Author Topic: Humor....I need Humor!  (Read 1391287 times)

Offline 4X-NTY

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2205 on: September 24, 2009, 11:15:21 PM »
I once did it to my math teacher,she said "finally someone does that!"
scary part is,I know how to solve it...
Nitay "Pitz" Ronen

Offline Jean Loup

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2206 on: September 26, 2009, 01:43:06 PM »
reminds me of Chuck . . .     ;D
  ::thinking:: Well, that question is badly propoosed! The answer "here it is" is absolutly RIGHT!  ::sulk:: That ignoramus  ::unbelieveable:: teacher should have writed: CALCULATE "X" & not FIND "X"...  ::banghead::

 ::cowboy::  ::wave::
« Last Edit: September 26, 2009, 01:45:00 PM by donYan »

Offline Firegirl

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2207 on: September 30, 2009, 09:37:14 PM »


How I learned to mind my own business :


I was walking past the mental hospital the other day,
And all the patients were shouting, '13....13....13.'

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a
Little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see
What was going on.....

Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick!

Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'...
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet you could shoot beer out of you nose.  --- Jack Handy

Offline FlyboyGil

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2208 on: October 03, 2009, 04:19:19 PM »
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.

Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.'

So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!'

The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'

The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million bucks would buy?'

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

The boy replied, 'Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars .

But 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a homo
IF YOU CAN'T SAY ANYTHING NICE, YOU'RE PROBABLY AT THE ICE CAPADES

Offline Ragwing

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2209 on: October 11, 2009, 01:22:10 PM »
GI Insurance

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.

Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said, "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000."

"Now," he concluded, "which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

Offline Ragwing

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2210 on: October 11, 2009, 01:45:17 PM »
This is a story by David McClure from the Dallas News Community Opinion page.

$5.37. That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bueno said to me. I
dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that
used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I
started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid with
the Emo hairdo said the harshest thing anyone has ever said to me. He said,
"It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."

I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change
hitting the counter in front of me. "Only $4.68" he said cheerfully. I stood
there stupefied. I am 48, not even 50 yet a mere child! Senior citizen?

I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with
Emo. Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil. Old? Me?

I'll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode
to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile.

Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of
me, like I could be that easily distracted! What am I now? A toddler?

"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?" I stared with utter
disdain at the keys. I began to rationalize in my mind. "Leaving keys behind
hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to anyone!"

I turned and headed back to the truck. I slipped the key into the ignition,
but it wouldn't turn. What now? I checked my keys and tried another. Still
nothing. That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rear view
mirror. I had no purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.

Then, a few other objects came into focus. The car seat in the back seat.
Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard. A partially eaten doughnut
on the dashboard.

Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.
Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be
leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. That is when I felt it, deep in
the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned, and I
reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found.

I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the
restaurant one final time. There Emo stood, draped in youth and black nail
polish. All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?" All I could
say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here?" At this point I was ready
to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, and then go straight home
and apply for Social Security benefits.

Emo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad
came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a
drink and a bag. His mother explained, "I think you left this in my truck by
mistake." I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly
apologized.

She offered these kind words: "It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this
all the time."

All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40. Yes, I was
racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius. And no, I told the officer, I'm not
too old to be driving this fast.

As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall. I
handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly sat in
my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blanky.

The good news was I had successfully found my way home.*
 ::rofl::

Offline Ragwing

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2211 on: October 24, 2009, 03:25:00 PM »
 

 

 

And some adult humor
 
« Last Edit: October 24, 2009, 03:29:13 PM by Ragwing »

Offline Mike

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2212 on: October 24, 2009, 11:49:54 PM »
Those are great!

We are actually in contact with Mark Parisi, he's a very nice guy. AND he likes Chicken Wings!

I LOVE the "Flight Simulator" joke!  ::rofl::
It's one of those where I am kicking myself for not thinking of it first......


Dear IRS: Please cancel my subscription.

