Author Topic: Humor....I need Humor!  (Read 1389958 times)

Offline Frank N. O.

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #765 on: January 10, 2007, 04:23:05 PM »
I had to reread that first joke with the blonde and the lawyer a couple of times from start to finish to get it but then it hit me, and that was awesome!!! At first I thought it was a joke about lawyers being even dumber than the stereotypical blonde, but I see this one as confirming that there are indeed intelligent blondes! I'm gonna send this to my best friend Chey (who's a blonde with a university degree), she's going to love it, like she did when I posted the hair colouring experiment thread :D  ::rofl::

The 3rd joke, like Jim's stamp joke was a classic, but I'm happy that 2nd joke isn't true for all chicks, or at least I hope not. Btw, the danish equivalent word for a chick (as in a woman you want to date) is "sild" and that's the danish word for a herring (fish)  ::rofl::

Btw, here's a practical joke I came up with a few days ago, have anyone done this already?

You're flying a small plane and you get some passengers who don't know you, maybe a taxiflight or something. When you're all in the plane and you're going to start the preperations for starting the plane and flight then you turn around and ask the passengers on the back seat to hand you the book on the backseat (which you conveniently put there before the passengers came) and that book's cover will read: Flying an Aircraft For Dummies - Moron Edition! (the cover designed to look like the real books in the series). To make the joke even better then make it as a small pamflet to really indicate how inadequate the book is to help  ::rofl:: ::rofl::
This is similar to the joke with one of the pilots from the tv-series Wings sat in the passengerseat with the passengers comming aboard, and then folding down his newspaper and pretending to be a passenger that didn't want to wait any longer and was about to fly the plane himself  ::rofl::
There's of course also the Chuck joke with him saying it's also his first time flying a helicopter for some very uneasy passengers  ::rofl::
NOTE: I would make sure the passengers weren't afraid of flying, unlike Chuck, so they wouldn't get too scared when they saw the book.

Frank
"When once you have tasted flight, you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been, and there you will always long to return."
— Leonardo da Vinci

Offline happylanding

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #766 on: January 10, 2007, 09:00:14 PM »
Speaking of lawyers,
The post office just issued a new series of stamps featuring lawyers pictures but had to recall them because people couldn't figure out which side to spit on ::rofl::

Happy---"bashing"=insulting   ::rambo::

I know--it's all in good fun ;D ;D

hoho! no insults meant! :)
I am part one of those women who would never enjoy living without men (also when telling jokes!) :)
I give that landing a 9 . . . on the Richter scale.

fireflyr

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #767 on: January 11, 2007, 02:43:25 AM »
Speaking of lawyers,
The post office just issued a new series of stamps featuring lawyers pictures but had to recall them because people couldn't figure out which side to spit on ::rofl::

Happy---"bashing"=insulting   ::rambo::

I know--it's all in good fun ;D ;D

hoho! no insults meant! :)
I am part one of those women who would never enjoy living without men (also when telling jokes!) :)

HOHOHO yourself---I am loving it ::bow::

Offline tundra_flier

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #768 on: January 11, 2007, 04:12:16 AM »
I had to reread that first joke with the blonde and the lawyer a couple of times from start to finish to get it but then it hit me, and that was awesome!!! At first I thought it was a joke about lawyers being even dumber than the stereotypical blonde, but I see this one as confirming that there are indeed intelligent blondes! I'm gonna send this to my best friend Chey (who's a blonde with a university degree), she's going to love it, like she did when I posted the hair colouring experiment thread :D  ::rofl::

The 3rd joke, like Jim's stamp joke was a classic, but I'm happy that 2nd joke isn't true for all chicks, or at least I hope not. Btw, the danish equivalent word for a chick (as in a woman you want to date) is "sild" and that's the danish word for a herring (fish)  ::rofl::

Btw, here's a practical joke I came up with a few days ago, have anyone done this already?

You're flying a small plane and you get some passengers who don't know you, maybe a taxiflight or something. When you're all in the plane and you're going to start the preperations for starting the plane and flight then you turn around and ask the passengers on the back seat to hand you the book on the backseat (which you conveniently put there before the passengers came) and that book's cover will read: Flying an Aircraft For Dummies - Moron Edition! (the cover designed to look like the real books in the series). To make the joke even better then make it as a small pamflet to really indicate how inadequate the book is to help  ::rofl:: ::rofl::
This is similar to the joke with one of the pilots from the tv-series Wings sat in the passengerseat with the passengers comming aboard, and then folding down his newspaper and pretending to be a passenger that didn't want to wait any longer and was about to fly the plane himself  ::rofl::
There's of course also the Chuck joke with him saying it's also his first time flying a helicopter for some very uneasy passengers  ::rofl::
NOTE: I would make sure the passengers weren't afraid of flying, unlike Chuck, so they wouldn't get too scared when they saw the book.

Frank

Frank
I actually know a pilot up here who did that.  He showed up the same time as his passengers, so took a seat in the passenger compartment.  He waited a bit, chatting with a couple other passengers, complaining about the late pilot.  Finally, he announced "Heck, I'll bet I can fly this thing!" and crawled up into the cockpit.   ::cowboy::

Phil

Offline Frank N. O.

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #769 on: January 11, 2007, 11:14:51 AM »
Phil:  ::rofl:: I so wish I could've seen their faces. I take it that he didn't need to wear a pilot uniform otherwise that joke would't have worked hehe.

Frank
"When once you have tasted flight, you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been, and there you will always long to return."
— Leonardo da Vinci

Offline Firegirl

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #770 on: January 11, 2007, 11:56:54 AM »
Has this one been posted yet??
(I didn't make it through all 50+ pages to check.... but it could have been in the women=evil section....)

A sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.  She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.   She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no," he replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.

"Tell him," she whispered, "there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room!"
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet you could shoot beer out of you nose.  --- Jack Handy

fireflyr

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #771 on: January 11, 2007, 12:32:25 PM »
Firegirl, you are DISGUSTING ::sick::
But that's why we love ya ::bow::

Offline Frank N. O.

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #772 on: January 11, 2007, 01:03:28 PM »
I must say, I've heard a lot of dirty jokes, Jackie "The Joke Man" Martlin and John Valby are two prime suspects (Jackie btw told that joke above in his act) but after Happy and Fire's posts I'm beginning to believe other comics (both male and female ones) when they say women are a lot more dirty than they seem to men  ::unbelieveable::  It's both interesting, attractive and off-putting at the same time, in short, women continue to be mysteries and just when I thought I'd figured them out, they throw a curveball and I'm still hooked  >:D ::angel:: ::bow:: |:)\

Frank
"When once you have tasted flight, you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been, and there you will always long to return."
— Leonardo da Vinci

fireflyr

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #773 on: January 11, 2007, 06:40:29 PM »
I must say, I've heard a lot of dirty jokes, Jackie "The Joke Man" Martlin and John Valby are two prime suspects (Jackie btw told that joke above in his act) but after Happy and Fire's posts I'm beginning to believe other comics (both male and female ones) when they say women are a lot more dirty than they seem to men  ::unbelieveable::  It's both interesting, attractive and off-putting at the same time, in short, women continue to be mysteries and just when I thought I'd figured them out, they throw a curveball and I'm still hooked  >:D ::angel:: ::bow:: |:)\

Frank
Oh Frank, don't EVEN talk about such things or they ("the women") will make you veeeery sorry! //insert smiley w/foot in mouth//


Offline Frank N. O.

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #774 on: January 11, 2007, 08:05:56 PM »
Just to make sure I understand that, I'm not surprised to say I love women if they are mysterious? Too late for that, they already know. Heck, I mostly worked on my student degree with my female classmates (ok partly also because most of them were smarter and more mature so work could be done) and even my best friend is female, I just enjoy being near nice women. I find them intelligent and insightful and of course many of them are also, in my humble opinion, very nice to look at (I mean the face btw, I am a gentleman after all, and I'm happy just being in the company of a nice woman, they are that wonderful  ::bow:: ). Do you think I'm lost?  ::rofl::

Frank
"When once you have tasted flight, you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been, and there you will always long to return."
— Leonardo da Vinci

fireflyr

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #775 on: January 11, 2007, 08:53:12 PM »
Just to make sure I understand that, I'm not surprised to say I love women if they are mysterious? Too late for that, they already know. Heck, I mostly worked on my student degree with my female classmates (ok partly also because most of them were smarter and more mature so work could be done) and even my best friend is female, I just enjoy being near nice women. I find them intelligent and insightful and of course many of them are also, in my humble opinion, very nice to look at (I mean the face btw, I am a gentleman after all, and I'm happy just being in the company of a nice woman, they are that wonderful  ::bow:: ). Do you think I'm lost?  ::rofl::

Frank
Not at all Frank--I'm just having fun ::whistle::

Offline happylanding

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #776 on: January 11, 2007, 09:44:00 PM »
New Answering Service Installed at Mental Health Institutes

"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5, and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until someone comes on the line.
If you are dyslexic, press 6969696969.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic-stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.
If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you."
I give that landing a 9 . . . on the Richter scale.

Offline happylanding

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #777 on: January 12, 2007, 08:47:30 AM »
Just to make sure I understand that, I'm not surprised to say I love women if they are mysterious? Too late for that, they already know. Heck, I mostly worked on my student degree with my female classmates (ok partly also because most of them were smarter and more mature so work could be done) and even my best friend is female, I just enjoy being near nice women. I find them intelligent and insightful and of course many of them are also, in my humble opinion, very nice to look at (I mean the face btw, I am a gentleman after all, and I'm happy just being in the company of a nice woman, they are that wonderful  ::bow:: ). Do you think I'm lost?  ::rofl::

Frank

Frank, I will tell you that the point about the fact that women are mysterious applies to men too.  ;D
I do not have a big number of female friend, I'm much more the type who prefer going out with beer buddies and I consider I've male friends, instead of females. one day, by the way, talking to my brother, who has tons of experience with females, he told me that I was mad and I probably did not have any beer buddy but just men around me who just wanted one thing...and I will censure the exact words he used :) Btw, facts have not given reason to such a postulate, until now and I'm qute sure, that, even if the advice comes from an "insider", it will not apply. But when I was involved into a relationship, the only one I've had, until so far, I noticed several times that certain things were - say - reversed. to give you examples, it is usually said that women expect men to "read into your mind", behaving as you would like or that we use subtle way to mean something or that we usually answer the question "is there something wrong?" with a no, when in fact, something is wrong and we expect the significant other to understand what it is wrong. I think I can say I never behaved such ways but I saw my former behaving several times alike. So, I dare say that in my life I applied in the most natural way, almost never thinking about a best possible answer that would have reflected a stereotyped way of thinking, but behaving as I would have, with the maximum flexibility and understanding and giving - in the meantme the maximum of freedom.  You wonder that when my relationship closed I was "accused" of not having understood the moods, the desires, the meanings and the needs of my significant other?!? and even worse, I was accused of not being jealous? letting the other do whatever he wanted?!?
ALso men are a mystery, let be assured! :)
I give that landing a 9 . . . on the Richter scale.

Offline TheSoccerMom

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #778 on: January 12, 2007, 09:59:36 PM »
Right on, Happy!!    ::bow::

And No, Frank, you're NOT lost!!       |:)\
Don't make me come back there!!!!

Offline happylanding

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #779 on: January 12, 2007, 10:27:29 PM »
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "NO! I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology, and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?!"
I give that landing a 9 . . . on the Richter scale.