Author Topic: Humor....I need Humor!  (Read 1423972 times)

Offline Plthijnx

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2175 on: August 18, 2009, 09:32:36 PM »
Kind of lengthy but worth it!

Random Thoughts of the Day:

I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can
think about is that I canít wait for them to finish so that I can tell
my own story thatís not only better, but also more directly involves
me.

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you
realize you're wrong.

I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to
have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and
sticks when they've invented the lighter?

Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're
going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to
be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the
direction from which you came, you have to first do something like
check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to
yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're
crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This
recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never
be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.

Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't
work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically
fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all
know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards
or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.

There is a great need for sarcasm font.

Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and
suddenly realize I had no idea what the fuck was going on when I first
saw it.

I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually
becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting
90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's
laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little
bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the
only one who really, really gets it.

How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than
take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear
your computer history if you die.

The only time I look forward to a red light is when Iím trying to finish a text.

A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the
spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.

Was learning cursive really necessary?

Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".

I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron
test is absolutely petrifying.

My brother's Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads.
Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired
about the name. He explained, "Cuz we beat you, and you hate us."
Classy, bro.

Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all
I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod
and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

I love the sense of camaraderie when a n entire line of cars teams up
to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!


While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and
instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.

MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I
know how to get out of my neighborhood.

Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the
shower first and THEN turn on the water.

Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty,
and you can wear them forever.

I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

Bad decisions make good stories

Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their
profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got
the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if
I do!

Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?

If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would
probably just be completely invisible.

Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go
around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly
nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be
a problem....

You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work
when you've made up your mind that you just arenít doing anything
productive for the rest of the day.

Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't
want to have to restart my collection.

There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are
going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me
if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I
swear I did not make any changes to.

"Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.

I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching
TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge
me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we werenít watching
this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the
room. Will we still be friends after this?'

While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for China
and USA. No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly certain that
when Chinese athletes donít win, they are executed.

I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello?
Damnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and
goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone
and run away?

I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing
anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she
hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light
internet stalking.

I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle,
then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising
speed for pedophiles...

As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers,
but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not
know what time it is.

It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to
answer when they call.

I think that if, years down the road when Iím trying to have a kid, I
find out that Iím sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from
the fact that I was not aware of my condition in college.

Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.

Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car
keys in a pocket, finding their cellphone, and Pinning the Tail on the
Donkey - but Iíd bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze
button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time
every time...

My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would
happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?

It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the
link takes me to a video instead of text.

I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they
drive behind obeys the speed limit.

I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or
Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw
they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words,
someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think
about it, and then estimate d that there must be at least four people
eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by
myself. Thereís nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard
before dinner.

-- source unknown -- (but pretty sure I wrote it when I wasn't looking)
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown

Offline Plthijnx

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2176 on: August 18, 2009, 09:41:26 PM »
Catholic guy goes into the confessional box.
He notices on one side a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap.
On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest Cuban cigars.
Then the priest comes in.
"Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting these days."
The priest replies "Get out. You're on my side."
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown

Offline AirScorp

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2177 on: August 19, 2009, 01:54:35 AM »
I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

I actually heard only a couple of days ago that L.A. actually has this kind of service...
Timing is sometimes freaky :P

I laughed at more than half this whole post! Great share!
It's all Greek to me!

Offline Plthijnx

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2178 on: August 21, 2009, 04:49:31 AM »
One night, after a helicopter pilot and his wife had retired for the night, the woman
became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual
manner. He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the
small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them
very lightly. Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her
side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side
to a point below her waist. He continued on, gently feeling her hips,
first one side and then the other. His hand ran further down the
outside of her thighs. His gentle probing then started up the inside
of her left thigh, stopped and the returned to do the same to her
right thigh. By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she
squirmed a little to better position herself. The man stopped
abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.

"Why are you stopping darling?" she whispered.

He whispered back, " I found the remote!"
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown

Offline Plthijnx

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2179 on: August 21, 2009, 05:02:08 AM »
WOMAN'S POEM

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
This man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

MAN'S POEM
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs
who owns a liquor store and a golf course. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown

Offline Plthijnx

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2180 on: August 21, 2009, 05:15:54 AM »
A tough old cowboy once counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning. The grandson did this religiously and lived to the age of 110. He left behind 4 children, 20 grandchildren, 30 great-grandchildren, 10 great-great-grandchildren, and a fifty-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown

Offline Plthijnx

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2181 on: August 21, 2009, 05:20:21 AM »
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown

Offline Plthijnx

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2182 on: August 21, 2009, 05:27:28 AM »
k i'm on a joke overload tonight but who cares?
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown

Offline FlyboyGil

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2183 on: August 23, 2009, 11:15:40 PM »
Sometimes English can be so complex to understand. Read the paragraph below....and try to understand the meaning.
 
Two individuals proceeded towards the apex of a natural geologic protuberance, the purpose of their expedition being the procurement of a sample of fluid hydride of oxygen in a large vessel, the exact size of which was unspecified. One member of the team precipitously descended, sustaining severe damage to the upper cranial portion of his anatomical structure; Subsequently the second member of the team performed a self-rotational translation oriented in the same direction taken by the first team member.

 
Scroll down to understand in simple English what does this translate to...









Jack and Jill went up the hill
to fetch a pail of water
Jack fell down and broke his crown
and Jill came tumbling after!!
IF YOU CAN'T SAY ANYTHING NICE, YOU'RE PROBABLY AT THE ICE CAPADES

Offline FlyboyGil

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2184 on: August 23, 2009, 11:17:39 PM »


Wonderful English from Around the World

In a Bangkok temple:

IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.
 



Cocktail lounge , Norway :
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

Doctors office, Rome :

SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Dry cleaners, Bangkok :

DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS

In a Nairobi restaurant:

CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

On the main road to Mombassa, leaving Nairobi :

TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

On a poster at Kencom:

ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP.

In a City restaurant:

OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

In a cemetery:

PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES .

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:

GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:

OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

In a Tokyo bar:

SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

Hotel , Yugoslavia :

THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

Hotel , Japan :

YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:

YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.

A sign posted in Germany 's Black Forest :

IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Hotel, Zurich :

BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THEOPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand :

WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen :

WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

A laundry in Rome :

LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.
IF YOU CAN'T SAY ANYTHING NICE, YOU'RE PROBABLY AT THE ICE CAPADES

Offline FlyboyGil

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2185 on: August 23, 2009, 11:21:35 PM »
Thoughts from Man's heart

Thought 1

When we are born, our mothers get the compliments and the flowers.
When we are married, our brides get the presents and the publicity.

 

When we die, our widows get the life insurance.
What do women want to be liberated from?


Thought 2

The average man's life consists of:
Twenty years of having his mother ask him where he is going,
 

 Forty years of having his wife ask the same question;
 and at the end, the mourners wondering too where he is going.


Thought 3

Everyone in the wedding ceremony was watching the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle to give away to the groom.
 They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand..
 Everyone in the room was wondering what was given to the father by the bride.

The father could feel the suspense in the air and all eyes were on him to divulge the secret and say something. So he announced :
'Ladies and Gentlemen.  Today is the luckiest day of my life ...'   Then he raised his hands with what his daughter gave him and continued, 
 
'My daughter finally,  finally returned my Credit Card to me.'

The whole audience including the priest started laughing . . . . . 
 

But not the poor Groom ! ! !


And  now  the  Best  one. . . . .


Thought 4

A Man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind,  'If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you.'

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him.

The man was astonished. 

He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted,  'Stop !  Stand still !  If you take one more step a car will run over you, and you will die.'

The man did as he was instructed,  just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.  The man asked. 'Who are you?'

'I am your guardian angel,' the voice answered.

'Oh, yeah?'  the man said  'And where on earth were you when I got married??
« Last Edit: August 25, 2009, 08:55:45 PM by FlyboyGil »
IF YOU CAN'T SAY ANYTHING NICE, YOU'RE PROBABLY AT THE ICE CAPADES

Offline cotejy

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2186 on: August 24, 2009, 02:46:30 PM »
Quote
Wonderful English from Around the World

I see a lot of those in French. Everything sold here must have instructions in both French an English (except for computer software). Most companies would simply use an automatic translator and don't have it verified. So I always end up reading the instruction in English. Last one I saw was on my tent bag. The English reads: "do not drop poles". The French version would litteraly mean: "carefully drop Polish".

Offline Mike

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2187 on: August 25, 2009, 05:07:46 PM »
    Praying
     for Leroy



"Anyone with needs to be prayed over, come
     forward, to the front at the altar," the Preacher says.

Leroy gets
      in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: "Leroy, what do you
     want me to pray about for you."

Leroy replies: "Preacher, I need
      you to pray for my hearing." The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear,
      and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays
     and prays, he prays a blue streak for Leroy.

After a few minutes,
      the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks,"Leroy, how is your
     hearing now?"

Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it ain't til
     next Wednesday!"


Dear IRS: Please cancel my subscription.

Offline G-man

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2188 on: August 26, 2009, 06:15:57 PM »
We all know that Uday & Qusay, Sadams sons are long dead. It seems a lot of the lesser-known family members are coming to the attention of American authorities.

Among the brothers:

Sooflay ............the restauranteur
Guday...............the half-Australian brother
Huray...............the sports fanatic
Sashay..............the gay brother
Kuntay & Kintay.....the twins from the African mother
Sayhay............the baseball player
Ojay..............the stalker/murderer
Gulay.............the singer/entertainer
Ebay..............the internet czar
Biliray.............the country music star
Ecksray...........the radiologist
Puray..............the blender factory owner
Regay.............the half-Jamaican brother
Tupay.............the one with bad hair

Among the sisters:

Pusay...............the loose 22 yr old
Lattay..............the coffee shop owner
Bufay...............the 300 pound sister
Sapheway.........the grocery store owner
Ollay.................the half-mexican sister
Gudlay..............the prostitute


Life may not be the party we hoped for---but while we're here--we might as well dance..........

Offline FlyboyGil

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2189 on: August 28, 2009, 12:39:36 AM »
Quote
Wonderful English from Around the World

I see a lot of those in French. Everything sold here must have instructions in both French an English (except for computer software). Most companies would simply use an automatic translator and don't have it verified. So I always end up reading the instruction in English. Last one I saw was on my tent bag. The English reads: "do not drop poles". The French version would litteraly mean: "carefully drop Polish".

Are you a fellow Canucker as well? If so where bouts do you hail from?
IF YOU CAN'T SAY ANYTHING NICE, YOU'RE PROBABLY AT THE ICE CAPADES