Author Topic: Humor....I need Humor!  (Read 1410132 times)

Offline G-man

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2280 on: September 02, 2010, 03:45:52 PM »
I cannot believe they even printed it....

Life may not be the party we hoped for---but while we're here--we might as well dance..........

Offline 4X-NTY

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2281 on: September 04, 2010, 09:42:23 AM »
Facts about Fighter Pilots

 
•   Fighter pilots are excellent at picking up women.
•   Fighter pilots are absolutely irresistible to women, who will drop their panties if a fighter pilot so much as enters the room.
•   Fighter pilots are highly skilled and take pride in their ability to consume massive quantities of alcohol, and can speak in complete sentences consisting entirely of swear words.
•   All fighter pilots are men (the females ones are considered fighter goddesses, not just mere fighter pilots)
•   How do you tell if a fighter pilot is in the room? Just wait a minute ... he'll tell you!
•   Fighter pilots always wear large dark sunglasses.
•   Fighter pilots drive the fastest, most flashy car money can buy, and they always have the speedometer on the peg.
•   The secret ingredient in Red Bull is sweat from a fighter pilots ass crack, which explains the drinks peculiar taste, and its ability to "give you wings"
•   Fighter pilots wear a bigger watch than you. It's an easier target for when they shoot it with their hands.
•   Fighter pilots do not high-five.
•   Fighter pilots do not carry briefcases.
•   Most fighter pilots chase women with cute asses though women chase F/A-18 fighter pilots and AV-8A pilots chase each other.
•   Fighter pilots subsist on a diet consisting entirely of coffee, popcorn, cigarettes, microwaved burritos, chewing tobacco, beer, and whiskey.
•   Fighter pilots are better and cooler than you.
•   Fighter pilots each have their own "Verizon network" consisting entirely of bikini clad beer girls with loose morals. Can you beer me now? Good.
•   Fighter pilots usually are given testosterone-ridden call signs like "Jockstrap" or "Whiplash." However, those who try to name themselves are invariably given the call sign "Manbitch."
•   Fighter pilots are a dying breed: The last fighter pilot has been born. In 20 years, all fighters will be unmanned. The world will be a sadder place for it
•   You will NEVER be a fighter pilot.
•   If you ARE a fighter pilot and just read that, we beg for our lives.
•   Fighter pilots can fly ANYTHING, better than anyone else. They could even fly heavy transport aircraft, but they would certainly never want to, nor do they NEED to.
•   Fighter pilots are often seen as exceedingly arrogant and full of themselves. However, they have earned it, so do not scoff, remember that YOU will never get to fly that fighter jet!
•   If you wish to take down a fighter pilot, don't even think about it when he's anywhere within a hundred kilometers from his flying metal monster, wait till he's on the ground and you have an M1 Abrams at your disposal. Unless he's flying an A-10, in which case you're fucked.
•   They don't give a shit if the pattern is full. They WILL buzz the tower whenever they damn well please.
•   The Thunderbirds and Blue Angels are NOT fighter pilots. They are Movie Stars. They are usually re-admitted to the role of the fighter pilot when they move on to their next assignments.
•   Fighter pilots have a secret hand gesture and handshake. They will never tell you what they are, and you will never see them do it in public (unless you are a hot, slightly drunk, 25-year old nymphomaniac stripper attending the O-Club on a Friday night.)
•   No fighter pilot is drunk as long as he can hold onto a single blade of grass and not be flung from the face of the earth.

Nitay "Pitz" Ronen

Offline G-man

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2282 on: September 05, 2010, 02:33:39 PM »
At dawn the telephone rings, "Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead."

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"

"Si, Senor, that's the one."

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"

"From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod."

"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."

"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"

"Yes, Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor."

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."

"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"

"Yes, Senor Rod."

"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Senor Rod."

"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"

"Your wife's, Senor Rod". She came home very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Ping G15 204g titanium head golf club with the TFC 149D graphite shaft."

SILENCE........... LONG SILENCE.........VERY LONG SILENCE.

"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit!!!"
Life may not be the party we hoped for---but while we're here--we might as well dance..........

Offline Plthijnx

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2283 on: September 15, 2010, 09:33:11 PM »
Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to consider this:

My wife and I are traveling by car from Victoria to Prince George .
Being Seniors, after almost eleven hours on the road, we were too tired to continue,
and decided to take a room. But, we only planned to sleep for 4 hours and then get
back on the road.
When we checked out 4 hours later, the desk clerk handed us a bill for $350.00.

I exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high.
I told the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00 for 4 hours.
Then the clerk tells me that $350.00 is the "standard rate". I insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to me, and then explains that the hotel has an
Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for us to use.

"But we didn't use them," I said.

''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.

He went on to explain that we could also have taken in one of the shows
for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from New York ,
Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows," I said.

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, I replied, "But we didn't use it!"

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually I gave up and agreed to pay.

I wrote a check and gave it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the cheque. "But sir, this cheque is only made out for $50.00."


''That's correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife," I replied.

"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

I said, "Well, too bad, she was here, and you could have."
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown

Offline vldflight

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2284 on: September 16, 2010, 10:06:49 PM »
 ;DMust have been a nice wife.....I'd only deduct a dollar.

Offline FlyboyGil

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2285 on: October 13, 2010, 05:52:29 PM »
 ::whistle:: ::whistle::
IF YOU CAN'T SAY ANYTHING NICE, YOU'RE PROBABLY AT THE ICE CAPADES

Offline Jean Loup

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2286 on: October 13, 2010, 06:06:26 PM »
She's so ugly...
  • when she E mailed me her photo, the antivirus detected it
  • when she was born, the doctor said: "If it doesn't cry soon, it's a tumor!"
  • when she entered a 'Who's the Uglyest?' contest, the jury said: "Sorry; we don't accept professionals"
  • when she was born, they put her on an incubator made of polarized glass
  • when she choosed to be a professional prostitute, she died a virgin
  • when she cooked, the onions cryed
  • when she was born, the doctor said: "If it flies, its a bat!"
  • when she wanted a carnival mask, they only gave her a rubber band
...but I love her:
  • her infernal body odor balances well my smelly feet!
« Last Edit: October 13, 2010, 06:08:50 PM by YanLú »

Offline G-man

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2287 on: October 14, 2010, 08:28:31 PM »
Life may not be the party we hoped for---but while we're here--we might as well dance..........

Offline Jean Loup

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2288 on: October 15, 2010, 05:02:56 PM »
 ::type:: at a "certain" Immigration Office:

— Do you speak English?
— Yes.
— Name?
— Kader Abu Jalil.
— Sex?
— Three to five times a week.
— No, no… I mean male or female?
— Yes, male, female, sometimes camel.
— Holy cow!
— Yes, cow, sheep, animals in general.
— But isn"t it hostile?
— Horse style, doggy style, any style!
— Oh dear!
— No, no! Deer runs too fast.
 ::knockedout:: ::knockedout:: ::knockedout::

Offline 4X-NTY

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2289 on: October 21, 2010, 06:40:00 PM »
Today one of the army's UAVs crashed, the pilot is OK.
Nitay "Pitz" Ronen

Offline Oddball

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2290 on: October 26, 2010, 08:46:24 PM »
Does this belong to some one in here  ;D :
A flying students diary
Week 1

Monday: Rain

Tuesday: Rain

Wednesday: No rain; no visibility either

Thursday: Take instructor to lunch. Discover I don’t know enough
to take instructor to lunch.

Friday: Fly! Do first stall and second stall during same manoeuvre. Cover instructor with lunch.

Week 2

Monday: Learned not to scrape frost off Plexiglas with ice-scraper. Used big scratch as marker to set pitch.

Tuesday: Instructor wants me to stop calling throttle “THAT BIG KNOB THING.” Also hates when I call instruments “GADGETS”

Wednesday: Radios won’t pick up radio stations, so I turned them off. Instructor seems to think I missed something.

