Chicken Wings Forum

Roost Air Lounge => General Discussion => Topic started by: Plthijnx on November 08, 2005, 06:57:15 PM

Title: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on November 08, 2005, 06:57:15 PM
thought I'd get a Joke Thread started.....here goes....

Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."
_____
Cessna: "Jones tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot, I am out of fuel."
Tower: "Roger Cessna 12345, reduce airspeed to best glide!! Do you have the airfield in sight?!?!!"
Cessna: "Uh...tower, I am on the south ramp; I just want to know where the fuel truck is."
_____
A man telephoned an airline office in New York and asked, "How long does it take to fly to Boston?"
The clerk said, "Just a minute."
"Thank you," the man said and hung up.
_____
 A man walks up to the counter at the airport. "Can I help you?" asks the agent. "I want a round trip ticket," says the man.
"Where to?" asks the agent.
"Right back to here."
_____
A passenger piled his cases on the scale at an airline counter in New York and said to the clerk, "I'm flying to Los Angeles. I want the square case to go to Denver and the two round ones to go to Seattle."
"I'm sorry, sir, but we can't do that."
"Why not? You did it last time!"
 _____

"Flight 1234, for noise abatement, turn right 45 degrees.."
"But Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on November 08, 2005, 08:20:43 PM
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly fell into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the Director of Nursing became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound-mindedness.

The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hanged himself in his bathroom with the belt to his robe right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on November 08, 2005, 08:56:42 PM
A Joke Line! Great Idea!

Here is what an old DC-9 captain said when he first got checked out to fly the Airbus A320 with a glass cockpit:
"Now I know how a dog feels watching TV!"
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Stef on November 09, 2005, 10:20:07 AM
At Kennedy Airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a compass, a protractor, and a graphical calculator.

Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.  ;D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on November 09, 2005, 01:46:06 PM
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good).....
A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: CDNpilot on November 09, 2005, 06:29:40 PM
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Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on November 09, 2005, 08:24:09 PM
Little Johnny was in the 4th grade when the teacher asked the children to stand and tell everyone what their fathers did for a living.

All the typical answers came up: fireman, policeman, salesman, office worker, etc... 

Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father. He stood up proud, shoulders back and said,

"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay bar. He takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go out
to the alley with some guy and make love with him for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly to set up the other children activities and approached Little Johnny and took him aside and asked him, "Is that really true what your father does for a living?"
"No", said Little Johnny.

"He really plays for the Houston Texans but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Firegirl on November 10, 2005, 11:27:53 AM
Jesus Is Watching

A burglar broke into a house one night.  He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze.

When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables.  Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

"Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses."

"The kind of people that would name a rottweiler Jesus."


Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on November 10, 2005, 01:35:04 PM
awesome firegirl! the g/f and i are getting ready to look at Rots....

A couple of rednecks are out in the woods hunting when one of them suddenly
grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be
breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other redneck whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

He gasps to the operator, "I think Bubba is dead! What should I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and
follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence...... and then a shot is heard.

The redneck's voice comes back on the line, "Okay, now what?"

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: CDNpilot on November 10, 2005, 05:08:03 PM
Hmmm sounds like something that would happen up here in Alberta......

Maintenance Complaints
Some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots, and the replies from the
maintenance crews.

Problem:  Target Radar hums
Solution: Reprogrammed Target Radar with the lyrics

Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."

Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."

Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."

Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."

Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed."

Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."

Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."
Solution: "Live bugs on order."

Problem: #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid
Solution: #2 Propeller seepage normal - #1 #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage

Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent."
Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."

Problem: "IFF inoperative."
Solution: "IFF always inoperative in OFF mode."

Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
Solution: "That's what they're there for."

Problem: "Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."

Problem: Aircraft handles funny
Solution: Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious

 
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on November 13, 2005, 02:05:03 PM
A woman was at the mall and she walked past the pet store, and there was a big parrot in the window with a sign behind it, "Buy this parrot, only $15.00". She had always wanted a parrot so she walked in and interrogated the owner about why the price was so low. The owner explained, "You see Ma'am, the parrot's previous owner was a prostitute, and she kept the bird at the brothel with her. So he says all kinds of disgusting and inappropriate things, and nobody wants to take him." The woman decided she'd chance it, and bought the bird.

When she got home, the parrot squawked and said, "New house... New madam." The woman chuckled and logged on to the internet to read up on parrot training.

A little while later, her two daughters came home from high school. The parrot squawked and said, "New house... New madam.... new girls..." The woman explained what was going on and they all had a laugh. Then her husband came home, and the parrot squawked and said, "Hi, George."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on November 14, 2005, 02:21:27 PM
The Army found they had too many officers and NCOs and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any member who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a grizzly old Master Sergeant who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied "from the tip of my penis to my testicles."

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider; explaining about the nice cheques the previous two officers had received. But the old Sarge insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

The medical officer arrived and instructed the Sergeant to "drop 'em", which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Sarge's penis and began to work back.

"My God!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"

The old Sergeant calmly replied....... "Vietnam."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on November 14, 2005, 02:27:08 PM
Somewhere in the deep south Plthijnx called an attorney and asked, "Is it true they're suing the cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer?"


"Yes, Plthijnx, that's true," answered the lawyer.

"And people are suing the fast food restaurants for making them fat and clogging their arteries with all them burgers and fries, is that true, mister lawyer?"

"Sure is, Plthijnx, but why do you ask?"

"Cause I was thinkin, maybe I can sue Heineken for all them ugly women I've been waken' up with."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: MO on November 14, 2005, 07:12:05 PM

Ha, ha, ha!!! good one Hijnx!!!

Cheers !
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on November 15, 2005, 02:07:30 AM
Here's one of my personal favorites! Short and sweet:

The class was supposed to write a short story in as few words as possible
for a college class and the instructions were that it had to discuss
Religion, Sexuality and Mystery. The only one who received an A+ wrote the
following:





Good God, I'm pregnant, I wonder who did it.

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Stef on November 15, 2005, 11:14:01 AM
1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
2. The sport of choice for the maintenance level employees is BOWLING.
3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is GOLF.

AMAZING CONCLUSION: The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.  ;D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on November 15, 2005, 05:03:38 PM
good one Steph!

This is the transcription of the ACTUAL (edit by Plt: actual? mmmya. "oh i read it on the internet so it MUST be true!" this is still funny though!) radio conversation between the British and the Irish off the coast of Kerry, October 1998. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations >>10-10-98.

IRISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

BRITISH: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.

IRISH: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

BRITISH: This is the Captain of a British Navy Ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

IRISH: Negative. I say again, you will have to divert YOUR course.

BRITISH: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER HMS BRITIANNIA! THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE BRITISH ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. I SAY AGAIN !!!, THAT IS 15 DEGREES NORTH OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

IRISH: We are a lighthouse................Your Call.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on November 17, 2005, 08:20:09 PM
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH, MY G-D!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier; but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on November 17, 2005, 09:25:37 PM
Three midgets are sitting in a bar.
The first midget says 'I have the smallest feet in the world.'
The second midget says 'I have the smallest hands in the world.'
The third midget says 'I have the smallest penis in the world.'
The bartender says 'I get tired of you guys braggin'. Go to Guinness and get it put in the books, and you can sit in here and brag all you want.
After about a week, the first midget comes running in the bar. 'Look bartender, I have a check and a trophy, and I am in the Guinness book for having the smallest feet in the world.'
The second midget comes running in and says 'Look bartender, I have a check and a trophy, and I am in the Guinness book for having the smallest hands in the world!'
The third midget comes running in and says 'Who in the hell is Plthijnx?!?!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Stef on November 17, 2005, 10:17:36 PM
Hahahaha! So then you must also get a lot of these penis enlargement spam mails too, huh? I always wonder which of my ex girlfriends told on me...  ;D ;D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on November 17, 2005, 10:19:15 PM
haha! yeah, they don't work :-[

edit: the one that did work, when it arrived, was a magnifying glass and a rubber band!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Master Yoda on November 18, 2005, 06:16:46 PM
haha! yeah, they don't work :-[

edit: the one that did work, when it arrived, was a magnifying glass and a rubber band!

And I'm sure you have the Visa bill and worn out measuring tape to prove it!   ;D

Ok, What's black and white and black and white and black and white?


A nun rolling down a hill.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on November 21, 2005, 05:48:45 PM

A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wife's birthday.

His wife told him "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for
me that goes from  zero to 200 in under 10 seconds".

The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She
opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for Saturday

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Sleek-Jet on November 22, 2005, 07:12:22 AM
A man comes rushing through the front door of the house..

"Honey, is there anything wrong?", asks the wife.

"No, in fact, I just found out I won the lottery.  Pack your bags", replies the husband.

"That is exciting, where are we going?", responds the wife.

The husband answers, "I don't care, just get out... " ;D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on November 23, 2005, 01:23:47 AM
Camping with the Lone Ranger and Tonto:

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert.
After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and
says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says,
"Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. 
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in  Leo. 
Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. 
Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. 
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. 
What's it tell you,Tonto?"

Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabe,
you dumber  than buffalo shit.  Someone stole our tent!"


Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on November 27, 2005, 10:23:13 PM

Living Will

A man and his wife were  sitting in the living room and he said to her, "Just so you know,  I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and  fluids from a bottle.  If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
His wife got up, unplugged the TV  and threw out all of his beer.
 
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on November 28, 2005, 04:06:26 PM
A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."

"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"

His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat, 'I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.' It worked! The headaches are all gone."

The husband replies, "Well, that's wonderful."

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't exactly been a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"

The husband agrees to try it. Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife, and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later, jumps into bed, and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, "Wow! That was wonderful!"

The husband says, "Don't move! I'll be right back." He returns to the bathroom and then goes back to the bedroom, and round two is even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back into the bathroom.

This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing in front of the mirror, saying, "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife."

His funeral services will be held on Monday.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Ted_Stryker on November 29, 2005, 08:15:49 PM
ATC: "Cessna 12345, What's your position?"

Cessna 12345: "I'm sitting down and facing front!"


-------------------------------


A guy sits down in an airport cafe after pulling his tiny Cessna 152 up to it's tie-down and securing it.  The airport has many other types of aircraft, including military, that pass through all the time.  As he is sipping his coffee in the crowded cafe, an attractive young woman asks if she can sit down at his table since all the others are taken.  Naturally, he is more than pleased to have her join him, and the following, also naturally, takes place....

Woman: "So, you're a pilot?  What kind of plane do you fly?"

Pilot:   "Well, do you know a lot about planes?"

Woman: "No, not really."

Pilot:  "Ah, well, you see that big military one out there on the ramp?"

Woman:  "Yes!  You fly that?", the woman says, impressed and smiling.

Pilot:  "Oh, no", says the pilot in a proud tone.  "That's a C-130.  I fly a C-152!"   ;D

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on November 29, 2005, 08:23:07 PM
Good one Ted!

I LOVE IT!!

Quote
Pilot:  "Oh, no", says the pilot in a proud tone.  "That's a C-130.  I fly a C-152!"

and then the woman says: Chuck, is that you?

HA HA

Who ever invented thos two jokes must have known Chuck!
(actually don't we all know him anyways, . . . there are many Chucks out there. . . wow deep!)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Ted_Stryker on November 29, 2005, 09:54:30 PM
 ;D

I'll have to dig up some of my others....I used to have a million of 'em  :D


"I went to look up my family tree and two dogs were using it!" - Rodney Dangerfield
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Master Yoda on December 02, 2005, 07:38:20 PM
A penguin is driving across Arizona with the A/C cranked.  He hears a terrible noise and suddenly the vents are blowing warm air.  He pulls into the first garage he sees and asks the mechanic to take a look. 

The penguin says, "Hey, is there someplace cool I can hang out?  I'm a little sensetive to heat."

Pointing down the road, the mechanic says, "Yeah, there's a supermarket down the block.  Their frezer section should keep you comfortable.  Why don't you go hang out there for about an hour."

So the penguin waddles off down the road and finds the freezers in the big store.  He promptly opens the door and climbs in among containers of ice cream.  After brief time, he looks around realizing he's hungry, pops the lid off a gallon of vanilla and chows down.  He finishes off the entire bucket and checks his watch, time to head back.  He waddles back down the road to the garage.

Seeing the mechanic bent under the hood of his car, the penguin says, "Hey, you find the problem?"

The mechanic turns around, "Yeah, looks like you just blew a seal."

The penguin wipes off his beak and says, "No, no!  It's just ice cream.  I swear!"
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on December 03, 2005, 05:38:10 AM
;D

I'll have to dig up some of my others....I used to have a million of 'em  :D


"I went to look up my family tree and two dogs were using it!" - Rodney Dangerfield


Cool! Let's do some good quotes:

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer.
  Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the
    wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. "
       --Dave Barry
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Ted_Stryker on December 06, 2005, 08:01:56 PM
"I don't get no respect!  The last time anyone opened the car door for me we were on the highway at the time!" - Rodney Dangerfield

----------------------

"I used to have a book on 'How to train your memory in five easy lessons'... can't remember where I put it!" - Shemp Howard

----------------------

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Ted_Stryker on December 06, 2005, 08:06:22 PM
Actual Sign Seen:

A sign seen on a restroom dryer at O'Hare Field in Chicago: Do not activate with wet hands.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Ted_Stryker on December 06, 2005, 08:18:34 PM
In the "Famous Last Words" Category:

"No flying machine will ever fly from New York to Paris." -- Orville Wright.

"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value." -- Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on December 07, 2005, 10:05:03 PM
It's better to break ground and head into the wind than to
break wind and head into the ground.

The difference between flight attendants and jet engines is
that the engine usually quits whining when it gets to the
gate.

A copilot is a knot-head until he spots opposite direction
traffic at 12 o'clock, after which he's a goof-off for not
seeing it sooner.

Without ammunition the USAF would be just another expensive
flying club.

If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about
to.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on December 07, 2005, 11:23:48 PM
Quote
It's better to break ground and head into the wind than to
break wind and head into the ground.

I love the first one!! (haven't heard it before)
Hate the last one though . . . . (because it's true)

Here is one I am sure you will enjoy:


Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drank I feel
ashamed.
Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and
all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be
out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It
is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be
selfish and worry about my liver."
--by Jack Handy

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on December 08, 2005, 01:22:55 PM
LOL! yeah, i thought about them last night!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on December 08, 2005, 01:27:26 PM
'nuff said!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: MO on December 08, 2005, 03:15:15 PM

Ha ha ha ha!!! Goooood one Hijxn!!!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on December 12, 2005, 02:42:52 AM


DYSLEXIC OF THE WORLD UNTIE !!!





(get it?... ;D)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on December 12, 2005, 01:45:43 PM
(yeah, lol!)

now....

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD:

I live in a semi-rural area We recently had a new  neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our  road. The reason: "Too many deer are  being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good  place for them to be  crossing anymore."
From Kingman, KS.

 ______________________________________________________
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco  Bell and ordered a  taco. She asked the person behind the  counter for  "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg. He was a Chef? Yep...From Kansas City!

______________________________________________

IDIOT  SIGHTING:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate  when an airport employee asked,  "Has  anyone put anything in your baggage without your  knowledge? To which I replied, "If it was without my  knowledge,  how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."

Happened in Birmingham, Ala.
_______________________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING:
The stoplight on the corner  buzzes when its safe to  cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the  buzzer was for.  I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she  responded, "What on earth are blind people doing  driving?!" She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS ___________________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING:
At a good-bye luncheon  for an old and dear coworker.   She was leaving the
company due to "downsizing."
Our manager commented  cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often."  Not another word was spoken. We all  just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare. This was a bunch at Texas  Instruments.

 ________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I work with an  individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her own life,  couldn't understand  why her system would not turn on. A deputy with the  Dallas County Sheriffs office no  less.
____________________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING:
When my husband and I arrived at an  automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told  the keys  had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to  unlock the drivers side door. As I watched from  the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door  handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "its open!" His  reply, "I know - I already got that side." This was at  the Ford dealership in Canton, Mississippi!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: leiafee on December 12, 2005, 09:38:08 PM
Quote
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I work with an  individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her own life,  couldn't understand  why her system would not turn on. A deputy with the  Dallas County Sheriffs office no  less.

I've had clients do that.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on December 13, 2005, 03:54:50 PM
Blonde humor:

I.T. guy: She tells me she intends to make the security password for her PC:

"mickiemousedaffyduckbugsbunnyporkypigtomandjerry".

I suggested this is a bit on the long side.

She said "But all the manuals say your security password should be at least six characters long."

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on December 13, 2005, 08:17:40 PM
<strike>Mike's</strike> errrr Chuck's Redneck Project Chopper!  ;D complete with test pilot!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on December 15, 2005, 07:32:36 PM
For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on. At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed an Illegal Operation" warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

Please share this with your friends who love - but sometimes hate - their computer!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Ted_Stryker on December 15, 2005, 07:56:23 PM
Good one plthijnx!!

I wonder if any Toyota salesmen or service folks have got questioned about how to turn the Prius off since it actually does have a "Start" button!

That topic also reminds me of a humorous... but unfortunately TRUE adage in computing.....

"If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, one termite and all of civilization would be destroyed!"


(and that's coming from me... a Software Engineer!)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on December 16, 2005, 01:39:20 PM
hehe true, true, Ted....and now back to our regularly scheduled show ;D

Three men are drinking in a bar. They start talking to each other because all three of them have black-eyes. They ask each other how they got their black-eyes.

The first man says "I just don't know what is wrong with me! Everytime I try and say something it comes out wrong. Like today, I went to the bank for change for a dollar. The teller was really hot and she was wearing a very revealing top. I could see everything! Well, what I ment to say was 'could I have nickles and dimes for this dollar?' and what came out was 'could I have nipples and dimes for this dollar?' so she punched me."

The second man says "That happened to me too! I went to the airport today because I was going on a business trip. The lady at the counter was really hot too, huge breasts and all. So I ment to say 'Could I have two tickets to Pittsburg?' but what came out was 'Could I have two pickets to Tittsburg?' and she punched me."

The third man says "This must be a man thing, because the same thing happend to me! At breakfast this morning my wife punched me when I was going to ask her 'honey, could you please pass the toast?' but what came out was 'Bitch!!! You ruined my whole life!!!' "
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on December 19, 2005, 10:33:20 PM
A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a
drink. Looking around, he sees 3 men sitting at a corner table. He gets up,
staggers to the table, leans over, looks at the biggest, meanest one in the
face and says, "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the
hallway buck naked. Man, she is a fine looking woman!"

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused,
because he is one bad biker, and would fight at the drop of a hat.

The drunk leans on the table again and says, "I got it on with your
grandma and she is good--the best I ever had! You hear me, boy? I said I got
it on with your grandma!"

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad, but the biker still says
nothing.

The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you
something else, boy, your grandma moaned and groaned 'cause she liked it!
Now what do you think of that, boy?"

At this point the biker stands up, grabs the drunk by the shoulders and says
"Grandpa, you're drunk....... Go home!"
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on December 19, 2005, 10:40:01 PM
Several men are in the locker room of a golf course clubhouse. When a cell phone on a bench rings, a
man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.

MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall and found a beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,500. Can I buy it?"
MAN: "OK, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2006 models. I saw one I really
liked - a little coupe.
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$68,000"
MAN: "For that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! One more little thing....the house we wanted last year is back on the market.
They're only asking $750,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just offer $725,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too." The man hangs up.
The other men are looking at him in astonishment with stark horror on their faces.
Then the man grins and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on December 19, 2005, 10:41:47 PM
You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges. You are carrying a Glock .40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?
====
Democrat's Answer:

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing!
I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.
====
Republican's Answer:

BANG!
====
Southern Republican's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click ....(sounds of reloading) BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click
Daughter: "Nice group, mommy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips?
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on December 20, 2005, 01:54:35 AM
Well, I can pretty much tell who you vote for!
So much for keeping politics to a minimum. ;D

Hey, wouldn't it be 12 or 13 "BANG" in the south? I am sure they have the bigger magazines that are illegal in California...
We always put in 12 in the military so we don't mess up the spring.
(that's the kind of questions we get if we're not 100% accurate with a strip, heh heh,
it's all good though)

One thing is for sure:
I LOVE the Glock .40!!!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on December 20, 2005, 04:00:40 PM
ehcht, they banned the larger clips a while back but i think the ban expired recently......i know that the assault rifle ban expired, i just wish i had some $ to spend on them!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on December 20, 2005, 04:45:06 PM
Yeah! It's kind of hard to keep up with all those laws. You'd probably have to join a bunch of gun-forums and prescribe to all those magazines. I use my guns mainly for possible survival purposes while flying in the middle of nowhere and to have fun while stationed in the dessert.

Back to humor!
I get this forwarded a bunch of times every Christmas, but this one is definetly my favorite. I always wanted to do that myself, ...maybe this year. The ones of you who read Calvin and Hobbs might find that this cartoon had a tremedous influence on our cartoon. We were (still are) big fans of all Bill Wattersons work.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on December 22, 2005, 09:04:57 AM
NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS - THE AVIATION VERSION!

'Twas the night before Christmas, and out on the ramp,
Not an airplane was stirring, not even a Champ.
The aircraft were fastened to tie downs with care,
In hopes that -- come morning -- they all would be there.

The fuel trucks were nestled, all snug in their spots,
With gusts from two-forty at 39 knots.
I slumped at the fuel desk, now finally caught up,
And settled down comfortably, resting my butt.

When the radio lit up with noise and with chatter,
I turned up the scanner to see what was the matter.
A voice clearly heard over static and snow,
Called for clearance to land at the airport below.

He barked his transmission so lively and quick,
I'd have sworn that the call sign he used was "St. Nick."
I ran to the panel to turn up the lights,
The better to welcome this magical flight.

He called his position, no room for denial,
"St. Nicholas One, turnin' left onto final."
And what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a Rutan-built sleigh, with eight Rotax Reindeer!

With vectors to final, down the glideslope he came,
As he passed all fixes, he called them by name:
"Now Ringo! Now Tolga! Now Trini and Bacun!
On Comet! On Cupid!" What pills was he takin'?

While controllers were sittin', and scratchin' their heads,
They phoned to my office, and I heard it with dread,
The message they left was both urgent and dour:
"When Santa pulls in, have him please call the tower."

He landed like silk, with the sled runners sparking,
Then I heard, "Left at Charlie," and "Taxi to parking."
He slowed to a taxi, turned off of three-oh,
And stopped on the ramp with a "Ho, ho-ho-ho..."

He stepped out of the sleigh, but before he could talk,
I ran out to meet him with my best set of chocks.
His red helmet and goggles were covered with frost,
And his beard was all blackened from Reindeer exhaust.

His breath smelled like peppermint, gone slightly stale,
And he puffed on a pipe, but he didn't inhale.
His cheeks were all rosy and jiggled like jelly,
His boots were as black as a cropduster's belly.

He was chubby and plump, in his suit of bright red,
And he asked me to "fill it, with hundred low-lead."
He came dashing in from the snow-covered pump,
I knew he was anxious for drainin' the sump.

I spoke not a word, but went straight to my work,
And I filled up the sleigh, but I spilled like a jerk.
He came out of the restroom, and sighed in relief,
Then he picked up a phone for a Flight Service brief.

And I thought as he silently scribed in his log,
These reindeer could land in an eighth-mile fog.
He completed his pre-flight, from the front to the rear,
Then he put on his headset, and I heard him yell, "Clear!"

And laying a finger on his push-to-talk,
He called up the tower for clearance and squawk.
"Take taxiway Charlie, the southbound direction,
Turn right three-two-zero at pilot's discretion."

He sped down the runway, the best of the best,
"Your traffic's a Grumman, inbound from the west."
Then I heard him proclaim, as he climbed thru the night,
"Merry Christmas to all! I have traffic in sight.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on December 30, 2005, 04:35:15 PM
Humor has always been big in my family, so let's keep this thread rollin':

A 6 year-old and 4 year-old are upstairs in their bedroom.
"You know what?" says the 6 year-old. " I think it's about time we started
cussing."
The 4 year-old nods his head in approval.
The 6 year-old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna
say something with 'hell' and you say something with 'ass.'
The 4 year-old agrees with enthusiasm.
When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year-old what he
wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw hell Mom, I guess I'll have some
Cheerios."
WHACK!....He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets
up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out with his mother in hot pursuit,
slapping his rear with every step.
She locks him in his room and shouts, " You can stay in there until I let
you out."
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year-old and asks with a
stern voice, "An what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be
Cheerios."

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Firegirl on January 02, 2006, 09:49:11 AM

Hi Guys!!!  It's been awhile since I have posted but thought this blonde joke was good for some winter time humor. LOL


As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out
of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker
lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are
losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down
the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again.
She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the
trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says
brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your
load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the
street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of
breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck
door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says " Hi, my name
is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"


When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next
light.
When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs
back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it,
he says...

"Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Idaho and I'm driving the
Sand Truck!"

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on January 05, 2006, 04:24:54 PM
This one is great!!


A C-130 was en route to a mission when a cocky F-16 pilot flew up
next to him. The jet jockey told the C-130 pilot, "Watch this!" He
went into a barrel roll, followed by a steep climb, then finished
with a sonic boom when he reached the speed of sound.
The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought.
The C-130 pilot responded "That was impressive, but watch this."
The C-130 droned along for about 15 minutes then the 130 pilot came
back on and said "What did you think about that?"
The 16 pilot asked, "What the Hell did you do?"

The C-130 pilot responded "I got up, stretched my legs, went to the
back poured a cup of coffee and took a piss."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: CDNpilot on January 05, 2006, 05:33:48 PM
CASINO
  Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table.
 An attractive blonde from St John's arrived and bet twenty-thousand
 dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.

 She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
 completely nude.
 "With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled,
 "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
 As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed...
 "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!" She hugged each of the dealers and then picked
 up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared
at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she
 roll?"
 The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

 MORAL - Not all Newfies are stupid and not all blondes are
 dumb................. but all men are men.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on January 12, 2006, 06:54:55 AM
hey y'all. been a while but not by my own accord.....humor is all i have so here it is!

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was
squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She
went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and
whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The
teacher told him go down to the principal's office, he was to phone his
mother, and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and he
returned to the classroom, where he sat down in his seat. Suddenly, there was a
commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to
find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. "I thought I told
you to call your mom." she screamed. "I did," he said, "and she told me that if
I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school ..."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on January 12, 2006, 07:17:15 AM
mike.....just for you bro!

The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of
a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good
shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane.


"It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor.


As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane
was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and
yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind
and soon they were in the air.


"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and
make three or four low level passes."


"Why?" asked the pilot.


"Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and
photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great
exasperation and impatience.


After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the instructor?"
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on January 17, 2006, 07:15:00 PM
Good one! I love it!

Here is one just for you Texas!!

A Texan is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call on his cell phone.
 
He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar announcing his wife has produced a Typical Texas baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
 
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Texan just shrugs, "That's about average down home folks.
 
Like I said, my boy's a Typical Texas baby boy."
 
Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations of "WOW!"
 
We heard one woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.
 
Two weeks later he returns to the bar.
 
The bartender says, "Say you're the father of that Typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth.
 
Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks.  So how much does he weigh now?"
 
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
 
The bartender is puzzled, concerned, and a little suspicious. "What happened?  He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!"
 
The Texas father takes a slow swig from his Lone Star beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had'm circumcised!"
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on January 18, 2006, 03:46:39 AM
good'en mike!

A Swiss guy, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Englishmen are waiting.
"Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he says.
The two Englishmen just stare at him.
"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?"
The two continue to stare.
"Parlare Italiano?" No response,
"Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing.
The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted.
The first Englishman turns to the second and says, "Maybe we should learn a foreign language...."
"Why?" says the other, "That bloke knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on January 18, 2006, 03:54:48 AM
Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place:
The first guy begins, "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."
And then the second guy pipes in with, "That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."
Then the third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."
They continue to fish when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they asked him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?"
The fourth guy smiles, puts his feet up and says, "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing or Sex?" ...and she said, "Wear sun-block."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on January 18, 2006, 05:33:54 AM
This one had me laughing out loud!!

 
Sitting together on a train, traveling through the Swiss Alps, are a French guy, an American guy, an old Greek lady, and a young blonde Swiss girl.
 
The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.
 
When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Frenchman has a
bright red hand print on his cheek. No one speaks.
 
The old lady thinks: The Frenchman must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped his cheek.
 
The blonde thinks: That Frenchman must have tried to grope me
in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she
slapped his cheek.
 
The Frenchman thinks: The American must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.
 
The American thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel, so I can smack that Frenchman again.

Title: Thoughts for 2006
Post by: SSgtSpeece on January 18, 2006, 11:05:20 AM
Number 10 - Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9 - Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8 - If you are afraid you may fall off a tall place, carry an extension cord. It always hangs up on something.

Number 7 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6 - Some people are like a Slinky.....not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Number 5 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Number 4 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 3 - Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

Number 2 - In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2006: We know exactly where one cow with mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration.

 

Title: Little Johnny's manners
Post by: SSgtSpeece on January 18, 2006, 11:06:12 AM
During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asks the students:

"Michael, if you were on a date, having supper with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

"Just a minute, I have to go pee."

"That would be rude and impolite! ! ! What about you Peter, how would you say it?"

"I am sorry , but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back."

That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you Little Johnny, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners?"

"I would say: 'Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after supper."

The teacher fainted!!!!

Title: Tequila ( notice some may find this inappropriate )
Post by: SSgtSpeece on January 18, 2006, 11:07:18 AM
TEQUILA FOR MI AMOR

A Mexican is strolling down the street in Mexico City and kicks a
bottle lying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie.
The Mexican is stunned.

The Genie says,"Hello Master, I will grant you one wish, anything you
want."

The Mexican begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking tequila."
Finally the Mexican says, "I wish to drink tequila whenever I want, so
make me pee tequila."

The Genie grants him his wish.

When the Mexican gets home, he gets a glass out of the cupboard and
pees in it. He looks at the glass and it's clear...looks like tequila.
Then smells the liquid... smells like tequila. So he takes a taste, and
it is the best tequila he has ever tasted.

The Mexican yells to his wife, "Consuelo, Consuelo, come quickly!"

She comes running down the hall, and the Mexican takes another glass
out of the cupboard and fills it. He tells her to drink it. It is
tequila.

Consuelo is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best
tequila she has ever tasted. The two drank and partied all night.

The next night the Mexican comes home from work and tells his wife to
get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to fill the two
glasses. The result is the same. The tequila is excellent, and the
couple drinks until the sun comes up.

Finally Friday night comes and the Mexican comes home from work and
tells his wife, " Consuelo, grab one glass from the cupboard and we will
drink Tequila." His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on
the table.

The Mexican begins to fill the glass; and when he fills it, his wife
asks him, "But Pancho, why do we need only one glass?"

Pancho raises the glass and says, "BECAUSE TONIGHT, MI AMOR, YOU DRINK FROM THE BOTTLE."
Title: Military Humor is awesome...I have lots too!
Post by: SSgtSnake on January 18, 2006, 11:42:32 AM
 Marine Corp's General Reinwald was interviewed on the
 radio the other day and you have to read his reply to the
lady  who  interviewed him concerning guns and children.


Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love
this!!!!
 
 This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a
portion of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a
 female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald
 who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his
military installation.
 


 FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things
 are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your
base?
 


 GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing,
 canoeing, archery, and shooting.
 


 FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible,
isn't it?
 


GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly
 supervised on the rifle range.
 


 FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly
 dangerous activity to be teaching children?
 


 GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching
 them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
 

  FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent
 killers.
 


 GENERAL REINWALD: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be
 a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?
 


 The radio went silent and the interview ended.


You gotta love the Marines!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Gulfstream Driver on January 18, 2006, 03:54:40 PM
Since we're talking about the military...

This is a true story.

My dad, at one time, had a client in Crookston, MN, about 30 miles from Grand Forks.  This client was a truck driver, and he was dispatched to make an emergency run to Texas to deliver a load of potatoes for the Air Force.  When he got down there, he asked where the Air Force needed these potatoes so badly.  He was told they were going to Grand Forks AFB.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on January 18, 2006, 04:02:02 PM
If you guys like military humor, go to our link site on the CW-website and check out
"Operation Elusive Concept", they got some pretty funny stuff in there.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mark on January 19, 2006, 04:24:08 AM
Found this online about a month ago thought some of u guys might like it.


Airspeed: Speed of an airplane. Deduct 25% when listening to a Navy pilot.

Bank: The folks who hold the lien on most pilots' cars.

Cone of Confusion: An area about the size of New Jersey, located near the final approach beacon at an airport.

Crab: The squadron Ops Officer.

Dead Reckoning: You reckon correctly, or you are.

Engine Failure: A condition which occurs when all fuel tanks mysteriously become filled with air.

Firewall: Section of the aircraft specially designed to let heat and smoke enter the cockpit.

Glide Distance: Half the distance from the airplane to the nearest emergency landing field.

Hydroplane: An airplane designed to land on a 20,000 foot long wet runway.

IFR: A method of flying by needle and ripcord.

Lean Mixture: Nonalcoholic beer

Nanosecond: Time delay built into the stall warning system.

Parasitic Drag: A pilot who bums a ride and complains about the service.

Range: Usually about 30 miles beyond the point where all fuel tanks fill with air.

Rich Mixture: What you order at the other guy's promotion party.

Roger: Used when you're not sure what else to say.

Service Ceiling: Altitude at which cabin crews can serve drinks.

Spoilers: The Federal Aviation Administration.

Stall - Technique used to explain to the bank why you car payment is late.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on January 19, 2006, 05:31:10 AM
Good one!!
This has "Chicken Wings" and Chuck written all over it!!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Ted_Stryker on January 24, 2006, 06:25:19 PM
Let it never be said the FAA doesn't have a sense of humor sometimes too!

This is the actual lighting control panel in the tower cab at KSUS!

Enjoy!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Ted_Stryker on January 24, 2006, 06:37:12 PM
Now THIS is what I call a STEALTH Fighter!

Ladies and gentlemen... the F-22 Raptor!

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Firegirl on January 25, 2006, 03:56:43 AM
"Oh my god..........that's why it tastes sooooooo.....?!"
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on January 25, 2006, 03:56:57 PM
Two nuns, Sister Anne and Sister Noreen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.* Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.
"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Noreen. "What shall we do?"
"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Anne.
Sister Noreen switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
"What shall I do now?" she shouts.
"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican," says Sister Anne.
Sister Noreen turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
"Show him your cross," says Sister Anne.
"Now you're talking," says Sister Noreen. She opens the window and shouts, "Get the f*** off our car!!!!!"
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on January 25, 2006, 04:01:18 PM
a blonde a redhead and a brunette (who are all pregnant) are sitting in the gynocologists office and they strike up a conversation about the future sex of their babies... the brunette looks demurely up and says "I'm going to have a Girl because I was on the bottom" the redhead looks at her with a slight sneer and haughtily says "I'm going to have a boy because I was on top!" the blonde looks around in a state of panic looks nervousely around the room and says "OH NO! I'm going to have puppies!"
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on January 25, 2006, 04:02:11 PM
GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1. No matter how hard you try, you can't baptise cats.
2. when your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3. If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4. Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5. You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6. Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7. Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10. The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1. Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2. Wrinkles don't hurt.
3. Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4. Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5. Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6. Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on January 29, 2006, 08:12:43 PM
Used to be;
Memory was something you lost with age
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano
A web was a spider's home
A virus was the flu
A CD was a bank account
A hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And if you had a 3 inch floppy. . . you just hoped nobody ever found out!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on January 29, 2006, 08:17:44 PM
HA HA!! good one :D
The last one is great!!

This here is not really a joke, but I saw this on a fire up North (Idaho or Oregon) on a big helibase
with tons of port-a-potties:

On a Septic Tank Truck:

Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on January 29, 2006, 08:32:04 PM
LOL!!! i love it! good one mike!

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The
salesgirl notices him and asks if she can help him. He answers that he
looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs down the correct
aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls on the
counter.

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for tampons for your
wife?"

"You see it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a
carton of cigarettes and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some
rolling paper. So, I figure, if I have to roll my own, so does she!"
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on January 29, 2006, 10:25:26 PM
**Texas Justice**

A big-city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick-Rule."

The lawyer asked, What is the Texas Three-Kick-Rule?."

The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on this belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "OK, you old coot! now, it's my turn." The old farmer smiled and said, "No I give up, you can have the duck."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on January 29, 2006, 10:51:30 PM
Guy walks by the petshop and sees a sign: Parrot: $20. Wow he thinks, I've always wanted a parrot, this must be my lucky day! He walks in and sees the bird, an enormous brilliant macaw, beautiful plumage [/monty python], looks completely healthy, well behaved. So now that little voice that says "caveat emptor" prompts him to ask the petshop owner to explain why the low low price.

The petshop owner says that he's had a hard time placing the bird because he's and adult and a big one, not a cute little baby to be trained, etc.

The guy asks, "Can he talk?"

"Um, sure" says the petshop owner. Suspicious, like. Finally the petshop owner comes clean and confesses. "Yes, he can talk. But that the bird swears like a sailor, he can make Hells Angels cry, he swears for 10 minutes straight without repeating himself, and no one wants a bird that cusses loudly all the time."

Now the guy is torn. Is this the fatal flaw? Arrrrgh! Well, for $20 he decides to take a chance, they do the deal and the bird goes home with the guy.

A couple of weeks pass and the guy comes back to the petshop for some bird supplies. The owner is pleasantly surprised to see the man and not the bird and asks how things are going.

"Great, great, really great." says the guy.

"No problems with the, um, swearing?" asks the petshop owner.

"Well, at first it was cute and then it kind of got out of hand. So I told the bird that he needed to cool down."

"That worked? Cool down?"

"Yeah, sure. That is one really intelligent bird. Gentle as a lamb now."

Petshop owner deals with animals all the time and knows there's more to the story and when pressed the guy admits it.

"Actually, I put him in the freezer. After a minute or two of a helluva racket, he quieted down. I took him out and all was well after that."

"He stopped talking?!"

"No, he just calmly climbed onto my outstretched arm and said, 'Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on.'"

The petshop owner is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot. so he asks "That's it?"

"Oh no," the guy replies "he did say one more thing: 'By the way, what did that chicken ever do to you?'"
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Gulfstream Driver on January 30, 2006, 04:09:15 AM
Seen in a Biff's company porta-potty on a bike ride:

Dear Big Biff and Litte Biff,

I lost my contact lens.  If found, please call 555-5555

--Blind Biker

Seen in same porta-potty, the next day:

Dear Blind,

We did not find your contact.  However, we did find a pair of dentures, which were returned.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: fireflyr on January 30, 2006, 04:14:02 PM
HAHAHA---ROFL!!!!!
These are great jokes, I hope I can remember them--at my age I have a problem remembering things, also, at my age, I have a problem remembering things.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on January 31, 2006, 05:12:59 AM
what were you talking about? i'm sorry, i just forgot that i need another beer! ohh, must be A.D.D. on my part.....wait, i've heard about this thing called schitzophrenia is that the same as dimentia or i forget, alziemers? (sp i know, just roll with the joke...)

just roll with the open season on plthinjx :D
Title: Bearly!!
Post by: Ted_Stryker on February 01, 2006, 09:52:14 PM
A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers." He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bulldog.

"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat.

When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his balls and not let go.

The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Gulfstream Driver on February 02, 2006, 04:59:19 PM
Sven and Ole are cleaning out the latrine one day (there's no running water in ND), and they look down the hole and see a quarter.  Well, Ole reaches into his wallet, pulls out a $5 bill, and throws it down the hole.

Sven asks, "What're ya doin', Ole!?"

Ole says, "You don't think I'm going down there for a measley quarter, do ya?"
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on February 04, 2006, 04:22:02 PM
The Bus Trip
Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter
a double-decker bus for a week-end gambling trip to Louisiana. The
Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top
level. The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a
great time, when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the
Blondes upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate. When the Brunette
reached the top, she found all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight
ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.
The brunette asked, "What the heck's going on up here? We're having a great
time downstairs!" One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard
and whispered:
YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on February 05, 2006, 05:26:00 AM
I just realized that Firegirl has a Jack Handy quote on her signature.
Do you guys know Jack Handy? (they had a skid on SNL every now and then...)

Here is one of my favorite "deep thoughts":


   It takes a big man to cry,
   but it takes a bigger man
   to laugh at that man.


 :D haha,... totally off the wall poetry...
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Firegirl on February 05, 2006, 06:30:18 PM
Isn't Jack Handy the best?

Here is something else for you guys. Read and learn:

Woman are evil by nature....
 
    A sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub...She gestured  alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.  She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.  "Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no," he replied.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.

"Tell him," she whispered, "there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Gulfstream Driver on February 05, 2006, 08:48:03 PM
If a child asks me why it's raining, I would say, "Because God is crying."

If he asks why God is crying, I would say, "Probably because of something you did."
--Jack Handy
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Gulfstream Driver on February 05, 2006, 08:53:03 PM
Women ARE evil.  Here's a mathematical proof.

If you have a wife/girlfriend, you need to spend time with them. We all know that time is money.  And money is the root of all evil. 
So, if

Women = Time
Time = Money
Money = Evil,

Then

Women = Evil
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: fireflyr on February 06, 2006, 12:55:36 AM
Ever heard the one about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac who stayed awake nights contemplating the meaning of Dog?  ???
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on February 06, 2006, 02:27:39 AM
If a child asks me why it's raining, I would say, "Because God is crying."

If he asks why God is crying, I would say, "Probably because of something you did."
--Jack Handy

      If trees could scream,
     would we be so cavalier
    about cutting them down?
   We might, if they screamed
 all the time, for no good reason.

--Jack Handy

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: fireflyr on February 06, 2006, 10:16:54 AM
WOW DUDE--It's like REEEALY getting philosophical here, ya know?

I yam who I yam-----Popeye
Title: More Cliches
Post by: Frank N. O. on February 07, 2006, 07:33:43 PM
Truly superior pilots are those who use their superior judgment to avoid those situations where they might have to use their superior skills.

Regards engine power: Lots is good, more is better, and too much is just enough.

A checkride ought to be like a skirt, short enough to be interesting but still be long enough to cover everything.

Experience is the knowledge that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

Speed is life, altitude is life insurance.

Flying is the second greatest thrill known to man.... Landing is the first!

Every one already knows the definition of a 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. But very few know the definition of a 'great landing.' It's one after which you can use the airplane another time.

That's it for now, I'm giving small amounts so you can enjoy each one to the fullest :)
Frank
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Frank N. O. on February 07, 2006, 08:02:32 PM
Btw, thank you one and all for the great posts.

About Firegirl's picture with the Spam-ad then allow me to post Bill Engvall's joke:
SPAM: Stuff Posting As Meat

About the fighter and bomber then my favourite is the variant with a F-14 and B-52 and the trick was that the bomber-pilot switched off two engines LOL. Btw, love the CW vote incentive: "Comming in hot on one engine: in a 172 :D

Frank
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Frank N. O. on February 10, 2006, 06:29:58 PM
And now what to my knowledge is a true story and even from my home-country!

A beautiful summer day with good thermals, near Billund airport, Denmark:
Billund ATC: "Gliders 82 and D5, state position and altitude?"
82: Overhead Coal Lake, 6400 feet."
D5: "Same position, same altitude."
ATC (cool, dry voice): "So should I go get my collision report form??"

And another personal favourite of mine:

Tower: "Mission 123, do you have problems?"
Pilot: "I think, I have lost my compass."
Tower: "Judging the way you are flying, you lost the whole instrument panel!"

And some more funny ones:

Tower: "Hawk 20, is this the same aircraft declaring emergency about two hours ago ?"
Pilot: "Negative, Sir. It's only the same pilot."

Controller: "FAR1234 confirm your type of aircraft. Are you an Airbus 330 or 340?"
Pilot: "A340 of course!"
Controller: "Then would you mind switching on the two other engines and give me a 1000 feet per minute, please?"

727 pilot: "Do you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make a 360 in this airplane?"
Controller: "Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth."

Controller: "USA353 (sic) contact Cleveland Center 135.60.
(pause)
Controller: "USA353 contact Cleveland Center 135.60!"
(pause)
Controller: "USA353 you're just like my wife you never listen!"
Pilot: "Center, this is USA553, maybe if you called her by the right name you'd get a better response!"

Pilot: Oakland Ground, Cessna 1234 at Sierra Academy. Taxi, Destination Stockton
Ground: Cessna 1234, Taxi Approved, report leaving the airport

Cessna 152: "Flight Level Three Thousand, Seven Hundred"
Controller: "Roger, contact Houston Space Center"

Frank
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on February 10, 2006, 09:50:26 PM
so Mike.....is THIS how you walk your dog?!?!? lazy man. just lazy.  ::) 8) ;D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Ted_Stryker on February 10, 2006, 10:30:23 PM
so Mike.....is THIS how you walk your dog?!?!? lazy man. just lazy. ::) 8) ;D

LOL!!  You know... it could also be that the dog is taking the chopper for a walk!  :))
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on February 11, 2006, 02:06:38 AM
so Mike.....is THIS how you walk your dog?!?!? lazy man. just lazy. ::) 8) ;D

What an interesting and complicated looking kite this dog is flying?!!! ;D
Amazing! Must be a circus dog...
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Frank N. O. on February 12, 2006, 06:52:59 PM
Is that really a real photo or edited? If it is real then it surely is a fantastic photo and a very calm dog. It reminds me of a commercial I saw of a Hughes (or whatever it's called now) helicopter with a helicopter hovering right behind a old farm porch with a dog lying there and then it lifts off and then a bird or something small comes by and that makes the dog react, but not the helicopter.

Frank
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on February 13, 2006, 03:47:23 AM
that seems like a cool commercial. So you have it as a wmv file somewhere?
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Ted_Stryker on February 13, 2006, 02:37:56 PM
Is that really a real photo or edited? If it is real then it surely is a fantastic photo and a very calm dog. It reminds me of a commercial I saw of a Hughes (or whatever it's called now) helicopter with a helicopter hovering right behind a old farm porch with a dog lying there and then it lifts off and then a bird or something small comes by and that makes the dog react, but not the helicopter.

Frank

Dogs can be funny that way.  They'll stick their heads out a car window at 60 MPH and love it!  Yet, if you blow in their face, they'll scamper!  Go figure!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Gulfstream Driver on February 13, 2006, 04:51:17 PM
I've heard that dogs and helicopters are actually dangerous.  Something about getting under the tail rotor...Know anything about that Mike?
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on February 13, 2006, 05:27:19 PM
It's true!
It has something to do with the dogs not appreciating the sound of certain tail-rotors. There are quite a number of occurances where a dog ran up to the T/R and jumped up into it, trying to bite it, and so on...
...it's a mess! You always want to watch dogs when you're landing a helo AND you should watch your dog if you happen to be in close proximity of running helicopters.
And even a dog who doesn't mind the sound is tall enough to just run into it trying to zip around the back of the aircraft really quick....
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Frank N. O. on February 14, 2006, 02:30:17 AM
I didn't know that about dogs, I guess a dog isn't a helicopter pilots best friend then hehe. Btw about the commercial then I sadly don't have it, and I couldn't find it of hand, but maybe one of the avaition video sites has it?

Frank
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on February 14, 2006, 02:33:06 PM
low time commercial pilot piggy bank:
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Frank N. O. on February 14, 2006, 04:04:27 PM
Lol thanks for another great one :D

Frank
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Ted_Stryker on February 14, 2006, 05:07:02 PM
Q: Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
A: Because It Scares The Dog.


Q: What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A: A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
    A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on February 16, 2006, 02:46:21 PM
Women's Friends: A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house.
The husband called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew what she was talking about.
~~~~~~~
Men's Friends: A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house.
The wife called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed he was still there.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Firegirl on February 17, 2006, 03:35:08 AM
 ;D ;D

Woman are evil by nature....
 
    A sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub...She gestured  alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.  She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.  "Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no," he replied.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender barely managed to say.

"Tell him," she whispered, "there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."

 ;)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Frank N. O. on February 17, 2006, 05:39:05 AM
Nice jokes, although didn't someone post that last one already or was that another place I read it? Anyway, a good one saying that women are actually smart! (I really hope this isn't a repost but I don't have the energy to scan thrue the thread atm):

Do you know who I am
An award should go to the gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

During the final days at the old Stapleton airport, a crowded flight was cancelled.

A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS." The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"

Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the agent, gritted his teeth and swore "F### you."

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."

The man retreated as the people in the terminal applauded loudly. Although the flight was cancelled and people were late, they were no longer angry.

====

Why Airplanes Are Better than Women
An airplane will kill you quick . . . a woman takes her time.
Airplanes like to do it inverted.
Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.
An airplane does not get mad if you 'touch and go.'
An airplane does not object to a preflight inspection.
Airplanes come with manuals.
Airplanes have strict weight and balance limits.
You can fly an airplane any time of the month.
Airplanes don't have parents.
Airplanes don't whine unless something is really wrong.
Airplanes don't care about how many other airplanes you have flown.
When flying, you and your airplane both arrive at the same time.
Airplanes don't mind if you look at other airplanes, or if you buy
airplane magazines.
If your airplane is too loose, you can tighten it.
It's always OK to use tie downs on your airplane.

====

And now the Pilot's Prayer (a personal favourite of mine btw):

The Pilot's Prayer

Oh controller, who sits in tower
Hallowed be thy sector.
Thy traffic come, thy instructions be done
On the ground as they are in the air.
Give us this day our radar vectors,
And forgive us our TCA incursions
As we forgive those who cut us off on final.
And lead us not into adverse weather,
But deliver us our clearances.
Roger.

====

Frank
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on February 17, 2006, 06:02:36 AM
Nice jokes, although didn't someone post that last one already or was that another place I read it? Anyway, a good one saying that women are actually smart!

HA HA !!!
That's totally possible. I would be the first one to take the blame too! :D
I admit I have CRS!
It has it's advantages though:
You meet new people every day, never hear the same stupid joke twice,... the list goes on...

I also couldn't tell you if there is a joke in here twice, because by the time I see it again I already forgot I already read it....
A.D.D. combined with C.R.S.   what a combination!! ;D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Frank N. O. on February 17, 2006, 05:18:57 PM
Ok this can't be a repost, I would have really remembered this, and actually appearently this is a real thing but it deserves to be here!

http://cgi.ebay.com/ebaymotors/Cessna-150-Drive-it-on-the-street-One-of-a-kind_W0QQitemZ4612652435QQcategoryZ26428QQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem#ebayphotohosting

In the early 20th century there were propeller-driven vehicles made in Europe at least but this.....  :o ??? ::)

And about the salespitch then I'd have to say no I wouldn't look at the store it was parked in front of, I'd take one look at the plane, and then get the heck away from there because the person that had that must be nuts :D

Frank
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Gulfstream Driver on February 17, 2006, 06:29:59 PM
Airplanes come with manuals.

I think this is the most significant observation of the bunch.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: fireflyr on February 18, 2006, 12:07:36 AM
Ok this can't be a repost, I would have really remembered this, and actually appearently this is a real thing but it deserves to be here!

http://cgi.ebay.com/ebaymotors/Cessna-150-Drive-it-on-the-street-One-of-a-kind_W0QQitemZ4612652435QQcategoryZ26428QQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem#ebayphotohosting

In the early 20th century there were propeller-driven vehicles made in Europe at least but this.....  :o ??? ::)

And about the salespitch then I'd have to say no I wouldn't look at the store it was parked in front of, I'd take one look at the plane, and then get the heck away from there because the person that had that must be nuts :D

Frank

HAHAHEHEHEH!!!
What an ignoble end for a little airplane----I love the engine, don't know if it can turn that fan thingy on the front fast enough to cool the pilot but it probably has a better panel then that 172 I've been flying.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on February 22, 2006, 01:56:58 AM
A man took his wife to the doctor. After many tests, the doctor told the husband "we're not sure if she has Alzheimer's or AIDS".

The husband the doctor what he should do.

"drive her across town and leave her there" replied the doctor, "and if she makes it home, don't #$@% her."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on February 23, 2006, 02:22:59 PM

Two men are driving through New York when they get pulled over by a State
Trooper. The cop walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick.
The driver rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him in the head
with the stick. The driver asks, "What the hell was that for?"
The cop answers, "You're in New York son. When we pull you over, you better
have your license ready when we get to your car."
The driver says, "I'm sorry, Officer, I'm not from around here."
The cop runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy
his license back, walks around to the passenger side, and taps on the window.
The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him on the head
with the nightstick.
The passenger asks, "What'd you do that for?"
The cop says, "Just making your wish come true."
The passenger asks, "Making what wish come true?"
The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say to your
buddy, 'I wish that jerk would've tried that crap with me!'"
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: fireflyr on February 24, 2006, 10:42:36 AM
"I wish he'd tried that crap on me"
HAHAHAHA---ROFLMAO---GOD!,  That is so real life---most of us have been there!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on February 24, 2006, 09:54:17 PM
yeah, that's about par for the course. personally i can't stand cops. here's another cop joke:

One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow tumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys in five different cars before he found his. Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone else left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy.".
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Gulfstream Driver on February 25, 2006, 01:12:03 AM
personally i can't stand cops.

I had friends in high school that said that.  I always said that if you didn't break the law, you wouldn't have a problem with them.   ;D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: fireflyr on February 25, 2006, 02:42:45 AM
EAsy on the cop jokes---my son is a cop---It's just a friggin job! good thing he knows that they're still telling stories about his old man down at the cop shop!!!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on February 25, 2006, 02:49:39 PM
ok, let me clarify: i don't like some cops. the ones that give the good cops a bad rap.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on February 25, 2006, 04:17:06 PM

A psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog's IQ.

Here's how it works: if you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on February 25, 2006, 04:18:28 PM

Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.

"So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home.

"Great," Little Johnny replied.

"Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother.

"Yeah, Daddy especially liked it," exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly, especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!"
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Stef on February 26, 2006, 01:09:23 PM
Well, if there weren't good cops and bad cops, how would they implement the "good cop - bad cop" interrogation technique?  ;D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: fireflyr on February 26, 2006, 05:05:47 PM
Well, if there weren't good cops and bad cops, how would they implement the "good cop - bad cop" interrogation technique?  ;D

HMMMMMMM--Deep thought!!!  ???

Stef, yer scarin' me with this philosophical thread!!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Turbomallard on March 01, 2006, 10:36:43 PM
As we age, our priorities change....

The other day I came home and was greeted by my wife, dressed only in very
sexy underwear and holding a couple of short velvet ropes.

"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So, I tied her up and went flying.

 ;D

TM
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: fireflyr on March 02, 2006, 06:11:02 AM
Turbomallard, I shot wine (Sonama Valley-of course) out my nose on that one!!!!! ;D

I used to say I'd rather fly than ****  because I can fly for hours---then came Viagra so now it's a toss up.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Turbomallard on March 02, 2006, 10:48:40 PM
Turbomallard, I shot wine (Sonama Valley-of course) out my nose on that one!!!!! ;D


Well, I hope it didn't hurt too much.

On another note... I can't wait for the guys to incorporate the "bit" in question into a strip for the comic!

It would be tough to sell in terms of believability, though... I mean, Chuck having a wife?

TM
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Ted_Stryker on March 02, 2006, 11:10:52 PM
Good ones indeed!!!! :D

Here's another I saw the other day....

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.

A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready."All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except the lawyers are still going around passing out business cards.

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Firegirl on March 03, 2006, 11:20:45 PM
           
FBI
 
 
The FBI had an opening for an assassin.   

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done there were 3 finalists. Two  men  and  a  woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.   Inside the room you will find your wife
sitting in a chair.   Kill Her!!!"

"The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife"

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."


The second man was given the same instructions.   He took the gun and went into the room.   All was quiet for about 5 minutes.   The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes.  Take your wife and go home."


Finally, it was the woman's turn.   She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another.   They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.  After a few minutes, all was quiet.   The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, She wiped the sweat from her brow.  "This gun is loaded with blanks" she said.  "I had to beat him to death with the chair."


MORAL :   Women are evil   

Don't mess with them  !!!!!!!!


 
 Whoa!! Heh heh heh.......
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Stef on March 04, 2006, 10:01:13 AM
Here's one that might be rather old. But it's probably my most favourite sexist joke!  :)

God had just created paradise and Adam. At first Adam was enjoying this place very much, but eventually he got bored of being alone, so he went to god and asked if he couldn't create something for him to help him pass the time.
And God said: "Why sure! I have something great for you! It's called 'woman', my newest invention, but it isn't cheap".
Adam: "Hm sounds nice! Tell me more about it!"
God: "Well, it's another human being, almost like you, but slightly different. She would be a great companion for you. She would admire you and love you, she would tend to your every needs, be a great cook, and not only look extremely hot and be naughty in bed, but also be truly faithful to you!"
Adam: "WOW!!! That sounds great! How much would this cost?"
God: "An arm and a leg."
Adam (hesitating): "Oh... and what would I get for, let's say, a rib?"
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on March 07, 2006, 05:57:47 PM
A blonde was speeding in a 35 mile per hour zone when a local police cruiser pulled her over and the officer walked up to the car. The female Police officer also happened to be a blonde and she asked for the blonde's driver's license.

The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman "What does a driver's license look like?"

Irritated, the blonde cop said "It's got your picture on it!" The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small rectangular mirror down at the bottom.

She held it up to her face and said, "Aha! This must be my driver's license" and handed it to the blonde policewoman.

The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said, "You're free to go. And, if I had known you were a police officer too, we could have avoided all this hassle."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on March 07, 2006, 05:58:54 PM
How To Clean A Toilet, The "FUN" Way ...



1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely,

The Dog
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Gulfstream Driver on March 08, 2006, 12:01:47 AM
God had just finished creating the universe and everything in it, and had two things left in his "Universe Creation Bag." 

He goes to Adam and Eve and says, "I have two things left that I haven't distributed, and I think you would like them.  The first is the ability to pee standing up..."

"Ooh, ooh, I want that!  I'd really like that!  Can I please have that?", shouts Adam.

"Sure", says God, and Adam runs all over the garden, peeing on everything. 

"What's left?", asks Eve.

"Multiple orgasms."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Firegirl on March 08, 2006, 12:33:22 AM
Funny!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on March 08, 2006, 03:05:22 AM
HA HA, funny.

Hey, I just realized something G-Driver! ???

Shouldn't your avatar be a Gulfstream??? . . . I mean, . . . well. . . you know....
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Gulfstream Driver on March 08, 2006, 07:00:18 AM
I thought it'd be cool if I had a pic that I took.  Haven't had a camera in hand when I've been around Gulfstreams.  I was in Park Rapids when two of 3M's G3's came in.  That was pretty cool, but, alas, no camera. 
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on March 08, 2006, 01:56:08 PM
The dog's diary:

7 am - Oh boy! A walk! My favorite!

8 am- Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!

9 am- Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!

Noon- Oh boy! The yard! My favorite!

2 pm- Oh boy! A car ride! My favorite!

3 pm- Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!

4 pm- Oh boy! Playing ball! My favorite!

6 pm- Oh boy! Welcome home Mom! My favorite!

7 pm- Oh boy! Welcome home Dad! My favorite!

8 pm- Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!

9 pm- Oh boy! Tummy rubs on the couch! My favorite!

11 pm- Oh boy! Sleeping in my people's bed! My favorite!


The cat's diary:

Day 183 of my captivity...

My captors continued to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from clawing the furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another house plant.

Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded. Maybe I should try this at the top of the stairs.

In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair - must try this on their bed.

Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little kitty cat I was. This is not working according to plan.

There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary confinement throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More important, I overheard that my confinement was due to my powers of inducing something called "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit.

The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant. He speaks with them regularly, and I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait.

It's only a matter of time.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: MO on March 08, 2006, 02:08:10 PM

Geeesh... Thanks Jinx! I certainly look at my cat under a different light now...

(Good one, by the way!)

Saludos!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: chuckar101 on March 08, 2006, 07:01:01 PM
Thats why the cats stay outside and the dogs are allowed inside.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: fireflyr on March 09, 2006, 02:48:28 PM
Thats why the cats stay outside and the dogs are allowed inside.

YA THINK!   :P

Animals in this house aren't allowed anything---they believe they are entitled!

I share my bed with a tall brunette, an old cat who thinks she owns the bed, and 2 Jack Russells who take up more room than a pony.
Occasionally, someone gets pushed off the bed and it's usually me.
If they made a bed larger than King Size, I'd buy one.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: chuckar101 on March 09, 2006, 09:45:39 PM
Yeah I have the same problem except its a twin size and all there is, is me and a fat Brittny Spaniel.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Ted_Stryker on March 09, 2006, 10:50:16 PM
From our Boeing - Take Your Kid to Work Day event  ;D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Gulfstream Driver on March 10, 2006, 04:54:40 AM
Animals in this house aren't allowed anything---they believe they are entitled!

I know people you could say that about, too.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on March 10, 2006, 05:20:56 AM
HA HA!
That's a great one Ted!

Makes me wonder what you guys do there at work....
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Frank N. O. on March 11, 2006, 05:54:40 AM
LOL cats, gotta love them! I look at Garfield and Buckles every day :)

I have a cut-out Garfield-strip from the newspaper on the wall:
Jon: When shall I wake you up? Garfield, out of bed, hands on Jon's collar and looking him dead in the eyes with an evil expression like only a cat can do: When you're feeling really brave! Next panel: That should give me the millenium-kingdom. I just love that one :D

Great classic picture too :D

I've attached one I found somewhere, however I can't find it again on the listed site but they do have a big list of written aviation humour though.
I just love that joke, it's almost Chuck-worthy isn't it? :D

Frank
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Gulfstream Driver on March 11, 2006, 06:02:05 PM
I got this in an email a few months ago.  Feel free to remove it if it's too long.

Inspector Carl N Frank

Flight Standards District Office

Oklahoma City, OK


Dear Mr. Frank:


Here is the letter you asked me to send you about my flight back in December. First of all, I would like to thank that very nice, older fellow you had with you yesterday, you know, the one who took my student pilot's license and told me I wouldn't need it any more. I guess that means that he is giving me my full-fledged pilot's license. After all that happened yesterday, I have earned it. You should watch that fellow though. After I told him about the flight, he seemed quite nervous and his hands were shaking. He said he had never heard anything like it before.


Anyhow, here is what happened. The weather has been so bad here in Ardmore since I soloed last week that I had not been able to go flying. But yesterday I wasn't about to let low ceilings and visibility, and a little freezing drizzle stop me from flying up to Oklahoma City and back. I was pretty proud of having soloed in only 6 hours, so I invited John Winters, my next door neighbor, to go with me. We planned to fly up to Oklahoma City Will Rogers airport, which, as you know, is less than 100 miles from Ardmore. There is this excellent restaurant on Meridian just north of I-40 that serves absolutely wonderful char broiled steaks and the greatest mixed drinks.


Well, on the way to the airport the road was icy and our car slid in the ditch. I can see why they say that the most dangerous part of a trip is the drive to the airport. My neighbor was a little concerned about the weather, but when I reminded him once again about those steaks and the booze that we would soon be enjoying, he seemed much happier.


When we arrived at the airport there were still a few snow showers around but the freezing drizzle had almost stopped. I checked the weather and was assured that it was solid IFR all the way. I was delighted the weather was so good. When I talked to the man who runs the airport, I found out that the airplane I had been flying was covered with ice. You can imagine my disappointment. Just then a friendly young line boy suggested that I take one of the airplanes that was in the hanger. I told him to pull one out. I saw immediately that it was very much like the Cessna 150 I have been flying. I think he called it a 337. he told me it was also made by Cessna. I noticed right away that it had two tails, but I didn't say anything because, well, I was in a hurry. Oh yes, it had a spare engine too.


I unlocked the door and we climbed in. I began looking for the place to put the key. Now I don't want to get anyone in trouble, but it shouldn't be necessary to get out the airplane manual and follow the checklist just to fly an airplane. That's ridiculous. I never saw so many dials and needles and knobs and handles and switches. As we both know, they have simplified this a lot in the 150. I forgot to mention that I did file a flight plan with the guy in the tower, he said I would need to because of the weather.


When I told him I was flying a pressurized Skymaster (that's what it said on the control wheel) he said it was all right to go up Victor-163 all the way. I don't know why he called it a victor, I guess that's just his pet name for an interstate highway. And besides, it is I-35 not 163. But those fellows try to do a good job. They told me a lot of other stuff too, but you know how much red tape there is when you deal with the government.


The takeoff was one of my best, and as I carefully left the pattern just the way the book says it should be done, I noticed that the Skymaster doesn't climb as good as the 150. The tower told me to contact Fort Worth Center. I dialed in the frequency that he gave me but it seemed kind of silly to call them since I wasn't going to Fort Worth. Just then there must have been some kind of emergency because a lot of airline pilots began yelling stuff at the same time and made such a racket that I turned my radio off. You'd think that those professionals would be better trained. I-35 was right under me, and since from that I knew that I was on course, I went right on up into the clouds. After all, it was snowing so hard by now that it was a waste of time to look outside, you could only see about a quarter of a mile. Going into the clouds was a bad thing to do, I realized, since my neighbor undoubtedly wanted to see the scenery, especially the snow cover on the Arbuckle Mountains ahead of us. But everyone has to be disappointed some time, and we pilots have to make the best of it, don't we?


It was pretty much smooth flying, and with the ice and snow that seemed to be forming all over the windshield, there wasn't much to see. I will say that I handled the controls quite easily for a pilot of only six hours.


My computer and pencils fell out of my shirt pocket once, but sometimes these things happen I am told. I don't expect you to believe this, but one time my pocket watch was standing straight up on its chain. That was pretty funny, and I asked my neighbor to look, but he just kept staring straight ahead with sort of a glassy look in his eyes. I figured that he was afraid of heights, like all non-pilots are. By the way, something was wrong with the altimeter. It kept winding and unwinding all the time.


Finally I decided we had flown about long enough to be in Oklahoma City. I had it all worked out on my E6B computer. I am a whiz at that computer, but something must have gone wrong with it, since when I came down to look for the airport there wasn't anything there except a lot of houses. Those weather people had sure been wrong too. It was real marginal conditions, with a ceiling of about 100 feet. You just can't trust anybody in this business except yourself, right? Why, there were even thunderstorms going on, with an occasional bolt of lightning. I decided that my neighbor should see how beautiful it was, and the way the lightning seemed to turn that snow on the roof tops all yellow; and the roof tops were so close that it looked like you could just reach out and touch them. But I guess he was asleep, having gotten over his fear of height, and I didn't want to wake him up.


Anyway, just then I had an emergency. The front engine ran out of gas. It really didn't worry me since I had read the book, and knew right where the other ignition switch was. I just fired up the spare engine on the back and we kept on going. This business of having two engines one in front and one in back, is really a safety factor. If one quits, the other is right back there ready to go. Maybe all airplanes should have two engines. You might suggest this and get an award (we could split the cash). As pilot-in-command, I take my responsibilities very seriously. It was apparent that I would have to go down lower and keep a sharp eye in such bad weather. I was glad that my neighbor was asleep because it was pretty dark under the cloud, and if it hadn't been for the lightning flashes it would have been hard to read the road signs through the ice on the windshield. The landing lights were not very bright either. You would think they would have melted the ice that covered them but they didn't. Several cars ran off the road when we passed, and you can sure see what then mean about flying being a lot safer than driving.


To make a long story short, I finally spotted Tinker Air Force Base, and since we were already late for cocktails and dinner, I decided to land there. It being an Air Force base, I knew it had plenty of runway, and I could already see a red-colored light in the control tower, so I knew they were still celebrating Christmas and we were welcome. Somebody told me that you can always talk to these military people on the international emergency frequency, so I tried it, but you wouldn't believe the language I heard. Those people ought to be straightened out by somebody, and I would like to complain as a taxpayer. Evidently they were expecting somebody to come in and land, because they kept talking about clearing the airspace for some damned stupid, incompetent SOB up in the clouds.

I wanted to be helpful so I landed on the taxiway to be out of the way in case that other fellow needed the runway. A lot of people came running out waving at us. It was pretty evident that they had never seen a Skymaster land on a taxiway before. That general with the nasty temper was real mad about something. I tried to explain to him in a reasonable manner that I didn't think the tower operator should be swearing at that guy up there, but his face was so red that I think he must have a drinking problem.


Well, that's about all. After your two FAA inspectors left, the weather got really bad so I got one of the Air Force guys to drive me to where I could rent a car and drive back home. I never did get my steak and drinks. My neighbor stayed there at the hospital in Oklahoma City. He can't write you a letter just yet because he's still not awake. Poor fellow, he must have the flu or something. Let me know if you need anything else, and by the way, send my new pilot's license airmail special delivery.


Very truly yours,

Thurman J. Mudbojne
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: MO on March 11, 2006, 07:08:03 PM
Another long post... It was sent to me by a good friend:

A little known fact is the origin of the word, "Aviator." In the immortal words of Johnny Carson: "I didn't know that."                 
                                                                           
Phu Khen (pronounced Foo Ken) 1169-? is considered by some to be the most under-recognized military officer in history.  Many have never heard of his contributions to modern military warfare. The mission of this secret society is to bring honor to the name of Phu Khen.                 
                                                                           
A 'Khen' was a subordinate to a 'Khan' (pronounced 'konn') in the military structure of the Mongol hordes. Khan is Turkish for leader.  Most know of the great Genghis Khan, but little has been written of his chain of command.   

Khen is also of Turkish origin.  Although there is not a word in English that adequately conveys the meaning. Roughly translated, it means, "One who will do the impossible, while appearing unprepared and complaining constantly."                                 
                                                                           
Phu Khen was one of ten Khens that headed the divisions, or groups of hordes, as they were known, of the Mongol Army serving under Genghis Khan. His abilities came to light during the Mongols' raids on the Turkistan city of Bohicaroo.  Bohicans were fierce warriors and the city was well fortified. The entire city was protected by huge walls and the hordes were at a standoff with the Bohicans.  Bohicaroo was well-stocked and it would be difficult to wait them out.  Genghis Khan assembled his Khens and ordered each of them to develop a plan for penetrating the defenses of Bohicaroo.
                                                           
Operation Achieve Victory (AV) was born. All 10 divisions of Khens submitted their plan. After reviewing AV plans 1 thru 7 and finding them all unworkable or ridiculous, Genghis Khan was understandably upset. It was with much perspiration that Phu Khen submitted his idea, which came to be known as AV 8.  Upon seeing AV 8, Genghis was convinced this was the perfect plan and gave his immediate approval. The plan was beautifully simple.  Phu Khen would arm his hordes to the teeth, load them into catapults, and hurl them over the wall. The losses were expected to be high, but hey, hordes were cheap! Those that survived the flight would engage the enemy in combat.  Those that did not?  Well, surely their flailing bodies would cause some damage.                                 
                                                                           
The plan worked and the Bohicans were defeated.  From that day on, whenever the Mongol Army encountered an insurmountable enemy, Genghis Khan would give the order, "Send some of  Phu Khen's AV 8-ers." This is believed, though not by anyone outside our secret society, to be the true origin of the word Aviator (AV 8-er).
                                                                   
Phu Khen's AV 8-ers were understandably an unruly mob, not likely to be socially acceptable.  Many were heavy drinkers and insomniacs.  But when nothing else would do, you could always count on an AV 8-er.  A Phu Khen Aviator.  Denied, perhaps rightfully so, his place in history, Phu Khen has been, nonetheless, immortalized in prose. 
                                                                             
As the great poet Norman Lear never once said:                           
                                                                           
"There once was a man named Phu Khen, Whose breakfast was whiskey and gin. 
Whene'er he'd fly, He'd give a mighty war cry: Bend over, here it comes again."                                   

Consider it an honor to be a Phu Khen Aviator.  Wear the mantle proudly, but speak of it cautiously.  It is not always popular to be one of us.  You hear mystical references, often hushed whispers, to 'those Phu Khen Aviators.'  Do not let these things bother you.  As with any secret society, we go largely misunderstood, prohibited by our apathy from explaining ourselves.                                                                                                                             

You are expected to always live down to the reputation of the Phu Khen Aviator...a reputation cultivated for centuries, undaunted by scorn or ridicule, unhindered by progress.  So drink up, be crude, sleep late, urinate in public, and get the job done.                                     

When others are offended, you can revel in the knowledge that...             
                                                                           
YOU are a PHU KHEN AVIATOR!


Cheers!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Frank N. O. on March 13, 2006, 03:34:00 PM
ROFL, I read that story for the first time a long time ago and I actually thought it was a real letter at first but there's no way that one person did all that in one flight although I do believe that there have been so-called aviators that have done some of things but only one at a time, hopefully. When I first read Mr. Frank I though, what is it something for me? Then I recognized it :D

And MO, that one is new to me, and ROFL at that one too :D

Thanks for sharing  :D
Frank
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on March 13, 2006, 07:22:22 PM
A couple was invited to a masked costume Halloween party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his Batman costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain, and, as it was still early, decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought he would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when he was not with him. She put on her Goldilock's costume.

So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he cuddle and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.

After some more to drink he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little quickie in the back seat. Just before unmasking, she slipped away and went home and put her costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening."

"You must have looked really silly wearing that Batman costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm. To which the husband replied, actually, I gave my Batman costume to your Dad. Apparently he had a whale of a time. He told me he got lucky with a hottie in a Goldilock's outfit"

Moral of the story: Women should not try to sneak up on their man
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Gulfstream Driver on March 13, 2006, 08:07:11 PM
eeeewwwww
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Ted_Stryker on March 13, 2006, 10:12:39 PM
A short pilot film.....

http://www.hackermovies.de/moviefiles/HM_RacingBeats.wmv


 ::) ;D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Gulfstream Driver on March 13, 2006, 11:06:18 PM
That's great! :D :D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Ted_Stryker on March 13, 2006, 11:12:32 PM
That's great! :D :D

:D  Glad you like it!  I was rolling when I saw it the first time :D

I've got some others I'll have to post here tomorrow :)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Gulfstream Driver on March 13, 2006, 11:52:36 PM
Good deal.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on March 14, 2006, 01:08:59 AM

:D  Glad you like it!  I was rolling when I saw it the first time :D


HA HA AWESOME!! That's what I just did! :D (imagine me holding my belly as we speak)
He's even got the wheels cocked against the direction of the spin just like in a real car....
 :D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Frank N. O. on March 14, 2006, 05:31:10 AM
Ah so that's where that movie came from, the place I saw it first didn't have the start+finish titles on, so this is actually not made by a pro company but private people? That's even more impressive! (even though of course I know that private people can have skills to rival pros but pros normally have a lot of helpful resources that can make a big difference).

Frank
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Ted_Stryker on March 14, 2006, 06:10:49 PM
 ;D  I love the little finishing touch of the landging gear collapse at the end too  ;D

Those guys sure know how to put together a great film!

Here's one for those of you with a new computer mouse  ;D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Ted_Stryker on March 14, 2006, 06:11:53 PM
Got milk?
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Callisto on March 14, 2006, 07:40:09 PM
I know these have been traveling the internet for years... but they are funny:

What is brown and sticky? A stick.

What has 4 legs is big, green, fuzzy, and if fell out of a tree would kill you? A pool table.

Why do elephants paint their toenails red? To hide in Cherry trees. Have you ever seen an elephant in a Cherry tree? The nail polish must be working.

If you're dusting a room to remove dust, what do you call it when you try to add dust? Isn't that dusting???

If there is no such thing as a stupid question, what is this?

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous

If I could eat two sugars at once, would that make me ambidextrose?

Why does everybody say it's the quiet ones you need to look out for? I'm worried about that very pissed and very loud man in the middle of the street with a chainsaw and a shotgun.

Eagles may soar, but weasels do not get sucked into jet engines.

The early bird gets the worm, but it still has to eat worms!

The second mouse gets the cheese.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Callisto on March 14, 2006, 07:40:57 PM
Why Engineers Don't Write Recipe Books:

Chocolate Chip Cookies:

Ingredients:

532.35 cm3 gluten
4.9 cm3 NaHCO3
4.9 cm3 refined halite
236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11
177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11
4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde
Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein
473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao
236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)

To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients one, two and three with constant agitation. In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is homogenous. To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the homogenous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add ingredient nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction.

Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston's first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown. Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25C heat-transfer table, allowing the product to come to equilibrium.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Ted_Stryker on March 14, 2006, 07:50:11 PM
Why Engineers Don't Write Recipe Books:

Chocolate Chip Cookies:

Ingredients:

532.35 cm3 gluten
4.9 cm3 NaHCO3
4.9 cm3 refined halite
236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11
177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11
4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde
Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein
473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao
236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)

To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients one, two and three with constant agitation. In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is homogenous. To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the homogenous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add ingredient nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction.

Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston's first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown. Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25C heat-transfer table, allowing the product to come to equilibrium.

Excellent!!!   ;D  Thanks for sharing!  ;D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Ted_Stryker on March 14, 2006, 10:28:54 PM
Overheard on the radio around Lambert, St. Louis back in the days of TWA...


TWA Flt XYZ: "St. Louis, Trans World XYZ, outer marker inbound, over."

.... no response.....

TWA Flt XYZ (a little more loudly):
"St. Louis, Trans World XYZ, outer marker inbound, over!"

..... again... no response....

TWA Flt XYZ (a tad bit louder still): "St. Louis, Trans World XYZ, outer marker inbound, over!"

STL Tower: "Trans World XYZ standby!  We're changing controllers over here!"

.... a brief pause...

Unknown ID: "So, what do you use?  Huggies, or Pampers?"
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Callisto on March 14, 2006, 11:48:06 PM
Children's books that never made it:

1. You Are Different and That's Bad
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
3. Dad's New Wife Robert
4. Fun Four-letter Words to Know and Share
5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do Book
6. The Kid's Guide to Hitchhiking
7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
9. All Cats go to Hell
10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
11. Some Kittens Can Fly
12. That's it, I'm Putting You up for Adoption
13. Grandpa Gets a Casket
14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
16. The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy
17. Strangers Have the Best Candy
18. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
19. You Were an Accident
20. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
21. Pop! Goes the Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games
22. The Man in the Moon is Actually Satan
23. Your Nightmares Are Real
24. Where Would You Like to be Buried?
25. Eggs, Toilet Paper and Your School
26. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Mrs. Electrical Outlet be Friends?
27. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
28. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on March 15, 2006, 12:29:34 AM
HA HA!!!
My personal favorite (reminds me of my CFI days):

"If there is no such thing as a stupid question, what is this?"

LMAO :D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: C310RCaptian on March 15, 2006, 03:42:12 PM
I find this one soooo true...

How does anyone know they are on a date with a pilot?     They will tell you!

How do they  know the date is half over?       They will say " Well thats enough about me lets talk about flying..."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Frank N. O. on March 15, 2006, 05:14:00 PM
Classics Captain, and here are some more in the same genre since I know the guys and gals here can see the joke in them :)

Q: What's the difference between a pig and a pilot?
A: A pig doesn't become a pilot when it gets drunk.

Q: What's the difference between god and a pilot?
A: God doesn't think he's a pilot.

Q: What does a pilote use as birth-control?
A: His personality!
(Seriously, I wonder how that goes for women pilots? I've both heard about men being scared and drawn to capable and intelligent women, ok back to the jokes, also partly in relation to female pilotes)

"Time's change, now a flight attendant can make a pilot pregnant."

Frank
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Ted_Stryker on March 15, 2006, 05:17:52 PM
Cockpit accessorizing....

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Stef on March 16, 2006, 11:30:57 AM
Hahaha! This is great!!! But who in his right mind would go through all the trouble and then have "LITE" beer in the cockpit?! ;D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Ted_Stryker on March 16, 2006, 02:28:14 PM
Hahaha! This is great!!! But who in his right mind would go through all the trouble and then have "LITE" beer in the cockpit?! ;D

Hmm... maybe he was concerned with W&B :) :D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Callisto on March 16, 2006, 04:42:45 PM
Hahaha! This is great!!! But who in his right mind would go through all the trouble and then have "LITE" beer in the cockpit?! ;D

Hmm... maybe he was concerned with W&B :) :D

True... after all is Less Filling... I'm ignoring the first part of that saying.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: fireflyr on March 16, 2006, 05:22:09 PM
NEAT PICTURE TED!   ;D

Have a question----What aircraft is that?   Almost looks like an early Commander but the airspeed limits don't look right and it shows left and right fuel guages---I'm stumped! :P :P
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Ted_Stryker on March 16, 2006, 05:40:32 PM
NEAT PICTURE TED!   ;D

Have a question----What aircraft is that?   Almost looks like an early Commander but the airspeed limits don't look right and it shows left and right fuel guages---I'm stumped! :P :P

I'm not sure what kind of aircraft that is... I think I ran across the photo in AVWeb's Picture Of The Week.  I'll see if I can't dig up some info on it.  If I find out, I'll let everyone know :)  I do recall that it was something about needing a temporary handle for a throttle or mixture lever... and that's what the guy slapped on there during a mod... can you imagine if he got ramp checked what the FAA guy would say if he left it in there! :D

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Ted_Stryker on March 16, 2006, 07:16:28 PM
NEAT PICTURE TED!   ;D

Have a question----What aircraft is that?   Almost looks like an early Commander but the airspeed limits don't look right and it shows left and right fuel guages---I'm stumped! :P :P

Aha!  I found the source on it and tracked down the info.  I was in error in my earlier description in that it's not on throttle or mixture.... it's on the de-ice control... eheheh....

Anyway... it's on a B-25!  At least that's what the source for the photo says.  It was from AVWeb's Picture of the Week Contest.... here's the link for it....

http://www.avweb.com/newswire/12_04b/potw/191469-1.html

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on March 16, 2006, 09:25:22 PM
And here another joke. I know Fireflyer probably knows this one but I am the faster posterer (or how do you say? "poster child"?)



 Subject:  Rent is Due!

 A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend
 the afternoon with her for $500. They did their thing,
 and, before he left, he told her that he did not have
 any cash with him, but he would have his
 secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling
 the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."

 On the way to the office, he regretted what he had
 done, realizing that the whole event had not been
 worth the price. So he had his secretary send a check
 for $250 and enclose the following typed note:

 "Dear Madam Enclosed find a check for $250 for rent of your apartment.
 I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the place,
 I was under the impression that - it had never been occupied - there was
 plenty of heat; and- it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at
 home However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that
 there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large."

 Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately
 returned the check for $250 with the following note:

 "Dear Sir:

 First, I cannot understand how you could expect a
 beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
 As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know
 how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment
 is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have
 enough
 furniture to fill it, please do not blame the
 management.

 Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to
 contact your present landlady
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Ted_Stryker on March 18, 2006, 12:06:09 AM
BABY PLANES

A mother and her son were flying on Southwest Airlines. The son, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the stewardess. So, the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" The boy said, "Yes, she did." "Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that to you."

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: fireflyr on March 18, 2006, 01:16:06 AM
"PULLS OUT IN TIME"  HAHAHA!!!!   Liked that Ted!!!!!

Mike, ya beat me cause I was remembering how my first "landlady" got a similar message and I immediatly contracted "AIDS" thus leading to my financial demise.   The thought of living in the parking lot at KOAK and showering in the pilots lounge took me on a sentimental journey.
If any of you young professional pilots out there are still single, look for a woman who makes great money and remember what my Grandpa used to say;   "Marry a woman with big hands, it makes your P****R look bigger"!

Jim
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Gulfstream Driver on March 18, 2006, 02:47:09 AM
"Marry a woman with big hands, it makes your P****R look bigger"!

Wouldn't that be the other way around?
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: fireflyr on March 18, 2006, 05:08:33 AM
OH GOD, -----I got it backward------I've had entirely mor than you thinkle peep I ought to---It's st Patty's day ---or something11
I hate when that happensh

SMALL HANDS---SMALL HANDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :'(
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on March 18, 2006, 08:54:50 PM
Jim Jim Jim the posiblitishth to raeyll methsh wif yoush are unbeleivabel.....(still cellibrating st. patty's!)

Harry came into the office an hour late for the third time in a week. "What's the story this time, Harry?" his boss asked sarcastically. "Let's hear a good excuse for a change."
Harry sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, boss.
The wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the draw bridge got stuck.
I swam across the river--see, my suit's still damp--ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Trump's helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes."
"You'll have to do better than that, Harry," said the boss. "No woman can get ready in ten minutes!"
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on March 18, 2006, 08:55:45 PM
Wally's wedding night At 85 years of age, Wally married Lou Anne, a lovely 25 year old.
Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their wedding she and Wally should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Wally, her 85 year old groom, ready for action.

They unite as one. All goes well, Wally takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Wally. Again he is ready for more "action".

Somewhat surprised, Lou Anne consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Wally kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Wally is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more "action".

And, once again they enjoy each other.

But as Wally gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often.

I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Wally."

Wally, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says:
.........."You mean I was here already?"
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on March 18, 2006, 08:57:00 PM
It was a lively night in the revival tent, and Reverend Johnson was gripped with the power of the Spirit.

"I tell you all, the Lord is with us tonight! I can feel His power running through me! There's gonna be a healing tonight! Who needs healing?! Stand up, and tell the audience your name!"

A stooped old woman slowly struggled to her feet with the assistance of her crutches. "Reverend, my name is Mrs. Smith, and I have always had to use these crutches to walk."

"Well, sister, come on up here, and feel the healing power of the Lord!"

As she slowly made her way to the stage, a young man stood up. "Reverend, my name ith Mithter Joneth, and I have alwaith thpoken with a lithp."

"Well, Mr. Jones, come up to the stage and stand next to Mrs. Smith!"

"Now, Mrs. Smith," said the preacher, putting his hands on her head, "feel the *power* of the Lord!" The preacher quivered for a moment, then said, "Now, Mrs. Smith, go behind that screen and pray to the Lord, and you shall be healed!" Mrs. Smith painfully walked behind the screen with on her crutches.

"Mr. Jones, feel the power of the Lord," said the preacher, again placing his hands on the head of the subject. After quivering even more than the first time, he said, "Mister Jones, go behind that screen and pray with Mrs. Smith!"

There was a soft murmur from the crowd as the minutes slowly ticked by, the preacher alternately gazing up to the sky, wringing his hands, and pacing back and forth in a near frenzy. Finally, he spoke.

"Mrs. Smith! I want you to throw your left crutch over the screen!" The audience gasped as the left crutch sailed over the screen and clattered on the stage.

"Now, Mrs. Smith, I want you to throw your right crutch over the screen!" The audience cheered loudly as the right crutch came flying over the screen.

"Now, Mr. Jones, say something in a loud, clear voice so everyone can hear you!"

"MITTITH SMITH JUTH FELL ON HER ATH!"
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Frank N. O. on March 18, 2006, 09:33:47 PM
In case it hasn't been posted, and with the Top Gun conversation: "Ice Man The Later Years" (Val Kilmer was only in Top Gun due to contract obligations which might explain why he did this bit, he was also a host on SNL).

http://www.usafitz.com/SupportingPages/iceman.htm

Frank
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Gulfstream Driver on March 18, 2006, 09:52:39 PM
 :D  That was awesome!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on March 19, 2006, 02:58:11 AM
Ohhh...my...god....!!!
How funny is that?!?!
I was rolling on the floor laughing!!! :D

but wait! isn't this in the wrong thread?
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Callisto on March 19, 2006, 04:01:01 AM
 ;D ;D ;D That was great! Awesome find!!!

It's funny to see celbs with a sense of humor about them selves.  Tom would never have done that... he seems pretty stuck up.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: fireflyr on March 20, 2006, 11:51:54 AM
HAHAHA ;D ;D ;D

LMAO, Val Kilmer is funny!!   Love SNL!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Ted_Stryker on March 20, 2006, 04:45:32 PM
Love that SNL Clip!

Can you imagine Iceman and Capt. Oveur in the same cockpit!  ;D ;D ;D

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on March 20, 2006, 05:17:54 PM
A man goes to the doctor for his yearly checkup. Doctor tells him he's sterile. Guy says, "But doc..you must be mistaken.. my wife is six months pregnant with my kid.. I can't be sterile."
Doctor says, "I have a friend that hunts. Every year, never fails. One day he goes out to hunt and he comes across a beaver's dam. He settles in and waits, and eventually, he spots the beaver coming out of the water. He goes to take aim, but realizes that instead of his gun, he had accidentally brought his umbrella. Frustrated at the beauty of the shot, but lack of ability to follow through, he pretends to take aim and shouts, 'BANG!'. And wouldn't you know it, the beaver falls over dead right there. Now how do you suppose that hapepned?"
The guy says, "Well, I'd have to say someone else shot that beaver."
Doc says, "My point exactly."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on March 20, 2006, 05:18:37 PM
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over.

"So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"

"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Callisto on March 20, 2006, 05:42:02 PM
Love that SNL Clip!

Can you imagine Iceman and Capt. Oveur in the same cockpit!  ;D ;D ;D



 :D That would be so dangerous
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: C310RCaptian on March 20, 2006, 09:50:17 PM
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda."There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
 Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."

What a way to go.....
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: fireflyr on March 21, 2006, 03:48:57 PM
Love that SNL Clip!

Can you imagine Iceman and Capt. Oveur in the same cockpit!  ;D ;D ;D



I can just see it---"so, tell me Iceman, have you ever been to a Turkish Bath??"
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on March 21, 2006, 05:18:07 PM
Love that SNL Clip!

Can you imagine Iceman and Capt. Oveur in the same cockpit!  ;D ;D ;D



I can just see it---"so, tell me Iceman, have you ever been to a Turkish Bath??"

Looking at the locker room scene in Top Gun I am sure Iceman can answer this question as well:

"Have you ever seen a grown man naked?"


HA HA !! :D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Ted_Stryker on March 21, 2006, 05:34:07 PM
Love that SNL Clip!

Can you imagine Iceman and Capt. Oveur in the same cockpit!  ;D ;D ;D



I can just see it---"so, tell me Iceman, have you ever been to a Turkish Bath??"

Looking at the locker room scene in Top Gun I am sure Iceman can answer this question as well:

"Have you ever seen a grown man naked?"


HA HA !! :D

LOL!!!!!  I would imagine that locker room would clear quick when they hear "Aww... Iceman's a boy dog!"  :o ;D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on March 21, 2006, 05:43:53 PM
especially when someone asks "do you like it when he grabs on to your leg and rubs up and down on it?" YYYEAH! there's a visual for ya!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: fireflyr on March 21, 2006, 06:21:28 PM
Love that SNL Clip!

Can you imagine Iceman and Capt. Oveur in the same cockpit!  ;D ;D ;D



I can just see it---"so, tell me Iceman, have you ever been to a Turkish Bath??"

Looking at the locker room scene in Top Gun I am sure Iceman can answer this question as well:

"Have you ever seen a grown man naked?"


HA HA !! :D

LOL!!!!! I would imagine that locker room would clear quick when they hear "Aww... Iceman's a boy dog!" :o ;D

I like my counselor Troy visual better---
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Ted_Stryker on March 21, 2006, 06:24:06 PM
Love that SNL Clip!

Can you imagine Iceman and Capt. Oveur in the same cockpit!  ;D ;D ;D



I can just see it---"so, tell me Iceman, have you ever been to a Turkish Bath??"

Looking at the locker room scene in Top Gun I am sure Iceman can answer this question as well:

"Have you ever seen a grown man naked?"


HA HA !! :D

LOL!!!!! I would imagine that locker room would clear quick when they hear "Aww... Iceman's a boy dog!" :o ;D

I like my counselor Troy visual better---

:) :)  Me too.... in it's original form too :) :)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on March 22, 2006, 04:14:39 PM
Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out....
"Pa!  You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."

Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."

So......Pa mosies out to the outhouse,  looks around and yells back,
"Ma!  There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!  "

Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"

Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!"

Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."

So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back,
"Ma!  There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"

Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"

Pa proceeds to pull his head out of  the hole, then starts yelling,
"Ma! Help!  My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"

To which Ma replies, "Hurt's, don't it ?!"
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on March 22, 2006, 04:16:43 PM
At a world brewing conventio n , the CEOs of various brewing organizations
retired to the bar at the end of each day's conference.

Bruce, CEO of Fosters, shouted to the Barman: "In 'Strylya, we make the best bloody beer in the world, so pour me a bloody Fosters, mate."

Auggie, CEO of Budweiser, calls out next: "In the States, we brew the finest beers of the world, and I make the king of them all, gimme a Bud."

Hans steps up next: "In Germany ve invented das beer , ferdamit. Give me ein Becks, ya ist der real King of beers, danke."

Paddy, CEO of Guinness, steps forward: "Barman, would ya give me a diet coke with ice and lemon? Thanks." The others stare at him in stunned silence, amazement written all over their faces.

Eventually Bruce asks: "Are you not going to have a Guinness, Pat?"

Paddy replies "Well, if you fool pansies aren't adrinkin', then neither am I."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Frank N. O. on March 22, 2006, 05:29:18 PM
Ok to answer an old question first: I posted the video here since it's a joke on Top Gun and I wasn't sure it belonged there.

Btw, as mentioned before then Val Kilmer didn't want to do Top Gun so it was easy to make fun of it I guess, maybe even welcome as a payback :D

Him and Over in the same cockpit? Oh dear god almighty on horseback!!!

Btw, speaking of women I just remembered that there is already a flying babe (I use the term babe with all due respect to looks and capabilities alike so it's not meant offensively but on the contrary as a term of a very capable wonderful woman) around, and her callsign is really close to one already mentioned tons of times: Ice!

Frank
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: fireflyr on March 24, 2006, 10:43:14 AM
OMIGOD plyhijnx,

"hurts don't it"  put me over the LMAO threshold---must be the visual I conjured!    It's 0241 and my wife yelled at me for laughing so loud it woke her up----I blamed you, of course.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on March 24, 2006, 06:14:03 PM
OMIGOD plyhijnx,

"hurts don't it"  put me over the LMAO threshold---must be the visual I conjured!    It's 0241 and my wife yelled at me for laughing so loud it woke her up----I blamed you, of course.

LOL! yeah, i'll take the blame on that one!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on March 24, 2006, 06:16:23 PM
At the Olympics, the US wrestler was about to start his match with the defending world champion, a Russian wrestler renown for his "pretzel hold". The American coach told his wrestler " Don't let him get you in the pretzel hold. No one has been able to get out of it, and everyone he's gotten in the pretzel hold has been pinned."

In the middle of the second period, the Russian got the American in the pretzel hold. The American coach couldn't bear to watch. He went to the locker room to wait for his wrestler. Soon, to his surprise, he heard the Star Spangled Banner being played. He ran to the podium and saw his wrestler receive the gold medal. When he came down off the podium, the coach asked what happened.

"well, he got me in the pretzel hold", the wrestler answered, " and I was trying to stay off my back, when I saw a pair of testicles hanging down, right in front of my face."
"What did you do?" asked the coach.
"I did the only thing I could - I bit them. You wouldn't believe the rush of energy you get when you bite your own boys!"
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Frank N. O. on March 24, 2006, 06:41:24 PM
Hmmm, me thinks I'm not the only one that listens to internet comedy radio, specifically "The Joke Man" ;)

Frank
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on March 24, 2006, 08:14:55 PM
haven't found that one....what's the URL?
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Frank N. O. on March 24, 2006, 09:14:56 PM
Actually The Joke Man is Jackie Martling's nick-name, he's one of the comics on one the radiostations I listen to, together with Rodney Dangerfield, Bill Cosby, Eddie Murphy, Billy Connolly, Ricky Gervais, Jasper Carrott (no relation to Carrott Top), Ernie G, Emo Philips, John Valby, Ellen DeGeneres, Billy Crystal, Robin Williams etc. etc. etc.

I listen to it via WinAmp, shoutast, Khaha.com it's called, under the catagory: Comedy. A lot of repetition but it mostly helps me keep from thinking of the many bad things in my life I'm trying to get sorted which helps my concentration. Another station I have bookmarked is Radio Nigel, 80's hits!

A great line I hope to be able to use for myself (meaning I hope to be self-employed) is:
"I work for myself now which is nice except when I call in sick I know I'm lying!"
ROFL I think that was Rita Rudner that did that one (also heard on the radio).

And another one:
The maintenance point of view: 
Yes sir, I found the problem, but can't fix it.
Why not?
It was a short circuit between the headset.


Frank
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Ted_Stryker on March 24, 2006, 09:30:19 PM
"I went to look up my family tree.... two dogs were using it!!" - Rodney Dangerfield
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Ted_Stryker on March 24, 2006, 09:31:30 PM
"I tell ya, I don't get no respect!  The last time anyone opened the car door for ME we were on the highway at the time!" - Rodney Dangerfield   ;D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Ted_Stryker on March 24, 2006, 09:36:07 PM
Two more from good 'ol Rodney Dangerfield....

I tell ya, blind dates never work out. I had a blind date. The girl, she showed up, she was pregnant. What do ya say to a girl that`s pregnant? What have you been doing lately? And she told me she had a fight with her boyfriend. I said, "Look, you tell your boyfriend next time you fight, he should knock you down." 
 
-----
I tell ya, my wife, she likes to talk during sex. The other night she called me from a motel.


 ;D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on March 24, 2006, 10:30:32 PM
 :D
Good ol' Rodney! True classics!
He will be missed!! :'(
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: fireflyr on March 26, 2006, 11:52:19 PM
HAHA ;D Thanks Ted'
I've always thought Rodney was under appreciated
Best movie I can remember him in is the one where he goes to college with his son---does the impossible "triple lindy" dive to win the swim meet-----HAHAAAAA :D
He was such a ham!!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Frank N. O. on March 27, 2006, 04:43:33 PM
Yeah Rodney was cool (and actually still is from his recorded performances), at least he lived a long life and actually got respect.

And here's a joke for the sling-wing pilotes.
---
Over Beacon
I heard this from my brother, who is a Search and Rescue pilot at Canadian Forces Base Bagotville, Quebec. It's an apocryphal story that allegedly happened late one night during bad weather, as heard over the tower radio:
Helicopter Pilot: "Roger, I'm holding at 3000 over (such-and-such) beacon".
Second voice: "NO! You can't be doing that! I'm holding at 3000 over that beacon!"
(brief pause)
Helicopter Pilot: "You idiot, you're my co-pilot."
---
There is a real Chuck out there, be very afraid LOL :D

Frank
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Ted_Stryker on March 27, 2006, 05:52:06 PM
HAHA ;D Thanks Ted'
I've always thought Rodney was under appreciated
Best movie I can remember him in is the one where he goes to college with his son---does the impossible "triple lindy" dive to win the swim meet-----HAHAAAAA :D
He was such a ham!!

Glad to see everyone is as enamoured of Rodney as I am :)  He is missed indeed!  I remember seeing him in person when I was living on the east coast and he would do shows in "the Borscht Belt" (aka Catskill Mountain area) at the resorts up there.

Fireflyr, I remember that movie too.  It's one of my favorites.  The line that I think personafied Rodney in that one was when he asked the teacher out on a date and he told her to "Give me a call when you have no class!" :)   

Also loved his character in Caddy Shack :)

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: fireflyr on March 28, 2006, 02:44:06 AM
AWWWW Gawd TED!
"Give me a call when you have no class"   AAHAAAAAHAAAAHAAAA!!!! ;D ;D ;D ;D

I'd forgotten that!!

RODNEY FOREVER!!!!!!!!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on March 28, 2006, 04:15:11 AM
AWWWW Gawd TED!
"Give me a call when you have no class"   AAHAAAAAHAAAAHAAAA!!!! ;D ;D ;D ;D


I just saw that movie the other day!! :)
I really enjoyed it (again, . . .  it hasn't been the first time and won't be the last)
One of my favorite secenes is when he is in class correcting the teacher on how it really works when you build a factory!!  ;)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Ted_Stryker on March 28, 2006, 05:12:36 PM
AWWWW Gawd TED!
"Give me a call when you have no class"   AAHAAAAAHAAAAHAAAA!!!! ;D ;D ;D ;D


I just saw that movie the other day!! :)
I really enjoyed it (again, . . .  it hasn't been the first time and won't be the last)
One of my favorite secenes is when he is in class correcting the teacher on how it really works when you build a factory!!  ;)

:) :)  I think it STILL works that way too! :) :) :) :)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on March 28, 2006, 05:55:26 PM
yeah, ol' Rodney was classic! "awww this is the worst looking hat i ever saw! i bet you buy a hat like that you get a free bowl of soup! *pause looking over to Ted Knight* "oh! looks good on you though!" hehe. yep. ol' Rodney!

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down.
He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.

The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.

The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't
serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a
beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to
belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings."

The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats
the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.

The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to
belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."

The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."
The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate "
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Callisto on March 28, 2006, 11:51:47 PM
The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate "

Awwww...  ::)


 :D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Callisto on March 28, 2006, 11:55:31 PM
(http://www.weathertech.com/ebay_photos/image001.gif)

Blow out the flame before drinking... moron
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Callisto on March 29, 2006, 12:02:19 AM
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad
attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth
was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying
only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to
"clean up" the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at
the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got
angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the
bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly
there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.  Fearing that
he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I
believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm
sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend
to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to
ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the
bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"


I figured this "foul" joke was perfect here!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on March 29, 2006, 04:08:40 PM

Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building. One turns to the other and says, "You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window."

The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.

The second man says, "What are you a nut? There's no way that could happen."

The first man responds, "No it's true. Let me prove it to you." So he gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and careens to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.

The second guy tells him, "You know I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one-time fluke."

The first guy says, "No, I'll prove it again," and again he jumps and hurtles toward the street where the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it.

The second man thinks, "Well why not? It works, I'll try it." So he jumps over the balcony, plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors...and hits the sidewalk with a 'splat!'

Back upstairs the bartender turns to the other drinker and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real mean drunk."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on March 29, 2006, 05:56:42 PM
This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint..it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:1 2 3 4


5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%



and


K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-@-$-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far a%% kissing will take you.

A-%-%-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will
get you there, it's the Bull@$it and A%% kissing that will put you over the top.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Frank N. O. on March 29, 2006, 06:37:40 PM
ROFL Those two are awesome! I've never heard either of them before as well :D

Frank
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Firegirl on March 29, 2006, 07:48:19 PM
HA HA :D

Well, you just can't argue with math, can you?! ;)
It's science!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on March 30, 2006, 04:47:44 PM
Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. One of the students said to his friend: "I'm sure he has Petry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."

The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man.

They approached him and one of the students said to him: "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said: "I'll tell you, but first you'll tell me what you think."

One of the students said: "I think it's Petry Syndrome." The old man said: "You thought.......... but you are wrong."

Then the other student said: "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said: "You thought.......... but you are wrong. So they asked him: "Well, what do you have?" The old man said: "I thought it was GAS...........but I was wrong."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on March 31, 2006, 04:30:20 PM
A young guy was complaining to his boss about the problems he was having with his stubborn girlfriend. "She gets me so angry sometimes I could hit her!" the young man exclaimed.

"Well, I'll tell you what I used to do with my wife" replied the boss. "Whenever she got out of hand, I'd take her pants down and spank her."

Shaking his head the young guy replied, "That doesn't work. Once I get her pants down, I'm not mad anymore."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Ted_Stryker on March 31, 2006, 06:09:14 PM
I knew a guy that was a pilot in a bakery.... he'd take the bread from one corner and pile it in the other!

He got sick of the dough though, and decided to go on the loaf.  He had some crust!  Oh well... at least he would rise to the occassion now and then and be good with buttering people up.

 ::) ;D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: fireflyr on March 31, 2006, 11:00:47 PM
I knew a guy that was a pilot in a bakery.... he'd take the bread from one corner and pile it in the other!

He got sick of the dough though, and decided to go on the loaf. He had some crust! Oh well... at least he would rise to the occassion now and then and be good with buttering people up.

 ::) ;D
GROAN!!!!!!!

Ted, see if the staff will give you a 24 hour pass---or at least make a pass at your nurse! ;D ;D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Ted_Stryker on March 31, 2006, 11:17:44 PM
I knew a guy that was a pilot in a bakery.... he'd take the bread from one corner and pile it in the other!

He got sick of the dough though, and decided to go on the loaf. He had some crust! Oh well... at least he would rise to the occassion now and then and be good with buttering people up.

 ::) ;D
GROAN!!!!!!!

Ted, see if the staff will give you a 24 hour pass---or at least make a pass at your nurse! ;D ;D

Lt. Zip tried that... but Capt. Gennelli was too busy working on his escape tunnel.... and Hurowitz keeps scaring off the nurse with showtunes, otherwise I'd make that pass... and win just one, for the Zipper :)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: fireflyr on April 01, 2006, 12:36:34 AM
 ;D ;DHAAAAAHAHAAAHA
TOO MUCH, STRYKER!!!!!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: fireflyr on April 04, 2006, 03:27:39 PM
Mike,
While you're in Arkansas, find out if it's true that you are still siblings even if you get divorced. ???
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Stef on April 04, 2006, 03:59:29 PM
Sure, if you're still brother and sister...  ;D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Frank N. O. on April 05, 2006, 02:24:56 AM
This one is a bit strange but I found it under aviation humour, I'm sure some have heard it before though.

Cancel IFR
Controller: "Cessna 266, descend and maintain 1,500, cleared for the approach, contact tower at the outer marker." Without realizing that his mike is still open he says, "Watch me kill this S.O.B."

Pilot: "CANCEL IFR! CANCEL IFR!"

-From Frank Ledgerwood in Talefeathers, the newsletter of EAA Chapter 268 in Marietta, GA.

Another Frank

P.S. I know what EAA is but is Chapter another word for region/local branch?
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on April 05, 2006, 04:49:56 AM
Mike,
While you're in Arkansas, find out if it's true that you are still siblings even if you get divorced. ???

Good one, Jim!!
Have you been to Arkansas (pronounced here like "Ar-Kansas") before?

Turns out though that my PSD-manager (trainee) to-be is a very dear friend of mine, so I am actually looking forward to go now! (except the "dry county" part...) ;)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Ted_Stryker on April 05, 2006, 07:49:34 AM
This one is a bit strange but I found it under aviation humour, I'm sure some have heard it before though.

Cancel IFR
Controller: "Cessna 266, descend and maintain 1,500, cleared for the approach, contact tower at the outer marker." Without realizing that his mike is still open he says, "Watch me kill this S.O.B."

Pilot: "CANCEL IFR! CANCEL IFR!"

-From Frank Ledgerwood in Talefeathers, the newsletter of EAA Chapter 268 in Marietta, GA.

Another Frank

P.S. I know what EAA is but is Chapter another word for region/local branch?

A chapter is a local group.  In my area, for instance, there are multiple chapters of the Missouri Pilot's Association.  Each is just another branch, or group location.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: fireflyr on April 05, 2006, 09:22:47 AM
Mike,
While you're in Arkansas, find out if it's true that you are still siblings even if you get divorced. ???

Good one, Jim!!
Have you been to Arkansas (pronounced here like "Ar-Kansas") before?

Turns out though that my PSD-manager (trainee) to-be is a very dear friend of mine, so I am actually looking forward to go now! (except the "dry county" part...) ;)
YEP, Ah spent sum tam ther wif a cussin at a place called 'Buttville' (or something like that) awile back an we was married but since ah wuz leven yars old grampa made us git deevorced!  That's why I axed yu to find out if she's still my cussin!
Don't worry about the dry counties, take a bottle of your favorite hooch and share it with a local---they'll tell you where to get more but if you do get any real "corn likker" be careful, the stuff will remove your stomach lining!
Seriously though, you'll find some really nice people, just don't be kidding around and call somebody a 'SB'---they take that literally as an affront to their mother.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: fireflyr on April 09, 2006, 08:01:31 AM
There's an interesting similarity between ATC controllers and pilots;

If the pilot screws up, the pilot dies.  :-[

If the ATC controller screws up , the pilot dies.   >:(
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: fireflyr on April 09, 2006, 03:25:00 PM
Went to see Ron White ("I had the right to remain silent--------------------------------------But not the ability!")

Funny stuff but raunchy----Anybody else seen this Guy?

He's actually funnier on TV because they clean up the language.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Gulfstream Driver on April 09, 2006, 03:46:14 PM
Only seen him on TV.  I think he's a lot funnier than Larry the Cable Guy.  "Git 'er done" got really, really, really, really old.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on April 09, 2006, 04:32:13 PM
Ron is HILARIOUS! if you have bear share, download "blue collar.avi" it's got some repeat material but it's awesome!

edit: oh and Gulf, they make fun of Larry a few times......
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Frank N. O. on April 09, 2006, 05:09:54 PM
Regarding the ATC then the ATC can also get killed by the surviving familymembers, like a danish ATC that was in the tower at a big disaster in Italy a few years ago I think, a man who lost his wife and children shot the ATC in front of his wife and children as revenge. I'm not quite sure if the ATC was responsible or not so I won't comment on that.

Ron White, Larry the Cable Guy, Bill Engvall and Jeff Foxworthy have been touring as the Blue Collar Comedy Group (or was it Team?). I think they are all funny in their way, like when they had a singing number "I Believe" with Larry on the guitar making some really funny chords and Bill, or Jeff, asked: How old are you? When's your birthday? February 17th. No what year? Every year! ROFL

Now here's a joke that I guarantee you've never heard before, of course I'm not sure how funny you find it though.
In a physics class-room in high-school there was intermission between the two planned hours and two students were talking to each other about a group-project they had. The boy had optional classes so he didn't have the free hour in the school-period that the girl of the team wanted to use for the test.
She said she'd share the results but the boy wanted to participate as not to feel like a thief getting credit so they argumented back and fourth (not in an angry tone but noticeable) then suddently the teacher that was also spending the break at the desk right infront of the two students leaned over and calmly asked: Excuse me but how long have you two been married? Most of the class was also in the room and they all almost fell off their seats of laughter.

I know you've never heard this before because it was a true situation that happend a few years ago and in case you haven't guessed it then I was the boy talking to the girl. It was about the loudest class laughter-session in the three years I went there I can remember so I guess it was funny, most of us were 18-22, I was 19/20 I think, it was a few months before my dad died if I remember correctly. Actually there was a third member of the team that also didn't have the optional classes but he wasn't in the room at the time and it would've made the story too confusing and it wasn't really relevant to the point anyway. The teacher btw was a susbstitute that was from Italy where he'd studied for 20 years in a university but he had a danish wife and spoke pretty good danish too and was calm and friendly. The other italian I've met was two years before when I got a brush up on 10th grade studies to be better abled to get into the student-courses and he was a musician and writer and he was more smiling and lively but also friendly and married to a danish woman.

Frank
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on April 09, 2006, 05:15:07 PM
that's pretty funny frank!


Two elderly women were out driving in a large car. Both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it; I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right through. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on April 10, 2006, 01:48:42 AM
Went to see Ron White ("I had the right to remain silent--------------------------------------But not the ability!")

Funny stuff but raunchy----Anybody else seen this Guy?

He's actually funnier on TV because they clean up the language.


Ron White is one of the best comedians out there as far as I am concerned.
Do you know his routine about where he flies in this little plane and they lose oil pressure?
I almost peed myself the first time I heard it!!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: fireflyr on April 10, 2006, 02:27:49 AM
Went to see Ron White ("I had the right to remain silent--------------------------------------But not the ability!")

Funny stuff but raunchy----Anybody else seen this Guy?

He's actually funnier on TV because they clean up the language.


Ron White is one of the best comedians out there as far as I am concerned.
Do you know his routine about where he flies in this little plane and they lose oil pressure?
I almost peed myself the first time I heard it!!
Whatya mean "almost peed myself"  hell, you had done that the first time I met you, and that was just a long fuel cycle!!!!

Realistically, I love Ron White's routines on TV and don't think I'm a prude, I'm not,  (Mike, I'm sure, will testify to that) but his live act is so filthy that I feel my 90 bucks was wasted on a foul mouth jerk.
I don't feel this public forum is the appropriate place to itemize the offensive behavior this jerk presented onstage last night but I'm certainly within my rights to feel disgruntled,   My dissapointment is personal and you all are free to enjoy whatever spins your cranlshaft!   Remember, opinions are like anuses, and everyone has one. ;D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Ted_Stryker on April 10, 2006, 03:47:03 PM
A policeman stops a carload of nuns along the highway.... as he approaches the car, he sees them all cowering and shaking except for the driver... a nice looking, blue haired nun.

"I'm sorry for stopping you sister, but you were going way too slow for the conditions here.  You were only going 40 miles per hour!" the officer said.

"I forgive you for stopping me, dear." She says.  "But as you can see, the signs clearly say the speed limit is 40.  I just started driving, so I know the rules."

The officer looks around and sees the speed limit sign stating 65MPH.

"I don't know how to tell you this ma'am, but I think you have things a little turned around.  Those signs are the highway number signs... this is highway 40!" the officer tells her

"You mean it's not highway 65?" she asks

"No ma'am.  Uhm... you don't mind my asking why all the other sisters in the car with you are shaking, do you?" he asks

One of the other nuns speaks up..."Officer... we just got off of Highway 115!"

 ;D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Frank N. O. on April 10, 2006, 08:19:41 PM
Well comedy differs from people to people so if you don't like the words he use then sadly for you he just isn't funny, but maybe you can find a more sanitized version of his act if you don't mind him but prefer to have less than 50% of all words be foulmouthed. Hope you find something better and don't loose more money.

About the airplane joke then yes I heard it, using the intercom when he could've just turned around since it was a small plane and not a jetliner.

Another joke of a similar note was from another male comic whose name I can't remember but he was flown in on the helicopter of that multibillionaire businessman that also offered a job in the tv-show, it was for a show in LV and the pilot of this 6 seat heliopcoter said he was now switching off the fasten seatbelt sign leaving us to get up and move around the plane, I can just imagine that in a Bell 230 or Sikorsky S76 or similar. get up and walk around LOL, especially remembering the joke about the heavy fireman that moved in the helicopter and made it rock so you thought something was very wrong. Btw the comic called the pilot: Race Bannon, who's that? The pilot from Johnny Quest cartoons? (I'm guessing since I've only seen a few episodes of the new version made and otherwise just heard of it being a classic).

And yet another one about small aircraft. Yet another male comic was flying a small plane and the pilot was asking people about their weight and the lady in front of the comic said she was 120 lbs, and he thought: Yeah your rear-end is 120 (I subsititued the word since it wasn't crucial to the joke but it might offend someone or at least be thought of as redundant for the joke), now I gotta say I'm like 380 here, if you wanna fool your boyfriend that's one thing but don't fool the pilot! (again substituted words just in case). I thought that was hilarous and he's right as I'm sure you'll agree that one shouldn't give the wrong weight in that situation.

Frank
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Inept on April 10, 2006, 10:55:31 PM
Another one involving a small plane comes from Jeff Foxworthy (I think...)...

He was flying in a small single engine plane out of a small airport to get to his show.   He calls his wife and says "yuou would not believe what just happened... the plane hit a deer!"

His wife says "oh my god... were you on the ground?!"



don't we all just hate those random deer enounters at 4000 ft?
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Gulfstream Driver on April 11, 2006, 02:55:39 AM
hehehe.  That was Bill Engvall.  "Here's your sign..."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Inept on April 11, 2006, 03:28:32 AM
oops.... thanks for the correction, Gulfstream.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on April 11, 2006, 04:24:43 AM
Realistically, I love Ron White's routines on TV and don't think I'm a prude, I'm not,  (Mike, I'm sure, will testify to that) but his live act is so filthy that I feel my 90 bucks was wasted on a foul mouth jerk.
I don't feel this public forum is the appropriate place to itemize the offensive behavior this jerk presented onstage last night but I'm certainly within my rights to feel disgruntled,   My dissapointment is personal and you all are free to enjoy whatever spins your cranlshaft!   Remember, opinions are like anuses, and everyone has one. ;D

Wow, really? I have never seen a Ron White routine live, but I do have a DVD and I have him on a CD I think. That wasn't too bad. I would have to say if YOU were offended, it must have been pretty bad because I can testify that you are far away from being a prude (hanging out with guys like Dale in WMC...he he...)


Here is a joke which I think is based on a true story because I remember a cop telling me:

The cop has put up a radar trap at the end of the little town he was working at and is waiting for
his first victim. He ends up sitting there almost all day since nobody seems to be speeding that day.

Finally, a young kid was racing down the road just blasting past the cop who immediately jumps in his
rig to pull the guy over. He stops him and says to the young punk:
"Boy, I have be waiting for you all day!"
The boy replies:
"I know officer! I am so sorry, I tried to get here as fast as I could!"

The cop had to laugh so hard at this funny and clever answer he just let him go....
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: fireflyr on April 11, 2006, 04:58:13 AM
HAHAA "got here as fast as I could"   wish I'd thought of that one!!!! ;D

I've never had a cop ask me "where's the fire"  but if one ever had, I would have responded in my best lisp "In your eyes, officer!"

(California joke) 8)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Frank N. O. on April 11, 2006, 09:59:35 AM
LOL, that's a great one!

Here's one I just found:
-Hovering is for pilots who love to fly but have no place to go.

Frank
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: C310RCaptian on April 11, 2006, 02:08:01 PM
Good one Mike. Reminds me of the time when my buddy got pulled over on his bike and the cop asked for his pilot license and insurance because “he was flying.”  My buddy handed him his then new pilot certificate and the cop just smiled and said “I asked for that didn’t I.” He let him go with a warning.  ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Frank N. O. on April 12, 2006, 09:15:12 PM
How about this:

Passengers are sitting and waiting in a small prop-twin waiting for the pilot, when finally one of the passengers folds down his newspaper and says: that's it, I got a meeting so I'll just fly it myself. And he climbs into the pilot seat and commences to start the airplane.

Now for the pop-quiz: Where is that from? :D

Frank
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Ted_Stryker on April 12, 2006, 09:21:54 PM
How about this:

Passengers are sitting and waiting in a small prop-twin waiting for the pilot, when finally one of the passengers folds down his newspaper and says: that's it, I got a meeting so I'll just fly it myself. And he climbs into the pilot seat and commences to start the airplane.

Now for the pop-quiz: Where is that from? :D

Frank

That's got to be from an episode of Wings!  Brian, if I'm not mistaken!  ;D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Ted_Stryker on April 12, 2006, 09:51:31 PM
Hey... if you ever think you have a bad job.... just remember... there are those out there with much worse ones!

 |:)\
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Frank N. O. on April 12, 2006, 10:08:26 PM
Bingo! Exactly! Sandpiper Air I think the company was, I wasn't sure if anyone would know but it was aviation related show and I read it was actually quite long running, I only saw a season or so in the morning on danish tv but of course we can't see all US shows in DK. For extra points, what was the airplane they had? (actually I don't know the answer, hence the question). Btw it just hit me, they have two brothers flying and a slightly dim mechanic, it sounds a bit like Chicken Wings, Mike and Stef in real life and Julio in the comic :D

And that sure is a bad job!  :o

And I just heard this one, Garrisson Keillor and more:
"If a husband is alone in the woods, is he still wrong?"
And some said by the female comics in return:
"What do you call a man that's lost 75% of his intelligence? Divorved!"
"All Booster, No Payload."

Frank
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Ted_Stryker on April 12, 2006, 10:28:32 PM
Bingo! Exactly! Sandpiper Air I think the company was, I wasn't sure if anyone would know but it was aviation related show and I read it was actually quite long running, I only saw a season or so in the morning on danish tv but of course we can't see all US shows in DK. For extra points, what was the airplane they had? (actually I don't know the answer, hence the question). Btw it just hit me, they have two brothers flying and a slightly dim mechanic, it sounds a bit like Chicken Wings, Mike and Stef in real life and Julio in the comic :D

And that sure is a bad job!  :o

And I just heard this one, Garrisson Keillor and more:
"If a husband is alone in the woods, is he still wrong?"
And some said by the female comics in return:
"What do you call a man that's lost 75% of his intelligence? Divorved!"
"All Booster, No Payload."

Frank

Correct indeed!  Sandpiper Air.  The plane was a Cessna 402.  There were actually two used in filming, one of them N121PP was registered to Paramount Pictures, the other, N121PB was registered to an airline that actually flew out of Nantucket.

Some trivia for you... the sign on the field by the terminal building has it called "Tom Never's Field".  In reality, there is a Tom Never's field, but it's not the name of the airport there.  It's the name of a baseball field on Nantucket Island.  The shots you see of the terminal building are shots of the actual Nantucket Airport terminal building.  Coincidentally, there actually was a small commuter airline run by two brothers there, and they had a bird-like blue and grey logo, but it wasn't a sandpiper bird, and it wasn't called Sandpiper Air.

The producers of the show were the same team that did the show "Cheers", and hence had a number of episodes of both shows with crossovers of actors and characters from one making appearances on the other.  On a sad note, one of the three producers, David Angell, was on board one of the planes on 9/11/2001.  On a happier note though, Amazon.com now has available for pre-order Season 1 and 2 of "Wings", which is coming out on DVD on or around June 1st... finally!  Yeah!!

If it sounds like I'm a fan of the show, I am.  I TiVo it every time it's on here... which is at least once per day :)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Gulfstream Driver on April 12, 2006, 11:11:24 PM
I loved that show.  I used to skip class to watch it, but I didn't know all the trivia about it.  That's awesome that it's coming out on DVD.  Might have to talk my wife into buying it for me.   :)

What channel do you get it on, Ted?
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Frank N. O. on April 13, 2006, 12:48:25 AM
Thank you very much for the info, that's great, except the producer-part of course, may they all RIP :(

I've seen at least Dr and Dr Crane (Frasier and Lillith) visit there in a two-part episode I think, but fun to know there were more, just like people from Cheers have appeared in Fraiser and vice versa sort-of. Fhe father of Frasier was in Cheers as a postmaster chief, like Harry Morgan was in MASH as a crazy general before being the new commander Harry Potter later on (also great shows) Btw if I'm not mistaken then Radr O'Reilley was the only person that was in both the movie and series, and Jamie Farr was the only one of the cast that had ever been to Korea although it was after the war ended. And on another connected note, I didn't notice for years that Klinger and the Sheik in The Cannonball Run movies was the same actor lol (he was the only character to appear in all three Canonnbal Run movies (Speed Zone being the third)). I think I've watched too many "Connections" shows on the Discovery channel lol.

I hope Wings is also released on Region 2 DVD, or that I can move to USA then that won't be a problem lol.

Frank
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Ted_Stryker on April 13, 2006, 02:43:38 AM
I loved that show.  I used to skip class to watch it, but I didn't know all the trivia about it.  That's awesome that it's coming out on DVD.  Might have to talk my wife into buying it for me.   :)

What channel do you get it on, Ted?

It comes on here on Nick @ Night via cable.  I think it's long overdue to come to DVD.  I've already got mine on pre-order :)
 ;D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Ted_Stryker on April 13, 2006, 02:54:16 AM
Thank you very much for the info, that's great, except the producer-part of course, may they all RIP :(

I've seen at least Dr and Dr Crane (Frasier and Lillith) visit there in a two-part episode I think, but fun to know there were more, just like people from Cheers have appeared in Fraiser and vice versa sort-of. Fhe father of Frasier was in Cheers as a postmaster chief, like Harry Morgan was in MASH as a crazy general before being the new commander Harry Potter later on (also great shows) Btw if I'm not mistaken then Radr O'Reilley was the only person that was in both the movie and series, and Jamie Farr was the only one of the cast that had ever been to Korea although it was after the war ended. And on another connected note, I didn't notice for years that Klinger and the Sheik in The Cannonball Run movies was the same actor lol (he was the only character to appear in all three Canonnbal Run movies (Speed Zone being the third)). I think I've watched too many "Connections" shows on the Discovery channel lol.

I hope Wings is also released on Region 2 DVD, or that I can move to USA then that won't be a problem lol.

Frank

I'm not sure if it'll be Region 2 encoded when it first comes out, but I can't imagine they'd ignore the international appeal.  If I find out the plan on encodings, I'll let you know, though we'd love to have you aboard here in the USA :)

Other Cheers characters that appeared on Wings were Norm, and Cliff, who came to the island to fish, and never made it past the lunch counter first, then the local bars second  ;D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Gulfstream Driver on April 13, 2006, 07:55:52 PM
Wings also had an episode with Cliff and Norm.  They were supposed to go fishing, but ended up staying in the bar the entire time. 

M*A*S*H was a great show, and you're right.  The actor that played Radar was the only one in both movies.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Callisto on April 14, 2006, 06:13:31 AM
Other Cheers characters that appeared on Wings were Norm, and Cliff, who came to the island to fish, and never made it past the lunch counter first, then the local bars second  ;D
Wings also had an episode with Cliff and Norm.  They were supposed to go fishing, but ended up staying in the bar the entire time. 

M*A*S*H was a great show, and you're right.  The actor that played Radar was the only one in both movies.

:o :o :o deja vu   ;D

Speaking of connections: I am watching Airplane right now... Just a great frickin movie!!! Anyway... what’s the deal with Airplane and Seinfeld? (ooo I just noticed that’s how Jerry starts his jokes… That wasn’t even intentional (I know, I know... I'm a dork :D))
Elaine, Kramer, George, Lloyd Bridges (as one of the Mandelbaum and McCroskey)

I don't know if that was deliberate... or if I am the only nerd to notice...
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Frank N. O. on April 14, 2006, 12:02:31 PM
Yeah I noticed that too, and I was just having Airplane running in the background while I was checking this thread, lol.

Frank
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Callisto on April 14, 2006, 11:03:38 PM
Man... we are a bunch of plane NERDS aren't we?  ;D

Not that there is anything wrong with that.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Frank N. O. on April 15, 2006, 09:41:18 PM
Callisto: Absolutely nothing wrong with being a nerd :D "Revenge of the Aviation Nerds" lol sounds like a great movie :D

Here's an absolutely great one :D
And it's great for us who know about flying since that would be a very very bad idea and would be very hard to fly due to asymetric thrust etc. etc. so I hope no-one actually tries that in real life.

Frank
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Callisto on April 17, 2006, 03:32:08 AM
Callisto: Absolutely nothing wrong with being a nerd :D "Revenge of the Aviation Nerds" lol sounds like a great movie :D

Not at all! I'm proud of my nerdness!!!  ;D  I'm just glad I'm among friends here!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on April 19, 2006, 04:39:09 PM
 ::)  ;D  ::)

Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.
The Italian Customs Officer stops them and tells them: "It'sa illegala to
putta 5 people in a Quattro."

"Vot do you mean it's illegal?" asks the German driver.

"Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official.

"Quattro is just ze name of ze automobile!!" the Germans retort
unbelievingly. "Look at ze dam papers: ze car is designed to karry 5
persons."

"You canta pulla thata one on me!" replies the Italian customs officer.
"Quattro meansa four. You have fivea people ina your car and you are
thereforea breaking the law."

The German driver replies angrily: "You idiot! Call your zupervisor over. I
vant to speak to someone viz more intelligence!"

"Sorry" responds the Italian officer, "He can'ta come. He'sa busy with a 2
guys in a Fiat Uno."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: C310RCaptian on April 24, 2006, 06:58:05 PM
Then there's the pilot who dies and goes to heaven; while waiting to check in he notices a large twin coming in high-and-hot to a nearby landing strip. The twin pilot blows the landing--collapses the nose gear and strikes the props; he gets out of the plane and walks away. Fifteen minutes later, same scene: another twin, another blown landing--same guy gets out of the wrecked plane.

The fellow waiting to check in to heaven is amazed, he turns to St. Peter and says "what's the story with the twin pilot over there?" "Oh, that's just God" says St. Peter, "he thinks he's a surgeon."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on April 26, 2006, 08:59:57 PM
Two irish men are adrift in a small boat out in the ocean with no paddles and no land in site. One of them sees a bottle floating in the water and plucks it out. when they open the bottle a genie appears and grants them one wish. before the first guy can say a word the second pipes up with "i wish that the ocean was made of guinness" and the genie says "done!" and disappears. looking around they see that the ocean is truly made of guinness. the first irish man slaps the second very hard across the back of the head and cries "you fool what have you done now we will have to pee in the boat!"
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Frank N. O. on April 27, 2006, 10:48:27 AM
Lol classics!

Speaking of something funny, I was wondering, what do you think of this livery? http://www.airliners.net/open.file/0919606/L/

Frank
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Gulfstream Driver on April 27, 2006, 05:33:51 PM
That's quite the paint job.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on April 28, 2006, 12:33:31 AM

Bubba Joe's first military assignment was to a military induction center, and, because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about the government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled.

Before long the Captain in charge of the induction center began noticing that Bubba was getting a 99 percent sign-up for the top GI insurance.

This was odd, because it would cost these poor inductees nearly $30.00 per month more for their higher coverage than what the government was already granting.

The Captain decided that he would sit in the back of the room and observe Bubba's sales pitch.

Bubba Joe stood up before his latest group of inductees and stated, "If you have the normal GI insurance and go to Iraq and are killed, the government pays your beneficiary $6,000."

"If you take out the supplemental GI insurance. which will cost you an additional $30.00 per month, the government pays your beneficiary $200,000."

"Now," Bubba concluded, "which bunch do you think they're gonna send into combat first?"
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Frank N. O. on April 28, 2006, 04:14:01 PM
Danish Air Transport actually have such a paintjob on all their planes although the pattern varies due to different amounts of panels and such. They also have a Shorts Skyvan and Beech 1900D and the shorter ATR-42 if I remember correctly. Overall I think it's a very fresh and still elegant scheme due to the main white background.

Mike: LOL that's a good one!

Frank
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on April 30, 2006, 01:01:50 AM

When you go out for a flight and look at the weather ahead . . .
. . . AND YOU SEE THIS:

Cancel the flight, you might be in for a crappy day... :D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Frank N. O. on April 30, 2006, 01:21:13 AM
LOL, sign from above eh :D

Frank
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on May 01, 2006, 06:57:57 PM
a few good ones:
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Frank N. O. on May 01, 2006, 09:04:21 PM
At least the first and last look like photoshops to me but ew!!!!

Frank
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Gulfstream Driver on May 02, 2006, 12:02:41 AM
Looks like Bush, Kerry, and Clinton to me.  Ugh.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on May 02, 2006, 02:44:46 AM
ohhhh, there's plenty more to come fellas! i'm at home now, just wait til i get back to work tomorrow! yeah, they're photoshops but they're funny as he@l to me!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on May 02, 2006, 12:13:08 PM
more....
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on May 02, 2006, 04:38:14 PM
A Cajun and a pet alligator
A Cajun walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side
He puts the alligator up on the bar.
He turns to the astonished patrons.
"I'll make you a deal."
"I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my manhood inside."
"Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute."
"Then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed."
"In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."
The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers and placed his  Johnson and related parts in the alligator's open mouth.
The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.
After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try".
A hush fell over the crowd.
After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A Blonde woman timidly spoke up..........."I'll try It!"
"Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!"
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on May 02, 2006, 06:59:28 PM
A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. As they stand at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter
Paradise and meet their maker, God decides to grant each person one wish because of the grief they have experienced.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is.

"I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.

The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too."

Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous, but when God is halfway
down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing.

When there are only ten people left, the last guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off. Finally, God reaches the end of the line and asks him what his wish will be. The guy eventually calms down and says:

"Make 'em all ugly again".
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on May 03, 2006, 01:08:34 AM
HA HA!
That's a good one!

The pictures are just wrong though  :o
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Frank N. O. on May 05, 2006, 11:26:07 PM
I found out who the comic on the small plane was that had to say he was heavy because the lady in front gave a way too small figure. It was Robert Schimmel and he said it was a 11-seat plane, a so-called Richie Valens plane he called it. He also said he, in his own words did a stupid practical joke when he was going to a comedy festival in Toronto, he checked a bag filled with dog biscuits because he knew there were drug-sniffing and indeed there were and they freaked out at the bag and he got a less than friendly response from that.

Frank
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on May 12, 2006, 02:10:42 PM
this is perfect for the newly aspiring commercial pilot:

·   I'm so broke, I go to KFC and lick other peoples fingers.
·   I'm so broke me and my girlfriend got married for the rice.
·   I'm so broke, if a trip around the world cost a nickel, I wouldn't have enough to leave the couch!
·   I'm so broke that I just went into McDonald's and put a small fry on layaway.
·   If pickles were 10 cents a truckload I couldn't buy a wart off a cucumber!
·   I'm so broke, just to rub two nickels together, I'd have to borrow one.
·   We were so broke, that at Christmas, all we could exchange was glances.
·   I'm so broke, the bank asked for their calendar back.
·   I'm so broke, long distance companies don't even call me to switch!
·   If I stopped on a dime, I'd probably owe it to someone.
·   I ain't broke, but I'm severely bent.
·   Someone saw me kicking a can down the street, and when asked what I was doing I said, "Moving."
·   I'm so broke I can't afford to pay attention!
·   A guy walked into our house, stepped on a cigarette and my Mom yelled, "Who turned off the heat?"
·   I'm so broke that when someone saw my Mom walking down the street with one shoe, they said, "Hey, you lost a shoe." She said, "No, I found one."
·   We're so broke that if someone rings our doorbell I have to yell, "ding dong!" out the window.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on May 12, 2006, 02:12:12 PM
The Social Studies teacher had just finished a unit on war and peace. "How many of you," he asked, "would say you're opposed to war?"  Not surprisingly, all hands went up.
The teacher then asked, "Who'll give us a reason for being opposed to war?"
A rather large, bored-looking boy in the back of the room raised his hand. "Jimmy?" the teacher said.
"I hate war," Jimmy said, "because wars make history, and I hate History!"
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on May 12, 2006, 02:12:51 PM
A young man confronting his girlfriend's father.
Young man: "Sir, your daughter says she loves me, and she can’t live without me, and she wants to marry me."
Girl's Father: "And you’re asking my permission to marry her?"
Young man: "No, I’m asking you to make her leave me the heck alone."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on May 12, 2006, 02:14:44 PM
new word definitions:

1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks'trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub tap on and off with your toes.
2. CARPERPETUATION (kar'pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of confection (lolly) you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.
4. ELBONICS (el bon'iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.
5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.
7. PEPPIER (peph ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want fresh ground pepper.
8. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
9. PUPKUS (pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.
10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on May 12, 2006, 02:16:09 PM
A Bible study group was discussing the unforeseen possibility of sudden death. "We will all die some day," the leader of the discussion said, "and none of us really knows when, but if we did we would all do a better job of preparing ourselves for that inevitable event." Everybody nodded his or her heads in agreement with this comment.
"What would you do if you knew you only had 4 weeks of life remaining before your death, before your Great Judgment Day?" the leader asked the group.
"For those 4 weeks, I would go out into my community and minister the Gospel to those that have not yet accepted Jesus into their lives." one gentleman said.
"A very admirable thing to do," said the group leader. And all the group members agreed that would be a very good thing to do.
"For those 4 weeks, I would dedicate all of my remaining time to serving my family, my church, and my fellow man with a greater conviction," one lady said enthusiastically.
"That's wonderful!" the group leader commented, and all the group members agreed that would be a very good thing to do.
One gentleman in the back finally spoke up loudly. " For those 4 weeks, I would travel throughout the United States with my mother-in-law in a Ford Escort, and stay in a Motel 6 every night."
Everyone was puzzled by his answer. "Why would you do that?" the group leader asked.
"Because," the man smiled sarcastically, "it would be the longest 4 weeks of my life."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on May 12, 2006, 02:18:15 PM
Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing any thing that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals and sunglasses.
The next morning, they went to the beach dressed in their "tourist" garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a cocktail, the sunshine and the scenery when a drop-dead gorgeous, topless blonde in a thong bikini came walking straight toward them. They couldn't help but stare.
As the blonde passed them, she smiled and said, "Good morning, Father. Good morning, Father." She nodded to each, and addressed each of them individually, then she passed on by.
They were both stunned. The next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. Once again, in their new attire, they settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After awhile, the same topless blonde came walking toward them.
Again, she nodded at each of them, and said, "Good morning, Father. Good morning, Father." She started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, "Just a minute, young lady." "Yes, Father?" "How in the world did you know we're priests, dressed as we are?"
 "Father, it's me, Sister Katherine," she replied.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on May 13, 2006, 07:53:40 PM
in tribute to the "priceless" series.....what can you come up with?????
i'll start:
expulsing gas in the cockpit and feeling better - free
enjoying your own *aroma* - free
having it stink sooo bad it wakes the Mrs.?!?! - priceless!
Title: priceless!
Post by: Mike on May 14, 2006, 12:36:07 AM
* 3 Years of A&P school . . . . $8,745
* new "Snap-on" toolbox . . . $1,200

* having a maintenance issue on a flight-school C-172 on a Friday at evening . . . . priceless!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on May 15, 2006, 02:02:30 PM
Herman: Is that beautiful car yours?
Charlie: It is and it is not.
Herman: What do you mean?
Charlie: When it is for shopping, it is my wife's. When it is for a party, it is my son's. And when it needs gas, it is mine.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Stef on May 19, 2006, 07:14:12 PM
A police officer pulled a guy over for speeding.

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain: Who's car is this?

Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner' card.

The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.

Driver: No problem.

Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying son of a b**** told you I was speeding, too.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on May 20, 2006, 03:43:59 AM
ROFLMAO! GREAT one stef!!!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: piet03 on May 25, 2006, 03:57:29 PM
An elderly clergy passed on and was waiting in line patiently outside the pearly gates. Another fellow shows up wearing a hawaiin flowery shirt sunglasses cut off jeans,A big fancy watch, sandles and a leather jacket with a pint of vodka in the pocket. Saint Peter saw the new arrival and ushered him to the front of the line. Witha minimum of red tape the new guy was admited to heaven. Hours later the clergy arrives at the front of the line. Just a little bit peeved, he tells Saint Peter."All my life I have been a God fearing man. Idedicated my life to church and congregation. How come I ,a man of the lord have had to wait for hours and that drunken bum was wisked right in?
  Saint Peter explaned "Revrend, Up here we go by results. When you were in the pulpit preaching, half your congregation slept, But when chuck was flying, His passengers did some serious praying."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on May 25, 2006, 09:31:14 PM
HA HA !!!  :D
We should make this one into a strip, huh?!  ;)  ::)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: fireflyr on May 25, 2006, 11:53:28 PM

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you
pass  by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
 
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
 
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.
 
Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only
be one passenger in your car?
 
Think of your answer before you continue reading.
 
 
This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job
application.
 
You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first.
 
Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back.
 
However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.
 
The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer.
 
He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him
take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams."
 
Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations.

Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box."
 
HOWEVER...,
 
The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.
 
.......God, I just love happy endings!  |:)\

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: madpilot44 on May 26, 2006, 03:54:24 AM
jeez fireflyr that last one was just great!! you should have seen my face going through it: first thoughtfull, then amazed at the guy's answer, the LMAO jaja :D

great one  |:)\
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Skygal on May 26, 2006, 07:08:34 AM
CASINO
  Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table.
 An attractive blonde from St John's arrived and bet twenty-thousand
 dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.

 She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
 completely nude.
 "With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled,
 "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
 As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed...
 "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!" She hugged each of the dealers and then picked
 up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared
at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she
 roll?"
 The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

 MORAL - Not all Newfies are stupid and not all blondes are
 dumb................. but all men are men.

HAAAAAHAHA!!
I was looking back and saw this---------CDNpilot, not everyone knows what a "Newfie is---maybe only us Canadians!!!!  great one, I just wish I'd thought of that when I was younger (before wrinkles)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: fireflyr on May 26, 2006, 01:05:35 PM


 
Subject: A special birthday


A Special Birthday This Week  :)
 

       Can you believe it? Monica Lewinsky turned 31 this
       week. It seems like only yesterday she was crawling
       around the White House on her hands and knees.
 

       They grow up so fast.  :-\
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on May 26, 2006, 02:51:01 PM
Male or female hormones?!?

In a current report, scientists suggest that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. To test the finding, 10 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100 per cent of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, refused to apologize when wrong and went all together to the loo..........


…It has been confirmed that beer actually contains small traces of MALE hormones NOT female hormones. To prove this theory, the scientists fed 100 women 12 pints of beer and observed that these women became obsessed with sex but fell asleep long before they could please their partners.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Turbomallard on May 26, 2006, 08:26:07 PM
Chuck is that U?

http://www.ilstu.edu/~jlcunni/itm.mp3

TM
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on May 26, 2006, 09:08:38 PM
Subject: Sunday afternoon quickie 

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie
with their 8 year old son in the apartment was to send him out on
the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the
neighbourhood activities. He began his commentary as his parents put their
plan into operation:
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot", he
shouted. A few moments passed ... "An ambulance just drove by"
A few moments later, "Looks like the Anderson's have company", he called
out. "Matt's riding a new bike....."
A few moments later, 'Looks like the Sanders are
moving" "Jason is on his skate board...."

A few more moments, "The Coopers are having sex!!"

Startled, Mother and Dad shot up in bed!!! Dad
cautiously asked,
"How do you know they are having sex?"

"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a
Popsicle too."

 8)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on May 26, 2006, 09:20:41 PM
Chuck is that U?

http://www.ilstu.edu/~jlcunni/itm.mp3

TM

HA HA  :D

Now, where in the world do you guys find this stuff???

I think we now have a jingle for our TV show!!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Turbomallard on May 26, 2006, 11:44:41 PM
Chuck is that U?

http://www.ilstu.edu/~jlcunni/itm.mp3

TM

HA HA  :D

Now, where in the world do you guys find this stuff???

I think we now have a jingle for our TV show!!

I used to have this on a 45 record (those of you who are too young to know what that is... look it up). It had something similar on the B side, as well. Do an online search for "Henhouse Five Plus Too" for more info.

And... is this Chuck testing his turbine Lancair with no tiedown and very small wheel chocks:

http://bellsouthpwp2.net/n/e/ne1h/Dontdothis.wmv

Funny, scary, and pitiful all at the same time... may I never do something so dumb (but you never know).

TM
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on May 28, 2006, 09:00:07 AM
Getting old..........

Getting  older has its drawbacks, but I guess there aren't too  many good
alternatives to getting older. Whenever you  see a gathering of seniors, it
is an even bet they are  talking about everything that is wrong with them.

You know, the usual, memory, urinary problems,  knees, eyesight, etc., etc.

Well, I am a senior  and I absolutely refuse to discuss these issues with
everyone else. If I have a problem, I find a solution.  It is not always the
solution that I like, but I handle  it the best way I know and I don't
discuss it with every  person I see on the street that is past 62. No
sir....

With this in mind, I bought myself a new  scooter. I wanted something that
was easy on gas and  could zip me to the store and about town. This seems to
meet my EVERY need. I love it!


      Remember:
      Senior  Citizens Are Valuable
      We  are more valuable than any of the younger  generations:
      We have silver in our hair.
      We have  gold in our teeth.
      We have stones in our kidneys.
      We have lead in our feet and ....
      We are loaded  with natural  gas.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Frank N. O. on May 28, 2006, 12:40:08 PM
ROFL, that's a great one! Hmm, I'm only 27 years old (although only for about 5 weeks more) and when I was a small kid my hair was light brown (not blond), later it turned very dark and now it's turning light again, but because of almost half my hairs have turned silver that is, I found the first one at age 18. At least I still have the same high but fixed hairline, my dad at this age was already going bald and I look a lot like him facewise (and personalitywise). My mom's dad had a full head of (pure silver) hair until he died in his 80s when I was still a small kid (very long generations in my family on both sides).

Here's one from one of my high-school teachers, told in class:
I went to a seminar on danish humour and the speaker was this calm man and he started "Danish humour is laughing at a woman falling on the street, that is not funny" and I thought, oh no this is going to be boring, and then the man added "unless she's really old HAHAHAHA".
This above is actually not a age-joke but a demonstration of danish black humour but I thought the story itself told by my teacher was funny. Btw happy, if you haven't read the whole thread then there's another school-experience of mine where I sadly was the target of the joke but a big laugh anyway, it's posted a few pages back. And in general, if you haven't read this thread in it's full length then bookmark it and save it for a rainy day since there are some dusies in there! :)

And now for some aviation humour:

"And this, ladies and gentlemen, is the very first Fokker airplane built in the world. The Dutch call it the mother Fokker."
-- custodian at the Aviodome aviation museum, Schiphol airport Amsterdam.

Ok I must've missed that episode:
"Flying an aeroplane with only a single propeller to keep you in the air. Can you imagine that?"
-- Captain Picard, from 'Star Trek: The Next Generation' episode 'Booby Trap.'

"Son, never ask a man if he is a fighter pilot. If he is, he'll let you know. If he isn't, don't embarrass him."
-- The Great Santini, in 'Get ready for a fighter pilot.

Ok this one is an interesting one, aren't there any?
"If helicopters are so safe, how come there are no vintage/classic helicopter fly-ins?"
-- Jim Tavenner

Lol, this reminds me of the Chicken Wings strip with the new DHC-6 and it's on topic with the conversation in the other thread.
"Lady, you want me to answer you if this old airplane is safe to fly? Just how in the world do you think it got to be this old?"
-- Jim Tavenner

ROFL, personally I'd Rather Be Flying but each to their own, I just had to post this
"Arguing with a pilot is like wrestling with a pig in the mud, after a while you begin to think the pig likes it."
-- Seen on a General Dynamics bulletin board

And now some from the "I bet someone actually did that" catagory

Controller November, turn right and report your heading.«
Pilot: »Wilco, 340, 341, 342, 343... «


Pilot: "Golf Juliet Whiskey, request instructions for takeoff"
Persons unknown: "Open the throttle smoothly, check temperatures and pressures rising, keep the aircraft straight using ....."


Student pilot (who forgot to ask for surface wind) "Please pass wind"

Lost student pilot: "Unknown airport with Cessna 150 circling overhead, identify yourself"

Ok I've heard of a backwards King Air (Beech Rutan Starship 2000) but this one is new! LOL
Heard last weekend at Palo Alto while I was inbound from Leslie Salt:
PAO Twr: "Mooney 23D, traffic is a Cherokee just entering downwind from the left 45."
Mooney 23D: "Uhhh, tower, 23D...only traffic I see is a Cessna."
Pause...
PAO Twr: "Mooney 23D, follow your traffic directly ahead, an, um, inverted Cherokee just abeam the numbers." :)


Actually all these are from an old html-page I saved years ago but some of those I coudln't remember having read before. Hope you enjoyed them, they sure gave me a better feeling on the inside that I got from the bad sleep I woke up from a short while ago, have a good weekend, and every day after that :)

Frank
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on May 28, 2006, 12:54:55 PM
Frank, the ones you just posted are gorgeous! So, here we are. It was my first day talking to the radio:
HBCJV holding point......holding point.......God.......holding point George ready for departure.........

I just wanted to disappear as soon as I realized all the fu@@@ing things I had been able to say in a small portion of secs!!!!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on May 28, 2006, 12:56:40 PM
And Frank, before I forget, have a wonderful day you too!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on May 28, 2006, 03:39:20 PM
We have clearance, Clarence. Roger, Roger. What's our vector, Victor?

Wasn't it from airport?
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: fireflyr on May 28, 2006, 03:52:19 PM
Yes, that was Captain Over speaking---of course we should have Ted Stryker verify that................. |:)\
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: fireflyr on May 28, 2006, 04:16:17 PM
Her's one for all my farmer friends in sheep country. ;D

Doctor Doug had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day
 long.  No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just
couldn't. 
 The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a
 while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his  head that
said:
 "Doug, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner
 to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And
 you're single. Just let it go, Doug"
 But invariably another voice in his head would bring
 him back to reality, whispering: Doug.............. 
 Doug..............
 Doug..............
 
..................... You're a veterinarian, you sick bastard".
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on May 28, 2006, 04:25:34 PM
Poor doctor Doug!!  :) :) :)

And here you find another about docs........


It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection.
Traffic quickly piled up in all directions, so a woman rushed to help him.
When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crown, pushed her aside, and said
“it’s all right honey, I’ve had a course in first aid”.
The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man’s pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration. At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said
“when you get to the part about calling a doctor, I’m already here..:”…..
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on May 28, 2006, 04:56:41 PM
That one is cute, happy!!  :D

Made me wanna ask: "Chuck, is that you?"
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on May 28, 2006, 09:58:53 PM
Q: How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at a party?
A: He’ll tell you….

Q: what’s the difference between God and fighter pilots?
A: God doesn’t think he’s a fighter pilot…..


Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on May 28, 2006, 10:27:33 PM
Ooooooohhhh, how could I forget to post this???!!??


There is a mother with 3 daughters, who are going to marry one after each other in a short time. Worried for their sex life, she makes them promise to send a postcard from honeymoon with something written on the sexual life they have.

The first goes off to honeymoon and after some days mom receives a postcard with Nescafé written on it. Puzzled, she triest to understand, then she runs into the jar and reads “Good till the last drop”. That makes her happy.

Then she receives a second postcard. There it is written Benson & Hedges.
She searches for a package of cigarettes and reads “extra long. King size”. That makes her happy.

She waits during one, two, three weeks and nothing comes from the 3rd daughter. She begins to worry. Then, one day she opens the mailbox and there it is: the long awaited postcard. On it, just two words: British Airways. Now she is really worried.
Wonder what she read, when she found the ad?





Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways………..

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Sleek-Jet on May 28, 2006, 10:43:35 PM
Yes, that was Captain Over speaking---of course we should have Ted Stryker verify that................. |:)\

Capt Over sir, you have a call from Dr. Ham on line 5...

OK, give me Ham on 5, and hold the Mayo... ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Gulfstream Driver on May 29, 2006, 03:51:34 AM
Chuck is that U?

http://www.ilstu.edu/~jlcunni/itm.mp3

TM

That's an old Ray Stevens track.  We used to have a bunch of his cassettes.   :)  (If anybody's too young to know what those are, I'm going to crawl into a hole and die.)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Gulfstream Driver on May 29, 2006, 04:06:57 AM
We have clearance, Clarence. Roger, Roger. What's our vector, Victor?

Wasn't it from airport?


It was Airplane, btw...
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on May 29, 2006, 08:05:49 AM
We have clearance, Clarence. Roger, Roger. What's our vector, Victor?

Wasn't it from airport?


It was Airplane, btw...

good God that it's from airplane and not real life. I do not know if it happens to anybody else but I hate doing RTF. it is the less enjoying thing of all flights.....
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: fireflyr on May 30, 2006, 09:02:18 AM

> Moving to Texas
>
> Mark was sitting in an airplane when another fellow
> took a seat beside him. The new guy was an absolute
> wreck... Pale, hands shaking, biting his nails and
> moaning in fear.
>
> "Hey pal, what's the matter?" Mark asked.
>
> "Oh man... I've been transferred to Texas," the other
> guy answered, "there's crazy people in Texas and they
> have shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, high crime
> rate...."
>
> "Hold on," Mark interrupted, "I have lived in the
> Bahamas and Texas all my life, and it is not near as
> bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work,
> mind your own business, enroll your kids in a good
> school and it's as safe as anywhere in the world."
>
> The other passenger relaxed and stopped shaking for a
> moment and said, "Oh thank you. I've been worried to
> death, but if you lived there and say it's OK, I'll
> take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"
>
> "Me?", said Mark, "I'm a tail gunner on a bread truck
> in Laredo."
>
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on May 30, 2006, 09:26:18 AM

> Moving to Texas ............


AH AH AH!!!! that's very funny!!!!
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D



Here I found one that is said to be true! (Hope the same doesn't apply to Texas............    ;) )
Hanover Airport. The young woman in Tower has recently finished her training and is still not completely at ease. BA XXX is at holding position runway 09R. Another aircraft is doing approach procedures for a landing on the same runway. Tower wishes to expedite take-off for BA XXX:
 
Tower: BA XXX, are you ready for a quickie ?
 
BA XXX: Lady, I'm always ready for a quickie, but first I have to fly this plane to Helsinki !
 
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: fireflyr on May 30, 2006, 02:43:30 PM
........................."but first I have to Helsinki".........
HA, I had to LOL on that one---GOOD!! ;D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on May 30, 2006, 09:23:53 PM
Cessna 152: "Flight Level Three Thousand, Seven Hundred"
Controller: "Roger, contact Houston Space Centre"

Tower: "Mission 123, do you have problems?"
Pilot: "I think I have lost my compass."
Tower: "Judging the way you are flying, you lost the whole instrument panel!"
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: chuckar101 on May 31, 2006, 01:07:53 AM
Great jokes happy keep them coming.  Sure make the day go by a little quicker.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on May 31, 2006, 11:54:59 AM
Controller: "USA353 (sic) contact Cleveland Centre 135.60.

NO REPLY

Controller: "USA353 contact Cleveland Centre 135.60!"

NO REPLY

Controller: "USA353 you're just like my wife you never listen!"

Pilot: "Centre, this is USA553, maybe if you called her by the right name you'd get a better response!"
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: SteepTurn on May 31, 2006, 06:50:42 PM
I found this one...

- At a recent software engineering management course in the US, the participants were given an awkward question to answer. "If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software how many of you would disembark immediately?"

Among the ensuing forest of raised hands, only one man sat motionless.

When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay onboard. With his team's software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off.
;D ;) ;D ;)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: SteepTurn on May 31, 2006, 06:54:19 PM
...sorry, I forgot this one:

Said by my instructor:
the P3 (Pilatus) actually is not able to fly, it only takes off because the world is round...
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: SteepTurn on May 31, 2006, 07:06:55 PM
....and another one!!!

Basic Flying Rules:
1. Try to stay in the middle of the air.
2. Do not go near the edges of it.
3. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: SteepTurn on May 31, 2006, 07:15:06 PM
LH741: "Tower, give me a rough time-check!"
Tower: "It's Tuesday, Sir."
---------------------------------------------
Tower: "Phantom-Formation crossing control zone without clearance, state your call-sign !"
Pilot: "I'm not silly..."
--------------------------------------------
Tower: "Hawk 20, is this the same aircraft declaring emergency about two hours ago ?"
Pilot: "Negative, Sir. It's only the same pilot."
---------------------------------------------
Tower: "Delta Fox Alpha, hold position, Marshall will park you."
Pilot: "Roger. Looking out for John Wayne."
---------------------------------------------
Ground Control: "123DG, bear to the left, disabled aircraft on the right."
Pilot: "123DG, Roger, I have the disabled aircraft in sight, but I don't see the bear yet."
----------------------------------------------
ATC: Piper N 4444D, traffic at your 2o'clock, 500 ft below you.
Piper N4444D: Well, we see a light coming towards us ... ATC: Look again - there's probably a plane behind that light.
----------------------------------------------

c ya
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Turbomallard on May 31, 2006, 09:06:20 PM
Q: What's the difference between an Airbus A320-100 and a beaver?

A: 1,000 trees per hour.

TM
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: piet03 on June 01, 2006, 12:46:56 PM
Aircraft;"Center be advised 456Tango is a citation!"
Controler:" 456Tango this is XYZ aproach. You stop calling us center ,we'll stop calling you twin cessna"
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on June 01, 2006, 06:16:56 PM
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the runway on the taxiway while an MD80 landed.
The MD80 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.
Someone on the MD80 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane.  Did you make it all by yourself?"
Our hero the Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with: "I made it out of MD80 parts. Another landing like that and I'll have enough parts for another one."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Frank N. O. on June 01, 2006, 06:35:29 PM
Happy: Joke to be continued? I seem to remember that one having one more line, and a good one at that :D

Hehe, I see you found the same collection of jokes I did :D My mom also found the one about the instruments very funny :D Btw it was a while since I posted a few of them on that page and since they're golden oldies then no problem posting a few of them again, they're great fun and this thread is long to read thrue :)

Frank
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on June 01, 2006, 06:43:04 PM
Happy: Joke to be continued? I seem to remember that one having one more line, and a good one at that :D

Hehe, I see you found the same collection of jokes I did :D My mom also found the one about the instruments very funny :D Btw it was a while since I posted a few of them on that page and since they're golden oldies then no problem posting a few of them again, they're great fun and this thread is long to read thrue :)

Frank


Gosh, you were right!!!  :-[ :-[ :-[ I had forgotten a part and did not notice....look twice, there is always something you're missing......
aviation jokes are real fun! BTW, I should check more often the back pages, if you say that you already posted some!!!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on June 01, 2006, 06:46:10 PM
to be pardoned for posting half a joke, here is one for the coop........... :D


A man runs to the doctor and says, "Doctor, you've got to help me. My wife thinks she's a chicken!"

The doctor asks, "How long has she had this condition?"

"Two years," says the man.

"Then why did it take you so long to come and see me?" asked the shrink.

The man shrugs his shoulders and replies, "We needed the eggs."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: fireflyr on June 01, 2006, 08:41:03 PM
Q: What's the difference between an Airbus A320-100 and a beaver?

A: 1,000 trees per hour.

TM

AHHHAAAAAAA!!!

Saw the video---impressive tree mower--- :( :-\
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on June 03, 2006, 10:23:30 PM
.........."Folks, we have someone celebrating his 65th birthday today by taking his first flight." Round of applause follows........... "So on your way off the plane, be sure to stop by the cockpit and wish Capt. Jones a Happy Birthday"..................

Nite Nite Mates!  :)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: SteepTurn on June 04, 2006, 11:46:04 AM
A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job, and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."

The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave. The blonde yet again repeats "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The head stewardesses doesn't even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off; the blode is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the copilot.

The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the copilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat. The copilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: SteepTurn on June 04, 2006, 11:48:06 AM
Another one on blondes  ;D ;D ;D

An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn't get out of her room.

"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in here, "she cried," one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: SteepTurn on June 04, 2006, 11:50:50 AM
Skydiving!!!!


Student in the classroom: "If our chute doesn't open, and the reserve doesn't open, how long do we have until we hit the ground?"

Instructor: "The rest of your life."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on June 05, 2006, 04:42:21 PM
An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.

A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.

"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except the lawyers are still going around passing out business cards......."

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: SteepTurn on June 05, 2006, 04:57:17 PM
An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.

A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.

"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except the lawyers are still going around passing out business cards......."



look at that!!!
Who is posting this joke???
Probably the only lawyer in this forum... at least the only female lawyer in here)
hahahaha
(hopefully she won't prosecute me for that ;) sigh ???
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on June 05, 2006, 09:34:56 PM
A Swiss flight has been cancelled and a single young female agent has been assigned to rebook all the passenger.
There is a crowd waiting, and a man passes by, in front of everybody. He is angry, incredibly angry and begins yelling, slapping his ticket on the counter. “I’ve to be on this flight. I do not give a damn, either you give me first class place or it has to be right now, immediately!”. The Swiss young agent, tries to calm him down, saying he has to stay in the line, waiting for his turn. Actually, there is no way she can have any positive reply. He begins shouting “I’ve no intention to stand in line! Do you have any idea who I am?”.
The agent catches her microphone and addresses publicly. “May I have your attention, please. We have a passenger here at the desk who doesn’t know who he is. If anyone could help with the identification, please join us”.
The crowd begins laughing hysterically, the man, angrier than before, glares at the agent and swears “Fuck you”. She smiles “I see, but I’m sorry, sir. Actually, you’ll have to stand in line for that too........”


 :) :) Nite nite, mates!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on June 06, 2006, 09:08:36 PM
Q: Why are blondes jokes so short?
A: So brunettes can remember them.............................



poooooooooooor me!! good nite mates!  :) ;) :)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Frank N. O. on June 06, 2006, 09:57:43 PM
The first of the two is a classic, no idea where it's from but I can imagine it was for real and what a great one :D

The second one I've never heard before in my life! ROFL great one! I don't mind though, I just looked myself in the mirror and saw just how many of my hairs are white now instead of dark brown, man I'm really "going grey" and there's still a month to even my 28th birthday! But I don't mind getting white hair, aka viking-blonde in these parts, I would've had a problem with loosing my hair like my dad started to at this age but my hairlines are as high as ever so no worries there.

Hmmm, I don't really have a joke handy atm, tough day with bad and short sleep, sorry. I'll go find some aviation joke links and find some good ones, and try to remember to not put any that's been here before.

Btw, thanks to all for the posted jokes, even if there's no reply off-hand, sometimes the real world gets in the way.

Frank
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on June 06, 2006, 11:37:34 PM
A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!
Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.
Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.
We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall,
and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared
that said: You got Male.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on June 06, 2006, 11:39:32 PM
April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through class. One day the teacher tried to catch April to see if she was paying attention. She called on her while she was napping.
"Tell me, April, who created the universe?" When April didn't stir Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pen and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good," and April fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our lord and savior," But April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very Good," And April fell back asleep.
Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had had their twenty third child?" And again Johnny jabbed her with the pen. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT FREAKING THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT IN YOU'RE EAR!"
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on June 06, 2006, 11:51:33 PM
Bubba and Billy Joe are walking down the street in Atlanta, and they see a sign on a store which reads, "Suits $5.00 each! Shirts $2.00 each! Trousers $2.50 each!" Bubba says to his pal, "Billy Joe, Look here! We could buy a whole gob of these, take'em back to Sand Mountain, sell 'em to our friends, and make a fortune. Just let me do the talkin' 'cause if they hear your accent, they might think we're ignorant, and not wanna sell that stuff to us. Now, I'll talk in a slow Georgia drawl so's they don't know we is from Alabama."
They go in and Bubba says with his best fake Georgia drawl, "I'll take 50 of them suits at $5.00 each, 100 of them there shirts at $2.00 each, 50 pairs of them there trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my pickup and..."
The owner of the shop interrupts, "Ya'll from South Alabama, ain't ya?" "Well... yeah," says a surprised Bubba... "How come you knowed that?" "Because this is a dry-cleaners..."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on June 07, 2006, 12:01:26 AM
A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day, the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey died."
Kenny replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."
The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
Kenny said, "Okay then, just unload the donkey."
The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him"?
Kenny said, "I'm going to raffle him off."
"You can't raffle off a dead donkey!" the farmer says.
"Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead." Kenny said.
A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey"?
"I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00."
"Didn't anyone complain"? The farmer asked.
"Just the guy who won. So, I gave him his two dollars back."
Kenny grew up and eventually became the chairman of Enron.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on June 07, 2006, 12:06:11 AM
A drunk and a preacher were driving up a mountainside in different vehicles.
The drunk was swerving from side to side; the preacher was driving straight and true. All of a sudden, the preacher lost control and drove off the edge of a cliff.
The drunk noticed the preacher going off the edge, so he stopped his car and went to see if he was all right.
He noticed the preacher was climbing up the hillside. He yelled down at the preacher, "Are you alright?" And the preacher replied, "Have no fear my son, I had the Lord riding with me."
The drunk then yelled back, "You had better let him ride with me next time,
cuz your gonna get him killed!"
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on June 07, 2006, 12:08:48 AM
A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing-eye dog one day. They come to a busy intersection, and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man right out into the thick of traffic.  This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down.
The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of the street, and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket, which he offers to the dog.  A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie?  He nearly got you killed!"
The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find out where his head is, so I can kick his butt."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on June 07, 2006, 12:09:25 AM
sent to me this morning by my uncle, under heading "Warning!"
Like you, I hate it when people forward bogus warnings. But, this one is important. Please forward to those you care about.
If someone comes to your front door saying they are conducting a survey on deer ticks and asks you to take all of your clothes off and dance around with your arms up, DO NOT DO IT!!
IT IS A SCAM. They only want to see you naked.
I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid now.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Callisto on June 07, 2006, 02:31:22 AM
plthijnx is bored!  ;D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: fireflyr on June 07, 2006, 09:14:21 AM
D**N  YOU PLTHJINX!!!!! >:(

I was just savoring a glass of Chardonnay when I read your 'warning' and had to wipe my keyboard because of nasally spewed wine before I could respond-------------Son, with your wierd sense of humour, I thinking we must be related---got any cousins in Arkansas (other then your exwife) ?
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on June 07, 2006, 07:46:55 PM
sent to me this morning by my uncle, under heading "Warning!"
Like you, I hate it when people forward bogus warnings. But, this one is important. Please forward to those you care about.
If someone comes to your front door saying they are conducting a survey on deer ticks and asks you to take all of your clothes off and dance around with your arms up, DO NOT DO IT!!
IT IS A SCAM. They only want to see you naked.
I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid now.


I would say it's some English humour this one!!! Gosh, we are building a really good reserve of jokes here!! Keep writing Plthijnx!!!  :)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on June 07, 2006, 07:49:42 PM
strange evidences

A husband suspects his wife is having an affair with a pilot but she keeps denying it until finally the husband just knew when his wife said:
Honey, I've told you once, I've told you twice, I've told you niner thousand times, negative on the affair ...

 ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: SteepTurn on June 07, 2006, 07:51:56 PM
strange evidences

A husband suspects his wife is having an affair with a pilot but she keeps denying it until finally the husband just knew when his wife said:
Honey, I've told you once, I've told you twice, I've told you niner thousand times, negative on the affair ...

 ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;)
HAHAHAHA

GREAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on June 07, 2006, 07:58:13 PM
The first of the two is a classic, no idea where it's from but I can imagine it was for real and what a great one :D

The second one I've never heard before in my life! ROFL great one! I don't mind though, I just looked myself in the mirror and saw just how many of my hairs are white now instead of dark brown, man I'm really "going grey" and there's still a month to even my 28th birthday! But I don't mind getting white hair, aka viking-blonde in these parts, I would've had a problem with loosing my hair like my dad started to at this age but my hairlines are as high as ever so no worries there.

Hmmm, I don't really have a joke handy atm, tough day with bad and short sleep, sorry. I'll go find some aviation joke links and find some good ones, and try to remember to not put any that's been here before.

Btw, thanks to all for the posted jokes, even if there's no reply off-hand, sometimes the real world gets in the way.

Frank

Sorry for the bad day, hope it's better today.  :) :)
and never worry about hairs. the good thing with men (at least that's my point of view.......) it's that they do not lose any appeal (if they have some, naturally!) either with hair (be they color/colorless) or without (and partially without)!
And your welcome for the jokes. it's a pleasure to write them down and if somebody laughs, the mission is accomplished. we always need some humour!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on June 07, 2006, 10:42:11 PM
yeah dude, don't sweat it. i've been going grey for a while now and actually with the trial and everything i've gone just a bit more as well. in the mean time check out the following link:
http://abum.com/file/shadow/animations/17632.swf
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on June 07, 2006, 11:27:01 PM
[quote author=fireflyr link=topic=20.msg4898#msg4898 date=1149671661
D**N  YOU PLTHJINX!!!!! >:(

I was just savoring a glass of Chardonnay when I read your 'warning' and had to wipe my keyboard because of nasally spewed wine before I could respond-------------Son, with your wierd sense of humour, I thinking we must be related---got any cousins in Arkansas (other then your exwife) ?
Quote
Flyr, should i have put a SWF warning previous to the joke?? Swallow Wine First??

edit: actually a very good friend of mine lives in the N.E. corner of arkansas......

now, check out this crazy guy!!!! verrrrrrrrrrrrrycool!!!!
CRAZY DUDE (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PmZyB_ghpa0&eurl=http%3A%2F%2Fwww%2Eidiotworld%2Ecom%2Fstory%2F408%2FFlying%5FIdiots)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: chuckar101 on June 08, 2006, 04:19:28 AM
I want to know what that guy was smoking when he came up with the idea to do that.  Great footage though.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on June 08, 2006, 08:20:22 AM
I want to know what that guy was smoking when he came up with the idea to do that.  Great footage though.

Didn't he fall out of the baby buggy too much, when toddler, maybe?!!?? Amazing.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Callisto on June 08, 2006, 02:07:16 PM
http://abum.com/file/shadow/animations/17632.swf

That was good! I love when people have a lot of time on their hands.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on June 08, 2006, 08:21:03 PM
These are the unavoidable laws of the natural universe...

1. Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.

2. Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

5. Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

6. Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time).

7. Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11. Theater Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

12. Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich of landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness, color and cost of the carpet/rug.

15. Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.

16. Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

17. Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

18. Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.

19. Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on June 08, 2006, 08:53:42 PM
"Hey, O'Hare, you see the 7600 code flashing five northwest of Gary?"
"Yeah, I do...you guys talkin' to him?"
--------------------------
"Approach, what's the tower?"
"That's a big tall building with glass all around it, but that's not important right now."
-------------------------
"How far behind traffic are we?"
"Three miles."
"That doesn't look like three miles to us!"
"You're a mile and a half from him, he's a mile and a half from you...that's three miles."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: SteepTurn on June 09, 2006, 04:59:09 AM
Julio's law: If you disassemble and reassemble anything often enough, at the end you'll have two of it!!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on June 09, 2006, 07:34:22 AM
Julio's law: If you disassemble and reassemble anything often enough, at the end you'll have two of it!!

HAHAHA!!........... I'm not sure it's highly related to the frequency of assemblage, but to DIY capabilities......
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on June 09, 2006, 05:52:15 PM
Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served.
When Johnny received his plate he started eating right away.
"Johnny wait until we say our prayer."
"I don't have to." The boy replied.
"Of course, you do," his mother insisted. "We say a prayer before eating at our house."
"That's our house," Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house, and she knows how to cook!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on June 09, 2006, 05:53:03 PM
A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about all his employees' well being, asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?"
The blonde replies, "This morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."
The boss, feeling very sorry at this point, explains to the young girl. "Why don't you go home for the day, we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest."
The blonde very calmly states, "No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."
The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. "If you need anything, just let me know."
Well, a few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde hysterically crying!! He rushes to her, asking, "Are you ok?"
"No!" exclaims the blonde. "I just got a call from my sister. She told me that HER mom died too!!"
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on June 09, 2006, 05:55:40 PM
One day a teacher said to the class of 5-year- olds, "I'll give $2 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived."
An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Patrick."
The teacher said, "Sorry Sean, that's not correct."
Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Andrew."
The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either."
Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ."
The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Marvin, come up and get the $2."
As the teacher was giving Marvin his money, she said, "You know Marvin, since you're Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ."
Marvin replied, "Well, In my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is business..."
Title: Stereotypes? or true?
Post by: Mike on June 11, 2006, 12:49:24 AM
 
Stereotypes or true?



How to treat a Woman:

Wine her.
Dine her.
Call her.
Hold her.
Surprise her.
Compliment her.
Smile at her.
Listen to her.
Laugh with her.
Cry with her.
Romance her.
Encourage her.
Believe in her.
Pray with her.
Pray for her.
Cuddle with her.
Shop with her.
Give her jewelry.
Buy her flowers.
Hold her hand.
Write love letters to her.
Go to the ends of the earth and back again for her.


How To Treat a Man:

Show up naked.
Bring chicken wings.
Don't block the TV.

 
(I am sure for the guys in here the second one could be a double inuendo...heh heh... ;) ;D )
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on June 11, 2006, 05:29:32 AM
dang mike, you just defined my ex-wife AND ex-girlfriend all at once!
now:

Sorry ladies - I'm only the messenger, not the originators....

TO ALL THE GUYS TO GIVE THEM A GOOD LAUGH......AND TO THOSE LADIES WITH A SENSE OF HUMOUR

Recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.
That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
(David Bissonette)

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
(Sacha Guitry)

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
(Hemant Joshi)

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
(Socrates)

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
(Dumas)

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?
(Sigmund Freud)

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
(Anonymous)

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
(Henry Youngman)

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
(Sam Kinison)

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
(James Holt McGavran)

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't."
(Patrick Murray)

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
(Nash)

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
(Anonymous)

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
(Henny Youngman)

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
(Rodney Dangerfield)

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
(Milton Berle)

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
(Anonymous)

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
(Anonymous)

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on June 11, 2006, 05:33:34 AM
uhhhh mike, i mean chuck, is this you?!?!?!?!

A drunken man walks into a bar.

The bartender sees that he is already 5 sheets to the wind, and proceeds to inform the man,
"I'm sorry sir, but you will have to leave. We don't serve anyone that drunk in this bar."

The man scowls at the bartender, but stumbles out anyway.

Not 15 minutes later, the drunk stumbles back in the bar.

So the bartender, slightly annoyed at this point, tells the man the same thing he did before.

This time the drunk starts cussing profusely and refuses to leave. But when the bouncer comes over and tells the man to leave, he finally obliges.

About 30 minutes later, the same drunk comes through the door again!

The bartender is really pissed now. So he yells at the drunk to leave, because "we don't serve drunks here!"

Baffled and angry, the drunk says "Damn! How many bars do you work at?!?"
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on June 11, 2006, 05:38:38 AM
Plthijnx and Fireflyr are having a debate about the depth of large hole they find in the ground. They can't see the bottom and both are speculating pointlessly. Fireflyr suggests they drop a pebble down the hole and count how long it takes till it hits bottom.

They drop a pebble down and wait a while, but no sound comes back.

"We need a bigger rock." offers plthijnx. They drop a basketball sized stone down the hole, and wait and wait and still, no sound.

Fireflyr and plthijnx look at one another and say "wow, that is a deep hole. We need to find a really huge rock so it makes a loud enough noise for us to hear."

They search around a while and can't find a rock, but they do find a railroad tie, so they drag it over to the hole and shove it in. They stand watching it for a bit when all of a sudden a goat comes leaping out of the bushes and charges straight at them. They both jump out of the way and the goat dives head first into the hole.

They look at each other and say "Holy s$#@! did you see that? That was some weird a$$ crap, just then. That goat charged us and then dove into the hole."

They decide to leave the hole alone, and begin to walk away.

Just then, Mike walks up and says "hey guys, did you see a goat around here?"

"Well, yeah. This goat just attacked us then jumped in that hole over there." Said fireflyr.

"It couldn't have been my goat." said Mike, "My goat was chained to a railroad tie."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on June 11, 2006, 05:45:23 AM
A group of pilots went to a retreat in the mountains.
To save money, they decided to sleep two to a room. But no one wanted to room with plthijnx because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first pilot slept in plthijnx's room and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said,"Man, Mike, what happened to you?" He said, "plthijnx snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different pilot's turn. In the morning, same thing -- hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Whoa, bad night Happylaning? You look awful!" She said, "Geez, that plthijnx shakes the roof. I watched him all night."

The third night was fireflyr's turn. Fireflyr was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said.

They couldn't believe it! They said, "Wow, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked plthijnx into bed and kissed him good night. He sat up and watched me all night long."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on June 11, 2006, 05:49:04 AM
A West Texas cowboy was herding his cows in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If
I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA
page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to
another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.
Within receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.

He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few
minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the
cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy. He watches the young man select one of the animals and
looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?" The
young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says the cowboy.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I
already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about
cows.

Now give me back my dog."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on June 11, 2006, 02:29:13 PM
HAHAHA!!! Good boy, Plthijnx!!! these are unforgettable!!
You're a living encyclopedia of jokes!!!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: fireflyr on June 11, 2006, 02:58:33 PM
"goat chained to a railroad tie" ----where was the swallow first warning on that one?  ROFFLMAO!!!!!!!!!! ;D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: fireflyr on June 11, 2006, 03:02:52 PM
"tucked him into bed a give him a kiss" ::) ::)--HAHAAA--my reputation precedes me!!!!!! :-* :-* :-*
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: diveej on June 11, 2006, 11:34:55 PM
i am new and i read all of that phylhinks or whatevers jokes and ur the funnyest person i have never met keep those jokes coming my friends u are awesome ;D...please post more jokes humor i NEED humor
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on June 12, 2006, 01:27:08 AM
why thank you diveej, and just to break format a little bit in the humor thread, this is how much i appreciate your comment:

Fly Low (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v9T51UsuaPU&search=Flying)

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: fireflyr on June 12, 2006, 01:33:49 PM
Now there's some hotdogs havng all the fun!!   You notice the guy looking at a chart while they are screaming along at low altitude? 
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: diveej on June 12, 2006, 02:34:13 PM
i have a question do u make up all those jokes or copy and paste from other sites and if it is other sites could u give me the adress
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on June 12, 2006, 05:00:31 PM
i sort through the bad ones and post the good ones!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on June 12, 2006, 09:35:24 PM
Even if it's summer....that's a good laugh  :)
 :) :) :) :) :) :)

Santa Claus, upon trudging out to his sleigh for his annual night freight trip around the world, was surprised to find a guy with a shotgun standing next to his rig. Santa asked him why he was there. The man replied, "I'm from the FAA, and this is an unscheduled 135 inspection. I'll ride right seat." Santa responded, "With all due respects, sir, I've been doing this flight for over 700 years -- but if you insist, well, let's go." As they both climbed into the sleigh, Santa noticed that the FAA inspector brought his shotgun along with him, placing it in his lap, with his finger on the trigger. Santa queried, "What's the shotgun for?" To which the FAA inspector grumbled, "You're going to lose two on takeoff..."


Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on June 12, 2006, 09:54:23 PM
ever seen a blonde on a helicopter?

How does a blonde explain how her helicopter crashed?
She says it was getting cold, so she turned off the ceiling fan..............



Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on June 13, 2006, 02:25:48 AM
The big game hunter, Fireflyr, walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his
hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one would
dispute that. Then he said that they could blindfold him and he would
recognize any animal's skin from its feel and, if he could locate the
bullet hole, he would even tell them what caliber the bullet was that
killed the animal. The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if
they would put up the drinks. So the bet was on.
They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin.
After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Bear." Then he felt
the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle." He was right.
They brought him another skin from someone's car trunk. He took a bit
longer this time and then said, "Elk. Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle. He was right
again.
Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks.

Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind and went to sleep.

The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one huge black
eye. He said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk
enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this
black eye?"
His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed, put
your hand down my panties, fiddled around a bit and then loudly yelled,
"Skunk... killed with an axe."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on June 13, 2006, 02:41:43 AM
A lady, plthijnx's soon to be ex-wife, walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide.
The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need Cyanide?"
The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord, have mercy -- I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen!
Absolutely not, you can NOT have any Cyanide?"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, " Well, now. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: fireflyr on June 13, 2006, 03:09:23 AM
NOOOOW YOU'VE DONE IT!!!!!!!!!! :o
My wife walked in, asked me who I was on the phone with and what did I mean when I said "she's heard worse than that" and being the honest forthright person that I am, I showed her your post------------------------Do you realize how fast I had to talk so as not to spend the night in the guest bedroom???? HMMMM?
I finally mollified her with assurances that plthijnx is just a good ole boy with a warped sense of humor and a snotlocker full of booze having a good time trying to get me in trouble---it's not my fault---I am an innocent bystander and I was just laughing so hard trying to make plthijnx feel good etc etc etc blah blah blah.
Pal, I gotta warn ya, this woman is 6 feet tall, 155 lbs of mean full blooded Italian who makes her living by cutting people with knives (so what if it's in the operating room--the potential is still there!)  :-\
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on June 13, 2006, 03:21:34 PM
tell her it's alright, my dad was a general surgeon. (thank Gawd! b/c he had to put me back together a few times!)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Stef on June 13, 2006, 03:53:57 PM
Yes, it is a dangerous business, hanging around here...  ;D

The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need Cyanide?"
The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.

This just reminded me of something that happened to me. Not a joke, this really happened!

When I was living in Japan, I had ant problem in my apartment, so I went off to the pharmacy to get some poison. My Japanese being not the best, I had to look up the word "ant" which is "ari" in Japanese. But somehow, until I got there, the word "ari" and "ani" got mixed up in my head, so I asked for something to kill "ani"... which is "older brother" in Japanese!!  ;D The pharmacist gave me a strange look and so I repeated my question.... Well, fortunately after one awkward minute he figured out what I meant and didn't call the police.  ::) Hehehe...
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on June 13, 2006, 04:46:59 PM
plus:

aren't I lucky??
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Frank N. O. on June 13, 2006, 07:30:22 PM
ROFL, rude but I can see the joke in it, and that's the main ingredient in humour!
That prescription was really funny (as a joke only of course).

Jim: I got the feeling you seriously were in trouble by that, is your wife really a tall italian lady?

Stef: LOL, good thing he considered you might've made a speech-error, smart thinking on his part  |:)\ And lucky for you! :D
Mike: Heck yes you're lucky! It's always the younger brothers that are the most sneaky, we learn from the best! :D

Frank
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on June 13, 2006, 10:03:03 PM
A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event
hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no  shortage of
extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom
approached the  Sergeant Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.
Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said,   "It
looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said,
"You know, you should lighten up a little.

  Relax and  enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this
the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
"1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking
everything so seriously!  I mean, no sex since 1955!
  She took   his hand and led him to a private room where she
proceeded to "relax"   him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest
and  said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his
matter-of-fact  voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."

(Don't ya love military time?!)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Firegirl on June 13, 2006, 10:06:58 PM
HIS DIARY AND HER DIARY:


1. HER DIARY
Tonight I thought he was acting weird.
We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink.
I was shopping with my friends all day long,
so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late,
but he made no comment.
Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere
quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent.
I asked him what was wrong; he said nothing.
I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.
He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry
On the way home I told him that I loved him,
he simply smiled & kept driving.
I can't explain his behavior.
I don't know why he didn't say I love you too.
When we got home I felt as if I had lost him,
as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore
He just sat there and watched T.V.
He seemed distant and absent.
Finally, I decided to go to bed.
About 10 minutes later he came to bed,
and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love,
but I still felt that he was distracted & his thoughts were somewhere else.
He fell asleep - I cried.
I don't know what to do.
I'm almost sure that
his thoughts are with someone else.
My life is a disaster.



2. HIS DIARY
I shot the worst round of golf in my life today,
but at least I got laid.

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: fireflyr on June 13, 2006, 11:59:07 PM
YEA MIke, gotta love them Marines ;D

Firegirl, do you realize that not only funny---------but it's the truth! ;D

Yes Frank, she really is that big---but I'm 6' 3" and weigh 235 pounds so I got the edge unless, of course she sneaks up on me ;) ;)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on June 14, 2006, 12:15:56 AM

Firegirl, do you realize that not only funny---------but it's the truth! ;D


good thing that one came from a girl, huh?!  ;)

and yeah, it totally is the truth! (did your wife see this one yet, fireflyer?  ;) heh heh....)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: fireflyr on June 14, 2006, 12:20:19 AM

Firegirl, do you realize that not only funny---------but it's the truth! ;D


good thing that one came from a girl, huh?! ;)

and yeah, it totally is the truth! (did your wife see this one yet, fireflyer? ;) heh heh....)
No but I'm sure she'd be okay with it---YEAH RIGHT--open mouth, insert foot---Dang, I did it again---Soooo how much money do I have to send this time to keep it quiet!!!! ???
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on June 14, 2006, 06:30:48 AM

2. HIS DIARY
I shot the worst round of golf in my life today,
but at least I got laid.



How does it happen that I never find boyfriend who play golf? Maybe I could understand him better! Does it work with other sports too?!?!?!?!?!  :) :) :) :)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on June 14, 2006, 04:53:19 PM
Enjoy!!!!  :D :D :D :D


(busy) Moncton Center: "Speedbird 169 cleared direct Chibougamau"
BAW169: "I'm sorry, sir, can you repeat that?"
CZQM: "Speedbird 169 cleared direct Yankee Mike Tango"
BAW169: "Direct Yankee Mike Tango for Speedbird 169. What was that name again?"
CZQM: "It's called Chibougamau"
BAW169: "Would you say again, please?"
CZQM: "Chibougamau. I say again, Chibougamau!"
BAW169: "Oh, how quaint. What does it mean?"
CZQM: "It's eskimo for f--- off!"

--------------------------

Tomahawk: "F-XAA is final 29, touch and go."
Tower: "XAA is cleared touch and go, 29".
(several long circuits later)
Tomahawk: "F-XAA is final 29, touch and go"
Tower: "F-XAA is cleared touch and go, 29. How many more circuits were you planning on making?"
Tomahawk: "We though we'd make one or two more."
Tower: "Roger. I just wondered because we were calculating your landing fees, and you're up to $13,000 now."
(long delay)
Tomahawk: "THAT WAS OUR LAST ONE!!!!!"
(another long delay)
Tower: "Just kidding. Next time, read your flight supplement."

-------------------------------------

Control: You're unreadable, say again.
Motor-glider: I've turned off the engine, is that better?
Control: (looong pause)


 ;) ;) ;) ;) ;)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on June 15, 2006, 09:50:49 PM
Three couples were coming home from dinner one night in the same car. Unfortunately the car was in a horrible accident and they all died. When they got to the pearly gates, St. Peter said to them, "Before you may enter Heaven, you must tell me why you should be allowed in."

The first man went up to St. Peter and said, "I've been a good man my entire life. I read the Bible everyday and never take the Lord's name in vain." St. Peter said, "True, but you are so in love with with money that you married a woman named Penny." And with that they were sent to hell.

The second man went up to St. Peter and said, "I've been a great guy all of my life, I go to church every Sunday, and I've read the entire Bible four times." St. Peter said, "True, but you love to drink so much that you married a woman named Sherrie." And with that they were sent to hell.

The third man, overhearing what had been said, looked at his wife and said, "Awww shit, we're never gonna make this, come on Fannie, lets go."

 ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Frank N. O. on June 15, 2006, 10:11:24 PM
Great ones all of you  |:)\

For the record about the time then in DK we normally use 24-hour time and it's confusing as heck when you have a time in one system and a clock using the other, and now with such long days as we here so far from equator then when sleeping off-hours it can be confusing to find out if it's morning or evening with a 12 hour clock, we do normally put a : inbetween hours and minutes hehe.

About the one with the motorglider then I heard the story as it had a noisy muffler and was in transit flight to a place to get it fixed. I can seriously see this one as being real and man did I want to see that ATC's face :D

What's that again about the flight-supplement for that airport? I read that in another variant of that story too but can't remember it.

Interesting diary-story but I can more relate to her way of thinking than his. What nice person would not pay attention to a nice lady's company and not notice she got concerned? Tsk tsk. However I do still love to laugh at such stereotype stories (at the male's experience of course) :D

Frank
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on June 17, 2006, 01:29:36 PM
YOU MAY BE A REDNECK PILOT IF:

your stall warning plays "Dixie."

your cross-country flight plan uses flea markets as check points.

you think sectionals charts should show trailer parks.

you've ever used moonshine as avgas.

you have mud flaps on your wheel pants.

you think GPS stands for going perfectly straight.

your toothpick keeps poking your mike.

you constantly confuse Beechcraft with Beechnut.

just before impact, you are heard saying, "Hey y'all, watch this!"

you have a black airplane with a big #3 on the side.

you've ever just taxied around the airport drinking beer.

you use a Purina feed bag for a windsock.

you fuel your wizzbang 140 from a Mason jar.

you wouldn't be caught dead flyin' a Grumman "Yankee."

you refer to flying in formation as "We got ourselves a convoy!"

there is a sign on the side of your aircraft advertising your septic tank service.

the set of "matched luggage" you take on your long cross-country flights is
three grocery sacks from the same Piggly Wiggly!

when you are the owner of Red Neck Airlines and pilot of Redneck One.

you subscribe to The Southern Aviator because of the soft paper!
P.S. - If you don't believe me, try cleaning yourself with one of those slick
magazines?!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Gulfstream Driver on June 17, 2006, 02:42:53 PM
What an interesting voyage into plthijnx's day.   :D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on June 17, 2006, 09:26:35 PM
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young engineer, fresh out of MIT “and what starting salary were you looking for?”…The engineer said “in the neighbour of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package”. The interviewer said “well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, a company matching retirement fund for 50% of your salary, and a company car leased ever 2 years…say a red Corvette?”. The engineer sat up straight and said “wow! Are you kidding?”. And the interviewer replied “Yeah, but you started it……”. ;D >:( ;D >:( ;D >:(    ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on June 21, 2006, 08:32:02 PM
Plthijinx,
your help is needed! I'm really looking forward for  a good laugh today! Any ideas?!?!?!?  |:)\ |:)\
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on June 21, 2006, 11:30:59 PM
sorry sweetheart. been out of pocket. not feeling to humorous right now.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Frank N. O. on June 22, 2006, 01:43:43 AM
I'll try, sorry if there are repeaters, there's been a lot of fuel thrue the combustor since last I checked this forum so I might post a few repeaters, but anything to try and cheer someone up. I'll post a lot so I hope there are at least a few new ones for at least some of you. The copied story is in italic, normal text above the story are my own comments.
---
TOWER: PH-ABC, check you have the gear down?
PILOT: Sir, it has been down since this aircraft was built.

---
PILOT: Good morning, Frankfurt ground, KLM 242 request start up and push back, please.
GROUND: KLM 242 expect start up in two hours.
PILOT: Please confirm, two hours delay?
GROUND: Affirmative.
PILOT: In that case, cancel the good morning!

---
TOWER: Mission 1234, your are cleared to...via...and via...After take off... and...then...climb to...and further...and descend...further instructions on frequency...or...and squawk...Acknowledge please!
PILOT: Roger tower, we are cancelling IFR.

---
I wonder if this was the one that was used for a certain Chicken Wings strip that had a similar story or if that's a normal occurance for pilots (I sure hope it's the first rather than the second though!)?
CONTROLLER : Delta Oscar Mike, squawk 0476.
PILOT : Say again.
CONTROLLER : Squawk 0476.
PILOT : Four, zero....?
CONTROLLER : Wollen sie nen leichteren haben?

---
PILOT : Tower,request permission to enter zone XY.
TOWER : Negative!
PILOT : Did you say negative ?
TOWER : Affirmative
PILOT : Understood affirmative.I will call you leaving the zone.

---
PILOT : Does the enemy F-16 come from east or west?
TOWER : Yes.
PILOT : Yes,what?
TOWER : Yes,SIR!

---
I really like this one :D
CONTROLLER : Delta Zulu Romeo,turn right now and report your heading.
PILOT: Wilco.341, 342, 343, 344, 345....

---
A nice variation on a classic :D
TOWER : Say fuelstate.
PILOT : fuelstate.
TOWER : Say again.
PILOT : again.
TOWER : Arghl,give me your fuel!!
PILOT : Sorry, need it by myself.....

---
ATC's can do it too :D
PILOT : ....Tower, please call me a fuel truck.
TOWER : Roger.You are a fuel truck.

---
Ouch!
Santa Claus, upon trudging out to his sleigh for his annual night freight trip around the world, was surprised to find a guy with a shotgun standing next to his rig. Santa asked him why he was there. The man replied, "I'm from the FAA, and this is an unscheduled 135 inspection. I'll ride right seat." Santa responded, "With all due respects, sir, I've been doing this flight for over 700 years -- but if you insist, well, let's go." As they both climbed into the sleigh, Santa noticed that the FAA inspector brought his shotgun along with him, placing it in his lap, with his finger on the trigger. Santa queried, "What's the shotgun for?" To which the FAA inspector grumbled, "You're going to lose two on takeoff..."
---
Seriously, I really like this one, I can see this as a poster on the wall!
The Pilot's Prayer

Oh controller, who sits in tower
Hallowed be thy sector.
Thy traffic come, thy instructions be done
On the ground as they are in the air.
Give us this day our radar vectors,
And forgive us our TCA incursions (*)
As we forgive those who cut us off on final.
And lead us not into adverse weather,
But deliver us our clearances.

Roger.

---
And one for the slingers (my own just-now invented word for sling-wing pilots :D)
Commandments of Helicopter Flying.

* He who inspecteth not his aircraft giveth his angels cause to concern him.
* Hallowed is thy airflow across thy disc restoring thine Translational Lift.
* Let infinite discretion govern thy movement near the ground, for vast is the area of destruction.
* Blessed is he who strives to retain his standards, for without them he shall surely perish.
* Thou shalt maintain thy speed whilst between ten and four hundred feet lest the earth rise and smite thee.
* Thou shall not make trial of thy centre of gravity lest thou dash thy foot against a stone.
* Thou shalt not let thy confidence exceed thy ability, for broad is the way to destruction.
* He that doeth his approach and alloweth the wind to turn behind him shall surely make restitution.
* He who alloweth his tail rotor to catch in the thorns curseth his childrens children.
* Observe thou this parable lest on the morrow thy friends mourn thee.

---
A friend of a friend, who is an airline copilot, told the following stories about a captain with whom he often flew. This guy was an excellent pilot, but not real good at making passengers feel at ease.

For example, one time the airplane in front of him blew a tire on landing, scattering chunks of rubber all over the runway. He was aked to hold while the trucks came out and cleaned up. His announcement:

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm afraid there will be a short delay before our arrival. They've closed the airport while they clean up what's left of the last airplane that landed there.

Then there was the time they were flying through turbulence. Some of the passengers became alarmed at how much the wings were bending in the rough air and one of the flight attendants relayed that message to the captain. His announcement:

Ladies and gentlemen, I've been informed that some of you have noticed our wings bending in the turbulence. In fact, the flight attendant told me that the wing tips are bending as much as ten feet in the bumps. Well, that's perfectly normal; there's nothing to worry about. Our wings are designed to bend as much as thirteen feet at the tips and, as you can see, we're nowhere near that yet.

---
NY Ctr: "Federal Express 235, descend, maintain three one zero, expect lower in ten miles."
FedEx 235: "Okay, outta three five for three one oh, FedEx two thirty-five."
NY Ctr: "Delta fahv twuntee, climb one ninah zeruh, dat'll be finah..."
Delta 520: "Uhh... up to one niner zero, Delta five twenty."
NY Ctr: "Al-italia wonna sixxa, you slowa to two-a-fifty, please."
Alitalia 16: "HEY! You make-a funna Alitalia?!"
NY Ctr: "Oh, no! I make-a funna Delta anna FedEx!"

---
Q. Why did Santa Claus ask Rudolf to lead his sleigh team?
A. Rudolf was the only one who was IFR current.

---
PILOT: Toronto Terminal, FQOZ is a Cherokee 140, Burlington skyway at 3500, VFR to Buttonville via the island, would like to get as high as possible.
ATC:QOZ, cleared to flight level 230.
PILOT: {sputter, gasp!} Say again! Did you say flight level 230 for QOZ?!
ATC:Just kidding; I can give you up to 6500.

---

To be continued...
Frank
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on June 22, 2006, 10:24:06 AM
thank you! I really needed some good laugh! :)
In the meantime a found one....

Mickey and Minnie Mouse were at court for divorce proceedings. The judge told Mickey, "Look here Mickey Mouse, I can't grant you a divorce from Minnie!"

Mickey Mouse was stunned and asked, "Why not???"

The Judge said, "I've reviewed all the information you gave to the court, but I can't find any evidence at all to support the grounds that she is crazy!"

Mickey Mouse says, "Your Honour! I didn't say she was CRAZY, I said she was f**ing Goofy!"
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: fireflyr on June 23, 2006, 02:54:02 AM
What an interesting voyage into plthijnx's day.   :D

Don't blame him!!!
How would you feel if you were an engineer and never got a chance to drive a locomotive, you'd be frustared too ;D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on June 24, 2006, 02:56:58 AM
Don't blame him!!!
How would you feel if you were an engineer and never got a chance to drive a locomotive, you'd be frustared too ;D
i can drive my locomotive juuuuuuust fine. and without the help of viagra  ;D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on June 24, 2006, 02:57:34 AM
ok happy, i'm here to make you happy!

A blind man walks into a bar, makes his way to a bar stool and orders adrink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender. "Hey, You wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think
it is only fair that you should know five things.
Number One. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
Number Two. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
Number Three. I'm a six-foot-tall, 175 lb. Blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
Number Four. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
Number Five. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
She concludes by smugly asking, "Now think about it seriously, do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,
"Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five freaking times.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on June 24, 2006, 02:58:10 AM
Up in Heaven, Alexander the Great, Frederick the Great and Napoleon are looking down on events in Iraq.
Alexander says, "Wow, if I had just one of Bush's armored divisions, I would definitely have conquered India."
Frederick the Great states, "Surely if I only had a few squadrons of Bush's air force I would have won the Seven Years War decisively in a matter of weeks."
There is a long pause as the three continue to watch events. Then Napoleon speaks, "And if I only had that Fox News, no one would have ever known that I lost the Russia campaign."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on June 24, 2006, 02:59:17 AM
fireflyr?? is that you??

A not necessarily well-prepared student sat in his life science classroom, staring at a question on the final exam paper. The question directed: "Give four advantages of breast milk."
He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best:
1. No need to boil.
2. Never goes sour.
3. Available whenever necessary.
So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a fourth answer.
 Once more, he sighed. He frowned. He scowled, then wrote.....
4. Available in attractive containers of varying sizes.
He received an A.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on June 24, 2006, 02:59:57 AM
gotta jab at happy here.....

Three fastest means of communication in the world.
3. Tele-phone
2. Tele-vision
1. Tell-a-woman.
You still want faster? Tell her not to tell anyone.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on June 24, 2006, 03:00:58 AM
Ahmadinejad calls Bush and tells him: "President Bush, I called because I had a dream."
Bush: "What was the dream about, Ahmadinejad?"
Ahmadinejad: "I dreamt that USA was rebuilt and on the top of each house there was a sign."
Bush: "And what was written on the sign?"
Ahmadinejad: "Allah is big, Allah is great!!!"
Bush: "You know what Ahmadinejad, it's good that you called because I had a dream too.
In my dream Iran was rebuilt and on the top of each Building there was a sign too."
Ahmadinejad: "what was written on the signs?"
Bush: "I don't know, I can't read Hebrew!!!!"

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on June 24, 2006, 03:05:11 AM
A lady walks into a BMW dealership. She browses around, then spots the perfect car - a BMW 3 and walks over to inspect it.
As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now. As she turns around, there standing next to her is a salesman.
"Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?" Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?" He answers, "Madame, if you farted just touching it, you are going to sh@$ yourself when you hear the price!"
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on June 24, 2006, 03:05:52 AM
A little scrawny guy goes into a bar.
He is shortly followed by a big burly trucker.
As they sit at the bar drinking suddenly... BAM!!!
The trucker backhands the little guy, and says "That's my Karate from Korea."
Little guy gets back on the barstool and resumes drinking.
Five minutes later... WHAM!!!
The trucker backhands the little guy, and says "That's my Ju Jitsu from Japan."
The little guy leaves the bar, and comes back in five minutes.
He walks up behind the trucker and... KA-POW!!!
He looks at the bartender and says, ”Tell him that was my sledgehammer from Sears!"
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on June 24, 2006, 03:08:16 AM
aaaaaaaaaaaand for you poker fans:

Freddie Mercury, Versace and Princess Di arrive at the Pearly gates. St Peter explains that only one can get through and that they each have to put forward their case for entry.
Freddie says "I know I haven't led a perfect life and I've made some mistakes along the way, but I've made some of the most beautiful music in the world. I'll stand at the back of heaven, and serenade everybody with my wondrous songs, making heaven a far happier place to be"
"Pretty good, Fred" said St Peter, "what about you Gianni?"
Versace says, "I make the most beautiful clothes in the world. I'll completely redesign the fashions up here, from the archangels to the cherubs to the choirboys. As you well know Pete if you look good you will feel good and that will make heaven a much happier place"
"Not bad" says St Peter. "What about you Di?"
Diana doesn't say a word, instead she lifts up her skirt and pulls down her knickers, inserts a full bottle of Evian water into her arse, lets the water shoot up inside her and then gush out all over the floor.
"Excellent, you're in" says St Peter
"Hold on a freaking minute" says Freddie "She didn't even say anything"
"Bollocks, Fred you know the rules" says St Peter, "A royal flush beats a pair of Queens...."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on June 24, 2006, 08:31:41 AM
ok happy, i'm here to make you happy!

OhOhOh wow!!!! Thank you Plthijnx, these were just gorgeous!!!!  ;D ;D ;D Wonderful way to begin day with! I should insert the line of what usually happens to Fireflyr with wine, but I was drinking coffee instead! BTW, What you say about fastest means of communication is true. but to be honest I discovered once that the line "I tell you, but do not tell anybody" works as an automatic retransmission or amplification of  message for everybody! I remember once, I went out with some friends and I was talking to a guy. I was telling him something, and I said this exact sentence. Just time to finish it, he bent to one side, and straightly repeated what I had said to a friend of his. I was toooooooo shocked not to laugh  ;)  And well, I will definitely change hair colour.......... :) :) :) :)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on June 26, 2006, 02:39:55 PM
Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous.

They are always getting into trouble and their parents know all about it. If any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.

So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher later in the afternoon. The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?"

The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open. So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?!"

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God?!"

The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home & dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time.”

"GOD is missing, and they think we did it!"
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on June 26, 2006, 02:41:33 PM
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and
noticed he had his collar on backwards.
The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way. The man, who was a
priest, said, " I am a Father."
The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."
The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of
many."
The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he
doesn't wear his collar that way."
The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds" and
went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and
said, "Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your
collar."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on June 26, 2006, 02:42:27 PM
A Guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde. He
immediately turns to her and makes his move.



"You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike
up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk."



The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the
guy, "What would you like to discuss?"



"Oh, I don't know," says the guy, smiling. "How about nuclear power?"



"OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask
you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff --
grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty,
and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"



The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."



"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss
nuclear power when you don't know sh$t?"
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: diveej on June 27, 2006, 05:02:41 PM
holy crap the two children one and the colllor one is HALORIOUS but i didnt get the last one... ur so funny...
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: diveej on June 27, 2006, 07:13:58 PM
this guy walks into a bar and bets the bartender 300 dollars that he could pee into a cup from 20 feet away. the bartender takes the bet. the guy pees all over except the cup (on the guy,the floor the ceiling) and then the bartender chuckles and says hand over the money. The Man Says ok let me go get it. so the man comes back with 300 dollars and hands it to the bartender. The man starts laughing. the bartender asks the man why are you laughing you just lost 300 dollors. the man shakes his head and says no i didnt, see those 5 guys over there? i bet them 500 dollars each that i could pee all over your bar and you and not only would you not be angry, but you would be happy.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: diveej on June 27, 2006, 07:14:48 PM
The Big Flood
It had been raining for days and days, and a terrible flood had come over the land. The waters rose so high that one man was forced to climb onto the roof of his house.

As the waters rose higher and higher, a man in a rowboat appeared, and told him to get in. "No," replied the man on the roof. "I have faith in the Lord; the Lord will save me." So the man in the rowboat went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him.

The waters rose higher and higher, and suddenly a speedboat appeared. "Climb in!" shouted a man in the boat. "No," replied the man on the roof. "I have faith in the Lord; the Lord will save me." So the man in the speedboat went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him.


The waters continued to rise. A helicopter appeared and over the loudspeaker, the pilot announced he would lower a rope to the man on the roof. "No," replied the man on the roof. "I have faith in the Lord; the Lord will save me." So the helicopter went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him.

The waters rose higher and higher, and eventually they rose so high that the man on the roof was washed away, and alas, the poor man drowned.

Upon arriving in heaven, the man marched straight over to God. "Heavenly Father," he said, "I had faith in you, I prayed to you to save me, and yet you did nothing. Why?" God gave him a puzzled look, and replied "I sent you two boats and a helicopter, what more did you expect?"
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: diveej on June 27, 2006, 07:15:33 PM
three women(blondes ) are trapped on a desert island and are wondering wot to do they all decide after some time to try and get off the island
they fumble around in the foreset and they manage to find a magic lamp they rub it (not in that way) and a genie pops out and say s i will grant you all one wish
the first blonde says to the genie I would like to be 10 times more clever -the genie snaps his fingers there is a puff of pink smoke and the blonde runs into the forest builds a canoe and sails away
the second asks to be 100 times more cleverer there is a puff of pink smoke she runs off uilds a yaught and sails away
the third is greedy and says I would like to be 1million times more clevererer this time there is a puff of blue smoke and the blonde turns into a man and walks across the bridge home


Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: diveej on June 27, 2006, 07:15:49 PM
Yo moma so stupid she threw a grenade at me, i pulled the pin out, and threw it back
 
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Ted_Stryker on June 29, 2006, 03:46:19 PM
Sent to me by an ex-USAF Recci F4 Driver....who had it sent to him... who...

anyway... ENJOY!!   ;D

This is a hoot!!!


Instrument Flying..

Most people wish to fly on the old gauges at one time or another but are prevented by the high cost of the instruments necessary for this form of flight. The following is a more or less known and extremely simple method which may be used by all.

Place a live cat on the cockpit floor, because a cat always remains upright, he or she can be used in lieu of a needle and ball instrument. Merely watch to see which way he leans to determine if a wing is low and if so, which one. This will enable you to your aircraft level in route with complete accuracy and confidence.

A duck is used for final instrument approach and landing, because of the fact that any sensible old duck will refuse to fly under instrument conditions, it is only necessary to hurl your duck out of the cockpit window and follow her to the ground.

There are some limitations on the cat and duck method, but by rigidly adhering to the following check list a degree of success will be achieved which will not only startle you, but will astonish your passengers as well, and may have an occasional tower operator with an open mouth.

· Get a wide-awake cat, most cats do not want to stand up all the time, so it may be necessary to carry a fierce dog along to keep the cat at attention.

· Make sure your cat is clean, dirty cats will spend all the time washing. Trying to follow a washing cat usually results in a slow roll followed by an inverted spin. You will see that this is most unprofessional.

· Old cats are the best, young cats have nine lives, but an old used up cat with only one life left has just as much to loose and will be more dependable.

· Avoid stray cats. Try to get one with good character because you may want to spend time with her.

· Beware of cowardly ducks, if the duck discovers that you are using the cat to stay upright, she will refuse to leave the aeroplane without the cat. Ducks are no better on instruments than you are.

· Get a duck with good eyes. Near sighted ducks sometimes fail to recognise that they are on the old gauges and will go flogging into the nearest hill. Very near sighted ducks will not realise that they have been thrown out and will descend to the ground in a sitting position. This is a most difficult manoeuvre to follow in an airplane.

· Choose your duck carefully, it is easy to confuse ducks with geese. Many large birds look alike. While they are very competent instrument flyers, geese seldom want to go in the same direction that you do. If your duck seems to be taking a heading to Ireland or Sweden, you may be safe in assuming that someone has given you a goose.

By: Sqn Ldr G. E. Whitelam Int 3, HQ STC

 
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: diveej on July 04, 2006, 03:22:21 PM
1200 people attended the recent International Psychic Society
conference.

Moderator: "How many attendees believe in ghosts?"
(Over 80% of the hands were raised)

Moderator: "How many have actually seen a ghost?"
(58% of the hands were raised)

Moderator: "How many believe that a ghost can be solid?"
(23% of the hands were raised)

Moderator: "How many have ever physically touched a ghost?"
(3% of the hands were raised)

Moderator: "How many have ever had sex with a ghost?"
(After some pause one lonely hand at the back of the hall went up)

Moderator: "May I ask where you are from, sir?"
Attendee: "I am from Australia."

Moderator: "And you say you've had sex with a ghost?"

Attendee: "Oh sorry! I thought you said "goat."

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: diveej on July 04, 2006, 03:22:47 PM
There were three men who were lost in the forest. They were then
captured by cannibals. The cannibal king then told the prisoners
that they could live if they pass the trial. First step of the
trial is to go to the forest with the cannibals and get ten pieces
of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to
gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten
apples." The king then explains the trial to him. You have to shove
the fruits up your ass without any expression on your face or you'll
be eaten. The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced
out in pain, so he was killed and went to heaven.

The second one arrives and shows the king his ten fruits were berries.
When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that
this should be easy. 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... 7... 8... on the
ninth berry he burst out in laughter, therefore also was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked,
"Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?"

The second one replied, "I know, but I couldn't help it. I was doing
just great when all of a sudden that third guy showed up with all
those watermelons!"
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on July 05, 2006, 05:00:28 PM
A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him.

He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.


As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.


The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door.

She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him.

"I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me toSunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.

Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on July 07, 2006, 02:32:58 PM
HOHOHO.........

A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says. "I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow*** there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free."

The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. "Where do you think you going?" the wife asks. "I'm coming with you...I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!"

 ;) ;) ;)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Zaffex on July 07, 2006, 06:33:49 PM
Not to sound whiny or "easily offended", but could we lay off just a little on the jokes concening my faith? I'm just asking.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Frank N. O. on July 08, 2006, 01:20:15 PM
I don't know if this would be considered humour but I'll post it anyway, and my comment to this is:
Even for danish standards that's really a casual uniform! :D

http://www.airliners.net/open.file/0171522/L/

Frank
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Gulfstream Driver on July 08, 2006, 06:33:24 PM
Looks like fireflyr!   :D :D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on July 08, 2006, 08:32:19 PM
This one is for you, Plthijnx:
 ;)


An elderly couple, Ray and Jean, are "snowbirds" in Arizona. Ray had always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one
day, he buys them, and wears them home walking proudly.
 
He walks into the house and says to his wife, "Notice anything
different about me?"
 
Jean looks him over, "Nope."
 
Frustrated, Ray storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back
into the room completely naked except for the cowboy boots.
 
Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT
NOW?"
 
Jean looks up and says, "Ray, what's different? It's hanging down
today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again
tomorrow."
 
Furious, Ray yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE?
IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!"
 

To which Bessie replies, "Shoul'da bought a hat, Ray, Should of bought a
hat!!!!."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on July 09, 2006, 09:52:05 PM
You should have bought a hat! HAHAHA!  ;D ;D ;D


A newlywed couple were spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin resort way up the mountains. They had registered on Saturday and had not been seen for five days.

An elderly couple ran the resort, and they were getting concerned about the welfare of these newlyweds.

The old man decided to go and see if they were all right. He knocked on the door of the cabin and a weak voice from inside answered. The old man asked if they were OK.

"Yes, we're fine. We're living on the....fruits of love."

The old man replied, "I thought so ... would you mind not throwing the peelings out the window? They're choking my ducks!"

____________________________________________

And this one.....
it's quite explicit (so, if it's too much, I beg you pardon and take it down as soon as you tell me!), but I heard it yesterday and I could not pass it down to you since it's tooo toooo tooooo funny....

So.......what's the difference between women and washing powder?
..........None, they do it best at 90 degrees....
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: fireflyr on July 11, 2006, 12:07:39 AM
Looks like fireflyr!   :D :D

ROFL!!!!!!!-------Eric, I'm gonna get you for that!!!!!!!!!!!!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Gulfstream Driver on July 11, 2006, 04:08:33 AM
Bring it on.  *insert squinting smiley*
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on July 11, 2006, 11:14:21 AM
Not to sound whiny or "easily offended", but could we lay off just a little on the jokes concening my faith? I'm just asking.

You mean catholic/christian jokes? I do not remember if I ever posted any, but if you feel offended I won't post anything alike. for me it's allright!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on July 11, 2006, 07:37:59 PM
Not to sound whiny or "easily offended", but could we lay off just a little on the jokes concening my faith? I'm just asking.

You mean catholic/christian jokes? I do not remember if I ever posted any, but if you feel offended I won't post anything alike. for me it's allright!

I didn't see anything offensive to be honest.  ???

Plus if we start analyzing every joke we might not end up with any in this thread here...
 no blonde jokes, no rabbis, no horses in a bar... :D

Let's do some more posting!!!

I think Plthijnx is in trouble again. He hasn't stopped by and we got an email from one of his friends...
So you guys need to step up and pick up the slack!!

Did we have this one yet?

 ;D
 Pilot: "Albuquerque Center, this is United 372.  I have an engine that
 just went out and I need to land.  No panic, but I need a runway that's
 close to my present location."
 Tower: "United 372, this is Albuquerque Center. You are cleared to
 land at [Name of town I have never heard of] Airport immediately."
 Pilot: (Who had obviously never heard of town either) "Hey, I'm not
 talking some crop duster airport here, Albuquerque Center."
 Tower: "United 372, that runway is 6,700 feet long. Is THAT  going
 to be enough for you, or do you want me to send someone up to help you land?"
 ;D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Ted_Stryker on July 11, 2006, 08:12:23 PM
Not to sound whiny or "easily offended", but could we lay off just a little on the jokes concening my faith? I'm just asking.

You mean catholic/christian jokes? I do not remember if I ever posted any, but if you feel offended I won't post anything alike. for me it's allright!

I didn't see anything offensive to be honest.  ???

Plus if we start analyzing every joke we might not end up with any in this thread here...
 no blonde jokes, no rabbis, no horses in a bar... :D

Let's do some more posting!!!

I think Plthijnx is in trouble again. He hasn't stopped by and we got an email from one of his friends...
So you guys need to step up and pick up the slack!!

Did we have this one yet?

 ;D
 Pilot: "Albuquerque Center, this is United 372.  I have an engine that
 just went out and I need to land.  No panic, but I need a runway that's
 close to my present location."
 Tower: "United 372, this is Albuquerque Center. You are cleared to
 land at [Name of town I have never heard of] Airport immediately."
 Pilot: (Who had obviously never heard of town either) "Hey, I'm not
 talking some crop duster airport here, Albuquerque Center."
 Tower: "United 372, that runway is 6,700 feet long. Is THAT  going
 to be enough for you, or do you want me to send someone up to help you land?"
 ;D

Hmm... just when I was going to post the joke about when Mr. Ed, the talking horse, had been ordained as the first blonde rabbi and when to the bar to celebrate!  Oy vey!

 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on July 11, 2006, 08:28:15 PM
I think Plthijnx is in trouble again. He hasn't stopped by and we got an email from one of his friends...
So you guys need to step up and pick up the slack!!

Oh no, I hope not! hope to hear from him soon here and know that's all right. doesn't seem he's being lucky lately.

-----------------------------------

So, here is one.......

Applying for a Job at the CIA   

    
    A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position.  After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available.

    The day came for the final test to see which peson would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions whatever the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair.  Take this gun and kill her."  The man looked horrified and said, "You can't be serious!  I could never shoot my wife!"   "Well," said the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."

    So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man.  "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair.  Take this gun and kill her."  The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes; then the door opened.  The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes.  "I tried to shoot her; I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife.  I guess I'm not the right man for the job."

    "No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

    Now they only had the woman left to test. They led her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun.   "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances; this is your final test.  Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing, one shot after another for 13 shots.  Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, rashing, and banging on the walls.  This went on for several minutes; then all went quiet.

    The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman.  She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks.  I had to beat the son of a bitch to death with the chair!"
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on July 11, 2006, 08:31:26 PM
And here is two....
So.....men beware!  ;) ;) ;)


I never have quite figured out why the sexual urges of men & women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Mars & Venus thing. And, I never have figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. And, I never yet have figured out how the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words "I do".

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT??" So she says the words that I and every husband on the planet dreads. She explains that I must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. I'm thinking, "What was her first clue?"

I finally realize that nothing is going to happen that night, so I went to bed. The very next day we went shopping at a big unnamed department store... I walked around while she tried on three very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her to take all three of them.

She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth $200 each to which I say OK. And then we go to the Jewelry Dept. where she gets a set of diamond earrings. Let me tell you ...she was so excited. She must have thought that I was one wave short of a shipwreck, but I don't think she cared. I think she was testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet because she doesn't even play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I told her that it was OK.

She was almost sexually excited from all of this and you should have seen her face when she said, "I'm ready to go, let's go to the cash register."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No, honey. I don't feel like buying all this stuff now." You should have seen her face ... it went completely blank. I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man."

I figure that I should be having sex again sometime during the Spring thaw.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on July 11, 2006, 08:45:19 PM
and 3..........

A purse snatcher stops an  old lady and begin searching into her bag. Finding nothing, he starts searching on her body, in her bra, in her panties….
Then, he exclaims “oh shit! You neither have a cent!”. And she replies: “no….but if you keep searching like this I sign you off a check!"   :o :o :o ;) ;) ;)


Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on July 12, 2006, 07:13:14 AM
tower: "You're gonna have to key the mic. I can't see you when you nod your head."


tower: "Put your compass on 'E' and get out of my airspace."


tower: "Hello flight 56, if you hear me rock your wings.."  flight 56: "OK TOWER, IF YOU HEAR ME ROCK THE TOWER!!"


Good morning, mates! :) :) :)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on July 12, 2006, 09:53:18 PM
The Geography of a Woman
------------------------
Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas.

Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.

Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.

Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.

Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future.

After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.


The Geography of a Man
------------------------
Between the ages of 15 - 70 a man is like Zimbabwe - ruled by a dick.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Ted_Stryker on July 12, 2006, 10:15:37 PM
Seen in AVWeb's "Short Final" Section recently....

Overheard while being vectored to the ILS 10 at KMSY:

Approach: Jet 123, maintain 9,000.

Jet 123: Um, ok, we're gonna go through it.

Approach: That's ok, climb and maintain 10,000.

Jet 123: Uh, we're on our way back down to 9,000, now.

Approach: Well, 10 is available, you're welcome to climb and maintain 10,000.

Jet 123: Why are you doing this to us?

Approach: Well, I'm trying to separate you from traffic behind you, if that's OK.

Jet 123: That's fine, but we just zero-g'd an aircraft with a US Senator aboard. We'd rather not squash him, now.

[pause]

Approach: If I'd known that, I'd have sent you back down to 5,000 first.


 ;D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: fireflyr on July 13, 2006, 01:37:42 AM
Bring it on.  *insert squinting smiley*
Actually, it does kind of look like me after a night of catfish, hush puppies, and beer! :-\ :-\
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Firegirl on July 13, 2006, 04:56:12 PM

tower: "Put your compass on 'E' and get out of my airspace."


This one is AWESOME!!!

Is this from a Chicken Wings strip I missed?

(I hope not, I tune in every Tuesday...)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on July 13, 2006, 05:26:11 PM
Is this from a Chicken Wings strip I missed?


 Firegirl: No, you did not miss a strip like this...but maybe someday Chuck is going to receive an answer alike...since he rides over Reno Airshow, you never know!
But, here are some others. I do not remember if they were already posted. if yes, they wil lbe just a refreshment!
_______________________________________________________________
Cessna: "Jones tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot, I am out of fuel."
Tower: "Roger Cessna 12345, reduce airspeed to best glide!! Do you have the airfield in sight?!?!!"
Cessna: "Uh...tower, I am on the south ramp; I just want to know where the fuel truck is." 
_______________________________________________________________
Cessna: Uh, ATC, verify you want me to taxi in front of the 747.
ATC: Yeah, it's OK. He's not hungry.
(that could explain how a plane become an heavy?!?   :)   )


On more serious subject:
@ Everybody: IMPORTANT QUESTION: any news about Plthijinx?!?!?!?!? Good news, hopefully?!?!?  ??? ??? ??? ???
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Ted_Stryker on July 13, 2006, 08:29:54 PM
Is this from a Chicken Wings strip I missed?


 Firegirl: No, you did not miss a strip like this...but maybe someday Chuck is going to receive an answer alike...since he rides over Reno Airshow, you never know!
But, here are some others. I do not remember if they were already posted. if yes, they wil lbe just a refreshment!
_______________________________________________________________
Cessna: "Jones tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot, I am out of fuel."
Tower: "Roger Cessna 12345, reduce airspeed to best glide!! Do you have the airfield in sight?!?!!"
Cessna: "Uh...tower, I am on the south ramp; I just want to know where the fuel truck is." 
_______________________________________________________________
Cessna: Uh, ATC, verify you want me to taxi in front of the 747.
ATC: Yeah, it's OK. He's not hungry.
(that could explain how a plane become an heavy?!?   :)   )


On more serious subject:
@ Everybody: IMPORTANT QUESTION: any news about Plthijinx?!?!?!?!? Good news, hopefully?!?!?  ??? ??? ??? ???


I haven't heard anything about him recently.  I do hope all is okay with him.  Sounds like things were going pretty rough over his way last I heard or saw.  Keep your fingers crossed!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on July 13, 2006, 11:01:53 PM

I haven't heard anything about him recently.  I do hope all is okay with him.  Sounds like things were going pretty rough over his way last I heard or saw.  Keep your fingers crossed!


Willco, for sure!
But I think that everybody here feels his absence! So, hope to hear from him soon, knowing he's well.



 
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on July 13, 2006, 11:03:44 PM
A lawyer got married to a woman who had previously been married 12 times. On their wedding night, they settled into the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride said to her new groom, "Please, promise to be gentle. I am still a virgin."

This puzzled the groom, since after 12 marriages, he thought that at least one of her husbands would have been able to perform. He asked his new bride to explain the phenomenon.

She responded:

My first husband was a Sales Representative who spent our entire marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, 'It's gonna be great!'

My second husband was from Software Services; he was never quite sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he would send me documentation.

My third husband was from Field Services and constantly said that everything was diagnostically OK, but he just couldn't get the system up.

My fourth husband was from Educational Services, and he simply said, Those who can, do; those who can't, teach.

My fifth husband was from the Telemarketing Department and said that he had the orders, but he wasn't quite sure when he was going to be able to deliver.

My sixth husband was an Engineer. He told me that he understood the basic process but needed three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

My seventh husband was from Finance and Administration. His comments were that he knew how, but he just wasn't sure whether it was his job.

My eighth husband was from Standards and Regulations and told me that he was up to the standards but that regulations said nothing about how to do it.

My ninth husband was a Marketing Manager. He said, 'I know I have the product. I'm just not sure how to position it.'

My tenth husband was a psychiatrist, and all he ever wanted to do was talk about it.

My eleventh husband was a gynecologist, and all he ever wanted to do was look at it.

My twelfth husband was a stamp collector, and all he ever wanted to do was -- God I miss him!

So now I have married a lawyer, so I know I'm going to get screwed!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Callisto on July 14, 2006, 03:21:18 AM
Good one Happy!  ;D


And Plthijinx... you are missed... Come back soon... and well!  |:)\
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on July 15, 2006, 08:55:41 AM
And Plthijinx... you are missed... Come back soon... and well!  |:)\

I completely agree! Plthijinx where are thou?!??!? ??? ???

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 AM.

Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. She sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."

"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.

As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "aren't you Officer Fenwick of the 8th District?"

"Yes, I am," said the officer.

"Well, then, what in the world are you doing in the Fire Chief's uniform?"
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on July 15, 2006, 01:35:36 PM
IF AIRLINES SOLD PAINT . . .

Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?
Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things.

Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price?
Clerk: Our lowest price is $12 a gallon, and we have 60 different prices up to $200 a gallon.

Customer: What's the difference in the paint?
Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint.

Customer: Well, then I'd like some of that $12 paint.
Clerk: When do you intend to use the paint?

Customer: I want to paint tomorrow. It's my day off.
Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.

Customer: When would I have to paint to get the $12 paint?
Clerk: You would have to start very late at night in about 3 weeks. But you will have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday.

Customer: You've got to be *&%^#@* kidding!
Clerk: I'll check and see if we have any paint available.

Customer: You have shelves FULL of paint! I can see it!
Clerk: But it doesn't mean that we have paint available. We sell only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way, the price per gallon just went to $16. We don't have any more $12 paint.

Customer: The price went up as we were talking?
Clerk: Yes, sir. We change the prices and rules hundreds of times a day, and since you haven't actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, we just decided to change. I suggest you purchase your paint as soon as possible. How many gallons do you want?

Customer: Well, maybe five gallons. Make that six, so I'll have enough.
Clerk: Oh no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy paint and don't use it, there are penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already have.

Customer: WHAT?
Clerk: We can sell enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the bedroom, you will lose your remaining gallons of paint.

Customer: What does it matter whether I use all the paint? I already paid you for it!
Clerk: We make plans based upon the idea that all our paint is used, every drop. If you don't, it causes us all sorts of problems.

Customer: This is crazy!! I suppose something terrible happens if I don't keep painting until after Saturday night!
Clerk: Oh yes! Every gallon you bought automatically becomes the $200 paint.

Customer: But what are all these, "Paint on sale from $10 a liter" signs?
Clerk: Well that's for our budget paint. It only comes in half-gallons. One $5 half-gallon will do half a room. The second half-gallon to complete the room is $20. None of the cans have labels, some are empty and there are no refunds, even on the empty cans.

Customer: To hell with this! I'll buy what I need somewhere else!
Clerk: I don't think so, sir. You may be able to buy paint for your bathroom and bedrooms, and your kitchen and dining room from someone else, but you won't be able to paint your connecting hall and stairway from anyone but us. And I should point out, sir, that if you paint in only one direction, it will be $300 a gallon.

Customer: I thought your most expensive paint was $200!
Clerk: That's if you paint around the room to the point at which you started. A hallway is different.

Customer: And if I buy $200 paint for the hall, but only paint in one direction, you'll confiscate the remaining paint.
Clerk: No, we'll charge you an extra use fee plus the difference on your next gallon of paint. But I believe you're getting it now, sir.

Customer: You're insane!
Clerk: Thanks for painting with United.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on July 15, 2006, 01:45:44 PM
A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window. A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong, mean-looking, hulking guy plops down in the seat next to him and immediately falls asleep.

The little guy starts to feel a little airsick, but he's afraid to wake the big guy up to ask if he can move aside to let him go to the bathroom. He knows he can't climb over him, and so the little guy is sitting there, looking at the big guy, trying to decide what to do.

Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave of nausea passes through the little guy. He can't hold it in any longer and hurls all over the big guy's chest.

About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the vomit all over him.

"So," says the little guy, "......are you feeling any better now?"
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on July 15, 2006, 01:53:23 PM
A small jet trainer was taxying toward the beginning of the runway. The pupil stopped for checks when he and his instructor were watching a section of A-4s taking off at a rather steep angle.

Pupil: Sir, how come they take off so steeply?
(a moment of pause)
Instructor: Do you know why a dog licks his balls?
Pupil:No, Sir
Instructor:Because he CAN...
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Stef on July 15, 2006, 01:53:31 PM
IF AIRLINES SOLD PAINT . . .

... oh my god! this is SOOO true! I was switching from laughter to seriously thinking "yeah, why do they really do that?" the whole time!!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on July 15, 2006, 01:55:16 PM
A reporter was interviewing an old Scandinavian fighter pilot, asking him how it was in the war.

"Vell," said the old guy, "vee used to fly up dere and dogfight dem Krauts. Ya, vee used to shoot dem German fokkers outta da sky."

"For the benefit of our viewers," interrupted the reporter, "we should explain that the term 'fokker' refers to a specific type of German fighter plane."

"Vell ya," said the old Scandianvian pilot, "but those fokkers were Messerschmitt's."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on July 15, 2006, 02:00:22 PM
... oh my god! this is SOOO true! I was switching from laughter to seriously thinking "yeah, why do they really do that?" the whole time!!

HAHA! Imagine if all the world used to go in the same way!!!  :D   We're still lucky, even if something doesn't work, we haven't reached these levels yet!!!!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on July 15, 2006, 06:07:17 PM
Short, but funny:



One day, Jay Dini came home and was greeted by his wife dressed
In a very sexy nightie.  "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do
anything you want."
So he tied her up and went fishing.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on July 15, 2006, 10:19:23 PM
One day, Jay Dini came home and was greeted by his wife dressed
In a very sexy nightie.  "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do
anything you want."
So he tied her up and went fishing.

Man! it could have been his lucky day!  :)
At least, did he come home with some fish?!?!?
________________________________________________

Lady Radar Controller: "Can I turn you on at 7 miles?"
Airline Captain: "Madam, you can try."

Nite Nite! ;)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Ted_Stryker on July 16, 2006, 04:48:58 AM
Those are great!  Keep 'em coming Happy and Stef!

I need to dust of my brain cells to remember more of the ones I used to know.... at least the cleaner ones :)  Got plenty from when I was a police dispatcher... but they aren't exactly... well ... suitable for here :)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on July 16, 2006, 12:52:44 PM
ATC:    "Delta 23, cross Gainesville at and maintain flight level two seven zero."
Delta23:    "Delta 23, roger."
(three minutes later, Delta 23 is five miles from GNV,  at FL 350)
ATC:    "Delta 23, did you copy the crossing restriction, Gainesville at flight level two seven zero?"
Delta23:    "uhhh..... Jax... we're gonna miss that, my first officer took that clearance"
ATC:    "Delta 23, do you think you could borrow his notes?"

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on July 16, 2006, 01:01:12 PM
An FAA Inspector walked into a doctor's office with a frog on his head.

The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

And the frog said, "Take this wart off my butt."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on July 16, 2006, 01:09:31 PM
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, fishing, always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of
sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.

I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. “When you finish cutting the grass,” I said, “you might as well sweep the sidewalk.”

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyingBlind on July 16, 2006, 04:58:34 PM
Two guys flying in a helicopter at night with NV goggles on.

Radio: ,,constant information coming in and sencless thing''

Then there are 2 trees pretty close together
Pilot#1: Ye think we are going to fit ?
Pilot#2: We sure as hell are going to try!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on July 17, 2006, 06:31:12 AM
Student Pilot: "I'm lost; I'm over a lake and heading toward the big E."
Controller: "Make several 90 degree turns so I can identify you on radar."
(short pause)...
Controller: "Okay then. That lake is the Atlantic Ocean. Suggest you turn to
the big W immediately ..."

Good Morning Mates!  :) :)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on July 17, 2006, 09:04:17 PM
A DC-10 had an exceedingly long rollout after landing with his approach speed a little high.
San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end of the runway, if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

 :) :)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on July 18, 2006, 09:52:07 AM
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. the following exchange took place between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign "Speedbird 206":?Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."?Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop. ?Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"?Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."?Ground (with arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"?Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944 but it was dark and I didn't stop."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, One o'clock, three miles, eastbound."?United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Frank N. O. on July 18, 2006, 10:24:10 AM
Ah Happy, you're bringing out all the classics, I wonder how many are actually true? I for one would really like to have seen the expressions of the ATC and possibly hear esponse to that last one :D (I'm sure it's an old story so the pilot/captain could still be of legal flying age while having been able to have been in WWII at the time it supposedly happnd).

 |:)\

Frank
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on July 18, 2006, 11:26:42 AM
Yeah, it's a nice one! there is an incredible number of jokes alike and - even if they get old - the humor in them is always cracking. good point by the way. I hadn't thought about the PIC's age!  |:)\

And about ATC: I'm quite sure that for once they kept their mouth shut!!  :)
 
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Ted_Stryker on July 18, 2006, 03:24:41 PM
True incident.... TWA Flight inbound to Lambert Field (STL) in St. Louis in the late 1980's....

ATC:   "TWA 123, slow down a bit, I've got a small aircraft cleared in ahead of you."

TWA 123: "TWA 123, Wilco."

...a couple of minutes later... and with headwinds increasing on the approach...

ATC: "TWA 123, request you slow down more for spacing.  You're gaining on the traffic in front of you, and he's still on long final."

TWA 123: "TWA 123, Wilco!" the pilot says.. slowing the plane to just about as slow as possible now....

...about thirty seconds later...

ATC: "TWA 123, slow down more!  You're gaining still!"

Exasperated, the TWA pilot finally says; "ATC this is TWA 123, do you know just how slow this plane can go?!"

ATC: "No Sir, but if you ask the guy in the seat next to you, he might know!"

The controller was fired!


Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on July 19, 2006, 11:19:30 PM
A really good one Ted!  :D :D
If you ask the guy he may know......!that's an incredible reply!
---------------------------------

Tower: Alitalia 194 - taxi to rwy 28, hold short
AZ194: Ahhh, yes, taxi to rwy 28
Tower: AZ194, cleared for take-off
AZ194: Ahhh, two minutes, need preflight (checks)
30 seconds later:
Tower: Alitalia 194, YOU ARE CLEARED FOR TAKE OFF NOW.
AZ194: Ehmmm, yes, yes, take off in two minutes ....
Tower: Alitalia 194, expedite take-off, we have Delta 767 final on 28 2,8 miles!
AZ194: Ahhh, we need 30 more seconds...
Delta 767: Hey Spaghetti, take-off or I'll fu@@ you from behind!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on July 20, 2006, 08:53:34 PM
EVER WONDERED ABOUT THE GENDER OF THINGS?!?  ??? ??? ??? ??? ?????ZIPLOC BAGS - male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.??SWISS ARMY KNIFE - male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.??KIDNEYS - female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.??SHOE - male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.??COPIER - female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up.  Because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed. Because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.??TIRE - male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated.??HOT AIR BALLOON - male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it...and, of course, there's the hot air part.??SPONGES - female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.??WEB PAGE - female, because it is always getting hit on.??SUBWAY - male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.??HOURGLASS - female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.??HAMMER - male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.??REMOTE CONTROL - female... Ha! You thought I'd say male?!? But consider... it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Firegirl on July 21, 2006, 07:45:35 PM
this is cute:
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on July 22, 2006, 08:39:09 AM
scientific proof that girls are evil and men are worse....
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on July 22, 2006, 08:55:19 AM
Tower: "...and for your information, you were slightly to the left of the centerline on that approach."
Speedbird: "That's correct; and, my First Officer was slightly to the right"
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on July 22, 2006, 08:56:18 AM
Pilot: "Approach, Federated 303's with at 8000' for vectors ILS, full stop.
Approach: "Unable Federated 303. The ILS is out of service."
Pilot: "We'll take the VOR then."
Approach: "Sir, the VOR's in alarm right now. Standby."
Pilot: "OK, guess it'll have to be the ADF then."
Approach: "303, unable the ADF right now for traffic saturation."
Pilot: "OK, approach. State my intentions....."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on July 22, 2006, 09:18:44 PM
Tower: "Delta Fox Alpha, hold position, Marshall will park you."
Pilot: "Roger. Looking out for John Wayne."
------------------------------------------------------------
LH741: "Tower, give me a rough time-check!"
Tower: "It's Tuesday, Sir."
-----------------------------------------------------------
Pilot: "...Tower, please call me a fuel truck."
Tower: "Roger. You are a fuel truck.
----------------------------------------------------------
Tower: "Airline XXX, it looks like one of your baggage doors is open."
Captain (after quickly scanning the FE panel): "Ah, thanks tower, but you must be looking at our APU door."
Tower: "Okay, Airline XXX, cleared for takeoff."
Captain: "Cleared for takeoff, Airline XXX."
Tower, during the takeoff roll: "Airline XXX, ahh ... it appears that your APU is leaking luggage..."
----------------------------------------------------------
A United Airlines 747 captain tries to make light banter with Sydney, Australia, Approach Control ...
Captain: "Good morning, Sydney, this is United XXX, we're 50 miles out and have your island in sight ..."
Approach: "Roger, United ... you're cleared to circle the island twice, then it's okay to land."
---------------------------------------------------------

Q. How do you stop a Flight Attendant from having an orgasm?
A. Press the F/A Call Button - She'll never come.

 :D ;D :D ;D
Nite nite Mates!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on July 23, 2006, 02:27:08 AM
This one is for you plthijnx:

Only makes sense in English but must have happpened in Swizerland:



 
Yodeling


Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began?
 
Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland

 
Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. !

 
The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.

 
As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?"

 
"That fellow traveling through," said the farmer. "needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn."

 
The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared him a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn.

 
About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.

 
The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn,! and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.

 
The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.


When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried. "We made such passionate love last night!"
 
"What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.


The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!"
The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out.....


"LAIDTHEOLADEETOO"

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on July 23, 2006, 04:43:33 PM

HAHAHA! Maybe we were an English speaking place back in the past, but more probably the person who invented the yodel were an American or an English man traveling through Switzerland and we used his chant as if it were our invention!!
 ;D ;D ;D

I was telling this to Steepturn this morning in front of a coffee in the city center, and I couldn't end it, since I was laughing like a mad. it did not look anymore like a yodel, but like a strangled cry! :)

Here you're with another one......

A welcome to a new co-pilot from an old captain:
"Son, your wife's legs have more time in the air than you do...."

 ;) ::) :D ;)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on July 23, 2006, 04:46:06 PM
Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Atlanta. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Bud said, "Man, I wish we had
something to drink!" Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?" So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed.

The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels, in fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! Then The phone rings...

It's Jim. Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"

Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?"

Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"

Bud says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often."

"Yeah, well there's just one thing..."

"What's that?"

"Have you farted yet?"

"No..."

"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in PHOENIX!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Ted_Stryker on July 24, 2006, 05:14:47 PM
LOL!!!  Great ones indeed, happy!!!!


You know in an aircraft why they called it the "Whiskey Compass".... because they used to fill the resevoir for the mag compass up with whiskey.  Trouble is the Air Force maintenance guys used to take a straw and suck it dry... then filled it up with kerosene instead!

The Marine maintenance guys found out there was kerosene in the compass resevoir.....so they sucked those dry!

I'm not sure I want to know what the Marines used instead of kerosene!



-----  And... a bit of trivia ----

In the days of the Soviet Union the state of the military moral was such that many units would be more concerned about the physical appearance of their equipment than it's utility just to satisfy the commanders.  They would literally paint leaves green, tires black, etc., all for the sake of appearances.  Contrary to western mythos, Vodka was not the common drink, but, rather, beer (in Russian called "piva").  However, in the military, even beer was scarce at times.  So, many took to drinking sterno, anti-freeze, etc., in search of getting a buzz to help forget their troubles!   I guess they must have heard about the Marines!!

 ;D


Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on July 24, 2006, 10:24:58 PM
So, many took to drinking sterno, anti-freeze, etc., in search of getting a buzz to help forget their troubles!   I guess they must have heard about the Marines!!

Oh my! you made me remember that in Solzenitsyn's book Gulag (I hope it's the translation in English) he was writing about the fact that people did not have to eat in the gulag and once some people there found fossil and did everything was in their power to find a way to eat it  ??? ??? ???
But well, it surely isn't written in the right place here, since it's the humour thread so........
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Unknown landing signal officer to carrier pilot after his 6th unsuccessful landing: "You've got to land here, son. This is where the food is".
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Eggenfelden Info : D-EXXX please report persons aboard.
D-EXXX (C-172) : Pilot and two pax and one dog.
Eggenfelden Info (after Cessna finally bounced to stop): Assume the Pilot in Command was the dog ?  ::) ::)

Okay mates, I will catch some sleep now! Nite Nite!!


Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on July 25, 2006, 09:10:19 PM
A young man enters into a drugstore and ask the pharmacist for a condom. “You know…this evening I go to my fiancée home, for a dinner. She is so much horny I’m for sure going to lay her”. The pharmacist hands him a condom, he pays and go out. After some minutes he comes back and ask for another condom “you know, my fiancée’s sister is...well, ya know, she is horny too. So, tonight I’m going to lay her too…”. The pharmacist hands him a condom, he pays and go out. After some minutes he comes back and ask for another condom “you know, my fiancée’s mother is so much horny…that’s sure that tonight I’m going to have a gorgeous night, you know? I’ll actually get a full box of condom and enjoy this night, several times with my fiancée, every position, ohhhh she is so much oversexed, and then her sister, gosh, so titillating and then her mom…she is old, but you know, you see she is a provocative female”. The pharmacist nods, get him a package, the young man pays and goes away.

At evening, he is seated near his fiancée, at her parent’s house, waiting for dinner. “Who says the prayers tonight?”, ask the mother “oh, why don’t you say them for us?” looking at the young man. “Okay. Then…….Dear dear dear dear God, we thank you for this dinner, and we thank you for this home, and for the people around us. And we thank you for the sun, and the water and the world and for the fact blablablablablablablablablablablablabla….” Going on, eyes fixed to the table, for ten minutes and more straight.
After that the girlfriend ask him “Oh my dear, I did not know you were such a believer!” and she gets this reply: “I’m not usually, but you did not tell your dad is a pharmacist……..”   

 ;D :D ::) :D ;) :)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Stef on July 27, 2006, 09:36:42 AM
Happy, among all the girls I know, you certainly are the one who knows the most dirty jokes!  ;D  |:)\

Here's another one, by the way:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $500 to drop that towel that you have on." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $500 and leaves. Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower, "Who was that?" "It was Bob, the next door neighbor," she replies. "Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the $500 he owes me?"

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on July 27, 2006, 11:48:46 AM
Happy, among all the girls I know, you certainly are the one who knows the most dirty jokes!  ;D  |:)\

Oh my....I also know clean jokes, even if they are more difficult to remember  :D ....but here you go!
that's one of my favorite.....a really sweet one:

A camel approaches his mom and says (whining toddler’s voice).“Mummy, mummy! Look at us! Can you see how ugly we’re? Look, look at the hoofs!”. (reassuring voice) “Oh no my dear! What are you saying? We’re not ugly and these hoofs are one of the best ideas of Mother Nature. You know, in desert, we would not survive without these. We can walk for hours, we do not feel the heat of the sand, we do not suffer any broken leg. Any other animal would break a leg and – for that reason – die”. The little camel look at his hoofs with new eyes, smiles and goes away. “Uh oh!”.Some time passes, and he comes back to his mommy. “Mummy, mummy! Look at us! Can you see how ugly we’re? Look, look at our eyelashes, how long they are!”. The mom (again in a reassuring voice) answers to the small camel “Oh no my dear! What are you saying? We’re not ugly and these eyelashes are one of the best ideas of Mother Nature. You know, in desert, we would not survive without these. We can walk for hours, seeing where we are going. On the contrary, any other animal would not see anymore, should stop and – under the heat of the sun – die.”. the small camel seems convinced once again and goes away happily. Some time passes, and he comes back to his mommy. “Mummy, mummy! Look at us! Can’t you see how ugly we’re? Look, look at our backs, how long they are!”. The mom (again in a reassuring voice) answers to the small camel “Oh no my dear! What are you saying? We’re not ugly and these backs are one of the best ideas of Mother Nature. You know, in desert, we would not survive without these. We can walk for hours, without drinking and eating, thanks to these backs. On the contrary, any other animal would not survive, and under the heat of the sun, he would starve and die.”. the small camel seems convinced once again and goes away happily. Some time passes, and he comes back to his mommy. “Mummy, mu…” (urgency in the voice). “Don’t tell me we are ugly again, my dear!”…..He looks at her and says “No, Mom, no. but….if we have all these things…what the hell are we doing into a zoo?!?!”
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on July 29, 2006, 10:44:59 PM
Tower to a Braniff Boeing 720: “Traffic twelve o’clock, three miles, several targets, possibly a flight of ducks.”
Braniff Boeing 720: “Do those ducks paint better if they’re banded?”
Tower: “No, but it’d sure help if they had a transponder.”
Braniff Boeing 720 “Well, they squawk, don’t they?”

Nite nite mates!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: fireflyr on July 30, 2006, 03:41:55 PM
SQUAWK??????
Sounds more like a seagull joke ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on July 30, 2006, 09:42:41 PM
So, ducks do not squawk?!?  ??? ??? ???

Okay, I'll go with jokes about.........blondes today!


Day1:
A blonde comes home from school and says to her mum,"We learned how to count up to 5 today mummy. I got up to 10. Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?"
Mum replies: "yes dear"

Day 2:
"We learned how to do the alphabet today mummy. The others only got up to E and I got up to S. Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?"
Mum replies: "yes dear"

Day 3:
"We learned about breasts today mummy. All the other girls are flat chested and I'm a 36DD. Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?"
Mum replies: "No dear, it's because your 25.........

--------------------------------------

A bunch of blondes walk into a restaurant celebrating and chanting "28 days, 28 days, it only took us 28 days!!"

Everyone wonders what took them 28 days and why they are celebrating. Finally, when the blondes are about to leave, a waitor goes up and asks "What took you 28 days, why are you celebrating??"

All the blondes say "We just finished a puzzle in 28 days and on the box it said 3-6 years!!!"

Nite nite mates!  ;) ;)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on August 01, 2006, 07:46:50 PM
TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN. AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL.

THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, "GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED. THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE."

THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS.

AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, "YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!"

"DEAD?" SAYS HIS FRIEND, "WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?"

"WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER."

HIS FRIEND SAYS, "COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH."

"A WITCH, WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?"


"WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: kkrummy1 on August 08, 2006, 01:28:53 PM
I have a German Shepherd dog & I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart
and was in line to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.  What else would you do with Purina?

On impulse, I told her that no, I  was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so  I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned.

I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: fireflyr on August 08, 2006, 03:47:31 PM
A fireman is working outside the fire station when he notices a little girl with a red wagon that has a garden hose coiled inside and a small ladder. 

The little girl is wearing a firefighter's helmet and her wagon is being pulled by her dog and cat.

He walks over for a look and notices the wagon is tied to the dog's collar and the cat's testicles.

He then comments that she could go faster if the rope was tied to the cat's collar too and she replies " you're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on August 09, 2006, 04:20:57 PM
What kind of accident did the proctologist have?
He was rear-ended!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on August 09, 2006, 04:21:37 PM
Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette. It started to rain, so the old lady reached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke.

Her friend saw this and said, "Hey that's a good idea! But, what is that thing you put over your cigarette?"

The other old lady said, "It's a condom."

"A condom? Where do you get those?"

The lady with the cigarette told her friend that you could purchase condoms at the pharmacy. When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the
questions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms. The pharmacist said yes, but looked a little surprised that this old woman was interested in condoms, so he asked her, "What size do you want?"

The old lady thought for a minute and said, "One that will fit a Camel."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on August 09, 2006, 04:21:58 PM
Your family is so poor, when I went to your house I stepped on a cigarette and your Daddy shouted, “Hey, who turned off the heater!”
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on August 09, 2006, 04:22:27 PM
 A man and his wife entered a dentist's office.
The wife said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible."

"You're a brave woman," said the dentist. "Now, show me which tooth it is."

The wife turns to her husband and says: "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear."
 
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on August 09, 2006, 04:23:11 PM
 Q: What can a goose do, that a duck can't do and a lawyer should do?
A: Stick his bill up his @ss.
 
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on August 09, 2006, 04:23:45 PM
An old man and a young man work together in an office. The old man always has a jar of peanuts on his desk, and the young man really loves peanuts.
One day, while the old man is away from his desk, the young man yields to temptation and scarfs down over half of the contents of the jar. When the old man returns, the young man feels guilty and confesses to his crime.

"Don't worry, son. I never eat the peanuts anyway," the old man replies. "Since I lost my teeth, all I can do is gum chocolate off the M&M's."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: fireflyr on August 09, 2006, 05:08:48 PM
[quote author=plthijnx link=topic=20.msg6160#msg6160 date=1155140625

"Don't worry, son. I never eat the peanuts anyway," the old man replies. "Since I lost my teeth, all I can do is gum chocolate off the M&M's."

Quote
And I thought I was the only one doing that............................................. :D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on August 11, 2006, 11:11:42 AM
A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon.

"Care to go upstairs and do it?" the husband asked.

"Shh!" said the bride "All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?"

So, the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?"

"No, I definitely shut it," replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.

When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?"

"No, thanks," said the husband. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Ted_Stryker on August 14, 2006, 08:57:10 PM
Not sure if this was posted before or not....

It's in German, but you definitely don't need to know German to know what's going on!

Welcome to Airline Racing!   ;D ;D

http://www.alexisparkinn.com/photogallery/Videos/2006-2-21_Digital_Airline_Racers.wmv
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: tundra_flier on August 18, 2006, 09:11:23 PM
Quote
A.D.D. combined with C.R.S.   what a combination!!

Mike, didn't you know all pilots have ADD?  We can't focus on anything for more than 5 minutes without thinking about planes and flying! ;)

Phil
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on August 19, 2006, 04:42:24 PM
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the director, 'What is the criterion that defines a patient to be institutionalized?'
'Well...' said the director, 'we fill up a bathtub, and we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask him to empty the bathtub.'
'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor, with a chuckle. 'A normal person would choose the bucket as it is larger than the spoon or the teacup. Right?'
'Noooooooo!' answered the director. 'A normal person would pull the plug.'
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on August 19, 2006, 09:58:41 PM
A man is stopped by a policeman for high speed. As soon as the policeman tells the man he has to retire the driving license, the man tries to convince the other not to. The officer then says: “okay, I won’t retire you the driving license if you reply to this question: you’re driving in the night and you see two lights coming in your opposite direction. What is that?”. The driver easily answers “well, it’s a car”. The officer says in an ironic way “ohhhhhhh nononononono, I’m sorry. I’ll have to get your license, since it could be a camion, a car, two bikes, a bus…”. Then the man says: “okay, that’s right. You’re right: but I will give you the licence, if you answer to an easy question. You’re driving at night and you see a women dressed in a scandalous way, who stops clients on the road. Who is she?”. The officer replies: “oh, incredibly easy. She’s a bitch”.the driver then replies: “Excuse me officer, but you’re wrong: it could be your mother, your wife, your sister……”.
 :)  :) :)

Nite nite Mates!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Frank N. O. on August 20, 2006, 02:11:51 PM
Oh man, it's sure one heck of a collection of jokes there are here  |:)\

Greetings
Frank
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: fireflyr on August 22, 2006, 01:12:04 PM
A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class
section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue,
gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen
seconds.
 
The man went back to his reading.
 
A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped
her nose, then shuddered violently once more.
 
Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still
curious about the shuddering.
 
A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As
before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking ever
more than before.
 
Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and
said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times,
wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you ok?"
 
"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition;
whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."
 
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. " I have
never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything
for it?"
 
The woman nodded, "Pepper".
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Ted_Stryker on August 22, 2006, 02:54:45 PM
A pilot who wasn't the top of his class is on approach to an airport.... he's making the radio calls with the tower and the following ensues.....

Tower: "Cessna 1234; I don't have a visual on you and your transponder doesn't seem to be picking up here.  Do you have the runway in sight?"

Cessna 1234: "Affirmative, tower!  You're right in front of me!  You don't see me on approach?"

Tower: "Negative visual contact with you Cessna 1234.  Are you certain  you are on approach here to this airport, or are you lost?"

Cessna 1234: "I'm definitely on approach to the right airport, tower.  I recognize all the buildings and everything!  Am I clear to land?"

Tower: "Cessna 1234, I don't have you in sight for some reason, but there is nobody else around, so if you see the runway and can make it in okay, you are cleared to land.  Please call the tower after landing."

Cessna 1234: "Roger that, tower!  Thanks!"

A few moments later... the mains touch... the pilot has the power all the way out, full flaps down, maximum braking and aerobraking.... finally getting the plane stopped just before the runway surface ends!!  Sweating, tires and brakes hot and practically smoking, the pilot, shaken finally hears the radio come alive again.....

Tower: "Cessna 1234, are you OKAY?!!!"

Cessna 1234: "Roger that, tower!  This runway sure is short.... but I've never seen one as wide as this one!!!!"

Tower: "Chuck???    Is THAT you?!"
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on August 24, 2006, 09:38:09 PM
"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition;
whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."
 
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. " I have
never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything
for it?"
 
The woman nodded, "Pepper".

OHMYGOD! it's quite sure that it is a rare medical condition that every woman would like to have!!!!!!  :D :D :D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on August 24, 2006, 10:08:19 PM
*ahem* need some pepper there do ya happy? ;D ::) ;D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on August 24, 2006, 10:14:48 PM
It was a sunny Saturday morning on the course, and I was beginning my pre-shot routine on #1, visualizing my upcoming shot, when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker.

"Would the gentleman on the Ladies Tee back up to the Men's Tee, please!!"

I was still deep in my routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement--"Would the MAN on the WOMEN'S Tee kindly back up to the Men's Tee."

I finally stopped, turned, looked through the clubhouse window directly at the person with the mike and shouted back, "Would the person in the clubhouse kindly shut up and let me play my second shot?!"
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on August 24, 2006, 10:20:48 PM
A big game hunter goes on safari with his wife and his mother-in-law. One morning, the wife wakes up to find her mother gone. Immediately, she awakens up her husband and they both set off to find the old woman.

Suddenly, they break into a clearing and there's the mother-in-law, standing face-to-face with a ferocious lion!

"Quick, darling," the wife shouts frantically, "Do something!"

"Oh, no," the husband says, "That lion got himself into this mess. Let him get himself out!"
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on August 24, 2006, 10:26:23 PM
A woman in Atlantic City was losing at the roulette wheel. When she was down to her last 10 dollars, she asked the fellow next to her for a good number.

“Why don’t you play your age?” he suggested.

The woman agreed, and then put her money on the table.

The next thing the guy with the advice knew, the woman had fainted and fallen to the floor. He rushed right over.

“Did she win?” he asked.

“No” replied the attendant.

“She put 10 dollars on 33 and 46 came in
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on August 26, 2006, 07:26:57 PM
“She put 10 dollars on 33 and 46 came in

So said, never lie on age!!!!!  :D ;D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on August 26, 2006, 10:52:28 PM
Quite rude....but always funny:

Two women chatting in a bar:
woman 1:"my husband will surely come home with a bouquet of flowers this evening, since it's our anniversary".
woman 2: "ohh....so romantic!"
woman 1: "you think? I'll have to spread my legs..."
woman 2: "why?!?!? don't you have any vase at home!?!?!"

Nite nite mates!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on August 27, 2006, 06:17:34 PM
here is one that really happened:

A Blonde and a Brunette are sitting at the airport restaurant after a guy just got
up from the table :
Brunette: So this is your new boyfriend?
Blonde: Yes!
Brunette: But he's not very good looking!
Blonde: I know . . . . but he's a pilot!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on August 27, 2006, 06:49:54 PM
This couple goes to an agricultural show way out in the countryside a fine Sunday afternoon, and are watching the auctioning off of bulls.
The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off:

"A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year."
The wife nudges her husband in the ribs, and comments,
"See! That was more than 5 times a month!"

The second bull is to be sold: "Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year."

Again the wife bugs her husband, "Hey, that's some 10 times a month.
What do YOU say to that?!"

Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison.

The third bull is up for sale: "And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 360 times last year!"
The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells,
"That's once a day, every day of the year! How about YOU?!"

The husband was pretty irritated by now, and yells back, "Sure, once a day!
But ask the announcer if they were all with the same fat cow!!"

 ;D :D ;) :) :) ;) :D ;D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: fireflyr on August 31, 2006, 03:48:03 AM
 
Pilot Talking Rules

The only three things a wingman should ever say are:
Two's up.
Lead, you're on fire.
I'll take the fat chick.

And in a multi-place aircraft, there are only three things the copilot should ever say:
Nice landing, Sir.
I'll buy the first round.
I'll take the fat chick.

As a new copilot on a bomber I was told to only say these three things and to otherwise keep my mouth shut and not touch anything:
Clear on the right. 
Outer (marker) on the double (indicator) 
I'll eat the chicken. (Crew meals consisted of one steak and one chicken to avoid possible food poisoning of the cockpit crew).
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Frank N. O. on August 31, 2006, 09:41:51 AM
Man, the jokes just keep comming, and from both sides of the pond too, and from both genders too  |:)\  |:)\  |:)\

If only we had such a steady stream of Av-Gas/A-1 (that's jet-fuel right?) and money for flying  8)

Frank
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Baradium on September 01, 2006, 04:45:32 AM
Women ARE evil.  Here's a mathematical proof.

If you have a wife/girlfriend, you need to spend time with them. We all know that time is money.  And money is the root of all evil. 
So, if

Women = Time
Time = Money
Money = Evil,

Then

Women = Evil

I like that one, but you gotta use the full one or they can argue it.  ;)

You start out with "women require time and money"  (you can get women to agree with this).   This gives you: women = time x money

Now, time is money.    (time = money)

So you get women = money x money

women = money^2

Now money is the root of all evil (this is one of the important parts, it's root of all evil, not that it is evil.

Well that means that money = sqrt(evil)          that's a square root

so women = money^2
 
women = sqrt(evil)^2

women = evil

Works best when you can write it out as you explain it.

Advisory... they havn't been able to counter it, but they have hit me for showing it to them too... 
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Baradium on September 01, 2006, 05:15:14 AM
Hope this wasn't already posted... I'm still wading my way through 30 some odd pages...

This is an oldie, but still good.


Q:  What's the difference between an alcoholic and a nymphomaniac?



A:  A cockpit door.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: tundra_flier on September 01, 2006, 07:16:39 AM
OK, Moose season in Alaska opens tomorrow morning.  I was riding along as safty pilot again tonight, keeping an eye on a cessna who was skimming the tree tops below our holding pattern and heard the following Radio conversation.

Fairbanks Approch:  Cessna XXXX, have you found a moose yet?
Cessna xxxx:  approch, negative, still looking.

Some of you remember that last time I flew as Safty pilot we got a close look at a C-123.   Well, the same IFR student told me his next flight with his CFII the same thing happened, with the same C-123.  So tonight approch advised us:  "Cessna XXXX, traffic 1 mile south, altitude unknown, direction unknown, intermittent contact".

As I started scanning to the south I told the pilot, "I'm either looking for a flock of geese or a C-123!"  He laughed and said, I was just thinking the same thing!

Phil
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Baradium on September 01, 2006, 08:00:37 AM
sent to me this morning by my uncle, under heading "Warning!"
Like you, I hate it when people forward bogus warnings. But, this one is important. Please forward to those you care about.
If someone comes to your front door saying they are conducting a survey on deer ticks and asks you to take all of your clothes off and dance around with your arms up, DO NOT DO IT!!
IT IS A SCAM. They only want to see you naked.
I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid now.


I would say it's some English humour this one!!! Gosh, we are building a really good reserve of jokes here!! Keep writing Plthijnx!!!  :)

You guys know that the warning is based off a real one, right?   There was a guy going around knocking on doors telling women he was a dynacologist and offering free breast exams.  The worst part was that he had half a dozen or so who decided it was a good deal and let him have at it.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Baradium on September 01, 2006, 08:39:30 AM
I have a lot of pilots in my family, so I have a number of true stories that are fairly amusing.

My dad is a pilot, finally made captain right before 9/11 actually... back to f/o for a while after that too...

Anyway, they were flying into Atlanta with a number of thunderstorms around, his f/o is giving a cabin announcement when they get struck by lightning on the nose.   Here's what the passengers get.... there's a really loud boom, the plane starts shaking, the lights are flickering in and out... and in the middle of all this the f/o is screaming his guts out over the intercom!  Poor guy hadn't ever been struck by lightning before and didn't take it very well at all (granted a nose strike is supposed to be fairly exciting).


Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Baradium on September 01, 2006, 09:19:32 AM
YOU MAY BE A REDNECK PILOT IF:

you have mud flaps on your wheel pants.

I never saw mud flaps on an airplane until I got to Alaska...  
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: fireflyr on September 01, 2006, 12:59:58 PM
BARADIUM---Showed your enhanced "women=evil" post to my wife and without missing a beat she replied "now there is one lonely bachelor" :(
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Baradium on September 01, 2006, 04:30:26 PM
BARADIUM---Showed your enhanced "women=evil" post to my wife and without missing a beat she replied "now there is one lonely bachelor" :(

Ouch!

Tell her she just made my point.  ;)

-Ryan
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on September 01, 2006, 05:54:41 PM
Anyway, they were flying into Atlanta with a number of thunderstorms around, his f/o is giving a cabin announcement when they get struck by lightning on the nose.   Here's what the passengers get.... there's a really loud boom, the plane starts shaking, the lights are flickering in and out... and in the middle of all this the f/o is screaming his guts out over the intercom!  Poor guy hadn't ever been struck by lightning before and didn't take it very well at all (granted a nose strike is supposed to be fairly exciting).

Oh my! They mustn't have had a nice time!

You made me remember that some days before my PPL exam, I was flying with my former, boyfriend to be, and he had told me I should have taken off in a specific way. I completely forgot, and then I started yelling, cursing how I had taken off, probably with the worst vocabulary with which I could come out. I was completely shut up when he stopped my cursing, saying something like "Gosh....MISS, I wonder how your boyfriend can manage with you".

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Baradium on September 01, 2006, 06:25:13 PM

Oh my! They mustn't have had a nice time!

You made me remember that some days before my PPL exam, I was flying with my former, boyfriend to be, and he had told me I should have taken off in a specific way. I completely forgot, and then I started yelling, cursing how I had taken off, probably with the worst vocabulary with which I could come out. I was completely shut up when he stopped my cursing, saying something like "Gosh....MISS, I wonder how your boyfriend can manage with you".



LOL!  Sounds like you were pretty hard on yourself...

On trap some people get into is that they worry so much about a previous mistake that they keep making more, leading to a crash.  When you mess up, it's bad, but you have to get past it.  Once you're back on the ground then you can be mad at yourself.  ;)


I have a ton of jokes, but most of them are on my other computer, which needs a power supply fan and is currently in Georgia in boxes...


Here's one...

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her
body hurts wherever she touches it.

Impossible!" says the doctor "Show me."

The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her left breast and screams,
then she pushes her elbow and screams in even more agony. She pushes her
knee and screams; likewise she pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere
she touches makes her scream.

The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?"

"Well, no" she says, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor says. "Your finger is broken."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Baradium on September 01, 2006, 06:35:41 PM
For the cops out there....


"Police Quotes"

"The handcuffs are tight because they're new.
They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

"So, you don't know how fast you were going.
I guess that means I can write anything I
want on the ticket, huh?"

"Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor,
but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention
that I am the shift supervisor?"

"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm
warning you not to do that again or I'll give
you another ticket."

"The answer to this last question will
determine whether you are drunk or not.
Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"

"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets
and my wife gets a toaster oven."

"Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid."

"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We
used to have quotas, but now we're allowed
to write as many tickets as we want."

"Just how big were those two beers?

"In G~d we trust, all others are suspects."

_______________________________________________________________
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

-Ryan
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on September 01, 2006, 06:55:32 PM
HA HA !!!
The police ones a great!  How refreshing!

I just came back here from browsing through the AOPA forum and once again was turned off by everybody bickering, calling people names, and taking themselves too seriously.
I have over 7000 flight hours and have been in aviation for over 14 years (over 18 if you count RC planes) but all these guys know so much more than me...it's amazing! makes me feel stupid!  ;)  ;D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Ted_Stryker on September 01, 2006, 07:47:08 PM
Having once been a police dispatcher, I can likewise appreciate the great cop ones.  I know a lot of jokes of that genre too, but wouldn't post them here due to most being strong  R  rating .... or worse  ;) |:)\

Mike, I know what you mean about that forum!  I've had similar experiences with it, and others.  Just remember the phrase that I coin whenever I deal with such individuals....

"Those of you that think you know everything are annoying those of us that DO!"   ;D

Then, of course, there's the other one that I like which is a quote from good 'ol Albert Einstein....

"Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds!"

Which only goes to also prove the third axiom of life.....

"There are people out there that shouldn't let their minds wander... they're too weak to be out alone!"

 ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Frank N. O. on September 01, 2006, 09:20:35 PM
Great jokes, some of them should be used by actual cops to scare dumb/reckless people! The speed one was great :D

I know about big forums being one big flame-fest, like Race Sim Central, it's bloddy hell and ruins all the fun of the games/sims, I was a super mod there but I left since I couldn't stand the tone there, despite hard attemps of me and my 100+ colleauges to try various ways of keeping it in order.

This place is like a Sky Haven (location from Crimson Skies) or like Louis' Bar from Take Spin (another great one, and I'm actually thinking of replacing the GT90 avatar with a avatar of Balloo to try and fit in better).

I'm sorry I can't contribute any jokes at this time, but I wanted to say thanks and confirm that this is a great place  |:)\
I'm sad to hear the great AOPA I've read so much about isn't a better place :( But with my luck I'm never getting near a plane other then that one time in 2002 so...
Frank
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Baradium on September 01, 2006, 09:40:08 PM
I just came back here from browsing through the AOPA forum and once again was turned off by everybody bickering, calling people names, and taking themselves too seriously.
I have over 7000 flight hours and have been in aviation for over 14 years (over 18 if you count RC planes) but all these guys know so much more than me...it's amazing! makes me feel stupid!  ;)  ;D

When you started in aviation, I wasn't even 10 yet.  ;)

I don't even have 700 hours yet either.  ;)

I ask my captains after every flight for criticism, anything I did that I can improve on.  The senior guys have thousands and thousands of hours of turboprop time in these conditions.  I want to learn as much as I can from them.  After all, if I can do this stuff, any other type of airline flying would be a piece of cake!

I think every pilot needs to remember that everyone still has something they can learn.  You can't know everything, as much as you might like to.  Correction isn't an attempt to insult, it's an opportunity to learn more... hence my requesting it at the end of each day of flying, or each flight if a segment included a lot of tough flying (like shooting an ILS in a sigmet for moderate to severe turbulence in the vicinity of the airport... that one was actually pretty fun).

Flight time can be misleading as well sometimes.  You have a lot more than me, but I might know a thing or two about Alaska that you don't.  Although I'd like to think that overall you probobly can put me to shame any day of the week in overall aviation knowledge.  ;)

One of the things about aviation is that everyone is specialized to a degree.  Someone who does VFR all the time might not know much about the IFR environment, someone who does a lot of charters might not be aware with current airline procedures and regs etc.  An airline captain won't know what a cropduster is allowed to do and some places are weird by themselves.  For example, there are a lot of regs that seem to say "...except in Alaska."  Stuff that is legal here and part of every day operations would get you violated and possibly cause your ticket to be pulled in the lower 48.

The worst part about a message board is that if you post something wrong, you *will* get corrected.  Even if it's just to make sure that wrong information isn't spread.

On which note,  Ted  I hope I didn't offend you with the ILS thread, it's been bugging me since I posted that I might have come off too strong in that one.


Anyway, that's enough of a somber type rant in a joke thread, how about back to the fun stuff?

-Ryan
Fairbanks, Alaska
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: fireflyr on September 01, 2006, 09:49:37 PM
HA HA !!!
The police ones a great!  How refreshing!

I just came back here from browsing through the AOPA forum and once again was turned off by everybody bickering, calling people names, and taking themselves too seriously.
I have over 7000 flight hours and have been in aviation for over 14 years (over 18 if you count RC planes) but all these guys know so much more than me...it's amazing! makes me feel stupid!  ;)  ;D
Speaking of Cop jokes---I like the one where the cop tells the perp "if you move, I'll make your birth certificate worthless paper!"

As far a being a good pilot, hell, I learned long time ago that a lot of pilots are better/smarter/more experienced than I am and if you don't believe me, just ask THEM!!! ;D ;D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Ted_Stryker on September 01, 2006, 11:00:05 PM
I just came back here from browsing through the AOPA forum and once again was turned off by everybody bickering, calling people names, and taking themselves too seriously.
I have over 7000 flight hours and have been in aviation for over 14 years (over 18 if you count RC planes) but all these guys know so much more than me...it's amazing! makes me feel stupid!  ;)  ;D

When you started in aviation, I wasn't even 10 yet.  ;)

I don't even have 700 hours yet either.  ;)

I ask my captains after every flight for criticism, anything I did that I can improve on.  The senior guys have thousands and thousands of hours of turboprop time in these conditions.  I want to learn as much as I can from them.  After all, if I can do this stuff, any other type of airline flying would be a piece of cake!

I think every pilot needs to remember that everyone still has something they can learn.  You can't know everything, as much as you might like to.  Correction isn't an attempt to insult, it's an opportunity to learn more... hence my requesting it at the end of each day of flying, or each flight if a segment included a lot of tough flying (like shooting an ILS in a sigmet for moderate to severe turbulence in the vicinity of the airport... that one was actually pretty fun).

Flight time can be misleading as well sometimes.  You have a lot more than me, but I might know a thing or two about Alaska that you don't.  Although I'd like to think that overall you probobly can put me to shame any day of the week in overall aviation knowledge.  ;)

One of the things about aviation is that everyone is specialized to a degree.  Someone who does VFR all the time might not know much about the IFR environment, someone who does a lot of charters might not be aware with current airline procedures and regs etc.  An airline captain won't know what a cropduster is allowed to do and some places are weird by themselves.  For example, there are a lot of regs that seem to say "...except in Alaska."  Stuff that is legal here and part of every day operations would get you violated and possibly cause your ticket to be pulled in the lower 48.

The worst part about a message board is that if you post something wrong, you *will* get corrected.  Even if it's just to make sure that wrong information isn't spread.

On which note,  Ted  I hope I didn't offend you with the ILS thread, it's been bugging me since I posted that I might have come off too strong in that one.


Anyway, that's enough of a somber type rant in a joke thread, how about back to the fun stuff?

-Ryan
Fairbanks, Alaska

I agree with you on that everyone can learn something from others.  I have learned things from zero-time non-pilots with regard to certain things in aviation due to them seeing things either from a passenger perspective, or their viewpoint as a controller, mechanic, etc.  So I never discount those inputs.  My making light of things on the AOPA forum (and others) was simply to point out that there are people out there that don't know what they are talking about but like to pretend they do, or otherwise have input that is unwelcome because it denegrates the individuals being responded to, which is not appropriate under any circumstances.

The military rule of praising in public and disciplining in private should hold even in public forums, but unfortunately there are those out there that don't adhere to such basic precepts of respect, so you end up needing such philisophical approaches as the ones I mentioned to allow such things to bounce off without harm.  I would say "like water off a duck's back", but we're talking Chickens, not Ducks  ;D ;D

Anyway, please don't take my post as being dismissive, nor an attempt to say that even those with irate attitudes don't have things of value to say.  I know you didn't direct your response towards me, but I thought I should post this so people understand my attempts at humor are not to be misconstrued.

 |:)\ :)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Baradium on September 02, 2006, 12:02:41 AM
As long as we're all one big happy family, right?  ;)

I almost told another story, but the unfortunate thing about true ones is you know the people involved might stop by and read them!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on September 02, 2006, 04:42:18 AM

Flight time can be misleading as well sometimes.  You have a lot more than me, but I might know a thing or two about Alaska that you don't.  Although I'd like to think that overall you probobly can put me to shame any day of the week in overall aviation knowledge.  ;)


You have a very good point there!  |:)\
 But I think what keeps us "experienced" pilots in the air is that we realize that and that I would probably come to you for advice if I ever make it to AK asking YOU for advice, regardless how many flight hours I have.
Here is one argument I alsways have with the airline guys that comes to mind. They laugh at 7000 hours, especially the cross-atlantic guys. But they have 1 (one!) landing for every 10 flight hours. I do an average of 40 landings per every 10 flight hours in my job. I am pretty proficient when it comes to landings....
...and so on.... I am sure you get my point.

I just mentioned this in another thread:
I just drive the damn thing!

I am in aviation and in the forums to have fun. I am not interested in a aviation version of the Jerry Springer show.
I hope this forum will accomplish that!
In the AOPA forum, one of the guys admitted to insulting some of the guys by saying: "That's the way I am. I would say it to your face in real life as well if you meet me. I can be a jerk...."
Great argument !!!      (NOT >:()
Just because you're Jerk in real life and are not hiding behind the anonymity of a forum doesn't make it right! ! ! !

Anyways....look at me gettin all caught up in this petty s#!t !!!

This is supposed to be a happy forum, let's post some more jokes!!!  :D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Baradium on September 02, 2006, 07:12:11 AM

You have a very good point there!  |:)\
 But I think what keeps us "experienced" pilots in the air is that we realize that and that I would probably come to you for advice if I ever make it to AK asking YOU for advice, regardless how many flight hours I have.
Here is one argument I alsways have with the airline guys that comes to mind. They laugh at 7000 hours, especially the cross-atlantic guys. But they have 1 (one!) landing for every 10 flight hours. I do an average of 40 landings per every 10 flight hours in my job. I am pretty proficient when it comes to landings....
...and so on.... I am sure you get my point.

I just mentioned this in another thread:
I just drive the damn thing!

I am in aviation and in the forums to have fun. I am not interested in a aviation version of the Jerry Springer show.
I hope this forum will accomplish that!
In the AOPA forum, one of the guys admitted to insulting some of the guys by saying: "That's the way I am. I would say it to your face in real life as well if you meet me. I can be a jerk...."
Great argument !!!      (NOT >:()
Just because you're Jerk in real life and are not hiding behind the anonymity of a forum doesn't make it right! ! ! !

Anyways....look at me gettin all caught up in this petty s#!t !!!

This is supposed to be a happy forum, let's post some more jokes!!!  :D

My dad said he flew with a pilot who used to do the Kneecap flights over the atlantic (when they used to always have planes aloft over the ocean to ensure command continuity).  He told me that the guy was a nice guy with thousands upon thousands of hours... and couldn't fly the airplane worth anything.  My dad said it was like the only thing he knew how to do was fly in circles.  ;)

I think we average a landing an hour, but since we alternate legs I usually get fewer.  Right now I think I have around 2 per hour on average for my total time... being on the flight team meant I had a lot of flights of .6 with 5 landings and so on.  ;)  I did have to adapt my flight team techniques (competition spot landings among other things) somewhat going to a twin turboprop though... Beech 1900s don't like flying slow as much as a 152 does (don't ask).

The other thing about those trans altantic guys is, how many hours do they have where they were actually flying?  We only have one 1900 with an autopilot (and it's a recent addition to the fleet and only has George because George is cheaper to keep than remove).  Thus, we do a lot of hand flying.  Those guys hit buttons.  90% of their flight time is sitting there reading a newspaper.  One of the recent upgrade captains spent 20 years flying a Piper Navajo.  Those are single pilot and guess what?  They have an autopilot.  I can tell that he's used to an autopilot when we're in cruise on one of his legs.  ;)

I almost wonder if some day companies might start being interested in how much autopilot time you have. 
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on September 02, 2006, 03:48:42 PM
/threadjack.

during their silver anniversary, a wife reminded her husband, "Do you remember when you proposed to me, I was so overwhelmed that I didn't talk for an hour?"

The hubby replied, "Yes, honey, that was the happiest hour of my life."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on September 02, 2006, 03:49:45 PM
can't remember if this one had been posted or not....

There's a lot to be said about marital bliss...
A while back there was an opening in the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are extremely difficult to fill, requiring an extensive background check, training, and testing before candidates are even considered for the position. After reviewing several applicants and completing all the checks and training, the field was narrowed to the three most promising candidates. The day came for the final test, which would determine which of equally qualified candidates, would get the job.

The final candidates consisted of two men and one woman. The men administering the test took the first candidate, a man, down a corridor to a closed door and handed him a gun saying, "We must be completely assured that you will complete your assignments and follow instructions regardless of the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife, seated in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man, looking completely shocked said, "You can't be serious! I could never kill my wife." The CIA man said, "Well, then, you're obviously not the man for the job. Take your wife and go home." They brought the next candidate in, the other man, and repeated the instructions. This man took the gun, walked into the room and closed the door. However, after five minutes of silence, the door opened and the man handed the CIA tester the gun, saying, "I just couldn't do it. I couldn't kill my wife. I tried to pull the trigger but I just couldn't do it." The CIA man said, "Well, then, you're obviously not the man for the job. Take your wife and go home."
Then they brought the woman down the corridor to the closed door, handed her a gun, and said, "We must be completely assured that you will complete your assignments and follow instructions regardless of the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your husband, seated in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun, walked into the room, and before the door closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing. One shot after another, for thirteen shots, the noise continued. Then all hell broke loose. For the next several minutes, the men heard screaming, cursing, furniture crashing and banging on the walls; then suddenly, silence. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!"
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on September 02, 2006, 03:51:49 PM
Three old pilots are walking on the ramp. First one says, “Windy, isn’t it?”
Second says, “No, its Thursday!”
Third one says, “So am I. Lest go get a beer.”
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on September 02, 2006, 03:52:15 PM
Pilot: Control tower, what time is it?
Control tower: What airline is this?
Pilot: What difference does that make?
Control tower: Well if it is UA, it is 6:00p.m.; if it is TWA, it is 1800 hours; if it is Ozark, the big hand is on the…..”
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on September 02, 2006, 03:53:23 PM
“I’ve never flown before, said the nervous old lady to the pilot. “You will bring me down safely, won’t you?
“All I can say ma’am,” said the pilot, “is that I’ve never left anyone up there yet!”
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on September 02, 2006, 03:53:43 PM
A jet ran into some turbulent weather. To keep the passengers calm the flight attendants brought out the beverage carts. “I’d like a soda,” said a passenger in the first row. Moving along, the attendant asked the man behind her if he would like something. “Yes, I would,” he replied. “Give me whatever the pilot is drinking!”
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Baradium on September 02, 2006, 06:48:25 PM
Pilot: Control tower, what time is it?
Control tower: What airline is this?
Pilot: What difference does that make?
Control tower: Well if it is UA, it is 6:00p.m.; if it is TWA, it is 1800 hours; if it is Ozark, the big hand is on the…..”

There's a version of that for up here, slightly different... but it involves company so I think I could get in trouble for posting it.  ;)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: BrianGMFS on September 03, 2006, 03:47:02 AM
If anyone has ever gotten a chuckle out of the Bud Light Beer "real men of genius" radio comercials.... here's a site http://diis.net/article.php?story=budlight that has all of them in MP3 format

Brian
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: cj5_pilot on September 06, 2006, 03:41:45 PM
Quote

There's a version of that for up here, slightly different... but it involves company so I think I could get in trouble for posting it.  ;)
Quote

When I was in flight training I was told if I heard Anchorage talking to a KAL flight that I should get out of the air....


OK, as for humor:

I was a student pilot (2000), and my instructor and I were doing touch and goes in N4791Q (Cessna 152) at Kenai Municiple Airport (ENA).  Also playing around was a SCAR flight--A military Citation.  They and the C-130s liked to do approaches at Kenai because it's FAR less busy then Anchorage.  Anyhow, as I'm on downwind for 19R the gal in the tower calls "Check gear down" to the Citation.  The SCAR flight calls back "Gear down and locked".  A moment later (you could HEAR her looking through the binoculars) "Oh, I see....that's some small gear"...the instructor and I about burst a gut at that point.  However, the Citation pilot was quick:  "No ma'am, that's low profile!".   

'Course we couldn't leave that alone.  Tower had asked me to call in on base, so when I called in it was "Kenai tower, Cessna Niner-One Quebec left base for One Niner right with big gear".  The gal in the tower lost it and was laughing over the radio.  The SCAR guys didn't think it was so funny...they parked in such a way in front of our tiedown I had to taxi WAY around them to keep out of their jet wash...funny how they had to leave them at such a HI idle :)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: tundra_flier on September 06, 2006, 04:44:17 PM
Quote
There's a version of that for up here, slightly different... but it involves company so I think I could get in trouble for posting it. 

I think I can guess  ;D  there's a couple of company frequencies I like to ease drop on when I'm going cross country.  One in particular has a bunch of real cut ups.

Phil
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Ted_Stryker on September 07, 2006, 03:23:57 AM
Ok... I know this is a cartoon from a different (and nowhere near as good) comic.... but I thought it a good one to illustrate just how much influence Chicken Wings is having out there!

http://aviationcartoons.com/archives/ChickensCantFly090406.html

Is that Chuck flying it???

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Baradium on September 07, 2006, 05:49:36 AM
Quote
There's a version of that for up here, slightly different... but it involves company so I think I could get in trouble for posting it. 

I think I can guess  ;D  there's a couple of company frequencies I like to ease drop on when I'm going cross country.  One in particular has a bunch of real cut ups.

Phil

Haha!  So maybe I should start asking "Phil, you on company?"   

Too bad you aren't up on a regular basis, I'd start doing it.  ;)

Tomorrow is a Galena-downriver day.  Not a bad run...
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: tundra_flier on September 07, 2006, 03:28:27 PM
Don't know Frontier's Co. Freq yet.  You guys seem to think you're an airline or something and won't let me ride in the cockpit after all. :(   ???

Phil
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: madpilot44 on September 07, 2006, 10:11:10 PM
Wow Frank... You've just returned me like 15 years into the past with that Baloo avatar. one of my favourite cartoons (along with swat kats and another about a squad of german pilots, and a dog, flying after a message pidgeon in WWI... don't remember the name of that last one though)

And for the guys who like the warnings, here's another one  ;D

LATEST THIEF STRATEGY

If you're going to the mall, better keep an eye out for the latest kind of roberies. I was at the mall last week and while heading for my car I noticed two beautiful girls washing a car about two or three cars away from mine, a 90-60-90s burnette and an equally hot blonde. they seemed like they needed the job because they were wearing small, tight fitting t-shirts and really short shorts, which naturally were all wet because of the water. As I aproached my car they were giving the car the last touches and they asked me if I could give them a lift to the next mall. Naturally, being a gentleman and all I told them that I'd do that with pleasure. They both climbed into the back seats of my car and started a conversation, but by the time we pulled out from the mall they were already kissing! About two blocks away from the mall I stopped at a red light and the blonde got into the front passenger seat and started kissing me! I couldn't beleive my luck and I couldn't help but drive a little slower. When we finally got into the next mall they got off and I headed home. But when I got home I noticed that my wallet was gone! The burnette one must've taken it while the blonde was taking my attention... Those two girls can be found at one of those two malls and they'll use the same strategy on you allways. Anyway, just to warn you because I got stolen that day... and the next day... and the next one... and again yesterday... and today... twice... and... wait a second, I have some free time tomorrow too...
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Frank N. O. on September 07, 2006, 10:25:07 PM
Swat Cats!! I remember that, and their plane of course was a Tomcat, with 3 engines!! Woohoo!
The other really sounds like a classic Hannah Barbera cartoon (the same two guys made Tom & Jerry, The Flintstones, The Jetsons, Yogi Bear, Top Cat etc. etc.), I think it was simply called Catch That Pigeon and that was with Dick Dastardly and Mutley (the dog, who seemed to be the more intelligent sometimes, and had a funny dry laugh that I often do in real life too). Those characters and several other from the same two creators also were in a big cartoon-show with racing around the planet.

I wonder if that guy on the flightsim forum ever did finish that Sea Duck for MSFS, that could be cool.

Frank
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: madpilot44 on September 07, 2006, 11:42:21 PM
my thoughts exactly on the sea duck jaja. I was watching talespin on youtube.com and was thinking it would be a nice plane to fly. although I would like more the vertical takeoff tomcat the swat kats had... wouldn't it be a hoot?... anyways, I didn't like the racing cartoon that much (it didn't have planes on it...) although patan's (that's the dog's name in spanish) laughter always brought me a laugh too. I loved the mornings when I woke up to the sound of cartoon network and watched that cartoon before going to school, and patan hovering out of his tail jaja.

ohh the memories... good times indeed
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on September 08, 2006, 04:54:25 AM



DYSLEXICS OF THE WORLD . . .  UNTIE   !!!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Firegirl on September 11, 2006, 12:32:26 AM
A couple had been married many years. One afternoon they were working in the garden together.

As the wife was bending over pulling weeds the husband said, "Hey honey, you are getting fat. Your butt is getting huge. I bet it's as big as the gas grill now."

The husband feeling he needed to prove his point, got a yardstick, measured the grill and then measured his wife's butt.

"Yep," he said, "Just what I thought, just about the same size."

The wife got very incensed and decided to let him do the gardening alone. She went inside and didn't speak to her husband the rest of the day.

That evening when they went to bed, the husband cuddled up to his wife and said, "How about it, hon? How about a little lovemaking?"

The wife rolled over and turned her back to him, giving him the cold shoulder. "What's the matter?" he asked.

To which she replied, "You don't think I'm going to fire up this big gas grill for one little weenie, do you?"
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Turbomallard on September 11, 2006, 01:05:40 AM
Why do I get the feeling that this was what transpired prior to the chicken-shooting incident I posted last week?  ;)

TM
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Firegirl on September 11, 2006, 06:54:06 PM


A Chinese couple gets married - and she's a virgin. Truth be told, he is not
too experienced either. On the wedding night, she cowers naked  under the
sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to  her and tries to
be reassuring.
 "My darring" he says, "I know dis you first  time and you berry
frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyding you want, I do anyding - juss
anyding you want..
Whatchou want?" he says, trying to sound experienced,
which he hopes will impress his virgin bride.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.
She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I want to try somethin I have heard about .
Numbaa 69".

More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled
tone he queries...
"You want... Chicken wiff broccori?"

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: fireflyr on September 12, 2006, 02:55:20 PM
 

 
Subject: GARDENING ITALIAN STYLE

 
   Italian Garden                                                           

 
  An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his       
  tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His     
  only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man       
  wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.                 

 

 
    Dear Vincent,                                                           
    I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to       
    plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be       
    digging up a  garden plot. If you were here, I know you would dig       
    the plot for me.                                                          
     Love, Dad                                                             

 
    A few days later he received a letter from his son.                     

 
     Dear Dad,                                                             
     Don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.         
     Love, Vinnie                                                           

 
   At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and     
   dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized       
   to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another     
   letter from his son.                                                     

 

 
   Dear Dad,                                                               
   Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now.                                     
    That's the best I could do under the circumstances.                       
    Love, Vinnie                                                             

 

 

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Frank N. O. on September 12, 2006, 03:07:26 PM
Ahahaha, that was actually quite funny once the dime dropped!  |:)\

Frank
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Firegirl on September 13, 2006, 12:19:05 AM
>
 
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing  his wife turning back
and forth, looking at herself in the mirror.
Since her birthday was not far off, he askedwhat she'd like to have for her Birthday.

"I'd like to be six again", she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of
Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day !
He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the
Screaming Monster Roller Coaster... everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her
head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with
extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's.
What a fabulous adventure !
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked,

"Well Dear, what was it like being six again ??"

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

"I meant my Dress Size, you dumb ass !!"




The moral of the story:

Even when a man is listening, he is going to get it wrong!
 ;)

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: fireflyr on September 13, 2006, 02:20:11 AM
AAHAAAHAAAHA---Firegirl, that was great ;D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Firegirl on September 13, 2006, 08:38:28 PM
Thanks Jim!

Here is another one along those lines.....


The Smarter Sex

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them is hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

The man replied, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!"

The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle, and extends it back to the woman.

Politely, the woman refuses to accept the bottle.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Firegirl on September 13, 2006, 08:39:53 PM


Q: What do electric model trains and breasts have in common?
A: They're intended for children, but it's the men who usually end up playing with them.


 ;)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Baradium on September 14, 2006, 04:56:14 AM
You know Firegirl, except for the last one, I think the moral of your stories is, "women are evil!"

:p
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on September 14, 2006, 06:26:51 AM
HAHAHA! Firegirl! these were gorgeous! Keep posting!  |:)\
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Firegirl on September 14, 2006, 11:11:26 PM
You know Firegirl, except for the last one, I think the moral of your stories is, "women are evil!"


What's the moral of this one ??   ;)  ;D

 
Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
 
A blond lady walked by and asked what they were doing.  "We're supposed to
find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, but we  don't have a ladder." 

The woman took a wrench from her purse,
loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down, then she took a tape measure from
her pocket, took a measurement & announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and
walked away.
 
Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blond?  We ask
for the height, and she gives us the length."
 

 
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Baradium on September 15, 2006, 01:55:39 AM

What's the moral of this one ??   ;)  ;D

 


Don't give a blond a wrench or she'll dismantle the flagpole you just spent all day putting up.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: tundra_flier on September 15, 2006, 06:12:21 AM
Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new
 Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a
deep breath of the beautiful day outside.
   He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of
his front lawn.  He promptly called the local police station.
   The conversation went like this:
"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"
  "And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St.  ;
Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so
kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"
 Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied
with a smirk, "Well now father, it was always my impression that you people
took care of last rites!"
  There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.
  Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, tis certainly true, but we are
also obliged to notify the next of kin."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Ted_Stryker on September 15, 2006, 06:48:21 PM
A few days before his proctological exam, a one eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye. He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it.

Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed instructions, undressed, and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's arse was that eye staring right back at him!

"You know, " said the doctor, "you really have to learn to trust me."


 ;D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: fireflyr on September 17, 2006, 10:36:13 AM
   "Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil. For I
am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing." - At the entrance to the old SR-71
operating base Kadena, Japan
    -------------------------------------------------------
    "You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3." - Paul F.
Crickmore (test pilot)
    -------------------------------------------------------
    "The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."
    -------------------------------------------------------
    "Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than
submarines in the sky." - From an old carrier sailor
    ------------------------------------------------------
    "If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a
helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."
    -------------------------------------------------------
    "When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough
power left to get you to the scene of the crash."
    -------------------------------------------------------
    "Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying
club."
    -------------------------------------------------------
    "What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a
pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, .... The pilot dies."
    -------------------------------------------------------
    "Never trade luck for skill."
    -------------------------------------------------------
    The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation
are:
    "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" And "Oh S...!"
    ------------------------------------------------------
    "Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers."
    -------------------------------------------------------
    "Progress in airline flying: now a flight attendant can get a pilot
pregnant."
    -------------------------------------------------------
    "Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully
complete the flight."
    -------------------------------------------------------
    "A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a
row is prevarication."
    -------------------------------------------------------
    "I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous."
    ---------------------------------------------------------
    "Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"
    -------------------------------------------------------
    "Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the
purpose of storing dead batteries."
    -------------------------------------------------------
    "Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a
person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."
    --------------------------------------------------------
    "The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely
kill you."
    - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
    --------------------------------------------------------
    "A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to
its maximum."
    - Jon McBride, astronaut
    --------------------------------------------------------
    "If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the
crash as possible."
    - Bob Hoover (renowned aerobatic and test pilot)
    --------------------------------------------------------
    "Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you."
    -------------------------------------------------------
    "There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime."
    - Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
    ---------------------------------------------------------
    "If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."
    ---------------------------------------------------------
    Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go
near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the
appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space.
    It is much more difficult to fly there."
    -------------------------------------------------------
    "You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full
power to taxi to the terminal."
    --------------------------------------------------------------

    As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn
off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the
rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks "What happened?".
    The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!" - Attributed
to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on September 17, 2006, 05:11:35 PM
    As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn
off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the
rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks "What happened?".
    The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!" - Attributed
to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)

OH MY GOD, JIM !!!!!  :o  :o  :o

That's the best one EVER!! HA HA HA  :D  :D  |:)\
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: cj5_pilot on September 19, 2006, 12:08:26 AM

    --------------------------------------------------------
    "The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely
kill you."
    - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)

Tundra has a saying about Super Cub pilots.  A lot of them in his area are hunters that have a plane, and only use them a month or so out of the year.  Most of them like to fly LOW (As in had them pass BELOW him when he had his ultralight when he was in the pattern!).  He likes to say that Super Cub pilots only fly as high as they think they can fall from  ;D

And forget some infamous quotes from HM "Howling Mad" Murdock of A-team fame:

BA: "He crashed the plane didn't he?"
Murdock:  "I did not crash this plane! I simply landed it without the customary accompaniment of forward thrust or lift."

Murdock:  "This wasn't a crash.  Wait for the next one.  That will be a crash!"

Murdock:  "When the going gets tough, the tough get aeronautical"

Murdock:  "Thank you for flying miracle airlines. Where lady luck is your co-pilot"

Murdock:  "I got no fear, I'll go up in anything, except an elevator"

Murdock:  "God, your sky is so big; my plane is so crummy; please don't let me eat it."

and my personal favorites:

"I'm not nuts, I'm condiments. I've been promoted!"

"Who put the stop payment on my Reality check?"

(apologies if any have been up before, I haven't read all the thread yet!)

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Frank N. O. on September 19, 2006, 12:35:55 AM
    As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn
off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the
rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks "What happened?".
    The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!" - Attributed
to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)

OH MY GOD, JIM !!!!!  :o  :o  :o

That's the best one EVER!! HA HA HA  :D  :D  |:)\
Definately an awesome comment! I never heard that one before |:)\

CJ5: Great ones, I haven't heard them before, thanks for posting |:)\

Frank
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: BrianGMFS on September 19, 2006, 04:11:04 AM
I found these tonight.....

You know when you're a Freight Dog when

1) On the tarmac, the ground personnel rolls the red carpet AWAY from your plane ;

2) The plane you are flying was getting old when you were born ;

3) You haven't done a daylight landing for 6 months ;

4) The ATC tells you there is smoother air at another FL and you don't care ;

5) You call for transportation to the hotel and they can't find you on the airport ;

6) Your uniform has not been ironed for two weeks and nobody cares ;

7) You fly through a terrible storm and you can hear the thunder (instead of the passengers);

8) You have to get your own coffee ;

9) Nobody is afraid when you use the toilet ;

10) Upon approaching, you call ATC and decline your company's name and ATC replies "Who?" ;


Not 100% aviation but funny anyway

MECHANIC'S TOOL GUIDE, part 1

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or
1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your drink across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouc...."

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front fender.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a motorcycle upward off a hydraulic jack.


As a C-5 Galaxy landed and cleared the active, it taxied by a Boeing 747 holding short of the runway. The C-5 aircraft commander, knowing how much larger his giant military behemoth was than the civilian aircraft, keyed the mic and asked the 747 captain, "Hey little buddy, what's your gross?" Not to be out done the 747 captain keyed his mic and replied "A little over two hundred thousand dollars a year, how about you?"

MECHANIC'S TOOL GUIDE, part 2

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic
floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for
spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and
is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile
strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to
disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that
inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without
the handle.

BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid
from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that
your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop
light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is
not otherwise found under motorcycles at night. Health benefits aside,
its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate
that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours
of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is
somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as
the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning
power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that
travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty
bolts last tightened 60 years ago by someone in Springfield, and rounds
them off.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket
you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.


Brian
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: tundra_flier on September 19, 2006, 06:50:48 PM
HIGH VELOCITY SPRING:  Any small spring that when carefully removed proceeds to ricoche around the shop at extream velocity eventually landing god only knows where.  Typically available only by special order from South America.

Phil
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: cj5_pilot on September 19, 2006, 07:40:11 PM
BTF/PTM:  Beat to Fit/Paint to Match
RTFM:  Read the flippin Manual!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on September 19, 2006, 11:59:52 PM
Ole was walking home late at night and sees a woman standing in the
shadows.

"Twenty dollars", she whispers.

He'd never been with a hooker before, but he decides, what the hell, it's
only twenty bucks. So they hide in the bushes.
They're going "at it" for a few minutes wh en, all of a sudden, a light
flashes on them. It's a police officer.

"What's going on here, folks?" asks the officer.

"I'm making love to my wife ," Ole answers indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."

"Well," Ole says, "neither did I, until you shined that light in her
face!!!"
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Firegirl on September 21, 2006, 06:46:28 PM
 ;)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: cj5_pilot on September 21, 2006, 10:57:28 PM
;)

He stole my sigggy!  LOL  ;D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: BrianGMFS on September 26, 2006, 12:44:04 PM
Found some more Vermont Jokes ;D

You know you're from northern Vermont when:
You've taken your kids trick-or-treating during a blizzard.

You only own three spices- salt, pepper and ketchup.

You design your Halloween costumes to fit over a snowsuit.

The mosquitoes have landing lights.

You have more miles on your snowblower than your car.

You have 10 favorite recipes for venison.

The local Hardware store on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas.

You live in a house that has no front steps, yet the door is one yard above the ground.

Driving is better in the winter because the potholes get filled with snow.

Making it home during Mud Season is a competitive sport.

You think everyone from the city has an accent.

You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons.

You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.

The local paper covers national and international headlines on l/4 page, but requires 6 pages for sports.

At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.

The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.

Your snow-blower gets stuck on the roof.

You think the start of deer hunting season is a national holiday.

You head south to go to your cottage.

You frequently clean grease off your barbecue so the bears won't prowl on your deck.

You know which leaves make good toilet paper.

The town officials greet you on the street by your first name.

There is only one shopping plaza in town.

The major parish fundraiser isn't bingo- its sausage making.

You find -20F a little chilly.

The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freezer.

You attended a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewelry and your snowmobile boots.

You can play road hockey on skates.

Shoveling the driveway constitutes a great upper body workout.

You know the 4 seasons: Winter, Still Winter, Almost Winter, and Construction.

The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.

Your idea of a traffic jam is 10 cars waiting to pass a logging truck
Vacation means going to Burlington.
You measure distance in hours.
You know several people who have hit moose more than once.
You use a down comforter in the summer.
You see people wearing hunting clothes at social events.
You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
You think of the major food groups as deer meat, beer, fish, and berries.
You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them.
it takes you 3 hours to go to the store for one item even when you're in a rush because you have to stop and talk to everyone in town.

Not Vermont but dang funny

Dear Sir:

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put "Poor Planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which when weighed later were found to weigh 240 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240 lbs of bricks. You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 135 lbs.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3, accident reporting form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground-and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs.

I refer you again to my weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope.


Brian

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: BrianGMFS on September 26, 2006, 01:45:53 PM
Before I was a Ramp Rat (ahem.... Line Service Technician) I was an EMT for 12 years so theses sayings are soooooo true

The 10 (+) Rules of EMS


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1. Skin signs tell all.
2. Sick people don't bitch.
3. Air goes in and out, blood goes round and round, any variation on this is a bad thing.
4. Newbies have there own way of doing things.
5. The more equipment you see on a EMTs belt, the newer they are.(when I started I had a holster with scissors, gloves,forceps and a flashlight. At the end of my career I maybe had a couple of pairs of rubber gloves in my pocket)
6. There is no rule 6.
7. When dealing with patients, supervisors, or citizens, if it felt good saying it, it was the wrong thing to say.
8. All bleeding stops....eventually.
9. All people will eventually die, no matter what you do.
10. If the child is quiet, be scared.

(And A few more)
11. Always follow the rules, but be wise enough to forget them sometimes. (So True)
12. If the patient vomits in the rig try to hold their head to the side of the rig with the disposable equipment, not the stuff you have to clean.
13. If someone dies by chemical hazards, electrical shocks or other on-scene dangers it should be the patient, not you.
14. Any EMT, FF, LEO and/or scene chief who is more drunk (or more stupid) than the patient is the real problem. (had a few like that over the years)
15. There will be problems.
16. You can't cure stupid.
17. If it's wet and sticky and not yours, LEAVE IT ALONE!
18. If at all possible, avoid any edible item that firefighters prepare, especially the tuna casserole. (That's why I did all the cooking on my shift)
19. Heaven protects Fools and Drunks.
20. EMS is extended periods of intense boredom, interrupted by occasional moments of sheer terror.
21. Every Emergency has three phases PANIC, FEAR, AND REMORSE.
22. You are bound to get a call either during dinner, while you are on the can, or at 02:00 in the middle of a great dream.
23. Rocket scientists that get into stupid car crashes are the first ones to complain how bumpy the ambulance ride is.
24. The severity of the injury(s) is directly proportional to the difficulty in accessing, as well as the weight, of the patient.
25. Turret mounted machine guns usually work better than lights and sirens. (wish I had those on my rig)
26. Make sure the rookie EMT knows that a med patch is a radio term, and not a medicated bandage.
27. Paramedics save lives; But it's EMT skills that save Paramedics.
28. When a patient vomits outside, be sure to aim it at the citizens who wouldn't back up.
29. Never trust your rig, drug box, or airway bag to be
fully stocked. In spite of the assurances of the offgoing crew.
30. If you don't have it, don't give up, Adapt, Improvise, Overcome, (then call for a second unit).
31. There is no such thing as a "textbook case"
32. Newbies always look for large things in the smallest compartments and vice versa.
33. There is no such thing as a bad call. Only calls that didn't go the way you planned.
36. If there are no drunks at an MVA after midnight, keep looking, some one is missing.
37. Just cause your paranoid does not mean the Supervisor isn't around the corner.
38. Remember what MICN stands for, "May I interrupt your Call Now?".
39. Just because someones license date is before yours does not mean they know what they are doing.

And a couple from Me...

Cops make great IV Poles (here officer, hold this)
A kid will always puke on you when you aren't looking
there's nothing worse than a Belligerent Head injured patient... unless it's a DRUNK belligerent head injured patient
Sport Bikes (Ninjas and the like) are called Zing Splats.. Cause the go ZINNNNNNGGGGGGGGGG SPLAT!!!!!



Brian

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: fireflyr on September 26, 2006, 02:51:40 PM
HAAAHAA ROFL!!!!
Great stuff Brian!!! |:)\
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Callisto on September 27, 2006, 06:01:02 PM
http://www.bluedonut.com/100jokes.htm

Top 100 Jokes of all times. Not my top 100, but worth the read!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: tundra_flier on September 27, 2006, 09:29:36 PM
Sounds like Vermont and Alaska have a few things in common.  LOL

Here's a couple of mine:

You might be an Alaskan Redneck Pilot:

If you have at least one wrecked cub in the yard that SOMEDAY you'll rebuild into the ultimate bush plane...

If you own a totally tricked out cub with all the Alaskan mods, but live in a run down cabin without running water...

If you're plane has had temporary duct tape patches for more than 2 years...

If your annual inspection happens every 5 years...

If you've ever had to debate whether to buy beer...or avgas...

If you've ever left fuel on the ground to carry more beer!

Phil
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: BrianGMFS on September 28, 2006, 02:17:47 AM
Alot of native Vermonters move to Alaska because it's like Vermont was 30 years ago before all the Enviorment conscious Flatlanders moved in (the term flatlander is usually reserved for anyone from Massachusetts, Connecticut or NYC who moved to Vermont to "get away" from city life then decided that VT needed more stuff like the cities had)

Two guys that were in my High School Class live in Alaska now.... Both work for the state. Kyle works for Fish and Game in Juneau and Bruce is in Anchorage working for the States Atty office. I looked into going up there myself last year when I was out of work but didn't have the resources for the move at that time.

Brian
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Baradium on September 28, 2006, 04:21:45 AM
What's your line of work again Brian?  There are a few occupations here (such as teaching) that will give money for moving expenses.

There's always this year or next...  ;)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: BrianGMFS on September 29, 2006, 02:53:27 AM
Well Unless I can find someone who will pay me $12.50 or more an hour (what I make now plus Bennies) and pay for my moving expenses (2 people, plus 10 dogs) I guess I'm stuck in the lower 48 for a while ;)

I'm working now as a Ramp Rat (IE Line services Technician) for a Part 135 Charter and Aircraft maintenance company (the biggest of either in Vermont and one of the bigest in New England). And the way My boss keeps dropping hints that he may be leaving, I may end up Line service supervisor before long here. So I don't think I'd want to move up north just yet.

We just hired a New King Air FO who was flying for L.A.B. air services in Juneau and we have a New A&P starting Monday who's moving here from somewhere in AK. My company has grown so much in the last year it's scary. we went from a hangar with 20,000 square feet total (including offices, parts room and the avionics lab) to one that has 30,000 square feet in just the hangar. Hired 6 more mechanics, 2 Avionics Techs , 2 additional line guys, 2 new charter sales people, and 8 pilots. Not to mention the purchase of our third King Air C-90 Bringing the aircraft fleet to 6 (3 King Air C-90's, a Citation Excel, a Citation Encore and a Canadair Challenger 601) Most of our pilots fly two of the types in the fleet for more flexibility. Only one captain flies the encore exclusively and one new hire Captain is only checked out in the C-90. Most everyone else flies the King airs and one of the jets except for 2 that fly the challenger and excel only. Heck, we even have a cool callsign.... Snowshoe

Here's a shot of our old building:
(http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y215/Brian_Gladden/IM001874.jpg)

And the new one:
(http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y215/Brian_Gladden/IM001865.jpg)

Brian

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Dillo on September 29, 2006, 04:25:36 PM
AVweb's weekly Short Final is a great source of aviation humor. Here are some of my favorites. I think Mike, Stef, and the forum members will particularly appreciate the first one:

-----
Heard at Republic Airport, Long Island:

Ground controller to a cargo Beech-18 taxiing in: "What are you hauling today?"

Twin Beech: "Ten thousand baby chicks ... we had a heck of a job getting them to put their seat belts on."
-----
(Two company DH8's on final into Saskatoon, Saskatchewan.)

Controller: CO1234, your traffic is company DH8, at your 11 o'clock, 3,000.

CO1234: Roger Saskatoon, have company DH8 in sight, too close for missiles, going to guns.

Controller: Roger ... please avoid hitting tower.
-------
Overheard following a Lear's very steep climb out of Teterboro:

Controller: "Lear 12345, after retrieving your passengers from the tail section, contact departure..."
------
Overheard on Tallahassee Approach during some very turbulent weather conditions:

TLH Approach: Cessna 12345, state intentions.

Pilot: Cessna 12345 intends to land without hurling ... somehow.
-----
More from our "Well, you ASKED!" file:

Pilot: Tower, Cessna 1234, what's the wind doing?

Tower: Blowing. (Laughter in background.)
-----
Reportedly true ATIS:

Big Airport International information Delta. 2100 zulu ... [weather, approach information, NOTAMs, etc.] ... Arriving aircraft contact approach at 120.3 ... [silence] ... You stupid machine, why do you always do this to me?
-----
Overheard while flying east from Dayton...

Approach: Cirrus 123, what’s your speed?

Cirrus 123: Now showing 200 kts over the ground on the GPS.

Unknown pilot on frequency: That’s one fast-moving cloud!
-----
 
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: tundra_flier on October 01, 2006, 08:21:30 AM
Moses:  Ok God, let me get this straight...The arabs get all the oil, and we have to cut off our what?!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Baradium on October 01, 2006, 08:28:15 AM
Moses:  Ok God, let me get this straight...The arabs get all the oil, and we have to cut off our what?!

That's a good one,  although the more I thought about it the more I started wondering exactly at what point the Muslim religion established itself, I thought it was after that point that they split off or whatever they did.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: fireflyr on October 01, 2006, 02:32:58 PM
  HMM?   If you are curious about that, here's a link that might help.

http://www.explorefaith.org/neighbors/index.html
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: tundra_flier on October 02, 2006, 01:21:31 AM
Moses:  Ok God, let me get this straight...The arabs get all the oil, and we have to cut off our what?!

That's a good one,  although the more I thought about it the more I started wondering exactly at what point the Muslim religion established itself, I thought it was after that point that they split off or whatever they did.

If I recall correctly, Mohamed started preaching about 622 AD. So quite a long time after Moses.   Islam is really the new comer on the block of major religions, maybe in another 600 years it'll be as 'civilized' and moderate at christianity.

Phil
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Frank N. O. on October 02, 2006, 01:45:59 AM
My 2 cents: It's not the religion that makes people agressive, it's the people themselves. Thankfully many that call themselves muslims are not believers of the holy war nor are they terrorists. Of course in the current state of the world then that does indeed make it harder to identify friend from foe, but I still find it positive that far from all muslims want to kill all infidels (they simply do not have jihaad as part of their definition of islam, and many say it's actually a religion of peace). Furthermore, many different versions exist of all religions but they call it the same, also cristianity, some are extremely literal in their reading of their beliefs and imho act half-way nuts about, others are more down to earth and understand a joke from an insult etc.

There's more than enough misunderstanding in the world due to differences in comunication and too many people/groups try to put people into too narrowly defined groups. I for one reguse to be called a dane if people use it to guess my culture, interests, political stance etc. or blame me for those stupid drawings like some people did, one young american made a video singing that Denmark and danes all are bastards etc. and uploaded it on google video. That's kind of narrowminded isn't it?

Sorry for the very serious note but I thought it was important.

On a lighter side:

Adam was walking around in Eden but he was bored so he asked God for a companion. God said he could create a woman, who is a wonderful sweet being. Adam thought it was great and asked what it would cost. God replied: An arm and a leg. Adam replied: What can I get for a rib?

Now if you believe in the god this is linked to and can laugh at it then you can differentiate between a joke with no evil intention and a real insult.

And some more (I think this one is so funny :D ):
Santa Claus, upon trudging out to his sleigh for his annual night freight trip around the world, was surprised to find a guy with a shotgun standing next to his rig. Santa asked him why he was there. The man replied, "I'm from the FAA, and this is an unscheduled 135 inspection. I'll ride right seat." Santa responded, "With all due respects, sir, I've been doing this flight for over 700 years -- but if you insist, well, let's go." As they both climbed into the sleigh, Santa noticed that the FAA inspector brought his shotgun along with him, placing it in his lap, with his finger on the trigger. Santa queried, "What's the shotgun for?" To which the FAA inspector grumbled, "You're going to lose two on takeoff..."

Q. Why did Santa Claus ask Rudolf to lead his sleigh team?
A. Rudolf was the only one who was IFR current.

And from the Northeast U.S.:
"Mornin’ center, ABC123 Heavy checking in at 12,000 and 250kts assigned."
"Roger ABC123 Heavy, cross DRESR at 9,000 reduce speed to 210kts."
"Cross DRESR at 9,000 slow to 210, ABC123 Heavy."
From unknown crew...
"Yeah, we have one of those [Cross Dresser] at our company too."

And from India, where they use this as a classic example of 'standard phraseology':
U.S. Fighter pilot to tower: "This is chrome-plated stove pipe, triple nickel eight ball, angels eight, five in the slot, boots on and laced, I wanna bounce and blow.
Tower: "Roger you got the nod to hit the sod.

And from Sydney, Australia:
"Hold your push back QANTAS, you've got a Virgin with a tight slot behind you."

And one from Daytona, Florida:
"Tower, this is N123ER, how do you read?" "Usually at night, in bed with my light on."

"Approach, how far from the airport are we in minutes?" "N923, the faster you go, the quicker you'll get here."

"American Two-Twenty, Eneey, meeny, miney, moe, how do you hear my radio?"

In the space age, man will be able to go around the world in two hours -- one hour for flying and one hour to get to the airport.

Ok and for those movie-fans out there, how said this(this is Frank asking, not part of the quoted joke)?
Flying an aeroplane with only a single propeller to keep you in the air. Can you imagine that?

Frank
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: tundra_flier on October 02, 2006, 09:55:10 PM
Quote
In the space age, man will be able to go around the world in two hours -- one hour for flying and one hour to get to the airport.


Don't you mean 6 hours?

1 hour to get to the airport
2 hours standing in lines at the airport
1 hour waiting for late plane
1 hour flying
1 hour waiting for luggage and finding your car.

Oh wait, I just described flying from Anchorage to Fairbanks on Alaskan airlines.  And it only takes 7 hours to drive if construction isn't too bad.  :(

But my favorite 4 hour option:

1 hour - flight plan, briefing, fueling and pre-flight tundra toy.
2.5 hours - actual flight time.
0.5 hours - Tiedown, pay transient fees, wait for Bob.

Phil
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on October 02, 2006, 10:10:01 PM
I flew commercially from Vegas to Reno today and it literally took me 90min ( :o ) to get through
security. I almost missed my plane!!

90min !!!!

Oh, did I mention my flight left at 0710 and I was at the airport just before 0530 !!!
Many people who left themselves 1 hour, like they say it takes for domestic flights, missed their planes...
And this at five in the morning. It's gonna take me days to get over that !!!

When I fly between Vegas and LA it takes me the exact same time to fly as it takes me to drive.
5hrs...
It's only an hour flight but just like you said, by the time you're at the airport and through security....
The only difference is, if I go the airline route, I can drink!   ;)
But either way it takes the same time and I am the same level of "aggrivated".....   :(
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: tundra_flier on October 09, 2006, 09:05:55 AM
Got this one from my high school Science teacher.

The 3 most traditionally underpaid groups of women decided to open a whore house to supplement their meager day jobs.

The secretaries got the first floor because everyone knows they're the best looking.

The telephone operators got the second floor because they have such sexy voices.

And the teachers got the top floor.

After a few weeks of business the Secretaries and Telephone operators noticed that all the men were going straight to the top floor.  Puzzled by this, they stopped on of the patrons and asked him why?

"Well, at first I went to the secretaries, but just as I was getting warmed up she said: 'I'm sorry, it's time for my coffee break'.  So next I went to the operators and just as things were really getting hot she said: 'I'm sorry, you time is up'.  So finally I went to the teachers who after I was finished told me: 'Now I want you to keep doing it over and over again till you get it perfect!'
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Baradium on October 10, 2006, 05:07:12 AM
I flew commercially from Vegas to Reno today and it literally took me 90min ( :o ) to get through
security. I almost missed my plane!!


You know, if you had a 172 or something,  it'd be quicker than either option.  ;)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: cj5_pilot on October 10, 2006, 05:26:45 AM
Reno is currently the ONLY place besides Alaska I would consider living.  A lively jeep group and the National Championship Airraces.  Also, people thinking 50 degrees ABOVE is cold would keep me laughing for YEARS to come!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: tundra_flier on October 10, 2006, 05:43:11 AM
Reno is currently the ONLY place besides Alaska I would consider living.  A lively jeep group and the National Championship Airraces.  Also, people thinking 50 degrees ABOVE is cold would keep me laughing for YEARS to come!

Yeah, I remember the weird looks we got from the people in down parkas looking at us in our shorts and t-shirts waiting for the gate to open in the morning!  Parkas! it was 60 above out!

Phil
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on October 10, 2006, 04:55:31 PM

Procrastinators of the world unite ! ! !

. . . tomorrow.[/b]



 ;D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Ted_Stryker on October 10, 2006, 05:03:03 PM
I thought I made a mistake once.... but I was wrong.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on October 10, 2006, 08:29:08 PM
If you try to fail and you succeed.....which have you done?
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Ted_Stryker on October 10, 2006, 08:41:39 PM
If you try to fail and you succeed.....which have you done?

Ohh... trying for a Royal Fizzbin, eh?

Only if it's black on Tuesday   ;D |:)\
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Turbomallard on October 11, 2006, 12:46:18 AM
If you try to fail and you succeed.....which have you done?

Ohh... trying for a Royal Fizzbin, eh?

Only if it's black on Tuesday   ;D |:)\

Everything I say is a lie. Now pay close attention: I am lying.

Now if everything I say is a lie and I tell you I'm lying, then I'm telling the truth, but I cannot tell the truth because everything I say is a lie............
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Gulfstream Driver on October 11, 2006, 06:37:19 PM
we need an exploding robot head smiley.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on October 12, 2006, 05:15:00 PM
True that Gulf....


Wow Turbo. . .  that was waaaaay to deep for the average pilot.  :o  ;D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Turbomallard on October 12, 2006, 05:18:29 PM

Wow Turbo. . .  that was waaaaay to deep for the average pilot.  :o  ;D

Just another bit from a different Star Trek episode than Ted quoted (same season, though)  ;)

TM
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: fireflyr on October 12, 2006, 08:49:17 PM

Quote

Everything I say is a lie. Now pay close attention: I am lying.

Now if everything I say is a lie and I tell you I'm lying, then I'm telling the truth, but I cannot tell the truth because everything I say is a lie............
Quote
WHAT ARE YOU SMOKING???
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Turbomallard on October 12, 2006, 09:27:18 PM

Quote

Everything I say is a lie. Now pay close attention: I am lying.

Now if everything I say is a lie and I tell you I'm lying, then I'm telling the truth, but I cannot tell the truth because everything I say is a lie............
Quote
WHAT ARE YOU SMOKING???

Nothing. This is simply what trying to write 397 captions (after researching who what why where for each picture) and trying to figure out where to put them in a book manuscript does to you...

TM
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on October 12, 2006, 10:46:50 PM
...whoa...if ever given the option....... I'd rather smoke something HA HA  :D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: tundra_flier on October 13, 2006, 07:12:37 PM
Mike, I got a bunch of 'dope' that needs doing here.  Several square yards in fact.
Come on over.   ;) ;D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: cj5_pilot on October 13, 2006, 08:32:35 PM
It's get's you "high" more then once....once when you apply it and then when you fly it!  That's a cheap "Buzz"! |:)\
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: tundra_flier on October 14, 2006, 05:00:59 AM
Actually...I'm pretty certain most illegle drugs are cheaper than aviation   ;)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: fireflyr on October 14, 2006, 03:48:06 PM
Actually...I'm pretty certain most illegle drugs are cheaper than aviation   ;)
And less addictive too, I've been "high" on airplanes for 47 years and don't want to think about how much I have spent on the habit!  :D :-\
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on October 15, 2006, 02:19:29 AM
AND the both can kill ya if you don't pay attention !!



AND you never wanna tell your mama you're doing either !!!  ;)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: fireflyr on October 15, 2006, 02:33:35 AM
AND the both can kill ya if you don't pay attention !!



AND you never wanna tell your mama you're doing either !!!  ;)
Absolutely don't tell mama----my mom was proud of me because she thought I played piano in a cathouse---she'd been dissapointed to know that I flew airplanes for money! :'(
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Baradium on October 15, 2006, 03:00:49 AM
AND you never wanna tell your mama you're doing either !!!  ;)

Haha!

Didn't really apply in my case though, come from a family of pilots. 

Be hard to explain parental flight benefits without telling her too.   

"Hey Mom, you get some new flight benefits with this airline you've never heard of!"

"Really?  How's that?"

"It's becasue.... uh... because I'm really good on the piano!"


You could also add in your favorite false shocker (something she'd hear wrong that you then explain away) to change the subject so she forgets about it.  ;)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Frank N. O. on October 21, 2006, 12:02:12 AM
AND the both can kill ya if you don't pay attention !!



AND you never wanna tell your mama you're doing either !!!  ;)
Absolutely don't tell mama----my mom was proud of me because she thought I played piano in a cathouse---she'd been dissapointed to know that I flew airplanes for money! :'(
ROFL that was a great one! Ah, cathouse, good old words, much nicer sounding than PC'ness in my opinion, and it makes "senior citizens" be hip again!  |:)\ (Note: It was a joke on the word Senior Citizen sounding so distant to aging, not calling anyone here old/ancient etc. especially not Jim).

And here's one I just heard on comedy radio, Garrison Kellar and Co. The Art of the Rimshot, I've never heard this one before and I don't condone this in real life but as a joke only then it's great!
"A cop was monitoring a parkinglot and a man stumbles over and tries 30 cars before finally opening the door of his own and falls asleep at the wheel. The other cars get in an drive away and finally the man wakes up and starts driving and the cop pulls him over. They take a alchohol test and it reads 0.0% blood alchohol level. The cop asks "how can this be?" and the man answers "tonight's my time to be the decoy"".

Frank
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Baradium on October 22, 2006, 09:36:32 PM


And here's one I just heard on comedy radio, Garrison Kellar and Co. The Art of the Rimshot, I've never heard this one before and I don't condone this in real life but as a joke only then it's great!
"A cop was monitoring a parkinglot and a man stumbles over and tries 30 cars before finally opening the door of his own and falls asleep at the wheel. The other cars get in an drive away and finally the man wakes up and starts driving and the cop pulls him over. They take a alchohol test and it reads 0.0% blood alchohol level. The cop asks "how can this be?" and the man answers "tonight's my time to be the decoy"".

Frank

I heard a similiar one, but the guy was stumbling around and having trouble getting into his car and events such as that while everyone drove off...  in the US they can give you a DUI for being in the car, the engine doesn't have to be running, hence the different version...
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: tundra_flier on October 23, 2006, 07:57:21 PM
The Boy and the Frog

A boy was walking past a pond when a little frog called out "little boy!  I'm really a beautiful princess who's been cursed, if you kiss me I'll turn back into my true form!"  The boy stopped, picked up the frog, smiled and continued down the road.

A bit later the frog called out again "Little boy, if you kiss me and turn me back into my true form I'll do any favor you ask of me!"  The boy smilled again, and continued walking.

Now the frog was really getting desperate "Little boy, Please kiss me and turn me back to my true self.  I'm really a very beautiful princess, I'll do anything you ask and be your girlfriend as long as you want!"  The boy smiled and said "I'm an engineer, I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is really cool!"
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Baradium on October 25, 2006, 07:53:48 PM
"A positive attitude will not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Ted_Stryker on October 26, 2006, 04:48:22 PM
Speed Trap

A state trooper spied a car puttering along at 22 MPH. So he turned on his lights and pulled the driver over. Approaching the car, he noticed that five elderly nuns were inside, and they looked wide-eyed and terribly pale.
The driver pleaded with him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Sister," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous."

"I beg to differ, Officer, I was doing the speed limit exactly: twenty-two miles an hour!" the old nun said.

The trooper, chuckling, explained to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the elderly nun grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Sister, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok?  These other sisters with you seem awfully shaken."

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute," the old nun said. "We just got off Route 119."

 ;D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Turbomallard on November 05, 2006, 01:05:52 AM
Some friends of mine:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vgz3uF7PxhI

Don't mess with mallards...

TM
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Baradium on November 05, 2006, 02:25:14 AM
That's a good one! 
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Frank N. O. on November 05, 2006, 02:40:33 AM
LOL totally tubular dude!  :D

Frank
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Gulfstream Driver on November 05, 2006, 06:36:38 PM
Awesome.  That reminds me of the best Superbowl commercial ever.  It was a Nissan commercial with pidgeons chasing a freshly washed car with Kenny Loggins' "Danger Zone" in the background. 
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: fireflyr on November 08, 2006, 02:20:47 AM
GOOD ONE DUCK---believe I'll take the plug out of my 12 guage so I can have some rifled slugs in back for return fire---think the game warden would buy that excuse ?
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Turbomallard on November 08, 2006, 04:59:23 AM
If the game warden minds, just give my friends standard grid coordinates, and they'll take care of the problem!

TM
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: zippyt on November 08, 2006, 05:31:05 AM
This from Plthjnx,
His words " Grounded untill further notice "
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on November 08, 2006, 04:28:48 PM
speaking of Plthjnx....
....here is another one that reminded me of him:


 

MEN DO REMEMBER ANNIVERSARIES

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their
bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in
front of him.
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.


"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why
are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up from is coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we
were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and
sensitive. "Yes I do," she replies.
The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when
your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"
"Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my
face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail
for 20 years?'"
"I remember that too" she replied softly.


He wiped another tear from his cheek and said ......"I would have gotten out
today."

 


Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on November 08, 2006, 11:01:05 PM

It's kind of quiet in here without "Happylanding" . . . :-\

I miss her . . .  :'(  :'(

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Frank N. O. on November 09, 2006, 02:17:50 AM
Yeah, although we've really gone thrue a lot of jokes here!  |:)\

I can take a look in my Aviation folder for my threads with saved aviation jokes and try to find some good ones that haven't been posted yet.

Frank
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Baradium on November 09, 2006, 06:17:41 PM

It's kind of quiet in here without "Happylanding" . . . :-\

I miss her . . .  :'(  :'(



 :'(


Anyone heard anything from her?   

Last I heard it sounded like she was done in Britain...
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Firegirl on November 09, 2006, 07:08:30 PM
Yeah, she is missed, isn't she!?!

Maybe I can help out:


A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed
appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However,
the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.
 
Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him
about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so
he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive
tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily. Written in large black
letters was the sentence.

 

"Get well quick..... from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Frank N. O. on November 09, 2006, 07:36:03 PM
Sigh, both about Happy and my best friend Chey that've been visiting socal for a week so I've missed chatting with her, I can just say that this is one of the truest sayings in the world: Women, can't live with them, can't live without them (for me the part however is only because I can't get permanent residency in USA, otherwise I'd be moving now and this is not a joke btw).

Firegirl, that's the first time I can remember hearing that joke, what a great one on so many levels.

Frank
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Frank N. O. on November 15, 2006, 06:10:06 PM
I think I just saw happy logged in here earlier, but until she starts posting again I'll take the chance and post a joke from an old danish Garfield magazine.

Garfield: Us cats can take a nap anytime. All should be this lucky. With aircraft pilots as a possible exception.

Frank
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on November 15, 2006, 06:25:41 PM
I think I just saw happy logged in here earlier, but until she starts posting again I'll take the chance and post a joke from an old danish Garfield magazine.

Garfield: Us cats can take a nap anytime. All should be this lucky. With aircraft pilots as a possible exception.

Frank

You were right, Frank! I logged off in order to write the mail!

Hello Mates,
I’m sorry I’m not having a lot of time to check in (not time at all, better said!)! Life has been quite frenzy lately. In September, as I had told you, I went to London to study Arabic. I unfortunately chose one the worst school I could have ever chosen and ended a six weeks of courses with a good amount of stress and no useful knowledge of the language, since I start speaking it now, that I’ve changed school.
You cannot say you know a language if you’re unable to speak at least about everyday life, even if you have a good vocabulary in other things and I was speaking like a toddler….and a stranger one, if ever I could find a way to say something I was not taught about (that means everything apart from all the things related to school life and some words that cannot be useful if you cannot talk as United Nations and minister of the interior)!! I really got p****d off by that school and sure as hell it will not have any good advertisement from my side! It was like teaching a language “turning around it”, if you see what I mean,  that’s surely not an academically and least professional way to work, with two arabs who surely never taught in their life, but since the language is quite requested, they found a way to gain money. They pointed a lot on the grammar side of everything, and I see now that the 4/5 of what I did was completely not useful, since you can very well speak the language in a perfect way without knowing all the subtleties they stressed upon, since nobody – apart from the purist of the language – use them. Nicely tailored course, since I had asked and paid for a 1-2-1 to enable me to speak, to converse, to understand! It would have been like teaching Italian in order to understand the Divine Comedy, or to teach English in order to understand Shakespeare’s sonnets, before being able to say good morning. At the end I went back to Switzerland for less then a week to change the wardrobe, for a quick flight, and came back to England for another course in another – and incredibly serious and professional – school. Unfortunately, the time I’ve to write into the forum is lately quite scarce, since I’m trying to cover the knowledge I should have had after the end of the other school and the extra of this one. In the meantime, probably due to the stress I “cultivated” shingles, that’s taking me to the edge of reason and patience and to my nerves, that means I’m not completely in good shape, and quite hysterical, but well….that’s life! At least until Xmas, I won’t be back home, and it could be that in January I will be coming back again to the UK for the same reason! So, time actually got a fast pace and the last time I entered the forum I could see that I had something new to read in every thread of the forum that made me feel how much I’ve lost! I will need some time to recover everything, but I will try (I can’t promise, though!) to post a message every now and then! I always think about you and I miss you all a big deal! And in the meantime, I will use this message to say a belated welcome to all the new chicks and chicken inside the coop, I’ve not meet yet! I’ll try to do my best to keep you informed! A big big kiss!  :) :) :) ;) ;) ;) :) :) :)
Happylanding!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Baradium on November 15, 2006, 06:42:16 PM
Glad to hear from you!   Good to know everything's alright... albiet sounding quite stressfull!

Keep us updated when you can!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Frank N. O. on November 16, 2006, 12:29:35 AM
Sorry to hear about your troubles :(
Me and my mom have now for years experienced one bad thing after the other despite really trying to plan and research before doing anything important.

My best and sincere wishes for a quick improvement in your situation.
Frank
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on November 16, 2006, 05:50:58 AM
YAY!!

Good to hear you're still alive and kicking, Happy!!
Good luck with the school!!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: TheSoccerMom on November 16, 2006, 09:48:19 PM
Dear Happy,

Sorry to hear of your recent trials... how frustrating!!  But, you certainly sound like the kind of person who can soldier on cheerfully though 'most anything, so I hope it will go by and you will find yourself in an easier situation.  Stress gets old, so be sure to stop and put your feet up and take care of yourself!!   ;)   ;)

Hugs, the Soccer Mom***    :) 
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on November 16, 2006, 11:09:04 PM
thanks Mates for the kind messages! :)

I just realized that my last message was a really complaining one, and I'm sorry about it (gosh, plus that I'm under the humour I need humour thread!  :) :) :) ). Life isn't so bad, even if I painted it quite badly.... I was just really angry because of what happened with the previous school! this courses are costing me all my savings, and I hate to think I've thrown a good amount out of the window since they are not for free and UK is incredibly expensive. and it is for that reason that I'm "overworking" now, so to "save" and try to reach the highest possible level of knowledge. And well, now I'm in a school where they really know their job. And apart from shingles, that's a really annoying thing, that often does not let me sleep, the rest is just stressing, but I usually stand the pressure, even if - SoccerMom, it's true! - it escavates some more wrinkles on the face!!  >:( :( :o ;)

So, here a joke. i hope nobody has posted anything alike lately, since I've not checked the previous pages.....

--------------------------------------------
Frequent Flayer's Ten Golden Rules


-No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and need the delay to make the flight.
-If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest gate within the terminal.
-If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably will be delayed.
-Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world.
-If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence as soon as you touch pen to paper. Or start to drink your coffee.
-If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has the seats on the aisle and the window while you are still in the boarding area. Just look for the two largest passengers.
-Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go to the lavatory.
-The crying baby on board is always seated next to you.
-The best-looking woman/man on your flight is never seated next to you.
-The less carry-on luggage space available on an aircraft, the more carry-on luggage passengers will bring aboard.

--------------

Hugs to you all!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Firegirl on November 17, 2006, 05:44:25 PM
Maybe I can help out a little too. I found this on the internet!
Good story!
to all you girls in the forum: can you imagine????  :P ::)



this is probably the funniest date story ever, first date or not!!!
 
This was on the "Tonight Show" with Jay Leno. Jay went into the
audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever
had. The winner described her worst first date experience. There was
absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!
 
She said it was midwinter... snowing and quite cold...and the guy had
taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City, Utah. It was a
day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and truly had
never met before.
 
The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home
late that afternoon.
 
They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to
realize that she should not have had that extra latte. They were about
an hour way from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere!
 
Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while.
Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a
point where she told him that he had better stop and let her pee beside
the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.
 
They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her
pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing,
so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself.
 
Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and
indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could
think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing
nature of the situation.
 
Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As
she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks
were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen
to pump handles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage
her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a
brand new problem due to the extreme cold.
 
Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humour of the moment, she
answered her date's concerns about "what is taking so long" with a reply
that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off and in need of some
assistance!"
 
He came around the car a s she tried to cover herself with her sweater
and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing.
 
She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose
themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the
situation was, they also were faced with a real problem.
 
Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from
the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the
predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was
only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her
first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the
fender.
 
As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show
prize hands down... or perhaps that should be "pants down." .... .....
 
And you thought your first date was embarrassing.!!
Jay Leno's comment . "This gives a whole new meaning to being' pissed
off."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: chuckar101 on November 18, 2006, 06:14:06 PM
Thats extremely funny, but that had to be the quietest drive back down the mountain.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on November 18, 2006, 07:25:46 PM
Yeah, HA HA!!!

I wonder if they are still together.... If so, I bet they would be a good couple.....
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on November 19, 2006, 07:41:16 PM
while we're at the subject of peeing (I wonder why that keeps coming up....we have a whole thread about it.... ;D )

here is another one:


THE POLITE WAY TO GO PEE
 
             During one of her daily classes a teacher trying
to teach good manners, asked her students the
following question.
 
            "Michael, if you were on a date having dinner
with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that
you have to go to the bathroom?"
 
              Michael said, "just a minute I have to go pee."
 
              The teacher responded by saying, :that would be
rude and impolite.
 
              What about you Peter, how would you say it?"
 
              Peter, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to
the bathroom. I'll be right back."
            "Thats better, but it's still not very nice to say
the word bathroom at the dinner table and you, little
Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us
your good manners?"
              "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused
for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear
friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after
dinner."
 
              The teacher fainted.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Baradium on November 21, 2006, 04:34:53 AM
Working in the airiline industry:

1. We work in weird shifts. Like prostitutes
2. They pay you to make the client happy... Like a prostitute
3. The client pays a lot of money, but your employer keeps almost every penny... Like a prostitute
4. You are rewarded for fulfilling the client's dreams... Like a prostitute
5. Your friends fall apart and you end up hanging out with people in the same profession as you... Like a prostitute
6. When you have to meet the client you always have to be perfectly groomed. Like a prostitute
7. But when you go back home it seems like you are coming back from hell... Like a prostitute
8. The client always wants to pay less but expects incredible things from you... Like a prostitute
9. When people ask you about your job, you have difficulties to explain it... Like a prostitute
10. Everyday when you wake up, you say: I'M NOT GOING TO SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE DOING THIS"..... Like a prostitute


REMARKS The only difference is the prostitutes can take Christmas and New Year's Eve off and they actually DO make a lot of Money!!!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Frank N. O. on November 21, 2006, 05:05:12 AM
LOLx2!  :D  |:)\

Frank
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: fireflyr on November 21, 2006, 04:35:13 PM
I concur with Baradium---pilots and prostitutes have always had a lot in common--both can have jobs and hobbies that overlap! ;)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Baradium on November 21, 2006, 07:02:24 PM
http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/cowswithguns.php


http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/magical+trevor/


http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/kenya/


http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/kenya+live/


http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/badgers/



Enjoy!


Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Frank N. O. on November 28, 2006, 10:48:56 PM
There can really be some funny ones there, if only there were some CW jokes there too (when I get some time I want to check out animation tools because there are several jokes in the two books I'm sure could work animated).

Here's one I just heard from Gary Mule Deer on the internet radio and I wonder if it's really true:
"I found this in the pocket of the seat in front of me on a Southwest Airlines Flight: If you're sitting near an exit and cannot read this sign please tell a crewmember."
I've heard other similar ones:

At a drivethrue there was written: Picture menu available on request. The staff said it was for people who couldn't read and when the comic asked how they would know she said in all seriousness: It's written right there.
Note: In it's mainly just McDonalds that has drivehtrues but they usually have several pictures together with the menu name and price.

Yet another one: At a drivethrue bank there were the instructions for the ATM in braille. And I agree with the comic's question: What blind person drives a car to a drivethrue bank? And might I myself add: Maybe it's for blind people that are passengers in RHD cars? Ok writting that last one I just thought that the blind person might be a passenger in a backseat, but I still think it's a bit weird.

Frank
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on November 29, 2006, 01:13:32 AM
A blonde woman was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note. "I have kidnapped your child. I am sorry to do this but I need the money. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park at 7 AM." Signed, "The Blonde".

She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed.

Inside the bag was the following note. "Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on November 29, 2006, 02:17:24 AM
HA HA!!!

Good to have you back, Happy !!!!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: fireflyr on November 29, 2006, 10:44:19 AM
Thanks Frank,
Got a good laugh out of that one---I too have wondered what the hell a blind person would be doing in the drive through at a bank!
As far as McDonalds goes though--they give their stuff such stupid names and descriptions that if I'm forced to eat there (damn seldom) I just look at a picture and order the associated number rather than lower myself by asking for a "McCrap burger" or whatever they call it!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on December 01, 2006, 06:18:29 AM
Did I post this one yet? (I am certainly not gonna go through 44 pages of jokes in this thread to find out....)
One of my favorites:


The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.

He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was
going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his
good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain
and as it was still early, decided go to the party.

Since her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she
would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when
she was not with him.

So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume,
cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he
could and copping a little feel here and a li ttle kiss there.
His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he
left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her.

She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.

After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear
and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate
intercourse in the back seat.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and
put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of
explanation he would make up for his outrageous behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had.

"Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

Then she asked,"Did you dance much?"

He replied, I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got
there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys,so we went into the
spare room and played poker all evening."

You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker
all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm.

To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to your
brother, apparently he had the time of his life.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: tundra_flier on December 01, 2006, 07:35:32 AM
Hmmm...last time he gave the costume to his father.  ;)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: tundra_flier on December 01, 2006, 07:38:04 AM
Thanks Frank,
Got a good laugh out of that one---I too have wondered what the hell a blind person would be doing in the drive through at a bank!
As far as McDonalds goes though--they give their stuff such stupid names and descriptions that if I'm forced to eat there (damn seldom) I just look at a picture and order the associated number rather than lower myself by asking for a "McCrap burger" or whatever they call it!

Hear you there, when I feel I have to eat at McDonalds I order the same way I do at Thai resturants,  "I'll have the number 8, with coke please".  Both places I feel I'd embarras myself reading the name off the menu, but for totally different reasons.   :-[

Phil
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on December 01, 2006, 07:46:52 AM
After a long night of passion, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.
"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.
He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.
"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.
"Oh well...That's me before the operation........"

a wonderful day to you all! :)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Baradium on December 01, 2006, 08:10:04 AM
<shudder>
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: SteepTurn on December 01, 2006, 01:32:25 PM
HOHOHO.........

A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says. "I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow*** there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free."

The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. "Where do you think you going?" the wife asks. "I'm coming with you...I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!"

 ;) ;) ;)

btw packing suitcase...
A husband comes home and says to his wife: "pack your siutcase, I won the lottery!" She replies: "Oh darling, that's great! Where are we going?" - "WE don't go anywhere, YOU go...."
 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: tundra_flier on December 02, 2006, 06:49:51 PM
After a long night of passion, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.
"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.
He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.
"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.
"Oh well...That's me before the operation........"

a wonderful day to you all! :)

Shudder - going to be hard to have a wonderful day now!  I think I need a shower.  :p
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Frank N. O. on December 05, 2006, 12:24:06 AM
Ok shifting gears, I just saw this at avweb and wanted to share it (both the joke and the site but I'm sure most here know the site).

Overheard while flying practice approaches at Sioux City, Iowa:
Tower: "Skylane Eight Seven Charlie, cleared for the approach; caution, waterfall in the area."

Short silence, presumably while the Skylane pilot questioned passengers on the transmission.

Skylane: "Eight Seven Charlie, say again?"

Tower: "Skylane Eight Seven Charlie, cleared for the approach; caution, waterfall in the area."

Again, short silence.

Skylane: "Ah, cleared for the approach, but what do you mean by the waterfall caution?"

Tower: "Waterfall, you know: Ducks and geese...Waterfoul."


That was a good one, and I for one never heard it before.
Seen just seconds before posting time at the right bottom corner of www.avweb.com

Frank
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: tundra_flier on December 05, 2006, 05:18:30 AM
Ok shifting gears, I just saw this at avweb and wanted to share it (both the joke and the site but I'm sure most here know the site).

Overheard while flying practice approaches at Sioux City, Iowa:
Tower: "Skylane Eight Seven Charlie, cleared for the approach; caution, waterfall in the area."

Short silence, presumably while the Skylane pilot questioned passengers on the transmission.

Skylane: "Eight Seven Charlie, say again?"

Tower: "Skylane Eight Seven Charlie, cleared for the approach; caution, waterfall in the area."

Again, short silence.

Skylane: "Ah, cleared for the approach, but what do you mean by the waterfall caution?"

Tower: "Waterfall, you know: Ducks and geese...Waterfoul."


That was a good one, and I for one never heard it before.
Seen just seconds before posting time at the right bottom corner of www.avweb.com

Frank

LOL, Good one!  wonder if that's why the ATIS here always says "caution - migratory birds in vicinity" instead of waterfoul?  Think someone in the tower heard this joke?  ;)

Phil
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Baradium on December 05, 2006, 06:36:04 AM


LOL, Good one!  wonder if that's why the ATIS here always says "caution - migratory birds in vicinity" instead of waterfoul?  Think someone in the tower heard this joke?  ;)

Phil

Don't forget the carribou!


Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on December 08, 2006, 09:29:38 PM
The simple joke:

Two guys are walking down the street....  I forget the punchline, but you're mom's a whore.


Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on December 08, 2006, 09:35:09 PM
Men's answer to Maxine

Men strike back!

Q: How many men does it take to open a beer?
A: None. It should be opened when she brings it
----------------------
Q: Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
A: Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

--------------------

Q: Why do women have smaller feet than men?
A: It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
---------------------
Q: How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
A: When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."

----------------------

Q: How do you fix a woman's watch?
A: You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

-----------------------

Q: Why do men fart more than women?
A: Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

------------------------

Q: If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
A: The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

-------------------------

Q: What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A: A woman who won't do what she's told
--------------------------

I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.

---------------------------

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
---------------------------

Q: Why do men die before their wives?
A: They want to.

---------------------------

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on December 08, 2006, 09:51:33 PM
Alabama Bird dogs (hyuck)!!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on December 08, 2006, 09:54:57 PM
Make sure you have the volume up for this one, it's kinda hard to hear

http://www.funnyjunk.com/movies/49/Relaxing+Car+Drive/
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on December 08, 2006, 09:56:22 PM
The Royal family, and gas
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: fireflyr on December 09, 2006, 06:41:15 AM
Make sure you have the volume up for this one, it's kinda hard to hear

http://www.funnyjunk.com/movies/49/Relaxing+Car+Drive/

"You're Moms a whore" and now this-------Son, you got toooooooooooo much time on your hands although I had to bust a gut on the first one (for ridiculous reasons)  ;D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on December 09, 2006, 03:26:56 PM
Make sure you have the volume up for this one, it's kinda hard to hear

http://www.funnyjunk.com/movies/49/Relaxing+Car+Drive/

"You're Moms a whore" and now this-------Son, you got toooooooooooo much time on your hands although I had to bust a gut on the first one (for ridiculous reasons)  ;D

As long as you got a laugh out of it, that's what counts :D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: fireflyr on December 10, 2006, 06:09:52 PM


For those who love the philosophy of hypocrisy and ambiguity. :-\
-----------------------------------------


Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.


One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.....

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.


I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?"  She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Is there another word for synonym?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?


If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?  (Somebody please explain THIS ONE to me) (I know there's a logical explanation, but it escapes me)

How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the  rest drown, too?

If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?

Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?
 
 
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: chuckar101 on December 10, 2006, 06:16:17 PM
Those are classic especially the Braille on the drive thru machines.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Frank N. O. on December 10, 2006, 07:54:07 PM
LOL those are greats, thanks for posting them  |:)\

Frank
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: switchtech on December 10, 2006, 10:46:01 PM
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?  (Somebody please explain THIS ONE to me) (I know there's a logical explanation, but it escapes me)

Here's a thought.  Imagine you build ATM machines.  You have the ones that people drive up to, and the ones in the walk up areas.  It's more expensive to make two different keypad types, so you have to design around one, slightly more complex keypad.  And thus you have braille keypads at drive up windows.

Of course, I'm just guessing about this.

So the question becomes, how are they going to make the "touch screen" ATM machines Blind person friendly?

jbs
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Firegirl on December 11, 2006, 01:53:02 AM

Before they invented the drawing board. . . what did they go back to?
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on December 11, 2006, 06:27:55 PM
If you choke a smurf, which color will it turn?
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: fireflyr on December 14, 2006, 08:07:32 PM
And here's one for you aspiring airline jocks       

http://pageperso.aol.fr/marcbrecy/deanmartin.html
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on December 14, 2006, 08:21:56 PM
the movie is veeeeeery funny! thanks for posting Fireflyr! |:)\

And here, a Jokes...about a blonde and a diet...

An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice.
The doctor advised that she run 10 miles a day for 30 days.
This, he promised, would help her lose as much as twenty pounds.

The blonde follows the doctor's advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she'd indeed lost twenty pounds.

She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results. At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question:

"How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?"
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on December 14, 2006, 08:25:52 PM
Cover Charge: $15.00
Round of Drinks: $23.00
Table Dance: $30.00
Another Round of Drinks: $23.00
Couch Dance and Tips: $50.00
A Round of Shots: $34.00
Another Round of Drinks: $23.00
Lap Dance and Hand Job: $100.00
Private Dance and Hotel Room: $500.00
Sending her on her way without having to cuddle or listen to her:
..................PRICELESS  ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on December 14, 2006, 08:29:00 PM
An English teacher was explaining to his students the concept of gender association in the English language.

He stated how hurricanes at one time were given feminine names and how ships and planes were usually referred to as "she". One of the students raised their hand and asked - "What gender is a computer"?

The teacher wasn't certain which it was, so he divided the class into two groups, males in one, females in the other, and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation. The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.............................

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on December 14, 2006, 09:49:15 PM
If Santa answered his mail honestly...

Dear Santa I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all
yeer. Yer Frend, BiLLy

Dear Billy, Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in
lawn care. How about I send you a f****ng book so you can learn to read and write?
I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!
Santa

Dear Santa, I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody! Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah, Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
 Santa


Dear Santa, I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas,
I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love,Teddy

Dear Teddy, Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a
screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to
your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream.
Let me get you some nice Legos instead.
Santa

Dear Santa, I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a
drum kit, a pony and a tuba. Love, Francis

Dear Francis, Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay.
Santa

Dear Santa, I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots
for your reindeer outside the back door. Love, Susan

Dear Susan, Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer
fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favour?
Leave me a bottle of scotch. Santa

Dear Santa, What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys? Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas, All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I
spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself
silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing
money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.
Santa

Dear Santa, Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're
awake, like in the song? Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica, Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house. Santa

Dear Santa, I really really want a puppy this year. Please
please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one? Timmy

Timmy, That whiney begging s**t may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't
work with me. You're getting a sweater again.
Santa

Dearest Santa, We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you
get into our home? Love, Marky

Mark, First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass
whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do,
through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams, Santa
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on December 15, 2006, 02:47:21 PM


For those who love the philosophy of hypocrisy and ambiguity. :-\
-----------------------------------------


Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.


One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.....

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.


I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?"  She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Is there another word for synonym?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?


If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?  (Somebody please explain THIS ONE to me) (I know there's a logical explanation, but it escapes me)

How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the  rest drown, too?

If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?

Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?
 
 


If it's called "Final Fantasy", why do they keep making more of them?
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on December 17, 2006, 09:15:28 AM
Mates, I cannot remember if I've already posted it, but it's too funny.
Enjoy!

---------------------

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome, Italy. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect.

At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket she was handing him to gather some snails.
Very grudgingly he agreed.

He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself "Wouldn't it be great if she
would even just come down and talk to me." He went back to gathering the snails.

All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They got to talking, and she invited him back to her place. They were at her apartment a ways down the beach, and they started messing around. It got so hot and heavy, that he was exhausted afterwards and passed out there.

At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no - My wife's dinner party!!!"
He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails.

There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time.

He looked at the snails on the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said -
"Come on guys, we're almost there!"
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on December 18, 2006, 03:40:11 AM
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on December 18, 2006, 04:14:48 AM
A couple of funny links!

http://www.funnyjunk.com/movies/444/Attack+Chopper/    What are they going to use this for?!?!?!?

http://www.funnyjunk.com/movies/442/Chopper+Pulls+Boat/   I think someone is going to lose their job!!

http://www.funnyjunk.com/funny_pictures/1216/Cat+Hitler/   Maybe we do come back in some other form

http://www.funnyjunk.com/funny_pictures/859/Duck+Mother/   Awwwwww. Garsh

http://www.funnyjunk.com/funny_pictures/418/Ebay+Blunder/   Look closley!

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: SteepTurn on December 29, 2006, 08:46:42 AM
two nice links with english traductions of cinese menus...

 ::rambo::http://www.rahoi.com/2006/03/may-i-take-your-order.php ::banghead::

 ::cowboy::http://community.livejournal.com/engrish/164141.html ::cowboy::

toooooooooooooooooooo funny!!!!! ;D ;D

btw: HAPPY NEW YEAR TO EVERYONE
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Frank N. O. on December 29, 2006, 09:15:32 AM
Oh man, we're nearing 50 pages and great stuff still comes, although I have seen that ebay blunder before at least.

I sincerely hope a friendly soul helped to correct those translations, but dude they were funny (no disrespect intended).

Not sure if I posted these jokes before but here goes:

TOWER: PH-ABC, check you have the gear down?
PILOT: Sir, it has been down since this aircraft was built.


PILOT : Tower,request permission to enter zone XY.
TOWER : Negative!
PILOT : Did you say negative ?
TOWER : Affirmative
PILOT : Understood affirmative.I will call you leaving the zone.


TOWER : Say fuelstate.
PILOT : fuelstate.
TOWER : Say again.
PILOT : again.
TOWER : Arghl,give me your fuel!!
PILOT : Sorry, need it by myself.....


Frank

P.S. That new Garfield avatar is awesome! Snoopy btw has had a cameo in another Garfield strip. And Snoopy and Woodstock are starring in a new cartoon aircombat game.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on December 29, 2006, 11:00:00 PM
I hope I've not posted it yet......

-------------------------BLONDES and JIGSAWS
A man gets a call from his very (very..) blonde girlfriend.
"I've got a problem, sweetheart".
"What's the matter, honey?" asks the man.
"Well, I bought this jigsaw puzzle, but it's too hard. None of the pieces fit together and I can't find any edges."
"What's the picture of?".
"It's of a big rooster".
"All right," says the man. "my dear. tonight, after work, as soon as I come home I will help you with the puzzle..."
At evening, he arrives home, greets his girlfriend and ask her about the puzzle.  She leads him into her kitchen and shows him the jigsaw puzzle on the kitchen table.
He stares at the box, stares at the pieces on the table and turns to her and says, "For heaven's sake, Sweety, put the cornflakes back in the box...."

-------------------------------
No wonder today I changed my hair colour!!!  ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on December 29, 2006, 11:10:08 PM

Airplanes can be turned off when you don't wish to fly.
An airplane doesn't "let down" before it's time.
With an airplane, size matters.
Airplanes can be overhauled when the engine sputters.
Airplanes don't come with drinking buddies.
Airplanes eventually stop whining.
Airplanes know what a final approach is.
Airplanes don't mind if you position and hold.
In an airplane a soft field landing isn't a disappointment.
Airplanes don't mind if you'd rather just cuddle.

 ::rofl:: ::) :o :D ;D :) ;) ;D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on December 29, 2006, 11:14:37 PM
Top Ten Signs that You're an Aviation Addict

10. You speed dial ATIS
9.  You whine and fret on every nice day that you're not up in the
    air (instrument students and pilots add low cloudy days)
8.  You whine and fret every day that the wx is too bad for flying
7.  You get DUATS or a wx briefing on days you can't fly, just to
    see if the wx is really as nice for flying as it looks
6.  You get DUATS or a wx briefing on days with awful wx, just to
    assure yourself that the wx really would be too bad to fly
5.  You learn mental methods for flight planning, and spend boring
    meetings planning flying trips
4.  You calculate every expenditure in terms of flight hours (50
    cents at the candy machine every day that's 0.01 flight hours!
3. Your girlfriend is made of aluminum and her name starts with an 'N'.
2. You get in your car and find that it drives itself the the airport.
1. You become an instructor so you can be paid to go for airplane rides!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on December 29, 2006, 11:28:39 PM
Rules that Guys Wished Girls Knew.

1. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Do not ask us. We refuse to answer.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down.
3. Do not cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then, you are stuck with her.
4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to; expect an answer you do not want to hear.
6. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
7. Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.
8. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
9. Shopping is not a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that way.
10. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
11. You have enough clothes.
12. You have too many shoes.
13. Crying is blackmail.
14. Your ex-boyfriend is an idiot.
15. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it!
16. No, we do not know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
17. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult. We are bound to miss sometimes.
18. Most guys own three pairs of shoes-what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
19. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
20. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That is what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
22. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
23. Check your oil.
24. Do not fake it. We would rather be ineffective than deceived.
25. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.
26. No, it does not matter which quiz.
27. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
28. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
29. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
30. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it is genetic.
31. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
32. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done-not both.
33. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
34. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
35. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
36. More women should wear Wonderbras and low-cut blouses. We like staring at boobs.
37. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.
38. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like windows default settings. Peach is a fruit, not a color.
39. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
40. If it itches, it will be scratched.
41. Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
42. If it is OUR house, I do not understand why MY stuff gets thrown in the closet/attic/basement.
43. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
44. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
45. If we hear from an old girlfriend, we will briefly fantasize about having sex with her. But do not worry; the fantasy includes you AND her, together.
46. What the hell is a doily?

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on December 30, 2006, 12:19:00 AM
Rules that Guys Wished Girls Knew.





HEAR HEAR!!! (Thunderous applause). See why can't more girls be like you?!?!?!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Turbomallard on December 30, 2006, 01:28:14 AM
Top Ten Signs that You're an Aviation Addict

13. You become an instructor so you can be paid to go for airplane rides!

GUILTY!!!!!!!!!!!

TM
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on December 30, 2006, 01:48:45 AM
Here are a few good ones!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vyGGcPGywxo  They don't play this one on TV anymore. I wonder why? ::thinking::

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_izGDKHAspQ&search=deputy%20droopy%20tex%20avery%20cartoon

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N8H8YC6IyEI&search=deputy%20droopy%20tex%20avery%20cartoon

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: chuckar101 on December 30, 2006, 05:32:23 AM
I agree with flyboy on what girls should know.  Hell there should be a class somewhere that teaches that.  Would make life so much easier ::angel::.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on December 30, 2006, 08:35:11 AM
HEAR HEAR!!! (Thunderous applause). See why can't more girls be like you?!?!?!

Haha! they just did not receive that kind of education! :) I will - by the way - forward the message, so that more would know!  ::rofl:: ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Baradium on December 30, 2006, 09:59:25 AM
what's muave?

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Frank N. O. on December 30, 2006, 10:30:14 AM
34. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
LOL that argument kind of backfires doesn't it?  ::rofl::
I must say that I agree with a great Hagar the Horrible comic strip:
Hagar at the bar: Women are a mystery.
The patron next to Hagar stands up and with a goofy smile exclaims: I like mysteries! ;D

LOL too at the Car of the Future catroon, I especially thought the boldly looking feminine car was great, and it's introduction  ::rofl::

Frank
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on December 30, 2006, 12:02:08 PM
what's muave?



Actually I cannot answer what mauve is. See rule 38.  ::angel:: ::angel::

But, jokes apart, even if I had to reply seriously, I would not have a specific idea. I also see 16 colours, the tones among them, I call them the same way as the basic. So, I’ve no idea about what mahogany is, and neither amaranth and mauve, and peach, I still think you need a PhD in that field to sort them out. No wonders that once I went to the hairdresser and told him the colour I thought was the one I wanted and I came out with another one. When I told him it was not the one I had searched for, he looked for the echantillons and when I pointed the one I had thought about, he said: “well, but that was not blonde grain, it was blond honey!”. Ohhh. Echk.  ::unbelieveable::  Never thought that honey could be a colour too. ::banghead::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on December 30, 2006, 12:03:40 PM
34. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
LOL that argument kind of backfires doesn't it?  ::rofl::

Really good observation Frank!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on December 30, 2006, 03:44:58 PM
HEAR HEAR!!! (Thunderous applause). See why can't more girls be like you?!?!?!

Haha! they just did not receive that kind of education! :) I will - by the way - forward the message, so that more would know!  ::rofl:: ::rofl::

I put it on my MYSPACE page, and forwarded it!!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Zaffex on December 30, 2006, 06:55:39 PM
What Chuck says to Julio:

"The difference between you and me is that you see the gas tank as half-empty, but I see the gas tank as half-full!"
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on December 30, 2006, 10:28:12 PM
You know you are a pilot when..............

1. You turn on your car radio and expect to hear the ATIS.
2. Before you start your car, you reach for your checklist.
3. When you start going downhill in your car, you check the dash for the Attitude Indicator.
4. When the road is long and straight, you are tempted to drive the centerline.
5. When your normal talking voice starts sounding like an air traffic controller.
6. When you start looking for the lean knob on your car's instrument panel.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on December 30, 2006, 10:41:36 PM
34. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
LOL that argument kind of backfires doesn't it?  ::rofl::

And....following your observation.........

Why does it take one million spermatozoon to fertilize one egg???
...........................they do NOT stop to ask direction........
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on December 30, 2006, 10:48:43 PM
ARN851:  "Halifax Terminal, Nova 851 with you out of 13,000 for 10,000, requesting runway 15."
Halifax Terminal (female): "Nova 851 Halifax, the last time I gave a pilot what he wanted I was on penicillin for three weeks. Expect runway 06."

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: AirtransRecon on December 31, 2006, 02:15:39 AM
Quote
4. When the road is long and straight, you are tempted to drive the centerline.

Tempted more often than I like to admit.

KW
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on December 31, 2006, 12:00:15 PM
What Chuck says to Julio:

"The difference between you and me is that you see the gas tank as half-empty, but I see the gas tank as half-full!"

HA HA !!  ::rofl::
I just found this one! That's great!
I am sure we can use this somewhere......
Thanks man!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Zaffex on December 31, 2006, 05:06:23 PM
My pleasure, glad you liked it. :)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on January 01, 2007, 10:23:40 PM
Aviation and a dictionary
Enjoy! :) :)

180-Degree Turn - A sometimes difficult maneuver to perform; the degree of difficulty is usually determined by the size of the pilot's ego.
A & P Rating - Enables you to fly grocery supplies.
Aero - That portion of the atmosphere that lies over Great Britain.
Aerodrome - British word for airport. Exactly what you'd expect from a country that gives its airplanes names like Gypsy Moth, Slingsby Dart, and Fairey Battle Bomber.
Aileron - A hinged control surface on the wing that scares the hell out of airline passengers when it moves.
Airfoils - Swords used for dueling in flight. Often used to settle disputes between crew members and passengers.
Airplane - The infernal machine invented by two bicycle mechanics from Dayton, Ohio and perfected on the sands of the Outer Banks of Kitty Hawk, North Carolina. Precursor of the Frisbee.
Airspeed - 1. The speed of an airplane through the air. 2. True airspeed plus 20% when talking with other pilots. Deduct 25% when listening to an Air Force Pilot. 3. Measured in furlongs-per-fortnight in student aircraft.
Air Traffic Control Center - A drafty, ill-kept, barn-like structure in which people congregate for dubious reasons.
Alternate Airport - The airport that no aircraft has sufficient fuel to proceed to if necessary.
Bail Out - Dipping the water out of the cabin after a heavy rainstorm.
Barrel Roll - Unloading the beer for a hangar party.
Caging the Gyro - Not too difficult with domestic species.
Carburetor Ice - Phrase used when reporting a forced landing caused by running out of fuel.
Cessna 310 - More than the sum of two Cessna 150's.
Chart - 1. Large piece of paper, useful for protecting cockpit surfaces from  food and beverage stains. 2. An aeronautical map that provides interesting patterns for the manufacturers of children's curtains.
Chock - 1. Sudden and usually unpleasant surprise suffered by Mexican pilots. 2. Piece of wood the line boy slips in front of wheel while pilot is not looking.
Cockpit - 1. A confined space in which two chickens fight each other, especially when they can't find the airport in a rainstorm. 2. Area in which the pilot sits while attempting to figure out where he is.
Collision - Unplanned contact between one aircraft and another. As a rule, collisions that result in the creation of several smaller and less airworthy aircraft from the original two are thought to be the most serious.
De-icer - De person dat puts de ice on de wing.
Dive - Pilots' lounge or airport caf�.
Engine Failure - A condition that occurs when all fuel tanks become filled with air.
Exceptional Flying Ability - Has equal number of takeoffs and landings.
Fast - Describes the speed of any high-performance aircraft. Lower-performance and training aircraft are described as "half-fast."
Final Approach - 1. Many a seasoned pilot's last landing. 2. Many a student pilot's first landing.
Flashlight - Tubular metal container kept in flight bag for storing dead batteries.
Flight Instructor - Individual of dubious reputation, paid vast sums of money to impart knowledge of questionable value and cast serious doubt on the coordination, intelligence, and ancestry of student pilots.
Flight Plan - Scheme to get away from home to go flying.
Glider - Formerly "airplane," prior to running out of fuel.
Gross Weight - 1. A 350-pound pilot (also see "Split S"). 2. Maximum permissible takeoff weight plus two suitcases, 10 cans of oil, four sleeping bags, four rifles, eight cases of beer, and the groceries.
Hangar - Home for anything that flies, mostly birds.
Heated Air Mass - Usually found near hangar, flight lounge, airport cafe, or attractive, non-flying members of the opposite sex.
Jet-assisted Takeoff - A rapid-takeoff procedure used by a general aviation pilot who suddenly finds himself taking off on a runway directly in front of a departing 747.
Junkers 52 - A collection of elderly airplanes that even the FAA can't make airworthy.
Lazy 8 - 1. Well-known fly-in resort ranch. 2. The airport operator, his four mechanics, and three lineboys.
Log - A small rectangular notebook used by pilots to record lies.
Motor - A word used by Englishmen and student pilots when referring to an aircraft engine. (also see "Aerodrome")
Navigation - The process by which a pilot finds his way from point A to point B while actually trying to get to point C.
Occupied - An airline term for lavatory.
Oshkosh - A town in Wisconsin that is the site of the annual Experimental Aircraft Association fly-in. It is believed to have been named after the sound that most experimental aircraft engines make.
Pilot - A poor, misguided soul who talks about women when he's flying and flying when he's with a woman.
Pitch - The story you give your wife about needing an airplane to use in your business.
Radar - An extremely realistic type of video game, often found at airports. Players try to send small game-pieces, called "blips," from one side of the screen to the other without colliding with each other. Player with the fewest collisions wins.
Roger - The most popular name in radio.
S-turn - Course flown by student pilot from point A to point B.
Short-field Takeoff - A takeoff from any field less than 10,000 feet long.
Split S - What happens to the pants of overweight pilots (also see "Gross Weight").
Trim Tab - 1. A device that can fly an airplane better than the pilot. 2. Popular diet beverage for fat pilots (also see "Gross Weight").
Useful Load - Volumetric capacity of the aircraft, without regard to cargo weight.
Wilco - Roger's brother, the nerd.
Wing strut - Peculiar, ritualistic walk performed by student pilots upon getting out of low-winged trainers following first flight performed without instructor yelling at them. Usually results in instructor yelling at them.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Frank N. O. on January 01, 2007, 10:39:09 PM
Hehe, classics, now gathered in a great list, thanks :)

Reminds me of this one from Plane&Pilot magazine:
Landing Strip: What you do with your clothes after touching down in Phoenix.
Circle to Land: What a dog does before it lies down.
Missed Approach: Leaving the FBO Christmas party alone.


I wonder if there are any jokes about pilotes one can make for women since most of them are speficically referring to male pilots, for instance:
What does a pilot use for birthcontrol? His personality!
The later half of the pilot definition you wrote above might be true to women too, do you talk about flying when you're hanging out with your girlfriends?

Frank
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on January 01, 2007, 11:13:12 PM

The later half of the pilot definition you wrote above might be true to women too, do you talk about flying when you're hanging out with your girlfriends?
Frank

I almost never talk about it, since nobody, among my female friends, is interested.
But....now I see why they, on the contrary, keep telling the males. I'd never understood........

What does a pilot use for birthcontrol? His personality!

 ::banghead:: ::banghead:: ::banghead:: ::banghead:: ::banghead:: ::banghead:: ::banghead:: ::banghead::
 ;D ;) :D :)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Baradium on January 01, 2007, 11:29:25 PM

I almost never talk about it, since nobody, among my female friends, is interested.
But....now I see why they, on the contrary, keep telling the males. I'd never understood........

You lost me here,   they tell the males you'd never understand?   What?

Quote
What does a pilot use for birthcontrol? His personality!

 ::banghead:: ::banghead:: ::banghead:: ::banghead:: ::banghead:: ::banghead:: ::banghead:: ::banghead::
 ;D ;) :D :)

 :-\
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: tundra_flier on January 03, 2007, 07:35:19 AM
You know you are a pilot when..............

1. You turn on your car radio and expect to hear the ATIS.
2. Before you start your car, you reach for your checklist.
3. When you start going downhill in your car, you check the dash for the Attitude Indicator.
4. When the road is long and straight, you are tempted to drive the centerline.
5. When your normal talking voice starts sounding like an air traffic controller.
6. When you start looking for the lean knob on your car's instrument panel.

7.  You accelerate into right turns and slow down into left ones.  :D (actually caught myself doing this after an intense week of flight training).
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: tundra_flier on January 03, 2007, 07:43:59 AM
Quote
Flight Plan - Scheme to get away from home to go flying.

Very similar to the "Low Altitude sickness"  Something I frequently suffer from on sunny summer days.  The only treatment is spending time AGL.  ;)


Quote
Gross Weight - 1. A 350-pound pilot (also see "Split S"). 2. Maximum permissible takeoff weight plus two suitcases, 10 cans of oil, four sleeping bags, four rifles, eight cases of beer, and the groceries. 

2. is the normal operating state for most Super Cubs in Alaska.  ::loony::


Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on January 03, 2007, 12:52:28 PM
You lost me here,   they tell the males you'd never understand?   What?

It was quite subtile and the meaning probably went lost in translation!
I meant: my female friends usually introduce me by adding to any sentence...."oh, she is pilot, too".
Now I see why. Even if they are not interested in flying, they use my...personality to take me out of any game!
:)  ;D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on January 03, 2007, 01:14:05 PM
Flight Plan - Scheme to get away from home to go flying.
Very similar to the "Low Altitude sickness"  Something I frequently suffer from on sunny summer days.  The only treatment is spending time AGL.  ;)

Ohoh, I was not told about it in the old time of theory, along with aeronautical medicine, but I completely agree about the existence of such a disease! that was lovely!  |:)\ |:)\
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on January 03, 2007, 01:46:14 PM
Approach: Beech 998, you're showing two thousand feet and intermittent Mode C. Say altitude.

Beech 998: Beech 998 is intermittently at two thousand feet.


----------------


Pilot coming in with his buddy who had never flown before:
Pilot: This is 1234 Delta five miles north for landing with Mike.
The tower clears him and he lands. When they shut down, the passenger, whosename is Mike, says, "Why'd you have to tell them that I was with you?"

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on January 04, 2007, 11:11:58 AM
A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big burly man, tossed his pants to his bride and said, "here put these on." She put them on, and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants," she said. "That's right!!" said the husband, "and don't you forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family!" With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. He said, "Hell, I can't get into your panties!" She said, "That's right, and that's the way it's going to be until you change your attitude......"
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on January 04, 2007, 11:25:35 AM
A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled upon an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said "OK. OK. You released me from the lamp, blah, blah, blah. This is the 4th time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish! The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?" The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete . . how much steel!! No, think of another wish!" The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish.

Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women . . . know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment . . .know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say, 'nothing' . . . know how to make them truly happy . . ." The genie said, "You want that bridge with two lanes or four?
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Baradium on January 04, 2007, 12:21:12 PM
50 pages!


I've got a few stories in the past few weeks, but been debating about consequences if the people in the stories were to get on here and recognize the event in question.  ;)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: AirtransRecon on January 04, 2007, 01:13:17 PM
Change the names and if they ask, deny everything.  8)

KW
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Baradium on January 04, 2007, 01:24:27 PM
Change the names and if they ask, deny everything.  8)

KW

You do realize how small this company is, right?    ;)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: digits on January 05, 2007, 08:55:04 PM
Something i sent to my flight instructor because his girlfriend was pregnant:


May your son be
as beautiful as a Gulfstream,
as smart as an F-16,
as strong as a C-130,
as quick as a Mig 29,

and for mother's sake, may its delivery be a little faster than that of the A380.


greetings,
digits
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Frank N. O. on January 05, 2007, 09:11:26 PM
LOL that's a great one, welcome digits  ::wave::

Frank
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: fireflyr on January 06, 2007, 03:34:51 AM
Change the names and if they ask, deny everything.  8)

KW

You do realize how small this company is, right?    ;)
With a small company you just have to be a better liar :-\
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on January 06, 2007, 09:52:27 AM
I cannot remember if I posted it already........

Dad's jealous.....10 Simple Rules For Dating My Daughter

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

BTW, @ digits, your wish card is too funny. great creativity!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Baradium on January 06, 2007, 10:31:30 AM
You do realize how small this company is, right?    ;)
With a small company you just have to be a better liar :-\

Hahahah!

I'll come up with something tomorrow after a little sleep... and hopefully after I can manage to get my truck to start!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: fireflyr on January 06, 2007, 04:41:59 PM
Thanks for the "rules" Happy!
As an attentive father, I felt like invoking several of those rules when my daughter dating ::rambo::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on January 06, 2007, 05:34:45 PM
Thanks for the "rules" Happy!
As an attentive father, I felt like invoking several of those rules when my daughter dating ::rambo::

Ohoh, my pleasure Fireflyr....you know they are also drawn from my experience!! and weren't it enough, I also have an incredibly jealous brother!!  ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Frank N. O. on January 06, 2007, 08:43:28 PM
See that's one of the main reasons I don't date! (Although the women I like are usually capable enough to take care of themselves anyway and I'm as harmless as a puppy).

Now here's something that seems to be made by a skydiver that's cruisin' for a bruisin' with pilots :D (personally I'm not that fond of seeing a wrecked plane used for a billboard like that, it's sad and kind of scary)
http://www.airliners.net/open.file/0862637/L/

Frank
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: fireflyr on January 06, 2007, 08:57:39 PM
HAAAHAHA---That's GOOD Frank---helluva good billboard for skydivers ::rofl::

Darn, looks like I just hit 1,000 posts----HMMMM, maybe I've got too much goof off time! :-\
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Frank N. O. on January 06, 2007, 09:17:57 PM
There's no such thing as too much goof off time as long as the important things are done  ::wave::

Frank
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on January 06, 2007, 10:49:30 PM
HAAAHAHA---That's GOOD Frank---helluva good billboard for skydivers ::rofl::

Darn, looks like I just hit 1,000 posts----HMMMM, maybe I've got too much goof off time! :-\

a good excuse to open a bottle of gewurzstraminer, don't you think fireflyr?!?  ;)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on January 07, 2007, 12:39:41 AM
A few months after his parents were divorced, Little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"  ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on January 07, 2007, 12:45:43 AM
Anagrams

Dormitory .................................. Dirty Room
Evangelist................................. Evil's Agent
Desperation.............................. A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code..................... Here Come Dots
Slot Machines......................... Cash Lost in 'em
Animosity................................ Is No Amity
Mother-in-law..........................Woman Hitler
Snooze Alarms........................ Alas! No More Z's
Alec Guinness......................... Genuine Class
Semolina................................... Is No Meal
The Public Art Galleries......... Large Picture Halls, I Bet
A Decimal Point...................... I'm a Dot in Place
The Earthquakes.................... That Queer Shake
Eleven plus two..................... Twelve plus one
Contradiction......................... Accord not in it
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: fireflyr on January 07, 2007, 05:07:33 AM
HAAAHAHA---That's GOOD Frank---helluva good billboard for skydivers ::rofl::

Darn, looks like I just hit 1,000 posts----HMMMM, maybe I've got too much goof off time! :-\

a good excuse to open a bottle of gewurzstraminer, don't you think fireflyr?!?  ;)
All I have is some Chardonnay---oh well, it'll work ::drinking:: ::sleep::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on January 07, 2007, 04:39:33 PM
Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers



Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

**************************************************************************************************
Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

****************************************************************************************************
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

****************************************************************************************************
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the little Fokker in sight."

******************************************************************************************************

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

*****************************************************************************************************

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

****************************************************************************************************** 

A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): " Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany . Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"


*******************************************************************************************************

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

********************************************************************************************************

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

*******************************************************************************************************

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."

******************************************************************************************************

While taxiing at London 's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?




Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on January 07, 2007, 10:05:15 PM
Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two extra things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating. "It's a very handy thing," God told the couple, who he found under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability.

Adam jumped up and blurted, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems a sort of thing a man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. It'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let it fly. It'd be so cool. I could write my name in the sand. Oh please God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please......" On and on he went like an excited little boy who had to pee. Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted that so badly, that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, and she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given this ability. And so Adam was given the ability to control the direction of his misdirection while in a vertical position. And so, he was happy and did celebrate by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him, laughing with delight all the while. And it was good.

Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of leftover gifts. What's left here? Oh yes...............multiple orgasms....."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on January 08, 2007, 09:32:37 AM
See that's one of the main reasons I don't date! (Although the women I like are usually capable enough to take care of themselves anyway and I'm as harmless as a puppy).

Now here's something that seems to be made by a skydiver that's cruisin' for a bruisin' with pilots :D (personally I'm not that fond of seeing a wrecked plane used for a billboard like that, it's sad and kind of scary)
http://www.airliners.net/open.file/0862637/L/

Frank

HA HA! This is great!
Almost looks like a CW cartoon !!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on January 08, 2007, 05:30:53 PM
37 Reasons It's Great To Be A Man
1. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
2. Your orgasms are real. Always.
3. Your last name stays put.
4. The garage is all yours.
5. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
6. You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
7. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
8. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
9. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
10. Same work .. more pay.
11. Wrinkles-add character.
12. You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
13. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
14. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
15. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
16. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
17. One mood, ALL the damn time.
18. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds.
19. A five-day vacation requires only 1 suitcase.
20. You can open all your own jars.
21. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
22. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
23. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
24. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
25. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
26. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking "He must be mad at me."
27. No maxi-pads.
28. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.
29. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
30. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
31. You are unable to see wrinkles in clothes.
32. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
33. Your belly usually hides your big hips.
34. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
35. You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
36. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in minutes.
37. The world is your urinal.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: digits on January 08, 2007, 07:25:01 PM
25. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

i only have/need one :D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Frank N. O. on January 08, 2007, 11:06:10 PM
Happy:  ::rofl:: But are there only anti-female jokes like that out there?

3: I like my name but not many people can pronounce Oreskov correctly in english, and probably fewer people understand it's not polish/russian but a danish forrest name so I wouldn't mind taking my wife's last name, unless it was Stein of course. Frank N. Stein, hmm, actually maybe I'd like that (when I went to public school in the first and second grade that was my teasing name btw, Frankenstein).
7: No longer true, at least not until they notice you're a carexpert (personal experience, observed by my mom at least).
18: Not if my older brother Michael is at the other end!  ::rofl::
22: Actually I think I pay less than that.
23: Not necessarily true, your mother might very well notice and start pushing you to get a wife.
24: Not if I don't trust the driver I can't.
25: I only have two, a pair of sneakers and some nice leather shoes I've only worn a couple of times, one of them being my student graduation.
31: No I'm not, but I don't care about wrinkles since they're unavoidable :D
32: That's true, I've had a simple parden to the left for 15-20 years, although I've started to get highlights in them, however they are from mother nature so it's not really my own doing :D
33: You must mean divert focus from the hips since to my knowlege hips are on the side and a belly is in front.
35: Uhm, nope.
37: See above.

Frank
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: fireflyr on January 09, 2007, 04:30:43 PM
Happy, most males (me included) are so oblivious to reality, we think your male-bashing is actually complimentary ;D ::rofl::


Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on January 09, 2007, 05:00:53 PM
Happy:  ::rofl:: But are there only anti-female jokes like that out there?
Frank

No idea, Frank, if a similar exists. but when it happened to me to read the last one, I found it too funny not to post in here. btw, for fairness, I will look for the "why it is gorgeous to be a woman"!

Fireflyr: what do you mean by bashing?!?!?
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on January 10, 2007, 07:14:27 AM
A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY.The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains" I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500!." Figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references.He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail. Afterover an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on January 10, 2007, 07:16:16 AM
A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking! A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.

The moral of the story:

If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on January 10, 2007, 07:20:02 AM
An sad, old man sitting was sitting on a park bench when along came a police officer. The officer asked the old man why he was so upset.

The old man replied, "Every morning I wake up with a wonderful 20 year old blonde. She cooks great meals including sausage, and bacon and everything I love. Then we make passionate love in bed. Afterwards, she gives me a bath, with handdrawn hot water, cooks me lunch and followed by more passionate love. In the evening, we'll have top the day off with a fantastic diner and yet more wonderful love.

The police officer gets a puzzled look on his face and asks, "Well, what seems to be the problem?"

The old man replied with a sad look on his face, "I can't remember where I live!"
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: fireflyr on January 10, 2007, 03:03:49 PM
Speaking of lawyers,
The post office just issued a new series of stamps featuring lawyers pictures but had to recall them because people couldn't figure out which side to spit on ::rofl::

Happy---"bashing"=insulting   ::rambo::

I know--it's all in good fun ;D ;D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Frank N. O. on January 10, 2007, 04:23:05 PM
I had to reread that first joke with the blonde and the lawyer a couple of times from start to finish to get it but then it hit me, and that was awesome!!! At first I thought it was a joke about lawyers being even dumber than the stereotypical blonde, but I see this one as confirming that there are indeed intelligent blondes! I'm gonna send this to my best friend Chey (who's a blonde with a university degree), she's going to love it, like she did when I posted the hair colouring experiment thread :D  ::rofl::

The 3rd joke, like Jim's stamp joke was a classic, but I'm happy that 2nd joke isn't true for all chicks, or at least I hope not. Btw, the danish equivalent word for a chick (as in a woman you want to date) is "sild" and that's the danish word for a herring (fish)  ::rofl::

Btw, here's a practical joke I came up with a few days ago, have anyone done this already?

You're flying a small plane and you get some passengers who don't know you, maybe a taxiflight or something. When you're all in the plane and you're going to start the preperations for starting the plane and flight then you turn around and ask the passengers on the back seat to hand you the book on the backseat (which you conveniently put there before the passengers came) and that book's cover will read: Flying an Aircraft For Dummies - Moron Edition! (the cover designed to look like the real books in the series). To make the joke even better then make it as a small pamflet to really indicate how inadequate the book is to help  ::rofl:: ::rofl::
This is similar to the joke with one of the pilots from the tv-series Wings sat in the passengerseat with the passengers comming aboard, and then folding down his newspaper and pretending to be a passenger that didn't want to wait any longer and was about to fly the plane himself  ::rofl::
There's of course also the Chuck joke with him saying it's also his first time flying a helicopter for some very uneasy passengers  ::rofl::
NOTE: I would make sure the passengers weren't afraid of flying, unlike Chuck, so they wouldn't get too scared when they saw the book.

Frank
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on January 10, 2007, 09:00:14 PM
Speaking of lawyers,
The post office just issued a new series of stamps featuring lawyers pictures but had to recall them because people couldn't figure out which side to spit on ::rofl::

Happy---"bashing"=insulting   ::rambo::

I know--it's all in good fun ;D ;D

hoho! no insults meant! :)
I am part one of those women who would never enjoy living without men (also when telling jokes!) :)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: fireflyr on January 11, 2007, 02:43:25 AM
Speaking of lawyers,
The post office just issued a new series of stamps featuring lawyers pictures but had to recall them because people couldn't figure out which side to spit on ::rofl::

Happy---"bashing"=insulting   ::rambo::

I know--it's all in good fun ;D ;D

hoho! no insults meant! :)
I am part one of those women who would never enjoy living without men (also when telling jokes!) :)

HOHOHO yourself---I am loving it ::bow::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: tundra_flier on January 11, 2007, 04:12:16 AM
I had to reread that first joke with the blonde and the lawyer a couple of times from start to finish to get it but then it hit me, and that was awesome!!! At first I thought it was a joke about lawyers being even dumber than the stereotypical blonde, but I see this one as confirming that there are indeed intelligent blondes! I'm gonna send this to my best friend Chey (who's a blonde with a university degree), she's going to love it, like she did when I posted the hair colouring experiment thread :D  ::rofl::

The 3rd joke, like Jim's stamp joke was a classic, but I'm happy that 2nd joke isn't true for all chicks, or at least I hope not. Btw, the danish equivalent word for a chick (as in a woman you want to date) is "sild" and that's the danish word for a herring (fish)  ::rofl::

Btw, here's a practical joke I came up with a few days ago, have anyone done this already?

You're flying a small plane and you get some passengers who don't know you, maybe a taxiflight or something. When you're all in the plane and you're going to start the preperations for starting the plane and flight then you turn around and ask the passengers on the back seat to hand you the book on the backseat (which you conveniently put there before the passengers came) and that book's cover will read: Flying an Aircraft For Dummies - Moron Edition! (the cover designed to look like the real books in the series). To make the joke even better then make it as a small pamflet to really indicate how inadequate the book is to help  ::rofl:: ::rofl::
This is similar to the joke with one of the pilots from the tv-series Wings sat in the passengerseat with the passengers comming aboard, and then folding down his newspaper and pretending to be a passenger that didn't want to wait any longer and was about to fly the plane himself  ::rofl::
There's of course also the Chuck joke with him saying it's also his first time flying a helicopter for some very uneasy passengers  ::rofl::
NOTE: I would make sure the passengers weren't afraid of flying, unlike Chuck, so they wouldn't get too scared when they saw the book.

Frank

Frank
I actually know a pilot up here who did that.  He showed up the same time as his passengers, so took a seat in the passenger compartment.  He waited a bit, chatting with a couple other passengers, complaining about the late pilot.  Finally, he announced "Heck, I'll bet I can fly this thing!" and crawled up into the cockpit.   ::cowboy::

Phil
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Frank N. O. on January 11, 2007, 11:14:51 AM
Phil:  ::rofl:: I so wish I could've seen their faces. I take it that he didn't need to wear a pilot uniform otherwise that joke would't have worked hehe.

Frank
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Firegirl on January 11, 2007, 11:56:54 AM
Has this one been posted yet??
(I didn't make it through all 50+ pages to check.... but it could have been in the women=evil section....)

A sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.  She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.   She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no," he replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.

"Tell him," she whispered, "there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room!"
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: fireflyr on January 11, 2007, 12:32:25 PM
Firegirl, you are DISGUSTING ::sick::
But that's why we love ya ::bow::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Frank N. O. on January 11, 2007, 01:03:28 PM
I must say, I've heard a lot of dirty jokes, Jackie "The Joke Man" Martlin and John Valby are two prime suspects (Jackie btw told that joke above in his act) but after Happy and Fire's posts I'm beginning to believe other comics (both male and female ones) when they say women are a lot more dirty than they seem to men  ::unbelieveable::  It's both interesting, attractive and off-putting at the same time, in short, women continue to be mysteries and just when I thought I'd figured them out, they throw a curveball and I'm still hooked  >:D ::angel:: ::bow:: |:)\

Frank
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: fireflyr on January 11, 2007, 06:40:29 PM
I must say, I've heard a lot of dirty jokes, Jackie "The Joke Man" Martlin and John Valby are two prime suspects (Jackie btw told that joke above in his act) but after Happy and Fire's posts I'm beginning to believe other comics (both male and female ones) when they say women are a lot more dirty than they seem to men  ::unbelieveable::  It's both interesting, attractive and off-putting at the same time, in short, women continue to be mysteries and just when I thought I'd figured them out, they throw a curveball and I'm still hooked  >:D ::angel:: ::bow:: |:)\

Frank
Oh Frank, don't EVEN talk about such things or they ("the women") will make you veeeery sorry! //insert smiley w/foot in mouth//

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Frank N. O. on January 11, 2007, 08:05:56 PM
Just to make sure I understand that, I'm not surprised to say I love women if they are mysterious? Too late for that, they already know. Heck, I mostly worked on my student degree with my female classmates (ok partly also because most of them were smarter and more mature so work could be done) and even my best friend is female, I just enjoy being near nice women. I find them intelligent and insightful and of course many of them are also, in my humble opinion, very nice to look at (I mean the face btw, I am a gentleman after all, and I'm happy just being in the company of a nice woman, they are that wonderful  ::bow:: ). Do you think I'm lost?  ::rofl::

Frank
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: fireflyr on January 11, 2007, 08:53:12 PM
Just to make sure I understand that, I'm not surprised to say I love women if they are mysterious? Too late for that, they already know. Heck, I mostly worked on my student degree with my female classmates (ok partly also because most of them were smarter and more mature so work could be done) and even my best friend is female, I just enjoy being near nice women. I find them intelligent and insightful and of course many of them are also, in my humble opinion, very nice to look at (I mean the face btw, I am a gentleman after all, and I'm happy just being in the company of a nice woman, they are that wonderful  ::bow:: ). Do you think I'm lost?  ::rofl::

Frank
Not at all Frank--I'm just having fun ::whistle::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on January 11, 2007, 09:44:00 PM
New Answering Service Installed at Mental Health Institutes

"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5, and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until someone comes on the line.
If you are dyslexic, press 6969696969.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic-stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.
If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on January 12, 2007, 08:47:30 AM
Just to make sure I understand that, I'm not surprised to say I love women if they are mysterious? Too late for that, they already know. Heck, I mostly worked on my student degree with my female classmates (ok partly also because most of them were smarter and more mature so work could be done) and even my best friend is female, I just enjoy being near nice women. I find them intelligent and insightful and of course many of them are also, in my humble opinion, very nice to look at (I mean the face btw, I am a gentleman after all, and I'm happy just being in the company of a nice woman, they are that wonderful  ::bow:: ). Do you think I'm lost?  ::rofl::

Frank

Frank, I will tell you that the point about the fact that women are mysterious applies to men too.  ;D
I do not have a big number of female friend, I'm much more the type who prefer going out with beer buddies and I consider I've male friends, instead of females. one day, by the way, talking to my brother, who has tons of experience with females, he told me that I was mad and I probably did not have any beer buddy but just men around me who just wanted one thing...and I will censure the exact words he used :) Btw, facts have not given reason to such a postulate, until now and I'm qute sure, that, even if the advice comes from an "insider", it will not apply. But when I was involved into a relationship, the only one I've had, until so far, I noticed several times that certain things were - say - reversed. to give you examples, it is usually said that women expect men to "read into your mind", behaving as you would like or that we use subtle way to mean something or that we usually answer the question "is there something wrong?" with a no, when in fact, something is wrong and we expect the significant other to understand what it is wrong. I think I can say I never behaved such ways but I saw my former behaving several times alike. So, I dare say that in my life I applied in the most natural way, almost never thinking about a best possible answer that would have reflected a stereotyped way of thinking, but behaving as I would have, with the maximum flexibility and understanding and giving - in the meantme the maximum of freedom.  You wonder that when my relationship closed I was "accused" of not having understood the moods, the desires, the meanings and the needs of my significant other?!? and even worse, I was accused of not being jealous? letting the other do whatever he wanted?!?
ALso men are a mystery, let be assured! :)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: TheSoccerMom on January 12, 2007, 09:59:36 PM
Right on, Happy!!    ::bow::

And No, Frank, you're NOT lost!!       |:)\
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on January 12, 2007, 10:27:29 PM
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "NO! I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology, and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?!"
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on January 12, 2007, 10:29:42 PM
Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground.

The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate.

"Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on January 12, 2007, 10:30:50 PM
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend awake. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" Holmes questioned.

Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on January 12, 2007, 10:31:31 PM
Queen Elizabeth II was visiting one of New York's finest hospitals and during her tour of the wards she passed a room where one of the male patients was masturbating.

"Oh God," said the Queen, "that's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this?"

The doctor leading the tour explains, "I am sorry your Royal Highness, but this man has a very serious condition where his testicles fill up rapidly with semen. If he doesn't do what he is doing at least 5 times per day, he could swell up and he might die"

"Oh, I am sorry," said the Queen, "I was unaware that such a medical condition existed."

On the same floor they soon passed another room where a young, blonde nurse was performing oral sex on another patient.

"Oh my God," said the Queen, "What's happening here?"

The doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on January 12, 2007, 10:32:55 PM
Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"
"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techiniques - visualization, association - it made a huge difference for me."
"That's great! What was the name of the clinic?"
Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that red flower with the long stem and thorns?"
"You mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife. . ."Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on January 13, 2007, 05:18:29 PM
two small prawns playing in the water.
one looks at the other and says "hey mate! what's up? you are absent minded today! something happened?".
the other (looking sad and worried): "my mom went to a cocktail party yesterday....and hasn't come back yet......"
 :-\ ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: fireflyr on January 14, 2007, 04:45:33 AM
AND NOW, FOR YOU PHILOSPHY MAJORS, a definition; ::wave::

"Political Correctness is a doctrine fostered by a delusional, illogical liberal minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: digits on January 14, 2007, 01:25:58 PM
Just to make sure I understand that, I'm not surprised to say I love women if they are mysterious? Too late for that, they already know. Heck, I mostly worked on my student degree with my female classmates (ok partly also because most of them were smarter and more mature so work could be done) and even my best friend is female, I just enjoy being near nice women. I find them intelligent and insightful and of course many of them are also, in my humble opinion, very nice to look at (I mean the face btw, I am a gentleman after all, and I'm happy just being in the company of a nice woman, they are that wonderful ::bow:: ). Do you think I'm lost? ::rofl::

Frank

Frank, I will tell you that the point about the fact that women are mysterious applies to men too. ;D
I do not have a big number of female friend, I'm much more the type who prefer going out with beer buddies and I consider I've male friends, instead of females. one day, by the way, talking to my brother, who has tons of experience with females, he told me that I was mad and I probably did not have any beer buddy but just men around me who just wanted one thing...and I will censure the exact words he used :) Btw, facts have not given reason to such a postulate, until now and I'm qute sure, that, even if the advice comes from an "insider", it will not apply. But when I was involved into a relationship, the only one I've had, until so far, I noticed several times that certain things were - say - reversed. to give you examples, it is usually said that women expect men to "read into your mind", behaving as you would like or that we use subtle way to mean something or that we usually answer the question "is there something wrong?" with a no, when in fact, something is wrong and we expect the significant other to understand what it is wrong. I think I can say I never behaved such ways but I saw my former behaving several times alike. So, I dare say that in my life I applied in the most natural way, almost never thinking about a best possible answer that would have reflected a stereotyped way of thinking, but behaving as I would have, with the maximum flexibility and understanding and giving - in the meantme the maximum of freedom. You wonder that when my relationship closed I was "accused" of not having understood the moods, the desires, the meanings and the needs of my significant other?!? and even worse, I was accused of not being jealous? letting the other do whatever he wanted?!?
ALso men are a mystery, let be assured! :)


:) :) ::rofl:: ::bow::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: fireflyr on January 14, 2007, 03:27:34 PM
Just to make sure I understand that, I'm not surprised to say I love women if they are mysterious? Too late for that, they already know. Heck, I mostly worked on my student degree with my female classmates (ok partly also because most of them were smarter and more mature so work could be done) and even my best friend is female, I just enjoy being near nice women. I find them intelligent and insightful and of course many of them are also, in my humble opinion, very nice to look at (I mean the face btw, I am a gentleman after all, and I'm happy just being in the company of a nice woman, they are that wonderful ::bow:: ). Do you think I'm lost? ::rofl::

Frank


Frank, I will tell you that the point about the fact that women are mysterious applies to men too. ;D
I do not have a big number of female friend, I'm much more the type who prefer going out with beer buddies and I consider I've male friends, instead of females. one day, by the way, talking to my brother, who has tons of experience with females, he told me that I was mad and I probably did not have any beer buddy but just men around me who just wanted one thing...and I will censure the exact words he used :) Btw, facts have not given reason to such a postulate, until now and I'm qute sure, that, even if the advice comes from an "insider", it will not apply. But when I was involved into a relationship, the only one I've had, until so far, I noticed several times that certain things were - say - reversed. to give you examples, it is usually said that women expect men to "read into your mind", behaving as you would like or that we use subtle way to mean something or that we usually answer the question "is there something wrong?" with a no, when in fact, something is wrong and we expect the significant other to understand what it is wrong. I think I can say I never behaved such ways but I saw my former behaving several times alike. So, I dare say that in my life I applied in the most natural way, almost never thinking about a best possible answer that would have reflected a stereotyped way of thinking, but behaving as I would have, with the maximum flexibility and understanding and giving - in the meantme the maximum of freedom. You wonder that when my relationship closed I was "accused" of not having understood the moods, the desires, the meanings and the needs of my significant other?!? and even worse, I was accused of not being jealous? letting the other do whatever he wanted?!?
ALso men are a mystery, let be assured! :)


:) :) ::rofl:: ::bow::
"men are a mystery"---HORSE FEATHERS ::unbelieveable::
It's just that we think yes is yes, no is no, and we are clueless when women hint at things :-\    I mean there are a thousand ways we fall into the verbal traps set by the onerous feminists terrorists whom we worship blindly like a group knuckle-dragging troglodytes staring at a volcano ::bow:: ::bow::
Let's face it, women think anyone who just blurts unrefined data in a succint manner to facilitate a conversation is either an idiot or.... "mysterious" !
Ladies, my wife can tell you what color socks I was wearing and what she couldn't eat for lunch that day 15 years ago when sitting crosslegged at a marriage seminar I allowed she was getting "a tiny bit" wide at the hips  ::eek::  ::knockedout:: 
Celibacy is a reward for men who aren't vigilant of the words that tumble from our babbling pie holes, we are a lot of things but we ain't mysterious ::banghead::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on January 14, 2007, 08:49:58 PM
Fireflyr, I'll give you a point in saying that my observations are drawn from a single experience, and I’m still waiting for other ones to confirm or deny the first set of conclusions.  ;D Maybe one day - on that exact forum - I will tell you that you men are not a mystery after all (hoping that, solving the mystery, doesn’t take men’s sex appeal away, though :) ). By the way, I’ve not fallen in love yet again in order to live another story and be able to add or remove something from my first conclusion. But my question is: does that mean that a man would never uhhm, think about, say for example, what you said 6 months before and throw it back to you as a boomerang some day or another? Because, actually my former should have won the medal to that!  ??? So, now I'm out of knowledge. I sometimes laugh about it.... but jokes apart, is it - or not - really something that men do not tend to do? Or, better said, do you think that women/men can "generally" behave in specified ways that are uncomprehensible to the other sex?!?
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: digits on January 14, 2007, 10:48:55 PM
Or, better said, do you think that women/men can "generally" behave in specified ways that are uncomprehensible to the other sex?!?

i certainly do think so. if you just consider all the scientists and writers that have spend so much time in investigating all kinds of psychological differences, have done tons of research, written thousands of books, than i'm quite sure there ARE some mysteries left and worth investigating.

or they are all just depressed bachelors :D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: tundra_flier on January 15, 2007, 04:53:47 AM
OK, No joke, I heard on the radio last month that I study at a British university (sorry, can't remember which one) gave concrete proof that men and women think differently, and address problems differently.  It was based on a study of only 52 students at that university, yet was deemed worthy of the world news!   ::rofl::

Actually Happy, men's minds are pretty easy to read.  The american philosipher Bill Engball summed up how very simply.
Men think about 3 things.
Sleeping
Eating
and Sex.

If a mans rested and well fed, you know what he'd thinking about.   ::cowboy::

"Here's your sign"

Phil
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: fireflyr on January 15, 2007, 06:53:21 PM
Happy, I was just being silly in that post, but as it's been said before "there is truth in humor"....

As for relationships and gender differences, there are many inconsistencies but in general, men don't do well with subtle hints (we're clueless) ::banghead:: and women are generally better at remembering inconsequential (to a guy anyway) incidents from the distant past ::angel::
Jim
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Gulfstream Driver on January 15, 2007, 09:16:36 PM
OK, No joke, I heard on the radio last month that I study at a British university (sorry, can't remember which one) gave concrete proof that men and women think differently, and address problems differently. 


Well, duh!  It's amazing that some of these studies get federal funding.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on January 16, 2007, 09:46:30 PM
Happy, I was just being silly in that post, but as it's been said before "there is truth in humor"....

As for relationships and gender differences, there are many inconsistencies but in general, men don't do well with subtle hints (we're clueless) ::banghead:: and women are generally better at remembering inconsequential (to a guy anyway) incidents from the distant past ::angel::
Jim

Thanks for the answer mates! I should maybe reconsider who wore the pants in the couple I was into! :) Jokes apart, there must be a why on the fact I'm not used about these kind of behaviour and I start thinking that growing up playing with my brother football and hockey and guns and choosing my dad's path (until a certain point) probably gave me a more direct way to approach problems! But now I clearly see why my mom, when she thinks about facts in the past, she attaches them not to the year or whatever she was doing, but to her weight at the time! :)  ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on January 16, 2007, 10:30:27 PM
John's dad picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part.
John enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years."
"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."
 ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: fireflyr on January 17, 2007, 01:32:26 AM
I'd like to add something to my earlier post on gender differences;  ;D

For Words Women Use.

1.) FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

2.) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five Minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3.) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

4.) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5.) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6.) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7.) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.

8.) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying S$#&W YOU!

9.) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking, "what's wrong", for the woman's response refer to #3.

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Gulfstream Driver on January 17, 2007, 04:50:02 AM
I hear #9 a lot.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on January 17, 2007, 05:02:54 AM
The Center for Disease Control has released a list of symptoms of bird flu. If you experience any of the following, please seek medical treatment immediately:



        1. High fever
        2. Congestion
        3. Nausea
        4. Fatigue
        5. Aching in the joints
        6. An irresistible urge to sh*t on someone's windshield
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on January 17, 2007, 05:07:29 AM
Interesting
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on January 17, 2007, 05:09:26 AM
Interesting
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on January 17, 2007, 05:12:15 AM
Where do eskimo's have their cemetaries?

Someone had to come in last in flight school. How do you know it wasn't your pilot?
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: cotejy on January 17, 2007, 04:39:01 PM
OMG, I just went throught the 54 pages. LOLLOLO.  ;D ::rofl:: There are some verry funny one there!


This morning, on the radio, they said that Newfounland just had their worst airplane tragedy. A Cessna 150 had to force land in St-John cemetery. Pilot survived but rescue team are counting 400 death and still digging.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: cotejy on January 17, 2007, 04:45:38 PM
Police just pull over someone for a few trafic violation.

Police: Sir, I got you 20 mph over speed limit.
Driver: Really, I'm sorry, I haven't realized I was going that fast.
Women passenger: What, I just keep telling you so slow down.
Driver: Shut the f... up I'M doing the talking.
Police: And I saw you pass throught the red light over the last intersection.
Driver: Really, I haven't saw it.
Women passenger: Honey, I told you to stop and you just keep accelerate throught the red light.
Driver: You b..ch, I told you to sh.t the f. up....
Police: mam, does your husband always talk to you like that?
Women: No sir, just when he is drunk.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: chuckar101 on January 18, 2007, 01:13:48 AM
That last was just plain mean.  Those optical illusion pictures are pretty cool.  I'm guessing there all black dots except for the ones your focusing on.  Very interesting.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on January 19, 2007, 10:12:23 AM
Wow, these illusions makes your brain spinning! :)

Wedding Registry
Jacob age 85, and Rebecca age 79 are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way go past a drugstore. Jacob suggests that they go in. He addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?" The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jacob: "Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about Viagra?"
Pharmacist: "Of course."
Jacob: "Medicine for memory?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety."
Jacob: "What about vitamins and sleeping pills?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "Perfect! We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: digits on January 20, 2007, 11:13:50 PM
hehe, last one is goooooooood :d
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on January 25, 2007, 09:31:14 PM
22 Things To Never Say To A Cop
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you that guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must have been doin' at least 120 mph to keep up with me...Good job!
5. Excuse me...is stick up hyphenated?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a cop.
7. I almost decided to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
8. Bad cop! No donut!
9. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
10. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
11. Didn't I see you get your ass kicked on COPS?
12. Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's nightstand.
13. Is it true that people become cops because they're too dumb to work at McDonald's?
14. I pay your salary!
15. So, uh, you on the take, or what?
16. Gee, Officer...that's terrific...the last officer only gave me a warning too!
17. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
18. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around-that's how far ahead of me they are.
19. What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" You're the trained specialist.
20. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
21. Hey, is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 Magnum.
22. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Fekke on January 25, 2007, 10:28:33 PM
Hahahaha  :D
Hilarious!  ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: fireflyr on January 26, 2007, 11:27:50 PM
BWAAAHAHAA, Good ones Happy ::wave::
I could have used some of those Monday, got stopped for 88 MPH just outside Winemmucca NV (70 zone), in all fairness though, he just gave me a warning ::sweat::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Baradium on January 27, 2007, 04:51:35 AM
Where do eskimo's have their cemetaries?

Someone had to come in last in flight school. How do you know it wasn't your pilot?

Sorry, I don't get the eskimo one....

 ::silly::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: tundra_flier on January 27, 2007, 05:21:00 AM
Where do eskimo's have their cemetaries?

Someone had to come in last in flight school. How do you know it wasn't your pilot?

Sorry, I don't get the eskimo one....

 ::silly::

Sad joke by some one who still believes they live on the ice pack year round.   ::)
Probably thinks mushers say "mush" to start their dogs too  ::)

Phil :P
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: fireflyr on January 27, 2007, 06:16:44 AM
Where do eskimo's have their cemetaries?

Someone had to come in last in flight school. How do you know it wasn't your pilot?

Sorry, I don't get the eskimo one....

 ::silly::

Sad joke by some one who still believes they live on the ice pack year round.   ::)
Probably thinks mushers say "mush" to start their dogs too  ::)

Phil :P
SO, what do they they say????   Is it "On King, On you huskies" or "Giddyup"---- ???
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Baradium on January 27, 2007, 07:22:37 AM

Sad joke by some one who still believes they live on the ice pack year round.   ::)
Probably thinks mushers say "mush" to start their dogs too  ::)

Phil :P

 ::silly::

People get confused when I tell them that I've yet to see an Igloo with flying around the state... or that we actually get daylight.  ;)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on January 27, 2007, 12:14:26 PM
BWAAAHAHAA, Good ones Happy ::wave::
I could have used some of those Monday, got stopped for 88 MPH just outside Winemmucca NV (70 zone), in all fairness though, he just gave me a warning ::sweat::

Glad you liked them. I wll try one of these shots as soon as police stops me for whatever reason! :)
See if I can just get a warning (actually, the only time I was lucky was last year in Cornwall, when I parked a car, did not pay the exact amount and discovered two days later 4 fines for 60 £ each. I cried pity to the police station and actually went away with a 10 £ fine only.... ::rofl:: )
I try to post whenever I can, but I had to slow down lately, since the lessons are taking from my part a large amount of time :(
the good thing, is that now I start understanding what they say in AlJazeera. Yeppeeee!

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: digits on January 27, 2007, 03:33:50 PM
BWAAAHAHAA, Good ones Happy ::wave::
I could have used some of those Monday, got stopped for 88 MPH just outside Winemmucca NV (70 zone), in all fairness though, he just gave me a warning ::sweat::


Glad you liked them. I wll try one of these shots as soon as police stops me for whatever reason! :)
See if I can just get a warning (actually, the only time I was lucky was last year in Cornwall, when I parked a car, did not pay the exact amount and discovered two days later 4 fines for 60 £ each. I cried pity to the police station and actually went away with a 10 £ fine only.... ::rofl:: )
I try to post whenever I can, but I had to slow down lately, since the lessons are taking from my part a large amount of time :(
the good thing, is that now I start understanding what they say in AlJazeera. Yeppeeee!


nice, a few more months and you'll be the perfect terrorist: studying abroad, know arabic, having a pilot license :D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Gulfstream Driver on January 27, 2007, 06:41:54 PM
Hey, Baradium!  Where ya been?
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: tundra_flier on January 27, 2007, 07:17:57 PM
Where do eskimo's have their cemetaries?

Someone had to come in last in flight school. How do you know it wasn't your pilot?

Sorry, I don't get the eskimo one....

 ::silly::

Sad joke by some one who still believes they live on the ice pack year round.   ::)
Probably thinks mushers say "mush" to start their dogs too  ::)

Phil :P
SO, what do they they say????   Is it "On King, On you huskies" or "Giddyup"---- ???

"Lets Go" or "Hike!" are the most common start words.  Generally the dogs will run as soon as you let them.  Stopping them tends to be the hard part.
Other commands are:
Gee = right
Haw = left
Whoa = stop
Easy = slow down
Over = to the side of the trail, followed by Gee or Haw
Come Gee or Haw = turn around 180 degrees on the trail
Line Out = get your furry butt down the trail and put tension on the lines!
On by = ignore a distraction or go past a side trail
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Turbomallard on January 27, 2007, 07:36:05 PM

"Lets Go" or "Hike!" are the most common start words.  Generally the dogs will run as soon as you let them.  Stopping them tends to be the hard part.
Other commands are:
Gee = right
Haw = left
Whoa = stop
Easy = slow down
Over = to the side of the trail, followed by Gee or Haw
Come Gee or Haw = turn around 180 degrees on the trail
Line Out = get your furry butt down the trail and put tension on the lines!
On by = ignore a distraction or go past a side trail


How about:

Engage!

or

What the hell are you trying to do, kill me?!?!

(I've come close to using the last one with human students in a Cessna 152.)

TM
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: TheSoccerMom on January 27, 2007, 10:35:14 PM
ALL students are trying to kill the Instructor!!!!!!!!!

(Rule #1 of being a CFI.........)   ::eek::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Turbomallard on January 27, 2007, 10:49:09 PM
ALL students are trying to kill the Instructor!!!!!!!!!

(Rule #1 of being a CFI.........)   ::eek::

NOW you tell me...  ::silly:: ::silly:: ::silly::

Need more beer... oh, wait... I have to get it myself. Hic.

TM
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on February 03, 2007, 08:14:00 AM
the following short quiz consists of 4 questions and it will tell you whethere your are qualified to be a professional. Scroll down for each answer. and remember that the questions are not that difficult.


1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?


The CORRECT answer: Open the refrigerator door, put the giraffe in, and close the door.
(This question tests whether or not you do simple things in a complicated way.)



2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?


The WRONG answer: Open the refrigerator, put the elephant in, and close the door.
The CORRECT answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put the elephant in, and close the door.
(This question tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous statements).



3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals except one attend. Which one does not attend?


The CORRECT answer: The elephant. The elephant is still in the refrigerator and cannot open the door from the inside.
(This question tests your memory.)



If you did not answer correctly the first three questions, this next question is your last chance to show your qualification to be a professional.



4. There is a river inhabited by crocodiles. How do you manage to pass it?


The CORRECT answer: Swim through it. All of the animals, including the crocodiles, are attending the conference (except the elephant, of course).
this tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.


Don't be frustrated if you failed this test. According to Andersen Consulting Worldwide, about 90% of the professionals failed the exam. However, most preschoolers got it correct, this disproving the popular theory that most "professionals" have the brains of a four-year old.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: TheSoccerMom on February 03, 2007, 08:20:15 AM
Wow Happy, that is funny!  I got them ALL wrong.    ::)

But I can't even get up to speed to be a 4-year-old!!!!!!!     ::whistle::

When do you want to schedule that manicure, by the way??!!!!?!!!?!?     ;)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on February 03, 2007, 08:27:24 AM
Wow Happy, that is funny!  I got them ALL wrong.    ::)

But I can't even get up to speed to be a 4-year-old!!!!!!!     ::whistle::

When do you want to schedule that manicure, by the way??!!!!?!!!?!?     ;)


Hehe! Soccermom, it happened the same to me :)
.........talking about alternative reasoning :)

And about the manicure: you are right!!!! we have to schedule it, since it's part of our new year proposal! :)
But the question is: how will we endure the nail file? I get scared just at the thought of it! :)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: TheSoccerMom on February 03, 2007, 08:45:27 AM
Yeah, that is WAY scarier than flying..................      ;)      :D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Panzerrat on February 04, 2007, 09:02:20 AM
And here I was thinking I was smart because by "passing the river", I felt I qualified by walking parallel to it.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Firegirl on February 04, 2007, 06:17:31 PM
My dad sent this to me. I just wanted to share this with you guys:


FOR SENIORS  HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN You're OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.

George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife
told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see
from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were
people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said
"no". Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply
lock his door and an officer would be along when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my
shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them
all." Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an
ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars
red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot
them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

(True Story) I LOVE IT

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Fekke on February 04, 2007, 07:35:32 PM
Hahaha  :D

Hillarious!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on February 13, 2007, 05:29:02 PM
Some of them we have seen in this thread before, but they have a few new good ones in there!
Enjoy!  ::wave::

    Comments by staff of a Canadian  Airline.....
      You gotta love the Canadian sense of humor!

      West Jet is an airline with it's head office situated in Calgary, Alberta.
      West Jet  airline attendants make an  effort to make the inflight  "safety lecture" and  announcements a bit more  entertaining.
      Here are some  real examples that have been  heard or reported:

     
------------------------------------------------

      On a West Jet flight (there is  no assigned seating, you just   sit where you want)  passengers were apparently  having a hard time choosing,  when a
      flight attendant  announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture  here, find a seat and get in it!"
      -----------------------
      On another West Jet flight with  a very "senior" flight attendant  crew, the pilot said, "Ladies  and gentlemen, we've reached  cruising altitude and will be  turning down the cabin lights.   This is for your comfort and to  enhance the appearance of  your flight attendants."
      ------------------------
      On landing, the stewardess  said, "Please be
sure to take all of your belongings.  If you're  going to leave anything, please  make sure it's something we'd like to have."
      ------------------------
      "There may be 50 ways to  leave your lover, but there are  only 4 ways out of this  airplane."
       -----------------------
      "Thank you for flying West Jet  Express.  We hope you enjoyed giving us the business  as much as we enjoyed taking  you for a ride."
      ---------------------------
      As the plane landed and was  coming to a stop at the Vancouver Airport, a lone  voice came over the loudspeaker:  "Whoa, big fella,  WHOA!"
      -------------------------
      After a particularly rough 
landing during thunderstorms in  Ontario, a flight attendant on a West Jet flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead  compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell  everything has shifted."
      -----------------------
      From a West Jet Airlines  employee: "Welcome aboard West Jet flight 245 to Calgary.  To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the  buckle, and pull
      tight.  It works  just like every other seat belt;  and, if you don't know how to  operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public  unsupervised."
      ---------------------
      "In the event of a sudden loss  of cabin pressure, masks will  descend from the ceiling.  Stop screaming, grab the mask, and  pull it over your
face.  If you have a small child traveling with  you, secure your mask before  assisting with theirs.  If you are traveling with more than one  small child, pick your favorite."
      -----------------------
      Weather at our destination is  50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have  them fixed before we arrive.   Thank you, and remember,  nobody loves you, or your money, more than West Jet  Airlines.
      ------------------------
      Your seat cushions can be  used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water  landing, please paddle to shore  and take them with our compliments.
      -----------------------
      "As you exit the plane, make  sure to gather all of your  belongings. 
Anything
      left  behind will be distributed evenly  among the flight attendants.   Please do not leave children or  spouses."
      ---------------------------
      And from the pilot during his  welcome message:   "West Jet  Airlines is pleased to  announce that we have some  of the best flight     attendants in  the  industry.  Unfortunately,  none of them are on this  flight!"
      -----------------------------
      Heard on West Jet Airlines  just after a very hard landing in Edmonton:  The flight attendant  came on the intercom and  said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are  thinking.  I'm here to tell you it  wasn't the airline's fault, it  wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't  the
flight attendant's fault, it  was the asphalt."

      ----------------------

      Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement:  "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today.  And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of West Jet Airways."
      -----------------------
      Heard on a West Jet Airline flight.  "Ladies and
gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing.  If you can light 'em, you can smoke  'em."
      -----------------------

This one is older and has been used a lot, but it's still one of my favorites !!  ;D

      A plane was taking off from the Winnipeg Airport.  After it  reached a comfortable  cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.  Welcome to Flight  Number 293, nonstop from Winnipeg to Montreal.  The weather ahead is
      good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight.   Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!"
      Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier.  While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup
of hot coffee in
      my lap.  You should see the front of my pants!"
      A  passenger in coach yelled, "That's nothing.  You should  see the back of mine!"

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Fekke on February 13, 2007, 09:21:16 PM
Haha, thats hillarious, Mike! ;D

Quote
"In the event of a sudden loss  of cabin pressure, masks will  descend from the ceiling.  Stop screaming, grab the mask, and  pull it over your face.  If you have a small child traveling with  you, secure your mask before  assisting with theirs.  If you are traveling with more than one  small child, pick your favorite."
was my favourite :)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on February 13, 2007, 10:05:50 PM
This was my favorite!

"As you exit the plane, make  sure to gather all of your  belongings. 
Anything left  behind will be distributed evenly  among the flight attendants.   Please do not leave children or  spouses."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: tundra_flier on February 13, 2007, 10:10:41 PM
Quote
Heard on West Jet Airlines  just after a very hard landing in Edmonton:  The flight attendant  came on the intercom and  said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are  thinking.  I'm here to tell you it  wasn't the airline's fault, it  wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't  the
flight attendant's fault, it  was the asphalt."

Darn those defective Rectums!   ::cowboy::

Phil
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on February 14, 2007, 09:03:19 PM
LOL!!!!!!!!!!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on February 14, 2007, 10:53:15 PM
OMG!!!! that's tooooooooooooooooooooooo pretty!!!  ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on February 14, 2007, 10:58:15 PM
Approaches for men that today have not a valentine to party with.............   

    * Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want...the money?
    * I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed rock.
    * Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?
    * I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
    * Yo Baby, you be my Dairy Queen, I'll be your Burger King, you treat me right, and I'll do it your way.
    * Excuse me, do you have your phone number, I seem to have lost mine.
    * I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.
    * I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house?
    * If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.
    * Let's do breakfast tomorrow. Should I call you or nudge you?
    * If I could rewrite the alphabet, I would put U and I together.
    * There must be something wrong with my eyes, I can't take them off you.
    * Do you have a map? I just keep on getting lost in your eyes.
    * You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
    * That's a nice shirt. Can I talk you out of it?
    * Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only ten I see!
    * Was your father a thief? 'Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.
    * Your daddy must have been a baker, 'cause you've got a nice set of buns.
    * Excuse me, but I DO think it's time we met.
    * Shall we talk or continue flirting from a distance?
    * Is it cold in here, or are you just happy to see me?
    * Do you sleep on your stomach?
      No.
      Can I?
    * Be unique and different, say yes.


HAPPY VALENTINE!!!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: chuckar101 on February 19, 2007, 04:51:46 PM
That's a nice shirt. Can I talk you out of it?

Classic, where do you find these things happy?
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Baradium on February 19, 2007, 08:19:02 PM
That's a nice shirt. Can I talk you out of it?

Classic, where do you find these things happy?

She seems to have a gift.  ;)   


  ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on February 19, 2007, 10:27:48 PM
All around the internet, chuckar! I'm always trying to find things that  ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl::
well, here are some pull down from women to men the day after....or even before....


Sure, I've seen people like you before - but I had to pay an admission...
Hi there, I'm a human being! What are you?
Your red shirt goes well with your eyes...
Save your breath...You'll need it to blow up your date.
Shouldn't you have a license for being that ugly?
Calling you an idiot would be an insult to all the stupid people.
Folk clap when they see you...but they clap their hands over their eyes.
You're about as much use as a Betamax videorecorder
All day I thought of you....I was at the zoo.
I'd love to ask how old you are, but unfortunately I know you can't count that high.
You should learn from your parents mistakes - try using some birth control.
Next time you shave, try standing an inch or two closer to the blade.
If I was as ugly as you were, I wouldn't say Hi to folk, I'd say BOO!
You've got the perfect weapon against muggers - yer face.
You got a face only a mother could love...unfortunately she too hates it!
Listen, are you always this stupid or are you just making a special effort today?
Sure, I'd love to help you out...now, which way did you come in?
Anybody who told you to be yourself simply couldn't have given you worse advice...
Well, they do say opposites attact...so I sincerely hope you meet somebody who is attractive, honest, intelligent, and cultured.
I heard that you changed your mind. So, what did you do with the diaper?
Why don't you slip into something more comfortable...like a coma????
You started at the bottom...and it's been downhill ever since!
I heard that you were a Ladykiller. They take one look at you and die of shock.
I know what sign you were born under...'RED LIGHT DISTRICT'


Have a nice evening! :) :)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Ted_Stryker on February 19, 2007, 10:54:06 PM
Hey hey!  I don't get no respect....

Why, the last time anyone opened the car door for me we were on the highway!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on February 20, 2007, 02:48:30 AM
got this one in an email today! ...made my day!  ;D



 
 
Living Will:

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room talking about many things.

The idea of a living will came up and I said to her,  "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If I ever come to that just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer.

Bitch...   >:(

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Frank N. O. on February 20, 2007, 05:04:21 AM
got this one in an email today! ...made my day!  ;D



 
 
Living Will:

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room talking about many things.

The idea of a living will came up and I said to her,  "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If I ever come to that just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer.

Bitch...   >:(


Hahahahahahahahahah!!!! That was really egg-selent!  ::rofl:: |:)\

Frank
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on February 20, 2007, 05:15:34 AM
That was really egg-selent!  ::rofl:: |:)\


egg-selent, huh?!

pretty clever!  I like it!  ;D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: cotejy on February 20, 2007, 03:22:05 PM
Quote
On landing, the stewardess  said, "Please be
sure to take all of your belongings.  If you're  going to leave anything, please  make sure it's something we'd like to have."


I had a similar one last Sunday. Really happend when I was in this flight. United from Chicago to Montreal. This is what the flight attendant said:

"Please be sure verify the back seat pocket in front of you for any cell phones, ipod, or any other electronic device. If you forget one, no worries, you will find them on e-bay tomorrow morning. "

She said a copel of other but this was is funnyest. Other example of what she said:

"Good evening, my name is Kareen and the other flight attendent is John, if you have any questions or requests, don't hesitate to ask John".
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Baradium on February 20, 2007, 08:16:05 PM
"Alright folks, Cap'n says you can sit wherever you want.   I suggest inside the airplane.   It gets kind of cold and windy on the outside."

-Me, yesterday.    Yeah, I borrowed from a line in this thread.


With the 1900 being a relatively small airliner, we sometimes tell people to sit in different sections of the airplane for weight and balance.  Before we boarded the passengers our conversation went something like this.

Me:  You care where they sit?
Him:  Naw, they can sit wherever they want.
Me (amusing myself):  As long as they sit inside the airplane! Right? (hehe)
Him (with a perfectly straight face): Naw, I don't care.  Wouldn't recommend it, but if they can hang on they can sit there.

After that little conversation I had a strong urge to try the above line.



My standard line when briefing electronic devices is:

"Please make sure at this time that any cellular telephones and other electronic devices are turned off at this time.  They do interfere with our communications and navigation equipment and as much as we do enjoy listening in to your conversations, it does interfere with our ATC communications"   

Yes we can hear the conversations over our headsets.  Text messages and rings make a weird pulse over them.  Pretty annoying actually.  ;)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on February 21, 2007, 08:42:04 PM
Nicknames:

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

Eating Out:

When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $50, even though it's only for $115.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

Shopping:

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

Bathrooms:

A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from ASDA.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

Arguments:

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Cats:
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
The Future:
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
 
Success:
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Marriage:
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

Dressing Up:

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals

Natural appearance
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
 
Children:

Ah, children!  A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods,
secret-fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
 
What a Woman Says:
 
C'mon...This place is a mess. You and I need to clean. Your trousers are on the floor and you'll have no clothes if we don't do the laundry now.

 
What a Man Hears:
 
C'MON! ... blah, blah, blah YOU AND I blah,blah, blah, blah, blah ON THE FLOOR blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES blah, blah,
blah, blah, NOW!

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on February 21, 2007, 09:09:34 PM

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
 

OHHHHH MY GOD!!!!! that's so incredibly (and sadly) true!  ::banghead:: ::banghead::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on February 22, 2007, 02:57:55 AM
Nice!

They are all kind of true.  ...aren't stereotypes great!!  ;D

My woman isn't like that though because she has worked around a lot of men all her life and know how we think (of better the lack of thinking  ;D )
I am lucky!!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on February 22, 2007, 04:09:43 AM
Nice!

They are all kind of true.  ...aren't stereotypes great!!  ;D

My woman isn't like that though because she has worked around a lot of men all her life and know how we think (of better the lack of thinking  ;D )
I am lucky!!

And where did you find such a lovely girl? Does she have a sister? ::)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on February 22, 2007, 05:35:17 AM
Here have some fun on an airplane. Bring your laptop, make sure the people beside you can see the screen, and click on this link
http://www.thecleverest.com/countdown.swf

You might get in trouble, but won't it be fun! :D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Ted_Stryker on February 22, 2007, 09:11:25 AM
Here have some fun on an airplane. Bring your laptop, make sure the people beside you can see the screen, and click on this link
http://www.thecleverest.com/countdown.swf

You might get in trouble, but won't it be fun! :D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

And just how thick is your FBI file now??   ;D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Baradium on February 22, 2007, 09:33:23 AM
I don't think this is a repeat...

FIVE RULES FOR A HAPPY LIFE:

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from
time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't
lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes
to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each
other.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on February 22, 2007, 05:11:36 PM
Definitions of a Bachelor

* One who avoids Bride-Eyed women.

* One who believes in Life, Liberty and the Happiness of Pursuit.

* One who can go fishing anytime, until he gets hooked.

* One who can't be Spouse-Broken.

* One who knows how to hold a woman's hand so that she doesn't get a grip on him.

* One who leans toward a woman but not far enough to fall.

* One who, when a girl asks him for a Diamond Ring, turns Stone-Deaf.

* One who would rather mend his socks than his ways.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on February 22, 2007, 07:16:50 PM
Nice!

They are all kind of true.  ...aren't stereotypes great!!  ;D

My woman isn't like that though because she has worked around a lot of men all her life and know how we think (of better the lack of thinking  ;D )
I am lucky!!

And where did you find such a lovely girl? Does she have a sister? ::)

HA HA !! Many people ask me that!
No, she doesn't. I think if she did, she might have not turned out that way because of the increased female presence . . . ;)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: tundra_flier on February 22, 2007, 07:20:47 PM
Definitions of a Bachelor

* One who avoids Bride-Eyed women.

* One who believes in Life, Liberty and the Happiness of Pursuit.

* One who can go fishing anytime, until he gets hooked.

* One who can't be Spouse-Broken.

* One who knows how to hold a woman's hand so that she doesn't get a grip on him.

* One who leans toward a woman but not far enough to fall.

* One who, when a girl asks him for a Diamond Ring, turns Stone-Deaf.

* One who would rather mend his socks than his ways.

Hmmm...sounds pretty familiar...I think I resemble that.   8)

Phil
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on February 24, 2007, 12:13:06 PM
the importance of having sex with the partner before marriage..............

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8FnnTPzeT-k

Enjoy!  ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Ted_Stryker on February 24, 2007, 01:18:49 PM
the importance of having sex with the partner before marriage..............

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8FnnTPzeT-k

Enjoy!  ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl::

Yipes!!!  Yeah... that's a sobering one alright!!!!   Whew!!!!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Baradium on February 24, 2007, 08:49:55 PM
the importance of having sex with the partner before marriage..............

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8FnnTPzeT-k

Enjoy!  ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl::

Yipes!!!  Yeah... that's a sobering one alright!!!!   Whew!!!!


I'm afraid to look at that one...
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on February 24, 2007, 09:56:12 PM
I'm afraid to look at that one...

Hehe! if you are, just remember what I said: have sex with your partner before marriage so that you will not have any surprise........ ::whistle:: ::whistle::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: TheSoccerMom on February 25, 2007, 01:42:11 AM
HA HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

GOOD ONE.  I HAVE SENT IT TO ALL THE TWISTED PILOTS I KNOW. 

HEY WAIT  ----  THAT'S REDUNDANT......

 8)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Baradium on February 25, 2007, 01:51:13 AM
Ok, I looked...

That's just soooo wrong....
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on February 25, 2007, 02:40:26 AM
HA HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

GOOD ONE.  I HAVE SENT IT TO ALL THE TWISTED PILOTS I KNOW. 

HEY WAIT  ----  THAT'S REDUNDANT......

 8)

that's funny, mom!

might be a case for the "DEPARTMENT OF REDUNDANCY DEPARTMENT"                     
 ::rofl:: ::drinking::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on March 05, 2007, 10:00:44 AM
George went on a vacation to the Middle East with his family, including his mother-in-law. During their vacation in Jerusalem, George's mother-in-law died. With the death certificate in his hand, George went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the United States for a proper burial. The Consul told George that to send the body back to the United States for burial is very, very expensive. It could cost him as much as $5,000.00. The Consul told him, in most cases the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body here in Jerusalem. This would only cost him $150.00. George thinks for some time and answers, "I don't care how much it will cost to send the body back, that's what I want to do." The Consul says, "You must have loved your mother-in-law very much considering the difference in price". "No, it's not that," says George. "You see, I know of a case many, many years ago of a man that was buried here in Jerusalem. On the third day he arose from the dead! I just can't take that chance..............."  ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Baradium on March 05, 2007, 10:13:08 AM
I've heard the mother-in-law one before, but it's still good!  ;)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: gibbo_335 on March 08, 2007, 01:33:53 AM
Are Blonde jokes allowed in here?
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Frank N. O. on March 08, 2007, 02:03:08 AM
Are Blonde jokes allowed in here?
Well, try to see what jokes Firegirl have posted in the past and then take a look at her picture in the Show Your Picture thread  :D

Frank
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: gibbo_335 on March 08, 2007, 02:22:39 AM
Are Blonde jokes allowed in here?
Well, try to see what jokes Firegirl have posted in the past and then take a look at her picture in the Show Your Picture thread  :D

Frank

Good to see Firegirl has a good sense of humour then!!!  ;D

A beautiful blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started.

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a Rooster."

 Her boyfriend decides to go over and help her with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a Rooster."

 He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax.  Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then.....", he said with a deep sigh, ...

 "Let's put all these Corn Flakes back in the box."

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Ted_Stryker on March 08, 2007, 10:31:23 AM
Not sure if this one was posted before.... but.....


Did you hear about the beautiful blonde passenger that got on the plane?   She plunked herself down in the first class section, and sat contentedly.   Her assigned seat in coach sitting empty as a result.

Pushing back from the gate the flight attendants do the cross check and the one for first class says to her, "Miss, I'm sorry, but it looks like your seat is in the coach section.  I'll have to ask you to move please."

The blonde looks at the attendant, and politely says, "That's okay.   I'm fine here."

The attendant says, "I'm sorry, perhaps you don't realize.  Your assigned seat is in the coach section.  You didn't pay for this seat, so you have to move."

The blonde simply looks at her and says; "That's okay.   I am really fine here."

Somewhat exasperated, the flight attendant goes and tells the lead of the issue.   She too then goes to the blonde and says; "Miss, I'm really sorry, but you do have to move to your other seat."

The blonde, getting a bit more aggressive about it now says; "Look, the seat here was empty.  I'm blonde, beautiful, and I don't have to do anything I don't want to.  So there!"

Seeing that she is getting nowhere fast, the head flight attendant calls the cockpit; "Captain, we have an issue back here with a passenger.  She won't move from first class to her coach seat."

The Captain says; "Well, we're on hold for a bit at the gate, I'll see if I can do anything."

Entering the first class area, the Captain sees the flight attendants, and the passenger.... smiling... he goes over to the passenger... whispers in her ear.

To the other flight attendants amazement, the blonde says; "Well, why didn't anyone just tell me that before!  Thanks!", and moves to her assigned seat.

The attendants turn to the Captain and say; "What did you tell her?   She wouldn't move for us!"

The Captain said; "I used to have a blonde girlfriend.   I simply told her that first class wasn't going to Chicago!"

 ;D ;D



Once
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Turbomallard on March 09, 2007, 03:02:31 AM


 
The Preachers Son
 
An old southern country preacher form Georgia had a teenage son named
David (AKA Rosebud) and it was getting time the boy should give some
thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn't
really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about
it.
 
One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an
experiment.
 
He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:
-  a Bible, -  a silver dollar, -  a bottle of whiskey and -  a Playboy
magazine
 
I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself, "and
when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he
picks up. If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and
what a blessing that would be!  If he picks up the dollar, he's going to
be a businessman, and that would be OK. But if picks up the bottle, he's
going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame that would be.
And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine he's gonna be a
skirt-chasin' bum."
 
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he
entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his
books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the
objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to
inspect them.
 
Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked
up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the
bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month's Centerfold.
 
"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered, "he's gonna
be a fighter pilot."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Baradium on March 10, 2007, 02:06:18 AM

 
Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked
up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the
bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month's Centerfold.
 
"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered, "he's gonna
be a fighter pilot."


 ::rofl::

That's a great one!    hehehehe
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on March 10, 2007, 09:56:30 PM
Three Girls Go Camping   

    
One day three women went camping - a blonde, a brunette and a redhead. The blonde suddenly had to go to the bathroom. She went into the woods with her toilet paper to do her business.
While she was gone, the brunette and the redhead decided to play a joke on her. They skinned a rabbit and snuck up on the blonde, put the guts behind her and ran back to the campsite. Three minutes later they heard a scream.

Then they waited another half an hour and the blonde came back, sweating. She said, "I had to poop so hard I pooped my guts out. But thanks to God and these two fingers, I stuffed them back in."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on March 10, 2007, 09:58:39 PM
One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."

Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Frank N. O. on March 13, 2007, 09:42:28 AM
A wide variety of jokes there! Here's a simple one, just heard it on the radio, although I'm not sure if I've posted it before:
"It's the early bird that gets the worm but it's the second mouse that gets the cheese"

Old aviation jokes but I still enjoy reading them:

PILOT : Tower,request permission to enter zone XY.
TOWER : Negative!
PILOT : Did you say negative ?
TOWER : Affirmative
PILOT : Understood affirmative.I will call you leaving the zone.


This one is funny in relation to some talks in another thread here regarding ATC
TOWER: PH-ABC, check you have the gear down?
PILOT: Sir, it has been down since this aircraft was built.


Frank
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on March 13, 2007, 11:49:33 PM
Zambian Roulette   

    
As usual, things were not going well at the United Nations. Thus, many visiting ambassadors had to room together. It just so happend that Vladimir, the Russian Ambassador, and Umballa, the Zambian Ambassador, were sharing a suite. To pass the time, Vladimir introduced his fellow dignitary to the Russian game of roulette. He produced an antique Soviet revolver, and a single bullet. It took a while, but he was finally able to explain the gist of the game to Umballa. Intrigued and excited, Umballa loved the...game. By the time the U.N. meeting was over, the two had become fast friends. As they parted company at the airport, Umballa told Vladimir, ''One day, you must visit my country, and try our version of your roulette.''
A year later, Vladimir was in Zambia, and looked up his old friend. Umballa remembered him, and welcomed him with open arms.
''I have come, my comrade, to try your game.''
''Very well. Come with me.'' Umballa took his friend before six, buck-naked bush women. ''Pick one. Any one. And she will give you a blowjob.''
''But my friend, where is the danger in this?''
Umballa replied with a toothy smile, ''One of them is a.......cannibal.''
  >:D >:D >:D >:D

       
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on March 14, 2007, 09:08:09 PM
7 DEGREES OF BLONDE

`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:

1st DEGREE

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the  morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the
phone, listened a moment and said "How should  I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung  up.
The husband said, "Who was that?"
 
The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."


`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:

2nd DEGREE

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and  leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the  mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." 
 
The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!"
 
So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-

3rd DEGREE
 
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The  boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"
The  blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:

4th DEGREE

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."
 
A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of  Wisconsin?"
 
The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."

`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:

5th DEGREE

What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
 
"Is it  mine?"

`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-

6th DEGREE

Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about. Bambi pondered the  question then finally said, "That was the decision George
Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware"

`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:

7th DEGREE

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and  reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a  K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to  respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the  porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all  my possessions stolen. I call the police for help,  and what do they do?  They send me a BLIND policeman!!"
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on March 14, 2007, 09:38:17 PM
7 DEGREES OF BLONDE

`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:

1st DEGREE

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the  morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the
phone, listened a moment and said "How should  I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung  up.
The husband said, "Who was that?"
 
The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."

that's sagacious! :)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on March 18, 2007, 09:29:07 PM
Deer Superintendent,

I waunt to apply for the secritary job what I saw in the paper.
can Type real quik wit one finggar and do sum a-counting.
I think I am good on the phone and no I am a pepole person,
Pepole really seam to respond to me well.
Im lookin for a Jobb as a secritary but it  musent be to complicaited
I no my spelling is not to good but find that I Offen can get a job
thru my persinalety.

My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you
think that I am werth, I can start imeditely. Thank you in advanse
fore yore anser.
hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.


Sinseerly,
Peggy May Starlings

PS : Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me
taken at my last jobb.


Employer's response:......

Dear Peggy May,

It's OK honey, we've got spell check!
We will see you
On Monday Morning !!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Panzerrat on March 18, 2007, 11:02:02 PM
Three guys are sitting in the office moaning about their St. Patrick's day weekend benders. 

The first guy says "I was so drunk, I fell asleep in the bathtub after urinating in it!"

The second guy says "I was so drunk, I parked the car in the neighbor's garage, peed in the sink, and fell asleep in my daughter's bed!"

The third guy says "I was so drunk, I got home and blew chunks!"

The other two say "That doesn't sound too bad!"

He replies "You guys don't understand, Chunks is my dog!"
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on March 19, 2007, 02:50:05 AM
7 DEGREES OF BLONDE

`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:

1st DEGREE

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the  morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the
phone, listened a moment and said "How should  I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung  up.
The husband said, "Who was that?"
 
The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."

that's sagacious! :)

Sagacious? That's a big word! Remember we're all pilots here. Big words are not allowed :D :D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on March 20, 2007, 01:44:30 AM
i'd like to second that!

we just know "cool" or "awesome" (which is already a big word also....)

 ;D :D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Baradium on March 20, 2007, 04:59:51 AM
i'd like to second that!

we just know "cool" or "awesome" (which is already a big word also....)

 ;D :D

That makes me think of the movie "Tiny Toons: Summer Vacation" from when I was little.   

About marrying all of the guy's daughters at once:   "I can't do that!  That's bigamy!"

Father:  "No it's not,  it's big a' ME!"


Not as bad as it sounds, it's all cartoon animals, he's a rabbit and they are all croc's....  "marriage" seems more like "lunch" in the story line.

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on March 20, 2007, 07:21:08 AM
i'd like to second that!

we just know "cool" or "awesome" (which is already a big word also....)

 ;D :D

No need to understand: I was just trying not to sound a blonde! ;) :)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Baradium on March 20, 2007, 07:43:34 AM
i'd like to second that!

we just know "cool" or "awesome" (which is already a big word also....)

 ;D :D

No need to understand: I was just trying not to sound a blonde! ;) :)


Wouldn't a blonde have just asked where the joke was?    :D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on March 20, 2007, 01:09:22 PM
i'd like to second that!

we just know "cool" or "awesome" (which is already a big word also....)

 ;D :D

No need to understand: I was just trying not to sound a blonde! ;) :)


Wouldn't a blonde have just asked where the joke was?    :D

Probably. but I wanted to sound much more intellectual. since I changed my hair colour and I currently am a brunette, I wanted to show the AI factor: artificial intelligence........
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Baradium on March 20, 2007, 08:04:29 PM

Probably. but I wanted to sound much more intellectual. since I changed my hair colour and I currently am a brunette, I wanted to show the AI factor: artificial intelligence........

That's a good one!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on March 21, 2007, 04:49:29 AM
i'd like to second that!

we just know "cool" or "awesome" (which is already a big word also....)

 ;D :D

No need to understand: I was just trying not to sound a blonde! ;) :)


Wouldn't a blonde have just asked where the joke was?    :D

Probably. but I wanted to sound much more intellectual. since I changed my hair colour and I currently am a brunette, I wanted to show the AI factor: artificial intelligence........

Or BP. BLONDE POWER!!!!!!!! ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: gibbo_335 on March 22, 2007, 01:37:09 AM
QUESTION:
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend version 7.0 to Wife version 1.0.  I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up allot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0 , Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favourite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!
Thanks,
A Troubled User.

REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men complain about. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an  OPERATING SYSTEM. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0 , Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5 Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 ! Â WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: airtac on March 25, 2007, 04:09:16 PM
Here's one for my favorite Idaho pilot (she knows who she be)

        Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given
>their new wives duties.
>
>The first man had married a Woman from Colorado and had told her that she
>was going to do dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple days, but on
>the third day he came home to a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
>
>The second man had married a woman from Nebraska He had given his wife
>orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. The
>first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better.
>By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and
>there was a huge dinner on the table.
>
>The third man had married a girl from Idaho He told her that her duties
>were to keep the house cleaned,
>dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for
>every meal. He said the
>first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything,
>but by the third day some of
>the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye,
>enough to fix himself a bite to
>eat and load the dishwasher

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Baradium on March 25, 2007, 06:46:21 PM
Here's one for my favorite Idaho pilot (she knows who she be)


 ::rofl::

Oldie but a goodie.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: TheSoccerMom on March 25, 2007, 09:29:42 PM
Heh, heh, heh....  I LIKE that joke!!!   ;D

I think I resemble that remark!!   ;)

I am so glad you are back, quit spilling that Jack Daniels on the keyboard and keep typing buddy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 ::drinking::     ::drinking::     ::drinking::     ::drinking::

P.S.  Remind me sometime to tell you my chainsaw stories.....   ;) 
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on March 27, 2007, 12:46:03 AM

P.S.  Remind me sometime to tell you my chainsaw stories.....   ;) 


uhmmm  ::) for those you might have switch to a "chainsaw forum"  ::)  ::sulk::



HA HA!!! Just kidding! ::wave::

I think I speak for all of us whenI say we all wanna hear the chainsaw stories !!! (*insert intrigued smiley*)  ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on March 27, 2007, 12:56:54 AM
 ::wave::

 
Subject: Last Child Support Check
 
 
Today is my baby girl's 18 birthday. I am so glad that this will be my last child support payment! Month after month, year after year, all those damn payments!
 
So I called my daughter, Lilly, and told her to come over to my house. And when she got there, I said ...
 
"I want you to take this check over to your mom's house and tell her that this is the last check she ever be getting from me, and I want you to come back and tell me the expression on your mom's face."
 
So Lilly takes the check over to her moms house. I am anxious to hear what she would say and what her face looks like.
 
When my daughter walked back through the door I said, "Now what did your mom say about that?"
 
She said to tell you that "You ain't my daddy" .... and watch the espression on your face.

 :o ::unbelieveable:: ::eek:: ::sick:: ::banghead::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on March 27, 2007, 07:02:03 AM
A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted mens barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, "What's the camel for?".
The Sergeant replied "Well sir it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel."
The captain said "Well if it's good for moral, then I guess it's all right with me."
After he had been at the fort for about 6 months the captain could not stand it any more so he told his Sergeant, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!"
The sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captains quarters. The captain got a foot stool & proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied,
down from the stool, and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?"
The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town to the brothel."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Turbomallard on March 27, 2007, 02:40:35 PM
This speaks for itself:

http://www.theregister.co.uk/2007/03/27/cattle_class/

TM
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Frank N. O. on March 27, 2007, 02:59:51 PM
Wow, this is definately one place where women and men alike are equal, wicked jokes that would make mechanics gag!

Jim: Great one! That's what I call a DocuJoke. It's a joke, but it's also real :D Idaho women sound great! 8)

Soccermom: Is that a purple bunny in your latest avatar? Or is a My Little Pony or whatever that tv-show/toy-line was called?

TM: LOL I wonder if that was shown in their docusoap as well (called Airline, as opposed to Airport that was around Heathrow Airport)?
Maybe the apology would go something like this: EasyJet extends apology for classing all elderly people as livestock, that was a mistake, this only goes for mother-in-laws.  ::rofl:: ::rofl::

Frank
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: airtac on March 27, 2007, 05:00:55 PM
GEE, that sounds like me with a British accent--Calling my house to sell something is not conducive to a fullfilling career day! ::knockedout::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on March 27, 2007, 05:27:33 PM
Maybe the apology would go something like this: EasyJet extends apology for classing all elderly people as livestock, that was a mistake, this only goes for mother-in-laws.  ::rofl:: ::rofl::


this is excellent!  ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Gulfstream Driver on March 28, 2007, 04:06:07 PM
Hey, Jim!  Good to see you're back.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Firegirl on March 28, 2007, 07:33:59 PM
I was told my roots are Irish and it was St. Patricks day the other day so here we go:


 Voted Best Joke in Ireland 2006



John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!


He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of
the night" She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said,
Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.


The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at
the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

 She said,  "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself.  You
know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell
asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him
come."

 ::wave:: ::angel::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: TheSoccerMom on March 28, 2007, 07:42:52 PM
Oh MAN, that is GOOD!!!   :D     :D     :D     :D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: tundra_flier on March 28, 2007, 07:52:57 PM
On a similar Note...

The value of a Catholic education and a #2 pencil

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School.
Usually she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was  sleeping.
"Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?"

When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend
sitting
behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the
rear.


"God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret.


The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class.

A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and
Savior?"

But Mary didn't stir from her slumber Once again,
Johnny came to her
rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt.


"Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said,
"Very good," and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.

  The Nun asked her a third question..."What did Eve say to Adam after
she
had her twenty-third child?"


Again, Johnny came to the rescue.


This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that
damn
thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

The nun fainted........... ::eek::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Frank N. O. on March 28, 2007, 09:01:23 PM
As the danish comic who got Tony Curtis to come out of retirement to play a sissy FBI chief in a corny (but funny) danish movie once said as his trademark: Great god almighty on horseback! (translated from danish). That was one heck of a joke! And it's actually houseclean, except the thing that the catholic schoolgirl took the lord's name in vain (at least I think that's how it goes and what she did).

Frank
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: airtac on March 29, 2007, 01:41:49 AM
Hey, Jim!  Good to see you're back.
THANKS, are you in defrost mode yet up yonder?   Is Mrs Gulfstream still liking the teaching duties and have you  melded into the community?    Howz the family and are you expecting more yet or are you just in practice mode?
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: tundra_flier on April 03, 2007, 04:24:27 AM
Hey, Jim!  Good to see you're back.
THANKS, are you in defrost mode yet up yonder?   Is Mrs Gulfstream still liking the teaching duties and have you  melded into the community?    Howz the family and are you expecting more yet or are you just in practice mode?

Hmmmm.. the face is familiar...but I can't place the name.... ::thinking::

Welcome back!

Phil
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Gulfstream Driver on April 03, 2007, 07:40:56 PM
Hey, Jim!  Good to see you're back.
THANKS, are you in defrost mode yet up yonder?   Is Mrs Gulfstream still liking the teaching duties and have you  melded into the community?    Howz the family and are you expecting more yet or are you just in practice mode?

Well, as I sit typing, we've got 1/2SM vis in moderate snow with 18F temps.  It was really nice for a couple of weeks, but today was the coldest I've been all winter due to a stiff north wind.  The ice is starting to break up, though.  Someone put a truck in the lake last week.   :D

Mrs. Gulf likes the teaching but is frustrated with the administration.  Music takes a back seat to sports even in the spring.  The kid is working on an ear infection, but is good otherwise, and the one on the way is doing just fine.  Should be here in late June.

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Frank N. O. on April 03, 2007, 11:25:10 PM
I just heard this radio-ad while waiting in the car, it's for Air Nordic and a lady's voice says the following (translated from danish of course): (Spoken like a stereotypical flight attendant onbard an airplane in flight) "We'll shortly be serving champagne in first class so could the passengers in couch class please keep the racket down and if you need to use the bathroom then please use the small bag in the seatback in front of you." (in a different tone) "There is no class-difference at Air Nordic, all passengers get the same benefits."
Aw man I thought that was great  ::rofl::

Frank
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Baradium on April 04, 2007, 06:32:26 AM
(http://photos-506.ak.facebook.com/ip002/v64/45/7/167200146/n167200146_30092506_2225.jpg)

(http://photos-556.ak.facebook.com/ip002/v64/45/7/167200146/n167200146_30092556_3735.jpg)

(http://photos-522.ak.facebook.com/ip002/v64/45/7/167200146/n167200146_30092522_8191.jpg)

(http://tundracomics.com/strips/2005-12-13.gif)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: BrianGMFS on April 04, 2007, 09:33:59 AM
That last one needs a good caption..... "Hmmm, Tastes just like chicken...."  Since I am owned by several German Shepherds, and two of them think cats are a light snack, it's appropriate  ::rofl::


Brian
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: TheSoccerMom on April 04, 2007, 06:35:55 PM
"Learn to Fly Here":

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: tundra_flier on April 05, 2007, 03:07:14 AM
Must be a "crash" course Mom.   ;D  ::rofl::

Phil
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: TheSoccerMom on April 05, 2007, 05:12:46 AM
Oh Phil -- you got me!!  Never even saw that coming!!  (Just like the TREE....)   :D

Cheers!!!   :)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Yuppie01 on April 05, 2007, 12:46:53 PM
Well the arrow was pointing "over there".  I guess the plane was just trying to learn in the wrong place???
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Gulfstream Driver on April 06, 2007, 02:56:47 PM
That pic was sent to me in an e-mail once.  There's a thread here about it.

http://www.chickenwingscomics.com/forum/index.php?topic=482.15
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on April 06, 2007, 11:44:23 PM
why men need post-its !!
What a great commercial!!

(must have been after a night of getting doused with beer!!)  ;)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: TheSoccerMom on April 07, 2007, 12:37:49 AM
HA HA!!!!!  That is funny!! 

AND -- IT'S JANE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  even better!!    ;D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: TheSoccerMom on April 07, 2007, 12:39:38 AM
(And there's a reason women don't need to do the same...  ahem....)    ;)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on April 07, 2007, 12:56:31 AM
(And there's a reason women don't need to do the same...  ahem....)    ;)

