Author Topic: Humor....I need Humor!  (Read 1403921 times)

Offline Mike

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1785 on: May 14, 2008, 10:19:03 PM »
This reminds me of the FAA somehow....

A Department of Water representative stopped at a ranch and talked
with an old rancher.
He told the rancher, 'I need to inspect your ranch for your water
allocation.'
The old rancher said, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'
The Water representative said, 'Mister, I have the authority of the
Federal Government with me.
See this card? The card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on
any agricultural land.
No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you
understand?' The old rancher nodded politely and went about his
chores.
Later, the old rancher heard loud screams and saw the Water Rep
running  for the fence.....and close behind was the rancher's bull.
The bull was gaining on the
Water Rep with every step.The Rep was clearly terrified...... so the
old rancher immediately threw down his tools, ran to the fence and
shouted out.....
 
'Your card! Your card! Show him your card!'


Dear IRS: Please cancel my subscription.

Offline gibbo_335

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1786 on: May 14, 2008, 10:36:16 PM »
HA HA HA HA HA Mike  ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl::
YEWWWwwwwwwwww

Offline G-man

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1787 on: May 15, 2008, 03:40:27 AM »
A lady walks into Tiffany's. She browses around and sees a beautiful diamond bracelet.
As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident.
As she turns around,her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing
right behind her .
Displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady, 'Good
day, Madam. How may we help you today?'
Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman didn't witness her little 'accident',
she asks, 'Sir,what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'
He answers, 'Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to shit when I tell you the price.'
Life may not be the party we hoped for---but while we're here--we might as well dance..........

Offline Rooster Cruiser

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1788 on: May 15, 2008, 04:05:39 AM »
LMFAO, G-Man!!!   ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl::

I'm gonna have to email that to all my rude buddies!   >:D >:D >:D |:)\ |:)\ |:)\

Yanno something, G?  You're a real "Gasser"!!!  <EG>

RC
"Me and Earl was haulin' chickens / On a flatbed outta Wiggins..."

Wolf Creek Pass, by CW McCall

Offline PiperGirl

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1789 on: May 15, 2008, 12:23:37 PM »
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in DC: 
One is from New York , another is from Tennessee and the third is from
Florida  .
All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.
The  Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.  "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run  about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for  my crew and $100 profit for me."
The  Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300  for materials, $300 for my crew and $100  profit for me." 
The New York contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the 
White House official and whispers,  "$2,700."
The official, incredulous,  says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"
The New York contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me,  $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."
"Done!" replies the  government official.

And that, my friends, is how government contracting works! 
No guilt in life, no fear in death /This is the power of Christ in me /From life’s first cry to final breath /Jesus commands my destiny~ Newsboys "In Christ Alone"

Offline PiperGirl

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1790 on: May 15, 2008, 12:34:06 PM »
A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the
Pearly Gates,
  He saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.  He asked, 'What are all those
Clocks?'
 
  St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a
Lie-Clock.
  Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move.'
 
  'Oh,' said the man, 'whose clock is that?'
 
  'That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she
Never told a lie.'
 
  'Incredible,' said the man. 'And whose clock is that one?'
 
  St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved
Twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire Life.'
 
  'Where's  Hillary Clinton's  clock?' asked the man.
 
  'Hillary's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan.'
No guilt in life, no fear in death /This is the power of Christ in me /From life’s first cry to final breath /Jesus commands my destiny~ Newsboys "In Christ Alone"

Offline G-man

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1791 on: May 18, 2008, 01:28:14 PM »
And now we all know:  ::whistle:: ::whistle:: ::whistle:: ::whistle::

Life may not be the party we hoped for---but while we're here--we might as well dance..........

airtac

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1792 on: May 18, 2008, 02:15:40 PM »
Thanks Gordy, that sure cleared up a major issue for me-----revelation of such data makes me emotional :'(

*sigh* one less uncertainty..................

Offline Rooster Cruiser

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1793 on: May 18, 2008, 02:52:50 PM »
Dang, Gordy.  At this time of the morning on a Sunday, I'd expect you to be out fishing!   ::whistle:: ::whistle:: ::whistle:: ::whistle::
"Me and Earl was haulin' chickens / On a flatbed outta Wiggins..."

Wolf Creek Pass, by CW McCall

Offline Oddball

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1794 on: May 18, 2008, 03:05:00 PM »
rather be out flying.....and i was  ;D
"You can teach monkeys to fly better than that!"and "spring chicken to sh**e hawk in one easy lesson"

Offline FlyboyGil

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1795 on: May 18, 2008, 04:49:54 PM »
Found this in a bluebox

Foul ball(s)?  ::whistle:: ::whistle:: ::whistle::

« Last Edit: May 18, 2008, 04:55:54 PM by FlyboyGil »
IF YOU CAN'T SAY ANYTHING NICE, YOU'RE PROBABLY AT THE ICE CAPADES

Offline G-man

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Life may not be the party we hoped for---but while we're here--we might as well dance..........

airtac

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1797 on: May 20, 2008, 03:12:58 PM »





Subject: THE CHICKEN



BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The chicken wanted CHANGE!


JOHN McCAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.


HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure -- right from Day One! -- that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me...


GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.


COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road...


ANDERSON COOPER - CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.


JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it. DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE'of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems.


OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.


NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in hiseyes and the way he walks.


PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.


MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.


DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.


ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain. Alone.


JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth? That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.


GRANDPA AIRTAC:  In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.


BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.


ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.


JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.


BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of the Chicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra... #R&^*^(!.... Reboot.


ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?


BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?


AL GORE: I invented the chicken!


COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?


DICK CHENEY: Where 's my gun?


AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.


STEFAN & MIKE:  We'll just draw him on the other side.


ROOSTER CRUISER: I'll run over the little  b#*#!%d  if he tries crossing.




 

« Last Edit: May 20, 2008, 03:31:46 PM by airtac »

Offline Oddball

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1798 on: May 20, 2008, 04:41:55 PM »
was Hilary Clinton under fire while she helped the chicken cross the road?
"You can teach monkeys to fly better than that!"and "spring chicken to sh**e hawk in one easy lesson"

Offline G-man

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1799 on: May 20, 2008, 07:13:25 PM »
Yeah..Like this is really going to give me a reason to give up drinking.. ::whistle:: ::drinking:: ::drinking::

Life may not be the party we hoped for---but while we're here--we might as well dance..........