Author Topic: Humor....I need Humor!  (Read 1403454 times)

Offline Callisto

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #465 on: July 14, 2006, 03:21:18 AM »
Good one Happy!  ;D


And Plthijinx... you are missed... Come back soon... and well!  |:)\
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Offline happylanding

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #466 on: July 15, 2006, 08:55:41 AM »
And Plthijinx... you are missed... Come back soon... and well!  |:)\

I completely agree! Plthijinx where are thou?!??!? ??? ???

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A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 AM.

Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. She sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."

"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.

As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "aren't you Officer Fenwick of the 8th District?"

"Yes, I am," said the officer.

"Well, then, what in the world are you doing in the Fire Chief's uniform?"
I give that landing a 9 . . . on the Richter scale.

Offline happylanding

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #467 on: July 15, 2006, 01:35:36 PM »
IF AIRLINES SOLD PAINT . . .

Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?
Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things.

Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price?
Clerk: Our lowest price is $12 a gallon, and we have 60 different prices up to $200 a gallon.

Customer: What's the difference in the paint?
Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint.

Customer: Well, then I'd like some of that $12 paint.
Clerk: When do you intend to use the paint?

Customer: I want to paint tomorrow. It's my day off.
Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.

Customer: When would I have to paint to get the $12 paint?
Clerk: You would have to start very late at night in about 3 weeks. But you will have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday.

Customer: You've got to be *&%^#@* kidding!
Clerk: I'll check and see if we have any paint available.

Customer: You have shelves FULL of paint! I can see it!
Clerk: But it doesn't mean that we have paint available. We sell only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way, the price per gallon just went to $16. We don't have any more $12 paint.

Customer: The price went up as we were talking?
Clerk: Yes, sir. We change the prices and rules hundreds of times a day, and since you haven't actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, we just decided to change. I suggest you purchase your paint as soon as possible. How many gallons do you want?

Customer: Well, maybe five gallons. Make that six, so I'll have enough.
Clerk: Oh no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy paint and don't use it, there are penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already have.

Customer: WHAT?
Clerk: We can sell enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the bedroom, you will lose your remaining gallons of paint.

Customer: What does it matter whether I use all the paint? I already paid you for it!
Clerk: We make plans based upon the idea that all our paint is used, every drop. If you don't, it causes us all sorts of problems.

Customer: This is crazy!! I suppose something terrible happens if I don't keep painting until after Saturday night!
Clerk: Oh yes! Every gallon you bought automatically becomes the $200 paint.

Customer: But what are all these, "Paint on sale from $10 a liter" signs?
Clerk: Well that's for our budget paint. It only comes in half-gallons. One $5 half-gallon will do half a room. The second half-gallon to complete the room is $20. None of the cans have labels, some are empty and there are no refunds, even on the empty cans.

Customer: To hell with this! I'll buy what I need somewhere else!
Clerk: I don't think so, sir. You may be able to buy paint for your bathroom and bedrooms, and your kitchen and dining room from someone else, but you won't be able to paint your connecting hall and stairway from anyone but us. And I should point out, sir, that if you paint in only one direction, it will be $300 a gallon.

Customer: I thought your most expensive paint was $200!
Clerk: That's if you paint around the room to the point at which you started. A hallway is different.

Customer: And if I buy $200 paint for the hall, but only paint in one direction, you'll confiscate the remaining paint.
Clerk: No, we'll charge you an extra use fee plus the difference on your next gallon of paint. But I believe you're getting it now, sir.

Customer: You're insane!
Clerk: Thanks for painting with United.
I give that landing a 9 . . . on the Richter scale.

Offline happylanding

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #468 on: July 15, 2006, 01:45:44 PM »
A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window. A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong, mean-looking, hulking guy plops down in the seat next to him and immediately falls asleep.

The little guy starts to feel a little airsick, but he's afraid to wake the big guy up to ask if he can move aside to let him go to the bathroom. He knows he can't climb over him, and so the little guy is sitting there, looking at the big guy, trying to decide what to do.

Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave of nausea passes through the little guy. He can't hold it in any longer and hurls all over the big guy's chest.

About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the vomit all over him.

"So," says the little guy, "......are you feeling any better now?"
I give that landing a 9 . . . on the Richter scale.

Offline happylanding

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #469 on: July 15, 2006, 01:53:23 PM »
A small jet trainer was taxying toward the beginning of the runway. The pupil stopped for checks when he and his instructor were watching a section of A-4s taking off at a rather steep angle.

Pupil: Sir, how come they take off so steeply?
(a moment of pause)
Instructor: Do you know why a dog licks his balls?
Pupil:No, Sir
Instructor:Because he CAN...
I give that landing a 9 . . . on the Richter scale.

Offline Stef

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #470 on: July 15, 2006, 01:53:31 PM »
IF AIRLINES SOLD PAINT . . .

... oh my god! this is SOOO true! I was switching from laughter to seriously thinking "yeah, why do they really do that?" the whole time!!

Offline happylanding

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #471 on: July 15, 2006, 01:55:16 PM »
A reporter was interviewing an old Scandinavian fighter pilot, asking him how it was in the war.

"Vell," said the old guy, "vee used to fly up dere and dogfight dem Krauts. Ya, vee used to shoot dem German fokkers outta da sky."

"For the benefit of our viewers," interrupted the reporter, "we should explain that the term 'fokker' refers to a specific type of German fighter plane."

"Vell ya," said the old Scandianvian pilot, "but those fokkers were Messerschmitt's."
I give that landing a 9 . . . on the Richter scale.

Offline happylanding

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #472 on: July 15, 2006, 02:00:22 PM »
... oh my god! this is SOOO true! I was switching from laughter to seriously thinking "yeah, why do they really do that?" the whole time!!

HAHA! Imagine if all the world used to go in the same way!!!  :D   We're still lucky, even if something doesn't work, we haven't reached these levels yet!!!!
« Last Edit: July 15, 2006, 06:58:43 PM by happylanding »
I give that landing a 9 . . . on the Richter scale.

Offline Mike

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #473 on: July 15, 2006, 06:07:17 PM »
Short, but funny:



One day, Jay Dini came home and was greeted by his wife dressed
In a very sexy nightie.  "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do
anything you want."
So he tied her up and went fishing.


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Offline happylanding

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #474 on: July 15, 2006, 10:19:23 PM »
One day, Jay Dini came home and was greeted by his wife dressed
In a very sexy nightie.  "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do
anything you want."
So he tied her up and went fishing.

Man! it could have been his lucky day!  :)
At least, did he come home with some fish?!?!?
________________________________________________

Lady Radar Controller: "Can I turn you on at 7 miles?"
Airline Captain: "Madam, you can try."

Nite Nite! ;)
I give that landing a 9 . . . on the Richter scale.

Offline Ted_Stryker

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #475 on: July 16, 2006, 04:48:58 AM »
Those are great!  Keep 'em coming Happy and Stef!

I need to dust of my brain cells to remember more of the ones I used to know.... at least the cleaner ones :)  Got plenty from when I was a police dispatcher... but they aren't exactly... well ... suitable for here :)
We're going to have to come in pretty low!  It's just one of those things you have to do... when you land!  -- Ted Striker - Airplane!

Offline happylanding

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #476 on: July 16, 2006, 12:52:44 PM »
ATC:    "Delta 23, cross Gainesville at and maintain flight level two seven zero."
Delta23:    "Delta 23, roger."
(three minutes later, Delta 23 is five miles from GNV,  at FL 350)
ATC:    "Delta 23, did you copy the crossing restriction, Gainesville at flight level two seven zero?"
Delta23:    "uhhh..... Jax... we're gonna miss that, my first officer took that clearance"
ATC:    "Delta 23, do you think you could borrow his notes?"

I give that landing a 9 . . . on the Richter scale.

Offline happylanding

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #477 on: July 16, 2006, 01:01:12 PM »
An FAA Inspector walked into a doctor's office with a frog on his head.

The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

And the frog said, "Take this wart off my butt."
I give that landing a 9 . . . on the Richter scale.

Offline happylanding

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #478 on: July 16, 2006, 01:09:31 PM »
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, fishing, always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of
sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.

I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. “When you finish cutting the grass,” I said, “you might as well sweep the sidewalk.”

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
I give that landing a 9 . . . on the Richter scale.

Offline FlyingBlind

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #479 on: July 16, 2006, 04:58:34 PM »
Two guys flying in a helicopter at night with NV goggles on.

Radio: ,,constant information coming in and sencless thing''

Then there are 2 trees pretty close together
Pilot#1: Ye think we are going to fit ?
Pilot#2: We sure as hell are going to try!