Author Topic: Humor....I need Humor!  (Read 1389924 times)

Offline SteepTurn

  • Cockerel
  • ***
  • Posts: 114
Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #375 on: June 09, 2006, 04:59:09 AM »
Julio's law: If you disassemble and reassemble anything often enough, at the end you'll have two of it!!
for climbing --> pull ** for decending --> continue pulling

Offline happylanding

  • Alpha Rooster
  • *****
  • Posts: 1079
Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #376 on: June 09, 2006, 07:34:22 AM »
Julio's law: If you disassemble and reassemble anything often enough, at the end you'll have two of it!!

HAHAHA!!........... I'm not sure it's highly related to the frequency of assemblage, but to DIY capabilities......
I give that landing a 9 . . . on the Richter scale.

Offline Plthijnx

  • Alpha Rooster
  • *****
  • Posts: 537
  • My da*n easy button's broken. Can I borrow yours?
Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #377 on: June 09, 2006, 05:52:15 PM »
Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served.
When Johnny received his plate he started eating right away.
"Johnny wait until we say our prayer."
"I don't have to." The boy replied.
"Of course, you do," his mother insisted. "We say a prayer before eating at our house."
"That's our house," Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house, and she knows how to cook!
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown

Offline Plthijnx

  • Alpha Rooster
  • *****
  • Posts: 537
  • My da*n easy button's broken. Can I borrow yours?
Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #378 on: June 09, 2006, 05:53:03 PM »
A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about all his employees' well being, asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?"
The blonde replies, "This morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."
The boss, feeling very sorry at this point, explains to the young girl. "Why don't you go home for the day, we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest."
The blonde very calmly states, "No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."
The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. "If you need anything, just let me know."
Well, a few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde hysterically crying!! He rushes to her, asking, "Are you ok?"
"No!" exclaims the blonde. "I just got a call from my sister. She told me that HER mom died too!!"
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown

Offline Plthijnx

  • Alpha Rooster
  • *****
  • Posts: 537
  • My da*n easy button's broken. Can I borrow yours?
Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #379 on: June 09, 2006, 05:55:40 PM »
One day a teacher said to the class of 5-year- olds, "I'll give $2 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived."
An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Patrick."
The teacher said, "Sorry Sean, that's not correct."
Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Andrew."
The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either."
Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ."
The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Marvin, come up and get the $2."
As the teacher was giving Marvin his money, she said, "You know Marvin, since you're Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ."
Marvin replied, "Well, In my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is business..."
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown

Offline Mike

  • Supreme Overlord
  • Alpha Rooster
  • *****
  • Posts: 3376
Stereotypes? or true?
« Reply #380 on: June 11, 2006, 12:49:24 AM »
 
Stereotypes or true?



How to treat a Woman:

Wine her.
Dine her.
Call her.
Hold her.
Surprise her.
Compliment her.
Smile at her.
Listen to her.
Laugh with her.
Cry with her.
Romance her.
Encourage her.
Believe in her.
Pray with her.
Pray for her.
Cuddle with her.
Shop with her.
Give her jewelry.
Buy her flowers.
Hold her hand.
Write love letters to her.
Go to the ends of the earth and back again for her.


How To Treat a Man:

Show up naked.
Bring chicken wings.
Don't block the TV.

 
(I am sure for the guys in here the second one could be a double inuendo...heh heh... ;) ;D )


Dear IRS: Please cancel my subscription.

Offline Plthijnx

  • Alpha Rooster
  • *****
  • Posts: 537
  • My da*n easy button's broken. Can I borrow yours?
Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #381 on: June 11, 2006, 05:29:32 AM »
dang mike, you just defined my ex-wife AND ex-girlfriend all at once!
now:

Sorry ladies - I'm only the messenger, not the originators....

TO ALL THE GUYS TO GIVE THEM A GOOD LAUGH......AND TO THOSE LADIES WITH A SENSE OF HUMOUR

Recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.
That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
(David Bissonette)

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
(Sacha Guitry)

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
(Hemant Joshi)

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
(Socrates)

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
(Dumas)

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?
(Sigmund Freud)

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
(Anonymous)

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
(Henry Youngman)

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
(Sam Kinison)

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
(James Holt McGavran)

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't."
(Patrick Murray)

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
(Nash)

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
(Anonymous)

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
(Henny Youngman)

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
(Rodney Dangerfield)

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
(Milton Berle)

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
(Anonymous)

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
(Anonymous)

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown

Offline Plthijnx

  • Alpha Rooster
  • *****
  • Posts: 537
  • My da*n easy button's broken. Can I borrow yours?
Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #382 on: June 11, 2006, 05:33:34 AM »
uhhhh mike, i mean chuck, is this you?!?!?!?!

A drunken man walks into a bar.

