Author Topic: Humor....I need Humor!  (Read 1369401 times)

Offline Frank N. O.

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #870 on: March 13, 2007, 09:42:28 AM »
A wide variety of jokes there! Here's a simple one, just heard it on the radio, although I'm not sure if I've posted it before:
"It's the early bird that gets the worm but it's the second mouse that gets the cheese"

Old aviation jokes but I still enjoy reading them:

PILOT : Tower,request permission to enter zone XY.
TOWER : Negative!
PILOT : Did you say negative ?
TOWER : Affirmative
PILOT : Understood affirmative.I will call you leaving the zone.


This one is funny in relation to some talks in another thread here regarding ATC
TOWER: PH-ABC, check you have the gear down?
PILOT: Sir, it has been down since this aircraft was built.


Frank
"When once you have tasted flight, you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been, and there you will always long to return."
— Leonardo da Vinci

Offline happylanding

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #871 on: March 13, 2007, 11:49:33 PM »
Zambian Roulette   

    
As usual, things were not going well at the United Nations. Thus, many visiting ambassadors had to room together. It just so happend that Vladimir, the Russian Ambassador, and Umballa, the Zambian Ambassador, were sharing a suite. To pass the time, Vladimir introduced his fellow dignitary to the Russian game of roulette. He produced an antique Soviet revolver, and a single bullet. It took a while, but he was finally able to explain the gist of the game to Umballa. Intrigued and excited, Umballa loved the...game. By the time the U.N. meeting was over, the two had become fast friends. As they parted company at the airport, Umballa told Vladimir, ''One day, you must visit my country, and try our version of your roulette.''
A year later, Vladimir was in Zambia, and looked up his old friend. Umballa remembered him, and welcomed him with open arms.
''I have come, my comrade, to try your game.''
''Very well. Come with me.'' Umballa took his friend before six, buck-naked bush women. ''Pick one. Any one. And she will give you a blowjob.''
''But my friend, where is the danger in this?''
Umballa replied with a toothy smile, ''One of them is a.......cannibal.''
  >:D >:D >:D >:D

       
I give that landing a 9 . . . on the Richter scale.

Offline FlyboyGil

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #872 on: March 14, 2007, 09:08:09 PM »
7 DEGREES OF BLONDE

`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:

1st DEGREE

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the  morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the
phone, listened a moment and said "How should  I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung  up.
The husband said, "Who was that?"
 
The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."


`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:

2nd DEGREE

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and  leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the  mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." 
 
The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!"
 
So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-

3rd DEGREE
 
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The  boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"
The  blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:

4th DEGREE

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."
 
A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of  Wisconsin?"
 
The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."

`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:

5th DEGREE

What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
 
"Is it  mine?"

`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-

6th DEGREE

Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about. Bambi pondered the  question then finally said, "That was the decision George
Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware"

`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:

7th DEGREE

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and  reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a  K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to  respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the  porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all  my possessions stolen. I call the police for help,  and what do they do?  They send me a BLIND policeman!!"
IF YOU CAN'T SAY ANYTHING NICE, YOU'RE PROBABLY AT THE ICE CAPADES

Offline happylanding

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #873 on: March 14, 2007, 09:38:17 PM »
7 DEGREES OF BLONDE

`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:

1st DEGREE

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the  morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the
phone, listened a moment and said "How should  I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung  up.
The husband said, "Who was that?"
 
The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."

that's sagacious! :)
I give that landing a 9 . . . on the Richter scale.

Offline FlyboyGil

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #874 on: March 18, 2007, 09:29:07 PM »
Deer Superintendent,

I waunt to apply for the secritary job what I saw in the paper.
can Type real quik wit one finggar and do sum a-counting.
I think I am good on the phone and no I am a pepole person,
Pepole really seam to respond to me well.
Im lookin for a Jobb as a secritary but it  musent be to complicaited
I no my spelling is not to good but find that I Offen can get a job
thru my persinalety.

My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you
think that I am werth, I can start imeditely. Thank you in advanse
fore yore anser.
hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.


Sinseerly,
Peggy May Starlings

PS : Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me
taken at my last jobb.


Employer's response:......

Dear Peggy May,

It's OK honey, we've got spell check!
We will see you
On Monday Morning !!
IF YOU CAN'T SAY ANYTHING NICE, YOU'RE PROBABLY AT THE ICE CAPADES

Offline Panzerrat

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #875 on: March 18, 2007, 11:02:02 PM »
Three guys are sitting in the office moaning about their St. Patrick's day weekend benders. 

The first guy says "I was so drunk, I fell asleep in the bathtub after urinating in it!"

