Humor....I need Humor!

[Oddball]

  thats a good one!

[Rooster Cruiser]

Classic, G-Man!!!  CLASSIC!!!   

[Rooster Cruiser]

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.

 'You all have obsessions,' he observed.

  To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating.  You've even named your daughter Candy.' 

 He turned to the second Mom, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money.  Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'

 He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: 'Your obsession is alcohol.  This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.' 

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, 'Come on, Dick, we're leaving.  Your brothers Peter and Willy are waiting for us.''

[G-man]

By following simple advice heard on the Dr.Phil show, you too can find inner peace. Dr. Phil proclaimed,  'The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished.'

So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before the morning was over I finished off a bottle of Zinfandel, a bottle of vodka, tequila, a package of Oreo's, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, and a box of chocolates.


You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now.

Look Below:

[G-man]

Hurricane's a comin', be prepared!

 

Hurricane Survival Kit



Toilet Paper.............................check

Bud Light.............................check

Keystone Ice...............................check

Budweiser......................check 

Red Dog...............................check

Misc Other bottles of alcohol....check

Piece of plywood to float your old lady and booze on........................check

[FlyboyGil]

A blond truck driver was eatin her meal at a truck stop
when 6 female motorcycle riders burst in.
They stole her food and taunted her,
but she just sat there and took it all meekly.
She paid her bill and left without sayin a word.
One of the bikers swaggered up to the cashier and said,
"She aint much of a fighter is she?"
The cashier glanced out the window and replied,
"Not much of a driver either.
She just backed her 18-wheeler over 6 motorcycles."


There was a blond truck driver who had to deliver 500
penguins to the state zoo.
As she was driving through the desert, she broke down.
After about 3 hours she waved down a female brunette
trucker and offered her driver $500 to take the penguins
to the state zoo for her.
The next day the blond trucker arrived in town and saw
the brunette trucker crossin the road with 500
penguins walkin in single file line behind her.
She jumped out of her truck and yelled, "WHATS GOIN ON?
I GAVE YOU $500 TO TAKE THESE PENGUINS TO THE ZOO!"
The brunette driver responded,.....
"I did take them to the zoo.
But I had some money left over so now we're goin to
the movies."



What did the egg say to the boiling water?
I just got laid and now you want me to get hard!!!!!


What's the difference between a woman and a computer?
A computer will accept a 3 1/2 inch floppy!


A litte girl walks into a pet shop and asks, "Excuthe me, Mithter, do you keep wittle wabbith?"
The shopkeeper smiles, gets down on one knee so he's at her level and asks, "Do you want a wittle white wabbit or a soft and furry black wabbit?"
She leans forward and replies, "I don't fink my pyfon gives a f–k!"


A fella appears in court requesting a divorce. After reviewing the papers, the judge asks, "Tell me why I should grant this."
"Because," the man replies, "we live in a two-storey house."
"What kind of reason is that? What's the big deal about a two-storey house?"
"Well, Your Honour, "one story is, 'I have a headache' and the other story is, 'It's that time of the month.'"

[FlyboyGil]

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my Husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically Telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a Suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds"

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.
"How long will this take?" I asked.
"They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies.

I Stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?" Without missing a beat he says "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.



Successful Sons
Four men went to play golf one day. Three of them headed to the first tee and the fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill. The three men started talking and bragging about their sons.

The first man told the others "My son is a home builder, and he is so successful that he gave a friend a new home for free."

The second man said, "My son is a car salesman, and now owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend a new Mercedes, fully loaded.

The third man , not wanting to be outdone, bragged, "My son is a stockbroker, and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire portfolio."

The fourth man joined them at the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The fist man mentioned, "We are just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?"

The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay and a go-go dancer at a gay bar." The other three men grew silent as he continued, "I'm not totally thrilled about the dancing job, but he must be doing well. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, and brand new Mercedes, and a stock portfolio."

[4X-NTY]

The little and cute first graders had a show and tell in school,so the teacher called Tony to come up first.
Tony brought his dog and said "look at my dog doing awesome tricks!!" Tony let go of the leash and the dog start running over the ceiling,first on his legs, then on his tail and then on his eyes while singing the national anthem. The class was very impressed.
The teacher called Betty to come up next.
Betty brought her cat and said "look at my cat doing AMAZING tricks!!" Betty threw the cat in the air and the cat suddenly released gas from his behind and started flying around the class while singing the national anthem of THREE countries. the class was very impressed.
The teacher called Sam to come up next.
Sam brought his hedgehog, put it on the table so everybody could see,took one finger and stuck it in the hedgehog butt,the hedgehog was doing "SSSSSSSS",the teacher came up yelling "SAM! don't do it to animals! that not good!!!!" so Sam answered her "no no! don't worry!  it's going to be awesome!"
So little Sam took two fingers and stuck it up in the hedgehog but,again the hedgehog was doing "SSSSSSSS" and again the teacher came yelling "SAM!! what are you doing?! you really shouldn't this to your poor hedgehog!!" so,again Sam answered her "no no!! wait! it really will be awesome!! just one more try!!"
So Sam took three fingers and pushed it up the hedgehog butt and the hedgehog was doing "SSSSSSSSSTOP IT!!!!!!!"
(it's better when told face to face and in Hebrew)

One day a kid got in a candy store,and asked the seller "seller,seller, do you have MILLION candies?"
the seller replied to him "well, no, i have only around nine thousand candies..."
"oh..." the kid said, and went out of the store a bit disappointed.
The next,the little kid once again got in the candy store and asked the seller "seller, seller, do you have MILLION candies?"
and the seller replied to him "well, no, i have only around fifteen thousand,i got a new supply today..."
"oh..." the kid said and went out of the store a bit disappointed.
When the seller came back home he started thinking,that if that kid would buy a million candies,the he would be rich! so the seller sold his house,his dog,his toilet,his dust bunnies and pretty much everything.
The other day the little kid came to the candy store and asked the seller "seller, seller! do you have a MILLION candies??" so the seller told him with a big smile "yes! i have MILLION candies!!" so the little kid said "WWWWOOOOOWWWW!!!"

[Rooster Cruiser]

Steve stood over his tee shot on the 450 yard 18th hole for what seemed like an eternity.

He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn't start his back swing.

Finally his exasperated partner asked, 'What in the world is taking so long?'

'My wife is watching me from the clubhouse balcony,' Steve explained. 'I want to make a perfect shot.'

His companion exclaimed. 'You don't have a chance in hell of hitting that biatch from here!"

[FlyboyGil]

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch.  Immediately, his wife began nagging him again. Complain, nag, complain, nag - it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.

This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it. So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said, 'Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement.'

'And what about the men?' the minister asked.

'They wanted to know if the mule was for sale', he said.

[Rooster Cruiser]

JOB SATISFACTION

Repeat after me...  'I WILL NOT complain about my job EVER AGAIN!!!'   

[G-man]

FOOTBALL AND THE BLONDE…

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

'Oh, I really liked it,' she replied, 'especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.'

Dumbfounded, her date asked, 'What do you mean?'

'Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like.... Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!

[cotejy]

LOL, this reminds me of what my wife told me about when she went to a football game a few years before we meet. To her excuse, we live in Québec where football was (at this time) as popular as hockey is in south Texas. She said that she waited for the game to start but it never did and the first thing she knew was that the game is over. During the whole game, she taught they were just warming up because they just practice a play and stop after 5 seconds. But she enjoyed the half time break which she taught was the pre game ceremony.

[TheSoccerMom]

Haa haaaaaaaaaa, now THAT is funny!!   
Tell your wife I would go to a football game with her.....  and football ranks about as low as shopping, in my book.   

 

 

 

[Oddball]

that aint football all you are doing is throwing a ball around and having a seat every few minutes.