Author Topic: Humor....I need Humor!  (Read 1391251 times)

Offline Plthijnx

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #60 on: January 12, 2006, 07:17:15 AM »
mike.....just for you bro!

The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of
a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good
shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane.


"It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor.


As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane
was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and
yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind
and soon they were in the air.


"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and
make three or four low level passes."


"Why?" asked the pilot.


"Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and
photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great
exasperation and impatience.


After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the instructor?"
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown

Offline Mike

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #61 on: January 17, 2006, 07:15:00 PM »
Good one! I love it!

Here is one just for you Texas!!

A Texan is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call on his cell phone.
 
He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar announcing his wife has produced a Typical Texas baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
 
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Texan just shrugs, "That's about average down home folks.
 
Like I said, my boy's a Typical Texas baby boy."
 
Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations of "WOW!"
 
We heard one woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.
 
Two weeks later he returns to the bar.
 
The bartender says, "Say you're the father of that Typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth.
 
Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks.  So how much does he weigh now?"
 
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
 
The bartender is puzzled, concerned, and a little suspicious. "What happened?  He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!"
 
The Texas father takes a slow swig from his Lone Star beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had'm circumcised!"


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Offline Plthijnx

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #62 on: January 18, 2006, 03:46:39 AM »
good'en mike!

A Swiss guy, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Englishmen are waiting.
"Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he says.
The two Englishmen just stare at him.
"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?"
The two continue to stare.
"Parlare Italiano?" No response,
"Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing.
The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted.
The first Englishman turns to the second and says, "Maybe we should learn a foreign language...."
"Why?" says the other, "That bloke knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown

Offline Plthijnx

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #63 on: January 18, 2006, 03:54:48 AM »
Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place:
The first guy begins, "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."
And then the second guy pipes in with, "That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."
Then the third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."
They continue to fish when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they asked him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?"
The fourth guy smiles, puts his feet up and says, "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing or Sex?" ...and she said, "Wear sun-block."
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown

Offline Mike

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #64 on: January 18, 2006, 05:33:54 AM »
This one had me laughing out loud!!

 
Sitting together on a train, traveling through the Swiss Alps, are a French guy, an American guy, an old Greek lady, and a young blonde Swiss girl.
 
The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.
 
When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Frenchman has a
bright red hand print on his cheek. No one speaks.
 
The old lady thinks: The Frenchman must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped his cheek.
 
The blonde thinks: That Frenchman must have tried to grope me
in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she
slapped his cheek.
 
The Frenchman thinks: The American must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.
 
The American thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel, so I can smack that Frenchman again.



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Offline SSgtSpeece

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Thoughts for 2006
« Reply #65 on: January 18, 2006, 11:05:20 AM »
Number 10 - Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9 - Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8 - If you are afraid you may fall off a tall place, carry an extension cord. It always hangs up on something.

Number 7 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6 - Some people are like a Slinky.....not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Number 5 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Number 4 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 3 - Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

Number 2 - In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2006: We know exactly where one cow with mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration.

 


Offline SSgtSpeece

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Little Johnny's manners
« Reply #66 on: January 18, 2006, 11:06:12 AM »
During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asks the students:

"Michael, if you were on a date, having supper with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

"Just a minute, I have to go pee."

"That would be rude and impolite! ! ! What about you Peter, how would you say it?"

"I am sorry , but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back."

That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you Little Johnny, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners?"

"I would say: 'Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after supper."

The teacher fainted!!!!


Offline SSgtSpeece

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Tequila ( notice some may find this inappropriate )
« Reply #67 on: January 18, 2006, 11:07:18 AM »
TEQUILA FOR MI AMOR

A Mexican is strolling down the street in Mexico City and kicks a
bottle lying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie.
The Mexican is stunned.

The Genie says,"Hello Master, I will grant you one wish, anything you
want."

The Mexican begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking tequila."
Finally the Mexican says, "I wish to drink tequila whenever I want, so
make me pee tequila."

The Genie grants him his wish.

When the Mexican gets home, he gets a glass out of the cupboard and
pees in it. He looks at the glass and it's clear...looks like tequila.
Then smells the liquid... smells like tequila. So he takes a taste, and
it is the best tequila he has ever tasted.

The Mexican yells to his wife, "Consuelo, Consuelo, come quickly!"

She comes running down the hall, and the Mexican takes another glass
out of the cupboard and fills it. He tells her to drink it. It is
tequila.

