Author Topic: Humor....I need Humor!  (Read 1384958 times)

airtac

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1440 on: December 03, 2007, 05:19:28 PM »



  DEAR MADAM:

 THANK YOU FOR YOUR RECENT ORDER FROM OUR SEX TOYS WEBSITE,
 
 YOU'VE REQUESTED THE EXTRA LARGE RED VIBRATOR AS FEATURED ON OUR WALL DISPLAY.
 
 PLEASE SELECT ANOTHER ITEM...... THAT'S OUR FIRE EXTINGUISHER... :o
 

Offline AirScorp

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1441 on: December 04, 2007, 12:33:27 AM »
Haha! Already said that one today!
It's all Greek to me!

Offline TheSoccerMom

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1442 on: December 04, 2007, 12:45:06 AM »
Now THAT is FUNNY!!!!!!!!    :D

Crazy Daddy AIRTAC!!!!!!!!!!   ::bow:: 

 ::rofl::                ::rofl::                 ::rofl::
Don't make me come back there!!!!

Offline Turbomallard

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1443 on: December 04, 2007, 03:51:54 AM »
Microsoft Errors

Re PEBKAC-- we used to actually use that in the help desk logs! The campus upgraded the help desk software to a system where users could log in and see what we had written about their tickets, and thus we couldn't be blatantly honest as we had been previously when only the help desk staff was able to view the tickets. We started using this acronym to explain the really stupid calls.

 ::rofl:: ::type:: ::whistle:: ::loony::

TM
"Do not read this signature under penalty of law."

Offline FlyboyGil

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1444 on: December 04, 2007, 05:10:34 AM »
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.”

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.
After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, “Who was that?”

“It was Bob the next door neighbor,” she replies.

“Great!” the husband says, “Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”
IF YOU CAN'T SAY ANYTHING NICE, YOU'RE PROBABLY AT THE ICE CAPADES

Offline FlyboyGil

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1445 on: December 04, 2007, 05:24:10 AM »
 :)
IF YOU CAN'T SAY ANYTHING NICE, YOU'RE PROBABLY AT THE ICE CAPADES

Offline Rooster Cruiser

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1446 on: December 04, 2007, 05:45:30 PM »
More 'Toons
"Me and Earl was haulin' chickens / On a flatbed outta Wiggins..."

Wolf Creek Pass, by CW McCall

Offline happylanding

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1447 on: December 04, 2007, 10:04:22 PM »
Considered that Xmas is approaching........

As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research
 help from that renowned scientific journal SPY magazine (January, 1990)
 --here is the annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus.
 
 1) No known species of reindeer can fly.  BUT there are 300,000 species
 of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are
 insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer
 which only Santa has ever seen.
 
 2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world.  BUT
 since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and
 Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378
 million according to the Population Reference Reference Bureau.  At an
 average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million
 homes.  One presumes there's at least one good child in each.
 
 3)  Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different
 time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west
 (which seems logical).  This works out to 822.6 visits per second.  This is
 to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has
 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney,
 fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat
 whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the
 sleigh and move on to the next house.  Assuming that each of these 91.8
 millions stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course,
 we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will
 accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of
 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at
 least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.
 
 This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000
 times the speed of sound.  For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made
 vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per
 second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.
 
 4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element.  Assuming
 that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds),
 the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably
 described as overweight.  On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more
 than 300 pounds.  Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could
 pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even
 nine.  We need 214,200 reindeer.  This increases the payload - not even
 counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons.  Again, for
 comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.
 
 5) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air
 resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as
 spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere.  The lead pair of reindeer
 will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy.  Per second.  Each.  In
 short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the
 reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake.  The
 entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second.
 Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times
 greater than gravity.  A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim)
 would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.
 
 In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's
 dead now. Merry X-mas.

I give that landing a 9 . . . on the Richter scale.

airtac

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1448 on: December 05, 2007, 04:05:54 PM »
In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's
 dead now. Merry X-mas.

WELL THEN, WHO EATS THE COOKIES I PUT OUT ON CHRISTMAS EVE ???

Offline FlyboyGil

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1449 on: December 05, 2007, 05:04:18 PM »
In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's
 dead now. Merry X-mas.

WELL THEN, WHO EATS THE COOKIES I PUT OUT ON CHRISTMAS EVE ???

The stalker who takes pictures of you when you don't know it, and puts them on internet. ::loony:: ::loony:: ::loony:: ::loony:: ::loony:: ::loony:: ::loony:: ::loony:: ::loony:: ::loony::
IF YOU CAN'T SAY ANYTHING NICE, YOU'RE PROBABLY AT THE ICE CAPADES

Offline happylanding

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1450 on: December 05, 2007, 05:53:18 PM »
WELL THEN, WHO EATS THE COOKIES I PUT OUT ON CHRISTMAS EVE ???

I'm asking myself the same question. I presume this year I will check! I'll let you know! :-)

I give that landing a 9 . . . on the Richter scale.

airtac

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1451 on: December 06, 2007, 10:10:14 AM »
In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's
 dead now. Merry X-mas.

WELL THEN, WHO EATS THE COOKIES I PUT OUT ON CHRISTMAS EVE ???

The stalker who takes pictures of you when you don't know it, and puts them on internet. ::loony:: ::loony:: ::loony:: ::loony:: ::loony:: ::loony:: ::loony:: ::loony:: ::loony:: ::loony::
That fat, bald, naked old man sitting on the toilet is NOT me............ ::banghead::

Offline FlyboyGil

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1452 on: December 07, 2007, 07:02:24 PM »
A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech. If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing else left to live for."
IF YOU CAN'T SAY ANYTHING NICE, YOU'RE PROBABLY AT THE ICE CAPADES

Offline AirScorp

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1453 on: December 07, 2007, 09:17:31 PM »
You mean they do?????????
It's all Greek to me!

Offline Rooster Cruiser

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1454 on: December 08, 2007, 04:56:50 AM »
You mean they do?????????

Only sometimes, Nick...  Only sometimes...   ::complaining: ::banghead:: ::complaining: ::banghead:: ::complaining: ::banghead::
"Me and Earl was haulin' chickens / On a flatbed outta Wiggins..."

Wolf Creek Pass, by CW McCall