OUCH!!!! :D :D :D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: airtac on April 07, 2007, 03:27:58 AM
(And there's a reason women don't need to do the same...  ahem....)    ;)

OH YEAH-RIGHT !!!  Now yer goin' ta lecture us about virtuous behavior, morals, etc, etc.---- ::banghead::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: TheSoccerMom on April 07, 2007, 03:36:39 AM
Hee hee hee hee HEEEEEE...........  I am sitting here LAUGHING...  just knew I could get a remark out of you Dear!!!!       :D

 ;)     ;)      ;)     ;)     ;)     ;)      ;)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: airtac on April 07, 2007, 03:45:32 AM
Hee hee hee hee HEEEEEE...........  I am sitting here LAUGHING...  just knew I could get a remark out of you Dear!!!!       :D

 ;)     ;)      ;)     ;)     ;)     ;)      ;)
So you think you got me figured out you little devil !!! >:D >:D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: TheSoccerMom on April 07, 2007, 04:18:31 AM
Oh, I never have men figured out -- I just tell myself I do!!!!!!!!!!!!!    ::bow::

Here's one I wish I would have thought of.......   it'd be good to do to the cars at work....   heh heh.................    >:D       >:D

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Frank N. O. on April 07, 2007, 01:51:31 PM
I got a rough draft for a joke but I'm not sure if I created it or I heard it from some place but it goes like this: I just flew in from (insert a place long away from the setting of the joke) and man are my arms tired! (possible look or comment from the other person, depending on if it's a comic or written joke) Pilot again: Yeah my plane doesn't have an autopilot.
Of course for some here that's probably not a joke but a fact :D

Not really a joke but I was wondering, for those of you that have a mobile phone (aka cell-phone) do you have it playing the start of Danger Zone as a ring-signal? I can just picture it!  ::rofl::

And also, has anyone made a call in a pilot lounge for Lt. Pete Mitchell? (that's Maverick right?) Almost like the calls for Moe in The Simpsons (which were based on real prank-calls according to what I heard). Another nice one could be to play Danger Zone or the Top Gun anthem and see if any pilots reacted :D That reminds me of the scene in Hot Shots in the briefing where the pilots strikes poses with footballs, scarfs flying in the wind etc.  ::rofl::

Frank
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: TheSoccerMom on April 10, 2007, 05:19:40 AM
Frank, we had a pilot a few years ago who was, shall we say, rather enamored of HIMSELF, and always wore his flightsuit everywhere, so women (and everyone, really!) would know he was a PILOT.......  barf, barf....   ::loony::

He was a nice enough guy, but of course the guys labeled him "Maverick" and he was the unkowing recipient of a lot of jokes....  it's a long story, but "Maverick" isn't something any of our guys wants to be known as....   and he really did ask for 99% of it.   ;D 

   
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: TheSoccerMom on April 10, 2007, 05:23:21 AM
Here's an Oldie but Goodie, from Air & Space Magazine.........

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: BrianGMFS on April 10, 2007, 02:48:30 PM
I was thinking of some of the funnier tricks and not so bright moments in my Fire/EMS/Aviation career. When I was on the Fire Dept. I'd have a new member help me with the weekly truck checks. the first think I'd do is tell them to go check the spark plugs on the ladder truck (which had a Diesel engine). after about 10 minutes they'd come back saying that there weren't any because it was a diesel (someone smart for a change) or that they were fine after crawling around under the hood looking for them (not the brightest light bulb in the pack ::loony:: ). I also had a Probie whom I asked to get me an axe, he made 3 laps around the truck looking for one. He came back and said there wasn't one on the truck. I said really?? as I nonchalantly walked up to the rear step of the pumper, reached out and removed the axe from it's mounting bracket. From the look on his face you would have thought I was Houdini and had produced an elephant from thin air  ::rofl::

When I worked on the ambulance, things got a little more creative. A good one was to sneak into another Dept's ambulance at the hospital and reset a few things. Most US built ambulances have a master battery switch that when shut off kills the entire electrical system in the truck. Sooooo, I'd make sure the switch was off, turn the defroster on high, all the warning lights on and put the siren on "Yelp" and walk away. When the crew returned to the ambulance they would usually hop in the cab and snap on the battery switch..... Resulting in an impressive sound and light show in the small ambulance garage/loading dock at the hospital ;D

One I had played on me was another crew used the white bandage tape to tape shut the drivers door on the rig, then took a black magic marker to draw the outline of the door to camouflage the tape (our ambulances were painted white) I reached up grabbed the door handle and promptly fell on my backside when I tried to open the door and it wouldn't budge. :P I figured out who did it and planned my revenge >:D I took a bag of IV solution, and set it under the left front tire. then I ran the tubing up the inside of the door so the end of the tube was pointed at the driver. As soon at the truck started to move a high pressure jet of saline sprayed the offending EMT in the face...... His Partner thought it was hilarious.... As did the ER staff ::rofl::

Brian

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Firegirl on April 10, 2007, 06:46:54 PM
Subject: Murphy's Law, et al

Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.

Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will land on its sharp edge or roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability:
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of the Telephone:
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.


Variation Law:
If you change lines or lanes, the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now.

Law of the Bath :
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Bio mechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of the Theatre:
At any event, the people whose seats are farthest from the aisle arrive last.

Law of Coffee:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, someone will call you and
the call will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers:
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Rugs/Carpets:
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor
covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Location:
No matter where you go, there you are!

Law of Logical Argument*:
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Brown's Law:
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Oliver's Law:
A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Lupton's Law:
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.


(* this one I've often experienced in aviation! ...."Chuck, is that you?")
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: tundra_flier on April 10, 2007, 07:58:38 PM
(And there's a reason women don't need to do the same...  ahem....)    ;)

OH YEAH-RIGHT !!!  Now yer goin' ta lecture us about virtuous behavior, morals, etc, etc.---- ::banghead::

Naw, she just knows that when looking at a naked woman men don't really care what she calls us.   >:D   ::banghead::

Phil
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: TheSoccerMom on April 10, 2007, 09:10:30 PM
Ha ha Phil -- you're getting warmer!!  (No pun intended).

Actually, I am trying to get tuned back up for fire season, so am trying to see everything in a lewd and lascivious light..  heh heh...  it's required about as much as using a checklist, you know....

I just figured the sticky on the GUY's forehead would just say "Stupid".....

FIRE AWAY, I know I'm gonna get it for this one!!     ::rambo::   SHOOT HER, SHOOT HER.....

But -- like I said --- I gotta get tuned up for fire season...   pretty soon it'll be time to walk into the lions' den and take on the task of keeping up with 86 crazy jumpers............ 

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: tundra_flier on April 11, 2007, 12:58:56 AM
Then maybe you're implying that women just don't care who their in bed with  ::thinking::   ::cowboy::

Phil
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: TheSoccerMom on April 11, 2007, 01:04:12 AM
Naw...  but I'll admit, any guy who hangs around ME would have the "Stupid" sticker on his forehead..  I'll be honest here!!!!!!!     ::bow::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: tundra_flier on April 11, 2007, 02:07:07 AM
Are you suggesting any guy would HAVE to be stupid to hang around with you?   ::silly::
Or that your sense of humor is such that you'd enjoy watching a guy walk around with a stupid sign on his forhead?  ::sulk::

Phil   ::cowboy::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: TheSoccerMom on April 11, 2007, 02:51:35 AM
Oh dear....  Uhhhh...

Choice "C" -- ALL OF THE ABOVE!!!!    ::whistle::

 ;)    ;)    ;)    ;)    ;)    ;)    ;)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: airtac on April 11, 2007, 03:04:16 PM
Oh dear....  Uhhhh...

Choice "C" -- ALL OF THE ABOVE!!!!    ::whistle::

 ;)    ;)    ;)    ;)    ;)    ;)    ;)
NOT HARDLY S'MOM,
You be OK to hang with anytime anywhere---certainly my choice of pals  ::bow::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: TheSoccerMom on April 11, 2007, 06:45:27 PM
Ha ha, THANKS Airtac!!!!  (Is, er, your mailing address the same?  Your $20 is on the way....)    ;D

 ;D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: airtac on April 11, 2007, 08:50:29 PM
Ha ha, THANKS Airtac!!!!  (Is, er, your mailing address the same?  Your $20 is on the way....)    ;D

 ;D
Forget the 20 bucks----After all, we did share a breakfast---(let them wonder about that ::) )
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: gibbo_335 on April 11, 2007, 10:38:55 PM
Ha ha, THANKS Airtac!!!!  (Is, er, your mailing address the same?  Your $20 is on the way....)    ;D

 ;D
Forget the 20 bucks----After all, we did share a breakfast---(let them wonder about that ::) )

Breakfast.....together....in the NUNNERY!!...OMG  ::eek:: the rumours will be rife!!!!! ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: gibbo_335 on April 12, 2007, 12:23:15 AM
Seeing as how I work with Engineers...

Understanding Engineers - Take One

Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when  one
said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer  replied,
"Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own  business, when a
beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the  ground, took off all
her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The  second engineer nodded
approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have
fitted you anyway."


Understanding Engineers - Take Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass  is
half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.


Understanding Engineers - Take Three

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with  those
blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed
in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"  The priest said,
"Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with  him." He said,
"Hello, George! What's wrong with that group ahead of us?
They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes.
That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our
clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free
anytime." The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said,  "That's so
sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."  The doctor
said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see
if there's anything he can do for them." The  engineer said, "Why can't
they play at night?"


Understanding Engineers - Take Four

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.


Understanding Engineers - Take Five

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"


Understanding Engineers - Take Six

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible
designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical  engineer. Just
look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer.
The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last
one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else
would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area ?"


Understanding Engineers - Take Seven

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers
believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.


Understanding Engineers - Take Eight

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him  and
said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He  bent over,
picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke  up again and
said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful  princess, I will
stay with you for one week." The engineer took the  frog out of his pocket,
smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.  The frog then cried out, "If
you kiss me and turn me back into a  Princess, I'll stay with you for one
week and do ANYTHING you want."  Again, the engineer took the frog out,
smiled at it and put it back  into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked,
"What is the matter? I've  told you I'm a beautiful princess, and that I'll
stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss
me?" The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a
girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: TheSoccerMom on April 12, 2007, 01:18:38 AM
Forget the 20 bucks----After all, we did share a breakfast---(let them wonder about that ::) )

Heeeeeeeeee heeeeeeeeeee, oooh, OUI, mon cher!!!!     ;)           ;)

You shoulda seen the Mother Superior's face, Gibbo!!!!!!!!    :D

 ;)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: tundra_flier on April 12, 2007, 05:04:14 AM
Quote
Understanding Engineers - Take Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass  is
half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

No, the glass obviously has a 50% safty factor  ::sulk::

Phil  ::rambo::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: gibbo_335 on April 12, 2007, 05:30:56 AM
Is there any other type?? ...ahem to an Engineer ::silly::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on April 13, 2007, 07:01:24 PM
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the
batteries are getting dead?
:
: Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is
not enough money?
:
: Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars,
but check when you say the paint is wet?
:
: Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
:
: Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
:
: Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
:
: Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a
revolver at him?
:
: Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
:
: Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
:
: If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
:
: Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are
always white?
:
: Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
:
: Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that
something new to eat will have materialized?
:
: Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum
cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to
: give the vacuum one more chance?
:
: Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
:
: How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
:
: When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping
cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all
: right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you
stupid idiot?"
:
: Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off
the table you always manage to knock something else over?
:
: In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when
we complained about the heat?
:
: How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
:
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on April 15, 2007, 02:28:12 PM
"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night. "
Rodney Dangerfield

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
Lynn Lavner

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."   

Camille Paglia

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are unimportant."
George Burns

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship."     

Sharon Stone

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men.

Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
Tiger Woods

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
Jack Nicholson

" Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
Barbara Bush

(Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
Robin Williams

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place"
Billy Crystal


"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
Robert De Niro


"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
Dustin Hoffman

 

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked !"
Jerry Seinfeld

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
Robin Williams

"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom."
Joan Rivers   

 

"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy."
Steve Martin


" You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-..aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life."
Elmo Phillips

" Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
Oscar Wilde


" It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."
George Burns

 
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on April 15, 2007, 02:35:25 PM
An old southern country preacher from Georgia had a teenage son named David and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:

- a Bible,

- a silver dollar,

- a bottle of whisky and

- a Playboy magazine

I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself, "and when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up. If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a Businessman, and that would be OK, But if picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame that would be.
And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine he's gonna be a skirt-chasin' bum."

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.
Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month's Centerfold.

"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered, "he's gonna be a pilot!"
(http://i76.photobucket.com/albums/j35/helokat/h025.gif)


Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: airtac on April 15, 2007, 02:38:34 PM
"he's gonna be a pilot"
HAAAAHAAAHAHA ::bow:: ::rofl::
NOW THAT'S GOOD !! (there's so much truth in humor)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on April 16, 2007, 05:54:28 PM
Due to a high rate of disorderly conduct due to alcohol consumption at company picnics, we have made a policy of only 1 cup of alcohol per person.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Fabo on April 17, 2007, 06:29:55 AM
Nice mornings laugh made my day :D  ::wave::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: airtac on April 17, 2007, 12:52:12 PM
Must have been washing down those T-Rex drumsticks Mike was talking about ::drinking::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on April 17, 2007, 09:10:21 PM
Saw this in the German "Fliegermagazin". Pretty cute!

Pilot:     >>Cincinnati Ground, Cargo 2974, we don't know where we are parking.<<
Ground: >> Cargo 2974, Indy Ground, aparently you don't know where you landed either.<<
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on April 17, 2007, 09:23:10 PM
I did not have a lot of time lately :( (I still don't actually! :( :( ) and see that I've quite ignored the thread. so, here we are...............

Enjoy!

An elderly lady goes into the doctor and tells him - "Doctor, I don't know what the problem is, but I've been farting all the time. It's not really a problem socially because they don't make any noise and don't smell. I just can't stop farting all the time. In fact while I've been in here I must have farted at least 20 times."

The doctor nods and gives her some pills. "Here take these for two weeks and come see me again when you are done."

So she takes the pills and returns two weeks later as instructed. Infuriated, she confronted the doctor. "What kind of medicine is this? I'm still farting just as much? They still don't make any noise, but now they stink terribly!"

The doctor nodded, "It's alright, now that we have your sinus' cleared up, we'll work on your hearing next!"
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on April 17, 2007, 09:24:49 PM
A petty thief, a teacher and a lawyer die and go to heaven.

When they get there they are stopped by St. Peter, who then says, "Sorry, heaven's crowding up, so you need to answer a question correctly, or else you can't get in."

He looks at the teacher, and asks her: "What was the name of the famous ocean-liner that sank after hitting an iceberg?" "Oh, that's easy," the teacher replied, "the Titanic." So St. Peter let her into heaven.

Next he turned to the petty thief. "How many people died on that ship?" St. Peter asked. "Oooh, that's tough, but I saw the movie, and it was 1, 500." St. Peter stepped away and the thief walked into heaven.

Finally, St. Peter turned to the lawyer. He simply said to him: "Name them."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Baradium on April 18, 2007, 06:48:53 AM
He simply said to him: "Name them."

 ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl::


Good ones!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: airtac on April 18, 2007, 08:27:26 PM
I liked the one about farts---reminded me of when I first got my hearing aids,  ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: undatc on April 19, 2007, 06:07:10 PM
Forget all that stuff about lift, gravity, thrust and drag. An airplane flies because of money. If God  had meant man to fly, He'd have given him more money. -- Author Unknown

Instrument flying is an unnatural act probably punishable by God. -- Gordon Baxter

The purpose of the propeller is to keep a pilot cool. If you think not, stop the propeller and watch him sweat. -- Author Unknown

The similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?
If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies.
If ATC screws up, the pilot dies.

Asking what a pilot thinks about the FAA is like asking a fire hydrant what it thinks about dogs.

Why did God invent women when airplanes were so much fun?

A male pilot is a confused soul who talks about women when he's flying, and about flying when he's with a woman.

The RF-4E Phantom - living proof that if you put enough engine on something . . . even a brick could fly.

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: undatc on April 19, 2007, 06:17:26 PM
"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees." "Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?" "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

Allegedly, while taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?" US Air 2771: "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: cj5_pilot on April 20, 2007, 07:43:34 AM
The last 3 post are oldies but well worth revisiting and the one about the dam beavers is really dam good. ;D

Anything about a beaver is fine with me!   ::whistle::

Anyhow, I believe it was Ray Tremblay that wrote about having to blow up a beaver dam with dynamite.  He was working for Fish and Game at the time.  Thing is beavers are TENACIOUS!!!  They REALLY like their dam dams.   ;)

My only problem with beavers is when I'm fishing in their stream in a canoe, minding my own buisness and they scare the H E double hockey sticks out of me by slapping their tail about an inch from the canoe.  It takes half an hour for my heart rate to hit double digits and an hour to pry my fingers off the 629!!!

BTW, ask Tundra about a little trip to "Adkins Rd" and a grouse exploding from underneath our feet....had either of us twitched with the .375 H&H or .35 Whelen it would have been raining grouse feathers for an hour!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on April 20, 2007, 07:33:00 PM
Girl's Prayer............Enjoy! :) ;)  ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl::

Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One whose willy's thick and long.
One who thinks before he speaks,
when promises to call, he won't wait weeks.
pray that he is gainfully employed,
And when I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh, send me a man who will make love to my mind,
Knows just what to say, when I ask "How big's my behind?"
One who'll make love till my body's a twitchin,
In the hall, the loo, the garden and the kitchen!
I pray that this man will love me no end,
And never attempt to shag my best friend.
And as I kneel and pray by my bed,
I look at the asshole you sent me instead.
Amen.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: tundra_flier on April 20, 2007, 09:32:25 PM
Quote
BTW, ask Tundra about a little trip to "Adkins Rd" and a grouse exploding from underneath our feet....had either of us twitched with the .375 H&H or .35 Whelen it would have been raining grouse feathers for an hour!

Well, the pile of bones and bear poop we're just discovered, and the fact that you kept insisting your compass was backwards had something to do with my being just a bit jumpy.  ::rambo::

Phil
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: airtac on April 21, 2007, 02:20:09 AM
The last 3 post are oldies but well worth revisiting and the one about the dam beavers is really dam good. ;D

Anything about a beaver is fine with me!   ::whistle::
I've heard the that beaver TAIL is good eating  dunno tho, never tried it (BEAVER tail)  ;)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on April 21, 2007, 02:54:28 AM
(http://i76.photobucket.com/albums/j35/helokat/poemdrdrunk.jpg)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on April 21, 2007, 03:00:32 AM
dog diary/cat diary
 
DOG DIARY


8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!

9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!

9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!

10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!

12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!

1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!

5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!

7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with my people!
               My favorite thing!

11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!



CAT DIARY


Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the  rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.

In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am.

Bastards!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.

The dog receives special privileges He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. 

For now...
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: cj5_pilot on April 21, 2007, 06:56:51 AM
Quote
BTW, ask Tundra about a little trip to "Adkins Rd" and a grouse exploding from underneath our feet....had either of us twitched with the .375 H&H or .35 Whelen it would have been raining grouse feathers for an hour!

Well, the pile of bones and bear poop we're just discovered, and the fact that you kept insisting your compass was backwards had something to do with my being just a bit jumpy.  ::rambo::

Phil


I still remember you asking me (the guy with the bigger gun) to lead :P

Besides I remember BOTH of us being jumpy in a tent trailer in bear country at Donnely Dike!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on April 21, 2007, 01:23:31 PM
Saw this on another site and thought you all would apprieciate it, everything is clearer now!!!! 

This story explains a lot of things. How many times have you woken up the morning after a hard night's drinking and thought ´How on earth did I get home?´ As hard as you try, you cannot piece together your return journey from the pub to your house.

The answer to this is that you used a "Beer scooter".

The Beer Scooter is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased to the drunk by Bacchus, the Roman god of wine. Bacchus has acquired a large batch of these magical devices.

The Beer Scooter works in the following fashion: - The passenger reaches a certain level of drunkenness and the "slurring gland" begins to give off a pheromone. Bacchus, or one of his many sub-contractors, detects this pheromone and sends down a winged Beer Scooter.

The scooter scoops up the passenger and deposits them in their bedroom via a Trans-Dimensional-Portal. This is not cheap to run, so a large portion of the passenger’s in-pocket cash is taken as payment. This answers the second question after a night out ¨How did I spend so much money? ´

Unfortunately, Beer Scooters have a poor safety record and are thought to be responsible for over 90% of all UDI (Unidentified Drinking Injuries). An undocumented feature of the beer scooter is the destruction of time segments during the trip.

The nature of the Trans-Dimensional portals dictates that time will be lost, seemingly unaccounted for. This answers the third question after a night out `What the hell happened?´ With good intentions, Bacchus opted for the REMIT (Removal of Embarrassing Moments in Time) add on, that automatically removes, in descending order, those parts in time regretted most.

Unfortunately one person's REMIT is not necessarily the REMIT of another and quite often lost time is regained in discussions over a period of time. Independent studies have also shown that Beer Goggles often cause the scooter's navigation system to malfunction thus sending the passenger to the wrong bedroom, often with horrific consequences!

With recent models including a GPS, Bacchus made an investment in a scooter drive-thru chain specialized in half eaten kebabs and pizza crusts.
Another question answered!

For the family man, Beer Scooters come equipped with flowers picked from other people's gardens and Thump-A-Lot boots (Patent Pending). These boots are designed in such a way that no matter how quietly you tip-toe up the stairs, you are sure to wake up your other half. Special anti-gravity springs ensure that you bump into every wall in the house and the CTSGS (Coffee Table Seeking Guidance Systems) explains the bruised shins.
The final add-on Bacchus saw fit to invest in for some Scooters is the TAS (Tobacco Absorption System). This explains how one person can apparently get through 160 Silk Cut purple in a single night.

PS: Don't forget then on-board heater, which allows you to comfortably get home from the pub in the sub-zero temperatures, wearing just a T-shirt.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: airtac on April 21, 2007, 02:35:38 PM
The dog/cat diary had my wife rolling on the floor ::rofl:: PRICELESS!!

The Beer Scooter had ME doing the same ::rofl::   in a "been there, done that" --<insert REALLY embarrassed smilley>--
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on April 21, 2007, 08:03:13 PM
Can you tell me how to get...?
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: gibbo_335 on April 22, 2007, 10:50:00 PM
Saw this on another site and thought you all would apprieciate it, everything is clearer now!!!! 

This story explains a lot of things. How many times have you woken up the morning after a hard night's drinking and thought ´How on earth did I get home?´ As hard as you try, you cannot piece together your return journey from the pub to your house.

The answer to this is that you used a "Beer scooter".

The Beer Scooter is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased to the drunk by Bacchus, the Roman god of wine. Bacchus has acquired a large batch of these magical devices.



Is there a dealership for these in Australia??? I WANT ONE!!  Should that be NEED one !! ::rofl:: that's great~!~
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: gibbo_335 on April 22, 2007, 10:54:02 PM
LOVE A DRUNK ...

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door.  The man gets up and goes to the door where a
drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband.  "It is 3 o'clock in the morning." He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.  "Just some drunk guy asking for a push!"

"Did you help him?" she asks.  "No. I did not.  It is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring rain outside!"

His wife said, "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us?  You should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man reluctantly gets dressed and goes out into the pouring rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello.  Are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?"  calls out the husband.

"Yes! Please!" comes the reply from the darkness.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on April 24, 2007, 09:28:36 PM
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate
father to start their family. On the day the surrogate father was to
arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be
here soon" Half an hour later, just by chance a door-to-door baby
photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning, madam. I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good. I've made a speciality of
babies"
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"

After a moment, she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is
fun too; you can really spread out!"
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me"
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But, if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different
angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results"
"My, that's a lot of....." gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in
and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure" 
"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures.
"This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London"
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with"
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job
done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get
a good look"
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes," the photographer said, "And for more than three hours too. The
mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate.
Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the
squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean squirrels actually chewed on your,
um......equipment?"
"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so we 
can get to work."
"Tripod?????"
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for
me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam? ....... Good Lord, she's
fainted!!"


Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on April 24, 2007, 09:36:54 PM
Why the Internet is Like a Penis


1. It can be up or down.  It's more fun when it's up, but that makes it
difficult to get any real work done.


2. In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information
considered vital to the survival of the species.  Some people still
think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today
use it for fun most of the time.


3. It has no conscience and no memory.  Left to its own devices, it will
just do the same damn dumb things it did before.


4. It provides a way to interact with other people.  Some people take this
interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark.  Sometimes it's
hard to tell what kind of person you're dealing with until it's too
late.


5. If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread
viruses.


6. It has no brain of its own.  Instead, it uses yours.  If you use it too
much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think
coherently.


7. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size
and influence warrant.


8. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big trouble.


9. It has its own agenda.  Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, it
will warp your behavior.  Later you may ask yourself "why on earth did
I do that?"


10. Some folks have it, some don't.
Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off.  They
think that those who don't have it are somehow inferior.  They think it
gives them power.  They are wrong.
Those who don't have it may agree that it's a nifty toy, but think it's
not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it.  Still, many
of those who don't have it would like to try it.


11. Once you've started  playing with it, it's hard to stop.  Some people
would just  play with it all day if they didn't have work to do.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on April 24, 2007, 09:40:07 PM
Women keywords and their meaning


1. FINE
This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about
but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will
cause you to have one of those arguments.


2. FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your
football game is going to last before you take out the trash,  so I
feel that it's an even trade.


3. NOTHING
This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually
used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting  to turn you inside out,
upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will
last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine".


4. GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over
"Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".


5. GO AHEAD (normal eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". You will
get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing"
and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

6. LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very
misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you  are an idiot
at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and
arguing with you over "Nothing".

7. SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few
things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is
to not move or breathe and she will stay content.

8. OH
This word followed by any statement is trouble. Example; "Oh, let me get that".
Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night". If she says "Oh"
before a statement, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that
she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not
expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days. "Oh" as the lead to a sentence
usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get
out of it, or you will get raised eyebrows "Go ahead" followed by acts so
unspeakable that I can't bring myself to write about them.


9. THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man.
"That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and  hard before paying you
retributions for what ever it is that you have done.
"That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with
a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead". At some point in the near future when she has
plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.


10. PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to
come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for  doing whatever it is
that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful
and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay".


11. THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint, just say you're welcome.


12. THANKS A LOT
This is much different than "Thanks". A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when
she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that  you have hurt her in
some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to
ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh", as she will only tell you "Nothing".

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Baradium on April 25, 2007, 02:09:15 AM
7. SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few
things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is
to not move or breathe and she will stay content.

The first thing that came to mind what I read this was a purr....


<--- constantly in trouble
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on April 25, 2007, 04:42:52 PM
All I can say is---At least we can make fun of ourselves......  ::rofl::

Helicopter Monkey

A passer by near a fire incident walked into a pet store and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, a government fire officer walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll take a 6114 monkey, please."

The man nodded, went to a cage at the side of the store and took out a monkey. He put a collar and leash on the animal and handed it the owner, saying, "That'll be $1,000." The owner paid and left with the monkey.

Surprised, the passer by went to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did that one cost so much?"

The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that 6114 fire line monkey, he can cut line, Swat flames, lay hose, spray water, cut trees with no back talk or complaints. It's well worth the money."

The passer by then spotted a monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive--$10,000! What does it do?"

"Oh, that one is a "helitack" monkey; it can marshal helicopters, brief passengers, hook up buckets, complete weight and balance forms, and load aircraft. A very useful monkey indeed," replied the shopkeeper.

The person looked around a little longer and found a third monkey in a cage. The price tag read, "$50,000". The shocked tourist exclaimed, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What in the world could it do?"

"Well, I've never actually seen him do anything but drink beer and play with his dick, but his papers say he's a Helicopter Pilot!"
(http://i76.photobucket.com/albums/j35/helokat/k015.gif)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on April 25, 2007, 05:17:25 PM

The first thing that came to mind what I read this was a purr....
<--- constantly in trouble

Mmmmmmm................
 ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Frank N. O. on April 25, 2007, 05:22:17 PM
 ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: aw man. I feel like getting inside information there in Happy's post, or maybe she's a double-agent? :D

G-Man: Laughing at yourself is great, as long as other people laugh with you and not at you. Laughter at yourself is both a skill showing you're capable of several levels of understanding as well as giving you the release one need not to get too blown up with hot air that you get shot down (hybris)  |:)\

Frank
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on April 25, 2007, 05:30:25 PM
::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: aw man. I feel like getting inside information there in Happy's post, or maybe she's a double-agent? :D

Haha! Actually, to tell the truth, in my opinion fine is always the worst you can get from a woman.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: airtac on April 26, 2007, 03:25:53 AM
"A helicopter pilot"     Gman, you're AOK----and truthful to |:)\ |:)\ |:)\ |:)\ |:)\
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on April 26, 2007, 03:49:21 AM
"A helicopter pilot"     Gman, you're AOK----and truthful to |:)\ |:)\ |:)\ |:)\ |:)\

Thank you----you you're ok too, along with the mother, especially for being "stuck wing" pepes  !!!!!  ::bow::  ::bow::  ::bow::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: TheSoccerMom on April 27, 2007, 01:49:13 AM
Uhh.... am I "the mother"?!?!  Wow, that's what they call me at work too.....    :D

Okay -- this is what the fueler told me this morning out on the ramp:

QUESTION:   WHY DO SINGLE WOMEN LIVE LONGER THAN MARRIED WOMEN?

ANSWER:      BECAUSE THEY WANT TO.


 ::rofl::               ::rofl::              ::rofl::               ::rofl::           ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on April 27, 2007, 02:01:40 AM
Uhh.... am I "the mother"?!?!  Wow, that's what they call me at work too.....    :D

Okay -- this is what the fueler told me this morning out on the ramp:

QUESTION:   WHY DO SINGLE WOMEN LIVE LONGER THAN MARRIED WOMEN?

ANSWER:      BECAUSE THEY WANT TO.


 ::rofl::               ::rofl::              ::rofl::               ::rofl::           ::rofl::

Yeah---I never knew what true happiness was until I got married....Then it was too late.............

 ::rofl::               ::rofl::                  ::rofl::              ::rofl::                ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on April 27, 2007, 03:02:33 AM
Uhh.... am I "the mother"?!?!  Wow, that's what they call me at work too.....    :D

Okay -- this is what the fueler told me this morning out on the ramp:

QUESTION:   WHY DO SINGLE WOMEN LIVE LONGER THAN MARRIED WOMEN?

ANSWER:      BECAUSE THEY WANT TO.


 ::rofl::               ::rofl::              ::rofl::               ::rofl::           ::rofl::

I've heard the joke the other way round ::thinking:: ::thinking:: ::thinking::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on April 27, 2007, 05:07:46 AM
One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of a small Florida church found a plain pink envelope containing $1000.
 
It happened again the next week.
 
The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate.
 
This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.
 
"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.
 
"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church."
 
The pastor replied, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"
 
The old lady said, "$10,000 a week."
 
The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?"
 
"He is a veterinarian," she answered.
 
"That is an honourable profession," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"
 
The little old lady said proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Frank N. O. on April 28, 2007, 09:26:16 PM
Cathouse  ::rofl::

Btw, just heard Kevin Bloody Wilson say this: AIDS: Alchohol Induced Dizzyness Syndrome ::rofl::

Frank
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on April 29, 2007, 04:04:33 PM
Cathouse  ::rofl::

Btw, just heard Kevin Bloody Wilson say this: AIDS: Alchohol Induced Dizzyness Syndrome ::rofl::

Frank

As opposed to the standard "Aviation Induced Divorce Syndrome"---These days I just go out and find a woman to hate and buy her a house..  ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: airtac on April 29, 2007, 04:53:36 PM
Cathouse  ::rofl::

Btw, just heard Kevin Bloody Wilson say this: AIDS: Alchohol Induced Dizzyness Syndrome ::rofl::

Frank

As opposed to the standard "Aviation Induced Divorce Syndrome"---These days I just go out and find a woman to hate and buy her a house..  ::rofl::
OH MAN, you are just being lazy---I mean, you're missing out on the "relationship building, aquiring the good stuff, and the going to hell in a handbasket" steps  ::knockedout::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on April 30, 2007, 04:31:34 AM
A married couple was in a terrible  accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the Husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny.
 
So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come  from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
 
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face.  He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful  beauty!
 
One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"
 
"My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: airtac on May 02, 2007, 02:29:06 PM

CHICAGO CENTER;  "Twin Cessna 1234, I'd like to keep you high for radar contact until I turn you onto the ILS---Will you be able to descend fast enough from that altitude?"

CESSNA 1234;     "No problem Chicago--this baby comes down like a Bonanza full of doctors !" ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Frank N. O. on May 02, 2007, 09:00:26 PM
Wow, both of those above were brilliant!  |:)\
Was that really said over the radio? And, how did the ATC react, if at all? :D

Frank
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on May 04, 2007, 07:15:33 PM
There was a little boy whose mother was about to have a baby. One day, the little boy walked in and saw his mother naked. He asked his mother what the hair between her legs was.

She responded, "It's my wash cloth."

Weeks later, after the mother had her baby, the young boy walked in on his mother again. While she was in the hospital, the doctor had shaved her pubic hair.

The boy asked, "What happened to your wash cloth?"

The mother responded, "I lost it."

The little boy, trying to be helpful, set out to find his mother's washcloth.

A few days later, he ran to his mother yelling and screaming, "I found your washcloth."

The mother, thinking that the child was just playing, went along with the boy and asked, "Where did you find it?"

The boy answered, "The maid has it! She is washing daddy's face with it."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on May 04, 2007, 07:16:59 PM
An Illinois man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.

Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife,

Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Your Loving Husband.

P.S. Sure is hot down here.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: tundra_flier on May 04, 2007, 08:24:20 PM
Happy, myself and my co-workers thankyou for all the humor  ::bow::
I cut and paste them into an e-mail for select people who I know have a sense of humor.  ::whistle::

Phil
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on May 04, 2007, 09:30:02 PM
Happy, myself and my co-workers thankyou for all the humor  ::bow::
I cut and paste them into an e-mail for select people who I know have a sense of humor.  ::whistle::

Phil

Happy to make you laugh! :)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Franz on May 17, 2007, 09:56:21 AM
Sled Driver, SR-71 Blackbird pilot Brian Shul writes:
I'll always remember a certain radio exchange that occurred one day as Walt (my back-seater) and I were screaming across Southern California 13 miles high. We were monitoring various radio transmissions from other aircraft as we entered Los Angeles airspace. Though they didn't really control us, they did monitor our movement across their scope.
I heard a Cessna ask for a readout of its ground speed.
"90 knots" Center replied.
Moments later, a Twin Beech required the same.
"120 knots," Center answered.
We weren't the only ones proud of our ground speed that day as almost instantly an F-18 smugly transmitted:
"Ah, Center, Dusty 52 requests ground speed readout."
There was a slight pause, then the response: "525 knots on the ground, Dusty."
Another silent pause. As I was thinking to myself how ripe a situation like this was, I heard a familiar click of a radio transmission coming from my back-seat:
"Center, Aspen 20, you got a ground speed readout for us?"
There was a longer than normal pause . . . .
"Aspen, I show 1,742 knots"
No further inquiries were heard on that frequency.
Longer version (http://fromtheinside.us/thinking/Groundspeed_Check.htm)
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

And another SR-71-Joke:

Pilot: Radar, Good Day, Airforce Blackbird, request FL 600(!)

Controller: Sir, if you can reach, you are cleared FL 600

Pilot: US Air Force Blackbird, leaving FL 800, decending Level 600
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

The 30 Greatest Lies in Aviation

I'm from the FAA and I'm here to help you.
***
Me? I've never busted minimums.
***
We will be on time, maybe even early.
***
I have no interest in flying for the airlines.
***
I fixed it right the first time, it must have failed for other reasons.
***
All that turbulence spoiled my landing.
***
I'm a member of the mile high club.
***
I only need glasses for reading.
***
I broke out right at minimums.
***
The weather is gonna be alright; it's clearing to VFR.
***
Don't worry about the weight and balance -- it'll fly.
***
If we get a little lower I think we'll see the lights.
***
I'm 22, got 6000 hours, a four year degree and 3000 hours in a Lear.
***
I'd love to have a female co-pilot.
***
All you have to do is follow the book.
***
This plane outperforms the book by 20 percent.
***
We in aviation are overpaid, underworked and well respected.
***
Oh sure, no problem, I've got over 2000 hours in that aircraft.
***
I have 5000 hours total time, 3200 are actual instrument.
***
No need to look that up, I've got it all memorized.
***
We'll be home by lunchtime.
***
Your plane will be ready by 2 o'clock.
***
I'm always glad to see the FAA.
***
We fly every day -- we don't need recurrent training.
***
It just came out of annual -- how could anything be wrong?
***
I thought YOU took care of that.
***
I've got the field in sight.
***
I've got the traffic in sight.
***
Of course I know where we are.
***
I'm SURE the gear was down.
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Center: "Flight 321, turn right 5 degrees!"
Pilot: "Sir, we are a Boeing 747-400 and not able to make such little turns!"
Center: "Roger flight 321, so turn right 20 degrees and report established on new heading!"
Pilot: "Flight 321 roger, turning right 20 degrees!"
Pilot: "Flight 321 established on new heading."
Center: "Roger flight 321, now turn left 15 degrees!!!!!"
Pilot: "Flight 321 roger, You won!"
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Frank N. O. on May 17, 2007, 02:49:30 PM
Hahaha, great classics, however just the for the record, when I say I want a female co-pilot, it's not a lie but wishful thinking  |:)\

Frank
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on May 17, 2007, 10:43:03 PM
Hahaha, great classics, however just the for the record, when I say I want a female co-pilot, it's not a lie but wishful thinking  |:)\

Frank

This comes from experience:  Trust me Frank, once you've had one, you'll pray you never have another!   ::banghead::

Just Kidding Ladies!  Hehe
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: gibbo_335 on May 17, 2007, 10:48:09 PM

This comes from experience:  Trust me Frank, once you've had one, you'll pray you never have another!   ::banghead::

Just Kidding Ladies!  Hehe

Oh dear Rooster Cruiser... :o ... I think I can hear 'Mom stompin' down the hallway...lata...gotta go... and uummm .......do something...  ::drinking:: ::drinking::  :D :D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Turbomallard on May 17, 2007, 11:06:01 PM

This comes from experience:  Trust me Frank, once you've had one, you'll pray you never have another!   ::banghead::

Just Kidding Ladies!  Hehe

Oh dear Rooster Cruiser... :o ... I think I can hear 'Mom stompin' down the hallway...lata...gotta go... and uummm .......do something...  ::drinking:: ::drinking::  :D :D
EJECT EJECT EJECT!!!  ::unbelieveable:: ::unbelieveable::

TM
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: gibbo_335 on May 17, 2007, 11:09:30 PM
TM I think 'Mom might be gunna "come back there"  ::eek::  ::rofl:: (thanks Frank :) )
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: airtac on May 19, 2007, 06:34:10 AM
TM I think 'Mom might be gunna "come back there"  ::eek::  ::rofl:: (thanks Frank :) )
I just got mail from "mom"-she's been off line and I didn't tell her about this----I'm just gonna watch what happens when she gets back---YOU GUYS ARE GONNA SO GET IT !!!!  ::rambo:: ::rambo:: ::rambo:: ::rambo::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Turbomallard on May 19, 2007, 10:48:51 PM
TM I think 'Mom might be gunna "come back there"  ::eek::  ::rofl:: (thanks Frank :) )
I just got mail from "mom"-she's been off line and I didn't tell her about this----I'm just gonna watch what happens when she gets back---YOU GUYS ARE GONNA SO GET IT !!!!  ::rambo:: ::rambo:: ::rambo:: ::rambo::

Hey I live halfway across the country so I'm safe.

Unless, of course, she plans on bringing the Minivan to Airventure... but I'll see it and I have friends who live there and will let me hide out in their basements or what not...

TM

P.S. I didn't do anything, anyway.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: gibbo_335 on May 20, 2007, 08:59:55 PM
 ::whistle:: ::whistle:: ::whistle:: ::drinking::   

::thinking:: Not quite sure why TM and I are gunna get it  ::sulk:: ::sulk::   ::sweat:: ::sweat:: Are you SURE you didn't say anything extra the 'Mom
Airtac  ::thinking::

Hey....TM I live half way 'round the world!!!! ...you'll be safe here 
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: airtac on May 20, 2007, 10:30:34 PM
::whistle:: ::whistle:: ::whistle:: ::drinking::   

::thinking:: Not quite sure why TM and I are gunna get it  ::sulk:: ::sulk::   ::sweat:: ::sweat:: Are you SURE you didn't say anything extra the 'Mom
Airtac  ::thinking::

Hey....TM I live half way 'round the world!!!! ...you'll be safe here 

WHO, ME?---I just said  what fine chaps you are...... ::angel:: ::angel:: ::angel:: ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: gibbo_335 on May 20, 2007, 11:23:13 PM
::whistle:: ::whistle:: ::whistle:: ::drinking::   

::thinking:: Not quite sure why TM and I are gunna get it  ::sulk:: ::sulk::   ::sweat:: ::sweat:: Are you SURE you didn't say anything extra the 'Mom
Airtac  ::thinking::

Hey....TM I live half way 'round the world!!!! ...you'll be safe here 

WHO, ME?---I just said  what fine chaps you are...... ::angel:: ::angel:: ::angel:: ::rofl::

PHEW!!!!  That's a load of my mind..... i can sleep easy now  ::sleep::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on May 21, 2007, 03:28:42 AM
Years ago...  Back when I drove a Truck for a living, I once had this conversation on CB Channel 19 (The Truck Drivers channel in the USA)

While I was driving through downtown Nashville TN, some girl started yelling at me on channel 19...

She said, "Hey Miller! (I drove for Miller Truck Lines at the time..) are you a 10-4 truck driver?"

I said, "What in the hell is a 10-4 truck driver?"

She said, "That's a Driver that's got 10 inches long and 4 inches around.  Now do you understand what a 10-4 truck driver is?"

I said, "Five-Two"
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: cj5_pilot on May 21, 2007, 06:18:43 AM
Heh, btw Rooster Cruiser, I just read your signature.  CW McCall for the win!  I kinda like Black Bear Road and CJ5 and 4wheel drive!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Turbomallard on May 21, 2007, 11:33:42 PM
::whistle:: ::whistle:: ::whistle:: ::drinking::   

::thinking:: Not quite sure why TM and I are gunna get it  ::sulk:: ::sulk::   ::sweat:: ::sweat:: Are you SURE you didn't say anything extra the 'Mom
Airtac  ::thinking::

Hey....TM I live half way 'round the world!!!! ...you'll be safe here 

WHO, ME?---I just said  what fine chaps you are...... ::angel:: ::angel:: ::angel:: ::rofl::

PHEW!!!!  That's a load of my mind..... i can sleep easy now  ::sleep::

Rut-roh! She's online now... guess we'll find out. I'm filling in for somebody tonight to do a night XC with a student, so unless she's put Sidewinders on the Minivan I think I'm safe...  ::angel::

TM
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: gibbo_335 on May 22, 2007, 12:41:06 AM
 ::unbelieveable:: C-C-C-c-c-c-c-c-careful out t-t-t-there TM I think airtac might be giving 'Mom some covert information  ::rofl::

Good use of the Scooby voice rhy da wray  ;)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: airtac on May 22, 2007, 03:25:29 AM
RUT ROH---more Scooby Doo fans ::rofl:: ::rofl::

And your wrong about the covert information---I'm as scared as you are---I'm just trying to elude the fallout ::eek:: ::eek::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Turbomallard on May 22, 2007, 02:18:35 PM
RUT ROH---more Scooby Doo fans ::rofl:: ::rofl::

And your wrong about the covert information---I'm as scared as you are---I'm just trying to elude the fallout ::eek:: ::eek::

Then how do you explain intelligence reports of secret meetings with S'mom wearing a lizard suit behind the fishmarket?

TM
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: TheSoccerMom on May 23, 2007, 01:44:48 AM
Ohhh MAAAAN, what am I doing now?!?  Wearing a lizard suit?  Huh?  So are you the guys who slipped something into my brewski?!?!?!

Yupper, S'Mom is back online...  I know, I know, a scary thought....

 ::wave::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Turbomallard on May 23, 2007, 02:52:34 AM
Ohhh MAAAAN, what am I doing now?!?  Wearing a lizard suit?  Huh?  So are you the guys who slipped something into my brewski?!?!?!

Yupper, S'Mom is back online...  I know, I know, a scary thought....

 ::wave::

The intelligence report was unconfirmed  ::whistle::

Glad to see you back in the coop!

TM
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: TheSoccerMom on May 23, 2007, 02:58:31 AM
"Unconfirmed", hey??!?  The story of my LIFE....!

You know, I could use a lizard suit...    :P
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: gibbo_335 on May 23, 2007, 03:03:56 AM
OOOOO Lizard Suit...swanky 'Mom  ;) ;)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: airtac on May 23, 2007, 03:12:18 AM
Ohhh MAAAAN, what am I doing now?!?  Wearing a lizard suit?  Huh?  So are you the guys who slipped something into my brewski?!?!?!

Yupper, S'Mom is back online...  I know, I know, a scary thought....

 ::wave::

SEE, I told you the lizard suit was a bad disguise, but at least they didn't know it was me! ;D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: AirScorp on May 24, 2007, 02:46:46 AM
Fart facts anyone? (http://www.heptune.com/farts.html)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: gibbo_335 on May 24, 2007, 09:45:35 PM
2 things surprise me about that site:

1st someone took the time to type all of that  ::)

and

2nd I'm surprised it doesn't have .au at the end of the address  ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: AirScorp on May 24, 2007, 10:15:48 PM
Elmo (http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/53899844/)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: TheSoccerMom on May 27, 2007, 07:52:04 AM
Welll.......  this is silly!    ::whistle::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Fabo on May 27, 2007, 09:43:44 AM
Welll.......  this is silly!    ::whistle::


Well... I always say that people jumping out of planes that are al-right actually JUST FOR PLEASURE cant be normal.

For sure, Mom, your kids are another story :)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: TheSoccerMom on May 27, 2007, 06:17:38 PM
[ For sure, Mom, your kids are another story :)

Ha ha, well, that is what the psychologist said, too.   ;)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: TheSoccerMom on May 27, 2007, 09:26:33 PM
[Well... I always say that people jumping out of planes that are al-right actually JUST FOR PLEASURE cant be normal.

Not normal?  More proof!!    ::rofl::

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: airtac on May 28, 2007, 01:25:47 AM
AGGHH! and you're smiling too ::eek:: ------wierdo-----
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on May 28, 2007, 01:46:34 AM
A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted  a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.
 
"Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.
 
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should  tell you first that  this bird used to live in a house of prostitution and  sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
 
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway.
 
She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her  living room and waited for it to say something.
 
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and  said " Aaaack! New house! New madam!"
 
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but  then thought "that's really not so bad."
 
When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the  bird saw them and said, " Squaaaawk! New house! New madam! New girls!"
 
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.
 
Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home  from work.
 
The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Keith!"
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: TheSoccerMom on May 28, 2007, 05:39:36 PM
Ha ha Gilly, you are too funny.  I have been told I have a nice smile -- okay -- I admit that part -- but the point I was trying to make is that Happy is SO cute (along with her smile) and I am, well, uh, better suited for radio.   :D 

Kind of like comparing roses (Happy!) to a bristlecone pine (Mom!).....  which, you can be assured, the jumpers routinely remind me is "The oldest living organism on the planet -- after you, Mary!"    ;D

 ::wave::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: airtac on May 29, 2007, 12:54:11 AM
Ha ha Gilly, you are too funny.  I have been told I have a nice smile -- okay -- I admit that part -- but the point I was trying to make is that Happy is SO cute (along with her smile) and I am, well, uh, better suited for radio.   :D 

Kind of like comparing roses (Happy!) to a bristlecone pine (Mom!).....  which, you can be assured, the jumpers routinely remind me is "The oldest living organism on the planet -- after you, Mary!"    ;D

 ::wave::
OH MOMMY, the abuse you endure from them young peckerwoods makes me crazy ::loony::
Rest assured, my little mountain flower, that your mature elan far surpasses the shallow expectations that these inexperienced adrenaline junkies can possibly imagine |:)\
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: TheSoccerMom on May 29, 2007, 08:01:27 PM
Ha ha, well, yeah, I guess it all falls into the "Abuse" category.  But -- if it wasn't like this -- what would I do for entertainment?!?

Last year we were all admiring a natural history display (in PUBLIC) that was a massive slice of an ancient bristlecone pine.  They live to be thousands of years old...  and this one had the typical little slips of paper pasted to the tree rings, pointing out such fascinating things as "Jesus is Born", "Renaissance Begins", "Columbus Discovers America", etc., etc. 

One of the older jumpers leaned over and whispered "Mary Goes on Her First Fire Call".

Ahhhh...  children......    :-*
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Turbomallard on June 03, 2007, 04:54:35 AM
Wisecracking duck

http://youtube.com/watch?v=CXQkY_l8lIM

Ouchie...

TM
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: gibbo_335 on June 04, 2007, 12:18:48 AM
HA HA TM too funny..."that's gunna leave a mark!!"  ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on June 04, 2007, 12:50:12 AM
is he giving me a receipt?

HA HA HA  ::rofl::  ::rofl::

very creative, Duck!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Turbomallard on June 04, 2007, 03:13:18 PM
This is REALLY good!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hOyQ3nTDgCs

 ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl::

TM
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: gibbo_335 on June 05, 2007, 04:13:20 AM
A man was fishing. He began his outing with a 25kg Kingfish on the first drop and a 20kg snapper on the second. On the third drop he had just scored his first ever (GT), Giant Trevalley when his mobile phone rang.  It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition in ICU.
 
The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that the he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving, what was shaping up to be, his best ever fishing trip.  He decided to get in a couple of more drifts before heading to the hospital.
 
He ended up catching several personal bests, and all in all, had his best days fishing by far.  He was jubilant.... then he remembered his wife.  ::eek:: Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital.
 
He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wifeʼs condition. The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and kept fishing didn't you!  I hope you're proud of yourself!  While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself on the ocean, your wife has been languishing in the ICU!  It's just as well you went ahead and finished the fishing because it will be more than likely your last!" "For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care. And you'll be her care giver!"
 
The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed. The doctor snickered and said, "Just stuffing with you mate. She's dead. What'd you catch?"
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Baradium on June 05, 2007, 08:26:25 PM
Can definately tell that is an Aussie joke.  ;)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: gibbo_335 on June 05, 2007, 10:15:03 PM
 ;D Hee hee Baradium....dunno how  ::rofl::  ;)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: RagDragger on June 06, 2007, 04:18:53 AM
That last one's demented.  I love it!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on June 06, 2007, 09:37:11 PM
A BOWL of LIFESAVERS
A teacher was doing a study testing the senses of first graders, using
a
bowl of Lifesavers candy.

The children began to say:
" Red............cherry,"
"Yellow.........lemon,"
"Green..........lime,"
"Orange.......orange,"

Finally the teacher gave them all honey Lifesavers.
After eating them none of the children could identify the taste.

"Well," he said, "I'll give you all a clue. It is what your mother may
some times call your father."

One blonde little girl looked up in horror, spit her Lifesaver out and
yelled:

"Oh My God!!!! They're a$$holes!

 ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: airtac on June 07, 2007, 01:52:51 PM
Heh, that's an oldie but it still tickles me ;D

Rooster, it's good to have another driver/pilot on the forum for that warped sense of humor |:)\

I don't tell too many people I was a truckdriver---never did admit it to my Mom though, she would have been so disappointed because she always thought I played piano in a cathouse ::whistle::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on June 08, 2007, 01:26:09 AM
Heh, that's an oldie but it still tickles me ;D

Rooster, it's good to have another driver/pilot on the forum for that warped sense of humor |:)\

I don't tell too many people I was a truckdriver---never did admit it to my Mom though, she would have been so disappointed because she always thought I played piano in a cathouse ::whistle::

That's still one of my favorites! ::bow::  I used to have that line on a bumper sticker!  Hehe ::cowboy::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on June 08, 2007, 08:42:41 PM
Only in America AND CANADA.....do drugstores make the sick walk all the way
to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can
buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in America And Canada......do people order double cheeseburgers, large
fries -  and a diet coke.

Only in America and Canada......do banks leave both doors open and then
chain the pens to the counters.

Only in America and Canada......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars
in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Only in America and Canada......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and
buns in packages of eight.

EVER WONDER ....

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline    "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do, a "practice"? (Could it be because
they are a practice in patience [pun intended]?  lol - R.)

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made
with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on Airplanes? Why don't
they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

If flying is so safe, why do they call an airport,  "terminal"?
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Fabo on June 09, 2007, 11:42:49 AM
Only in America and Canada......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars
in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Not truth. We (the family) have been doing this for about year. Got the junk from garage last week finally  ;D

Quote
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Cause they use mouth opened more frequently than closed?

Quote
Why don't you ever see the headline    "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Cause you have forgotten to buy the newpaper?

Quote
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

To show the need.

Quote
Why is it that doctors call what they do, a "practice"? (Could it be because
they are a practice in patience [pun intended]?  lol - R.)

Cause it is, practice.

Quote
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made
with real lemons?
I wonder as well.

Quote
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Cause he is about to have all of your dreams broken?

Quote
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Dunno. We call it stoppage...

Quote
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

There would be, if cats have made it.

Quote
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

To make sure one dies from what THEY want to.

Quote
You know that indestructible black box that is used on Airplanes? Why don't
they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

News wouldnt have something to write about...

Quote
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

It does!

Quote
If flying is so safe, why do they call an airport,  "terminal"?

Terminates your pedestrian life and takes yyou to the height of flying.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on June 09, 2007, 12:48:38 PM
...Hunh...   ::thinking::

For some reason, when you dissect a joke like that, it isn't funny anymore.   ::)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Fabo on June 09, 2007, 03:46:22 PM
I said I wasnt in my skin today...
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: tundra_flier on June 12, 2007, 08:09:03 PM
Ole &Sven 

Ole and Sven were drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in
Minneapolis. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in
the hangar with nothing to do.

Ole said, "I vish ve had somethin ta drink!" Sven says, "Me too.
Y'know, I've hear you can drink dat yet fuel an get a buzz.

Ya vanna try it?"

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and
got completely smashed.

Next morning Ole woke up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact
he
feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects.

Nothing! The phone rang. It was Sven who asks "How iss you feelin dis
mornin?"

Ole says, "I feel great. How bout you?" Sven says, "I feel great, too.

Ya don't have no hangover?" Ole says, "No dat yet fuel iss great stuff
-- no hangover, nothin. Ve oughta do dis more often."

Sven agreed."Yeah, vell, but dere's yust vun ting."

Ole asked, "Vat's dat?"

Sven questioned, "Haff you farted yet?"
Ole stopped to think. "No "

"Vell, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Milvaukee"
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: TheSoccerMom on June 13, 2007, 03:47:32 AM
This can really be a SERIOUS PROBLEM. 

I've modified our checklists to take care of it.

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on June 13, 2007, 03:57:03 AM
HA HA!!

Sally, is that you?  ::rofl::

"Oh duh, I was wondering why that number one engine kept shutting down . . . "
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: TheSoccerMom on June 13, 2007, 04:03:12 AM
"yeah, like, I thought it was, like, a little QUIETER than usual, but you know, like, I just figured maybe it was my new pink headset...."    ::rofl::

 ::rofl::                     ::rofl::                        ::rofl::                     ::rofl::                        ::rofl::
Title: More Swedish Jokes
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on June 13, 2007, 05:53:32 AM
One day, Sven had finished a hard day of work at the mill in Fergus Falls, Minnesota.  He walked home, anticipating the delicious meal his wife Lena was certain to have made for him.  However, when he turned the corner on his block he was surprised to see that his house was dark.  Walking into his house, he noticed that not only was the house dark, there was no food being cooked in the kitchen and there was absolutely no sign of Lena.

Sven went searching throughout the house for Lena, turning lights on as he went.  "Lena!  Lena, where are you?" he called out.  He climbed the stairs to the second floor and turned on the light in their bedroom, and that is when he saw Lena sitting on the bed with no clothes on!  "Lena!" Sven cried out, "Why are you sitting on ze bed vith no clothes on?"  Lena replied, "Vell I haff no clothes to wear."

"Nonsense!" Sven said as he marched to the closet and threw it open, "Just look at dis closet... One Dress! Two Dress! Three Dress!  ...Hello Ole... Four Dress!  Five Dress!..."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Turbomallard on June 14, 2007, 02:06:54 AM
 A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly
the sky filled with clouds and, in a booming voice, the Lord
 said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all
ways, I will grant you one wish."
The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so
 I can ride over anytime I want."

 The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the
 enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The
 supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The
 concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust
several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for
 me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little
more time and think of something that would honor and
 glorify me."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally he said,
 "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to
 know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she
 gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means
 when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make her truly
happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that
 bridge?"
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: airtac on June 14, 2007, 02:37:08 PM


> "The Gunfighter"
>
> In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who
> wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the
> world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew
> that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he
> was doing wrong.
>
> Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man
> standing at the bar who -- in his day -- had the reputation of being
> the fastest gun in the West. The young cowboy took a place next to
> the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great
> ambition. "Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.
>
> The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing,
> you'r e wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down
> on your leg."
>
> "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
>
> "Sure will," replied the old-timer.
>
> The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44
> and shot the bow tie off the piano player.
>
> "That's terrific!" said the hot shot. "Got any more tips for me?"
>
> "Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the
> hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."
>
> "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man.
>
> "You bet it will," said the old-timer.
>
> The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his
> gun in a blur, then shot a cufflink off the piano player.
>
> "Wow!" exclaimed the cowboy. "I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any
> more tips?"
>
> The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See
> that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it."
>
> The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the
> grease on the barrel of his gun.
>
> "No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle
> and all."
>
> "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
>
> The Old Timer said,
>
> "No, but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna
> shove that gun up your butt, and it won't hurt as much if it's all
> greased!"
>
>
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: AirScorp on June 15, 2007, 04:50:56 PM
http://youtube.com/watch?v=ZDepABf9JOg (http://youtube.com/watch?v=ZDepABf9JOg)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on June 15, 2007, 06:28:28 PM
http://youtube.com/watch?v=ZDepABf9JOg (http://youtube.com/watch?v=ZDepABf9JOg)

AGGGGHHH!!!  NOT THIS VIDEO AGAIN!!!!!   ::banghead:: ::banghead:: ::rambo:: ::rambo::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: AirScorp on June 16, 2007, 07:22:33 AM
Ok.....  ::angel::

How about this?

http://youtube.com/watch?v=mqoofwmQF5g (http://youtube.com/watch?v=mqoofwmQF5g)

Totally unrelated to aviation, but, here goes..
Actually we do such dances some places in Greece sometimes and it really got me laughing
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on June 16, 2007, 08:01:23 AM
Ok.....  ::angel::

How about this?

http://youtube.com/watch?v=mqoofwmQF5g (http://youtube.com/watch?v=mqoofwmQF5g)

Totally unrelated to aviation, but, here goes..
Actually we do such dances some places in Greece sometimes and it really got me laughing

A bit too Jewish for my taste, but what the heck... to each his own.  Hehe, J/K

I had an issue with it being called Psychedelic.  That music sounded more like retro-techno to me, or did it come from a Rave?  Now I could only manage about 2:30 of this Video before my right hand closed the window in order to prevent a meltdown of my brain, but I was wondering if the Bride ever showed up?  All these orthodox appearing Jews are dancing around with each other at what is supposed to be a family wedding, and the only female I saw was a little girl riding on her daddy's shoulders.

It is funny, in a confusing sort of way.   ::thinking:: ::loony:: ::unbelieveable::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: AirScorp on June 16, 2007, 08:43:07 AM
It is funny, in a confusing sort of way.

 ::rofl:: Well said!!!

Excstatic dancing is everywhere the same.. Whether it is on burning coals (as we have some in Greece), this one or just high on drugs ::sick:: you can put a rave in it and it will come the same..  ::loony::

The tune I think is Goa, what started the raves, at least around here some 10 years ago.. Died pretty fast too.. I like the electronic sound a lot but, if there isn't a good guitar riff and decent bassline in it, well, it misses out  8)

Yup, next time I think I'd better find something that's still funny the second time through  :)
Title: Michael Jackson outsourced to India
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on June 16, 2007, 04:11:04 PM
Now for a truly confusing video...  at least they inserted english subtitles for everyone who don't understand Hindi.

I guess even the King of Pop is not immune.

This thing is like a car crash, you can't NOT look.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TtJRNyPK-lc
Title: Re: Michael Jackson outsourced to India
Post by: FlyboyGil on June 16, 2007, 05:14:50 PM
Now for a truly confusing video...  at least they inserted english subtitles for everyone who don't understand Hindi.

I guess even the King of Pop is not immune.

This thing is like a car crash, you can't NOT look.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TtJRNyPK-lc


I want the last 4 minutes of my life back!!  >:( >:( >:(
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: gibbo_335 on June 17, 2007, 05:50:24 AM
 :-\ not sure quite what to make of that one RC .....maybe a few more  ::drinking:: ::drinking:: ::drinking:: and it'll start to make sense  ;D ;D ::loony::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: gibbo_335 on June 17, 2007, 05:52:21 AM
This can really be a SERIOUS PROBLEM. 

I've modified our checklists to take care of it.

Mom,  ??? do you think that Pink handbag might ......oh never mind :-\   ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on June 17, 2007, 06:05:45 AM
This can really be a SERIOUS PROBLEM. 

I've modified our checklists to take care of it.

Mom,  ??? do you think that Pink handbag might ......oh never mind :-\   ;D ;D ;D

HA HA !!! ::rofl:: ::rofl::

oh man! If I see her before she reads this you HAVE to let me use your line !!!!
Title: Re: More Swedish Jokes
Post by: FlyboyGil on June 17, 2007, 03:31:23 PM
One day, Sven had finished a hard day of work at the mill in Fergus Falls, Minnesota.  He walked home, anticipating the delicious meal his wife Lena was certain to have made for him.  However, when he turned the corner on his block he was surprised to see that his house was dark.  Walking into his house, he noticed that not only was the house dark, there was no food being cooked in the kitchen and there was absolutely no sign of Lena.

Sven went searching throughout the house for Lena, turning lights on as he went.  "Lena!  Lena, where are you?" he called out.  He climbed the stairs to the second floor and turned on the light in their bedroom, and that is when he saw Lena sitting on the bed with no clothes on!  "Lena!" Sven cried out, "Why are you sitting on ze bed vith no clothes on?"  Lena replied, "Vell I haff no clothes to wear."

"Nonsense!" Sven said as he marched to the closet and threw it open, "Just look at dis closet... One Dress! Two Dress! Three Dress!  ...Hello Ole... Four Dress!  Five Dress!..."

Flyboyg.....er, ah, Chuck is that you? ::) ::) ::) ::) ::)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: gibbo_335 on June 17, 2007, 07:58:06 PM
This can really be a SERIOUS PROBLEM. 

I've modified our checklists to take care of it.

Mom,  ??? do you think that Pink handbag might ......oh never mind :-\   ;D ;D ;D

HA HA !!! ::rofl:: ::rofl::

oh man! If I see her before she reads this you HAVE to let me use your line !!!!

Hiya Mike....No Problems mate...say hi to her from me too  ;D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on June 19, 2007, 09:14:05 PM
This is a classic and might already be in here but it always makes me chuckle:

A Photographer for CNN was assigned to cover southern California's wildfires last year.
 
He wanted pictures of the heroic work the firefighters were doing as they battled the blazes.
When the photographer arrived on the scene, he realized that the smoke was so thick it would seriously impede, or even make impossible, his getting good photographs from the ground level.
He requested permission from his boss to rent a plane and take photos from the air.

His request was approved and he used his cell phone to call the local county airport to charter a flight.
He was told a single engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.
 
He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, "Let's go!"

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and roared down the runway.
Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, "Fly over the valley and make two or three low passes so I can take some pictures of the fires on the hillsides."
 
"Why?" asked the pilot.
 "Because I'm a photographer for CNN," he responded. "And I need to get some close-up shots."

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment;  finally he stammered,
"So, what you're telling me, is you're NOT my flight instructor???"

 ::eek::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on June 19, 2007, 09:20:14 PM
Soccermom sent this riddle to me

You are driving in a car at a constant speed.  On your left side is a drop off (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are travel ing on), and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you.  In front of you is a galloping horse which is the same size as your car and you c annot overtake it.  Behind you is another galloping horse.  Both horses are also traveling at the same speed as you.  What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?


For the answer read the next post !






Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on June 19, 2007, 09:22:13 PM






* Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round. *  ;D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on June 19, 2007, 10:02:41 PM
Hehe.  One of my favorite ones, Mike!   ::bow::
Title: Truck Driver Humor
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on June 21, 2007, 05:48:46 PM
Three men die, and their souls all waft up to the Pearly Gates around the same time.  When they get there St Peter confronts them one at a time.

The first man approaches St Peter.  St Pete says to him, "You Sir.  What was your IQ when you were alive?"
The man says, "My IQ was 210."
"Goodness gracious me!" Exclaims St Pete, "What an incredibly intelligent man!  Don't tell me, let me guess...  You were a Doctor when you were alive?"
"Yes, as a matter of fact I was."
"Come right on in, Doc." Replies St Pete, "Come right on in."

The second man approaches St Peter.  St Pete says to him, "You Sir.  What was your IQ when you were alive?
The man says, "My IQ was 195."
"Holy Smoke! Two incredibly intelligent men in a row!  Don't tell me, let me guess... You were a Lawyer when you were alive?"
The man replies, "Yes, as a matter of fact I was."
"Come right on in, Mr Lawyer.  Come right on in."

The third man approaches St Peter.  St Pete says to him, "You Sir.  What was your IQ when you were alive?"
The man scratches his head and says, "Oh, I dunno....  five maybe?  Ten?"

St Peter is just shaking his head in disgust as he hears this.  He looks at the man and says, "Driver, does your Dispatcher know where you are!?!?"

 ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: cj5_pilot on June 22, 2007, 07:25:16 AM
Seen at the urinal at a hangar in Wolfe Lake, Alaska:

"if you have a short prop or low manifold pressure please step closer....the next pilot may not be equipped with floats!"
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Frank N. O. on June 22, 2007, 02:18:26 PM
What a joke to wake up to!  ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl::

That's a great variation on the std. message for urinals!

Frank
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on June 22, 2007, 07:47:56 PM
Sign in the Men's room in Gwinner ND

"Please help us keep this bathroom clean.

Aim as if you were shooting an ILS to Minimums with 10 minutes fuel on board."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on June 25, 2007, 04:30:21 AM
 ::)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: cj5_pilot on June 30, 2007, 07:35:52 AM
Soccermom sent this riddle to me

You are driving in a car at a constant speed.  On your left side is a drop off (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are travel ing on), and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you.  In front of you is a galloping horse which is the same size as your car and you c annot overtake it.  Behind you is another galloping horse.  Both horses are also traveling at the same speed as you.  What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?


For the answer read the next post !








I drive a F-250 Super Duty...the drop off is nothing...and to me a horse in front and back means MUSTANG!   :P

((Yes that isn't very funny...but I'm tired so there you have it ;) ))
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on July 04, 2007, 01:04:47 AM
A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning. One woman lost it completely. She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, 'I'm too young to die,' she cried.
 
Then she yelled, "If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a man stood up in the rear of the plane. He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went, one button at a time. No one moved. He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest. She gasped... Then, he spoke:
 
"Iron this ... and then get me a beer."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: gibbo_335 on July 04, 2007, 01:29:41 AM
HA HA get me a beer...nice ;D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on July 04, 2007, 02:47:43 AM
(http://i76.photobucket.com/albums/j35/helokat/22309-1f.jpg)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on July 04, 2007, 04:57:52 AM
Iron this and get me a beer??
HAHA! at  the very least she had the chance to understand what men want and think before dying! :-)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a Duke University Law School graduate from an upper crust family; well-bred, well-connected, and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a redneck from Southeast Alabama A&M.
The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word "Timbuktu".
The Duke graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem:

Slowly across the desert sand Trekked the dusty caravan. Men on camels, two by two Destination-Timbuktu.

The audience went wild!!! How, they wondered, could the redneck top that?! The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited:

Tim and me, a-huntin' went. Met three whores in a pop-up tent. They was three, we was two, So I bucked one and Timbuktu.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on July 08, 2007, 05:35:37 AM
Last night, I saw a great Truck Driver t-shirt that was being worn by a long-haul driver flying home on an airline after making a delivery of a new truck;

"If I had wanted to make short hauls with lots of stops I'd have become a MAILMAN!!!"
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Baradium on July 08, 2007, 09:00:23 PM
Last night, I saw a great Truck Driver t-shirt that was being worn by a long-haul driver flying home on an airline after making a delivery of a new truck;

"If I had wanted to make short hauls with lots of stops I'd have become a MAILMAN!!!"

I think for a lot of the places I go I *am* the mailman....   ::)


People carry such weird stuff too.  Last week this lady was hand carrying a bag of fermented whale meat on our Fairbanks-Anchorage run.  The reason I know what it was is she asked if we had any extra plastic bags as we were about to start engines becuase it was starting to leak...

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on July 08, 2007, 11:01:06 PM
A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."

He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right." To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Fine," she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break."

"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says. "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!"

So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey, how'd this all get fixed?"

She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either screw him or bake him a cake."

He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?"

She replied, "Hellooooo... Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?"
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Skid Kid on July 10, 2007, 02:22:41 AM
(http://www.starterupsteve.com/funny4/471.jpg)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on July 10, 2007, 04:04:21 PM
A husband walked into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife.

He was shown several possibilities that range from  $250 to $500 in price, the  more sheer,  the higher the price. Naturally, he opted for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and took it home.  He presented it to his wife and asked her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.

Upstairs, the  wife thought, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modelling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the  $500 refund for myself."

She appeared naked on the balcony and struck a pose.

The husband said, "Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!"

He never heard the shot.

Funeral on Thursday at noon.

Closed coffin.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on July 10, 2007, 06:51:46 PM
Gil, I LIKE IT!!!   ::rambo:: ::rambo:: ::rambo:: ::rambo:: ::rambo:: ::rambo:: ::rambo::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on July 10, 2007, 07:20:19 PM
A bit Risque, but what the heck...   ;D ;D ;D

A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons. The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard!"

"Well, what should I do?", asks the man. "Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast."

Taking the advice, he takes a swing, and POW! He hits the ball 250 yards straight up the fairway. The ecstatic man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson.

The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard."

"What can I do?" asks the wife.

"Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis."

The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP the ball skips down the fairway about 15 feet.

"You know, that was a lot better than I expected," the pro says. "Now, take the club out of your mouth and hold it in your hands..."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: AirScorp on July 11, 2007, 02:40:26 AM
Great one!!!

Man I think I've heard so many dirty jokes I can hardly think of a decent one (pun  ::rofl:: )

I started writing a joke but then thought it's as dirty as the "Aristocrats"

Oh well.. It's the one with the vaseline-powered car, btw
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on July 11, 2007, 02:53:47 AM
Great one!!!

Man I think I've heard so many dirty jokes I can hardly think of a decent one (pun  ::rofl:: )

I started writing a joke but then thought it's as dirty as the "Aristocrats"

Oh well.. It's the one with the vaseline-powered car, btw

Vaseline powered car? Ok now I want to hear it. I think ::thinking:: ::thinking::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on July 11, 2007, 04:19:12 AM
Gil, I hope you understand we had to delete your religious joke there.

It's sad and even though I totally agree, I DO NOT want to get roped into a discussion about this subject here with Chicken Wings. . .

Quite frankly, these guys scare the crap out of me.


Sorry.

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on July 11, 2007, 04:21:38 AM
Ok, but back to humor!    ;D


How to Tell the Sex of a Fly



A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter

"What are you doing?"
She asked.

"Hunting Flies"
He responded.
"Oh. ! Killing any?"
She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked.
"How can you tell them apart?"

He responded,
"3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone."

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on July 11, 2007, 04:35:18 AM
Gil, I hope you understand we had to delete your religious joke there.

It's sad and even though I totally agree, I DO NOT want to get roped into a discussion about this subject here with Chicken Wings. . .

Quite frankly, these guys scare the crap out of me.


Sorry.



Dang Mike!  Why should you be afraid of the PC Gestapo?  Hehe.  j/k 
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: mehek on July 11, 2007, 10:02:42 AM
nice jokes.  ::rofl::
                         ::rofl::
                                 ::rofl::
                                         ::rofl::
                                       
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Skid Kid on July 16, 2007, 04:30:11 AM
http://www.strategypage.com/humor/articles/military_jokes_20076152.asp (http://www.strategypage.com/humor/articles/military_jokes_20076152.asp)
In the end, its shear boredom that gets to you on deployments.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on July 18, 2007, 09:50:09 PM
http://www.strategypage.com/humor/articles/military_jokes_20076152.asp (http://www.strategypage.com/humor/articles/military_jokes_20076152.asp)
In the end, its shear boredom that gets to you on deployments.

Yer right.  Them boys were terribly bored to stage that!!!  ::unbelieveable::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on July 23, 2007, 05:13:10 AM
Two friends are sitting on a park bench. The first guy turns to his friend and said,

"You know what a Freudian Slip is? Well, the other day, I walked into the train station to buy some tickets and the girl behind the counter had HUGE boobs. So I tried to ask for two tickets to Pittsburg, what actually came out was, "I'd like two pickets to Tittsburg!"

To which the friend replied,

I know exactly what you mean. Yesterday, I saw my wife coming down the stairs, and I meant to say, "Honey, I love you." But when I opened my mouth, what came out was,

B*tch, you ruined my F*CK*NG life!"
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Firegirl on July 23, 2007, 09:32:01 PM
 A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond
 female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.
 She opened it then slammed it shut & stormed back in the house.
 A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and
 again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
 As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again,
 marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than
 ever.
 

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

To which she replied, "There certainly is!"


My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on July 25, 2007, 02:53:53 AM
WELCOME TO THE HUSBAND STORE!!

A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City , where a
woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance
is a description of how the store operates:

 WELCOME TO THE HUSBAND STORE!!

You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a
catch... you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
Happy Shopping!!!!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband...
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1: These men have jobs and love the Lord.

The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2: These men have jobs, love the Lord, and like kids.

The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3: These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the
fourth floor and sign reads:

Floor 4: These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she
goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:

Floor 5: These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6: You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!

If the grass looks greener on the other side of the fence... you can rest
assured the water bill is higher there too!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: PiperGirl on July 30, 2007, 02:44:59 PM
Here's a bit of Michigan humor for you...

ANNOUNCING....
U.P. AIR, NOW OPERATING FROM PELLSTON AND ESCANABA  AIRPORT.
YA SHURE, YA BETCHA ! DIS IS DA LATEST AIR SERVICE TO SPROUT UP IN MICHIGAN, ALSO SERVING VISCONSIN, NORT AND SOUT DAKOTA, and MINNESODA.
 
If you are travelin' soon, consider U.P. Air, da no-frills airline. You're all in da same boat on U.P. Air, vere flyin is a upliftin experience.
 
Dere is no first class on any U.P. air flight. Meals are potluck. Rows 1-6, bring rolls; 7-15, bring a salad; 16-21, a main dish, and 22-30, a dessert. Basses and tenors please sit in da rear of da aircraft.
 
Everyone is responsible for his or hers own baggage. All fares are by free vill offering and da plane will not land 'til da budget is met. Pay attention to your flight attendant, who vill acquaint you vit da safety system aboard dis U.P. Air 599.
 
Okay den, listen up. I'm only gonna say dis vonce. In da ewent of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, I am frankly going to be real surprised and so vill Captain Elmer Aho, because no maater vat FAA vants, we fly all our ruutes right around four tousand feet, so loss of cabin pressure vould probably mean da Second Coming or someting of dat nature, and I vouldn't bodar with doze liddle masks on da rubber tubes. You're gonna have bigger tings to vorry about den dat.
 
Just stuff doze back up in dair little holes. Probably da masks fell out because of turbulence vich, to be honest vit you, ve're going to have quite a bit of at four tousand feet, sort a like driving across a plowed field, but after a vile you get used to it.
 
In da event of a vater landing, I'd say forget it. Start saying da Lord's Prayer and just hope you get to da part about forgive us our sins as ve forgive doze who sin against us, vich some Catolicks people say 'Trespass against us,' vich isn't right, but vat can you do?
 
Da use of cell phones on da plane is strictly forbidden, not because day may confuse da plane's navigation system, vich is seat of da pants all da vay. No, it's because cell phones are a pain in da vazoo, and if God meant you to use a cell phone, He vould have put your mout on da side of your head.
 
Ve start lunch right about noon and it's buffet style vith da coffee pot up front. Den ve'll have da hymn sing; hymnals are in da seat pocket in front of you. Don't take yours vit you when you go or I am going to be real upset and I am not kiddin! After hymns ve vill play a medley on de airplane's ovverhed speakers of Champaane musik by Lawerence Velk.
 
Right now I'll say Grace. 'Come, Lord Jesus, be our guest and let deze gifts to us be blessed. Fadar, Son, and Holy Ghost, may ve land in Escanaba or pretty damm close.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Frank N. O. on July 30, 2007, 04:43:47 PM
Firegirl: I posted this to my best friend Chey who's a beautiful blonde, but also a university graduate with a deegree in IT technology which is her main work-field (also as a tech consultant/supporter), she'll get a great laugh from it I'm sure

Rooster Cruiser: LOL, great story, but aren't a lot of men like that too?

PiperGirl: Haha, quite a funny story and a nice contribution as your first post, welcome aboard  ::wave::

Frank
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Fabo on July 30, 2007, 05:51:42 PM
Seems like we are getting the ratio of girls to men higher, huh?


Kinda like the michegan air joike.

Vitaj do nas! A naj se ci u nas lubi!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: PiperGirl on August 02, 2007, 03:39:43 PM

Essential additions for the workplace vocabulary:  ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl::

ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.  ::complaining:

ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than by working hard.

SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.

PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The Anna Nicole show or the Bachelor is a prime example.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message"404 Not Found" (meaning that the requested document, like the person's brain, could not be located.)

GENERICA: Features of the North American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions.

OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.  ::banghead::

WOOFYS: Well Off Older Folks.

CROP DUSTING: Surreptitiously farting while passing through a cube farm, then enjoying the sounds of dismay and disgust (leads to PRAIRIE DOGGING) .

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Fabo on August 02, 2007, 05:15:20 PM
404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message"404 Not Found" (meaning that the requested document, like the person's brain, could not be located.)

I like this one most  ::bow::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on August 03, 2007, 12:04:15 AM
An attractive blonde arrived at the casinon and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude".
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed..."YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
 
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL OF THE STORY -
Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on August 03, 2007, 10:42:36 PM
Fifteen reasons why men have 2 dogs and not 2 wives:



1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A dog's parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or desk.

7. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

8. Dogs find you are amusing when you're drunk.

9. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

10. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, 'If I died, would you get another dog?'

11. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

12. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

13. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.

14 Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

15. If a dog decides to leave you, it won't take half of your stuff.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on August 04, 2007, 03:07:13 AM
With apologies to the fairer sex........And I know I am going to hell for this one.....

17 Reasons why it is easier to live with a helicopter than a woman -

1)Helicopters usually kill you quickly - a woman takes her time.

2)Helicopters can be turned on by a flick of a switch.

3) Helicopters don't get mad if you do a "touch and go."

4)Helicopters don't object to a preflight inspection.

5)Helicopters come with manuals to explain their operation.

6)Helicopters have strict weight and balance limitations.

7)Helicopters can be flown any time of the month.

8)Helicopters don't come with in-laws.

9)Helicopters don't care about how many other helicopters you've flown before.

10)Helicopters and pilots both arrive at the same time.

11)Helicopters don't mind if you look at other helicopters.

12)Helicopters don't mind if you buy "helicopter" magazines.

13)Helicopters expect to be tied down.

14)Helicopters don't comment on your driving skills.

15)Helicopters don't whine unless something is really wrong.

16) A helicopters attitude is easier to adjust!!! 

17) However, when helicopters go quiet, just like women, it's usually not good.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on August 04, 2007, 05:46:04 AM
GMan, the first time I read that, it was about Airplanes!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: PiperGirl on August 06, 2007, 03:08:47 PM
The Dot

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with marriage or religion, but the Indian Embassy in Washington , D.C. Has recently revealed the true story...

 :) :) :)



When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop or a motel in the United States . If nothing is there, he must take a job in India answering telephones giving technical advice.

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on August 07, 2007, 03:02:54 AM
LMFAO!!!   ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl::

GREAT ONE, PIPER GIRL!!!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on August 07, 2007, 04:52:53 PM
Mujibar was trying to get a job in India The Personnel Manager said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass it you cannot qualify for this job." Mujibar said, "I am ready" The manager said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green." Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister manager, I am ready" The manager said, "Go ahead." Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green , and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"

Mujibar now works as a technician at a call center for computer problems. No doubt you have spoken to him. I know I have.   

::complaining: ::complaining: ::complaining:
::banghead:: ::banghead:: ::banghead::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: PiperGirl on August 07, 2007, 08:22:19 PM
ROFL! So True So True ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: cj5_pilot on August 09, 2007, 06:40:03 AM
Heh...Ok in THAT vein:

An older gentleman who'd lost his wife years before decides it's time for some female companionship.  He goes to the local red light district and contracts a lady of negotiable affection.  They go to his apartment and start to get down to cases.  After stripping and making sure he's "protected", he starts stuffing cotton in his ears and his nostrils.  Stunned, the young lass asks just what in the world he thinks he's doing.  The gentleman answered:  "There are two things in this world I can't stand, the sound of screaming women and the smell of burning rubber!"

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on August 09, 2007, 11:54:23 PM
>
My wife and I are watching
"Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while
we are in bed.
 
I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
 
"No." She answered.
 
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
 
Yes." She replied.
 
Then I said, " I'd like to phone a friend."
 
 
That's the last thing I remember.


Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: gibbo_335 on August 10, 2007, 01:32:36 AM
 ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: HA HA Mike... I LIKE IT!!!!  ;D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Frank N. O. on August 10, 2007, 11:44:59 AM
Ok here's a joke also suited for younger viewers (as long as they knew ST:TOS that is)
From www.avweb.com

Quote
Overhead during a rather quiet evening on Minneapolis Center.

Unknown aircraft: Minneapolis Center. Still there?

Minneapolis Center: Engineering to Bridge. Aye, Captain. Tricorder readings indicate carbon-based units still infest the planet.

Frank
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Turbomallard on August 12, 2007, 10:41:14 PM
Chuck, is/was that you?

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/oukoe_uk_germany_chickens;_ylt=A0WTcVKgi79GlZ8AtgwDW7oF

TM
Title: I like #18!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on August 13, 2007, 01:01:24 AM
1. A day without sunshine is like night.
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last thinks the slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
16. Hard work pays off in the future.  Laziness pays off now.
17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the heck happened?"
22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates; it's more like a jar of jalapenos.  What you do today, might burn your rear tomorrow
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: PiperGirl on August 14, 2007, 01:42:46 AM
A Year in the Life of a Blond ;D
January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels....."duh".....bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!

March - Got excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!"  ::thinking::

April - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!!

May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August - Got locked out of car in rain storm.....car swamped, because top was down.

September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???

October - Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!

December - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the phone!!!

What a year!!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: PiperGirl on August 14, 2007, 02:00:42 AM
Once there were 3 people in an airplane, one took a bite out of
an apple. She thought it was too sweet so she threw it out of
the plane. The second person took a bite out of a lemon and she
thought it was too sour so, she threw it out of the plane. Then
the last person took a bite out of a grenade and he thought it
was too crunchy so, he threw it out of the plane. Then they
landed and decided to go for a walk. They first passed a little
girl who was crying and they asked, "little girl, little girl,
why are you crying?" and the little girl said, "an apple came
down and killed my new kitty". Next they passed a little boy
who was also crying. And they again asked, "little boy, little boy,
why are you crying?" and the little boy said, "a lemon came
down and killed my new puppy." Then they passed a blonde sitting on
the side walk laughing her butt off. They asked, "why are you
laughing so hard?" and the blonde said, "I farted and the
building behind me blew up!!"
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: gibbo_335 on August 14, 2007, 02:58:52 AM
An older, white haired man walked into a jewellery
store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.

He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."

At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought
another ring over. 

"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000" the jeweller said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the
old man stated,
"By cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque
is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify
the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, the jeweller phoned the old man.

"There's no money in that account."

"I know,"   said the old man, "But let me tell you about my weekend!"  ;D ;D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on August 15, 2007, 03:59:42 PM
I think someone or something is trying to tell me that I shouldn't go flying today.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: airtac on August 16, 2007, 08:48:37 AM
The Dot

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with marriage or religion, but the Indian Embassy in Washington , D.C. Has recently revealed the true story...

 :) :) :)



When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop or a motel in the United States . If nothing is there, he must take a job in India answering telephones giving technical advice.


Sorry Piper Girl but that's raciest
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: PiperGirl on August 16, 2007, 12:46:45 PM
The Dot

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with marriage or religion, but the Indian Embassy in Washington , D.C. Has recently revealed the true story...

 :) :) :)



When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop or a motel in the United States . If nothing is there, he must take a job in India answering telephones giving technical advice.


Sorry Piper Girl but that's raciest

I'm sorry if this offended anyone. That wasn't my intent at all. I have some Hindu friends who are excellent pilots/ mechanics and I respect their religion.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Stef on August 16, 2007, 01:34:43 PM
Here's why English is sometimes such a hard language for us foreingers...

1. The bandage was wound around the wound.
2. The farm was used to produce produce.
3. The dump was so full it had to refuse more refuse.
4. We must polish the Polish furniture.
5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7. Since there was no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10. I did not object to the object.
11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12. There was a row among the oarsmen on how to row.
13. They were too close to the door to close it.
14. The buck does funny things when does are present.
15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18. After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
22. The plain wife (wearing plain clothes) of the plainsman sat next to the plane on the plain, using a plane to plane wood from the plane tree, shouting “Why! This is plain sailing”

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Frank N. O. on August 16, 2007, 02:14:25 PM
Pipergirl: Thanks for the explanation. While I could see the joke I was a little concerned about the intention but I think this clears it up that it wasn't intended as an insult.

Stef: LOL good one, and I think there are similar funny things about other languages too, that's one of the many great things about learning about different things/places/cultures etc.

Rooster: 23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.  ::rofl:: that was so funny, but actually can be used to proove the point that one shouldn't always judge a book by it's cover (not trying to be political here but just that so many people today are called stars and looked to as rolemodels, but their behaviour is awfull!).

Frank
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on August 16, 2007, 02:16:23 PM
Sorry Piper Girl but that's raciest

Who cares?  Its funny!  This is a humor website afterall.  If you can't laugh at yourself, you're in really bad trouble.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Stef on August 16, 2007, 09:20:40 PM
Sorry Piper Girl but that's raciest

Actually it's not, because Hindu is not a race!   ::thinking::  ;)

Let's all try not to insult anyone, but not being overly politically correct either, please! How about everybody making a joke about his own country/religion/race/whatever?  ;D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: tundra_flier on August 16, 2007, 09:27:11 PM
Well since I'm Catholic I guess I can tell this one, I heard if from a Priest after all.   >:D

Question:  Is it OK to kiss a Nun?


Answer: Sure, just don't get into the Habit!

Phil
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on August 16, 2007, 11:22:29 PM
Blondes!!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: tundra_flier on August 16, 2007, 11:27:46 PM
Sorry Piper Girl but that's raciest

Actually it's not, because Hindu is not a race!   ::thinking::  ;)

Does that mean it's a religious joke then?   ::thinking::

Phil
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on August 17, 2007, 03:58:22 PM
Sorry Piper Girl but that's raciest

Actually it's not, because Hindu is not a race!   ::thinking::  ;)

Let's all try not to insult anyone, but not being overly politically correct either, please! How about everybody making a joke about his own country/religion/race/whatever?   ;D

I already have, Steph... I already have!

http://www.chickenwingscomics.com/forum/index.php?topic=20.msg16751#msg16751

http://www.chickenwingscomics.com/forum/index.php?topic=894.msg17152#msg17152

Here's yet another one:

Arguing with a Truck Driver is like wrestling with a pig in the mud.  After a while... you realize the pig enjoys it!   >:D >:D >:D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Fabo on August 17, 2007, 07:38:29 PM
Now that is hard, producing a written joke about me you would understand...

U know I get into funny situations all the time (and mostly intentionally ;) ) but this proves it is an impossible mission for me to follow its objectives...

Stef, if you wish to include this in your quotes, you have the right of copyright owner  ;D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: cj5_pilot on August 18, 2007, 03:00:47 AM
A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands.  On their wedding night, she told her new husband "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin".

"What?" said the puzzled groom.  "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?"

"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Rep; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

"Husband #2 was in Tech Support; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but said he'd look in to it and get back with me.

"Husband #3 was from Field Services.  He said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

"Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

"Husband #5 was an Engineer.  He understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement and design a new state of the art method.

"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

"Husband #7 was in Marketing.  Although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

"Husband #8 was a Gynecologist and all he did was look at it.

"Husband #9 was a Psychiatrist, all he did was talk about it.

"Husband #10 was a Stamp Collecter; all he ever did was.....GOD I miss him!

"But now I've married you and I'm so excited!"

"Wonderful," said the husband, "but why?"

"Because you are with the GOVERNMENT!!!!....This time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed!"

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: airtac on August 19, 2007, 02:32:21 PM
OKOKOK----sheesh! So I was having a bad night when I responded to Piper Girls Hindu joke............ ::drinking::
To apologize, I'll try to insult as many groups as I can, here go's:

How do you get a bunch of mexicans in a car?
Throw a dollar in it.

How do you get them out?
Throw in a job application!!!


What do you call a Native American who drives a train?
"AN INJUNEER!"


Why do people take spanish?
So they can get their orders right when they go to McDonalds.

A black guy and a Mexican guy opened a restaurant.
It's called Nacho Mama.


How do you stop an iraqi tank?
Shoot the guy pushing it.


When is the best day to drive in CAlFORNIA?
Sunday - The mexicans cars won't start, all the blacks are in Jail, and all the Jews are in Palm Springs.


Q: Is it better to be born black or gay?

A: Black - because you don't have to tell your folks.


When is the only time you can spit in a Persian womans face?
When her mustache is on fire!

What do you call a guy with his hand up a camels ass?
An Afghani mechanic!


Redneck took his daughter to the Gynocologist they were in the room waiting for the doctor, the doctor walked in and asked the father what are we here for today the father said to get my daughter on birth control, the doctor then asked the father so is your daughter sexually active, the father said no, she just lays there like her mother.


Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: want2fly on August 19, 2007, 10:19:48 PM
Great jokes, i got to remember some of these.

Thanks cj5_pilot and airtac!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on August 20, 2007, 04:22:51 PM
UNANSWERED  QUESTIONS

1.  Ever  wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of  Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 

2. Isn't  making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a  swimming pool? (My sentiments exactly)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


3. If 4 out of 5  people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys  it? 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 

4. There are  three religious truths:
a  Jews do not recognize Jesus  as the Messiah.
b. Protestants do not  recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith. 
c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the  liquor store or at Hooters

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 

5. If people from  Poland are called Poles, then why aren't people  from Holland called Holes? 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 

6. Do infants enjoy  infancy as much as some adults enjoy adultery?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 

7. If a pig loses  its voice, is it disgruntled?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~!  *~*~*~*

8. Why do croutons come in  airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with? 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~* 

9. Why is a  person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 

10. Why isn't the  number 11 pronounced onety-one?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 
11. If  lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn't it follow that  electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed? 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 

12. If Fed Ex and UPS were to  merge, would they call it Fed UP?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 

13. Do Lipton Tea  employees take coffee breaks?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 

14. What hair color do they  put on the driver's licenses of bald men? 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 

15. I was thinking  about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older;  then it dawned on me..they're cramming for their final exam. 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 

16. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 

17. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail? 

*~*~!  *~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

18.  If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 

19 You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 

20. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag? 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 

21. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose? 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 


24.  As  income tax time approaches, did you ever notice: When you put the two words  "The" and "IRS" together, it spells
"THEIRS"?

"Calling an illegal alien an "undocumented immigrant"
is like calling a  drug dealer an "unlicensed pharmacist".
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Frank N. O. on August 20, 2007, 05:28:03 PM
UNANSWERED  QUESTIONS

1.  Ever  wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of  Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
Good one, but not as good as the Japanese company selling 2 ounces of Hawaiian water for over 30 dollars! And it gets better, they say you should thin it with normal water before drinking it! Concentrated water!?!?!? And of course they claim big health benefits galore!

This is just so comical that I'm posting it here even though it's supposedly real and should be posted in the news (aka links) section where Baradium is the resident skilled newshound (this is actually a moniker used for an old member at the small but friendly Racerplanet cargame-forum I've hung out at for years. A veteran-member there often posted tons of different/interesting/shocking news from around the world too).

Frank
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: want2fly on August 21, 2007, 04:04:06 PM
Q: What do you get if you mix an onion and a donkey?

A: A piece of @$$ that will bring a tear to you eye.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: arandomguy on August 21, 2007, 04:08:50 PM
wow, very funny everyone i can't think of a good joke to post  ::banghead::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: gibbo_335 on August 21, 2007, 11:37:58 PM
Do you know what "TENJOOBERRYMUDS"  ??? means? After reading the following conversation you will be able to understand the term

With a little patience, you'll be able to fit right in with the growing trend!!!

Now, here goes...

The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and Room-service:

Room Service (RS): "Morrin.  Roon sirbees."

Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."

RS: " Rye .  Roon sirbees...morrin!  Joowish to oddor sunteen???"

G: "Uh.....  Yes, I'd like to order bacon and eggs."

RS: "Ow July den?"

G: ".....What??"

RS: "Ow July den?!?...  Pryed, boyud, poochd?"

G: "Oh, the eggs!  How do I like them?  Sorry...  Scrambled, please."

RS: "Ow July dee baykem?  Crease?"

G: "Crisp will be fine."

RS: "Hokay.  An Sahn toes?"

G: "What?"

RS: "An toes.  July Sahn toes?"

G: "I...  Don't think so"

RS: "No?  Judo wan sahn toes???"

G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan Sahn toes' means."

RS: "Toes!  Toes!...Why Joo don Juan toes?  Ow bow Anglish moppin weed bodder?"

G: "Oh, English muffin!!!  I've got it!  You were saying 'toast'...Fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

RS: "Weed bodder?"

G: "No, just put the bodder on the side."

RS: "Wad?!?"

G: "I mean butter...  Just put the butter on the side."

RS: "Copy?"

G: "Excuse me?"

RS: "Copy...tea...meel?"

G: "Yes.  Coffee, please...  And that's everything."

RS: "One Minnie.  Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin, weed Bodder on sigh and copy..  Rye??"

G: "Whatever you say."

RS: "Tenjooberrymuds."

G: "You're welcome."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: AirScorp on August 22, 2007, 03:40:18 AM
As we say in Greece, it's all Chinese to me!



and since there was an unanswered question joke, although I just answered the first one:

-How do Greeks say "It's all Greek to me"?
-How do Greeks say "Greek love"?



PS. Answer also "It's all Alaburneez to me", don't know what that is :)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: cj5_pilot on August 22, 2007, 06:16:44 AM
Gib...I think I talked to the room service guy the other day at Quick Books customer service........
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: PiperGirl on August 22, 2007, 01:31:37 PM
UNANSWERED  QUESTIONS

1.  Ever  wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of  Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 


Hehehe... This one made me remember a *true* story from when I was working as an EMT. We had a patient one day that claimed he had overdosed on some medication accidentally. He complained of headache, dizziness... the whole works. When we asked him what meds he was on and what he had overdosed on, he said Obecal P and showed us the bottle. The patient didn't know what it was prescribed for, just that it  "would make him feel better." Neither my partner or I had heard of that med before... Then after a bit of head scratching we figured it out... Placebo... ::banghead:: ::rofl:: This guy was completely convinced that he was going to die... We told him to drink some water to "minimize the effect" and assured him he would be just fine... He said he felt much better after that...
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: want2fly on August 22, 2007, 03:22:28 PM
did you ever tell him the truth? or did you just keep it a secret?

My brother was just sitting on the arm of the couch and just randomly fell off.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: arandomguy on August 22, 2007, 03:32:33 PM
pipergirl, well, thats an interesting story. you kinda gotta feel sorry for the guy that thought he was gonna die
 ::rofl::  ::loony::  ::type:: i dunno why i just put those on

want2fly, in my defense i stepped on something that really hurt
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: BrianGMFS on August 22, 2007, 06:17:08 PM
Quote
This one made me remember a *true* story from when I was working as an EMT

OHHHH NOOOOO!!!!! Another Reformed Street Pizza Picker-Upper  ::rofl::  ::rofl::  ::rofl::  ::rofl::

I Did EMS for 12 years... 9 1/2 years as my Job, 3 years as a Volly. I sure don't miss the 3 am nursing home LOLFDGB (Little Old Lady Fall Down Go Boom) calls  ;D but the amazing stupidity of some of the members of the human race made for some interesting stories  ::loony::

Brian
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on August 22, 2007, 07:12:34 PM
Well, the very first night I was sleeping at home by myself (it's quite big), with no parents and brother (no, I did not throw a party...) I was so nervous that my heart started beating like a fool. 30 minutes or so later, my left arm was aching really hard. I had thought I was going to die for an heart attack. when I call the ER, they were serious until the moment they asked me my age. I replied 15 or something alike. The man started laughing and told me, listen honey, get a chamomile and go back to bed....and tomorrow, go to you granny to sleep. I'm quite sure you will not encounter the same problem anymore!!!!!  :-[ :-[ :-[ :-[
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on August 22, 2007, 07:15:13 PM
Do you know what "TENJOOBERRYMUDS"  ??? means? After reading the following conversation you will be able to understand the term

RS: "Tenjooberrymuds."

G: "You're welcome."

Gibbooo! I can cach all the others,  but TENJOOBERRYMUDS is still a secret!!! Any help???
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: PiperGirl on August 22, 2007, 07:16:50 PM
did you ever tell him the truth? or did you just keep it a secret?

We didn't want the poor doctor to have to come up with another "medication". ::whistle::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: PiperGirl on August 22, 2007, 07:20:40 PM
Do you know what "TENJOOBERRYMUDS"  ??? means? After reading the following conversation you will be able to understand the term

RS: "Tenjooberrymuds."

G: "You're welcome."

Gibbooo! I can cach all the others,  but TENJOOBERRYMUDS is still a secret!!! Any help???
Happy, You'll have to practice your Ebonics :D Thank you Very Much ;D Again courtesy of EMS I learned far more Ebonics than i ever imagined  ::thinking::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Fabo on August 22, 2007, 07:28:55 PM
Do you know what "TENJOOBERRYMUDS"  ??? means? After reading the following conversation you will be able to understand the term

RS: "Tenjooberrymuds."

G: "You're welcome."

Gibbooo! I can cach all the others,  but TENJOOBERRYMUDS is still a secret!!! Any help???

Usual act of decorum usually after someone has given somthing to you. Replied by "You are welcome", "No problem at all", "Any time" and similar  ;)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: AirScorp on August 22, 2007, 10:11:31 PM
Placebo? I just remembered a Pink Floyd song: "Blue Skies, blue skies  ::whistle::"
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: want2fly on August 23, 2007, 11:54:12 AM
did you ever tell him the truth? or did you just keep it a secret?

We didn't want the poor doctor to have to come up with another "medication". ::whistle::

they should have give the guy sugar cubes as "medication" after that, then he would still be running around and yelling random junk.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Fabo on August 23, 2007, 03:53:53 PM
Placebo? I just remembered a Pink Floyd song: "Blue Skies, blue skies  ::whistle::"

Hmm... I think it was Good-bye blue skies, but whatever... nice song... gotta have learning to fly played.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: AirScorp on August 23, 2007, 07:11:09 PM
Of course it's Goodbye blue sky! Just said that because placebos were often referred to as Blue-skies!

Put on some Tom Petty too while you're at it!

PS. If I need any treatment, I'd take (flying the) blue skies anyday..
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on August 24, 2007, 02:13:32 AM
TEN THINGS MEN KNOW FOR SURE ABOUT WOMEN.



1.



2.



3.



4.



5.



6.



7.



8.



9.



10. They have breasts.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on August 24, 2007, 02:21:41 AM
 It's that time of year to take our annual senior citizen test.



Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it!

Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence.



Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not. The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer. OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.





1. What do you put in a toaster?




















Answer: "bread." If you said "toast," give up now and do something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, bread, go to Question 2.




2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk." What do cows drink?



















Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," don't attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World. However, if you said "water", proceed to question 3.






3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?



















Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks," why the hell are you still reading these??? If you said "glass," go on to Question 4.




4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is ?flying at 20,000 feet over Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany..) Anyway, during the flight, TWO engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East Germany and West Germany.. Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany, West Germany, or no man's land"?



















Answer: You don't bury survivors. If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop. If you said, "You don't bury survivors", proceed to the next question.






5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus; In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff , 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver?

















Answer: Oh, for crying out loud! Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU!!




Now pass this along to all your friends and pray they do better than you.

PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions ....guess that means I'm not quite ready for the alzheimers unit at the local nursing home!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Baradium on August 25, 2007, 05:41:22 AM
(http://tundracomics.com/pages/images/DAILY_JPEGS/05-29-07.jpg)

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Frank N. O. on August 25, 2007, 05:50:56 AM
Uhm, shouldn't that be right instead of left? Ppulling more on the left would turn the sled right wouldn't it? Like if you're flying a conventional parallel twin and there's more thrust on the left engine then it would yaw to the right, right?

Frank
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Baradium on August 25, 2007, 06:02:47 AM
Good catch frank.

(http://tundracomics.com/pages/images/DAILY_JPEGS/04-26-07.jpg)

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on August 26, 2007, 02:30:41 AM
The Things men say, and what they really mean


"I'M GOING FISHING"
Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"IT'S A GUY THING"
Means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical".

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Means: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR..."
Means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Means: "I have no idea how it works."

"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
Means: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."

"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD".
Means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Means: "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Means: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES".
Means: "The girl selling them on the corner had great tits."

"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Means: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING".
Means: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Means: "What did you catch me at?"

"I HEARD YOU."
Means: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me."

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE"
Means: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC"
Means: "Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Means: "No one will ever see us alive again."

"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK"
Means: "I make the messes, she cleans them up."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on August 26, 2007, 05:18:16 AM
Good ones, Gil!!!  I had to email them out to all my buddies!   ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::bow:: ::bow:: ::bow::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Frank N. O. on August 26, 2007, 08:08:29 PM
Thanks Baradium, I was a little unsure if I was right since the mistake wasn't mentioned in the post.

Ok, here's something from computerworld.dk, a danish computermagazine that held a contest for the best IT-joke and the one that won is so funny that I'm translating it from danish and posting it here.

Quote
A man in a hot-air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced his altitude and saw a woman on the ground. He descended lower and called out to the woman "Excuse me can you help me? I scheduled a meeting with a friend an hour ago but I don't know where I am!"

The woman answered: "You're roughly 30 foot above sea-level at 50deg 41' 47" north lattitude and 10deg 12' 47" west longitude."

"You must be a technician", the man said.

"I am", the woman replied, "but how did you know that?"

"Well", the man said, "everything you said was technically correct but I have no idea what to use the information for. And fact is that I still don't know where I am. The only thing I've gotten out of your help is that I've gotten even more late".

The woman on the ground replied: "You must be a leader"

"I am", the man replied, "but how could you know that?"

"Simple. You don't know where you are or where you're going. You rose up with the help of hot air. You made an agreement you're incapable of keeping, and you expect people below you to solve your problem. The fact is that you're in the same situation as before you met me but now it's suddently my fault!"

Frank
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on August 29, 2007, 06:46:47 PM
I dunno if this one has been posted here before or not.  Most US readers will understand!  Hehe.


"Kentucky Vasectomy"

 
A Kentucky couple, both certified rednecks, had nine children.  They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband "fixed."

The doctor gladly started the required procedure and asked them what finally made them make the decision do this.

Why after nine children, the husband replied,  they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in the United States was Mexican, and they didn't want to take a chance on having a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: AirScorp on August 29, 2007, 07:29:33 PM
 ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: PiperGirl on August 29, 2007, 08:57:44 PM
I had heard these before, but they were just forwarded to me again, and made me laugh... so here you go. :)

For everyone who has ever had a job evaluation -  Hopefully you had it better than this.

These are actual quotes taken  from National government employee performance  evaluations:

1. "Since my last report, this employee has  reached rock-bottom and has started to dig"

2. "I would  not allow this employee to breed."

3. "This employee is really  not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't  be."

4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered  like a rat in a trap."

5. "When he opens his mouth, it  seems that it is only to change feet."

6. "This young lady  has delusions of adequacy."

7. "He sets low personal standards  and then consistently fails to achieve them."

8. "This  employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts  the better."

10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic  thingy to hold it all together."

11. "A gross ignoramus -  144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

12. "He  doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

13. "I would like to go  hunting with him sometime."

14. "He's been working with glue too  much."

15. "He would argue with a signpost."

16.  "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

17. "When  his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

18. "If you see two people  talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."

19. "A  photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

20. "A  prime candidate for natural de-selection."

21. "Donated his brain  to science before he was done using it."

22. "Gates are down,  the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming." (my personal favorite)

23.  "He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for  it."

24. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered  twice a week."

25. "If you give him a penny for his  thoughts, you'd get change."

26. "If you stand close enough to  him, you can hear the ocean."

27. "It's hard to believe he beat  out 1,000,000 other sperm."

28. "One neuron short of a  synapse."

29. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only  gargled."

30. "Takes him 2 hours to watch  60-minutes."
Title: Groaners...
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on August 30, 2007, 06:05:28 AM
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.

 The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

 

 2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

 

 3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

 

 4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

 

 5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says "A beer please, and one for the road."

 

 

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

 

 

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.

 "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."

 "Is it common?"

 "Well, it's not unusual."

 

 8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning.

 "I don't believe you, "says Dolly.

 "It's true, no bull!"

 

 9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

 

 10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

 

 

 11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

 

 12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"

         The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

 

 13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

 

 14. What do you call a fish with no eyes?  A fsh.

 

 15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!"

 

 16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

 

 17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

 

"But why?", they asked, as they moved off.

 

"Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

 

 

18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan."

 

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.

 

Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

 

 19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

 

This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

 

 

 And finally,

 

20. There was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh.

 No pun in ten did.
 
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: AirScorp on August 30, 2007, 11:36:49 AM
I think I blew a circuit.. Bzzzzt!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Frank N. O. on August 30, 2007, 09:51:06 PM
Hahahahaha, I love number 10!!!  ::rofl:: That would be useful as a reply to an over-boasting pilot:

You: I think I'm experiencing Deja-Moo
Pilot: Deja-Moo?
You: Yeah, I think I've hear this bull before!

Frank
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on August 30, 2007, 10:37:49 PM
Hahahahaha, I love number 10!!!  ::rofl:: That would be useful as a reply to an over-boasting pilot:

You: I think I'm experiencing Deja-Moo
Pilot: Deja-Moo?
You: Yeah, I think I've hear this bull before!

Frank
As a matter of fact, I had to use this one just this morning while I was visiting the airport!  Hehe.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on August 30, 2007, 10:43:41 PM
Red Tomatoes

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red.

One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?" The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."

Well, the woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best.

One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?" No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on August 30, 2007, 10:57:36 PM
The Quickie

Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office.... but she was dating someone else.  One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, "I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you..."

The girl looked at him, then said, "NO."

Eddie said, "I'll be real fast.  I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up."  She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend.... so she called him and explained the situation.  Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the money really fast.  He won't even be able to get his pants down."  She agreed and accepted the proposal. 

Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call.  Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls  and asks what happened....?  Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, "The bastard had all quarters!"

Management lesson:
Always consider a business proposition in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: arandomguy on August 31, 2007, 03:53:49 PM
The Quickie

Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office.... but she was dating someone else.  One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, "I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you..."

The girl looked at him, then said, "NO."

Eddie said, "I'll be real fast.  I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up."  She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend.... so she called him and explained the situation.  Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the money really fast.  He won't even be able to get his pants down."  She agreed and accepted the proposal. 

Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call.  Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls  and asks what happened....?  Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, "The bastard had all quarters!"

Management lesson:
Always consider a business proposition in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed





 ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: it could have been worse, he could have had pennies
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on August 31, 2007, 08:52:43 PM
 A retired corporate executive, now a widower, decided
to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean
Cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that
is, until the ship sank. He found himself on an island
with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only
bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one
day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen
rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks, "Where did
you come from? How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed from the other side of the island.
I landed here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have
a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat
out of raw material I found on the island. The oars
were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the
bottom from palm branches , and the sides and stern
came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman.
"On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum
of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a
certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile
iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make
the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says. After a few
minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf.

As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat.
Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite
bungalow painted in blue and white.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly
woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead,
dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says
casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down,
please. Would you like a drink?"

" No! No thank you," he blurts out, still dazed "I can't
take another drop of coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a
still. How would you like a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man
accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.

After they have exchanged their stories, the woman
announces, "I'm going to slip into something more
comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and
shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom
cabinet."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into
the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, a razor made
from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed
to a hollow ground edge is fastened on to its end
inside a swivel mechanism. "This woman is
amazing," he muses. "What next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing
but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling
faintly of gardenias. She beckons for hi m to sit
down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer
to him, "We've been out here for many months.
You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure
you really feel like doing right now, something
you've been longing for?" She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean . . "
he swallows excitedly and tears start to form in
his eyes.

"Don't tell me you've built a Golf Course!"
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: AirScorp on August 31, 2007, 11:10:09 PM
Mr. Niagara WHO?????????  ::sweat::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: chuckar101 on September 01, 2007, 04:39:59 AM
A Mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up.

Then she saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Mom' With the worst premonition she opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.


Dear Mom,:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Mom she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Mom. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love,
Your Son Jon


P.S. Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer.

I love you.
Call me when it's safe to come home.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: arandomguy on September 01, 2007, 10:44:20 AM
chuckar101, i wonder if that works in real like, i guess i'll try it for when i get my report card  >:D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Fabo on September 03, 2007, 04:53:53 PM
They jsut got online reports running at my school (D'OH!!!!!)

I have heard this about girl anyway.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: gibbo_335 on September 04, 2007, 05:25:15 AM
I SO KNOW this feeling  ;D ;D ;D...oopss sorry Dear  ;)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: PiperGirl on September 04, 2007, 06:52:52 PM
Two blind pilots were both wearing dark glasses. One is using a guide dog and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.

 Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. 

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge  of the airport. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into  the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.

At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly and soon all retreat into their magazines,  secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "Ya know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die"
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: AirScorp on September 04, 2007, 11:29:40 PM
A little one I made up last night while in a conversation about principles of flight.
It correlates perfectly with our own FAA.



The four forces acting on an airplane in flight are: thrust, lift, gravity and drag.
Drag in particular comes in three forms: Induced drag, parasitic drag and the FAA (Owww!!!! What a drag!!!!!)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: PiperGirl on September 05, 2007, 12:03:11 PM
heheeh! Nice Scorp!  ;D  ::rofl::
Title: Letter from Redneck parents to a redneck son
Post by: FlyboyGil on September 06, 2007, 02:58:50 PM
Dearest Son, I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast.
> >
> > We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the
> > newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we
> > moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last
> > family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they
> > wouldn't have to change their address.
> >
> > This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure
> > about it though. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We
> > haven't seen them since.
> >
> > The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time
 for three days and the second time for four days.
> >
> > Auntie Maude has sent you a pair of socks she knit, she put a third one in
 because she heard you have grown another foot since she last saw you.
> >
> > About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy said it would be
> > too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and
> > put them in the pockets.
> >
> > Jimmy locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because
 it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
> >
> > Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is
> > yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks just like
> > your brother.
> >
> > Uncle Bobby fell into a screech vat last week. Some men tried to pull him
> > out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated, he burned for
 three days.
> >
> > Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was
> > driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two
> > friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the
> > tailgate down.
> >
> > There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal
> > has happened.
> >
Love Mom
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on September 08, 2007, 08:37:40 PM
A blond walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that, they don't sell rectum deodorant and never have.

Unfazed, the blond assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.

"I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "We don't have any."
 
"But, I always buy it here!" says the blond.
 
"Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist.
 
"Yes," said the blond, "I'll go home and get it."

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."

Annoyed, the blond snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container .......

"TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on September 08, 2007, 09:43:39 PM

 ::thinking:: ::thinking::
http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&VideoID=17564416
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Frank N. O. on September 09, 2007, 07:28:56 AM
Gil: Ok, I'm all awake now. Next time I think I think I'll be a little more carefeul about what link I saw, that was kind of scary and as said in the blooper post then I just woke up.

Frank
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on September 13, 2007, 05:41:50 PM
Choosing A Wife
A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gave each woman a present of $5,000 and watched to see what they do with the money.
The first did a total make over. She went to a fancy beauty salon got her hair done, new make up and bought several new outfits and dressed up very nicely for the man. She told him that she had done this to be more a attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.
The second went shopping to buy the man gifts. She got him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presented these gifts, she told him that she had spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man was impressed.


The third invested the money in the stock market. She earned several times the $5,000. She gave him back his $5,000 and reinvested the remainder in a joint account. She told him that she wanted to save for their future because she loves him so much.


Obviously, the man was impressed.


The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her....


Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.

Men are like that, you know.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on September 13, 2007, 07:20:28 PM
Wheres Happy?  :( :( I miss her unique insight into the issues, and most of all I miss her smutty jokes
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: gibbo_335 on September 13, 2007, 07:57:28 PM
Wheres Happy?  :( :( I miss her unique insight into the issues, and most of all I miss her smutty jokes

Yeah Gilly, we are missing a few people, Happy, 'Mom, Airtac just name a few  :'( where are you guys??
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: want2fly on September 13, 2007, 10:44:53 PM
Wheres Happy?  :( :( I miss her unique insight into the issues, and most of all I miss her smutty jokes

Yeah Gilly, we are missing a few people, Happy, 'Mom, Airtac just name a few  :'( where are you guys??

They were the ones that posted a lot and kept the forums interesting with different insights on jokes and stuff.

::rambo:: ::rambo:: ::rambo:: ::rambo:: ::rambo:: ::rambo:: ::rambo:: ::rambo:: ::rambo::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: chuckar101 on September 14, 2007, 04:51:54 AM
There all probably stuck in the middle of nowhere, on some fire, where theres no internet for hundreds of miles(been there done that) ::banghead:: ::banghead::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on September 14, 2007, 05:57:33 AM
There all probably stuck in the middle of nowhere, on some fire, where theres no internet for hundreds of miles(been there done that) ::banghead:: ::banghead::

Bummer...

As for me; I'm stuck in central Mexico on a five day trip.  No fires here, but I do have my family with me so I gotta behave... ::angel::  At least I have found enough time to continue posting.  I just tell my better half that this is part of my job description and I MUST stay connected no matter where I go.  ::type::

...Yeah, yeah, yer right... that's a Bullshit argument but that's my story and I'm sticking to it!   ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on September 17, 2007, 05:23:02 AM
I JUST RAN INTO SOCCERMOM!!!
...in Twin Falls, Idaho.

We got to BS for only 10min since my ship hadto go to Vernal to a fire.
It was good times thoug! Lots of laughs!  ::rofl::

I hope that all the fire guys will be back soon since the season is coming to an end!

No trace of Happy though  :-[ :-\ :'(
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: gibbo_335 on September 17, 2007, 07:52:47 PM
I JUST RAN INTO SOCCERMOM!!!
...in Twin Falls, Idaho.

We got to BS for only 10min since my ship hadto go to Vernal to a fire.
It was good times thoug! Lots of laughs!  ::rofl::

I hope that all the fire guys will be back soon since the season is coming to an end!

No trace of Happy though  :-[ :-\ :'(

MIKE thanks for the up date!  Next time you see 'Mom say  ::wave:: ::wave:: ::wave:: ::wave:: HI from me will ya??!!

Happy come back  ::wave:: ::wave::
Title: Sara Pipalini
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on September 18, 2007, 02:26:52 AM
Sara Pipalini

 Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.

 At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He
 says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting
 you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be.

 The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;"
 And *poof* she's gone.

 The second says, "I want to be Madonna and *poof*
 she's gone.

 The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."

 St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he asked.

 "Sara Pipalini," replies the nun.

 St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry,
 but that name just doesn't ring a bell."

 The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit
 and hands it to St. Peter.

 St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He
 hands it back to her and says.


 "No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara
 Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."

 ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: gibbo_335 on September 18, 2007, 03:29:55 AM
WWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE R/C now THATS funny stuff!!!!! :D :D :D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: TheSoccerMom on September 19, 2007, 03:45:14 AM
HEYYY!!!!!!!!!!!

I just ran into Mikey!!!!!   :D    ;D    :D    ;D     

Talk about too long between encounters -- wow!!  It has been ages, but we did have a GREAT giggle out on the ramp.  Mikey, after you flew away, I sure got a ration from the Jumpers.   ;)  They were all laughing at us.   ::rofl::  So, I promised I'd get my medication adjusted.   ;)

Hope the Vernal hop is a good one.  I bet we will be down the road shortly....  it even rained for a little while today....  that termination axe is about to fall....   ::wave::

I've missed all you Crazy Chickens!!     ::wave::                ::wave::                  ::wave::                    ::wave::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: AirScorp on September 19, 2007, 01:33:23 PM
Welcome back Mom!

Guys I think I am in need of some procrastination jokes. You know, putting off things indefinitely. Something to do with my psychology right now.
So please put your humour masterminds at work and indulge me.

I'd make the first one, but I think I'll feel more like it some other time ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on September 19, 2007, 08:17:42 PM
Ok Nick... how about this one:


PROCRASTINATORS UNITE.......
















...TOMORROW!  ::loony:: ::loony:: ::loony::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: AirScorp on September 19, 2007, 09:59:48 PM
 ::rofl::
More, I need more!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on September 20, 2007, 06:48:38 PM
WOMAN'S LOVE POEM


          Before I lay me down to sleep,

          I pray for a man, who's not a creep.

          One who's handsome, smart and strong.

          One who loves to listen long.

          One who thinks before he speaks.

          One who'll call, not wait for weeks.

          I pray he's gainfully employed.

          When I spend cash, won't be annoyed.

          Pulls out my chair and opens my door.

          Massages my back and begs to do more.

          Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind.

          Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"

          I pray that this man will love me to no end,

          And always be my very best friend.



          MAN'S LOVE POEM


          I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with

          huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,

          and loves to send me fishing and hunting. This

          doesn't rhyme and I don't give a sh!t.

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on September 20, 2007, 06:49:21 PM
 A woman  scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man,  Standing alone.  She approached him. 'My name is Carmen,' she told him.   'That's a beautiful name,' he replied, 'Is it a family name?'

    'No,' she replied. 'I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like  most -- cars and men.'

    'What's your name?' she asked.
    He said,  'Bob Titsenbeer'
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Fabo on September 20, 2007, 07:05:30 PM
A woman  scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man,  Standing alone.  She approached him. 'My name is Carmen,' she told him.   'That's a beautiful name,' he replied, 'Is it a family name?'

    'No,' she replied. 'I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like  most -- cars and men.'

    'What's your name?' she asked.
    He said,  'Bob Titsenbeer'

That was a nice one... I really needed this :)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on September 21, 2007, 01:52:12 AM
Hmmm. . . .

I once thought of becoming a procrastinator. . .


. . . but I kept putting it off.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on September 21, 2007, 01:54:13 AM
Procrastination . . .

. . . the art of keeping up with yesterday!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on September 21, 2007, 03:49:48 AM
Procrastination . . .

. . . the art of keeping up with yesterday!


Dude!  I love it!   ::bow:: ::bow:: ::bow::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on September 21, 2007, 03:54:36 AM
and here the definition:



DEFINITION OF PROCRASTINATION: Why put off today what you can put off again tomorrow.  ;D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on September 21, 2007, 04:08:20 AM
and here the best procrastination joke ever:




                                        *** COMING SOON ***





 ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on September 21, 2007, 05:29:54 AM
and here the definition:



DEFINITION OF PROCRASTINATION: Why put off today what you can put off again tomorrow.  ;D

Funny you mention this phrase---My first wife, (she was Jarman), would always yell at me, (and excuse my spelling--its purely phonetic): "Was man huete canbis orgin, das vashiba nicht auf morgan". I believe it means the same---hence I divorced her.........  ::whistle::

Now here is what I just thought of while trying to type this:

Why is PHONETIC not spelled with an "F"???????   ::thinking::

Oh and one more...

I was cured of indecisiveness...




But I'm not so sure now.......
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: AirScorp on September 21, 2007, 08:53:42 AM
Procrastination . . .

. . . the art of keeping up with yesterday!


Ohhhh!!!! The truth!!!!!!  ::bow::


Why is PHONETIC not spelled with an "F"???????   ::thinking::

I could attempt an explanation but it would ruin the joke of it  ;D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: AirScorp on September 21, 2007, 06:33:32 PM
This one came through my mail. Sorry for the size.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Frank N. O. on September 21, 2007, 06:41:24 PM
 ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: |:)\

Edit: Joke deleted.

Frank
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on September 21, 2007, 10:59:57 PM
Hey Frank! you know G-man has a pony tail, right?!


edit!

HEY!
you erased your ponytail joke!!

now my post doesn't make sense!!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Frank N. O. on September 21, 2007, 11:07:16 PM
Mike: Uhm, no I didn't, I don't remember his picture.
Gil was right.

Frank
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on September 21, 2007, 11:08:42 PM
HA HA!!  ::rofl::

Just messing with you!
No, he doesn't!  ::wave::

But yeah, Gil is right!

Good try though, Frank!!

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on September 21, 2007, 11:12:11 PM
Hey Frank! you know G-man has a pony tail, right?!

Ahhhhhhhhh the games begin---good one...I just cant think of a good response right now, but its coming....
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on September 21, 2007, 11:39:13 PM
HA HA!!  ::rofl::

Just messing with you!
No, he doesn't!  ::wave::

But yeah, Gil is right!

Good try though, Frank!!

Glad you agree I'm right. Of course I'm right. I'm always right. What am I right about? ??? ???  ::loony:: ::loony:: ::loony:: ::loony:: ::loony::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Frank N. O. on September 21, 2007, 11:48:53 PM
I posted a joke from Jasper Carrott about ponytails after seeing the pilot drawings and said underneath btw I wasn't sure if anyone here had one. Mike posted that afterwards without any smilies and I got worried I'd offended someone so I removed it. It was an attempt at a slightly rude joke, but I guess I can't tell them, I'm too much of a gentleman so I'll just listen to the ones the ladies tell anyway (by ladies I mean Soccermom and Happylanding, not G-Man of course).

Frank
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on September 22, 2007, 01:05:21 AM
I posted a joke from Jasper Carrott about ponytails after seeing the pilot drawings and said underneath btw I wasn't sure if anyone here had one. Mike posted that afterwards without any smilies and I got worried I'd offended someone so I removed it. It was an attempt at a slightly rude joke, but I guess I can't tell them, I'm too much of a gentleman so I'll just listen to the ones the ladies tell anyway (by ladies I mean Soccermom and Happylanding, not G-Man of course).

Frank

Gosh Frank, you're so busy trying to avoid offending someone you're in danger of tripping over yourself!  Lighten up, Dude.  I was laughing at your joke.   ::bow:: ::bow:: ::bow::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: AirScorp on September 22, 2007, 01:40:56 AM
Frank, I DO have a pony-tail. But I never got to see the joke.

So, please repost that picture so I can have a hard laugh on myself  ::wave::


PS: See that little fellow that's my avatar? That's me, ponytail, bass and all. Drew it myself too!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Frank N. O. on September 22, 2007, 02:06:03 AM
Well I was merely being cautious because there are plenty of people that don't think about effects of their actions. It was really only because Mike's post seemed serious with no smilies to hint at a joke from his side that I thought G-Man might truly be upset, although in hindsight I should've guessed that Mike was joking since people here know me (or at least I think they do) and know that I never intend to offend people but just want to spread friendly joy.

So with no further delays here's the joke I originally posted, as heard told by english comic Jasper Carrot (it was after talking about men that insisted on wearing a ponytail even though they were bald on top): That's why you call it a ponytail because when you lift it up there a BEEP-hole underneath (this btw got a major laugh-roar from the crowd). It was btw as said something I thought about when seeing the drawing of the captains cap on the horse's rear-end (hinting at the negative title: Horse's ***) and that made me think of the pony-tail joke.

Nick: Very nice drawing! Ever thought about doing a guest-strip for CW?
Frank
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on September 22, 2007, 02:35:52 AM
" I thought G-Man might truly be upset"

The only time I get upset is when I spill my "Martooni"...

wearing a ponytail even though they were bald on top

You know this is called a "Skillet"  ::rofl::  ::rofl::  ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: AirScorp on September 22, 2007, 02:52:38 AM
Yea I guess that one came out quite good  ;D But I draw like three times a year so..  ::whistle::

There's a story behind that drawing but it's a little too personal for you to find it quite as funny as I do:

Getting a rejection from a girl has a slang term in Greece that translates something like "She threw a pie at me"
So once, I hit on a girl that I must have liked for some 5 years (I was like 15). While I was talking and having my young heart spread open in front of her, she kept just looking up.
So I asked "What are you looking at?" to which she replied "You better look up too, there's a pie on a free-fall to your head"

Hence in the drawing I'm looking up in concern. I kept it to remind me not to be as self-conscious and insecure as I was.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on September 22, 2007, 02:57:33 AM
(http://i76.photobucket.com/albums/j35/helokat/ueqv21175091639.jpg)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on September 22, 2007, 03:49:12 AM
(http://i76.photobucket.com/albums/j35/helokat/ueqv21175091639.jpg)

^^^^^^^^^^^^5555555555555 Gman!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on September 22, 2007, 03:52:39 AM
Frank, I DO have a pony-tail. But I never got to see the joke.

So, please repost that picture so I can have a hard laugh on myself  ::wave::


PS: See that little fellow that's my avatar? That's me, ponytail, bass and all. Drew it myself too!

Nick, do you play base, or six-string?  Glad you can put yer hair in a ponytail.  I can't.   ::sulk::

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on September 22, 2007, 04:30:08 AM
Sorry for making you all nervous Frank!   :-[

I was just messing around. You wanna hang with fire pilots . . . it will happen sooner or later.
But I did draw plenty of happy faces just 10min later!  :)

I picked G-Man because I knew he'll "get it", you know!


Remember we are all here to have a good time rather than figure out who offended who (even though this happens every now and then . . . but if you remember right --> I HATE that part!!)  ;D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on September 22, 2007, 05:07:10 AM
Mike: Uhm, no I didn't, I don't remember his picture.

Frank

Here, I figured I would post my picture---long hair an all...although I should probably put it in the "Post your picture" forum....

(http://i76.photobucket.com/albums/j35/helokat/perfectmale.jpg)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on September 22, 2007, 06:59:52 PM
(http://i76.photobucket.com/albums/j35/helokat/ed54edab.jpg)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: AirScorp on September 22, 2007, 08:14:17 PM
Ahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!

Does it have one on the other side too, or is it just the pilot scaring the crap out of the FO?
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: PiperGirl on September 24, 2007, 08:38:08 PM
WHEN YOU'RE FEELING STUPID, READ THIS


(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why

Answer: 'I would not live forever, because we should not
Live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever,
Then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever,
Which is why I would not live forever,'


-- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest .


``````````````````````````````````

'Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids
All over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love
To be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and
Death and stuff.'
--Mariah Carey


````````````

'Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very
Important part of your life,'
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become
Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign .


`````````````````````````````````````````````````
'I've never had major knee surgery on any other part
Of my body,'
-- Winston Bennett,
University Of Kentucky basketball forward .


`````````````````````````````````````````````

'Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the
Lowest crime rates in the country,'
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC .

 
`````````````````````````````
'I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through
Our papers. We are the president.'
-- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of
Subpoenaed documents.


````````````````````````````````````````````````````

'That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death
By a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,'
--A congressional candidate in Texas .


````````````````````````````

'Half this game is ninety percent mental.'
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark


``````````````````````````````````

'It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's
The impurities in our air and water that are doing it.'
--Al Gore, Vice President 


And ..


'We are ready for an unforeseen event that
May or may not occur.'
-- Al Gore, VP

```````````````````
'I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix .' 


-- Dan Quayle


``````````

'We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much
Clean air do we need ?'
--Lee Iacocca

```````````

'The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A
Genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.' -
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.


````````````````````````````````````````````

'We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude
Certain types of people.'
-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instrutor .

`````````````````````````````````
'If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure.' 
--Bill Clinton, President

````````````````
'Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come
From overseas.'
--Keppel Enderbery


