Author Topic: Humor....I need Humor!  (Read 1423955 times)

airtac

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1515 on: January 16, 2008, 09:36:40 PM »
THE YEAR'S BEST [actual] HEADLINES OF 2007:

Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
[Imagine that!]


Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[No, really?]

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Now that's taking things a bit far!]

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
[Not if I wipe thoroughly!]


Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
[What a guy!]


Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so!]


Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[See if that works any better than a fair trial!]


War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]


If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
[You think? - wouldn't be those writers down in L.A. would it?]


Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
[Who would have thought!]

Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
[They may be on to something!]


Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?]


Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
[he probably IS the battery charge!]


New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
[Weren't they fat enough?!]


Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]


Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
[Taste like chicken?]


Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]


Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy, are they tall!]


And the winner is...

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead



Offline Oddball

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1516 on: January 17, 2008, 08:33:59 AM »
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?]  and whats wrong wi cable ties? as i always say if  you cant use cable ties the job aint worth doing lol just watch out for planes held together wi cable ties and you'll know i've been working on it  ::rofl:: ::rofl::
"You can teach monkeys to fly better than that!"and "spring chicken to sh**e hawk in one easy lesson"

Offline Baradium

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1517 on: January 20, 2008, 09:25:31 PM »
Reportedly taken from Craigslist:

Knock knock

Oh hi, how's it going? It's me! Every girl ever. I'm really looking forward to this date. I'm not nearly as attractive as you remember me being because when we met the bar was dark and you were drunk. Come on in.

Let's start off with the unavoidable tour of my incredibly typical post-college-girl apartment.

You'll notice that I went ahead and purchased everything that Ikea and Pier 1 have ever produced. There's my decorative birdcage over there even though I don't have a bird, and there's my gay wicker basket with bamboo poles in it. I don't know what the hell that's thing's all about, but I bought it.

Hey check it out, I have more candles in here than a Roman Catholic Church. Doesn't it smell like Hazelnut!? If I were to light all of my candles at once you could see my apartment from space! I ***ing love candles!

Come on into the living room.

Oh, I see you met my cat there. That's "Freddy Paws Jr." Why don't you pet him and act like you like cats even though you hate cats? There you go. Oh, he took a little swing at your eye there huh? Yeah, he'll do that. Hey, let's check out the kitchen.

Hey look at my refrigerator. There are pictures all over it! Look at all these pictures of me and my equally vacuous friends from college! We were so crazy! You can tell we're really good friends because our faces are all pressed up against each other like that.

And check it out, we're holding up alcoholic beverages to the camera in every single picture. That's to prove that we were partying. College was so fun! But of course I don't talk to any of these girls anymore because now they're all bitches.

Let's go back into the hallway!

Hey, before we leave I'm going to go in the bathroom for ten minutes for some mysterious reason. Why don't you sit awkwardly in my big, stupid, round papizan chair over there while you wait for me. It's like you're sitting in a hug! Be right back...

Sorry that took a half an hour, I don't know what the hell I was doing in there. Let's go!

Wow! Thanks for opening my car door for me! I'm totally going to blow that meaningless gesture out of proportion and delude myself into thinking that you're a really good guy because that's what I want to believe.

Well, here we are at the restaurant. No thanks waiter, I don't need to see a menu, just bring me some expensive things. Hey I know, while we wait, I'll tell you all about my unspeakably boring job. I hate my boss. He's a jerk! I might get another job. Maybe something in pharmaceutical sales.

Now let's talk about my family. I love my family. I want you to love my family. I want my family to love you. I want you to make love to my family! I want you to go golfing with my semi-retarded brother Travis. That would be so God damned cute!

Wow! I can't believe I ordered all this food! I have no intention of eating any of it. No thanks waiter, we don't need a box. Just throw it out.

Hey, I've got an idea, let's go to a bar and have an after dinner drink! It'll be great, it will be just like how we're drinking here, only it will be louder and we'll have to stand up. Come on!

See, isn't this better? Oh hey, what a coincidence. Look over there! It's a group of my friends that I knew was going to be here. Let's go over there so that they can judge you!

Hey, I have to go to the bathroom for a half an hour again for some reason. You can stay here and talk to my unbelievably hideous friend Christine! Christine's so ugly she scares kids! Talk to her! She has a job and a family that she wants to talk to you about too. Be right back.

I'm back! Sorry I was gone for three hours, there was a line. I want to go home now.

Well here we are at my door again. This was really fun for me and not you. You should pretend like we're going to do it again sometime! Maybe I'll see you at Target a few months from now and we can avoid eye contact because you never called me. Here, have this awkward goodnight kiss that's as empty as my soul. Good night!
"Well I know what's right, I got just one life
In a world that keeps on pushin' me around
But I stand my ground, and I won't back down"
  -Johnny Cash "I won't back Down"

Offline AirScorp

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1518 on: January 21, 2008, 12:29:29 PM »
Yup! some things are the same wherever in the world you may be  ::rofl::
It's all Greek to me!

Offline PiperGirl

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1519 on: January 21, 2008, 08:51:50 PM »
THE YEAR'S BEST [actual] HEADLINES OF 2007:

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so!]

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[See if that works any better than a fair trial!]

War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?]


Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy, are they tall!]

And the winner is...

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

I love these! I started laughing so much!
No guilt in life, no fear in death /This is the power of Christ in me /From life’s first cry to final breath /Jesus commands my destiny~ Newsboys "In Christ Alone"

airtac

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1520 on: January 23, 2008, 04:20:29 PM »
Sign over the toilet at Richfield UT (KRIF); :D

PILOTS WITH SHORT STACKS OR
LOW MANIFOLD PRESSURE MUST
TAXI CLOSER BEFORE USE........

HELICOPTER PILOTS MUST SIT !

(Hey!  Don't get mad at me--I'm just quoting!) ::)
« Last Edit: January 23, 2008, 04:22:16 PM by airtac »

Offline Rooster Cruiser

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1521 on: January 23, 2008, 04:49:32 PM »
I've seen that one at an FBO at Yuma.   :o

My personal favorite was the one in Gwinner ND.  It said, "Aim as if you are shooting an ILS approach to minimums with 10 minutes fuel on board."  ::eek:: ;D
"Me and Earl was haulin' chickens / On a flatbed outta Wiggins..."

Wolf Creek Pass, by CW McCall

airtac

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1522 on: January 23, 2008, 04:55:18 PM »
How about;

"When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did---not screaming like the passengers in his airplane!"

airtac

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1523 on: January 23, 2008, 05:53:15 PM »
OR;

"At this stage of life, food has replaced sex, now I can't even get into my own pants!"

Offline TheSoccerMom

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1524 on: January 24, 2008, 02:35:56 AM »
Holeee Cow, I am not touching THAT line......    ::)    ::eek::
Don't make me come back there!!!!

Offline G-man

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1525 on: January 24, 2008, 04:49:14 AM »
Sign over the toilet at Richfield UT (KRIF); :D

PILOTS WITH SHORT STACKS OR
LOW MANIFOLD PRESSURE MUST
TAXI CLOSER BEFORE USE........

HELICOPTER PILOTS MUST SIT !

(Hey!  Don't get mad at me--I'm just quoting!) ::)


So, Daddy airtac---were you the airtac out of RIF in 2006?---I flew Layla, and then LaFawnduh there during the last month & half of fire season...
Life may not be the party we hoped for---but while we're here--we might as well dance..........

Offline Oddball

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1526 on: January 24, 2008, 07:58:45 AM »
ok who or what is I Layla, and  LaFawnduh ? ::thinking::
"You can teach monkeys to fly better than that!"and "spring chicken to sh**e hawk in one easy lesson"

Offline AirScorp

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It's all Greek to me!

airtac

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1528 on: January 24, 2008, 02:50:58 PM »
Sign over the toilet at Richfield UT (KRIF); :D

PILOTS WITH SHORT STACKS OR
LOW MANIFOLD PRESSURE MUST
TAXI CLOSER BEFORE USE........

HELICOPTER PILOTS MUST SIT !

(Hey!  Don't get mad at me--I'm just quoting!) ::)


So, Daddy airtac---were you the airtac out of RIF in 2006?---I flew Layla, and then LaFawnduh there during the last month & half of fire season...

I was there in 2003 when the medium based there was out of a company from Grand Canyon.  Did you meet the locals?   Nice bunch of folks, when I stopped by last week they threw a party and wouldn't hear of me staying in a motel--had a fun time! ::drinking::

Offline TheSoccerMom

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1529 on: January 25, 2008, 04:05:51 AM »
They ARE nice there...  we made just a couple of stops there last summer, but it was nice as always. 

You should tell us about your wild scud-running across the Rockies.....   :o
Don't make me come back there!!!!