Author Topic: Humor....I need Humor!  (Read 1419472 times)

Offline Plthijnx

  • Alpha Rooster
  • *****
  • Posts: 537
  • My da*n easy button's broken. Can I borrow yours?
Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #120 on: February 23, 2006, 02:22:59 PM »

Two men are driving through New York when they get pulled over by a State
Trooper. The cop walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick.
The driver rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him in the head
with the stick. The driver asks, "What the hell was that for?"
The cop answers, "You're in New York son. When we pull you over, you better
have your license ready when we get to your car."
The driver says, "I'm sorry, Officer, I'm not from around here."
The cop runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy
his license back, walks around to the passenger side, and taps on the window.
The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him on the head
with the nightstick.
The passenger asks, "What'd you do that for?"
The cop says, "Just making your wish come true."
The passenger asks, "Making what wish come true?"
The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say to your
buddy, 'I wish that jerk would've tried that crap with me!'"
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown

fireflyr

  • Guest
Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #121 on: February 24, 2006, 10:42:36 AM »
"I wish he'd tried that crap on me"
HAHAHAHA---ROFLMAO---GOD!,  That is so real life---most of us have been there!

Offline Plthijnx

  • Alpha Rooster
  • *****
  • Posts: 537
  • My da*n easy button's broken. Can I borrow yours?
Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #122 on: February 24, 2006, 09:54:17 PM »
yeah, that's about par for the course. personally i can't stand cops. here's another cop joke:

One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow tumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys in five different cars before he found his. Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone else left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy.".
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown

Offline Gulfstream Driver

  • Chicken Farmer
  • Alpha Rooster
  • *****
  • Posts: 1070
Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #123 on: February 25, 2006, 01:12:03 AM »
personally i can't stand cops.

I had friends in high school that said that.  I always said that if you didn't break the law, you wouldn't have a problem with them.   ;D
Behind every great man, there is a woman rolling her eyes.  --Bruce Almighty

fireflyr

  • Guest
Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #124 on: February 25, 2006, 02:42:45 AM »
EAsy on the cop jokes---my son is a cop---It's just a friggin job! good thing he knows that they're still telling stories about his old man down at the cop shop!!!

Offline Plthijnx

  • Alpha Rooster
  • *****
  • Posts: 537
  • My da*n easy button's broken. Can I borrow yours?
Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #125 on: February 25, 2006, 02:49:39 PM »
ok, let me clarify: i don't like some cops. the ones that give the good cops a bad rap.
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown

Offline Plthijnx

  • Alpha Rooster
  • *****
  • Posts: 537
  • My da*n easy button's broken. Can I borrow yours?
Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #126 on: February 25, 2006, 04:17:06 PM »

A psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog's IQ.

Here's how it works: if you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown

Offline Plthijnx

  • Alpha Rooster
  • *****
  • Posts: 537
  • My da*n easy button's broken. Can I borrow yours?
Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #127 on: February 25, 2006, 04:18:28 PM »

Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.

"So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home.

"Great," Little Johnny replied.

"Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother.

"Yeah, Daddy especially liked it," exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly, especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!"
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown

Offline Stef

  • Supreme Overlord
  • Alpha Rooster
  • *****
  • Posts: 807
    • Chicken Wings
Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #128 on: February 26, 2006, 01:09:23 PM »
Well, if there weren't good cops and bad cops, how would they implement the "good cop - bad cop" interrogation technique?  ;D

fireflyr

  • Guest
Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #129 on: February 26, 2006, 05:05:47 PM »
Well, if there weren't good cops and bad cops, how would they implement the "good cop - bad cop" interrogation technique?  ;D

HMMMMMMM--Deep thought!!!  ???

Stef, yer scarin' me with this philosophical thread!!

Offline Turbomallard

  • Rooster
  • ****
  • Posts: 418
Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #130 on: March 01, 2006, 10:36:43 PM »
As we age, our priorities change....

The other day I came home and was greeted by my wife, dressed only in very
sexy underwear and holding a couple of short velvet ropes.

"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So, I tied her up and went flying.

 ;D

TM
"Do not read this signature under penalty of law."

fireflyr

  • Guest
Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #131 on: March 02, 2006, 06:11:02 AM »
Turbomallard, I shot wine (Sonama Valley-of course) out my nose on that one!!!!! ;D

I used to say I'd rather fly than ****  because I can fly for hours---then came Viagra so now it's a toss up.

Offline Turbomallard

  • Rooster
  • ****
  • Posts: 418
Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #132 on: March 02, 2006, 10:48:40 PM »
Turbomallard, I shot wine (Sonama Valley-of course) out my nose on that one!!!!! ;D


Well, I hope it didn't hurt too much.

On another note... I can't wait for the guys to incorporate the "bit" in question into a strip for the comic!

It would be tough to sell in terms of believability, though... I mean, Chuck having a wife?

TM
"Do not read this signature under penalty of law."

Offline Ted_Stryker

  • Chicken Farmer
  • Rooster
  • *****
  • Posts: 443
  • Never Forget 9/11/2001
    • Cyber Forensics
Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #133 on: March 02, 2006, 11:10:52 PM »
Good ones indeed!!!! :D

Here's another I saw the other day....

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.

A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready."All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except the lawyers are still going around passing out business cards.

We're going to have to come in pretty low!  It's just one of those things you have to do... when you land!  -- Ted Striker - Airplane!

Offline Firegirl

  • Cockerel
  • ***
  • Posts: 171
Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #134 on: March 03, 2006, 11:20:45 PM »
           
FBI
 
 
The FBI had an opening for an assassin.   

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done there were 3 finalists. Two  men  and  a  woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.   Inside the room you will find your wife
sitting in a chair.   Kill Her!!!"

"The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife"

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."


The second man was given the same instructions.   He took the gun and went into the room.   All was quiet for about 5 minutes.   The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes.  Take your wife and go home."


Finally, it was the woman's turn.   She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another.   They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.  After a few minutes, all was quiet.   The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, She wiped the sweat from her brow.  "This gun is loaded with blanks" she said.  "I had to beat him to death with the chair."


MORAL :   Women are evil   

Don't mess with them  !!!!!!!!


 
 Whoa!! Heh heh heh.......
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet you could shoot beer out of you nose.  --- Jack Handy