Author Topic: Humor....I need Humor!  (Read 1378371 times)

Offline G-man

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2385 on: September 06, 2011, 03:40:15 PM »
In the wake of Bin Laden's death, radical Muslims are planning to go on a rampage in Los Angeles, killing anyone who is a legal U.S. citizen.

Police fear the death toll could be as high as 23.

We will keep you posted on future developments.
Life may not be the party we hoped for---but while we're here--we might as well dance..........

Offline chuckar101

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2386 on: September 07, 2011, 05:18:19 PM »
In the wake of Bin Laden's death, radical Muslims are planning to go on a rampage in Los Angeles, killing anyone who is a legal U.S. citizen.

Police fear the death toll could be as high as 23.

We will keep you posted on future developments.
Wow I wouldnt expect to be even that high.
WOW I did that!

Offline Stef

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2387 on: September 10, 2011, 12:05:41 PM »
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."

Offline Stef

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2388 on: September 15, 2011, 11:27:43 AM »
Time to get a bit racist in here..


Offline Stef

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2389 on: September 15, 2011, 06:32:19 PM »
What time does Sean Connery arrive at Wimbledon?

Tennish.


How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb?

Just Juan.


What is red and bad for your teeth?

A brick.


Do you know how much cocaine charlie sheen did last year?

Enough to kill 2 and 1/2 men.

Offline FlyboyGil

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2390 on: September 18, 2011, 09:00:51 PM »
At a recent wedding party someone yelled, "All married men, please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth  living."

The bartender was crushed to death.
IF YOU CAN'T SAY ANYTHING NICE, YOU'RE PROBABLY AT THE ICE CAPADES

Offline Stef

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2391 on: September 24, 2011, 03:17:06 PM »
A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this, they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, he encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they arrived home, the postman was dead on their porch.

Offline Stef

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2392 on: September 25, 2011, 11:55:37 AM »
Why did the scarecrow get a raise?

Because he was outstanding in his field.

Offline FlyboyGil

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2393 on: September 27, 2011, 11:23:38 PM »

Drafting Guys Over 60

This is funny & obviously written by a Former Soldier...

New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60!




I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to
track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to
join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards.
Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take
us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit
until you're at least 35.
For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about
sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about
sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000
additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a
cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for awhile..
An 18-year-old doesn't even liketo get up before 10am . Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.
If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number
would be a real brainteaser.
Boot camp would be easier for old guys.. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course however... I've
been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.
Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too... I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still
learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl.
He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to
shade his eyes, not the back of his head.
These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.
Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons, who know that their best years are already behind them.
HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50...in menopause!!!
You think MEN have attitudes??
Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!! If nothing else, put them on
border patrol. They'll have it secured the first night!





 

IF YOU CAN'T SAY ANYTHING NICE, YOU'RE PROBABLY AT THE ICE CAPADES

Offline Ragwing

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2394 on: September 30, 2011, 01:03:09 PM »

Offline Stef

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2395 on: October 01, 2011, 11:09:20 AM »
A new CEO takes over at a struggling company and decides to get rid of all the slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning against a wall. He can't believe this guy would just stand around on the job. The new CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "What are you doing here?"

"I'm just waiting to get paid," responds the man.

Furious, the CEO asks: "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young fellow replies: "I make about $300 a week. Why?"

The CEO quickly gets out his checkbook, hands the guy a check made out to cash for $1,200 and says: "Here's four weeks' pay. Now get out and don't come back."

The man puts the check in his pocket and promptly walks out.

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looks around the room and asks: "Does anyone want to tell me what just happened here?"

From across the room comes a voice: "Yeah, you just tipped the pizza delivery guy $1,200."

Offline FlyboyGil

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2396 on: October 04, 2011, 10:25:20 PM »
After much research and debate, Psychologists have managed to publish an abridged book of Understanding women.
« Last Edit: October 04, 2011, 10:27:06 PM by FlyboyGil »
IF YOU CAN'T SAY ANYTHING NICE, YOU'RE PROBABLY AT THE ICE CAPADES

Offline Rooster Cruiser

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2397 on: October 04, 2011, 11:02:17 PM »
After much research and debate, Psychologists have managed to publish an abridged book of Understanding women.

And that is the Condensed version!  Hehe.   ::drinking::

RC
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Offline YawningMan

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2398 on: October 05, 2011, 01:39:35 AM »
That section he's holding in his hands so far?

Table of Contents.

Offline Stef

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2399 on: October 24, 2011, 09:14:15 AM »
How to build your own model helicopter: