Author Topic: Humor....I need Humor!  (Read 1390018 times)

Offline G-man

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2010 on: December 30, 2008, 08:29:48 PM »
Wildest Christmas dinner

 
**This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinners. It won first prize.****
***

 
As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.
 
What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.
 
One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.
 
If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go.  **You'll** only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, ‘What does this do?' 'You're kidding me!' 'Who would buy that?' Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.
 
I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.
 
Finding what I wanted was difficult. 'Love Dolls' come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for 'Lovable Louise.' She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a 'doll' took a huge leap of imagination. On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.
 
My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray.  I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.
 
The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy, but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.
 
We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

 My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. 'What the hell is that?' she asked.


My brother quickly explained, 'It's a doll.'
 
'Who would play with something like that?' Granny snapped.
 
I kept my mouth shut.

 'Where are her clothes?' Granny continued.
 
'Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,' Jay said, to steer her into the dining room.
 
But Granny was relentless. 'Why doesn't she have any teeth?'

Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, ‘Hang on Granny, hang on!'

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, ' Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?' I told him she was Jay's friend.
 
A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise.
Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.

Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.
 
It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
 
Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.

 I can't wait until next Christmas!

Life may not be the party we hoped for---but while we're here--we might as well dance..........

Offline FlyboyGil

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2011 on: January 05, 2009, 12:08:45 AM »
4 Words, 2 Meanings

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female - Any part under a car's hood (bonnet).
Male - The strap fastener on a woman's bra.


2. VULNERABLE (vul -ne-ra-bull) adj.
Female - Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male - Playing football without a cup.


3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shun) n.
Female - The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male - Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.


4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female - A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male - Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
IF YOU CAN'T SAY ANYTHING NICE, YOU'RE PROBABLY AT THE ICE CAPADES

Offline Rooster Cruiser

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2012 on: January 05, 2009, 06:33:38 AM »
Redneck Reboot:
"Me and Earl was haulin' chickens / On a flatbed outta Wiggins..."

Wolf Creek Pass, by CW McCall

Offline Stef

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2013 on: January 05, 2009, 10:19:42 PM »
How awesome is that?!

Offline FlyboyGil

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2014 on: January 06, 2009, 09:50:52 PM »
A mother and her young inquisitive son were flying Singapore Airlines from Singapore to New York.
The son, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and asked, "If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?"
The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the pretty flight attendant.

So, the boy dutifully walked up the aisle and asked the flight attendant, "If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?"
"Did your mother tell you to ask me that?" the attendant asked the lad.

The little boy admitted that she did.

"Well, then, tell your mother there are no baby planes because Singapore Airlines always pulls out on time," said the pretty flight attendant. "I'm sure she won't have any trouble explaining that to you.
"
IF YOU CAN'T SAY ANYTHING NICE, YOU'RE PROBABLY AT THE ICE CAPADES

Offline Ragwing

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2015 on: January 13, 2009, 05:19:23 AM »
You have not flown until you have flown SAFESEX AIRLINES
http://www.buzzhumor.com/videos/14686/Safe_Sex_Airlines

This has been a public service announcement

Offline Rooster Cruiser

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2016 on: January 19, 2009, 09:46:02 PM »
The World's Shortest Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?'
The girl said, 'NO!' And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and left the toilet seat up.

The End

 >:D |:)\
"Me and Earl was haulin' chickens / On a flatbed outta Wiggins..."

Wolf Creek Pass, by CW McCall

Offline Oddball

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2017 on: January 19, 2009, 10:35:28 PM »
The World's Shortest Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?'
The girl said, 'NO!' And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and left the toilet seat up.

The End

 >:D |:)\

Where do i sign up?
"You can teach monkeys to fly better than that!"and "spring chicken to sh**e hawk in one easy lesson"

Offline TheSoccerMom

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2018 on: January 19, 2009, 10:55:43 PM »
The World's Happiest Fairy Tale:

Once upon a time, five guys asked a girl to marry them.  The girl said "NO, NO, NO, NO and NO!"

And she lived happily ever after, and rode horses and went camping and rode fast motorcyles and traveled everywhere she wanted whenever she wanted and flew airplanes all over the country down in the burning trees and drank great beers from all over and jumped out of airplanes with SEALs and fought fire all over and mapped tropical thunderstorms and raised wolves and flew floats and howled at the moon and wore makeup only on Halloween and left the toilet seat down and loved every minute of it.

The End.


 ;)
Don't make me come back there!!!!

Offline Turbomallard

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2019 on: January 20, 2009, 01:25:16 AM »
The World's Happiest Fairy Tale:

Once upon a time, five guys asked a girl to marry them.  The girl said "NO, NO, NO, NO and NO!"

And she lived happily ever after, and rode horses and went camping and rode fast motorcyles and traveled everywhere she wanted whenever she wanted and flew airplanes all over the country down in the burning trees and drank great beers from all over and jumped out of airplanes with SEALs and fought fire all over and mapped tropical thunderstorms and raised wolves and flew floats and howled at the moon and wore makeup only on Halloween and left the toilet seat down and loved every minute of it.

The End.


 ;)

But what are you going to say when the sixth guy asks...? ::whistle::

TM
"Do not read this signature under penalty of law."

Offline TheSoccerMom

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2020 on: January 20, 2009, 02:23:33 AM »
BWAAAA HAAAA!    ::rofl::

Oh SILLY Turbo-Duck,

It's a FAIRY TALE!!!!!!!!!! 

You silly quacker..........!!!!!!!!!!!    ::rofl::

 ;)

 :D
Don't make me come back there!!!!

Offline Turbomallard

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2021 on: January 20, 2009, 03:37:24 AM »
BWAAAA HAAAA!    ::rofl::

Oh SILLY Turbo-Duck,

It's a FAIRY TALE!!!!!!!!!! 

You silly quacker..........!!!!!!!!!!!    ::rofl::

 ;)

 :D

Why am I not convinced by that statement...?  ::angel::

TM

P.S. If anyone ever asks you to convert an entire ground school course from the Jep text to the [CENSORED] FAA texts... tell them to [CENSORED] their [CENSORED] while keeping the left leg of the stuffed goose [CENSORED] and the battery [CENSORED]. Mutter, mutter...
"Do not read this signature under penalty of law."

Offline vldflight

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2022 on: January 20, 2009, 03:45:30 PM »
I did it, took a little over a week since discovering this great site, but I have finnally read each and every page of this thread.  Loved it, thanks for making a South Georgia avaiation nut, a very happy nut.

Offline gibbo_335

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2023 on: January 21, 2009, 02:09:45 AM »
It was our pleasure  ;D ...WELCOME TO THE COOP  |:)\
YEWWWwwwwwwwww

Offline Rooster Cruiser

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2024 on: January 21, 2009, 07:33:37 AM »
Hey, welcome to da coop vldflight!   ::wave::  Would I be guessing correctly that you are based at Valdosta?  What are you flying there?

Please post an intro for yourself in the "Introduce Yourself" section of the Forum.  We'll be all ears!   |:)\

RC
"Me and Earl was haulin' chickens / On a flatbed outta Wiggins..."

Wolf Creek Pass, by CW McCall