Author Topic: Humor....I need Humor!  (Read 1415487 times)

Offline AirScorp

  • Rooster
  • ****
  • Posts: 369
  • Nick
    • Me on myspace
Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2115 on: June 05, 2009, 06:26:05 PM »
Awww, looks just like the new jumpers we hire!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"C'mon, get IN the airplane, it's OKAY, really....!"    :P

How're things going with you Nick??  Great, I hope!!

Thanks for the great picture....   :D

 ;D

Things are fine, only 65 days to go in the army.. Come august I'll hopefully be lining up some vacation time.

When I was a child, I read and listened to children's fairy tales,
which I learned always began with the phrase:
       "Once upon a time......".   :)

Now that I am an adult, I read and listen to grown-up fairy tales,
which I have learned always begin with the phrase:
       "When I am elected......".   ::banghead::

 ::rofl::


Hmmm, funny timing. Election day here on Sunday..
It's all Greek to me!

Offline Oddball

  • Chicken Farmer
  • Alpha Rooster
  • *****
  • Posts: 2414
  • I crash better than anybody I know
    • Myspace profile
Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2116 on: June 05, 2009, 09:36:10 PM »
Just had a spate of local elections down in Englandshire and for the European Parliment.
"You can teach monkeys to fly better than that!"and "spring chicken to sh**e hawk in one easy lesson"

Offline TheSoccerMom

  • Chicken Farmer
  • Alpha Rooster
  • *****
  • Posts: 2590
Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2117 on: June 06, 2009, 07:23:41 PM »
Things are fine, only 65 days to go in the army.. Come august I'll hopefully be lining up some vacation time.

GREAT!  Wow, 65 days??  You're almost there!!    ;D     ::drinking::

 ::drinking::
Don't make me come back there!!!!

Offline Rooster Cruiser

  • Alpha Rooster
  • *****
  • Posts: 1996
  • Retired Chicken Hauler
Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2118 on: June 06, 2009, 09:11:32 PM »
Good luck Nick.  Just a little over two months to go.  I know you must be suffering from what we used to call "Short Timer Fever".   |:)\

Lemme guess:  You are thinking of those watermelons and how much vodka you can pump into them as a means to celebrate your discharge, aren't you?   ;)  Sounds like good planning to me!  With luck, they'll be in season in Greece around that time.   ::drinking::

RC
"Me and Earl was haulin' chickens / On a flatbed outta Wiggins..."

Wolf Creek Pass, by CW McCall

Offline G-man

  • Alpha Rooster
  • *****
  • Posts: 2047
  • Cogito sumere potum alterum.
Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2119 on: June 10, 2009, 07:37:56 PM »
Take away all the fun why dont you??




Life may not be the party we hoped for---but while we're here--we might as well dance..........

Offline Plthijnx

  • Alpha Rooster
  • *****
  • Posts: 537
  • My da*n easy button's broken. Can I borrow yours?
Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2120 on: June 12, 2009, 04:22:11 PM »
SOCIALISM You have two cows.
You give one to your neighbor.

COMMUNISM You have two cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM You have two cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM You have two cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM You have two cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM You have two cows.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has dropped dead.

ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND VENTURE CAPITALISM You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet is provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.

A FRENCH CORPORATION You have two cows.
You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A CHINESE CORPORATION You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the crap out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown

Offline Plthijnx

  • Alpha Rooster
  • *****
  • Posts: 537
  • My da*n easy button's broken. Can I borrow yours?
Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2121 on: June 12, 2009, 04:23:26 PM »
While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennisball, and seeing no one around that it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts.

Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change. A blonde girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts. "What's that?" she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust. "Tennis ball," came the breathless reply. "Oh," said the girl sympathetically, "that must be painful... I had tennis elbow once."
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown

Offline Plthijnx

  • Alpha Rooster
  • *****
  • Posts: 537
  • My da*n easy button's broken. Can I borrow yours?
Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2122 on: June 12, 2009, 04:27:48 PM »
Skinny Dipping...

An elderly man in Georgia had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back.

It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with
picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees .

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he
hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a
five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond,
he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer,
he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He
made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep
end. One of the 20 women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until
you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come
down here to watch you ladies swim
naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'

....Some old men can still think fast.
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown

Offline Plthijnx

  • Alpha Rooster
  • *****
  • Posts: 537
  • My da*n easy button's broken. Can I borrow yours?
Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2123 on: June 12, 2009, 04:34:21 PM »
How To Stop A Church Gossip

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed
monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking
her nose into other people's business..
Several members did not approve of her
extra curricular activities , but feared her
Enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she
accused Frank, a new member, of being an
alcoholic after she saw his old pickup
parked in front of the town's
only bar one afternoon. .



She emphatically told Frank
(and several others)
that every one seeing it there
EVERYONE WOULD KNOW WHAT HE WAS DOING !

Frank , a man of few words,
stared at her for a moment and
just turned and walked away.
He didn't explain, defend, or deny.
He said nothing..



Later that evening,
Frank quietly parked his pickup
in front of Mildred's house ...
walked home
.... . .and left it there all night !!!
(You gotta love Frank !)
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown

Offline Plthijnx

  • Alpha Rooster
  • *****
  • Posts: 537
  • My da*n easy button's broken. Can I borrow yours?
Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2124 on: June 12, 2009, 04:35:14 PM »
A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family - but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand!"
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown

Offline Plthijnx

  • Alpha Rooster
  • *****
  • Posts: 537
  • My da*n easy button's broken. Can I borrow yours?
Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2125 on: June 12, 2009, 04:37:55 PM »
A guy goes to the psychiatrist only wearing shorts made of Glad wrap.

The psychiatrist says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown

Offline Gulfstream Driver

  • Chicken Farmer
  • Alpha Rooster
  • *****
  • Posts: 1070
Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2126 on: June 12, 2009, 05:59:05 PM »
Glad you're back, man. 
Behind every great man, there is a woman rolling her eyes.  --Bruce Almighty

Offline Plthijnx

  • Alpha Rooster
  • *****
  • Posts: 537
  • My da*n easy button's broken. Can I borrow yours?
Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2127 on: June 12, 2009, 07:47:07 PM »
thx! it's great to be back  ;D  ::cowboy::
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown

Offline tundra_flier

  • Alpha Rooster
  • *****
  • Posts: 798
  • It's not an old plane, it's a classic!
Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2128 on: June 12, 2009, 07:56:45 PM »
You Forgot one!

THE RUSSIAN CORPORATION:  You have two cows, you drink a glass of vodka.  You count again and now have 4 cows!  you drink another glass of vodka to celebrate.  Now you have 8 cows!  You drink another glass of vodka and pass out.  The next morning you have 2 cows again and they're moooing far to loudly.

Offline Plthijnx

  • Alpha Rooster
  • *****
  • Posts: 537
  • My da*n easy button's broken. Can I borrow yours?
Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2129 on: June 12, 2009, 09:07:23 PM »
lol! right!
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown