Author Topic: Humor....I need Humor!  (Read 1378017 times)

Offline Firegirl

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #570 on: September 11, 2006, 12:32:26 AM »
A couple had been married many years. One afternoon they were working in the garden together.

As the wife was bending over pulling weeds the husband said, "Hey honey, you are getting fat. Your butt is getting huge. I bet it's as big as the gas grill now."

The husband feeling he needed to prove his point, got a yardstick, measured the grill and then measured his wife's butt.

"Yep," he said, "Just what I thought, just about the same size."

The wife got very incensed and decided to let him do the gardening alone. She went inside and didn't speak to her husband the rest of the day.

That evening when they went to bed, the husband cuddled up to his wife and said, "How about it, hon? How about a little lovemaking?"

The wife rolled over and turned her back to him, giving him the cold shoulder. "What's the matter?" he asked.

To which she replied, "You don't think I'm going to fire up this big gas grill for one little weenie, do you?"
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet you could shoot beer out of you nose. --- Jack Handy

Offline Turbomallard

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #571 on: September 11, 2006, 01:05:40 AM »
Why do I get the feeling that this was what transpired prior to the chicken-shooting incident I posted last week?  ;)

TM
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Offline Firegirl

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #572 on: September 11, 2006, 06:54:06 PM »


A Chinese couple gets married - and she's a virgin. Truth be told, he is not
too experienced either. On the wedding night, she cowers naked  under the
sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to  her and tries to
be reassuring.
 "My darring" he says, "I know dis you first  time and you berry
frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyding you want, I do anyding - juss
anyding you want..
Whatchou want?" he says, trying to sound experienced,
which he hopes will impress his virgin bride.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.
She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I want to try somethin I have heard about .
Numbaa 69".

More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled
tone he queries...
"You want... Chicken wiff broccori?"

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet you could shoot beer out of you nose. --- Jack Handy

fireflyr

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #573 on: September 12, 2006, 02:55:20 PM »
 

 
Subject: GARDENING ITALIAN STYLE

 
Italian Garden

 
An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his
tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His
only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man
wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

 

 
Dear Vincent,
    I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to
plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be
digging up a garden plot. If you were here, I know you would dig
the plot for me.    
     Love, Dad

 
A few days later he received a letter from his son.

 
Dear Dad,
     Don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.
     Love, Vinnie

 
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and
dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized
to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another
letter from his son.

 

 
Dear Dad,
   Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now.
    That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
    Love, Vinnie

 

 

« Last Edit: September 12, 2006, 02:57:43 PM by fireflyr »

Offline Frank N. O.

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #574 on: September 12, 2006, 03:07:26 PM »
Ahahaha, that was actually quite funny once the dime dropped!  |:)\

Frank
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Leonardo da Vinci

Offline Firegirl

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #575 on: September 13, 2006, 12:19:05 AM »
>
 
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing  his wife turning back
and forth, looking at herself in the mirror.
Since her birthday was not far off, he askedwhat she'd like to have for her Birthday.

"I'd like to be six again", she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of
Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day !
He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the
Screaming Monster Roller Coaster... everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her
head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with
extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's.
What a fabulous adventure !
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked,

"Well Dear, what was it like being six again ??"

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

"I meant my Dress Size, you dumb ass !!"




The moral of the story:

Even when a man is listening, he is going to get it wrong!
 ;)

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet you could shoot beer out of you nose. --- Jack Handy

fireflyr

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #576 on: September 13, 2006, 02:20:11 AM »
AAHAAAHAAAHA---Firegirl, that was great ;D

Offline Firegirl

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #577 on: September 13, 2006, 08:38:28 PM »
Thanks Jim!

Here is another one along those lines.....


The Smarter Sex

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them is hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

The man replied, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!"

The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle, and extends it back to the woman.

Politely, the woman refuses to accept the bottle.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet you could shoot beer out of you nose. --- Jack Handy

Offline Firegirl

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #578 on: September 13, 2006, 08:39:53 PM »


Q: What do electric model trains and breasts have in common?
A: They're intended for children, but it's the men who usually end up playing with them.


 ;)
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet you could shoot beer out of you nose. --- Jack Handy

Offline Baradium

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #579 on: September 14, 2006, 04:56:14 AM »
You know Firegirl, except for the last one, I think the moral of your stories is, "women are evil!"

:p
"Well I know what's right, I got just one life
In a world that keeps on pushin' me around
But I stand my ground, and I won't back down"
  -Johnny Cash "I won't back Down"

Offline happylanding

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #580 on: September 14, 2006, 06:26:51 AM »
HAHAHA! Firegirl! these were gorgeous! Keep posting!  |:)\
I give that landing a 9 . . . on the Richter scale.

Offline Firegirl

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #581 on: September 14, 2006, 11:11:26 PM »
You know Firegirl, except for the last one, I think the moral of your stories is, "women are evil!"


What's the moral of this one ??   ;)  ;D

 
Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
 
A blond lady walked by and asked what they were doing.  "We're supposed to
find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, but we  don't have a ladder." 

The woman took a wrench from her purse,
loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down, then she took a tape measure from
her pocket, took a measurement & announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and
walked away.
 
Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blond?  We ask
for the height, and she gives us the length."
 

 
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet you could shoot beer out of you nose. --- Jack Handy

Offline Baradium

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #582 on: September 15, 2006, 01:55:39 AM »

What's the moral of this one ?? ;) ;D

 


Don't give a blond a wrench or she'll dismantle the flagpole you just spent all day putting up.
"Well I know what's right, I got just one life
In a world that keeps on pushin' me around
But I stand my ground, and I won't back down"
  -Johnny Cash "I won't back Down"

Offline tundra_flier

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #583 on: September 15, 2006, 06:12:21 AM »
Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new
 Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a
deep breath of the beautiful day outside.
   He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of
his front lawn.  He promptly called the local police station.
   The conversation went like this:
"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"
  "And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St.  ;
Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so
kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"
 Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied
with a smirk, "Well now father, it was always my impression that you people
took care of last rites!"
  There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.
  Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, tis certainly true, but we are
also obliged to notify the next of kin."

Offline Ted_Stryker

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #584 on: September 15, 2006, 06:48:21 PM »
A few days before his proctological exam, a one eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye. He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it.

Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed instructions, undressed, and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's arse was that eye staring right back at him!

"You know, " said the doctor, "you really have to learn to trust me."


 ;D
We're going to have to come in pretty low! It's just one of those things you have to do... when you land! -- Ted Striker - Airplane!