Humor....I need Humor!

[fireflyr]

YEA MIke, gotta love them Marines

Firegirl, do you realize that not only funny---------but it's the truth!

Yes Frank, she really is that big---but I'm 6' 3" and weigh 235 pounds so I got the edge unless, of course she sneaks up on me

[Mike]

Firegirl, do you realize that not only funny---------but it's the truth!

good thing that one came from a girl, huh?! 

and yeah, it totally is the truth! (did your wife see this one yet, fireflyer?  heh heh....)

[fireflyr]

Firegirl, do you realize that not only funny---------but it's the truth!

good thing that one came from a girl, huh?!

and yeah, it totally is the truth! (did your wife see this one yet, fireflyer? heh heh....)

No but I'm sure she'd be okay with it---YEAH RIGHT--open mouth, insert foot---Dang, I did it again---Soooo how much money do I have to send this time to keep it quiet!!!!

[happylanding]

2. HIS DIARY
I shot the worst round of golf in my life today,
but at least I got laid.

How does it happen that I never find boyfriend who play golf? Maybe I could understand him better! Does it work with other sports too?!?!?!?!?! 

[happylanding]

Enjoy!!!! 


(busy) Moncton Center: "Speedbird 169 cleared direct Chibougamau"
BAW169: "I'm sorry, sir, can you repeat that?"
CZQM: "Speedbird 169 cleared direct Yankee Mike Tango"
BAW169: "Direct Yankee Mike Tango for Speedbird 169. What was that name again?"
CZQM: "It's called Chibougamau"
BAW169: "Would you say again, please?"
CZQM: "Chibougamau. I say again, Chibougamau!"
BAW169: "Oh, how quaint. What does it mean?"
CZQM: "It's eskimo for f--- off!"

--------------------------

Tomahawk: "F-XAA is final 29, touch and go."
Tower: "XAA is cleared touch and go, 29".
(several long circuits later)
Tomahawk: "F-XAA is final 29, touch and go"
Tower: "F-XAA is cleared touch and go, 29. How many more circuits were you planning on making?"
Tomahawk: "We though we'd make one or two more."
Tower: "Roger. I just wondered because we were calculating your landing fees, and you're up to $13,000 now."
(long delay)
Tomahawk: "THAT WAS OUR LAST ONE!!!!!"
(another long delay)
Tower: "Just kidding. Next time, read your flight supplement."

-------------------------------------

Control: You're unreadable, say again.
Motor-glider: I've turned off the engine, is that better?
Control: (looong pause)


 

[happylanding]

Three couples were coming home from dinner one night in the same car. Unfortunately the car was in a horrible accident and they all died. When they got to the pearly gates, St. Peter said to them, "Before you may enter Heaven, you must tell me why you should be allowed in."

The first man went up to St. Peter and said, "I've been a good man my entire life. I read the Bible everyday and never take the Lord's name in vain." St. Peter said, "True, but you are so in love with with money that you married a woman named Penny." And with that they were sent to hell.

The second man went up to St. Peter and said, "I've been a great guy all of my life, I go to church every Sunday, and I've read the entire Bible four times." St. Peter said, "True, but you love to drink so much that you married a woman named Sherrie." And with that they were sent to hell.

The third man, overhearing what had been said, looked at his wife and said, "Awww shit, we're never gonna make this, come on Fannie, lets go."

 

[Frank N. O.]

Great ones all of you 

For the record about the time then in DK we normally use 24-hour time and it's confusing as heck when you have a time in one system and a clock using the other, and now with such long days as we here so far from equator then when sleeping off-hours it can be confusing to find out if it's morning or evening with a 12 hour clock, we do normally put a : inbetween hours and minutes hehe.

About the one with the motorglider then I heard the story as it had a noisy muffler and was in transit flight to a place to get it fixed. I can seriously see this one as being real and man did I want to see that ATC's face

What's that again about the flight-supplement for that airport? I read that in another variant of that story too but can't remember it.

Interesting diary-story but I can more relate to her way of thinking than his. What nice person would not pay attention to a nice lady's company and not notice she got concerned? Tsk tsk. However I do still love to laugh at such stereotype stories (at the male's experience of course)

Frank

[Plthijnx]

YOU MAY BE A REDNECK PILOT IF:

your stall warning plays "Dixie."

your cross-country flight plan uses flea markets as check points.

you think sectionals charts should show trailer parks.

you've ever used moonshine as avgas.

you have mud flaps on your wheel pants.

you think GPS stands for going perfectly straight.

your toothpick keeps poking your mike.

you constantly confuse Beechcraft with Beechnut.

just before impact, you are heard saying, "Hey y'all, watch this!"

you have a black airplane with a big #3 on the side.

you've ever just taxied around the airport drinking beer.

you use a Purina feed bag for a windsock.

you fuel your wizzbang 140 from a Mason jar.

you wouldn't be caught dead flyin' a Grumman "Yankee."

you refer to flying in formation as "We got ourselves a convoy!"

there is a sign on the side of your aircraft advertising your septic tank service.

the set of "matched luggage" you take on your long cross-country flights is
three grocery sacks from the same Piggly Wiggly!

when you are the owner of Red Neck Airlines and pilot of Redneck One.

you subscribe to The Southern Aviator because of the soft paper!
P.S. - If you don't believe me, try cleaning yourself with one of those slick
magazines?!

[Gulfstream Driver]

What an interesting voyage into plthijnx's day.   

[happylanding]

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young engineer, fresh out of MIT “and what starting salary were you looking for?”…The engineer said “in the neighbour of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package”. The interviewer said “well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, a company matching retirement fund for 50% of your salary, and a company car leased ever 2 years…say a red Corvette?”. The engineer sat up straight and said “wow! Are you kidding?”. And the interviewer replied “Yeah, but you started it……”.    

[happylanding]

Plthijinx,
your help is needed! I'm really looking forward for  a good laugh today! Any ideas?!?!?!? 

[Plthijnx]

sorry sweetheart. been out of pocket. not feeling to humorous right now.

[Frank N. O.]

I'll try, sorry if there are repeaters, there's been a lot of fuel thrue the combustor since last I checked this forum so I might post a few repeaters, but anything to try and cheer someone up. I'll post a lot so I hope there are at least a few new ones for at least some of you. The copied story is in italic, normal text above the story are my own comments.
---
TOWER: PH-ABC, check you have the gear down?
PILOT: Sir, it has been down since this aircraft was built.
---
PILOT: Good morning, Frankfurt ground, KLM 242 request start up and push back, please.
GROUND: KLM 242 expect start up in two hours.
PILOT: Please confirm, two hours delay?
GROUND: Affirmative.
PILOT: In that case, cancel the good morning!
---
TOWER: Mission 1234, your are cleared to...via...and via...After take off... and...then...climb to...and further...and descend...further instructions on frequency...or...and squawk...Acknowledge please!
PILOT: Roger tower, we are cancelling IFR.
---
I wonder if this was the one that was used for a certain Chicken Wings strip that had a similar story or if that's a normal occurance for pilots (I sure hope it's the first rather than the second though!)?
CONTROLLER : Delta Oscar Mike, squawk 0476.
PILOT : Say again.
CONTROLLER : Squawk 0476.
PILOT : Four, zero....?
CONTROLLER : Wollen sie nen leichteren haben?
---
PILOT : Tower,request permission to enter zone XY.
TOWER : Negative!
PILOT : Did you say negative ?
TOWER : Affirmative
PILOT : Understood affirmative.I will call you leaving the zone.
---
PILOT : Does the enemy F-16 come from east or west?
TOWER : Yes.
PILOT : Yes,what?
TOWER : Yes,SIR!
---
I really like this one
CONTROLLER : Delta Zulu Romeo,turn right now and report your heading.
PILOT: Wilco.341, 342, 343, 344, 345....
---
A nice variation on a classic
TOWER : Say fuelstate.
PILOT : fuelstate.
TOWER : Say again.
PILOT : again.
TOWER : Arghl,give me your fuel!!
PILOT : Sorry, need it by myself.....
---
ATC's can do it too
PILOT : ....Tower, please call me a fuel truck.
TOWER : Roger.You are a fuel truck.
---
Ouch!
Santa Claus, upon trudging out to his sleigh for his annual night freight trip around the world, was surprised to find a guy with a shotgun standing next to his rig. Santa asked him why he was there. The man replied, "I'm from the FAA, and this is an unscheduled 135 inspection. I'll ride right seat." Santa responded, "With all due respects, sir, I've been doing this flight for over 700 years -- but if you insist, well, let's go." As they both climbed into the sleigh, Santa noticed that the FAA inspector brought his shotgun along with him, placing it in his lap, with his finger on the trigger. Santa queried, "What's the shotgun for?" To which the FAA inspector grumbled, "You're going to lose two on takeoff..."
---
Seriously, I really like this one, I can see this as a poster on the wall!
The Pilot's Prayer

Oh controller, who sits in tower
Hallowed be thy sector.
Thy traffic come, thy instructions be done
On the ground as they are in the air.
Give us this day our radar vectors,
And forgive us our TCA incursions (*)
As we forgive those who cut us off on final.
And lead us not into adverse weather,
But deliver us our clearances.

Roger.
---
And one for the slingers (my own just-now invented word for sling-wing pilots )
Commandments of Helicopter Flying.

* He who inspecteth not his aircraft giveth his angels cause to concern him.
* Hallowed is thy airflow across thy disc restoring thine Translational Lift.
* Let infinite discretion govern thy movement near the ground, for vast is the area of destruction.
* Blessed is he who strives to retain his standards, for without them he shall surely perish.
* Thou shalt maintain thy speed whilst between ten and four hundred feet lest the earth rise and smite thee.
* Thou shall not make trial of thy centre of gravity lest thou dash thy foot against a stone.
* Thou shalt not let thy confidence exceed thy ability, for broad is the way to destruction.
* He that doeth his approach and alloweth the wind to turn behind him shall surely make restitution.
* He who alloweth his tail rotor to catch in the thorns curseth his childrens children.
* Observe thou this parable lest on the morrow thy friends mourn thee.
---
A friend of a friend, who is an airline copilot, told the following stories about a captain with whom he often flew. This guy was an excellent pilot, but not real good at making passengers feel at ease.

For example, one time the airplane in front of him blew a tire on landing, scattering chunks of rubber all over the runway. He was aked to hold while the trucks came out and cleaned up. His announcement:

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm afraid there will be a short delay before our arrival. They've closed the airport while they clean up what's left of the last airplane that landed there.

Then there was the time they were flying through turbulence. Some of the passengers became alarmed at how much the wings were bending in the rough air and one of the flight attendants relayed that message to the captain. His announcement:

Ladies and gentlemen, I've been informed that some of you have noticed our wings bending in the turbulence. In fact, the flight attendant told me that the wing tips are bending as much as ten feet in the bumps. Well, that's perfectly normal; there's nothing to worry about. Our wings are designed to bend as much as thirteen feet at the tips and, as you can see, we're nowhere near that yet.
---
NY Ctr: "Federal Express 235, descend, maintain three one zero, expect lower in ten miles."
FedEx 235: "Okay, outta three five for three one oh, FedEx two thirty-five."
NY Ctr: "Delta fahv twuntee, climb one ninah zeruh, dat'll be finah..."
Delta 520: "Uhh... up to one niner zero, Delta five twenty."
NY Ctr: "Al-italia wonna sixxa, you slowa to two-a-fifty, please."
Alitalia 16: "HEY! You make-a funna Alitalia?!"
NY Ctr: "Oh, no! I make-a funna Delta anna FedEx!"
---
Q. Why did Santa Claus ask Rudolf to lead his sleigh team?
A. Rudolf was the only one who was IFR current.
---
PILOT: Toronto Terminal, FQOZ is a Cherokee 140, Burlington skyway at 3500, VFR to Buttonville via the island, would like to get as high as possible.
ATC:QOZ, cleared to flight level 230.
PILOT: {sputter, gasp!} Say again! Did you say flight level 230 for QOZ?!
ATC:Just kidding; I can give you up to 6500.
---

To be continued...
Frank

[happylanding]

thank you! I really needed some good laugh!
In the meantime a found one....

Mickey and Minnie Mouse were at court for divorce proceedings. The judge told Mickey, "Look here Mickey Mouse, I can't grant you a divorce from Minnie!"

Mickey Mouse was stunned and asked, "Why not???"

The Judge said, "I've reviewed all the information you gave to the court, but I can't find any evidence at all to support the grounds that she is crazy!"

Mickey Mouse says, "Your Honour! I didn't say she was CRAZY, I said she was f**ing Goofy!"

[fireflyr]

What an interesting voyage into plthijnx's day.   

Don't blame him!!!
How would you feel if you were an engineer and never got a chance to drive a locomotive, you'd be frustared too