Author Topic: Humor....I need Humor!  (Read 1377999 times)

Offline Rooster Cruiser

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1755 on: April 24, 2008, 07:50:45 PM »
A married man left work early one Friday, but instead of going
 home, he spent the weekend partying with the boys.   When he finally returned home on Sunday night, his wife really got on his case and stayed on it.
   
   After a few of hours of swearing and screaming, his wife paused
 and pointed at him and made him an offer. "How would you like it if
 you didn't see me for a couple of days?".....
   
   The husband couldn't believe his luck, so he looked up, smiled
 and said,"That would suit me just fine!!"
   
   Monday went by, and the man didn't see his wife.
   
   Tuesday and Wednesday went by and he still didn't see her.
   
   Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her
 a little out of the corner of his left eye...
 ::eek:: ::eek:: ::eek:: ::eek:: ::eek:: ::eek::
 ::unbelieveable:: ::unbelieveable:: ::unbelieveable:: ::unbelieveable:: ::unbelieveable:: ::unbelieveable::
 :o :o :o :o :o :o
"Me and Earl was haulin' chickens / On a flatbed outta Wiggins..."

Wolf Creek Pass, by CW McCall

Offline G-man

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1756 on: April 29, 2008, 02:09:32 PM »
Not me--Not guilty  ::whistle:: ::whistle:: found this in my archives:

My friends are fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be something akin to, "hey y'all, hold my martooni and watch this!" Well, I have outdone myself once again. No doubt you will see this true story chronicled in a Lifetime movie in the near future. Here goes.

Last weekend I spied something at the local Pistol and Pawn that tickled my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled for a guy) . I had gone into the Market to pick up some milk yesterday and I bought a super ball in the checkout line--50 cents. What a bargain! It tickled my fancy--still does. That thing bounces soooooo high, and it has provided me with hours of entertainment. It just doesn't get any better than that, now does it? I'm so easily distracted. That dang super ball is so much fun.

So what were we talking about? Oh yeah, I bought something really cool at the Pistol and Pawn last Saturday. The occasion was my 44th birthday and I was looking for a little something extra cool. What I came across was a 100,000 volt, pocket/purse sized Tazer gun with a clip.

For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle eyed, muscle twitching, whimpering, pencil neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly missing out--way too cool!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin' directions), I found, much to my chagrin, that this particular model would not create an arc between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arc of electricity, and a loud pop!!! Yipeeeeee . . . I'm easily amused.:)~

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, etc., etc. There I sat in my recliner, my kitty Stevie looking on intently (trusting little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not Stevie), and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping Stevie for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet kitty, after all. But, if I was going to use this thing to protect myself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA a batteries) thinking to myself, "no f**kin way!" F**k way--trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed. I'm sitting there alone, Stevie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it daddy," reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?). I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it. (Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight--always 20/20. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?) I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and Holy Sh**! DAMN!!!

I'm pretty sure that Jesse Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. Stevie was standing over me making whimpering sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again daddy, do it again!" (Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like yours truly.)

SON-OF-A-B**** that hurt!!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. +/- an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure. By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm offering a reward

I know.....I can just see me doing this now.
Life may not be the party we hoped for---but while we're here--we might as well dance..........

airtac

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1757 on: April 29, 2008, 07:18:06 PM »
I"ve seen that story before and I can't help but think it's an exageration (little ole bitty AAA batteries can't do that!)---been toying with the idea of actually trying it just to verify that---however, haven't figured out WHAT or WHO to try it on!!!!!
I'm way to chicken to try it on my self---HMMMMMMMM--wonder if a beerfest at the tanker base might bring out some of the macho guys on the helitac crew ;D
Not gonna try talking one of the gals into doing it----be too embarrassing getting my butt kicked by a girl ::eek::

Offline G-man

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1758 on: April 29, 2008, 08:07:03 PM »
I"ve seen that story before and I can't help but think it's an exageration (little ole bitty AAA batteries can't do that!)---been toying with the idea of actually trying it just to verify that---however, haven't figured out WHAT or WHO to try it on!!!!!
I'm way to chicken to try it on my self---HMMMMMMMM--wonder if a beerfest at the tanker base might bring out some of the macho guys on the helitac crew ;D
Not gonna try talking one of the gals into doing it----be too embarrassing getting my butt kicked by a girl ::eek::

Ya know-- ::thinking:: ::thinking:: I bet S'mom could shame some of her "boys" into trying it.. ::whistle:: ::whistle:: They would be lining up to beat their chests and prove their manhood.. I bet she could even convince them to try it their "boys" ::rofl:: ::rofl::

So here is another one making the orunds right now:

Sir:

I am D. J. Baker and I would appreciate it if you could tell me what it takes to be an F-16 fighter pilot in the USAF. What classes should I take in high school to help the career I want to take later in life?

