Author Topic: Humor....I need Humor!  (Read 1389972 times)

Offline Rooster Cruiser

  • Alpha Rooster
  • *****
  • Posts: 1996
  • Retired Chicken Hauler
The Woman Marine Fighter Pilot
« Reply #2235 on: February 02, 2010, 08:28:06 PM »
The Woman Marine Fighter Pilot

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:  Get their parents to
 tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.  The next day, the kids
 came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.
 
 There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved.
 But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.
 
 "Janie, do you have a story to share?' ''Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story
 about my Mommy.  She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got
 hit.  She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask
 of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
 
 She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then
 her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. 
 
 She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed
 four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last
 Iraqi with her bare hands.
 
 ''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher.  'What did your Daddy tell you
 was the moral to this horrible story?
 
 "Stay away from Mommy when she's been drinking."
"Me and Earl was haulin' chickens / On a flatbed outta Wiggins..."

Wolf Creek Pass, by CW McCall

Offline gibbo_335

  • Alpha Rooster
  • *****
  • Posts: 1020
  • Flying the NT
Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2236 on: February 02, 2010, 09:21:09 PM »
 ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: R/C  ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl::
 ::bow::
YEWWWwwwwwwwww

Offline Rooster Cruiser

  • Alpha Rooster
  • *****
  • Posts: 1996
  • Retired Chicken Hauler
Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2237 on: February 05, 2010, 08:41:58 PM »
Why are wedding dresses white?


Son asked his mother the following question:

"Mom, why are wedding dresses white?" The mother looks at her son and
replies,

"Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure."

The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.

"Dad why are wedding dresses white?"

The father looks at his son in surprise and says,


"Son, all household appliances come in white."
"Me and Earl was haulin' chickens / On a flatbed outta Wiggins..."

Wolf Creek Pass, by CW McCall

Offline Oddball

  • Chicken Farmer
  • Alpha Rooster
  • *****
  • Posts: 2414
  • I crash better than anybody I know
    • Myspace profile
Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2238 on: February 05, 2010, 10:55:35 PM »
And then the fight started...............again,

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place expensive... So, I took her to a petrol station.
 And then the fight started...

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds....'
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started....

My wife sat down on the seat next to me as I was flipping channels.. She asked,
'What's on TV?'
 I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...



"You can teach monkeys to fly better than that!"and "spring chicken to sh**e hawk in one easy lesson"

Offline Oddball

  • Chicken Farmer
  • Alpha Rooster
  • *****
  • Posts: 2414
  • I crash better than anybody I know
    • Myspace profile
Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2239 on: February 06, 2010, 01:10:54 PM »
The Laws of Life:
Gumperson's Law:
The probability of anything happening is in inverse ratio to it's desirability.
Mohr's Law of restrained involvement:
Don't get any on you.
Firestone's Law of forecasting:
Chicken Little only has to be right once.
Sander's Rumination:
Life is a game, the object of which is to discover the object of the game.
Chesterton's observation:
I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
Grierson's Law of minimal self-delusion:
Every man nourishes within himself a secret plan for getting rich, that will not work.
Radar's Fundamental Truth:
The grass is brown on both sides of the fence.
O's Law:
No matter what stage of completion one reaches in a project, the cost of the remainder of the project remains the same.
Captain Risser's Law:
If it's in stock, we have it!
Nowlun's Truism:
An "acceptable level of employment" means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable, still has a job.
The Law of Xerox:
Anything important loses it's value soon after being copied.
The Golden Rule:
Whoever has the gold makes the rules.
The first Law of Management:
Kickbacks must always exceed bribes.
Jiminez' Maxim:
If they give you ruled paper, write the other way.
"You can teach monkeys to fly better than that!"and "spring chicken to sh**e hawk in one easy lesson"

Offline gibbo_335

  • Alpha Rooster
  • *****
  • Posts: 1020
  • Flying the NT
Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2240 on: February 27, 2010, 08:53:24 AM »
SCHOOL -- then vs. now

Scenario :
Jack goes rabbit shooting before school,
pulls into school parking lot with rifle in gun rack.

Then - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's rifle,  goes to his car and gets his rifle & chats with Jack about guns.

Now - School goes into lock down, Team America  ;) called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his ute or gun again.. Counsellors called in for traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario:
Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.

Then - Crowd gathers. Mark wins.  Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.

Now - Police called, arrests Johnny and Mark.   Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it. Both children go to anger management programs for 3 months.
         School board hold meeting to impliment bullying prevention programs
 
Scenario:
Robbie won't be still in class, disrupts other students.

Then - Robbie sent to office and given 6 of the best by the Principal.  Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

Now - Robbie given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. Robbie's parents get fortnightly disability payments and School gets extra funding from state because Robbie has a disability.

 Scenario :
Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

Then - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

Now - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison.
         
