Author Topic: Humor....I need Humor!  (Read 1369271 times)

Offline Rooster Cruiser

  • Alpha Rooster
  • *****
  • Posts: 1996
  • Retired Chicken Hauler
Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2070 on: March 10, 2009, 12:53:35 AM »
Men, please pass this on to your wives/sweethearts.  I just know they'll appreciate it...



 Please be  aware!

You've heard about people who have been abducted and had  their kidneys
removed by black-market organ thieves.

My  thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. I went  to
sleep and woke up with someone else's thighs.
It was just  that quick.
The replacements had the texture of cooked oatmeal.  Whose thighs were these
and what happened to mine? I spent the  entire summer looking for my thighs.
Finally, hurt and angry, I  resigned myself to living out my life in jeans.
And then the  thieves struck again.

My butt was next. I knew it was the same  gang, because they took pains to
match my new rear-end to the  thighs they had stuck me with earlier.
But my new butt was attached  at least three inches lower than my original! I
realized I'd have  to give up my jeans in favor of long skirts.

Two years ago I  realized my arms had been switched. One morning I was fixing
my  hair and was horrified to see the flesh of my upper arm swing to and  fro
with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary  - my body
was being replaced one section at a time. What could they  do to me next?

When my poor neck suddenly disappeared and was  replaced with a turkey neck,
I decided to tell my story. Women of  the world, wake up and smell the
coffee! Those 'plastic' surgeons  are using REAL replacement body parts
-stolen from you and me! The  next time someone you know has something
'lifted', look again - was  it lifted from you?

THIS IS NOT A HOAX. This is happening to  women everywhere every night...
WARN YOUR FRIENDS!

PS. Last  year I thought someone had stolen my Boobs. I was lying in bed  and
they were gone! But when I jumped out of bed, I was relieved to  see that
they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept. Now I  keep them hidden
in my waistband.

Thought this was too  'important' not to pass on Have a wonderful day - with
a joy filled  heart These same thieves came into my closet and shrank my
clothes!  How do they do it???

 ::loony:: ::loony:: ::loony:: ::loony:: ::loony::
"Me and Earl was haulin' chickens / On a flatbed outta Wiggins..."

Wolf Creek Pass, by CW McCall

Offline Ragwing

  • Rooster
  • ****
  • Posts: 346
Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2071 on: March 10, 2009, 02:29:47 AM »
Sometimes taking a dog for a walk can be intimidating.


Offline Firegirl

  • Cockerel
  • ***
  • Posts: 171
Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2072 on: March 10, 2009, 03:44:21 PM »
Men, please pass this on to your wives/sweethearts.  I just know they'll appreciate it...



 Please be  aware!

You've heard about people who have been abducted and had  their kidneys
removed by black-market organ thieves.

My  thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. I went  to
sleep and woke up with someone else's thighs.
It was just  that quick.
The replacements had the texture of cooked oatmeal.  Whose thighs were these
and what happened to mine? I spent the  entire summer looking for my thighs.
Finally, hurt and angry, I  resigned myself to living out my life in jeans.
And then the  thieves struck again.

My butt was next. I knew it was the same  gang, because they took pains to
match my new rear-end to the  thighs they had stuck me with earlier.
But my new butt was attached  at least three inches lower than my original! I
realized I'd have  to give up my jeans in favor of long skirts.

Two years ago I  realized my arms had been switched. One morning I was fixing
my  hair and was horrified to see the flesh of my upper arm swing to and  fro
with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary  - my body
was being replaced one section at a time. What could they  do to me next?

When my poor neck suddenly disappeared and was  replaced with a turkey neck,
I decided to tell my story. Women of  the world, wake up and smell the
coffee! Those 'plastic' surgeons  are using REAL replacement body parts
-stolen from you and me! The  next time someone you know has something
'lifted', look again - was  it lifted from you?

THIS IS NOT A HOAX. This is happening to  women everywhere every night...
WARN YOUR FRIENDS!

PS. Last  year I thought someone had stolen my Boobs. I was lying in bed  and
they were gone! But when I jumped out of bed, I was relieved to  see that
they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept. Now I  keep them hidden
in my waistband.

Thought this was too  'important' not to pass on Have a wonderful day - with
a joy filled  heart These same thieves came into my closet and shrank my
clothes!  How do they do it???

 ::loony:: ::loony:: ::loony:: ::loony:: ::loony::


I have NO IDEA what you're talking about RC ??  ::) ::) ::)
....not getting this joke (must be a blonde thing)  ;D ;)
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet you could shoot beer out of you nose.  --- Jack Handy

Offline Rooster Cruiser

  • Alpha Rooster
  • *****
  • Posts: 1996
  • Retired Chicken Hauler
Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2073 on: March 11, 2009, 05:14:37 AM »
Bless you, Firegirl for not getting it!   ::bow:: ::bow:: ::bow::

This means you are still a lovely young thing that young boys are chasing everywhere they can whenever they aren't confused with what to do with their tool!  Hehe.

Someday, you may get it.  If, as, and when that happens... please give me a call.   >:D >:D >:D

I'll happily chase ya around my nursing home room in my wheelchair!  Hehe.   :P
"Me and Earl was haulin' chickens / On a flatbed outta Wiggins..."

Wolf Creek Pass, by CW McCall

Offline Oddball

  • Chicken Farmer
  • Alpha Rooster
  • *****
  • Posts: 2414
  • I crash better than anybody I know
    • Myspace profile
Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2074 on: March 11, 2009, 01:57:45 PM »
Ill leave a room open fur ye where im working just now R/C  :P
"You can teach monkeys to fly better than that!"and "spring chicken to sh**e hawk in one easy lesson"

Offline Ragwing

  • Rooster
  • ****
  • Posts: 346
Sean O'Toole
« Reply #2075 on: March 14, 2009, 02:11:04 PM »
Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in Monaghan's flat in Dungarvan when Sean O'Toole loses €700 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up. Michael Lennon looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone's got to tell Sean's wife. Who will it be?'

They draw straws.

Cavan Colquhoun picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet and gentle and not to make a bad situation any worse.' Discreet? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me.' announces Cavan.

He goes over to O'Toole's house and knocks on the door.

Brenda O'Toole answers and asks what he wants. Cavan declares: 'Your husband just lost €700 and is afraid to come home.'

'Tell him to drop dead!' snarls Brenda.

' I'll go tell him.' says Cavan.

Here's to our wives and girlfriends: May they never meet!


Offline Ragwing

  • Rooster
  • ****
  • Posts: 346
Divorce Irish Style
« Reply #2076 on: March 14, 2009, 02:13:26 PM »
"Well, Mrs. O'Connor, so you want a divorce?" the solicitor questioned his client.

"Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?"

"Oh, no," replied Mrs. O'Connor. "Sure now, we only have a carport."

The solicitor tried again. "Well, does the man beat you up?"

"No, no," said Mrs. O'Connor, looking puzzled. "I'm always first out of bed."

Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again. "Well, does he go in for unnatural connubial practices?"

"Sure now, he plays the flute, but I don't think he knows anything about the connubial. "

Now desperate, the solicitor pushed on. "What I'm trying to find out are what grounds you have."

"Bless you, sir. We live in a flat -- not even a window box, let alone grounds."

"Mrs. O'Connor," the solicitor said in considerable exasperation, "you need a reason that the court can consider. What is the reason for you seeking this divorce?"

"Ah, well now," said the lady, "Sure it's because the man can't hold an intelligent conversation."


Offline Ragwing

  • Rooster
  • ****
  • Posts: 346
Countdown to St. Patricks Day Continues
« Reply #2077 on: March 14, 2009, 02:16:12 PM »

Offline Ragwing

  • Rooster
  • ****
  • Posts: 346
Irish Wedding Tale
« Reply #2078 on: March 14, 2009, 02:17:34 PM »
A wedding occurred, just outside Cavan in Ireland. To keep tradition going,
everyone got drunk and the bride's and groom's families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the crap out of each other.

The Police get called in to break up the fight. The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the court room until the Judge finally brings calm with the use of his hammer, shouting "Silence in Court".

The court room goes silent and Paddy (the best man) stands up and says, "Judge.. I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened".

The Judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the Best Man gets the first dance with the Bride. The judge says "OK".

"Well", said Paddy, "After I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song.. when all of a sudden the Groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the Bride an unmerciful kick in her privates".

The Judge instantly responded... "God.. that must of hurt!"

Paddy replies "HURT!.. He broke three of my fingers."

« Last Edit: March 14, 2009, 02:20:18 PM by Ragwing »

Offline Ragwing

  • Rooster
  • ****
  • Posts: 346
Three Brothers
« Reply #2079 on: March 14, 2009, 02:21:56 PM »
Finnegan walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "what'll you have?"
He says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please."

So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more.

The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I'll bring you a fresh cold one."

Finnegan says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking together.

The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition. Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.

The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."

Finnegan said, "Oh, me brothers are fine - I just quit drinking."

Offline Ragwing

  • Rooster
  • ****
  • Posts: 346
Two days until St. Patricks Day
« Reply #2080 on: March 15, 2009, 01:29:10 PM »
Irish Whiskey is a whiskey made in Ireland. There are several types of whiskey common to Ireland: Single Malt, Single Grain, Pure Pot Still and Blended Whiskey.

