Author Topic: Humor....I need Humor!  (Read 1391254 times)

Offline Stef

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #135 on: March 04, 2006, 10:01:13 AM »
Here's one that might be rather old. But it's probably my most favourite sexist joke!  :)

God had just created paradise and Adam. At first Adam was enjoying this place very much, but eventually he got bored of being alone, so he went to god and asked if he couldn't create something for him to help him pass the time.
And God said: "Why sure! I have something great for you! It's called 'woman', my newest invention, but it isn't cheap".
Adam: "Hm sounds nice! Tell me more about it!"
God: "Well, it's another human being, almost like you, but slightly different. She would be a great companion for you. She would admire you and love you, she would tend to your every needs, be a great cook, and not only look extremely hot and be naughty in bed, but also be truly faithful to you!"
Adam: "WOW!!! That sounds great! How much would this cost?"
God: "An arm and a leg."
Adam (hesitating): "Oh... and what would I get for, let's say, a rib?"
 ;D ;D

Offline Plthijnx

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #136 on: March 07, 2006, 05:57:47 PM »
A blonde was speeding in a 35 mile per hour zone when a local police cruiser pulled her over and the officer walked up to the car. The female Police officer also happened to be a blonde and she asked for the blonde's driver's license.

The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman "What does a driver's license look like?"

Irritated, the blonde cop said "It's got your picture on it!" The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small rectangular mirror down at the bottom.

She held it up to her face and said, "Aha! This must be my driver's license" and handed it to the blonde policewoman.

The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said, "You're free to go. And, if I had known you were a police officer too, we could have avoided all this hassle."
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown

Offline Plthijnx

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #137 on: March 07, 2006, 05:58:54 PM »
How To Clean A Toilet, The "FUN" Way ...



1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely,

The Dog
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown

Offline Gulfstream Driver

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #138 on: March 08, 2006, 12:01:47 AM »
God had just finished creating the universe and everything in it, and had two things left in his "Universe Creation Bag." 

He goes to Adam and Eve and says, "I have two things left that I haven't distributed, and I think you would like them.  The first is the ability to pee standing up..."

"Ooh, ooh, I want that!  I'd really like that!  Can I please have that?", shouts Adam.

"Sure", says God, and Adam runs all over the garden, peeing on everything. 

"What's left?", asks Eve.

"Multiple orgasms."
Behind every great man, there is a woman rolling her eyes.  --Bruce Almighty

Offline Firegirl

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #139 on: March 08, 2006, 12:33:22 AM »
Funny!
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet you could shoot beer out of you nose.  --- Jack Handy

Offline Mike

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #140 on: March 08, 2006, 03:05:22 AM »
HA HA, funny.

Hey, I just realized something G-Driver! ???

Shouldn't your avatar be a Gulfstream??? . . . I mean, . . . well. . . you know....


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Offline Gulfstream Driver

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #141 on: March 08, 2006, 07:00:18 AM »
I thought it'd be cool if I had a pic that I took.  Haven't had a camera in hand when I've been around Gulfstreams.  I was in Park Rapids when two of 3M's G3's came in.  That was pretty cool, but, alas, no camera. 
Behind every great man, there is a woman rolling her eyes.  --Bruce Almighty

Offline Plthijnx

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #142 on: March 08, 2006, 01:56:08 PM »
The dog's diary:

7 am - Oh boy! A walk! My favorite!

8 am- Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!

9 am- Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!

Noon- Oh boy! The yard! My favorite!

2 pm- Oh boy! A car ride! My favorite!

3 pm- Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!

4 pm- Oh boy! Playing ball! My favorite!

6 pm- Oh boy! Welcome home Mom! My favorite!

7 pm- Oh boy! Welcome home Dad! My favorite!

8 pm- Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!

9 pm- Oh boy! Tummy rubs on the couch! My favorite!

11 pm- Oh boy! Sleeping in my people's bed! My favorite!


The cat's diary:

Day 183 of my captivity...

My captors continued to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from clawing the furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another house plant.

Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded. Maybe I should try this at the top of the stairs.

In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair - must try this on their bed.

Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little kitty cat I was. This is not working according to plan.

There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary confinement throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More important, I overheard that my confinement was due to my powers of inducing something called "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit.

The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant. He speaks with them regularly, and I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait.

It's only a matter of time.
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown

Offline MO

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #143 on: March 08, 2006, 02:08:10 PM »

Geeesh... Thanks Jinx! I certainly look at my cat under a different light now...

(Good one, by the way!)

Saludos!

Offline chuckar101

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #144 on: March 08, 2006, 07:01:01 PM »
Thats why the cats stay outside and the dogs are allowed inside.
WOW I did that!

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #145 on: March 09, 2006, 02:48:28 PM »
Thats why the cats stay outside and the dogs are allowed inside.

YA THINK!   :P

Animals in this house aren't allowed anything---they believe they are entitled!

I share my bed with a tall brunette, an old cat who thinks she owns the bed, and 2 Jack Russells who take up more room than a pony.
Occasionally, someone gets pushed off the bed and it's usually me.
If they made a bed larger than King Size, I'd buy one.

Offline chuckar101

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #146 on: March 09, 2006, 09:45:39 PM »
Yeah I have the same problem except its a twin size and all there is, is me and a fat Brittny Spaniel.
WOW I did that!

Offline Ted_Stryker

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #147 on: March 09, 2006, 10:50:16 PM »
From our Boeing - Take Your Kid to Work Day event  ;D
We're going to have to come in pretty low!  It's just one of those things you have to do... when you land!  -- Ted Striker - Airplane!

Offline Gulfstream Driver

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #148 on: March 10, 2006, 04:54:40 AM »
Animals in this house aren't allowed anything---they believe they are entitled!

I know people you could say that about, too.
Behind every great man, there is a woman rolling her eyes.  --Bruce Almighty

Offline Mike

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #149 on: March 10, 2006, 05:20:56 AM »
HA HA!
That's a great one Ted!

Makes me wonder what you guys do there at work....


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