Author Topic: Humor....I need Humor!  (Read 1403903 times)

Offline Turbomallard

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2295 on: November 02, 2010, 12:10:55 PM »
"Do not read this signature under penalty of law."

Offline Plthijnx

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2296 on: November 15, 2010, 11:24:02 PM »
The Divorced Barbie Doll

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?' The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.

The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, and one of Ken's Friends.
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown

Offline Plthijnx

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2297 on: November 18, 2010, 12:08:46 AM »

(Note:  Trucker trash CB talk is a dialect of Bad English)   ::whistle::

i am so going to use that excuse the next time i fly!
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown

Offline Rooster Cruiser

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2298 on: November 18, 2010, 07:06:31 AM »

(Note:  Trucker trash CB talk is a dialect of Bad English)   ::whistle::

i am so going to use that excuse the next time i fly!

You are most welcome to use it!   ::bow:: ::bow:: ::bow:: ::bow::

Feel free to check with me if you'd like help with any translations from one dialect to the other!    |:)\


RC
"Me and Earl was haulin' chickens / On a flatbed outta Wiggins..."

Wolf Creek Pass, by CW McCall

Offline Stef

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2299 on: November 18, 2010, 06:56:01 PM »
Neologisms

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are the winners:

   1.   Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
   2.   Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
   3.   Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
   4.   Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
   5.   Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
   6.   Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
   7.   Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high
   8.   Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
   9.   Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
  10.   Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
  11.   Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer......like
  12.   Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
  13.   Glibido: All talk and no action.
  14.   Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
  15.   Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
  16.   Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
  17.   Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

And the winners are:

   1.   Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.
   2.   Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
   3.   Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
   4.   Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
   5.   Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.
   6.   Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
   7.   Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.
   8.   Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
   9.   Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
  10.   Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
  11.   Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.
  12.   Rectitude, n.The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
  13.   Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
  14.   Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
  15.   Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
  16.   Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

Offline Stef

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2300 on: November 20, 2010, 11:40:30 AM »

Offline Mike

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2301 on: November 20, 2010, 11:47:38 PM »
Neologisms
   3.   Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

 ::rofl:: ::rofl::

that one is my favorite!
I don't know how many times I got "intaxicated" already......


Dear IRS: Please cancel my subscription.

Offline Plthijnx

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2302 on: November 21, 2010, 08:50:07 AM »
You are most welcome to use it!   ::bow:: ::bow:: ::bow:: ::bow::

Feel free to check with me if you'd like help with any translations from one dialect to the other!    |:)\

RC

where i work now...i speak english, ghetto, hood rat, redneck and heck even some spanish!!

on a side note i remember one time i was flying somewhere here in texas and a guy said this: "(kxyz) unicom N12345 you got yer ears on?"
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown

Offline Plthijnx

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2303 on: November 25, 2010, 06:19:57 PM »
Men Are Just Happier People

NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Numbnuts and S**** for Brains.

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.


THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown

Offline Oddball

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2304 on: November 29, 2010, 08:01:39 PM »
Notice of Proposed Rulemaking (NPRM)

Part 0, Section 000 (a) 1(c)
Section I No pilot or pilots, or person or persons acting on the direction or suggestion or supervision of a pilot or pilots may try, or attempt to try or make, or make attempt to try to comprehend or understand any or all, in whole or in part of the herein mentioned Aviation Regulations, except as authorized by the Administrator or an agent appointed by, or inspected by, the Administrator.

Section II If a pilot, or group of associate pilots becomes aware of, or realizes, or detects, or discovers, or finds that he or she, or they, are or have been beginning to understand the Aviation Regulations, they must immediately, within three (3) days notify, in writing, the Administrator.

Section III Upon receipt of the above-mentioned notice of impending comprehension, the Administrator shall immediately rewrite the Aviation Regulations in such a manner as to eliminate any further comprehension hazards.

Section IV The Administrator may, at his or her discretion, require the offending pilot or pilots to attend remedial instruction in Aviation Regulations until such time that the pilot is too confused to be capable of understanding anything.
"You can teach monkeys to fly better than that!"and "spring chicken to sh**e hawk in one easy lesson"

Offline cotejy

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2305 on: November 29, 2010, 09:00:09 PM »
Notice of Proposed Rulemaking (NPRM)

Part 0, Section 000 (a) 1(c)
Section I No pilot or pilots, or person or persons acting on the direction or suggestion or supervision of a pilot or pilots may try, or attempt to try or make, or make attempt to try to comprehend or understand any or all, in whole or in part of the herein mentioned Aviation Regulations, except as authorized by the Administrator or an agent appointed by, or inspected by, the Administrator.

Section II If a pilot, or group of associate pilots becomes aware of, or realizes, or detects, or discovers, or finds that he or she, or they, are or have been beginning to understand the Aviation Regulations, they must immediately, within three (3) days notify, in writing, the Administrator.

Section III Upon receipt of the above-mentioned notice of impending comprehension, the Administrator shall immediately rewrite the Aviation Regulations in such a manner as to eliminate any further comprehension hazards.

Section IV The Administrator may, at his or her discretion, require the offending pilot or pilots to attend remedial instruction in Aviation Regulations until such time that the pilot is too confused to be capable of understanding anything.


Humor? This is more sad truth... LOL

Offline Franz

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2306 on: November 30, 2010, 08:17:16 AM »
Did you find that on wikileaks?  ;)

Anyway, I need to forward that to a lot of people . . .

Offline Oddball

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2307 on: November 30, 2010, 06:14:02 PM »
I found that on the next best thing at http://aviationhumor.net
"You can teach monkeys to fly better than that!"and "spring chicken to sh**e hawk in one easy lesson"

Offline G-man

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2308 on: December 03, 2010, 10:34:45 PM »
Sometimes You Gotta Love Drunk People
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door, where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning! He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"J ust some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it's 3 o' clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes" comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?", calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk...
Life may not be the party we hoped for---but while we're here--we might as well dance..........

Offline Plthijnx

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2309 on: December 04, 2010, 08:46:24 AM »
Sex and Good English

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.

The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, 'This is a powerful medicine, and
it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.' When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in
your life, and you can perform as long as you want."

The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him
in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"

Immediately, he was the manliest of men!

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"



And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown