Author Topic: Humor....I need Humor!  (Read 1378348 times)

Offline Plthijnx

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #525 on: August 24, 2006, 10:20:48 PM »
A big game hunter goes on safari with his wife and his mother-in-law. One morning, the wife wakes up to find her mother gone. Immediately, she awakens up her husband and they both set off to find the old woman.

Suddenly, they break into a clearing and there's the mother-in-law, standing face-to-face with a ferocious lion!

"Quick, darling," the wife shouts frantically, "Do something!"

"Oh, no," the husband says, "That lion got himself into this mess. Let him get himself out!"
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown

Offline Plthijnx

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #526 on: August 24, 2006, 10:26:23 PM »
A woman in Atlantic City was losing at the roulette wheel. When she was down to her last 10 dollars, she asked the fellow next to her for a good number.

“Why don’t you play your age?” he suggested.

The woman agreed, and then put her money on the table.

The next thing the guy with the advice knew, the woman had fainted and fallen to the floor. He rushed right over.

“Did she win?” he asked.

“No” replied the attendant.

“She put 10 dollars on 33 and 46 came in
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown

Offline happylanding

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #527 on: August 26, 2006, 07:26:57 PM »
“She put 10 dollars on 33 and 46 came in

So said, never lie on age!!!!!  :D ;D
I give that landing a 9 . . . on the Richter scale.

Offline happylanding

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #528 on: August 26, 2006, 10:52:28 PM »
Quite rude....but always funny:

Two women chatting in a bar:
woman 1:"my husband will surely come home with a bouquet of flowers this evening, since it's our anniversary".
woman 2: "ohh....so romantic!"
woman 1: "you think? I'll have to spread my legs..."
woman 2: "why?!?!? don't you have any vase at home!?!?!"

Nite nite mates!
I give that landing a 9 . . . on the Richter scale.

Offline Mike

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #529 on: August 27, 2006, 06:17:34 PM »
here is one that really happened:

A Blonde and a Brunette are sitting at the airport restaurant after a guy just got
up from the table :
Brunette: So this is your new boyfriend?
Blonde: Yes!
Brunette: But he's not very good looking!
Blonde: I know . . . . but he's a pilot!


Dear IRS: Please cancel my subscription.

Offline happylanding

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #530 on: August 27, 2006, 06:49:54 PM »
This couple goes to an agricultural show way out in the countryside a fine Sunday afternoon, and are watching the auctioning off of bulls.
The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off:

"A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year."
The wife nudges her husband in the ribs, and comments,
"See! That was more than 5 times a month!"

The second bull is to be sold: "Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year."

Again the wife bugs her husband, "Hey, that's some 10 times a month.
What do YOU say to that?!"

Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison.

The third bull is up for sale: "And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 360 times last year!"
The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells,
"That's once a day, every day of the year! How about YOU?!"

The husband was pretty irritated by now, and yells back, "Sure, once a day!
But ask the announcer if they were all with the same fat cow!!"

 ;D :D ;) :) :) ;) :D ;D
I give that landing a 9 . . . on the Richter scale.

fireflyr

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #531 on: August 31, 2006, 03:48:03 AM »
 
Pilot Talking Rules

The only three things a wingman should ever say are:
Two's up.
Lead, you're on fire.
I'll take the fat chick.

And in a multi-place aircraft, there are only three things the copilot should ever say:
Nice landing, Sir.
I'll buy the first round.
I'll take the fat chick.

As a new copilot on a bomber I was told to only say these three things and to otherwise keep my mouth shut and not touch anything:
Clear on the right. 
Outer (marker) on the double (indicator) 
I'll eat the chicken. (Crew meals consisted of one steak and one chicken to avoid possible food poisoning of the cockpit crew).

Offline Frank N. O.

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #532 on: August 31, 2006, 09:41:51 AM »
Man, the jokes just keep comming, and from both sides of the pond too, and from both genders too  |:)\  |:)\  |:)\

If only we had such a steady stream of Av-Gas/A-1 (that's jet-fuel right?) and money for flying  8)

Frank
"When once you have tasted flight, you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been, and there you will always long to return."
— Leonardo da Vinci

Offline Baradium

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #533 on: September 01, 2006, 04:45:32 AM »
Women ARE evil.  Here's a mathematical proof.

