Humor....I need Humor!

[happylanding]

Student Pilot: "I'm lost; I'm over a lake and heading toward the big E."
Controller: "Make several 90 degree turns so I can identify you on radar."
(short pause)...
Controller: "Okay then. That lake is the Atlantic Ocean. Suggest you turn to
the big W immediately ..."

Good Morning Mates! 

[happylanding]

A DC-10 had an exceedingly long rollout after landing with his approach speed a little high.
San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end of the runway, if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

 

[happylanding]

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. the following exchange took place between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign "Speedbird 206":?Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."?Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop. ?Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"?Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."?Ground (with arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"?Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944 but it was dark and I didn't stop."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, One o'clock, three miles, eastbound."?United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."

[Frank N. O.]

Ah Happy, you're bringing out all the classics, I wonder how many are actually true? I for one would really like to have seen the expressions of the ATC and possibly hear esponse to that last one (I'm sure it's an old story so the pilot/captain could still be of legal flying age while having been able to have been in WWII at the time it supposedly happnd).

 

Frank

[happylanding]

Yeah, it's a nice one! there is an incredible number of jokes alike and - even if they get old - the humor in them is always cracking. good point by the way. I hadn't thought about the PIC's age! 

And about ATC: I'm quite sure that for once they kept their mouth shut!! 
 

[Ted_Stryker]

True incident.... TWA Flight inbound to Lambert Field (STL) in St. Louis in the late 1980's....

ATC:   "TWA 123, slow down a bit, I've got a small aircraft cleared in ahead of you."

TWA 123: "TWA 123, Wilco."

...a couple of minutes later... and with headwinds increasing on the approach...

ATC: "TWA 123, request you slow down more for spacing.  You're gaining on the traffic in front of you, and he's still on long final."

TWA 123: "TWA 123, Wilco!" the pilot says.. slowing the plane to just about as slow as possible now....

...about thirty seconds later...

ATC: "TWA 123, slow down more!  You're gaining still!"

Exasperated, the TWA pilot finally says; "ATC this is TWA 123, do you know just how slow this plane can go?!"

ATC: "No Sir, but if you ask the guy in the seat next to you, he might know!"

The controller was fired!

[happylanding]

A really good one Ted! 
If you ask the guy he may know......!that's an incredible reply!
---------------------------------

Tower: Alitalia 194 - taxi to rwy 28, hold short
AZ194: Ahhh, yes, taxi to rwy 28
Tower: AZ194, cleared for take-off
AZ194: Ahhh, two minutes, need preflight (checks)
30 seconds later:
Tower: Alitalia 194, YOU ARE CLEARED FOR TAKE OFF NOW.
AZ194: Ehmmm, yes, yes, take off in two minutes ....
Tower: Alitalia 194, expedite take-off, we have Delta 767 final on 28 2,8 miles!
AZ194: Ahhh, we need 30 more seconds...
Delta 767: Hey Spaghetti, take-off or I'll fu@@ you from behind!

[happylanding]

EVER WONDERED ABOUT THE GENDER OF THINGS?!?  ??ZIPLOC BAGS - male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.??SWISS ARMY KNIFE - male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.??KIDNEYS - female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.??SHOE - male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.??COPIER - female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up.  Because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed. Because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.??TIRE - male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated.??HOT AIR BALLOON - male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it...and, of course, there's the hot air part.??SPONGES - female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.??WEB PAGE - female, because it is always getting hit on.??SUBWAY - male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.??HOURGLASS - female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.??HAMMER - male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.??REMOTE CONTROL - female... Ha! You thought I'd say male?!? But consider... it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

[Firegirl]

this is cute:

[happylanding]

scientific proof that girls are evil and men are worse....

[happylanding]

Tower: "...and for your information, you were slightly to the left of the centerline on that approach."
Speedbird: "That's correct; and, my First Officer was slightly to the right"

[happylanding]

Pilot: "Approach, Federated 303's with at 8000' for vectors ILS, full stop.
Approach: "Unable Federated 303. The ILS is out of service."
Pilot: "We'll take the VOR then."
Approach: "Sir, the VOR's in alarm right now. Standby."
Pilot: "OK, guess it'll have to be the ADF then."
Approach: "303, unable the ADF right now for traffic saturation."
Pilot: "OK, approach. State my intentions....."

[happylanding]

Tower: "Delta Fox Alpha, hold position, Marshall will park you."
Pilot: "Roger. Looking out for John Wayne."
------------------------------------------------------------
LH741: "Tower, give me a rough time-check!"
Tower: "It's Tuesday, Sir."
-----------------------------------------------------------
Pilot: "...Tower, please call me a fuel truck."
Tower: "Roger. You are a fuel truck.
----------------------------------------------------------
Tower: "Airline XXX, it looks like one of your baggage doors is open."
Captain (after quickly scanning the FE panel): "Ah, thanks tower, but you must be looking at our APU door."
Tower: "Okay, Airline XXX, cleared for takeoff."
Captain: "Cleared for takeoff, Airline XXX."
Tower, during the takeoff roll: "Airline XXX, ahh ... it appears that your APU is leaking luggage..."
----------------------------------------------------------
A United Airlines 747 captain tries to make light banter with Sydney, Australia, Approach Control ...
Captain: "Good morning, Sydney, this is United XXX, we're 50 miles out and have your island in sight ..."
Approach: "Roger, United ... you're cleared to circle the island twice, then it's okay to land."
---------------------------------------------------------

Q. How do you stop a Flight Attendant from having an orgasm?
A. Press the F/A Call Button - She'll never come.

 
Nite nite Mates!

[Mike]

This one is for you plthijnx:

Only makes sense in English but must have happpened in Swizerland:



 
Yodeling


Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began?
 
Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland

 
Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. !

 
The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.

 
As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?"

 
"That fellow traveling through," said the farmer. "needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn."

 
The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared him a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn.

 
About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.

 
The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn,! and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.

 
The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.


When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried. "We made such passionate love last night!"
 
"What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.


The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!"
The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out.....


"LAIDTHEOLADEETOO"

[happylanding]

HAHAHA! Maybe we were an English speaking place back in the past, but more probably the person who invented the yodel were an American or an English man traveling through Switzerland and we used his chant as if it were our invention!!
 

I was telling this to Steepturn this morning in front of a coffee in the city center, and I couldn't end it, since I was laughing like a mad. it did not look anymore like a yodel, but like a strangled cry!

Here you're with another one......

A welcome to a new co-pilot from an old captain:
"Son, your wife's legs have more time in the air than you do...."