What could I do to get into the Air Force Academy?

Sincerely,

DJ Baker

*********************************************>
From: Van Wickler, Kenneth, Lt Col, HQ AETC

Anybody in our outfit want to help this poor kid from Cyberspace?

LTC Van Wickler
**********************************************P>
A worldly and jaded C-130 pilot, Major Hunter Mills, rises to the task of answering the young man's letter.
**********************************************P>

Dear DJ,
Obviously, through no fault of your own, your young, impressionable brain has been poisoned by the superfluous, hyped-up, "Top Gun" media portrayal of fighter pilots.

Unfortunately, this portrayal could not be further from the truth. In my experience, I've found most fighter pilots pompous, backstabbing, momma's boys with inferiority complexes, as well as being extremely over-rated aeronautically. However, rather than dash your budding dreams of becoming a USAF pilot, I offer the following alternative:

What you really want to aspire to is the exciting, challenging and rewarding world of TACTICAL AIRLIFT. And this, young DJ, means one thing, the venerable workhorse, the C-130! I can guarantee no fighter pilot can brag that he has led a 12-ship formation down a valley at 300 feet above the ground, with the navigator leading the way and trying to interpret an alternate route to the drop zone, avoiding pop-up threats, and coordinating with AWACS, all while eating a box lunch with the engineer in the back relieving himself and the loadmaster puking in his trash can!

I tell you DJ, TAC Airlift is where it's at! Where else is it legal to throw tanks, HUMV's, and other crap out the back of an airplane, and not even worry about it when the chute doesn't open and it torpedoes the General's staff car! Nowhere else can you land on a 3000 foot dirt strip, kick a bunch of ammo and stuff out on the ramp without stopping, then takeoff again before range control can call to tell you that you've landed on the wrong LZ! And talk about exotic travel; when C-130s go somewhere, they GO somewhere (usually for 3 months, unfortunately). This gives you the opportunity to immerse yourself in the local culture long enough to give the locals a bad taste in their mouths regarding the USAF and Americans in general, not something those C-141 Stratolifter pilots can do from their airport hotel rooms!

As far as recommendations for your course of study, I offer these:

1. Take a lot of math courses. You'll need all the advanced math skills you can muster to enable you to calculate per diem rates around the world, and when trying to split up the crew's bar tab so that the co-pilot really believes he owes 85% of the whole thing and the navigator believes he owes the other 20%.

2. Health sciences are important, too. You will need a thorough knowledge of biology to make those educated guesses of how much longer you can drink beer before the tremendous case of the G.I.'s catches up to you from that meal you ate at the place that had the really good belly dancers in some God-forsaken foreign country whose name you can't even pronounce.

3. Social studies are also beneficial. It is important for a good TAC Airlifter to have the cultural knowledge to be able to ascertain the exact location of the nearest topless bar in any country in the world, then be able to convince the local authorities to release the loadmaster after he offends every sensibility of the local religion and culture.

4. A foreign language is helpful but not required. You will never be able to pronounce the names of the NAVAIDs in France, and it's much easier to ignore them and to go where you want to anyway. As a rule of thumb: waiters and bellhops in France are always called "Pierre", in Spain it's "Hey, Pedro" and in Italy, of course, it's "Mario". These terms of address also serve in other countries interchangeably, depending on the level of suaveness of the addressee.

5. A study of geography is paramount. You will need to know the basic location of all the places you've been when you get back from your TDY and are ready to stick those little pins in that huge world map you've got taped to your living room wall, right next to the giant wooden giraffe statue and beer stein collection.

Well, DJ, I hope this little note inspires you. And by the way, forget about the Academy thing. All TAC Airlifters know that there are waaay too few women and too little alcohol there to provide a well-balanced education. A nice, big state college or the Naval Academy would be a much better choice.

Hunter Mills,

Major USAF
Life may not be the party we hoped for---but while we're here--we might as well dance..........

Offline Oddball

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1759 on: April 29, 2008, 09:09:22 PM »
"Ya know--   I bet S'mom could shame some of her "boys" into trying it..   They would be lining up to beat their chests and prove their manhood.. I bet she could even convince them to try it their "boys" "

how do you think S'Mom gets them on/off her Twotter!!  ::rofl:: ::rofl::
"You can teach monkeys to fly better than that!"and "spring chicken to sh**e hawk in one easy lesson"

Offline FlyboyGil

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1760 on: April 29, 2008, 10:55:19 PM »
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.
 
Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."
 
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.
 
"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."
IF YOU CAN'T SAY ANYTHING NICE, YOU'RE PROBABLY AT THE ICE CAPADES

Offline FlyboyGil

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1761 on: April 29, 2008, 11:03:39 PM »
A doctor at an (insane) asylum decided to take his inmates to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well.

As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up nuts!"

And the inmates complied by standing up. After the anthem he yelled, "Down nuts!" And they all sat.

After a home run he yelled, "Cheer nuts!" And they all broke into applause and cheers.

Thinking things were going very well, he decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge.

When he returned there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, he asked what happened.

The assistant replied, "Well... everything was fine until some guy walked by and yelled, 'PEANUTS!'"
IF YOU CAN'T SAY ANYTHING NICE, YOU'RE PROBABLY AT THE ICE CAPADES

Offline Rooster Cruiser

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1762 on: April 30, 2008, 11:43:04 AM »
 New Corvette


A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership.

Taking off down the road he accelerated to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

'Amazing,' he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the Highway Patrol behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He accelerated to 100 mph, then 110, then 120.

Suddenly he thought, 'What am I doing? I'm too old for this,' and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, 'Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go.

The old gentleman paused, then said, 'Years ago, my wife ran off with a trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.'

'Have a good day, Sir,' replied the trooper.
"Me and Earl was haulin' chickens / On a flatbed outta Wiggins..."

Wolf Creek Pass, by CW McCall

Offline TheSoccerMom

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1763 on: April 30, 2008, 09:56:27 PM »
"Ya know--   I bet S'mom could shame some of her "boys" into trying it..   They would be lining up to beat their chests and prove their manhood.. I bet she could even convince them to try it their "boys" "

how do you think S'Mom gets them on/off her Twotter!!  ::rofl:: ::rofl::

Man, you guys are trying to get me in TROUBLE!  NO WAY!   :D
Don't make me come back there!!!!

Offline G-man

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1764 on: April 30, 2008, 11:31:48 PM »

"Ya know--   I bet S'mom could shame some of her "boys" into trying it..   They would be lining up to beat their chests and prove their manhood.. I bet she could even convince them to try it on their "boys" "

Man, you guys are trying to get me in TROUBLE!  NO WAY!   :D

Ahhhh C'mon Mom, where is your sense of adventure--I can just see the headlines on CNN--"Testicular Tazer Strikes Again"  ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl::
Life may not be the party we hoped for---but while we're here--we might as well dance..........

Offline G-man

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1765 on: May 01, 2008, 10:48:15 PM »
Results of a recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex .  ;D

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex.

* This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone , and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex.

* This is when you have been with your partner for a short time , and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex.

* This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine , and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex

* This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say 'screw you.'

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex .

* Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex.

* This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And; Last, but not least,

The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex.

* You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy yourself.

PLEASE DO NOT REPLY TO TELL ME WHAT STAGE YOU ARE IN.

I have enough problems of my own.
Life may not be the party we hoped for---but while we're here--we might as well dance..........

airtac

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1766 on: May 01, 2008, 11:57:07 PM »
Gee, that pretty much categorizes me--------------------------- :-[ :'(

Offline PiperGirl

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1767 on: May 02, 2008, 07:33:37 PM »
Not sure if this has been posted before... But I'm blond so I can post it  ;D ;D ;D ;D

A blonde went to a flight school insisting she wanted to learn to fly that day. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her on how to pilot the helicopter solo by radio.

He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics, and sent her on her way.

After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this."

After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was becoming to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in.

A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage. When he asked what happened, she said: "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can't remember anything after I turned off the big fan..."
No guilt in life, no fear in death /This is the power of Christ in me /From life’s first cry to final breath /Jesus commands my destiny~ Newsboys "In Christ Alone"

Offline AirScorp

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1768 on: May 03, 2008, 02:12:26 AM »
 ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl::
It's all Greek to me!

Offline Mike

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1769 on: May 03, 2008, 07:21:15 AM »
guys, check this out!

Elmo towards the end is AWESOME!!   ::rofl:: ::rofl::

*warning, includes censored material*

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-DDcUsKbmVY&NR=1


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