Humor....I need Humor!

[G-man]

Uhh.... am I "the mother"?!?!  Wow, that's what they call me at work too.....   

Okay -- this is what the fueler told me this morning out on the ramp:

QUESTION:   WHY DO SINGLE WOMEN LIVE LONGER THAN MARRIED WOMEN?

ANSWER:      BECAUSE THEY WANT TO.


                                                        

Yeah---I never knew what true happiness was until I got married....Then it was too late.............

                                                               

[FlyboyGil]

Uhh.... am I "the mother"?!?!  Wow, that's what they call me at work too.....   

Okay -- this is what the fueler told me this morning out on the ramp:

QUESTION:   WHY DO SINGLE WOMEN LIVE LONGER THAN MARRIED WOMEN?

ANSWER:      BECAUSE THEY WANT TO.


                                                        

I've heard the joke the other way round

[FlyboyGil]

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of a small Florida church found a plain pink envelope containing $1000.
 
It happened again the next week.
 
The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate.
 
This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.
 
"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.
 
"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church."
 
The pastor replied, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"
 
The old lady said, "$10,000 a week."
 
The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?"
 
"He is a veterinarian," she answered.
 
"That is an honourable profession," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"
 
The little old lady said proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno.

[Frank N. O.]

Cathouse 

Btw, just heard Kevin Bloody Wilson say this: AIDS: Alchohol Induced Dizzyness Syndrome

Frank

[G-man]

Cathouse 

Btw, just heard Kevin Bloody Wilson say this: AIDS: Alchohol Induced Dizzyness Syndrome

Frank

As opposed to the standard "Aviation Induced Divorce Syndrome"---These days I just go out and find a woman to hate and buy her a house.. 

[airtac]

Cathouse 

Btw, just heard Kevin Bloody Wilson say this: AIDS: Alchohol Induced Dizzyness Syndrome

Frank

As opposed to the standard "Aviation Induced Divorce Syndrome"---These days I just go out and find a woman to hate and buy her a house.. 

OH MAN, you are just being lazy---I mean, you're missing out on the "relationship building, aquiring the good stuff, and the going to hell in a handbasket" steps 

[FlyboyGil]

A married couple was in a terrible  accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the Husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny.
 
So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come  from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
 
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face.  He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful  beauty!
 
One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"
 
"My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

[airtac]

CHICAGO CENTER;  "Twin Cessna 1234, I'd like to keep you high for radar contact until I turn you onto the ILS---Will you be able to descend fast enough from that altitude?"

CESSNA 1234;     "No problem Chicago--this baby comes down like a Bonanza full of doctors !"

[Frank N. O.]

Wow, both of those above were brilliant! 
Was that really said over the radio? And, how did the ATC react, if at all?

Frank

[happylanding]

There was a little boy whose mother was about to have a baby. One day, the little boy walked in and saw his mother naked. He asked his mother what the hair between her legs was.

She responded, "It's my wash cloth."

Weeks later, after the mother had her baby, the young boy walked in on his mother again. While she was in the hospital, the doctor had shaved her pubic hair.

The boy asked, "What happened to your wash cloth?"

The mother responded, "I lost it."

The little boy, trying to be helpful, set out to find his mother's washcloth.

A few days later, he ran to his mother yelling and screaming, "I found your washcloth."

The mother, thinking that the child was just playing, went along with the boy and asked, "Where did you find it?"

The boy answered, "The maid has it! She is washing daddy's face with it."

[happylanding]

An Illinois man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.

Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife,

Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Your Loving Husband.

P.S. Sure is hot down here.

[tundra_flier]

Happy, myself and my co-workers thankyou for all the humor 
I cut and paste them into an e-mail for select people who I know have a sense of humor. 

Phil

[happylanding]

Happy, myself and my co-workers thankyou for all the humor 
I cut and paste them into an e-mail for select people who I know have a sense of humor. 

Phil

Happy to make you laugh!

[Franz]

Sled Driver, SR-71 Blackbird pilot Brian Shul writes:
I'll always remember a certain radio exchange that occurred one day as Walt (my back-seater) and I were screaming across Southern California 13 miles high. We were monitoring various radio transmissions from other aircraft as we entered Los Angeles airspace. Though they didn't really control us, they did monitor our movement across their scope.
I heard a Cessna ask for a readout of its ground speed.
"90 knots" Center replied.
Moments later, a Twin Beech required the same.
"120 knots," Center answered.
We weren't the only ones proud of our ground speed that day as almost instantly an F-18 smugly transmitted:
"Ah, Center, Dusty 52 requests ground speed readout."
There was a slight pause, then the response: "525 knots on the ground, Dusty."
Another silent pause. As I was thinking to myself how ripe a situation like this was, I heard a familiar click of a radio transmission coming from my back-seat:
"Center, Aspen 20, you got a ground speed readout for us?"
There was a longer than normal pause . . . .
"Aspen, I show 1,742 knots"
No further inquiries were heard on that frequency.
Longer version
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

And another SR-71-Joke:

Pilot: Radar, Good Day, Airforce Blackbird, request FL 600(!)

Controller: Sir, if you can reach, you are cleared FL 600

Pilot: US Air Force Blackbird, leaving FL 800, decending Level 600
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

The 30 Greatest Lies in Aviation

I'm from the FAA and I'm here to help you.
***
Me? I've never busted minimums.
***
We will be on time, maybe even early.
***
I have no interest in flying for the airlines.
***
I fixed it right the first time, it must have failed for other reasons.
***
All that turbulence spoiled my landing.
***
I'm a member of the mile high club.
***
I only need glasses for reading.
***
I broke out right at minimums.
***
The weather is gonna be alright; it's clearing to VFR.
***
Don't worry about the weight and balance -- it'll fly.
***
If we get a little lower I think we'll see the lights.
***
I'm 22, got 6000 hours, a four year degree and 3000 hours in a Lear.
***
I'd love to have a female co-pilot.
***
All you have to do is follow the book.
***
This plane outperforms the book by 20 percent.
***
We in aviation are overpaid, underworked and well respected.
***
Oh sure, no problem, I've got over 2000 hours in that aircraft.
***
I have 5000 hours total time, 3200 are actual instrument.
***
No need to look that up, I've got it all memorized.
***
We'll be home by lunchtime.
***
Your plane will be ready by 2 o'clock.
***
I'm always glad to see the FAA.
***
We fly every day -- we don't need recurrent training.
***
It just came out of annual -- how could anything be wrong?
***
I thought YOU took care of that.
***
I've got the field in sight.
***
I've got the traffic in sight.
***
Of course I know where we are.
***
I'm SURE the gear was down.
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Center: "Flight 321, turn right 5 degrees!"
Pilot: "Sir, we are a Boeing 747-400 and not able to make such little turns!"
Center: "Roger flight 321, so turn right 20 degrees and report established on new heading!"
Pilot: "Flight 321 roger, turning right 20 degrees!"
Pilot: "Flight 321 established on new heading."
Center: "Roger flight 321, now turn left 15 degrees!!!!!"
Pilot: "Flight 321 roger, You won!"

[Frank N. O.]

Hahaha, great classics, however just the for the record, when I say I want a female co-pilot, it's not a lie but wishful thinking 

Frank