Author Topic: Humor....I need Humor!  (Read 1419040 times)

Offline Firegirl

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #75 on: January 25, 2006, 03:56:43 AM »
"Oh my god..........that's why it tastes sooooooo.....?!"
« Last Edit: January 25, 2006, 03:58:14 AM by Firegirl »
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet you could shoot beer out of you nose.  --- Jack Handy

Offline Plthijnx

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #76 on: January 25, 2006, 03:56:57 PM »
Two nuns, Sister Anne and Sister Noreen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.* Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.
"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Noreen. "What shall we do?"
"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Anne.
Sister Noreen switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
"What shall I do now?" she shouts.
"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican," says Sister Anne.
Sister Noreen turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
"Show him your cross," says Sister Anne.
"Now you're talking," says Sister Noreen. She opens the window and shouts, "Get the f*** off our car!!!!!"
« Last Edit: January 25, 2006, 04:26:58 PM by Mike »
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown

Offline Plthijnx

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #77 on: January 25, 2006, 04:01:18 PM »
a blonde a redhead and a brunette (who are all pregnant) are sitting in the gynocologists office and they strike up a conversation about the future sex of their babies... the brunette looks demurely up and says "I'm going to have a Girl because I was on the bottom" the redhead looks at her with a slight sneer and haughtily says "I'm going to have a boy because I was on top!" the blonde looks around in a state of panic looks nervousely around the room and says "OH NO! I'm going to have puppies!"
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown

Offline Plthijnx

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #78 on: January 25, 2006, 04:02:11 PM »
GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1. No matter how hard you try, you can't baptise cats.
2. when your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3. If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4. Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5. You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6. Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7. Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10. The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1. Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2. Wrinkles don't hurt.
3. Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4. Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5. Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6. Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.
« Last Edit: January 25, 2006, 04:03:52 PM by plthijnx »
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown

Offline Plthijnx

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #79 on: January 29, 2006, 08:12:43 PM »
Used to be;
Memory was something you lost with age
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano
A web was a spider's home
A virus was the flu
A CD was a bank account
A hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And if you had a 3 inch floppy. . . you just hoped nobody ever found out!
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown

Offline Mike

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #80 on: January 29, 2006, 08:17:44 PM »
HA HA!! good one :D
The last one is great!!

This here is not really a joke, but I saw this on a fire up North (Idaho or Oregon) on a big helibase
with tons of port-a-potties:

On a Septic Tank Truck:

Yesterday's Meals on Wheels


Dear IRS: Please cancel my subscription.

Offline Plthijnx

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #81 on: January 29, 2006, 08:32:04 PM »
LOL!!! i love it! good one mike!

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The
salesgirl notices him and asks if she can help him. He answers that he
looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs down the correct
aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls on the
counter.

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for tampons for your
wife?"

"You see it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a
carton of cigarettes and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some
rolling paper. So, I figure, if I have to roll my own, so does she!"
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown

Offline Plthijnx

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #82 on: January 29, 2006, 10:25:26 PM »
**Texas Justice**

A big-city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick-Rule."

The lawyer asked, What is the Texas Three-Kick-Rule?."

The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on this belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "OK, you old coot! now, it's my turn." The old farmer smiled and said, "No I give up, you can have the duck."
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown

Offline Plthijnx

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #83 on: January 29, 2006, 10:51:30 PM »
Guy walks by the petshop and sees a sign: Parrot: $20. Wow he thinks, I've always wanted a parrot, this must be my lucky day! He walks in and sees the bird, an enormous brilliant macaw, beautiful plumage [/monty python], looks completely healthy, well behaved. So now that little voice that says "caveat emptor" prompts him to ask the petshop owner to explain why the low low price.

The petshop owner says that he's had a hard time placing the bird because he's and adult and a big one, not a cute little baby to be trained, etc.

The guy asks, "Can he talk?"

"Um, sure" says the petshop owner. Suspicious, like. Finally the petshop owner comes clean and confesses. "Yes, he can talk. But that the bird swears like a sailor, he can make Hells Angels cry, he swears for 10 minutes straight without repeating himself, and no one wants a bird that cusses loudly all the time."

Now the guy is torn. Is this the fatal flaw? Arrrrgh! Well, for $20 he decides to take a chance, they do the deal and the bird goes home with the guy.

A couple of weeks pass and the guy comes back to the petshop for some bird supplies. The owner is pleasantly surprised to see the man and not the bird and asks how things are going.

"Great, great, really great." says the guy.

"No problems with the, um, swearing?" asks the petshop owner.

"Well, at first it was cute and then it kind of got out of hand. So I told the bird that he needed to cool down."

"That worked? Cool down?"

"Yeah, sure. That is one really intelligent bird. Gentle as a lamb now."

Petshop owner deals with animals all the time and knows there's more to the story and when pressed the guy admits it.

"Actually, I put him in the freezer. After a minute or two of a helluva racket, he quieted down. I took him out and all was well after that."

"He stopped talking?!"

"No, he just calmly climbed onto my outstretched arm and said, 'Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on.'"

The petshop owner is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot. so he asks "That's it?"

"Oh no," the guy replies "he did say one more thing: 'By the way, what did that chicken ever do to you?'"
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown

Offline Gulfstream Driver

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #84 on: January 30, 2006, 04:09:15 AM »
Seen in a Biff's company porta-potty on a bike ride:

Dear Big Biff and Litte Biff,

I lost my contact lens.  If found, please call 555-5555

--Blind Biker

Seen in same porta-potty, the next day:

Dear Blind,

We did not find your contact.  However, we did find a pair of dentures, which were returned.
Behind every great man, there is a woman rolling her eyes.  --Bruce Almighty

fireflyr

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #85 on: January 30, 2006, 04:14:02 PM »
HAHAHA---ROFL!!!!!
These are great jokes, I hope I can remember them--at my age I have a problem remembering things, also, at my age, I have a problem remembering things.

Offline Plthijnx

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #86 on: January 31, 2006, 05:12:59 AM »
what were you talking about? i'm sorry, i just forgot that i need another beer! ohh, must be A.D.D. on my part.....wait, i've heard about this thing called schitzophrenia is that the same as dimentia or i forget, alziemers? (sp i know, just roll with the joke...)

just roll with the open season on plthinjx :D
« Last Edit: January 31, 2006, 05:17:07 AM by plthijnx »
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown

Offline Ted_Stryker

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Bearly!!
« Reply #87 on: February 01, 2006, 09:52:14 PM »
A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers." He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bulldog.

"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat.

When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his balls and not let go.

The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."
We're going to have to come in pretty low!  It's just one of those things you have to do... when you land!  -- Ted Striker - Airplane!

Offline Gulfstream Driver

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #88 on: February 02, 2006, 04:59:19 PM »
Sven and Ole are cleaning out the latrine one day (there's no running water in ND), and they look down the hole and see a quarter.  Well, Ole reaches into his wallet, pulls out a $5 bill, and throws it down the hole.

Sven asks, "What're ya doin', Ole!?"

Ole says, "You don't think I'm going down there for a measley quarter, do ya?"
Behind every great man, there is a woman rolling her eyes.  --Bruce Almighty

Offline Plthijnx

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #89 on: February 04, 2006, 04:22:02 PM »
The Bus Trip
Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter
a double-decker bus for a week-end gambling trip to Louisiana. The
Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top
level. The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a
great time, when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the
Blondes upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate. When the Brunette
reached the top, she found all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight
ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.
The brunette asked, "What the heck's going on up here? We're having a great
time downstairs!" One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard
and whispered:
YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown