Author Topic: Humor....I need Humor!  (Read 1391246 times)

Offline Plthijnx

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #420 on: June 24, 2006, 02:56:58 AM »
Don't blame him!!!
How would you feel if you were an engineer and never got a chance to drive a locomotive, you'd be frustared too ;D
i can drive my locomotive juuuuuuust fine. and without the help of viagra  ;D
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown

Offline Plthijnx

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #421 on: June 24, 2006, 02:57:34 AM »
ok happy, i'm here to make you happy!

A blind man walks into a bar, makes his way to a bar stool and orders adrink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender. "Hey, You wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think
it is only fair that you should know five things.
Number One. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
Number Two. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
Number Three. I'm a six-foot-tall, 175 lb. Blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
Number Four. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
Number Five. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
She concludes by smugly asking, "Now think about it seriously, do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,
"Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five freaking times.
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown

Offline Plthijnx

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #422 on: June 24, 2006, 02:58:10 AM »
Up in Heaven, Alexander the Great, Frederick the Great and Napoleon are looking down on events in Iraq.
Alexander says, "Wow, if I had just one of Bush's armored divisions, I would definitely have conquered India."
Frederick the Great states, "Surely if I only had a few squadrons of Bush's air force I would have won the Seven Years War decisively in a matter of weeks."
There is a long pause as the three continue to watch events. Then Napoleon speaks, "And if I only had that Fox News, no one would have ever known that I lost the Russia campaign."
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown

Offline Plthijnx

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #423 on: June 24, 2006, 02:59:17 AM »
fireflyr?? is that you??

A not necessarily well-prepared student sat in his life science classroom, staring at a question on the final exam paper. The question directed: "Give four advantages of breast milk."
He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best:
1. No need to boil.
2. Never goes sour.
3. Available whenever necessary.
So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a fourth answer.
 Once more, he sighed. He frowned. He scowled, then wrote.....
4. Available in attractive containers of varying sizes.
He received an A.
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown

Offline Plthijnx

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #424 on: June 24, 2006, 02:59:57 AM »
gotta jab at happy here.....

Three fastest means of communication in the world.
3. Tele-phone
2. Tele-vision
1. Tell-a-woman.
You still want faster? Tell her not to tell anyone.
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown

Offline Plthijnx

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #425 on: June 24, 2006, 03:00:58 AM »
Ahmadinejad calls Bush and tells him: "President Bush, I called because I had a dream."
Bush: "What was the dream about, Ahmadinejad?"
Ahmadinejad: "I dreamt that USA was rebuilt and on the top of each house there was a sign."
Bush: "And what was written on the sign?"
Ahmadinejad: "Allah is big, Allah is great!!!"
Bush: "You know what Ahmadinejad, it's good that you called because I had a dream too.
In my dream Iran was rebuilt and on the top of each Building there was a sign too."
Ahmadinejad: "what was written on the signs?"
Bush: "I don't know, I can't read Hebrew!!!!"

The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown

Offline Plthijnx

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #426 on: June 24, 2006, 03:05:11 AM »
A lady walks into a BMW dealership. She browses around, then spots the perfect car - a BMW 3 and walks over to inspect it.
As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now. As she turns around, there standing next to her is a salesman.
"Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?" Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?" He answers, "Madame, if you farted just touching it, you are going to sh@$ yourself when you hear the price!"
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown

Offline Plthijnx

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #427 on: June 24, 2006, 03:05:52 AM »
A little scrawny guy goes into a bar.
He is shortly followed by a big burly trucker.
As they sit at the bar drinking suddenly... BAM!!!
The trucker backhands the little guy, and says "That's my Karate from Korea."
Little guy gets back on the barstool and resumes drinking.
Five minutes later... WHAM!!!
The trucker backhands the little guy, and says "That's my Ju Jitsu from Japan."
The little guy leaves the bar, and comes back in five minutes.
He walks up behind the trucker and... KA-POW!!!
He looks at the bartender and says, ”Tell him that was my sledgehammer from Sears!"
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown

Offline Plthijnx

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #428 on: June 24, 2006, 03:08:16 AM »
aaaaaaaaaaaand for you poker fans:

Freddie Mercury, Versace and Princess Di arrive at the Pearly gates. St Peter explains that only one can get through and that they each have to put forward their case for entry.
Freddie says "I know I haven't led a perfect life and I've made some mistakes along the way, but I've made some of the most beautiful music in the world. I'll stand at the back of heaven, and serenade everybody with my wondrous songs, making heaven a far happier place to be"
"Pretty good, Fred" said St Peter, "what about you Gianni?"
Versace says, "I make the most beautiful clothes in the world. I'll completely redesign the fashions up here, from the archangels to the cherubs to the choirboys. As you well know Pete if you look good you will feel good and that will make heaven a much happier place"
"Not bad" says St Peter. "What about you Di?"
Diana doesn't say a word, instead she lifts up her skirt and pulls down her knickers, inserts a full bottle of Evian water into her arse, lets the water shoot up inside her and then gush out all over the floor.
"Excellent, you're in" says St Peter
"Hold on a freaking minute" says Freddie "She didn't even say anything"
"Bollocks, Fred you know the rules" says St Peter, "A royal flush beats a pair of Queens...."
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown

Offline happylanding

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #429 on: June 24, 2006, 08:31:41 AM »
ok happy, i'm here to make you happy!

OhOhOh wow!!!! Thank you Plthijnx, these were just gorgeous!!!!  ;D ;D ;D Wonderful way to begin day with! I should insert the line of what usually happens to Fireflyr with wine, but I was drinking coffee instead! BTW, What you say about fastest means of communication is true. but to be honest I discovered once that the line "I tell you, but do not tell anybody" works as an automatic retransmission or amplification of  message for everybody! I remember once, I went out with some friends and I was talking to a guy. I was telling him something, and I said this exact sentence. Just time to finish it, he bent to one side, and straightly repeated what I had said to a friend of his. I was toooooooo shocked not to laugh  ;)  And well, I will definitely change hair colour.......... :) :) :) :)
I give that landing a 9 . . . on the Richter scale.

Offline Plthijnx

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #430 on: June 26, 2006, 02:39:55 PM »
Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous.

They are always getting into trouble and their parents know all about it. If any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.

So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher later in the afternoon. The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?"

The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open. So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?!"

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God?!"

The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home & dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time.”

"GOD is missing, and they think we did it!"
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown

Offline Plthijnx

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #431 on: June 26, 2006, 02:41:33 PM »
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and
noticed he had his collar on backwards.
The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way. The man, who was a
priest, said, " I am a Father."
The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."
The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of
many."
The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he
doesn't wear his collar that way."
The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds" and
went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and
said, "Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your
collar."
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown

Offline Plthijnx

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #432 on: June 26, 2006, 02:42:27 PM »
A Guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde. He
immediately turns to her and makes his move.



"You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike
up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk."



The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the
guy, "What would you like to discuss?"



"Oh, I don't know," says the guy, smiling. "How about nuclear power?"



"OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask
you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff --
grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty,
and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"



The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."



"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss
nuclear power when you don't know sh$t?"
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown

Offline diveej

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #433 on: June 27, 2006, 05:02:41 PM »
holy crap the two children one and the colllor one is HALORIOUS but i didnt get the last one... ur so funny...

Offline diveej

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #434 on: June 27, 2006, 07:13:58 PM »
this guy walks into a bar and bets the bartender 300 dollars that he could pee into a cup from 20 feet away. the bartender takes the bet. the guy pees all over except the cup (on the guy,the floor the ceiling) and then the bartender chuckles and says hand over the money. The Man Says ok let me go get it. so the man comes back with 300 dollars and hands it to the bartender. The man starts laughing. the bartender asks the man why are you laughing you just lost 300 dollors. the man shakes his head and says no i didnt, see those 5 guys over there? i bet them 500 dollars each that i could pee all over your bar and you and not only would you not be angry, but you would be happy.