Humor....I need Humor!

[FlyboyGil]

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:

A half-gallon of  Skimmed  milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee, and
A 1 lb. package of bacon.

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single.'

I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said:  'Well, you know what, you're absolutely right.  But how on earth did you know that?'

The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.'

[Stef]

They moved the checkride.

Now available at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ejnTG7d4DMo
 

Aww... no longer available! Thank you Disney Corporation!!   

[Stef]

How to save the airlines from bankruptcy

Dump all the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.
Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers. What the hell -- they don't even serve food anymore, so what is the loss?
The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a party atmosphere going in the cabin. Also, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.
As the girls would receive good tips, they wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that the women could be charged for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and 'special services.'
Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.
This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right – a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.
Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?
Sincerely,

Bill Clinton

[FlyboyGil]

 

[G-man]

Word Definitions for Women

(1)Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2)Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3)Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4)Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5)Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6)That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7)Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' ... That will bring on a 'whatever').

(8)Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F**KYOU!

(9)Don't worry about it, I’ll do it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

[TheSoccerMom]

Ahh, Grasshopper!  You have done WELL to pay attention to these VERY important Rules...   

 

And, I know for a FACT that #2 sure has made an impression on SOME men.....   I had a relief pilot years back who, in a pleasant discovery for ole S'Mom, loved to drink beer.   

When he first arrived for work, of course, it was my 'Friday night', and at quitting time, we agreed to "Meet you at the rental car in 10 minutes!"  I told him I wanted to throw my bags in the room, and get a quick shower before we went out.  He had the car keys, and when I got back out to the car (in 8 or 9 minutes), he was NOWHERE to be found.

I waited...  and waited...  and WAITED...  and got annoyed..  and irritated...  and MORE annoyed.....  all the time having these luscious images of ice-cold beers flashing before my eyes.

He showed up 30 MINUTES after we'd agreed -- and then HE was mad at ME -- the first thing out of his mouth was "But, women NEVER are on time!"  He then proceeded to tell me how screwed-up I was, for being there in 10 minutes!     

Let's just say I called him a few choice names, as I threw him bodily into the damned car, and never let him keep the car keys from that point on.  And, years later, he still tells other guys that there is something wrong with me genetically, because I thought "10 minutes" actually meant TEN MINUTES!

If anyone can ever figure all this Male-Female BS out, PLEASE come and explain it to me, okay??      

And that includes YOU, Grasshopper....     

 

[G-man]

Ahh, Grasshopper!  You have done WELL to pay attention to these VERY important Rules...   
If anyone can ever figure all this Male-Female BS out, PLEASE come and explain it to me, okay??      

I think I got it:

[Rooster Cruiser]

If anyone can ever figure all this Male-Female BS out, PLEASE come and explain it to me, okay??

Don't even bother with me...  I am not genetically capable of figuring it out.  Just send me another beer please so I can cope by forgetting about it!  Hehe.  

[Rooster Cruiser]

A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still In
their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers
strewn all around the front yard.

The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house
and there was no sign of the dog.

Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been
knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.   In the
front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family
room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.  In the
kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the
counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the
floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small  pile of  sand
was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of
clothes, looking for his wife.
He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened.


He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the
bathroom door.   As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap
and more 
toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and
toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls. As he rushed to
the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her
pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how
his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, 'What  happened
here today?'
She again smiled and answered, 'You know everyday when you come home
from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?'

'Yes,' was his incredulous reply.
She answered, 'Well, today I didn't do it.'

 

[Mike]

..this is what's gonna happen to me one day, I already see the onset of CRS in myself . . .


An elderly gent was invited to an old friends' home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 60 years, and clearly they were still very much in love.

While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, 'I think it's wonderful that after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names.'

The old man hung his head.   'I have to tell you the truth,' he said, 'Her name slipped my mind about ten years ago, and I'm scared to death to ask her what it is!

[FlyvBoy]

"Herlong traffic,Glider 2414R Left base rnwy 25, herlong"

This is more of a personal experience w/ my Flight instructor and a good joke.

Men are intuctual hunters, we go kill a buffalo for food and nothing else. When we get home, women are ALWAYS there to nag  that we got the wrong meat.

[G-man]

Mom's Drivers License

A Mom is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date.
"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"
"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother warns. "It is not polite."
"Okay," the little girl says, "how much do you weigh?"
"Now really," the mother says, "these are personal questions and are really none of your business."
Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"
"That is enough questions, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.   
"My Mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend.   
"Well," said the friend, "all you need to do is look at her driver’s license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."   
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, “I know how old you are. You are 32."   
The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"   
"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."   
The mother is past surprise and shock now. "How in heavens name did you find that out?"   
"And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce."   
"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"   
"Because you got an F in sex."

[Rooster Cruiser]

Ah... Wisdom from the mouths of babes...   

[Ragwing]

They moved the checkride.

Now available at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ejnTG7d4DMo
 

Aww... no longer available! Thank you Disney Corporation!!   

Where there is a will, there is a way
http://www.metacafe.com/watch/810697/pixar_lifted/
Better hurry, Disney has more lawyers.

[FlyvBoy]

Merry Whatever you celebrate!

For me it's Christmas:


Chuck... Hw did they EVER let you fly that?