Author Topic: Humor....I need Humor!  (Read 1391275 times)

Offline Rooster Cruiser

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1410 on: November 22, 2007, 03:35:47 AM »
Forgive me if this has been posted before, but I had to share it!

 ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl::

Quote
Promiscuity in China

 

An American tourist goes on a trip to China . While in China , he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time.

 

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple bumps.

 

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like it, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days.

 

The man returns in a couple of days and the doctor says: 'I've got bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it'.

 

The man looks a little perplexed and says: 'Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc'. The doctor answers: 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure.

 

We're going to have to amputate your penis'. The man screams ! In horror, 'Absolutely not! I want a second opinion'.

 

The doctor replies: 'Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice'.

 

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease.

 

The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: 'Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely lare disease'.

 

The guy says to the doctor: 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that!, but what we can do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis?'

 

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: 'Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money, that way. No need to opelate!'

 

'Oh, Thank God!', the man replies.

 

'Yes', says the Chinese doctor, 'You   no worry! Wait two weeks, fall off by itself! You save money.'
"Me and Earl was haulin' chickens / On a flatbed outta Wiggins..."

Wolf Creek Pass, by CW McCall

Offline Rooster Cruiser

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1411 on: November 22, 2007, 03:41:19 AM »
Finally!  An answer to the question we have all asked at one time or another...   ::whistle:: ::whistle:: ::whistle:: ::whistle:: ::whistle::
"Me and Earl was haulin' chickens / On a flatbed outta Wiggins..."

Wolf Creek Pass, by CW McCall

Offline Rooster Cruiser

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1412 on: November 22, 2007, 03:42:58 AM »
The Light at the end of the Tunnel!!!
"Me and Earl was haulin' chickens / On a flatbed outta Wiggins..."

Wolf Creek Pass, by CW McCall

airtac

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1413 on: November 22, 2007, 06:13:47 AM »
You're a veeeery strange person RC  :P

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1414 on: November 22, 2007, 06:30:16 AM »
You're a veeeery strange person RC  :P

I'll take that as a compliment, Jim!  <EG>   >:D ;D |:)\
"Me and Earl was haulin' chickens / On a flatbed outta Wiggins..."

Wolf Creek Pass, by CW McCall

airtac

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1415 on: November 22, 2007, 07:23:36 AM »
You're a veeeery strange person RC  :P

I'll take that as a compliment, Jim!  <EG>   >:D ;D |:)\
|:)\ |:)\ |:)\ |:)\ |:)\ |:)\ |:)\ |:)\ |:)\ |:)\ |:)\ |:)\ |:)\ |:)\ |:)\ |:)\ ::eek:: ::eek:: ::eek::

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1416 on: November 23, 2007, 01:20:56 AM »
This Year's First Christmas Joke


 

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

 

"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said,"You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

 

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.

 

"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.

 

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."

 

Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".

 

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

 

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

 

The man replied, "These are Carols."

 

 

And So The Christmas Season Begins...
"Me and Earl was haulin' chickens / On a flatbed outta Wiggins..."

Wolf Creek Pass, by CW McCall

Offline Frank N. O.

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1417 on: November 23, 2007, 02:07:12 AM »
Not sure if this is the right place to post this but I just saw this in the danish pilot's forum, the poster who's listed as living in USA said he got it from his US pilot colleagues:
Quote
We Knew This Was Going To Happen: iPhone Equipped Passenger Takes On Flight Crew Over Weather

One of our subscribers sent me this story today. We all knew this one was inevitable when the latest iPhone commercial rolled out -- now didnt we?
"Oh joy! I can't wait for the next ground delay or long taxi due to weather somewhere to get a smart ass with a freakin I-phone shoving it in my face saying "It's NOT raining there... SEE !" Too late ... already happened to me. We push back, get advised of a ground stop in MEM due to storms in the area. Go to the penalty box and wait. My Captain does the lecture over the PA... not one minute later, we get dinged from the F/A "Some guy with an IPhone says the weather is good, and wants to know what the real reason is for the delay. Is something wrong with the plane?"

I want to tell this clown what he can do with his IdiotPhone - but the Captain does it even better. He gets on the PA and makes the following announcement :

"If the passenger with the IPhone would be kind enough to use it to check the weather at our alternate, calculate our fuel burn due to being rerouted around the storms, call the dispatcher to arrange our release, and then make a phone call to the nearest Air Traffic Control center to arrange our timely departure amongst the other aircraft carrying passengers with IPhones, then we will be more than happy to depart. Please ring your call button to advise the Flight Attendant and your fellow passengers when you deem it ready and responsible for this multi-million dollar aircraft and its passengers to safely leave."

Needless to say, the pax was pretty embarrassed. The F/A later told us the rest of the plane was outright laughing at this dude. What a clown."
Frank
"When once you have tasted flight, you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been, and there you will always long to return."
Leonardo da Vinci

Offline Rooster Cruiser

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1418 on: November 23, 2007, 02:53:24 AM »
I just received that in an email about a week or two ago.  Sounds believable to me!   ::rambo:: ::rambo:: ::rambo::
"Me and Earl was haulin' chickens / On a flatbed outta Wiggins..."

Wolf Creek Pass, by CW McCall

Offline FlyboyGil

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1419 on: November 23, 2007, 05:41:09 PM »
A man approached a very beautiful woman in a large super market and said.

"You know I have lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you please talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

"How is that going to help you to find out your wife ?" asked the woman.

"Well," replied the man, "every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere!"
IF YOU CAN'T SAY ANYTHING NICE, YOU'RE PROBABLY AT THE ICE CAPADES

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1420 on: November 24, 2007, 03:45:14 AM »
Whores and Hockey Players

A man in a Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce. The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce. The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.


Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some A-hole wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.




Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"

"Canada, sir," the boy replied.




"Well, why did you leave Canada ?" the manager asked.




The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there."

"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada."



"No $hit?" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"
"Me and Earl was haulin' chickens / On a flatbed outta Wiggins..."

Wolf Creek Pass, by CW McCall

Offline Rooster Cruiser

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1421 on: November 24, 2007, 03:46:22 AM »
A Sign Of Change

       There were two old men sitting on a park bench passing the day away
talking. One old man asked the other, "How is your wife?"

       The second old guy replied, "I think she may be dead!"

       The first man asked, "What do you mean you THINK she is dead?"

       The second explained, "Well...the sex is the same but the dishes are
starting to pile up."
"Me and Earl was haulin' chickens / On a flatbed outta Wiggins..."

Wolf Creek Pass, by CW McCall

Offline FlyboyGil

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1422 on: November 26, 2007, 12:34:38 AM »
 On the first day God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give you back the other ten." So God agreed.

On the second day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?" And God agreed.


On the third day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years."


The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty and I'll give back the other forty." And God agreed again.


On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. I'll give you twenty years."

Man said, "What? Only twenty years! Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back and the ten the monkey gave back and the ten the dog gave back, that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You've got a deal."

So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy ourselves; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.
IF YOU CAN'T SAY ANYTHING NICE, YOU'RE PROBABLY AT THE ICE CAPADES

airtac

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1423 on: November 26, 2007, 05:43:36 AM »
OH MAN ::eek:: That explains the irresistible urge to make goofy faces at kids----scary ::rofl::

Offline Frank N. O.

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1424 on: November 27, 2007, 01:06:32 PM »
Oh Gilligan that was too funny!  ::rofl::

Frank
"When once you have tasted flight, you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been, and there you will always long to return."
Leonardo da Vinci