Author Topic: Humor....I need Humor!  (Read 1391241 times)

Offline Ragwing

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2220 on: November 16, 2009, 04:10:40 AM »
Genealogy

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?"
The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so all mankind was made."

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.
The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"

The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."

Offline Ragwing

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2221 on: November 29, 2009, 04:41:47 PM »
Oops...

Finishing up our work at a trade show in San Diego, my co- worker Maureen and I decided to go sightseeing across the border in Tijuana, Mexico. While there, we went shopping and bought a few pieces of clay kitchenware.

As we crossed back into the United States, a customs official asked if we had anything of value to report.

"Not really," Maureen replied, digging in her bag for the bean crock she had purchased.
Everyone around us froze as she continued, "I only bought a little pot."

Offline Ragwing

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2222 on: December 03, 2009, 05:57:29 AM »
Oddball 007,
This should be just up your alley!!!
Your mission is to protect the atomic briefcase from all enemies, domestic and fowl.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jEjUAnPc2VA&feature=player_embedded

Offline Oddball

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2223 on: December 03, 2009, 08:47:58 AM »
i have to admit I always wondered what that monument was for now I know..................its  a secret missile silo  :) :) :) :) :) :) >:D
"You can teach monkeys to fly better than that!"and "spring chicken to sh**e hawk in one easy lesson"

Offline Rooster Cruiser

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2224 on: December 06, 2009, 07:01:38 AM »
BAD TIGER

What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards.


Tiger Woods wasn't seriously injured in the crash, but he's still below par.


What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2.30 in the morning? They went clubbing


Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn't decide between a wood and an iron.


Apparently the police asked Tiger's wife how many times she hit him. She said "I don't know exactly but put me down for a 5."


It was just reported that Phil Mickelson contacted Tiger's wife to pick up some tips on how to beat Tiger.


Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole in one.


Tiger Woods has been dropped by Gillette after admitting that his crash was the closest shave he had ever had.


A movie is being developed base on events, titled "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Hydrant".


EA Sports are releasing new Playstation game... "Tiger Woods 2010, Grand Theft Auto"


What does Tiger Woods have in common with baby seals? They both get clubbed by Norwegians.


After a wayward drive, Tiger Woods found water before nestling behind a tree.

 
Apparently, the only person who can beat Tiger Woods with a golf club is his wife.


Perhaps Tiger should be using a driver?

 ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl::
"Me and Earl was haulin' chickens / On a flatbed outta Wiggins..."

Wolf Creek Pass, by CW McCall

Offline 4X-NTY

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2225 on: December 15, 2009, 01:20:59 PM »
My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those
big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trayzy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said,
"In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one."

To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a
beat,


"Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank
you.
Tray - up, Bitch...."
Nitay "Pitz" Ronen

Offline Ragwing

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2226 on: December 18, 2009, 03:33:10 PM »
Mistletoe At The Airport

It was slightly before Christmas. The trip went reasonably well, and he was ready to go back. The airport on the other end had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols.

Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, he was not in a particularly good mood.

As he approached the counter to check his luggage he saw hanging mistletoe.
Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and pointier parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way.

With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, he said to the attendant,

"Even if I were not married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe."

"Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is."

(pause)

"Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale, which is the place you'd have to step forward for a kiss."

"That's not why it's there."

(pause)

"Ok, I give up. Why is it there?"

"It's there so you can kiss your luggage goodbye."

Offline mtnman

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2227 on: December 18, 2009, 09:00:08 PM »
Our local county courthouse had to cancel this years live nativity scene...they coudn't come up with either a virgin or three wise men....
they did however have plenty of asses for the stable.
sunday, monday, tuesday, wednesday, thursday, friday, saturday....see, there is no "someday"!

Offline Ragwing

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2228 on: January 03, 2010, 06:16:32 AM »
Water Pistols

When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink.

I was not so pleased. I turned to mom and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?"

Mom smiled and then replied, "OH YES! I do remember."
-------------------

Twas the Internet Night Before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the Net,
There were hacker's a surfing. Nerds? Yeah, you bet.
The e-mails were stacked by the inbox with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.

The newbies were nestled all snug by their screens,
While visions of Java danced in their dreams.
My wife on the sofa and me with a snack,
We just settled down at my rig (it's a Mac).

When out in the Web there arose such a clatter,
I jumped to the site to see what was the matter.
To a new page my Mac flew like a flash,
Then made a slight gurgle. It started to crash!!

I gasped at the thought and started to grouse,
Then turned my head sideways and clicked on my mouse.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
My Mac jumped to a page that wasn't quite clear.

When the image resolved, so bright and so quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick!
More rapid than mainframes, more graphics they came,
Then Nick glanced toward my screen, my Mac called them by name;

"Now Compaq! Now Acer!", my speaker did reel;
"On Apple! On Gateway!" Santa started to squeal!
"Jump onto the circuits! And into the chip!
Now speed it up! Speed it up! Make this thing hip!"

The screen gave a flicker, he was into my "Ram",
Then into my room rose a full hologram!
He was dressed in all red, from his head to his shoes,
Which were black (the white socks he really should lose).

He pulled out some discs he had stored in his backpack.
Santa looked like a dude who was rarin' to hack!
His eyes, how they twinkled! His glasses, how techno!
This ain't the same Santa that I used to know!

With a wink of his eye and a nod of his head,
Santa soon let me know I had nothing to dread.
He spoke not a word, gave my Mac a quick poke,
And accessed my C drive with only a stroke.

He defragged my hard drive, and added a "Dimm",
Then threw in some cool games, just on a whim!
He worked without noise, his fingers they flew!
He distorted some pictures with Kai's Power Goo!

He updated Office, Excel and Quicken,
Then added a screensaver with a red clucking chicken!
My eyes widened a bit, my mouth stood agape,
As he added the latest version of Netscape.

The drive gave a whirl, as if it were pleased,
St. Nick coyly smiled, the computer appeased.
Then placing his finger on the bridge of his nose,
Santa turned into nothing but ones and zeros!

He flew back into my screen and through my uplink,
Back into the net with barely a blink.
But I heard his sweet voice as he flew from my sight,
"Happy surfing to all, and to all a good byte!"

Offline Mike

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2229 on: January 04, 2010, 07:59:20 PM »
no explanation needed....


Dear IRS: Please cancel my subscription.

Offline Rooster Cruiser

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2230 on: January 12, 2010, 08:35:59 PM »
Man, I'm glad I saw Eh-frica before that happaned!   ;D

RC
"Me and Earl was haulin' chickens / On a flatbed outta Wiggins..."

Wolf Creek Pass, by CW McCall

Offline Jean Loup

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2231 on: January 13, 2010, 08:07:51 PM »
rock on!

I found a green carterpillar (very itchy carterpillar!) and released it in my garden. Later, it became this beauty and visted me all day...I am not trying to cacht it; my hand is for size comparison only! Flight is freedom...
« Last Edit: January 15, 2010, 07:32:46 PM by donYan »

Offline Rooster Cruiser

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2232 on: January 14, 2010, 09:13:54 AM »
Last Sex



Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live.

Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.

About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, 'Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live.
Could we please do it one more time?'

Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes  that he now has only 8 hours left.

He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, 'Honey, please... Just one more time before I die.'

She says, 'Of course, dear,' and they make love for the third time.
After this session, the wife rolls over and falls to sleep.

Morris, however, worried about his impending demise, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours.

He taps his wife, and says, 'Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could....'

At this point the wife sits up and says, 'Listen Morris, I have to get up in the morning... You don't.
"Me and Earl was haulin' chickens / On a flatbed outta Wiggins..."

Wolf Creek Pass, by CW McCall

Offline Mike

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The honeymoon is over for Sully!
« Reply #2233 on: January 29, 2010, 02:25:14 AM »
The Chicken Wings perspective:  ::rofl::


Dear IRS: Please cancel my subscription.

Offline Firegirl

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2234 on: February 01, 2010, 05:01:11 AM »
   A Virginia State trooper pulled a car over on I-64 about 2 miles east of  the Virginia / West Virginia State line. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Beckley , WV to do a show at the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.
 
  The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a  ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him. While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunken good old boy from West Virginia got out, watched the performance briefly, then went over to the patrol car,  opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car and opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.
 
  The drunk replied, 'You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that test.'
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet you could shoot beer out of you nose.  --- Jack Handy