Author Topic: Humor....I need Humor!  (Read 1403895 times)

Offline Jean Loup

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2325 on: February 10, 2011, 08:49:01 PM »
A fighter pilot goes to a bar after a good days flying. Whilst there he meets a young, attractive and available lady. She is charmed by his tales of aerial combat, high speed flight, and death defying feats. The inevitable happens and they slip away to somewhere more comfortable for an evenings intimate entertainment.

Much later that night the pilot drives home to his long suffering wife. On the way he puts on his oxygen mask and draws the straps up as tight as they will go. When he gets home he removes the mask and bravely enters the house. Immediately he tells the wife exactly and honestly what he has been up to that evening.

She replies: “Do not lie to me, I can see you have been flying that damned airplane yet again”.


this is great!! thanks for posting the tip!   ::wave:: ::rofl:: ::rofl::
Correction  ::wave::

Offline Plthijnx

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2326 on: February 22, 2011, 09:26:34 AM »
A new Middle East crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'. A spokesman for the channel said. "A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do".
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown

Offline FlyboyGil

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2327 on: March 06, 2011, 04:43:35 PM »
Blondes Explaining Easter

This could be the ultimate blonde joke

Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter represented.

The first blonde, an American, said "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey."

St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and wouldn't let her in.

The second blonde, a Brit, said "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus's birth and exchange gifts."
St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he wouldn't let her in either.

The third blonde, a Canadian, said she knew what Easter was, and St.Peter said, "So, tell me."
She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with his disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him. The Romans hung him on the cross and eventually he died. Then they buried him in a tomb behind a very large boulder ... "

St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good."

Then the blonde continued, "Now, every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of hockey."

St. Peter fainted.


P.S. This is my 1500th post!!  ::drinking:: ::drinking::
IF YOU CAN'T SAY ANYTHING NICE, YOU'RE PROBABLY AT THE ICE CAPADES

Offline Rooster Cruiser

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2328 on: March 06, 2011, 09:04:15 PM »
For  all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection  for the way
computers have enhanced our lives, read  on...

At  a recent computer expo (COMDEX) Bill  Gates reportedly compared the
computer industry with  the auto industry and stated, 'If GM had kept up
with  technology like the computer industry has, we would  all be driving
$25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the  gallon.'

In  response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a  press release
stating:

If  GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would  all be driving
cars with the following characteristics  (and I just love this part ):

1. For no  reason whatsoever, your car would  crash........twice  a day.

2. Every time they repainted the  lines in the road, you would have to buy a
new  car.

3.  Occasionally your car would die on the motorway for no  reason. You
would have to pull to the side of the  road, close all of the windows, shut
off the car,  restart it, and reopen the windows before you could  continue.
For some reason you would simply accept  this..

4. Occasionally, executing a  maneuver such as a left turn would cause your
car to  shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you  would have to
reinstall the  engine.

5.  Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the  sun, was reliable,
five times as fast and twice as  easy to drive - but would run on only five
per cent of  the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature,  and alternator warning lights would all be
replaced by  a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation'  warning
light.

I  love the next one!!!

7.  The airbag system would ask, 'Are you sure?' before  deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason  whatsoever, your car would lock you out and
refuse to  let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door  handle,
turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio  antenna.

9.  Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would  have to learn how
to drive all over again because none  of the controls would operate in the
same manner as  the old car.

10. You'd have to press the  'Start' button to turn the engine  off

PS  - when all else fails, you could call 'customer  service' in some
foreign country and be instructed in  some foreign language how to fix your
car  yourself!!!!
"Me and Earl was haulin' chickens / On a flatbed outta Wiggins..."

Wolf Creek Pass, by CW McCall

Offline G-man

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2329 on: March 07, 2011, 12:40:52 AM »
A Tale of Two Prawns
Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea, one called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.

Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted." Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed (as it invariably does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn. He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail (the punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse). Looking around the Gathering at the reef he realised he couldn't see his old pal.

"Where's Christian?" he asked.

"He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark," came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, He set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted: "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."

Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."

Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed........."







(You're going to love this.....)





















"I found Cod.....I'm a Prawn again Christian."
Life may not be the party we hoped for---but while we're here--we might as well dance..........

Offline G-man

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2330 on: March 09, 2011, 04:52:09 PM »
An Aussie poem:

Goodbye Granddad

Poor old Granddad's passed away, cut off in his prime,

He never had a day off crook - gone before his time,

We found him in the dunny, collapsed there on the seat,

A startled look upon his face, his trousers around his feet,

The doctor said his heart was good - fit as any trout,

The Constable he had his say, 'foul play' was not ruled out.

There were theories at the inquest of snakebite without trace,
Of redbacks quietly creeping and death from outer space,

No-one had a clue at all - the judge was in some doubt,

When Dad was called to have his say as to how it came about,

'I reckon I can clear it up,' said Dad with trembling breath,

'You see it's quite a story - but it could explain his death.'

'This here exploration mob had been looking at our soil,

And they reckoned that our farm was just the place to look for oil.

So they came and put a bore down and said they'd make some trials,

They drilled a hole as deep as hell, they said about three miles!

Well, they never found a trace of oil and off they went, post haste.

But I couldn't see a hole like that go to flamin' waste,

So I moved the dunny over it - a real smart move I thought -

I'd never have to dig again - I'd never be 'caught short'.

The day I moved the dunny, it looked a proper sight,

But I didn't dream poor Granddad would pass away that night,

Now I reckon what has happened - poor Granddad didn't know,

The dunny was re-located when that night he had to go.

And you'll probably be wondering how poor Granddad did his dash--

Well, he always used to hold his breath

Until he heard the splash!!

Footnote: Maybe needs to be more than 3 miles deep - he only had to hold his breath for 31.2 seconds for the crap to get to the bottom + 14.1 seconds for some kind of sound to return! Aside from that---cool poem.
Life may not be the party we hoped for---but while we're here--we might as well dance..........

Offline Oddball

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2331 on: March 12, 2011, 11:47:40 PM »
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD? ATTEMPT TWO!

F-111 Chicken:
Crosses the eight-lane highway both ways!
F/A-18E Chicken:
Crosses the road ahead of schedule and with less cost than expected
TSR.2 Chicken:
It tried hard to cross the road, but got beheaded before getting to the kerb
A-10 Chicken:
Tough enough to cross the road even when cars are about!
Rafale Chicken:
You see different colored feathers while it crosses, but cook it and it still tastes like… chicken.
F-15E Chicken:
Crosses the road fast, low, and very accurately, and wards off any cars that might want to knock it down.
F-16 Chicken:
Small, light, and agile, but seldom has enough fuel to reach the other side.
F-4 Chicken:
Getting elderly, but still in top form to take on tomorrows roads. Very ugly, but very effective.
Foxbat Chicken:
Crosses so fast it gets a speeding ticket!
E-3A Chicken:
Looks left, right, forward, back, up, down and all around, then directs all the other Chickens as to where is the safest place to cross.
F-117 Chicken:
Only crosses the road at night…
B-47 Chicken:
Tried to run, but got flattened by the B-52 Chicken
B-52 Chicken:
A rather elderly Chicken that crosses the road with noise, smoke, and a huge load, but can easily be knocked over by a car before it gets to the other side.
B-2 Chicken:
Nobody really knows…
SR-71 Chicken:
Can’t lay eggs, but if run on the correct JP-7 fodder can reach high enough speed to outrun any preying foxes, and can flap high enough to escape the clutches of their paws. Easily discernable by piping hot black feathers.
Stits SkyBaby Chicken:
Can’t cluck, and can’t lay eggs, but you can carry it across the road in your pocket
X-15 Chicken:
Crosses faster than any other chicken, but if you don’t dip it in liquid nitrogen first, it arrives on the other side fully cooked.
"You can teach monkeys to fly better than that!"and "spring chicken to sh**e hawk in one easy lesson"

Offline Oddball

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2332 on: March 12, 2011, 11:51:39 PM »
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD? (First Attempt)

USAF reactions to this event follow:

Air Education and Training Command:
The purpose is to familiarize the chicken with road-crossing procedures. Road-crossing should be performed only between the hours of sunset and sunrise. Solo chickens must have at least three miles of visibility and a safety observer.

Special Ops:
The chicken crossed at a 90 degree angle to avoid prolonged exposure to a line of communication. To achieve maximum surprise, the chicken should have performed this maneuver at night using NVG’s, preferably near a road bend in a valley.

Air Combat Command:
The chicken should log this as a GCC sortie only if road-crossing qualified. The crossing updates the chicken’s 60-day road-crossing currency only if performed on a Monday or Thursday or during a full moon. Instructor chickens may update currency any time they observe another chicken cross the road.

Tanker Airlift Control Center:
We need the road-crossing time and the time the chicken becomes available for another crossing.

Command Post:
What chicken?

Tower:
The chicken was instructed to hold short of the road. This road-incursion incident was reported in a Hazardous Chicken Road-Crossing Report (HCRCR). Please re-emphasize that chickens are required to read back all hold short instructions.

C-130 crewmember:
Just put it in back and let’s go.

C-141 crewmember:
I ordered a no. 4 with Turkey and ham, NOT chicken. Besides, where the heck are my condiments?! We ain’t taking off til’ I get my condiments!!!

Fighter dude:
Look, dude, that was the frag, OK? I’ve flown my 1.0 for the day and I ain’t got time for anymore questions!

B-1 crew:
Missed the whole show–we had an IFE so we couldn’t get out to see it; you’ll have to ask the SOF.

Air Force Personnel Center:
Due to the needs of the Air Force, the chicken was involuntarily reassigned to the other side of the road. This will be a 3-year controlled tour and we promise to give the chicken a good-deal assignment afterwards. Every chicken will be required to do one road-crossing during its career, and this will not affect its opportunities for future promotion.

John Warden:
The chicken used its unique ability to operate in 2 dimensions to bypass the less important strategic rings on this side of the road and strike directly into the heart of the enemy, thereby destroying the will of the enemy to fight and thus ending the conflict on terms favorable to the chicken.

Congress:
The chicken will do anything to get the C-17 and the F-22.
"You can teach monkeys to fly better than that!"and "spring chicken to sh**e hawk in one easy lesson"

Offline Mike

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2333 on: March 15, 2011, 01:52:51 AM »
This is awesome ! !    ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::drinking::


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Offline Oddball

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2334 on: March 18, 2011, 04:32:09 PM »
Perils of Road Testing:


Staffer Lance Holst recently set a record by claiming the largest confirmed road kill ever recorded during _Motorcyclist_ testing. In fact, due to the size of the bird and the circumstances surrounding its demise, Holst was required to submit to interrogation by the FAA, as well as the NTSB, AAA, the National Audubon Society and the Guinness Book of Records. We quote the official FAA report.
“During a routine evaluation session at _Motorcyclist’s_ desert test complex, staffer Holst was traveling at a necessarily elevated rate of speed whilst quantifying dynamic stability criteria of a test unit. Operating under Visual Riding Rules, Holst sighted an unauthorized buzzard on the road surface ahead, eating an unidentified dead thing (UDT). Apparently distracted by a particularly recalcitrant piece of viscera, said buzzard failed to initiate its take-off roll expeditiously and was still in the early phases of a full-power climb-out when Holst (traveling at approximately 200 ft./sec.) realized a collision was imminent. Holst’s helmet contacted the buzzard just aft of the right wing root, resulting in instantaneous and catastrophic failure of the bird’s flight-control system. Staffer Holst blacked out momentarily immediately after impact but maintained control of his vehicle. Later examination of his Kiwi helmet revealed substantial damage to its energy- absorbing liner, indicating the severity of the impact.

“Eyewitness accounts of the incident indicate the buzzard was not developing power after the initial collision and traveled in a ballistic arc of substantial height, eventually impacting the ground in a steep nose-down attitude. There was no fire after impact. The bird was not transponder equipped and had not filed a flight plan.

“CAUSE OF ACCIDENT: BUZZARD ERROR”

Taken from the Last Page, Motorcyclist, September 1991.The article is accompanied by a photo of a bike in the background. In the foreground we have a man in leathers w/ helmet holding a large bird from one wingtip. The wingspan is roughly as wide as he is tall…
"You can teach monkeys to fly better than that!"and "spring chicken to sh**e hawk in one easy lesson"

Offline Jean Loup

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2335 on: March 22, 2011, 05:15:33 PM »
 ::thinking:: If it doesn't go in, don't force it!  ::sulk::

Offline FlyboyGil

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2336 on: March 25, 2011, 11:24:51 PM »
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $5 million.
His bookkeeper, a guy called Guido, is deaf and that was the reason he got the job in the
first place.It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in
any court, if it came to that.
 
When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $5 million, he takes along
his lawyer who knows sign language.
 
The Godfather tells the lawyer; "Ask him where's the money.”
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido; "Where's the money ?"
Guido signs back; "I don't know what you’re talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather; "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a gun, puts it to Guido's temple and says; "Ask him again !"
The lawyer signs to Guido; "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Guido signs back, "Ok ok ! You win !! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind
the shed at my cousin Bruno's house in the Bronx.."
The Godfather asks the lawyer; "What did he say ?"
The lawyer replies, " He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger….."


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Offline Mike

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2337 on: April 05, 2011, 08:45:04 PM »
West Virginia 

FARM KID in Marines (NOW AT  San Diego MARINE CORPS RECRUIT TRAINING)



Dear Ma and Pa,

I Am well.  Hope you are.  Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man  Minch  by a mile.  Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I Was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m.  But I am getting so I like to sleep late.  Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things.  No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay.  Practically nothing.

Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.
Breakfast Is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee.  Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again.  It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us up.  If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him
different.  A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home.  Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The Sergeant is like a school teacher.  He nags a lot.  The Captain is like the school board.  Majors and colonels just ride around and frown.  They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing.  I keep getting medals for shooting.  I don't know why.  The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home.  All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it.  You don't even load your own cartridges.  They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training.  You get to wrestle with them city boys.  I have to be real careful though, they break real easy.  It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home.  I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake .  I only beat him once.  He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6' and 130 pounds and he's 6'8' and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.


Your Loving daughter,

Alice

 

 


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Offline Turbomallard

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2338 on: April 12, 2011, 08:17:30 PM »
Yikes! Now I know how Chuck feels when he goes to the grocery store...

TM
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Offline Mike

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2339 on: April 13, 2011, 09:01:37 PM »
RAY and TURBO ! ! !
Is that you?!?!

Oh no!

...I'm gonna be sick . . .  ::silly:: ::sweat:: ::sick::


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