Thursday: Learned 10 degree bank is not a steep turn. Did stall again today. Lost 2000 feet. Instructor said that was some kind of record — my first compliment.

Friday: Did steep turn. Instructor said I was not ready for inverted flight yet.

Week 3

Monday: Instructor called in sick. New instructor told me to stop calling her “BABE”. Did steep turns. She said I had to have permission for inverted flight.

Tuesday: Instructor back. He told me to stop calling him “BABE”, too. He got mad when I pulled power back on takeoff because the engine was to loud.

Wednesday: Instructor said after the first 20 hours, most students have established a learning curve. He said there is a slight bend in mine. Aha–progress!

Thursday: Did stalls. Clean recovery. Instructor said I did good job. Also did turns around a point. Instructor warned me never to pick ex-fiancée’s house as point again.

Friday: Did circuit work. Instructor said that if downwind, base and final formed a triangle, I would be perfect. More praise!

Week 4

Monday: First landing at a controlled field. Did fine until I told the captain in the 747 ahead of us on the taxiway to move his bird. Instructor says we’ll have ground school all this week on radio procedures.

Tuesday: Asked instructor if everyone in his family had turned grey at such an early age. He smiled. We did takeoff stalls. He says I did just fine but to wait until we reached altitude next time. Three Niner Juliet will be out of the shop in three days when the new strut and tyre arrive. Instructor says his back bothers him only a little.

Wednesday: Flew through clouds. I thought those radio towers were a lot lower. I’m sure my instructor is going grey.

Thursday: Left flaps down for entire flight. Instructor asked way. I told him I wanted the extra lift as a safety margin. More ground school.

Friday: Asked instructor when I could solo. I have never seen anyone actually laugh until they cried before.
"You can teach monkeys to fly better than that!"and "spring chicken to sh**e hawk in one easy lesson"

Offline Mike

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2291 on: October 27, 2010, 05:58:04 PM »
SUMBICH!



 
 
A filthy rich Florida man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors.
He also invited Leroy, the only Redneck in the neighborhood. 
He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion 
Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women. 
At the height of the party, 
The host said, 'I have a 10 foot 
Man-eating gator in my pool 
And I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in.
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash. Everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool! 
Leroy was fighting the gator! Leroy was jabbing it in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and  flipping it through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. 
The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell. 
Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish. 
Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.   
Finally the host says, 'Well, 
Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.' 
'No, that's okay. I don't want It,' said Leroy. 
The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?' 
No thanks, I don't want it,' 
Answered Leroy. 
The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?' 
Again Leroy said no. 
Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well, Leroy, then what  do   you want?' 
Leroy said, 'I want the name of the sumbich who pushed me in the pool!'


Dear IRS: Please cancel my subscription.

Offline Mike

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2292 on: October 30, 2010, 04:46:36 PM »
I am not sure if you guys are familiar with the webcomic "Airforce Blues" but we work together quite a bit.

Right now they have a really funny strip, check it out:

http://www.afblues.com/wordpress/

Stef and I were laughing like this:  ::rofl::

(if you saw this after the end of Oct, then look up "smart drones" on Oct 29th or try clicking on this link: http://www.afblues.com/wordpress/2010/10/29/ )


Dear IRS: Please cancel my subscription.

Offline Jupiter

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2293 on: October 30, 2010, 05:48:39 PM »
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

(You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)!


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed
was nicely made, and that everything was picked up and tidy.
Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed,

'Dad.'

With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the
letter, with trembling hands.

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing to you. I had to
elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with
Mum and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I
knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings',
tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much
older than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't, really
hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with
the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and
ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so
Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know
your many grandchildren.

Love, your son, Joshua.

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in
life than the School report that's on the kitchen table.



---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Studying Aerospace Engineering since 2008
Designing, building and maintaining aircraft since 2008
Drummer since 1999
Balloon support crew since 2009
Built rockets between 2008-2010

Offline Franz

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2294 on: October 30, 2010, 08:39:59 PM »
Find irresponsible behavior in the above picture.


a) Use of an electric barbecue
b) Beer way too close to (a)