Humor....I need Humor!

[FlyboyGil]

AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. IF YOU'RE CHOKING ON AN ICE CUBE, SIMPLY POUR A CUP OF BOILING WATER DOWN YOUR THROAT. PRESTO! THE BLOCKAGE WILL INSTANTLY REMOVE ITSELF.

2. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

3. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.
 
4. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

5. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

6. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

7. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

8. REMEMBER - EVERYONE SEEMS NORMAL UNTIL YOU GET TO KNOW THEM.

9.  AND REMEMBER, IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

DAILY THOUGHT:   
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN THEY ARE PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

[Mike]

7. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

HA HA!! 

This one must have come from an A&P mechanic!! 

[Oddball]

aye gil i go by 7,8 and 9 and throw in cable ties as well, a job aint doing if you cant fix it wi cable ties.  you're right mike sounds like the last lot where made up  by a mechanic lol

[airtac]

aye gil i go by 7,8 and 9 and throw in cable ties as well, a job aint doing if you cant fix it wi cable ties.  you're right mike sounds like the last lot where made up  by a mechanic lol

HEY ACE, Speaking of mecanics---are you working as a mechanic (engineer?) yet

[Oddball]

not yet chief im job hunting got a few leads that im picking up on and waiting to hear back from some others

[airtac]

The Korean War, in which the Marine Corps fought and won some of its most brutal battles, was not without its gallows humor.  During one particularly hard operation, a ROK commander, whose unit was fighting along with the Marines, called legendary Marine General Chesty Puller, to report a major Chinese attack in his sector. 

'How many Chinese are attacking you?' asked Puller.  'Many, many Chinese!' replied the excited Korean officer.  General Puller asked for another count and got the same answer, 'Many, many, many Chinese!' 

"Dammit!' swore Puller, 'Put my Marine liaison officer on the radio.'  In a minute, an American voice came over the air:  'Yes sir?' 

'Lieutenant,' growled Chesty, 'exactly how many Chinese you got up there?'  'General, we got a whole s**tload of Chinese up here!' 


'Thank God.' exclaimed Puller, 'At least there's someone up there who knows how to count.'

[Rooster Cruiser]

'General, we got a whole s**tload of Chinese up here!'

That's what us truck drivers call the Texas Measuring System.  Everything is measured in "s**tloads".   

[Skid Kid]

We in the USMC have gone to a more advanced measuring system than anything so crude as "s**tloads."
We use metric ass tons! 

[airtac]

That's the Corp for ya---Always updating and improving--Semper Fi 

[Rooster Cruiser]

So nowadays instead of bringing Whup-azz to the battlefield by the s**tload, the USMC brings it by the metric-azz ton.     Hmmmm... I approve!   

[gibbo_335]

A stranger was seated next to a little boy on the airplane when the
stranger turned to him and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights
go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little boy, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly and said
to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and
he smiles.

'OK, ' he said. 'That could be an interesting topic.   But let me ask
you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff
- grass - . Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a
flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you
suppose that is?'

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little boy's intelligence,
thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little boy replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to
discuss nuclear power when you don't know crap?

[PiperGirl]

HOW TO SAVE THE AIRLINES

 Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.
Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell -- They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?
 The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a "party atmosphere" going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.
 Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money.
 Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues. This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.

Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely,
 Bill Clinton

[Rooster Cruiser]

> The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the mountains of
> Alaska for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the
> campground in the
> Pope-mobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the
> edge of the woods.
>
> A helpless environmental activist, wearing sandals, shorts,
> a 'Save the Whales' hat, and a 'To Hell with
> Bush' T-shirt, was screaming
> while struggling frantically, thrashing around trying to
> free himself from
> the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly bear.
>
> As the Pope watched horrified, a group of
> loggers came racing up. One quickly fired a .44
> magnum into the
> bear's chest. The other two reached up and pulled the
> bleeding,
> semi-conscious tree hugger from the bear's grasp. Then,
> using long clubs, the
> three loggers finished off the bear and two of them threw
> it into the bed of
> their truck while the third tenderly placed the injured
> tree hugger in the back
> seat.
>
> As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned
> them to come over. 'I give you my blessing for your
> brave actions!' he told
> them. 'I heard there was a bitter hatred between
> loggers and
> environmental activists, but now I've seen
> with my own eyes that
> this is not true.'
>
> As the Pope drove off, one of the loggers
> asked his buddies, 'Who was that guy?'
>
> 'It was the Pope,' another replied. 'He's
> in
> direct contact with heaven and has access to all
> wisdom.'
>
> 'Well,' the logger said, 'he may have access
> to all wisdom, but he sure don't know anything about
> bear hunting! Is the
> bait holding up, or do we need to go back to Massachusetts
> and get another
> one?

 

[gibbo_335]

3 engineers go on site to measure how high a communications pole is.  An arrival they discover that there is no crane, ladder or scaffolding to get up on to measure it. 

“Now what do we do?” asked one of the engineers

“Well I’ll phone the office and get someone to organize a crane to come out here” said the second engineer

Later a blonde was walking past, “Hey, for a laugh, why don’t we ask this blonde how we could measure it” one of the engineers said.

“Excuse me miss” asked the engineer

“Yes, can I help you “ the blonde inquired

“Yes, we need to measure the height of this pole is and there is no crane here, can you suggest how we might do it?”

After looking at the pole the blonde says,

“Well, why don’t undo the 4 nuts at the bottom and lay the pole down and measure the length of it and then put it back up and tighten the nuts back up”  with that the blonde walks off.

“See” the first engineer says, “Typical blonde we need to know how high it is not how long!”

[razz4367]

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in
next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee whereupon the parrot
squawks, "And get me a coke, you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings
back a coke for the parrot and forgets the coffee.

When this omission is pointed out to her, the parrot drains its glass and
bawls, "And get me another coke, dogface!" Quite upset, the girl comes back
shaking with another coke but still no coffee.

Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach.  "I've
asked you twice for a coffee! Go and get it now, you old goat!"

The next moment both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out
of the emergency exit by two burly stewards.

Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says, "For someone who can't
fly, you've got guts!"