Author Topic: Humor....I need Humor!  (Read 1403960 times)

Offline Mike

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #660 on: November 18, 2006, 07:25:46 PM »
Yeah, HA HA!!!

I wonder if they are still together.... If so, I bet they would be a good couple.....


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Offline Mike

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #661 on: November 19, 2006, 07:41:16 PM »
while we're at the subject of peeing (I wonder why that keeps coming up....we have a whole thread about it.... ;D )

here is another one:


THE POLITE WAY TO GO PEE
 
             During one of her daily classes a teacher trying
to teach good manners, asked her students the
following question.
 
            "Michael, if you were on a date having dinner
with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that
you have to go to the bathroom?"
 
              Michael said, "just a minute I have to go pee."
 
              The teacher responded by saying, :that would be
rude and impolite.
 
              What about you Peter, how would you say it?"
 
              Peter, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to
the bathroom. I'll be right back."
            "Thats better, but it's still not very nice to say
the word bathroom at the dinner table and you, little
Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us
your good manners?"
              "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused
for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear
friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after
dinner."
 
              The teacher fainted.


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Offline Baradium

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #662 on: November 21, 2006, 04:34:53 AM »
Working in the airiline industry:

1. We work in weird shifts. Like prostitutes
2. They pay you to make the client happy... Like a prostitute
3. The client pays a lot of money, but your employer keeps almost every penny... Like a prostitute
4. You are rewarded for fulfilling the client's dreams... Like a prostitute
5. Your friends fall apart and you end up hanging out with people in the same profession as you... Like a prostitute
6. When you have to meet the client you always have to be perfectly groomed. Like a prostitute
7. But when you go back home it seems like you are coming back from hell... Like a prostitute
8. The client always wants to pay less but expects incredible things from you... Like a prostitute
9. When people ask you about your job, you have difficulties to explain it... Like a prostitute
10. Everyday when you wake up, you say: I'M NOT GOING TO SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE DOING THIS"..... Like a prostitute


REMARKS The only difference is the prostitutes can take Christmas and New Year's Eve off and they actually DO make a lot of Money!!!
"Well I know what's right, I got just one life
In a world that keeps on pushin' me around
But I stand my ground, and I won't back down"
  -Johnny Cash "I won't back Down"

Offline Frank N. O.

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #663 on: November 21, 2006, 05:05:12 AM »
LOLx2!  :D  |:)\

Frank
"When once you have tasted flight, you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been, and there you will always long to return."
Leonardo da Vinci

fireflyr

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #664 on: November 21, 2006, 04:35:13 PM »
I concur with Baradium---pilots and prostitutes have always had a lot in common--both can have jobs and hobbies that overlap! ;)

Offline Baradium

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"Well I know what's right, I got just one life
In a world that keeps on pushin' me around
But I stand my ground, and I won't back down"
  -Johnny Cash "I won't back Down"

Offline Frank N. O.

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #666 on: November 28, 2006, 10:48:56 PM »
There can really be some funny ones there, if only there were some CW jokes there too (when I get some time I want to check out animation tools because there are several jokes in the two books I'm sure could work animated).

Here's one I just heard from Gary Mule Deer on the internet radio and I wonder if it's really true:
"I found this in the pocket of the seat in front of me on a Southwest Airlines Flight: If you're sitting near an exit and cannot read this sign please tell a crewmember."
I've heard other similar ones:

At a drivethrue there was written: Picture menu available on request. The staff said it was for people who couldn't read and when the comic asked how they would know she said in all seriousness: It's written right there.
Note: In it's mainly just McDonalds that has drivehtrues but they usually have several pictures together with the menu name and price.

Yet another one: At a drivethrue bank there were the instructions for the ATM in braille. And I agree with the comic's question: What blind person drives a car to a drivethrue bank? And might I myself add: Maybe it's for blind people that are passengers in RHD cars? Ok writting that last one I just thought that the blind person might be a passenger in a backseat, but I still think it's a bit weird.

Frank
"When once you have tasted flight, you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been, and there you will always long to return."
Leonardo da Vinci

Offline happylanding

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #667 on: November 29, 2006, 01:13:32 AM »
A blonde woman was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note. "I have kidnapped your child. I am sorry to do this but I need the money. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park at 7 AM." Signed, "The Blonde".

She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed.

Inside the bag was the following note. "Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another."
I give that landing a 9 . . . on the Richter scale.

Offline Mike

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #668 on: November 29, 2006, 02:17:24 AM »
HA HA!!!

Good to have you back, Happy !!!!


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fireflyr

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #669 on: November 29, 2006, 10:44:19 AM »
Thanks Frank,
Got a good laugh out of that one---I too have wondered what the hell a blind person would be doing in the drive through at a bank!
As far as McDonalds goes though--they give their stuff such stupid names and descriptions that if I'm forced to eat there (damn seldom) I just look at a picture and order the associated number rather than lower myself by asking for a "McCrap burger" or whatever they call it!

Offline Mike

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #670 on: December 01, 2006, 06:18:29 AM »
Did I post this one yet? (I am certainly not gonna go through 44 pages of jokes in this thread to find out....)
One of my favorites:


The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.

He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was
going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his
good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain
and as it was still early, decided go to the party.

Since her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she
would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when
she was not with him.

So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume,
cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he
could and copping a little feel here and a li ttle kiss there.
His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he
left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her.

She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.

After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear
and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate
intercourse in the back seat.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and
put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of
explanation he would make up for his outrageous behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had.

"Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

Then she asked,"Did you dance much?"

He replied, I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got
there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys,so we went into the
spare room and played poker all evening."

You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker
all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm.

To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to your
brother, apparently he had the time of his life.


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Offline tundra_flier

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #671 on: December 01, 2006, 07:35:32 AM »
Hmmm...last time he gave the costume to his father.  ;)

Offline tundra_flier

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #672 on: December 01, 2006, 07:38:04 AM »
Thanks Frank,
Got a good laugh out of that one---I too have wondered what the hell a blind person would be doing in the drive through at a bank!
As far as McDonalds goes though--they give their stuff such stupid names and descriptions that if I'm forced to eat there (damn seldom) I just look at a picture and order the associated number rather than lower myself by asking for a "McCrap burger" or whatever they call it!

Hear you there, when I feel I have to eat at McDonalds I order the same way I do at Thai resturants,  "I'll have the number 8, with coke please".  Both places I feel I'd embarras myself reading the name off the menu, but for totally different reasons.   :-[

Phil

Offline happylanding

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #673 on: December 01, 2006, 07:46:52 AM »
After a long night of passion, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.
"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.
He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.
"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.
"Oh well...That's me before the operation........"

a wonderful day to you all! :)
I give that landing a 9 . . . on the Richter scale.

Offline Baradium

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #674 on: December 01, 2006, 08:10:04 AM »
<shudder>
"Well I know what's right, I got just one life
In a world that keeps on pushin' me around
But I stand my ground, and I won't back down"
  -Johnny Cash "I won't back Down"