Offline Ragwing

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2213 on: October 29, 2009, 11:21:46 AM »
Computer Novices

Computer novices may feel like they're alone these days, but the following call to IBM's help center show there are plenty of people out there who still are inching onto the information superhighway.

After a caller gave a technician her PC's serial number, he scanned a database of registered users and responded, "I see you have an Aptiva" desktop unit.

Before he could say another word, the caller shrieked and said she'd be right back. When the customer returned, the technician asked if she was all right. The caller responded: "Had I realized you could see me, I never would have telephoned in my bathrobe."

Offline Ragwing

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2214 on: November 01, 2009, 03:18:27 AM »
Buying Fabric
Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked,
"I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"

"Only one kiss per yard, " replied the smirking male clerk.

"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face,
the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly.

The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her.
"Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.
-----------------------------------------------------
Italian Food
The customer in the Italian restaurant was so pleased that he asked to speak to the chef.
The owner proudly led him into the kitchen and introduced him to the chef.

"Your veal parmigiana was superb," the customer said.
"I just spent a month in Italy, and yours is better than any I ever had over there."

"Naturally," the chef said. "Over there, they use domestic cheese. Ours is imported."
------------------------------------------------------------
Weight Loss
My friend and I joined a weight-loss organization.
At one meeting the instructor held up an apple and a candy bar.

"What are the attributes of this apple," she asked, "and how do they relate to our diet?"

"Low in calories" and "lots of fiber," were among the answers.

She then detailed what was wrong with eating candy, and concluded,
"Apples are not only more healthful but also less expensive.
Do you know I paid fifty-five cents for this candy bar?"
We stared as she held aloft the forbidden treat.

From in back of the room a small voice spoke up.
"I'll give you seventy-five cents for it."

Offline TheSoccerMom

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2215 on: November 02, 2009, 03:43:39 AM »
I never knew they had to train, too........    ::whistle::

 ::whistle::

Don't make me come back there!!!!

Offline Oddball

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2216 on: November 02, 2009, 08:22:42 PM »
SMART  KID
 

A young jackaroo from outback Queensland goes off to university, but
halfway through the semester he foolishly has squandered all of his money.


He calls home. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe what modern education is
developing. They actually have a program here in Brisbane that will teach
our dog Ol' Blue how to talk."


"That's amazing!" his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"


"Just send him down here with $2,000," the young jackaroo says, "I'll get
him in the course."


So his father sends the dog $2,000.


About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy
calls home. "So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?" his father wants to know.


"Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm. But you just won't believe this.
They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to teach the
animals how to read."


"Read?!" exclaims his father. "No kidding! How do we get Ol' Blue in that
program?"


"Just send $4,500. I'll get him in the class."


The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the
year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read. So he
shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is
all excited.


"Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read
something!"


"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before
we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the
recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal. Then he suddenly turned to me
and asked, 'So,is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead
barmaid at the pub?'"


The father groans and whispers, "I hope you shot that b*st*rd before he
talks to your Mother!"


"I sure did, Dad!"


"That's my boy!"
No need to tell you the kid went on to be a successful lawyer
"You can teach monkeys to fly better than that!"and "spring chicken to sh**e hawk in one easy lesson"

Offline Plthijnx

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2217 on: November 06, 2009, 04:37:08 AM »
A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.

After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, “Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?”

The rabbi responded, “Yes, that is still one of our laws.”

The priest then asked, “Have you ever eaten pork?”

To which the rabbi replied, “Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.”

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, “Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?”

The priest replied, “Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.”

The rabbi then asked him, “Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?”

The priest replied, “Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my Faith.”

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five Minutes.




Finally, the rabbi said, “Beats the crap out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?”
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown

Offline Plthijnx

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2218 on: November 06, 2009, 04:40:23 AM »
nice!
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown

Offline Plthijnx

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2219 on: November 06, 2009, 04:40:56 AM »
rock on!
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown