Author Topic: Humor....I need Humor!  (Read 1403494 times)

Offline tundra_flier

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2100 on: May 08, 2009, 12:27:13 AM »
I'll have a big Mac with no pickles, a Bud and super size it please!   ::rofl::

Offline Rooster Cruiser

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The Middle Wife
« Reply #2101 on: May 09, 2009, 12:17:58 AM »
The 'Middle Wife' by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself,
but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade
classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few
sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually,
show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model
airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never,
ever place any
boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school
and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing
kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a
pillow stuffed under her sweater.

She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother,
and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.'

'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love,
and then Dad
put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for
nine months through an umbrella cord.'

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not
to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching
her in amazement.

'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh,
Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans.. 'She walked
around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is
doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)

' My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't
have a sign on the car like the domino's man. They got my Mom to lie
down in bed like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the
wall.)

'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in
case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed,
like psshhheew!' (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands
miming water flowing away.. It was too much!)

'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe,
breathe.
They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a
sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they
all said it was from Mom's play-center, (placenta) so there must be a
lot of
toys inside there. When he got o
ut, the middle wife spanked him for
crawling up in there.'

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her
seat.
I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's
show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another ' Middle
Wife' comes along.

 ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl::
« Last Edit: May 09, 2009, 12:22:01 AM by Rooster Cruiser »
"Me and Earl was haulin' chickens / On a flatbed outta Wiggins..."

Wolf Creek Pass, by CW McCall

Offline FlyboyGil

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2102 on: May 27, 2009, 10:14:53 PM »
People are more opposed to wearing fur than leather, because it's safer to heckle a rich lady wearing fur, then it is to heckle a motorcycle gang wearing leather!
IF YOU CAN'T SAY ANYTHING NICE, YOU'RE PROBABLY AT THE ICE CAPADES

Offline BrianGMFS

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2103 on: May 28, 2009, 01:16:22 AM »
People are more opposed to wearing fur than leather, because it's safer to heckle a rich lady wearing fur, then it is to heckle a motorcycle gang wearing leather!

So very true  ::bow::

-

"Take my love, take my land. Take me where I cannot stand. Burn the land and boil the sea, you can't take the sky from me."

Offline G-man

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2104 on: June 01, 2009, 08:14:08 PM »
A man feared his wife Gloria wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss. Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Peg, what's for dinner?'

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for dinner?' Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. 'Peg, what's for dinner?'

(I just love this)

'Frank , for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!'
Life may not be the party we hoped for---but while we're here--we might as well dance..........

Offline Plthijnx

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2105 on: June 03, 2009, 02:21:01 AM »
man this thread is great! nice to know it's still flying after all this time! trust me! i could use the laughs!
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown

Offline Stef

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2106 on: June 03, 2009, 01:34:03 PM »
Plthijnx!!!!! Wow! You're still out there somewhere!! Long time no see!!!   ::wave::  ::wave::  |:)\

Offline Mike

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2107 on: June 03, 2009, 06:43:52 PM »
man this thread is great! nice to know it's still flying after all this time! trust me! i could use the laughs!

It's the most viewed and frequented thread at CW, probably of any thread in any forum out there!!!

welcome back dude!!  ::wave::


Dear IRS: Please cancel my subscription.

Offline Plthijnx

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2108 on: June 03, 2009, 09:23:58 PM »
yeah, thanks guys, it's great to be back!
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown

Offline Fabo

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2109 on: June 04, 2009, 05:21:36 AM »
Wow, this forum gets a lot of returns lately!
"When once you have tasted flight, you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been, and there you will always long to return."

Offline Oddball

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2110 on: June 04, 2009, 07:06:18 AM »
Don't you know Fabo.......Once you join CW you CAN NEVER LEAVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"You can teach monkeys to fly better than that!"and "spring chicken to sh**e hawk in one easy lesson"

Offline Rooster Cruiser

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2111 on: June 04, 2009, 02:42:39 PM »
This just makes me so proud of the education our medical people
receive...




1 . She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was
very hot in bed last night.
2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it
disappeared.
4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be
depressed.
5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission..
7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but
forgetful.
8. The patient refused autopsy.
9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with
only 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. Between you and
me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
14. Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might
like to work her up.
15. She is numb from her toes down.
16. While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
17. The skin was moist and dry.
18. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
19. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
20. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid. (what?)
21. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life,
until she got a divorce.
22. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical
therapy.
23. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
24. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
25. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
26. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job
as a stockbroker  instead.
27. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
28. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
29. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should
sit on the abdomen I agree.
30. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
31. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
"Me and Earl was haulin' chickens / On a flatbed outta Wiggins..."

Wolf Creek Pass, by CW McCall

Offline AirScorp

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2112 on: June 05, 2009, 02:38:51 PM »
This one for SoccerMom
It's all Greek to me!

Offline TheSoccerMom

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2113 on: June 05, 2009, 05:12:23 PM »
Awww, looks just like the new jumpers we hire!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"C'mon, get IN the airplane, it's OKAY, really....!"    :P

How're things going with you Nick??  Great, I hope!!

Thanks for the great picture....   :D

 ;D
Don't make me come back there!!!!

Offline mtnman

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2114 on: June 05, 2009, 06:13:13 PM »
When I was a child, I read and listened to children's fairy tales,
which I learned always began with the phrase:
       "Once upon a time......".   :)

Now that I am an adult, I read and listen to grown-up fairy tales,
which I have learned always begin with the phrase:
       "When I am elected......".   ::banghead::

 ::rofl::
sunday, monday, tuesday, wednesday, thursday, friday, saturday....see, there is no "someday"!