Author Topic: Humor....I need Humor!  (Read 1403901 times)

airtac

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1845 on: June 04, 2008, 02:08:56 PM »
Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of
the night. Mick, the bartender, says 'You'll not be drinking any more
tonight, Paddy.'


Paddy replies 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then'. Paddy spins around on
his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. 'What the....' he
says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.


He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face again.
'Dang!' he says.


He looks to the doorway and thinks that if he can just get to the door
and get some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and
shimmies up the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a
deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto
the pavement and falls flat on his face.

'B'Jesus... I'm soused,' he says.


He can see his house just a few doors down, and decides to try for it.
He crawls down the street and shimmies up the door frame, opens the
door and looks inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says, 'No
flappin' way.'


But he somehow crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and thinks, 'I
think
I can make it to the bed.' He takes a step into the room and falls
flat on his face again. He says, 'This is awful. I gotta stop
drinking,' but manages to crawl to the bed and fall in.


The next morning, his wife comes into the room carrying a cup of
coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last
night?'

Paddy says, 'I did Jess. I was totally smashed. But how'd you know?'



 'Mick called.. You left your wheelchair at the pub.'
 


Offline TheSoccerMom

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1846 on: June 04, 2008, 04:43:53 PM »
Ohhh Daddy, you made me laugh!!!!!!!!!!!!

I wish my old Montana buddy (who as in a wheelchair for 45+ years) was still around...  he'd love this one!!!    ;)

 ;)
Don't make me come back there!!!!

Offline FlyboyGil

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1847 on: June 06, 2008, 11:04:22 PM »
    David  Bissonette 
    When  a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him  keep her. 


Sacha  Guitry
 After  marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just  can't face each other, but still they stay together. 

By  all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you  get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

     
>     Socrates
    Woman  inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. 

>      Dumas 
The great question... which I have not  been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want? 
   
>      Sigmund  Freud
>     I had some words with my wife, and  she had some paragraphs with me. 

>     Anonymous 
>     "Some  people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to  a restaurant two times a     week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft  music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." 

>       Sam  Kinison
>     "There's a way of transferring funds  that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called  marriage." 

 Holt McGavran
>     "I've  had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second  one didn't." 

>         Patrick  Murray
>     Two secrets to keep your marriage  brimming
>     1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
>     2. Whenever  you're right, shut up. 

>         Nash 
>     The most effective way to remember your  wife's birthday is to forget it once... 

>     Anonymous 
>     You  know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. 
 
>     Henny  Youngman
>     My  wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. 
 
>       Rodney  Dangerfield
>     A  good wife always forgives her husband when she's  wrong. 

>     Anonymous 
>     A  man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day  he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can  have mine." 

>         Anonymous 
>     First Guy (proudly): "My  wife's an angel!"
>     Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still  alive."
« Last Edit: June 06, 2008, 11:06:08 PM by FlyboyGil »
IF YOU CAN'T SAY ANYTHING NICE, YOU'RE PROBABLY AT THE ICE CAPADES

Offline Frank N. O.

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1848 on: June 07, 2008, 03:02:48 AM »
While talking with Soccermom in the chat last night where she made me feel better over all that's happening in my life, I came up with the line "The Sky's not the Limit, it's the start". After that then I thought of another modification of a classic line, or rather joke. Not sure if it's really funny but here goes (and for the record, this is strictly a joke and not intended to be offensive against people who help to make sure the skies are as safe as possible (a group that also include mechanics and controllers) |:)\ )
"If god had wanted man to fly, he wouldn't have invented the FAA"
How's that? I mean, I know it's not perfect but neither is the joke that goes "If god had wanted man to fly, he'd given us more money" because many people have enough money to fly, or to pay for a license to get paid to fly, oh yeah just when I wrote that I just remembered that I really want a poster of the line about it's priceless to fly even if pays less than flipping burgers, I wonder if that's in the print shop, I'll ask Stef about that, I also remember I had another idea I forgot to post.

Frank
"When once you have tasted flight, you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been, and there you will always long to return."
Leonardo da Vinci

Offline Mike

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1849 on: June 07, 2008, 03:22:48 AM »

"If god had wanted man to fly, he wouldn't have invented the FAA"


How's about this for a strip:

A: If god didn't want us to fly, why did he give us the Wright Brothers?
B: Yes, but why did he give us the FAA afterwards?
 ::rofl::

any more suggestions?


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Offline Rooster Cruiser

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1850 on: June 07, 2008, 05:33:41 AM »

"If god had wanted man to fly, he wouldn't have invented the FAA"


How's about this for a strip:

A: If god didn't want us to fly, why did he give us the Wright Brothers?
B: Yes, but why did he give us the FAA afterwards?
 ::rofl::

any more suggestions?

OK, this one is over my head fer sure!   ::silly::  Maybe if I drink a few brewskis it'll begin to make sense.  Hehe.   ::drinking:: ::drinking:: ::drinking::

Meantime, here is a variant of an old English saying that I think is worth repeating here:

"I complained because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no Credit Cards."

Think about that one for a while, it actually makes sense!   ;D 8) |:)\
"Me and Earl was haulin' chickens / On a flatbed outta Wiggins..."

Wolf Creek Pass, by CW McCall

airtac

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1851 on: June 07, 2008, 02:47:18 PM »
You should move this thread to "I ingested something weird and said something weirder"................... ::whistle::

airtac

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1852 on: June 11, 2008, 09:03:03 PM »
 teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home.
�She read ... 'and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'

The teacher paused then asked the class:

'And what do you think the man said?'

One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly

...'I think the man would have said - 'Well, f*ck me!! A talking pig!'


Offline G-man

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1853 on: June 11, 2008, 09:34:37 PM »

...'I think the man would have said - 'Well, f*ck me!! A talking pig!'

Like it  ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl::
Life may not be the party we hoped for---but while we're here--we might as well dance..........

Offline G-man

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1854 on: June 13, 2008, 04:39:47 AM »

Life may not be the party we hoped for---but while we're here--we might as well dance..........

Offline TheSoccerMom

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1855 on: June 13, 2008, 04:09:21 PM »
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAA, G-Man, we're all cracking up over the weatherman!!  TOO good. 
(P.S.  What station is that, by the way??)    ::whistle::

==========================================================
Just heard a good one from the ramp guys up here...  I just gotta share:


Question:    When you're talking about Pilots, what's a 120 IQ mean??


Answer:  A flight of Four.....     ::whistle::           ::whistle::            ::rofl::
    ::rofl::

« Last Edit: June 13, 2008, 05:02:26 PM by TheSoccerMom »
Don't make me come back there!!!!

Offline Mike

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1856 on: June 13, 2008, 10:56:18 PM »
an old classic, but it makes me laugh every time...    ::rofl::

YOU'VE GOTTA LOVE DRUNK PEOPLE

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of you rself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed , and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.


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Offline FlyboyGil

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1857 on: June 14, 2008, 09:35:42 PM »
U.S. Special Forces

The Pentagon announced TODAY the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the
United States Redneck Special Forces (USRSF)


These boys will be dropped off in  Iraq  and have been given  only the following facts about terrorists :

1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.   
3. They taste just like chicken. 
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.   
5. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt.

The Pentagon expects the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday.
IF YOU CAN'T SAY ANYTHING NICE, YOU'RE PROBABLY AT THE ICE CAPADES

Offline Oddball

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1858 on: June 14, 2008, 10:17:47 PM »
and that was jsut his side arm!!  ::unbelieveable:: ::eek:: ::loony::
"You can teach monkeys to fly better than that!"and "spring chicken to sh**e hawk in one easy lesson"

airtac

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1859 on: June 16, 2008, 02:42:56 AM »
Four old retired guys were walking down a street in Wickenburg , Arizona
They turned a corner and see a sign that says, 'Old Timers Bar - all drinks 10 cents.'

They look at each other, and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, 'Come on in and let me pour one for you!

What'll it be, Gentlemen?'

There seemed to be a fully-stocked bar, so each of the men ask for a
martini. In short order, the bartender serves up four iced martinis...
Shaken, not stirred, and says, 'That'll be 10 cents each, please.'

The four men stare at the bartender for a moment, then look at each other...
They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their
martinis, and order another round.

Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again saying 'That's 40 cents, please'

They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can stand.

They have each had two martinis, and so far they've spent less than a
dollar. Finally one of the men says, 'How can you afford to serve martinis
as good as these for a dime a piece?'

'I'm a retired tailor from Boston ,' the bartender said, 'and I always
wanted to own my own bar.  Last year I hit the Lottery for $25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime - wine, liquor, beer, it's all the same.'

Wow!!!! That's quite a story,' says one of the men.

The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice seven other people at the end of the bar who didn't have drinks in front of them, and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there. One man gestures at the seven men at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender, 'What's with them?'


The bartender says, 'Oh, they're retired airline pilots .  They're waiting for happy hour, when drinks are half price.'