Author Topic: Humor....I need Humor!  (Read 1403967 times)

Offline Rooster Cruiser

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1425 on: November 27, 2007, 07:48:32 PM »
HOW TO PROPERLY PRONOUNCE "OKLAHOMA"





There is a right way and a wrong way to pronounce Oklahoma




The proper way is...

"Okla...   homa"

There is a pause between the 'a' and the 'h'.

See the reason below.


















































There!  You learned something today!  Hehe.
« Last Edit: November 27, 2007, 10:48:49 PM by Rooster Cruiser »
"Me and Earl was haulin' chickens / On a flatbed outta Wiggins..."

Wolf Creek Pass, by CW McCall

Offline gibbo_335

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1426 on: November 28, 2007, 01:16:20 AM »
Rules for dating daughters

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of the date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without using a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with one of my little girls, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. You might have heard about her other two sisters, but you will not look. If you make her cry, I make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Forth Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are sofas, beds, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and my old Army Field Jacket - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature power tools are okay. Football games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a middle-aged, gray-headed, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and a half acre behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to drift back a few years to my Army days and mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a hostile vehicle. Whenever I hear engines at night, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the weapons, probably as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Announce the perimeter password, relay in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine
YEWWWwwwwwwwww

Offline Rooster Cruiser

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1427 on: November 28, 2007, 04:46:52 AM »
Gibbo, best advise I can give to a man with daughters is to NEVER ALLOW THE GIRLS TO WEAR SHIRTS THAT SAY "OKLA...  HOMA".  LMAO!!!   ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl::
"Me and Earl was haulin' chickens / On a flatbed outta Wiggins..."

Wolf Creek Pass, by CW McCall

Offline PiperGirl

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1428 on: November 30, 2007, 01:21:39 PM »
Husbands and Wives...


Wife: Honey..... What are You Looking for ?
Husband : Nothing.
Wife : Nothing...?? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour ??
Husband : I was just looking for the expiration date.
 
                 **********   
 
Q - What is the Difference Between Mother & Wife ?
A - One Woman Brings you into this world crying... & the other ensures you continue to do so.   
 
                **********   
 
Wife : Do you want dinner?
Husband : Sure, what are my choices?
Wife : Yes and no.   
 
                 **********   
 
Wife: You always carry my photo in your briefcase to the office.  Why?
Husband: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Husband: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"   
 
                 **********   
 
Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.
Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have any worries or troubles.
Girl: Well that's because we aren't married yet.   
 
                 **********   
 
 
Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap.   
 
               **********   
 
A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"
"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE"   
 
               **********   
 
Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?"
Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."
Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?"
Millionaire: " A Billionaire"   
 
             **********   
 
Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: Thanks for the warning.
 
             **********   
 
A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me my pretty face or my sexy body?"
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humor."

 ::rofl::

No guilt in life, no fear in death /This is the power of Christ in me /From life’s first cry to final breath /Jesus commands my destiny~ Newsboys "In Christ Alone"

Offline Mike

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1429 on: December 01, 2007, 01:00:29 AM »
Here something aviation related:

It's called "BARF-BAGS DON'T WORK AT ZERO G'S"
so you can kind of guess what you'll see. I don't want to hear complaints about the material I posted later.
All you high time guys have experienced similar things I am sure....

http://www.break.com/index/barf-bags-dont-work-at-0-gs.html



PS: If that's their girlfriend back there, I really wonder if they are still together or not . . .  ;) ::)


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Offline Frank N. O.

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1430 on: December 01, 2007, 01:30:06 AM »
I saw that yesterday, poor girl. I just can't help to think that the pilot wasn't that smart, loose cargo, loose passengers, poor girl btw.

Frank
"When once you have tasted flight, you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been, and there you will always long to return."
— Leonardo da Vinci

Offline Rooster Cruiser

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1431 on: December 01, 2007, 02:31:52 AM »
Yeah Mike, I got that in an email a couple days ago.  I sent it back out with the caption, "This is why you should not practice stalls with passengers on board".  Pretty Gross, huh?  The girl on the right looks like she's enjoying it until the smell from the vomit hits her... damn funny how you can see when that happens!
"Me and Earl was haulin' chickens / On a flatbed outta Wiggins..."

Wolf Creek Pass, by CW McCall

Offline FlyboyGil

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1432 on: December 01, 2007, 03:14:46 AM »
See what addiction does to someone?
IF YOU CAN'T SAY ANYTHING NICE, YOU'RE PROBABLY AT THE ICE CAPADES

Offline G-man

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1433 on: December 01, 2007, 03:26:09 AM »
HOW TO PROPERLY PRONOUNCE "OKLAHOMA"
There is a right way and a wrong way to pronounce Oklahoma
"Okla...   homa"


Kinda lik "UG--LY" For those who remember when I was in Nashville with "Lucy".. I erased the badge # to protect the innocent ::whistle:: ::whistle::



Close up:

Life may not be the party we hoped for---but while we're here--we might as well dance..........

Offline Mike

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1434 on: December 01, 2007, 11:41:22 PM »
some things are more fun floating around than puke !!
 ;D

check out his ears!!  ;D

http://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=floating+dog


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Offline Fabo

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1435 on: December 02, 2007, 10:30:30 AM »
Dog is definitely funny. Puke no way. I just f---ing wish it was not the pilots intention...

R/C Well I know that contrast by myself, one one side me enjoying any crazy kind of stuff gey did with us, on the other side plain-white women beating pilots head with barf bag she had ready in case ;D

Though in 250kph in some 10meters rapidly closing in to two 30m trees I was getting ready for impact as well... luckily to find myself in steep climb missing the trees by few meters... well cropdusting pilots showwed his skills :)
"When once you have tasted flight, you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been, and there you will always long to return."

Offline FlyboyGil

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1436 on: December 02, 2007, 04:43:41 PM »
Chuck is this you?

I was having trouble with my computer.
I called Harold the computer guy, to come over. 
Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.
As he was walking away, I called after him, ' So, what was wrong?' 
He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.' 
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheles s inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? 
What's that ... in case I need to fix it again?'

Harold grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?'

'No,' I replied.

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

So I wrote down:   I D 1 0 T

     I used to like Harold
IF YOU CAN'T SAY ANYTHING NICE, YOU'RE PROBABLY AT THE ICE CAPADES

Offline FlyboyGil

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1437 on: December 02, 2007, 04:45:44 PM »
Microsoft Errors
IF YOU CAN'T SAY ANYTHING NICE, YOU'RE PROBABLY AT THE ICE CAPADES

Offline FlyboyGil

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1438 on: December 02, 2007, 04:46:36 PM »
More Microsoft errors
IF YOU CAN'T SAY ANYTHING NICE, YOU'RE PROBABLY AT THE ICE CAPADES

Offline FlyboyGil

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1439 on: December 03, 2007, 01:12:57 AM »
 IT SUPPORT

Dear IT Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the Flower and Jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as: Football 5.0, Rugby 4.3 and Cricket 3.0.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs; it simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, to no avail What can I do?

Signed, Desperate



Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.

Try entering the command: C:/I-THOUGHT-YOU-LOVED-ME to download Tears 6.2, which should automatically install Guilt 3.0. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.

WARNING: Beer 6.1 is a very nasty program that will create Snoring Loudly.

CAUTION: Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law. This is not a supported application and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally would recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck, IT Support
IF YOU CAN'T SAY ANYTHING NICE, YOU'RE PROBABLY AT THE ICE CAPADES