Author Topic: Humor....I need Humor!  (Read 1389927 times)

Offline PiperGirl

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1155 on: August 29, 2007, 08:57:44 PM »
I had heard these before, but they were just forwarded to me again, and made me laugh... so here you go. :)

For everyone who has ever had a job evaluation -  Hopefully you had it better than this.

These are actual quotes taken  from National government employee performance  evaluations:

1. "Since my last report, this employee has  reached rock-bottom and has started to dig"

2. "I would  not allow this employee to breed."

3. "This employee is really  not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't  be."

4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered  like a rat in a trap."

5. "When he opens his mouth, it  seems that it is only to change feet."

6. "This young lady  has delusions of adequacy."

7. "He sets low personal standards  and then consistently fails to achieve them."

8. "This  employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts  the better."

10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic  thingy to hold it all together."

11. "A gross ignoramus -  144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

12. "He  doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

13. "I would like to go  hunting with him sometime."

14. "He's been working with glue too  much."

15. "He would argue with a signpost."

16.  "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

17. "When  his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

18. "If you see two people  talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."

19. "A  photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

20. "A  prime candidate for natural de-selection."

21. "Donated his brain  to science before he was done using it."

22. "Gates are down,  the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming." (my personal favorite)

23.  "He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for  it."

24. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered  twice a week."

25. "If you give him a penny for his  thoughts, you'd get change."

26. "If you stand close enough to  him, you can hear the ocean."

27. "It's hard to believe he beat  out 1,000,000 other sperm."

28. "One neuron short of a  synapse."

29. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only  gargled."

30. "Takes him 2 hours to watch  60-minutes."
No guilt in life, no fear in death /This is the power of Christ in me /From life’s first cry to final breath /Jesus commands my destiny~ Newsboys "In Christ Alone"

Offline Rooster Cruiser

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Groaners...
« Reply #1156 on: August 30, 2007, 06:05:28 AM »
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.

 The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

 

 2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

 

 3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

 

 4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

 

 5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says "A beer please, and one for the road."

 

 

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

 

 

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.

 "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."

 "Is it common?"

 "Well, it's not unusual."

 

 8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning.

 "I don't believe you, "says Dolly.

 "It's true, no bull!"

 

 9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

 

 10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

 

 

 11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

 

 12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"

         The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

 

 13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

 

 14. What do you call a fish with no eyes?  A fsh.

 

 15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!"

 

 16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

 

 17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

 

"But why?", they asked, as they moved off.

 

"Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

 

 

18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan."

 

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.

 

Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

 

 19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

 

This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

 

 

 And finally,

 

20. There was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh.

 No pun in ten did.
 
"Me and Earl was haulin' chickens / On a flatbed outta Wiggins..."

Wolf Creek Pass, by CW McCall

Offline AirScorp

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1157 on: August 30, 2007, 11:36:49 AM »
I think I blew a circuit.. Bzzzzt!
It's all Greek to me!

Offline Frank N. O.

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1158 on: August 30, 2007, 09:51:06 PM »
Hahahahaha, I love number 10!!!  ::rofl:: That would be useful as a reply to an over-boasting pilot:

You: I think I'm experiencing Deja-Moo
Pilot: Deja-Moo?
You: Yeah, I think I've hear this bull before!

Frank
"When once you have tasted flight, you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been, and there you will always long to return."
— Leonardo da Vinci

Offline Rooster Cruiser

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1159 on: August 30, 2007, 10:37:49 PM »
Hahahahaha, I love number 10!!!  ::rofl:: That would be useful as a reply to an over-boasting pilot:

You: I think I'm experiencing Deja-Moo
Pilot: Deja-Moo?
You: Yeah, I think I've hear this bull before!

Frank
As a matter of fact, I had to use this one just this morning while I was visiting the airport!  Hehe.
"Me and Earl was haulin' chickens / On a flatbed outta Wiggins..."

Wolf Creek Pass, by CW McCall

Offline Rooster Cruiser

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1160 on: August 30, 2007, 10:43:41 PM »
Red Tomatoes

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red.

One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?" The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."

Well, the woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best.

One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?" No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous!
« Last Edit: August 30, 2007, 10:46:04 PM by Rooster Cruiser »
"Me and Earl was haulin' chickens / On a flatbed outta Wiggins..."

Wolf Creek Pass, by CW McCall

Offline Rooster Cruiser

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1161 on: August 30, 2007, 10:57:36 PM »
The Quickie

Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office.... but she was dating someone else.  One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, "I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you..."

The girl looked at him, then said, "NO."

Eddie said, "I'll be real fast.  I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up."  She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend.... so she called him and explained the situation.  Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the money really fast.  He won't even be able to get his pants down."  She agreed and accepted the proposal. 

Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call.  Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls  and asks what happened....?  Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, "The bastard had all quarters!"

Management lesson:
Always consider a business proposition in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed

"Me and Earl was haulin' chickens / On a flatbed outta Wiggins..."

Wolf Creek Pass, by CW McCall

Offline arandomguy

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1162 on: August 31, 2007, 03:53:49 PM »
The Quickie

Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office.... but she was dating someone else.  One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, "I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you..."

The girl looked at him, then said, "NO."

Eddie said, "I'll be real fast.  I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up."  She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend.... so she called him and explained the situation.  Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the money really fast.  He won't even be able to get his pants down."  She agreed and accepted the proposal. 

Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call.  Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls  and asks what happened....?  Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, "The bastard had all quarters!"

Management lesson:
Always consider a business proposition in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed





 ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: it could have been worse, he could have had pennies
so basically I'm just some random guy who joined this cause i felt like it, yay first solo, me and my bro did it the same day!

Offline FlyboyGil

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1163 on: August 31, 2007, 08:52:43 PM »
 A retired corporate executive, now a widower, decided
to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean
Cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that
is, until the ship sank. He found himself on an island
with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only
bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one
day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen
rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks, "Where did
you come from? How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed from the other side of the island.
I landed here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have
a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat
out of raw material I found on the island. The oars
were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the
bottom from palm branches , and the sides and stern
came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman.
"On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum
of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a
certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile
iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make
the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says. After a few
minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf.

As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat.
Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite
bungalow painted in blue and white.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly
woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead,
dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says
casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down,
please. Would you like a drink?"

" No! No thank you," he blurts out, still dazed "I can't
take another drop of coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a
still. How would you like a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man
accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.

After they have exchanged their stories, the woman
announces, "I'm going to slip into something more
comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and
shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom
cabinet."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into
the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, a razor made
from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed
to a hollow ground edge is fastened on to its end
inside a swivel mechanism. "This woman is
amazing," he muses. "What next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing
but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling
faintly of gardenias. She beckons for hi m to sit
down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer
to him, "We've been out here for many months.
You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure
you really feel like doing right now, something
you've been longing for?" She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean . . "
he swallows excitedly and tears start to form in
his eyes.

"Don't tell me you've built a Golf Course!"
IF YOU CAN'T SAY ANYTHING NICE, YOU'RE PROBABLY AT THE ICE CAPADES

Offline AirScorp

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1164 on: August 31, 2007, 11:10:09 PM »
Mr. Niagara WHO?????????  ::sweat::
It's all Greek to me!

Offline chuckar101

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1165 on: September 01, 2007, 04:39:59 AM »
A Mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up.

Then she saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Mom' With the worst premonition she opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.


Dear Mom,:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Mom she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Mom. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love,
Your Son Jon


P.S. Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer.

I love you.
Call me when it's safe to come home.
WOW I did that!

Offline arandomguy

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1166 on: September 01, 2007, 10:44:20 AM »
chuckar101, i wonder if that works in real like, i guess i'll try it for when i get my report card  >:D
so basically I'm just some random guy who joined this cause i felt like it, yay first solo, me and my bro did it the same day!

Offline Fabo

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1167 on: September 03, 2007, 04:53:53 PM »
They jsut got online reports running at my school (D'OH!!!!!)

I have heard this about girl anyway.
"When once you have tasted flight, you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been, and there you will always long to return."

Offline gibbo_335

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1168 on: September 04, 2007, 05:25:15 AM »
I SO KNOW this feeling  ;D ;D ;D...oopss sorry Dear  ;)
YEWWWwwwwwwwww

Offline PiperGirl

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1169 on: September 04, 2007, 06:52:52 PM »
Two blind pilots were both wearing dark glasses. One is using a guide dog and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.

 Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. 

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge  of the airport. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into  the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.

At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly and soon all retreat into their magazines,  secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "Ya know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die"
No guilt in life, no fear in death /This is the power of Christ in me /From life’s first cry to final breath /Jesus commands my destiny~ Newsboys "In Christ Alone"