Author Topic: Humor....I need Humor!  (Read 1369439 times)

Offline Firegirl

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #825 on: February 04, 2007, 06:17:31 PM »
My dad sent this to me. I just wanted to share this with you guys:


FOR SENIORS  HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN You're OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.

George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife
told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see
from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were
people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said
"no". Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply
lock his door and an officer would be along when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my
shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them
all." Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an
ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars
red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot
them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

(True Story) I LOVE IT

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet you could shoot beer out of you nose. --- Jack Handy

Offline Fekke

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #826 on: February 04, 2007, 07:35:32 PM »
Hahaha  :D

Hillarious!
If you catch my drift...

Offline Mike

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #827 on: February 13, 2007, 05:29:02 PM »
Some of them we have seen in this thread before, but they have a few new good ones in there!
Enjoy!  ::wave::

    Comments by staff of a Canadian  Airline.....
      You gotta love the Canadian sense of humor!

      West Jet is an airline with it's head office situated in Calgary, Alberta.
      West Jet  airline attendants make an  effort to make the inflight  "safety lecture" and  announcements a bit more  entertaining.
      Here are some  real examples that have been  heard or reported:

     
------------------------------------------------

      On a West Jet flight (there is  no assigned seating, you just   sit where you want)  passengers were apparently  having a hard time choosing,  when a
      flight attendant  announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture  here, find a seat and get in it!"
      -----------------------
      On another West Jet flight with  a very "senior" flight attendant  crew, the pilot said, "Ladies  and gentlemen, we've reached  cruising altitude and will be  turning down the cabin lights.   This is for your comfort and to  enhance the appearance of  your flight attendants."
      ------------------------
      On landing, the stewardess  said, "Please be
sure to take all of your belongings.  If you're  going to leave anything, please  make sure it's something we'd like to have."
      ------------------------
      "There may be 50 ways to  leave your lover, but there are  only 4 ways out of this  airplane."
       -----------------------
      "Thank you for flying West Jet  Express.  We hope you enjoyed giving us the business  as much as we enjoyed taking  you for a ride."
      ---------------------------
      As the plane landed and was  coming to a stop at the Vancouver Airport, a lone  voice came over the loudspeaker:  "Whoa, big fella,  WHOA!"
      -------------------------
      After a particularly rough 
landing during thunderstorms in  Ontario, a flight attendant on a West Jet flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead  compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell  everything has shifted."
      -----------------------
      From a West Jet Airlines  employee: "Welcome aboard West Jet flight 245 to Calgary.  To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the  buckle, and pull
      tight.  It works  just like every other seat belt;  and, if you don't know how to  operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public  unsupervised."
      ---------------------
      "In the event of a sudden loss  of cabin pressure, masks will  descend from the ceiling.  Stop screaming, grab the mask, and  pull it over your
face.  If you have a small child traveling with  you, secure your mask before  assisting with theirs.  If you are traveling with more than one  small child, pick your favorite."
      -----------------------
      Weather at our destination is  50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have  them fixed before we arrive.   Thank you, and remember,  nobody loves you, or your money, more than West Jet  Airlines.
      ------------------------
      Your seat cushions can be  used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water  landing, please paddle to shore  and take them with our compliments.
      -----------------------
      "As you exit the plane, make  sure to gather all of your  belongings. 
Anything
      left  behind will be distributed evenly  among the flight attendants.   Please do not leave children or  spouses."
      ---------------------------
      And from the pilot during his  welcome message:   "West Jet  Airlines is pleased to  announce that we have some  of the best flight     attendants in  the  industry.  Unfortunately,  none of them are on this  flight!"
      -----------------------------
      Heard on West Jet Airlines  just after a very hard landing in Edmonton:  The flight attendant  came on the intercom and  said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are  thinking.  I'm here to tell you it  wasn't the airline's fault, it  wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't  the
flight attendant's fault, it  was the asphalt."

      ----------------------

      Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement:  "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today.  And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of West Jet Airways."
      -----------------------
      Heard on a West Jet Airline flight.  "Ladies and
gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing.  If you can light 'em, you can smoke  'em."
      -----------------------

This one is older and has been used a lot, but it's still one of my favorites !!  ;D

      A plane was taking off from the Winnipeg Airport.  After it  reached a comfortable  cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.  Welcome to Flight  Number 293, nonstop from Winnipeg to Montreal.  The weather ahead is
      good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight.   Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!"
      Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier.  While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup
of hot coffee in
      my lap.  You should see the front of my pants!"
      A  passenger in coach yelled, "That's nothing.  You should  see the back of mine!"



Dear IRS: Please cancel my subscription.

Offline Fekke

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #828 on: February 13, 2007, 09:21:16 PM »
Haha, thats hillarious, Mike! ;D

Quote
"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."
was my favourite :)
If you catch my drift...

Offline Mike

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #829 on: February 13, 2007, 10:05:50 PM »
This was my favorite!

"As you exit the plane, make  sure to gather all of your  belongings. 
Anything left  behind will be distributed evenly  among the flight attendants.   Please do not leave children or  spouses."


Dear IRS: Please cancel my subscription.

