Author Topic: Humor....I need Humor!  (Read 1389941 times)

Offline Rooster Cruiser

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1125 on: August 20, 2007, 04:22:51 PM »
UNANSWERED  QUESTIONS

1.  Ever  wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of  Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE 

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2. Isn't  making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a  swimming pool? (My sentiments exactly)

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3. If 4 out of 5  people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys  it? 

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4. There are  three religious truths:
a  Jews do not recognize Jesus  as the Messiah.
b. Protestants do not  recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith. 
c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the  liquor store or at Hooters

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5. If people from  Poland are called Poles, then why aren't people  from Holland called Holes? 

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6. Do infants enjoy  infancy as much as some adults enjoy adultery?

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7. If a pig loses  its voice, is it disgruntled?

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8. Why do croutons come in  airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with? 

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9. Why is a  person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?

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10. Why isn't the  number 11 pronounced onety-one?

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11. If  lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn't it follow that  electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed? 

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12. If Fed Ex and UPS were to  merge, would they call it Fed UP?

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13. Do Lipton Tea  employees take coffee breaks?

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14. What hair color do they  put on the driver's licenses of bald men? 

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15. I was thinking  about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older;  then it dawned on me..they're cramming for their final exam. 

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16. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?

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17. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail? 

*~*~!  *~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

18.  If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

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19 You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. 

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20. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag? 

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21. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose? 

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24.  As  income tax time approaches, did you ever notice: When you put the two words  "The" and "IRS" together, it spells
"THEIRS"?

"Calling an illegal alien an "undocumented immigrant"
is like calling a  drug dealer an "unlicensed pharmacist".
"Me and Earl was haulin' chickens / On a flatbed outta Wiggins..."

Wolf Creek Pass, by CW McCall

Offline Frank N. O.

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1126 on: August 20, 2007, 05:28:03 PM »
UNANSWERED  QUESTIONS

1.  Ever  wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of  Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
Good one, but not as good as the Japanese company selling 2 ounces of Hawaiian water for over 30 dollars! And it gets better, they say you should thin it with normal water before drinking it! Concentrated water!?!?!? And of course they claim big health benefits galore!

This is just so comical that I'm posting it here even though it's supposedly real and should be posted in the news (aka links) section where Baradium is the resident skilled newshound (this is actually a moniker used for an old member at the small but friendly Racerplanet cargame-forum I've hung out at for years. A veteran-member there often posted tons of different/interesting/shocking news from around the world too).

Frank
« Last Edit: August 20, 2007, 05:29:51 PM by Frank N. O. »
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Offline want2fly

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1127 on: August 21, 2007, 04:04:06 PM »
Q: What do you get if you mix an onion and a donkey?

A: A piece of @$$ that will bring a tear to you eye.
If all else fails, read the directions.

Offline arandomguy

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1128 on: August 21, 2007, 04:08:50 PM »
wow, very funny everyone i can't think of a good joke to post  ::banghead::
so basically I'm just some random guy who joined this cause i felt like it, yay first solo, me and my bro did it the same day!

Offline gibbo_335

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1129 on: August 21, 2007, 11:37:58 PM »
Do you know what "TENJOOBERRYMUDS"  ??? means? After reading the following conversation you will be able to understand the term

With a little patience, you'll be able to fit right in with the growing trend!!!

Now, here goes...

The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and Room-service:

Room Service (RS): "Morrin.  Roon sirbees."

Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."

RS: " Rye .  Roon sirbees...morrin!  Joowish to oddor sunteen???"

G: "Uh.....  Yes, I'd like to order bacon and eggs."

RS: "Ow July den?"

G: ".....What??"

RS: "Ow July den?!?...  Pryed, boyud, poochd?"

G: "Oh, the eggs!  How do I like them?  Sorry...  Scrambled, please."

RS: "Ow July dee baykem?  Crease?"

G: "Crisp will be fine."

RS: "Hokay.  An Sahn toes?"

G: "What?"

RS: "An toes.  July Sahn toes?"

G: "I...  Don't think so"

RS: "No?  Judo wan sahn toes???"

G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan Sahn toes' means."

RS: "Toes!  Toes!...Why Joo don Juan toes?  Ow bow Anglish moppin weed bodder?"

G: "Oh, English muffin!!!  I've got it!  You were saying 'toast'...Fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

RS: "Weed bodder?"

G: "No, just put the bodder on the side."

RS: "Wad?!?"

G: "I mean butter...  Just put the butter on the side."

RS: "Copy?"

G: "Excuse me?"

RS: "Copy...tea...meel?"

G: "Yes.  Coffee, please...  And that's everything."

RS: "One Minnie.  Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin, weed Bodder on sigh and copy..  Rye??"

G: "Whatever you say."

RS: "Tenjooberrymuds."

G: "You're welcome."
« Last Edit: August 21, 2007, 11:42:24 PM by gibbo_335 »
YEWWWwwwwwwwww

Offline AirScorp

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1130 on: August 22, 2007, 03:40:18 AM »
As we say in Greece, it's all Chinese to me!



and since there was an unanswered question joke, although I just answered the first one:

-How do Greeks say "It's all Greek to me"?
-How do Greeks say "Greek love"?



PS. Answer also "It's all Alaburneez to me", don't know what that is :)
« Last Edit: August 22, 2007, 03:47:37 AM by AirScorp »
It's all Greek to me!

Offline cj5_pilot

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1131 on: August 22, 2007, 06:16:44 AM »
Gib...I think I talked to the room service guy the other day at Quick Books customer service........
The average pilot, despite the sometimes swaggering exterior, is very much capable of such feelings as love, affection, intimacy and caring. These feelings just don't involve anyone else.

Offline PiperGirl

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1132 on: August 22, 2007, 01:31:37 PM »
UNANSWERED  QUESTIONS

1.  Ever  wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of  Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 


Hehehe... This one made me remember a *true* story from when I was working as an EMT. We had a patient one day that claimed he had overdosed on some medication accidentally. He complained of headache, dizziness... the whole works. When we asked him what meds he was on and what he had overdosed on, he said Obecal P and showed us the bottle. The patient didn't know what it was prescribed for, just that it  "would make him feel better." Neither my partner or I had heard of that med before... Then after a bit of head scratching we figured it out... Placebo... ::banghead:: ::rofl:: This guy was completely convinced that he was going to die... We told him to drink some water to "minimize the effect" and assured him he would be just fine... He said he felt much better after that...
No guilt in life, no fear in death /This is the power of Christ in me /From life’s first cry to final breath /Jesus commands my destiny~ Newsboys "In Christ Alone"

Offline want2fly

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1133 on: August 22, 2007, 03:22:28 PM »
did you ever tell him the truth? or did you just keep it a secret?

My brother was just sitting on the arm of the couch and just randomly fell off.
« Last Edit: August 22, 2007, 03:24:37 PM by want2fly »
If all else fails, read the directions.

Offline arandomguy

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1134 on: August 22, 2007, 03:32:33 PM »
pipergirl, well, thats an interesting story. you kinda gotta feel sorry for the guy that thought he was gonna die
 ::rofl::  ::loony::  ::type:: i dunno why i just put those on

want2fly, in my defense i stepped on something that really hurt
« Last Edit: August 22, 2007, 03:48:44 PM by arandomguy »
so basically I'm just some random guy who joined this cause i felt like it, yay first solo, me and my bro did it the same day!

Offline BrianGMFS

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1135 on: August 22, 2007, 06:17:08 PM »
Quote
This one made me remember a *true* story from when I was working as an EMT

OHHHH NOOOOO!!!!! Another Reformed Street Pizza Picker-Upper  ::rofl::  ::rofl::  ::rofl::  ::rofl::

I Did EMS for 12 years... 9 1/2 years as my Job, 3 years as a Volly. I sure don't miss the 3 am nursing home LOLFDGB (Little Old Lady Fall Down Go Boom) calls  ;D but the amazing stupidity of some of the members of the human race made for some interesting stories  ::loony::

Brian

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"Take my love, take my land. Take me where I cannot stand. Burn the land and boil the sea, you can't take the sky from me."

Offline happylanding

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1136 on: August 22, 2007, 07:12:34 PM »
Well, the very first night I was sleeping at home by myself (it's quite big), with no parents and brother (no, I did not throw a party...) I was so nervous that my heart started beating like a fool. 30 minutes or so later, my left arm was aching really hard. I had thought I was going to die for an heart attack. when I call the ER, they were serious until the moment they asked me my age. I replied 15 or something alike. The man started laughing and told me, listen honey, get a chamomile and go back to bed....and tomorrow, go to you granny to sleep. I'm quite sure you will not encounter the same problem anymore!!!!!  :-[ :-[ :-[ :-[
I give that landing a 9 . . . on the Richter scale.

Offline happylanding

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1137 on: August 22, 2007, 07:15:13 PM »
Do you know what "TENJOOBERRYMUDS"  ??? means? After reading the following conversation you will be able to understand the term

RS: "Tenjooberrymuds."

G: "You're welcome."

Gibbooo! I can cach all the others,  but TENJOOBERRYMUDS is still a secret!!! Any help???
I give that landing a 9 . . . on the Richter scale.

Offline PiperGirl

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1138 on: August 22, 2007, 07:16:50 PM »
did you ever tell him the truth? or did you just keep it a secret?

We didn't want the poor doctor to have to come up with another "medication". ::whistle::
No guilt in life, no fear in death /This is the power of Christ in me /From life’s first cry to final breath /Jesus commands my destiny~ Newsboys "In Christ Alone"

Offline PiperGirl

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1139 on: August 22, 2007, 07:20:40 PM »
Do you know what "TENJOOBERRYMUDS"  ??? means? After reading the following conversation you will be able to understand the term

RS: "Tenjooberrymuds."

G: "You're welcome."

Gibbooo! I can cach all the others,  but TENJOOBERRYMUDS is still a secret!!! Any help???
Happy, You'll have to practice your Ebonics :D Thank you Very Much ;D Again courtesy of EMS I learned far more Ebonics than i ever imagined  ::thinking::
No guilt in life, no fear in death /This is the power of Christ in me /From life’s first cry to final breath /Jesus commands my destiny~ Newsboys "In Christ Alone"