Consuelo is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best
tequila she has ever tasted. The two drank and partied all night.

The next night the Mexican comes home from work and tells his wife to
get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to fill the two
glasses. The result is the same. The tequila is excellent, and the
couple drinks until the sun comes up.

Finally Friday night comes and the Mexican comes home from work and
tells his wife, " Consuelo, grab one glass from the cupboard and we will
drink Tequila." His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on
the table.

The Mexican begins to fill the glass; and when he fills it, his wife
asks him, "But Pancho, why do we need only one glass?"

Pancho raises the glass and says, "BECAUSE TONIGHT, MI AMOR, YOU DRINK FROM THE BOTTLE."

SSgtSnake

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Military Humor is awesome...I have lots too!
« Reply #68 on: January 18, 2006, 11:42:32 AM »
 Marine Corp's General Reinwald was interviewed on the
 radio the other day and you have to read his reply to the
lady  who  interviewed him concerning guns and children.


Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love
this!!!!
 
 This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a
portion of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a
 female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald
 who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his
military installation.
 


 FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things
 are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your
base?
 


 GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing,
 canoeing, archery, and shooting.
 


 FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible,
isn't it?
 


GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly
 supervised on the rifle range.
 


 FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly
 dangerous activity to be teaching children?
 


 GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching
 them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
 

  FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent
 killers.
 


 GENERAL REINWALD: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be
 a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?
 


 The radio went silent and the interview ended.


You gotta love the Marines!

Offline Gulfstream Driver

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #69 on: January 18, 2006, 03:54:40 PM »
Since we're talking about the military...

This is a true story.

My dad, at one time, had a client in Crookston, MN, about 30 miles from Grand Forks.  This client was a truck driver, and he was dispatched to make an emergency run to Texas to deliver a load of potatoes for the Air Force.  When he got down there, he asked where the Air Force needed these potatoes so badly.  He was told they were going to Grand Forks AFB.
Behind every great man, there is a woman rolling her eyes.  --Bruce Almighty

Offline Mike

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #70 on: January 18, 2006, 04:02:02 PM »
If you guys like military humor, go to our link site on the CW-website and check out
"Operation Elusive Concept", they got some pretty funny stuff in there.


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Offline Mark

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #71 on: January 19, 2006, 04:24:08 AM »
Found this online about a month ago thought some of u guys might like it.


Airspeed: Speed of an airplane. Deduct 25% when listening to a Navy pilot.

Bank: The folks who hold the lien on most pilots' cars.

Cone of Confusion: An area about the size of New Jersey, located near the final approach beacon at an airport.

Crab: The squadron Ops Officer.

Dead Reckoning: You reckon correctly, or you are.

Engine Failure: A condition which occurs when all fuel tanks mysteriously become filled with air.

Firewall: Section of the aircraft specially designed to let heat and smoke enter the cockpit.

Glide Distance: Half the distance from the airplane to the nearest emergency landing field.

Hydroplane: An airplane designed to land on a 20,000 foot long wet runway.

IFR: A method of flying by needle and ripcord.

Lean Mixture: Nonalcoholic beer

Nanosecond: Time delay built into the stall warning system.

Parasitic Drag: A pilot who bums a ride and complains about the service.

Range: Usually about 30 miles beyond the point where all fuel tanks fill with air.

Rich Mixture: What you order at the other guy's promotion party.

Roger: Used when you're not sure what else to say.

Service Ceiling: Altitude at which cabin crews can serve drinks.

Spoilers: The Federal Aviation Administration.

Stall - Technique used to explain to the bank why you car payment is late.
When once you have tasted flight, you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been, and there you will always long to return.
- Leonardo da Vinci

Offline Mike

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #72 on: January 19, 2006, 05:31:10 AM »
Good one!!
This has "Chicken Wings" and Chuck written all over it!!


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Offline Ted_Stryker

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #73 on: January 24, 2006, 06:25:19 PM »
Let it never be said the FAA doesn't have a sense of humor sometimes too!

This is the actual lighting control panel in the tower cab at KSUS!

Enjoy!
We're going to have to come in pretty low!  It's just one of those things you have to do... when you land!  -- Ted Striker - Airplane!

Offline Ted_Stryker

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #74 on: January 24, 2006, 06:37:12 PM »
Now THIS is what I call a STEALTH Fighter!

Ladies and gentlemen... the F-22 Raptor!

We're going to have to come in pretty low!  It's just one of those things you have to do... when you land!  -- Ted Striker - Airplane!