Scenario :
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.

Then - Mark gets glass of water from Principal to take aspirin with.

Now - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons. 

Scenario :
Pedro fails high school English.

Then - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college.

Now - Pedro's cause is taken up by state.  Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist.   
         AFRE files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum.       
         Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English. 

Scenario :
Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a bullant nest.

Then - Ants die.

Now - Team America  ;) , Federal Police & Anti-terrorism Squad called.    Johnny charged with  domestic terrorism, Feds investigate parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated. 
Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario :
Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Miss Mooney.  Mary hugs him to comfort him.

Then - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing..

Now - Miss Mooney is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in Prison.  Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.
 ::loony:: ::loony:: ::loony:: ::loony:: ::loony:: ::loony:: ::loony:: ::loony:: ::loony:: ::loony:: ::loony:: ::loony::
« Last Edit: February 27, 2010, 08:56:45 AM by gibbo_335 »
YEWWWwwwwwwwww

Offline Oddball

  • Chicken Farmer
  • Alpha Rooster
  • *****
  • Posts: 2414
  • I crash better than anybody I know
    • Myspace profile
Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2241 on: February 27, 2010, 12:45:37 PM »
Scenario:
Robbie won't be still in class, disrupts other students.

Then - Robbie sent to office and given 6 of the best by the Principal.  Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

Now - Robbie given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. Robbie's parents get fortnightly disability payments and School gets extra funding from state because Robbie has a disability.
 
You forgot to put in Robbie becomes a pilot   ::whistle:: ::whistle::
"You can teach monkeys to fly better than that!"and "spring chicken to sh**e hawk in one easy lesson"

Offline TheSoccerMom

  • Chicken Farmer
  • Alpha Rooster
  • *****
  • Posts: 2590
Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2242 on: February 28, 2010, 03:05:42 AM »
...... Team America  ;) called....   

DAMN STRAIGHT Gibby!!!!!!!!

 ::rambo::

Don't make me come back there!!!!

Offline gibbo_335

  • Alpha Rooster
  • *****
  • Posts: 1020
  • Flying the NT
Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2243 on: February 28, 2010, 05:57:28 AM »
 ::whistle:: Mom I did change it a little to suit the forum  |:)\ |:)\ |:)\ ;D
« Last Edit: February 28, 2010, 07:04:22 PM by gibbo_335 »
YEWWWwwwwwwwww

Offline Firegirl

  • Cockerel
  • ***
  • Posts: 171
Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2244 on: March 12, 2010, 11:56:51 PM »

> A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.

> 'Human beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says.

> A little girl raises her hand. 'I  had a kitty-cat who stuttered.'

> The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

> 'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running
> start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'

> 'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.

> 'It sure was,' said the little  girl. 'My kitty raised her back, went Sssss, Sssss,  Sssss' and before
> she could say 'S h i t,' the Rottweiler ate her!

> The teacher had to leave the room.
 
 ::rofl:: ::rofl::
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet you could shoot beer out of you nose.  --- Jack Handy

Offline Jean Loup

  • Cockerel
  • ***
  • Posts: 179
  • born under an obnoxious star
    • jean, the barefooted D.i.Y'er
Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2245 on: April 01, 2010, 03:31:16 PM »
ANN's Daily Aero-Term (04.01.10)

Pilot |:)\

A TeleVison program that is produced as a "proof of concept" for potential series ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl::

Offline TheSoccerMom

  • Chicken Farmer
  • Alpha Rooster
  • *****
  • Posts: 2590
Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2246 on: April 10, 2010, 08:54:56 PM »
Aviation & Airplane put to Good Use:



Don't make me come back there!!!!

Offline FlyboyGil

  • Alpha Rooster
  • *****
  • Posts: 1640
  • AW, CRAP!!!
    • MYSPACE!!!
Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2247 on: April 20, 2010, 10:11:23 PM »
During a company's recent password audit, it was found that a blonde employee was using the following password:

"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"

When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.
IF YOU CAN'T SAY ANYTHING NICE, YOU'RE PROBABLY AT THE ICE CAPADES

Offline gibbo_335

  • Alpha Rooster
  • *****
  • Posts: 1020
  • Flying the NT
Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2248 on: April 22, 2010, 06:34:27 AM »
 Hey i just posted that on FB  ::silly::
YEWWWwwwwwwwww

Offline Rooster Cruiser

  • Alpha Rooster
  • *****
  • Posts: 1996
  • Retired Chicken Hauler
Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2249 on: April 22, 2010, 06:38:04 AM »
Hey i just posted that on FB  ::silly::

I saw that.  I emailed it to just about all my friends that don't routinely frequent CW.   |:)\

RC
"Me and Earl was haulin' chickens / On a flatbed outta Wiggins..."

Wolf Creek Pass, by CW McCall