Humor....I need Humor!

[happylanding]

The robot...

 
 
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps you when you lie.

He decides to test it out on his son at supper. "Where were you last night?"

"I was at the library."

The robot slaps the son.

"OK I was at a friend's house," the son admits.

"Doing what?" asked the father.

"Watching a movie: Toy Story."

The robot slaps the son.

"OK it was porn!" cried the son.

Father yells "What? When I was your age I didn't know what porn was!"

The robot slaps the father.

The mother laughs and says, "He certainly is your son!"

The robot slaps the mother.

It's much better not to know the truth sometimes!!!!

[Stef]

Two guys are walking down a dark alley, when they get mugged by a couple of thugs who demand their money.

They both grudgingly pull our their wallets and begin taking out their cash.

Just then, one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. "Hey, here's that twenty dollars I owe you."

[Jupiter]

Just ran into this yesterday. http://richardwiseman.files.wordpress.com/2011/09/jokes1.pdf
Quite the collection

[FlyboyGil]

A young ventriloquist is touring Norway and, one night, he's doing a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Norwegian blonde women that way? What does the colour of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? Its men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all Blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, pathetically all in the name of humour!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells: "You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little shit on your lap."

[Mike]

can't verify that it's really true but it's a great story about a great man.....

Subject: Neil Armstrong
ON JULY 20, 1969, AS COMMANDER OF THE APOLLO 11 LUNAR MODULE, NEIL
ARMSTRONG WAS THE FIRST PERSON TO SET FOOT ON THE MOON.

HIS FIRST WORDS AFTER STEPPING ON THE MOON, "THAT'S ONE SMALL STEP FOR
MAN, ONE GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND," WERE TELEVISED TO EARTH AND HEARD BY
MILLIONS.

BUT JUST BEFORE HE RE-ENTERED THE LANDER, HE MADE THE ENIGMATIC REMARK
"GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY."

MANY PEOPLE AT NASA THOUGH IT WAS A CASUAL REMARK CONCERNING SOME
RIVAL SOVIET COSMONAUT.

HOWEVER, UPON CHECKING, THERE WAS NO GORSKY IN EITHER THE RUSSIAN OR
AMERICAN SPACE PROGRAMS.

OVER THE YEARS MANY PEOPLE QUESTIONED ARMSTRONG AS TO WHAT THE "GOOD
LUCK, MR. GORSKY" STATEMENT MEANT, BUT ARMSTRONG ALWAYS JUST SMILED.

ON JULY 5, 1995, IN  TAMPA BAY ,  FLORIDA WHILE ANSWERING QUESTIONS
FOLLOWING A SPEECH, A REPORTER BROUGHT UP THE 26-YEAR-OLD QUESTION TO
ARMSTRONG.

THIS TIME HE FINALLY RESPONDED. MR. GORSKY HAD DIED, SO NEIL ARMSTRONG
FELT HE COULD NOW ANSWER THE QUESTION.

IN 1938, WHEN HE WAS A KID IN A  SMALL  MID-WEST  TOWN , HE WAS
PLAYING BASEBALL WITH A FRIEND IN THE BACKYARD.

HIS FRIEND HIT THE BALL, WHICH LANDED IN HIS NEIGHBOUR'S YARD BY THEIR
BEDROOM WINDOW. HIS NEIGHBOURS WERE MR. AND MRS.. GORSKY.

AS HE LEANED DOWN TO PICK UP THE BALL, YOUNG ARMSTRONG HEARD MRS.
GORSKY SHOUTING AT MR. GORSKY:

"SEX! YOU WANT SEX?!  YOU'LL GET SEX WHEN THE KID NEXT DOOR WALKS ON THE MOON!"


TRUE STORY........

[Rooster Cruiser]

That's a good one, Mike!  However, the timing of the joke makes me question the truthfulness of the story.  I've never heard this story before today, and if it really were true I think it would have been passed around the internet long ago.

Still funny enough that I'm going to pass it around a bit...   

RC

[Stef]

Two little kids were arguing over who's dad has a better job. First kid says,"My dads a doctor." Second kis say,"Yeah well my dad's lawyer." Astonished the first kid says," Honest?" The second kid replied "No, the usual kind."

[Fabo]

That's a good one, Mike!  However, the timing of the joke makes me question the truthfulness of the story.  I've never heard this story before today, and if it really were true I think it would have been passed around the internet long ago.

Still funny enough that I'm going to pass it around a bit...   

RC

It has been around for ages, at least since 1995. It did get a lot of circulation following recent unfortunate events. But I am off-topic here...

[Mike]

That's a good one, Mike!  However, the timing of the joke makes me question the truthfulness of the story.  I've never heard this story before today, and if it really were true I think it would have been passed around the internet long ago.

Still funny enough that I'm going to pass it around a bit...   

RC

It has been around for ages, at least since 1995. It did get a lot of circulation following recent unfortunate events. But I am off-topic here...

I thought it was around before also. Where would we find the facts?
I'd be kinda interesting to know....

[Fabo]

Where would we find the facts?
I'd be kinda interesting to know....

snopes.com is almost always a very reputable source for similar internet stories credibility.

[cotejy]

Where would we find the facts?
I'd be kinda interesting to know....

snopes.com is almost always a very reputable source for similar internet stories credibility.

And here is the link for Armstrong story  http://www.snopes.com/quotes/mrgorsky.asp

[Stef]

What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?
Dr. Dre

-----

If you pour root beer into a square cup, does it become beer?

-----

A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

-----

Why did the scarecrow win an award?
He was outstanding in his field.

-----

What time does Sean Connery arrive at Wimbledon?
Tennish

 

[Mike]

During my last physical, my new doctor asked me about my daily activity level, and so I described a typical day this way:
 
"Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake and took four "leaks" behind big trees."
 
Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoors man!"
 
"No," I replied, "I'm just a shitty golfer."

 

[FlyboyGil]

Why didn't the rooster cross the road with the chicken?
Cause the chicken kicked it in the nuts.   


Hey I'm tired! 

[Stef]

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English". In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away. By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru. Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.


(As a citizen of the EU, it took me a while to recognize this as a joke, considering all the other laws and regulations they passed...)