Offline tundra_flier

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #830 on: February 13, 2007, 10:10:41 PM »
Quote
Heard on West Jet Airlines  just after a very hard landing in Edmonton:  The flight attendant  came on the intercom and  said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are  thinking.  I'm here to tell you it  wasn't the airline's fault, it  wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't  the
flight attendant's fault, it  was the asphalt."

Darn those defective Rectums!   ::cowboy::

Phil

Offline FlyboyGil

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #831 on: February 14, 2007, 09:03:19 PM »
LOL!!!!!!!!!!
IF YOU CAN'T SAY ANYTHING NICE, YOU'RE PROBABLY AT THE ICE CAPADES

Offline happylanding

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #832 on: February 14, 2007, 10:53:15 PM »
OMG!!!! that's tooooooooooooooooooooooo pretty!!!  ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl::
I give that landing a 9 . . . on the Richter scale.

Offline happylanding

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #833 on: February 14, 2007, 10:58:15 PM »
Approaches for men that today have not a valentine to party with.............   

    * Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want...the money?
    * I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed rock.
    * Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?
    * I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
    * Yo Baby, you be my Dairy Queen, I'll be your Burger King, you treat me right, and I'll do it your way.
    * Excuse me, do you have your phone number, I seem to have lost mine.
    * I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.
    * I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house?
    * If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.
    * Let's do breakfast tomorrow. Should I call you or nudge you?
    * If I could rewrite the alphabet, I would put U and I together.
    * There must be something wrong with my eyes, I can't take them off you.
    * Do you have a map? I just keep on getting lost in your eyes.
    * You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
    * That's a nice shirt. Can I talk you out of it?
    * Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only ten I see!
    * Was your father a thief? 'Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.
    * Your daddy must have been a baker, 'cause you've got a nice set of buns.
    * Excuse me, but I DO think it's time we met.
    * Shall we talk or continue flirting from a distance?
    * Is it cold in here, or are you just happy to see me?
    * Do you sleep on your stomach?
      No.
      Can I?
    * Be unique and different, say yes.


HAPPY VALENTINE!!!
I give that landing a 9 . . . on the Richter scale.

Offline chuckar101

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #834 on: February 19, 2007, 04:51:46 PM »
That's a nice shirt. Can I talk you out of it?

Classic, where do you find these things happy?
WOW I did that!

Offline Baradium

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #835 on: February 19, 2007, 08:19:02 PM »
That's a nice shirt. Can I talk you out of it?

Classic, where do you find these things happy?

She seems to have a gift.  ;)   


  ::rofl::
"Well I know what's right, I got just one life
In a world that keeps on pushin' me around
But I stand my ground, and I won't back down"
  -Johnny Cash "I won't back Down"

Offline happylanding

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #836 on: February 19, 2007, 10:27:48 PM »
All around the internet, chuckar! I'm always trying to find things that  ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl::
well, here are some pull down from women to men the day after....or even before....


Sure, I've seen people like you before - but I had to pay an admission...
Hi there, I'm a human being! What are you?
Your red shirt goes well with your eyes...
Save your breath...You'll need it to blow up your date.
Shouldn't you have a license for being that ugly?
Calling you an idiot would be an insult to all the stupid people.
Folk clap when they see you...but they clap their hands over their eyes.
You're about as much use as a Betamax videorecorder
All day I thought of you....I was at the zoo.
I'd love to ask how old you are, but unfortunately I know you can't count that high.
You should learn from your parents mistakes - try using some birth control.
Next time you shave, try standing an inch or two closer to the blade.
If I was as ugly as you were, I wouldn't say Hi to folk, I'd say BOO!
You've got the perfect weapon against muggers - yer face.
You got a face only a mother could love...unfortunately she too hates it!
Listen, are you always this stupid or are you just making a special effort today?
Sure, I'd love to help you out...now, which way did you come in?
Anybody who told you to be yourself simply couldn't have given you worse advice...
Well, they do say opposites attact...so I sincerely hope you meet somebody who is attractive, honest, intelligent, and cultured.
I heard that you changed your mind. So, what did you do with the diaper?
Why don't you slip into something more comfortable...like a coma????
You started at the bottom...and it's been downhill ever since!
I heard that you were a Ladykiller. They take one look at you and die of shock.
I know what sign you were born under...'RED LIGHT DISTRICT'


Have a nice evening! :) :)
I give that landing a 9 . . . on the Richter scale.

Offline Ted_Stryker

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #837 on: February 19, 2007, 10:54:06 PM »
Hey hey!  I don't get no respect....

Why, the last time anyone opened the car door for me we were on the highway!
We're going to have to come in pretty low! It's just one of those things you have to do... when you land! -- Ted Striker - Airplane!

Offline Mike

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #838 on: February 20, 2007, 02:48:30 AM »
got this one in an email today! ...made my day!  ;D



 
 
Living Will:

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room talking about many things.

The idea of a living will came up and I said to her,  "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If I ever come to that just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer.

Bitch...   >:(



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Offline Frank N. O.

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #839 on: February 20, 2007, 05:04:21 AM »
got this one in an email today! ...made my day! ;D



 
 
Living Will:

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room talking about many things.

The idea of a living will came up and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If I ever come to that just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer.

Bitch... >:(


Hahahahahahahahahah!!!! That was really egg-selent!  ::rofl:: |:)\

Frank
"When once you have tasted flight, you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been, and there you will always long to return."
Leonardo da Vinci