The second guy says "I was so drunk, I parked the car in the neighbor's garage, peed in the sink, and fell asleep in my daughter's bed!"

The third guy says "I was so drunk, I got home and blew chunks!"

The other two say "That doesn't sound too bad!"

He replies "You guys don't understand, Chunks is my dog!"
"You call this bad? I'll tell you what bad is....Bad is passing test depth at 80 feet per second with a thirty degree down bubble. Compared to that, this is a walk in the park.”

Offline FlyboyGil

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #876 on: March 19, 2007, 02:50:05 AM »
7 DEGREES OF BLONDE

`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:

1st DEGREE

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the  morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the
phone, listened a moment and said "How should  I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung  up.
The husband said, "Who was that?"
 
The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."

that's sagacious! :)

Sagacious? That's a big word! Remember we're all pilots here. Big words are not allowed :D :D
IF YOU CAN'T SAY ANYTHING NICE, YOU'RE PROBABLY AT THE ICE CAPADES

Offline Mike

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #877 on: March 20, 2007, 01:44:30 AM »
i'd like to second that!

we just know "cool" or "awesome" (which is already a big word also....)

 ;D :D


Dear IRS: Please cancel my subscription.

Offline Baradium

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #878 on: March 20, 2007, 04:59:51 AM »
i'd like to second that!

we just know "cool" or "awesome" (which is already a big word also....)

 ;D :D

That makes me think of the movie "Tiny Toons: Summer Vacation" from when I was little.   

About marrying all of the guy's daughters at once:   "I can't do that!  That's bigamy!"

Father:  "No it's not,  it's big a' ME!"


Not as bad as it sounds, it's all cartoon animals, he's a rabbit and they are all croc's....  "marriage" seems more like "lunch" in the story line.

"Well I know what's right, I got just one life
In a world that keeps on pushin' me around
But I stand my ground, and I won't back down"
  -Johnny Cash "I won't back Down"

Offline happylanding

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #879 on: March 20, 2007, 07:21:08 AM »
i'd like to second that!

we just know "cool" or "awesome" (which is already a big word also....)

 ;D :D

No need to understand: I was just trying not to sound a blonde! ;) :)
I give that landing a 9 . . . on the Richter scale.

Offline Baradium

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #880 on: March 20, 2007, 07:43:34 AM »
i'd like to second that!

we just know "cool" or "awesome" (which is already a big word also....)

 ;D :D

No need to understand: I was just trying not to sound a blonde! ;) :)


Wouldn't a blonde have just asked where the joke was?    :D
"Well I know what's right, I got just one life
In a world that keeps on pushin' me around
But I stand my ground, and I won't back down"
  -Johnny Cash "I won't back Down"

Offline happylanding

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #881 on: March 20, 2007, 01:09:22 PM »
i'd like to second that!

we just know "cool" or "awesome" (which is already a big word also....)

 ;D :D

No need to understand: I was just trying not to sound a blonde! ;) :)


Wouldn't a blonde have just asked where the joke was?    :D

Probably. but I wanted to sound much more intellectual. since I changed my hair colour and I currently am a brunette, I wanted to show the AI factor: artificial intelligence........
I give that landing a 9 . . . on the Richter scale.

Offline Baradium

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #882 on: March 20, 2007, 08:04:29 PM »

Probably. but I wanted to sound much more intellectual. since I changed my hair colour and I currently am a brunette, I wanted to show the AI factor: artificial intelligence........

That's a good one!
"Well I know what's right, I got just one life
In a world that keeps on pushin' me around
But I stand my ground, and I won't back down"
  -Johnny Cash "I won't back Down"

Offline FlyboyGil

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #883 on: March 21, 2007, 04:49:29 AM »
i'd like to second that!

we just know "cool" or "awesome" (which is already a big word also....)

 ;D :D

No need to understand: I was just trying not to sound a blonde! ;) :)


Wouldn't a blonde have just asked where the joke was?    :D

Probably. but I wanted to sound much more intellectual. since I changed my hair colour and I currently am a brunette, I wanted to show the AI factor: artificial intelligence........

Or BP. BLONDE POWER!!!!!!!! ;D ;D ;D
IF YOU CAN'T SAY ANYTHING NICE, YOU'RE PROBABLY AT THE ICE CAPADES

Offline gibbo_335

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #884 on: March 22, 2007, 01:37:09 AM »
QUESTION:
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend version 7.0 to Wife version 1.0.  I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up allot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0 , Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favourite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!
Thanks,
A Troubled User.

REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men complain about. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an  OPERATING SYSTEM. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0 , Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5 Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 ! Â WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support
YEWWWwwwwwwwww