Chicken Wings Forum
Roost Air Lounge => General Discussion => Topic started by: Plthijnx on November 08, 2005, 06:57:15 PM
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thought I'd get a Joke Thread started.....here goes....
Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."
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Cessna: "Jones tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot, I am out of fuel."
Tower: "Roger Cessna 12345, reduce airspeed to best glide!! Do you have the airfield in sight?!?!!"
Cessna: "Uh...tower, I am on the south ramp; I just want to know where the fuel truck is."
_____
A man telephoned an airline office in New York and asked, "How long does it take to fly to Boston?"
The clerk said, "Just a minute."
"Thank you," the man said and hung up.
_____
A man walks up to the counter at the airport. "Can I help you?" asks the agent. "I want a round trip ticket," says the man.
"Where to?" asks the agent.
"Right back to here."
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A passenger piled his cases on the scale at an airline counter in New York and said to the clerk, "I'm flying to Los Angeles. I want the square case to go to Denver and the two round ones to go to Seattle."
"I'm sorry, sir, but we can't do that."
"Why not? You did it last time!"
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"Flight 1234, for noise abatement, turn right 45 degrees.."
"But Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
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Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly fell into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the Director of Nursing became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound-mindedness.
The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hanged himself in his bathroom with the belt to his robe right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?
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A Joke Line! Great Idea!
Here is what an old DC-9 captain said when he first got checked out to fly the Airbus A320 with a glass cockpit:
"Now I know how a dog feels watching TV!"
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At Kennedy Airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a compass, a protractor, and a graphical calculator.
Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction. ;D
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Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good).....
A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
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Little Johnny was in the 4th grade when the teacher asked the children to stand and tell everyone what their fathers did for a living.
All the typical answers came up: fireman, policeman, salesman, office worker, etc...
Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father. He stood up proud, shoulders back and said,
"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay bar. He takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go out
to the alley with some guy and make love with him for money."
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly to set up the other children activities and approached Little Johnny and took him aside and asked him, "Is that really true what your father does for a living?"
"No", said Little Johnny.
"He really plays for the Houston Texans but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."
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Jesus Is Watching
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze.
When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
"Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses."
"The kind of people that would name a rottweiler Jesus."
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awesome firegirl! the g/f and i are getting ready to look at Rots....
A couple of rednecks are out in the woods hunting when one of them suddenly
grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be
breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other redneck whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
He gasps to the operator, "I think Bubba is dead! What should I do?"
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and
follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence...... and then a shot is heard.
The redneck's voice comes back on the line, "Okay, now what?"
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Hmmm sounds like something that would happen up here in Alberta......
Maintenance Complaints
Some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots, and the replies from the
maintenance crews.
Problem: Target Radar hums
Solution: Reprogrammed Target Radar with the lyrics
Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."
Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."
Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."
Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."
Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed."
Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."
Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."
Solution: "Live bugs on order."
Problem: #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid
Solution: #2 Propeller seepage normal - #1 #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage
Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent."
Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."
Problem: "IFF inoperative."
Solution: "IFF always inoperative in OFF mode."
Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
Solution: "That's what they're there for."
Problem: "Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."
Problem: Aircraft handles funny
Solution: Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious
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A woman was at the mall and she walked past the pet store, and there was a big parrot in the window with a sign behind it, "Buy this parrot, only $15.00". She had always wanted a parrot so she walked in and interrogated the owner about why the price was so low. The owner explained, "You see Ma'am, the parrot's previous owner was a prostitute, and she kept the bird at the brothel with her. So he says all kinds of disgusting and inappropriate things, and nobody wants to take him." The woman decided she'd chance it, and bought the bird.
When she got home, the parrot squawked and said, "New house... New madam." The woman chuckled and logged on to the internet to read up on parrot training.
A little while later, her two daughters came home from high school. The parrot squawked and said, "New house... New madam.... new girls..." The woman explained what was going on and they all had a laugh. Then her husband came home, and the parrot squawked and said, "Hi, George."
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The Army found they had too many officers and NCOs and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any member who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.
The third one was a grizzly old Master Sergeant who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied "from the tip of my penis to my testicles."
It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider; explaining about the nice cheques the previous two officers had received. But the old Sarge insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.
The medical officer arrived and instructed the Sergeant to "drop 'em", which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Sarge's penis and began to work back.
"My God!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"
The old Sergeant calmly replied....... "Vietnam."
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Somewhere in the deep south Plthijnx called an attorney and asked, "Is it true they're suing the cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer?"
"Yes, Plthijnx, that's true," answered the lawyer.
"And people are suing the fast food restaurants for making them fat and clogging their arteries with all them burgers and fries, is that true, mister lawyer?"
"Sure is, Plthijnx, but why do you ask?"
"Cause I was thinkin, maybe I can sue Heineken for all them ugly women I've been waken' up with."
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Ha, ha, ha!!! good one Hijnx!!!
Cheers !
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Here's one of my personal favorites! Short and sweet:
The class was supposed to write a short story in as few words as possible
for a college class and the instructions were that it had to discuss
Religion, Sexuality and Mystery. The only one who received an A+ wrote the
following:
Good God, I'm pregnant, I wonder who did it.
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1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
2. The sport of choice for the maintenance level employees is BOWLING.
3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is GOLF.
AMAZING CONCLUSION: The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become. ;D
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good one Steph!
This is the transcription of the ACTUAL (edit by Plt: actual? mmmya. "oh i read it on the internet so it MUST be true!" this is still funny though!) radio conversation between the British and the Irish off the coast of Kerry, October 1998. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations >>10-10-98.
IRISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
BRITISH: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.
IRISH: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
BRITISH: This is the Captain of a British Navy Ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
IRISH: Negative. I say again, you will have to divert YOUR course.
BRITISH: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER HMS BRITIANNIA! THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE BRITISH ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. I SAY AGAIN !!!, THAT IS 15 DEGREES NORTH OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
IRISH: We are a lighthouse................Your Call.
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A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH, MY G-D!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier; but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"
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Three midgets are sitting in a bar.
The first midget says 'I have the smallest feet in the world.'
The second midget says 'I have the smallest hands in the world.'
The third midget says 'I have the smallest penis in the world.'
The bartender says 'I get tired of you guys braggin'. Go to Guinness and get it put in the books, and you can sit in here and brag all you want.
After about a week, the first midget comes running in the bar. 'Look bartender, I have a check and a trophy, and I am in the Guinness book for having the smallest feet in the world.'
The second midget comes running in and says 'Look bartender, I have a check and a trophy, and I am in the Guinness book for having the smallest hands in the world!'
The third midget comes running in and says 'Who in the hell is Plthijnx?!?!
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Hahahaha! So then you must also get a lot of these penis enlargement spam mails too, huh? I always wonder which of my ex girlfriends told on me... ;D ;D
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haha! yeah, they don't work :-[
edit: the one that did work, when it arrived, was a magnifying glass and a rubber band!
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haha! yeah, they don't work :-[
edit: the one that did work, when it arrived, was a magnifying glass and a rubber band!
And I'm sure you have the Visa bill and worn out measuring tape to prove it! ;D
Ok, What's black and white and black and white and black and white?
A nun rolling down a hill.
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A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wife's birthday.
His wife told him "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for
me that goes from zero to 200 in under 10 seconds".
The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She
opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for Saturday
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A man comes rushing through the front door of the house..
"Honey, is there anything wrong?", asks the wife.
"No, in fact, I just found out I won the lottery. Pack your bags", replies the husband.
"That is exciting, where are we going?", responds the wife.
The husband answers, "I don't care, just get out... " ;D
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Camping with the Lone Ranger and Tonto:
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert.
After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and
says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says,
"Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.
Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What's it tell you,Tonto?"
Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabe,
you dumber than buffalo shit. Someone stole our tent!"
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Living Will
A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.
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A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."
"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"
His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat, 'I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.' It worked! The headaches are all gone."
The husband replies, "Well, that's wonderful."
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't exactly been a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"
The husband agrees to try it. Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife, and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later, jumps into bed, and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, "Wow! That was wonderful!"
The husband says, "Don't move! I'll be right back." He returns to the bathroom and then goes back to the bedroom, and round two is even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back into the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing in front of the mirror, saying, "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife."
His funeral services will be held on Monday.
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ATC: "Cessna 12345, What's your position?"
Cessna 12345: "I'm sitting down and facing front!"
-------------------------------
A guy sits down in an airport cafe after pulling his tiny Cessna 152 up to it's tie-down and securing it. The airport has many other types of aircraft, including military, that pass through all the time. As he is sipping his coffee in the crowded cafe, an attractive young woman asks if she can sit down at his table since all the others are taken. Naturally, he is more than pleased to have her join him, and the following, also naturally, takes place....
Woman: "So, you're a pilot? What kind of plane do you fly?"
Pilot: "Well, do you know a lot about planes?"
Woman: "No, not really."
Pilot: "Ah, well, you see that big military one out there on the ramp?"
Woman: "Yes! You fly that?", the woman says, impressed and smiling.
Pilot: "Oh, no", says the pilot in a proud tone. "That's a C-130. I fly a C-152!" ;D
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Good one Ted!
I LOVE IT!!
Pilot: "Oh, no", says the pilot in a proud tone. "That's a C-130. I fly a C-152!"
and then the woman says: Chuck, is that you?
HA HA
Who ever invented thos two jokes must have known Chuck!
(actually don't we all know him anyways, . . . there are many Chucks out there. . . wow deep!)
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;D
I'll have to dig up some of my others....I used to have a million of 'em :D
"I went to look up my family tree and two dogs were using it!" - Rodney Dangerfield
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A penguin is driving across Arizona with the A/C cranked. He hears a terrible noise and suddenly the vents are blowing warm air. He pulls into the first garage he sees and asks the mechanic to take a look.
The penguin says, "Hey, is there someplace cool I can hang out? I'm a little sensetive to heat."
Pointing down the road, the mechanic says, "Yeah, there's a supermarket down the block. Their frezer section should keep you comfortable. Why don't you go hang out there for about an hour."
So the penguin waddles off down the road and finds the freezers in the big store. He promptly opens the door and climbs in among containers of ice cream. After brief time, he looks around realizing he's hungry, pops the lid off a gallon of vanilla and chows down. He finishes off the entire bucket and checks his watch, time to head back. He waddles back down the road to the garage.
Seeing the mechanic bent under the hood of his car, the penguin says, "Hey, you find the problem?"
The mechanic turns around, "Yeah, looks like you just blew a seal."
The penguin wipes off his beak and says, "No, no! It's just ice cream. I swear!"
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;D
I'll have to dig up some of my others....I used to have a million of 'em :D
"I went to look up my family tree and two dogs were using it!" - Rodney Dangerfield
Cool! Let's do some good quotes:
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer.
Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the
wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. " --Dave Barry
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"I don't get no respect! The last time anyone opened the car door for me we were on the highway at the time!" - Rodney Dangerfield
----------------------
"I used to have a book on 'How to train your memory in five easy lessons'... can't remember where I put it!" - Shemp Howard
----------------------
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Actual Sign Seen:
A sign seen on a restroom dryer at O'Hare Field in Chicago: Do not activate with wet hands.
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In the "Famous Last Words" Category:
"No flying machine will ever fly from New York to Paris." -- Orville Wright.
"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value." -- Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.
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It's better to break ground and head into the wind than to
break wind and head into the ground.
The difference between flight attendants and jet engines is
that the engine usually quits whining when it gets to the
gate.
A copilot is a knot-head until he spots opposite direction
traffic at 12 o'clock, after which he's a goof-off for not
seeing it sooner.
Without ammunition the USAF would be just another expensive
flying club.
If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about
to.
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It's better to break ground and head into the wind than to
break wind and head into the ground.
I love the first one!! (haven't heard it before)
Hate the last one though . . . . (because it's true)
Here is one I am sure you will enjoy:
Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drank I feel
ashamed.
Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and
all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be
out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It
is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be
selfish and worry about my liver." --by Jack Handy
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LOL! yeah, i thought about them last night!
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'nuff said!
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Ha ha ha ha!!! Goooood one Hijxn!!!
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DYSLEXIC OF THE WORLD UNTIE !!!
(get it?... ;D)
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(yeah, lol!)
now....
IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD:
I live in a semi-rural area We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."
From Kingman, KS.
______________________________________________________
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg. He was a Chef? Yep...From Kansas City!
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IDIOT SIGHTING:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge? To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."
Happened in Birmingham, Ala.
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IDIOT SIGHTING:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when its safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!" She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS ___________________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING:
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving the
company due to "downsizing."
Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare. This was a bunch at Texas Instruments.
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IDIOT SIGHTING:
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her own life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office no less.
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IDIOT SIGHTING:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "its open!" His reply, "I know - I already got that side." This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, Mississippi!
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IDIOT SIGHTING:
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her own life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office no less.
I've had clients do that.
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Blonde humor:
I.T. guy: She tells me she intends to make the security password for her PC:
"mickiemousedaffyduckbugsbunnyporkypigtomandjerry".
I suggested this is a bit on the long side.
She said "But all the manuals say your security password should be at least six characters long."
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<strike>Mike's</strike> errrr Chuck's Redneck Project Chopper! ;D complete with test pilot!
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For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on. At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed an Illegal Operation" warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
Please share this with your friends who love - but sometimes hate - their computer!
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Good one plthijnx!!
I wonder if any Toyota salesmen or service folks have got questioned about how to turn the Prius off since it actually does have a "Start" button!
That topic also reminds me of a humorous... but unfortunately TRUE adage in computing.....
"If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, one termite and all of civilization would be destroyed!"
(and that's coming from me... a Software Engineer!)
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hehe true, true, Ted....and now back to our regularly scheduled show ;D
Three men are drinking in a bar. They start talking to each other because all three of them have black-eyes. They ask each other how they got their black-eyes.
The first man says "I just don't know what is wrong with me! Everytime I try and say something it comes out wrong. Like today, I went to the bank for change for a dollar. The teller was really hot and she was wearing a very revealing top. I could see everything! Well, what I ment to say was 'could I have nickles and dimes for this dollar?' and what came out was 'could I have nipples and dimes for this dollar?' so she punched me."
The second man says "That happened to me too! I went to the airport today because I was going on a business trip. The lady at the counter was really hot too, huge breasts and all. So I ment to say 'Could I have two tickets to Pittsburg?' but what came out was 'Could I have two pickets to Tittsburg?' and she punched me."
The third man says "This must be a man thing, because the same thing happend to me! At breakfast this morning my wife punched me when I was going to ask her 'honey, could you please pass the toast?' but what came out was 'Bitch!!! You ruined my whole life!!!' "
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A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a
drink. Looking around, he sees 3 men sitting at a corner table. He gets up,
staggers to the table, leans over, looks at the biggest, meanest one in the
face and says, "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the
hallway buck naked. Man, she is a fine looking woman!"
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused,
because he is one bad biker, and would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says, "I got it on with your
grandma and she is good--the best I ever had! You hear me, boy? I said I got
it on with your grandma!"
The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad, but the biker still says
nothing.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you
something else, boy, your grandma moaned and groaned 'cause she liked it!
Now what do you think of that, boy?"
At this point the biker stands up, grabs the drunk by the shoulders and says
"Grandpa, you're drunk....... Go home!"
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Several men are in the locker room of a golf course clubhouse. When a cell phone on a bench rings, a
man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall and found a beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,500. Can I buy it?"
MAN: "OK, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2006 models. I saw one I really
liked - a little coupe.
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$68,000"
MAN: "For that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! One more little thing....the house we wanted last year is back on the market.
They're only asking $750,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just offer $725,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too." The man hangs up.
The other men are looking at him in astonishment with stark horror on their faces.
Then the man grins and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
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You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges. You are carrying a Glock .40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?
====
Democrat's Answer:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing!
I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.
====
Republican's Answer:
BANG!
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Southern Republican's Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click ....(sounds of reloading) BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click
Daughter: "Nice group, mommy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips?
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Well, I can pretty much tell who you vote for!
So much for keeping politics to a minimum. ;D
Hey, wouldn't it be 12 or 13 "BANG" in the south? I am sure they have the bigger magazines that are illegal in California...
We always put in 12 in the military so we don't mess up the spring.
(that's the kind of questions we get if we're not 100% accurate with a strip, heh heh,
it's all good though)
One thing is for sure:
I LOVE the Glock .40!!!
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ehcht, they banned the larger clips a while back but i think the ban expired recently......i know that the assault rifle ban expired, i just wish i had some $ to spend on them!
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Yeah! It's kind of hard to keep up with all those laws. You'd probably have to join a bunch of gun-forums and prescribe to all those magazines. I use my guns mainly for possible survival purposes while flying in the middle of nowhere and to have fun while stationed in the dessert.
Back to humor!
I get this forwarded a bunch of times every Christmas, but this one is definetly my favorite. I always wanted to do that myself, ...maybe this year. The ones of you who read Calvin and Hobbs might find that this cartoon had a tremedous influence on our cartoon. We were (still are) big fans of all Bill Wattersons work.
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NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS - THE AVIATION VERSION!
'Twas the night before Christmas, and out on the ramp,
Not an airplane was stirring, not even a Champ.
The aircraft were fastened to tie downs with care,
In hopes that -- come morning -- they all would be there.
The fuel trucks were nestled, all snug in their spots,
With gusts from two-forty at 39 knots.
I slumped at the fuel desk, now finally caught up,
And settled down comfortably, resting my butt.
When the radio lit up with noise and with chatter,
I turned up the scanner to see what was the matter.
A voice clearly heard over static and snow,
Called for clearance to land at the airport below.
He barked his transmission so lively and quick,
I'd have sworn that the call sign he used was "St. Nick."
I ran to the panel to turn up the lights,
The better to welcome this magical flight.
He called his position, no room for denial,
"St. Nicholas One, turnin' left onto final."
And what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a Rutan-built sleigh, with eight Rotax Reindeer!
With vectors to final, down the glideslope he came,
As he passed all fixes, he called them by name:
"Now Ringo! Now Tolga! Now Trini and Bacun!
On Comet! On Cupid!" What pills was he takin'?
While controllers were sittin', and scratchin' their heads,
They phoned to my office, and I heard it with dread,
The message they left was both urgent and dour:
"When Santa pulls in, have him please call the tower."
He landed like silk, with the sled runners sparking,
Then I heard, "Left at Charlie," and "Taxi to parking."
He slowed to a taxi, turned off of three-oh,
And stopped on the ramp with a "Ho, ho-ho-ho..."
He stepped out of the sleigh, but before he could talk,
I ran out to meet him with my best set of chocks.
His red helmet and goggles were covered with frost,
And his beard was all blackened from Reindeer exhaust.
His breath smelled like peppermint, gone slightly stale,
And he puffed on a pipe, but he didn't inhale.
His cheeks were all rosy and jiggled like jelly,
His boots were as black as a cropduster's belly.
He was chubby and plump, in his suit of bright red,
And he asked me to "fill it, with hundred low-lead."
He came dashing in from the snow-covered pump,
I knew he was anxious for drainin' the sump.
I spoke not a word, but went straight to my work,
And I filled up the sleigh, but I spilled like a jerk.
He came out of the restroom, and sighed in relief,
Then he picked up a phone for a Flight Service brief.
And I thought as he silently scribed in his log,
These reindeer could land in an eighth-mile fog.
He completed his pre-flight, from the front to the rear,
Then he put on his headset, and I heard him yell, "Clear!"
And laying a finger on his push-to-talk,
He called up the tower for clearance and squawk.
"Take taxiway Charlie, the southbound direction,
Turn right three-two-zero at pilot's discretion."
He sped down the runway, the best of the best,
"Your traffic's a Grumman, inbound from the west."
Then I heard him proclaim, as he climbed thru the night,
"Merry Christmas to all! I have traffic in sight.
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Humor has always been big in my family, so let's keep this thread rollin':
A 6 year-old and 4 year-old are upstairs in their bedroom.
"You know what?" says the 6 year-old. " I think it's about time we started
cussing."
The 4 year-old nods his head in approval.
The 6 year-old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna
say something with 'hell' and you say something with 'ass.'
The 4 year-old agrees with enthusiasm.
When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year-old what he
wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw hell Mom, I guess I'll have some
Cheerios."
WHACK!....He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets
up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out with his mother in hot pursuit,
slapping his rear with every step.
She locks him in his room and shouts, " You can stay in there until I let
you out."
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year-old and asks with a
stern voice, "An what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be
Cheerios."
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Hi Guys!!! It's been awhile since I have posted but thought this blonde joke was good for some winter time humor. LOL
As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out
of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker
lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are
losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down
the street.
When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again.
She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the
trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says
brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your
load!"
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the
street.
At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of
breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck
door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says " Hi, my name
is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next
light.
When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs
back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it,
he says...
"Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Idaho and I'm driving the
Sand Truck!"
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This one is great!!
A C-130 was en route to a mission when a cocky F-16 pilot flew up
next to him. The jet jockey told the C-130 pilot, "Watch this!" He
went into a barrel roll, followed by a steep climb, then finished
with a sonic boom when he reached the speed of sound.
The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought.
The C-130 pilot responded "That was impressive, but watch this."
The C-130 droned along for about 15 minutes then the 130 pilot came
back on and said "What did you think about that?"
The 16 pilot asked, "What the Hell did you do?"
The C-130 pilot responded "I got up, stretched my legs, went to the
back poured a cup of coffee and took a piss."
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CASINO
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table.
An attractive blonde from St John's arrived and bet twenty-thousand
dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
completely nude.
"With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled,
"Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed...
"YES! YES! I WON, I WON!" She hugged each of the dealers and then picked
up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared
at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she
roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."
MORAL - Not all Newfies are stupid and not all blondes are
dumb................. but all men are men.
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hey y'all. been a while but not by my own accord.....humor is all i have so here it is!
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was
squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She
went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and
whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The
teacher told him go down to the principal's office, he was to phone his
mother, and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and he
returned to the classroom, where he sat down in his seat. Suddenly, there was a
commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to
find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. "I thought I told
you to call your mom." she screamed. "I did," he said, "and she told me that if
I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school ..."
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mike.....just for you bro!
The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of
a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good
shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane.
"It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor.
As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane
was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and
yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind
and soon they were in the air.
"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and
make three or four low level passes."
"Why?" asked the pilot.
"Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and
photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great
exasperation and impatience.
After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the instructor?"
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Good one! I love it!
Here is one just for you Texas!!
A Texan is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call on his cell phone.
He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar announcing his wife has produced a Typical Texas baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Texan just shrugs, "That's about average down home folks.
Like I said, my boy's a Typical Texas baby boy."
Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations of "WOW!"
We heard one woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later he returns to the bar.
The bartender says, "Say you're the father of that Typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth.
Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So how much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
The bartender is puzzled, concerned, and a little suspicious. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!"
The Texas father takes a slow swig from his Lone Star beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had'm circumcised!"
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good'en mike!
A Swiss guy, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Englishmen are waiting.
"Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he says.
The two Englishmen just stare at him.
"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?"
The two continue to stare.
"Parlare Italiano?" No response,
"Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing.
The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted.
The first Englishman turns to the second and says, "Maybe we should learn a foreign language...."
"Why?" says the other, "That bloke knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."
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Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place:
The first guy begins, "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."
And then the second guy pipes in with, "That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."
Then the third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."
They continue to fish when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they asked him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?"
The fourth guy smiles, puts his feet up and says, "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing or Sex?" ...and she said, "Wear sun-block."
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This one had me laughing out loud!!
Sitting together on a train, traveling through the Swiss Alps, are a French guy, an American guy, an old Greek lady, and a young blonde Swiss girl.
The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.
When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Frenchman has a
bright red hand print on his cheek. No one speaks.
The old lady thinks: The Frenchman must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped his cheek.
The blonde thinks: That Frenchman must have tried to grope me
in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she
slapped his cheek.
The Frenchman thinks: The American must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.
The American thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel, so I can smack that Frenchman again.
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Number 10 - Life is sexually transmitted.
Number 9 - Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Number 8 - If you are afraid you may fall off a tall place, carry an extension cord. It always hangs up on something.
Number 7 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
Number 6 - Some people are like a Slinky.....not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Number 5 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Number 4 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
Number 3 - Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
Number 2 - In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2006: We know exactly where one cow with mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration.
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During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asks the students:
"Michael, if you were on a date, having supper with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
"Just a minute, I have to go pee."
"That would be rude and impolite! ! ! What about you Peter, how would you say it?"
"I am sorry , but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back."
That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you Little Johnny, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners?"
"I would say: 'Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after supper."
The teacher fainted!!!!
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TEQUILA FOR MI AMOR
A Mexican is strolling down the street in Mexico City and kicks a
bottle lying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie.
The Mexican is stunned.
The Genie says,"Hello Master, I will grant you one wish, anything you
want."
The Mexican begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking tequila."
Finally the Mexican says, "I wish to drink tequila whenever I want, so
make me pee tequila."
The Genie grants him his wish.
When the Mexican gets home, he gets a glass out of the cupboard and
pees in it. He looks at the glass and it's clear...looks like tequila.
Then smells the liquid... smells like tequila. So he takes a taste, and
it is the best tequila he has ever tasted.
The Mexican yells to his wife, "Consuelo, Consuelo, come quickly!"
She comes running down the hall, and the Mexican takes another glass
out of the cupboard and fills it. He tells her to drink it. It is
tequila.
Consuelo is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best
tequila she has ever tasted. The two drank and partied all night.
The next night the Mexican comes home from work and tells his wife to
get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to fill the two
glasses. The result is the same. The tequila is excellent, and the
couple drinks until the sun comes up.
Finally Friday night comes and the Mexican comes home from work and
tells his wife, " Consuelo, grab one glass from the cupboard and we will
drink Tequila." His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on
the table.
The Mexican begins to fill the glass; and when he fills it, his wife
asks him, "But Pancho, why do we need only one glass?"
Pancho raises the glass and says, "BECAUSE TONIGHT, MI AMOR, YOU DRINK FROM THE BOTTLE."
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Marine Corp's General Reinwald was interviewed on the
radio the other day and you have to read his reply to the
lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children.
Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love
this!!!!
This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a
portion of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a
female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald
who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his
military installation.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things
are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your
base?
GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing,
canoeing, archery, and shooting.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible,
isn't it?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly
supervised on the rifle range.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly
dangerous activity to be teaching children?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching
them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent
killers.
GENERAL REINWALD: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be
a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?
The radio went silent and the interview ended.
You gotta love the Marines!
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Since we're talking about the military...
This is a true story.
My dad, at one time, had a client in Crookston, MN, about 30 miles from Grand Forks. This client was a truck driver, and he was dispatched to make an emergency run to Texas to deliver a load of potatoes for the Air Force. When he got down there, he asked where the Air Force needed these potatoes so badly. He was told they were going to Grand Forks AFB.
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If you guys like military humor, go to our link site on the CW-website and check out
"Operation Elusive Concept", they got some pretty funny stuff in there.
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Found this online about a month ago thought some of u guys might like it.
Airspeed: Speed of an airplane. Deduct 25% when listening to a Navy pilot.
Bank: The folks who hold the lien on most pilots' cars.
Cone of Confusion: An area about the size of New Jersey, located near the final approach beacon at an airport.
Crab: The squadron Ops Officer.
Dead Reckoning: You reckon correctly, or you are.
Engine Failure: A condition which occurs when all fuel tanks mysteriously become filled with air.
Firewall: Section of the aircraft specially designed to let heat and smoke enter the cockpit.
Glide Distance: Half the distance from the airplane to the nearest emergency landing field.
Hydroplane: An airplane designed to land on a 20,000 foot long wet runway.
IFR: A method of flying by needle and ripcord.
Lean Mixture: Nonalcoholic beer
Nanosecond: Time delay built into the stall warning system.
Parasitic Drag: A pilot who bums a ride and complains about the service.
Range: Usually about 30 miles beyond the point where all fuel tanks fill with air.
Rich Mixture: What you order at the other guy's promotion party.
Roger: Used when you're not sure what else to say.
Service Ceiling: Altitude at which cabin crews can serve drinks.
Spoilers: The Federal Aviation Administration.
Stall - Technique used to explain to the bank why you car payment is late.
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Good one!!
This has "Chicken Wings" and Chuck written all over it!!
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Let it never be said the FAA doesn't have a sense of humor sometimes too!
This is the actual lighting control panel in the tower cab at KSUS!
Enjoy!
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Now THIS is what I call a STEALTH Fighter!
Ladies and gentlemen... the F-22 Raptor!
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"Oh my god..........that's why it tastes sooooooo.....?!"
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Two nuns, Sister Anne and Sister Noreen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.* Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.
"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Noreen. "What shall we do?"
"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Anne.
Sister Noreen switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
"What shall I do now?" she shouts.
"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican," says Sister Anne.
Sister Noreen turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
"Show him your cross," says Sister Anne.
"Now you're talking," says Sister Noreen. She opens the window and shouts, "Get the f*** off our car!!!!!"
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a blonde a redhead and a brunette (who are all pregnant) are sitting in the gynocologists office and they strike up a conversation about the future sex of their babies... the brunette looks demurely up and says "I'm going to have a Girl because I was on the bottom" the redhead looks at her with a slight sneer and haughtily says "I'm going to have a boy because I was on top!" the blonde looks around in a state of panic looks nervousely around the room and says "OH NO! I'm going to have puppies!"
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GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1. No matter how hard you try, you can't baptise cats.
2. when your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3. If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4. Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5. You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6. Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7. Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10. The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1. Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2. Wrinkles don't hurt.
3. Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4. Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5. Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6. Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.
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Used to be;
Memory was something you lost with age
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano
A web was a spider's home
A virus was the flu
A CD was a bank account
A hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And if you had a 3 inch floppy. . . you just hoped nobody ever found out!
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HA HA!! good one :D
The last one is great!!
This here is not really a joke, but I saw this on a fire up North (Idaho or Oregon) on a big helibase
with tons of port-a-potties:
On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
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LOL!!! i love it! good one mike!
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The
salesgirl notices him and asks if she can help him. He answers that he
looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs down the correct
aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls on the
counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for tampons for your
wife?"
"You see it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a
carton of cigarettes and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some
rolling paper. So, I figure, if I have to roll my own, so does she!"
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**Texas Justice**
A big-city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick-Rule."
The lawyer asked, What is the Texas Three-Kick-Rule?."
The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on this belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "OK, you old coot! now, it's my turn." The old farmer smiled and said, "No I give up, you can have the duck."
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Guy walks by the petshop and sees a sign: Parrot: $20. Wow he thinks, I've always wanted a parrot, this must be my lucky day! He walks in and sees the bird, an enormous brilliant macaw, beautiful plumage [/monty python], looks completely healthy, well behaved. So now that little voice that says "caveat emptor" prompts him to ask the petshop owner to explain why the low low price.
The petshop owner says that he's had a hard time placing the bird because he's and adult and a big one, not a cute little baby to be trained, etc.
The guy asks, "Can he talk?"
"Um, sure" says the petshop owner. Suspicious, like. Finally the petshop owner comes clean and confesses. "Yes, he can talk. But that the bird swears like a sailor, he can make Hells Angels cry, he swears for 10 minutes straight without repeating himself, and no one wants a bird that cusses loudly all the time."
Now the guy is torn. Is this the fatal flaw? Arrrrgh! Well, for $20 he decides to take a chance, they do the deal and the bird goes home with the guy.
A couple of weeks pass and the guy comes back to the petshop for some bird supplies. The owner is pleasantly surprised to see the man and not the bird and asks how things are going.
"Great, great, really great." says the guy.
"No problems with the, um, swearing?" asks the petshop owner.
"Well, at first it was cute and then it kind of got out of hand. So I told the bird that he needed to cool down."
"That worked? Cool down?"
"Yeah, sure. That is one really intelligent bird. Gentle as a lamb now."
Petshop owner deals with animals all the time and knows there's more to the story and when pressed the guy admits it.
"Actually, I put him in the freezer. After a minute or two of a helluva racket, he quieted down. I took him out and all was well after that."
"He stopped talking?!"
"No, he just calmly climbed onto my outstretched arm and said, 'Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on.'"
The petshop owner is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot. so he asks "That's it?"
"Oh no," the guy replies "he did say one more thing: 'By the way, what did that chicken ever do to you?'"
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Seen in a Biff's company porta-potty on a bike ride:
Dear Big Biff and Litte Biff,
I lost my contact lens. If found, please call 555-5555
--Blind Biker
Seen in same porta-potty, the next day:
Dear Blind,
We did not find your contact. However, we did find a pair of dentures, which were returned.
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HAHAHA---ROFL!!!!!
These are great jokes, I hope I can remember them--at my age I have a problem remembering things, also, at my age, I have a problem remembering things.
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what were you talking about? i'm sorry, i just forgot that i need another beer! ohh, must be A.D.D. on my part.....wait, i've heard about this thing called schitzophrenia is that the same as dimentia or i forget, alziemers? (sp i know, just roll with the joke...)
just roll with the open season on plthinjx :D
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A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers." He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bulldog.
"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat.
When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his balls and not let go.
The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."
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Sven and Ole are cleaning out the latrine one day (there's no running water in ND), and they look down the hole and see a quarter. Well, Ole reaches into his wallet, pulls out a $5 bill, and throws it down the hole.
Sven asks, "What're ya doin', Ole!?"
Ole says, "You don't think I'm going down there for a measley quarter, do ya?"
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The Bus Trip
Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter
a double-decker bus for a week-end gambling trip to Louisiana. The
Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top
level. The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a
great time, when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the
Blondes upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate. When the Brunette
reached the top, she found all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight
ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.
The brunette asked, "What the heck's going on up here? We're having a great
time downstairs!" One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard
and whispered:
YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!
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I just realized that Firegirl has a Jack Handy quote on her signature.
Do you guys know Jack Handy? (they had a skid on SNL every now and then...)
Here is one of my favorite "deep thoughts":
It takes a big man to cry,
but it takes a bigger man
to laugh at that man.
:D haha,... totally off the wall poetry...
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Isn't Jack Handy the best?
Here is something else for you guys. Read and learn:
Woman are evil by nature....
A sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub...She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no," he replied.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.
"Tell him," she whispered, "there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.
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If a child asks me why it's raining, I would say, "Because God is crying."
If he asks why God is crying, I would say, "Probably because of something you did."
--Jack Handy
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Women ARE evil. Here's a mathematical proof.
If you have a wife/girlfriend, you need to spend time with them. We all know that time is money. And money is the root of all evil.
So, if
Women = Time
Time = Money
Money = Evil,
Then
Women = Evil
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Ever heard the one about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac who stayed awake nights contemplating the meaning of Dog? ???
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If a child asks me why it's raining, I would say, "Because God is crying."
If he asks why God is crying, I would say, "Probably because of something you did."
--Jack Handy
If trees could scream,
would we be so cavalier
about cutting them down?
We might, if they screamed
all the time, for no good reason.
--Jack Handy
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WOW DUDE--It's like REEEALY getting philosophical here, ya know?
I yam who I yam-----Popeye
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Truly superior pilots are those who use their superior judgment to avoid those situations where they might have to use their superior skills.
Regards engine power: Lots is good, more is better, and too much is just enough.
A checkride ought to be like a skirt, short enough to be interesting but still be long enough to cover everything.
Experience is the knowledge that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
Speed is life, altitude is life insurance.
Flying is the second greatest thrill known to man.... Landing is the first!
Every one already knows the definition of a 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. But very few know the definition of a 'great landing.' It's one after which you can use the airplane another time.
That's it for now, I'm giving small amounts so you can enjoy each one to the fullest :)
Frank
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Btw, thank you one and all for the great posts.
About Firegirl's picture with the Spam-ad then allow me to post Bill Engvall's joke:
SPAM: Stuff Posting As Meat
About the fighter and bomber then my favourite is the variant with a F-14 and B-52 and the trick was that the bomber-pilot switched off two engines LOL. Btw, love the CW vote incentive: "Comming in hot on one engine: in a 172 :D
Frank
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And now what to my knowledge is a true story and even from my home-country!
A beautiful summer day with good thermals, near Billund airport, Denmark:
Billund ATC: "Gliders 82 and D5, state position and altitude?"
82: Overhead Coal Lake, 6400 feet."
D5: "Same position, same altitude."
ATC (cool, dry voice): "So should I go get my collision report form??"
And another personal favourite of mine:
Tower: "Mission 123, do you have problems?"
Pilot: "I think, I have lost my compass."
Tower: "Judging the way you are flying, you lost the whole instrument panel!"
And some more funny ones:
Tower: "Hawk 20, is this the same aircraft declaring emergency about two hours ago ?"
Pilot: "Negative, Sir. It's only the same pilot."
Controller: "FAR1234 confirm your type of aircraft. Are you an Airbus 330 or 340?"
Pilot: "A340 of course!"
Controller: "Then would you mind switching on the two other engines and give me a 1000 feet per minute, please?"
727 pilot: "Do you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make a 360 in this airplane?"
Controller: "Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth."
Controller: "USA353 (sic) contact Cleveland Center 135.60.
(pause)
Controller: "USA353 contact Cleveland Center 135.60!"
(pause)
Controller: "USA353 you're just like my wife you never listen!"
Pilot: "Center, this is USA553, maybe if you called her by the right name you'd get a better response!"
Pilot: Oakland Ground, Cessna 1234 at Sierra Academy. Taxi, Destination Stockton
Ground: Cessna 1234, Taxi Approved, report leaving the airport
Cessna 152: "Flight Level Three Thousand, Seven Hundred"
Controller: "Roger, contact Houston Space Center"
Frank
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so Mike.....is THIS how you walk your dog?!?!? lazy man. just lazy. ::) 8) ;D
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so Mike.....is THIS how you walk your dog?!?!? lazy man. just lazy. ::) 8) ;D
LOL!! You know... it could also be that the dog is taking the chopper for a walk! :))
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so Mike.....is THIS how you walk your dog?!?!? lazy man. just lazy. ::) 8) ;D
What an interesting and complicated looking kite this dog is flying?!!! ;D
Amazing! Must be a circus dog...
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Is that really a real photo or edited? If it is real then it surely is a fantastic photo and a very calm dog. It reminds me of a commercial I saw of a Hughes (or whatever it's called now) helicopter with a helicopter hovering right behind a old farm porch with a dog lying there and then it lifts off and then a bird or something small comes by and that makes the dog react, but not the helicopter.
Frank
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that seems like a cool commercial. So you have it as a wmv file somewhere?
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Is that really a real photo or edited? If it is real then it surely is a fantastic photo and a very calm dog. It reminds me of a commercial I saw of a Hughes (or whatever it's called now) helicopter with a helicopter hovering right behind a old farm porch with a dog lying there and then it lifts off and then a bird or something small comes by and that makes the dog react, but not the helicopter.
Frank
Dogs can be funny that way. They'll stick their heads out a car window at 60 MPH and love it! Yet, if you blow in their face, they'll scamper! Go figure!
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I've heard that dogs and helicopters are actually dangerous. Something about getting under the tail rotor...Know anything about that Mike?
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It's true!
It has something to do with the dogs not appreciating the sound of certain tail-rotors. There are quite a number of occurances where a dog ran up to the T/R and jumped up into it, trying to bite it, and so on...
...it's a mess! You always want to watch dogs when you're landing a helo AND you should watch your dog if you happen to be in close proximity of running helicopters.
And even a dog who doesn't mind the sound is tall enough to just run into it trying to zip around the back of the aircraft really quick....
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I didn't know that about dogs, I guess a dog isn't a helicopter pilots best friend then hehe. Btw about the commercial then I sadly don't have it, and I couldn't find it of hand, but maybe one of the avaition video sites has it?
Frank
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low time commercial pilot piggy bank:
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Lol thanks for another great one :D
Frank
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Q: Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
A: Because It Scares The Dog.
Q: What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A: A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.
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Women's Friends: A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house.
The husband called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew what she was talking about.
~~~~~~~
Men's Friends: A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house.
The wife called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed he was still there.
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;D ;D
Woman are evil by nature....
A sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub...She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no," he replied.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender barely managed to say.
"Tell him," she whispered, "there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."
;)
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Nice jokes, although didn't someone post that last one already or was that another place I read it? Anyway, a good one saying that women are actually smart! (I really hope this isn't a repost but I don't have the energy to scan thrue the thread atm):
Do you know who I am
An award should go to the gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
During the final days at the old Stapleton airport, a crowded flight was cancelled.
A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS." The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"
Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the agent, gritted his teeth and swore "F### you."
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."
The man retreated as the people in the terminal applauded loudly. Although the flight was cancelled and people were late, they were no longer angry.
====
Why Airplanes Are Better than Women
An airplane will kill you quick . . . a woman takes her time.
Airplanes like to do it inverted.
Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.
An airplane does not get mad if you 'touch and go.'
An airplane does not object to a preflight inspection.
Airplanes come with manuals.
Airplanes have strict weight and balance limits.
You can fly an airplane any time of the month.
Airplanes don't have parents.
Airplanes don't whine unless something is really wrong.
Airplanes don't care about how many other airplanes you have flown.
When flying, you and your airplane both arrive at the same time.
Airplanes don't mind if you look at other airplanes, or if you buy
airplane magazines.
If your airplane is too loose, you can tighten it.
It's always OK to use tie downs on your airplane.
====
And now the Pilot's Prayer (a personal favourite of mine btw):
The Pilot's Prayer
Oh controller, who sits in tower
Hallowed be thy sector.
Thy traffic come, thy instructions be done
On the ground as they are in the air.
Give us this day our radar vectors,
And forgive us our TCA incursions
As we forgive those who cut us off on final.
And lead us not into adverse weather,
But deliver us our clearances.
Roger.
====
Frank
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Nice jokes, although didn't someone post that last one already or was that another place I read it? Anyway, a good one saying that women are actually smart!
HA HA !!!
That's totally possible. I would be the first one to take the blame too! :D
I admit I have CRS!
It has it's advantages though:
You meet new people every day, never hear the same stupid joke twice,... the list goes on...
I also couldn't tell you if there is a joke in here twice, because by the time I see it again I already forgot I already read it....
A.D.D. combined with C.R.S. what a combination!! ;D
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Ok this can't be a repost, I would have really remembered this, and actually appearently this is a real thing but it deserves to be here!
http://cgi.ebay.com/ebaymotors/Cessna-150-Drive-it-on-the-street-One-of-a-kind_W0QQitemZ4612652435QQcategoryZ26428QQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem#ebayphotohosting
In the early 20th century there were propeller-driven vehicles made in Europe at least but this..... :o ??? ::)
And about the salespitch then I'd have to say no I wouldn't look at the store it was parked in front of, I'd take one look at the plane, and then get the heck away from there because the person that had that must be nuts :D
Frank
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Airplanes come with manuals.
I think this is the most significant observation of the bunch.
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Ok this can't be a repost, I would have really remembered this, and actually appearently this is a real thing but it deserves to be here!
http://cgi.ebay.com/ebaymotors/Cessna-150-Drive-it-on-the-street-One-of-a-kind_W0QQitemZ4612652435QQcategoryZ26428QQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem#ebayphotohosting
In the early 20th century there were propeller-driven vehicles made in Europe at least but this..... :o ??? ::)
And about the salespitch then I'd have to say no I wouldn't look at the store it was parked in front of, I'd take one look at the plane, and then get the heck away from there because the person that had that must be nuts :D
Frank
HAHAHEHEHEH!!!
What an ignoble end for a little airplane----I love the engine, don't know if it can turn that fan thingy on the front fast enough to cool the pilot but it probably has a better panel then that 172 I've been flying.
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A man took his wife to the doctor. After many tests, the doctor told the husband "we're not sure if she has Alzheimer's or AIDS".
The husband the doctor what he should do.
"drive her across town and leave her there" replied the doctor, "and if she makes it home, don't #$@% her."
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Two men are driving through New York when they get pulled over by a State
Trooper. The cop walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick.
The driver rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him in the head
with the stick. The driver asks, "What the hell was that for?"
The cop answers, "You're in New York son. When we pull you over, you better
have your license ready when we get to your car."
The driver says, "I'm sorry, Officer, I'm not from around here."
The cop runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy
his license back, walks around to the passenger side, and taps on the window.
The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him on the head
with the nightstick.
The passenger asks, "What'd you do that for?"
The cop says, "Just making your wish come true."
The passenger asks, "Making what wish come true?"
The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say to your
buddy, 'I wish that jerk would've tried that crap with me!'"
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"I wish he'd tried that crap on me"
HAHAHAHA---ROFLMAO---GOD!, That is so real life---most of us have been there!
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yeah, that's about par for the course. personally i can't stand cops. here's another cop joke:
One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow tumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys in five different cars before he found his. Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone else left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy.".
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personally i can't stand cops.
I had friends in high school that said that. I always said that if you didn't break the law, you wouldn't have a problem with them. ;D
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EAsy on the cop jokes---my son is a cop---It's just a friggin job! good thing he knows that they're still telling stories about his old man down at the cop shop!!!
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ok, let me clarify: i don't like some cops. the ones that give the good cops a bad rap.
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A psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog's IQ.
Here's how it works: if you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.
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Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.
"So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home.
"Great," Little Johnny replied.
"Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother.
"Yeah, Daddy especially liked it," exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly, especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!"
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Well, if there weren't good cops and bad cops, how would they implement the "good cop - bad cop" interrogation technique? ;D
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Well, if there weren't good cops and bad cops, how would they implement the "good cop - bad cop" interrogation technique? ;D
HMMMMMMM--Deep thought!!! ???
Stef, yer scarin' me with this philosophical thread!!
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As we age, our priorities change....
The other day I came home and was greeted by my wife, dressed only in very
sexy underwear and holding a couple of short velvet ropes.
"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So, I tied her up and went flying.
;D
TM
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Turbomallard, I shot wine (Sonama Valley-of course) out my nose on that one!!!!! ;D
I used to say I'd rather fly than **** because I can fly for hours---then came Viagra so now it's a toss up.
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Turbomallard, I shot wine (Sonama Valley-of course) out my nose on that one!!!!! ;D
Well, I hope it didn't hurt too much.
On another note... I can't wait for the guys to incorporate the "bit" in question into a strip for the comic!
It would be tough to sell in terms of believability, though... I mean, Chuck having a wife?
TM
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Good ones indeed!!!! :D
Here's another I saw the other day....
An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.
A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready."All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except the lawyers are still going around passing out business cards.
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FBI
The FBI had an opening for an assassin.
After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done there were 3 finalists. Two men and a woman.
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife
sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!"
"The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife"
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, She wiped the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."
MORAL : Women are evil
Don't mess with them !!!!!!!!
Whoa!! Heh heh heh.......
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Here's one that might be rather old. But it's probably my most favourite sexist joke! :)
God had just created paradise and Adam. At first Adam was enjoying this place very much, but eventually he got bored of being alone, so he went to god and asked if he couldn't create something for him to help him pass the time.
And God said: "Why sure! I have something great for you! It's called 'woman', my newest invention, but it isn't cheap".
Adam: "Hm sounds nice! Tell me more about it!"
God: "Well, it's another human being, almost like you, but slightly different. She would be a great companion for you. She would admire you and love you, she would tend to your every needs, be a great cook, and not only look extremely hot and be naughty in bed, but also be truly faithful to you!"
Adam: "WOW!!! That sounds great! How much would this cost?"
God: "An arm and a leg."
Adam (hesitating): "Oh... and what would I get for, let's say, a rib?"
;D ;D
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A blonde was speeding in a 35 mile per hour zone when a local police cruiser pulled her over and the officer walked up to the car. The female Police officer also happened to be a blonde and she asked for the blonde's driver's license.
The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman "What does a driver's license look like?"
Irritated, the blonde cop said "It's got your picture on it!" The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small rectangular mirror down at the bottom.
She held it up to her face and said, "Aha! This must be my driver's license" and handed it to the blonde policewoman.
The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said, "You're free to go. And, if I had known you were a police officer too, we could have avoided all this hassle."
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How To Clean A Toilet, The "FUN" Way ...
1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.
4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.
Sincerely,
The Dog
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God had just finished creating the universe and everything in it, and had two things left in his "Universe Creation Bag."
He goes to Adam and Eve and says, "I have two things left that I haven't distributed, and I think you would like them. The first is the ability to pee standing up..."
"Ooh, ooh, I want that! I'd really like that! Can I please have that?", shouts Adam.
"Sure", says God, and Adam runs all over the garden, peeing on everything.
"What's left?", asks Eve.
"Multiple orgasms."
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Funny!
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HA HA, funny.
Hey, I just realized something G-Driver! ???
Shouldn't your avatar be a Gulfstream??? . . . I mean, . . . well. . . you know....
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I thought it'd be cool if I had a pic that I took. Haven't had a camera in hand when I've been around Gulfstreams. I was in Park Rapids when two of 3M's G3's came in. That was pretty cool, but, alas, no camera.
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The dog's diary:
7 am - Oh boy! A walk! My favorite!
8 am- Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9 am- Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!
Noon- Oh boy! The yard! My favorite!
2 pm- Oh boy! A car ride! My favorite!
3 pm- Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!
4 pm- Oh boy! Playing ball! My favorite!
6 pm- Oh boy! Welcome home Mom! My favorite!
7 pm- Oh boy! Welcome home Dad! My favorite!
8 pm- Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9 pm- Oh boy! Tummy rubs on the couch! My favorite!
11 pm- Oh boy! Sleeping in my people's bed! My favorite!
The cat's diary:
Day 183 of my captivity...
My captors continued to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from clawing the furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another house plant.
Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded. Maybe I should try this at the top of the stairs.
In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair - must try this on their bed.
Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little kitty cat I was. This is not working according to plan.
There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary confinement throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More important, I overheard that my confinement was due to my powers of inducing something called "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit.
The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant. He speaks with them regularly, and I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait.
It's only a matter of time.
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Geeesh... Thanks Jinx! I certainly look at my cat under a different light now...
(Good one, by the way!)
Saludos!
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Thats why the cats stay outside and the dogs are allowed inside.
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Thats why the cats stay outside and the dogs are allowed inside.
YA THINK! :P
Animals in this house aren't allowed anything---they believe they are entitled!
I share my bed with a tall brunette, an old cat who thinks she owns the bed, and 2 Jack Russells who take up more room than a pony.
Occasionally, someone gets pushed off the bed and it's usually me.
If they made a bed larger than King Size, I'd buy one.
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Yeah I have the same problem except its a twin size and all there is, is me and a fat Brittny Spaniel.
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From our Boeing - Take Your Kid to Work Day event ;D
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Animals in this house aren't allowed anything---they believe they are entitled!
I know people you could say that about, too.
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HA HA!
That's a great one Ted!
Makes me wonder what you guys do there at work....
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LOL cats, gotta love them! I look at Garfield and Buckles every day :)
I have a cut-out Garfield-strip from the newspaper on the wall:
Jon: When shall I wake you up? Garfield, out of bed, hands on Jon's collar and looking him dead in the eyes with an evil expression like only a cat can do: When you're feeling really brave! Next panel: That should give me the millenium-kingdom. I just love that one :D
Great classic picture too :D
I've attached one I found somewhere, however I can't find it again on the listed site but they do have a big list of written aviation humour though.
I just love that joke, it's almost Chuck-worthy isn't it? :D
Frank
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I got this in an email a few months ago. Feel free to remove it if it's too long.
Inspector Carl N Frank
Flight Standards District Office
Oklahoma City, OK
Dear Mr. Frank:
Here is the letter you asked me to send you about my flight back in December. First of all, I would like to thank that very nice, older fellow you had with you yesterday, you know, the one who took my student pilot's license and told me I wouldn't need it any more. I guess that means that he is giving me my full-fledged pilot's license. After all that happened yesterday, I have earned it. You should watch that fellow though. After I told him about the flight, he seemed quite nervous and his hands were shaking. He said he had never heard anything like it before.
Anyhow, here is what happened. The weather has been so bad here in Ardmore since I soloed last week that I had not been able to go flying. But yesterday I wasn't about to let low ceilings and visibility, and a little freezing drizzle stop me from flying up to Oklahoma City and back. I was pretty proud of having soloed in only 6 hours, so I invited John Winters, my next door neighbor, to go with me. We planned to fly up to Oklahoma City Will Rogers airport, which, as you know, is less than 100 miles from Ardmore. There is this excellent restaurant on Meridian just north of I-40 that serves absolutely wonderful char broiled steaks and the greatest mixed drinks.
Well, on the way to the airport the road was icy and our car slid in the ditch. I can see why they say that the most dangerous part of a trip is the drive to the airport. My neighbor was a little concerned about the weather, but when I reminded him once again about those steaks and the booze that we would soon be enjoying, he seemed much happier.
When we arrived at the airport there were still a few snow showers around but the freezing drizzle had almost stopped. I checked the weather and was assured that it was solid IFR all the way. I was delighted the weather was so good. When I talked to the man who runs the airport, I found out that the airplane I had been flying was covered with ice. You can imagine my disappointment. Just then a friendly young line boy suggested that I take one of the airplanes that was in the hanger. I told him to pull one out. I saw immediately that it was very much like the Cessna 150 I have been flying. I think he called it a 337. he told me it was also made by Cessna. I noticed right away that it had two tails, but I didn't say anything because, well, I was in a hurry. Oh yes, it had a spare engine too.
I unlocked the door and we climbed in. I began looking for the place to put the key. Now I don't want to get anyone in trouble, but it shouldn't be necessary to get out the airplane manual and follow the checklist just to fly an airplane. That's ridiculous. I never saw so many dials and needles and knobs and handles and switches. As we both know, they have simplified this a lot in the 150. I forgot to mention that I did file a flight plan with the guy in the tower, he said I would need to because of the weather.
When I told him I was flying a pressurized Skymaster (that's what it said on the control wheel) he said it was all right to go up Victor-163 all the way. I don't know why he called it a victor, I guess that's just his pet name for an interstate highway. And besides, it is I-35 not 163. But those fellows try to do a good job. They told me a lot of other stuff too, but you know how much red tape there is when you deal with the government.
The takeoff was one of my best, and as I carefully left the pattern just the way the book says it should be done, I noticed that the Skymaster doesn't climb as good as the 150. The tower told me to contact Fort Worth Center. I dialed in the frequency that he gave me but it seemed kind of silly to call them since I wasn't going to Fort Worth. Just then there must have been some kind of emergency because a lot of airline pilots began yelling stuff at the same time and made such a racket that I turned my radio off. You'd think that those professionals would be better trained. I-35 was right under me, and since from that I knew that I was on course, I went right on up into the clouds. After all, it was snowing so hard by now that it was a waste of time to look outside, you could only see about a quarter of a mile. Going into the clouds was a bad thing to do, I realized, since my neighbor undoubtedly wanted to see the scenery, especially the snow cover on the Arbuckle Mountains ahead of us. But everyone has to be disappointed some time, and we pilots have to make the best of it, don't we?
It was pretty much smooth flying, and with the ice and snow that seemed to be forming all over the windshield, there wasn't much to see. I will say that I handled the controls quite easily for a pilot of only six hours.
My computer and pencils fell out of my shirt pocket once, but sometimes these things happen I am told. I don't expect you to believe this, but one time my pocket watch was standing straight up on its chain. That was pretty funny, and I asked my neighbor to look, but he just kept staring straight ahead with sort of a glassy look in his eyes. I figured that he was afraid of heights, like all non-pilots are. By the way, something was wrong with the altimeter. It kept winding and unwinding all the time.
Finally I decided we had flown about long enough to be in Oklahoma City. I had it all worked out on my E6B computer. I am a whiz at that computer, but something must have gone wrong with it, since when I came down to look for the airport there wasn't anything there except a lot of houses. Those weather people had sure been wrong too. It was real marginal conditions, with a ceiling of about 100 feet. You just can't trust anybody in this business except yourself, right? Why, there were even thunderstorms going on, with an occasional bolt of lightning. I decided that my neighbor should see how beautiful it was, and the way the lightning seemed to turn that snow on the roof tops all yellow; and the roof tops were so close that it looked like you could just reach out and touch them. But I guess he was asleep, having gotten over his fear of height, and I didn't want to wake him up.
Anyway, just then I had an emergency. The front engine ran out of gas. It really didn't worry me since I had read the book, and knew right where the other ignition switch was. I just fired up the spare engine on the back and we kept on going. This business of having two engines one in front and one in back, is really a safety factor. If one quits, the other is right back there ready to go. Maybe all airplanes should have two engines. You might suggest this and get an award (we could split the cash). As pilot-in-command, I take my responsibilities very seriously. It was apparent that I would have to go down lower and keep a sharp eye in such bad weather. I was glad that my neighbor was asleep because it was pretty dark under the cloud, and if it hadn't been for the lightning flashes it would have been hard to read the road signs through the ice on the windshield. The landing lights were not very bright either. You would think they would have melted the ice that covered them but they didn't. Several cars ran off the road when we passed, and you can sure see what then mean about flying being a lot safer than driving.
To make a long story short, I finally spotted Tinker Air Force Base, and since we were already late for cocktails and dinner, I decided to land there. It being an Air Force base, I knew it had plenty of runway, and I could already see a red-colored light in the control tower, so I knew they were still celebrating Christmas and we were welcome. Somebody told me that you can always talk to these military people on the international emergency frequency, so I tried it, but you wouldn't believe the language I heard. Those people ought to be straightened out by somebody, and I would like to complain as a taxpayer. Evidently they were expecting somebody to come in and land, because they kept talking about clearing the airspace for some damned stupid, incompetent SOB up in the clouds.
I wanted to be helpful so I landed on the taxiway to be out of the way in case that other fellow needed the runway. A lot of people came running out waving at us. It was pretty evident that they had never seen a Skymaster land on a taxiway before. That general with the nasty temper was real mad about something. I tried to explain to him in a reasonable manner that I didn't think the tower operator should be swearing at that guy up there, but his face was so red that I think he must have a drinking problem.
Well, that's about all. After your two FAA inspectors left, the weather got really bad so I got one of the Air Force guys to drive me to where I could rent a car and drive back home. I never did get my steak and drinks. My neighbor stayed there at the hospital in Oklahoma City. He can't write you a letter just yet because he's still not awake. Poor fellow, he must have the flu or something. Let me know if you need anything else, and by the way, send my new pilot's license airmail special delivery.
Very truly yours,
Thurman J. Mudbojne
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Another long post... It was sent to me by a good friend:
A little known fact is the origin of the word, "Aviator." In the immortal words of Johnny Carson: "I didn't know that."
Phu Khen (pronounced Foo Ken) 1169-? is considered by some to be the most under-recognized military officer in history. Many have never heard of his contributions to modern military warfare. The mission of this secret society is to bring honor to the name of Phu Khen.
A 'Khen' was a subordinate to a 'Khan' (pronounced 'konn') in the military structure of the Mongol hordes. Khan is Turkish for leader. Most know of the great Genghis Khan, but little has been written of his chain of command.
Khen is also of Turkish origin. Although there is not a word in English that adequately conveys the meaning. Roughly translated, it means, "One who will do the impossible, while appearing unprepared and complaining constantly."
Phu Khen was one of ten Khens that headed the divisions, or groups of hordes, as they were known, of the Mongol Army serving under Genghis Khan. His abilities came to light during the Mongols' raids on the Turkistan city of Bohicaroo. Bohicans were fierce warriors and the city was well fortified. The entire city was protected by huge walls and the hordes were at a standoff with the Bohicans. Bohicaroo was well-stocked and it would be difficult to wait them out. Genghis Khan assembled his Khens and ordered each of them to develop a plan for penetrating the defenses of Bohicaroo.
Operation Achieve Victory (AV) was born. All 10 divisions of Khens submitted their plan. After reviewing AV plans 1 thru 7 and finding them all unworkable or ridiculous, Genghis Khan was understandably upset. It was with much perspiration that Phu Khen submitted his idea, which came to be known as AV 8. Upon seeing AV 8, Genghis was convinced this was the perfect plan and gave his immediate approval. The plan was beautifully simple. Phu Khen would arm his hordes to the teeth, load them into catapults, and hurl them over the wall. The losses were expected to be high, but hey, hordes were cheap! Those that survived the flight would engage the enemy in combat. Those that did not? Well, surely their flailing bodies would cause some damage.
The plan worked and the Bohicans were defeated. From that day on, whenever the Mongol Army encountered an insurmountable enemy, Genghis Khan would give the order, "Send some of Phu Khen's AV 8-ers." This is believed, though not by anyone outside our secret society, to be the true origin of the word Aviator (AV 8-er).
Phu Khen's AV 8-ers were understandably an unruly mob, not likely to be socially acceptable. Many were heavy drinkers and insomniacs. But when nothing else would do, you could always count on an AV 8-er. A Phu Khen Aviator. Denied, perhaps rightfully so, his place in history, Phu Khen has been, nonetheless, immortalized in prose.
As the great poet Norman Lear never once said:
"There once was a man named Phu Khen, Whose breakfast was whiskey and gin.
Whene'er he'd fly, He'd give a mighty war cry: Bend over, here it comes again."
Consider it an honor to be a Phu Khen Aviator. Wear the mantle proudly, but speak of it cautiously. It is not always popular to be one of us. You hear mystical references, often hushed whispers, to 'those Phu Khen Aviators.' Do not let these things bother you. As with any secret society, we go largely misunderstood, prohibited by our apathy from explaining ourselves.
You are expected to always live down to the reputation of the Phu Khen Aviator...a reputation cultivated for centuries, undaunted by scorn or ridicule, unhindered by progress. So drink up, be crude, sleep late, urinate in public, and get the job done.
When others are offended, you can revel in the knowledge that...
YOU are a PHU KHEN AVIATOR!
Cheers!
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ROFL, I read that story for the first time a long time ago and I actually thought it was a real letter at first but there's no way that one person did all that in one flight although I do believe that there have been so-called aviators that have done some of things but only one at a time, hopefully. When I first read Mr. Frank I though, what is it something for me? Then I recognized it :D
And MO, that one is new to me, and ROFL at that one too :D
Thanks for sharing :D
Frank
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A couple was invited to a masked costume Halloween party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his Batman costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain, and, as it was still early, decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought he would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when he was not with him. She put on her Goldilock's costume.
So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he cuddle and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.
After some more to drink he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little quickie in the back seat. Just before unmasking, she slipped away and went home and put her costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening."
"You must have looked really silly wearing that Batman costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm. To which the husband replied, actually, I gave my Batman costume to your Dad. Apparently he had a whale of a time. He told me he got lucky with a hottie in a Goldilock's outfit"
Moral of the story: Women should not try to sneak up on their man
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eeeewwwww
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A short pilot film.....
http://www.hackermovies.de/moviefiles/HM_RacingBeats.wmv
::) ;D
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That's great! :D :D
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That's great! :D :D
:D Glad you like it! I was rolling when I saw it the first time :D
I've got some others I'll have to post here tomorrow :)
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Good deal.
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:D Glad you like it! I was rolling when I saw it the first time :D
HA HA AWESOME!! That's what I just did! :D (imagine me holding my belly as we speak)
He's even got the wheels cocked against the direction of the spin just like in a real car....
:D
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Ah so that's where that movie came from, the place I saw it first didn't have the start+finish titles on, so this is actually not made by a pro company but private people? That's even more impressive! (even though of course I know that private people can have skills to rival pros but pros normally have a lot of helpful resources that can make a big difference).
Frank
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;D I love the little finishing touch of the landging gear collapse at the end too ;D
Those guys sure know how to put together a great film!
Here's one for those of you with a new computer mouse ;D
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Got milk?
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I know these have been traveling the internet for years... but they are funny:
What is brown and sticky? A stick.
What has 4 legs is big, green, fuzzy, and if fell out of a tree would kill you? A pool table.
Why do elephants paint their toenails red? To hide in Cherry trees. Have you ever seen an elephant in a Cherry tree? The nail polish must be working.
If you're dusting a room to remove dust, what do you call it when you try to add dust? Isn't that dusting???
If there is no such thing as a stupid question, what is this?
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous
If I could eat two sugars at once, would that make me ambidextrose?
Why does everybody say it's the quiet ones you need to look out for? I'm worried about that very pissed and very loud man in the middle of the street with a chainsaw and a shotgun.
Eagles may soar, but weasels do not get sucked into jet engines.
The early bird gets the worm, but it still has to eat worms!
The second mouse gets the cheese.
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Why Engineers Don't Write Recipe Books:
Chocolate Chip Cookies:
Ingredients:
532.35 cm3 gluten
4.9 cm3 NaHCO3
4.9 cm3 refined halite
236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11
177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11
4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde
Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein
473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao
236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)
To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients one, two and three with constant agitation. In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is homogenous. To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the homogenous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add ingredient nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction.
Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston's first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown. Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25C heat-transfer table, allowing the product to come to equilibrium.
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Why Engineers Don't Write Recipe Books:
Chocolate Chip Cookies:
Ingredients:
532.35 cm3 gluten
4.9 cm3 NaHCO3
4.9 cm3 refined halite
236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11
177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11
4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde
Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein
473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao
236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)
To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients one, two and three with constant agitation. In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is homogenous. To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the homogenous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add ingredient nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction.
Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston's first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown. Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25C heat-transfer table, allowing the product to come to equilibrium.
Excellent!!! ;D Thanks for sharing! ;D
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Overheard on the radio around Lambert, St. Louis back in the days of TWA...
TWA Flt XYZ: "St. Louis, Trans World XYZ, outer marker inbound, over."
.... no response.....
TWA Flt XYZ (a little more loudly): "St. Louis, Trans World XYZ, outer marker inbound, over!"
..... again... no response....
TWA Flt XYZ (a tad bit louder still): "St. Louis, Trans World XYZ, outer marker inbound, over!"
STL Tower: "Trans World XYZ standby! We're changing controllers over here!"
.... a brief pause...
Unknown ID: "So, what do you use? Huggies, or Pampers?"
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Children's books that never made it:
1. You Are Different and That's Bad
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
3. Dad's New Wife Robert
4. Fun Four-letter Words to Know and Share
5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do Book
6. The Kid's Guide to Hitchhiking
7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
9. All Cats go to Hell
10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
11. Some Kittens Can Fly
12. That's it, I'm Putting You up for Adoption
13. Grandpa Gets a Casket
14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
16. The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy
17. Strangers Have the Best Candy
18. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
19. You Were an Accident
20. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
21. Pop! Goes the Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games
22. The Man in the Moon is Actually Satan
23. Your Nightmares Are Real
24. Where Would You Like to be Buried?
25. Eggs, Toilet Paper and Your School
26. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Mrs. Electrical Outlet be Friends?
27. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
28. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
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HA HA!!!
My personal favorite (reminds me of my CFI days):
"If there is no such thing as a stupid question, what is this?"
LMAO :D
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I find this one soooo true...
How does anyone know they are on a date with a pilot? They will tell you!
How do they know the date is half over? They will say " Well thats enough about me lets talk about flying..."
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Classics Captain, and here are some more in the same genre since I know the guys and gals here can see the joke in them :)
Q: What's the difference between a pig and a pilot?
A: A pig doesn't become a pilot when it gets drunk.
Q: What's the difference between god and a pilot?
A: God doesn't think he's a pilot.
Q: What does a pilote use as birth-control?
A: His personality!
(Seriously, I wonder how that goes for women pilots? I've both heard about men being scared and drawn to capable and intelligent women, ok back to the jokes, also partly in relation to female pilotes)
"Time's change, now a flight attendant can make a pilot pregnant."
Frank
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Cockpit accessorizing....
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Hahaha! This is great!!! But who in his right mind would go through all the trouble and then have "LITE" beer in the cockpit?! ;D
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Hahaha! This is great!!! But who in his right mind would go through all the trouble and then have "LITE" beer in the cockpit?! ;D
Hmm... maybe he was concerned with W&B :) :D
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Hahaha! This is great!!! But who in his right mind would go through all the trouble and then have "LITE" beer in the cockpit?! ;D
Hmm... maybe he was concerned with W&B :) :D
True... after all is Less Filling... I'm ignoring the first part of that saying.
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NEAT PICTURE TED! ;D
Have a question----What aircraft is that? Almost looks like an early Commander but the airspeed limits don't look right and it shows left and right fuel guages---I'm stumped! :P :P
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NEAT PICTURE TED! ;D
Have a question----What aircraft is that? Almost looks like an early Commander but the airspeed limits don't look right and it shows left and right fuel guages---I'm stumped! :P :P
I'm not sure what kind of aircraft that is... I think I ran across the photo in AVWeb's Picture Of The Week. I'll see if I can't dig up some info on it. If I find out, I'll let everyone know :) I do recall that it was something about needing a temporary handle for a throttle or mixture lever... and that's what the guy slapped on there during a mod... can you imagine if he got ramp checked what the FAA guy would say if he left it in there! :D
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NEAT PICTURE TED! ;D
Have a question----What aircraft is that? Almost looks like an early Commander but the airspeed limits don't look right and it shows left and right fuel guages---I'm stumped! :P :P
Aha! I found the source on it and tracked down the info. I was in error in my earlier description in that it's not on throttle or mixture.... it's on the de-ice control... eheheh....
Anyway... it's on a B-25! At least that's what the source for the photo says. It was from AVWeb's Picture of the Week Contest.... here's the link for it....
http://www.avweb.com/newswire/12_04b/potw/191469-1.html
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And here another joke. I know Fireflyer probably knows this one but I am the faster posterer (or how do you say? "poster child"?)
Subject: Rent is Due!
A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend
the afternoon with her for $500. They did their thing,
and, before he left, he told her that he did not have
any cash with him, but he would have his
secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling
the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."
On the way to the office, he regretted what he had
done, realizing that the whole event had not been
worth the price. So he had his secretary send a check
for $250 and enclose the following typed note:
"Dear Madam Enclosed find a check for $250 for rent of your apartment.
I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the place,
I was under the impression that - it had never been occupied - there was
plenty of heat; and- it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at
home However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that
there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large."
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately
returned the check for $250 with the following note:
"Dear Sir:
First, I cannot understand how you could expect a
beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know
how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment
is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have
enough
furniture to fill it, please do not blame the
management.
Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to
contact your present landlady
-
BABY PLANES
A mother and her son were flying on Southwest Airlines. The son, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the stewardess. So, the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" The boy said, "Yes, she did." "Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that to you."
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"PULLS OUT IN TIME" HAHAHA!!!! Liked that Ted!!!!!
Mike, ya beat me cause I was remembering how my first "landlady" got a similar message and I immediatly contracted "AIDS" thus leading to my financial demise. The thought of living in the parking lot at KOAK and showering in the pilots lounge took me on a sentimental journey.
If any of you young professional pilots out there are still single, look for a woman who makes great money and remember what my Grandpa used to say; "Marry a woman with big hands, it makes your P****R look bigger"!
Jim
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"Marry a woman with big hands, it makes your P****R look bigger"!
Wouldn't that be the other way around?
-
OH GOD, -----I got it backward------I've had entirely mor than you thinkle peep I ought to---It's st Patty's day ---or something11
I hate when that happensh
SMALL HANDS---SMALL HANDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :'(
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Jim Jim Jim the posiblitishth to raeyll methsh wif yoush are unbeleivabel.....(still cellibrating st. patty's!)
Harry came into the office an hour late for the third time in a week. "What's the story this time, Harry?" his boss asked sarcastically. "Let's hear a good excuse for a change."
Harry sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, boss.
The wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the draw bridge got stuck.
I swam across the river--see, my suit's still damp--ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Trump's helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes."
"You'll have to do better than that, Harry," said the boss. "No woman can get ready in ten minutes!"
-
Wally's wedding night At 85 years of age, Wally married Lou Anne, a lovely 25 year old.
Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their wedding she and Wally should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Wally, her 85 year old groom, ready for action.
They unite as one. All goes well, Wally takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Wally. Again he is ready for more "action".
Somewhat surprised, Lou Anne consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Wally kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Wally is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more "action".
And, once again they enjoy each other.
But as Wally gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often.
I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Wally."
Wally, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says:
.........."You mean I was here already?"
-
It was a lively night in the revival tent, and Reverend Johnson was gripped with the power of the Spirit.
"I tell you all, the Lord is with us tonight! I can feel His power running through me! There's gonna be a healing tonight! Who needs healing?! Stand up, and tell the audience your name!"
A stooped old woman slowly struggled to her feet with the assistance of her crutches. "Reverend, my name is Mrs. Smith, and I have always had to use these crutches to walk."
"Well, sister, come on up here, and feel the healing power of the Lord!"
As she slowly made her way to the stage, a young man stood up. "Reverend, my name ith Mithter Joneth, and I have alwaith thpoken with a lithp."
"Well, Mr. Jones, come up to the stage and stand next to Mrs. Smith!"
"Now, Mrs. Smith," said the preacher, putting his hands on her head, "feel the *power* of the Lord!" The preacher quivered for a moment, then said, "Now, Mrs. Smith, go behind that screen and pray to the Lord, and you shall be healed!" Mrs. Smith painfully walked behind the screen with on her crutches.
"Mr. Jones, feel the power of the Lord," said the preacher, again placing his hands on the head of the subject. After quivering even more than the first time, he said, "Mister Jones, go behind that screen and pray with Mrs. Smith!"
There was a soft murmur from the crowd as the minutes slowly ticked by, the preacher alternately gazing up to the sky, wringing his hands, and pacing back and forth in a near frenzy. Finally, he spoke.
"Mrs. Smith! I want you to throw your left crutch over the screen!" The audience gasped as the left crutch sailed over the screen and clattered on the stage.
"Now, Mrs. Smith, I want you to throw your right crutch over the screen!" The audience cheered loudly as the right crutch came flying over the screen.
"Now, Mr. Jones, say something in a loud, clear voice so everyone can hear you!"
"MITTITH SMITH JUTH FELL ON HER ATH!"
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In case it hasn't been posted, and with the Top Gun conversation: "Ice Man The Later Years" (Val Kilmer was only in Top Gun due to contract obligations which might explain why he did this bit, he was also a host on SNL).
http://www.usafitz.com/SupportingPages/iceman.htm
Frank
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:D That was awesome!
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Ohhh...my...god....!!!
How funny is that?!?!
I was rolling on the floor laughing!!! :D
but wait! isn't this in the wrong thread?
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;D ;D ;D That was great! Awesome find!!!
It's funny to see celbs with a sense of humor about them selves. Tom would never have done that... he seems pretty stuck up.
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HAHAHA ;D ;D ;D
LMAO, Val Kilmer is funny!! Love SNL!
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Love that SNL Clip!
Can you imagine Iceman and Capt. Oveur in the same cockpit! ;D ;D ;D
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A man goes to the doctor for his yearly checkup. Doctor tells him he's sterile. Guy says, "But doc..you must be mistaken.. my wife is six months pregnant with my kid.. I can't be sterile."
Doctor says, "I have a friend that hunts. Every year, never fails. One day he goes out to hunt and he comes across a beaver's dam. He settles in and waits, and eventually, he spots the beaver coming out of the water. He goes to take aim, but realizes that instead of his gun, he had accidentally brought his umbrella. Frustrated at the beauty of the shot, but lack of ability to follow through, he pretends to take aim and shouts, 'BANG!'. And wouldn't you know it, the beaver falls over dead right there. Now how do you suppose that hapepned?"
The guy says, "Well, I'd have to say someone else shot that beaver."
Doc says, "My point exactly."
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An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
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Love that SNL Clip!
Can you imagine Iceman and Capt. Oveur in the same cockpit! ;D ;D ;D
:D That would be so dangerous
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Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda."There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."
What a way to go.....
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Love that SNL Clip!
Can you imagine Iceman and Capt. Oveur in the same cockpit! ;D ;D ;D
I can just see it---"so, tell me Iceman, have you ever been to a Turkish Bath??"
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Love that SNL Clip!
Can you imagine Iceman and Capt. Oveur in the same cockpit! ;D ;D ;D
I can just see it---"so, tell me Iceman, have you ever been to a Turkish Bath??"
Looking at the locker room scene in Top Gun I am sure Iceman can answer this question as well:
"Have you ever seen a grown man naked?"
HA HA !! :D
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Love that SNL Clip!
Can you imagine Iceman and Capt. Oveur in the same cockpit! ;D ;D ;D
I can just see it---"so, tell me Iceman, have you ever been to a Turkish Bath??"
Looking at the locker room scene in Top Gun I am sure Iceman can answer this question as well:
"Have you ever seen a grown man naked?"
HA HA !! :D
LOL!!!!! I would imagine that locker room would clear quick when they hear "Aww... Iceman's a boy dog!" :o ;D
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especially when someone asks "do you like it when he grabs on to your leg and rubs up and down on it?" YYYEAH! there's a visual for ya!
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Love that SNL Clip!
Can you imagine Iceman and Capt. Oveur in the same cockpit! ;D ;D ;D
I can just see it---"so, tell me Iceman, have you ever been to a Turkish Bath??"
Looking at the locker room scene in Top Gun I am sure Iceman can answer this question as well:
"Have you ever seen a grown man naked?"
HA HA !! :D
LOL!!!!! I would imagine that locker room would clear quick when they hear "Aww... Iceman's a boy dog!" :o ;D
I like my counselor Troy visual better---
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Love that SNL Clip!
Can you imagine Iceman and Capt. Oveur in the same cockpit! ;D ;D ;D
I can just see it---"so, tell me Iceman, have you ever been to a Turkish Bath??"
Looking at the locker room scene in Top Gun I am sure Iceman can answer this question as well:
"Have you ever seen a grown man naked?"
HA HA !! :D
LOL!!!!! I would imagine that locker room would clear quick when they hear "Aww... Iceman's a boy dog!" :o ;D
I like my counselor Troy visual better---
:) :) Me too.... in it's original form too :) :)
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Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out....
"Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"
Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."
Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."
So......Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back,
"Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse! "
Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"
Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!"
Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."
So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back,
"Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"
Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"
Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling,
"Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"
To which Ma replies, "Hurt's, don't it ?!"
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At a world brewing conventio n , the CEOs of various brewing organizations
retired to the bar at the end of each day's conference.
Bruce, CEO of Fosters, shouted to the Barman: "In 'Strylya, we make the best bloody beer in the world, so pour me a bloody Fosters, mate."
Auggie, CEO of Budweiser, calls out next: "In the States, we brew the finest beers of the world, and I make the king of them all, gimme a Bud."
Hans steps up next: "In Germany ve invented das beer , ferdamit. Give me ein Becks, ya ist der real King of beers, danke."
Paddy, CEO of Guinness, steps forward: "Barman, would ya give me a diet coke with ice and lemon? Thanks." The others stare at him in stunned silence, amazement written all over their faces.
Eventually Bruce asks: "Are you not going to have a Guinness, Pat?"
Paddy replies "Well, if you fool pansies aren't adrinkin', then neither am I."
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Ok to answer an old question first: I posted the video here since it's a joke on Top Gun and I wasn't sure it belonged there.
Btw, as mentioned before then Val Kilmer didn't want to do Top Gun so it was easy to make fun of it I guess, maybe even welcome as a payback :D
Him and Over in the same cockpit? Oh dear god almighty on horseback!!!
Btw, speaking of women I just remembered that there is already a flying babe (I use the term babe with all due respect to looks and capabilities alike so it's not meant offensively but on the contrary as a term of a very capable wonderful woman) around, and her callsign is really close to one already mentioned tons of times: Ice!
Frank
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OMIGOD plyhijnx,
"hurts don't it" put me over the LMAO threshold---must be the visual I conjured! It's 0241 and my wife yelled at me for laughing so loud it woke her up----I blamed you, of course.
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OMIGOD plyhijnx,
"hurts don't it" put me over the LMAO threshold---must be the visual I conjured! It's 0241 and my wife yelled at me for laughing so loud it woke her up----I blamed you, of course.
LOL! yeah, i'll take the blame on that one!
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At the Olympics, the US wrestler was about to start his match with the defending world champion, a Russian wrestler renown for his "pretzel hold". The American coach told his wrestler " Don't let him get you in the pretzel hold. No one has been able to get out of it, and everyone he's gotten in the pretzel hold has been pinned."
In the middle of the second period, the Russian got the American in the pretzel hold. The American coach couldn't bear to watch. He went to the locker room to wait for his wrestler. Soon, to his surprise, he heard the Star Spangled Banner being played. He ran to the podium and saw his wrestler receive the gold medal. When he came down off the podium, the coach asked what happened.
"well, he got me in the pretzel hold", the wrestler answered, " and I was trying to stay off my back, when I saw a pair of testicles hanging down, right in front of my face."
"What did you do?" asked the coach.
"I did the only thing I could - I bit them. You wouldn't believe the rush of energy you get when you bite your own boys!"
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Hmmm, me thinks I'm not the only one that listens to internet comedy radio, specifically "The Joke Man" ;)
Frank
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haven't found that one....what's the URL?
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Actually The Joke Man is Jackie Martling's nick-name, he's one of the comics on one the radiostations I listen to, together with Rodney Dangerfield, Bill Cosby, Eddie Murphy, Billy Connolly, Ricky Gervais, Jasper Carrott (no relation to Carrott Top), Ernie G, Emo Philips, John Valby, Ellen DeGeneres, Billy Crystal, Robin Williams etc. etc. etc.
I listen to it via WinAmp, shoutast, Khaha.com it's called, under the catagory: Comedy. A lot of repetition but it mostly helps me keep from thinking of the many bad things in my life I'm trying to get sorted which helps my concentration. Another station I have bookmarked is Radio Nigel, 80's hits!
A great line I hope to be able to use for myself (meaning I hope to be self-employed) is:
"I work for myself now which is nice except when I call in sick I know I'm lying!"
ROFL I think that was Rita Rudner that did that one (also heard on the radio).
And another one:
The maintenance point of view:
Yes sir, I found the problem, but can't fix it.
Why not?
It was a short circuit between the headset.
Frank
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"I went to look up my family tree.... two dogs were using it!!" - Rodney Dangerfield
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"I tell ya, I don't get no respect! The last time anyone opened the car door for ME we were on the highway at the time!" - Rodney Dangerfield ;D
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Two more from good 'ol Rodney Dangerfield....
I tell ya, blind dates never work out. I had a blind date. The girl, she showed up, she was pregnant. What do ya say to a girl that`s pregnant? What have you been doing lately? And she told me she had a fight with her boyfriend. I said, "Look, you tell your boyfriend next time you fight, he should knock you down."
-----
I tell ya, my wife, she likes to talk during sex. The other night she called me from a motel.
;D
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:D
Good ol' Rodney! True classics!
He will be missed!! :'(
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HAHA ;D Thanks Ted'
I've always thought Rodney was under appreciated
Best movie I can remember him in is the one where he goes to college with his son---does the impossible "triple lindy" dive to win the swim meet-----HAHAAAAA :D
He was such a ham!!
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Yeah Rodney was cool (and actually still is from his recorded performances), at least he lived a long life and actually got respect.
And here's a joke for the sling-wing pilotes.
---
Over Beacon
I heard this from my brother, who is a Search and Rescue pilot at Canadian Forces Base Bagotville, Quebec. It's an apocryphal story that allegedly happened late one night during bad weather, as heard over the tower radio:
Helicopter Pilot: "Roger, I'm holding at 3000 over (such-and-such) beacon".
Second voice: "NO! You can't be doing that! I'm holding at 3000 over that beacon!"
(brief pause)
Helicopter Pilot: "You idiot, you're my co-pilot."
---
There is a real Chuck out there, be very afraid LOL :D
Frank
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HAHA ;D Thanks Ted'
I've always thought Rodney was under appreciated
Best movie I can remember him in is the one where he goes to college with his son---does the impossible "triple lindy" dive to win the swim meet-----HAHAAAAA :D
He was such a ham!!
Glad to see everyone is as enamoured of Rodney as I am :) He is missed indeed! I remember seeing him in person when I was living on the east coast and he would do shows in "the Borscht Belt" (aka Catskill Mountain area) at the resorts up there.
Fireflyr, I remember that movie too. It's one of my favorites. The line that I think personafied Rodney in that one was when he asked the teacher out on a date and he told her to "Give me a call when you have no class!" :)
Also loved his character in Caddy Shack :)
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AWWWW Gawd TED!
"Give me a call when you have no class" AAHAAAAAHAAAAHAAAA!!!! ;D ;D ;D ;D
I'd forgotten that!!
RODNEY FOREVER!!!!!!!!
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AWWWW Gawd TED!
"Give me a call when you have no class" AAHAAAAAHAAAAHAAAA!!!! ;D ;D ;D ;D
I just saw that movie the other day!! :)
I really enjoyed it (again, . . . it hasn't been the first time and won't be the last)
One of my favorite secenes is when he is in class correcting the teacher on how it really works when you build a factory!! ;)
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AWWWW Gawd TED!
"Give me a call when you have no class" AAHAAAAAHAAAAHAAAA!!!! ;D ;D ;D ;D
I just saw that movie the other day!! :)
I really enjoyed it (again, . . . it hasn't been the first time and won't be the last)
One of my favorite secenes is when he is in class correcting the teacher on how it really works when you build a factory!! ;)
:) :) I think it STILL works that way too! :) :) :) :)
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yeah, ol' Rodney was classic! "awww this is the worst looking hat i ever saw! i bet you buy a hat like that you get a free bowl of soup! *pause looking over to Ted Knight* "oh! looks good on you though!" hehe. yep. ol' Rodney!
A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down.
He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.
The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.
The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't
serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a
beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to
belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings."
The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats
the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.
The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to
belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."
The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."
The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate "
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The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate "
Awwww... ::)
:D
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(http://www.weathertech.com/ebay_photos/image001.gif)
Blow out the flame before drinking... moron
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A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad
attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth
was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying
only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to
"clean up" the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at
the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got
angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the
bird and put him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly
there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that
he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I
believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm
sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend
to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to
ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the
bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"
I figured this "foul" joke was perfect here!
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Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building. One turns to the other and says, "You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window."
The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.
The second man says, "What are you a nut? There's no way that could happen."
The first man responds, "No it's true. Let me prove it to you." So he gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and careens to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.
The second guy tells him, "You know I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one-time fluke."
The first guy says, "No, I'll prove it again," and again he jumps and hurtles toward the street where the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it.
The second man thinks, "Well why not? It works, I'll try it." So he jumps over the balcony, plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors...and hits the sidewalk with a 'splat!'
Back upstairs the bartender turns to the other drinker and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real mean drunk."
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This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint..it goes like this:
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:1 2 3 4
5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-@-$-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far a%% kissing will take you.
A-%-%-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will
get you there, it's the Bull@$it and A%% kissing that will put you over the top.
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ROFL Those two are awesome! I've never heard either of them before as well :D
Frank
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HA HA :D
Well, you just can't argue with math, can you?! ;)
It's science!
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Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. One of the students said to his friend: "I'm sure he has Petry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."
The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks just as we learned in class."
Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man.
They approached him and one of the students said to him: "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"
The old man said: "I'll tell you, but first you'll tell me what you think."
One of the students said: "I think it's Petry Syndrome." The old man said: "You thought.......... but you are wrong."
Then the other student said: "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
The old man said: "You thought.......... but you are wrong. So they asked him: "Well, what do you have?" The old man said: "I thought it was GAS...........but I was wrong."
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A young guy was complaining to his boss about the problems he was having with his stubborn girlfriend. "She gets me so angry sometimes I could hit her!" the young man exclaimed.
"Well, I'll tell you what I used to do with my wife" replied the boss. "Whenever she got out of hand, I'd take her pants down and spank her."
Shaking his head the young guy replied, "That doesn't work. Once I get her pants down, I'm not mad anymore."
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I knew a guy that was a pilot in a bakery.... he'd take the bread from one corner and pile it in the other!
He got sick of the dough though, and decided to go on the loaf. He had some crust! Oh well... at least he would rise to the occassion now and then and be good with buttering people up.
::) ;D
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I knew a guy that was a pilot in a bakery.... he'd take the bread from one corner and pile it in the other!
He got sick of the dough though, and decided to go on the loaf. He had some crust! Oh well... at least he would rise to the occassion now and then and be good with buttering people up.
::) ;D
GROAN!!!!!!!
Ted, see if the staff will give you a 24 hour pass---or at least make a pass at your nurse! ;D ;D
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I knew a guy that was a pilot in a bakery.... he'd take the bread from one corner and pile it in the other!
He got sick of the dough though, and decided to go on the loaf. He had some crust! Oh well... at least he would rise to the occassion now and then and be good with buttering people up.
::) ;D
GROAN!!!!!!!
Ted, see if the staff will give you a 24 hour pass---or at least make a pass at your nurse! ;D ;D
Lt. Zip tried that... but Capt. Gennelli was too busy working on his escape tunnel.... and Hurowitz keeps scaring off the nurse with showtunes, otherwise I'd make that pass... and win just one, for the Zipper :)
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;D ;DHAAAAAHAHAAAHA
TOO MUCH, STRYKER!!!!!
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Mike,
While you're in Arkansas, find out if it's true that you are still siblings even if you get divorced. ???
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Sure, if you're still brother and sister... ;D
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This one is a bit strange but I found it under aviation humour, I'm sure some have heard it before though.
Cancel IFR
Controller: "Cessna 266, descend and maintain 1,500, cleared for the approach, contact tower at the outer marker." Without realizing that his mike is still open he says, "Watch me kill this S.O.B."
Pilot: "CANCEL IFR! CANCEL IFR!"
-From Frank Ledgerwood in Talefeathers, the newsletter of EAA Chapter 268 in Marietta, GA.
Another Frank
P.S. I know what EAA is but is Chapter another word for region/local branch?
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Mike,
While you're in Arkansas, find out if it's true that you are still siblings even if you get divorced. ???
Good one, Jim!!
Have you been to Arkansas (pronounced here like "Ar-Kansas") before?
Turns out though that my PSD-manager (trainee) to-be is a very dear friend of mine, so I am actually looking forward to go now! (except the "dry county" part...) ;)
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This one is a bit strange but I found it under aviation humour, I'm sure some have heard it before though.
Cancel IFR
Controller: "Cessna 266, descend and maintain 1,500, cleared for the approach, contact tower at the outer marker." Without realizing that his mike is still open he says, "Watch me kill this S.O.B."
Pilot: "CANCEL IFR! CANCEL IFR!"
-From Frank Ledgerwood in Talefeathers, the newsletter of EAA Chapter 268 in Marietta, GA.
Another Frank
P.S. I know what EAA is but is Chapter another word for region/local branch?
A chapter is a local group. In my area, for instance, there are multiple chapters of the Missouri Pilot's Association. Each is just another branch, or group location.
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Mike,
While you're in Arkansas, find out if it's true that you are still siblings even if you get divorced. ???
Good one, Jim!!
Have you been to Arkansas (pronounced here like "Ar-Kansas") before?
Turns out though that my PSD-manager (trainee) to-be is a very dear friend of mine, so I am actually looking forward to go now! (except the "dry county" part...) ;)
YEP, Ah spent sum tam ther wif a cussin at a place called 'Buttville' (or something like that) awile back an we was married but since ah wuz leven yars old grampa made us git deevorced! That's why I axed yu to find out if she's still my cussin!
Don't worry about the dry counties, take a bottle of your favorite hooch and share it with a local---they'll tell you where to get more but if you do get any real "corn likker" be careful, the stuff will remove your stomach lining!
Seriously though, you'll find some really nice people, just don't be kidding around and call somebody a 'SB'---they take that literally as an affront to their mother.
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There's an interesting similarity between ATC controllers and pilots;
If the pilot screws up, the pilot dies. :-[
If the ATC controller screws up , the pilot dies. >:(
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Went to see Ron White ("I had the right to remain silent--------------------------------------But not the ability!")
Funny stuff but raunchy----Anybody else seen this Guy?
He's actually funnier on TV because they clean up the language.
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Only seen him on TV. I think he's a lot funnier than Larry the Cable Guy. "Git 'er done" got really, really, really, really old.
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Ron is HILARIOUS! if you have bear share, download "blue collar.avi" it's got some repeat material but it's awesome!
edit: oh and Gulf, they make fun of Larry a few times......
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Regarding the ATC then the ATC can also get killed by the surviving familymembers, like a danish ATC that was in the tower at a big disaster in Italy a few years ago I think, a man who lost his wife and children shot the ATC in front of his wife and children as revenge. I'm not quite sure if the ATC was responsible or not so I won't comment on that.
Ron White, Larry the Cable Guy, Bill Engvall and Jeff Foxworthy have been touring as the Blue Collar Comedy Group (or was it Team?). I think they are all funny in their way, like when they had a singing number "I Believe" with Larry on the guitar making some really funny chords and Bill, or Jeff, asked: How old are you? When's your birthday? February 17th. No what year? Every year! ROFL
Now here's a joke that I guarantee you've never heard before, of course I'm not sure how funny you find it though.
In a physics class-room in high-school there was intermission between the two planned hours and two students were talking to each other about a group-project they had. The boy had optional classes so he didn't have the free hour in the school-period that the girl of the team wanted to use for the test.
She said she'd share the results but the boy wanted to participate as not to feel like a thief getting credit so they argumented back and fourth (not in an angry tone but noticeable) then suddently the teacher that was also spending the break at the desk right infront of the two students leaned over and calmly asked: Excuse me but how long have you two been married? Most of the class was also in the room and they all almost fell off their seats of laughter.
I know you've never heard this before because it was a true situation that happend a few years ago and in case you haven't guessed it then I was the boy talking to the girl. It was about the loudest class laughter-session in the three years I went there I can remember so I guess it was funny, most of us were 18-22, I was 19/20 I think, it was a few months before my dad died if I remember correctly. Actually there was a third member of the team that also didn't have the optional classes but he wasn't in the room at the time and it would've made the story too confusing and it wasn't really relevant to the point anyway. The teacher btw was a susbstitute that was from Italy where he'd studied for 20 years in a university but he had a danish wife and spoke pretty good danish too and was calm and friendly. The other italian I've met was two years before when I got a brush up on 10th grade studies to be better abled to get into the student-courses and he was a musician and writer and he was more smiling and lively but also friendly and married to a danish woman.
Frank
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that's pretty funny frank!
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car. Both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it; I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right through. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"
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Went to see Ron White ("I had the right to remain silent--------------------------------------But not the ability!")
Funny stuff but raunchy----Anybody else seen this Guy?
He's actually funnier on TV because they clean up the language.
Ron White is one of the best comedians out there as far as I am concerned.
Do you know his routine about where he flies in this little plane and they lose oil pressure?
I almost peed myself the first time I heard it!!
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Went to see Ron White ("I had the right to remain silent--------------------------------------But not the ability!")
Funny stuff but raunchy----Anybody else seen this Guy?
He's actually funnier on TV because they clean up the language.
Ron White is one of the best comedians out there as far as I am concerned.
Do you know his routine about where he flies in this little plane and they lose oil pressure?
I almost peed myself the first time I heard it!!
Whatya mean "almost peed myself" hell, you had done that the first time I met you, and that was just a long fuel cycle!!!!
Realistically, I love Ron White's routines on TV and don't think I'm a prude, I'm not, (Mike, I'm sure, will testify to that) but his live act is so filthy that I feel my 90 bucks was wasted on a foul mouth jerk.
I don't feel this public forum is the appropriate place to itemize the offensive behavior this jerk presented onstage last night but I'm certainly within my rights to feel disgruntled, My dissapointment is personal and you all are free to enjoy whatever spins your cranlshaft! Remember, opinions are like anuses, and everyone has one. ;D
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A policeman stops a carload of nuns along the highway.... as he approaches the car, he sees them all cowering and shaking except for the driver... a nice looking, blue haired nun.
"I'm sorry for stopping you sister, but you were going way too slow for the conditions here. You were only going 40 miles per hour!" the officer said.
"I forgive you for stopping me, dear." She says. "But as you can see, the signs clearly say the speed limit is 40. I just started driving, so I know the rules."
The officer looks around and sees the speed limit sign stating 65MPH.
"I don't know how to tell you this ma'am, but I think you have things a little turned around. Those signs are the highway number signs... this is highway 40!" the officer tells her
"You mean it's not highway 65?" she asks
"No ma'am. Uhm... you don't mind my asking why all the other sisters in the car with you are shaking, do you?" he asks
One of the other nuns speaks up..."Officer... we just got off of Highway 115!"
;D
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Well comedy differs from people to people so if you don't like the words he use then sadly for you he just isn't funny, but maybe you can find a more sanitized version of his act if you don't mind him but prefer to have less than 50% of all words be foulmouthed. Hope you find something better and don't loose more money.
About the airplane joke then yes I heard it, using the intercom when he could've just turned around since it was a small plane and not a jetliner.
Another joke of a similar note was from another male comic whose name I can't remember but he was flown in on the helicopter of that multibillionaire businessman that also offered a job in the tv-show, it was for a show in LV and the pilot of this 6 seat heliopcoter said he was now switching off the fasten seatbelt sign leaving us to get up and move around the plane, I can just imagine that in a Bell 230 or Sikorsky S76 or similar. get up and walk around LOL, especially remembering the joke about the heavy fireman that moved in the helicopter and made it rock so you thought something was very wrong. Btw the comic called the pilot: Race Bannon, who's that? The pilot from Johnny Quest cartoons? (I'm guessing since I've only seen a few episodes of the new version made and otherwise just heard of it being a classic).
And yet another one about small aircraft. Yet another male comic was flying a small plane and the pilot was asking people about their weight and the lady in front of the comic said she was 120 lbs, and he thought: Yeah your rear-end is 120 (I subsititued the word since it wasn't crucial to the joke but it might offend someone or at least be thought of as redundant for the joke), now I gotta say I'm like 380 here, if you wanna fool your boyfriend that's one thing but don't fool the pilot! (again substituted words just in case). I thought that was hilarous and he's right as I'm sure you'll agree that one shouldn't give the wrong weight in that situation.
Frank
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Another one involving a small plane comes from Jeff Foxworthy (I think...)...
He was flying in a small single engine plane out of a small airport to get to his show. He calls his wife and says "yuou would not believe what just happened... the plane hit a deer!"
His wife says "oh my god... were you on the ground?!"
don't we all just hate those random deer enounters at 4000 ft?
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hehehe. That was Bill Engvall. "Here's your sign..."
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oops.... thanks for the correction, Gulfstream.
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Realistically, I love Ron White's routines on TV and don't think I'm a prude, I'm not, (Mike, I'm sure, will testify to that) but his live act is so filthy that I feel my 90 bucks was wasted on a foul mouth jerk.
I don't feel this public forum is the appropriate place to itemize the offensive behavior this jerk presented onstage last night but I'm certainly within my rights to feel disgruntled, My dissapointment is personal and you all are free to enjoy whatever spins your cranlshaft! Remember, opinions are like anuses, and everyone has one. ;D
Wow, really? I have never seen a Ron White routine live, but I do have a DVD and I have him on a CD I think. That wasn't too bad. I would have to say if YOU were offended, it must have been pretty bad because I can testify that you are far away from being a prude (hanging out with guys like Dale in WMC...he he...)
Here is a joke which I think is based on a true story because I remember a cop telling me:
The cop has put up a radar trap at the end of the little town he was working at and is waiting for
his first victim. He ends up sitting there almost all day since nobody seems to be speeding that day.
Finally, a young kid was racing down the road just blasting past the cop who immediately jumps in his
rig to pull the guy over. He stops him and says to the young punk:
"Boy, I have be waiting for you all day!"
The boy replies:
"I know officer! I am so sorry, I tried to get here as fast as I could!"
The cop had to laugh so hard at this funny and clever answer he just let him go....
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HAHAA "got here as fast as I could" wish I'd thought of that one!!!! ;D
I've never had a cop ask me "where's the fire" but if one ever had, I would have responded in my best lisp "In your eyes, officer!"
(California joke) 8)
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LOL, that's a great one!
Here's one I just found:
-Hovering is for pilots who love to fly but have no place to go.
Frank
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Good one Mike. Reminds me of the time when my buddy got pulled over on his bike and the cop asked for his pilot license and insurance because “he was flying.” My buddy handed him his then new pilot certificate and the cop just smiled and said “I asked for that didn’t I.” He let him go with a warning. ;D ;D ;D
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How about this:
Passengers are sitting and waiting in a small prop-twin waiting for the pilot, when finally one of the passengers folds down his newspaper and says: that's it, I got a meeting so I'll just fly it myself. And he climbs into the pilot seat and commences to start the airplane.
Now for the pop-quiz: Where is that from? :D
Frank
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How about this:
Passengers are sitting and waiting in a small prop-twin waiting for the pilot, when finally one of the passengers folds down his newspaper and says: that's it, I got a meeting so I'll just fly it myself. And he climbs into the pilot seat and commences to start the airplane.
Now for the pop-quiz: Where is that from? :D
Frank
That's got to be from an episode of Wings! Brian, if I'm not mistaken! ;D
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Hey... if you ever think you have a bad job.... just remember... there are those out there with much worse ones!
|:)\
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Bingo! Exactly! Sandpiper Air I think the company was, I wasn't sure if anyone would know but it was aviation related show and I read it was actually quite long running, I only saw a season or so in the morning on danish tv but of course we can't see all US shows in DK. For extra points, what was the airplane they had? (actually I don't know the answer, hence the question). Btw it just hit me, they have two brothers flying and a slightly dim mechanic, it sounds a bit like Chicken Wings, Mike and Stef in real life and Julio in the comic :D
And that sure is a bad job! :o
And I just heard this one, Garrisson Keillor and more:
"If a husband is alone in the woods, is he still wrong?"
And some said by the female comics in return:
"What do you call a man that's lost 75% of his intelligence? Divorved!"
"All Booster, No Payload."
Frank
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Bingo! Exactly! Sandpiper Air I think the company was, I wasn't sure if anyone would know but it was aviation related show and I read it was actually quite long running, I only saw a season or so in the morning on danish tv but of course we can't see all US shows in DK. For extra points, what was the airplane they had? (actually I don't know the answer, hence the question). Btw it just hit me, they have two brothers flying and a slightly dim mechanic, it sounds a bit like Chicken Wings, Mike and Stef in real life and Julio in the comic :D
And that sure is a bad job! :o
And I just heard this one, Garrisson Keillor and more:
"If a husband is alone in the woods, is he still wrong?"
And some said by the female comics in return:
"What do you call a man that's lost 75% of his intelligence? Divorved!"
"All Booster, No Payload."
Frank
Correct indeed! Sandpiper Air. The plane was a Cessna 402. There were actually two used in filming, one of them N121PP was registered to Paramount Pictures, the other, N121PB was registered to an airline that actually flew out of Nantucket.
Some trivia for you... the sign on the field by the terminal building has it called "Tom Never's Field". In reality, there is a Tom Never's field, but it's not the name of the airport there. It's the name of a baseball field on Nantucket Island. The shots you see of the terminal building are shots of the actual Nantucket Airport terminal building. Coincidentally, there actually was a small commuter airline run by two brothers there, and they had a bird-like blue and grey logo, but it wasn't a sandpiper bird, and it wasn't called Sandpiper Air.
The producers of the show were the same team that did the show "Cheers", and hence had a number of episodes of both shows with crossovers of actors and characters from one making appearances on the other. On a sad note, one of the three producers, David Angell, was on board one of the planes on 9/11/2001. On a happier note though, Amazon.com now has available for pre-order Season 1 and 2 of "Wings", which is coming out on DVD on or around June 1st... finally! Yeah!!
If it sounds like I'm a fan of the show, I am. I TiVo it every time it's on here... which is at least once per day :)
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I loved that show. I used to skip class to watch it, but I didn't know all the trivia about it. That's awesome that it's coming out on DVD. Might have to talk my wife into buying it for me. :)
What channel do you get it on, Ted?
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Thank you very much for the info, that's great, except the producer-part of course, may they all RIP :(
I've seen at least Dr and Dr Crane (Frasier and Lillith) visit there in a two-part episode I think, but fun to know there were more, just like people from Cheers have appeared in Fraiser and vice versa sort-of. Fhe father of Frasier was in Cheers as a postmaster chief, like Harry Morgan was in MASH as a crazy general before being the new commander Harry Potter later on (also great shows) Btw if I'm not mistaken then Radr O'Reilley was the only person that was in both the movie and series, and Jamie Farr was the only one of the cast that had ever been to Korea although it was after the war ended. And on another connected note, I didn't notice for years that Klinger and the Sheik in The Cannonball Run movies was the same actor lol (he was the only character to appear in all three Canonnbal Run movies (Speed Zone being the third)). I think I've watched too many "Connections" shows on the Discovery channel lol.
I hope Wings is also released on Region 2 DVD, or that I can move to USA then that won't be a problem lol.
Frank
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I loved that show. I used to skip class to watch it, but I didn't know all the trivia about it. That's awesome that it's coming out on DVD. Might have to talk my wife into buying it for me. :)
What channel do you get it on, Ted?
It comes on here on Nick @ Night via cable. I think it's long overdue to come to DVD. I've already got mine on pre-order :)
;D
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Thank you very much for the info, that's great, except the producer-part of course, may they all RIP :(
I've seen at least Dr and Dr Crane (Frasier and Lillith) visit there in a two-part episode I think, but fun to know there were more, just like people from Cheers have appeared in Fraiser and vice versa sort-of. Fhe father of Frasier was in Cheers as a postmaster chief, like Harry Morgan was in MASH as a crazy general before being the new commander Harry Potter later on (also great shows) Btw if I'm not mistaken then Radr O'Reilley was the only person that was in both the movie and series, and Jamie Farr was the only one of the cast that had ever been to Korea although it was after the war ended. And on another connected note, I didn't notice for years that Klinger and the Sheik in The Cannonball Run movies was the same actor lol (he was the only character to appear in all three Canonnbal Run movies (Speed Zone being the third)). I think I've watched too many "Connections" shows on the Discovery channel lol.
I hope Wings is also released on Region 2 DVD, or that I can move to USA then that won't be a problem lol.
Frank
I'm not sure if it'll be Region 2 encoded when it first comes out, but I can't imagine they'd ignore the international appeal. If I find out the plan on encodings, I'll let you know, though we'd love to have you aboard here in the USA :)
Other Cheers characters that appeared on Wings were Norm, and Cliff, who came to the island to fish, and never made it past the lunch counter first, then the local bars second ;D
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Wings also had an episode with Cliff and Norm. They were supposed to go fishing, but ended up staying in the bar the entire time.
M*A*S*H was a great show, and you're right. The actor that played Radar was the only one in both movies.
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Other Cheers characters that appeared on Wings were Norm, and Cliff, who came to the island to fish, and never made it past the lunch counter first, then the local bars second ;D
Wings also had an episode with Cliff and Norm. They were supposed to go fishing, but ended up staying in the bar the entire time.
M*A*S*H was a great show, and you're right. The actor that played Radar was the only one in both movies.
:o :o :o deja vu ;D
Speaking of connections: I am watching Airplane right now... Just a great frickin movie!!! Anyway... what’s the deal with Airplane and Seinfeld? (ooo I just noticed that’s how Jerry starts his jokes… That wasn’t even intentional (I know, I know... I'm a dork :D))
Elaine, Kramer, George, Lloyd Bridges (as one of the Mandelbaum and McCroskey)
I don't know if that was deliberate... or if I am the only nerd to notice...
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Yeah I noticed that too, and I was just having Airplane running in the background while I was checking this thread, lol.
Frank
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Man... we are a bunch of plane NERDS aren't we? ;D
Not that there is anything wrong with that.
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Callisto: Absolutely nothing wrong with being a nerd :D "Revenge of the Aviation Nerds" lol sounds like a great movie :D
Here's an absolutely great one :D
And it's great for us who know about flying since that would be a very very bad idea and would be very hard to fly due to asymetric thrust etc. etc. so I hope no-one actually tries that in real life.
Frank
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Callisto: Absolutely nothing wrong with being a nerd :D "Revenge of the Aviation Nerds" lol sounds like a great movie :D
Not at all! I'm proud of my nerdness!!! ;D I'm just glad I'm among friends here!
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::) ;D ::)
Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.
The Italian Customs Officer stops them and tells them: "It'sa illegala to
putta 5 people in a Quattro."
"Vot do you mean it's illegal?" asks the German driver.
"Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official.
"Quattro is just ze name of ze automobile!!" the Germans retort
unbelievingly. "Look at ze dam papers: ze car is designed to karry 5
persons."
"You canta pulla thata one on me!" replies the Italian customs officer.
"Quattro meansa four. You have fivea people ina your car and you are
thereforea breaking the law."
The German driver replies angrily: "You idiot! Call your zupervisor over. I
vant to speak to someone viz more intelligence!"
"Sorry" responds the Italian officer, "He can'ta come. He'sa busy with a 2
guys in a Fiat Uno."
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Then there's the pilot who dies and goes to heaven; while waiting to check in he notices a large twin coming in high-and-hot to a nearby landing strip. The twin pilot blows the landing--collapses the nose gear and strikes the props; he gets out of the plane and walks away. Fifteen minutes later, same scene: another twin, another blown landing--same guy gets out of the wrecked plane.
The fellow waiting to check in to heaven is amazed, he turns to St. Peter and says "what's the story with the twin pilot over there?" "Oh, that's just God" says St. Peter, "he thinks he's a surgeon."
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Two irish men are adrift in a small boat out in the ocean with no paddles and no land in site. One of them sees a bottle floating in the water and plucks it out. when they open the bottle a genie appears and grants them one wish. before the first guy can say a word the second pipes up with "i wish that the ocean was made of guinness" and the genie says "done!" and disappears. looking around they see that the ocean is truly made of guinness. the first irish man slaps the second very hard across the back of the head and cries "you fool what have you done now we will have to pee in the boat!"
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Lol classics!
Speaking of something funny, I was wondering, what do you think of this livery? http://www.airliners.net/open.file/0919606/L/
Frank
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That's quite the paint job.
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Bubba Joe's first military assignment was to a military induction center, and, because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about the government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled.
Before long the Captain in charge of the induction center began noticing that Bubba was getting a 99 percent sign-up for the top GI insurance.
This was odd, because it would cost these poor inductees nearly $30.00 per month more for their higher coverage than what the government was already granting.
The Captain decided that he would sit in the back of the room and observe Bubba's sales pitch.
Bubba Joe stood up before his latest group of inductees and stated, "If you have the normal GI insurance and go to Iraq and are killed, the government pays your beneficiary $6,000."
"If you take out the supplemental GI insurance. which will cost you an additional $30.00 per month, the government pays your beneficiary $200,000."
"Now," Bubba concluded, "which bunch do you think they're gonna send into combat first?"
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Danish Air Transport actually have such a paintjob on all their planes although the pattern varies due to different amounts of panels and such. They also have a Shorts Skyvan and Beech 1900D and the shorter ATR-42 if I remember correctly. Overall I think it's a very fresh and still elegant scheme due to the main white background.
Mike: LOL that's a good one!
Frank
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When you go out for a flight and look at the weather ahead . . .
. . . AND YOU SEE THIS:
Cancel the flight, you might be in for a crappy day... :D
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LOL, sign from above eh :D
Frank
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a few good ones:
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At least the first and last look like photoshops to me but ew!!!!
Frank
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Looks like Bush, Kerry, and Clinton to me. Ugh.
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ohhhh, there's plenty more to come fellas! i'm at home now, just wait til i get back to work tomorrow! yeah, they're photoshops but they're funny as he@l to me!
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more....
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A Cajun and a pet alligator
A Cajun walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side
He puts the alligator up on the bar.
He turns to the astonished patrons.
"I'll make you a deal."
"I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my manhood inside."
"Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute."
"Then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed."
"In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."
The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers and placed his Johnson and related parts in the alligator's open mouth.
The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.
After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try".
A hush fell over the crowd.
After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A Blonde woman timidly spoke up..........."I'll try It!"
"Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!"
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A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. As they stand at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter
Paradise and meet their maker, God decides to grant each person one wish because of the grief they have experienced.
They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is.
"I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.
The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too."
Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous, but when God is halfway
down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing.
When there are only ten people left, the last guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off. Finally, God reaches the end of the line and asks him what his wish will be. The guy eventually calms down and says:
"Make 'em all ugly again".
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HA HA!
That's a good one!
The pictures are just wrong though :o
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I found out who the comic on the small plane was that had to say he was heavy because the lady in front gave a way too small figure. It was Robert Schimmel and he said it was a 11-seat plane, a so-called Richie Valens plane he called it. He also said he, in his own words did a stupid practical joke when he was going to a comedy festival in Toronto, he checked a bag filled with dog biscuits because he knew there were drug-sniffing and indeed there were and they freaked out at the bag and he got a less than friendly response from that.
Frank
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this is perfect for the newly aspiring commercial pilot:
· I'm so broke, I go to KFC and lick other peoples fingers.
· I'm so broke me and my girlfriend got married for the rice.
· I'm so broke, if a trip around the world cost a nickel, I wouldn't have enough to leave the couch!
· I'm so broke that I just went into McDonald's and put a small fry on layaway.
· If pickles were 10 cents a truckload I couldn't buy a wart off a cucumber!
· I'm so broke, just to rub two nickels together, I'd have to borrow one.
· We were so broke, that at Christmas, all we could exchange was glances.
· I'm so broke, the bank asked for their calendar back.
· I'm so broke, long distance companies don't even call me to switch!
· If I stopped on a dime, I'd probably owe it to someone.
· I ain't broke, but I'm severely bent.
· Someone saw me kicking a can down the street, and when asked what I was doing I said, "Moving."
· I'm so broke I can't afford to pay attention!
· A guy walked into our house, stepped on a cigarette and my Mom yelled, "Who turned off the heat?"
· I'm so broke that when someone saw my Mom walking down the street with one shoe, they said, "Hey, you lost a shoe." She said, "No, I found one."
· We're so broke that if someone rings our doorbell I have to yell, "ding dong!" out the window.
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The Social Studies teacher had just finished a unit on war and peace. "How many of you," he asked, "would say you're opposed to war?" Not surprisingly, all hands went up.
The teacher then asked, "Who'll give us a reason for being opposed to war?"
A rather large, bored-looking boy in the back of the room raised his hand. "Jimmy?" the teacher said.
"I hate war," Jimmy said, "because wars make history, and I hate History!"
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A young man confronting his girlfriend's father.
Young man: "Sir, your daughter says she loves me, and she can’t live without me, and she wants to marry me."
Girl's Father: "And you’re asking my permission to marry her?"
Young man: "No, I’m asking you to make her leave me the heck alone."
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new word definitions:
1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks'trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub tap on and off with your toes.
2. CARPERPETUATION (kar'pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of confection (lolly) you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.
4. ELBONICS (el bon'iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.
5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.
7. PEPPIER (peph ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want fresh ground pepper.
8. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
9. PUPKUS (pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.
10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.
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A Bible study group was discussing the unforeseen possibility of sudden death. "We will all die some day," the leader of the discussion said, "and none of us really knows when, but if we did we would all do a better job of preparing ourselves for that inevitable event." Everybody nodded his or her heads in agreement with this comment.
"What would you do if you knew you only had 4 weeks of life remaining before your death, before your Great Judgment Day?" the leader asked the group.
"For those 4 weeks, I would go out into my community and minister the Gospel to those that have not yet accepted Jesus into their lives." one gentleman said.
"A very admirable thing to do," said the group leader. And all the group members agreed that would be a very good thing to do.
"For those 4 weeks, I would dedicate all of my remaining time to serving my family, my church, and my fellow man with a greater conviction," one lady said enthusiastically.
"That's wonderful!" the group leader commented, and all the group members agreed that would be a very good thing to do.
One gentleman in the back finally spoke up loudly. " For those 4 weeks, I would travel throughout the United States with my mother-in-law in a Ford Escort, and stay in a Motel 6 every night."
Everyone was puzzled by his answer. "Why would you do that?" the group leader asked.
"Because," the man smiled sarcastically, "it would be the longest 4 weeks of my life."
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Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing any thing that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals and sunglasses.
The next morning, they went to the beach dressed in their "tourist" garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a cocktail, the sunshine and the scenery when a drop-dead gorgeous, topless blonde in a thong bikini came walking straight toward them. They couldn't help but stare.
As the blonde passed them, she smiled and said, "Good morning, Father. Good morning, Father." She nodded to each, and addressed each of them individually, then she passed on by.
They were both stunned. The next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. Once again, in their new attire, they settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After awhile, the same topless blonde came walking toward them.
Again, she nodded at each of them, and said, "Good morning, Father. Good morning, Father." She started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, "Just a minute, young lady." "Yes, Father?" "How in the world did you know we're priests, dressed as we are?"
"Father, it's me, Sister Katherine," she replied.
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in tribute to the "priceless" series.....what can you come up with?????
i'll start:
expulsing gas in the cockpit and feeling better - free
enjoying your own *aroma* - free
having it stink sooo bad it wakes the Mrs.?!?! - priceless!
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* 3 Years of A&P school . . . . $8,745
* new "Snap-on" toolbox . . . $1,200
* having a maintenance issue on a flight-school C-172 on a Friday at evening . . . . priceless!
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Herman: Is that beautiful car yours?
Charlie: It is and it is not.
Herman: What do you mean?
Charlie: When it is for shopping, it is my wife's. When it is for a party, it is my son's. And when it needs gas, it is mine.
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A police officer pulled a guy over for speeding.
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.
It was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner' card.
The driver owned the car.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem.
Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying son of a b**** told you I was speeding, too.
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ROFLMAO! GREAT one stef!!!
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An elderly clergy passed on and was waiting in line patiently outside the pearly gates. Another fellow shows up wearing a hawaiin flowery shirt sunglasses cut off jeans,A big fancy watch, sandles and a leather jacket with a pint of vodka in the pocket. Saint Peter saw the new arrival and ushered him to the front of the line. Witha minimum of red tape the new guy was admited to heaven. Hours later the clergy arrives at the front of the line. Just a little bit peeved, he tells Saint Peter."All my life I have been a God fearing man. Idedicated my life to church and congregation. How come I ,a man of the lord have had to wait for hours and that drunken bum was wisked right in?
Saint Peter explaned "Revrend, Up here we go by results. When you were in the pulpit preaching, half your congregation slept, But when chuck was flying, His passengers did some serious praying."
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HA HA !!! :D
We should make this one into a strip, huh?! ;) ::)
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You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you
pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:
1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.
Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only
be one passenger in your car?
Think of your answer before you continue reading.
This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job
application.
You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first.
Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back.
However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.
The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer.
He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him
take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams."
Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations.
Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box."
HOWEVER...,
The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.
.......God, I just love happy endings! |:)\
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jeez fireflyr that last one was just great!! you should have seen my face going through it: first thoughtfull, then amazed at the guy's answer, the LMAO jaja :D
great one |:)\
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CASINO
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table.
An attractive blonde from St John's arrived and bet twenty-thousand
dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
completely nude.
"With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled,
"Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed...
"YES! YES! I WON, I WON!" She hugged each of the dealers and then picked
up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared
at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she
roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."
MORAL - Not all Newfies are stupid and not all blondes are
dumb................. but all men are men.
HAAAAAHAHA!!
I was looking back and saw this---------CDNpilot, not everyone knows what a "Newfie is---maybe only us Canadians!!!! great one, I just wish I'd thought of that when I was younger (before wrinkles)
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Subject: A special birthday
A Special Birthday This Week :)
Can you believe it? Monica Lewinsky turned 31 this
week. It seems like only yesterday she was crawling
around the White House on her hands and knees.
They grow up so fast. :-\
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Male or female hormones?!?
In a current report, scientists suggest that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. To test the finding, 10 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100 per cent of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, refused to apologize when wrong and went all together to the loo..........
…It has been confirmed that beer actually contains small traces of MALE hormones NOT female hormones. To prove this theory, the scientists fed 100 women 12 pints of beer and observed that these women became obsessed with sex but fell asleep long before they could please their partners.
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Chuck is that U?
http://www.ilstu.edu/~jlcunni/itm.mp3
TM
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Subject: Sunday afternoon quickie
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie
with their 8 year old son in the apartment was to send him out on
the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the
neighbourhood activities. He began his commentary as his parents put their
plan into operation:
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot", he
shouted. A few moments passed ... "An ambulance just drove by"
A few moments later, "Looks like the Anderson's have company", he called
out. "Matt's riding a new bike....."
A few moments later, 'Looks like the Sanders are
moving" "Jason is on his skate board...."
A few more moments, "The Coopers are having sex!!"
Startled, Mother and Dad shot up in bed!!! Dad
cautiously asked,
"How do you know they are having sex?"
"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a
Popsicle too."
8)
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Chuck is that U?
http://www.ilstu.edu/~jlcunni/itm.mp3
TM
HA HA :D
Now, where in the world do you guys find this stuff???
I think we now have a jingle for our TV show!!
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Chuck is that U?
http://www.ilstu.edu/~jlcunni/itm.mp3
TM
HA HA :D
Now, where in the world do you guys find this stuff???
I think we now have a jingle for our TV show!!
I used to have this on a 45 record (those of you who are too young to know what that is... look it up). It had something similar on the B side, as well. Do an online search for "Henhouse Five Plus Too" for more info.
And... is this Chuck testing his turbine Lancair with no tiedown and very small wheel chocks:
http://bellsouthpwp2.net/n/e/ne1h/Dontdothis.wmv
Funny, scary, and pitiful all at the same time... may I never do something so dumb (but you never know).
TM
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Getting old..........
Getting older has its drawbacks, but I guess there aren't too many good
alternatives to getting older. Whenever you see a gathering of seniors, it
is an even bet they are talking about everything that is wrong with them.
You know, the usual, memory, urinary problems, knees, eyesight, etc., etc.
Well, I am a senior and I absolutely refuse to discuss these issues with
everyone else. If I have a problem, I find a solution. It is not always the
solution that I like, but I handle it the best way I know and I don't
discuss it with every person I see on the street that is past 62. No
sir....
With this in mind, I bought myself a new scooter. I wanted something that
was easy on gas and could zip me to the store and about town. This seems to
meet my EVERY need. I love it!
Remember:
Senior Citizens Are Valuable
We are more valuable than any of the younger generations:
We have silver in our hair.
We have gold in our teeth.
We have stones in our kidneys.
We have lead in our feet and ....
We are loaded with natural gas.
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ROFL, that's a great one! Hmm, I'm only 27 years old (although only for about 5 weeks more) and when I was a small kid my hair was light brown (not blond), later it turned very dark and now it's turning light again, but because of almost half my hairs have turned silver that is, I found the first one at age 18. At least I still have the same high but fixed hairline, my dad at this age was already going bald and I look a lot like him facewise (and personalitywise). My mom's dad had a full head of (pure silver) hair until he died in his 80s when I was still a small kid (very long generations in my family on both sides).
Here's one from one of my high-school teachers, told in class:
I went to a seminar on danish humour and the speaker was this calm man and he started "Danish humour is laughing at a woman falling on the street, that is not funny" and I thought, oh no this is going to be boring, and then the man added "unless she's really old HAHAHAHA".
This above is actually not a age-joke but a demonstration of danish black humour but I thought the story itself told by my teacher was funny. Btw happy, if you haven't read the whole thread then there's another school-experience of mine where I sadly was the target of the joke but a big laugh anyway, it's posted a few pages back. And in general, if you haven't read this thread in it's full length then bookmark it and save it for a rainy day since there are some dusies in there! :)
And now for some aviation humour:
"And this, ladies and gentlemen, is the very first Fokker airplane built in the world. The Dutch call it the mother Fokker."
-- custodian at the Aviodome aviation museum, Schiphol airport Amsterdam.
Ok I must've missed that episode:
"Flying an aeroplane with only a single propeller to keep you in the air. Can you imagine that?"
-- Captain Picard, from 'Star Trek: The Next Generation' episode 'Booby Trap.'
"Son, never ask a man if he is a fighter pilot. If he is, he'll let you know. If he isn't, don't embarrass him."
-- The Great Santini, in 'Get ready for a fighter pilot.
Ok this one is an interesting one, aren't there any?
"If helicopters are so safe, how come there are no vintage/classic helicopter fly-ins?"
-- Jim Tavenner
Lol, this reminds me of the Chicken Wings strip with the new DHC-6 and it's on topic with the conversation in the other thread.
"Lady, you want me to answer you if this old airplane is safe to fly? Just how in the world do you think it got to be this old?"
-- Jim Tavenner
ROFL, personally I'd Rather Be Flying but each to their own, I just had to post this
"Arguing with a pilot is like wrestling with a pig in the mud, after a while you begin to think the pig likes it."
-- Seen on a General Dynamics bulletin board
And now some from the "I bet someone actually did that" catagory
Controller November, turn right and report your heading.«
Pilot: »Wilco, 340, 341, 342, 343... «
Pilot: "Golf Juliet Whiskey, request instructions for takeoff"
Persons unknown: "Open the throttle smoothly, check temperatures and pressures rising, keep the aircraft straight using ....."
Student pilot (who forgot to ask for surface wind) "Please pass wind"
Lost student pilot: "Unknown airport with Cessna 150 circling overhead, identify yourself"
Ok I've heard of a backwards King Air (Beech Rutan Starship 2000) but this one is new! LOL
Heard last weekend at Palo Alto while I was inbound from Leslie Salt:
PAO Twr: "Mooney 23D, traffic is a Cherokee just entering downwind from the left 45."
Mooney 23D: "Uhhh, tower, 23D...only traffic I see is a Cessna."
Pause...
PAO Twr: "Mooney 23D, follow your traffic directly ahead, an, um, inverted Cherokee just abeam the numbers." :)
Actually all these are from an old html-page I saved years ago but some of those I coudln't remember having read before. Hope you enjoyed them, they sure gave me a better feeling on the inside that I got from the bad sleep I woke up from a short while ago, have a good weekend, and every day after that :)
Frank
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Frank, the ones you just posted are gorgeous! So, here we are. It was my first day talking to the radio:
HBCJV holding point......holding point.......God.......holding point George ready for departure.........
I just wanted to disappear as soon as I realized all the fu@@@ing things I had been able to say in a small portion of secs!!!!
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And Frank, before I forget, have a wonderful day you too!
-
We have clearance, Clarence. Roger, Roger. What's our vector, Victor?
Wasn't it from airport?
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Yes, that was Captain Over speaking---of course we should have Ted Stryker verify that................. |:)\
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Her's one for all my farmer friends in sheep country. ;D
Doctor Doug had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day
long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just
couldn't.
The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a
while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that
said:
"Doug, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner
to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And
you're single. Just let it go, Doug"
But invariably another voice in his head would bring
him back to reality, whispering: Doug..............
Doug..............
Doug..............
..................... You're a veterinarian, you sick bastard".
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Poor doctor Doug!! :) :) :)
And here you find another about docs........
It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection.
Traffic quickly piled up in all directions, so a woman rushed to help him.
When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crown, pushed her aside, and said
“it’s all right honey, I’ve had a course in first aid”.
The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man’s pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration. At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said
“when you get to the part about calling a doctor, I’m already here..:”…..
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That one is cute, happy!! :D
Made me wanna ask: "Chuck, is that you?"
-
Q: How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at a party?
A: He’ll tell you….
Q: what’s the difference between God and fighter pilots?
A: God doesn’t think he’s a fighter pilot…..
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Ooooooohhhh, how could I forget to post this???!!??
There is a mother with 3 daughters, who are going to marry one after each other in a short time. Worried for their sex life, she makes them promise to send a postcard from honeymoon with something written on the sexual life they have.
The first goes off to honeymoon and after some days mom receives a postcard with Nescafé written on it. Puzzled, she triest to understand, then she runs into the jar and reads “Good till the last drop”. That makes her happy.
Then she receives a second postcard. There it is written Benson & Hedges.
She searches for a package of cigarettes and reads “extra long. King size”. That makes her happy.
She waits during one, two, three weeks and nothing comes from the 3rd daughter. She begins to worry. Then, one day she opens the mailbox and there it is: the long awaited postcard. On it, just two words: British Airways. Now she is really worried.
Wonder what she read, when she found the ad?
Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways………..
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Yes, that was Captain Over speaking---of course we should have Ted Stryker verify that................. |:)\
Capt Over sir, you have a call from Dr. Ham on line 5...
OK, give me Ham on 5, and hold the Mayo... ;D ;D ;D
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Chuck is that U?
http://www.ilstu.edu/~jlcunni/itm.mp3
TM
That's an old Ray Stevens track. We used to have a bunch of his cassettes. :) (If anybody's too young to know what those are, I'm going to crawl into a hole and die.)
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We have clearance, Clarence. Roger, Roger. What's our vector, Victor?
Wasn't it from airport?
It was Airplane, btw...
-
We have clearance, Clarence. Roger, Roger. What's our vector, Victor?
Wasn't it from airport?
It was Airplane, btw...
good God that it's from airplane and not real life. I do not know if it happens to anybody else but I hate doing RTF. it is the less enjoying thing of all flights.....
-
> Moving to Texas
>
> Mark was sitting in an airplane when another fellow
> took a seat beside him. The new guy was an absolute
> wreck... Pale, hands shaking, biting his nails and
> moaning in fear.
>
> "Hey pal, what's the matter?" Mark asked.
>
> "Oh man... I've been transferred to Texas," the other
> guy answered, "there's crazy people in Texas and they
> have shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, high crime
> rate...."
>
> "Hold on," Mark interrupted, "I have lived in the
> Bahamas and Texas all my life, and it is not near as
> bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work,
> mind your own business, enroll your kids in a good
> school and it's as safe as anywhere in the world."
>
> The other passenger relaxed and stopped shaking for a
> moment and said, "Oh thank you. I've been worried to
> death, but if you lived there and say it's OK, I'll
> take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"
>
> "Me?", said Mark, "I'm a tail gunner on a bread truck
> in Laredo."
>
-
> Moving to Texas ............
AH AH AH!!!! that's very funny!!!!
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Here I found one that is said to be true! (Hope the same doesn't apply to Texas............ ;) )
Hanover Airport. The young woman in Tower has recently finished her training and is still not completely at ease. BA XXX is at holding position runway 09R. Another aircraft is doing approach procedures for a landing on the same runway. Tower wishes to expedite take-off for BA XXX:
Tower: BA XXX, are you ready for a quickie ?
BA XXX: Lady, I'm always ready for a quickie, but first I have to fly this plane to Helsinki !
-
........................."but first I have to Helsinki".........
HA, I had to LOL on that one---GOOD!! ;D
-
Cessna 152: "Flight Level Three Thousand, Seven Hundred"
Controller: "Roger, contact Houston Space Centre"
Tower: "Mission 123, do you have problems?"
Pilot: "I think I have lost my compass."
Tower: "Judging the way you are flying, you lost the whole instrument panel!"
-
Great jokes happy keep them coming. Sure make the day go by a little quicker.
-
Controller: "USA353 (sic) contact Cleveland Centre 135.60.
NO REPLY
Controller: "USA353 contact Cleveland Centre 135.60!"
NO REPLY
Controller: "USA353 you're just like my wife you never listen!"
Pilot: "Centre, this is USA553, maybe if you called her by the right name you'd get a better response!"
-
I found this one...
- At a recent software engineering management course in the US, the participants were given an awkward question to answer. "If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software how many of you would disembark immediately?"
Among the ensuing forest of raised hands, only one man sat motionless.
When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay onboard. With his team's software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off.
;D ;) ;D ;)
-
...sorry, I forgot this one:
Said by my instructor:
the P3 (Pilatus) actually is not able to fly, it only takes off because the world is round...
-
....and another one!!!
Basic Flying Rules:
1. Try to stay in the middle of the air.
2. Do not go near the edges of it.
3. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there.
-
LH741: "Tower, give me a rough time-check!"
Tower: "It's Tuesday, Sir."
---------------------------------------------
Tower: "Phantom-Formation crossing control zone without clearance, state your call-sign !"
Pilot: "I'm not silly..."
--------------------------------------------
Tower: "Hawk 20, is this the same aircraft declaring emergency about two hours ago ?"
Pilot: "Negative, Sir. It's only the same pilot."
---------------------------------------------
Tower: "Delta Fox Alpha, hold position, Marshall will park you."
Pilot: "Roger. Looking out for John Wayne."
---------------------------------------------
Ground Control: "123DG, bear to the left, disabled aircraft on the right."
Pilot: "123DG, Roger, I have the disabled aircraft in sight, but I don't see the bear yet."
----------------------------------------------
ATC: Piper N 4444D, traffic at your 2o'clock, 500 ft below you.
Piper N4444D: Well, we see a light coming towards us ... ATC: Look again - there's probably a plane behind that light.
----------------------------------------------
c ya
-
Q: What's the difference between an Airbus A320-100 and a beaver?
A: 1,000 trees per hour.
TM
-
Aircraft;"Center be advised 456Tango is a citation!"
Controler:" 456Tango this is XYZ aproach. You stop calling us center ,we'll stop calling you twin cessna"
-
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the runway on the taxiway while an MD80 landed.
The MD80 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.
Someone on the MD80 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
Our hero the Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with: "I made it out of MD80 parts. Another landing like that and I'll have enough parts for another one."
-
Happy: Joke to be continued? I seem to remember that one having one more line, and a good one at that :D
Hehe, I see you found the same collection of jokes I did :D My mom also found the one about the instruments very funny :D Btw it was a while since I posted a few of them on that page and since they're golden oldies then no problem posting a few of them again, they're great fun and this thread is long to read thrue :)
Frank
-
Happy: Joke to be continued? I seem to remember that one having one more line, and a good one at that :D
Hehe, I see you found the same collection of jokes I did :D My mom also found the one about the instruments very funny :D Btw it was a while since I posted a few of them on that page and since they're golden oldies then no problem posting a few of them again, they're great fun and this thread is long to read thrue :)
Frank
Gosh, you were right!!! :-[ :-[ :-[ I had forgotten a part and did not notice....look twice, there is always something you're missing......
aviation jokes are real fun! BTW, I should check more often the back pages, if you say that you already posted some!!!
-
to be pardoned for posting half a joke, here is one for the coop........... :D
A man runs to the doctor and says, "Doctor, you've got to help me. My wife thinks she's a chicken!"
The doctor asks, "How long has she had this condition?"
"Two years," says the man.
"Then why did it take you so long to come and see me?" asked the shrink.
The man shrugs his shoulders and replies, "We needed the eggs."
-
Q: What's the difference between an Airbus A320-100 and a beaver?
A: 1,000 trees per hour.
TM
AHHHAAAAAAA!!!
Saw the video---impressive tree mower--- :( :-\
-
.........."Folks, we have someone celebrating his 65th birthday today by taking his first flight." Round of applause follows........... "So on your way off the plane, be sure to stop by the cockpit and wish Capt. Jones a Happy Birthday"..................
Nite Nite Mates! :)
-
A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job, and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."
The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave. The blonde yet again repeats "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The head stewardesses doesn't even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off; the blode is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the copilot.
The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the copilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat. The copilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica."
-
Another one on blondes ;D ;D ;D
An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn't get out of her room.
"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in here, "she cried," one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
-
Skydiving!!!!
Student in the classroom: "If our chute doesn't open, and the reserve doesn't open, how long do we have until we hit the ground?"
Instructor: "The rest of your life."
-
An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.
A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.
"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except the lawyers are still going around passing out business cards......."
-
An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.
A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.
"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except the lawyers are still going around passing out business cards......."
look at that!!!
Who is posting this joke???
Probably the only lawyer in this forum... at least the only female lawyer in here)
hahahaha
(hopefully she won't prosecute me for that ;) sigh ???
-
A Swiss flight has been cancelled and a single young female agent has been assigned to rebook all the passenger.
There is a crowd waiting, and a man passes by, in front of everybody. He is angry, incredibly angry and begins yelling, slapping his ticket on the counter. “I’ve to be on this flight. I do not give a damn, either you give me first class place or it has to be right now, immediately!”. The Swiss young agent, tries to calm him down, saying he has to stay in the line, waiting for his turn. Actually, there is no way she can have any positive reply. He begins shouting “I’ve no intention to stand in line! Do you have any idea who I am?”.
The agent catches her microphone and addresses publicly. “May I have your attention, please. We have a passenger here at the desk who doesn’t know who he is. If anyone could help with the identification, please join us”.
The crowd begins laughing hysterically, the man, angrier than before, glares at the agent and swears “Fuck you”. She smiles “I see, but I’m sorry, sir. Actually, you’ll have to stand in line for that too........”
:) :) Nite nite, mates!
-
Q: Why are blondes jokes so short?
A: So brunettes can remember them.............................
poooooooooooor me!! good nite mates! :) ;) :)
-
The first of the two is a classic, no idea where it's from but I can imagine it was for real and what a great one :D
The second one I've never heard before in my life! ROFL great one! I don't mind though, I just looked myself in the mirror and saw just how many of my hairs are white now instead of dark brown, man I'm really "going grey" and there's still a month to even my 28th birthday! But I don't mind getting white hair, aka viking-blonde in these parts, I would've had a problem with loosing my hair like my dad started to at this age but my hairlines are as high as ever so no worries there.
Hmmm, I don't really have a joke handy atm, tough day with bad and short sleep, sorry. I'll go find some aviation joke links and find some good ones, and try to remember to not put any that's been here before.
Btw, thanks to all for the posted jokes, even if there's no reply off-hand, sometimes the real world gets in the way.
Frank
-
A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!
Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.
Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.
We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall,
and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared
that said: You got Male.
-
April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through class. One day the teacher tried to catch April to see if she was paying attention. She called on her while she was napping.
"Tell me, April, who created the universe?" When April didn't stir Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pen and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good," and April fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our lord and savior," But April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very Good," And April fell back asleep.
Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had had their twenty third child?" And again Johnny jabbed her with the pen. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT FREAKING THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT IN YOU'RE EAR!"
-
Bubba and Billy Joe are walking down the street in Atlanta, and they see a sign on a store which reads, "Suits $5.00 each! Shirts $2.00 each! Trousers $2.50 each!" Bubba says to his pal, "Billy Joe, Look here! We could buy a whole gob of these, take'em back to Sand Mountain, sell 'em to our friends, and make a fortune. Just let me do the talkin' 'cause if they hear your accent, they might think we're ignorant, and not wanna sell that stuff to us. Now, I'll talk in a slow Georgia drawl so's they don't know we is from Alabama."
They go in and Bubba says with his best fake Georgia drawl, "I'll take 50 of them suits at $5.00 each, 100 of them there shirts at $2.00 each, 50 pairs of them there trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my pickup and..."
The owner of the shop interrupts, "Ya'll from South Alabama, ain't ya?" "Well... yeah," says a surprised Bubba... "How come you knowed that?" "Because this is a dry-cleaners..."
-
A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day, the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey died."
Kenny replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."
The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
Kenny said, "Okay then, just unload the donkey."
The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him"?
Kenny said, "I'm going to raffle him off."
"You can't raffle off a dead donkey!" the farmer says.
"Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead." Kenny said.
A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey"?
"I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00."
"Didn't anyone complain"? The farmer asked.
"Just the guy who won. So, I gave him his two dollars back."
Kenny grew up and eventually became the chairman of Enron.
-
A drunk and a preacher were driving up a mountainside in different vehicles.
The drunk was swerving from side to side; the preacher was driving straight and true. All of a sudden, the preacher lost control and drove off the edge of a cliff.
The drunk noticed the preacher going off the edge, so he stopped his car and went to see if he was all right.
He noticed the preacher was climbing up the hillside. He yelled down at the preacher, "Are you alright?" And the preacher replied, "Have no fear my son, I had the Lord riding with me."
The drunk then yelled back, "You had better let him ride with me next time,
cuz your gonna get him killed!"
-
A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing-eye dog one day. They come to a busy intersection, and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man right out into the thick of traffic. This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down.
The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of the street, and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket, which he offers to the dog. A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!"
The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find out where his head is, so I can kick his butt."
-
sent to me this morning by my uncle, under heading "Warning!"
Like you, I hate it when people forward bogus warnings. But, this one is important. Please forward to those you care about.
If someone comes to your front door saying they are conducting a survey on deer ticks and asks you to take all of your clothes off and dance around with your arms up, DO NOT DO IT!!
IT IS A SCAM. They only want to see you naked.
I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid now.
-
plthijnx is bored! ;D
-
D**N YOU PLTHJINX!!!!! >:(
I was just savoring a glass of Chardonnay when I read your 'warning' and had to wipe my keyboard because of nasally spewed wine before I could respond-------------Son, with your wierd sense of humour, I thinking we must be related---got any cousins in Arkansas (other then your exwife) ?
-
sent to me this morning by my uncle, under heading "Warning!"
Like you, I hate it when people forward bogus warnings. But, this one is important. Please forward to those you care about.
If someone comes to your front door saying they are conducting a survey on deer ticks and asks you to take all of your clothes off and dance around with your arms up, DO NOT DO IT!!
IT IS A SCAM. They only want to see you naked.
I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid now.
I would say it's some English humour this one!!! Gosh, we are building a really good reserve of jokes here!! Keep writing Plthijnx!!! :)
-
strange evidences
A husband suspects his wife is having an affair with a pilot but she keeps denying it until finally the husband just knew when his wife said:
Honey, I've told you once, I've told you twice, I've told you niner thousand times, negative on the affair ...
;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;)
-
strange evidences
A husband suspects his wife is having an affair with a pilot but she keeps denying it until finally the husband just knew when his wife said:
Honey, I've told you once, I've told you twice, I've told you niner thousand times, negative on the affair ...
;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;)
HAHAHAHA
GREAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-
The first of the two is a classic, no idea where it's from but I can imagine it was for real and what a great one :D
The second one I've never heard before in my life! ROFL great one! I don't mind though, I just looked myself in the mirror and saw just how many of my hairs are white now instead of dark brown, man I'm really "going grey" and there's still a month to even my 28th birthday! But I don't mind getting white hair, aka viking-blonde in these parts, I would've had a problem with loosing my hair like my dad started to at this age but my hairlines are as high as ever so no worries there.
Hmmm, I don't really have a joke handy atm, tough day with bad and short sleep, sorry. I'll go find some aviation joke links and find some good ones, and try to remember to not put any that's been here before.
Btw, thanks to all for the posted jokes, even if there's no reply off-hand, sometimes the real world gets in the way.
Frank
Sorry for the bad day, hope it's better today. :) :)
and never worry about hairs. the good thing with men (at least that's my point of view.......) it's that they do not lose any appeal (if they have some, naturally!) either with hair (be they color/colorless) or without (and partially without)!
And your welcome for the jokes. it's a pleasure to write them down and if somebody laughs, the mission is accomplished. we always need some humour!
-
yeah dude, don't sweat it. i've been going grey for a while now and actually with the trial and everything i've gone just a bit more as well. in the mean time check out the following link:
http://abum.com/file/shadow/animations/17632.swf
-
[quote author=fireflyr link=topic=20.msg4898#msg4898 date=1149671661
D**N YOU PLTHJINX!!!!! >:(
I was just savoring a glass of Chardonnay when I read your 'warning' and had to wipe my keyboard because of nasally spewed wine before I could respond-------------Son, with your wierd sense of humour, I thinking we must be related---got any cousins in Arkansas (other then your exwife) ?
Flyr, should i have put a SWF warning previous to the joke?? Swallow Wine First??
edit: actually a very good friend of mine lives in the N.E. corner of arkansas......
now, check out this crazy guy!!!! verrrrrrrrrrrrrycool!!!!
CRAZY DUDE (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PmZyB_ghpa0&eurl=http%3A%2F%2Fwww%2Eidiotworld%2Ecom%2Fstory%2F408%2FFlying%5FIdiots)
-
I want to know what that guy was smoking when he came up with the idea to do that. Great footage though.
-
I want to know what that guy was smoking when he came up with the idea to do that. Great footage though.
Didn't he fall out of the baby buggy too much, when toddler, maybe?!!?? Amazing.
-
http://abum.com/file/shadow/animations/17632.swf
That was good! I love when people have a lot of time on their hands.
-
These are the unavoidable laws of the natural universe...
1. Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.
2. Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
3. Law of probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
4. Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
5. Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
6. Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time).
7. Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
8. Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
9. Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
10. Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
11. Theater Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
12. Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
13. Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
14. Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich of landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness, color and cost of the carpet/rug.
15. Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.
16. Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
17. Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
18. Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.
19. Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
-
"Hey, O'Hare, you see the 7600 code flashing five northwest of Gary?"
"Yeah, I do...you guys talkin' to him?"
--------------------------
"Approach, what's the tower?"
"That's a big tall building with glass all around it, but that's not important right now."
-------------------------
"How far behind traffic are we?"
"Three miles."
"That doesn't look like three miles to us!"
"You're a mile and a half from him, he's a mile and a half from you...that's three miles."
-
Julio's law: If you disassemble and reassemble anything often enough, at the end you'll have two of it!!
-
Julio's law: If you disassemble and reassemble anything often enough, at the end you'll have two of it!!
HAHAHA!!........... I'm not sure it's highly related to the frequency of assemblage, but to DIY capabilities......
-
Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served.
When Johnny received his plate he started eating right away.
"Johnny wait until we say our prayer."
"I don't have to." The boy replied.
"Of course, you do," his mother insisted. "We say a prayer before eating at our house."
"That's our house," Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house, and she knows how to cook!
-
A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about all his employees' well being, asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?"
The blonde replies, "This morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."
The boss, feeling very sorry at this point, explains to the young girl. "Why don't you go home for the day, we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest."
The blonde very calmly states, "No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."
The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. "If you need anything, just let me know."
Well, a few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde hysterically crying!! He rushes to her, asking, "Are you ok?"
"No!" exclaims the blonde. "I just got a call from my sister. She told me that HER mom died too!!"
-
One day a teacher said to the class of 5-year- olds, "I'll give $2 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived."
An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Patrick."
The teacher said, "Sorry Sean, that's not correct."
Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Andrew."
The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either."
Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ."
The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Marvin, come up and get the $2."
As the teacher was giving Marvin his money, she said, "You know Marvin, since you're Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ."
Marvin replied, "Well, In my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is business..."
-
Stereotypes or true?
How to treat a Woman:
Wine her.
Dine her.
Call her.
Hold her.
Surprise her.
Compliment her.
Smile at her.
Listen to her.
Laugh with her.
Cry with her.
Romance her.
Encourage her.
Believe in her.
Pray with her.
Pray for her.
Cuddle with her.
Shop with her.
Give her jewelry.
Buy her flowers.
Hold her hand.
Write love letters to her.
Go to the ends of the earth and back again for her.
How To Treat a Man:
Show up naked.
Bring chicken wings.
Don't block the TV.
(I am sure for the guys in here the second one could be a double inuendo...heh heh... ;) ;D )
-
dang mike, you just defined my ex-wife AND ex-girlfriend all at once!
now:
Sorry ladies - I'm only the messenger, not the originators....
TO ALL THE GUYS TO GIVE THEM A GOOD LAUGH......AND TO THOSE LADIES WITH A SENSE OF HUMOUR
Recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.
That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
(David Bissonette)
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
(Sacha Guitry)
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
(Hemant Joshi)
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
(Socrates)
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
(Dumas)
The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?
(Sigmund Freud)
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
(Anonymous)
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
(Henry Youngman)
"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
(Sam Kinison)
"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
(James Holt McGavran)
"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't."
(Patrick Murray)
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
(Nash)
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
(Anonymous)
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
(Henny Youngman)
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
(Rodney Dangerfield)
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
(Milton Berle)
Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
(Anonymous)
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
(Anonymous)
First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
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uhhhh mike, i mean chuck, is this you?!?!?!?!
A drunken man walks into a bar.
The bartender sees that he is already 5 sheets to the wind, and proceeds to inform the man,
"I'm sorry sir, but you will have to leave. We don't serve anyone that drunk in this bar."
The man scowls at the bartender, but stumbles out anyway.
Not 15 minutes later, the drunk stumbles back in the bar.
So the bartender, slightly annoyed at this point, tells the man the same thing he did before.
This time the drunk starts cussing profusely and refuses to leave. But when the bouncer comes over and tells the man to leave, he finally obliges.
About 30 minutes later, the same drunk comes through the door again!
The bartender is really pissed now. So he yells at the drunk to leave, because "we don't serve drunks here!"
Baffled and angry, the drunk says "Damn! How many bars do you work at?!?"
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Plthijnx and Fireflyr are having a debate about the depth of large hole they find in the ground. They can't see the bottom and both are speculating pointlessly. Fireflyr suggests they drop a pebble down the hole and count how long it takes till it hits bottom.
They drop a pebble down and wait a while, but no sound comes back.
"We need a bigger rock." offers plthijnx. They drop a basketball sized stone down the hole, and wait and wait and still, no sound.
Fireflyr and plthijnx look at one another and say "wow, that is a deep hole. We need to find a really huge rock so it makes a loud enough noise for us to hear."
They search around a while and can't find a rock, but they do find a railroad tie, so they drag it over to the hole and shove it in. They stand watching it for a bit when all of a sudden a goat comes leaping out of the bushes and charges straight at them. They both jump out of the way and the goat dives head first into the hole.
They look at each other and say "Holy s$#@! did you see that? That was some weird a$$ crap, just then. That goat charged us and then dove into the hole."
They decide to leave the hole alone, and begin to walk away.
Just then, Mike walks up and says "hey guys, did you see a goat around here?"
"Well, yeah. This goat just attacked us then jumped in that hole over there." Said fireflyr.
"It couldn't have been my goat." said Mike, "My goat was chained to a railroad tie."
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A group of pilots went to a retreat in the mountains.
To save money, they decided to sleep two to a room. But no one wanted to room with plthijnx because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first pilot slept in plthijnx's room and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said,"Man, Mike, what happened to you?" He said, "plthijnx snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different pilot's turn. In the morning, same thing -- hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Whoa, bad night Happylaning? You look awful!" She said, "Geez, that plthijnx shakes the roof. I watched him all night."
The third night was fireflyr's turn. Fireflyr was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said.
They couldn't believe it! They said, "Wow, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked plthijnx into bed and kissed him good night. He sat up and watched me all night long."
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A West Texas cowboy was herding his cows in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If
I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA
page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to
another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.
Within receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.
He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few
minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the
cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy. He watches the young man select one of the animals and
looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?" The
young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says the cowboy.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I
already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about
cows.
Now give me back my dog."
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HAHAHA!!! Good boy, Plthijnx!!! these are unforgettable!!
You're a living encyclopedia of jokes!!!
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"goat chained to a railroad tie" ----where was the swallow first warning on that one? ROFFLMAO!!!!!!!!!! ;D
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"tucked him into bed a give him a kiss" ::) ::)--HAHAAA--my reputation precedes me!!!!!! :-* :-* :-*
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i am new and i read all of that phylhinks or whatevers jokes and ur the funnyest person i have never met keep those jokes coming my friends u are awesome ;D...please post more jokes humor i NEED humor
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why thank you diveej, and just to break format a little bit in the humor thread, this is how much i appreciate your comment:
Fly Low (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v9T51UsuaPU&search=Flying)
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Now there's some hotdogs havng all the fun!! You notice the guy looking at a chart while they are screaming along at low altitude?
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i have a question do u make up all those jokes or copy and paste from other sites and if it is other sites could u give me the adress
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i sort through the bad ones and post the good ones!
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Even if it's summer....that's a good laugh :)
:) :) :) :) :) :)
Santa Claus, upon trudging out to his sleigh for his annual night freight trip around the world, was surprised to find a guy with a shotgun standing next to his rig. Santa asked him why he was there. The man replied, "I'm from the FAA, and this is an unscheduled 135 inspection. I'll ride right seat." Santa responded, "With all due respects, sir, I've been doing this flight for over 700 years -- but if you insist, well, let's go." As they both climbed into the sleigh, Santa noticed that the FAA inspector brought his shotgun along with him, placing it in his lap, with his finger on the trigger. Santa queried, "What's the shotgun for?" To which the FAA inspector grumbled, "You're going to lose two on takeoff..."
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ever seen a blonde on a helicopter?
How does a blonde explain how her helicopter crashed?
She says it was getting cold, so she turned off the ceiling fan..............
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The big game hunter, Fireflyr, walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his
hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one would
dispute that. Then he said that they could blindfold him and he would
recognize any animal's skin from its feel and, if he could locate the
bullet hole, he would even tell them what caliber the bullet was that
killed the animal. The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if
they would put up the drinks. So the bet was on.
They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin.
After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Bear." Then he felt
the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle." He was right.
They brought him another skin from someone's car trunk. He took a bit
longer this time and then said, "Elk. Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle. He was right
again.
Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks.
Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind and went to sleep.
The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one huge black
eye. He said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk
enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this
black eye?"
His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed, put
your hand down my panties, fiddled around a bit and then loudly yelled,
"Skunk... killed with an axe."
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A lady, plthijnx's soon to be ex-wife, walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide.
The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need Cyanide?"
The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord, have mercy -- I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen!
Absolutely not, you can NOT have any Cyanide?"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, " Well, now. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
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NOOOOW YOU'VE DONE IT!!!!!!!!!! :o
My wife walked in, asked me who I was on the phone with and what did I mean when I said "she's heard worse than that" and being the honest forthright person that I am, I showed her your post------------------------Do you realize how fast I had to talk so as not to spend the night in the guest bedroom???? HMMMM?
I finally mollified her with assurances that plthijnx is just a good ole boy with a warped sense of humor and a snotlocker full of booze having a good time trying to get me in trouble---it's not my fault---I am an innocent bystander and I was just laughing so hard trying to make plthijnx feel good etc etc etc blah blah blah.
Pal, I gotta warn ya, this woman is 6 feet tall, 155 lbs of mean full blooded Italian who makes her living by cutting people with knives (so what if it's in the operating room--the potential is still there!) :-\
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tell her it's alright, my dad was a general surgeon. (thank Gawd! b/c he had to put me back together a few times!)
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Yes, it is a dangerous business, hanging around here... ;D
The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need Cyanide?"
The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.
This just reminded me of something that happened to me. Not a joke, this really happened!
When I was living in Japan, I had ant problem in my apartment, so I went off to the pharmacy to get some poison. My Japanese being not the best, I had to look up the word "ant" which is "ari" in Japanese. But somehow, until I got there, the word "ari" and "ani" got mixed up in my head, so I asked for something to kill "ani"... which is "older brother" in Japanese!! ;D The pharmacist gave me a strange look and so I repeated my question.... Well, fortunately after one awkward minute he figured out what I meant and didn't call the police. ::) Hehehe...
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plus:
aren't I lucky??
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ROFL, rude but I can see the joke in it, and that's the main ingredient in humour!
That prescription was really funny (as a joke only of course).
Jim: I got the feeling you seriously were in trouble by that, is your wife really a tall italian lady?
Stef: LOL, good thing he considered you might've made a speech-error, smart thinking on his part |:)\ And lucky for you! :D
Mike: Heck yes you're lucky! It's always the younger brothers that are the most sneaky, we learn from the best! :D
Frank
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A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event
hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of
extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom
approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.
Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It
looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said,
"You know, you should lighten up a little.
Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this
the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
"1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking
everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955!
She took his hand and led him to a private room where she
proceeded to "relax" him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest
and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his
matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."
(Don't ya love military time?!)
-
HIS DIARY AND HER DIARY:
1. HER DIARY
Tonight I thought he was acting weird.
We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink.
I was shopping with my friends all day long,
so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late,
but he made no comment.
Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere
quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent.
I asked him what was wrong; he said nothing.
I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.
He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry
On the way home I told him that I loved him,
he simply smiled & kept driving.
I can't explain his behavior.
I don't know why he didn't say I love you too.
When we got home I felt as if I had lost him,
as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore
He just sat there and watched T.V.
He seemed distant and absent.
Finally, I decided to go to bed.
About 10 minutes later he came to bed,
and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love,
but I still felt that he was distracted & his thoughts were somewhere else.
He fell asleep - I cried.
I don't know what to do.
I'm almost sure that
his thoughts are with someone else.
My life is a disaster.
2. HIS DIARY
I shot the worst round of golf in my life today,
but at least I got laid.
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YEA MIke, gotta love them Marines ;D
Firegirl, do you realize that not only funny---------but it's the truth! ;D
Yes Frank, she really is that big---but I'm 6' 3" and weigh 235 pounds so I got the edge unless, of course she sneaks up on me ;) ;)
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Firegirl, do you realize that not only funny---------but it's the truth! ;D
good thing that one came from a girl, huh?! ;)
and yeah, it totally is the truth! (did your wife see this one yet, fireflyer? ;) heh heh....)
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Firegirl, do you realize that not only funny---------but it's the truth! ;D
good thing that one came from a girl, huh?! ;)
and yeah, it totally is the truth! (did your wife see this one yet, fireflyer? ;) heh heh....)
No but I'm sure she'd be okay with it---YEAH RIGHT--open mouth, insert foot---Dang, I did it again---Soooo how much money do I have to send this time to keep it quiet!!!! ???
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2. HIS DIARY
I shot the worst round of golf in my life today,
but at least I got laid.
How does it happen that I never find boyfriend who play golf? Maybe I could understand him better! Does it work with other sports too?!?!?!?!?! :) :) :) :)
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Enjoy!!!! :D :D :D :D
(busy) Moncton Center: "Speedbird 169 cleared direct Chibougamau"
BAW169: "I'm sorry, sir, can you repeat that?"
CZQM: "Speedbird 169 cleared direct Yankee Mike Tango"
BAW169: "Direct Yankee Mike Tango for Speedbird 169. What was that name again?"
CZQM: "It's called Chibougamau"
BAW169: "Would you say again, please?"
CZQM: "Chibougamau. I say again, Chibougamau!"
BAW169: "Oh, how quaint. What does it mean?"
CZQM: "It's eskimo for f--- off!"
--------------------------
Tomahawk: "F-XAA is final 29, touch and go."
Tower: "XAA is cleared touch and go, 29".
(several long circuits later)
Tomahawk: "F-XAA is final 29, touch and go"
Tower: "F-XAA is cleared touch and go, 29. How many more circuits were you planning on making?"
Tomahawk: "We though we'd make one or two more."
Tower: "Roger. I just wondered because we were calculating your landing fees, and you're up to $13,000 now."
(long delay)
Tomahawk: "THAT WAS OUR LAST ONE!!!!!"
(another long delay)
Tower: "Just kidding. Next time, read your flight supplement."
-------------------------------------
Control: You're unreadable, say again.
Motor-glider: I've turned off the engine, is that better?
Control: (looong pause)
;) ;) ;) ;) ;)
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Three couples were coming home from dinner one night in the same car. Unfortunately the car was in a horrible accident and they all died. When they got to the pearly gates, St. Peter said to them, "Before you may enter Heaven, you must tell me why you should be allowed in."
The first man went up to St. Peter and said, "I've been a good man my entire life. I read the Bible everyday and never take the Lord's name in vain." St. Peter said, "True, but you are so in love with with money that you married a woman named Penny." And with that they were sent to hell.
The second man went up to St. Peter and said, "I've been a great guy all of my life, I go to church every Sunday, and I've read the entire Bible four times." St. Peter said, "True, but you love to drink so much that you married a woman named Sherrie." And with that they were sent to hell.
The third man, overhearing what had been said, looked at his wife and said, "Awww shit, we're never gonna make this, come on Fannie, lets go."
;D ;D ;D ;D
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Great ones all of you |:)\
For the record about the time then in DK we normally use 24-hour time and it's confusing as heck when you have a time in one system and a clock using the other, and now with such long days as we here so far from equator then when sleeping off-hours it can be confusing to find out if it's morning or evening with a 12 hour clock, we do normally put a : inbetween hours and minutes hehe.
About the one with the motorglider then I heard the story as it had a noisy muffler and was in transit flight to a place to get it fixed. I can seriously see this one as being real and man did I want to see that ATC's face :D
What's that again about the flight-supplement for that airport? I read that in another variant of that story too but can't remember it.
Interesting diary-story but I can more relate to her way of thinking than his. What nice person would not pay attention to a nice lady's company and not notice she got concerned? Tsk tsk. However I do still love to laugh at such stereotype stories (at the male's experience of course) :D
Frank
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YOU MAY BE A REDNECK PILOT IF:
your stall warning plays "Dixie."
your cross-country flight plan uses flea markets as check points.
you think sectionals charts should show trailer parks.
you've ever used moonshine as avgas.
you have mud flaps on your wheel pants.
you think GPS stands for going perfectly straight.
your toothpick keeps poking your mike.
you constantly confuse Beechcraft with Beechnut.
just before impact, you are heard saying, "Hey y'all, watch this!"
you have a black airplane with a big #3 on the side.
you've ever just taxied around the airport drinking beer.
you use a Purina feed bag for a windsock.
you fuel your wizzbang 140 from a Mason jar.
you wouldn't be caught dead flyin' a Grumman "Yankee."
you refer to flying in formation as "We got ourselves a convoy!"
there is a sign on the side of your aircraft advertising your septic tank service.
the set of "matched luggage" you take on your long cross-country flights is
three grocery sacks from the same Piggly Wiggly!
when you are the owner of Red Neck Airlines and pilot of Redneck One.
you subscribe to The Southern Aviator because of the soft paper!
P.S. - If you don't believe me, try cleaning yourself with one of those slick
magazines?!
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What an interesting voyage into plthijnx's day. :D
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Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young engineer, fresh out of MIT “and what starting salary were you looking for?”…The engineer said “in the neighbour of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package”. The interviewer said “well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, a company matching retirement fund for 50% of your salary, and a company car leased ever 2 years…say a red Corvette?”. The engineer sat up straight and said “wow! Are you kidding?”. And the interviewer replied “Yeah, but you started it……”. ;D >:( ;D >:( ;D >:( ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;)
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Plthijinx,
your help is needed! I'm really looking forward for a good laugh today! Any ideas?!?!?!? |:)\ |:)\
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sorry sweetheart. been out of pocket. not feeling to humorous right now.
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I'll try, sorry if there are repeaters, there's been a lot of fuel thrue the combustor since last I checked this forum so I might post a few repeaters, but anything to try and cheer someone up. I'll post a lot so I hope there are at least a few new ones for at least some of you. The copied story is in italic, normal text above the story are my own comments.
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TOWER: PH-ABC, check you have the gear down?
PILOT: Sir, it has been down since this aircraft was built.
---
PILOT: Good morning, Frankfurt ground, KLM 242 request start up and push back, please.
GROUND: KLM 242 expect start up in two hours.
PILOT: Please confirm, two hours delay?
GROUND: Affirmative.
PILOT: In that case, cancel the good morning!
---
TOWER: Mission 1234, your are cleared to...via...and via...After take off... and...then...climb to...and further...and descend...further instructions on frequency...or...and squawk...Acknowledge please!
PILOT: Roger tower, we are cancelling IFR.
---
I wonder if this was the one that was used for a certain Chicken Wings strip that had a similar story or if that's a normal occurance for pilots (I sure hope it's the first rather than the second though!)?
CONTROLLER : Delta Oscar Mike, squawk 0476.
PILOT : Say again.
CONTROLLER : Squawk 0476.
PILOT : Four, zero....?
CONTROLLER : Wollen sie nen leichteren haben?
---
PILOT : Tower,request permission to enter zone XY.
TOWER : Negative!
PILOT : Did you say negative ?
TOWER : Affirmative
PILOT : Understood affirmative.I will call you leaving the zone.
---
PILOT : Does the enemy F-16 come from east or west?
TOWER : Yes.
PILOT : Yes,what?
TOWER : Yes,SIR!
---
I really like this one :D
CONTROLLER : Delta Zulu Romeo,turn right now and report your heading.
PILOT: Wilco.341, 342, 343, 344, 345....
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A nice variation on a classic :D
TOWER : Say fuelstate.
PILOT : fuelstate.
TOWER : Say again.
PILOT : again.
TOWER : Arghl,give me your fuel!!
PILOT : Sorry, need it by myself.....
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ATC's can do it too :D
PILOT : ....Tower, please call me a fuel truck.
TOWER : Roger.You are a fuel truck.
---
Ouch!
Santa Claus, upon trudging out to his sleigh for his annual night freight trip around the world, was surprised to find a guy with a shotgun standing next to his rig. Santa asked him why he was there. The man replied, "I'm from the FAA, and this is an unscheduled 135 inspection. I'll ride right seat." Santa responded, "With all due respects, sir, I've been doing this flight for over 700 years -- but if you insist, well, let's go." As they both climbed into the sleigh, Santa noticed that the FAA inspector brought his shotgun along with him, placing it in his lap, with his finger on the trigger. Santa queried, "What's the shotgun for?" To which the FAA inspector grumbled, "You're going to lose two on takeoff..."
---
Seriously, I really like this one, I can see this as a poster on the wall!
The Pilot's Prayer
Oh controller, who sits in tower
Hallowed be thy sector.
Thy traffic come, thy instructions be done
On the ground as they are in the air.
Give us this day our radar vectors,
And forgive us our TCA incursions (*)
As we forgive those who cut us off on final.
And lead us not into adverse weather,
But deliver us our clearances.
Roger.
---
And one for the slingers (my own just-now invented word for sling-wing pilots :D)
Commandments of Helicopter Flying.
* He who inspecteth not his aircraft giveth his angels cause to concern him.
* Hallowed is thy airflow across thy disc restoring thine Translational Lift.
* Let infinite discretion govern thy movement near the ground, for vast is the area of destruction.
* Blessed is he who strives to retain his standards, for without them he shall surely perish.
* Thou shalt maintain thy speed whilst between ten and four hundred feet lest the earth rise and smite thee.
* Thou shall not make trial of thy centre of gravity lest thou dash thy foot against a stone.
* Thou shalt not let thy confidence exceed thy ability, for broad is the way to destruction.
* He that doeth his approach and alloweth the wind to turn behind him shall surely make restitution.
* He who alloweth his tail rotor to catch in the thorns curseth his childrens children.
* Observe thou this parable lest on the morrow thy friends mourn thee.
---
A friend of a friend, who is an airline copilot, told the following stories about a captain with whom he often flew. This guy was an excellent pilot, but not real good at making passengers feel at ease.
For example, one time the airplane in front of him blew a tire on landing, scattering chunks of rubber all over the runway. He was aked to hold while the trucks came out and cleaned up. His announcement:
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm afraid there will be a short delay before our arrival. They've closed the airport while they clean up what's left of the last airplane that landed there.
Then there was the time they were flying through turbulence. Some of the passengers became alarmed at how much the wings were bending in the rough air and one of the flight attendants relayed that message to the captain. His announcement:
Ladies and gentlemen, I've been informed that some of you have noticed our wings bending in the turbulence. In fact, the flight attendant told me that the wing tips are bending as much as ten feet in the bumps. Well, that's perfectly normal; there's nothing to worry about. Our wings are designed to bend as much as thirteen feet at the tips and, as you can see, we're nowhere near that yet.
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NY Ctr: "Federal Express 235, descend, maintain three one zero, expect lower in ten miles."
FedEx 235: "Okay, outta three five for three one oh, FedEx two thirty-five."
NY Ctr: "Delta fahv twuntee, climb one ninah zeruh, dat'll be finah..."
Delta 520: "Uhh... up to one niner zero, Delta five twenty."
NY Ctr: "Al-italia wonna sixxa, you slowa to two-a-fifty, please."
Alitalia 16: "HEY! You make-a funna Alitalia?!"
NY Ctr: "Oh, no! I make-a funna Delta anna FedEx!"
---
Q. Why did Santa Claus ask Rudolf to lead his sleigh team?
A. Rudolf was the only one who was IFR current.
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PILOT: Toronto Terminal, FQOZ is a Cherokee 140, Burlington skyway at 3500, VFR to Buttonville via the island, would like to get as high as possible.
ATC:QOZ, cleared to flight level 230.
PILOT: {sputter, gasp!} Say again! Did you say flight level 230 for QOZ?!
ATC:Just kidding; I can give you up to 6500.
---
To be continued...
Frank
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thank you! I really needed some good laugh! :)
In the meantime a found one....
Mickey and Minnie Mouse were at court for divorce proceedings. The judge told Mickey, "Look here Mickey Mouse, I can't grant you a divorce from Minnie!"
Mickey Mouse was stunned and asked, "Why not???"
The Judge said, "I've reviewed all the information you gave to the court, but I can't find any evidence at all to support the grounds that she is crazy!"
Mickey Mouse says, "Your Honour! I didn't say she was CRAZY, I said she was f**ing Goofy!"
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What an interesting voyage into plthijnx's day. :D
Don't blame him!!!
How would you feel if you were an engineer and never got a chance to drive a locomotive, you'd be frustared too ;D
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Don't blame him!!!
How would you feel if you were an engineer and never got a chance to drive a locomotive, you'd be frustared too ;D
i can drive my locomotive juuuuuuust fine. and without the help of viagra ;D
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ok happy, i'm here to make you happy!
A blind man walks into a bar, makes his way to a bar stool and orders adrink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender. "Hey, You wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think
it is only fair that you should know five things.
Number One. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
Number Two. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
Number Three. I'm a six-foot-tall, 175 lb. Blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
Number Four. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
Number Five. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
She concludes by smugly asking, "Now think about it seriously, do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,
"Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five freaking times.
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Up in Heaven, Alexander the Great, Frederick the Great and Napoleon are looking down on events in Iraq.
Alexander says, "Wow, if I had just one of Bush's armored divisions, I would definitely have conquered India."
Frederick the Great states, "Surely if I only had a few squadrons of Bush's air force I would have won the Seven Years War decisively in a matter of weeks."
There is a long pause as the three continue to watch events. Then Napoleon speaks, "And if I only had that Fox News, no one would have ever known that I lost the Russia campaign."
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fireflyr?? is that you??
A not necessarily well-prepared student sat in his life science classroom, staring at a question on the final exam paper. The question directed: "Give four advantages of breast milk."
He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best:
1. No need to boil.
2. Never goes sour.
3. Available whenever necessary.
So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a fourth answer.
Once more, he sighed. He frowned. He scowled, then wrote.....
4. Available in attractive containers of varying sizes.
He received an A.
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gotta jab at happy here.....
Three fastest means of communication in the world.
3. Tele-phone
2. Tele-vision
1. Tell-a-woman.
You still want faster? Tell her not to tell anyone.
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Ahmadinejad calls Bush and tells him: "President Bush, I called because I had a dream."
Bush: "What was the dream about, Ahmadinejad?"
Ahmadinejad: "I dreamt that USA was rebuilt and on the top of each house there was a sign."
Bush: "And what was written on the sign?"
Ahmadinejad: "Allah is big, Allah is great!!!"
Bush: "You know what Ahmadinejad, it's good that you called because I had a dream too.
In my dream Iran was rebuilt and on the top of each Building there was a sign too."
Ahmadinejad: "what was written on the signs?"
Bush: "I don't know, I can't read Hebrew!!!!"
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A lady walks into a BMW dealership. She browses around, then spots the perfect car - a BMW 3 and walks over to inspect it.
As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now. As she turns around, there standing next to her is a salesman.
"Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?" Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?" He answers, "Madame, if you farted just touching it, you are going to sh@$ yourself when you hear the price!"
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A little scrawny guy goes into a bar.
He is shortly followed by a big burly trucker.
As they sit at the bar drinking suddenly... BAM!!!
The trucker backhands the little guy, and says "That's my Karate from Korea."
Little guy gets back on the barstool and resumes drinking.
Five minutes later... WHAM!!!
The trucker backhands the little guy, and says "That's my Ju Jitsu from Japan."
The little guy leaves the bar, and comes back in five minutes.
He walks up behind the trucker and... KA-POW!!!
He looks at the bartender and says, ”Tell him that was my sledgehammer from Sears!"
-
aaaaaaaaaaaand for you poker fans:
Freddie Mercury, Versace and Princess Di arrive at the Pearly gates. St Peter explains that only one can get through and that they each have to put forward their case for entry.
Freddie says "I know I haven't led a perfect life and I've made some mistakes along the way, but I've made some of the most beautiful music in the world. I'll stand at the back of heaven, and serenade everybody with my wondrous songs, making heaven a far happier place to be"
"Pretty good, Fred" said St Peter, "what about you Gianni?"
Versace says, "I make the most beautiful clothes in the world. I'll completely redesign the fashions up here, from the archangels to the cherubs to the choirboys. As you well know Pete if you look good you will feel good and that will make heaven a much happier place"
"Not bad" says St Peter. "What about you Di?"
Diana doesn't say a word, instead she lifts up her skirt and pulls down her knickers, inserts a full bottle of Evian water into her arse, lets the water shoot up inside her and then gush out all over the floor.
"Excellent, you're in" says St Peter
"Hold on a freaking minute" says Freddie "She didn't even say anything"
"Bollocks, Fred you know the rules" says St Peter, "A royal flush beats a pair of Queens...."
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ok happy, i'm here to make you happy!
OhOhOh wow!!!! Thank you Plthijnx, these were just gorgeous!!!! ;D ;D ;D Wonderful way to begin day with! I should insert the line of what usually happens to Fireflyr with wine, but I was drinking coffee instead! BTW, What you say about fastest means of communication is true. but to be honest I discovered once that the line "I tell you, but do not tell anybody" works as an automatic retransmission or amplification of message for everybody! I remember once, I went out with some friends and I was talking to a guy. I was telling him something, and I said this exact sentence. Just time to finish it, he bent to one side, and straightly repeated what I had said to a friend of his. I was toooooooo shocked not to laugh ;) And well, I will definitely change hair colour.......... :) :) :) :)
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Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous.
They are always getting into trouble and their parents know all about it. If any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.
The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.
So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher later in the afternoon. The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?"
The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open. So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?!"
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God?!"
The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home & dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet he asked, "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time.”
"GOD is missing, and they think we did it!"
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A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and
noticed he had his collar on backwards.
The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way. The man, who was a
priest, said, " I am a Father."
The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."
The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of
many."
The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he
doesn't wear his collar that way."
The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds" and
went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and
said, "Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your
collar."
-
A Guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde. He
immediately turns to her and makes his move.
"You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike
up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk."
The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the
guy, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," says the guy, smiling. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask
you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff --
grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty,
and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"
The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."
"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss
nuclear power when you don't know sh$t?"
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holy crap the two children one and the colllor one is HALORIOUS but i didnt get the last one... ur so funny...
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this guy walks into a bar and bets the bartender 300 dollars that he could pee into a cup from 20 feet away. the bartender takes the bet. the guy pees all over except the cup (on the guy,the floor the ceiling) and then the bartender chuckles and says hand over the money. The Man Says ok let me go get it. so the man comes back with 300 dollars and hands it to the bartender. The man starts laughing. the bartender asks the man why are you laughing you just lost 300 dollors. the man shakes his head and says no i didnt, see those 5 guys over there? i bet them 500 dollars each that i could pee all over your bar and you and not only would you not be angry, but you would be happy.
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The Big Flood
It had been raining for days and days, and a terrible flood had come over the land. The waters rose so high that one man was forced to climb onto the roof of his house.
As the waters rose higher and higher, a man in a rowboat appeared, and told him to get in. "No," replied the man on the roof. "I have faith in the Lord; the Lord will save me." So the man in the rowboat went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him.
The waters rose higher and higher, and suddenly a speedboat appeared. "Climb in!" shouted a man in the boat. "No," replied the man on the roof. "I have faith in the Lord; the Lord will save me." So the man in the speedboat went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him.
The waters continued to rise. A helicopter appeared and over the loudspeaker, the pilot announced he would lower a rope to the man on the roof. "No," replied the man on the roof. "I have faith in the Lord; the Lord will save me." So the helicopter went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him.
The waters rose higher and higher, and eventually they rose so high that the man on the roof was washed away, and alas, the poor man drowned.
Upon arriving in heaven, the man marched straight over to God. "Heavenly Father," he said, "I had faith in you, I prayed to you to save me, and yet you did nothing. Why?" God gave him a puzzled look, and replied "I sent you two boats and a helicopter, what more did you expect?"
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three women(blondes ) are trapped on a desert island and are wondering wot to do they all decide after some time to try and get off the island
they fumble around in the foreset and they manage to find a magic lamp they rub it (not in that way) and a genie pops out and say s i will grant you all one wish
the first blonde says to the genie I would like to be 10 times more clever -the genie snaps his fingers there is a puff of pink smoke and the blonde runs into the forest builds a canoe and sails away
the second asks to be 100 times more cleverer there is a puff of pink smoke she runs off uilds a yaught and sails away
the third is greedy and says I would like to be 1million times more clevererer this time there is a puff of blue smoke and the blonde turns into a man and walks across the bridge home
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Yo moma so stupid she threw a grenade at me, i pulled the pin out, and threw it back
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Sent to me by an ex-USAF Recci F4 Driver....who had it sent to him... who...
anyway... ENJOY!! ;D
This is a hoot!!!
Instrument Flying..
Most people wish to fly on the old gauges at one time or another but are prevented by the high cost of the instruments necessary for this form of flight. The following is a more or less known and extremely simple method which may be used by all.
Place a live cat on the cockpit floor, because a cat always remains upright, he or she can be used in lieu of a needle and ball instrument. Merely watch to see which way he leans to determine if a wing is low and if so, which one. This will enable you to your aircraft level in route with complete accuracy and confidence.
A duck is used for final instrument approach and landing, because of the fact that any sensible old duck will refuse to fly under instrument conditions, it is only necessary to hurl your duck out of the cockpit window and follow her to the ground.
There are some limitations on the cat and duck method, but by rigidly adhering to the following check list a degree of success will be achieved which will not only startle you, but will astonish your passengers as well, and may have an occasional tower operator with an open mouth.
· Get a wide-awake cat, most cats do not want to stand up all the time, so it may be necessary to carry a fierce dog along to keep the cat at attention.
· Make sure your cat is clean, dirty cats will spend all the time washing. Trying to follow a washing cat usually results in a slow roll followed by an inverted spin. You will see that this is most unprofessional.
· Old cats are the best, young cats have nine lives, but an old used up cat with only one life left has just as much to loose and will be more dependable.
· Avoid stray cats. Try to get one with good character because you may want to spend time with her.
· Beware of cowardly ducks, if the duck discovers that you are using the cat to stay upright, she will refuse to leave the aeroplane without the cat. Ducks are no better on instruments than you are.
· Get a duck with good eyes. Near sighted ducks sometimes fail to recognise that they are on the old gauges and will go flogging into the nearest hill. Very near sighted ducks will not realise that they have been thrown out and will descend to the ground in a sitting position. This is a most difficult manoeuvre to follow in an airplane.
· Choose your duck carefully, it is easy to confuse ducks with geese. Many large birds look alike. While they are very competent instrument flyers, geese seldom want to go in the same direction that you do. If your duck seems to be taking a heading to Ireland or Sweden, you may be safe in assuming that someone has given you a goose.
By: Sqn Ldr G. E. Whitelam Int 3, HQ STC
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1200 people attended the recent International Psychic Society
conference.
Moderator: "How many attendees believe in ghosts?"
(Over 80% of the hands were raised)
Moderator: "How many have actually seen a ghost?"
(58% of the hands were raised)
Moderator: "How many believe that a ghost can be solid?"
(23% of the hands were raised)
Moderator: "How many have ever physically touched a ghost?"
(3% of the hands were raised)
Moderator: "How many have ever had sex with a ghost?"
(After some pause one lonely hand at the back of the hall went up)
Moderator: "May I ask where you are from, sir?"
Attendee: "I am from Australia."
Moderator: "And you say you've had sex with a ghost?"
Attendee: "Oh sorry! I thought you said "goat."
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There were three men who were lost in the forest. They were then
captured by cannibals. The cannibal king then told the prisoners
that they could live if they pass the trial. First step of the
trial is to go to the forest with the cannibals and get ten pieces
of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to
gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten
apples." The king then explains the trial to him. You have to shove
the fruits up your ass without any expression on your face or you'll
be eaten. The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced
out in pain, so he was killed and went to heaven.
The second one arrives and shows the king his ten fruits were berries.
When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that
this should be easy. 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... 7... 8... on the
ninth berry he burst out in laughter, therefore also was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked,
"Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?"
The second one replied, "I know, but I couldn't help it. I was doing
just great when all of a sudden that third guy showed up with all
those watermelons!"
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A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him.
He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.
The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door.
She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him.
"I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me toSunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.
Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."
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HOHOHO.........
A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says. "I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow*** there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free."
The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. "Where do you think you going?" the wife asks. "I'm coming with you...I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!"
;) ;) ;)
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Not to sound whiny or "easily offended", but could we lay off just a little on the jokes concening my faith? I'm just asking.
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I don't know if this would be considered humour but I'll post it anyway, and my comment to this is:
Even for danish standards that's really a casual uniform! :D
http://www.airliners.net/open.file/0171522/L/
Frank
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Looks like fireflyr! :D :D
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This one is for you, Plthijnx:
;)
An elderly couple, Ray and Jean, are "snowbirds" in Arizona. Ray had always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one
day, he buys them, and wears them home walking proudly.
He walks into the house and says to his wife, "Notice anything
different about me?"
Jean looks him over, "Nope."
Frustrated, Ray storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back
into the room completely naked except for the cowboy boots.
Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT
NOW?"
Jean looks up and says, "Ray, what's different? It's hanging down
today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again
tomorrow."
Furious, Ray yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE?
IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!"
To which Bessie replies, "Shoul'da bought a hat, Ray, Should of bought a
hat!!!!."
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You should have bought a hat! HAHAHA! ;D ;D ;D
A newlywed couple were spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin resort way up the mountains. They had registered on Saturday and had not been seen for five days.
An elderly couple ran the resort, and they were getting concerned about the welfare of these newlyweds.
The old man decided to go and see if they were all right. He knocked on the door of the cabin and a weak voice from inside answered. The old man asked if they were OK.
"Yes, we're fine. We're living on the....fruits of love."
The old man replied, "I thought so ... would you mind not throwing the peelings out the window? They're choking my ducks!"
____________________________________________
And this one.....
it's quite explicit (so, if it's too much, I beg you pardon and take it down as soon as you tell me!), but I heard it yesterday and I could not pass it down to you since it's tooo toooo tooooo funny....
So.......what's the difference between women and washing powder?
..........None, they do it best at 90 degrees....
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Looks like fireflyr! :D :D
ROFL!!!!!!!-------Eric, I'm gonna get you for that!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Bring it on. *insert squinting smiley*
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Not to sound whiny or "easily offended", but could we lay off just a little on the jokes concening my faith? I'm just asking.
You mean catholic/christian jokes? I do not remember if I ever posted any, but if you feel offended I won't post anything alike. for me it's allright!
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Not to sound whiny or "easily offended", but could we lay off just a little on the jokes concening my faith? I'm just asking.
You mean catholic/christian jokes? I do not remember if I ever posted any, but if you feel offended I won't post anything alike. for me it's allright!
I didn't see anything offensive to be honest. ???
Plus if we start analyzing every joke we might not end up with any in this thread here...
no blonde jokes, no rabbis, no horses in a bar... :D
Let's do some more posting!!!
I think Plthijnx is in trouble again. He hasn't stopped by and we got an email from one of his friends...
So you guys need to step up and pick up the slack!!
Did we have this one yet?
;D
Pilot: "Albuquerque Center, this is United 372. I have an engine that
just went out and I need to land. No panic, but I need a runway that's
close to my present location."
Tower: "United 372, this is Albuquerque Center. You are cleared to
land at [Name of town I have never heard of] Airport immediately."
Pilot: (Who had obviously never heard of town either) "Hey, I'm not
talking some crop duster airport here, Albuquerque Center."
Tower: "United 372, that runway is 6,700 feet long. Is THAT going
to be enough for you, or do you want me to send someone up to help you land?"
;D
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Not to sound whiny or "easily offended", but could we lay off just a little on the jokes concening my faith? I'm just asking.
You mean catholic/christian jokes? I do not remember if I ever posted any, but if you feel offended I won't post anything alike. for me it's allright!
I didn't see anything offensive to be honest. ???
Plus if we start analyzing every joke we might not end up with any in this thread here...
no blonde jokes, no rabbis, no horses in a bar... :D
Let's do some more posting!!!
I think Plthijnx is in trouble again. He hasn't stopped by and we got an email from one of his friends...
So you guys need to step up and pick up the slack!!
Did we have this one yet?
;D
Pilot: "Albuquerque Center, this is United 372. I have an engine that
just went out and I need to land. No panic, but I need a runway that's
close to my present location."
Tower: "United 372, this is Albuquerque Center. You are cleared to
land at [Name of town I have never heard of] Airport immediately."
Pilot: (Who had obviously never heard of town either) "Hey, I'm not
talking some crop duster airport here, Albuquerque Center."
Tower: "United 372, that runway is 6,700 feet long. Is THAT going
to be enough for you, or do you want me to send someone up to help you land?"
;D
Hmm... just when I was going to post the joke about when Mr. Ed, the talking horse, had been ordained as the first blonde rabbi and when to the bar to celebrate! Oy vey!
;D ;D ;D
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I think Plthijnx is in trouble again. He hasn't stopped by and we got an email from one of his friends...
So you guys need to step up and pick up the slack!!
Oh no, I hope not! hope to hear from him soon here and know that's all right. doesn't seem he's being lucky lately.
-----------------------------------
So, here is one.......
Applying for a Job at the CIA
A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available.
The day came for the final test to see which peson would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions whatever the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man looked horrified and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my wife!" "Well," said the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."
So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes; then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her; I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."
"No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Now they only had the woman left to test. They led her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances; this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing, one shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, rashing, and banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes; then all went quiet.
The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat the son of a bitch to death with the chair!"
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And here is two....
So.....men beware! ;) ;) ;)
I never have quite figured out why the sexual urges of men & women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Mars & Venus thing. And, I never have figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. And, I never yet have figured out how the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words "I do".
One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said, "WHAT??" So she says the words that I and every husband on the planet dreads. She explains that I must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. I'm thinking, "What was her first clue?"
I finally realize that nothing is going to happen that night, so I went to bed. The very next day we went shopping at a big unnamed department store... I walked around while she tried on three very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her to take all three of them.
She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth $200 each to which I say OK. And then we go to the Jewelry Dept. where she gets a set of diamond earrings. Let me tell you ...she was so excited. She must have thought that I was one wave short of a shipwreck, but I don't think she cared. I think she was testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet because she doesn't even play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I told her that it was OK.
She was almost sexually excited from all of this and you should have seen her face when she said, "I'm ready to go, let's go to the cash register."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No, honey. I don't feel like buying all this stuff now." You should have seen her face ... it went completely blank. I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man."
I figure that I should be having sex again sometime during the Spring thaw.
-
and 3..........
A purse snatcher stops an old lady and begin searching into her bag. Finding nothing, he starts searching on her body, in her bra, in her panties….
Then, he exclaims “oh shit! You neither have a cent!”. And she replies: “no….but if you keep searching like this I sign you off a check!" :o :o :o ;) ;) ;)
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tower: "You're gonna have to key the mic. I can't see you when you nod your head."
tower: "Put your compass on 'E' and get out of my airspace."
tower: "Hello flight 56, if you hear me rock your wings.." flight 56: "OK TOWER, IF YOU HEAR ME ROCK THE TOWER!!"
Good morning, mates! :) :) :)
-
The Geography of a Woman
------------------------
Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas.
Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.
Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.
Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.
Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.
Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future.
After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.
The Geography of a Man
------------------------
Between the ages of 15 - 70 a man is like Zimbabwe - ruled by a dick.
-
Seen in AVWeb's "Short Final" Section recently....
Overheard while being vectored to the ILS 10 at KMSY:
Approach: Jet 123, maintain 9,000.
Jet 123: Um, ok, we're gonna go through it.
Approach: That's ok, climb and maintain 10,000.
Jet 123: Uh, we're on our way back down to 9,000, now.
Approach: Well, 10 is available, you're welcome to climb and maintain 10,000.
Jet 123: Why are you doing this to us?
Approach: Well, I'm trying to separate you from traffic behind you, if that's OK.
Jet 123: That's fine, but we just zero-g'd an aircraft with a US Senator aboard. We'd rather not squash him, now.
[pause]
Approach: If I'd known that, I'd have sent you back down to 5,000 first.
;D
-
Bring it on. *insert squinting smiley*
Actually, it does kind of look like me after a night of catfish, hush puppies, and beer! :-\ :-\
-
tower: "Put your compass on 'E' and get out of my airspace."
This one is AWESOME!!!
Is this from a Chicken Wings strip I missed?
(I hope not, I tune in every Tuesday...)
-
Is this from a Chicken Wings strip I missed?
Firegirl: No, you did not miss a strip like this...but maybe someday Chuck is going to receive an answer alike...since he rides over Reno Airshow, you never know!
But, here are some others. I do not remember if they were already posted. if yes, they wil lbe just a refreshment!
_______________________________________________________________
Cessna: "Jones tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot, I am out of fuel."
Tower: "Roger Cessna 12345, reduce airspeed to best glide!! Do you have the airfield in sight?!?!!"
Cessna: "Uh...tower, I am on the south ramp; I just want to know where the fuel truck is."
_______________________________________________________________
Cessna: Uh, ATC, verify you want me to taxi in front of the 747.
ATC: Yeah, it's OK. He's not hungry.
(that could explain how a plane become an heavy?!? :) )
On more serious subject:
@ Everybody: IMPORTANT QUESTION: any news about Plthijinx?!?!?!?!? Good news, hopefully?!?!? ??? ??? ??? ???
-
Is this from a Chicken Wings strip I missed?
Firegirl: No, you did not miss a strip like this...but maybe someday Chuck is going to receive an answer alike...since he rides over Reno Airshow, you never know!
But, here are some others. I do not remember if they were already posted. if yes, they wil lbe just a refreshment!
_______________________________________________________________
Cessna: "Jones tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot, I am out of fuel."
Tower: "Roger Cessna 12345, reduce airspeed to best glide!! Do you have the airfield in sight?!?!!"
Cessna: "Uh...tower, I am on the south ramp; I just want to know where the fuel truck is."
_______________________________________________________________
Cessna: Uh, ATC, verify you want me to taxi in front of the 747.
ATC: Yeah, it's OK. He's not hungry.
(that could explain how a plane become an heavy?!? :) )
On more serious subject:
@ Everybody: IMPORTANT QUESTION: any news about Plthijinx?!?!?!?!? Good news, hopefully?!?!? ??? ??? ??? ???
I haven't heard anything about him recently. I do hope all is okay with him. Sounds like things were going pretty rough over his way last I heard or saw. Keep your fingers crossed!
-
I haven't heard anything about him recently. I do hope all is okay with him. Sounds like things were going pretty rough over his way last I heard or saw. Keep your fingers crossed!
Willco, for sure!
But I think that everybody here feels his absence! So, hope to hear from him soon, knowing he's well.
-
A lawyer got married to a woman who had previously been married 12 times. On their wedding night, they settled into the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride said to her new groom, "Please, promise to be gentle. I am still a virgin."
This puzzled the groom, since after 12 marriages, he thought that at least one of her husbands would have been able to perform. He asked his new bride to explain the phenomenon.
She responded:
My first husband was a Sales Representative who spent our entire marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, 'It's gonna be great!'
My second husband was from Software Services; he was never quite sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he would send me documentation.
My third husband was from Field Services and constantly said that everything was diagnostically OK, but he just couldn't get the system up.
My fourth husband was from Educational Services, and he simply said, Those who can, do; those who can't, teach.
My fifth husband was from the Telemarketing Department and said that he had the orders, but he wasn't quite sure when he was going to be able to deliver.
My sixth husband was an Engineer. He told me that he understood the basic process but needed three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
My seventh husband was from Finance and Administration. His comments were that he knew how, but he just wasn't sure whether it was his job.
My eighth husband was from Standards and Regulations and told me that he was up to the standards but that regulations said nothing about how to do it.
My ninth husband was a Marketing Manager. He said, 'I know I have the product. I'm just not sure how to position it.'
My tenth husband was a psychiatrist, and all he ever wanted to do was talk about it.
My eleventh husband was a gynecologist, and all he ever wanted to do was look at it.
My twelfth husband was a stamp collector, and all he ever wanted to do was -- God I miss him!
So now I have married a lawyer, so I know I'm going to get screwed!
-
Good one Happy! ;D
And Plthijinx... you are missed... Come back soon... and well! |:)\
-
And Plthijinx... you are missed... Come back soon... and well! |:)\
I completely agree! Plthijinx where are thou?!??!? ??? ???
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A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 AM.
Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. She sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."
"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.
As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "aren't you Officer Fenwick of the 8th District?"
"Yes, I am," said the officer.
"Well, then, what in the world are you doing in the Fire Chief's uniform?"
-
IF AIRLINES SOLD PAINT . . .
Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?
Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things.
Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price?
Clerk: Our lowest price is $12 a gallon, and we have 60 different prices up to $200 a gallon.
Customer: What's the difference in the paint?
Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint.
Customer: Well, then I'd like some of that $12 paint.
Clerk: When do you intend to use the paint?
Customer: I want to paint tomorrow. It's my day off.
Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.
Customer: When would I have to paint to get the $12 paint?
Clerk: You would have to start very late at night in about 3 weeks. But you will have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday.
Customer: You've got to be *&%^#@* kidding!
Clerk: I'll check and see if we have any paint available.
Customer: You have shelves FULL of paint! I can see it!
Clerk: But it doesn't mean that we have paint available. We sell only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way, the price per gallon just went to $16. We don't have any more $12 paint.
Customer: The price went up as we were talking?
Clerk: Yes, sir. We change the prices and rules hundreds of times a day, and since you haven't actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, we just decided to change. I suggest you purchase your paint as soon as possible. How many gallons do you want?
Customer: Well, maybe five gallons. Make that six, so I'll have enough.
Clerk: Oh no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy paint and don't use it, there are penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already have.
Customer: WHAT?
Clerk: We can sell enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the bedroom, you will lose your remaining gallons of paint.
Customer: What does it matter whether I use all the paint? I already paid you for it!
Clerk: We make plans based upon the idea that all our paint is used, every drop. If you don't, it causes us all sorts of problems.
Customer: This is crazy!! I suppose something terrible happens if I don't keep painting until after Saturday night!
Clerk: Oh yes! Every gallon you bought automatically becomes the $200 paint.
Customer: But what are all these, "Paint on sale from $10 a liter" signs?
Clerk: Well that's for our budget paint. It only comes in half-gallons. One $5 half-gallon will do half a room. The second half-gallon to complete the room is $20. None of the cans have labels, some are empty and there are no refunds, even on the empty cans.
Customer: To hell with this! I'll buy what I need somewhere else!
Clerk: I don't think so, sir. You may be able to buy paint for your bathroom and bedrooms, and your kitchen and dining room from someone else, but you won't be able to paint your connecting hall and stairway from anyone but us. And I should point out, sir, that if you paint in only one direction, it will be $300 a gallon.
Customer: I thought your most expensive paint was $200!
Clerk: That's if you paint around the room to the point at which you started. A hallway is different.
Customer: And if I buy $200 paint for the hall, but only paint in one direction, you'll confiscate the remaining paint.
Clerk: No, we'll charge you an extra use fee plus the difference on your next gallon of paint. But I believe you're getting it now, sir.
Customer: You're insane!
Clerk: Thanks for painting with United.
-
A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window. A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong, mean-looking, hulking guy plops down in the seat next to him and immediately falls asleep.
The little guy starts to feel a little airsick, but he's afraid to wake the big guy up to ask if he can move aside to let him go to the bathroom. He knows he can't climb over him, and so the little guy is sitting there, looking at the big guy, trying to decide what to do.
Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave of nausea passes through the little guy. He can't hold it in any longer and hurls all over the big guy's chest.
About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the vomit all over him.
"So," says the little guy, "......are you feeling any better now?"
-
A small jet trainer was taxying toward the beginning of the runway. The pupil stopped for checks when he and his instructor were watching a section of A-4s taking off at a rather steep angle.
Pupil: Sir, how come they take off so steeply?
(a moment of pause)
Instructor: Do you know why a dog licks his balls?
Pupil:No, Sir
Instructor:Because he CAN...
-
IF AIRLINES SOLD PAINT . . .
... oh my god! this is SOOO true! I was switching from laughter to seriously thinking "yeah, why do they really do that?" the whole time!!
-
A reporter was interviewing an old Scandinavian fighter pilot, asking him how it was in the war.
"Vell," said the old guy, "vee used to fly up dere and dogfight dem Krauts. Ya, vee used to shoot dem German fokkers outta da sky."
"For the benefit of our viewers," interrupted the reporter, "we should explain that the term 'fokker' refers to a specific type of German fighter plane."
"Vell ya," said the old Scandianvian pilot, "but those fokkers were Messerschmitt's."
-
... oh my god! this is SOOO true! I was switching from laughter to seriously thinking "yeah, why do they really do that?" the whole time!!
HAHA! Imagine if all the world used to go in the same way!!! :D We're still lucky, even if something doesn't work, we haven't reached these levels yet!!!!
-
Short, but funny:
One day, Jay Dini came home and was greeted by his wife dressed
In a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do
anything you want."
So he tied her up and went fishing.
-
One day, Jay Dini came home and was greeted by his wife dressed
In a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do
anything you want."
So he tied her up and went fishing.
Man! it could have been his lucky day! :)
At least, did he come home with some fish?!?!?
________________________________________________
Lady Radar Controller: "Can I turn you on at 7 miles?"
Airline Captain: "Madam, you can try."
Nite Nite! ;)
-
Those are great! Keep 'em coming Happy and Stef!
I need to dust of my brain cells to remember more of the ones I used to know.... at least the cleaner ones :) Got plenty from when I was a police dispatcher... but they aren't exactly... well ... suitable for here :)
-
ATC: "Delta 23, cross Gainesville at and maintain flight level two seven zero."
Delta23: "Delta 23, roger."
(three minutes later, Delta 23 is five miles from GNV, at FL 350)
ATC: "Delta 23, did you copy the crossing restriction, Gainesville at flight level two seven zero?"
Delta23: "uhhh..... Jax... we're gonna miss that, my first officer took that clearance"
ATC: "Delta 23, do you think you could borrow his notes?"
-
An FAA Inspector walked into a doctor's office with a frog on his head.
The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
And the frog said, "Take this wart off my butt."
-
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, fishing, always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of
sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.
I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. “When you finish cutting the grass,” I said, “you might as well sweep the sidewalk.”
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
-
Two guys flying in a helicopter at night with NV goggles on.
Radio: ,,constant information coming in and sencless thing''
Then there are 2 trees pretty close together
Pilot#1: Ye think we are going to fit ?
Pilot#2: We sure as hell are going to try!
-
Student Pilot: "I'm lost; I'm over a lake and heading toward the big E."
Controller: "Make several 90 degree turns so I can identify you on radar."
(short pause)...
Controller: "Okay then. That lake is the Atlantic Ocean. Suggest you turn to
the big W immediately ..."
Good Morning Mates! :) :)
-
A DC-10 had an exceedingly long rollout after landing with his approach speed a little high.
San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end of the runway, if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
:) :)
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The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. the following exchange took place between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign "Speedbird 206":?Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."?Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop. ?Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"?Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."?Ground (with arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"?Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944 but it was dark and I didn't stop."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, One o'clock, three miles, eastbound."?United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."
-
Ah Happy, you're bringing out all the classics, I wonder how many are actually true? I for one would really like to have seen the expressions of the ATC and possibly hear esponse to that last one :D (I'm sure it's an old story so the pilot/captain could still be of legal flying age while having been able to have been in WWII at the time it supposedly happnd).
|:)\
Frank
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Yeah, it's a nice one! there is an incredible number of jokes alike and - even if they get old - the humor in them is always cracking. good point by the way. I hadn't thought about the PIC's age! |:)\
And about ATC: I'm quite sure that for once they kept their mouth shut!! :)
-
True incident.... TWA Flight inbound to Lambert Field (STL) in St. Louis in the late 1980's....
ATC: "TWA 123, slow down a bit, I've got a small aircraft cleared in ahead of you."
TWA 123: "TWA 123, Wilco."
...a couple of minutes later... and with headwinds increasing on the approach...
ATC: "TWA 123, request you slow down more for spacing. You're gaining on the traffic in front of you, and he's still on long final."
TWA 123: "TWA 123, Wilco!" the pilot says.. slowing the plane to just about as slow as possible now....
...about thirty seconds later...
ATC: "TWA 123, slow down more! You're gaining still!"
Exasperated, the TWA pilot finally says; "ATC this is TWA 123, do you know just how slow this plane can go?!"
ATC: "No Sir, but if you ask the guy in the seat next to you, he might know!"
The controller was fired!
-
A really good one Ted! :D :D
If you ask the guy he may know......!that's an incredible reply!
---------------------------------
Tower: Alitalia 194 - taxi to rwy 28, hold short
AZ194: Ahhh, yes, taxi to rwy 28
Tower: AZ194, cleared for take-off
AZ194: Ahhh, two minutes, need preflight (checks)
30 seconds later:
Tower: Alitalia 194, YOU ARE CLEARED FOR TAKE OFF NOW.
AZ194: Ehmmm, yes, yes, take off in two minutes ....
Tower: Alitalia 194, expedite take-off, we have Delta 767 final on 28 2,8 miles!
AZ194: Ahhh, we need 30 more seconds...
Delta 767: Hey Spaghetti, take-off or I'll fu@@ you from behind!
-
EVER WONDERED ABOUT THE GENDER OF THINGS?!? ??? ??? ??? ??? ?????ZIPLOC BAGS - male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.??SWISS ARMY KNIFE - male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.??KIDNEYS - female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.??SHOE - male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.??COPIER - female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. Because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed. Because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.??TIRE - male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated.??HOT AIR BALLOON - male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it...and, of course, there's the hot air part.??SPONGES - female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.??WEB PAGE - female, because it is always getting hit on.??SUBWAY - male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.??HOURGLASS - female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.??HAMMER - male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.??REMOTE CONTROL - female... Ha! You thought I'd say male?!? But consider... it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
-
this is cute:
-
scientific proof that girls are evil and men are worse....
-
Tower: "...and for your information, you were slightly to the left of the centerline on that approach."
Speedbird: "That's correct; and, my First Officer was slightly to the right"
-
Pilot: "Approach, Federated 303's with at 8000' for vectors ILS, full stop.
Approach: "Unable Federated 303. The ILS is out of service."
Pilot: "We'll take the VOR then."
Approach: "Sir, the VOR's in alarm right now. Standby."
Pilot: "OK, guess it'll have to be the ADF then."
Approach: "303, unable the ADF right now for traffic saturation."
Pilot: "OK, approach. State my intentions....."
-
Tower: "Delta Fox Alpha, hold position, Marshall will park you."
Pilot: "Roger. Looking out for John Wayne."
------------------------------------------------------------
LH741: "Tower, give me a rough time-check!"
Tower: "It's Tuesday, Sir."
-----------------------------------------------------------
Pilot: "...Tower, please call me a fuel truck."
Tower: "Roger. You are a fuel truck.
----------------------------------------------------------
Tower: "Airline XXX, it looks like one of your baggage doors is open."
Captain (after quickly scanning the FE panel): "Ah, thanks tower, but you must be looking at our APU door."
Tower: "Okay, Airline XXX, cleared for takeoff."
Captain: "Cleared for takeoff, Airline XXX."
Tower, during the takeoff roll: "Airline XXX, ahh ... it appears that your APU is leaking luggage..."
----------------------------------------------------------
A United Airlines 747 captain tries to make light banter with Sydney, Australia, Approach Control ...
Captain: "Good morning, Sydney, this is United XXX, we're 50 miles out and have your island in sight ..."
Approach: "Roger, United ... you're cleared to circle the island twice, then it's okay to land."
---------------------------------------------------------
Q. How do you stop a Flight Attendant from having an orgasm?
A. Press the F/A Call Button - She'll never come.
:D ;D :D ;D
Nite nite Mates!
-
This one is for you plthijnx:
Only makes sense in English but must have happpened in Swizerland:
Yodeling
Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began?
Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland
Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. !
The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.
As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?"
"That fellow traveling through," said the farmer. "needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn."
The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared him a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn.
About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.
The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn,! and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.
The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.
When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried. "We made such passionate love last night!"
"What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.
The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!"
The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out.....
"LAIDTHEOLADEETOO"
-
HAHAHA! Maybe we were an English speaking place back in the past, but more probably the person who invented the yodel were an American or an English man traveling through Switzerland and we used his chant as if it were our invention!!
;D ;D ;D
I was telling this to Steepturn this morning in front of a coffee in the city center, and I couldn't end it, since I was laughing like a mad. it did not look anymore like a yodel, but like a strangled cry! :)
Here you're with another one......
A welcome to a new co-pilot from an old captain:
"Son, your wife's legs have more time in the air than you do...."
;) ::) :D ;)
-
Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Atlanta. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Bud said, "Man, I wish we had
something to drink!" Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?" So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed.
The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels, in fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! Then The phone rings...
It's Jim. Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"
Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?"
Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"
Bud says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often."
"Yeah, well there's just one thing..."
"What's that?"
"Have you farted yet?"
"No..."
"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in PHOENIX!
-
LOL!!! Great ones indeed, happy!!!!
You know in an aircraft why they called it the "Whiskey Compass".... because they used to fill the resevoir for the mag compass up with whiskey. Trouble is the Air Force maintenance guys used to take a straw and suck it dry... then filled it up with kerosene instead!
The Marine maintenance guys found out there was kerosene in the compass resevoir.....so they sucked those dry!
I'm not sure I want to know what the Marines used instead of kerosene!
----- And... a bit of trivia ----
In the days of the Soviet Union the state of the military moral was such that many units would be more concerned about the physical appearance of their equipment than it's utility just to satisfy the commanders. They would literally paint leaves green, tires black, etc., all for the sake of appearances. Contrary to western mythos, Vodka was not the common drink, but, rather, beer (in Russian called "piva"). However, in the military, even beer was scarce at times. So, many took to drinking sterno, anti-freeze, etc., in search of getting a buzz to help forget their troubles! I guess they must have heard about the Marines!!
;D
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So, many took to drinking sterno, anti-freeze, etc., in search of getting a buzz to help forget their troubles! I guess they must have heard about the Marines!!
Oh my! you made me remember that in Solzenitsyn's book Gulag (I hope it's the translation in English) he was writing about the fact that people did not have to eat in the gulag and once some people there found fossil and did everything was in their power to find a way to eat it ??? ??? ???
But well, it surely isn't written in the right place here, since it's the humour thread so........
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Unknown landing signal officer to carrier pilot after his 6th unsuccessful landing: "You've got to land here, son. This is where the food is".
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Eggenfelden Info : D-EXXX please report persons aboard.
D-EXXX (C-172) : Pilot and two pax and one dog.
Eggenfelden Info (after Cessna finally bounced to stop): Assume the Pilot in Command was the dog ? ::) ::)
Okay mates, I will catch some sleep now! Nite Nite!!
-
A young man enters into a drugstore and ask the pharmacist for a condom. “You know…this evening I go to my fiancée home, for a dinner. She is so much horny I’m for sure going to lay her”. The pharmacist hands him a condom, he pays and go out. After some minutes he comes back and ask for another condom “you know, my fiancée’s sister is...well, ya know, she is horny too. So, tonight I’m going to lay her too…”. The pharmacist hands him a condom, he pays and go out. After some minutes he comes back and ask for another condom “you know, my fiancée’s mother is so much horny…that’s sure that tonight I’m going to have a gorgeous night, you know? I’ll actually get a full box of condom and enjoy this night, several times with my fiancée, every position, ohhhh she is so much oversexed, and then her sister, gosh, so titillating and then her mom…she is old, but you know, you see she is a provocative female”. The pharmacist nods, get him a package, the young man pays and goes away.
At evening, he is seated near his fiancée, at her parent’s house, waiting for dinner. “Who says the prayers tonight?”, ask the mother “oh, why don’t you say them for us?” looking at the young man. “Okay. Then…….Dear dear dear dear God, we thank you for this dinner, and we thank you for this home, and for the people around us. And we thank you for the sun, and the water and the world and for the fact blablablablablablablablablablablablabla….” Going on, eyes fixed to the table, for ten minutes and more straight.
After that the girlfriend ask him “Oh my dear, I did not know you were such a believer!” and she gets this reply: “I’m not usually, but you did not tell your dad is a pharmacist……..”
;D :D ::) :D ;) :)
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Happy, among all the girls I know, you certainly are the one who knows the most dirty jokes! ;D |:)\
Here's another one, by the way:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $500 to drop that towel that you have on." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $500 and leaves. Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower, "Who was that?" "It was Bob, the next door neighbor," she replies. "Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the $500 he owes me?"
-
Happy, among all the girls I know, you certainly are the one who knows the most dirty jokes! ;D |:)\
Oh my....I also know clean jokes, even if they are more difficult to remember :D ....but here you go!
that's one of my favorite.....a really sweet one:
A camel approaches his mom and says (whining toddler’s voice).“Mummy, mummy! Look at us! Can you see how ugly we’re? Look, look at the hoofs!”. (reassuring voice) “Oh no my dear! What are you saying? We’re not ugly and these hoofs are one of the best ideas of Mother Nature. You know, in desert, we would not survive without these. We can walk for hours, we do not feel the heat of the sand, we do not suffer any broken leg. Any other animal would break a leg and – for that reason – die”. The little camel look at his hoofs with new eyes, smiles and goes away. “Uh oh!”.Some time passes, and he comes back to his mommy. “Mummy, mummy! Look at us! Can you see how ugly we’re? Look, look at our eyelashes, how long they are!”. The mom (again in a reassuring voice) answers to the small camel “Oh no my dear! What are you saying? We’re not ugly and these eyelashes are one of the best ideas of Mother Nature. You know, in desert, we would not survive without these. We can walk for hours, seeing where we are going. On the contrary, any other animal would not see anymore, should stop and – under the heat of the sun – die.”. the small camel seems convinced once again and goes away happily. Some time passes, and he comes back to his mommy. “Mummy, mummy! Look at us! Can’t you see how ugly we’re? Look, look at our backs, how long they are!”. The mom (again in a reassuring voice) answers to the small camel “Oh no my dear! What are you saying? We’re not ugly and these backs are one of the best ideas of Mother Nature. You know, in desert, we would not survive without these. We can walk for hours, without drinking and eating, thanks to these backs. On the contrary, any other animal would not survive, and under the heat of the sun, he would starve and die.”. the small camel seems convinced once again and goes away happily. Some time passes, and he comes back to his mommy. “Mummy, mu…” (urgency in the voice). “Don’t tell me we are ugly again, my dear!”…..He looks at her and says “No, Mom, no. but….if we have all these things…what the hell are we doing into a zoo?!?!”
-
Tower to a Braniff Boeing 720: “Traffic twelve o’clock, three miles, several targets, possibly a flight of ducks.”
Braniff Boeing 720: “Do those ducks paint better if they’re banded?”
Tower: “No, but it’d sure help if they had a transponder.”
Braniff Boeing 720 “Well, they squawk, don’t they?”
Nite nite mates!
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SQUAWK??????
Sounds more like a seagull joke ;D ;D ;D
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So, ducks do not squawk?!? ??? ??? ???
Okay, I'll go with jokes about.........blondes today!
Day1:
A blonde comes home from school and says to her mum,"We learned how to count up to 5 today mummy. I got up to 10. Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?"
Mum replies: "yes dear"
Day 2:
"We learned how to do the alphabet today mummy. The others only got up to E and I got up to S. Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?"
Mum replies: "yes dear"
Day 3:
"We learned about breasts today mummy. All the other girls are flat chested and I'm a 36DD. Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?"
Mum replies: "No dear, it's because your 25.........
--------------------------------------
A bunch of blondes walk into a restaurant celebrating and chanting "28 days, 28 days, it only took us 28 days!!"
Everyone wonders what took them 28 days and why they are celebrating. Finally, when the blondes are about to leave, a waitor goes up and asks "What took you 28 days, why are you celebrating??"
All the blondes say "We just finished a puzzle in 28 days and on the box it said 3-6 years!!!"
Nite nite mates! ;) ;)
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TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN. AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL.
THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, "GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED. THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE."
THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS.
AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, "YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!"
"DEAD?" SAYS HIS FRIEND, "WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?"
"WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER."
HIS FRIEND SAYS, "COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH."
"A WITCH, WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?"
"WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW."
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I have a German Shepherd dog & I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart
and was in line to check out.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What else would you do with Purina?
On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned.
I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.
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A fireman is working outside the fire station when he notices a little girl with a red wagon that has a garden hose coiled inside and a small ladder.
The little girl is wearing a firefighter's helmet and her wagon is being pulled by her dog and cat.
He walks over for a look and notices the wagon is tied to the dog's collar and the cat's testicles.
He then comments that she could go faster if the rope was tied to the cat's collar too and she replies " you're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren!
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What kind of accident did the proctologist have?
He was rear-ended!
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Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette. It started to rain, so the old lady reached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke.
Her friend saw this and said, "Hey that's a good idea! But, what is that thing you put over your cigarette?"
The other old lady said, "It's a condom."
"A condom? Where do you get those?"
The lady with the cigarette told her friend that you could purchase condoms at the pharmacy. When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the
questions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms. The pharmacist said yes, but looked a little surprised that this old woman was interested in condoms, so he asked her, "What size do you want?"
The old lady thought for a minute and said, "One that will fit a Camel."
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Your family is so poor, when I went to your house I stepped on a cigarette and your Daddy shouted, “Hey, who turned off the heater!”
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A man and his wife entered a dentist's office.
The wife said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible."
"You're a brave woman," said the dentist. "Now, show me which tooth it is."
The wife turns to her husband and says: "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear."
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Q: What can a goose do, that a duck can't do and a lawyer should do?
A: Stick his bill up his @ss.
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An old man and a young man work together in an office. The old man always has a jar of peanuts on his desk, and the young man really loves peanuts.
One day, while the old man is away from his desk, the young man yields to temptation and scarfs down over half of the contents of the jar. When the old man returns, the young man feels guilty and confesses to his crime.
"Don't worry, son. I never eat the peanuts anyway," the old man replies. "Since I lost my teeth, all I can do is gum chocolate off the M&M's."
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[quote author=plthijnx link=topic=20.msg6160#msg6160 date=1155140625
"Don't worry, son. I never eat the peanuts anyway," the old man replies. "Since I lost my teeth, all I can do is gum chocolate off the M&M's."
And I thought I was the only one doing that............................................. :D
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A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon.
"Care to go upstairs and do it?" the husband asked.
"Shh!" said the bride "All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?"
So, the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?"
"No, I definitely shut it," replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.
When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?"
"No, thanks," said the husband. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand."
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Not sure if this was posted before or not....
It's in German, but you definitely don't need to know German to know what's going on!
Welcome to Airline Racing! ;D ;D
http://www.alexisparkinn.com/photogallery/Videos/2006-2-21_Digital_Airline_Racers.wmv
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A.D.D. combined with C.R.S. what a combination!!
Mike, didn't you know all pilots have ADD? We can't focus on anything for more than 5 minutes without thinking about planes and flying! ;)
Phil
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During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the director, 'What is the criterion that defines a patient to be institutionalized?'
'Well...' said the director, 'we fill up a bathtub, and we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask him to empty the bathtub.'
'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor, with a chuckle. 'A normal person would choose the bucket as it is larger than the spoon or the teacup. Right?'
'Noooooooo!' answered the director. 'A normal person would pull the plug.'
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A man is stopped by a policeman for high speed. As soon as the policeman tells the man he has to retire the driving license, the man tries to convince the other not to. The officer then says: “okay, I won’t retire you the driving license if you reply to this question: you’re driving in the night and you see two lights coming in your opposite direction. What is that?”. The driver easily answers “well, it’s a car”. The officer says in an ironic way “ohhhhhhh nononononono, I’m sorry. I’ll have to get your license, since it could be a camion, a car, two bikes, a bus…”. Then the man says: “okay, that’s right. You’re right: but I will give you the licence, if you answer to an easy question. You’re driving at night and you see a women dressed in a scandalous way, who stops clients on the road. Who is she?”. The officer replies: “oh, incredibly easy. She’s a bitch”.the driver then replies: “Excuse me officer, but you’re wrong: it could be your mother, your wife, your sister……”.
:) :) :)
Nite nite Mates!
-
Oh man, it's sure one heck of a collection of jokes there are here |:)\
Greetings
Frank
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A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class
section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue,
gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen
seconds.
The man went back to his reading.
A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped
her nose, then shuddered violently once more.
Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still
curious about the shuddering.
A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As
before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking ever
more than before.
Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and
said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times,
wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you ok?"
"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition;
whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. " I have
never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything
for it?"
The woman nodded, "Pepper".
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A pilot who wasn't the top of his class is on approach to an airport.... he's making the radio calls with the tower and the following ensues.....
Tower: "Cessna 1234; I don't have a visual on you and your transponder doesn't seem to be picking up here. Do you have the runway in sight?"
Cessna 1234: "Affirmative, tower! You're right in front of me! You don't see me on approach?"
Tower: "Negative visual contact with you Cessna 1234. Are you certain you are on approach here to this airport, or are you lost?"
Cessna 1234: "I'm definitely on approach to the right airport, tower. I recognize all the buildings and everything! Am I clear to land?"
Tower: "Cessna 1234, I don't have you in sight for some reason, but there is nobody else around, so if you see the runway and can make it in okay, you are cleared to land. Please call the tower after landing."
Cessna 1234: "Roger that, tower! Thanks!"
A few moments later... the mains touch... the pilot has the power all the way out, full flaps down, maximum braking and aerobraking.... finally getting the plane stopped just before the runway surface ends!! Sweating, tires and brakes hot and practically smoking, the pilot, shaken finally hears the radio come alive again.....
Tower: "Cessna 1234, are you OKAY?!!!"
Cessna 1234: "Roger that, tower! This runway sure is short.... but I've never seen one as wide as this one!!!!"
Tower: "Chuck??? Is THAT you?!"
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"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition;
whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. " I have
never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything
for it?"
The woman nodded, "Pepper".
OHMYGOD! it's quite sure that it is a rare medical condition that every woman would like to have!!!!!! :D :D :D
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*ahem* need some pepper there do ya happy? ;D ::) ;D
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It was a sunny Saturday morning on the course, and I was beginning my pre-shot routine on #1, visualizing my upcoming shot, when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker.
"Would the gentleman on the Ladies Tee back up to the Men's Tee, please!!"
I was still deep in my routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement--"Would the MAN on the WOMEN'S Tee kindly back up to the Men's Tee."
I finally stopped, turned, looked through the clubhouse window directly at the person with the mike and shouted back, "Would the person in the clubhouse kindly shut up and let me play my second shot?!"
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A big game hunter goes on safari with his wife and his mother-in-law. One morning, the wife wakes up to find her mother gone. Immediately, she awakens up her husband and they both set off to find the old woman.
Suddenly, they break into a clearing and there's the mother-in-law, standing face-to-face with a ferocious lion!
"Quick, darling," the wife shouts frantically, "Do something!"
"Oh, no," the husband says, "That lion got himself into this mess. Let him get himself out!"
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A woman in Atlantic City was losing at the roulette wheel. When she was down to her last 10 dollars, she asked the fellow next to her for a good number.
“Why don’t you play your age?” he suggested.
The woman agreed, and then put her money on the table.
The next thing the guy with the advice knew, the woman had fainted and fallen to the floor. He rushed right over.
“Did she win?” he asked.
“No” replied the attendant.
“She put 10 dollars on 33 and 46 came in
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“She put 10 dollars on 33 and 46 came in
So said, never lie on age!!!!! :D ;D
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Quite rude....but always funny:
Two women chatting in a bar:
woman 1:"my husband will surely come home with a bouquet of flowers this evening, since it's our anniversary".
woman 2: "ohh....so romantic!"
woman 1: "you think? I'll have to spread my legs..."
woman 2: "why?!?!? don't you have any vase at home!?!?!"
Nite nite mates!
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here is one that really happened:
A Blonde and a Brunette are sitting at the airport restaurant after a guy just got
up from the table :
Brunette: So this is your new boyfriend?
Blonde: Yes!
Brunette: But he's not very good looking!
Blonde: I know . . . . but he's a pilot!
-
This couple goes to an agricultural show way out in the countryside a fine Sunday afternoon, and are watching the auctioning off of bulls.
The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off:
"A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year."
The wife nudges her husband in the ribs, and comments,
"See! That was more than 5 times a month!"
The second bull is to be sold: "Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year."
Again the wife bugs her husband, "Hey, that's some 10 times a month.
What do YOU say to that?!"
Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison.
The third bull is up for sale: "And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 360 times last year!"
The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells,
"That's once a day, every day of the year! How about YOU?!"
The husband was pretty irritated by now, and yells back, "Sure, once a day!
But ask the announcer if they were all with the same fat cow!!"
;D :D ;) :) :) ;) :D ;D
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Pilot Talking Rules
The only three things a wingman should ever say are:
Two's up.
Lead, you're on fire.
I'll take the fat chick.
And in a multi-place aircraft, there are only three things the copilot should ever say:
Nice landing, Sir.
I'll buy the first round.
I'll take the fat chick.
As a new copilot on a bomber I was told to only say these three things and to otherwise keep my mouth shut and not touch anything:
Clear on the right.
Outer (marker) on the double (indicator)
I'll eat the chicken. (Crew meals consisted of one steak and one chicken to avoid possible food poisoning of the cockpit crew).
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Man, the jokes just keep comming, and from both sides of the pond too, and from both genders too |:)\ |:)\ |:)\
If only we had such a steady stream of Av-Gas/A-1 (that's jet-fuel right?) and money for flying 8)
Frank
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Women ARE evil. Here's a mathematical proof.
If you have a wife/girlfriend, you need to spend time with them. We all know that time is money. And money is the root of all evil.
So, if
Women = Time
Time = Money
Money = Evil,
Then
Women = Evil
I like that one, but you gotta use the full one or they can argue it. ;)
You start out with "women require time and money" (you can get women to agree with this). This gives you: women = time x money
Now, time is money. (time = money)
So you get women = money x money
women = money^2
Now money is the root of all evil (this is one of the important parts, it's root of all evil, not that it is evil.
Well that means that money = sqrt(evil) that's a square root
so women = money^2
women = sqrt(evil)^2
women = evil
Works best when you can write it out as you explain it.
Advisory... they havn't been able to counter it, but they have hit me for showing it to them too...
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Hope this wasn't already posted... I'm still wading my way through 30 some odd pages...
This is an oldie, but still good.
Q: What's the difference between an alcoholic and a nymphomaniac?
A: A cockpit door.
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OK, Moose season in Alaska opens tomorrow morning. I was riding along as safty pilot again tonight, keeping an eye on a cessna who was skimming the tree tops below our holding pattern and heard the following Radio conversation.
Fairbanks Approch: Cessna XXXX, have you found a moose yet?
Cessna xxxx: approch, negative, still looking.
Some of you remember that last time I flew as Safty pilot we got a close look at a C-123. Well, the same IFR student told me his next flight with his CFII the same thing happened, with the same C-123. So tonight approch advised us: "Cessna XXXX, traffic 1 mile south, altitude unknown, direction unknown, intermittent contact".
As I started scanning to the south I told the pilot, "I'm either looking for a flock of geese or a C-123!" He laughed and said, I was just thinking the same thing!
Phil
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sent to me this morning by my uncle, under heading "Warning!"
Like you, I hate it when people forward bogus warnings. But, this one is important. Please forward to those you care about.
If someone comes to your front door saying they are conducting a survey on deer ticks and asks you to take all of your clothes off and dance around with your arms up, DO NOT DO IT!!
IT IS A SCAM. They only want to see you naked.
I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid now.
I would say it's some English humour this one!!! Gosh, we are building a really good reserve of jokes here!! Keep writing Plthijnx!!! :)
You guys know that the warning is based off a real one, right? There was a guy going around knocking on doors telling women he was a dynacologist and offering free breast exams. The worst part was that he had half a dozen or so who decided it was a good deal and let him have at it.
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I have a lot of pilots in my family, so I have a number of true stories that are fairly amusing.
My dad is a pilot, finally made captain right before 9/11 actually... back to f/o for a while after that too...
Anyway, they were flying into Atlanta with a number of thunderstorms around, his f/o is giving a cabin announcement when they get struck by lightning on the nose. Here's what the passengers get.... there's a really loud boom, the plane starts shaking, the lights are flickering in and out... and in the middle of all this the f/o is screaming his guts out over the intercom! Poor guy hadn't ever been struck by lightning before and didn't take it very well at all (granted a nose strike is supposed to be fairly exciting).
-
YOU MAY BE A REDNECK PILOT IF:
you have mud flaps on your wheel pants.
I never saw mud flaps on an airplane until I got to Alaska...
-
BARADIUM---Showed your enhanced "women=evil" post to my wife and without missing a beat she replied "now there is one lonely bachelor" :(
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BARADIUM---Showed your enhanced "women=evil" post to my wife and without missing a beat she replied "now there is one lonely bachelor" :(
Ouch!
Tell her she just made my point. ;)
-Ryan
-
Anyway, they were flying into Atlanta with a number of thunderstorms around, his f/o is giving a cabin announcement when they get struck by lightning on the nose. Here's what the passengers get.... there's a really loud boom, the plane starts shaking, the lights are flickering in and out... and in the middle of all this the f/o is screaming his guts out over the intercom! Poor guy hadn't ever been struck by lightning before and didn't take it very well at all (granted a nose strike is supposed to be fairly exciting).
Oh my! They mustn't have had a nice time!
You made me remember that some days before my PPL exam, I was flying with my former, boyfriend to be, and he had told me I should have taken off in a specific way. I completely forgot, and then I started yelling, cursing how I had taken off, probably with the worst vocabulary with which I could come out. I was completely shut up when he stopped my cursing, saying something like "Gosh....MISS, I wonder how your boyfriend can manage with you".
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Oh my! They mustn't have had a nice time!
You made me remember that some days before my PPL exam, I was flying with my former, boyfriend to be, and he had told me I should have taken off in a specific way. I completely forgot, and then I started yelling, cursing how I had taken off, probably with the worst vocabulary with which I could come out. I was completely shut up when he stopped my cursing, saying something like "Gosh....MISS, I wonder how your boyfriend can manage with you".
LOL! Sounds like you were pretty hard on yourself...
On trap some people get into is that they worry so much about a previous mistake that they keep making more, leading to a crash. When you mess up, it's bad, but you have to get past it. Once you're back on the ground then you can be mad at yourself. ;)
I have a ton of jokes, but most of them are on my other computer, which needs a power supply fan and is currently in Georgia in boxes...
Here's one...
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her
body hurts wherever she touches it.
Impossible!" says the doctor "Show me."
The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her left breast and screams,
then she pushes her elbow and screams in even more agony. She pushes her
knee and screams; likewise she pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere
she touches makes her scream.
The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?"
"Well, no" she says, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor says. "Your finger is broken."
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For the cops out there....
"Police Quotes"
"The handcuffs are tight because they're new.
They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
"So, you don't know how fast you were going.
I guess that means I can write anything I
want on the ticket, huh?"
"Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor,
but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention
that I am the shift supervisor?"
"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm
warning you not to do that again or I'll give
you another ticket."
"The answer to this last question will
determine whether you are drunk or not.
Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"
"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets
and my wife gets a toaster oven."
"Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid."
"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We
used to have quotas, but now we're allowed
to write as many tickets as we want."
"Just how big were those two beers?
"In G~d we trust, all others are suspects."
_______________________________________________________________
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-Ryan
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HA HA !!!
The police ones a great! How refreshing!
I just came back here from browsing through the AOPA forum and once again was turned off by everybody bickering, calling people names, and taking themselves too seriously.
I have over 7000 flight hours and have been in aviation for over 14 years (over 18 if you count RC planes) but all these guys know so much more than me...it's amazing! makes me feel stupid! ;) ;D
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Having once been a police dispatcher, I can likewise appreciate the great cop ones. I know a lot of jokes of that genre too, but wouldn't post them here due to most being strong R rating .... or worse ;) |:)\
Mike, I know what you mean about that forum! I've had similar experiences with it, and others. Just remember the phrase that I coin whenever I deal with such individuals....
"Those of you that think you know everything are annoying those of us that DO!" ;D
Then, of course, there's the other one that I like which is a quote from good 'ol Albert Einstein....
"Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds!"
Which only goes to also prove the third axiom of life.....
"There are people out there that shouldn't let their minds wander... they're too weak to be out alone!"
;D ;D ;D ;D
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Great jokes, some of them should be used by actual cops to scare dumb/reckless people! The speed one was great :D
I know about big forums being one big flame-fest, like Race Sim Central, it's bloddy hell and ruins all the fun of the games/sims, I was a super mod there but I left since I couldn't stand the tone there, despite hard attemps of me and my 100+ colleauges to try various ways of keeping it in order.
This place is like a Sky Haven (location from Crimson Skies) or like Louis' Bar from Take Spin (another great one, and I'm actually thinking of replacing the GT90 avatar with a avatar of Balloo to try and fit in better).
I'm sorry I can't contribute any jokes at this time, but I wanted to say thanks and confirm that this is a great place |:)\
I'm sad to hear the great AOPA I've read so much about isn't a better place :( But with my luck I'm never getting near a plane other then that one time in 2002 so...
Frank
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I just came back here from browsing through the AOPA forum and once again was turned off by everybody bickering, calling people names, and taking themselves too seriously.
I have over 7000 flight hours and have been in aviation for over 14 years (over 18 if you count RC planes) but all these guys know so much more than me...it's amazing! makes me feel stupid! ;) ;D
When you started in aviation, I wasn't even 10 yet. ;)
I don't even have 700 hours yet either. ;)
I ask my captains after every flight for criticism, anything I did that I can improve on. The senior guys have thousands and thousands of hours of turboprop time in these conditions. I want to learn as much as I can from them. After all, if I can do this stuff, any other type of airline flying would be a piece of cake!
I think every pilot needs to remember that everyone still has something they can learn. You can't know everything, as much as you might like to. Correction isn't an attempt to insult, it's an opportunity to learn more... hence my requesting it at the end of each day of flying, or each flight if a segment included a lot of tough flying (like shooting an ILS in a sigmet for moderate to severe turbulence in the vicinity of the airport... that one was actually pretty fun).
Flight time can be misleading as well sometimes. You have a lot more than me, but I might know a thing or two about Alaska that you don't. Although I'd like to think that overall you probobly can put me to shame any day of the week in overall aviation knowledge. ;)
One of the things about aviation is that everyone is specialized to a degree. Someone who does VFR all the time might not know much about the IFR environment, someone who does a lot of charters might not be aware with current airline procedures and regs etc. An airline captain won't know what a cropduster is allowed to do and some places are weird by themselves. For example, there are a lot of regs that seem to say "...except in Alaska." Stuff that is legal here and part of every day operations would get you violated and possibly cause your ticket to be pulled in the lower 48.
The worst part about a message board is that if you post something wrong, you *will* get corrected. Even if it's just to make sure that wrong information isn't spread.
On which note, Ted I hope I didn't offend you with the ILS thread, it's been bugging me since I posted that I might have come off too strong in that one.
Anyway, that's enough of a somber type rant in a joke thread, how about back to the fun stuff?
-Ryan
Fairbanks, Alaska
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HA HA !!!
The police ones a great! How refreshing!
I just came back here from browsing through the AOPA forum and once again was turned off by everybody bickering, calling people names, and taking themselves too seriously.
I have over 7000 flight hours and have been in aviation for over 14 years (over 18 if you count RC planes) but all these guys know so much more than me...it's amazing! makes me feel stupid! ;) ;D
Speaking of Cop jokes---I like the one where the cop tells the perp "if you move, I'll make your birth certificate worthless paper!"
As far a being a good pilot, hell, I learned long time ago that a lot of pilots are better/smarter/more experienced than I am and if you don't believe me, just ask THEM!!! ;D ;D
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I just came back here from browsing through the AOPA forum and once again was turned off by everybody bickering, calling people names, and taking themselves too seriously.
I have over 7000 flight hours and have been in aviation for over 14 years (over 18 if you count RC planes) but all these guys know so much more than me...it's amazing! makes me feel stupid! ;) ;D
When you started in aviation, I wasn't even 10 yet. ;)
I don't even have 700 hours yet either. ;)
I ask my captains after every flight for criticism, anything I did that I can improve on. The senior guys have thousands and thousands of hours of turboprop time in these conditions. I want to learn as much as I can from them. After all, if I can do this stuff, any other type of airline flying would be a piece of cake!
I think every pilot needs to remember that everyone still has something they can learn. You can't know everything, as much as you might like to. Correction isn't an attempt to insult, it's an opportunity to learn more... hence my requesting it at the end of each day of flying, or each flight if a segment included a lot of tough flying (like shooting an ILS in a sigmet for moderate to severe turbulence in the vicinity of the airport... that one was actually pretty fun).
Flight time can be misleading as well sometimes. You have a lot more than me, but I might know a thing or two about Alaska that you don't. Although I'd like to think that overall you probobly can put me to shame any day of the week in overall aviation knowledge. ;)
One of the things about aviation is that everyone is specialized to a degree. Someone who does VFR all the time might not know much about the IFR environment, someone who does a lot of charters might not be aware with current airline procedures and regs etc. An airline captain won't know what a cropduster is allowed to do and some places are weird by themselves. For example, there are a lot of regs that seem to say "...except in Alaska." Stuff that is legal here and part of every day operations would get you violated and possibly cause your ticket to be pulled in the lower 48.
The worst part about a message board is that if you post something wrong, you *will* get corrected. Even if it's just to make sure that wrong information isn't spread.
On which note, Ted I hope I didn't offend you with the ILS thread, it's been bugging me since I posted that I might have come off too strong in that one.
Anyway, that's enough of a somber type rant in a joke thread, how about back to the fun stuff?
-Ryan
Fairbanks, Alaska
I agree with you on that everyone can learn something from others. I have learned things from zero-time non-pilots with regard to certain things in aviation due to them seeing things either from a passenger perspective, or their viewpoint as a controller, mechanic, etc. So I never discount those inputs. My making light of things on the AOPA forum (and others) was simply to point out that there are people out there that don't know what they are talking about but like to pretend they do, or otherwise have input that is unwelcome because it denegrates the individuals being responded to, which is not appropriate under any circumstances.
The military rule of praising in public and disciplining in private should hold even in public forums, but unfortunately there are those out there that don't adhere to such basic precepts of respect, so you end up needing such philisophical approaches as the ones I mentioned to allow such things to bounce off without harm. I would say "like water off a duck's back", but we're talking Chickens, not Ducks ;D ;D
Anyway, please don't take my post as being dismissive, nor an attempt to say that even those with irate attitudes don't have things of value to say. I know you didn't direct your response towards me, but I thought I should post this so people understand my attempts at humor are not to be misconstrued.
|:)\ :)
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As long as we're all one big happy family, right? ;)
I almost told another story, but the unfortunate thing about true ones is you know the people involved might stop by and read them!
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Flight time can be misleading as well sometimes. You have a lot more than me, but I might know a thing or two about Alaska that you don't. Although I'd like to think that overall you probobly can put me to shame any day of the week in overall aviation knowledge. ;)
You have a very good point there! |:)\
But I think what keeps us "experienced" pilots in the air is that we realize that and that I would probably come to you for advice if I ever make it to AK asking YOU for advice, regardless how many flight hours I have.
Here is one argument I alsways have with the airline guys that comes to mind. They laugh at 7000 hours, especially the cross-atlantic guys. But they have 1 (one!) landing for every 10 flight hours. I do an average of 40 landings per every 10 flight hours in my job. I am pretty proficient when it comes to landings....
...and so on.... I am sure you get my point.
I just mentioned this in another thread:
I just drive the damn thing!
I am in aviation and in the forums to have fun. I am not interested in a aviation version of the Jerry Springer show.
I hope this forum will accomplish that!
In the AOPA forum, one of the guys admitted to insulting some of the guys by saying: "That's the way I am. I would say it to your face in real life as well if you meet me. I can be a jerk...."
Great argument !!! (NOT >:()
Just because you're Jerk in real life and are not hiding behind the anonymity of a forum doesn't make it right! ! ! !
Anyways....look at me gettin all caught up in this petty s#!t !!!
This is supposed to be a happy forum, let's post some more jokes!!! :D
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You have a very good point there! |:)\
But I think what keeps us "experienced" pilots in the air is that we realize that and that I would probably come to you for advice if I ever make it to AK asking YOU for advice, regardless how many flight hours I have.
Here is one argument I alsways have with the airline guys that comes to mind. They laugh at 7000 hours, especially the cross-atlantic guys. But they have 1 (one!) landing for every 10 flight hours. I do an average of 40 landings per every 10 flight hours in my job. I am pretty proficient when it comes to landings....
...and so on.... I am sure you get my point.
I just mentioned this in another thread:
I just drive the damn thing!
I am in aviation and in the forums to have fun. I am not interested in a aviation version of the Jerry Springer show.
I hope this forum will accomplish that!
In the AOPA forum, one of the guys admitted to insulting some of the guys by saying: "That's the way I am. I would say it to your face in real life as well if you meet me. I can be a jerk...."
Great argument !!! (NOT >:()
Just because you're Jerk in real life and are not hiding behind the anonymity of a forum doesn't make it right! ! ! !
Anyways....look at me gettin all caught up in this petty s#!t !!!
This is supposed to be a happy forum, let's post some more jokes!!! :D
My dad said he flew with a pilot who used to do the Kneecap flights over the atlantic (when they used to always have planes aloft over the ocean to ensure command continuity). He told me that the guy was a nice guy with thousands upon thousands of hours... and couldn't fly the airplane worth anything. My dad said it was like the only thing he knew how to do was fly in circles. ;)
I think we average a landing an hour, but since we alternate legs I usually get fewer. Right now I think I have around 2 per hour on average for my total time... being on the flight team meant I had a lot of flights of .6 with 5 landings and so on. ;) I did have to adapt my flight team techniques (competition spot landings among other things) somewhat going to a twin turboprop though... Beech 1900s don't like flying slow as much as a 152 does (don't ask).
The other thing about those trans altantic guys is, how many hours do they have where they were actually flying? We only have one 1900 with an autopilot (and it's a recent addition to the fleet and only has George because George is cheaper to keep than remove). Thus, we do a lot of hand flying. Those guys hit buttons. 90% of their flight time is sitting there reading a newspaper. One of the recent upgrade captains spent 20 years flying a Piper Navajo. Those are single pilot and guess what? They have an autopilot. I can tell that he's used to an autopilot when we're in cruise on one of his legs. ;)
I almost wonder if some day companies might start being interested in how much autopilot time you have.
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/threadjack.
during their silver anniversary, a wife reminded her husband, "Do you remember when you proposed to me, I was so overwhelmed that I didn't talk for an hour?"
The hubby replied, "Yes, honey, that was the happiest hour of my life."
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can't remember if this one had been posted or not....
There's a lot to be said about marital bliss...
A while back there was an opening in the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are extremely difficult to fill, requiring an extensive background check, training, and testing before candidates are even considered for the position. After reviewing several applicants and completing all the checks and training, the field was narrowed to the three most promising candidates. The day came for the final test, which would determine which of equally qualified candidates, would get the job.
The final candidates consisted of two men and one woman. The men administering the test took the first candidate, a man, down a corridor to a closed door and handed him a gun saying, "We must be completely assured that you will complete your assignments and follow instructions regardless of the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife, seated in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man, looking completely shocked said, "You can't be serious! I could never kill my wife." The CIA man said, "Well, then, you're obviously not the man for the job. Take your wife and go home." They brought the next candidate in, the other man, and repeated the instructions. This man took the gun, walked into the room and closed the door. However, after five minutes of silence, the door opened and the man handed the CIA tester the gun, saying, "I just couldn't do it. I couldn't kill my wife. I tried to pull the trigger but I just couldn't do it." The CIA man said, "Well, then, you're obviously not the man for the job. Take your wife and go home."
Then they brought the woman down the corridor to the closed door, handed her a gun, and said, "We must be completely assured that you will complete your assignments and follow instructions regardless of the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your husband, seated in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun, walked into the room, and before the door closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing. One shot after another, for thirteen shots, the noise continued. Then all hell broke loose. For the next several minutes, the men heard screaming, cursing, furniture crashing and banging on the walls; then suddenly, silence. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!"
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Three old pilots are walking on the ramp. First one says, “Windy, isn’t it?”
Second says, “No, its Thursday!”
Third one says, “So am I. Lest go get a beer.”
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Pilot: Control tower, what time is it?
Control tower: What airline is this?
Pilot: What difference does that make?
Control tower: Well if it is UA, it is 6:00p.m.; if it is TWA, it is 1800 hours; if it is Ozark, the big hand is on the…..”
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“I’ve never flown before, said the nervous old lady to the pilot. “You will bring me down safely, won’t you?
“All I can say ma’am,” said the pilot, “is that I’ve never left anyone up there yet!”
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A jet ran into some turbulent weather. To keep the passengers calm the flight attendants brought out the beverage carts. “I’d like a soda,” said a passenger in the first row. Moving along, the attendant asked the man behind her if he would like something. “Yes, I would,” he replied. “Give me whatever the pilot is drinking!”
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Pilot: Control tower, what time is it?
Control tower: What airline is this?
Pilot: What difference does that make?
Control tower: Well if it is UA, it is 6:00p.m.; if it is TWA, it is 1800 hours; if it is Ozark, the big hand is on the…..”
There's a version of that for up here, slightly different... but it involves company so I think I could get in trouble for posting it. ;)
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If anyone has ever gotten a chuckle out of the Bud Light Beer "real men of genius" radio comercials.... here's a site http://diis.net/article.php?story=budlight that has all of them in MP3 format
Brian
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There's a version of that for up here, slightly different... but it involves company so I think I could get in trouble for posting it. ;)
When I was in flight training I was told if I heard Anchorage talking to a KAL flight that I should get out of the air....
OK, as for humor:
I was a student pilot (2000), and my instructor and I were doing touch and goes in N4791Q (Cessna 152) at Kenai Municiple Airport (ENA). Also playing around was a SCAR flight--A military Citation. They and the C-130s liked to do approaches at Kenai because it's FAR less busy then Anchorage. Anyhow, as I'm on downwind for 19R the gal in the tower calls "Check gear down" to the Citation. The SCAR flight calls back "Gear down and locked". A moment later (you could HEAR her looking through the binoculars) "Oh, I see....that's some small gear"...the instructor and I about burst a gut at that point. However, the Citation pilot was quick: "No ma'am, that's low profile!".
'Course we couldn't leave that alone. Tower had asked me to call in on base, so when I called in it was "Kenai tower, Cessna Niner-One Quebec left base for One Niner right with big gear". The gal in the tower lost it and was laughing over the radio. The SCAR guys didn't think it was so funny...they parked in such a way in front of our tiedown I had to taxi WAY around them to keep out of their jet wash...funny how they had to leave them at such a HI idle :)
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There's a version of that for up here, slightly different... but it involves company so I think I could get in trouble for posting it.
I think I can guess ;D there's a couple of company frequencies I like to ease drop on when I'm going cross country. One in particular has a bunch of real cut ups.
Phil
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Ok... I know this is a cartoon from a different (and nowhere near as good) comic.... but I thought it a good one to illustrate just how much influence Chicken Wings is having out there!
http://aviationcartoons.com/archives/ChickensCantFly090406.html
Is that Chuck flying it???
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There's a version of that for up here, slightly different... but it involves company so I think I could get in trouble for posting it.
I think I can guess ;D there's a couple of company frequencies I like to ease drop on when I'm going cross country. One in particular has a bunch of real cut ups.
Phil
Haha! So maybe I should start asking "Phil, you on company?"
Too bad you aren't up on a regular basis, I'd start doing it. ;)
Tomorrow is a Galena-downriver day. Not a bad run...
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Don't know Frontier's Co. Freq yet. You guys seem to think you're an airline or something and won't let me ride in the cockpit after all. :( ???
Phil
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Wow Frank... You've just returned me like 15 years into the past with that Baloo avatar. one of my favourite cartoons (along with swat kats and another about a squad of german pilots, and a dog, flying after a message pidgeon in WWI... don't remember the name of that last one though)
And for the guys who like the warnings, here's another one ;D
LATEST THIEF STRATEGY
If you're going to the mall, better keep an eye out for the latest kind of roberies. I was at the mall last week and while heading for my car I noticed two beautiful girls washing a car about two or three cars away from mine, a 90-60-90s burnette and an equally hot blonde. they seemed like they needed the job because they were wearing small, tight fitting t-shirts and really short shorts, which naturally were all wet because of the water. As I aproached my car they were giving the car the last touches and they asked me if I could give them a lift to the next mall. Naturally, being a gentleman and all I told them that I'd do that with pleasure. They both climbed into the back seats of my car and started a conversation, but by the time we pulled out from the mall they were already kissing! About two blocks away from the mall I stopped at a red light and the blonde got into the front passenger seat and started kissing me! I couldn't beleive my luck and I couldn't help but drive a little slower. When we finally got into the next mall they got off and I headed home. But when I got home I noticed that my wallet was gone! The burnette one must've taken it while the blonde was taking my attention... Those two girls can be found at one of those two malls and they'll use the same strategy on you allways. Anyway, just to warn you because I got stolen that day... and the next day... and the next one... and again yesterday... and today... twice... and... wait a second, I have some free time tomorrow too...
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Swat Cats!! I remember that, and their plane of course was a Tomcat, with 3 engines!! Woohoo!
The other really sounds like a classic Hannah Barbera cartoon (the same two guys made Tom & Jerry, The Flintstones, The Jetsons, Yogi Bear, Top Cat etc. etc.), I think it was simply called Catch That Pigeon and that was with Dick Dastardly and Mutley (the dog, who seemed to be the more intelligent sometimes, and had a funny dry laugh that I often do in real life too). Those characters and several other from the same two creators also were in a big cartoon-show with racing around the planet.
I wonder if that guy on the flightsim forum ever did finish that Sea Duck for MSFS, that could be cool.
Frank
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my thoughts exactly on the sea duck jaja. I was watching talespin on youtube.com and was thinking it would be a nice plane to fly. although I would like more the vertical takeoff tomcat the swat kats had... wouldn't it be a hoot?... anyways, I didn't like the racing cartoon that much (it didn't have planes on it...) although patan's (that's the dog's name in spanish) laughter always brought me a laugh too. I loved the mornings when I woke up to the sound of cartoon network and watched that cartoon before going to school, and patan hovering out of his tail jaja.
ohh the memories... good times indeed
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DYSLEXICS OF THE WORLD . . . UNTIE !!!
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A couple had been married many years. One afternoon they were working in the garden together.
As the wife was bending over pulling weeds the husband said, "Hey honey, you are getting fat. Your butt is getting huge. I bet it's as big as the gas grill now."
The husband feeling he needed to prove his point, got a yardstick, measured the grill and then measured his wife's butt.
"Yep," he said, "Just what I thought, just about the same size."
The wife got very incensed and decided to let him do the gardening alone. She went inside and didn't speak to her husband the rest of the day.
That evening when they went to bed, the husband cuddled up to his wife and said, "How about it, hon? How about a little lovemaking?"
The wife rolled over and turned her back to him, giving him the cold shoulder. "What's the matter?" he asked.
To which she replied, "You don't think I'm going to fire up this big gas grill for one little weenie, do you?"
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Why do I get the feeling that this was what transpired prior to the chicken-shooting incident I posted last week? ;)
TM
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A Chinese couple gets married - and she's a virgin. Truth be told, he is not
too experienced either. On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the
sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to
be reassuring.
"My darring" he says, "I know dis you first time and you berry
frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyding you want, I do anyding - juss
anyding you want..
Whatchou want?" he says, trying to sound experienced,
which he hopes will impress his virgin bride.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.
She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I want to try somethin I have heard about .
Numbaa 69".
More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled
tone he queries...
"You want... Chicken wiff broccori?"
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Subject: GARDENING ITALIAN STYLE
Italian Garden
An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his
tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His
only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man
wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to
plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be
digging up a garden plot. If you were here, I know you would dig
the plot for me.
Love, Dad
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Dad,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.
Love, Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and
dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized
to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another
letter from his son.
Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now.
That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love, Vinnie
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Ahahaha, that was actually quite funny once the dime dropped! |:)\
Frank
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>
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife turning back
and forth, looking at herself in the mirror.
Since her birthday was not far off, he askedwhat she'd like to have for her Birthday.
"I'd like to be six again", she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of
Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day !
He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the
Screaming Monster Roller Coaster... everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her
head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with
extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's.
What a fabulous adventure !
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked,
"Well Dear, what was it like being six again ??"
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
"I meant my Dress Size, you dumb ass !!"
The moral of the story:
Even when a man is listening, he is going to get it wrong!
;)
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AAHAAAHAAAHA---Firegirl, that was great ;D
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Thanks Jim!
Here is another one along those lines.....
The Smarter Sex
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them is hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
The man replied, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!"
The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle, and extends it back to the woman.
Politely, the woman refuses to accept the bottle.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."
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Q: What do electric model trains and breasts have in common?
A: They're intended for children, but it's the men who usually end up playing with them.
;)
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You know Firegirl, except for the last one, I think the moral of your stories is, "women are evil!"
:p
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HAHAHA! Firegirl! these were gorgeous! Keep posting! |:)\
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You know Firegirl, except for the last one, I think the moral of your stories is, "women are evil!"
What's the moral of this one ?? ;) ;D
Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A blond lady walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to
find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, but we don't have a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse,
loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down, then she took a tape measure from
her pocket, took a measurement & announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and
walked away.
Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blond? We ask
for the height, and she gives us the length."
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What's the moral of this one ?? ;) ;D
Don't give a blond a wrench or she'll dismantle the flagpole you just spent all day putting up.
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Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new
Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a
deep breath of the beautiful day outside.
He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of
his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.
The conversation went like this:
"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"
"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. ;
Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so
kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied
with a smirk, "Well now father, it was always my impression that you people
took care of last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.
Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, tis certainly true, but we are
also obliged to notify the next of kin."
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A few days before his proctological exam, a one eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye. He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it.
Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed instructions, undressed, and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's arse was that eye staring right back at him!
"You know, " said the doctor, "you really have to learn to trust me."
;D
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"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil. For I
am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing." - At the entrance to the old SR-71
operating base Kadena, Japan
-------------------------------------------------------
"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3." - Paul F.
Crickmore (test pilot)
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"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."
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"Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than
submarines in the sky." - From an old carrier sailor
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"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a
helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."
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"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough
power left to get you to the scene of the crash."
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"Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying
club."
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"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a
pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, .... The pilot dies."
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"Never trade luck for skill."
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The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation
are:
"Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" And "Oh S...!"
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"Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers."
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"Progress in airline flying: now a flight attendant can get a pilot
pregnant."
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"Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully
complete the flight."
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"A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a
row is prevarication."
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"I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous."
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"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"
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"Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the
purpose of storing dead batteries."
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"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a
person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."
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"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely
kill you."
- Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
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"A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to
its maximum."
- Jon McBride, astronaut
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"If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the
crash as possible."
- Bob Hoover (renowned aerobatic and test pilot)
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"Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you."
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"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime."
- Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
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"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."
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Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go
near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the
appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space.
It is much more difficult to fly there."
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"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full
power to taxi to the terminal."
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As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn
off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the
rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks "What happened?".
The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!" - Attributed
to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot
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As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn
off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the
rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks "What happened?".
The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!" - Attributed
to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)
OH MY GOD, JIM !!!!! :o :o :o
That's the best one EVER!! HA HA HA :D :D |:)\
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"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely
kill you."
- Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
Tundra has a saying about Super Cub pilots. A lot of them in his area are hunters that have a plane, and only use them a month or so out of the year. Most of them like to fly LOW (As in had them pass BELOW him when he had his ultralight when he was in the pattern!). He likes to say that Super Cub pilots only fly as high as they think they can fall from ;D
And forget some infamous quotes from HM "Howling Mad" Murdock of A-team fame:
BA: "He crashed the plane didn't he?"
Murdock: "I did not crash this plane! I simply landed it without the customary accompaniment of forward thrust or lift."
Murdock: "This wasn't a crash. Wait for the next one. That will be a crash!"
Murdock: "When the going gets tough, the tough get aeronautical"
Murdock: "Thank you for flying miracle airlines. Where lady luck is your co-pilot"
Murdock: "I got no fear, I'll go up in anything, except an elevator"
Murdock: "God, your sky is so big; my plane is so crummy; please don't let me eat it."
and my personal favorites:
"I'm not nuts, I'm condiments. I've been promoted!"
"Who put the stop payment on my Reality check?"
(apologies if any have been up before, I haven't read all the thread yet!)
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As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn
off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the
rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks "What happened?".
The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!" - Attributed
to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)
OH MY GOD, JIM !!!!! :o :o :o
That's the best one EVER!! HA HA HA :D :D |:)\
Definately an awesome comment! I never heard that one before |:)\
CJ5: Great ones, I haven't heard them before, thanks for posting |:)\
Frank
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I found these tonight.....
You know when you're a Freight Dog when
1) On the tarmac, the ground personnel rolls the red carpet AWAY from your plane ;
2) The plane you are flying was getting old when you were born ;
3) You haven't done a daylight landing for 6 months ;
4) The ATC tells you there is smoother air at another FL and you don't care ;
5) You call for transportation to the hotel and they can't find you on the airport ;
6) Your uniform has not been ironed for two weeks and nobody cares ;
7) You fly through a terrible storm and you can hear the thunder (instead of the passengers);
8) You have to get your own coffee ;
9) Nobody is afraid when you use the toilet ;
10) Upon approaching, you call ATC and decline your company's name and ATC replies "Who?" ;
Not 100% aviation but funny anyway
MECHANIC'S TOOL GUIDE, part 1
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets.
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or
1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your drink across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouc...."
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front fender.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a motorcycle upward off a hydraulic jack.
As a C-5 Galaxy landed and cleared the active, it taxied by a Boeing 747 holding short of the runway. The C-5 aircraft commander, knowing how much larger his giant military behemoth was than the civilian aircraft, keyed the mic and asked the 747 captain, "Hey little buddy, what's your gross?" Not to be out done the 747 captain keyed his mic and replied "A little over two hundred thousand dollars a year, how about you?"
MECHANIC'S TOOL GUIDE, part 2
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic
floor jack.
SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for
spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and
is ten times harder than any known drill bit.
TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.
TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile
strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to
disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that
inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without
the handle.
BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid
from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that
your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop
light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is
not otherwise found under motorcycles at night. Health benefits aside,
its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate
that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours
of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is
somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as
the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning
power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that
travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty
bolts last tightened 60 years ago by someone in Springfield, and rounds
them off.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket
you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.
Brian
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HIGH VELOCITY SPRING: Any small spring that when carefully removed proceeds to ricoche around the shop at extream velocity eventually landing god only knows where. Typically available only by special order from South America.
Phil
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BTF/PTM: Beat to Fit/Paint to Match
RTFM: Read the flippin Manual!
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Ole was walking home late at night and sees a woman standing in the
shadows.
"Twenty dollars", she whispers.
He'd never been with a hooker before, but he decides, what the hell, it's
only twenty bucks. So they hide in the bushes.
They're going "at it" for a few minutes wh en, all of a sudden, a light
flashes on them. It's a police officer.
"What's going on here, folks?" asks the officer.
"I'm making love to my wife ," Ole answers indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."
"Well," Ole says, "neither did I, until you shined that light in her
face!!!"
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;)
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;)
He stole my sigggy! LOL ;D
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Found some more Vermont Jokes ;D
You know you're from northern Vermont when:
You've taken your kids trick-or-treating during a blizzard.
You only own three spices- salt, pepper and ketchup.
You design your Halloween costumes to fit over a snowsuit.
The mosquitoes have landing lights.
You have more miles on your snowblower than your car.
You have 10 favorite recipes for venison.
The local Hardware store on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas.
You live in a house that has no front steps, yet the door is one yard above the ground.
Driving is better in the winter because the potholes get filled with snow.
Making it home during Mud Season is a competitive sport.
You think everyone from the city has an accent.
You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons.
You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.
The local paper covers national and international headlines on l/4 page, but requires 6 pages for sports.
At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.
The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.
Your snow-blower gets stuck on the roof.
You think the start of deer hunting season is a national holiday.
You head south to go to your cottage.
You frequently clean grease off your barbecue so the bears won't prowl on your deck.
You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
The town officials greet you on the street by your first name.
There is only one shopping plaza in town.
The major parish fundraiser isn't bingo- its sausage making.
You find -20F a little chilly.
The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freezer.
You attended a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewelry and your snowmobile boots.
You can play road hockey on skates.
Shoveling the driveway constitutes a great upper body workout.
You know the 4 seasons: Winter, Still Winter, Almost Winter, and Construction.
The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.
Your idea of a traffic jam is 10 cars waiting to pass a logging truck
Vacation means going to Burlington.
You measure distance in hours.
You know several people who have hit moose more than once.
You use a down comforter in the summer.
You see people wearing hunting clothes at social events.
You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
You think of the major food groups as deer meat, beer, fish, and berries.
You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them.
it takes you 3 hours to go to the store for one item even when you're in a rush because you have to stop and talk to everyone in town.
Not Vermont but dang funny
Dear Sir:
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put "Poor Planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which when weighed later were found to weigh 240 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.
Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240 lbs of bricks. You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 135 lbs.
Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3, accident reporting form.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground-and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs.
I refer you again to my weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.
Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.
I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope.
Brian
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Before I was a Ramp Rat (ahem.... Line Service Technician) I was an EMT for 12 years so theses sayings are soooooo true
The 10 (+) Rules of EMS
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1. Skin signs tell all.
2. Sick people don't bitch.
3. Air goes in and out, blood goes round and round, any variation on this is a bad thing.
4. Newbies have there own way of doing things.
5. The more equipment you see on a EMTs belt, the newer they are.(when I started I had a holster with scissors, gloves,forceps and a flashlight. At the end of my career I maybe had a couple of pairs of rubber gloves in my pocket)
6. There is no rule 6.
7. When dealing with patients, supervisors, or citizens, if it felt good saying it, it was the wrong thing to say.
8. All bleeding stops....eventually.
9. All people will eventually die, no matter what you do.
10. If the child is quiet, be scared.
(And A few more)
11. Always follow the rules, but be wise enough to forget them sometimes. (So True)
12. If the patient vomits in the rig try to hold their head to the side of the rig with the disposable equipment, not the stuff you have to clean.
13. If someone dies by chemical hazards, electrical shocks or other on-scene dangers it should be the patient, not you.
14. Any EMT, FF, LEO and/or scene chief who is more drunk (or more stupid) than the patient is the real problem. (had a few like that over the years)
15. There will be problems.
16. You can't cure stupid.
17. If it's wet and sticky and not yours, LEAVE IT ALONE!
18. If at all possible, avoid any edible item that firefighters prepare, especially the tuna casserole. (That's why I did all the cooking on my shift)
19. Heaven protects Fools and Drunks.
20. EMS is extended periods of intense boredom, interrupted by occasional moments of sheer terror.
21. Every Emergency has three phases PANIC, FEAR, AND REMORSE.
22. You are bound to get a call either during dinner, while you are on the can, or at 02:00 in the middle of a great dream.
23. Rocket scientists that get into stupid car crashes are the first ones to complain how bumpy the ambulance ride is.
24. The severity of the injury(s) is directly proportional to the difficulty in accessing, as well as the weight, of the patient.
25. Turret mounted machine guns usually work better than lights and sirens. (wish I had those on my rig)
26. Make sure the rookie EMT knows that a med patch is a radio term, and not a medicated bandage.
27. Paramedics save lives; But it's EMT skills that save Paramedics.
28. When a patient vomits outside, be sure to aim it at the citizens who wouldn't back up.
29. Never trust your rig, drug box, or airway bag to be
fully stocked. In spite of the assurances of the offgoing crew.
30. If you don't have it, don't give up, Adapt, Improvise, Overcome, (then call for a second unit).
31. There is no such thing as a "textbook case"
32. Newbies always look for large things in the smallest compartments and vice versa.
33. There is no such thing as a bad call. Only calls that didn't go the way you planned.
36. If there are no drunks at an MVA after midnight, keep looking, some one is missing.
37. Just cause your paranoid does not mean the Supervisor isn't around the corner.
38. Remember what MICN stands for, "May I interrupt your Call Now?".
39. Just because someones license date is before yours does not mean they know what they are doing.
And a couple from Me...
Cops make great IV Poles (here officer, hold this)
A kid will always puke on you when you aren't looking
there's nothing worse than a Belligerent Head injured patient... unless it's a DRUNK belligerent head injured patient
Sport Bikes (Ninjas and the like) are called Zing Splats.. Cause the go ZINNNNNNGGGGGGGGGG SPLAT!!!!!
Brian
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HAAAHAA ROFL!!!!
Great stuff Brian!!! |:)\
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http://www.bluedonut.com/100jokes.htm
Top 100 Jokes of all times. Not my top 100, but worth the read!
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Sounds like Vermont and Alaska have a few things in common. LOL
Here's a couple of mine:
You might be an Alaskan Redneck Pilot:
If you have at least one wrecked cub in the yard that SOMEDAY you'll rebuild into the ultimate bush plane...
If you own a totally tricked out cub with all the Alaskan mods, but live in a run down cabin without running water...
If you're plane has had temporary duct tape patches for more than 2 years...
If your annual inspection happens every 5 years...
If you've ever had to debate whether to buy beer...or avgas...
If you've ever left fuel on the ground to carry more beer!
Phil
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Alot of native Vermonters move to Alaska because it's like Vermont was 30 years ago before all the Enviorment conscious Flatlanders moved in (the term flatlander is usually reserved for anyone from Massachusetts, Connecticut or NYC who moved to Vermont to "get away" from city life then decided that VT needed more stuff like the cities had)
Two guys that were in my High School Class live in Alaska now.... Both work for the state. Kyle works for Fish and Game in Juneau and Bruce is in Anchorage working for the States Atty office. I looked into going up there myself last year when I was out of work but didn't have the resources for the move at that time.
Brian
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What's your line of work again Brian? There are a few occupations here (such as teaching) that will give money for moving expenses.
There's always this year or next... ;)
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Well Unless I can find someone who will pay me $12.50 or more an hour (what I make now plus Bennies) and pay for my moving expenses (2 people, plus 10 dogs) I guess I'm stuck in the lower 48 for a while ;)
I'm working now as a Ramp Rat (IE Line services Technician) for a Part 135 Charter and Aircraft maintenance company (the biggest of either in Vermont and one of the bigest in New England). And the way My boss keeps dropping hints that he may be leaving, I may end up Line service supervisor before long here. So I don't think I'd want to move up north just yet.
We just hired a New King Air FO who was flying for L.A.B. air services in Juneau and we have a New A&P starting Monday who's moving here from somewhere in AK. My company has grown so much in the last year it's scary. we went from a hangar with 20,000 square feet total (including offices, parts room and the avionics lab) to one that has 30,000 square feet in just the hangar. Hired 6 more mechanics, 2 Avionics Techs , 2 additional line guys, 2 new charter sales people, and 8 pilots. Not to mention the purchase of our third King Air C-90 Bringing the aircraft fleet to 6 (3 King Air C-90's, a Citation Excel, a Citation Encore and a Canadair Challenger 601) Most of our pilots fly two of the types in the fleet for more flexibility. Only one captain flies the encore exclusively and one new hire Captain is only checked out in the C-90. Most everyone else flies the King airs and one of the jets except for 2 that fly the challenger and excel only. Heck, we even have a cool callsign.... Snowshoe
Here's a shot of our old building:
(http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y215/Brian_Gladden/IM001874.jpg)
And the new one:
(http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y215/Brian_Gladden/IM001865.jpg)
Brian
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AVweb's weekly Short Final is a great source of aviation humor. Here are some of my favorites. I think Mike, Stef, and the forum members will particularly appreciate the first one:
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Heard at Republic Airport, Long Island:
Ground controller to a cargo Beech-18 taxiing in: "What are you hauling today?"
Twin Beech: "Ten thousand baby chicks ... we had a heck of a job getting them to put their seat belts on."
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(Two company DH8's on final into Saskatoon, Saskatchewan.)
Controller: CO1234, your traffic is company DH8, at your 11 o'clock, 3,000.
CO1234: Roger Saskatoon, have company DH8 in sight, too close for missiles, going to guns.
Controller: Roger ... please avoid hitting tower.
-------
Overheard following a Lear's very steep climb out of Teterboro:
Controller: "Lear 12345, after retrieving your passengers from the tail section, contact departure..."
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Overheard on Tallahassee Approach during some very turbulent weather conditions:
TLH Approach: Cessna 12345, state intentions.
Pilot: Cessna 12345 intends to land without hurling ... somehow.
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More from our "Well, you ASKED!" file:
Pilot: Tower, Cessna 1234, what's the wind doing?
Tower: Blowing. (Laughter in background.)
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Reportedly true ATIS:
Big Airport International information Delta. 2100 zulu ... [weather, approach information, NOTAMs, etc.] ... Arriving aircraft contact approach at 120.3 ... [silence] ... You stupid machine, why do you always do this to me?
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Overheard while flying east from Dayton...
Approach: Cirrus 123, what’s your speed?
Cirrus 123: Now showing 200 kts over the ground on the GPS.
Unknown pilot on frequency: That’s one fast-moving cloud!
-----
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Moses: Ok God, let me get this straight...The arabs get all the oil, and we have to cut off our what?!
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Moses: Ok God, let me get this straight...The arabs get all the oil, and we have to cut off our what?!
That's a good one, although the more I thought about it the more I started wondering exactly at what point the Muslim religion established itself, I thought it was after that point that they split off or whatever they did.
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HMM? If you are curious about that, here's a link that might help.
http://www.explorefaith.org/neighbors/index.html
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Moses: Ok God, let me get this straight...The arabs get all the oil, and we have to cut off our what?!
That's a good one, although the more I thought about it the more I started wondering exactly at what point the Muslim religion established itself, I thought it was after that point that they split off or whatever they did.
If I recall correctly, Mohamed started preaching about 622 AD. So quite a long time after Moses. Islam is really the new comer on the block of major religions, maybe in another 600 years it'll be as 'civilized' and moderate at christianity.
Phil
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My 2 cents: It's not the religion that makes people agressive, it's the people themselves. Thankfully many that call themselves muslims are not believers of the holy war nor are they terrorists. Of course in the current state of the world then that does indeed make it harder to identify friend from foe, but I still find it positive that far from all muslims want to kill all infidels (they simply do not have jihaad as part of their definition of islam, and many say it's actually a religion of peace). Furthermore, many different versions exist of all religions but they call it the same, also cristianity, some are extremely literal in their reading of their beliefs and imho act half-way nuts about, others are more down to earth and understand a joke from an insult etc.
There's more than enough misunderstanding in the world due to differences in comunication and too many people/groups try to put people into too narrowly defined groups. I for one reguse to be called a dane if people use it to guess my culture, interests, political stance etc. or blame me for those stupid drawings like some people did, one young american made a video singing that Denmark and danes all are bastards etc. and uploaded it on google video. That's kind of narrowminded isn't it?
Sorry for the very serious note but I thought it was important.
On a lighter side:
Adam was walking around in Eden but he was bored so he asked God for a companion. God said he could create a woman, who is a wonderful sweet being. Adam thought it was great and asked what it would cost. God replied: An arm and a leg. Adam replied: What can I get for a rib?
Now if you believe in the god this is linked to and can laugh at it then you can differentiate between a joke with no evil intention and a real insult.
And some more (I think this one is so funny :D ):
Santa Claus, upon trudging out to his sleigh for his annual night freight trip around the world, was surprised to find a guy with a shotgun standing next to his rig. Santa asked him why he was there. The man replied, "I'm from the FAA, and this is an unscheduled 135 inspection. I'll ride right seat." Santa responded, "With all due respects, sir, I've been doing this flight for over 700 years -- but if you insist, well, let's go." As they both climbed into the sleigh, Santa noticed that the FAA inspector brought his shotgun along with him, placing it in his lap, with his finger on the trigger. Santa queried, "What's the shotgun for?" To which the FAA inspector grumbled, "You're going to lose two on takeoff..."
Q. Why did Santa Claus ask Rudolf to lead his sleigh team?
A. Rudolf was the only one who was IFR current.
And from the Northeast U.S.:
"Mornin’ center, ABC123 Heavy checking in at 12,000 and 250kts assigned."
"Roger ABC123 Heavy, cross DRESR at 9,000 reduce speed to 210kts."
"Cross DRESR at 9,000 slow to 210, ABC123 Heavy."
From unknown crew...
"Yeah, we have one of those [Cross Dresser] at our company too."
And from India, where they use this as a classic example of 'standard phraseology':
U.S. Fighter pilot to tower: "This is chrome-plated stove pipe, triple nickel eight ball, angels eight, five in the slot, boots on and laced, I wanna bounce and blow.
Tower: "Roger you got the nod to hit the sod.
And from Sydney, Australia:
"Hold your push back QANTAS, you've got a Virgin with a tight slot behind you."
And one from Daytona, Florida:
"Tower, this is N123ER, how do you read?" "Usually at night, in bed with my light on."
"Approach, how far from the airport are we in minutes?" "N923, the faster you go, the quicker you'll get here."
"American Two-Twenty, Eneey, meeny, miney, moe, how do you hear my radio?"
In the space age, man will be able to go around the world in two hours -- one hour for flying and one hour to get to the airport.
Ok and for those movie-fans out there, how said this(this is Frank asking, not part of the quoted joke)?
Flying an aeroplane with only a single propeller to keep you in the air. Can you imagine that?
Frank
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In the space age, man will be able to go around the world in two hours -- one hour for flying and one hour to get to the airport.
Don't you mean 6 hours?
1 hour to get to the airport
2 hours standing in lines at the airport
1 hour waiting for late plane
1 hour flying
1 hour waiting for luggage and finding your car.
Oh wait, I just described flying from Anchorage to Fairbanks on Alaskan airlines. And it only takes 7 hours to drive if construction isn't too bad. :(
But my favorite 4 hour option:
1 hour - flight plan, briefing, fueling and pre-flight tundra toy.
2.5 hours - actual flight time.
0.5 hours - Tiedown, pay transient fees, wait for Bob.
Phil
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I flew commercially from Vegas to Reno today and it literally took me 90min ( :o ) to get through
security. I almost missed my plane!!
90min !!!!
Oh, did I mention my flight left at 0710 and I was at the airport just before 0530 !!!
Many people who left themselves 1 hour, like they say it takes for domestic flights, missed their planes...
And this at five in the morning. It's gonna take me days to get over that !!!
When I fly between Vegas and LA it takes me the exact same time to fly as it takes me to drive.
5hrs...
It's only an hour flight but just like you said, by the time you're at the airport and through security....
The only difference is, if I go the airline route, I can drink! ;)
But either way it takes the same time and I am the same level of "aggrivated"..... :(
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Got this one from my high school Science teacher.
The 3 most traditionally underpaid groups of women decided to open a whore house to supplement their meager day jobs.
The secretaries got the first floor because everyone knows they're the best looking.
The telephone operators got the second floor because they have such sexy voices.
And the teachers got the top floor.
After a few weeks of business the Secretaries and Telephone operators noticed that all the men were going straight to the top floor. Puzzled by this, they stopped on of the patrons and asked him why?
"Well, at first I went to the secretaries, but just as I was getting warmed up she said: 'I'm sorry, it's time for my coffee break'. So next I went to the operators and just as things were really getting hot she said: 'I'm sorry, you time is up'. So finally I went to the teachers who after I was finished told me: 'Now I want you to keep doing it over and over again till you get it perfect!'
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I flew commercially from Vegas to Reno today and it literally took me 90min ( :o ) to get through
security. I almost missed my plane!!
You know, if you had a 172 or something, it'd be quicker than either option. ;)
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Reno is currently the ONLY place besides Alaska I would consider living. A lively jeep group and the National Championship Airraces. Also, people thinking 50 degrees ABOVE is cold would keep me laughing for YEARS to come!
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Reno is currently the ONLY place besides Alaska I would consider living. A lively jeep group and the National Championship Airraces. Also, people thinking 50 degrees ABOVE is cold would keep me laughing for YEARS to come!
Yeah, I remember the weird looks we got from the people in down parkas looking at us in our shorts and t-shirts waiting for the gate to open in the morning! Parkas! it was 60 above out!
Phil
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Procrastinators of the world unite ! ! !
. . . tomorrow.[/b]
;D
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I thought I made a mistake once.... but I was wrong.
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If you try to fail and you succeed.....which have you done?
-
If you try to fail and you succeed.....which have you done?
Ohh... trying for a Royal Fizzbin, eh?
Only if it's black on Tuesday ;D |:)\
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If you try to fail and you succeed.....which have you done?
Ohh... trying for a Royal Fizzbin, eh?
Only if it's black on Tuesday ;D |:)\
Everything I say is a lie. Now pay close attention: I am lying.
Now if everything I say is a lie and I tell you I'm lying, then I'm telling the truth, but I cannot tell the truth because everything I say is a lie............
-
we need an exploding robot head smiley.
-
True that Gulf....
Wow Turbo. . . that was waaaaay to deep for the average pilot. :o ;D
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Wow Turbo. . . that was waaaaay to deep for the average pilot. :o ;D
Just another bit from a different Star Trek episode than Ted quoted (same season, though) ;)
TM
-
Everything I say is a lie. Now pay close attention: I am lying.
Now if everything I say is a lie and I tell you I'm lying, then I'm telling the truth, but I cannot tell the truth because everything I say is a lie............
WHAT ARE YOU SMOKING???
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Everything I say is a lie. Now pay close attention: I am lying.
Now if everything I say is a lie and I tell you I'm lying, then I'm telling the truth, but I cannot tell the truth because everything I say is a lie............
WHAT ARE YOU SMOKING???
Nothing. This is simply what trying to write 397 captions (after researching who what why where for each picture) and trying to figure out where to put them in a book manuscript does to you...
TM
-
...whoa...if ever given the option....... I'd rather smoke something HA HA :D
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Mike, I got a bunch of 'dope' that needs doing here. Several square yards in fact.
Come on over. ;) ;D
-
It's get's you "high" more then once....once when you apply it and then when you fly it! That's a cheap "Buzz"! |:)\
-
Actually...I'm pretty certain most illegle drugs are cheaper than aviation ;)
-
Actually...I'm pretty certain most illegle drugs are cheaper than aviation ;)
And less addictive too, I've been "high" on airplanes for 47 years and don't want to think about how much I have spent on the habit! :D :-\
-
AND the both can kill ya if you don't pay attention !!
AND you never wanna tell your mama you're doing either !!! ;)
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AND the both can kill ya if you don't pay attention !!
AND you never wanna tell your mama you're doing either !!! ;)
Absolutely don't tell mama----my mom was proud of me because she thought I played piano in a cathouse---she'd been dissapointed to know that I flew airplanes for money! :'(
-
AND you never wanna tell your mama you're doing either !!! ;)
Haha!
Didn't really apply in my case though, come from a family of pilots.
Be hard to explain parental flight benefits without telling her too.
"Hey Mom, you get some new flight benefits with this airline you've never heard of!"
"Really? How's that?"
"It's becasue.... uh... because I'm really good on the piano!"
You could also add in your favorite false shocker (something she'd hear wrong that you then explain away) to change the subject so she forgets about it. ;)
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AND the both can kill ya if you don't pay attention !!
AND you never wanna tell your mama you're doing either !!! ;)
Absolutely don't tell mama----my mom was proud of me because she thought I played piano in a cathouse---she'd been dissapointed to know that I flew airplanes for money! :'(
ROFL that was a great one! Ah, cathouse, good old words, much nicer sounding than PC'ness in my opinion, and it makes "senior citizens" be hip again! |:)\ (Note: It was a joke on the word Senior Citizen sounding so distant to aging, not calling anyone here old/ancient etc. especially not Jim).
And here's one I just heard on comedy radio, Garrison Kellar and Co. The Art of the Rimshot, I've never heard this one before and I don't condone this in real life but as a joke only then it's great!
"A cop was monitoring a parkinglot and a man stumbles over and tries 30 cars before finally opening the door of his own and falls asleep at the wheel. The other cars get in an drive away and finally the man wakes up and starts driving and the cop pulls him over. They take a alchohol test and it reads 0.0% blood alchohol level. The cop asks "how can this be?" and the man answers "tonight's my time to be the decoy"".
Frank
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And here's one I just heard on comedy radio, Garrison Kellar and Co. The Art of the Rimshot, I've never heard this one before and I don't condone this in real life but as a joke only then it's great!
"A cop was monitoring a parkinglot and a man stumbles over and tries 30 cars before finally opening the door of his own and falls asleep at the wheel. The other cars get in an drive away and finally the man wakes up and starts driving and the cop pulls him over. They take a alchohol test and it reads 0.0% blood alchohol level. The cop asks "how can this be?" and the man answers "tonight's my time to be the decoy"".
Frank
I heard a similiar one, but the guy was stumbling around and having trouble getting into his car and events such as that while everyone drove off... in the US they can give you a DUI for being in the car, the engine doesn't have to be running, hence the different version...
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The Boy and the Frog
A boy was walking past a pond when a little frog called out "little boy! I'm really a beautiful princess who's been cursed, if you kiss me I'll turn back into my true form!" The boy stopped, picked up the frog, smiled and continued down the road.
A bit later the frog called out again "Little boy, if you kiss me and turn me back into my true form I'll do any favor you ask of me!" The boy smilled again, and continued walking.
Now the frog was really getting desperate "Little boy, Please kiss me and turn me back to my true self. I'm really a very beautiful princess, I'll do anything you ask and be your girlfriend as long as you want!" The boy smiled and said "I'm an engineer, I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is really cool!"
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"A positive attitude will not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort."
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Speed Trap
A state trooper spied a car puttering along at 22 MPH. So he turned on his lights and pulled the driver over. Approaching the car, he noticed that five elderly nuns were inside, and they looked wide-eyed and terribly pale.
The driver pleaded with him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Sister," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous."
"I beg to differ, Officer, I was doing the speed limit exactly: twenty-two miles an hour!" the old nun said.
The trooper, chuckling, explained to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the elderly nun grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Sister, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These other sisters with you seem awfully shaken."
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute," the old nun said. "We just got off Route 119."
;D
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Some friends of mine:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vgz3uF7PxhI
Don't mess with mallards...
TM
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That's a good one!
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LOL totally tubular dude! :D
Frank
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Awesome. That reminds me of the best Superbowl commercial ever. It was a Nissan commercial with pidgeons chasing a freshly washed car with Kenny Loggins' "Danger Zone" in the background.
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GOOD ONE DUCK---believe I'll take the plug out of my 12 guage so I can have some rifled slugs in back for return fire---think the game warden would buy that excuse ?
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If the game warden minds, just give my friends standard grid coordinates, and they'll take care of the problem!
TM
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This from Plthjnx,
His words " Grounded untill further notice "
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speaking of Plthjnx....
....here is another one that reminded me of him:
MEN DO REMEMBER ANNIVERSARIES
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their
bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in
front of him.
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why
are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up from is coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we
were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and
sensitive. "Yes I do," she replies.
The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when
your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"
"Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my
face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail
for 20 years?'"
"I remember that too" she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said ......"I would have gotten out
today."
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It's kind of quiet in here without "Happylanding" . . . :-\
I miss her . . . :'( :'(
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Yeah, although we've really gone thrue a lot of jokes here! |:)\
I can take a look in my Aviation folder for my threads with saved aviation jokes and try to find some good ones that haven't been posted yet.
Frank
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It's kind of quiet in here without "Happylanding" . . . :-\
I miss her . . . :'( :'(
:'(
Anyone heard anything from her?
Last I heard it sounded like she was done in Britain...
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Yeah, she is missed, isn't she!?!
Maybe I can help out:
A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed
appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However,
the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.
Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him
about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so
he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.
Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive
tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily. Written in large black
letters was the sentence.
"Get well quick..... from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week."
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Sigh, both about Happy and my best friend Chey that've been visiting socal for a week so I've missed chatting with her, I can just say that this is one of the truest sayings in the world: Women, can't live with them, can't live without them (for me the part however is only because I can't get permanent residency in USA, otherwise I'd be moving now and this is not a joke btw).
Firegirl, that's the first time I can remember hearing that joke, what a great one on so many levels.
Frank
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I think I just saw happy logged in here earlier, but until she starts posting again I'll take the chance and post a joke from an old danish Garfield magazine.
Garfield: Us cats can take a nap anytime. All should be this lucky. With aircraft pilots as a possible exception.
Frank
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I think I just saw happy logged in here earlier, but until she starts posting again I'll take the chance and post a joke from an old danish Garfield magazine.
Garfield: Us cats can take a nap anytime. All should be this lucky. With aircraft pilots as a possible exception.
Frank
You were right, Frank! I logged off in order to write the mail!
Hello Mates,
I’m sorry I’m not having a lot of time to check in (not time at all, better said!)! Life has been quite frenzy lately. In September, as I had told you, I went to London to study Arabic. I unfortunately chose one the worst school I could have ever chosen and ended a six weeks of courses with a good amount of stress and no useful knowledge of the language, since I start speaking it now, that I’ve changed school.
You cannot say you know a language if you’re unable to speak at least about everyday life, even if you have a good vocabulary in other things and I was speaking like a toddler….and a stranger one, if ever I could find a way to say something I was not taught about (that means everything apart from all the things related to school life and some words that cannot be useful if you cannot talk as United Nations and minister of the interior)!! I really got p****d off by that school and sure as hell it will not have any good advertisement from my side! It was like teaching a language “turning around it”, if you see what I mean, that’s surely not an academically and least professional way to work, with two arabs who surely never taught in their life, but since the language is quite requested, they found a way to gain money. They pointed a lot on the grammar side of everything, and I see now that the 4/5 of what I did was completely not useful, since you can very well speak the language in a perfect way without knowing all the subtleties they stressed upon, since nobody – apart from the purist of the language – use them. Nicely tailored course, since I had asked and paid for a 1-2-1 to enable me to speak, to converse, to understand! It would have been like teaching Italian in order to understand the Divine Comedy, or to teach English in order to understand Shakespeare’s sonnets, before being able to say good morning. At the end I went back to Switzerland for less then a week to change the wardrobe, for a quick flight, and came back to England for another course in another – and incredibly serious and professional – school. Unfortunately, the time I’ve to write into the forum is lately quite scarce, since I’m trying to cover the knowledge I should have had after the end of the other school and the extra of this one. In the meantime, probably due to the stress I “cultivated” shingles, that’s taking me to the edge of reason and patience and to my nerves, that means I’m not completely in good shape, and quite hysterical, but well….that’s life! At least until Xmas, I won’t be back home, and it could be that in January I will be coming back again to the UK for the same reason! So, time actually got a fast pace and the last time I entered the forum I could see that I had something new to read in every thread of the forum that made me feel how much I’ve lost! I will need some time to recover everything, but I will try (I can’t promise, though!) to post a message every now and then! I always think about you and I miss you all a big deal! And in the meantime, I will use this message to say a belated welcome to all the new chicks and chicken inside the coop, I’ve not meet yet! I’ll try to do my best to keep you informed! A big big kiss! :) :) :) ;) ;) ;) :) :) :)
Happylanding!
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Glad to hear from you! Good to know everything's alright... albiet sounding quite stressfull!
Keep us updated when you can!
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Sorry to hear about your troubles :(
Me and my mom have now for years experienced one bad thing after the other despite really trying to plan and research before doing anything important.
My best and sincere wishes for a quick improvement in your situation.
Frank
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YAY!!
Good to hear you're still alive and kicking, Happy!!
Good luck with the school!!
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Dear Happy,
Sorry to hear of your recent trials... how frustrating!! But, you certainly sound like the kind of person who can soldier on cheerfully though 'most anything, so I hope it will go by and you will find yourself in an easier situation. Stress gets old, so be sure to stop and put your feet up and take care of yourself!! ;) ;)
Hugs, the Soccer Mom*** :)
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thanks Mates for the kind messages! :)
I just realized that my last message was a really complaining one, and I'm sorry about it (gosh, plus that I'm under the humour I need humour thread! :) :) :) ). Life isn't so bad, even if I painted it quite badly.... I was just really angry because of what happened with the previous school! this courses are costing me all my savings, and I hate to think I've thrown a good amount out of the window since they are not for free and UK is incredibly expensive. and it is for that reason that I'm "overworking" now, so to "save" and try to reach the highest possible level of knowledge. And well, now I'm in a school where they really know their job. And apart from shingles, that's a really annoying thing, that often does not let me sleep, the rest is just stressing, but I usually stand the pressure, even if - SoccerMom, it's true! - it escavates some more wrinkles on the face!! >:( :( :o ;)
So, here a joke. i hope nobody has posted anything alike lately, since I've not checked the previous pages.....
--------------------------------------------
Frequent Flayer's Ten Golden Rules
-No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and need the delay to make the flight.
-If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest gate within the terminal.
-If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably will be delayed.
-Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world.
-If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence as soon as you touch pen to paper. Or start to drink your coffee.
-If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has the seats on the aisle and the window while you are still in the boarding area. Just look for the two largest passengers.
-Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go to the lavatory.
-The crying baby on board is always seated next to you.
-The best-looking woman/man on your flight is never seated next to you.
-The less carry-on luggage space available on an aircraft, the more carry-on luggage passengers will bring aboard.
--------------
Hugs to you all!
-
Maybe I can help out a little too. I found this on the internet!
Good story!
to all you girls in the forum: can you imagine???? :P ::)
this is probably the funniest date story ever, first date or not!!!
This was on the "Tonight Show" with Jay Leno. Jay went into the
audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever
had. The winner described her worst first date experience. There was
absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!
She said it was midwinter... snowing and quite cold...and the guy had
taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City, Utah. It was a
day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and truly had
never met before.
The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home
late that afternoon.
They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to
realize that she should not have had that extra latte. They were about
an hour way from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere!
Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while.
Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a
point where she told him that he had better stop and let her pee beside
the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.
They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her
pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing,
so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself.
Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and
indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could
think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing
nature of the situation.
Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As
she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks
were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen
to pump handles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage
her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a
brand new problem due to the extreme cold.
Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humour of the moment, she
answered her date's concerns about "what is taking so long" with a reply
that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off and in need of some
assistance!"
He came around the car a s she tried to cover herself with her sweater
and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing.
She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose
themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the
situation was, they also were faced with a real problem.
Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from
the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the
predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was
only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her
first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the
fender.
As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show
prize hands down... or perhaps that should be "pants down." .... .....
And you thought your first date was embarrassing.!!
Jay Leno's comment . "This gives a whole new meaning to being' pissed
off."
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Thats extremely funny, but that had to be the quietest drive back down the mountain.
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Yeah, HA HA!!!
I wonder if they are still together.... If so, I bet they would be a good couple.....
-
while we're at the subject of peeing (I wonder why that keeps coming up....we have a whole thread about it.... ;D )
here is another one:
THE POLITE WAY TO GO PEE
During one of her daily classes a teacher trying
to teach good manners, asked her students the
following question.
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner
with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that
you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael said, "just a minute I have to go pee."
The teacher responded by saying, :that would be
rude and impolite.
What about you Peter, how would you say it?"
Peter, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to
the bathroom. I'll be right back."
"Thats better, but it's still not very nice to say
the word bathroom at the dinner table and you, little
Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us
your good manners?"
"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused
for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear
friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after
dinner."
The teacher fainted.
-
Working in the airiline industry:
1. We work in weird shifts. Like prostitutes
2. They pay you to make the client happy... Like a prostitute
3. The client pays a lot of money, but your employer keeps almost every penny... Like a prostitute
4. You are rewarded for fulfilling the client's dreams... Like a prostitute
5. Your friends fall apart and you end up hanging out with people in the same profession as you... Like a prostitute
6. When you have to meet the client you always have to be perfectly groomed. Like a prostitute
7. But when you go back home it seems like you are coming back from hell... Like a prostitute
8. The client always wants to pay less but expects incredible things from you... Like a prostitute
9. When people ask you about your job, you have difficulties to explain it... Like a prostitute
10. Everyday when you wake up, you say: I'M NOT GOING TO SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE DOING THIS"..... Like a prostitute
REMARKS The only difference is the prostitutes can take Christmas and New Year's Eve off and they actually DO make a lot of Money!!!
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LOLx2! :D |:)\
Frank
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I concur with Baradium---pilots and prostitutes have always had a lot in common--both can have jobs and hobbies that overlap! ;)
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http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/cowswithguns.php
http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/magical+trevor/
http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/kenya/
http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/kenya+live/
http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/badgers/
Enjoy!
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There can really be some funny ones there, if only there were some CW jokes there too (when I get some time I want to check out animation tools because there are several jokes in the two books I'm sure could work animated).
Here's one I just heard from Gary Mule Deer on the internet radio and I wonder if it's really true:
"I found this in the pocket of the seat in front of me on a Southwest Airlines Flight: If you're sitting near an exit and cannot read this sign please tell a crewmember."
I've heard other similar ones:
At a drivethrue there was written: Picture menu available on request. The staff said it was for people who couldn't read and when the comic asked how they would know she said in all seriousness: It's written right there.
Note: In it's mainly just McDonalds that has drivehtrues but they usually have several pictures together with the menu name and price.
Yet another one: At a drivethrue bank there were the instructions for the ATM in braille. And I agree with the comic's question: What blind person drives a car to a drivethrue bank? And might I myself add: Maybe it's for blind people that are passengers in RHD cars? Ok writting that last one I just thought that the blind person might be a passenger in a backseat, but I still think it's a bit weird.
Frank
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A blonde woman was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note. "I have kidnapped your child. I am sorry to do this but I need the money. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park at 7 AM." Signed, "The Blonde".
She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed.
Inside the bag was the following note. "Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another."
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HA HA!!!
Good to have you back, Happy !!!!
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Thanks Frank,
Got a good laugh out of that one---I too have wondered what the hell a blind person would be doing in the drive through at a bank!
As far as McDonalds goes though--they give their stuff such stupid names and descriptions that if I'm forced to eat there (damn seldom) I just look at a picture and order the associated number rather than lower myself by asking for a "McCrap burger" or whatever they call it!
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Did I post this one yet? (I am certainly not gonna go through 44 pages of jokes in this thread to find out....)
One of my favorites:
The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.
He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was
going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his
good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain
and as it was still early, decided go to the party.
Since her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she
would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when
she was not with him.
So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume,
cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he
could and copping a little feel here and a li ttle kiss there.
His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he
left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her.
She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.
After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear
and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate
intercourse in the back seat.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and
put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of
explanation he would make up for his outrageous behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had.
"Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."
Then she asked,"Did you dance much?"
He replied, I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got
there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys,so we went into the
spare room and played poker all evening."
You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker
all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm.
To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to your
brother, apparently he had the time of his life.
-
Hmmm...last time he gave the costume to his father. ;)
-
Thanks Frank,
Got a good laugh out of that one---I too have wondered what the hell a blind person would be doing in the drive through at a bank!
As far as McDonalds goes though--they give their stuff such stupid names and descriptions that if I'm forced to eat there (damn seldom) I just look at a picture and order the associated number rather than lower myself by asking for a "McCrap burger" or whatever they call it!
Hear you there, when I feel I have to eat at McDonalds I order the same way I do at Thai resturants, "I'll have the number 8, with coke please". Both places I feel I'd embarras myself reading the name off the menu, but for totally different reasons. :-[
Phil
-
After a long night of passion, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.
"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.
He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.
"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.
"Oh well...That's me before the operation........"
a wonderful day to you all! :)
-
<shudder>
-
HOHOHO.........
A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says. "I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow*** there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free."
The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. "Where do you think you going?" the wife asks. "I'm coming with you...I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!"
;) ;) ;)
btw packing suitcase...
A husband comes home and says to his wife: "pack your siutcase, I won the lottery!" She replies: "Oh darling, that's great! Where are we going?" - "WE don't go anywhere, YOU go...."
;D ;D ;D
-
After a long night of passion, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.
"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.
He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.
"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.
"Oh well...That's me before the operation........"
a wonderful day to you all! :)
Shudder - going to be hard to have a wonderful day now! I think I need a shower. :p
-
Ok shifting gears, I just saw this at avweb and wanted to share it (both the joke and the site but I'm sure most here know the site).
Overheard while flying practice approaches at Sioux City, Iowa:
Tower: "Skylane Eight Seven Charlie, cleared for the approach; caution, waterfall in the area."
Short silence, presumably while the Skylane pilot questioned passengers on the transmission.
Skylane: "Eight Seven Charlie, say again?"
Tower: "Skylane Eight Seven Charlie, cleared for the approach; caution, waterfall in the area."
Again, short silence.
Skylane: "Ah, cleared for the approach, but what do you mean by the waterfall caution?"
Tower: "Waterfall, you know: Ducks and geese...Waterfoul."
That was a good one, and I for one never heard it before.
Seen just seconds before posting time at the right bottom corner of www.avweb.com
Frank
-
Ok shifting gears, I just saw this at avweb and wanted to share it (both the joke and the site but I'm sure most here know the site).
Overheard while flying practice approaches at Sioux City, Iowa:
Tower: "Skylane Eight Seven Charlie, cleared for the approach; caution, waterfall in the area."
Short silence, presumably while the Skylane pilot questioned passengers on the transmission.
Skylane: "Eight Seven Charlie, say again?"
Tower: "Skylane Eight Seven Charlie, cleared for the approach; caution, waterfall in the area."
Again, short silence.
Skylane: "Ah, cleared for the approach, but what do you mean by the waterfall caution?"
Tower: "Waterfall, you know: Ducks and geese...Waterfoul."
That was a good one, and I for one never heard it before.
Seen just seconds before posting time at the right bottom corner of www.avweb.com
Frank
LOL, Good one! wonder if that's why the ATIS here always says "caution - migratory birds in vicinity" instead of waterfoul? Think someone in the tower heard this joke? ;)
Phil
-
LOL, Good one! wonder if that's why the ATIS here always says "caution - migratory birds in vicinity" instead of waterfoul? Think someone in the tower heard this joke? ;)
Phil
Don't forget the carribou!
-
The simple joke:
Two guys are walking down the street.... I forget the punchline, but you're mom's a whore.
-
Men's answer to Maxine
Men strike back!
Q: How many men does it take to open a beer?
A: None. It should be opened when she brings it
----------------------
Q: Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
A: Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
--------------------
Q: Why do women have smaller feet than men?
A: It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
---------------------
Q: How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
A: When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
----------------------
Q: How do you fix a woman's watch?
A: You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
-----------------------
Q: Why do men fart more than women?
A: Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
------------------------
Q: If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
A: The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------
Q: What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A: A woman who won't do what she's told
--------------------------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
---------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
---------------------------
Q: Why do men die before their wives?
A: They want to.
---------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
-
Alabama Bird dogs (hyuck)!!
-
Make sure you have the volume up for this one, it's kinda hard to hear
http://www.funnyjunk.com/movies/49/Relaxing+Car+Drive/
-
The Royal family, and gas
-
Make sure you have the volume up for this one, it's kinda hard to hear
http://www.funnyjunk.com/movies/49/Relaxing+Car+Drive/
"You're Moms a whore" and now this-------Son, you got toooooooooooo much time on your hands although I had to bust a gut on the first one (for ridiculous reasons) ;D
-
Make sure you have the volume up for this one, it's kinda hard to hear
http://www.funnyjunk.com/movies/49/Relaxing+Car+Drive/
"You're Moms a whore" and now this-------Son, you got toooooooooooo much time on your hands although I had to bust a gut on the first one (for ridiculous reasons) ;D
As long as you got a laugh out of it, that's what counts :D
-
For those who love the philosophy of hypocrisy and ambiguity. :-\
-----------------------------------------
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.....
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Is there another word for synonym?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines? (Somebody please explain THIS ONE to me) (I know there's a logical explanation, but it escapes me)
How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?
Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?
-
Those are classic especially the Braille on the drive thru machines.
-
LOL those are greats, thanks for posting them |:)\
Frank
-
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines? (Somebody please explain THIS ONE to me) (I know there's a logical explanation, but it escapes me)
Here's a thought. Imagine you build ATM machines. You have the ones that people drive up to, and the ones in the walk up areas. It's more expensive to make two different keypad types, so you have to design around one, slightly more complex keypad. And thus you have braille keypads at drive up windows.
Of course, I'm just guessing about this.
So the question becomes, how are they going to make the "touch screen" ATM machines Blind person friendly?
jbs
-
Before they invented the drawing board. . . what did they go back to?
-
If you choke a smurf, which color will it turn?
-
And here's one for you aspiring airline jocks
http://pageperso.aol.fr/marcbrecy/deanmartin.html
-
the movie is veeeeeery funny! thanks for posting Fireflyr! |:)\
And here, a Jokes...about a blonde and a diet...
An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice.
The doctor advised that she run 10 miles a day for 30 days.
This, he promised, would help her lose as much as twenty pounds.
The blonde follows the doctor's advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she'd indeed lost twenty pounds.
She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results. At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question:
"How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?"
-
Cover Charge: $15.00
Round of Drinks: $23.00
Table Dance: $30.00
Another Round of Drinks: $23.00
Couch Dance and Tips: $50.00
A Round of Shots: $34.00
Another Round of Drinks: $23.00
Lap Dance and Hand Job: $100.00
Private Dance and Hotel Room: $500.00
Sending her on her way without having to cuddle or listen to her:
..................PRICELESS ;D ;D ;D
-
An English teacher was explaining to his students the concept of gender association in the English language.
He stated how hurricanes at one time were given feminine names and how ships and planes were usually referred to as "she". One of the students raised their hand and asked - "What gender is a computer"?
The teacher wasn't certain which it was, so he divided the class into two groups, males in one, females in the other, and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation. The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.
The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.............................
-
If Santa answered his mail honestly...
Dear Santa I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all
yeer. Yer Frend, BiLLy
Dear Billy, Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in
lawn care. How about I send you a f****ng book so you can learn to read and write?
I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!
Santa
Dear Santa, I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody! Love, Sarah
Dear Sarah, Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa
Dear Santa, I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas,
I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love,Teddy
Dear Teddy, Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a
screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to
your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream.
Let me get you some nice Legos instead.
Santa
Dear Santa, I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a
drum kit, a pony and a tuba. Love, Francis
Dear Francis, Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay.
Santa
Dear Santa, I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots
for your reindeer outside the back door. Love, Susan
Dear Susan, Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer
fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favour?
Leave me a bottle of scotch. Santa
Dear Santa, What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys? Your friend, Thomas
Dear Thomas, All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I
spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself
silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing
money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.
Santa
Dear Santa, Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're
awake, like in the song? Love, Jessica
Dear Jessica, Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house. Santa
Dear Santa, I really really want a puppy this year. Please
please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one? Timmy
Timmy, That whiney begging s**t may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't
work with me. You're getting a sweater again.
Santa
Dearest Santa, We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you
get into our home? Love, Marky
Mark, First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass
whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do,
through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams, Santa
-
For those who love the philosophy of hypocrisy and ambiguity. :-\
-----------------------------------------
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.....
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Is there another word for synonym?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines? (Somebody please explain THIS ONE to me) (I know there's a logical explanation, but it escapes me)
How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?
Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?
If it's called "Final Fantasy", why do they keep making more of them?
-
Mates, I cannot remember if I've already posted it, but it's too funny.
Enjoy!
---------------------
A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome, Italy. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect.
At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket she was handing him to gather some snails.
Very grudgingly he agreed.
He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself "Wouldn't it be great if she
would even just come down and talk to me." He went back to gathering the snails.
All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They got to talking, and she invited him back to her place. They were at her apartment a ways down the beach, and they started messing around. It got so hot and heavy, that he was exhausted afterwards and passed out there.
At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no - My wife's dinner party!!!"
He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails.
There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time.
He looked at the snails on the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said -
"Come on guys, we're almost there!"
-
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
-
A couple of funny links!
http://www.funnyjunk.com/movies/444/Attack+Chopper/ What are they going to use this for?!?!?!?
http://www.funnyjunk.com/movies/442/Chopper+Pulls+Boat/ I think someone is going to lose their job!!
http://www.funnyjunk.com/funny_pictures/1216/Cat+Hitler/ Maybe we do come back in some other form
http://www.funnyjunk.com/funny_pictures/859/Duck+Mother/ Awwwwww. Garsh
http://www.funnyjunk.com/funny_pictures/418/Ebay+Blunder/ Look closley!
-
two nice links with english traductions of cinese menus...
::rambo::http://www.rahoi.com/2006/03/may-i-take-your-order.php ::banghead::
::cowboy::http://community.livejournal.com/engrish/164141.html ::cowboy::
toooooooooooooooooooo funny!!!!! ;D ;D
btw: HAPPY NEW YEAR TO EVERYONE
-
Oh man, we're nearing 50 pages and great stuff still comes, although I have seen that ebay blunder before at least.
I sincerely hope a friendly soul helped to correct those translations, but dude they were funny (no disrespect intended).
Not sure if I posted these jokes before but here goes:
TOWER: PH-ABC, check you have the gear down?
PILOT: Sir, it has been down since this aircraft was built.
PILOT : Tower,request permission to enter zone XY.
TOWER : Negative!
PILOT : Did you say negative ?
TOWER : Affirmative
PILOT : Understood affirmative.I will call you leaving the zone.
TOWER : Say fuelstate.
PILOT : fuelstate.
TOWER : Say again.
PILOT : again.
TOWER : Arghl,give me your fuel!!
PILOT : Sorry, need it by myself.....
Frank
P.S. That new Garfield avatar is awesome! Snoopy btw has had a cameo in another Garfield strip. And Snoopy and Woodstock are starring in a new cartoon aircombat game.
-
I hope I've not posted it yet......
-------------------------BLONDES and JIGSAWS
A man gets a call from his very (very..) blonde girlfriend.
"I've got a problem, sweetheart".
"What's the matter, honey?" asks the man.
"Well, I bought this jigsaw puzzle, but it's too hard. None of the pieces fit together and I can't find any edges."
"What's the picture of?".
"It's of a big rooster".
"All right," says the man. "my dear. tonight, after work, as soon as I come home I will help you with the puzzle..."
At evening, he arrives home, greets his girlfriend and ask her about the puzzle. She leads him into her kitchen and shows him the jigsaw puzzle on the kitchen table.
He stares at the box, stares at the pieces on the table and turns to her and says, "For heaven's sake, Sweety, put the cornflakes back in the box...."
-------------------------------
No wonder today I changed my hair colour!!! ::rofl::
-
Airplanes can be turned off when you don't wish to fly.
An airplane doesn't "let down" before it's time.
With an airplane, size matters.
Airplanes can be overhauled when the engine sputters.
Airplanes don't come with drinking buddies.
Airplanes eventually stop whining.
Airplanes know what a final approach is.
Airplanes don't mind if you position and hold.
In an airplane a soft field landing isn't a disappointment.
Airplanes don't mind if you'd rather just cuddle.
::rofl:: ::) :o :D ;D :) ;) ;D
-
Top Ten Signs that You're an Aviation Addict
10. You speed dial ATIS
9. You whine and fret on every nice day that you're not up in the
air (instrument students and pilots add low cloudy days)
8. You whine and fret every day that the wx is too bad for flying
7. You get DUATS or a wx briefing on days you can't fly, just to
see if the wx is really as nice for flying as it looks
6. You get DUATS or a wx briefing on days with awful wx, just to
assure yourself that the wx really would be too bad to fly
5. You learn mental methods for flight planning, and spend boring
meetings planning flying trips
4. You calculate every expenditure in terms of flight hours (50
cents at the candy machine every day that's 0.01 flight hours!
3. Your girlfriend is made of aluminum and her name starts with an 'N'.
2. You get in your car and find that it drives itself the the airport.
1. You become an instructor so you can be paid to go for airplane rides!
-
Rules that Guys Wished Girls Knew.
1. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Do not ask us. We refuse to answer.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down.
3. Do not cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then, you are stuck with her.
4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to; expect an answer you do not want to hear.
6. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
7. Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.
8. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
9. Shopping is not a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that way.
10. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
11. You have enough clothes.
12. You have too many shoes.
13. Crying is blackmail.
14. Your ex-boyfriend is an idiot.
15. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it!
16. No, we do not know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
17. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult. We are bound to miss sometimes.
18. Most guys own three pairs of shoes-what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
19. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
20. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That is what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
22. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
23. Check your oil.
24. Do not fake it. We would rather be ineffective than deceived.
25. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.
26. No, it does not matter which quiz.
27. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
28. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
29. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
30. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it is genetic.
31. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
32. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done-not both.
33. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
34. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
35. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
36. More women should wear Wonderbras and low-cut blouses. We like staring at boobs.
37. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.
38. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like windows default settings. Peach is a fruit, not a color.
39. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
40. If it itches, it will be scratched.
41. Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
42. If it is OUR house, I do not understand why MY stuff gets thrown in the closet/attic/basement.
43. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
44. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
45. If we hear from an old girlfriend, we will briefly fantasize about having sex with her. But do not worry; the fantasy includes you AND her, together.
46. What the hell is a doily?
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Rules that Guys Wished Girls Knew.
HEAR HEAR!!! (Thunderous applause). See why can't more girls be like you?!?!?!
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Top Ten Signs that You're an Aviation Addict
13. You become an instructor so you can be paid to go for airplane rides!
GUILTY!!!!!!!!!!!
TM
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Here are a few good ones!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vyGGcPGywxo They don't play this one on TV anymore. I wonder why? ::thinking::
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_izGDKHAspQ&search=deputy%20droopy%20tex%20avery%20cartoon
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N8H8YC6IyEI&search=deputy%20droopy%20tex%20avery%20cartoon
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I agree with flyboy on what girls should know. Hell there should be a class somewhere that teaches that. Would make life so much easier ::angel::.
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HEAR HEAR!!! (Thunderous applause). See why can't more girls be like you?!?!?!
Haha! they just did not receive that kind of education! :) I will - by the way - forward the message, so that more would know! ::rofl:: ::rofl::
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what's muave?
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34. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
LOL that argument kind of backfires doesn't it? ::rofl::
I must say that I agree with a great Hagar the Horrible comic strip:
Hagar at the bar: Women are a mystery.
The patron next to Hagar stands up and with a goofy smile exclaims: I like mysteries! ;D
LOL too at the Car of the Future catroon, I especially thought the boldly looking feminine car was great, and it's introduction ::rofl::
Frank
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what's muave?
Actually I cannot answer what mauve is. See rule 38. ::angel:: ::angel::
But, jokes apart, even if I had to reply seriously, I would not have a specific idea. I also see 16 colours, the tones among them, I call them the same way as the basic. So, I’ve no idea about what mahogany is, and neither amaranth and mauve, and peach, I still think you need a PhD in that field to sort them out. No wonders that once I went to the hairdresser and told him the colour I thought was the one I wanted and I came out with another one. When I told him it was not the one I had searched for, he looked for the echantillons and when I pointed the one I had thought about, he said: “well, but that was not blonde grain, it was blond honey!”. Ohhh. Echk. ::unbelieveable:: Never thought that honey could be a colour too. ::banghead::
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34. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
LOL that argument kind of backfires doesn't it? ::rofl::
Really good observation Frank!
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HEAR HEAR!!! (Thunderous applause). See why can't more girls be like you?!?!?!
Haha! they just did not receive that kind of education! :) I will - by the way - forward the message, so that more would know! ::rofl:: ::rofl::
I put it on my MYSPACE page, and forwarded it!!
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What Chuck says to Julio:
"The difference between you and me is that you see the gas tank as half-empty, but I see the gas tank as half-full!"
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You know you are a pilot when..............
1. You turn on your car radio and expect to hear the ATIS.
2. Before you start your car, you reach for your checklist.
3. When you start going downhill in your car, you check the dash for the Attitude Indicator.
4. When the road is long and straight, you are tempted to drive the centerline.
5. When your normal talking voice starts sounding like an air traffic controller.
6. When you start looking for the lean knob on your car's instrument panel.
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34. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
LOL that argument kind of backfires doesn't it? ::rofl::
And....following your observation.........
Why does it take one million spermatozoon to fertilize one egg???
...........................they do NOT stop to ask direction........
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ARN851: "Halifax Terminal, Nova 851 with you out of 13,000 for 10,000, requesting runway 15."
Halifax Terminal (female): "Nova 851 Halifax, the last time I gave a pilot what he wanted I was on penicillin for three weeks. Expect runway 06."
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4. When the road is long and straight, you are tempted to drive the centerline.
Tempted more often than I like to admit.
KW
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What Chuck says to Julio:
"The difference between you and me is that you see the gas tank as half-empty, but I see the gas tank as half-full!"
HA HA !! ::rofl::
I just found this one! That's great!
I am sure we can use this somewhere......
Thanks man!
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My pleasure, glad you liked it. :)
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Aviation and a dictionary
Enjoy! :) :)
180-Degree Turn - A sometimes difficult maneuver to perform; the degree of difficulty is usually determined by the size of the pilot's ego.
A & P Rating - Enables you to fly grocery supplies.
Aero - That portion of the atmosphere that lies over Great Britain.
Aerodrome - British word for airport. Exactly what you'd expect from a country that gives its airplanes names like Gypsy Moth, Slingsby Dart, and Fairey Battle Bomber.
Aileron - A hinged control surface on the wing that scares the hell out of airline passengers when it moves.
Airfoils - Swords used for dueling in flight. Often used to settle disputes between crew members and passengers.
Airplane - The infernal machine invented by two bicycle mechanics from Dayton, Ohio and perfected on the sands of the Outer Banks of Kitty Hawk, North Carolina. Precursor of the Frisbee.
Airspeed - 1. The speed of an airplane through the air. 2. True airspeed plus 20% when talking with other pilots. Deduct 25% when listening to an Air Force Pilot. 3. Measured in furlongs-per-fortnight in student aircraft.
Air Traffic Control Center - A drafty, ill-kept, barn-like structure in which people congregate for dubious reasons.
Alternate Airport - The airport that no aircraft has sufficient fuel to proceed to if necessary.
Bail Out - Dipping the water out of the cabin after a heavy rainstorm.
Barrel Roll - Unloading the beer for a hangar party.
Caging the Gyro - Not too difficult with domestic species.
Carburetor Ice - Phrase used when reporting a forced landing caused by running out of fuel.
Cessna 310 - More than the sum of two Cessna 150's.
Chart - 1. Large piece of paper, useful for protecting cockpit surfaces from food and beverage stains. 2. An aeronautical map that provides interesting patterns for the manufacturers of children's curtains.
Chock - 1. Sudden and usually unpleasant surprise suffered by Mexican pilots. 2. Piece of wood the line boy slips in front of wheel while pilot is not looking.
Cockpit - 1. A confined space in which two chickens fight each other, especially when they can't find the airport in a rainstorm. 2. Area in which the pilot sits while attempting to figure out where he is.
Collision - Unplanned contact between one aircraft and another. As a rule, collisions that result in the creation of several smaller and less airworthy aircraft from the original two are thought to be the most serious.
De-icer - De person dat puts de ice on de wing.
Dive - Pilots' lounge or airport caf�.
Engine Failure - A condition that occurs when all fuel tanks become filled with air.
Exceptional Flying Ability - Has equal number of takeoffs and landings.
Fast - Describes the speed of any high-performance aircraft. Lower-performance and training aircraft are described as "half-fast."
Final Approach - 1. Many a seasoned pilot's last landing. 2. Many a student pilot's first landing.
Flashlight - Tubular metal container kept in flight bag for storing dead batteries.
Flight Instructor - Individual of dubious reputation, paid vast sums of money to impart knowledge of questionable value and cast serious doubt on the coordination, intelligence, and ancestry of student pilots.
Flight Plan - Scheme to get away from home to go flying.
Glider - Formerly "airplane," prior to running out of fuel.
Gross Weight - 1. A 350-pound pilot (also see "Split S"). 2. Maximum permissible takeoff weight plus two suitcases, 10 cans of oil, four sleeping bags, four rifles, eight cases of beer, and the groceries.
Hangar - Home for anything that flies, mostly birds.
Heated Air Mass - Usually found near hangar, flight lounge, airport cafe, or attractive, non-flying members of the opposite sex.
Jet-assisted Takeoff - A rapid-takeoff procedure used by a general aviation pilot who suddenly finds himself taking off on a runway directly in front of a departing 747.
Junkers 52 - A collection of elderly airplanes that even the FAA can't make airworthy.
Lazy 8 - 1. Well-known fly-in resort ranch. 2. The airport operator, his four mechanics, and three lineboys.
Log - A small rectangular notebook used by pilots to record lies.
Motor - A word used by Englishmen and student pilots when referring to an aircraft engine. (also see "Aerodrome")
Navigation - The process by which a pilot finds his way from point A to point B while actually trying to get to point C.
Occupied - An airline term for lavatory.
Oshkosh - A town in Wisconsin that is the site of the annual Experimental Aircraft Association fly-in. It is believed to have been named after the sound that most experimental aircraft engines make.
Pilot - A poor, misguided soul who talks about women when he's flying and flying when he's with a woman.
Pitch - The story you give your wife about needing an airplane to use in your business.
Radar - An extremely realistic type of video game, often found at airports. Players try to send small game-pieces, called "blips," from one side of the screen to the other without colliding with each other. Player with the fewest collisions wins.
Roger - The most popular name in radio.
S-turn - Course flown by student pilot from point A to point B.
Short-field Takeoff - A takeoff from any field less than 10,000 feet long.
Split S - What happens to the pants of overweight pilots (also see "Gross Weight").
Trim Tab - 1. A device that can fly an airplane better than the pilot. 2. Popular diet beverage for fat pilots (also see "Gross Weight").
Useful Load - Volumetric capacity of the aircraft, without regard to cargo weight.
Wilco - Roger's brother, the nerd.
Wing strut - Peculiar, ritualistic walk performed by student pilots upon getting out of low-winged trainers following first flight performed without instructor yelling at them. Usually results in instructor yelling at them.
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Hehe, classics, now gathered in a great list, thanks :)
Reminds me of this one from Plane&Pilot magazine:
Landing Strip: What you do with your clothes after touching down in Phoenix.
Circle to Land: What a dog does before it lies down.
Missed Approach: Leaving the FBO Christmas party alone.
I wonder if there are any jokes about pilotes one can make for women since most of them are speficically referring to male pilots, for instance:
What does a pilot use for birthcontrol? His personality!
The later half of the pilot definition you wrote above might be true to women too, do you talk about flying when you're hanging out with your girlfriends?
Frank
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The later half of the pilot definition you wrote above might be true to women too, do you talk about flying when you're hanging out with your girlfriends?
Frank
I almost never talk about it, since nobody, among my female friends, is interested.
But....now I see why they, on the contrary, keep telling the males. I'd never understood........
What does a pilot use for birthcontrol? His personality!
::banghead:: ::banghead:: ::banghead:: ::banghead:: ::banghead:: ::banghead:: ::banghead:: ::banghead::
;D ;) :D :)
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I almost never talk about it, since nobody, among my female friends, is interested.
But....now I see why they, on the contrary, keep telling the males. I'd never understood........
You lost me here, they tell the males you'd never understand? What?
What does a pilot use for birthcontrol? His personality!
::banghead:: ::banghead:: ::banghead:: ::banghead:: ::banghead:: ::banghead:: ::banghead:: ::banghead::
;D ;) :D :)
:-\
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You know you are a pilot when..............
1. You turn on your car radio and expect to hear the ATIS.
2. Before you start your car, you reach for your checklist.
3. When you start going downhill in your car, you check the dash for the Attitude Indicator.
4. When the road is long and straight, you are tempted to drive the centerline.
5. When your normal talking voice starts sounding like an air traffic controller.
6. When you start looking for the lean knob on your car's instrument panel.
7. You accelerate into right turns and slow down into left ones. :D (actually caught myself doing this after an intense week of flight training).
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Flight Plan - Scheme to get away from home to go flying.
Very similar to the "Low Altitude sickness" Something I frequently suffer from on sunny summer days. The only treatment is spending time AGL. ;)
Gross Weight - 1. A 350-pound pilot (also see "Split S"). 2. Maximum permissible takeoff weight plus two suitcases, 10 cans of oil, four sleeping bags, four rifles, eight cases of beer, and the groceries.
2. is the normal operating state for most Super Cubs in Alaska. ::loony::
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You lost me here, they tell the males you'd never understand? What?
It was quite subtile and the meaning probably went lost in translation!
I meant: my female friends usually introduce me by adding to any sentence...."oh, she is pilot, too".
Now I see why. Even if they are not interested in flying, they use my...personality to take me out of any game!
:) ;D
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Flight Plan - Scheme to get away from home to go flying.
Very similar to the "Low Altitude sickness" Something I frequently suffer from on sunny summer days. The only treatment is spending time AGL. ;)
Ohoh, I was not told about it in the old time of theory, along with aeronautical medicine, but I completely agree about the existence of such a disease! that was lovely! |:)\ |:)\
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Approach: Beech 998, you're showing two thousand feet and intermittent Mode C. Say altitude.
Beech 998: Beech 998 is intermittently at two thousand feet.
----------------
Pilot coming in with his buddy who had never flown before:
Pilot: This is 1234 Delta five miles north for landing with Mike.
The tower clears him and he lands. When they shut down, the passenger, whosename is Mike, says, "Why'd you have to tell them that I was with you?"
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A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big burly man, tossed his pants to his bride and said, "here put these on." She put them on, and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants," she said. "That's right!!" said the husband, "and don't you forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family!" With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. He said, "Hell, I can't get into your panties!" She said, "That's right, and that's the way it's going to be until you change your attitude......"
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A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled upon an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said "OK. OK. You released me from the lamp, blah, blah, blah. This is the 4th time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish! The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?" The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete . . how much steel!! No, think of another wish!" The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish.
Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women . . . know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment . . .know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say, 'nothing' . . . know how to make them truly happy . . ." The genie said, "You want that bridge with two lanes or four?
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50 pages!
I've got a few stories in the past few weeks, but been debating about consequences if the people in the stories were to get on here and recognize the event in question. ;)
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Change the names and if they ask, deny everything. 8)
KW
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Change the names and if they ask, deny everything. 8)
KW
You do realize how small this company is, right? ;)
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Something i sent to my flight instructor because his girlfriend was pregnant:
May your son be
as beautiful as a Gulfstream,
as smart as an F-16,
as strong as a C-130,
as quick as a Mig 29,
and for mother's sake, may its delivery be a little faster than that of the A380.
greetings,
digits
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LOL that's a great one, welcome digits ::wave::
Frank
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Change the names and if they ask, deny everything. 8)
KW
You do realize how small this company is, right? ;)
With a small company you just have to be a better liar :-\
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I cannot remember if I posted it already........
Dad's jealous.....10 Simple Rules For Dating My Daughter
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
BTW, @ digits, your wish card is too funny. great creativity!
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You do realize how small this company is, right? ;)
With a small company you just have to be a better liar :-\
Hahahah!
I'll come up with something tomorrow after a little sleep... and hopefully after I can manage to get my truck to start!
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Thanks for the "rules" Happy!
As an attentive father, I felt like invoking several of those rules when my daughter dating ::rambo::
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Thanks for the "rules" Happy!
As an attentive father, I felt like invoking several of those rules when my daughter dating ::rambo::
Ohoh, my pleasure Fireflyr....you know they are also drawn from my experience!! and weren't it enough, I also have an incredibly jealous brother!! ;D ;D ;D
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See that's one of the main reasons I don't date! (Although the women I like are usually capable enough to take care of themselves anyway and I'm as harmless as a puppy).
Now here's something that seems to be made by a skydiver that's cruisin' for a bruisin' with pilots :D (personally I'm not that fond of seeing a wrecked plane used for a billboard like that, it's sad and kind of scary)
http://www.airliners.net/open.file/0862637/L/
Frank
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HAAAHAHA---That's GOOD Frank---helluva good billboard for skydivers ::rofl::
Darn, looks like I just hit 1,000 posts----HMMMM, maybe I've got too much goof off time! :-\
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There's no such thing as too much goof off time as long as the important things are done ::wave::
Frank
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HAAAHAHA---That's GOOD Frank---helluva good billboard for skydivers ::rofl::
Darn, looks like I just hit 1,000 posts----HMMMM, maybe I've got too much goof off time! :-\
a good excuse to open a bottle of gewurzstraminer, don't you think fireflyr?!? ;)
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A few months after his parents were divorced, Little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!" ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl::
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Anagrams
Dormitory .................................. Dirty Room
Evangelist................................. Evil's Agent
Desperation.............................. A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code..................... Here Come Dots
Slot Machines......................... Cash Lost in 'em
Animosity................................ Is No Amity
Mother-in-law..........................Woman Hitler
Snooze Alarms........................ Alas! No More Z's
Alec Guinness......................... Genuine Class
Semolina................................... Is No Meal
The Public Art Galleries......... Large Picture Halls, I Bet
A Decimal Point...................... I'm a Dot in Place
The Earthquakes.................... That Queer Shake
Eleven plus two..................... Twelve plus one
Contradiction......................... Accord not in it
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HAAAHAHA---That's GOOD Frank---helluva good billboard for skydivers ::rofl::
Darn, looks like I just hit 1,000 posts----HMMMM, maybe I've got too much goof off time! :-\
a good excuse to open a bottle of gewurzstraminer, don't you think fireflyr?!? ;)
All I have is some Chardonnay---oh well, it'll work ::drinking:: ::sleep::
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Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
**************************************************************************************************
Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
****************************************************************************************************
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
****************************************************************************************************
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the little Fokker in sight."
******************************************************************************************************
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
*****************************************************************************************************
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
******************************************************************************************************
A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): " Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany . Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"
*******************************************************************************************************
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."
********************************************************************************************************
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
*******************************************************************************************************
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."
******************************************************************************************************
While taxiing at London 's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?
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Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two extra things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating. "It's a very handy thing," God told the couple, who he found under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability.
Adam jumped up and blurted, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems a sort of thing a man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. It'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let it fly. It'd be so cool. I could write my name in the sand. Oh please God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please......" On and on he went like an excited little boy who had to pee. Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted that so badly, that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, and she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given this ability. And so Adam was given the ability to control the direction of his misdirection while in a vertical position. And so, he was happy and did celebrate by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him, laughing with delight all the while. And it was good.
Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of leftover gifts. What's left here? Oh yes...............multiple orgasms....."
-
See that's one of the main reasons I don't date! (Although the women I like are usually capable enough to take care of themselves anyway and I'm as harmless as a puppy).
Now here's something that seems to be made by a skydiver that's cruisin' for a bruisin' with pilots :D (personally I'm not that fond of seeing a wrecked plane used for a billboard like that, it's sad and kind of scary)
http://www.airliners.net/open.file/0862637/L/
Frank
HA HA! This is great!
Almost looks like a CW cartoon !!
-
37 Reasons It's Great To Be A Man
1. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
2. Your orgasms are real. Always.
3. Your last name stays put.
4. The garage is all yours.
5. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
6. You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
7. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
8. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
9. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
10. Same work .. more pay.
11. Wrinkles-add character.
12. You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
13. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
14. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
15. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
16. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
17. One mood, ALL the damn time.
18. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds.
19. A five-day vacation requires only 1 suitcase.
20. You can open all your own jars.
21. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
22. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
23. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
24. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
25. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
26. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking "He must be mad at me."
27. No maxi-pads.
28. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.
29. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
30. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
31. You are unable to see wrinkles in clothes.
32. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
33. Your belly usually hides your big hips.
34. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
35. You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
36. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in minutes.
37. The world is your urinal.
-
25. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
i only have/need one :D
-
Happy: ::rofl:: But are there only anti-female jokes like that out there?
3: I like my name but not many people can pronounce Oreskov correctly in english, and probably fewer people understand it's not polish/russian but a danish forrest name so I wouldn't mind taking my wife's last name, unless it was Stein of course. Frank N. Stein, hmm, actually maybe I'd like that (when I went to public school in the first and second grade that was my teasing name btw, Frankenstein).
7: No longer true, at least not until they notice you're a carexpert (personal experience, observed by my mom at least).
18: Not if my older brother Michael is at the other end! ::rofl::
22: Actually I think I pay less than that.
23: Not necessarily true, your mother might very well notice and start pushing you to get a wife.
24: Not if I don't trust the driver I can't.
25: I only have two, a pair of sneakers and some nice leather shoes I've only worn a couple of times, one of them being my student graduation.
31: No I'm not, but I don't care about wrinkles since they're unavoidable :D
32: That's true, I've had a simple parden to the left for 15-20 years, although I've started to get highlights in them, however they are from mother nature so it's not really my own doing :D
33: You must mean divert focus from the hips since to my knowlege hips are on the side and a belly is in front.
35: Uhm, nope.
37: See above.
Frank
-
Happy, most males (me included) are so oblivious to reality, we think your male-bashing is actually complimentary ;D ::rofl::
-
Happy: ::rofl:: But are there only anti-female jokes like that out there?
Frank
No idea, Frank, if a similar exists. but when it happened to me to read the last one, I found it too funny not to post in here. btw, for fairness, I will look for the "why it is gorgeous to be a woman"!
Fireflyr: what do you mean by bashing?!?!?
-
A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY.The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains" I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500!." Figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references.He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail. Afterover an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
-
A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking! A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.
The moral of the story:
If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.
-
An sad, old man sitting was sitting on a park bench when along came a police officer. The officer asked the old man why he was so upset.
The old man replied, "Every morning I wake up with a wonderful 20 year old blonde. She cooks great meals including sausage, and bacon and everything I love. Then we make passionate love in bed. Afterwards, she gives me a bath, with handdrawn hot water, cooks me lunch and followed by more passionate love. In the evening, we'll have top the day off with a fantastic diner and yet more wonderful love.
The police officer gets a puzzled look on his face and asks, "Well, what seems to be the problem?"
The old man replied with a sad look on his face, "I can't remember where I live!"
-
Speaking of lawyers,
The post office just issued a new series of stamps featuring lawyers pictures but had to recall them because people couldn't figure out which side to spit on ::rofl::
Happy---"bashing"=insulting ::rambo::
I know--it's all in good fun ;D ;D
-
I had to reread that first joke with the blonde and the lawyer a couple of times from start to finish to get it but then it hit me, and that was awesome!!! At first I thought it was a joke about lawyers being even dumber than the stereotypical blonde, but I see this one as confirming that there are indeed intelligent blondes! I'm gonna send this to my best friend Chey (who's a blonde with a university degree), she's going to love it, like she did when I posted the hair colouring experiment thread :D ::rofl::
The 3rd joke, like Jim's stamp joke was a classic, but I'm happy that 2nd joke isn't true for all chicks, or at least I hope not. Btw, the danish equivalent word for a chick (as in a woman you want to date) is "sild" and that's the danish word for a herring (fish) ::rofl::
Btw, here's a practical joke I came up with a few days ago, have anyone done this already?
You're flying a small plane and you get some passengers who don't know you, maybe a taxiflight or something. When you're all in the plane and you're going to start the preperations for starting the plane and flight then you turn around and ask the passengers on the back seat to hand you the book on the backseat (which you conveniently put there before the passengers came) and that book's cover will read: Flying an Aircraft For Dummies - Moron Edition! (the cover designed to look like the real books in the series). To make the joke even better then make it as a small pamflet to really indicate how inadequate the book is to help ::rofl:: ::rofl::
This is similar to the joke with one of the pilots from the tv-series Wings sat in the passengerseat with the passengers comming aboard, and then folding down his newspaper and pretending to be a passenger that didn't want to wait any longer and was about to fly the plane himself ::rofl::
There's of course also the Chuck joke with him saying it's also his first time flying a helicopter for some very uneasy passengers ::rofl::
NOTE: I would make sure the passengers weren't afraid of flying, unlike Chuck, so they wouldn't get too scared when they saw the book.
Frank
-
Speaking of lawyers,
The post office just issued a new series of stamps featuring lawyers pictures but had to recall them because people couldn't figure out which side to spit on ::rofl::
Happy---"bashing"=insulting ::rambo::
I know--it's all in good fun ;D ;D
hoho! no insults meant! :)
I am part one of those women who would never enjoy living without men (also when telling jokes!) :)
-
Speaking of lawyers,
The post office just issued a new series of stamps featuring lawyers pictures but had to recall them because people couldn't figure out which side to spit on ::rofl::
Happy---"bashing"=insulting ::rambo::
I know--it's all in good fun ;D ;D
hoho! no insults meant! :)
I am part one of those women who would never enjoy living without men (also when telling jokes!) :)
HOHOHO yourself---I am loving it ::bow::
-
I had to reread that first joke with the blonde and the lawyer a couple of times from start to finish to get it but then it hit me, and that was awesome!!! At first I thought it was a joke about lawyers being even dumber than the stereotypical blonde, but I see this one as confirming that there are indeed intelligent blondes! I'm gonna send this to my best friend Chey (who's a blonde with a university degree), she's going to love it, like she did when I posted the hair colouring experiment thread :D ::rofl::
The 3rd joke, like Jim's stamp joke was a classic, but I'm happy that 2nd joke isn't true for all chicks, or at least I hope not. Btw, the danish equivalent word for a chick (as in a woman you want to date) is "sild" and that's the danish word for a herring (fish) ::rofl::
Btw, here's a practical joke I came up with a few days ago, have anyone done this already?
You're flying a small plane and you get some passengers who don't know you, maybe a taxiflight or something. When you're all in the plane and you're going to start the preperations for starting the plane and flight then you turn around and ask the passengers on the back seat to hand you the book on the backseat (which you conveniently put there before the passengers came) and that book's cover will read: Flying an Aircraft For Dummies - Moron Edition! (the cover designed to look like the real books in the series). To make the joke even better then make it as a small pamflet to really indicate how inadequate the book is to help ::rofl:: ::rofl::
This is similar to the joke with one of the pilots from the tv-series Wings sat in the passengerseat with the passengers comming aboard, and then folding down his newspaper and pretending to be a passenger that didn't want to wait any longer and was about to fly the plane himself ::rofl::
There's of course also the Chuck joke with him saying it's also his first time flying a helicopter for some very uneasy passengers ::rofl::
NOTE: I would make sure the passengers weren't afraid of flying, unlike Chuck, so they wouldn't get too scared when they saw the book.
Frank
Frank
I actually know a pilot up here who did that. He showed up the same time as his passengers, so took a seat in the passenger compartment. He waited a bit, chatting with a couple other passengers, complaining about the late pilot. Finally, he announced "Heck, I'll bet I can fly this thing!" and crawled up into the cockpit. ::cowboy::
Phil
-
Phil: ::rofl:: I so wish I could've seen their faces. I take it that he didn't need to wear a pilot uniform otherwise that joke would't have worked hehe.
Frank
-
Has this one been posted yet??
(I didn't make it through all 50+ pages to check.... but it could have been in the women=evil section....)
A sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no," he replied.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.
"Tell him," she whispered, "there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room!"
-
Firegirl, you are DISGUSTING ::sick::
But that's why we love ya ::bow::
-
I must say, I've heard a lot of dirty jokes, Jackie "The Joke Man" Martlin and John Valby are two prime suspects (Jackie btw told that joke above in his act) but after Happy and Fire's posts I'm beginning to believe other comics (both male and female ones) when they say women are a lot more dirty than they seem to men ::unbelieveable:: It's both interesting, attractive and off-putting at the same time, in short, women continue to be mysteries and just when I thought I'd figured them out, they throw a curveball and I'm still hooked >:D ::angel:: ::bow:: |:)\
Frank
-
I must say, I've heard a lot of dirty jokes, Jackie "The Joke Man" Martlin and John Valby are two prime suspects (Jackie btw told that joke above in his act) but after Happy and Fire's posts I'm beginning to believe other comics (both male and female ones) when they say women are a lot more dirty than they seem to men ::unbelieveable:: It's both interesting, attractive and off-putting at the same time, in short, women continue to be mysteries and just when I thought I'd figured them out, they throw a curveball and I'm still hooked >:D ::angel:: ::bow:: |:)\
Frank
Oh Frank, don't EVEN talk about such things or they ("the women") will make you veeeery sorry! //insert smiley w/foot in mouth//
-
Just to make sure I understand that, I'm not surprised to say I love women if they are mysterious? Too late for that, they already know. Heck, I mostly worked on my student degree with my female classmates (ok partly also because most of them were smarter and more mature so work could be done) and even my best friend is female, I just enjoy being near nice women. I find them intelligent and insightful and of course many of them are also, in my humble opinion, very nice to look at (I mean the face btw, I am a gentleman after all, and I'm happy just being in the company of a nice woman, they are that wonderful ::bow:: ). Do you think I'm lost? ::rofl::
Frank
-
Just to make sure I understand that, I'm not surprised to say I love women if they are mysterious? Too late for that, they already know. Heck, I mostly worked on my student degree with my female classmates (ok partly also because most of them were smarter and more mature so work could be done) and even my best friend is female, I just enjoy being near nice women. I find them intelligent and insightful and of course many of them are also, in my humble opinion, very nice to look at (I mean the face btw, I am a gentleman after all, and I'm happy just being in the company of a nice woman, they are that wonderful ::bow:: ). Do you think I'm lost? ::rofl::
Frank
Not at all Frank--I'm just having fun ::whistle::
-
New Answering Service Installed at Mental Health Institutes
"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5, and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until someone comes on the line.
If you are dyslexic, press 6969696969.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic-stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.
If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you."
-
Just to make sure I understand that, I'm not surprised to say I love women if they are mysterious? Too late for that, they already know. Heck, I mostly worked on my student degree with my female classmates (ok partly also because most of them were smarter and more mature so work could be done) and even my best friend is female, I just enjoy being near nice women. I find them intelligent and insightful and of course many of them are also, in my humble opinion, very nice to look at (I mean the face btw, I am a gentleman after all, and I'm happy just being in the company of a nice woman, they are that wonderful ::bow:: ). Do you think I'm lost? ::rofl::
Frank
Frank, I will tell you that the point about the fact that women are mysterious applies to men too. ;D
I do not have a big number of female friend, I'm much more the type who prefer going out with beer buddies and I consider I've male friends, instead of females. one day, by the way, talking to my brother, who has tons of experience with females, he told me that I was mad and I probably did not have any beer buddy but just men around me who just wanted one thing...and I will censure the exact words he used :) Btw, facts have not given reason to such a postulate, until now and I'm qute sure, that, even if the advice comes from an "insider", it will not apply. But when I was involved into a relationship, the only one I've had, until so far, I noticed several times that certain things were - say - reversed. to give you examples, it is usually said that women expect men to "read into your mind", behaving as you would like or that we use subtle way to mean something or that we usually answer the question "is there something wrong?" with a no, when in fact, something is wrong and we expect the significant other to understand what it is wrong. I think I can say I never behaved such ways but I saw my former behaving several times alike. So, I dare say that in my life I applied in the most natural way, almost never thinking about a best possible answer that would have reflected a stereotyped way of thinking, but behaving as I would have, with the maximum flexibility and understanding and giving - in the meantme the maximum of freedom. You wonder that when my relationship closed I was "accused" of not having understood the moods, the desires, the meanings and the needs of my significant other?!? and even worse, I was accused of not being jealous? letting the other do whatever he wanted?!?
ALso men are a mystery, let be assured! :)
-
Right on, Happy!! ::bow::
And No, Frank, you're NOT lost!! |:)\
-
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "NO! I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology, and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?!"
-
Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground.
The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate.
"Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."
-
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend awake. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" Holmes questioned.
Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent."
-
Queen Elizabeth II was visiting one of New York's finest hospitals and during her tour of the wards she passed a room where one of the male patients was masturbating.
"Oh God," said the Queen, "that's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this?"
The doctor leading the tour explains, "I am sorry your Royal Highness, but this man has a very serious condition where his testicles fill up rapidly with semen. If he doesn't do what he is doing at least 5 times per day, he could swell up and he might die"
"Oh, I am sorry," said the Queen, "I was unaware that such a medical condition existed."
On the same floor they soon passed another room where a young, blonde nurse was performing oral sex on another patient.
"Oh my God," said the Queen, "What's happening here?"
The doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."
-
Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"
"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techiniques - visualization, association - it made a huge difference for me."
"That's great! What was the name of the clinic?"
Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that red flower with the long stem and thorns?"
"You mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife. . ."Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"
-
two small prawns playing in the water.
one looks at the other and says "hey mate! what's up? you are absent minded today! something happened?".
the other (looking sad and worried): "my mom went to a cocktail party yesterday....and hasn't come back yet......"
:-\ ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
-
AND NOW, FOR YOU PHILOSPHY MAJORS, a definition; ::wave::
"Political Correctness is a doctrine fostered by a delusional, illogical liberal minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end."
-
Just to make sure I understand that, I'm not surprised to say I love women if they are mysterious? Too late for that, they already know. Heck, I mostly worked on my student degree with my female classmates (ok partly also because most of them were smarter and more mature so work could be done) and even my best friend is female, I just enjoy being near nice women. I find them intelligent and insightful and of course many of them are also, in my humble opinion, very nice to look at (I mean the face btw, I am a gentleman after all, and I'm happy just being in the company of a nice woman, they are that wonderful ::bow:: ). Do you think I'm lost? ::rofl::
Frank
Frank, I will tell you that the point about the fact that women are mysterious applies to men too. ;D
I do not have a big number of female friend, I'm much more the type who prefer going out with beer buddies and I consider I've male friends, instead of females. one day, by the way, talking to my brother, who has tons of experience with females, he told me that I was mad and I probably did not have any beer buddy but just men around me who just wanted one thing...and I will censure the exact words he used :) Btw, facts have not given reason to such a postulate, until now and I'm qute sure, that, even if the advice comes from an "insider", it will not apply. But when I was involved into a relationship, the only one I've had, until so far, I noticed several times that certain things were - say - reversed. to give you examples, it is usually said that women expect men to "read into your mind", behaving as you would like or that we use subtle way to mean something or that we usually answer the question "is there something wrong?" with a no, when in fact, something is wrong and we expect the significant other to understand what it is wrong. I think I can say I never behaved such ways but I saw my former behaving several times alike. So, I dare say that in my life I applied in the most natural way, almost never thinking about a best possible answer that would have reflected a stereotyped way of thinking, but behaving as I would have, with the maximum flexibility and understanding and giving - in the meantme the maximum of freedom. You wonder that when my relationship closed I was "accused" of not having understood the moods, the desires, the meanings and the needs of my significant other?!? and even worse, I was accused of not being jealous? letting the other do whatever he wanted?!?
ALso men are a mystery, let be assured! :)
:) :) ::rofl:: ::bow::
-
Just to make sure I understand that, I'm not surprised to say I love women if they are mysterious? Too late for that, they already know. Heck, I mostly worked on my student degree with my female classmates (ok partly also because most of them were smarter and more mature so work could be done) and even my best friend is female, I just enjoy being near nice women. I find them intelligent and insightful and of course many of them are also, in my humble opinion, very nice to look at (I mean the face btw, I am a gentleman after all, and I'm happy just being in the company of a nice woman, they are that wonderful ::bow:: ). Do you think I'm lost? ::rofl::
Frank
Frank, I will tell you that the point about the fact that women are mysterious applies to men too. ;D
I do not have a big number of female friend, I'm much more the type who prefer going out with beer buddies and I consider I've male friends, instead of females. one day, by the way, talking to my brother, who has tons of experience with females, he told me that I was mad and I probably did not have any beer buddy but just men around me who just wanted one thing...and I will censure the exact words he used :) Btw, facts have not given reason to such a postulate, until now and I'm qute sure, that, even if the advice comes from an "insider", it will not apply. But when I was involved into a relationship, the only one I've had, until so far, I noticed several times that certain things were - say - reversed. to give you examples, it is usually said that women expect men to "read into your mind", behaving as you would like or that we use subtle way to mean something or that we usually answer the question "is there something wrong?" with a no, when in fact, something is wrong and we expect the significant other to understand what it is wrong. I think I can say I never behaved such ways but I saw my former behaving several times alike. So, I dare say that in my life I applied in the most natural way, almost never thinking about a best possible answer that would have reflected a stereotyped way of thinking, but behaving as I would have, with the maximum flexibility and understanding and giving - in the meantme the maximum of freedom. You wonder that when my relationship closed I was "accused" of not having understood the moods, the desires, the meanings and the needs of my significant other?!? and even worse, I was accused of not being jealous? letting the other do whatever he wanted?!?
ALso men are a mystery, let be assured! :)
:) :) ::rofl:: ::bow::
"men are a mystery"---HORSE FEATHERS ::unbelieveable::
It's just that we think yes is yes, no is no, and we are clueless when women hint at things :-\ I mean there are a thousand ways we fall into the verbal traps set by the onerous feminists terrorists whom we worship blindly like a group knuckle-dragging troglodytes staring at a volcano ::bow:: ::bow::
Let's face it, women think anyone who just blurts unrefined data in a succint manner to facilitate a conversation is either an idiot or.... "mysterious" !
Ladies, my wife can tell you what color socks I was wearing and what she couldn't eat for lunch that day 15 years ago when sitting crosslegged at a marriage seminar I allowed she was getting "a tiny bit" wide at the hips ::eek:: ::knockedout::
Celibacy is a reward for men who aren't vigilant of the words that tumble from our babbling pie holes, we are a lot of things but we ain't mysterious ::banghead::
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Fireflyr, I'll give you a point in saying that my observations are drawn from a single experience, and I’m still waiting for other ones to confirm or deny the first set of conclusions. ;D Maybe one day - on that exact forum - I will tell you that you men are not a mystery after all (hoping that, solving the mystery, doesn’t take men’s sex appeal away, though :) ). By the way, I’ve not fallen in love yet again in order to live another story and be able to add or remove something from my first conclusion. But my question is: does that mean that a man would never uhhm, think about, say for example, what you said 6 months before and throw it back to you as a boomerang some day or another? Because, actually my former should have won the medal to that! ??? So, now I'm out of knowledge. I sometimes laugh about it.... but jokes apart, is it - or not - really something that men do not tend to do? Or, better said, do you think that women/men can "generally" behave in specified ways that are uncomprehensible to the other sex?!?
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Or, better said, do you think that women/men can "generally" behave in specified ways that are uncomprehensible to the other sex?!?
i certainly do think so. if you just consider all the scientists and writers that have spend so much time in investigating all kinds of psychological differences, have done tons of research, written thousands of books, than i'm quite sure there ARE some mysteries left and worth investigating.
or they are all just depressed bachelors :D
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OK, No joke, I heard on the radio last month that I study at a British university (sorry, can't remember which one) gave concrete proof that men and women think differently, and address problems differently. It was based on a study of only 52 students at that university, yet was deemed worthy of the world news! ::rofl::
Actually Happy, men's minds are pretty easy to read. The american philosipher Bill Engball summed up how very simply.
Men think about 3 things.
Sleeping
Eating
and Sex.
If a mans rested and well fed, you know what he'd thinking about. ::cowboy::
"Here's your sign"
Phil
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Happy, I was just being silly in that post, but as it's been said before "there is truth in humor"....
As for relationships and gender differences, there are many inconsistencies but in general, men don't do well with subtle hints (we're clueless) ::banghead:: and women are generally better at remembering inconsequential (to a guy anyway) incidents from the distant past ::angel::
Jim
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OK, No joke, I heard on the radio last month that I study at a British university (sorry, can't remember which one) gave concrete proof that men and women think differently, and address problems differently.
Well, duh! It's amazing that some of these studies get federal funding.
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Happy, I was just being silly in that post, but as it's been said before "there is truth in humor"....
As for relationships and gender differences, there are many inconsistencies but in general, men don't do well with subtle hints (we're clueless) ::banghead:: and women are generally better at remembering inconsequential (to a guy anyway) incidents from the distant past ::angel::
Jim
Thanks for the answer mates! I should maybe reconsider who wore the pants in the couple I was into! :) Jokes apart, there must be a why on the fact I'm not used about these kind of behaviour and I start thinking that growing up playing with my brother football and hockey and guns and choosing my dad's path (until a certain point) probably gave me a more direct way to approach problems! But now I clearly see why my mom, when she thinks about facts in the past, she attaches them not to the year or whatever she was doing, but to her weight at the time! :) ::rofl::
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John's dad picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part.
John enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years."
"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."
::rofl::
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I'd like to add something to my earlier post on gender differences; ;D
For Words Women Use.
1.) FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
2.) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five Minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
3.) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
4.) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
5.) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
6.) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7.) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.
8.) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying S$#&W YOU!
9.) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking, "what's wrong", for the woman's response refer to #3.
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I hear #9 a lot.
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The Center for Disease Control has released a list of symptoms of bird flu. If you experience any of the following, please seek medical treatment immediately:
1. High fever
2. Congestion
3. Nausea
4. Fatigue
5. Aching in the joints
6. An irresistible urge to sh*t on someone's windshield
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Interesting
-
Interesting
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Where do eskimo's have their cemetaries?
Someone had to come in last in flight school. How do you know it wasn't your pilot?
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OMG, I just went throught the 54 pages. LOLLOLO. ;D ::rofl:: There are some verry funny one there!
This morning, on the radio, they said that Newfounland just had their worst airplane tragedy. A Cessna 150 had to force land in St-John cemetery. Pilot survived but rescue team are counting 400 death and still digging.
-
Police just pull over someone for a few trafic violation.
Police: Sir, I got you 20 mph over speed limit.
Driver: Really, I'm sorry, I haven't realized I was going that fast.
Women passenger: What, I just keep telling you so slow down.
Driver: Shut the f... up I'M doing the talking.
Police: And I saw you pass throught the red light over the last intersection.
Driver: Really, I haven't saw it.
Women passenger: Honey, I told you to stop and you just keep accelerate throught the red light.
Driver: You b..ch, I told you to sh.t the f. up....
Police: mam, does your husband always talk to you like that?
Women: No sir, just when he is drunk.
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That last was just plain mean. Those optical illusion pictures are pretty cool. I'm guessing there all black dots except for the ones your focusing on. Very interesting.
-
Wow, these illusions makes your brain spinning! :)
Wedding Registry
Jacob age 85, and Rebecca age 79 are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way go past a drugstore. Jacob suggests that they go in. He addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?" The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jacob: "Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about Viagra?"
Pharmacist: "Of course."
Jacob: "Medicine for memory?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety."
Jacob: "What about vitamins and sleeping pills?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "Perfect! We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts."
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hehe, last one is goooooooood :d
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22 Things To Never Say To A Cop
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you that guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must have been doin' at least 120 mph to keep up with me...Good job!
5. Excuse me...is stick up hyphenated?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a cop.
7. I almost decided to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
8. Bad cop! No donut!
9. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
10. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
11. Didn't I see you get your ass kicked on COPS?
12. Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's nightstand.
13. Is it true that people become cops because they're too dumb to work at McDonald's?
14. I pay your salary!
15. So, uh, you on the take, or what?
16. Gee, Officer...that's terrific...the last officer only gave me a warning too!
17. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
18. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around-that's how far ahead of me they are.
19. What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" You're the trained specialist.
20. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
21. Hey, is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 Magnum.
22. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?
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Hahahaha :D
Hilarious! ::rofl::
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BWAAAHAHAA, Good ones Happy ::wave::
I could have used some of those Monday, got stopped for 88 MPH just outside Winemmucca NV (70 zone), in all fairness though, he just gave me a warning ::sweat::
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Where do eskimo's have their cemetaries?
Someone had to come in last in flight school. How do you know it wasn't your pilot?
Sorry, I don't get the eskimo one....
::silly::
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Where do eskimo's have their cemetaries?
Someone had to come in last in flight school. How do you know it wasn't your pilot?
Sorry, I don't get the eskimo one....
::silly::
Sad joke by some one who still believes they live on the ice pack year round. ::)
Probably thinks mushers say "mush" to start their dogs too ::)
Phil :P
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Where do eskimo's have their cemetaries?
Someone had to come in last in flight school. How do you know it wasn't your pilot?
Sorry, I don't get the eskimo one....
::silly::
Sad joke by some one who still believes they live on the ice pack year round. ::)
Probably thinks mushers say "mush" to start their dogs too ::)
Phil :P
SO, what do they they say???? Is it "On King, On you huskies" or "Giddyup"---- ???
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Sad joke by some one who still believes they live on the ice pack year round. ::)
Probably thinks mushers say "mush" to start their dogs too ::)
Phil :P
::silly::
People get confused when I tell them that I've yet to see an Igloo with flying around the state... or that we actually get daylight. ;)
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BWAAAHAHAA, Good ones Happy ::wave::
I could have used some of those Monday, got stopped for 88 MPH just outside Winemmucca NV (70 zone), in all fairness though, he just gave me a warning ::sweat::
Glad you liked them. I wll try one of these shots as soon as police stops me for whatever reason! :)
See if I can just get a warning (actually, the only time I was lucky was last year in Cornwall, when I parked a car, did not pay the exact amount and discovered two days later 4 fines for 60 £ each. I cried pity to the police station and actually went away with a 10 £ fine only.... ::rofl:: )
I try to post whenever I can, but I had to slow down lately, since the lessons are taking from my part a large amount of time :(
the good thing, is that now I start understanding what they say in AlJazeera. Yeppeeee!
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BWAAAHAHAA, Good ones Happy ::wave::
I could have used some of those Monday, got stopped for 88 MPH just outside Winemmucca NV (70 zone), in all fairness though, he just gave me a warning ::sweat::
Glad you liked them. I wll try one of these shots as soon as police stops me for whatever reason! :)
See if I can just get a warning (actually, the only time I was lucky was last year in Cornwall, when I parked a car, did not pay the exact amount and discovered two days later 4 fines for 60 £ each. I cried pity to the police station and actually went away with a 10 £ fine only.... ::rofl:: )
I try to post whenever I can, but I had to slow down lately, since the lessons are taking from my part a large amount of time :(
the good thing, is that now I start understanding what they say in AlJazeera. Yeppeeee!
nice, a few more months and you'll be the perfect terrorist: studying abroad, know arabic, having a pilot license :D
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Hey, Baradium! Where ya been?
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Where do eskimo's have their cemetaries?
Someone had to come in last in flight school. How do you know it wasn't your pilot?
Sorry, I don't get the eskimo one....
::silly::
Sad joke by some one who still believes they live on the ice pack year round. ::)
Probably thinks mushers say "mush" to start their dogs too ::)
Phil :P
SO, what do they they say???? Is it "On King, On you huskies" or "Giddyup"---- ???
"Lets Go" or "Hike!" are the most common start words. Generally the dogs will run as soon as you let them. Stopping them tends to be the hard part.
Other commands are:
Gee = right
Haw = left
Whoa = stop
Easy = slow down
Over = to the side of the trail, followed by Gee or Haw
Come Gee or Haw = turn around 180 degrees on the trail
Line Out = get your furry butt down the trail and put tension on the lines!
On by = ignore a distraction or go past a side trail
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"Lets Go" or "Hike!" are the most common start words. Generally the dogs will run as soon as you let them. Stopping them tends to be the hard part.
Other commands are:
Gee = right
Haw = left
Whoa = stop
Easy = slow down
Over = to the side of the trail, followed by Gee or Haw
Come Gee or Haw = turn around 180 degrees on the trail
Line Out = get your furry butt down the trail and put tension on the lines!
On by = ignore a distraction or go past a side trail
How about:
Engage!
or
What the hell are you trying to do, kill me?!?!
(I've come close to using the last one with human students in a Cessna 152.)
TM
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ALL students are trying to kill the Instructor!!!!!!!!!
(Rule #1 of being a CFI.........) ::eek::
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ALL students are trying to kill the Instructor!!!!!!!!!
(Rule #1 of being a CFI.........) ::eek::
NOW you tell me... ::silly:: ::silly:: ::silly::
Need more beer... oh, wait... I have to get it myself. Hic.
TM
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the following short quiz consists of 4 questions and it will tell you whethere your are qualified to be a professional. Scroll down for each answer. and remember that the questions are not that difficult.
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
The CORRECT answer: Open the refrigerator door, put the giraffe in, and close the door.
(This question tests whether or not you do simple things in a complicated way.)
2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
The WRONG answer: Open the refrigerator, put the elephant in, and close the door.
The CORRECT answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put the elephant in, and close the door.
(This question tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous statements).
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals except one attend. Which one does not attend?
The CORRECT answer: The elephant. The elephant is still in the refrigerator and cannot open the door from the inside.
(This question tests your memory.)
If you did not answer correctly the first three questions, this next question is your last chance to show your qualification to be a professional.
4. There is a river inhabited by crocodiles. How do you manage to pass it?
The CORRECT answer: Swim through it. All of the animals, including the crocodiles, are attending the conference (except the elephant, of course).
this tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.
Don't be frustrated if you failed this test. According to Andersen Consulting Worldwide, about 90% of the professionals failed the exam. However, most preschoolers got it correct, this disproving the popular theory that most "professionals" have the brains of a four-year old.
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Wow Happy, that is funny! I got them ALL wrong. ::)
But I can't even get up to speed to be a 4-year-old!!!!!!! ::whistle::
When do you want to schedule that manicure, by the way??!!!!?!!!?!? ;)
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Wow Happy, that is funny! I got them ALL wrong. ::)
But I can't even get up to speed to be a 4-year-old!!!!!!! ::whistle::
When do you want to schedule that manicure, by the way??!!!!?!!!?!? ;)
Hehe! Soccermom, it happened the same to me :)
.........talking about alternative reasoning :)
And about the manicure: you are right!!!! we have to schedule it, since it's part of our new year proposal! :)
But the question is: how will we endure the nail file? I get scared just at the thought of it! :)
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Yeah, that is WAY scarier than flying.................. ;) :D
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And here I was thinking I was smart because by "passing the river", I felt I qualified by walking parallel to it.
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My dad sent this to me. I just wanted to share this with you guys:
FOR SENIORS HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN You're OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.
George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife
told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see
from the bedroom window.
George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were
people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said
"no". Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply
lock his door and an officer would be along when available.
George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my
shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them
all." Then he hung up.
Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an
ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars
red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot
them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
(True Story) I LOVE IT
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Hahaha :D
Hillarious!
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Some of them we have seen in this thread before, but they have a few new good ones in there!
Enjoy! ::wave::
Comments by staff of a Canadian Airline.....
You gotta love the Canadian sense of humor!
West Jet is an airline with it's head office situated in Calgary, Alberta.
West Jet airline attendants make an effort to make the inflight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining.
Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
------------------------------------------------
On a West Jet flight (there is no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a
flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"
-----------------------
On another West Jet flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
------------------------
On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be
sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."
------------------------
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."
-----------------------
"Thank you for flying West Jet Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
---------------------------
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at the Vancouver Airport, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella, WHOA!"
-------------------------
After a particularly rough
landing during thunderstorms in Ontario, a flight attendant on a West Jet flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
-----------------------
From a West Jet Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard West Jet flight 245 to Calgary. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull
tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
---------------------
"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your
face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."
-----------------------
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than West Jet Airlines.
------------------------
Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.
-----------------------
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything
left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
---------------------------
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "West Jet Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
-----------------------------
Heard on West Jet Airlines just after a very hard landing in Edmonton: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the
flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."
----------------------
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of West Jet Airways."
-----------------------
Heard on a West Jet Airline flight. "Ladies and
gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing. If you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."
-----------------------
This one is older and has been used a lot, but it's still one of my favorites !! ;D
A plane was taking off from the Winnipeg Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from Winnipeg to Montreal. The weather ahead is
good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!"
Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup
of hot coffee in
my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"
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Haha, thats hillarious, Mike! ;D
"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."
was my favourite :)
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This was my favorite!
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
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Heard on West Jet Airlines just after a very hard landing in Edmonton: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the
flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."
Darn those defective Rectums! ::cowboy::
Phil
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LOL!!!!!!!!!!
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OMG!!!! that's tooooooooooooooooooooooo pretty!!! ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl::
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Approaches for men that today have not a valentine to party with.............
* Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want...the money?
* I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed rock.
* Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?
* I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
* Yo Baby, you be my Dairy Queen, I'll be your Burger King, you treat me right, and I'll do it your way.
* Excuse me, do you have your phone number, I seem to have lost mine.
* I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.
* I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house?
* If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.
* Let's do breakfast tomorrow. Should I call you or nudge you?
* If I could rewrite the alphabet, I would put U and I together.
* There must be something wrong with my eyes, I can't take them off you.
* Do you have a map? I just keep on getting lost in your eyes.
* You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
* That's a nice shirt. Can I talk you out of it?
* Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only ten I see!
* Was your father a thief? 'Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.
* Your daddy must have been a baker, 'cause you've got a nice set of buns.
* Excuse me, but I DO think it's time we met.
* Shall we talk or continue flirting from a distance?
* Is it cold in here, or are you just happy to see me?
* Do you sleep on your stomach?
No.
Can I?
* Be unique and different, say yes.
HAPPY VALENTINE!!!
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That's a nice shirt. Can I talk you out of it?
Classic, where do you find these things happy?
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That's a nice shirt. Can I talk you out of it?
Classic, where do you find these things happy?
She seems to have a gift. ;)
::rofl::
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All around the internet, chuckar! I'm always trying to find things that ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl::
well, here are some pull down from women to men the day after....or even before....
Sure, I've seen people like you before - but I had to pay an admission...
Hi there, I'm a human being! What are you?
Your red shirt goes well with your eyes...
Save your breath...You'll need it to blow up your date.
Shouldn't you have a license for being that ugly?
Calling you an idiot would be an insult to all the stupid people.
Folk clap when they see you...but they clap their hands over their eyes.
You're about as much use as a Betamax videorecorder
All day I thought of you....I was at the zoo.
I'd love to ask how old you are, but unfortunately I know you can't count that high.
You should learn from your parents mistakes - try using some birth control.
Next time you shave, try standing an inch or two closer to the blade.
If I was as ugly as you were, I wouldn't say Hi to folk, I'd say BOO!
You've got the perfect weapon against muggers - yer face.
You got a face only a mother could love...unfortunately she too hates it!
Listen, are you always this stupid or are you just making a special effort today?
Sure, I'd love to help you out...now, which way did you come in?
Anybody who told you to be yourself simply couldn't have given you worse advice...
Well, they do say opposites attact...so I sincerely hope you meet somebody who is attractive, honest, intelligent, and cultured.
I heard that you changed your mind. So, what did you do with the diaper?
Why don't you slip into something more comfortable...like a coma????
You started at the bottom...and it's been downhill ever since!
I heard that you were a Ladykiller. They take one look at you and die of shock.
I know what sign you were born under...'RED LIGHT DISTRICT'
Have a nice evening! :) :)
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Hey hey! I don't get no respect....
Why, the last time anyone opened the car door for me we were on the highway!
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got this one in an email today! ...made my day! ;D
Living Will:
Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room talking about many things.
The idea of a living will came up and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If I ever come to that just pull the plug."
She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer.
Bitch... >:(
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got this one in an email today! ...made my day! ;D
Living Will:
Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room talking about many things.
The idea of a living will came up and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If I ever come to that just pull the plug."
She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer.
Bitch... >:(
Hahahahahahahahahah!!!! That was really egg-selent! ::rofl:: |:)\
Frank
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That was really egg-selent! ::rofl:: |:)\
egg-selent, huh?!
pretty clever! I like it! ;D
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On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be
sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."
I had a similar one last Sunday. Really happend when I was in this flight. United from Chicago to Montreal. This is what the flight attendant said:
"Please be sure verify the back seat pocket in front of you for any cell phones, ipod, or any other electronic device. If you forget one, no worries, you will find them on e-bay tomorrow morning. "
She said a copel of other but this was is funnyest. Other example of what she said:
"Good evening, my name is Kareen and the other flight attendent is John, if you have any questions or requests, don't hesitate to ask John".
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"Alright folks, Cap'n says you can sit wherever you want. I suggest inside the airplane. It gets kind of cold and windy on the outside."
-Me, yesterday. Yeah, I borrowed from a line in this thread.
With the 1900 being a relatively small airliner, we sometimes tell people to sit in different sections of the airplane for weight and balance. Before we boarded the passengers our conversation went something like this.
Me: You care where they sit?
Him: Naw, they can sit wherever they want.
Me (amusing myself): As long as they sit inside the airplane! Right? (hehe)
Him (with a perfectly straight face): Naw, I don't care. Wouldn't recommend it, but if they can hang on they can sit there.
After that little conversation I had a strong urge to try the above line.
My standard line when briefing electronic devices is:
"Please make sure at this time that any cellular telephones and other electronic devices are turned off at this time. They do interfere with our communications and navigation equipment and as much as we do enjoy listening in to your conversations, it does interfere with our ATC communications"
Yes we can hear the conversations over our headsets. Text messages and rings make a weird pulse over them. Pretty annoying actually. ;)
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Nicknames:
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
Eating Out:
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $50, even though it's only for $115.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
Shopping:
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
Bathrooms:
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from ASDA.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
Arguments:
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
Cats:
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
The Future:
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
Success:
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Marriage:
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
Dressing Up:
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals
Natural appearance
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
Children:
Ah, children! A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods,
secret-fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
What a Woman Says:
C'mon...This place is a mess. You and I need to clean. Your trousers are on the floor and you'll have no clothes if we don't do the laundry now.
What a Man Hears:
C'MON! ... blah, blah, blah YOU AND I blah,blah, blah, blah, blah ON THE FLOOR blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES blah, blah,
blah, blah, NOW!
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
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Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OHHHHH MY GOD!!!!! that's so incredibly (and sadly) true! ::banghead:: ::banghead::
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Nice!
They are all kind of true. ...aren't stereotypes great!! ;D
My woman isn't like that though because she has worked around a lot of men all her life and know how we think (of better the lack of thinking ;D )
I am lucky!!
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Nice!
They are all kind of true. ...aren't stereotypes great!! ;D
My woman isn't like that though because she has worked around a lot of men all her life and know how we think (of better the lack of thinking ;D )
I am lucky!!
And where did you find such a lovely girl? Does she have a sister? ::)
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Here have some fun on an airplane. Bring your laptop, make sure the people beside you can see the screen, and click on this link
http://www.thecleverest.com/countdown.swf
You might get in trouble, but won't it be fun! :D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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Here have some fun on an airplane. Bring your laptop, make sure the people beside you can see the screen, and click on this link
http://www.thecleverest.com/countdown.swf
You might get in trouble, but won't it be fun! :D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
And just how thick is your FBI file now?? ;D
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I don't think this is a repeat...
FIVE RULES FOR A HAPPY LIFE:
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from
time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't
lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes
to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each
other.
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Definitions of a Bachelor
* One who avoids Bride-Eyed women.
* One who believes in Life, Liberty and the Happiness of Pursuit.
* One who can go fishing anytime, until he gets hooked.
* One who can't be Spouse-Broken.
* One who knows how to hold a woman's hand so that she doesn't get a grip on him.
* One who leans toward a woman but not far enough to fall.
* One who, when a girl asks him for a Diamond Ring, turns Stone-Deaf.
* One who would rather mend his socks than his ways.
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Nice!
They are all kind of true. ...aren't stereotypes great!! ;D
My woman isn't like that though because she has worked around a lot of men all her life and know how we think (of better the lack of thinking ;D )
I am lucky!!
And where did you find such a lovely girl? Does she have a sister? ::)
HA HA !! Many people ask me that!
No, she doesn't. I think if she did, she might have not turned out that way because of the increased female presence . . . ;)
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Definitions of a Bachelor
* One who avoids Bride-Eyed women.
* One who believes in Life, Liberty and the Happiness of Pursuit.
* One who can go fishing anytime, until he gets hooked.
* One who can't be Spouse-Broken.
* One who knows how to hold a woman's hand so that she doesn't get a grip on him.
* One who leans toward a woman but not far enough to fall.
* One who, when a girl asks him for a Diamond Ring, turns Stone-Deaf.
* One who would rather mend his socks than his ways.
Hmmm...sounds pretty familiar...I think I resemble that. 8)
Phil
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the importance of having sex with the partner before marriage..............
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8FnnTPzeT-k
Enjoy! ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl::
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the importance of having sex with the partner before marriage..............
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8FnnTPzeT-k
Enjoy! ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl::
Yipes!!! Yeah... that's a sobering one alright!!!! Whew!!!!
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the importance of having sex with the partner before marriage..............
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8FnnTPzeT-k
Enjoy! ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl::
Yipes!!! Yeah... that's a sobering one alright!!!! Whew!!!!
I'm afraid to look at that one...
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I'm afraid to look at that one...
Hehe! if you are, just remember what I said: have sex with your partner before marriage so that you will not have any surprise........ ::whistle:: ::whistle::
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HA HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
GOOD ONE. I HAVE SENT IT TO ALL THE TWISTED PILOTS I KNOW.
HEY WAIT ---- THAT'S REDUNDANT......
8)
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Ok, I looked...
That's just soooo wrong....
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HA HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
GOOD ONE. I HAVE SENT IT TO ALL THE TWISTED PILOTS I KNOW.
HEY WAIT ---- THAT'S REDUNDANT......
8)
that's funny, mom!
might be a case for the "DEPARTMENT OF REDUNDANCY DEPARTMENT"
::rofl:: ::drinking::
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George went on a vacation to the Middle East with his family, including his mother-in-law. During their vacation in Jerusalem, George's mother-in-law died. With the death certificate in his hand, George went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the United States for a proper burial. The Consul told George that to send the body back to the United States for burial is very, very expensive. It could cost him as much as $5,000.00. The Consul told him, in most cases the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body here in Jerusalem. This would only cost him $150.00. George thinks for some time and answers, "I don't care how much it will cost to send the body back, that's what I want to do." The Consul says, "You must have loved your mother-in-law very much considering the difference in price". "No, it's not that," says George. "You see, I know of a case many, many years ago of a man that was buried here in Jerusalem. On the third day he arose from the dead! I just can't take that chance..............." ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl::
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I've heard the mother-in-law one before, but it's still good! ;)
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Are Blonde jokes allowed in here?
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Are Blonde jokes allowed in here?
Well, try to see what jokes Firegirl have posted in the past and then take a look at her picture in the Show Your Picture thread :D
Frank
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Are Blonde jokes allowed in here?
Well, try to see what jokes Firegirl have posted in the past and then take a look at her picture in the Show Your Picture thread :D
Frank
Good to see Firegirl has a good sense of humour then!!! ;D
A beautiful blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started.
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a Rooster."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help her with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a Rooster."
He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then.....", he said with a deep sigh, ...
"Let's put all these Corn Flakes back in the box."
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Not sure if this one was posted before.... but.....
Did you hear about the beautiful blonde passenger that got on the plane? She plunked herself down in the first class section, and sat contentedly. Her assigned seat in coach sitting empty as a result.
Pushing back from the gate the flight attendants do the cross check and the one for first class says to her, "Miss, I'm sorry, but it looks like your seat is in the coach section. I'll have to ask you to move please."
The blonde looks at the attendant, and politely says, "That's okay. I'm fine here."
The attendant says, "I'm sorry, perhaps you don't realize. Your assigned seat is in the coach section. You didn't pay for this seat, so you have to move."
The blonde simply looks at her and says; "That's okay. I am really fine here."
Somewhat exasperated, the flight attendant goes and tells the lead of the issue. She too then goes to the blonde and says; "Miss, I'm really sorry, but you do have to move to your other seat."
The blonde, getting a bit more aggressive about it now says; "Look, the seat here was empty. I'm blonde, beautiful, and I don't have to do anything I don't want to. So there!"
Seeing that she is getting nowhere fast, the head flight attendant calls the cockpit; "Captain, we have an issue back here with a passenger. She won't move from first class to her coach seat."
The Captain says; "Well, we're on hold for a bit at the gate, I'll see if I can do anything."
Entering the first class area, the Captain sees the flight attendants, and the passenger.... smiling... he goes over to the passenger... whispers in her ear.
To the other flight attendants amazement, the blonde says; "Well, why didn't anyone just tell me that before! Thanks!", and moves to her assigned seat.
The attendants turn to the Captain and say; "What did you tell her? She wouldn't move for us!"
The Captain said; "I used to have a blonde girlfriend. I simply told her that first class wasn't going to Chicago!"
;D ;D
Once
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The Preachers Son
An old southern country preacher form Georgia had a teenage son named
David (AKA Rosebud) and it was getting time the boy should give some
thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn't
really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about
it.
One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an
experiment.
He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:
- a Bible, - a silver dollar, - a bottle of whiskey and - a Playboy
magazine
I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself, "and
when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he
picks up. If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and
what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to
be a businessman, and that would be OK. But if picks up the bottle, he's
going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame that would be.
And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine he's gonna be a
skirt-chasin' bum."
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he
entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his
books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the
objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to
inspect them.
Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked
up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the
bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month's Centerfold.
"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered, "he's gonna
be a fighter pilot."
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Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked
up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the
bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month's Centerfold.
"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered, "he's gonna
be a fighter pilot."
::rofl::
That's a great one! hehehehe
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Three Girls Go Camping
One day three women went camping - a blonde, a brunette and a redhead. The blonde suddenly had to go to the bathroom. She went into the woods with her toilet paper to do her business.
While she was gone, the brunette and the redhead decided to play a joke on her. They skinned a rabbit and snuck up on the blonde, put the guts behind her and ran back to the campsite. Three minutes later they heard a scream.
Then they waited another half an hour and the blonde came back, sweating. She said, "I had to poop so hard I pooped my guts out. But thanks to God and these two fingers, I stuffed them back in."
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One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."
Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:
"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."
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A wide variety of jokes there! Here's a simple one, just heard it on the radio, although I'm not sure if I've posted it before:
"It's the early bird that gets the worm but it's the second mouse that gets the cheese"
Old aviation jokes but I still enjoy reading them:
PILOT : Tower,request permission to enter zone XY.
TOWER : Negative!
PILOT : Did you say negative ?
TOWER : Affirmative
PILOT : Understood affirmative.I will call you leaving the zone.
This one is funny in relation to some talks in another thread here regarding ATC
TOWER: PH-ABC, check you have the gear down?
PILOT: Sir, it has been down since this aircraft was built.
Frank
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Zambian Roulette
As usual, things were not going well at the United Nations. Thus, many visiting ambassadors had to room together. It just so happend that Vladimir, the Russian Ambassador, and Umballa, the Zambian Ambassador, were sharing a suite. To pass the time, Vladimir introduced his fellow dignitary to the Russian game of roulette. He produced an antique Soviet revolver, and a single bullet. It took a while, but he was finally able to explain the gist of the game to Umballa. Intrigued and excited, Umballa loved the...game. By the time the U.N. meeting was over, the two had become fast friends. As they parted company at the airport, Umballa told Vladimir, ''One day, you must visit my country, and try our version of your roulette.''
A year later, Vladimir was in Zambia, and looked up his old friend. Umballa remembered him, and welcomed him with open arms.
''I have come, my comrade, to try your game.''
''Very well. Come with me.'' Umballa took his friend before six, buck-naked bush women. ''Pick one. Any one. And she will give you a blowjob.''
''But my friend, where is the danger in this?''
Umballa replied with a toothy smile, ''One of them is a.......cannibal.''
>:D >:D >:D >:D
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7 DEGREES OF BLONDE
`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:
1st DEGREE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the
phone, listened a moment and said "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.
The husband said, "Who was that?"
The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."
`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:
2nd DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."
The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!"
So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"
`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-
3rd DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"
The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"
`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:
4th DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."
A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?"
The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."
`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:
5th DEGREE
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
"Is it mine?"
`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-
6th DEGREE
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about. Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George
Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware"
`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:
7th DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!!"
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7 DEGREES OF BLONDE
`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:
1st DEGREE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the
phone, listened a moment and said "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.
The husband said, "Who was that?"
The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."
that's sagacious! :)
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Deer Superintendent,
I waunt to apply for the secritary job what I saw in the paper.
can Type real quik wit one finggar and do sum a-counting.
I think I am good on the phone and no I am a pepole person,
Pepole really seam to respond to me well.
Im lookin for a Jobb as a secritary but it musent be to complicaited
I no my spelling is not to good but find that I Offen can get a job
thru my persinalety.
My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you
think that I am werth, I can start imeditely. Thank you in advanse
fore yore anser.
hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.
Sinseerly,
Peggy May Starlings
PS : Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me
taken at my last jobb.
Employer's response:......
Dear Peggy May,
It's OK honey, we've got spell check!
We will see you
On Monday Morning !!
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Three guys are sitting in the office moaning about their St. Patrick's day weekend benders.
The first guy says "I was so drunk, I fell asleep in the bathtub after urinating in it!"
The second guy says "I was so drunk, I parked the car in the neighbor's garage, peed in the sink, and fell asleep in my daughter's bed!"
The third guy says "I was so drunk, I got home and blew chunks!"
The other two say "That doesn't sound too bad!"
He replies "You guys don't understand, Chunks is my dog!"
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7 DEGREES OF BLONDE
`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:
1st DEGREE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the
phone, listened a moment and said "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.
The husband said, "Who was that?"
The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."
that's sagacious! :)
Sagacious? That's a big word! Remember we're all pilots here. Big words are not allowed :D :D
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i'd like to second that!
we just know "cool" or "awesome" (which is already a big word also....)
;D :D
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i'd like to second that!
we just know "cool" or "awesome" (which is already a big word also....)
;D :D
That makes me think of the movie "Tiny Toons: Summer Vacation" from when I was little.
About marrying all of the guy's daughters at once: "I can't do that! That's bigamy!"
Father: "No it's not, it's big a' ME!"
Not as bad as it sounds, it's all cartoon animals, he's a rabbit and they are all croc's.... "marriage" seems more like "lunch" in the story line.
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i'd like to second that!
we just know "cool" or "awesome" (which is already a big word also....)
;D :D
No need to understand: I was just trying not to sound a blonde! ;) :)
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i'd like to second that!
we just know "cool" or "awesome" (which is already a big word also....)
;D :D
No need to understand: I was just trying not to sound a blonde! ;) :)
Wouldn't a blonde have just asked where the joke was? :D
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i'd like to second that!
we just know "cool" or "awesome" (which is already a big word also....)
;D :D
No need to understand: I was just trying not to sound a blonde! ;) :)
Wouldn't a blonde have just asked where the joke was? :D
Probably. but I wanted to sound much more intellectual. since I changed my hair colour and I currently am a brunette, I wanted to show the AI factor: artificial intelligence........
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Probably. but I wanted to sound much more intellectual. since I changed my hair colour and I currently am a brunette, I wanted to show the AI factor: artificial intelligence........
That's a good one!
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i'd like to second that!
we just know "cool" or "awesome" (which is already a big word also....)
;D :D
No need to understand: I was just trying not to sound a blonde! ;) :)
Wouldn't a blonde have just asked where the joke was? :D
Probably. but I wanted to sound much more intellectual. since I changed my hair colour and I currently am a brunette, I wanted to show the AI factor: artificial intelligence........
Or BP. BLONDE POWER!!!!!!!! ;D ;D ;D
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QUESTION:
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend version 7.0 to Wife version 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up allot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0 , Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favourite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!
Thanks,
A Troubled User.
REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men complain about. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an  OPERATING SYSTEM. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0 , Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5 Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 ! Â WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
Best of luck,
Tech Support
-
Here's one for my favorite Idaho pilot (she knows who she be)
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given
>their new wives duties.
>
>The first man had married a Woman from Colorado and had told her that she
>was going to do dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple days, but on
>the third day he came home to a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
>
>The second man had married a woman from Nebraska He had given his wife
>orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. The
>first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better.
>By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and
>there was a huge dinner on the table.
>
>The third man had married a girl from Idaho He told her that her duties
>were to keep the house cleaned,
>dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for
>every meal. He said the
>first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything,
>but by the third day some of
>the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye,
>enough to fix himself a bite to
>eat and load the dishwasher
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Here's one for my favorite Idaho pilot (she knows who she be)
::rofl::
Oldie but a goodie.
-
Heh, heh, heh.... I LIKE that joke!!! ;D
I think I resemble that remark!! ;)
I am so glad you are back, quit spilling that Jack Daniels on the keyboard and keep typing buddy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
::drinking:: ::drinking:: ::drinking:: ::drinking::
P.S. Remind me sometime to tell you my chainsaw stories..... ;)
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P.S. Remind me sometime to tell you my chainsaw stories..... ;)
uhmmm ::) for those you might have switch to a "chainsaw forum" ::) ::sulk::
HA HA!!! Just kidding! ::wave::
I think I speak for all of us whenI say we all wanna hear the chainsaw stories !!! (*insert intrigued smiley*) ::rofl::
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::wave::
Subject: Last Child Support Check
Today is my baby girl's 18 birthday. I am so glad that this will be my last child support payment! Month after month, year after year, all those damn payments!
So I called my daughter, Lilly, and told her to come over to my house. And when she got there, I said ...
"I want you to take this check over to your mom's house and tell her that this is the last check she ever be getting from me, and I want you to come back and tell me the expression on your mom's face."
So Lilly takes the check over to her moms house. I am anxious to hear what she would say and what her face looks like.
When my daughter walked back through the door I said, "Now what did your mom say about that?"
She said to tell you that "You ain't my daddy" .... and watch the espression on your face.
:o ::unbelieveable:: ::eek:: ::sick:: ::banghead::
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A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted mens barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, "What's the camel for?".
The Sergeant replied "Well sir it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel."
The captain said "Well if it's good for moral, then I guess it's all right with me."
After he had been at the fort for about 6 months the captain could not stand it any more so he told his Sergeant, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!"
The sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captains quarters. The captain got a foot stool & proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied,
down from the stool, and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?"
The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town to the brothel."
-
This speaks for itself:
http://www.theregister.co.uk/2007/03/27/cattle_class/
TM
-
Wow, this is definately one place where women and men alike are equal, wicked jokes that would make mechanics gag!
Jim: Great one! That's what I call a DocuJoke. It's a joke, but it's also real :D Idaho women sound great! 8)
Soccermom: Is that a purple bunny in your latest avatar? Or is a My Little Pony or whatever that tv-show/toy-line was called?
TM: LOL I wonder if that was shown in their docusoap as well (called Airline, as opposed to Airport that was around Heathrow Airport)?
Maybe the apology would go something like this: EasyJet extends apology for classing all elderly people as livestock, that was a mistake, this only goes for mother-in-laws. ::rofl:: ::rofl::
Frank
-
GEE, that sounds like me with a British accent--Calling my house to sell something is not conducive to a fullfilling career day! ::knockedout::
-
Maybe the apology would go something like this: EasyJet extends apology for classing all elderly people as livestock, that was a mistake, this only goes for mother-in-laws. ::rofl:: ::rofl::
this is excellent! ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl::
-
Hey, Jim! Good to see you're back.
-
I was told my roots are Irish and it was St. Patricks day the other day so here we go:
Voted Best Joke in Ireland 2006
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of
the night" She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said,
Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at
the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You
know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell
asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him
come."
::wave:: ::angel::
-
Oh MAN, that is GOOD!!! :D :D :D :D
-
On a similar Note...
The value of a Catholic education and a #2 pencil
Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School.
Usually she slept through the class.
One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.
"Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?"
When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend
sitting
behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the
rear.
"God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret.
The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class.
A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and
Savior?"
But Mary didn't stir from her slumber Once again,
Johnny came to her
rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt.
"Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said,
"Very good," and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.
The Nun asked her a third question..."What did Eve say to Adam after
she
had her twenty-third child?"
Again, Johnny came to the rescue.
This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that
damn
thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"
The nun fainted........... ::eek::
-
As the danish comic who got Tony Curtis to come out of retirement to play a sissy FBI chief in a corny (but funny) danish movie once said as his trademark: Great god almighty on horseback! (translated from danish). That was one heck of a joke! And it's actually houseclean, except the thing that the catholic schoolgirl took the lord's name in vain (at least I think that's how it goes and what she did).
Frank
-
Hey, Jim! Good to see you're back.
THANKS, are you in defrost mode yet up yonder? Is Mrs Gulfstream still liking the teaching duties and have you melded into the community? Howz the family and are you expecting more yet or are you just in practice mode?
-
Hey, Jim! Good to see you're back.
THANKS, are you in defrost mode yet up yonder? Is Mrs Gulfstream still liking the teaching duties and have you melded into the community? Howz the family and are you expecting more yet or are you just in practice mode?
Hmmmm.. the face is familiar...but I can't place the name.... ::thinking::
Welcome back!
Phil
-
Hey, Jim! Good to see you're back.
THANKS, are you in defrost mode yet up yonder? Is Mrs Gulfstream still liking the teaching duties and have you melded into the community? Howz the family and are you expecting more yet or are you just in practice mode?
Well, as I sit typing, we've got 1/2SM vis in moderate snow with 18F temps. It was really nice for a couple of weeks, but today was the coldest I've been all winter due to a stiff north wind. The ice is starting to break up, though. Someone put a truck in the lake last week. :D
Mrs. Gulf likes the teaching but is frustrated with the administration. Music takes a back seat to sports even in the spring. The kid is working on an ear infection, but is good otherwise, and the one on the way is doing just fine. Should be here in late June.
-
I just heard this radio-ad while waiting in the car, it's for Air Nordic and a lady's voice says the following (translated from danish of course): (Spoken like a stereotypical flight attendant onbard an airplane in flight) "We'll shortly be serving champagne in first class so could the passengers in couch class please keep the racket down and if you need to use the bathroom then please use the small bag in the seatback in front of you." (in a different tone) "There is no class-difference at Air Nordic, all passengers get the same benefits."
Aw man I thought that was great ::rofl::
Frank
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(http://photos-506.ak.facebook.com/ip002/v64/45/7/167200146/n167200146_30092506_2225.jpg)
(http://photos-556.ak.facebook.com/ip002/v64/45/7/167200146/n167200146_30092556_3735.jpg)
(http://photos-522.ak.facebook.com/ip002/v64/45/7/167200146/n167200146_30092522_8191.jpg)
(http://tundracomics.com/strips/2005-12-13.gif)
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That last one needs a good caption..... "Hmmm, Tastes just like chicken...." Since I am owned by several German Shepherds, and two of them think cats are a light snack, it's appropriate ::rofl::
Brian
-
"Learn to Fly Here":
-
Must be a "crash" course Mom. ;D ::rofl::
Phil
-
Oh Phil -- you got me!! Never even saw that coming!! (Just like the TREE....) :D
Cheers!!! :)
-
Well the arrow was pointing "over there". I guess the plane was just trying to learn in the wrong place???
-
That pic was sent to me in an e-mail once. There's a thread here about it.
http://www.chickenwingscomics.com/forum/index.php?topic=482.15
-
why men need post-its !!
What a great commercial!!
(must have been after a night of getting doused with beer!!) ;)
-
HA HA!!!!! That is funny!!
AND -- IT'S JANE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! even better!! ;D
-
(And there's a reason women don't need to do the same... ahem....) ;)
-
(And there's a reason women don't need to do the same... ahem....) ;)
OUCH!!!! :D :D :D
-
(And there's a reason women don't need to do the same... ahem....) ;)
OH YEAH-RIGHT !!! Now yer goin' ta lecture us about virtuous behavior, morals, etc, etc.---- ::banghead::
-
Hee hee hee hee HEEEEEE........... I am sitting here LAUGHING... just knew I could get a remark out of you Dear!!!! :D
;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;)
-
Hee hee hee hee HEEEEEE........... I am sitting here LAUGHING... just knew I could get a remark out of you Dear!!!! :D
;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;)
So you think you got me figured out you little devil !!! >:D >:D
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Oh, I never have men figured out -- I just tell myself I do!!!!!!!!!!!!! ::bow::
Here's one I wish I would have thought of....... it'd be good to do to the cars at work.... heh heh................. >:D >:D
-
I got a rough draft for a joke but I'm not sure if I created it or I heard it from some place but it goes like this: I just flew in from (insert a place long away from the setting of the joke) and man are my arms tired! (possible look or comment from the other person, depending on if it's a comic or written joke) Pilot again: Yeah my plane doesn't have an autopilot.
Of course for some here that's probably not a joke but a fact :D
Not really a joke but I was wondering, for those of you that have a mobile phone (aka cell-phone) do you have it playing the start of Danger Zone as a ring-signal? I can just picture it! ::rofl::
And also, has anyone made a call in a pilot lounge for Lt. Pete Mitchell? (that's Maverick right?) Almost like the calls for Moe in The Simpsons (which were based on real prank-calls according to what I heard). Another nice one could be to play Danger Zone or the Top Gun anthem and see if any pilots reacted :D That reminds me of the scene in Hot Shots in the briefing where the pilots strikes poses with footballs, scarfs flying in the wind etc. ::rofl::
Frank
-
Frank, we had a pilot a few years ago who was, shall we say, rather enamored of HIMSELF, and always wore his flightsuit everywhere, so women (and everyone, really!) would know he was a PILOT....... barf, barf.... ::loony::
He was a nice enough guy, but of course the guys labeled him "Maverick" and he was the unkowing recipient of a lot of jokes.... it's a long story, but "Maverick" isn't something any of our guys wants to be known as.... and he really did ask for 99% of it. ;D
-
Here's an Oldie but Goodie, from Air & Space Magazine.........
-
I was thinking of some of the funnier tricks and not so bright moments in my Fire/EMS/Aviation career. When I was on the Fire Dept. I'd have a new member help me with the weekly truck checks. the first think I'd do is tell them to go check the spark plugs on the ladder truck (which had a Diesel engine). after about 10 minutes they'd come back saying that there weren't any because it was a diesel (someone smart for a change) or that they were fine after crawling around under the hood looking for them (not the brightest light bulb in the pack ::loony:: ). I also had a Probie whom I asked to get me an axe, he made 3 laps around the truck looking for one. He came back and said there wasn't one on the truck. I said really?? as I nonchalantly walked up to the rear step of the pumper, reached out and removed the axe from it's mounting bracket. From the look on his face you would have thought I was Houdini and had produced an elephant from thin air ::rofl::
When I worked on the ambulance, things got a little more creative. A good one was to sneak into another Dept's ambulance at the hospital and reset a few things. Most US built ambulances have a master battery switch that when shut off kills the entire electrical system in the truck. Sooooo, I'd make sure the switch was off, turn the defroster on high, all the warning lights on and put the siren on "Yelp" and walk away. When the crew returned to the ambulance they would usually hop in the cab and snap on the battery switch..... Resulting in an impressive sound and light show in the small ambulance garage/loading dock at the hospital ;D
One I had played on me was another crew used the white bandage tape to tape shut the drivers door on the rig, then took a black magic marker to draw the outline of the door to camouflage the tape (our ambulances were painted white) I reached up grabbed the door handle and promptly fell on my backside when I tried to open the door and it wouldn't budge. :P I figured out who did it and planned my revenge >:D I took a bag of IV solution, and set it under the left front tire. then I ran the tubing up the inside of the door so the end of the tube was pointed at the driver. As soon at the truck started to move a high pressure jet of saline sprayed the offending EMT in the face...... His Partner thought it was hilarious.... As did the ER staff ::rofl::
Brian
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Subject: Murphy's Law, et al
Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.
Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will land on its sharp edge or roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of Probability:
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of the Telephone:
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
Variation Law:
If you change lines or lanes, the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now.
Law of the Bath :
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Law of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
Law of the Result:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
Law of Bio mechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Law of the Theatre:
At any event, the people whose seats are farthest from the aisle arrive last.
Law of Coffee:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, someone will call you and
the call will last until the coffee is cold.
Murphy's Law of Lockers:
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Rugs/Carpets:
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor
covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
Law of Location:
No matter where you go, there you are!
Law of Logical Argument*:
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
Brown's Law:
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
Oliver's Law:
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Lupton's Law:
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
(* this one I've often experienced in aviation! ...."Chuck, is that you?")
-
(And there's a reason women don't need to do the same... ahem....) ;)
OH YEAH-RIGHT !!! Now yer goin' ta lecture us about virtuous behavior, morals, etc, etc.---- ::banghead::
Naw, she just knows that when looking at a naked woman men don't really care what she calls us. >:D ::banghead::
Phil
-
Ha ha Phil -- you're getting warmer!! (No pun intended).
Actually, I am trying to get tuned back up for fire season, so am trying to see everything in a lewd and lascivious light.. heh heh... it's required about as much as using a checklist, you know....
I just figured the sticky on the GUY's forehead would just say "Stupid".....
FIRE AWAY, I know I'm gonna get it for this one!! ::rambo:: SHOOT HER, SHOOT HER.....
But -- like I said --- I gotta get tuned up for fire season... pretty soon it'll be time to walk into the lions' den and take on the task of keeping up with 86 crazy jumpers............
-
Then maybe you're implying that women just don't care who their in bed with ::thinking:: ::cowboy::
Phil
-
Naw... but I'll admit, any guy who hangs around ME would have the "Stupid" sticker on his forehead.. I'll be honest here!!!!!!! ::bow::
-
Are you suggesting any guy would HAVE to be stupid to hang around with you? ::silly::
Or that your sense of humor is such that you'd enjoy watching a guy walk around with a stupid sign on his forhead? ::sulk::
Phil ::cowboy::
-
Oh dear.... Uhhhh...
Choice "C" -- ALL OF THE ABOVE!!!! ::whistle::
;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;)
-
Oh dear.... Uhhhh...
Choice "C" -- ALL OF THE ABOVE!!!! ::whistle::
;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;)
NOT HARDLY S'MOM,
You be OK to hang with anytime anywhere---certainly my choice of pals ::bow::
-
Ha ha, THANKS Airtac!!!! (Is, er, your mailing address the same? Your $20 is on the way....) ;D
;D
-
Ha ha, THANKS Airtac!!!! (Is, er, your mailing address the same? Your $20 is on the way....) ;D
;D
Forget the 20 bucks----After all, we did share a breakfast---(let them wonder about that ::) )
-
Ha ha, THANKS Airtac!!!! (Is, er, your mailing address the same? Your $20 is on the way....) ;D
;D
Forget the 20 bucks----After all, we did share a breakfast---(let them wonder about that ::) )
Breakfast.....together....in the NUNNERY!!...OMG ::eek:: the rumours will be rife!!!!! ::rofl::
-
Seeing as how I work with Engineers...
Understanding Engineers - Take One
Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one
said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied,
"Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a
beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all
her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The second engineer nodded
approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have
fitted you anyway."
Understanding Engineers - Take Two
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is
half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Understanding Engineers - Take Three
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those
blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed
in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said,
"Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said,
"Hello, George! What's wrong with that group ahead of us?
They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes.
That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our
clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free
anytime." The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so
sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor
said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see
if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't
they play at night?"
Understanding Engineers - Take Four
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.
Understanding Engineers - Take Five
The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
Understanding Engineers - Take Six
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible
designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just
look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer.
The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last
one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else
would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area ?"
Understanding Engineers - Take Seven
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers
believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
Understanding Engineers - Take Eight
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and
said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over,
picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and
said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will
stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket,
smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If
you kiss me and turn me back into a Princess, I'll stay with you for one
week and do ANYTHING you want." Again, the engineer took the frog out,
smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked,
"What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, and that I'll
stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss
me?" The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a
girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
-
Forget the 20 bucks----After all, we did share a breakfast---(let them wonder about that ::) )
Heeeeeeeeee heeeeeeeeeee, oooh, OUI, mon cher!!!! ;) ;)
You shoulda seen the Mother Superior's face, Gibbo!!!!!!!! :D
;)
-
Understanding Engineers - Take Two
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is
half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
No, the glass obviously has a 50% safty factor ::sulk::
Phil ::rambo::
-
Is there any other type?? ...ahem to an Engineer ::silly::
-
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the
batteries are getting dead?
:
: Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is
not enough money?
:
: Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars,
but check when you say the paint is wet?
:
: Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
:
: Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
:
: Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
:
: Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a
revolver at him?
:
: Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
:
: Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
:
: If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
:
: Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are
always white?
:
: Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
:
: Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that
something new to eat will have materialized?
:
: Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum
cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to
: give the vacuum one more chance?
:
: Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
:
: How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
:
: When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping
cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all
: right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you
stupid idiot?"
:
: Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off
the table you always manage to knock something else over?
:
: In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when
we complained about the heat?
:
: How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
:
-
"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night. "
Rodney Dangerfield
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
Lynn Lavner
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
Camille Paglia
"Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are unimportant."
George Burns
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship."
Sharon Stone
"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men.
Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
Tiger Woods
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
Jack Nicholson
" Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
Barbara Bush
(Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
Robin Williams
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place"
Billy Crystal
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
Robert De Niro
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
Dustin Hoffman
"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked !"
Jerry Seinfeld
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
Robin Williams
"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom."
Joan Rivers
"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy."
Steve Martin
" You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-..aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life."
Elmo Phillips
" Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
Oscar Wilde
" It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."
George Burns
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An old southern country preacher from Georgia had a teenage son named David and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.
One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:
- a Bible,
- a silver dollar,
- a bottle of whisky and
- a Playboy magazine
I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself, "and when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up. If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a Businessman, and that would be OK, But if picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame that would be.
And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine he's gonna be a skirt-chasin' bum."
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.
Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month's Centerfold.
"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered, "he's gonna be a pilot!"
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