The word whiskey is an Anglicisation of the ancient Gaelic term "uisce beatha" which translates as "water of life". (The Craythur is a modern Irish term for whiskey, from 'the creature', as in 'created'...) The Irish spell the drink "whiskey" while the Scottish drop the "e".

Although it is similar to Scotch whisky in many ways, the main difference is that most Irish whiskey is distilled three times, whereas most Scotch is distilled only twice. Another way Irish Whiskey differs is that peat is almost never used in the malting process, so the smoky, earthy overtones common to many Scotches are not present. There are notable exceptions to these "rules" in both countries; an example is Connemara Peated Irish Malt whiskey.

There are far fewer distilleries of Irish whiskey than there are of Scotch. Economic difficulties in the last couple of centuries have led to a great number of mergers and closures. Currently there are only three distilleries operating in Ireland (although each produces a number of different whiskeys): Midleton, Bushmills, and Cooley. Only Cooley's is Irish-owned.

Irish whiskey comes in several forms. There is single malt whiskey made from 100% malted barley distilled in a pot still, and grain whiskey made from grains distilled in a column still. Grain whiskey is much lighter and more neutral in flavour than single malt and is almost never bottled as a single grain. It is instead used to blend with single malt to produce a lighter blended whiskey.

Unique to Irish whiskey is pure pot still whiskey. While single malt whisk(e)y from both Scotland and Ireland is distilled only in a pot still, the designation "pure pot still" as used in Ireland generally refers to whiskey made of 100% barley, mixed malted and unmalted, and distilled in a pot still. The "green" unmalted barley gives the traditional pure pot still whiskey a spicy, uniquely Irish quality. Like single malt, pure pot still is sold as such or blended with grain whiskey. Usually no real distinction is made between whether a blended whiskey was made from single malt or pure pot still.

Irish whiskey is believed to be one of the earliest distilled beverages in Europe, dating to the mid-12th century. The Old Bushmills Distillery lays claim to being the oldest licensed distillery in the world since gaining a licence from James I in 1608.

Here's to the contributions of the Irish
 ::drinking:: ::drinking:: ::drinking::

Offline Ragwing

  • Rooster
  • ****
  • Posts: 346
FATHER FLAHERTY
« Reply #2081 on: March 15, 2009, 01:36:43 PM »
Mrs. Donovan was walking down O’Connell Street in Dublin when she met Father Flaherty.

The Father said, ‘Top o’ the mornin’ to ye! Aren’t ye Mrs. Donovan and didn’t I marry ye and yer hoosband 2 years ago?’

She replied, ‘Aye, that ye did, Fadder.’

The Father asked, ‘And be there any wee little ones yet?’

She replied, ‘No, not yet, Fadder.’

The Father said, ‘Well, now, I’m goin’ to Rome next week and I’ll light a candle for ye and yer hoosband.’

She replied, ‘Oh, thank ye , Fadder.’ They then parted ways.

Some years later they met again. The Father asked, ‘Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?’

She replied, ‘Oh, very well, Fadder!’

The Father asked, ‘And tell me, have ye any been blessed wit wee ones yet?’

She replied, ‘Oh yes, Fadder! T’ree sets o’twins and 4 singles, 10 in all!’

The Father said, ‘That’s wonderful! How is yer loving hoosband doing?’

She replied, ‘E’s gone to Rome to blow out yer stinking candle.’


Offline Rooster Cruiser

  • Alpha Rooster
  • *****
  • Posts: 1996
  • Retired Chicken Hauler
Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2082 on: March 27, 2009, 04:20:44 AM »
Latest  Florida State Budget Cut - K9s

 
"Me and Earl was haulin' chickens / On a flatbed outta Wiggins..."

Wolf Creek Pass, by CW McCall

Offline G-man

  • Alpha Rooster
  • *****
  • Posts: 2046
  • Cogito sumere potum alterum.
Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2083 on: April 06, 2009, 07:27:24 PM »
The difference between teachers and educators:

According to a news report, Golden Grove high school was recently faced with a unique problem.

A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out along-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Priceless!

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers....and then there are educators!!!
Life may not be the party we hoped for---but while we're here--we might as well dance..........

Offline Mike

  • Supreme Overlord
  • Alpha Rooster
  • *****
  • Posts: 3376
Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2084 on: April 06, 2009, 11:25:36 PM »
OH MY GOD!!  ::unbelieveable::

That's awesome!!

 ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl::


Dear IRS: Please cancel my subscription.