````````````````

'Your food stamps will be stopped effective
March 1992 because we received notice that
You passed away. May God bless you. You may
Reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.'
--Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina


````````````````````````````````````````````

'If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack
In at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their
Heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when
They wake up dead, there'll be a record.'
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on September 24, 2007, 09:37:34 PM
Quote
(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why

Answer: 'I would not live forever, because we should not
Live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever,
Then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever,
Which is why I would not live forever,'


-- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest .

Hunh...  I'm guessing the judges didn't select her based on her brains...  ::banghead:: ::banghead:: ::banghead::











... or lack of them.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on September 24, 2007, 11:15:28 PM

Hunh...  I'm guessing the judges didn't select her based on her brains...  ::banghead:: ::banghead:: ::banghead::

... or lack of them.

Kinda like this one huh?..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WALIARHHLII (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WALIARHHLII)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: airtac on September 25, 2007, 03:05:16 PM

Hunh...  I'm guessing the judges didn't select her based on her brains...  ::banghead:: ::banghead:: ::banghead::

... or lack of them.

Kinda like this one huh?..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WALIARHHLII (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WALIARHHLII)

WOW---and to think people like this have the opportunity to vote  ::banghead:: 
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on September 25, 2007, 08:39:09 PM

Hunh...  I'm guessing the judges didn't select her based on her brains...  ::banghead:: ::banghead:: ::banghead::

... or lack of them.

Kinda like this one huh?..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WALIARHHLII (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WALIARHHLII)

WOW---and to think people like this have the opportunity to vote  ::banghead:: 

scary, isn't it?!
 ::eek::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: AirScorp on September 26, 2007, 12:15:15 PM
And in some countries they have the OBLIGATION to vote.. Even scarier.. We had elections last week and I'm still sore  ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on September 26, 2007, 05:33:29 PM
An here, finally, without further uhh-do:

Some chicken jokes!!  ::wave:: ::wave:: ::wave::



Why did the chicken cross the road?

_______________________________________________________

DR. PHIL:

The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he
must
first deal with the problem on "THIS" side of the road before it goes
after
the problem on the "OTHER SIDE" of the road. What we need to do is help
him
realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his "CURRENT" problems
before adding "NEW" problems.

____________________________________________________

OPRAH:

Well I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he
wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn
from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to
give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and
not  live his life like the rest of the chickens.

____________________________________________________

GEORGE W BUSH:

We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to
know  if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is
either  against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

____________________________________________________

COLIN POWELL:

Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image
of  the chicken crossing the road...

____________________________________________________

ANDERSONCOOPER - CNN:

We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been
allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

____________________________________________________

JOHN KERRY:

Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against
it! It  was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's
intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

___________________________________________________

NANCY GRACE:

That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in
his  eyes and the way he walks.

____________________________________________________

PAT BUCHANAN:

To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

____________________________________________________

MARTHA STEWART:

No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a
standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price
dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider  information.

____________________________________________________

DR SEUSS:

Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the
chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

____________________________________________________

ERNEST HEMINGWAY:

To die in the rain. Alone.

____________________________________________________

JERRY FALWELL:

Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain side."
That's  why they call it the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is
gay.   
And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott
all  chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media
whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That
chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as
that.

____________________________________________________

GRANDPA:

In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told
us  the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

____________________________________________________

BARBARA WALTERS:

Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the
chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it
experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its
life  long dream of crossing the road.

____________________________________________________

JOHN LENNON:

Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in
peace.

____________________________________________________

ARISTOTLE:

It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

____________________________________________________

BILL GATES:

I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but
will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check
book.

Internet Explorer is a integral part of eChicken. This new platform is
much
more stable and will never cras...#@&&^( C .. ... reboot.

____________________________________________________

ALBERT EINSTEIN:

Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the
chicken?

___________________________________________________

BILL CLINTON:

I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of
chicken?

____________________________________________________

AL GORE:

I invented the chicken!
____________________________________________________

AL SHARPTON:

Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

_____________________________________________

COLONEL SANDERS:

Did I miss one?

____________________________________________________

DICK CHENEY:

Where's my gun?

 

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on September 26, 2007, 06:58:21 PM
Quote
AL GORE:

I invented the chicken!

MoveOn.org responds:

We support Al Gore and his invention of the chicken, and we ask all Americans to support Al Gore with us.


Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on September 26, 2007, 07:00:22 PM
A guy calls his buddy the horse rancher and says he's
sending a friend over to look at a horse. His buddy asks,
"How will I recognize him?" That's easy, he's a
midget with a speech impediment."
 
So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him
if he's looking for a male or female horse. "A female horth."
So he shows him a prized filly. "Nith lookin horth.
Can I
thee her eyeth"? So the guy picks up the midget and he gives
the horse's eyes the once over.
"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"?
 
So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the
horse's ears. "Nith earzth, can I see her mouf"?
 
The rancher is gettin' pretty ticked off by this point,
but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.
"Nice mouf,can I see her twat"?
 
Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher
grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far
as he can up the horse's twat, pulls him out and slams him
on the ground. The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.
"Perhapth I should rephrase that; Can I thee her wun awound
a widdlebit"?   ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on September 26, 2007, 08:55:57 PM
Determining the sex of a fly...

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh! Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 females", he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone".


Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: airtac on September 27, 2007, 07:41:48 PM
And in some countries they have the OBLIGATION to vote.. Even scarier.. We had elections last week and I'm still sore  ::rofl::
Voting there involves getting SORE ::unbelieveable::-----I don't know if I want to ask any more about the where or how the election process takes place ::eek::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: catisfat on September 28, 2007, 01:25:20 AM
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engine

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
(http://i23.photobucket.com/albums/b362/catisfat/gorremoticonfatcatsilly.gif)
S: Cat installed.  

And the best one for last...

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: PiperGirl on September 28, 2007, 03:37:12 PM
This video had me laughing so hard... And you though she was all that!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: AirScorp on September 28, 2007, 03:47:00 PM
Voting there involves getting SORE ::unbelieveable::-----I don't know if I want to ask any more about the where or how the election process takes place ::eek::

It's what happens 4 years before and 4 years after the elections that get you sore. ::sick:: The election is where you are reminded that it will persist.  ::rofl::

I hope I'm not talking politics here. Just being satyristic  ::angel::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Baradium on September 29, 2007, 09:20:02 AM

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

I saw this list previously, although they weren't all attributed to Qantas in that one.


I have to say that "could not duplicate" or "ops check satisfactory" are some of the phrases I don't like to find in the flight can in the morning...
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on September 30, 2007, 08:57:34 PM
I don't usually like these heartwarming stories, but this one is truly  interesting...
 
(http://i76.photobucket.com/albums/j35/helokat/554bddf5.jpg)
 
In 1986, Mike Membre was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Membre approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Membre worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.   

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Membre stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.  Membre never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
 
Twenty years later, Membre was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.  As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Membre and his son Cantri were standing.  The large bull elephant stared at Membre, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.  Remembering the encounter in 1986, Membre couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.
 
Membre summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Membre's legs and raised him high into the air and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
 
Probably wasn't the same elephant.
 
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: 4X-NTY on September 30, 2007, 11:56:28 PM
two cows is talking to each other
cow A:"have you heared about the mad cow disease?"
cow B:"yes! we are lucky we are ducks!"

two pillows want to have sex
female pillow:"do you have condoms?"
male pillow:"dont worry,im well covered"

knife:"hey fork,whats up?"
fork:"oh my god!! a talking knife!"

(http://imagecache2.allposters.com/images/pic/GB/FP0595~Oh-Shit-Posters.jpg)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: catisfat on October 01, 2007, 09:40:59 AM
(http://i23.photobucket.com/albums/b362/catisfat/full_pic06224.gif)
can you say 'oh shit ' at chicken wings?
cause i have a bucket full of' oh shit moments' that are just plain funny, not rude. crude, nude or vulgar,
just thought i would ask first ;)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on October 01, 2007, 02:08:13 PM
(http://i23.photobucket.com/albums/b362/catisfat/full_pic06224.gif)
can you say 'oh shit ' at chicken wings?
cause i have a bucket full of' oh shit moments' that are just plain funny, not rude. crude, nude or vulgar,
just thought i would ask first ;)

I say go for it.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: catisfat on October 01, 2007, 02:38:42 PM
the G-man has spoken
you may live to regret this(http://i23.photobucket.com/albums/b362/catisfat/smiley3.gif)
(http://i23.photobucket.com/albums/b362/catisfat/gorrhugs.gif)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: airtac on October 01, 2007, 02:45:15 PM
OH S**T's have to be balanced with ATTABOYS (or ATTAGIRLS--as the case may be) |:)\
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: catisfat on October 01, 2007, 02:50:34 PM
will do airtac
i am an "equal opportunity" offender (http://i23.photobucket.com/albums/b362/catisfat/lol5.gif)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: catisfat on October 01, 2007, 03:48:10 PM
fun family vacation! or an oh shit moment?
(http://i23.photobucket.com/albums/b362/catisfat/cid_001801c73c188142aa606500a8c0-1.jpg)
"sparky always loved to play Frisbee
sparky wasn't to bright"

bad cat,

(http://i23.photobucket.com/albums/b362/catisfat/1111jailbird12.gif)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on October 02, 2007, 05:01:14 PM
Sparky became a meal for the Condors that now live in the Canyon!  Hehe.  ::eek::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: catisfat on October 02, 2007, 07:12:43 PM
all we have are buzzards(http://i23.photobucket.com/albums/b362/catisfat/gorrlmao.gif)
ok, who drew the short straw?
or is this just another " oh shit " moment?
(http://i23.photobucket.com/albums/b362/catisfat/dont_complain3.jpg)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on October 04, 2007, 01:32:56 AM
WOAH!  ::eek::

I'd file this under "worlds worst jobs" !!
(especially when I am shooting, heh heh  ;) )

I think I'd rather work at McDonalds! or in a shoe store like Al Bundy.....

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: TheSoccerMom on October 04, 2007, 05:00:31 AM
now...  THAT is FUNNY!!!!    ::rofl::

I wonder what he gets paid...?!?  And...  does he get Hazard Pay?!?!?!    ::whistle::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: catisfat on October 04, 2007, 09:47:55 AM
hiya mike, soccermom, happy i gave you a chuckle
this one leaves me speechless, and that's hard to do

(http://i23.photobucket.com/albums/b362/catisfat/toilet-1.jpg)
but oh shit, this sale can't last long, not at these prices
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: TheSoccerMom on October 05, 2007, 01:57:43 AM
Dear CAT -- this is TOO good, I laughed and laughed!!!  Quick!!  WHERE's this great sale?!?!?!?!  Be right there....

"Hey buddy, gimme an Otterload of that thar turlet paper......"    ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Baradium on October 05, 2007, 02:15:53 AM
Dear CAT -- this is TOO good, I laughed and laughed!!!  Quick!!  WHERE's this great sale?!?!?!?!  Be right there....

"Hey buddy, gimme an Otterload of that thar turlet paper......"    ::rofl::


I soooo didn't take that the way you meant it...
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: TheSoccerMom on October 05, 2007, 02:19:41 AM
Rut-row..... 
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Baradium on October 05, 2007, 02:32:59 AM
Rut-row..... 

 ::wave::


Well I did see a sea otter the other week swimming around the boat... and for some reason I thought of that... and then a load.... 
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on October 05, 2007, 04:21:52 AM
I was just wondering how long those slightly used toilet paper rolls would remain in "Good Condition".   >:D >:D ::rofl:: ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: TheSoccerMom on October 05, 2007, 04:40:03 AM
heh heh..  kinda scary, eh??     ::wave::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on October 05, 2007, 04:46:20 AM
heh heh..  kinda scary, eh??     ::wave::

It makes me glad I didn't move my family to India this past summer.  Hehe.

Those prices appear to be Indian Rupees.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: catisfat on October 05, 2007, 10:44:23 AM
hiya soccermom, us girls sure do love a good sale(http://i23.photobucket.com/albums/b362/catisfat/gorrweeeee.gif)
rooster have you gone mad? India? there is no way to sweeten that pot
well its almost the weekend so i thought i would give the gang a "heads up" on a sobriety/ speed check point
intersection of dirt road & dirt road

(http://i23.photobucket.com/albums/b362/catisfat/african_radar_trap.jpg)

" but officer i didn't know the jackass could go that fast"
always works for me, that and a little leg and some cleavage
(http://i23.photobucket.com/albums/b362/catisfat/lol5.gif)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Jupeli on October 05, 2007, 11:48:34 AM
For some weird reason there was a Finnish guy hanging around with a Russian and an American. They started talking about how great their countries were. The American said: "We have so great air force in the U.S. that if all our planes were in the air at the same time, you couldn't see the sun at all!". The Russian of course had to answer that and he said: "Our navy has such a big fleet that if all the ships were set sail the same time they would cover the whole Gulf of Finland!" So the Finn told them: "In Helsinki there lives a man with a 25-inch penis." Shocked, the American told: "Actually.. Although our air force is great, the planes won't entirely block the sun..." Then the Russian said: "Yea... I also exaggerated a bit, our fleet really won't cover the whole gulf..." After hearing these confessions the Finn thought he should also say something so: "Well, to tell you the truth, the man doesn't really live in Helsinki..."

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on October 05, 2007, 10:34:29 PM
Cat, these guys tried to sweeten that pot for me.  They didn't succeed.  See the thread below.

http://www.chickenwingscomics.com/forum/index.php?topic=893.0

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on October 05, 2007, 11:27:00 PM
(http://i76.photobucket.com/albums/j35/helokat/dac8ea02.jpg)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on October 05, 2007, 11:28:36 PM
Hmmmmmm..  ::thinking:: ::whistle::  This gives me some ideas to pass my weekend....  ::rofl::  ::rofl::

(http://i76.photobucket.com/albums/j35/helokat/fdf6bdba.jpg)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on October 05, 2007, 11:31:13 PM
One more for now anyways:

(http://i76.photobucket.com/albums/j35/helokat/4bead447.jpg)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: gibbo_335 on October 05, 2007, 11:44:27 PM
One more for now anyways:

(http://i76.photobucket.com/albums/j35/helokat/4bead447.jpg)

EEKKKK!!!!!!  Beer shorthens your life by 4 mins.... IS THAT EACH ONE SUBTRACTS 4 MINS ???  ::eek:: ::unbelieveable::

oh well it'll all be over soon then   ::drinking:: ::drinking::  maybe in 4 mins  ;D *hic* ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: TheSoccerMom on October 06, 2007, 01:40:38 AM
hey Gibbo!!

You died 3 years ago!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 ::rofl::                 ::rofl::               ::rofl::             ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: gibbo_335 on October 06, 2007, 02:28:40 AM
OH Crickey.... ::unbelieveable:: I was wondering what that smell was...I was blaming the dog  ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl::

Oh well that explains alot :)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: RagDragger on October 06, 2007, 02:30:58 AM
If that's the case, I know at least three banner pilots who've been dead for a decade!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: TheSoccerMom on October 06, 2007, 02:39:07 AM
Yeah...  and I'm speaking to you from the grave as well, mates!  oooOOOOoooooOOOOooooOOOOOOO!   ::eek::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: gibbo_335 on October 06, 2007, 03:00:23 AM
Yeah...  and I'm speaking to you from the grave as well, mates!  oooOOOOoooooOOOOooooOOOOOOO!   ::eek::

 ::rofl::  ::rofl:: TOO FUNNY!!! oooo00000ooooooo00000000 *hic* ::drinking::

0000ooooooooo a Crownie  ::drinking:: !!! up here in heaven???  Wot tha?  ::unbelieveable:: Oh dear have I gone the other way???  I fear so >:D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on October 06, 2007, 06:31:20 AM
well..... if that's the case:



4min off of everybody's life and strippers for everybody !!!!    ::drinking:: ::drinking:: ::drinking::


btw:
G-Man!
Where do you get the two drinking smileys from?
the one where they start singing and than one falls over and keeps drinking??
those two are hillarious!!!! I laughed my @$$ off!!!!  ::bow:: |:)\
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: catisfat on October 06, 2007, 09:10:27 AM
(http://i23.photobucket.com/albums/b362/catisfat/gorremoucrackup.gif)
i got only one bad habit, and the government is trying to save me from myself, they figure if it don't kill me, their taxes on said habit should.
any way big day today, going to the salon were they will attempt to turn a sows ear into a silk purse.
then the dreaded DMV and then go and get a new passport pic(http://i23.photobucket.com/albums/b362/catisfat/gorrodd.gif)
and a hockey scrimmage to round off the afternoon
but thought i would leave you all with a parting pearl of wisdom
Drinking on the weekends can be fun
as long as you don't wake up the next morning and the first words out of your mouth are:
(http://i23.photobucket.com/albums/b362/catisfat/cid_001101c6f8fd7bbce8706500a8c0Maf.jpg)
" oh shit"
(http://i23.photobucket.com/albums/b362/catisfat/gorrsmdr.gif)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on October 06, 2007, 06:16:34 PM
well..... if that's the case:

4min off of everybody's life and strippers for everybody !!!!    ::drinking:: ::drinking:: ::drinking::


btw:
G-Man!
Where do you get the two drinking smileys from?
the one where they start singing and than one falls over and keeps drinking??
those two are hillarious!!!! I laughed my @$$ off!!!!  ::bow:: |:)\

The smileys I got from some website years ago..I forget where... I do have a stripper one too but probably not appropriate.  ::eek::

So for the guys: Beer and dancing girls...

(http://i76.photobucket.com/albums/j35/helokat/k035.gif) (http://i76.photobucket.com/albums/j35/helokat/k035.gif)   (http://i76.photobucket.com/albums/j35/helokat/k035.gif) (http://i76.photobucket.com/albums/j35/helokat/k035.gif)

 (http://i76.photobucket.com/albums/j35/helokat/899f00fd.gif)  (http://i76.photobucket.com/albums/j35/helokat/899f00fd.gif) (http://i76.photobucket.com/albums/j35/helokat/899f00fd.gif) (http://i76.photobucket.com/albums/j35/helokat/899f00fd.gif)


For the girls: Champagne and dancing guy...  ;)

(http://i76.photobucket.com/albums/j35/helokat/n015.gif) (http://i76.photobucket.com/albums/j35/helokat/n015.gif) (http://i76.photobucket.com/albums/j35/helokat/n015.gif) (http://i76.photobucket.com/albums/j35/helokat/n015.gif) (http://i76.photobucket.com/albums/j35/helokat/n015.gif) (http://i76.photobucket.com/albums/j35/helokat/n015.gif) (http://i76.photobucket.com/albums/j35/helokat/n015.gif) 



Party On...

(http://i76.photobucket.com/albums/j35/helokat/h025.gif)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on October 06, 2007, 06:34:42 PM
I thought I would share my "fire contract laundry chart" with Y'all:

(http://i76.photobucket.com/albums/j35/helokat/e9dd6ea5.jpg)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: TheSoccerMom on October 06, 2007, 08:56:51 PM
WHERE'S THE GUY?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Waiting......    ::whistle::

 ::whistle::

 ::whistle::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Frank N. O. on October 06, 2007, 09:05:05 PM
ROFL, it got removed by Mike, I had thought it was a little too much and probably wouldn't last long.

I just remember that the artist of an old still running webcomic called Sabrina Online used to be the Disney of the Amiga computer and one of the great animations he made was of living fighters fighting in the sky, an A-10 with the canon sticking out of the mouth like a big cigar, and a smart-allic F-15. His name is Eric W. Schwarz and the animations have been remastered and are sold on DVD I just noticed, as well as other living characters he's animated. http://www.sabrina-online.com/cat_video.gif

Frank
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on October 06, 2007, 09:07:59 PM
WHERE'S THE GUY?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Waiting......    ::whistle::

 ::whistle::

 ::whistle::

He was there but probably got removed for being "partially risque"...It was borderline, although I really did not think it was that bad--Oh well....

If I offended...Sorry Mike  ::knockedout::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: TheSoccerMom on October 06, 2007, 09:09:20 PM
Oops!   :-[

Sorry!!  You know how I am...  just can't take me to town....   :-\

Bad Mom...    ;)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on October 06, 2007, 10:08:58 PM
WHERE'S THE GUY?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Waiting......    ::whistle::

 ::whistle::

 ::whistle::

He was there but probably got removed for being "partially risque"...It was borderline, although I really did not think it was that bad--Oh well....

If I offended...Sorry Mike  ::knockedout::

me? offended?
I thought you knew me better than that! ;D

I was just trying to keep it semi clean in here and make sure nobody else gets offended....

no worries everybody!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: catisfat on October 07, 2007, 04:32:12 PM
hiya G- man
way too funny laundry chart  ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on October 07, 2007, 05:06:33 PM

me? offended?
I thought you knew me better than that! ;D

I was more apologising to those who were offended.... I have come a long way in the last few years....

I was just trying to keep it semi clean in here and make sure nobody else gets offended....
no worries everybody!

As for me......I will attempt to find a "cleaner" dancing guy---I'm guessing the famous Mr Bean one is out too?? Mike I'll send it to ya...

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: catisfat on October 07, 2007, 05:20:58 PM
looks like i missed the juicy stuff, dancing boys?
bloody hell, always a day late and a dollarr short(http://i23.photobucket.com/albums/b362/catisfat/lol5.gif)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on October 07, 2007, 05:46:13 PM
(http://i76.photobucket.com/albums/j35/helokat/97a931a7.jpg)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: catisfat on October 07, 2007, 06:12:43 PM
G-man
I'd pay to see that(http://i23.photobucket.com/albums/b362/catisfat/3_4_22v.gif)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on October 07, 2007, 09:13:53 PM
Religions of the World

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: catisfat on October 07, 2007, 10:27:28 PM
rooster, i am sure i am a card carring member of all of them(http://i23.photobucket.com/albums/b362/catisfat/lol5.gif)
got some funny road signs I'd like to share
(http://i23.photobucket.com/albums/b362/catisfat/cid_003801c753a0dca9d9606500a8c0Maf.jpg)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on October 08, 2007, 04:56:04 AM
Here is one of my all time favorite billboards.  Send this off to PETA!  Hehe.   >:D ::rofl:: ::rambo::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on October 08, 2007, 05:12:24 AM
Waterskiing in North Dakota
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on October 08, 2007, 05:33:03 AM
North Dakota sends Troops to Iraq
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on October 08, 2007, 05:34:41 AM
Cant remember if I posted this or not....  ::type::

Dear Miss Ann Landers,


I have just met a new woman in my life (we'll call her Wanda), and am trying to impress her as I think she may be the woman for me, however this may prove difficult and any advice you have would be truly appreciated. I am a 40 year old recovering alcoholic (although I am not doing too good right now), I have been married and divorced three times and have 5 children (two of them born out of wedlock). My sister is a prostitute in downtown San Francisco, and my brother is currently on death row in San Quentin for rape/murder. My father was killed in a drug deal that went bad and I have never met my mother who left when I was six months old to join a Kibbutz in Israel. I just filed bankruptcy after yet another woman had my wages garnished for a child I supposedly fathered in the late 80's, have lost my trailer-home to the bank, and I currently live in a homeless shelter.

My question to you is---should I tell Her that I am a helicopter pilot?

Yours sincerely

G-man
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on October 08, 2007, 05:42:49 AM
Here are the notes I give to my daughters "friends"...

Dad's Rules

Rule One- If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two- You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three- I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes to big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four- It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: early.

Rule Five- I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Six- As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge . Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like change the oil in my car?

Rule Seven- The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient tamperature is warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Eight- Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Nine- Be afraid.. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi . When my retardant inhalation starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveways you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine
 
Rule Ten- I am a helicopter pilot, I have lots of pilot friends, Mike, Soccermom, Airtac, Gibbo, FlyboyGil, Rooster Cruiser, even Frank, to name a few, who fly all over the world. They range from police pilots, fire fighting pilots and news pilots---any one of us could be watching and tracking you at ANY time.
 
Enjoy your date
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on October 08, 2007, 06:41:09 AM
Right on, G-Man!  ::bow:: ::bow:: ::bow::  I'm gonna save a copy of this so when my daughter starts going on dates in 10 years or so, I'll present these rules to those boys.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Frank N. O. on October 08, 2007, 08:57:48 AM
 ::rofl:: those billboards were all really funny (although they do require asense of humour, but hey that's a good thing in life to have as I know we all agree on).
Really cool way to do waterskiing on too  8)

G-Man those two were great  ::rofl:: |:)\
That last one reminds me of one that Bill Engvall did in his stand-up: When my daughter's boyfriend comes over to pick her up, I'll step away with the lad and pull him close so only he and I can hear the conversation and then say: That there is my babygirl, she's my life, so if you have any ideas of hugging or kissing then remember this "I got no problems going back to jail!". ::rofl::

Frank
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: catisfat on October 08, 2007, 09:30:49 AM
(http://i23.photobucket.com/albums/b362/catisfat/full_pic06224.gif)
you guys crack me up(http://i23.photobucket.com/albums/b362/catisfat/gorrlmao.gif)

 "My question to you is---should I tell Her that I am a helicopter pilot?"  (http://i23.photobucket.com/albums/b362/catisfat/smiley3.gif)
never to early to start thinking about Christmas

(http://i23.photobucket.com/albums/b362/catisfat/crabs.jpg)
the gift that keeps on giving
my all time favorite, and yes i am twisted
(http://i23.photobucket.com/albums/b362/catisfat/gorremoticonfatcatsilly.gif)
Title: OK--Motivation Posters
Post by: G-man on October 08, 2007, 11:29:05 PM
Motivation Posters--I'll start:

(http://i76.photobucket.com/albums/j35/helokat/4adcdc4c.jpg)

(http://i76.photobucket.com/albums/j35/helokat/1a8aa399.jpg)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on October 09, 2007, 03:41:45 AM

Two rednecks are going on a hunting trip.
One says to the other "If I sleep with your wife and she gets pregnant, will we be related?"
The other says "Nope . . . . just even."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: PiperGirl on October 09, 2007, 01:47:00 PM

Rule Ten- I am a helicopter pilot, I have lots of pilot friends, Mike, Soccermom, Airtac, Gibbo, FlyboyGil, Rooster Cruiser, even Frank, to name a few, who fly all over the world. They range from police pilots, fire fighting pilots and news pilots---any one of us could be watching and tracking you at ANY time.
 

Great addition to the rules Gman! ::bow::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: airtac on October 09, 2007, 05:22:28 PM
BWAAAHAHA---Just reread the dating rules and finally noticed #10--GOOD GOOD!  ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on October 09, 2007, 07:41:02 PM
BWAAAHAHA---Just reread the dating rules and finally noticed #10--GOOD GOOD!  ::rofl::

I figure, just like on a fire--you watch my back I'll watch yours....  ::bow::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Frank N. O. on October 09, 2007, 07:58:20 PM
BWAAAHAHA---Just reread the dating rules and finally noticed #10--GOOD GOOD!  ::rofl::

I figure, just like on a fire--you watch my back I'll watch yours....  ::bow::
Teamwork and friendship |:)\ I'll drink to that, I just gotta get a new cold one from the fridge since I've already emptied the 1.5L bottle on the desk.

Btw, a question/request: Does anyone know any good aviation-based lightbulb jokes?

Frank
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: 4X-NTY on October 09, 2007, 08:34:46 PM
What if the boy is late? doing as many push ups as the minutes he is late?  :D
but really,i dont get it,in my house its the other way around,except my father dont know any pilots,i dont get whats the problem with your daughter is kissing with guys,i mean,give her a knife and she is well protected.

(http://www.micom.net/oops/747un_pic4.jpg)
Oh shit.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on October 09, 2007, 09:54:17 PM

Btw, a question/request: Does anyone know any good aviation-based lightbulb jokes?

Frank

Not aviation but oh well:

Dogs changing light bulbs..

Golden Retriever:
The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

Border Collie:
Just one.  And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

Dachshund:
You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!

Rottweiler:
Make me.

Lab:
Oh, me, me!!!!  Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb!  Can I?  Can I?
Huh?

Huh?  Huh?  Can I?

Malamute:
Let the Border Collie do it.  You can feed me while he's busy.

Jack Russell Terrier:
I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.

Poodle:
I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it.  By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

Cocker Spaniel:
Why change it?  I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

Doberman Pinscher:
While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.

Boxer:
Who cares?  I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark....

Mastiff:
Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.

Chihuahua:
Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

Irish Wolfhound:
Can somebody else do it?  I've got this hangover....

Pointer:
I see it, there it is, there it is, right there....

Greyhound:
It isn't moving.  Who cares?

Australian Shepherd:
First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle....

Old English Sheep Dog:
Light bulb?  I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb....

Hound Dog:
ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzz



Cat:




Dogs do not change light bulbs.  People change light bulbs.  So the question is: how long will it be before I can expect light?
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Frank N. O. on October 09, 2007, 10:36:02 PM
 ::rofl:: excellent, thanks for posting!

Frank
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on October 10, 2007, 01:50:01 AM
How many pilots does it take to screw in a lightbulb???



















Answer:  Pilots don't screw in lightbulbs...  They screw in Hottubs!!! >:D >:D >:D >:D >:D

 ::drinking:: ::drinking:: ::drinking:: ::drinking:: ::drinking::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on October 10, 2007, 01:51:12 AM
How many pilots does it take to screw in a lightbulb???

Answer:  Pilots don't screw in lightbulbs...  They screw in Hottubs!!! >:D >:D >:D >:D >:D

 ::drinking:: ::drinking:: ::drinking:: ::drinking:: ::drinking::

Like it--Like it a lot..  ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: gibbo_335 on October 10, 2007, 01:59:20 AM
How many pilots does it take to screw in a lightbulb???

Answer:  Pilots don't screw in lightbulbs...  They screw in Hottubs!!! >:D >:D >:D >:D >:D

 ::drinking:: ::drinking:: ::drinking:: ::drinking:: ::drinking::

TWO THUMBS UP FOR THAT ROOSTER  ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: TheSoccerMom on October 10, 2007, 02:40:48 AM
Uh..  is that what word you have for that in Australia?!?!?!?!?!?    ;)   ;)   ;)   ;)   ;)

 8)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: gibbo_335 on October 10, 2007, 02:44:25 AM
HA HA HA 'MOM!!!  ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl::  ??? Not sure what you meant  ::whistle::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: TheSoccerMom on October 10, 2007, 03:15:16 AM
 ;D  I finally found MY Poster!!    :D

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on October 10, 2007, 04:44:18 AM
This one makes me wonder what they're serving... Fried chicken on a stick!?!? ::loony:: ::loony:: ::loony::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on October 10, 2007, 04:51:02 AM
An "Oh Shit" Moment for Cat... ::eek:: ::unbelieveable:: ::eek:: ::unbelieveable:: ::eek:: ::unbelieveable::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: catisfat on October 10, 2007, 09:03:56 AM
(http://i23.photobucket.com/albums/b362/catisfat/full_pic06224.gif)

 rooster this one is for you,

(http://i23.photobucket.com/albums/b362/catisfat/media102445.gif)


(http://i23.photobucket.com/albums/b362/catisfat/gorrlmao.gif)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: 4X-NTY on October 10, 2007, 10:01:13 AM
funny moments in israel (just happend):
i was browsing CW forums,while my TV on,so, i was browsing in this topic while i hear a whistle,so i was thinking,"whistle? cool,whistle,but its sound strange,it sound like a whistle of a... oh shit!! rocket!" grabed a bottle of water,and a snack and ran to the safe room (made out of concrete) and was sitting for five minutes,and started thinking "wait,there is no boom, what the fuck?!" came out of the room,and i see in the TV a woman holding an old kettle,the one that whistle and she said "oh,its just boiled",so,im standing in front a TV,thinking "you just spent five minutes of my life,becaue of a kettle?!" so i did what i had to do told it to fuck off and pulled out the plug (saves energy).

(http://www.jeremyrizza.com/images/raiderpride.jpg)

hehe,thats cool  ::rofl::

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: airtac on October 10, 2007, 11:16:30 AM
Answer:  Pilots don't screw in lightbulbs...  They screw in Hottubs!!! >:D >:D >:D >:D >:D

 ::drinking:: ::drinking:: ::drinking:: ::drinking:: ::drinking::

HA--Rooster, I'll give you THREE thumbs up--made me lol big time ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on October 10, 2007, 11:25:02 AM
(http://i23.photobucket.com/albums/b362/catisfat/full_pic06224.gif)

 rooster this one is for you,

(http://i23.photobucket.com/albums/b362/catisfat/media102445.gif)


(http://i23.photobucket.com/albums/b362/catisfat/gorrlmao.gif)

<<<Pressing Button>>>


<<<BBBBRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!>>>

Ah!!!!  Now I can get on with my day.

Thanks Cat!  ;)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: airtac on October 10, 2007, 11:26:36 AM
BWAAAHAHA---Just reread the dating rules and finally noticed #10--GOOD GOOD!  ::rofl::

I figure, just like on a fire--you watch my back I'll watch yours....  ::bow::
Yeah, Dads need all the help we can get because when some unworthy hormone-soaked young male comes calling we KNOW what the little creep wants ::rambo::
Thank God I only had one daughter, any more and I might have gone to jail or the nut house ::sweat::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on October 10, 2007, 11:29:09 AM
BWAAAHAHA---Just reread the dating rules and finally noticed #10--GOOD GOOD!  ::rofl::

I figure, just like on a fire--you watch my back I'll watch yours....  ::bow::
Yeah, Dads need all the help we can get because when some unworthy hormone-soaked young male comes calling we KNOW what the little creep wants ::rambo::
Thank God I only had one daughter, any more and I might have gone to jail or the nut house ::sweat::

I'm with both of ya on this!  As much as I love my little girl, I absolutely DREAD the day she hits puberty and the boys start sniffing around like a pack of Tomcats.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: airtac on October 10, 2007, 11:31:08 AM
Rooster--what the heck you doing up at 0430 too?     Is getting up at dark thirty a truck driver thing ???
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on October 10, 2007, 11:34:53 AM
Nah, its a "Blast off at 0600" Thing!   ::complaining: ::complaining: ::complaining:
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: airtac on October 10, 2007, 11:40:40 AM
Nah, its a "Blast off at 0600" Thing!   ::complaining: ::complaining: ::complaining:
Lucky you--I love early AM flights |:)\ |:)\   I just sent ya my phone # on a personal message in case you ever come by KSTS (or anywhere in the North Bay)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Frank N. O. on October 10, 2007, 12:02:32 PM
4X: For real!? I didn't know you lived in a warzone :(

Jim: My dad earned extra by comming in early and open up the place he drove trucks for (a big place btw) so after he couldn't work and got fired after the blod-clog he drove me to school/college and picked me up again so I could concentrate on school, which I did, it was natural for him since he normally had woken up so early for years, as well as the fact that he spent his life helping us, and others. Up here btw in the summer then it's alreadyt light outside at 05:30 hehe.

Frank
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: PiperGirl on October 10, 2007, 03:43:44 PM
Your Ex-Wife is a pilot



My ex-wife started taking flying lessons about the time our divorce started and she got her license shortly before our divorce was final, later that same year.
 
 Yesterday afternoon, she narrowly escaped injury in the aircraft she was piloting when she was forced to make an emergency landing in Southern Tennessee because of bad weather. Thank God our kids were with me at the Beach House this weekend.
 
 The NTSB issued a preliminary report, citing pilot error: Judy was flying a single engine aircraft in IFR(instrument flight rating)conditions while only having obtained a VFR (visual flight rating) rating.
 
 The absence of a post-crash fire was likely due to insufficient fuel on board. No one on the ground was injured.
 
 Photographs below were taken at the scene show the extent of damage to her aircraft.
   
 
   
   
   
 

She was very lucky.
 
 
 
 
 
   
   
   
   
   
 
 
 
 
 
 
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: catisfat on October 10, 2007, 04:14:08 PM
(http://i23.photobucket.com/albums/b362/catisfat/lol5.gif)

and i thought i was the only one who flew one of those
too funny pipergirl!!

(http://i23.photobucket.com/albums/b362/catisfat/4.jpg)
an" oh shit" moment
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: 4X-NTY on October 10, 2007, 04:33:02 PM
4X: For real!? I didn't know you lived in a warzone :(

Jim: My dad earned extra by comming in early and open up the place he drove trucks for (a big place btw) so after he couldn't work and got fired after the blod-clog he drove me to school/college and picked me up again so I could concentrate on school, which I did, it was natural for him since he normally had woken up so early for years, as well as the fact that he spent his life helping us, and others. Up here btw in the summer then it's alreadyt light outside at 05:30 hehe.

Frank

umm,only temporary,israel is NOT a war zone,its just,well,reflex,i think...
the israelis have good war reflex,and let me tell you something,one of the positive things to live in a country that always aimed by near countries, things that most of the american would never feel,is the joy of being "greeted" good morning by a blackhawk,on fridays go to sleep at 5AM with a sound of f-16 flying low over your house and spending the whole afternoon trying to find the damn f-15 flying over your house (damn,they are almost invisible!).

@catisfat that probably the first airplane that made by Microsoft  ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: catisfat on October 10, 2007, 05:06:39 PM
"catisfat that probably the first airplane that made by Microsoft"(http://i23.photobucket.com/albums/b362/catisfat/smiley3.gif)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: TheSoccerMom on October 10, 2007, 11:32:27 PM
Heh heh, Piper Girl, this summer some rather FUNNY-GUY tanker pilots printed that joke out with MY name in all the right places, and handed it around at the end of the morning briefing as a SOMBER safety notice...  it said "Airplane Wreck Investigated" on the top page..  of course, it was pretty damned funny when everyone flipped the page and saw the BROOM!!!  Ah, such GOOD pals...   ::rofl:: 

 8)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: AirScorp on October 11, 2007, 01:03:25 AM
http://www.explosm.net/movies/141/ (http://www.explosm.net/movies/141/) Refresh if it doesn't load all at once!!!!!


All I have to say is: OMG THOSE GUYS ARE NUTS!!!!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: cj5_pilot on October 11, 2007, 01:26:55 AM
BWAAAHAHA---Just reread the dating rules and finally noticed #10--GOOD GOOD!  ::rofl::

I figure, just like on a fire--you watch my back I'll watch yours....  ::bow::
Yeah, Dads need all the help we can get because when some unworthy hormone-soaked young male comes calling we KNOW what the little creep wants ::rambo::
Thank God I only had one daughter, any more and I might have gone to jail or the nut house ::sweat::

I'm with both of ya on this!  As much as I love my little girl, I absolutely DREAD the day she hits puberty and the boys start sniffing around like a pack of Tomcats.

My daughter is 7 but it's not to early to worry about it happening in another 7 or so; I already have a plan for when a boy asks her out.  I must meet him first.  I plan to be sitting at the kitchen table cleaning my .45 ;)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on October 11, 2007, 01:54:03 AM
I'll meet him at the doorway with my old Truck Driver's Tire Thumper (3 pound tire iron with a rubber handgrip).  I plan on thwaping it into my palm as I explain to the boy, "You WILL bring my daughter home at 10:30...  NOT 10:31!!!"  I figure a tire thumper will put the fear of God into them more than a .45 will, cause I'm certain they'll know they have nothing to fear from that.  Tire thumpers can do some very serious damage without killing 'em.   >:D >:D >:D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on October 11, 2007, 02:06:24 PM
Another Chinese Toy Recalled
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on October 11, 2007, 02:08:19 PM
Minnesota Combat Veteran decorated for service in Iraq

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: PiperGirl on October 11, 2007, 02:48:30 PM
Another Chinese Toy Recalled


Too Funny Rooster!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: PittsFlyer on October 11, 2007, 04:13:40 PM
Talk about a taxi accident.......  ::whistle::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: PiperGirl on October 11, 2007, 07:09:54 PM
Isn't that the one where the wife started cheating on her husband with a pilot... and the husband took a chainsaw to the airplane?!?! ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: cj5_pilot on October 12, 2007, 01:06:45 AM
Talk about a taxi accident.......  ::whistle::


Mythbusters tried to replicate that with the back half of a Cherokee fuselage and a 6 cylinder lycoming on a dolly and couldn't.  However, look at the back of the wing and the engine Nacelle....no chainsaw did that.  Definately an impact of some sort.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on October 12, 2007, 05:35:51 AM
really?

I thought they got a pretty good result with their little contraption...
maybe I am remembering it wrong
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on October 12, 2007, 06:19:10 AM
Right or wrong, that Seminole still reminds me of an old Spam Can.

You know...  The old style can of meat that you had to open with a metal key that you detached from the can?  That fuselage reminds me of the metal that went around and around that key!

Today, Hormel Meats no longer uses such opening devices for their products.  Instead, they figured out a nifty new pull-tab for their can tops so no one ever goes hungry because they lost the key to the Spam Can!


My my, how times have changed...   ::thinking::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: PittsFlyer on October 12, 2007, 12:17:25 PM
@Rooster Cruiser:

Here is a picture of how the German Air Force opens spam cans  ;D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: PiperGirl on October 12, 2007, 12:19:53 PM
Chuck!!!!! Is that you?!?!?! ;D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: AirScorp on October 12, 2007, 01:04:10 PM
Talk about a taxi accident.......  ::whistle::


Seen that on the news I think.. Hand propping with no chocks on.. The airplane started to move and by the time it stopped it had slashed 3 aircraft, one of which is the one in the pic.

Definately an OH SH!T moment!  ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Fabo on October 12, 2007, 06:57:54 PM
One more for now anyways:

(http://i76.photobucket.com/albums/j35/helokat/4bead447.jpg)

Hey G-Man, how come the hardly readable letters say "Lets go home at last!" in Slovak? You made me laugh two times, as if I was a goddamn Blonde, laughing two times, first - for solidarity with the speaker, second, in random time from interval two minutes - two days, when she really Got It!



@The Parenting Rules: Quite what I would get in case of having teen daughter... along with nice 9mm, a battle knife and a KGB plate on the table...
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on October 15, 2007, 02:00:07 AM
A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and asks, "Bartender, got any specials today?"

Bartender answers, "Yes, as a matter of  Fact we have a new drink, invented by A gynecologist patron of ours.

It's a mix of Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer and Smirnoff Vodka."

The guy asks, "Good grief, what do you call that?"

The bartender replied, "It's a "Pabst Smir."

(http://i76.photobucket.com/albums/j35/helokat/3868c5ff.jpg) (http://i76.photobucket.com/albums/j35/helokat/65e135a0.jpg)
       
 
 
       
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on October 15, 2007, 02:37:17 AM
K...K...K

Just for the ladies...I found some more "dancing guys"...and for the "sensative" among you....they are clothed...
















(http://i76.photobucket.com/albums/j35/helokat/cb49c75c.gif)


With love---G-man..

(http://i76.photobucket.com/albums/j35/helokat/94d26d1c.jpg)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: PiperGirl on October 16, 2007, 03:07:30 PM
Chuck must have been flying again...

From Short Final on AvWeb:

Quote
Overheard in Southern Florida:

Fort Myers Approach: Cessna Three Four Alpha, say heading.

Cessna: Ah, we're headin' for Tampa.

Fort Myers Approach: Cessna Three Four Alpha, say heading.

Cessna: Well, okay, we're headin' for the LaBelle VOR first and then going on to Tampa.

Fort Myers Approach: Cessna Three Four Alpha, could you look at your compass and tell me what number is behind the little line?

Cessna: Oh...you want to know which way we're going right now. Three five zero, sir.


Quote
Short Final
October 29, 2006
While returning from a cross country into Ellington Field...

Tower: Warrior 123, enter right downwind for 35L.

Warrior 123: Roger, downwind 35L

Tower: Warrior 123, wind calm, cleared for 22 if you like.

Warrior 123: Roger. Cleared for 22.

[Short pause]

Warrior 123: Tower, am i cleared for 22? Because ther is a truck in the middle of the runway...

Tower: Warrior 123, go around.

Warrior 123: [While applying power and retracting flaps] Could you get him to move over, because I don't think I can get around him.

Tower: GO AROUND! GO AROUND! GO AROUND!

What can I say? Sometimes the little devil on my shoulder wins.

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: airtac on October 16, 2007, 05:08:21 PM
Thanks PiperGirl-----NOW, THAT'S FUNNY  ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: PiperGirl on October 17, 2007, 11:05:50 AM
Thanks PiperGirl-----NOW, THAT'S FUNNY  ::rofl::
Anytime airtac ;D ;D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on October 18, 2007, 01:31:09 AM
> Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a
> flower shop where the redhead sees her boyfriend buying flowers. The redhead
> sighs and says, "Oh crap! My boyfriend is buying me flowers again!" The
> blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "You don't like getting flowers
> from your boyfriend?" The redhead replies, "I love getting flowers, but he
> always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like
> spending the next three days on my back with my legs up in the air." The
> blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"

 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: gibbo_335 on October 18, 2007, 01:33:45 AM
 ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl::

Nice one R/C   ;D another coffee spiller from you  :D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: AirScorp on October 18, 2007, 08:26:37 PM
Mental note... Find a redhead, buy her flowers and drop her vase accidentally to the floor...  ::drinking::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on October 19, 2007, 04:43:36 AM
Mental note... Find a redhead, buy her flowers and drop her vase accidentally to the floor...  ::drinking::

Oi, Nick!  You got it wrong!  You are supposed to do all that to a BLONDE!!!!!

 ::banghead:: ::banghead:: ::banghead:: ::banghead::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: AirScorp on October 19, 2007, 08:48:50 AM
Yea I got that! But I'm supposedly the self destructive guy!!!!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Fabo on October 19, 2007, 01:04:00 PM
Redheads are more passionate, they said... How come this joke then? ???
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on October 20, 2007, 01:40:02 AM
Here is one I think especially you fire people among us will be able to relate with:
 ;D

Actually, anybody who had ever dealt with the FAA will get this as well.....



THE DEAD HORSE THEORY AND THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT:


Tribal wisdom of the Lakota Indians, passed on from generation to
generation, says that, "When you discover that you are riding a dead horse,
the best strategy is to dismount."

However, in Federal government, more advanced strategies are often
employed, such as:

1. Buying a stronger whip.

2. Changing riders.

3. Appointing a committee to study the horse.

4. Visiting other countries to see how other cultures ride dead horses.

5. Lowering standards so that dead horses can be included.

6. Reclassify the dead horse as "living-impaired."

7. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.

8. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.

9. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead
horse's performance.

10.  Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the
dead horse's performance.

11. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less
costly, carries lower overhead, and therefore contributes substantially
more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.

12. Rewriting the performance requirements for all horses.





Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on October 20, 2007, 03:58:35 AM
OH Mike!!!  How TRUE it is!!!   ::complaining: ::complaining: ::complaining:
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: airtac on October 20, 2007, 03:11:31 PM
The City of Healdsburg has opened a position for airport manager and there are a number of pilots who would like me to accept the position but because of the "Dead Horse Theory" in government, I don't know if I could handle the bureaucratic BS involved---diplomacy is not my strong suit.  I have enough trouble dealing with government wienies during fire season and to think of sitting through a city council meeting listening to some dumbass complaining about their 2 million dollar house losing value because of airport noise (house built 5 years ago-airport built 50 years ago) sounds about as inviting as a root canal without anesthetic ::knockedout::
I am convinced that "common sense in government" is an oxymoronical statement
I guess this isn't humorous but it does fit in with the dead horse theme :-\
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: airtac on October 20, 2007, 03:29:31 PM

Chuck, I'm sure, will take offense with at least one of theses definitions ;D

ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in
the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are
dead.

COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes ours.

DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.

INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines.

 
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: PiperGirl on October 22, 2007, 12:21:52 PM
The Trouble with Outsourcing...



 Was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.
 Got a call center in Pakistan .
 Told them I was suicidal.
 They got all excited and asked if I could fly a plane.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on October 22, 2007, 03:19:57 PM
The Trouble with Outsourcing...



 Was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.
 Got a call center in Pakistan .
 Told them I was suicidal.
 They got all excited and asked if I could fly a plane.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl::

Great One, PG!!! ::bow:: ::bow:: ::bow:: ::bow::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: PiperGirl on October 22, 2007, 03:55:57 PM

THE DEAD HORSE THEORY AND THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT:


So True Mike. It cracked me up when I was looking at AOPA's website today...

Quote
Can flogging a dead horse ever succeed? The administration on Oct. 18 transferred the whip to the hand of Secretary of Transportation Mary Peters as she went before the Senate Commerce Committee and tried to resurrect the administration's FAA funding proposal. That bill had failed to get out of the starting gate in February.

The full House and the Senate Finance Committee have rejected the FAA's claim that the current funding system was seriously ill and the only cure was user fees, huge tax increases for general aviation, and a huge tax break for the airlines.

To read the whole article see http://www.aopa.org/advocacy/articles/2007/071022userfees.html (http://www.aopa.org/advocacy/articles/2007/071022userfees.html)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on October 31, 2007, 08:14:05 PM
Time to revive this thread...
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on October 31, 2007, 08:15:34 PM
What to wear when your wife wants you to do some chores around the house...
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Frank N. O. on November 01, 2007, 12:51:43 AM
Poor Dog, and poor dude when his wife notices where he's been hiding, and can't you just hear her say: And where did you get the money to buy new clothes when you said I couldn't! (This is of course a joke on the stereotypical nagging wife, in real life I doubt many of those exist, and in several cases the husband probably did something to deserve the chewing out :D).

Frank
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: PiperGirl on November 01, 2007, 12:57:26 AM
Thanks for reviving the thread! I was missing my daily dose of laughs ::wave:: MUST HAVE HUMOR  :) :)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on November 01, 2007, 01:40:08 AM
Seen on the back of a Septic/Sewage Pumper Truck...
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Frank N. O. on November 01, 2007, 02:25:59 AM
 ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl::

Frank
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on November 01, 2007, 03:36:29 AM
(This is of course a joke on the stereotypical nagging wife, in real life I doubt many of those exist, and in several cases the husband probably did something to deserve the chewing out :D).

Frank

Your joking right.."dont exist"--bullsh*t--why do you think I am an EX-husband--twice--You have never been married huh?????
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on November 01, 2007, 03:58:05 AM
(This is of course a joke on the stereotypical nagging wife, in real life I doubt many of those exist, and in several cases the husband probably did something to deserve the chewing out :D).

HA HA!!

Frank, you kill me!!  ::rofl:: ;D

"I doubt many of those exist..." that's a new classic! You truly made my day!

You're not confusing threads again, are you?!
This is the one with "pilots" and "firefighters" in it!! The highest divorce rates worldwide !!

You need to get out a little more and maybe find one for yourself.
The running joke around helibases here is:
Just find a woman you really despise and go buy here a house! . . . saves time!

(sorry girls, bitter ex-husband talking!)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Frank N. O. on November 01, 2007, 05:46:42 AM
Sigh, and again my attemps at jokes with a dose of reality-isn't-that-bad crashes and burns.

No I've never been married (or in love, or had a date, my first kiss or even a crush) but the women I've talked to are nice and I enjoy just talking with them or working on schoolprojects when I was taking my student-exam (similar to US College I think) but I also know that most of the women out there are of a personality and lifestyle that just doesn't mix with mine and therefore a marriage would never work in daily real life and then what's the point? In my personal non-indoctrinated opinion you marry someone you love, know, trust and think of as your soulmate, love of your life, best friend and such knowledge requires some time and work to gather. However I know that most people are much more emotional than me and perhaps that overwhelms them when they fall in love and simply don't think further (not calling anyone dumb at all!). Honestly, I don't know, I have no knowledge/experience about the subject so I'm not qualified to comment on it.

I myself see life such as that things are wasted if they don't work in daily real life. Like, I'd love a Grumman F-14 Tomcat to fly in, but could I handle the g-forces it could pull? Could I pay for the fuel, could I pay for someone to come and service it? And what if that couldn't be done on my airstrip, then I'd have to ferry-flight it and then find a transport back home if it was say in another state.

Sometimes things in life work, sometimes life itself is against it so the best intentions in the world are powerless. Sorry if I offended anyone in here, either ex-husband or ex-wife.

Ok, an improvised joke I just thought of:
Why did the chicken cross the road? Because Chuck saw an FAA Inspector up ahead!

Frank
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on November 01, 2007, 05:55:19 AM
Sigh, and again my attemps at jokes with a dose of reality-isn't-that-bad crashes and burns.

Frank, if we couldn't laugh about our "experiences" with our ex-wifes . . .
 . . . we'd be in the wrong forum.

I really just thought your post was funny, intentional or not!
Was a good laugh!!  ::wave::

No deep thoughts behind it!!
like I said --> pilot forum!!
you know very well that deep thoughts and pilots don't mix
HAHA
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Frank N. O. on November 01, 2007, 05:58:51 AM
Ok, I just wanted to be sure, because nice people like you guys/gals are too valuable to loose so I'd just make sure. I often check myself too to make sure I haven't slipped in my behaviour (especially driving) and that's one of the reasons I do as well as I do (11 yeards driving, no damage or tickets).

Did you like the joke at the bottom btw? As I said it was one that just thought of just as I was finishing the post.

Edit: And here's another one from a webcomic I'm reading from the start: http://corneralley.comicgenesis.com/d/20040308.html (Noelle Manchides is an elf and 100 years is still young for them).

Frank
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on November 01, 2007, 06:12:27 AM
Like, I'd love a Grumman F-14 Tomcat to fly in,
Frank

Ahhhhh, but would she, (the F-14), understand you??

Thats my problem.. My ex-wives could not understand me like LaFawnduh or Lucy do... And I quote..

"The average helicopter pilot, despite the sometimes swaggering exterior, is very much capable of such feeling as love, affection, intimacy and caring. These feelings just do not involve anyone else."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: airtac on November 01, 2007, 06:51:28 AM
(This is of course a joke on the stereotypical nagging wife, in real life I doubt many of those exist, and in several cases the husband probably did something to deserve the chewing out :D).

Frank

Your joking right.."dont exist"--bullsh*t--why do you think I am an EX-husband--twice--You have never been married huh?????
Got bit twice, HUH---I suppose that could make ya a little cynical..............One divorce was enough to change my attitude for life :-\
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: PiperGirl on November 01, 2007, 12:36:34 PM
I got this verrrrrry tempting little note in my email today. Who ever sent it must not know our government very well!!! 6-9 days for a refund ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: Now if they had said 6-9 months, it might have been a bit more believeable ;D ;D ;D

Quote
After the last annual calculations of your fiscal activity we have determined that you are eligible to receive a tax refund of $109.30. Please submit the tax refund request and allow us 6-9 days in order to process it.

A refund can be delayed for a variety of reasons. For example submitting invalid records or applying after the deadline.

To access the form for your tax refund, please click here

Regards,
Internal Revenue Service
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Fabo on November 01, 2007, 01:00:56 PM
It is 6-9 days to process it. That means, I believe, 6-9 days till someone puts it in "has time" directory :)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Baradium on November 02, 2007, 07:57:42 AM
Frank,  stop worrying about what other people think and be yourself.     For one, you don't say anything that ever offends anyone here anyway.   

You don't need to apologize becasue someone *might* be offended.  Unless you *know* it's going to offend someone don't worry about it.


We all know you're a good guy with good intentions, just have fun and enjoy yourself!   Worrying so much is going to give you heartburn!


If you offend someone unintentionally, apologize... but there's no need to apologize pre-emptively.   We're all friends here and there's no need to do that with friends!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Frank N. O. on November 02, 2007, 01:28:50 PM
Okie dokie smokie, 10-4, roger wilco, it has sunk in now |:)\
Besides after the morning walk Mike got me to take has left me exhuasted. Something happend later, not connected to the walk but this isn't the thread for it.

Did anyone read my chicken-crossing joke?

Frank
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on November 03, 2007, 04:18:37 AM
Okie dokie smokie, 10-4, roger wilco, it has sunk in now |:)\
Besides after the morning walk Mike got me to take has left me exhuasted. Something happend later, not connected to the walk but this isn't the thread for it.
Frank


You met a woman and fell in love..made mad passionate looove???  Dont hold us in suspense Frank...you know that is not fair... ::whistle:: Ya know---walking is healthy for you...

Ya know, I have two theories on understanding women..







Neither one worked.. ::loony::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on November 03, 2007, 05:15:48 AM
Quote
Ya know, I have two theories on understanding women..

I only have one:

Women... Can't live with 'em.  Pass the Beer Nuts.    ;D>:D ::drinking::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on November 03, 2007, 05:18:37 AM
Quote
Did anyone read my chicken-crossing joke?

Frank, that's the best explaination I've heard to date!   ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Frank N. O. on November 03, 2007, 05:45:24 AM
Roost: Hahaha, good one (btw, does the women you can't live with include barmaids?) :D

G-man: Actually it was a story that started sad but went ok. My mom had to go to the doctor with heart-problems and was then driven by ambulance to the hospital but she came home in the evening and seems to be ok.

Frank
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Baradium on November 03, 2007, 07:01:35 AM
I did find out after I came up here that I did most of my flight training in a chicken...
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on November 03, 2007, 06:35:53 PM
Redneck Tank Top!   ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: 4X-NTY on November 03, 2007, 07:29:12 PM
Bill Hicks the comedian-i love my job,not because of sharing lughter and all this shit,but because of the fact that i dont have a boss! well,in my jobs with job its like this- "Hicks! how come youre not working?"
"cause there nothin' to do!"
"then why dont you pretend like youre working?"
"why should i pretend? you get paid more you'll pretend! also pretend that im mopping the floor,knock yourself out! pretend theyre buying stuff and we close up,pretend that im the boss and youre fired,thats a fantasy..."

so,im sitting in a waffle house,im alon,im reading,and im eating,so,the waffle waitress come over to me and asks me "what's you're reading for?
"well.... i never have been asked that! shit,you stunt me! what am i reading for... what am i... well,i guess theres a lot of reasons why i am reading for,but one of them is NOT BEING A FUCKING WAFFLE WAITRESS,yeah... that is really high on the list",so... the guy in the next booth comes to me and says "well... look like we have ourselves a reader" what the fuck is going on? i'm not readin in a non-reading zone am i? am i stepping out of some intellectual closet? i read! there,i said it,i feel better now...
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on November 04, 2007, 04:20:06 AM
The new "Survivor"
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on November 04, 2007, 05:08:45 AM
 >:D >:D >:D >:D >:D >:D >:D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on November 04, 2007, 05:12:30 AM
Whipped Cream... ::eek::
Title: Abott and Costello (Modernized version)
Post by: FlyboyGil on November 04, 2007, 08:22:07 PM
A spoof of the ol' who's on first  :) :)

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking  about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know.? What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO:? No. On the computer! I need something I can use to writeproposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?!
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my compute r?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START".............
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Fabo on November 04, 2007, 09:04:20 PM
So true. Going to install Linux.  ::wave::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: gibbo_335 on November 06, 2007, 11:55:58 PM
Serenity  :D OR Senility  ???  ::)

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the
very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?"
"98," she replied.
"Two years older than me"
"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?

___________________________________________________________
 
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
"And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the
reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
 
___________________________________________________________

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter
eggs.
 ___________________________________________________________

I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought
prostate cancer and diabetes, I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.  Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends.

But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.
___________________________________________________________
 
 
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my
doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an
hour.
But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
 
___________________________________________________________
 
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she
had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over K-Mart.
"K-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why K-Mart"?
"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week"
 
 ___________________________________________________________
 
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
 
___________________________________________________________
 
Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
 
___________________________________________________________
 
 
It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.
___________________________________________________________
 
These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says,
"For fast relief."
___________________________________________________________
 
THE SENILITY PRAYER:
___________________________________________________________
 
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, and
the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell
the difference.
___________________________________________________________
 
Always Remember This:
You don't stop laughing because you grow old,  ;D
You grow old because you stop laughing.  ;D
  ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: AirScorp on November 07, 2007, 02:06:26 PM
A TV person walks into a little village where the most elderly people supposedly live, microphone in hand, camera crew behind him.

Walks to an elderly man and starts the interview:

-So Granpa, tell us, what is the secret of longevity?
-See, son, to live long you have to do what I did. Eat vegetables and fruit, no meat and live a carefree life
-And how old are you?
-105, son!

Then turns to another one sitting beside him:

-How about you, what did you do to live that long?
-Ohhh, the secret is to resist the temptations.. No sex but with my wife, and that done in an orderly fashion, no thrills, no smoking, no alchool whatsoever. Just open air in the fields and you'll live as long as me.
-And how old are you?
-119 sonny!
-Wow grandpa!

Then another elderly fellow walks in, bent over a cane, looks a total wreck from old age but still standing, hands shaking all over and starts to speak to the TV person with a trembly old-age voice..

-These guys give you sh*t, I'll tell you what to do! All my life I was doing all kinds of drugs, smoking, getting my hands on every stripper there was, drunk like a mule, smoked like a funnel, eated everything I liked, never slept a decent sleep, never worked a day in my life, never exersised! These guys just missed out!
-Wow, and you look like a Methuselah! How old are you exactly?

-Omhhhhhh, 25?
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Frank N. O. on November 09, 2007, 07:11:11 AM
Oooooh, one heck of a set of jokes there, 25 years old LOL.

And here's another one from my big list of aviation jokes (I hope I haven't posted these yet).

And from the Northeast U.S.:
"Mornin’ center, ABC123 Heavy checking in at 12,000 and 250kts assigned."
"Roger ABC123 Heavy, cross DRESR at 9,000 reduce speed to 210kts."
"Cross DRESR at 9,000 slow to 210, ABC123 Heavy."
From unknown crew...
"Yeah, we have one of those [Cross Dresser] at our company too."

---
And now some aussie humour!
And from Sydney, Australia:
"Hold your push back QANTAS, you've got a Virgin with a tight slot behind you."

---
Ok, this one is great:
"Listen up, gentlemen, or something's gonna happen that none of us wants to see."
---
"You're gonna have to key the mic. I can't see you when you nod your head."

Frank
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: PiperGirl on November 09, 2007, 02:36:12 PM
WHO DOES WHAT


A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee"
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and beside s, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says .




"HEBREWS"
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on November 12, 2007, 09:59:35 PM
What's going on in the car forums?

Bentley Forums
- - - I used the ash tray today. How do I replace it?

Camaro/Firebird Forums
- - - My girl slept with my brother and my wife. How can I kill 'em? btw, I have a record and I ain't going back.

Mustang (Chevelle) forums
- - -Some punk kid in a Civic tried to race me.

Monte Carlo forums
- - -Why do I keep getting pulled over, it ain't stolen yo.

Civic forums
- - -Some punk kid in a Mustang tried to race me.

VW Bug forum
- - - The Save the Earth concert was a success (pics)

Yugo Forum
- - - When's the last time yours ran?

Lamborghini forum
- - - Wind noise around 210MPH

Miata forums
- - - Some redneck jackass in a Chevy Tahoe just ran over my car (pics)

Chevy Tahoe forum
- - -Miata stuck in my undercarriage. How do I safely remove it? (pics)

Pontiac Fiero forum
- - - Just bought a new flame retardant suit (pics)

BMW 7-series forum
- - - Where to get service on my Rolex?

Cadillac forum
- - - Problems parallel parking at bingo.

Chevy Suburban Forum
- - - Is the price of gas going down anytime soon?

Buick Forum
- - - Is Medicare or Medicaid right for me?

Delorean forum
- - - Just got back from the future and blew a head gasket. Please help. I'm from 1985.

Crown Victoria forum
- - - How come people never pass me on the highway?

Honda Accord forum
- - - Mom is giving me the car. Looking for some cheap, used 18 inch rims.

Toyota Echo forum
- - - Do our cars use AAA or AA's?

Ferrari forums
- - - Need suggestions about a business trip to Colombia. Want to get in and out fast.

Porsche forums
- - - Tire just went flat. Is it best to trade or sell the car myself?

Saturn forums
- - - Roman candle landed on my fender. Melted and need to replace.

Jaguar forum
- - - Is the carbon fiber dash kit group-buy still on?

Mercedes forum
- - - My wife and her stink hole lawyer are trying to ruin me in divorce court. How do I get them both killed and not get in trouble with my medical board?

Mini forum
- - - Just flipped the Cooper after seeing The Italian Job. Suing the movie company. (pics)

Dodge Viper forum
- - - I frightened myself on the way home from work yesterday. How to get pee stains out of the leather?

McLaren F1 forum
- - -Some punk kid in a F16 tried to race me.

Dodge Minivan forum
- - - Where's the best place to post the soccer schedule so I don't forget where I'm supposed to be?

Hummer forum
- - - Had a fender bender today. 24 hurt, 10 killed. Do I have to get the black touch-up paint from the dealer? He's 25 miles away. That's $35 in gas.

Fiat forum
- - -Hello? Am I the only member?

Subaru WRX forum
- - - I hate cops. Got ticketed for drifting in the Walmart parking lot.

Chevy pickup forum
- - - How do I git the dried tobacco juice stains off the side of mah truck?

SRT Forums
"Will this void my warranty"

RX7 Forums
- - - 13B Groupbuy full, stop PM'ing me.

DSM Forums
- - -Transmission Groupbuy Full stop PM'ing me

Supra Forums
- - -Head to big to fit in car, should have bought a Targa.

Vette Forums
- - -Why did I pay $50k for something with a Cavalier steering wheel?

Ford 2.3 forums
- - -Help! Replaced everything, still doesn't start!


Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: gibbo_335 on November 12, 2007, 10:15:51 PM
 ::rofl:: ::rofl:: That made my day G-Man...LOVE IT!!!  ::rofl:: ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: airtac on November 13, 2007, 05:18:03 AM
G-man, Ah don't git it---cept fer the Chevy pickup one--them tobacky stains come riat off with Dubya D 40 on a rag  ::knockedout::   Give my wife a coffee can to spit in an now I ain't got'em on the passenger no mores ::bow::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Frank N. O. on November 13, 2007, 06:36:25 AM
Great ones :D

And here's a aviator-one to continue the party with :D

Typhoon forum
- - -Some punk kid in a Bugatti Veyron tried to race me (video) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tYhd_N01fLg

Btw. is the Ford 2.3 the modern Mazda MZR-based PZEV unit or the old one used in the 80's in the Ford Sierra XR4I-based Merkur XR4Ti, Ford Mustang SVO and Ford Thunderbird Turbo?

Frank

P.S. Actually the engine used in the DeLorean DMC-12 was used by several car-brands in Europe (Renault, Volvo, Peugeot, Lancia, Venturi, Alpine) so a head gasket is so easy to find.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: PiperGirl on November 14, 2007, 01:18:06 AM
G-man, Ah don't git it---cept fer the Chevy pickup one--them tobacky stains come riat off with Dubya D 40 on a rag  ::knockedout::   Give my wife a coffee can to spit in an now I ain't got'em on the passenger no mores ::bow::
::rofl::  ::rofl::  ::rofl::  ::rofl::  ::rofl::  ::rofl::  ::bow::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Franz on November 14, 2007, 12:59:13 PM
What do toy trains and breast have in common?







Both supposed to be for little kids, but it's usually men who play with them.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on November 15, 2007, 05:11:36 AM
I just read an article on the dangers of heavy drinking....
 
Scared the Crap out of me.
 
So that's it!
 
After today, no more  reading.  ::drinking:: ::drinking:: ::drinking:: ::drinking::
 ::drinking:: ::drinking:: ::drinking:: ::drinking:: ::drinking:: ::drinking::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on November 15, 2007, 05:12:32 AM
I just read an article on the dangers of heavy drinking....
 
Scared the Crap out of me.
 
So that's it!
 
After today, no more  reading.  ::drinking:: ::drinking:: ::drinking:: ::drinking::
 ::drinking:: ::drinking:: ::drinking:: ::drinking:: ::drinking:: ::drinking::

RIGHT ON!!!!!!!!!  ;D  ;D  ;D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on November 17, 2007, 08:13:06 PM
Bubba was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was REALLY angry.

She told him,  "Tomorrow morning I expect to find  a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds  !!!"

The next morning Bubba got up early and left for work. When his wife  woke up she looked out the window and, sure enough, there was a gift-wrapped box in the middle of  the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the  driveway, and brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bubba has been missing since Friday.

Please pray for  him.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Franz on November 17, 2007, 10:38:46 PM
Great one . . .
------------------------------------------------

You are flying helicopters, but all you have is some old, run down sling wing thingy ?
There is still some hope for you: Pimp my Ride (http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=6586794227994895955)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on November 19, 2007, 08:15:41 PM
Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says, "Where in the
hell have you been?"

Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."

"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you Get?"

"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain.
"Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred Dollar bill tattooed on
his privates?"

"Well, One, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to
play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly,
instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and
blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

Larry is recovering in room 232 at John Hopkins Hospital.

 >:D >:D >:D >:D >:D >:D >:D >:D >:D >:D >:D >:D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on November 20, 2007, 08:11:10 PM
One we can all relate to.   ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on November 20, 2007, 10:03:04 PM
One we can all relate to.   ::rofl::

That was actually kinda depressing :(
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on November 20, 2007, 10:07:33 PM
If its that depressing, just read the Tattoo post above it for a pick-me-up.  Hehe   ::loony:: ::loony::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: airtac on November 20, 2007, 11:51:40 PM
They forgot the LAST set of wheels----the hearse :(
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: AirScorp on November 21, 2007, 02:15:31 AM
What? No airplane wheels?????  :P
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on November 21, 2007, 04:55:49 PM
What? No airplane wheels?????  :P
Not for non-pilots.   ::rambo::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on November 21, 2007, 04:56:36 PM
A Cow's Tail

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two
black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to YOU?"

"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a
difficult hole, we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle.

We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of
the cows had something white at its rear end."

"I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball
with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's
fanny.

Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks
like yours!'"

"I don't remember much after that"
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on November 21, 2007, 05:01:19 PM
Having travelled across the length and breadth of NC, I can attest to the accuracy of these.

LOL A friend of mine send me these... Having friends from NC ...I had to laugh at these...
 
Things I have learned living in the mountains of North Carolina:

    1. A Possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.
2. "Onced" and "Twiced" are words.
3. It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy.
4. "Jaw-P" means "Did ya'll go to the bathroom?"

5. People actually grow AND eat okra.
6. "Fixinto" is one word.
7. There is no such thing as "lunch". There is only dinner and then there is supper.
8. Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar!
9. Backards and forards means "I know everything about you."
10. The word "Jeet" is actually a phrase meaning "Did you eat?"
11. You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it is. You work until you're done or it's too dark to see.
12. You don't PUSH butt ons, you MASH them.
13. You measure distance in minutes.
14. You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
15. You use "fix" as a verb. For example: "I'm fixing to go git somethin at eat."
16. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal.
17. You know what a "DAWG" is.
18. You carry jumper cables in your car. For your OWN car.
19. You only own five spices: salt, pepper, Texas Pete, Tabasco and Ketchup.
20. The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local gossip and motorsports.
21. You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.
22. You find 100 degrees Fahrenheit "a bit warm".
23. You know all four seasons: Almost Summer, Summer, still Summer and Christmas.
24. Going to Wal-mart is a favorite past time known as "goin' Wal-martin" or off to "Wally World."
25. You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good soup weather.
26. We don't need no dang Driver's Ed. If our mama says we can drive, we can drive dag-nabbit.
27. You understand these jokes and forward them to your Georgia & Tennessee friends (and those who just wish they were.)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Baradium on November 21, 2007, 07:42:16 PM
Having travelled across the length and breadth of NC, I can attest to the accuracy of these.

8. Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar!

Mmm....  tea....   tea goes good with breakfast.   :)

Quote
24. Going to Wal-mart is a favorite past time known as "goin' Wal-martin" or off to "Wally World."

I knew a  guy in GA who went to Wal-mart for fun.  He wouldn't even buy anything.  He might buy a drink and then walk around the store for an hour or so.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on November 22, 2007, 12:15:16 AM
MEN OF THE YEAR!! Yessir these men show their women just what they truly mean to them! ::drinking:: ::drinking:: ::thinking:: ::thinking::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on November 22, 2007, 03:35:47 AM
Forgive me if this has been posted before, but I had to share it!

 ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl::

Quote
Promiscuity in China

 

An American tourist goes on a trip to China . While in China , he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time.

 

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple bumps.

 

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like it, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days.

 

The man returns in a couple of days and the doctor says: 'I've got bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it'.

 

The man looks a little perplexed and says: 'Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc'. The doctor answers: 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure.

 

We're going to have to amputate your penis'. The man screams ! In horror, 'Absolutely not! I want a second opinion'.

 

The doctor replies: 'Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice'.

 

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease.

 

The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: 'Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely lare disease'.

 

The guy says to the doctor: 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that!, but what we can do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis?'

 

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: 'Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money, that way. No need to opelate!'

 

'Oh, Thank God!', the man replies.

 

'Yes', says the Chinese doctor, 'You   no worry! Wait two weeks, fall off by itself! You save money.'
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on November 22, 2007, 03:41:19 AM
Finally!  An answer to the question we have all asked at one time or another...   ::whistle:: ::whistle:: ::whistle:: ::whistle:: ::whistle::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on November 22, 2007, 03:42:58 AM
The Light at the end of the Tunnel!!!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: airtac on November 22, 2007, 06:13:47 AM
You're a veeeery strange person RC  :P
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on November 22, 2007, 06:30:16 AM
You're a veeeery strange person RC  :P

I'll take that as a compliment, Jim!  <EG>   >:D ;D |:)\
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: airtac on November 22, 2007, 07:23:36 AM
You're a veeeery strange person RC  :P

I'll take that as a compliment, Jim!  <EG>   >:D ;D |:)\
|:)\ |:)\ |:)\ |:)\ |:)\ |:)\ |:)\ |:)\ |:)\ |:)\ |:)\ |:)\ |:)\ |:)\ |:)\ |:)\ ::eek:: ::eek:: ::eek::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on November 23, 2007, 01:20:56 AM
This Year's First Christmas Joke


 

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

 

"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said,"You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

 

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.

 

"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.

 

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."

 

Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".

 

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

 

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

 

The man replied, "These are Carols."

 

 

And So The Christmas Season Begins...
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Frank N. O. on November 23, 2007, 02:07:12 AM
Not sure if this is the right place to post this but I just saw this in the danish pilot's forum, the poster who's listed as living in USA said he got it from his US pilot colleagues:
Quote
We Knew This Was Going To Happen: iPhone Equipped Passenger Takes On Flight Crew Over Weather

One of our subscribers sent me this story today. We all knew this one was inevitable when the latest iPhone commercial rolled out -- now didnt we?
"Oh joy! I can't wait for the next ground delay or long taxi due to weather somewhere to get a smart ass with a freakin I-phone shoving it in my face saying "It's NOT raining there... SEE !" Too late ... already happened to me. We push back, get advised of a ground stop in MEM due to storms in the area. Go to the penalty box and wait. My Captain does the lecture over the PA... not one minute later, we get dinged from the F/A "Some guy with an IPhone says the weather is good, and wants to know what the real reason is for the delay. Is something wrong with the plane?"

I want to tell this clown what he can do with his IdiotPhone - but the Captain does it even better. He gets on the PA and makes the following announcement :

"If the passenger with the IPhone would be kind enough to use it to check the weather at our alternate, calculate our fuel burn due to being rerouted around the storms, call the dispatcher to arrange our release, and then make a phone call to the nearest Air Traffic Control center to arrange our timely departure amongst the other aircraft carrying passengers with IPhones, then we will be more than happy to depart. Please ring your call button to advise the Flight Attendant and your fellow passengers when you deem it ready and responsible for this multi-million dollar aircraft and its passengers to safely leave."

Needless to say, the pax was pretty embarrassed. The F/A later told us the rest of the plane was outright laughing at this dude. What a clown."
Frank
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on November 23, 2007, 02:53:24 AM
I just received that in an email about a week or two ago.  Sounds believable to me!   ::rambo:: ::rambo:: ::rambo::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on November 23, 2007, 05:41:09 PM
A man approached a very beautiful woman in a large super market and said.

"You know I have lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you please talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

"How is that going to help you to find out your wife ?" asked the woman.

"Well," replied the man, "every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere!"
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on November 24, 2007, 03:45:14 AM
Whores and Hockey Players

A man in a Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce. The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce. The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.


Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some A-hole wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.




Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"

"Canada, sir," the boy replied.




"Well, why did you leave Canada ?" the manager asked.




The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there."

"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada."



"No $hit?" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on November 24, 2007, 03:46:22 AM
A Sign Of Change

       There were two old men sitting on a park bench passing the day away
talking. One old man asked the other, "How is your wife?"

       The second old guy replied, "I think she may be dead!"

       The first man asked, "What do you mean you THINK she is dead?"

       The second explained, "Well...the sex is the same but the dishes are
starting to pile up."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on November 26, 2007, 12:34:38 AM
 On the first day God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give you back the other ten." So God agreed.

On the second day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?" And God agreed.


On the third day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years."


The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty and I'll give back the other forty." And God agreed again.


On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. I'll give you twenty years."

Man said, "What? Only twenty years! Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back and the ten the monkey gave back and the ten the dog gave back, that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You've got a deal."

So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy ourselves; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: airtac on November 26, 2007, 05:43:36 AM
OH MAN ::eek:: That explains the irresistible urge to make goofy faces at kids----scary ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Frank N. O. on November 27, 2007, 01:06:32 PM
Oh Gilligan that was too funny!  ::rofl::

Frank
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on November 27, 2007, 07:48:32 PM
HOW TO PROPERLY PRONOUNCE "OKLAHOMA"





There is a right way and a wrong way to pronounce Oklahoma




The proper way is...

"Okla...   homa"

There is a pause between the 'a' and the 'h'.

See the reason below.


















































There!  You learned something today!  Hehe.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: gibbo_335 on November 28, 2007, 01:16:20 AM
Rules for dating daughters

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of the date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without using a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with one of my little girls, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. You might have heard about her other two sisters, but you will not look. If you make her cry, I make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Forth Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are sofas, beds, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and my old Army Field Jacket - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature power tools are okay. Football games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a middle-aged, gray-headed, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and a half acre behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to drift back a few years to my Army days and mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a hostile vehicle. Whenever I hear engines at night, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the weapons, probably as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Announce the perimeter password, relay in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on November 28, 2007, 04:46:52 AM
Gibbo, best advise I can give to a man with daughters is to NEVER ALLOW THE GIRLS TO WEAR SHIRTS THAT SAY "OKLA...  HOMA".  LMAO!!!   ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: PiperGirl on November 30, 2007, 01:21:39 PM
Husbands and Wives...


Wife: Honey..... What are You Looking for ?
Husband : Nothing.
Wife : Nothing...?? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour ??
Husband : I was just looking for the expiration date.
 
                 **********   
 
Q - What is the Difference Between Mother & Wife ?
A - One Woman Brings you into this world crying... & the other ensures you continue to do so.   
 
                **********   
 
Wife : Do you want dinner?
Husband : Sure, what are my choices?
Wife : Yes and no.   
 
                 **********   
 
Wife: You always carry my photo in your briefcase to the office.  Why?
Husband: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Husband: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"   
 
                 **********   
 
Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.
Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have any worries or troubles.
Girl: Well that's because we aren't married yet.   
 
                 **********   
 
 
Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap.   
 
               **********   
 
A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"
"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE"   
 
               **********   
 
Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?"
Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."
Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?"
Millionaire: " A Billionaire"   
 
             **********   
 
Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: Thanks for the warning.
 
             **********   
 
A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me my pretty face or my sexy body?"
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humor."

 ::rofl::

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on December 01, 2007, 01:00:29 AM
Here something aviation related:

It's called "BARF-BAGS DON'T WORK AT ZERO G'S"
so you can kind of guess what you'll see. I don't want to hear complaints about the material I posted later.
All you high time guys have experienced similar things I am sure....

http://www.break.com/index/barf-bags-dont-work-at-0-gs.html (http://www.break.com/index/barf-bags-dont-work-at-0-gs.html)



PS: If that's their girlfriend back there, I really wonder if they are still together or not . . .  ;) ::)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Frank N. O. on December 01, 2007, 01:30:06 AM
I saw that yesterday, poor girl. I just can't help to think that the pilot wasn't that smart, loose cargo, loose passengers, poor girl btw.

Frank
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on December 01, 2007, 02:31:52 AM
Yeah Mike, I got that in an email a couple days ago.  I sent it back out with the caption, "This is why you should not practice stalls with passengers on board".  Pretty Gross, huh?  The girl on the right looks like she's enjoying it until the smell from the vomit hits her... damn funny how you can see when that happens!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on December 01, 2007, 03:14:46 AM
See what addiction does to someone?
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on December 01, 2007, 03:26:09 AM
HOW TO PROPERLY PRONOUNCE "OKLAHOMA"
There is a right way and a wrong way to pronounce Oklahoma
"Okla...   homa"


Kinda lik "UG--LY" For those who remember when I was in Nashville with "Lucy".. I erased the badge # to protect the innocent ::whistle:: ::whistle::

(http://i76.photobucket.com/albums/j35/helokat/0a066adc.jpg)

Close up:

(http://i76.photobucket.com/albums/j35/helokat/1b117672.jpg)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on December 01, 2007, 11:41:22 PM
some things are more fun floating around than puke !!
 ;D

check out his ears!!  ;D

http://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=floating+dog (http://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=floating+dog)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Fabo on December 02, 2007, 10:30:30 AM
Dog is definitely funny. Puke no way. I just f---ing wish it was not the pilots intention...

R/C Well I know that contrast by myself, one one side me enjoying any crazy kind of stuff gey did with us, on the other side plain-white women beating pilots head with barf bag she had ready in case ;D

Though in 250kph in some 10meters rapidly closing in to two 30m trees I was getting ready for impact as well... luckily to find myself in steep climb missing the trees by few meters... well cropdusting pilots showwed his skills :)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on December 02, 2007, 04:43:41 PM
Chuck is this you?

I was having trouble with my computer.
I called Harold the computer guy, to come over. 
Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.
As he was walking away, I called after him, ' So, what was wrong?' 
He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.' 
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheles s inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? 
What's that ... in case I need to fix it again?'

Harold grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?'

'No,' I replied.

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

So I wrote down:   I D 1 0 T

     I used to like Harold
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on December 02, 2007, 04:45:44 PM
Microsoft Errors
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on December 02, 2007, 04:46:36 PM
More Microsoft errors
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on December 03, 2007, 01:12:57 AM
 IT SUPPORT

Dear IT Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the Flower and Jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as: Football 5.0, Rugby 4.3 and Cricket 3.0.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs; it simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, to no avail What can I do?

Signed, Desperate



Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.

Try entering the command: C:/I-THOUGHT-YOU-LOVED-ME to download Tears 6.2, which should automatically install Guilt 3.0. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.

WARNING: Beer 6.1 is a very nasty program that will create Snoring Loudly.

CAUTION: Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law. This is not a supported application and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally would recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck, IT Support
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: airtac on December 03, 2007, 05:19:28 PM



  DEAR MADAM:

 THANK YOU FOR YOUR RECENT ORDER FROM OUR SEX TOYS WEBSITE,
 
 YOU'VE REQUESTED THE EXTRA LARGE RED VIBRATOR AS FEATURED ON OUR WALL DISPLAY.
 
 PLEASE SELECT ANOTHER ITEM...... THAT'S OUR FIRE EXTINGUISHER... :o
 
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: AirScorp on December 04, 2007, 12:33:27 AM
Haha! Already said that one today!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: TheSoccerMom on December 04, 2007, 12:45:06 AM
Now THAT is FUNNY!!!!!!!!    :D

Crazy Daddy AIRTAC!!!!!!!!!!   ::bow:: 

 ::rofl::                ::rofl::                 ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Turbomallard on December 04, 2007, 03:51:54 AM
Microsoft Errors

Re PEBKAC-- we used to actually use that in the help desk logs! The campus upgraded the help desk software to a system where users could log in and see what we had written about their tickets, and thus we couldn't be blatantly honest as we had been previously when only the help desk staff was able to view the tickets. We started using this acronym to explain the really stupid calls.

 ::rofl:: ::type:: ::whistle:: ::loony::

TM
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on December 04, 2007, 05:10:34 AM
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.”

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.
After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, “Who was that?”

“It was Bob the next door neighbor,” she replies.

“Great!” the husband says, “Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on December 04, 2007, 05:24:10 AM
 :)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on December 04, 2007, 05:45:30 PM
More 'Toons
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on December 04, 2007, 10:04:22 PM
Considered that Xmas is approaching........

As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research
 help from that renowned scientific journal SPY magazine (January, 1990)
 --here is the annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus.
 
 1) No known species of reindeer can fly.  BUT there are 300,000 species
 of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are
 insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer
 which only Santa has ever seen.
 
 2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world.  BUT
 since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and
 Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378
 million according to the Population Reference Reference Bureau.  At an
 average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million
 homes.  One presumes there's at least one good child in each.
 
 3)  Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different
 time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west
 (which seems logical).  This works out to 822.6 visits per second.  This is
 to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has
 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney,
 fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat
 whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the
 sleigh and move on to the next house.  Assuming that each of these 91.8
 millions stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course,
 we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will
 accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of
 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at
 least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.
 
 This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000
 times the speed of sound.  For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made
 vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per
 second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.
 
 4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element.  Assuming
 that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds),
 the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably
 described as overweight.  On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more
 than 300 pounds.  Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could
 pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even
 nine.  We need 214,200 reindeer.  This increases the payload - not even
 counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons.  Again, for
 comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.
 
 5) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air
 resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as
 spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere.  The lead pair of reindeer
 will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy.  Per second.  Each.  In
 short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the
 reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake.  The
 entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second.
 Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times
 greater than gravity.  A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim)
 would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.
 
 In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's
 dead now. Merry X-mas.

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: airtac on December 05, 2007, 04:05:54 PM
In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's
 dead now. Merry X-mas.

WELL THEN, WHO EATS THE COOKIES I PUT OUT ON CHRISTMAS EVE ???
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on December 05, 2007, 05:04:18 PM
In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's
 dead now. Merry X-mas.

WELL THEN, WHO EATS THE COOKIES I PUT OUT ON CHRISTMAS EVE ???

The stalker who takes pictures of you when you don't know it, and puts them on internet. ::loony:: ::loony:: ::loony:: ::loony:: ::loony:: ::loony:: ::loony:: ::loony:: ::loony:: ::loony::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on December 05, 2007, 05:53:18 PM
WELL THEN, WHO EATS THE COOKIES I PUT OUT ON CHRISTMAS EVE ???

I'm asking myself the same question. I presume this year I will check! I'll let you know! :-)

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: airtac on December 06, 2007, 10:10:14 AM
In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's
 dead now. Merry X-mas.

WELL THEN, WHO EATS THE COOKIES I PUT OUT ON CHRISTMAS EVE ???

The stalker who takes pictures of you when you don't know it, and puts them on internet. ::loony:: ::loony:: ::loony:: ::loony:: ::loony:: ::loony:: ::loony:: ::loony:: ::loony:: ::loony::
That fat, bald, naked old man sitting on the toilet is NOT me............ ::banghead::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on December 07, 2007, 07:02:24 PM
A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech. If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing else left to live for."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: AirScorp on December 07, 2007, 09:17:31 PM
You mean they do?????????
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on December 08, 2007, 04:56:50 AM
You mean they do?????????

Only sometimes, Nick...  Only sometimes...   ::complaining: ::banghead:: ::complaining: ::banghead:: ::complaining: ::banghead::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: airtac on December 08, 2007, 06:05:08 AM
You mean they do?????????
I wouldn't be gentleman if I answered that
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on December 08, 2007, 06:11:07 AM
You mean they do?????????
I wouldn't be gentleman if I answered that

No one ever accused me of being a "Gentleman"   >:D >:D >:D >:D >:D >:D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Turbomallard on December 10, 2007, 02:48:26 PM
Add feathers, subtract spouse from this and you've got Chuck!!!!!

http://worteldrie.com/flash/emergency.swf

TM
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: PiperGirl on December 10, 2007, 07:47:59 PM
Frosty 'toons
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on December 11, 2007, 03:17:25 AM
Add feathers, subtract spouse from this and you've got Chuck!!!!!

http://worteldrie.com/flash/emergency.swf

TM

almost looks like our Top-Gun/airshow strip...
I wonder where his idea came from....
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on December 11, 2007, 09:16:10 PM
This was sent to me by email.  Technically most of the runner-ups do not qualify for the Darwin Awards since in order to qualify you have to have removed your Stupid Genes from the Human Gene Pool by a spectacular means.  All of these stories are pretty funny, nonetheless.

Quote
Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.
 
  [My personal favorite is #10...]
 
  Here is the glorious winner:
 
1.  When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California , would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.
 
 
 
And now, the honorable mentions:
 
 2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine  and, after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He t ried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's  claim was approved.
 
 3.  A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
 
 4.  After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found  that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare  to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver  went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He  then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that  the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The  deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
 
5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds  received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries,  the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get  his head to a moving train before he was hit.
 
6.  A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and  asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a  gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly  provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20  bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15.
[If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]
 
7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd
just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze,
and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the
window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the
head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of
Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
 
 
8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her  purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to  give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police  apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the  store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, " Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady
I stole the purse from."
 
9.  The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan , at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]
 
10.  When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a
Seattle street , he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at
the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near
spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to
gt; steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank
by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that
it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
 
 
In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with your friends
and family... unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a
distant relative or long-lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant
and hope they remain lost.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Oddball on December 16, 2007, 11:57:08 AM
more engineering complaints:

compliant: heavy landings experienced while using auto land
reply: no auto land fitted to this aircraft
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Oddball on December 16, 2007, 03:01:56 PM
you may of heard some of these before but what the hey:

Conversations between Air Pilots and Control Towers!!
>
>
>
>While taxiing at London Gatwick, the crew of a US Air flight departing
>for
>
>Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United
>767.
>
>An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew,
>screaming
>
>"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right
>onto
>
>Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there.
>
>I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between Cs and Ds,
>but
>
>get it right!"
>
>Continuing her tirade to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting
>
>hysterically: "God, you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to
>sort
>
>this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You
>can
>
>expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want
>you to
>
>go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You
>got
>
>that, US Air 2771?"
>
>"Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
>
>Naturally the ground control frequency went terribly silent after the
>
>verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to engage the irate ground
>
>controller in her current state. Tension in every cockpit at Gatwick was
>
>running high.
>
>Then an unknown pilot broke the silence and asked: "Wasn't I married to
>you
>
>once?"
>
>______________________________________________________________________
>
>A DC-10 had an exceedingly long rollout after landing with his approach
>
>speed a little high.
>
>San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end of the
>runway,
>
>if able. If not
>
>able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the
>lights
>
>and return to the airport."
>
>______________________________________________________________________
>
>Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7"
>
>Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,
>when
>
>we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the
>runway."
>
>Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on
>124.7.
>
>Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
>
>Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes,
>we
>
>copied Eastern and have already notified our caterers...."
>
>______________________________________________________________________
>
>The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a
>
>short-tempered lot.
>
>They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to
>
>get there without
>
>any assistance from them.
>
>So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the
>
>following exchange
>
>between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign
>
>Speedbird 206"
>
>Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
>
>Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
>
>The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
>
>Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
>
>Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
>
>Ground (with arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to
>
>Frankfurt before?"
>
>Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944 but it was dark and I didn't
>
>stop."
>
>______________________________________________________________________
>
>O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker,
>Oneo
>
>clock, three miles, eastbound."
>
>United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the
>
>little Fokker in sight."
>
>________________________________________________________________
>
>A Pan Am 727 flight engineer waiting for start clearance in Munich
>
>overheard the following
>
>Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
>
>Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak English."
>
>Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in
>
>Germany. Why must I speak English?"
>
>Unknown voice (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the
>bloody war!"
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: airtac on December 16, 2007, 04:12:45 PM



Area 51

Have you heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security,
super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51"?

Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51
were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their
"secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and
hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.

The pilot's story was that he took off from Las Vegas, got
lost, and spotted the base just as he was about to run out
of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check
on the pilot and held him overnight during the
investigation.

By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot
really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his
airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base"
briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his
life in prison, told him Las Vegas was that-a-way on
such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.

The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the
same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MPs surrounded
the plane -- only this time there were two people in the
plane.

The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to
me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her
where I was last night!"

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on December 16, 2007, 09:59:19 PM
Is it a frog, or a horse?! ::knockedout:: ::knockedout:: ::knockedout::
Title: ARE THOSE REAL????
Post by: Mike on December 20, 2007, 05:44:14 PM
Ever heard of the Stella Awards?
Somebody sent this to me. I am not sure if these are real.
And if they are, I will re-post this somewhere else than the humor thread since I find them shocking personally.....

>
>
>
>
>       Proof of entitlement mentality
>
>       It's time again for the annual "Stella Awards"!  For those
>       unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old
>       Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully
>       sued the McDonald's in New Mexico where she purchased the coffee.
>       You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her
>       knees while she was driving.   Who would ever think one could get
>       burned doing that, right?
>
>       That's right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and
>       verdicts in the U.S.  You know, the kinds of cases that make you
>       scratch your head.  So keep your head scratchier handy.
>
>
>       Here are the Stella's for the past year:
>
>
>       7TH PLACE :
>       Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of
>       her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was
>       running inside a furniture store.  The store owners were
>       understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running
>       toddler was her own son.
>
>
>
>       6TH PLACE :
>       Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles, California won $74,000 plus medical
>       expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord.
>       Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of
>       the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps
>
>       Go ahead, grab your head scratchier.
>
>
>
>       5TH P LACE:
>       Terrence Dickson, of Bristol, Pennsylvania, who was leaving a house
>       he had just burglarized by way of the garage.  Unfortunately for
>       Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could
>       not get the garage door to open.  Worse, he couldn't re-enter the
>       house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked
>       when Dickson pulled it shut.  Forced to sit for eight, count 'em,
>       EIGHT, days on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he
>       sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mental
>       Anguish.
>
>       Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson
>       $500,000 for his anguish.  We should all have this kind of anguish.
>
>       Keep scratching. There are more...
>
>
>
>       4TH PLACE :
>       Jerry Williams, of Little Rock , Arkansas , garnered 4th Place in
>       the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after
>       being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even
>       though the beagle was on a chain in its owner 's fenced yard.
>       Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury
>       believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt
>       bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and
>       repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.
>
>       Grrrrr ... Scratch, scratch.
>
>
>
>       3RD PLACE:
>       Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a
>       Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a
>       spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone.  The reason the soft
>       drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30
>       seconds earlier during an argument.  What ever happened to people
>       being responsible for their own actions?
>
>       Scratch, scratch, scratch. Hang in there; there are only two more
>       Stella  to go...
>
>
>
>       2ND PLACE :
>       Kara Walton, of Claymont, Delaware sued the owner of a night club in
>       a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the
>       floor, knocking out her two front teeth.  Even though Ms. Walton was
>       trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the
>       $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her
>       $12,000....oh, yeah,
>       Plus dental expenses. Go figure.
>
>
>
>       1ST PLACE:   (May I have a fanfare played on 50 kazoos please)
>       This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was Mrs. Merv
>       Grazinski, of Oklahoma City , Oklahoma, who purchased a new 32-foot
>       Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU football
>       game, having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at
>       70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the
>       Winnebago to make herself a sandwich.  Not surprisingly, the motor
>       home left the freeway, crashed and overturned.  Also not
>       surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the
>       owner's manu al that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat
>       while the cruise control was set.  The Oklahoma jury awarded her,
>       are you sitting down, $1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago
>       actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just incase
>       Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.
>
>
>
>       Are we, as a society, getting more stupid...?
>
>

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Fabo on December 20, 2007, 07:10:02 PM
These are fake.

But lemme quote last true edition:

Quote
WE'LL BEAT THE PANTS OFF YOU
by Jeffrey Anbinder

  Imagine that someone has LOST YOUR PANTS.

  That's the horrific, unending nightmare that Roy L. Pearson Jr., 57,
suffered for two and a half years. When his hard work as a longtime legal
aid lawyer in Washington, DC paid off with a probationary two-year
appointment as an Administrative Law Judge in 2005, he brought all five
of his suits to Custom Dry Cleaners in for alterations. But when he
returned to pick them up, one pair of pants was missing.

  MISSING!!

  To add insult to injury, when Pearson returned later, the proprietors
-- Jin and Soo Chung -- tried, he claims, to pass off a cheaper pair of
pants as his. He demanded $1,150 for a replacement suit; Pearson wants to
look his best, so he is very particular about his suits despite a limited
budget, and always buys the same style of suit from Hickey Freeman. The
Chungs did not respond.

  Luckily, Washington, D.C., has the Consumer Protection Procedures Act
(CPPA), a law designed to protect consumers from being cheated by local
businesses' broken promises. This law goes beyond simply reporting
someone to the Better Business Bureau, and grants a private right of
action to sue for damages to be made whole again. After all, Custom Dry
Cleaners brazenly displays signs claiming "Same Day Service" and
"Satisfaction Guaranteed" in their store, despite Pearson's catastrophic
experience to the contrary. So he decided to avail himself of these
rights. He did what any one of us would do: he sued the Chungs -- for
$65,462,500. That's right, more than $65 million.

  OK, now it's not so funny anymore.

  Judge Pearson represented himself, casting himself as the victim of an
enormous, malicious fraud, and telling the court with a straight face,
"You will search the D.C. archives in vain for a case of more egregious
or willful conduct." He even began to cry while testifying about the day
he says the Chungs tried to substitute a cheaper pair of pants for his,
then he asked for a break and dabbed away tears as he left the courtroom.

  But if it's sympathy he wants, perhaps Pearson should not have
included the cost of renting a car every weekend for ten years in the
amount of damages he's seeking. Why a car? Oh, that's for driving to
another cleaner, since he doesn't have a car of his own. But that
accounts for only $15,000 of the absurd total; the rest is to compensate
him and the rest of the Chungs' customers for $1,500 per "violation" per
day, times twelve violations, times 1,200 days, times three defendants,
plus the over one thousand hours he claims to have devoted to prosecuting
this case. If it makes you feel better, though, Pearson also indicated
that $51 million of these theoretical damages would be used to help
similarly aggrieved consumers sue other business in the District.

  By the time the case went to trial, the Chungs had offered to settle
it for $3,000 -- then for $4,000 -- and finally for $12,000? Pearson
could have bought ten new suits for that, but he rejected the offer.
Cloaked in the CPPA, he styled himself a "private attorney general"
fighting for the rights of the over 26,000 customers the Chungs had
bamboozled over the years with their "false promises" of "satisfaction
guaranteed".

  "This case shocks me on a daily basis," said the Chungs' attorney,
Chris Manning, before the trial. "Pearson has a lot of time on his hands,
and the Chungs have been abused in a ghastly way. It's going to cost them
tens of thousands to defend this case."

  As to trying to bring in all of the Chungs 26,000 customers into the
case, D.C. Superior Court Judge Neal Kravitz said that "the court has
significant concerns that the plaintiff is acting in bad faith" due to
"the breathtaking magnitude of the expansion he seeks." Among the
questions Pearson demanded the Chungs answer: "Please identify by name,
full address and telephone number, all cleaners known to you on May 1,
2005 in the District of Columbia, the United States and the world that
advertise 'SATISFACTION GUARANTEED.'" Got that? All the dry cleaners in
the world. Since they didn't have personal knowledge of any, the Chungs
were able to answer "None." before they went on to answer the rest of the
interrogatories....

  The trial ended as you might expect (or at least hope) it would:
Superior Court Judge Judith Barnoff ruled in favor of the Chungs, even
awarding them court costs on the grounds that Pearson had "engaged in bad
faith and vexatious litigation." But naturally, that wasn't the end of
it: Pearson filed a motion for reconsideration, which claimed that Judge
Barnoff had "committed a fundamental legal error" and failed to address
his claims. He argued that the court had substituted its own
interpretation of "satisfaction guaranteed" rather than accepting his
argument that the signs were unconditional. The court disagreed and
denied the motion.

  The Chungs later withdrew their motion for court costs, attorneys'
fees, and sanctions, as supporters -- including the American Tort Reform
Association, the Institute for Legal Reform of the United States Chamber
of Commerce, and Washington Post newspaper readers -- had raised nearly
$100,000 to help cover their defense. They said they also hoped that
withdrawing the motion would persuade Pearson to stop litigating.

  But it didn't: a day before the deadline, Pearson filed a notice of
appeal in the pants lawsuit -- so the Chungs are not yet completely off
the hook.

  The loss wasn't the only blow to Pearson. In August, the Commission on
Selection and Tenure of Administrative Law Judges was charged with
deciding whether he should receive a full, 10-year term to continue his
work as a judge. Reports from inside indicate that even after Chief
Administrative Law Judge Tyrone Butler had submitted a letter
recommending Pearson's reappointment, Pearson sent a number of e-mails
within the ALJ staff calling Butler "evil" and "mean-spirited." Butler
changed his recommendation. Based on that, and on questions about
Pearson's judicial temperament and ethics arising from the lawsuit, the
commission came back with a unanimous decision not to recommend his
reappointment. After two months of foot dragging (it's unclear whether by
Pearson or by the Commission -- but we can guess), this week the
Commission hand-delivered a letter ordering Pearson to clean out his
office and get out within 90 minutes. He was paid about $100,000 year as
a judge.

  The Chungs sold the Custom Dry Cleaners shop in question in September,
citing emotional strain and a loss of revenue. They still own one other
dry cleaning shop, and have said they will be focusing on that one for
the future. The infamous pants, meanwhile, have hung in their attorney's
closet for well over a year -- turned over to him because Pearson
wouldn't accept them. "We believe the pants are his," Manning said. "The
tag matches his receipt."

  The True Stella Awards has often said that judges should work harder
to keep frivolous, and especially vexatious, suits out of the courts. How
shocking, then, to find a judge who not only brings such an action to
court himself, but keeps it going even in the face of unanimous
condemnation. The unanimous action by the Commission on Selection and
Tenure of Administrative Law Judges is heartening, but now it's time for
Judge Pearson to lose his license to practice law.

Pick it all up on http://www.stellaawards.com/ (http://www.stellaawards.com/)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Baradium on December 20, 2007, 09:10:55 PM
Here's the snopes link for the stella awards e-mail:
http://www.snopes.com/legal/lawsuits.asp
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: TheSoccerMom on December 21, 2007, 12:23:35 AM
Now, HERE is a guy with talent.

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on December 21, 2007, 03:07:34 AM
Now, HERE is a guy with talent.


Definitely DEFINITELY have him at our beer-dousing, stripper parties!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on December 21, 2007, 04:01:49 AM
Now, HERE is a guy with talent.




HAHA!!

 is this guy in our forum??

looks like he could be....
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on December 21, 2007, 04:11:34 AM
Quote
Now, HERE is a guy with talent.

Mom!  Shame on you for posting this pic of me on the internet without my permission!!!   ::sulk:: ::knockedout:: ::complaining: ::loony::


Hehe.  Just Kidding.

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: TheSoccerMom on December 21, 2007, 05:14:24 AM
Aww, Rooster...  I figured you wouldn't mind!    ::bow::
(Nice job, by the way!!!)   |:)\       

 ::drinking::    ::drinking::    ::drinking::    ::drinking::   ::drinking::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on December 21, 2007, 05:46:05 AM
My ole lady has been hounding me since the day after thanksgiving to get the damn Christmas lights up. I told her that there are important games to watch and important threads to read and she just wouldn't let up.

Well I finally gave up if for no other reason than to shut her up so I could get back to all my friends on CW. So what do y'all think of my work?

Now she'll probably be bugging me to take the sunsabitches back down in a week or two.

(http://i76.photobucket.com/albums/j35/helokat/funnies/5cb808fc.jpg)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Frank N. O. on December 21, 2007, 06:27:19 AM
According to what I heard then the Stella case was blown out of proportion by the media, and twisted. The way I heard it she wasn't driving, nor was the car moving at the time it happend, and she only wanted some thousand dollars not millions and millions. A female comic joked about that, she said: study for years and years or spill hot coffee in my crotch, hmmm. Actually, I don't think that money is any good with the severa burns I read she has, at least second degree burns on a massive part of her body, and from what I heard, such burn injuries aren't nice to have in daily life.

Ok, I'll return to catch up on posting later. It's 7:26, I woke up half an hour ago, had a morning walk and just say Chey had posted in the other forum, finally a sign of life from her after 6 weeks.

Frank
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Oddball on December 24, 2007, 09:03:26 PM
The airliner pushed back from the gate; the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, etc... Finally, she said, 'Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to your destination.'

Ed, sitting in the eighth row, thought to himself, 'Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman?'

When the attendant came by with the drink cart he said, 'Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?'

'Yes,' said the attendant, 'In fact, this entire crew is female.'

'My Goodness' said Ed, 'I'd better have two scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think with only women up there in the cockpit.'

'That's another thing sir,' said the attendant, 'We No Longer Call It The Cock Pit... It's The Box Office.'
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on December 25, 2007, 01:11:06 AM
According to what I heard then the Stella case was blown out of proportion by the media, and twisted. The way I heard it she wasn't driving, nor was the car moving at the time it happend, and she only wanted some thousand dollars not millions and millions. A female comic joked about that, she said: study for years and years or spill hot coffee in my crotch, hmmm. Actually, I don't think that money is any good with the severa burns I read she has, at least second degree burns on a massive part of her body, and from what I heard, such burn injuries aren't nice to have in daily life.

Ok, I'll return to catch up on posting later. It's 7:26, I woke up half an hour ago, had a morning walk and just say Chey had posted in the other forum, finally a sign of life from her after 6 weeks.

Frank

that may be. I have a friend who's a lawyer and she said the same thing.
I actually hope that the other cases in that post are blown out of proportion as well.
If not, I don't think I'll be able to count on these people to pay for my social security 30 years down the road . . .  ::banghead:: ::sick::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Baradium on December 25, 2007, 02:20:04 AM

that may be. I have a friend who's a lawyer and she said the same thing.
I actually hope that the other cases in that post are blown out of proportion as well.
If not, I don't think I'll be able to count on these people to pay for my social security 30 years down the road . . .  ::banghead:: ::sick::

Hey Mike, I guess you missed that snopes says all the other cases were made up...  ;)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on December 25, 2007, 04:12:12 AM

that may be. I have a friend who's a lawyer and she said the same thing.
I actually hope that the other cases in that post are blown out of proportion as well.
If not, I don't think I'll be able to count on these people to pay for my social security 30 years down the road . . .  ::banghead:: ::sick::

Hey Mike, I guess you missed that snopes says all the other cases were made up...  ;)

He did.  Mike, I still don't count on these people to pay my social security even 20 years from now.  Better start saving up on 401k dude.   ::whistle::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Baradium on December 25, 2007, 06:22:54 AM

that may be. I have a friend who's a lawyer and she said the same thing.
I actually hope that the other cases in that post are blown out of proportion as well.
If not, I don't think I'll be able to count on these people to pay for my social security 30 years down the road . . .  ::banghead:: ::sick::

Hey Mike, I guess you missed that snopes says all the other cases were made up...  ;)

He did.  Mike, I still don't count on these people to pay my social security even 20 years from now.  Better start saving up on 401k dude.   ::whistle::


What he said....  best not to have to rely on anyone else.  Especially these days.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Oddball on December 25, 2007, 06:03:24 PM


Great pilot sayings, take heed!!

"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death .. I Shall Fear No Evil.  For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing."
               - At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena, Japan
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3."
               - Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Blue water Navy truism:  There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky."
               - From an old carrier sailor
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?
If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, .... the pilot dies."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Never trade luck for skill."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are:
"Why is it doing that?"
"Where are we?"
and "Oh S...!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Progress in airline flying:  now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Airspeed, altitude and brains.  Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII:  "When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slow and gently as possible."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you."
               - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum."
               - Jon McBride, astronaut
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible."
               - Bob Hoover (renowned aerobatic and test pilot)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime."
               - Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Basic Flying Rules:  "Try to stay in the middle of the air.  Do not go near the edges of it.  The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space.  It is much more difficult to fly there."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks, "What happened?"
The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!"
 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on December 25, 2007, 07:11:21 PM

that may be. I have a friend who's a lawyer and she said the same thing.
I actually hope that the other cases in that post are blown out of proportion as well.
If not, I don't think I'll be able to count on these people to pay for my social security 30 years down the road . . .  ::banghead:: ::sick::

Hey Mike, I guess you missed that snopes says all the other cases were made up...  ;)

He did.  Mike, I still don't count on these people to pay my social security even 20 years from now.  Better start saving up on 401k dude.   ::whistle::


What he said....  best not to have to rely on anyone else.  Especially these days.

Ok, yeah I missed that part....

Well, maybe Chicken Wings will make me rich one day so I can retire....  ::) ::whistle::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Fabo on December 25, 2007, 07:34:22 PM
"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death .. I Shall Fear No Evil.  For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing."
               - At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena, Japan

Reminds me..

-Shanwick control, this is AFxxx... request FL600
-AFxxx, confirm 600?
-Affirm.
-Well... if you think you can, cleared for FL600..
-Roger, descend 800 to 600..
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on December 25, 2007, 09:37:23 PM
Quote
"A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication."

The first time this was sent to me, it ended "three in a row is provocation."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Oddball on December 25, 2007, 11:27:25 PM
was chuck pilot in command of this one?
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Baradium on December 25, 2007, 11:39:19 PM
was chuck pilot in command of this one?

If that's the story I'm thinking of, it had a weird computer malfunction.  It showed the gear as being down and locked but all it did was open the nose gear doors.   They got a secondary alarm in the flare and initiated a go around.  Since turbines take so long to spool up they drug the beacon off before they had the power in to climb.  They climbed around and were able to get the gear down with an emergency extension.   The investigators test swung the gear a few times without problems, and then the last time the nose gear doors opened and everything else stayed up with 3 green indicated.  That's why you see the nose gear doors open in that picture, was part of the malfunction (not that the gear was in transit).

It was a really weird problem and I do believe it resulted in some ADs for the type...
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: airtac on December 25, 2007, 11:44:28 PM
was chuck pilot in command of this one?

If that's the story I'm thinking of, it had a weird computer malfunction.  It showed the gear as being down and locked but all it did was open the nose gear doors.   They got a secondary alarm in the flare and initiated a go around.  Since turbines take so long to spool up they drug the beacon off before they had the power in to climb.  They climbed around and were able to get the gear down with an emergency extension.   The investigators test swung the gear a few times without problems, and then the last time the nose gear doors opened and everything else stayed up with 3 green indicated.  That's why you see the nose gear doors open in that picture, was part of the malfunction (not that the gear was in transit).

It was a really weird problem and I do believe it resulted in some ADs for the type...
The very fact that they were able to save it at that point shows a heads up crew---my hat is off to them---great job!! |:)\ |:)\
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Oddball on December 26, 2007, 12:23:20 AM
another chuck moment?
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on December 26, 2007, 01:15:17 AM
was chuck pilot in command of this one?

If that's the story I'm thinking of, it had a weird computer malfunction.  It showed the gear as being down and locked but all it did was open the nose gear doors.   They got a secondary alarm in the flare and initiated a go around.  Since turbines take so long to spool up they drug the beacon off before they had the power in to climb.  They climbed around and were able to get the gear down with an emergency extension.   The investigators test swung the gear a few times without problems, and then the last time the nose gear doors opened and everything else stayed up with 3 green indicated.  That's why you see the nose gear doors open in that picture, was part of the malfunction (not that the gear was in transit).

It was a really weird problem and I do believe it resulted in some ADs for the type...

Is this the source where the Embraer ERJ acquired its nickname, "WSCOD"?

WSCOD is an acronym for "Whistling $hit Can Of Death".   ::loony:: ::loony:: ::loony::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: BrianGMFS on December 26, 2007, 02:31:21 AM
Not to mention that the Midair in Brazil of the US registered Legacy and the GOL 737 may have been attributed to the fact that if the FO puts his feet on the foot rests below the panel, he may inadvertently turn off the Transponder/TCAS....


Also at my airport over the weekend, the other FBO had a tractor have a close encounter with an ERJ-145... ripped a 36 inch long gash in the skin below the right engine.... I don't want to see what that's' gonna cost to fix ::eek::


Brian
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: airtac on January 06, 2008, 05:40:28 PM
Two British traffic patrol officers from North  Berwick were involved in an unusual incident while checking for speeding motorists on the A1  Great North Road.   One of the officers used a hand-held radar device to check the speed of a vehicle approaching over the crest of a hill, and was surprised when the speed was recorded at over 300 mph. Their radar suddenly stopped working and the officers were not able to reset it.

Just then a deafening roar over the treetops revealed that the radar had in fact latched on to a NATO Tornado fighter jet which was engaged in a low flying exercise over the Border district, approaching from the North Sea .

Back at police headquarters the chief constable fired off a stiff complaint to the RAF Liaison office.

Back came the reply in true laconic RAF style:

"Thank you for your message, which allows us to complete the file on this incident. You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Tornado had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked onto, your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it.   Furthermore, an air-to-ground missile aboard the fully-armed aircraft had also automatically locked onto your equipment.

Fortunately the pilot flying the Tornado recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile systems alert status, and was able to override the automated defense system before the missile was launched and your hostile radar installation was destroyed.



Good Day..."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Oddball on January 07, 2008, 09:46:32 AM
 ::rofl:: aye i heard that one at college airtac they should of just lauchned AGM  ::rambo:: lol
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: PittsFlyer on January 07, 2008, 07:05:48 PM
Does anyone know if Chuck ever flew for Northwest  ::whistle::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: PittsFlyer on January 07, 2008, 07:10:14 PM
I heard rumor going around that Chuck even flew overseas for some time. Here is some evidence  ;D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on January 07, 2008, 07:50:07 PM
Quote
Does anyone know if Chuck ever flew for Northwest 

