Author Topic: Humor....I need Humor!  (Read 1403871 times)

Offline Ragwing

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2055 on: February 12, 2009, 05:42:51 AM »
Holy Smokes!!!   I'm glad that hasn't happened on the Aeroflot flights I've been on!
Just a few months ago, an Aeroflot flight crashed killing 88 and they found alcohol in the captains body.
You just cannot separate the Russian from the Vodka.

Offline Rooster Cruiser

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2056 on: February 12, 2009, 06:10:09 AM »
Holy Smokes!!!   I'm glad that hasn't happened on the Aeroflot flights I've been on!
Just a few months ago, an Aeroflot flight crashed killing 88 and they found alcohol in the captains body.
You just cannot separate the Russian from the Vodka.

 :o  I don't think I'm going to show this to my wife.  She'd be personally insulted.  Perhaps you mean Russian MEN from the Vodka?   ::thinking::

RC
"Me and Earl was haulin' chickens / On a flatbed outta Wiggins..."

Wolf Creek Pass, by CW McCall

Offline Mike

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2057 on: February 16, 2009, 03:27:17 AM »
Peep-Show for all you chick lovers!!  ;D


Dear IRS: Please cancel my subscription.

Offline gibbo_335

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2058 on: February 16, 2009, 03:53:04 AM »
BAH HA HA HA HA Mike!!!!
 ::) ummm new keyboard pleez this one has coffee all over it  :D
YEWWWwwwwwwwww

Offline G-man

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2059 on: February 17, 2009, 05:13:17 PM »
Why parents should always check their children's homework before they hand it in:


A first grade girl handed in the drawing below for a homework assignment.




After it was graded and the child brought it home, she returned to school the next day with the following note:
 

Dear Ms. Davis,
 
I want to be very clear on my child's illustration.  It is NOT of me on a dance pole on a stage in a strip joint.  I work at Home Depot and had commented to my daughter how much money we made in the recent snowstorm.  This photo is of me selling a shovel.
Life may not be the party we hoped for---but while we're here--we might as well dance..........

Offline Oddball

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2060 on: February 17, 2009, 06:15:42 PM »
Hmm that is one large "shovel".
"You can teach monkeys to fly better than that!"and "spring chicken to sh**e hawk in one easy lesson"

Offline cotejy

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2061 on: February 17, 2009, 10:29:34 PM »
I feel sorry for the father of this kid...

If this man saw the drawing, for sure he start laughing very loud. No question about it. THEN: Kid was crying because her father was laughing at her drawing. Mother came to see what was going on and became angry at her husband for laughing at this... plus, she can't be angry at the kid who is inocent in this case so she focus her anger at the poor man.

And the man slept on the floor with the dog for 3 days. I drink for the poor man, a colateral damage in this situation... ::drinking::

Offline Ragwing

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2062 on: February 18, 2009, 02:33:26 AM »
It looks like you lost your picture.
This will make a lot more sense.




Maybe we should sneak this poster onto the minivan

Offline Rooster Cruiser

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2063 on: February 19, 2009, 07:01:09 AM »
A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, about 2 hours.'
A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut? The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.'
A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut? The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a half.'
The guy left.
The barber turned to a friend and said, 'Hey, Bill, do me a favor.'
Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back.'
A little while later Bill returned to the shop laughing hysterically.
The barber asked, 'So where does that guy go when he leaves?'
Bill looked up, tears in his eyes and said, 'Your house.
"Me and Earl was haulin' chickens / On a flatbed outta Wiggins..."

Wolf Creek Pass, by CW McCall

Offline FlyboyGil

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2064 on: February 24, 2009, 01:59:57 AM »
Important facts

-Food takes 7 seconds to travel from mouth to stomach

-A human hair can support a 6 pound weight

-A man's penis is on average 3 times the size of his thumb

-The hip bone is denser than cement

-A woman's heart beats faster than a man's

-Women blink two times as often as men

-The human body uses 300 muscles just to maintain equilibrium while standing

-If your saliva can't dissolve food, you can't taste it

-Human skin is twice as dense as brain tissue

-Women reading this message finished reading it before the men. The men are still measuring their thumb
IF YOU CAN'T SAY ANYTHING NICE, YOU'RE PROBABLY AT THE ICE CAPADES

Offline TheSoccerMom

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2065 on: February 24, 2009, 03:39:45 AM »
BWAAA HAAAAA, now THAT if funny, Gil!!!!!!!!!!!!

 ::bow::

 ::bow::

 ::wave::

(You always come up with the good ones........  )

 :D
Don't make me come back there!!!!

Offline Oddball

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2066 on: February 24, 2009, 04:49:02 PM »
ok who stole my ruler?
"You can teach monkeys to fly better than that!"and "spring chicken to sh**e hawk in one easy lesson"

Offline FlyboyGil

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2067 on: February 24, 2009, 09:51:28 PM »
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem.  I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say just one thing!"
What do they say?" the priest inquired.

They say,   "Hi, we're hookers!  Do you want to have some fun?"

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed; then he thought for a moment.

"You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem! I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.  Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.  My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying . . . that phrase . . in no time!"

"Thank you," the woman responded,  "this may very well be the solution!"

The next day,  she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.

As he ushered her in,  she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.

Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

There was stunned silence.

Shocked,  one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed,  "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!"
IF YOU CAN'T SAY ANYTHING NICE, YOU'RE PROBABLY AT THE ICE CAPADES

Offline FlyboyGil

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2068 on: March 01, 2009, 10:15:46 PM »
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realise it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'

'Yes, I do.' said Bob

'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'.
 
'She just died and left me everything.'
IF YOU CAN'T SAY ANYTHING NICE, YOU'RE PROBABLY AT THE ICE CAPADES

Offline FlyboyGil

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2069 on: March 05, 2009, 01:24:57 AM »
Dear Tide,

I am writing to say what wonderful product you have! I've used it all my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best.


Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better!

In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck.


One thing led to another and, somehow, I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative and, to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out!

In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my lawyer called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.


What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product.


Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.

IF YOU CAN'T SAY ANYTHING NICE, YOU'RE PROBABLY AT THE ICE CAPADES