If you have a wife/girlfriend, you need to spend time with them. We all know that time is money.  And money is the root of all evil. 
So, if

Women = Time
Time = Money
Money = Evil,

Then

Women = Evil

I like that one, but you gotta use the full one or they can argue it.  ;)

You start out with "women require time and money"  (you can get women to agree with this).   This gives you: women = time x money

Now, time is money.    (time = money)

So you get women = money x money

women = money^2

Now money is the root of all evil (this is one of the important parts, it's root of all evil, not that it is evil.

Well that means that money = sqrt(evil)          that's a square root

so women = money^2
 
women = sqrt(evil)^2

women = evil

Works best when you can write it out as you explain it.

Advisory... they havn't been able to counter it, but they have hit me for showing it to them too... 
"Well I know what's right, I got just one life
In a world that keeps on pushin' me around
But I stand my ground, and I won't back down"
  -Johnny Cash "I won't back Down"

Offline Baradium

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #534 on: September 01, 2006, 05:15:14 AM »
Hope this wasn't already posted... I'm still wading my way through 30 some odd pages...

This is an oldie, but still good.


Q:  What's the difference between an alcoholic and a nymphomaniac?



A:  A cockpit door.
"Well I know what's right, I got just one life
In a world that keeps on pushin' me around
But I stand my ground, and I won't back down"
  -Johnny Cash "I won't back Down"

Offline tundra_flier

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #535 on: September 01, 2006, 07:16:39 AM »
OK, Moose season in Alaska opens tomorrow morning.  I was riding along as safty pilot again tonight, keeping an eye on a cessna who was skimming the tree tops below our holding pattern and heard the following Radio conversation.

Fairbanks Approch:  Cessna XXXX, have you found a moose yet?
Cessna xxxx:  approch, negative, still looking.

Some of you remember that last time I flew as Safty pilot we got a close look at a C-123.   Well, the same IFR student told me his next flight with his CFII the same thing happened, with the same C-123.  So tonight approch advised us:  "Cessna XXXX, traffic 1 mile south, altitude unknown, direction unknown, intermittent contact".

As I started scanning to the south I told the pilot, "I'm either looking for a flock of geese or a C-123!"  He laughed and said, I was just thinking the same thing!

Phil

Offline Baradium

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #536 on: September 01, 2006, 08:00:37 AM »
sent to me this morning by my uncle, under heading "Warning!"
Like you, I hate it when people forward bogus warnings. But, this one is important. Please forward to those you care about.
If someone comes to your front door saying they are conducting a survey on deer ticks and asks you to take all of your clothes off and dance around with your arms up, DO NOT DO IT!!
IT IS A SCAM. They only want to see you naked.
I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid now.


I would say it's some English humour this one!!! Gosh, we are building a really good reserve of jokes here!! Keep writing Plthijnx!!!  :)

You guys know that the warning is based off a real one, right?   There was a guy going around knocking on doors telling women he was a dynacologist and offering free breast exams.  The worst part was that he had half a dozen or so who decided it was a good deal and let him have at it.
"Well I know what's right, I got just one life
In a world that keeps on pushin' me around
But I stand my ground, and I won't back down"
  -Johnny Cash "I won't back Down"

Offline Baradium

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #537 on: September 01, 2006, 08:39:30 AM »
I have a lot of pilots in my family, so I have a number of true stories that are fairly amusing.

My dad is a pilot, finally made captain right before 9/11 actually... back to f/o for a while after that too...

Anyway, they were flying into Atlanta with a number of thunderstorms around, his f/o is giving a cabin announcement when they get struck by lightning on the nose.   Here's what the passengers get.... there's a really loud boom, the plane starts shaking, the lights are flickering in and out... and in the middle of all this the f/o is screaming his guts out over the intercom!  Poor guy hadn't ever been struck by lightning before and didn't take it very well at all (granted a nose strike is supposed to be fairly exciting).


« Last Edit: September 01, 2006, 09:20:01 AM by Baradium »
"Well I know what's right, I got just one life
In a world that keeps on pushin' me around
But I stand my ground, and I won't back down"
  -Johnny Cash "I won't back Down"

Offline Baradium

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #538 on: September 01, 2006, 09:19:32 AM »
YOU MAY BE A REDNECK PILOT IF:

you have mud flaps on your wheel pants.

I never saw mud flaps on an airplane until I got to Alaska...  
"Well I know what's right, I got just one life
In a world that keeps on pushin' me around
But I stand my ground, and I won't back down"
  -Johnny Cash "I won't back Down"

fireflyr

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #539 on: September 01, 2006, 12:59:58 PM »
BARADIUM---Showed your enhanced "women=evil" post to my wife and without missing a beat she replied "now there is one lonely bachelor" :(