Author Topic: Humor....I need Humor!  (Read 1369469 times)

Offline switchtech

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #690 on: December 10, 2006, 10:46:01 PM »
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?  (Somebody please explain THIS ONE to me) (I know there's a logical explanation, but it escapes me)

Here's a thought.  Imagine you build ATM machines.  You have the ones that people drive up to, and the ones in the walk up areas.  It's more expensive to make two different keypad types, so you have to design around one, slightly more complex keypad.  And thus you have braille keypads at drive up windows.

Of course, I'm just guessing about this.

So the question becomes, how are they going to make the "touch screen" ATM machines Blind person friendly?

jbs
The sky and land joined for one brief moment, then we flew - the ground a receding memory for just a little while.

Offline Firegirl

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #691 on: December 11, 2006, 01:53:02 AM »

Before they invented the drawing board. . . what did they go back to?
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet you could shoot beer out of you nose. --- Jack Handy

Offline Mike

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #692 on: December 11, 2006, 06:27:55 PM »
If you choke a smurf, which color will it turn?


Dear IRS: Please cancel my subscription.

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #693 on: December 14, 2006, 08:07:32 PM »
And here's one for you aspiring airline jocks       

http://pageperso.aol.fr/marcbrecy/deanmartin.html

Offline happylanding

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #694 on: December 14, 2006, 08:21:56 PM »
the movie is veeeeeery funny! thanks for posting Fireflyr! |:)\

And here, a Jokes...about a blonde and a diet...

An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice.
The doctor advised that she run 10 miles a day for 30 days.
This, he promised, would help her lose as much as twenty pounds.

The blonde follows the doctor's advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she'd indeed lost twenty pounds.

She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results. At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question:

"How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?"
I give that landing a 9 . . . on the Richter scale.

Offline happylanding

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #695 on: December 14, 2006, 08:25:52 PM »
Cover Charge: $15.00
Round of Drinks: $23.00
Table Dance: $30.00
Another Round of Drinks: $23.00
Couch Dance and Tips: $50.00
A Round of Shots: $34.00
Another Round of Drinks: $23.00
Lap Dance and Hand Job: $100.00
Private Dance and Hotel Room: $500.00
Sending her on her way without having to cuddle or listen to her:
..................PRICELESS  ;D ;D ;D
I give that landing a 9 . . . on the Richter scale.

Offline happylanding

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #696 on: December 14, 2006, 08:29:00 PM »
An English teacher was explaining to his students the concept of gender association in the English language.

He stated how hurricanes at one time were given feminine names and how ships and planes were usually referred to as "she". One of the students raised their hand and asked - "What gender is a computer"?

The teacher wasn't certain which it was, so he divided the class into two groups, males in one, females in the other, and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation. The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.............................

I give that landing a 9 . . . on the Richter scale.

Offline FlyboyGil

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #697 on: December 14, 2006, 09:49:15 PM »
If Santa answered his mail honestly...

Dear Santa I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all
yeer. Yer Frend, BiLLy

Dear Billy, Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in
lawn care. How about I send you a f****ng book so you can learn to read and write?
I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!
Santa

Dear Santa, I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody! Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah, Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
 Santa


Dear Santa, I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas,
I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love,Teddy

Dear Teddy, Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a
screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to
your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream.
Let me get you some nice Legos instead.
Santa

Dear Santa, I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a
drum kit, a pony and a tuba. Love, Francis

Dear Francis, Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay.
Santa

Dear Santa, I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots
for your reindeer outside the back door. Love, Susan

Dear Susan, Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer
fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favour?
Leave me a bottle of scotch. Santa

Dear Santa, What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys? Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas, All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I
spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself
silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing
money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.
Santa

Dear Santa, Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're
awake, like in the song? Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica, Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house. Santa

Dear Santa, I really really want a puppy this year. Please
please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one? Timmy

Timmy, That whiney begging s**t may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't
work with me. You're getting a sweater again.
Santa

Dearest Santa, We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you
get into our home? Love, Marky

Mark, First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass
whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do,
through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams, Santa
IF YOU CAN'T SAY ANYTHING NICE, YOU'RE PROBABLY AT THE ICE CAPADES

Offline FlyboyGil

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #698 on: December 15, 2006, 02:47:21 PM »


For those who love the philosophy of hypocrisy and ambiguity. :-\
-----------------------------------------


Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.


One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.....

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.


I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?"  She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Is there another word for synonym?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?


If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?  (Somebody please explain THIS ONE to me) (I know there's a logical explanation, but it escapes me)

How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the  rest drown, too?

If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?

Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?
 
 


If it's called "Final Fantasy", why do they keep making more of them?
IF YOU CAN'T SAY ANYTHING NICE, YOU'RE PROBABLY AT THE ICE CAPADES

Offline happylanding

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #699 on: December 17, 2006, 09:15:28 AM »
Mates, I cannot remember if I've already posted it, but it's too funny.
Enjoy!

---------------------

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome, Italy. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect.

At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket she was handing him to gather some snails.
Very grudgingly he agreed.

He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself "Wouldn't it be great if she
would even just come down and talk to me." He went back to gathering the snails.

All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They got to talking, and she invited him back to her place. They were at her apartment a ways down the beach, and they started messing around. It got so hot and heavy, that he was exhausted afterwards and passed out there.

At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no - My wife's dinner party!!!"
He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails.

There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time.

He looked at the snails on the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said -
"Come on guys, we're almost there!"
I give that landing a 9 . . . on the Richter scale.

Offline FlyboyGil

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #700 on: December 18, 2006, 03:40:11 AM »
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
IF YOU CAN'T SAY ANYTHING NICE, YOU'RE PROBABLY AT THE ICE CAPADES

Offline FlyboyGil

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #701 on: December 18, 2006, 04:14:48 AM »
A couple of funny links!

http://www.funnyjunk.com/movies/444/Attack+Chopper/    What are they going to use this for?!?!?!?

http://www.funnyjunk.com/movies/442/Chopper+Pulls+Boat/   I think someone is going to lose their job!!

http://www.funnyjunk.com/funny_pictures/1216/Cat+Hitler/   Maybe we do come back in some other form

http://www.funnyjunk.com/funny_pictures/859/Duck+Mother/   Awwwwww. Garsh

http://www.funnyjunk.com/funny_pictures/418/Ebay+Blunder/   Look closley!

IF YOU CAN'T SAY ANYTHING NICE, YOU'RE PROBABLY AT THE ICE CAPADES

Offline SteepTurn

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #702 on: December 29, 2006, 08:46:42 AM »
two nice links with english traductions of cinese menus...

 ::rambo::http://www.rahoi.com/2006/03/may-i-take-your-order.php ::banghead::

 ::cowboy::http://community.livejournal.com/engrish/164141.html ::cowboy::

toooooooooooooooooooo funny!!!!! ;D ;D

btw: HAPPY NEW YEAR TO EVERYONE
for climbing --> pull ** for decending --> continue pulling

Offline Frank N. O.

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #703 on: December 29, 2006, 09:15:32 AM »
Oh man, we're nearing 50 pages and great stuff still comes, although I have seen that ebay blunder before at least.

I sincerely hope a friendly soul helped to correct those translations, but dude they were funny (no disrespect intended).

Not sure if I posted these jokes before but here goes:

TOWER: PH-ABC, check you have the gear down?
PILOT: Sir, it has been down since this aircraft was built.


PILOT : Tower,request permission to enter zone XY.
TOWER : Negative!
PILOT : Did you say negative ?
TOWER : Affirmative
PILOT : Understood affirmative.I will call you leaving the zone.


TOWER : Say fuelstate.
PILOT : fuelstate.
TOWER : Say again.
PILOT : again.
TOWER : Arghl,give me your fuel!!
PILOT : Sorry, need it by myself.....


Frank

P.S. That new Garfield avatar is awesome! Snoopy btw has had a cameo in another Garfield strip. And Snoopy and Woodstock are starring in a new cartoon aircombat game.
"When once you have tasted flight, you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been, and there you will always long to return."
Leonardo da Vinci

Offline happylanding

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #704 on: December 29, 2006, 11:00:00 PM »
I hope I've not posted it yet......

-------------------------BLONDES and JIGSAWS
A man gets a call from his very (very..) blonde girlfriend.
"I've got a problem, sweetheart".
"What's the matter, honey?" asks the man.
"Well, I bought this jigsaw puzzle, but it's too hard. None of the pieces fit together and I can't find any edges."
"What's the picture of?".
"It's of a big rooster".
"All right," says the man. "my dear. tonight, after work, as soon as I come home I will help you with the puzzle..."
At evening, he arrives home, greets his girlfriend and ask her about the puzzle.  She leads him into her kitchen and shows him the jigsaw puzzle on the kitchen table.
He stares at the box, stares at the pieces on the table and turns to her and says, "For heaven's sake, Sweety, put the cornflakes back in the box...."

-------------------------------
No wonder today I changed my hair colour!!!  ::rofl::
I give that landing a 9 . . . on the Richter scale.