Author Topic: Humor....I need Humor!  (Read 1369250 times)

Offline Master Yoda

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #30 on: December 02, 2005, 07:38:20 PM »
A penguin is driving across Arizona with the A/C cranked.  He hears a terrible noise and suddenly the vents are blowing warm air.  He pulls into the first garage he sees and asks the mechanic to take a look. 

The penguin says, "Hey, is there someplace cool I can hang out?  I'm a little sensetive to heat."

Pointing down the road, the mechanic says, "Yeah, there's a supermarket down the block.  Their frezer section should keep you comfortable.  Why don't you go hang out there for about an hour."

So the penguin waddles off down the road and finds the freezers in the big store.  He promptly opens the door and climbs in among containers of ice cream.  After brief time, he looks around realizing he's hungry, pops the lid off a gallon of vanilla and chows down.  He finishes off the entire bucket and checks his watch, time to head back.  He waddles back down the road to the garage.

Seeing the mechanic bent under the hood of his car, the penguin says, "Hey, you find the problem?"

The mechanic turns around, "Yeah, looks like you just blew a seal."

The penguin wipes off his beak and says, "No, no!  It's just ice cream.  I swear!"
Hey!  What's a mountain goat doing up in this cloud bank?

Offline Mike

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #31 on: December 03, 2005, 05:38:10 AM »
;D

I'll have to dig up some of my others....I used to have a million of 'em  :D


"I went to look up my family tree and two dogs were using it!" - Rodney Dangerfield


Cool! Let's do some good quotes:

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer.
  Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the
    wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. "
       --Dave Barry


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Offline Ted_Stryker

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #32 on: December 06, 2005, 08:01:56 PM »
"I don't get no respect!  The last time anyone opened the car door for me we were on the highway at the time!" - Rodney Dangerfield

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"I used to have a book on 'How to train your memory in five easy lessons'... can't remember where I put it!" - Shemp Howard

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We're going to have to come in pretty low!  It's just one of those things you have to do... when you land!  -- Ted Striker - Airplane!

Offline Ted_Stryker

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #33 on: December 06, 2005, 08:06:22 PM »
Actual Sign Seen:

A sign seen on a restroom dryer at O'Hare Field in Chicago: Do not activate with wet hands.
We're going to have to come in pretty low!  It's just one of those things you have to do... when you land!  -- Ted Striker - Airplane!

Offline Ted_Stryker

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #34 on: December 06, 2005, 08:18:34 PM »
In the "Famous Last Words" Category:

"No flying machine will ever fly from New York to Paris." -- Orville Wright.

"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value." -- Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.

We're going to have to come in pretty low!  It's just one of those things you have to do... when you land!  -- Ted Striker - Airplane!

Offline Plthijnx

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #35 on: December 07, 2005, 10:05:03 PM »
It's better to break ground and head into the wind than to
break wind and head into the ground.

The difference between flight attendants and jet engines is
that the engine usually quits whining when it gets to the
gate.

A copilot is a knot-head until he spots opposite direction
traffic at 12 o'clock, after which he's a goof-off for not
seeing it sooner.

Without ammunition the USAF would be just another expensive
flying club.

If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about
to.
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown

Offline Mike

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #36 on: December 07, 2005, 11:23:48 PM »
Quote
It's better to break ground and head into the wind than to
break wind and head into the ground.

I love the first one!! (haven't heard it before)
Hate the last one though . . . . (because it's true)

Here is one I am sure you will enjoy:


Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drank I feel
ashamed.
Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and
all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be
out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It
is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be
selfish and worry about my liver."
--by Jack Handy



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Offline Plthijnx

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #37 on: December 08, 2005, 01:22:55 PM »
LOL! yeah, i thought about them last night!
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown

Offline Plthijnx

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #38 on: December 08, 2005, 01:27:26 PM »
'nuff said!
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown

Offline MO

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #39 on: December 08, 2005, 03:15:15 PM »

Ha ha ha ha!!! Goooood one Hijxn!!!

Offline Mike

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #40 on: December 12, 2005, 02:42:52 AM »


DYSLEXIC OF THE WORLD UNTIE !!!





(get it?... ;D)


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Offline Plthijnx

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #41 on: December 12, 2005, 01:45:43 PM »
(yeah, lol!)

now....

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD:

I live in a semi-rural area We recently had a new  neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our  road. The reason: "Too many deer are  being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good  place for them to be  crossing anymore."
From Kingman, KS.

 ______________________________________________________
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco  Bell and ordered a  taco. She asked the person behind the  counter for  "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg. He was a Chef? Yep...From Kansas City!

______________________________________________

IDIOT  SIGHTING:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate  when an airport employee asked,  "Has  anyone put anything in your baggage without your  knowledge? To which I replied, "If it was without my  knowledge,  how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."

Happened in Birmingham, Ala.
_______________________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING:
The stoplight on the corner  buzzes when its safe to  cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the  buzzer was for.  I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she  responded, "What on earth are blind people doing  driving?!" She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS ___________________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING:
At a good-bye luncheon  for an old and dear coworker.   She was leaving the
company due to "downsizing."
Our manager commented  cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often."  Not another word was spoken. We all  just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare. This was a bunch at Texas  Instruments.

 ________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I work with an  individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her own life,  couldn't understand  why her system would not turn on. A deputy with the  Dallas County Sheriffs office no  less.
____________________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING:
When my husband and I arrived at an  automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told  the keys  had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to  unlock the drivers side door. As I watched from  the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door  handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "its open!" His  reply, "I know - I already got that side." This was at  the Ford dealership in Canton, Mississippi!
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown

Offline leiafee

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #42 on: December 12, 2005, 09:38:08 PM »
Quote
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I work with an  individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her own life,  couldn't understand  why her system would not turn on. A deputy with the  Dallas County Sheriffs office no  less.

I've had clients do that.

Offline Plthijnx

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #43 on: December 13, 2005, 03:54:50 PM »
Blonde humor:

I.T. guy: She tells me she intends to make the security password for her PC:

"mickiemousedaffyduckbugsbunnyporkypigtomandjerry".

I suggested this is a bit on the long side.

She said "But all the manuals say your security password should be at least six characters long."

The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown

Offline Plthijnx

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #44 on: December 13, 2005, 08:17:40 PM »
<strike>Mike's</strike> errrr Chuck's Redneck Project Chopper!  ;D complete with test pilot!
« Last Edit: December 15, 2005, 07:46:31 PM by plthijnx »
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown