Humor....I need Humor!

[Rooster Cruiser]

old one but...

Anyone know the difference between an electric toy train and a women breast?













There's none, both are intented to be used by kids but most of the time, daddy is the one playing with them.

HEAR HEAR!!!   

But you forgot to mention daddy's      while he's playing with either!   

[Rooster Cruiser]

These make quite a fashion statement while looting through flooded-out neighborhoods...   

[TheSoccerMom]

Haaaa!!!!   

Wow, those are NICE.  Reminds me of the smartass remark I got the other night, while stretching up on my tiptoes, to stuff the engine plugs in the Minivan...

"Hey!  That'd work a lot better for ya if you wore stiletto heels!!"                  

Yeah, right.........         

 

[Oddball]

aye that will be the new fashion in Dundee just now that got flooded the other day.

[G-man]

Ed Zachary Disease

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese sex therapist Dr. Chang.
So she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room Dr. Chang said "OK take off all your crose". The woman did as she was told. "Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room". Again the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me". So she did.

Dr.Chang shook his head slowly and said "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates". Worried the woman asked anxiously "Oh my God Dr.Chang what is Ed Zachary Disease?"

Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass".

[G-man]

These make quite a fashion statement while looting through flooded-out neighborhoods...   

Those are classic--my house got 26 inches of rain from TS Fay, luckily the house did not flood, however, my yard and driveway are under 12" of water. 

[cotejy]

So there is a software company that organize a bear hunting weekend.

The software programmers looked for informations from other folks that already went bear hunting, they read a lot of documents put there findings together and finally decided together what weapon they will use, which ammunition, they knew how to find traces,...  and the came back with 2 small bears. They were happy considering the fact this was there first time they went outside the city and had never saw a bear before.

The senior management team voted a special budget, rented an helicopter, bought bazookas and bombs from an illegal alien group.  When they came back, the forest was a desert, they had killed 40 bears and a little collateral damage of 4 peoples that were camping. But they consider this as a victory because they had 20 times more bears then the programmers.

Finally, the vendor came a little late to the hunting. He was drinking for the last 3 days so he didn't had time to prepare. Not a clue what a bear is, no guns, hands in his pockets, he went straight in the forest.  We didn't heard about him for 2 days. Just when everyone were leaving, the vendor came back from the forest. RUNNING for his life with 50 angry bears behind him. He ran behind the project managers and howl: "I brought them now take care of them".
____________________________
Should I had it modify to:
Software programmer: FAA
Manager: Hans
Vendor: Chuck
Project managers: Spark

[Skid Kid]

A recent pop quiz some knucklehead made up while bored here on deployment.

If a Huey and Cobra mech (such as myself) suddenly stands up and yells "The fat chick is mine!" he is either:

A. Recovering or launching aircraft

B. Drunk at a bar

-or-

C. Both A and B are correct

These are the jokes people...
Well, the one's that aren't horribly politically incorrect...
The correct answer is usually C, just in case you were curious...

[FlyboyGil]

CANADIAN JOKE # 1

After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, 'Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona .' The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him..

The guy from Budweiser says, 'I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser.' The bartender gives him one..

The guy from Coors says, 'I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors.' He gets it.

The guy from Molson Canadian sits down and says, 'Give me a Coke.'
The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, 'Why aren't you drinking a Molson's?'

The Molson Canadian president replies, 'Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I.' 

CANADIAN JOKE #2
A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm. His friend Doug stops him and asks, 'Hey Bob! Whacha get the case of beer for?'

'I got it for my wife, eh.' answers Bob.

'Oh!' exclaims Doug, 'Good trade.'

CANADIAN JOKE #3
One day an Englishman, an American, and a Canadian walked into a pub together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Labatt Blue. Just as they were about to enjoy their beverages, three flies landed in each of their pints.

The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust. The American fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing happened. The Canadian picked the fly out of his drink and started shaking it over the pint, yelling, 'SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!'

[Oddball]

I think the Canadian in the third joke must of had a Scottish relative 

[Rooster Cruiser]

Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one
> engaged to be married and one a long-time wife, met for
> drinks after work. The conversation eventually drifted
> towards how best to spice up their sex lives. After much
> discussion, they decided to surprise their men by engaging
> in some S&M role playing. The following week they met up
> again to compare notes.
>
> Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said,
> 'Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my
> boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the
> other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on
> was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He
> was so aroused that we made mad passionate love on his desk
> right then and there!'
>
> The engaged woman giggled and said, 'That's pretty
> much my story! When my fiancé got home last Friday, he
> found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice,
> black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we
> not only messed around all night, he wants to move up our
> wedding date!
>
> The married woman put her glass down and said, 'I did a
> lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay
> over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and
> then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather
> bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch
> stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask. When my
> husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the
> remote,sat down and yelled, 'Hey, Batman, what's for
> dinner?

 

[Rooster Cruiser]

Here is the comeback for the letter to tech support Re: Wife 1.0

Husband 1.0

INSTALLING A HUSBAND

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
?        Romance 9.5 and
?        Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as
?        NBA 5.0,
?        NFL 3.0  and
?         Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

?        Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate.



DEAR DESPERATE,

First, keep in mind,
?        Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
?        Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the  Guilt 3.0 update.
?        If that application works as designed, Husband1.0  should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to  Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.
?        Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program.These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend
?        Cooking 3.0 and
?        Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck Babe!

[G-man]

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

 1. If you are choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.

 2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold while you chop.
 
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the shower.
 
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
 
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
 
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
 
7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
 
8. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
 
Daily Thought: 
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES. NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

[tundra_flier]

What Alaskans want to know if Sara Palin is Elected VP:

1. Will there be a TFR around her house in Wasilla? (there's about a hundred private airstrips in Wasilla)

2. How will the Secret service handle Caribou hunting? (Do they know how to defend against grizzlies?)

3. Will the family Super Cub use the Air Force 2 call sign when she's on board? (will it have to be repainted blue and white?)

4. Will she be taking foreign leaders hunting? (Worked for Teddy, and Tony Blair always looked like a Duck hunter to me)

5. Will she be BBQ'ing moose burgers at state functions? (you don't win allies with salad)

6. Will hockey finally be named the national passtime over baseball?

7. Will salmon replace turkey for the White house Thanksgiving meal?

8. Will the Terrorist prison camp be relocated to Adak island? (you don't want to try excaping from there!)

Now, Lets hear your questions!

Phil

[4X-NTY]

Just bumped in this one,couldn't resist posting it here 



By the way,can anybody confirm what's real and whats not on this page?
http://henic.livejournal.com/947721.html?style=mine#cutid1