The bartender sees that he is already 5 sheets to the wind, and proceeds to inform the man,
"I'm sorry sir, but you will have to leave. We don't serve anyone that drunk in this bar."

The man scowls at the bartender, but stumbles out anyway.

Not 15 minutes later, the drunk stumbles back in the bar.

So the bartender, slightly annoyed at this point, tells the man the same thing he did before.

This time the drunk starts cussing profusely and refuses to leave. But when the bouncer comes over and tells the man to leave, he finally obliges.

About 30 minutes later, the same drunk comes through the door again!

The bartender is really pissed now. So he yells at the drunk to leave, because "we don't serve drunks here!"

Baffled and angry, the drunk says "Damn! How many bars do you work at?!?"
« Last Edit: June 11, 2006, 05:50:58 AM by plthijnx »
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown

Offline Plthijnx

  • Alpha Rooster
  • *****
  • Posts: 537
  • My da*n easy button's broken. Can I borrow yours?
Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #383 on: June 11, 2006, 05:38:38 AM »
Plthijnx and Fireflyr are having a debate about the depth of large hole they find in the ground. They can't see the bottom and both are speculating pointlessly. Fireflyr suggests they drop a pebble down the hole and count how long it takes till it hits bottom.

They drop a pebble down and wait a while, but no sound comes back.

"We need a bigger rock." offers plthijnx. They drop a basketball sized stone down the hole, and wait and wait and still, no sound.

Fireflyr and plthijnx look at one another and say "wow, that is a deep hole. We need to find a really huge rock so it makes a loud enough noise for us to hear."

They search around a while and can't find a rock, but they do find a railroad tie, so they drag it over to the hole and shove it in. They stand watching it for a bit when all of a sudden a goat comes leaping out of the bushes and charges straight at them. They both jump out of the way and the goat dives head first into the hole.

They look at each other and say "Holy s$#@! did you see that? That was some weird a$$ crap, just then. That goat charged us and then dove into the hole."

They decide to leave the hole alone, and begin to walk away.

Just then, Mike walks up and says "hey guys, did you see a goat around here?"

"Well, yeah. This goat just attacked us then jumped in that hole over there." Said fireflyr.

"It couldn't have been my goat." said Mike, "My goat was chained to a railroad tie."
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown

Offline Plthijnx

  • Alpha Rooster
  • *****
  • Posts: 537
  • My da*n easy button's broken. Can I borrow yours?
Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #384 on: June 11, 2006, 05:45:23 AM »
A group of pilots went to a retreat in the mountains.
To save money, they decided to sleep two to a room. But no one wanted to room with plthijnx because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first pilot slept in plthijnx's room and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said,"Man, Mike, what happened to you?" He said, "plthijnx snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different pilot's turn. In the morning, same thing -- hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Whoa, bad night Happylaning? You look awful!" She said, "Geez, that plthijnx shakes the roof. I watched him all night."

The third night was fireflyr's turn. Fireflyr was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said.

They couldn't believe it! They said, "Wow, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked plthijnx into bed and kissed him good night. He sat up and watched me all night long."
« Last Edit: June 11, 2006, 05:55:00 AM by plthijnx »
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown

Offline Plthijnx

  • Alpha Rooster
  • *****
  • Posts: 537
  • My da*n easy button's broken. Can I borrow yours?
Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #385 on: June 11, 2006, 05:49:04 AM »
A West Texas cowboy was herding his cows in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If
I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA
page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to
another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.
Within receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.

He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few
minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the
cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy. He watches the young man select one of the animals and
looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?" The
young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says the cowboy.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I
already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about
cows.

Now give me back my dog."
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown

Offline happylanding

  • Alpha Rooster
  • *****
  • Posts: 1079
Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #386 on: June 11, 2006, 02:29:13 PM »
HAHAHA!!! Good boy, Plthijnx!!! these are unforgettable!!
You're a living encyclopedia of jokes!!!
I give that landing a 9 . . . on the Richter scale.

fireflyr

  • Guest
Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #387 on: June 11, 2006, 02:58:33 PM »
"goat chained to a railroad tie" ----where was the swallow first warning on that one?  ROFFLMAO!!!!!!!!!! ;D

fireflyr

  • Guest
Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #388 on: June 11, 2006, 03:02:52 PM »
"tucked him into bed a give him a kiss" ::) ::)--HAHAAA--my reputation precedes me!!!!!! :-* :-* :-*
« Last Edit: June 11, 2006, 03:23:53 PM by fireflyr »

Offline diveej

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 12
Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #389 on: June 11, 2006, 11:34:55 PM »
i am new and i read all of that phylhinks or whatevers jokes and ur the funnyest person i have never met keep those jokes coming my friends u are awesome ;D...please post more jokes humor i NEED humor
« Last Edit: June 11, 2006, 11:37:37 PM by diveej »