This airplane was actually owned by Pinnacle Airlines at the time.  Eventually, it was sold to Mesaba Airlines and I used to refuel it whenever it flew into my then-hometown in South Dakota.  Still is a funny picture.    ::bow::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Baradium on January 07, 2008, 11:18:25 PM
Quote
Does anyone know if Chuck ever flew for Northwest 

This airplane was actually owned by Pinnacle Airlines at the time.  Eventually, it was sold to Mesaba Airlines and I used to refuel it whenever it flew into my then-hometown in South Dakota.  Still is a funny picture.    ::bow::

And it was a tug accident instead of pilot error.  ;)

Parking brakes are good things to use...
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: undatc on January 09, 2008, 12:56:12 AM
you may of heard some of these before but what the hey:

Conversations between Air Pilots and Control Towers!!
>
>
>
>While taxiing at London Gatwick, the crew of a US Air flight departing
>for
>
>Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United
>767.
>
>An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew,
>screaming
>
>"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right
>onto
>
>Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there.
>
>I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between Cs and Ds,
>but
>
>get it right!"
>
>Continuing her tirade to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting
>
>hysterically: "God, you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to
>sort
>
>this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You
>can
>
>expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want
>you to
>
>go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You
>got
>
>that, US Air 2771?"
>
>"Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
>
>Naturally the ground control frequency went terribly silent after the
>
>verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to engage the irate ground
>
>controller in her current state. Tension in every cockpit at Gatwick was
>
>running high.
>
>Then an unknown pilot broke the silence and asked: "Wasn't I married to
>you
>
>once?"
>

This is very close to something that actually happened a few years ago.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cofPH1y9vuw

Or even this one:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SUnVlyyar4M
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: airtac on January 09, 2008, 04:26:23 PM
 
The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon
                                grove
                seemed way too qualified for the job.
         "Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual
                   experience in picking lemons?"
        "Well, as a matter if fact, yes!" she replied.? "I've
                     been divorced three times."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: airtac on January 09, 2008, 04:29:15 PM
  A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is
        unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's
           bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with
               anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy.
                   What do you think I should do?"
         "Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and
         calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's
                                bar?"
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: airtac on January 09, 2008, 04:30:37 PM
  John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully.
             "Give me one last request, dear," he said.
              "Of course, John," his wife said softly.
      "Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry
                                Bob."
              "But I thought you hated Bob," she said.
               With his last breath John said, "I do!"
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on January 09, 2008, 08:17:10 PM
Might be a repost but oh well.......

A Helicopter pilot walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No," he replies, "I just got this state-of-the-art watch, and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
The Helicopter pilot explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties...."
"The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"
The Helicopter pilot smirks, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Franz on January 10, 2008, 10:01:17 PM
I think we all knew, but now we have the proof, Strippers don't only go well with beer, but also let you live longer . . .
Scientific Study (http://strangeparty.com/gallery2/d/36376-2/Boobs.jpg)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: TheSoccerMom on January 10, 2008, 10:20:29 PM
Awww, but look at the RESULTS!!!   :(

What happens?!?  You end up with an AVERAGE GUY being around for FOUR OR FIVE MORE YEARS!!!    ::banghead::    ::banghead::    ::banghead::

 ::sulk::

Now.....  you figure out a way to keep the ABOVE-AVERAGE guys around a bit longer, THAT'LL be newsworthy.....    >:D

 ::rofl::              ::rofl::               ::rofl::             ::rofl::             ::rofl::            ::rofl::             ::rofl::             ::rofl::           ::rofl::              ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on January 10, 2008, 11:19:07 PM
Talking watches earlier.. I found the perfect male pilot watch--or Mom, I'm sure some of your Jump buddies could wear it--can we say EGO's..

http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/PENIS-JOKE-LEATHER-WRISTWATCH-WATCH_W0QQitemZ230174742321QQihZ013QQcategoryZ31387QQrdZ1QQssPageNameZWD1VQQcmdZViewItem?_trksid=p1638.m118
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: TheSoccerMom on January 11, 2008, 12:29:36 AM
You coulda WARNED me!!!   :D 

Jeez, I about choked on my drink here....   ::rofl::

This is HILARIOUS!!  I may order one right NOW...  some pilot buddies will be in town next week for a meeting....  I can see some REALLY GOOD uses for this...... 

Thanks!!   ::rofl::   ::rofl::   ::rofl::   ::rofl::   ::rofl::   ::rofl::   ::rofl::   ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on January 11, 2008, 02:38:35 AM
Mary, if you liked that you'll LOVE the ultimate cellphone!  The Sumsing Turbo 3000 cellphone.

http://www.flixxy.com/sumsing-turbo-3000-cellphone.html

Order yours today!   ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: airtac on January 11, 2008, 07:22:07 AM
Talking watches earlier.. I found the perfect male pilot watch--or Mom, I'm sure some of your Jump buddies could wear it--can we say EGO's..

http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/PENIS-JOKE-LEATHER-WRISTWATCH-WATCH_W0QQitemZ230174742321QQihZ013QQcategoryZ31387QQrdZ1QQssPageNameZWD1VQQcmdZViewItem?_trksid=p1638.m118
If you'll look closely under "description" it says "UNISEX"---Gee things have really changed ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Oddball on January 11, 2008, 08:04:48 AM
Mary, if you liked that you'll LOVE the ultimate cellphone!  The Sumsing Turbo 3000 cellphone.

http://www.flixxy.com/sumsing-turbo-3000-cellphone.html

Order yours today!   ::rofl::

HEY!!! i want one of those phones i wonder if my local ikea has them in stock   ::thinking::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: TheSoccerMom on January 12, 2008, 12:44:29 AM
My phone hasn't rung once today...  d'ya suppose it has something to do with me trying to do the dishes with it last night?   ::thinking::

ANYTHING to get out of dishes.....   ::rambo::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on January 12, 2008, 07:06:40 AM
I was ROFL at the Thermometer part!!!   ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: 

Mary, please tell us all that you didn't try THAT with your cellphone last night?   ::eek:: ::eek:: ::eek::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Oddball on January 12, 2008, 08:07:54 PM
i would try the tyre inflation trick but my phone does not have a sticky out aerial  ???
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: airtac on January 12, 2008, 08:35:27 PM
Just be sure to turn off silent mode (vibration) when you take your temp--it affects the reading! ::whistle::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: TheSoccerMom on January 13, 2008, 01:57:38 AM
Now, Airtaaaa-aaaa-aaaaa-aaac.......  HOW do you know that?!?!?   :o
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: airtac on January 13, 2008, 02:23:09 AM
Now, Airtaaaa-aaaa-aaaaa-aaac.......  HOW do you know that?!?!?   :o
DANG IT--I TOLD YOU TO QUIT CALLING WHEN I'M SICK.. ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on January 14, 2008, 06:27:42 PM
 A guy has just settle down to read his Sunday paper and enjoy a cup of tea when 'BANG!' his missus whacks him over the head with a frying pan!

"What the hell was that for?" he asks rubbing his aching nut.

"For this bit of paper here I found in your trouser pocket with 'Don't forget: Saturday, 4:30, Lovely Marie.' written on it!" she says, seething.

"Oh darling," he says, "Lovely Marie is a horse I backed last weekend - I got a tip on Tuesday and wrote that down so I wouldn't forget! It ran at 4:30 on the Saturday."

His wife is mortified at what she has done and apologises. For the rest of the week she can't do enough for him.

Next Sunday he is again settling to read his paper after a long stroll, when "BANG!" his wife whacks him over the head with the soup pot.

"What the hell was THAT for?" he yells.

She stood there glaring down at him.

"Your horse phoned!"
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: airtac on January 16, 2008, 09:36:40 PM
THE YEAR'S BEST [actual] HEADLINES OF 2007:

Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
[Imagine that!]


Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[No, really?]

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Now that's taking things a bit far!]

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
[Not if I wipe thoroughly!]


Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
[What a guy!]


Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so!]


Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[See if that works any better than a fair trial!]


War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]


If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
[You think? - wouldn't be those writers down in L.A. would it?]


Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
[Who would have thought!]

Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
[They may be on to something!]


Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?]


Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
[he probably IS the battery charge!]


New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
[Weren't they fat enough?!]


Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]


Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
[Taste like chicken?]


Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]


Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy, are they tall!]


And the winner is...

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead


Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Oddball on January 17, 2008, 08:33:59 AM
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?]  and whats wrong wi cable ties? as i always say if  you cant use cable ties the job aint worth doing lol just watch out for planes held together wi cable ties and you'll know i've been working on it  ::rofl:: ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Baradium on January 20, 2008, 09:25:31 PM
Reportedly taken from Craigslist:

Knock knock

Oh hi, how's it going? It's me! Every girl ever. I'm really looking forward to this date. I'm not nearly as attractive as you remember me being because when we met the bar was dark and you were drunk. Come on in.

Let's start off with the unavoidable tour of my incredibly typical post-college-girl apartment.

You'll notice that I went ahead and purchased everything that Ikea and Pier 1 have ever produced. There's my decorative birdcage over there even though I don't have a bird, and there's my gay wicker basket with bamboo poles in it. I don't know what the hell that's thing's all about, but I bought it.

Hey check it out, I have more candles in here than a Roman Catholic Church. Doesn't it smell like Hazelnut!? If I were to light all of my candles at once you could see my apartment from space! I ***ing love candles!

Come on into the living room.

Oh, I see you met my cat there. That's "Freddy Paws Jr." Why don't you pet him and act like you like cats even though you hate cats? There you go. Oh, he took a little swing at your eye there huh? Yeah, he'll do that. Hey, let's check out the kitchen.

Hey look at my refrigerator. There are pictures all over it! Look at all these pictures of me and my equally vacuous friends from college! We were so crazy! You can tell we're really good friends because our faces are all pressed up against each other like that.

And check it out, we're holding up alcoholic beverages to the camera in every single picture. That's to prove that we were partying. College was so fun! But of course I don't talk to any of these girls anymore because now they're all bitches.

Let's go back into the hallway!

Hey, before we leave I'm going to go in the bathroom for ten minutes for some mysterious reason. Why don't you sit awkwardly in my big, stupid, round papizan chair over there while you wait for me. It's like you're sitting in a hug! Be right back...

Sorry that took a half an hour, I don't know what the hell I was doing in there. Let's go!

Wow! Thanks for opening my car door for me! I'm totally going to blow that meaningless gesture out of proportion and delude myself into thinking that you're a really good guy because that's what I want to believe.

Well, here we are at the restaurant. No thanks waiter, I don't need to see a menu, just bring me some expensive things. Hey I know, while we wait, I'll tell you all about my unspeakably boring job. I hate my boss. He's a jerk! I might get another job. Maybe something in pharmaceutical sales.

Now let's talk about my family. I love my family. I want you to love my family. I want my family to love you. I want you to make love to my family! I want you to go golfing with my semi-retarded brother Travis. That would be so God damned cute!

Wow! I can't believe I ordered all this food! I have no intention of eating any of it. No thanks waiter, we don't need a box. Just throw it out.

Hey, I've got an idea, let's go to a bar and have an after dinner drink! It'll be great, it will be just like how we're drinking here, only it will be louder and we'll have to stand up. Come on!

See, isn't this better? Oh hey, what a coincidence. Look over there! It's a group of my friends that I knew was going to be here. Let's go over there so that they can judge you!

Hey, I have to go to the bathroom for a half an hour again for some reason. You can stay here and talk to my unbelievably hideous friend Christine! Christine's so ugly she scares kids! Talk to her! She has a job and a family that she wants to talk to you about too. Be right back.

I'm back! Sorry I was gone for three hours, there was a line. I want to go home now.

Well here we are at my door again. This was really fun for me and not you. You should pretend like we're going to do it again sometime! Maybe I'll see you at Target a few months from now and we can avoid eye contact because you never called me. Here, have this awkward goodnight kiss that's as empty as my soul. Good night!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: AirScorp on January 21, 2008, 12:29:29 PM
Yup! some things are the same wherever in the world you may be  ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: PiperGirl on January 21, 2008, 08:51:50 PM
THE YEAR'S BEST [actual] HEADLINES OF 2007:

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so!]

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[See if that works any better than a fair trial!]

War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?]


Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy, are they tall!]

And the winner is...

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

I love these! I started laughing so much!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: airtac on January 23, 2008, 04:20:29 PM
Sign over the toilet at Richfield UT (KRIF); :D

PILOTS WITH SHORT STACKS OR
LOW MANIFOLD PRESSURE MUST
TAXI CLOSER BEFORE USE........

HELICOPTER PILOTS MUST SIT !

(Hey!  Don't get mad at me--I'm just quoting!) ::)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on January 23, 2008, 04:49:32 PM
I've seen that one at an FBO at Yuma.   :o

My personal favorite was the one in Gwinner ND.  It said, "Aim as if you are shooting an ILS approach to minimums with 10 minutes fuel on board."  ::eek:: ;D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: airtac on January 23, 2008, 04:55:18 PM
How about;

"When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did---not screaming like the passengers in his airplane!"
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: airtac on January 23, 2008, 05:53:15 PM
OR;

"At this stage of life, food has replaced sex, now I can't even get into my own pants!"
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: TheSoccerMom on January 24, 2008, 02:35:56 AM
Holeee Cow, I am not touching THAT line......    ::)    ::eek::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on January 24, 2008, 04:49:14 AM
Sign over the toilet at Richfield UT (KRIF); :D

PILOTS WITH SHORT STACKS OR
LOW MANIFOLD PRESSURE MUST
TAXI CLOSER BEFORE USE........

HELICOPTER PILOTS MUST SIT !

(Hey!  Don't get mad at me--I'm just quoting!) ::)


So, Daddy airtac---were you the airtac out of RIF in 2006?---I flew Layla, and then LaFawnduh there during the last month & half of fire season...
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Oddball on January 24, 2008, 07:58:45 AM
ok who or what is I Layla, and  LaFawnduh ? ::thinking::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: AirScorp on January 24, 2008, 10:13:15 AM
Oh! They are G-man beauties!

May I introduce you:

http://www.chickenwingscomics.com/forum/index.php?topic=731.0 (http://www.chickenwingscomics.com/forum/index.php?topic=731.0)
http://www.chickenwingscomics.com/forum/index.php?topic=889.0 (http://www.chickenwingscomics.com/forum/index.php?topic=889.0)
http://www.chickenwingscomics.com/forum/index.php?topic=1142.0 (http://www.chickenwingscomics.com/forum/index.php?topic=1142.0)

Have a nice read!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: airtac on January 24, 2008, 02:50:58 PM
Sign over the toilet at Richfield UT (KRIF); :D

PILOTS WITH SHORT STACKS OR
LOW MANIFOLD PRESSURE MUST
TAXI CLOSER BEFORE USE........

HELICOPTER PILOTS MUST SIT !

(Hey!  Don't get mad at me--I'm just quoting!) ::)


So, Daddy airtac---were you the airtac out of RIF in 2006?---I flew Layla, and then LaFawnduh there during the last month & half of fire season...

I was there in 2003 when the medium based there was out of a company from Grand Canyon.  Did you meet the locals?   Nice bunch of folks, when I stopped by last week they threw a party and wouldn't hear of me staying in a motel--had a fun time! ::drinking::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: TheSoccerMom on January 25, 2008, 04:05:51 AM
They ARE nice there...  we made just a couple of stops there last summer, but it was nice as always. 

You should tell us about your wild scud-running across the Rockies.....   :o
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: airtac on January 25, 2008, 09:43:37 AM
They ARE nice there...  we made just a couple of stops there last summer, but it was nice as always. 

You should tell us about your wild scud-running across the Rockies.....   :o
The Rockies------Well there I was......Dark moonless night, 13,000 feet, flat on my back, out of airspeed, altitude, and ideas when suddenly a Nor'easter sprang up from the Southwest thrusting me ever higher into the freezing maelstrom from hell, ice covering the entire airplane until at last, just before I lost conciousness, we plummeted down, down, ever downward into the black abyss, our speed increasing until the only thing you could hear was the shriek of wind in the flying wires as we passed the airframe's limitations, the turbulence so bad that it was knocking the ice from the airframe, yet somehow at this dangerous juncture, through superior skills and steely nerves that surely were God-given, I managed to wrest control of the wild beast back from nature's savage influence, yes, back from the very jaws of death we came, sweating and screaming, crying out thanks to Almighty God for our deliverance from certain destruction----grateful for a pardon from the disastrous fate that only mere moments before had seemed our doom.  ::sweat::
 We then entered the pattern at RIF, landed and went out for a drink.  ::whistle:: ::drinking::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on January 25, 2008, 03:03:09 PM
They ARE nice there...  we made just a couple of stops there last summer, but it was nice as always. 

You should tell us about your wild scud-running across the Rockies.....   :o
The Rockies------Well there I was......Dark moonless night, 13,000 feet, flat on my back, out of airspeed, altitude, and ideas when suddenly a Nor'easter sprang up from the Southwest thrusting me ever higher into the freezing maelstrom from hell, ice covering the entire airplane until at last, just before I lost conciousness, we plummeted down, down, ever downward into the black abyss, our speed increasing until the only thing you could hear was the shriek of wind in the flying wires as we passed the airframe's limitations, the turbulence so bad that it was knocking the ice from the airframe, yet somehow at this dangerous juncture, through superior skills and steely nerves that surely were God-given, I managed to wrest control of the wild beast back from nature's savage influence, yes, back from the very jaws of death we came, sweating and screaming, crying out thanks to Almighty God for our deliverance from certain destruction----grateful for a pardon from the disastrous fate that only mere moments before had seemed our doom.  ::sweat::
 We then entered the pattern at RIF, landed and went out for a drink.  ::whistle:: ::drinking::

Jim, as my late Grandmother once said to me, so will I say to you;  You are a Class A-1 Bull$hit artist!   >:D |:)\ ::bow::

About all that was missing from this yarn was the Me109 on yer tail!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: TheSoccerMom on January 25, 2008, 04:34:35 PM
The Rockies------Well there I was......Dark moonless night, 13,000 feet, flat on my back, out of airspeed, altitude, and ideas when suddenly a Nor'easter sprang up from the Southwest thrusting me ever higher into the freezing maelstrom from hell, ice covering the entire airplane until at last, just before I lost conciousness, we plummeted down, down, ever downward into the black abyss, our speed increasing until the only thing you could hear was the shriek of wind in the flying wires as we passed the airframe's limitations, the turbulence so bad that it was knocking the ice from the airframe, yet somehow at this dangerous juncture, through superior skills and steely nerves that surely were God-given, I managed to wrest control of the wild beast back from nature's savage influence, yes, back from the very jaws of death we came, sweating and screaming, crying out thanks to Almighty God for our deliverance from certain destruction----grateful for a pardon from the disastrous fate that only mere moments before had seemed our doom.  ::sweat::
 We then entered the pattern at RIF, landed and went out for a drink.  ::whistle:: ::drinking::


And then............   he fell off the couch and woke up!!    ::bow::    ::bow::     ::bow::     ::bow::

(Man, you are GOOD.....  you don't even NEED 'the Watch'.)   :D   :D   :D   :D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: airtac on January 25, 2008, 05:00:45 PM
Darn watch is in for repairs so I have to carry a brick in my hand just to keep in shape till it gets back ;)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on January 26, 2008, 01:46:29 AM
Sign over the toilet at Richfield UT (KRIF); :D

PILOTS WITH SHORT STACKS OR
LOW MANIFOLD PRESSURE MUST
TAXI CLOSER BEFORE USE........

HELICOPTER PILOTS MUST SIT !

(Hey!  Don't get mad at me--I'm just quoting!) ::)


So, Daddy airtac---were you the airtac out of RIF in 2006?---I flew Layla, and then LaFawnduh there during the last month & half of fire season...

I was there in 2003 when the medium based there was out of a company from Grand Canyon.  Did you meet the locals?   Nice bunch of folks, when I stopped by last week they threw a party and wouldn't hear of me staying in a motel--had a fun time! ::drinking::

Hmmmm..... I wonder if that little note in the bathroom was written in 2003 . . . .  ::thinking::

seems like somebody is mad about what G-Man posted a couple of days ago about the men you woman will run off with who are ten times better than you'll ever be . . .  or how did that go again?!  ::whistle:: ;)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on January 28, 2008, 03:50:38 AM
Five Levels of Hangovers

One Star Hangover (*)

No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function
relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 5
cokes and still feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a
steak & fries.


Two Star Hangover (**)

No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but
you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are
chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still
tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House
excursion. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your
bowels.


Three Star Hangover (***)

Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not
productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume
reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends
dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a
gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke--yet you haven't peed
once.


Four Star Hangover (****)

Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or
else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being
late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice
clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side
of your face. For the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on
while riding the bumper cars. Your eyes look like one big red vein,
and even your hair hurts. Your a$$ is in perpetual spasm, and
the first of about five $hits you take during the day brings water
to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom.

Five Star Hangover (*****)

You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate spit so your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this morning. Any attempt to take a dump results in a fire hose like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare 'Floater' thrown in. The sole purpose of this 'Floater' seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your a$$. Death sounds pretty good about right now...
*****

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Indubitably; Innovative; Preliminary; Proliferation; Cinnamon
*****

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Specificity; British Constitution; Passive-aggressive disorder;
Loquacious; Transubstantiate
*****


THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK :

1.) Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2.) Nope, no more booze for me.
3.) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4.) Good evening officer isn't it lovely out tonight.
5.) Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.
6.) Sorry I'm being such a jacka$$.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: gibbo_335 on January 28, 2008, 10:51:41 PM
"Hello?"

"Hi honey this is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"
 
"No Daddy. She is upstairs with Uncle Paul."

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle
Paul."

"Oh yes I do and he is upstairs with Mommy, right now."

Brief pause.
 
"Uh okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the
table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that
Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."
 
"Okay Daddy, just a minute."
 
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it
Daddy."
 
"And what happened honey?" he asked.
 
"Well Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran
around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the
dresser
and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my god!!! What about Uncle Paul?"
 
"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on, too. He was scared and jumped
out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know
that you took the water out last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the
pool and I think he is dead."

****Long pause*****

 
****Longer pause****
 
 
*****Even longer pause*****

Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? Is this 486-5731?"

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Baradium on January 29, 2008, 12:22:36 AM
Too much gib! 

 ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: airtac on January 29, 2008, 12:37:52 AM
HAHA---Gib, I'm still giggling-----That was good.......... ::rofl:: ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on January 29, 2008, 02:10:48 AM
OUCH!!!  ::rofl::

Imagine?!?!  ::thinking::

Nice one Gib!!
Made my evening!  ::bow:: ::wave:: ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: TheSoccerMom on January 29, 2008, 02:38:39 AM
Whee hee, Gibbo!!   ::wave::

 :D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: TheSoccerMom on January 29, 2008, 07:08:03 AM
Okay, I was asked this question today, and didn't know what he meant.  Maybe you will....... 

"What do you get when you have 32 helicopter pilots in the same room at HAI?"

 :D      :D      :D      :D

Answer:  "A full set of teeth!"                ::rofl::            ::rofl::              ::rofl::

Uh oh, I am gonna get it this time....!    ::eek::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: gibbo_335 on January 29, 2008, 09:04:58 AM
 ;D ;D HEE HEE glad i could help with some comic relief. It had my spilling coffee everywhere when I read it!  Oh well it WAS a work keyboard.  ::unbelieveable::

Hey mom we had some removalists with that many teeth  :D actually I think they all shared a tooth at lunch time  ::rofl::

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: airtac on January 29, 2008, 03:25:26 PM
Hey Gibbo..........What's a "removalist" ??? ??? ???
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Fabo on January 29, 2008, 05:07:19 PM
Some strange Australian animal? Kind of kangaroo, or koala, I dont know :)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Oddball on January 29, 2008, 08:55:53 PM
or could be some one who plays a strange aboriginee (forgive spelung) musical instrument  ::thinking::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: airtac on January 29, 2008, 11:27:53 PM
Some strange Australian animal? Kind of kangaroo, or koala, I dont know :)
Don't confuse the issue here --- I'm trying to catch him in his "sober window" - that magic 20 minutes out of 24 hours when he's coherent ::wave::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: gibbo_335 on January 29, 2008, 11:36:51 PM
Hey Gibbo..........What's a "removalist" ??? ??? ???

Sorry, should explain, we hired an Office Removal company to move the office where I work. The "removalists" didn;t have alot of teeth, so i though it fitted with Mom's joke.  ::) Maybe it didn't.

AND A 20 MIN "sober window" crikey mate thats a long time to be sober  ;D ;D  ::drinking:: *hic*  ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: TheSoccerMom on January 30, 2008, 04:19:25 AM
Hey Gibbo!!   ::wave::

I was going to ask you, too, what a "removalist" was....  I thought maybe it had to do with a guy who went around and pried the jars of Vegemite out of Aussies' hands when they died, or something!    ::rofl::

I LIKE it....  I mean, that the removalists had few teeth....  and yeah, it went with the joke perfectly!   ;)

There was a good friend back home, who had company come and visit once from the big city.  The visitor was a tall, urbane, rather handsome man, and when they went for a walk in the little village where I am from, they ran into one of the locals.  I mean, LOCALS.

My friend was polite and introduced the visitor to the local yokel, and the guy stared at the stranger in awe and said:

"NICE TEETH!"

 No kidding!   My friend was so mortified, yet he was also laughing his butt off.  It became one of our favorite Hometown Stories.   ;D   ;)

 :D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: TheSoccerMom on January 30, 2008, 04:34:13 AM
AND A 20 MIN "sober window" crikey mate thats a long time to be sober  ;D ;D  ::drinking:: *hic*  ::rofl::

Aw now Gibbo, isn't that about right?  Just enough time to get the new Crownies out of the ute?!?  And lug them in the house?!?  And throw some in the fridge?!?  And pop a new one?!?     ;)   :D   ;D   ::drinking::

 ::drinking::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: airtac on January 30, 2008, 05:24:12 AM
Mom, you make it sound like Aussies are a bunch of wild-ass beer swilling rebels :P

Isn't that just an urban type legend ::)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: TheSoccerMom on January 30, 2008, 05:36:39 AM
Yeah, yeah, I guess it IS just an urban legend.....  pretty crazy in town....

But the rural Aussies I met were just as legendary!!!!      ::drinking::      We partied ALL the time.....    ::sweat::

Wasn't sure I was gonna survive....  they are GOOD.    :D     

 ::drinking::           ::drinking::           ::drinking::            ::drinking::         ::drinking::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on January 30, 2008, 07:15:21 AM
the little village where I am from,

Yep --- went there once---Heard that is where they invented the "toothbrush"

Any where else in the world and they could have called it a "TEETHbrush"...  ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: airtac on January 30, 2008, 01:59:40 PM
the little village where I am from,

Yep --- went there once---Heard that is where they invented the "toothbrush"

Any where else in the world and they could have called it a "TEETHbrush"...  ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl::

Gordy--you and I are gonna be in deep dodo if we don't start watching our mouths around Soccermomsy---yesterday I made a remark about French-Canadians and eyebrows and I got the distinct feeling I was being placed on "the list"!   ::eek::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Oddball on January 30, 2008, 02:04:54 PM
OHHHHHHHHHHHH Airtac is a marked man now keep away lol
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: airtac on January 30, 2008, 02:28:02 PM
OHHHHHHHHHHHH Airtac is a marked man now keep away lol
Until you find out how good her aim is, it would be prudent to keep at least 5 meters distance from me ::sweat:: ::rambo:: ::rambo::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Oddball on January 30, 2008, 02:58:40 PM
Whats the duck and cover drill again  ::thinking::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Turbomallard on January 30, 2008, 04:02:27 PM
Whats the duck and cover drill again  ::thinking::

"What do we do when we see Soccer Mom going after Airtac? Duck and cover!"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C0K_LZDXp0I

TM
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: airtac on January 30, 2008, 04:57:57 PM
Well now, see, in the rural area where I grew (SAC bases hearby) we adopted a more pragmatic approach, rather than "duck and cover" we figured it would be more practical to just bend over and kiss our butt goodby! ::knockedout::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: gibbo_335 on January 30, 2008, 07:50:38 PM
AND A 20 MIN "sober window" crikey mate thats a long time to be sober  ;D ;D  ::drinking:: *hic*  ::rofl::

Aw now Gibbo, isn't that about right?  Just enough time to get the new Crownies out of the ute?!?  And lug them in the house?!?  And throw some in the fridge?!?  And pop a new one?!?     ;)   :D   ;D   ::drinking::

 ::drinking::

 ::rofl:: Aww Mom, see this is what happens after a small trip over here  ::thinking::, you know all of our secrets  ;D  ::sulk:: not that we have a lot of them ;)

Mom, you make it sound like Aussies are a bunch of wild-ass beer swilling rebels :P

Isn't that just an urban type legend ::)

 ;D ;D ;D *hic   Oh, Airtac, we resemble that remark  :D ::drinking:: ::drinking:: ::whistle::  >:D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Turbomallard on January 30, 2008, 10:52:51 PM
Well now, see, in the rural area where I grew (SAC bases hearby) we adopted a more pragmatic approach, rather than "duck and cover" we figured it would be more practical to just bend over and kiss our butt goodby! ::knockedout::

Yeah, well if you were lucky a Nike Hercules would have taken out the enemy bomber formations... and then all you would have to do is survive the radiation resulting from the Nike's 20-40KT warheads detonated in the area!

TM
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: PiperGirl on January 31, 2008, 02:59:28 PM
Gotta love South Carolina.

Last November the /New Orleans Times Picayune/ reported that a Cajun amateur archaeologist having dug to a depth of 10 meters found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years.... and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Cajuns, in the weeks that followed, Texas scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters. Shortly after, headlines in the/Dallas Morning News/ read: ' Texas archaeologists have found traces of 200-year old copper wire, and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network one hundred years earlier than the Cajuns.

One week later, /The Sun News, Myrtle Beach/ reported the following: 'After digging as deep as 30 meters in fields near Conway, SC, Bubba Williams (who also invented the TOOTHbrush), a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago in South Carolina they were already using wireless.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Oddball on February 01, 2008, 05:31:32 PM
hey whats wrong wi playing the pipes?  ::sulk::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on February 02, 2008, 12:30:34 AM
hey whats wrong wi playing the pipes?  ::sulk::

How do I put it nicely...... ::whistle:: ::whistle:: :P :P :P
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on February 02, 2008, 12:34:32 AM
Dear Walter :
 
I  hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor lady. I am 32, my husband is 34 , and we have been married for twelve years.When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago, and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counselling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.
 
Can you please help?
 
Sincerely,
 
Sheila
 
 
Dear Sheila:
 
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.
 
I hope this helps -
 
Walter
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: AirScorp on February 02, 2008, 01:28:17 AM
hey whats wrong wi playing the pipes?  ::sulk::

Nothing's wrong with the pipes! In fact, they rock! Matter of perspective I think  ::sulk::

Now, to how that littl'o duck was going to play the pipes, I'd rather not be near while he's learning!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: airtac on February 02, 2008, 01:53:35 AM
hey whats wrong wi playing the pipes?  ::sulk::

How do I put it nicely...... ::whistle:: ::whistle:: :P :P :P

GEEZ Gilly--don't be hard on the Scottish delegate  ::knockedout::  He's liable to grab that bloody big sword they're always  carrying and go hunting for a Roo ::rambo::

Any guy that can leave Junior and the twins dangling out in the breeze whilst trotting around the highlands in cold weather MUST be tough !! |:)\

Here in Sonoma County we have the Scottish games every year, they toss around a big thingy they call a caber, throw big ass boulders, play bagpipes, and pour Scoth whiskey like it's water on a fire ::eek:: it attracts about 50,000 people who eat stuff like Haggis (a cows stomach stuffed with green crap ::sick::) and dance their butts off to wild music...Quite a party and the pipes attract the biggest following.
Matter of fact, if any of you muttonheads live long enough to attend my memorial--I've requested "Amazing Grace" to be played on the bagpipes |:)\
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: BrianGMFS on February 02, 2008, 02:34:43 AM
Quote
I've requested "Amazing Grace" to be played on the bagpipes

Got that right.... I attended the Memorial service for the 6 firefighters who were killed in Worcester Massachusetts in 1999. When the pipes started with Amazing Grace, there wasn't a dry eye in the house, Me included.... About 20,000 firefighters inside the Worcester Centrum and about another 20,000 outside... I was in about the last 100 or so who got inside, I was sitting next to a guy from the Honolulu Fire Dept. Even ole Slick Willie (Bill Clinton) and Al Gore had the tissues out.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Worcester_Cold_Storage_Warehouse_fire

Brian
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: airtac on February 02, 2008, 03:13:21 AM
Quote
I've requested "Amazing Grace" to be played on the bagpipes

Got that right.... I attended the Memorial service for the 6 firefighters who were killed in Worcester Massachusetts in 1999. When the pipes started with Amazing Grace, there wasn't a dry eye in the house, Me included.... About 20,000 firefighters inside the Worcester Centrum and about another 20,000 outside... I was in about the last 100 or so who got inside, I was sitting next to a guy from the Honolulu Fire Dept. Even ole Slick Willie (Bill Clinton) and Al Gore had the tissues out.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Worcester_Cold_Storage_Warehouse_fire

Brian
Slick Willie does'nt count---he gets dewey-eyed whenever he tastes a cigar!   ;) ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Oddball on February 02, 2008, 08:18:05 AM
i was at my grandads funeral last summer  down in england wearing my kilt and it was when the lone piper played flowers of the forest that what got me going (there are pics of me and him on here)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Oddball on February 02, 2008, 10:30:30 PM
Don look for LTYC:escort to the colour im the young one in the kilt
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on February 02, 2008, 11:34:24 PM
Dear Walter :
 
I  hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor lady. I am 32, my husband is 34 , and we have been married for twelve years.When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago, and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counselling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.
 
Can you please help?
 
Sincerely,
 
Sheila
 
 
Dear Sheila:
 
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.
 
I hope this helps -
 
Walter

Oh Gilly!

Bagpipes are fun, but you made my day. Almost spit out my drink!
 ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl::
Thanks!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on February 03, 2008, 12:29:39 AM
Dear Walter :
 
I  hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor lady. I am 32, my husband is 34 , and we have been married for twelve years.When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago, and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counselling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.
 
Can you please help?
 
Sincerely,
 
Sheila
 
 
Dear Sheila:
 
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.
 
I hope this helps -
 
Walter

Oh Gilly!

Bagpipes are fun, but you made my day. Almost spit out my drink!
 ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl::
Thanks!

I'm glad someone noticed this one. I was beginning to wonder if everyone skipped it. And yes I like the bagpipes as well. I just had to be crazy. The Airforce Song I posted before, was partly pipes. I've heard a good version of "the Maple Leaf Forever" played on them.  |:)\ |:)\
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: PiperGirl on February 04, 2008, 07:49:49 PM
Very Light Jets
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on February 06, 2008, 09:33:44 PM
How the fight started...


Officer, this is how the fight started...
I rear-ended the car in front of me. I admit that. It was my fault.

So, we both pull over to the side of the road, and slowly the driver of the car I hit gets out of his
car. . . and you know how you just-get-sooo-stressed... and life... sometimes life
seems like... suddenly funny?

Well, the driver of the car I hit is a DWARF! He gets out of his car and I get out of my car.

He is frowning and scowling and he storms over to me. Right up close at me he looks up in my face and says, "I AM NOT HAPPY!"
And I don't know what possessed me, officer, but I look down at him and I said, "Well, if you're not Happy -- which one are you?"

.. . . and that's when the fight started...


 ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: PiperGirl on February 07, 2008, 04:29:23 AM
 ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: Nice Rc!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on February 08, 2008, 09:51:27 PM
UPS MAN


One Monday morning the UPS man is driving the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.
 
'Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last
night,' the UPS man comments.
 
Bob, in obvious pain, replies 'Actually we had it Saturday
night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild.'
 
'Hell, we all got so drunk around midnight that we started
playing WHO AM I.'
 
The UPS man thinks a moment and says, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'
 
'Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and with only our 'privates' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.'
 
The UPS man laughs and says, 'Damn, I'm sorry I missed that.'
 
'Probably a good thing you did,' Bob responded. 'Your name came up seven times.......'
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: airtac on February 11, 2008, 02:34:55 AM
AND FOR MY CANUCK BROTHERS; ;D

Bless Her Little Newfie Heart

  Little Melissa comes from Chance Cove Newfoundland and attends third grade. After school she tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.

  "Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint, I was wondering if I gave a Valentine to someone who was not, will God get mad at me for giving them a valentine?"

 Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a Valentine to?"

 "Osama Bin Laden," she says.

 "Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in shock.
 "Well," she says, "I thought that if a little Newfoundland Christian Girl could have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit."And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell
everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

 Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new-found pride.  "Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

 "I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, our Canadian Soldiers can shoot the bastard"

 

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on February 11, 2008, 03:10:30 AM
A Fascinating Recent UCLA Study (The Girls Will Like This One)

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive, on a man, can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For example: If she is ovulating, she tends to be more attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.

However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire.

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on February 13, 2008, 05:15:53 AM
A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.
His buddy asks, "How will I recognize him?"
"That's easy; he's a midget with a speech impediment."

So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.
"A female horth."

So he shows him a prized filly.

"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"?
So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"?
So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

"Nith earzth, can I see her mouf"?
The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

"Nice mouf, can I thee her twat"?
Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.

"Perhapth I thould rephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit"?
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on February 13, 2008, 06:44:44 AM
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. 
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig  )

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home. What the..?!

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)
   
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm......)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
( If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
( I know some people like that

Starfish have no brains)
(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: AirScorp on February 13, 2008, 12:52:09 PM
Yay!!!! The 30 minute pig orgasm joke! Thanks G, had never actually read it
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on February 13, 2008, 02:17:00 PM
<<<Left Handed.  Does this mean I should become a switch-hitter?   ::silly::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: airtac on February 13, 2008, 03:27:49 PM
<<<Left Handed.  Does this mean I should become a switch-hitter?   ::silly::

Not in the San Francisco sense of the phrase ::sick:: ---(rather be a pig!)  ::bow::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Oddball on February 14, 2008, 08:35:57 AM
so what happens if a mad scientist mated a pig and a lion with each other?  ::thinking::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on February 14, 2008, 02:51:20 PM
so what happens if a mad scientist mated a pig and a lion with each other?  ::thinking::

You'd get a left-handed porker that goes "Meow"?   ::thinking::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: airtac on February 14, 2008, 04:47:34 PM
so what happens if a mad scientist mated a pig and a lion with each other?  ::thinking::

Wouldn't work--can't have 50 thirty minute orgasms in a day---not enough hours---ask any post pubescent boy with carpel tunnel syndrome ::knockedout::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on February 14, 2008, 06:40:54 PM

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. 
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)


It would be kind of a nice thing to see the research they did and how they found this one out!  ::rofl:: ;D



(WAIT! maybe not in our forum though . . . . on second thought)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: tundra_flier on February 15, 2008, 04:13:28 AM
So how come the women that call me a Pig never want to have sex??  ???   ::knockedout::

Phil  ;D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: airtac on February 15, 2008, 04:53:08 AM
Can't answer that question Phil but it's good to see yer around--we've missed you and the Tundra Toy.............. ::wave::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: TheSoccerMom on February 15, 2008, 06:16:06 AM
Oink, oink, oink...........    :D

 ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: airtac on February 15, 2008, 07:24:57 AM

AHHH--Now I see!   Porky Pig and Bugs Bunny costumes in the closet, and I thought they were for Holloween------Ya know, I CAN do a pretty good Elmer Fudd myself ;)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on February 15, 2008, 08:25:23 PM
Since I have a three year old daughter, I can relate to this one...
 
 
 
A 3 YEAR OLD

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me and my brother who
is four years older than I am. I was maybe 3 and a half years old and had
just recovered from an accident in which my arm had been broken among other
injuries.

Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one
of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening
news and my brother was playing nearby in the living room when I brought
Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of
tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made
her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it
was 'just the cutest thing!!'

My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea
for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then she says to him, 'Did it
ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is
the toilet??'

 ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: tundra_flier on February 15, 2008, 11:49:32 PM
Can't answer that question Phil but it's good to see yer around--we've missed you and the Tundra Toy.............. ::wave::

Not to beat a dead horse...but they never said if that was the male pig or the female.  ::thinking::

Phil
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: airtac on February 16, 2008, 03:47:36 AM
Can't answer that question Phil but it's good to see yer around--we've missed you and the Tundra Toy.............. ::wave::

Not to beat a dead horse...but they never said if that was the male pig or the female.  ::thinking::

Phil
That's easy, just ask any woman and they'll tell you "MEN are such pigs".................I rest my case 8)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: AirScorp on February 16, 2008, 06:51:06 PM
They don't have a manual but they sure have a Hazmat data sheet!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on February 16, 2008, 06:58:55 PM
Oh man, Nick!  That is perfect!  LMAO!!!   ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: TheSoccerMom on February 16, 2008, 08:57:31 PM
Ahhh....   obviously written by one of those squealing pi OOPS, I meant, MEN.....   :D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on February 18, 2008, 05:03:43 AM
The Blonde and the Bodybuilder


The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says,

"What a Great Chest you have!"







He tells her, "That's 100 lbs. Of dynamite, Baby."




He takes off his pants and the blonde says, "What massive Calves you have!"






The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. Of dynamite, baby."






He then removes his underwear, and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear.





The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her.

He catches up to her and asks why she ran

Out of the apartment like that.






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The blonde replies, : I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: airtac on February 18, 2008, 07:09:33 AM

GROAN...................................................................................
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Oddball on February 18, 2008, 11:41:26 AM
thats almost as bad as some of my dads jokes and they are BAAAAAAAAAAAAADDDDDDDDDDD
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on February 19, 2008, 12:50:27 AM

Our troops in Afghanistan prove they've retained their sense of humor with the following:

"YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF..."

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

3. You have more wives than teeth.

4. You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon "unclean."

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your
clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

9. You've often uttered the phrase, "I love what you've done with your cave."

10. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.

11. You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not.

12. You've ever had a crush on your neighbor's goat.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: tundra_flier on February 21, 2008, 06:58:23 PM
Subject: Rules of the West! 

  Rules of Idaho,Montana,Wyoming, South and North Dakota  and the Wild West are as follows:

  1.  Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.

  2. Turn your cap right, your head ain't crooked.

  3. Let's get this straight: it's called a "gravel road." I drive a pickup
truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're gonna get dust
on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.

  4. They are cattle. That's why they smell to you. They smell like money
to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-90 goes east and west, highway 95 goes
north and south. Pick one.

  5. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $250,000 combines
that are driven only 3 weeks a year.

  6. Every person in the Wild West waves. It's called being friendly. Try
to understand the concept.

 7.  If that cell phone rings while a bunch of geese/pheasants/ducks/doves
are comin' in during the hunts, we WILL shoot it outa your hand. You better
hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

  8. Yeah. We eat trout, salmon, deer and elk. You really want sushi and
caviar you can get them at the bait store on the corner.

  9. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious
holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.

  10. We open doors for women. That's applied to all women, regardless of
age.

  11. No, there's no "vegetarian special" on the menu. Order steak, or you
can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey.

 12.  When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats,
vegetables, and breads We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup! Oh,
yeah.... We don't care what you folks in Cincinnaticall think, that stuff you
eat... IT AIN'T REAL CHILI!!

 13. You bring "Coke" into my house, it better be brown, wet and served
over ice. You bring "Mary Jane" into my house, she better be cute, know how
to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.

 14. College and High School Football is as important here as the Lakers
and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.

 15. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards -- it
spooks the fish.

 16. Colleges? We have them all over. We have State Universities,
Universities, and Vo-techs. They come outta there with an education plus a
love for God and country, and they still wave at everybody when they come
home for the holidays.

 17. We have more folks in the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines than all
of you put together, so don't mess with us. If you do, you'll get whipped by
the best.

 18. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump crap ain't
music, anyway. We don't want to hear it anymore than we want to see your
boxers! Refer back to #1!

 A true Westerner will send this to at least 10 others!!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: airtac on February 21, 2008, 07:16:00 PM
Good one Tundra,
#14 is really on the mark here--High School football is like a religion in Geyserville |:)\
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: gibbo_335 on February 21, 2008, 09:38:58 PM
Not EXACTLY ENTIRELY true, but, ummmm, yep i can releate to some of these..... ::drinking::

ONLY AUSSIES.
 
Being Australian is about driving in a French car to an Irish pub for A Belgian beer, then on the way home, grabbing an Indian curry or A Turkish kebab, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV.

Oh and...... Only in Australia ... Can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in Australia ... Do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in Australia ... Do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a DIET coke.

Only in Australia ... Do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.

Only in Australia ... Do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.

NOT TO MENTION...

3 Aussies die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.

58 Aussies are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.

31 Aussies have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.

8 Aussies had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.

A massive 543 Aussies were admitted to Emergency in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.  ::drinking:: ::drinking::

And finally.........

In 2000, 8 Aussies cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the toilet.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Fabo on February 21, 2008, 10:21:31 PM
Subject: Rules of the West! 

  Rules of Idaho,Montana,Wyoming, South and North Dakota  and the Wild West are as follows:

  1.  Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.

  2. Turn your cap right, your head ain't crooked.

  3. Let's get this straight: it's called a "gravel road." I drive a pickup
truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're gonna get dust
on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.

  4. They are cattle. That's why they smell to you. They smell like money
to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-90 goes east and west, highway 95 goes
north and south. Pick one.

  5. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $250,000 combines
that are driven only 3 weeks a year.

  6. Every person in the Wild West waves. It's called being friendly. Try
to understand the concept.

 7.  If that cell phone rings while a bunch of geese/pheasants/ducks/doves
are comin' in during the hunts, we WILL shoot it outa your hand. You better
hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

  8. Yeah. We eat trout, salmon, deer and elk. You really want sushi and
caviar you can get them at the bait store on the corner.

  9. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious
holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.

  10. We open doors for women. That's applied to all women, regardless of
age.

  11. No, there's no "vegetarian special" on the menu. Order steak, or you
can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey.

 12.  When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats,
vegetables, and breads We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup! Oh,
yeah.... We don't care what you folks in Cincinnaticall think, that stuff you
eat... IT AIN'T REAL CHILI!!

 13. You bring "Coke" into my house, it better be brown, wet and served
over ice. You bring "Mary Jane" into my house, she better be cute, know how
to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.

 14. College and High School Football is as important here as the Lakers
and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.

 15. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards -- it
spooks the fish.

 16. Colleges? We have them all over. We have State Universities,
Universities, and Vo-techs. They come outta there with an education plus a
love for God and country, and they still wave at everybody when they come
home for the holidays.

 17. We have more folks in the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines than all
of you put together, so don't mess with us. If you do, you'll get whipped by
the best.

 18. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump crap ain't
music, anyway. We don't want to hear it anymore than we want to see your
boxers! Refer back to #1!

 A true Westerner will send this to at least 10 others!!


Looks good though... how much real is it? ;D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on February 21, 2008, 10:26:07 PM
It's all real, Fabo.   ;D ;D ;D  I lived in South Dakota for years, and this was all true, plus a few others.   ::drinking:: ::drinking:: ::drinking:: ::drinking:: ::drinking::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: tundra_flier on February 21, 2008, 11:13:02 PM
Growing up in Wyoming...I'd have to say that pretty much most of it's true.

Phil
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on February 22, 2008, 12:18:02 AM
A little girl asked her Mom, 'Mom, may I take the
dog for a walk around the block?' Mom replies, 'No,
because she is in heat.'

'What's that mean?' asked the child.

'Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'

The little girl goes to the garage and says, 'Dad,
may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I
asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to
come to you.'

Dad said, 'Bring Belle over here.' He took a rag,
soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's
backside with it to disguise the scent, and said
'OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and
only go one time round the block.'

The little girl left and returned a few minutes
later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad
asked, 'Where's Belle?'

The little girl said, 'She ran out of gas about
halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing
her home.'
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: airtac on February 22, 2008, 12:27:26 AM
Gibbo why did you have to put that in about the 9v batteries---now I gotta try it to see what the deal is---kinda like "Mythbusters", I'll let you know what happens ::loony::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: gibbo_335 on February 22, 2008, 03:03:12 AM
Gibbo why did you have to put that in about the 9v batteries---now I gotta try it to see what the deal is---kinda like "Mythbusters", I'll let you know what happens ::loony::

Sorry Airtac, didn't mean to upset you  ;) BUT i can tell you that I have tested 9v batteries "Mythbusters" style...and ...well...ummm...obviously I wasn't a statistic  ;D  BBZZZZTTTT ::rofl:: 
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: gibbo_335 on February 22, 2008, 03:05:32 AM
Gibbo why did you have to put that in about the 9v batteries---now I gotta try it to see what the deal is---kinda like "Mythbusters", I'll let you know what happens ::loony::

Sorry Airtac, didn't mean to upset you  ;) BUT i can tell you that I have tested 9v batteries "Mythbusters" style on my tongue ...and ...well...ummm...obviously I wasn't an Aussie statistic  ;D  BBZZZZTTTT ::rofl:: 
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: gibbo_335 on February 22, 2008, 03:07:43 AM
....and another.....

Dad at the mall:
     
I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy  some new shoes. We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colours: green, red,  orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him.
 
The teenager would look and find him staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild In your life?'
 
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one.

And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response.

'Got drunk once had an affair with a peacock.  I was just wondering if you were my son.'   ;D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: gibbo_335 on February 22, 2008, 03:09:53 AM
...just in..... ::rofl::
Would you remarry?

A husband and wife are lying quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question.

WIFE: 'What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?'

HUSBAND: 'Definitely not!'

WIFE: 'Why not? Don't you like being married?'

HUSBAND: 'Of course I do.'

WIFE: 'Then why wouldn't you remarry?'

HUSBAND: 'Okay, okay, I'd get married again.'

WIFE: 'You would? (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: 'Would you live in our house?'

HUSBAND: 'Sure. It's a great house.'

WIFE: 'Would you sleep with her in our bed?'

HUSBAND: 'Where else would we sleep?'

WIFE: 'Would you let her drive my car?'

HUSBAND: 'Probably. It is almost new.'

WIFE: 'Would you replace my pictures with hers?'

HUSBAND: 'That would seem like the proper thing to do.'

WIFE: 'Would you give her my jewelry?'

HUSBAND: 'No. I'm sure she'd want her own.'

WIFE: 'Would you take her golfing with you?'

HUSBAND: 'Yes. Those are always good times.'

WIFE: 'Would she use my clubs?'

HUSBAND: 'No. She's left-handed.'

WIFE: - silence -

HUSBAND: '. . . Oh Crap!!!!.'
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: airtac on February 22, 2008, 03:42:04 AM
"left handed"  HAAHAA ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on February 22, 2008, 08:56:23 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on February 22, 2008, 09:28:52 PM
;D ;D

I raise you this restaurant in Lake City, FL--just up the road from the tanker base;

(http://i76.photobucket.com/albums/j35/helokat/funnies/DSCN0752.jpg)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on February 22, 2008, 09:31:51 PM
;D ;D

I raise you this restaurant in Lake City, FL--just up the road from the tanker base;

LOL!!!!!!!!!!!
 ::bow:: ::bow:: ::bow:: ::bow:: ::bow::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: TheSoccerMom on February 22, 2008, 11:25:01 PM
Now THAT is a gem!!!     ::bow:: 

 ::rofl::

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on February 23, 2008, 12:01:21 AM
This will be for all the single guys, and those of us who live on the road..consider this my contribution to your well being. Today's lesson is laundry.

Now, you all know that I spend an average of nine months at a time on the road...and you have seen my "laundry" flow chart that I shared with all of you--Which I re-post now:

(http://i76.photobucket.com/albums/j35/helokat/e9dd6ea5.jpg)

And assuming you end up washing your clothes..you will need to know how to fold a shirt..I am here to help:

http://www.dorks.com/videos/ftdhbf.html
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: airtac on February 23, 2008, 12:21:21 AM
 That's not fair---can't concentrate on the er-ah-uh-er --------what were we supposed to see again???? ::silly::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on February 23, 2008, 12:26:43 AM
That's not fair---can't concentrate on the er-ah-uh-er --------what were we supposed to see again???? ::silly::

I know---I've watched it 20 times and still have not got it down..oh well---off to watch it some more ::whistle:: ::whistle::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Skid Kid on February 23, 2008, 02:11:11 AM
Some old, some new, but I'm still waiting for my chance to add one to the list!

Problem - Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
Solution - Almost replaced left inside main tire.

Problem - Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
Solution - Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

Problem - No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
Solution - No. 2 propeller seepage normal. Nos. 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack normal seepage.

Problem - Something loose in cockpit.
Solution - Something tightened in cockpit.

Problem - Dead bugs on windshield.
Solution - Live bugs on backorder.

Problem - Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
Solution - Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Problem - Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
Solution - Evidence removed.

Problem - DME volume unbelievably loud.
Solution - Volume set to more believable level.

Problem - Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Solution - That's what they are there for!

Problem - IFF inoperative.
Solution - IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

Problem - Suspected crack in windscreen.
Solution - Suspect you're right.

Problem - Number 3 engine missing.
Solution - Engine found on right wing after brief search.

Problem - Aircraft handles funny.
Solution - Aircraft warned to "Straighten up, Fly Right, and Be Serious."

Problem - Target radar hums.
Solution - Reprogrammed target radar with words.

Problem - Mouse in cockpit.
Solution - Cat installed.

Problem: The autopilot doesn't.
Solution: IT DOES NOW.

Problem: Seat cushion in 13F smells rotten.
Solution: Fresh seat cushion on order.

Problem: Turn & slip indicator ball stuck in center during turns.
Solution: Congratulations. You just made your first coordinated turn!

Problem: Whining sound heard on engine shutdown.
Solution: Pilot removed from aircraft.

Problem: Pilot's clock inoperative.
Solution: Wound clock.

Problem: Autopilot tends to drop a wing when fuel imbalance reaches 500 pounds.
Solution: Flight manual limits maximum fuel imbalance to 300 pounds.

Problem: #2 ADF needle runs wild.
Solution: Caught and tamed #2 ADF needle.

Problem: Unfamiliar noise coming from #2 engine.
Solution: Engine run for four hours. Noise now familiar.

Problem: Noise coming from #2 engine. Sounds like man with little hammer.
Solution: Took little hammer away from man in #2 engine.

Problem: Whining noise coming from #2 engine compartment.
Solution: Returned little hammer to man in #2 engine.

Problem: Flight attendant cold at altitude.
Solution: Ground checks OK.

Problem: 3 roaches in cabin.
Solution: 1 roach killed, 1 wounded, 1 got away.

Problem: Weather radar went ape!
Solution: Opened radar, let out ape, cleaned up mess!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Oddball on February 23, 2008, 07:02:34 PM
That's not fair---can't concentrate on the er-ah-uh-er --------what were we supposed to see again???? ::silly::

I know---I've watched it 20 times and still have not got it down..oh well---off to watch it some more ::whistle:: ::whistle::

my excuse is she did it so fast i missed what she was doing....and im sticking to it so no one say any diffrent off to watch it again so i can understand it  ::thinking::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on February 23, 2008, 09:21:39 PM




And assuming you end up washing your clothes..you will need to know how to fold a shirt..I am here to help:

http://www.dorks.com/videos/ftdhbf.html

Wait wait. There was a shirt in that video?
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Skid Kid on February 23, 2008, 10:01:03 PM
There was!  She took it off and I lost track of it...
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: airtac on February 24, 2008, 01:05:20 AM
That's disgusting!  You guys are the epitome of "sexist pigs"  With that ,I'll be oinking off to my sty ::loony::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: gibbo_335 on February 24, 2008, 01:44:22 AM
  ::) Nope I didn't see the shirt ... hang on i'll check that again

 ::thinking:: NOPE no shirt at all in the video  ::whistle::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Baradium on February 24, 2008, 09:17:51 AM
http://www.iheartchaos.com/2008/02/23/how-to-hire-a-woman-how-to/

"How to hire a woman"

(http://www.iheartchaos.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/02/2281623849_5f314fe03d_o.jpg)




New DOOM weapon:  http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1803224/
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on February 25, 2008, 08:42:08 PM
Excerpts from a Dog's Daily Diary:
   
8:00am Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30am A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40am walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30am Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing. 
12:00pm Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00pm Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00pm Wagged my tail! My favorite thing.
 5:00pm Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00pm Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00pm Wow! Watched TV with my master! My favorite thing.
11:00pm  Sleeping on the bed! My favorite  thing!

 ==========================================   
 
Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary:

This is day 683 of my captivity: My captors continue to taunt me  with bizarre dangling  objects. They dine  lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and myself are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make  my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape...  In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the  floor.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet.  I had hoped this would  strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of.   However, they merely  made condescending  comments about what a  "good little hunter" I am. The audacity!

There  was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event.  However,
I could hear the noises and smell the food.  I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies."  I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage. Today I was  almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was  walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at  the top of the stairs. I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.  The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released --and seems to be more than willing to return.  He is obviously  retarded! The bird has got to be an informant.  I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move.  The captors have arranged  protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is  safe....... for now
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on February 27, 2008, 04:00:37 AM
Excerpts from a Dog's Daily Diary:... ::bow:: ::bow:: ::bow::
Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary:... ::bow:: ::bow:: ::bow::
::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl::

 ::drinking:: DonYan ::wave::

Don Yan---Being the animal lover you are..I thought you might appreciate that one.. ::whistle:: ::whistle::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: gibbo_335 on February 28, 2008, 03:54:42 AM
It all makes sense now! ::drinking::

On the first day, God created the dog and said:
 
'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'
 
The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'
 
So God agreed.
 
On the second day, God created the monkey and  said:
 
'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll  give you a 20 year life span.'
 
The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for 20 years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back 10 like the dog did?'
 
And God agreed.
 
On the third day, God created the cow and said:
 
'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family.  For this, I will give you a life span of 60 years.'
 
The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for 60 years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'
 
And God agreed again.
 
On the fourth day, God created man and said:
 
'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you 20 years.'
 
But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you  possibly give me my 20, the 40 the cow gave back, the 10 the monkey gave back, and the 10 the dog gave back, that makes 80, okay?'
 
'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'
 
So that is why for our first 20 years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.  For the next 40 years we slave in the sun to support our family.  For the next 10 years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last 10 years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
 
Life has now been explained to you.  ;D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: PiperGirl on February 28, 2008, 01:46:02 PM
I want the first 20 back ::sulk::  ::sulk:: What's up with the 40 years of slavery... ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Oddball on February 28, 2008, 04:50:36 PM
is it too late to ask for a refund?
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: gibbo_335 on February 29, 2008, 12:40:03 AM
is it too late to ask for a refund?

 ::rofl:: ::rofl:: refunds only given during the warranty period  ;D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Oddball on February 29, 2008, 07:54:30 AM
if the waranty runs out at 30 im good still have till october lol
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Frank N. O. on February 29, 2008, 07:57:39 AM
if the waranty runs out at 30 im good still have till october lol
I only got until the start of july :(

Frank
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Skid Kid on February 29, 2008, 11:04:56 AM
Know the little label that says "Warranty void if seal broken", well scotch tape didn't fix mine...
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: airtac on February 29, 2008, 11:59:50 AM
I'm searching the house---gotta be an extended warranty around here somewhere---just gotta be............ ???
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: madpilot44 on March 01, 2008, 03:21:46 AM
Chuck Norris jokes, anyone?

Chuck Norris doesn't request clearances, he states intentions.

Chuck Norris never gets vectors to final . . . final gets vectored to Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is the only person ever to land on runway 37.

Hijackers squawk 7400 when Chuck Norris is on board

If you ever lose sight of Chuck Norris, check your six o'clock.

When Chuck Norris taxies onto the runway, incoming traffic is told to hold short

Chuck Norris never "loses" altitude, he simply gets rid of it when he no longer has any use for it.

Chuck Norris has never landed with a crosswind. The wind would never dare get cross with Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris flies, the altimeter setting is 00.00. Chuck Norris is never under pressure.

When the BASH condition is Red, planes don't fly. When the BASH condition is Norris, birds don't fly.

Chuck Norris has never had a midair collision, He has shot down any plane that has gotten within 10 miles

When told to break at the numbers, Chuck Norris politely reminded the controller that Chuck Norris cannot be broken and proceeded with the straight in.

Right of Way rules do not apply when Chuck Norris is flying. If you are flying toward Chuck Norris, you are wrong.

Chuck Norris doesn't shoot approaches...he kills them.

Chuck Norris is never off of glideslope, the glideslope is off of Chuck Norris

Chuck Yeager broke the sound barrier with his Bell X-1 Jet. Chuck Norris broke the sound barrier with his fist.

Chuck Norris doesn't manage operational risk...he seeks it.

An ejection seat is not safe until Chuck Norris gets out of it.

Chuck Norris doesn't need crew rest...he never sleeps.

Chuck Norris was once denied a clearance...once

Minimum Safe Altitudes do not apply when Chuck Norris is airborne, if you are in the air when Chuck Norris is flying you are never safe.

Chuck Norris is never given the instructions "when able" . Chuck Norris is never unable to do anything.

Favorable winds are always in the same direction as Chuck Norris' flight path

Chuck Norris has never had to adapt his eyes to the dark. His infrared vision is working perfectly fine.

T-45 Anti Icing Capabilities: Pitot Heat, 5th Stage Bleed Air, Chuck Norris

A permanent TFR surrounds Chuck Norris...no one is safe.

Chuck Norris cannot be tracked on radar, if he appears, it is too late; you are already dead.

A good flight for Chuck Norris is a bad flight for you.

Leading cause of disorientation for pilots: Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris once moved a stationary front.

Chuck Norris is the only person to graduate SERE School via correspondence.

Chuck Norris isn't holding, he is circling above his victims.

The weather outlook for the area around Chuck Norris: 100% Chance of Pain
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: gibbo_335 on March 01, 2008, 03:44:18 AM
I'm searching the house---gotta be an extended warranty around here somewhere---just gotta be............ ???

 ::rofl:: ::rofl:: HA HA .... just give up Airtac, I can't find mine either  ::drinking:: ::sleep::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on March 01, 2008, 07:44:30 PM

Chuck Norris never "loses" altitude, he simply gets rid of it when he no longer has any use for it.

Chuck Norris doesn't shoot approaches...he kills them.

Chuck Norris was once denied a clearance...once


HA HA!! Those are great!!
You probably have to be familiar with the Chuck Norris jokes first....
I had no idea there was a whole set of aviation jokes!!

We should make a t-shirt!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: PiperGirl on March 06, 2008, 04:19:54 PM
A dog is truly a man's best friend.
If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.

Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.
When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you!?  ::thinking::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: airtac on March 06, 2008, 05:46:08 PM
Thanks PG, I'm sleeping on the couch tonite just for ASKING my wife about that::knockedout::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on March 06, 2008, 07:43:50 PM
For my worldwide friends, Medicare is the US Government run medical insurance for senior citizens:


MEDICARE COVERAGE IN A NUTSHELL 

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello."
"Mrs. Sanders, please."
"Speaking."

"Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When  your doctor sent your    husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived  as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's.  Frankly the results are either bad or
terrible."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for AIDS.  We can't tell which is your  husband's."

"That's dreadful!  Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Sanders.
"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town.  If he finds his way home, don't sleep  with him."   ::knockedout::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: TheSoccerMom on March 06, 2008, 09:49:51 PM
Pipergirl,

You are SO right!  A dog is a woman's best friend, too....  well, maybe tied with an airplane, OKAY, OKAY!!!    ::bow::

 ::bow::           ::bow::              ::bow:: 
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Baradium on March 06, 2008, 09:51:40 PM
Pipergirl,

You are SO right!  A dog is a woman's best friend, too....  well, maybe tied with an airplane, OKAY, OKAY!!!    ::bow::

 ::bow::           ::bow::              ::bow:: 


The first time I read that I read "well, maybe tied to an airplane" and just thought  "poor dog!"
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Oddball on March 07, 2008, 08:14:17 AM
Ok im getting images from national lampoons national vaction when chevy chase ties the dog to the rear bumper (fender for you american types) and drives off    :'(
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Baradium on March 07, 2008, 09:42:08 AM
Ok im getting images from national lampoons national vaction when checy chase ties the dog to the rear bumper (fender for you american types) and drives off    :'(


Ian: the fender is the front side panel on a car, bumper was right.  ;)


And yeah, I had a similiar mental image...
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Oddball on March 07, 2008, 05:43:59 PM
Ok im getting images from national lampoons national vaction when checy chase ties the dog to the rear bumper (fender for you american types) and drives off    :'(


Ian: the fender is the front side panel on a car, bumper was right.  ;)


And yeah, I had a similiar mental image...



you would of thought i would of known that since im a car mech as well  just blame it on me just home from night shift  ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: TheSoccerMom on March 08, 2008, 02:19:02 AM
PILOT cars don't HAVE bumpers.......   OR fenders.    ::sulk::

 :D           :D            :D             :D            :D             :D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on March 08, 2008, 04:22:08 AM
PILOT cars don't HAVE bumpers.......   OR fenders.    ::sulk::

 :D           :D            :D             :D            :D             :D
|:)\ VW baja bugs & dunne buggies neither ::bow:: DonYan ::wave::

Trophy Trucks do... but they usually get torn off in the first 100 miles of a Baja Race   ;D

Here's an example,  http://smdmotorsports.com/

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: gibbo_335 on March 11, 2008, 01:43:26 AM
OK OK I HAD to put this in, this is a comic stirp called SWAMP down-under here, i though you guys might get a kick outta this one from last Sundays paper.  ::rofl:: 'specially the CFI's in here
(http://www.swamp.com.au/strips/s1285.gif)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: PiperGirl on March 11, 2008, 02:16:21 PM
 ::bow:: Gibbo, that's great!  ::rofl::  ::rofl::  ::rofl::  ::rofl:: ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Oddball on March 11, 2008, 03:52:49 PM
thats a good one gibbo  ::bow:: ::bow:: ::rofl:: ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Fabo on March 11, 2008, 06:34:51 PM
Got this one on Lolcats now... coincidence?  ;D

(http://icanhascheezburger.files.wordpress.com/2008/03/funny-pictures-duck-falls-snow.jpg)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on March 11, 2008, 08:38:17 PM
In honor of St Patrick's Day, here are the following stories:

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over.
" So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?"
 
" Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
 
" Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
 
"That I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
 
" Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
 
" Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
" For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
*********************************************************************************************************** 
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
 
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".
 
" Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
 
" That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda." There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
 
" Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
   
 "I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry".
 
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
 
" It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
 
" Oh my dear! But you must tell me truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
 
"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."
************************************************************************************************************
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O' Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
 
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
 
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news.
 My husband passed away last night."
 
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
 
                         She says, "That he did, Father."
 The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "
 
She says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down that gun...'   
*********************************************************************************************************
THE BEST FOR LAST   
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
   
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.
 
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
 
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either.."

 ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: airtac on March 11, 2008, 09:07:58 PM
Hey R/C---we'll have to rely on TurboMallard to explain the duck on snow--he'll probably claim ducks are supposed to go to Florida in the winter (being float equipped and all that)  :-\
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on March 11, 2008, 09:19:41 PM
Hey R/C---we'll have to rely on TurboMallard to explain the duck on snow--he'll probably claim ducks are supposed to go to Florida in the winter (being float equipped and all that)  :-\

I was just thinking that I have yet to see a Duck on skis...   ::loony:: ::loony:: ::loony::

... or should that be a Ski-Equipped Duck???   ::thinking::

Best to have another round and forget about the whole thing.   ::drinking:: ::drinking:: ::drinking::

 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: gibbo_335 on March 12, 2008, 03:32:38 AM
A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll have a CAD monkey please."
The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fitted a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, "That'll be £5000."
The customer paid and walked out with his monkey.
Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only few hundred dollars. Why did that one cost so much?"
The Shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey can draw in AutoCAD - very fast, clear layouts, no mistakes, well worth the money."
The tourist looked at a monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive! £10,000! What does it do?"
"Oh, that one's a Design monkey; it can design systems, layout projects, mark-up drawings, write specifications, some even calculate. All the really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper.
The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read £50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?"
The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually seen it do anything, but it says it's an Engineer."  ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on March 12, 2008, 03:43:58 AM
A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll have a CAD monkey please."

Kinda like the re-post of this:

Helicopter Monkey

A tourist walked into a pet store and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, a government fire officer walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll take a 6114 monkey, please."

The man nodded, went to a cage at the side of the store and took out a monkey. He put a collar and leash on the animal and handed it the owner, saying, "That'll be $1,000." The owner paid and left with the monkey.

Surprised, the tourist went to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did that one cost so much?"

The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that 6114 fire line monkey, he can cut line, Swat flames, lay hose, spray water, cut trees with no back talk or complaints. It's well worth the money."

The tourist spotted a monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive--$10,000! What does it do?"

"Oh, that one is a "helitack" monkey; it can marshal helicopters, brief passengers, hook up buckets, complete weight and balance forms, and load aircraft. A very useful monkey indeed," replied the shopkeeper.

The tourist looked around a little longer and found a third monkey in a cage. The price tag read, "$50,000". The shocked tourist exclaimed, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What in the world could it do?"

"Well, I've never actually seen him do anything but drink beer and play with his dick, but his papers say he's a Helicopter Pilot!"


Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on March 12, 2008, 04:06:17 AM
Hey G-Man! Way to go!

Doesn't this hit home??
I mean since you're not flying fires while it's snowing . . .

 ::rofl:: ;D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Oddball on March 12, 2008, 11:15:42 AM
 "Well, I haven't actually seen it do anything, but it says it's an Engineer." 
yep gibbo thats me a grease monkey  ::rofl:: ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: airtac on March 12, 2008, 01:21:10 PM
SOOOO Gman,
with the snow and all, how's your wrist? ::)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: PiperGirl on March 12, 2008, 02:19:01 PM
Thanks for the morning laughs! Always good to start the day with humor ::wave::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on March 12, 2008, 03:07:04 PM
SOOOO Gman,
with the snow and all, how's your wrist? ::)

HA ha.. The worst of it is.. I am on my two days off yesterday and today..and guess what..the weather finally broke and they are burning both days--I have been here for a month now and flown 2.7--on my last days off they flew 4.6--who knows for these two days. And rain is in the forecast for tomorrow thru Sunday ::complaining: Back to playing I guess ::whistle:: ::whistle::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on March 12, 2008, 03:19:31 PM
Soccermom and Pipergirl -- never let it be said that I do not look after your very best interests.. ::whistle:: ::whistle::

(http://i76.photobucket.com/albums/j35/helokat/funnies/3rq28q1204672543.jpg)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: AirScorp on March 12, 2008, 05:47:48 PM
Dunno G-man, It looks a bit trashy to me..
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Fabo on March 12, 2008, 06:05:15 PM
Dunno G-man, It looks a bit trashy to me..

What do you want, it is free after all :)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: PiperGirl on March 12, 2008, 06:11:25 PM
Soccermom and Pipergirl -- never let it be said that I do not look after your very best interests.. ::whistle:: ::whistle::

(http://i76.photobucket.com/albums/j35/helokat/funnies/3rq28q1204672543.jpg)

The fit might be a bit.... baggy  ::rofl::  ::rofl::  ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on March 12, 2008, 06:24:52 PM
The fit might be a bit.... baggy  ::rofl::  ::rofl::  ::rofl::

Well--I think both you and Soccermom could at least try one on and post the pictures here and let US be the judge as to the fit.. ::thinking:: ::thinking::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Frank N. O. on March 12, 2008, 06:36:08 PM
The fit might be a bit.... baggy  ::rofl::  ::rofl::  ::rofl::

Well--I think both you and Soccermom could at least try one on and post the pictures here and let US be the judge as to the fit.. ::thinking:: ::thinking::
Well, it would Shirley add another dimension to Mary being called baglady.

Btw, The Swamp Rules!! I read it often when the danish Beetle Bailey magazine ran it (that magazine has now run for 36 years non-stop and is at issue 793 now and Mort Walker has visited here several times and we get special strips, including censored ones that you guys over there don't get :D).

Frank
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: airtac on March 12, 2008, 06:49:48 PM
Gordy, you got WAAAAAY too much time on your hands :-[
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: airtac on March 12, 2008, 07:01:53 PM
THE NEW BOSS

If you've ever worked for a boss that reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will love this!

A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO.
The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.

He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, 'How much money do you make a week?'

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, 'I make $400 a week. Why?'

The CEO then handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, 'Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back.'

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, 'Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?'

From across the room came a voice, 'Pizza delivery guy from Domino's.'
 
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on March 12, 2008, 07:14:45 PM
Gordy, you got WAAAAAY too much time on your hands :-[

Feel free to come out here with a 40 gallon oil drum and a match....I need some thing to do.. ::banghead::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: TheSoccerMom on March 12, 2008, 07:35:35 PM
The fit might be a bit.... baggy  ::rofl::  ::rofl::  ::rofl::

Well--I think both you and Soccermom could at least try one on and post the pictures here and let US be the judge as to the fit.. ::thinking:: ::thinking::

BWAAA HAAAA, I laughed out LOUD when I saw this one!!

Love it, G-Man...   ::bow::

You obviously know what a fashion DIVA I am...  what a wonderful idea....  simply DIVINE, Dahlink!!!   Oh, and it'll go SO WELL with my Nomex...!!   ::rofl::

As for photos, mmm, well, uh....  that's a pretty scary thought!!!!!    ::whistle::

(For ME, not for Pipergirl!!!!)   :D    ::loony::   

The U.N. would probably come after me for torture, if I posted that one.....!!!    ::silly::

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: gibbo_335 on March 13, 2008, 12:35:57 AM
DANG YOU GILLY, there goes another cup of coffee  ;D opps and another keyboard too  ::type:: ::drinking:: ::whistle::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: gibbo_335 on March 13, 2008, 12:37:16 AM
Dear Diary,
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those
expensive double pane energy efficient kind, but this week, I got a call from the
contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had
been completed a whole year ago and I hadn't paid for them.

Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.
So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told ME last  year...
namely, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!

"Hellooooo? It's been a year!", I told him.

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung
up.... He didn't call back.
Guess I won that stupid argument
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: airtac on March 13, 2008, 01:00:17 AM
HEAVY SIGH  ??? we blondes are always getting picked on :'(
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on March 15, 2008, 02:01:21 AM
 DIARY OF A SNOW SHOVELER


December 8 - 6:00 PM
It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!


December 9
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had! Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life!


December 12
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment! My neighbor tells me not to worry- we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.


December 14
Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish l wouldn't huff and puff so.


December 15
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.


December 16
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.


December 17
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.


December 20
Electricity' s back on, but had another 14 inches of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling! Took all day. The damn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.


December 22
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white sh*t fell today, and it's so cold, it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think the *sshole is lying.


December 23
Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she, nuts?!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.


December 24
6 inches - Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a b$tch who drives that snow plow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the damn snowplow.


December 25
Merry f---ing Christmas! 20 more inches of the damn slop tonight - Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch 'It's A Wonderful Life' one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.


December 26
Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.


December 27
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze; plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.


December 28
Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. The B!TCH is driving me crazy!!!


December 29
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?


December 30
Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver, and now he is suing me for a million dollars, not only the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his *ss. The wife went home to her mother. Nine more inches predicted.


December 31
I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.


January 8
Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: airtac on March 15, 2008, 02:38:15 AM
EXACTLY WHY I LIKE TO VISIT SNOW COUNTRY---THEN COME HOME ;D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: TheSoccerMom on March 15, 2008, 03:31:25 AM
Gil, that snow one sounds JUST LIKE the conversation I had with my sister today.....  !!!!

I think if she could find a decent bridge, she'd have jumped by now....  LONG winters there in New England.....  !!!   ::loony::



On a separate note, this was a page from one of those Daily Stupid Remarks calendars:

On Trials, Lune-Y:

Attorney:  So you saw that, did you?

Witness:  Yes, I did.

Attorney:  That was pretty far from you.  How far can you see?

Witness:  I can see the moon, how far is that?

 ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: BrianGMFS on March 15, 2008, 03:18:48 PM
Quote
Gil, that snow one sounds JUST LIKE the conversation I had with my sister today.....  !!!!

I think if she could find a decent bridge, she'd have jumped by now....  LONG winters there in New England.....  !!!   Loony

No kidding... I've had about enough of this winter. Warmed up to 40F yesterday.... Felt like spring. Then, it snowed 2 inches last night  ::banghead::

Brian
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on March 17, 2008, 03:58:58 PM
Gosh, I feel bad to report to y'all that I have had my A/C on at home the past couple of days.  95F last Thursday and 88F Friday.  It cooled down to around 65F yesterday and is supposed to be maybe 75F today.  That's the payoff for living with the intense heat of summer here in the Sonora Desert.   ::sweat::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on March 17, 2008, 08:52:10 PM
Gosh, I feel bad to report to y'all that I have had my A/C on at home the past couple of days.  95F last Thursday and 88F Friday.  It cooled down to around 65F yesterday and is supposed to be maybe 75F today.  That's the payoff for living with the intense heat of summer here in the Sonora Desert.   ::sweat::

 ::complaining: ::complaining: ::complaining: ::complaining: ::complaining: ::complaining: ::complaining: ::complaining: ::complaining: ::complaining: ::complaining: ::complaining: ::complaining: ::complaining:
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Oddball on March 17, 2008, 09:27:54 PM
A/C? what that when it does not stand for Air Craft?
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on March 17, 2008, 09:37:17 PM
A/C? what that when it does not stand for Air Craft?

A/C = Air Conditioning, i.e. what you turn on when it gets too warm and you want to stay cool.  Hehe.   ;D 8)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Oddball on March 17, 2008, 10:29:36 PM
never heard of it on this side of the atlantic rooster lol
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Fabo on March 18, 2008, 11:52:53 AM
I have seen it being fit in cars Oddball, yet I cant see R/C living in one with him paying whole rating. Strange things in here. ???
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: airtac on March 19, 2008, 03:21:53 PM
Got tired of springs slow arrival so we beat feet to Florida--sittin' in Starbucks, about 20 miles from Ft Walton airport right now at 75 degrees (F)---back to the beach this afternoon ::cowboy::
Dirty job but someone has to do it :-\
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Oddball on March 19, 2008, 03:45:34 PM
Airtac dont ever post anything like that again YA HEAR!! spring is jsut arriving up in the blustery north lol
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on March 19, 2008, 03:54:01 PM
Got tired of springs slow arrival so we beat feet to Florida--sittin' in Starbucks, about 20 miles from Ft Walton airport right now at 75 degrees (F)---back to the beach this afternoon ::cowboy::
Dirty job but someone has to do it :-\

Ah---Lucy was just there last week doing an RX burn. I am sitting in the floods of Missouri..hoping to be moved to sunnier climates..
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on March 20, 2008, 03:42:40 AM
There sure ain't nothin' burnin' in Rolla right now, Gordy.  Not after all the rain you've had there!  Hehe.   ::silly::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Fabo on March 20, 2008, 01:37:52 PM
Well for having mid to upper 10s C last week, we now have here... Ian, stay cool, we did not takwe it from Scots...

yes, we have it snowing here. At 04C... Strange WX indeed
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Oddball on March 20, 2008, 05:45:40 PM
 meant to be getting a dump of snow over the next couple of days fabo ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on March 20, 2008, 06:21:26 PM
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her
students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the
3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd
grade too!'

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher ex-plained to the
principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he
would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions
he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he
agreed to take the test.

Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry: '9.'

Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'

Harry: '36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader
should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can
go to the 3rd grade.'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

Harry: 'Pants.'

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval,
delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'

Harry: 'Coconut.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the
answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting
down and a dog does on three legs?'

Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means
a lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry: 'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put
Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions
wrong.'
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on March 20, 2008, 10:57:06 PM
Haha!  Great one, Happy!   ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: undatc on March 21, 2008, 01:53:13 AM
(http://i25.photobucket.com/albums/c83/ATC_Guy/funny-pictures-duck-falls-snow.jpg)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on March 21, 2008, 03:15:55 AM
undatc, you need to view this thread I posted Re: Mallards.  hehe.   ::rofl::

http://www.chickenwingscomics.com/forum/index.php?topic=1301.0
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: undatc on March 21, 2008, 03:34:46 AM
undatc, you need to view this thread I posted Re: Mallards.  hehe.   ::rofl::

http://www.chickenwingscomics.com/forum/index.php?topic=1301.0

I can just imagine whats going through their heads as thats happening.   ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: rtrhead71 on March 22, 2008, 05:01:23 AM
A woman opened her refrigerator to see a rabbit sitting on a rack.  She was quite shocked and asked the rabbit "why are you sitting in my frig?"

To which the rabbit queried, "This is a Westinghouse isn't it?"

"Why yes it is.  Why does that matter?"

And the rabbit replied "well I'm westing!"

 ::banghead::

HOPPY EASTER EVERYBODY!!!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on April 01, 2008, 03:25:38 AM
OK.  Who can guess what breed of 'Cat' this is?  Hehe.   ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on April 01, 2008, 03:45:47 AM
I think you all can appreciate this one...
 

 


I went into the gas station today and
asked for five dollars worth of gas.....

The clerk farted and gave me a receipt.   ::eek:: ::unbelieveable::
 
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: airtac on April 01, 2008, 04:48:16 AM
INVISOCAT???? ???
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on April 02, 2008, 03:48:41 AM
A buddy sent me this---most are repeats...but worth re-peating..


Pilot Philosophy...

The difference between a duck and a copilot?
The duck can fly.
 
A check ride ought to be like a skirt.
Short enough to be interesting, but long enough to cover everything.
 
Speed is life.
Altitude is life insurance.
 
It only takes two things to fly:
Airspeed, and money.
 
The three most dangerous things in aviation:
1. A Doctor or Dentist in a Bonanza.
2. Two captains in a DC-9.
3. A flight attendant with a chipped tooth.
 
Aircraft Identification:
If it's ugly, it's British.
If it's weird, it's French.
If it's ugly and weird, it's Russian.
 
Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another very expensive flying club.
 
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. NOTE: A flight with G-man  is one of the few opportunities to experience all three at the same time.
 
The similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?
If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies.
If ATC screws up, the pilot dies.
 
It's better to break ground and head into the wind than to break wind and head into the ground.
 
The difference between flight attendants and jet engines is that the engines usually quit whining when they get to the gate.
 
New FAA motto:
'We're not happy, till you're not happy.'
 
If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.
 
I give that landing a 9 . . on the Richter scale.
 
Basic Flying Rules:
1. Try to stay in the middle of the air.
2. Do not go near the edges of it.
3. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly in the edges.
 
Unknown landing signal officer to carrier pilot after his 6th unsuccessful landing attempt: 'You've got to land here son. This is where the food is.'

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: TheSoccerMom on April 02, 2008, 03:52:19 AM
Like the first one, G-Man!!   ::bow::

That really says it all.....    ::rofl::    ::loony::

 ;)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on April 02, 2008, 04:03:46 AM
This one is my favorite:

Quote
It only takes two things to fly:
Airspeed, and money.

I know its true, after having paid for my own type rating school!   ::eek:: ::unbelieveable:: ::banghead::


Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Oddball on April 02, 2008, 08:50:57 AM
"If it's ugly, it's British" ? WTH ?!?  ::thinking:: ::unbelieveable:: ::eek:: ::loony:: ::complaining:
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: airtac on April 02, 2008, 02:36:42 PM
"If it's ugly, it's British" ? WTH ?!?  ::thinking:: ::unbelieveable:: ::eek:: ::loony:: ::complaining:
While the Spitfire with it's beautiful wing might be considered aviation art, there are some like the Short Skyvan that resemble the box used to ship an airplane. ::silly::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on April 02, 2008, 02:42:25 PM
"If it's ugly, it's British" ? WTH ?!?  ::thinking:: ::unbelieveable:: ::eek:: ::loony:: ::complaining:

There is a reason that I never married a "brit".. maybe it was the circles I hung out in.. ::thinking::
Title: Airplane Pilot Saved by Helicopter Pilot
Post by: G-man on April 02, 2008, 06:19:09 PM
Helicopter Pilot Saves Life of Airplane Pilot in a Horse-Back Riding Mishap

An airplane pilot with the USFS narrowly escaped serious injury recently when he attempted horseback riding with no prior experience. He mounted the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately began moving. As it galloped along at a steady and rhythmic pace, the pilot began to slip sideways from the saddle.

Although attempting to grab for the horse's mane he could not get a firm grip. He then threw his arms around the horse's neck but continued to slide down the side of the horse. The horse galloped along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider. Finally, losing his grip, the pilot attempted to leap away from the horse and throw himself to safety. His foot became entangled in the stirrup, and he was at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as his head and upper body repeatedly struck the ground.

Moments away from unconsciousness and probable death, to his great fortune a Helicopter pilot, shopping at Wal-Mart, saw him and quickly unplugged the horse!  ::whistle:: ::whistle::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: TheSoccerMom on April 02, 2008, 06:57:52 PM
 ::bow::

Oh thank HEAVENS a Helicopter God came by in time!!!   ::bow::   

(I bet that FS guy asked for his quarter back......   ::whistle:: )

 :D 

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: PiperGirl on April 02, 2008, 07:26:39 PM
 ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl::Nice G-man.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: TheSoccerMom on April 02, 2008, 09:42:56 PM
I wish I could say that this is a joke, but it's not..  more a case of how badly I apparently need a HEARING AID.  (HUNHH??)   ::loony::

So, last night the Old Mom was surfing around the Coop, cluck cluck cluck, and had the TV on in the background.  A commercial for a new heartburn drug came on, and like they do, it went on and ON about all the side effects, etc.  The name of the new drug is "Aciphex".

I was so busy reading, it took a while for it to sink in, but suddenly I realized I was listening to some new Miracle Drug for ASS EFFECTS, and I could NOT believe it....  I actually whipped around, stared at the TV and thought "My GOD, who on earth would think of a drug for ASS EFFECTS?!??!?"

 :-[  Boy was I embarrassed when the name of the pill came on the screen....

Guess I need a hearing aid.....    ::banghead::

 

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: PiperGirl on April 03, 2008, 12:33:10 PM
A Message from John Cleese to the citizens of the United States of America :

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except California, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.

2. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

3. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour', 'honour' and 'neighbour.'
Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be eliminated.

Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

4. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell- checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.

5. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

6. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.

Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

7. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen
Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macd owell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having
one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby - the South Africans
and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket.

15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

16. An internal revenue agent ( i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God save the Queen.
 ::cowboy::  ::cowboy::  ::cowboy::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: airtac on April 03, 2008, 02:53:43 PM
HAHAHA---That's great!!!
I must say, the description of American "beer" is quite accurate ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Oddball on April 03, 2008, 03:04:45 PM
yep here here   ::bow:: ::wave::  ::rofl:: heres to god, queen and country  |:)\ |:)\ now whares my cup of coffee?
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on April 03, 2008, 04:18:56 PM
yep here here   ::bow:: ::wave::  ::rofl:: heres to god, queen and country  |:)\ |:)\ now whares  my cup of coffee?

And ya'll have a problem with the US spelling??
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Fabo on April 03, 2008, 08:06:12 PM
Good thing I am Slovak.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on April 03, 2008, 11:43:59 PM
What are they thinking?! ::loony:: ::loony:: ::loony:: ::loony:: ::loony:: ::loony:: ::loony::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: airtac on April 04, 2008, 01:04:41 AM
Soooooooooooo--What's wrong with that? ??? Hell, if I'd be worried about a bunch of Nancyass rules I never would have gotten a refigerator into the middle of my hot tub ::loony::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Frank N. O. on April 04, 2008, 01:21:41 AM
 ::eek:: ::eek:: ::eek:: ::eek:: You have GOT to be kidding me!! Please tell me that's a joke photo and that there wasn't power running thrue that cord!! ::loony::

Frank
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on April 04, 2008, 01:32:32 AM
Dont see anything wrong with that--do it all the time at my pad in FL..
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: airtac on April 04, 2008, 01:39:56 AM
Dont see anything wrong with that--do it all the time at my pad in FL..
MONGO SAY, HE LIKE WAY GMAN THINK!  MONGO SAY WE BROTHERS!!!! ::drinking:: ::drinking::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on April 04, 2008, 01:58:50 AM
Dont see anything wrong with that--do it all the time at my pad in FL..
MONGO SAY, HE LIKE WAY GMAN THINK!  MONGO SAY WE BROTHERS!!!! ::drinking:: ::drinking::

Come on by Mongo--have not been home since June last year--but here it is:

(http://i76.photobucket.com/albums/j35/helokat/9518562.jpg)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: TheSoccerMom on April 04, 2008, 04:01:18 AM
Uh, G-Man??  I hate to break this to ya, but....    ::whistle::

Remember about a week or two ago, when Daddy MONGO Airtac reported in from FLORIDA??  ??  ??   ::whistle::

He said you got a GREAT pad, buddy, but it sure doesn't look quite the same anymore......   ::whistle::    ::drinking::

 ::drinking::             ::drinking::               ::drinking::             ::drinking::              ::drinking::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on April 04, 2008, 04:19:17 AM
Uh, G-Man??  I hate to break this to ya, but....    ::whistle::

Remember about a week or two ago, when Daddy MONGO Airtac reported in from FLORIDA??  ??  ??   ::whistle::

He said you got a GREAT pad, buddy, but it sure doesn't look quite the same anymore......   ::whistle::    ::drinking::

 ::drinking::             ::drinking::               ::drinking::             ::drinking::              ::drinking::

Ha---funny you should say that--hopefully he mowed my lawn while he was there..there was a wildfire that came within quarter mile of my house--and I'm sitting here in MO in rain showers.. It got stpped on on road luckily..I really need to go home and clear more trees..oh well.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: airtac on April 04, 2008, 03:38:45 PM
So who's taking care of the place in your absence?
Hey everbody---meet me a Gman's, we got a place to PARTY!!!! ::wave::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on April 04, 2008, 04:15:31 PM
So who's taking care of the place in your absence?
Hey everbody---meet me a Gman's, we got a place to PARTY!!!! ::wave::

Have at it, tell me when and I'll be there.. ::whistle:: ::drinking::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on April 05, 2008, 05:21:12 AM
A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the sheerest item pays the $500 and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.
Upstairs, the wife thinks, 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.'
So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.
The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!'
He never heard the shot.
Funeral on Friday at Noon.
Closed coffin.

 
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on April 05, 2008, 01:46:23 PM
What happened to the joke I posted?
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: airtac on April 06, 2008, 05:19:21 PM

 
Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up, this should make things a little bit clearer.
 
@ PRISON @ WORK
You spend most of your time in a 10X10 cell
 
@ PRISON You spend most of your time
in an 6X6 cubicle
 
@ WORK
You get three meals a day, fully paid for
 
@ PRISON You get a break for one meal and
you have to pay for it
 
@ WORK
For good behavior, you get time off For good behavior,
you get more work
 
@ PRISON
The guard unlocks and locks all the doors for you
 
@ PRISON                   
@ WORK
You must carry a security card
and open all the doors yourself
 
 
@ WORK
You can watch TV and play games
 
@ PRISON You could get fired for watching
TV and playing games
 
@ WORK 
You get your own toilet

 
@ PRISON You have to share the toilet with
people who pee on the seat
 
@ WORK
They allow your family and friends to visit
 
@ PRISON You aren't even supposed to
speak to your family
 
@ WORK
All expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required
 
@ PRISON You must pay all your expenses to go
to work, and they deduct taxes from
your salary to pay for prisoners
 
@ WORK
You spend most of your life inside bars wanting
to get out You spend most of your time
wanting to get out and
go inside bars
 
@ PRISON
You must deal with sadistic wardens 
@ WORK
They are called 'managers'
 
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on April 08, 2008, 05:37:46 AM
What happened to the joke I posted?

guess !!  :-*
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on April 08, 2008, 05:40:09 AM

He never heard the shot.


HA HA !!!   ::rofl::

The joke is great, but that line makes it soooooo much better !!!

More please!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on April 08, 2008, 10:32:25 PM
What happened to the joke I posted?

guess !!  :-*

Why'd it get delete for? It wasn't bad at all ??? ???
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: airtac on April 09, 2008, 04:26:59 AM
What happened to the joke I posted?

guess !!  :-*

Why'd it get delete for? It wasn't bad at all ??? ???
YEAH RIGHT GILLEY---I didn't see it but knowing you---it must have been BBAADD!!!!! ::unbelieveable::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on April 09, 2008, 04:43:11 AM
YEAH RIGHT GILLEY---I didn't see it but knowing you---it must have been BBAADD!!!!! ::unbelieveable::

Oh I'm sure it offended someone... I am going to preface all my posts with the phrase from the "duckman" in "Pretty in Pink"..

"Do I offend".. ::whistle:: ::whistle::

DISCLAIMER: Not intended as legal, medical or financial advice. Void where prohibited. Batteries not included. No purchase necessary to win. Open to legal US residents 18 or older. Not responsible for items left in vehicle. Dealer participation may affect actual cost. Rebates must be postmarked by 12/31/04. Any reproduction or rebroadcast without the expressed written consent of Major League Baseball is prohibited. Cash value 1/1000. Any resemblance to any person living or deceased is coincidental. Actual retail price may vary. Shake well before use. Keep frozen until ready to serve. Contents under pressure. Caution may be hot. Has been known to cause birth defects in laboratory animals. Not to be taken internally. Should not be used by pregnant women or nursing mothers. Avoid direct contact with eyes and skin. If rash develops discontinue use. Keep hands and feet inside railing at all times. In case of ingestion induce vomiting. All prices MSRP, tax, tags and destination charges extra. Certain blackout periods may apply. Professional driver on closed course. Do not attempt this at home. No clients were harmed in the making of this post. This disclaimer was copied and modified without permission. Substantial penalty for early withdrawal. Member FDIC.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on April 09, 2008, 07:34:33 AM
Judging Others

An elephant asked a camel,
'Why are your breasts on your back?'


'Well,' says the camel,
'I think that's a strange question
from somebody whose wiener is on his face.'

 >:D >:D >:D >:D >:D >:D

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on April 10, 2008, 01:11:12 AM
What happened to the joke I posted?

guess !!  :-*

Why'd it get delete for? It wasn't bad at all ??? ???

c'mon Gilly!

don't worry about it and don't be discouraged from posting more jokes !!  ::wave:: ::wave::



http://www.chickenwingscomics.com/forum/index.php?topic=3.0 (http://www.chickenwingscomics.com/forum/index.php?topic=3.0)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on April 10, 2008, 08:48:52 PM
Alrighty I'll post another one.

A priest, a Rabbi, and a Chicken walk into a bar. When they get in they see a gorilla and two women. So they....

Wait that one's pretty bad, can't tell that one ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: airtac on April 10, 2008, 11:01:19 PM
...
..................................................so the rabbi says "father, you can't do that to her with a chicken because gorilla isn't kosher !!!!!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHA---Thanks, I'd forgotten that one--- ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on April 10, 2008, 11:25:08 PM
...
..................................................so the rabbi says "father, you can't do that to her with a chicken because gorilla isn't kosher !!!!!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHA---Thanks, I'd forgotten that one--- ::rofl::

BWAAAHHHHAAAAHHAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!! I just made that up!! Now it's a real joke!!! ::rofl:: ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: airtac on April 11, 2008, 02:13:03 AM
...
..................................................so the rabbi says "father, you can't do that to her with a chicken because gorilla isn't kosher !!!!!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHA---Thanks, I'd forgotten that one--- ::rofl::

BWAAAHHHHAAAAHHAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!! I just made that up!! Now it's a real joke!!! ::rofl:: ::rofl::
ME TOO, you insane chicken plucker..................... ::rofl::  now let Soccermom or Gman fill in the juicy part...................... ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: TheSoccerMom on April 11, 2008, 02:26:07 AM
Mooo-ooom!  Airtac's trying to get me in trouble again!!!!

 :D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on April 11, 2008, 02:38:33 AM
ME TOO, you insane chicken plucker..................... ::rofl::  now let Soccermom or Gman fill in the juicy part...................... ::rofl::

Juicy part.. ::whistle:: ::whistle::Here ya go---or should this go in the "TSA Chicken Nipple" thread:

(http://i76.photobucket.com/albums/j35/helokat/funnies/010307011614010412200804060f3603835.jpg)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: TheSoccerMom on April 11, 2008, 02:41:30 AM
Okay, that does it...   ::complaining:

You need a fire so badly, I'm just gettin' the last of the gas, diesel and drip torches in the truck, and I'm-a headin' for Hola-Lola-Rolla TONIGHT.

It's a sad thing to see a grown man go off the deep end. 

 ::banghead::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on April 11, 2008, 02:44:31 AM
Okay, that does it...   ::complaining:

You need a fire so badly, I'm just gettin' the last of the gas, diesel and drip torches in the truck, and I'm-a headin' for Hola-Lola-Rolla TONIGHT.

It's a sad thing to see a grown man go off the deep end. 

 ::banghead::

Come on down--we'll keep a bottle CAN opener handy for ya.. we know about you switch you cans at midnight--something to do with that whole "bottle ta throttle" stuff. ::rofl:: ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: TheSoccerMom on April 11, 2008, 03:46:19 AM
Ohh those little devils....

letting my secret out....     ::complaining:

 ::banghead::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on April 11, 2008, 05:11:29 PM
 ::) ::) ::)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on April 12, 2008, 12:01:28 AM
also seems like somebody thought that the grass was greener on the other side . . . .

It's actually a good ground lesson.....
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Fabo on April 13, 2008, 10:02:17 PM
Perfect, can you mail it to me? Thanks a lot :D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on April 23, 2008, 10:56:38 PM
And everyone laughed when I said I was joining the Cheer squad.. ::whistle:: ::whistle::

(http://i76.photobucket.com/albums/j35/helokat/funnies/cheer.jpg)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: gibbo_335 on April 24, 2008, 12:44:58 AM
Married Life
Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men....that night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over their eyes.

After a few days they meet again.....

The engaged girlfriend said: 'The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4' stilettos and mask. He said, 'You are the woman of my life, I love you...then we made love all night long.'

The mistress stated: 'Oh Yes! The other night we met in the office. I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say a word. We just had wild love all night.'

The married one then said: 'The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mothers for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes. My husband came in from work, grabbed the TV remote and a beer, and said, 'Hey Batman, what's for dinner?'  ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on April 24, 2008, 12:53:25 AM
also seems like somebody thought that the grass was greener on the other side . . . .

It's actually a good ground lesson.....

This reminds me of something I read on another forum,

Quote
Remember, if the Grass on the other side of the fence looks greener, its because nobody is picking up the dog doo and it needs to be mowed more often.
    ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: PiperGirl on April 24, 2008, 07:17:23 PM
Subject: New Element discovered: .....

Research has led to the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second to take from four days to four years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 6 years; It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on April 24, 2008, 07:50:45 PM
A married man left work early one Friday, but instead of going
 home, he spent the weekend partying with the boys.   When he finally returned home on Sunday night, his wife really got on his case and stayed on it.
   
   After a few of hours of swearing and screaming, his wife paused
 and pointed at him and made him an offer. "How would you like it if
 you didn't see me for a couple of days?".....
   
   The husband couldn't believe his luck, so he looked up, smiled
 and said,"That would suit me just fine!!"
   
   Monday went by, and the man didn't see his wife.
   
   Tuesday and Wednesday went by and he still didn't see her.
   
   Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her
 a little out of the corner of his left eye...
 ::eek:: ::eek:: ::eek:: ::eek:: ::eek:: ::eek::
 ::unbelieveable:: ::unbelieveable:: ::unbelieveable:: ::unbelieveable:: ::unbelieveable:: ::unbelieveable::
 :o :o :o :o :o :o
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on April 29, 2008, 02:09:32 PM
Not me--Not guilty  ::whistle:: ::whistle:: found this in my archives:

My friends are fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be something akin to, "hey y'all, hold my martooni and watch this!" Well, I have outdone myself once again. No doubt you will see this true story chronicled in a Lifetime movie in the near future. Here goes.

Last weekend I spied something at the local Pistol and Pawn that tickled my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled for a guy) . I had gone into the Market to pick up some milk yesterday and I bought a super ball in the checkout line--50 cents. What a bargain! It tickled my fancy--still does. That thing bounces soooooo high, and it has provided me with hours of entertainment. It just doesn't get any better than that, now does it? I'm so easily distracted. That dang super ball is so much fun.

So what were we talking about? Oh yeah, I bought something really cool at the Pistol and Pawn last Saturday. The occasion was my 44th birthday and I was looking for a little something extra cool. What I came across was a 100,000 volt, pocket/purse sized Tazer gun with a clip.

For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle eyed, muscle twitching, whimpering, pencil neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly missing out--way too cool!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin' directions), I found, much to my chagrin, that this particular model would not create an arc between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arc of electricity, and a loud pop!!! Yipeeeeee . . . I'm easily amused.:)~

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, etc., etc. There I sat in my recliner, my kitty Stevie looking on intently (trusting little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not Stevie), and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping Stevie for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet kitty, after all. But, if I was going to use this thing to protect myself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA a batteries) thinking to myself, "no f**kin way!" F**k way--trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed. I'm sitting there alone, Stevie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it daddy," reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?). I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it. (Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight--always 20/20. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?) I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and Holy Sh**! DAMN!!!

I'm pretty sure that Jesse Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. Stevie was standing over me making whimpering sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again daddy, do it again!" (Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like yours truly.)

SON-OF-A-B**** that hurt!!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. +/- an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure. By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm offering a reward

I know.....I can just see me doing this now.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: airtac on April 29, 2008, 07:18:06 PM
I"ve seen that story before and I can't help but think it's an exageration (little ole bitty AAA batteries can't do that!)---been toying with the idea of actually trying it just to verify that---however, haven't figured out WHAT or WHO to try it on!!!!!
I'm way to chicken to try it on my self---HMMMMMMMM--wonder if a beerfest at the tanker base might bring out some of the macho guys on the helitac crew ;D
Not gonna try talking one of the gals into doing it----be too embarrassing getting my butt kicked by a girl ::eek::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on April 29, 2008, 08:07:03 PM
I"ve seen that story before and I can't help but think it's an exageration (little ole bitty AAA batteries can't do that!)---been toying with the idea of actually trying it just to verify that---however, haven't figured out WHAT or WHO to try it on!!!!!
I'm way to chicken to try it on my self---HMMMMMMMM--wonder if a beerfest at the tanker base might bring out some of the macho guys on the helitac crew ;D
Not gonna try talking one of the gals into doing it----be too embarrassing getting my butt kicked by a girl ::eek::

Ya know-- ::thinking:: ::thinking:: I bet S'mom could shame some of her "boys" into trying it.. ::whistle:: ::whistle:: They would be lining up to beat their chests and prove their manhood.. I bet she could even convince them to try it their "boys" ::rofl:: ::rofl::

So here is another one making the orunds right now:

Sir:

I am D. J. Baker and I would appreciate it if you could tell me what it takes to be an F-16 fighter pilot in the USAF. What classes should I take in high school to help the career I want to take later in life?

What could I do to get into the Air Force Academy?

Sincerely,

DJ Baker

*********************************************>
From: Van Wickler, Kenneth, Lt Col, HQ AETC

Anybody in our outfit want to help this poor kid from Cyberspace?

LTC Van Wickler
**********************************************P>
A worldly and jaded C-130 pilot, Major Hunter Mills, rises to the task of answering the young man's letter.
**********************************************P>

Dear DJ,
Obviously, through no fault of your own, your young, impressionable brain has been poisoned by the superfluous, hyped-up, "Top Gun" media portrayal of fighter pilots.

Unfortunately, this portrayal could not be further from the truth. In my experience, I've found most fighter pilots pompous, backstabbing, momma's boys with inferiority complexes, as well as being extremely over-rated aeronautically. However, rather than dash your budding dreams of becoming a USAF pilot, I offer the following alternative:

What you really want to aspire to is the exciting, challenging and rewarding world of TACTICAL AIRLIFT. And this, young DJ, means one thing, the venerable workhorse, the C-130! I can guarantee no fighter pilot can brag that he has led a 12-ship formation down a valley at 300 feet above the ground, with the navigator leading the way and trying to interpret an alternate route to the drop zone, avoiding pop-up threats, and coordinating with AWACS, all while eating a box lunch with the engineer in the back relieving himself and the loadmaster puking in his trash can!

I tell you DJ, TAC Airlift is where it's at! Where else is it legal to throw tanks, HUMV's, and other crap out the back of an airplane, and not even worry about it when the chute doesn't open and it torpedoes the General's staff car! Nowhere else can you land on a 3000 foot dirt strip, kick a bunch of ammo and stuff out on the ramp without stopping, then takeoff again before range control can call to tell you that you've landed on the wrong LZ! And talk about exotic travel; when C-130s go somewhere, they GO somewhere (usually for 3 months, unfortunately). This gives you the opportunity to immerse yourself in the local culture long enough to give the locals a bad taste in their mouths regarding the USAF and Americans in general, not something those C-141 Stratolifter pilots can do from their airport hotel rooms!

As far as recommendations for your course of study, I offer these:

1. Take a lot of math courses. You'll need all the advanced math skills you can muster to enable you to calculate per diem rates around the world, and when trying to split up the crew's bar tab so that the co-pilot really believes he owes 85% of the whole thing and the navigator believes he owes the other 20%.

2. Health sciences are important, too. You will need a thorough knowledge of biology to make those educated guesses of how much longer you can drink beer before the tremendous case of the G.I.'s catches up to you from that meal you ate at the place that had the really good belly dancers in some God-forsaken foreign country whose name you can't even pronounce.

3. Social studies are also beneficial. It is important for a good TAC Airlifter to have the cultural knowledge to be able to ascertain the exact location of the nearest topless bar in any country in the world, then be able to convince the local authorities to release the loadmaster after he offends every sensibility of the local religion and culture.

4. A foreign language is helpful but not required. You will never be able to pronounce the names of the NAVAIDs in France, and it's much easier to ignore them and to go where you want to anyway. As a rule of thumb: waiters and bellhops in France are always called "Pierre", in Spain it's "Hey, Pedro" and in Italy, of course, it's "Mario". These terms of address also serve in other countries interchangeably, depending on the level of suaveness of the addressee.

5. A study of geography is paramount. You will need to know the basic location of all the places you've been when you get back from your TDY and are ready to stick those little pins in that huge world map you've got taped to your living room wall, right next to the giant wooden giraffe statue and beer stein collection.

Well, DJ, I hope this little note inspires you. And by the way, forget about the Academy thing. All TAC Airlifters know that there are waaay too few women and too little alcohol there to provide a well-balanced education. A nice, big state college or the Naval Academy would be a much better choice.

Hunter Mills,

Major USAF
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Oddball on April 29, 2008, 09:09:22 PM
"Ya know--   I bet S'mom could shame some of her "boys" into trying it..   They would be lining up to beat their chests and prove their manhood.. I bet she could even convince them to try it their "boys" "

how do you think S'Mom gets them on/off her Twotter!!  ::rofl:: ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on April 29, 2008, 10:55:19 PM
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.
 
Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."
 
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.
 
"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on April 29, 2008, 11:03:39 PM
A doctor at an (insane) asylum decided to take his inmates to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well.

As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up nuts!"

And the inmates complied by standing up. After the anthem he yelled, "Down nuts!" And they all sat.

After a home run he yelled, "Cheer nuts!" And they all broke into applause and cheers.

Thinking things were going very well, he decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge.

When he returned there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, he asked what happened.

The assistant replied, "Well... everything was fine until some guy walked by and yelled, 'PEANUTS!'"
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on April 30, 2008, 11:43:04 AM
 New Corvette


A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership.

Taking off down the road he accelerated to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

'Amazing,' he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the Highway Patrol behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He accelerated to 100 mph, then 110, then 120.

Suddenly he thought, 'What am I doing? I'm too old for this,' and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, 'Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go.

The old gentleman paused, then said, 'Years ago, my wife ran off with a trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.'

'Have a good day, Sir,' replied the trooper.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: TheSoccerMom on April 30, 2008, 09:56:27 PM
"Ya know--   I bet S'mom could shame some of her "boys" into trying it..   They would be lining up to beat their chests and prove their manhood.. I bet she could even convince them to try it their "boys" "

how do you think S'Mom gets them on/off her Twotter!!  ::rofl:: ::rofl::

Man, you guys are trying to get me in TROUBLE!  NO WAY!   :D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on April 30, 2008, 11:31:48 PM

"Ya know--   I bet S'mom could shame some of her "boys" into trying it..   They would be lining up to beat their chests and prove their manhood.. I bet she could even convince them to try it on their "boys" "

Man, you guys are trying to get me in TROUBLE!  NO WAY!   :D

Ahhhh C'mon Mom, where is your sense of adventure--I can just see the headlines on CNN--"Testicular Tazer Strikes Again"  ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on May 01, 2008, 10:48:15 PM
Results of a recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex .  ;D

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex.

* This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone , and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex.

* This is when you have been with your partner for a short time , and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex.

* This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine , and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex

* This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say 'screw you.'

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex .

* Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex.

* This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And; Last, but not least,

The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex.

* You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy yourself.

PLEASE DO NOT REPLY TO TELL ME WHAT STAGE YOU ARE IN.

I have enough problems of my own.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: airtac on May 01, 2008, 11:57:07 PM
Gee, that pretty much categorizes me--------------------------- :-[ :'(
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: PiperGirl on May 02, 2008, 07:33:37 PM
Not sure if this has been posted before... But I'm blond so I can post it  ;D ;D ;D ;D

A blonde went to a flight school insisting she wanted to learn to fly that day. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her on how to pilot the helicopter solo by radio.

He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics, and sent her on her way.

After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this."

After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was becoming to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in.

A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage. When he asked what happened, she said: "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can't remember anything after I turned off the big fan..."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: AirScorp on May 03, 2008, 02:12:26 AM
 ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on May 03, 2008, 07:21:15 AM
guys, check this out!

Elmo towards the end is AWESOME!!   ::rofl:: ::rofl::

*warning, includes censored material*

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-DDcUsKbmVY&NR=1 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-DDcUsKbmVY&NR=1)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: madpilot44 on May 03, 2008, 09:14:50 AM

Well, DJ, I hope this little note inspires you. And by the way, forget about the Academy thing. All TAC Airlifters know that there are waaay too few women and too little alcohol there to provide a well-balanced education. A nice, big state college or the Naval Academy would be a much better choice.

Hunter Mills,

Major USAF


Aw, come on! now you tell me!!!

However, unfortunately it is true...
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Oddball on May 03, 2008, 03:50:17 PM
guys, check this out!

Elmo towards the end is AWESOME!!   ::rofl:: ::rofl::

*warning, includes censored material*

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-DDcUsKbmVY&NR=1 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-DDcUsKbmVY&NR=1)


I'm shocked,stunned and upset that Elmo could use such language. My world has come to an end. i always thought it would of been big bird who could swear like a Regimental Sarn't Major  ::unbelieveable:: ::eek:: ::loony:: ::complaining:
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: airtac on May 03, 2008, 04:03:51 PM
Imagine that, Elmo talking like that to a *#%*##g toddler, the son*&%#*# should be shot with a ball of S#*t for being a f*#*@*# foulmouth ::unbelieveable::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: airtac on May 05, 2008, 04:57:06 AM


Two redneck farmers, Jim and Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar,
drinking beer.

Jim turns to Bob and says, 'You know, I'm tired of going through life
without an education.

Tomorrow I think I'll go to the community college, and sign up for
some classes.'
Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.

The next day, Jim goes down to the college and meets the Dean of
Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math,
English, history, and Logic.

'Logic?' Jim says. 'What's that?'

The Dean says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?'

'Yeah.'

'Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that
you would have a yard.'

'That's true, I do have a yard.'

'I'm not done,' the dean says. 'Because you have a yard, I think
logically that you would have a house.'

'Yes, I do have a house.'

And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a
family.'

'Yes, I have a family.'

I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must
have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must
be a heterosexual.'

'I am a heterosexual. That's amazing; you were able to find out all of
that because I have a weed eater.'

Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the Dean's hand and leaves
to go meet Bob at the bar. He tells Bob about his classes, how he is
signed up for Math , English, History, and Logic.

'Logic?' Bob says, 'What's that?'

Jim says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?'

'No.'

'Then you're a queer.





Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on May 05, 2008, 08:08:23 PM
STRANGE BREW: BUSINESSMAN COMBINES AVIATION, BEER MAKING
Sometimes things in life come together in mysterious ways. Ben Cook of Redlands, Calif., managed to capitalize on flying and beer drinking, two typically incompatible endeavors, at least when done less than eight hours apart. Lately he's been working ridiculous hours, toiling away in a warehouse building near Redlands Municipal Airport. With all the plumbing, chemicals, and strange noises emanating from the 4,640-square-foot facility, you'd think he was building a spacecraft. Instead, welcome to the Hangar 24 Craft Brewery. Read more on AOPA Online.


A brewery at an airport??!?
Can this be?!
sounds too good to be true.....

http://www.hangar24brewery.com/ (http://www.hangar24brewery.com/)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on May 05, 2008, 08:10:07 PM
STRANGE BREW: BUSINESSMAN COMBINES AVIATION, BEER MAKING
Sometimes things in life come together in mysterious ways. Ben Cook of Redlands, Calif., managed to capitalize on flying and beer drinking, two typically incompatible endeavors, at least when done less than eight hours apart. Lately he's been working ridiculous hours, toiling away in a warehouse building near Redlands Municipal Airport. With all the plumbing, chemicals, and strange noises emanating from the 4,640-square-foot facility, you'd think he was building a spacecraft. Instead, welcome to the Hangar 24 Craft Brewery. Read more on AOPA Online.


A brewery at an airport??!?
Can this be?!
sounds too good to be true.....

http://www.hangar24brewery.com/ (http://www.hangar24brewery.com/)

I wonder if he has a daughter.. ::whistle:: ::whistle:: Just to make life complete ::whistle:: ::whistle::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on May 05, 2008, 09:39:33 PM
Hey, John McCain is married to an heiress of a Beer Distributorship.  Vote for JMcC and get more Free Beer!   ::drinking:: ::drinking:: ::drinking:: ::drinking::

Works for me...   ::whistle:: ::whistle:: ::whistle::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on May 05, 2008, 10:05:20 PM
Reintarnation: definition
Coming back to life as a hillbilly 
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: airtac on May 06, 2008, 02:33:26 AM
Hey, John McCain is married to an heiress of a Beer Distributorship.  Vote for JMcC and get more Free Beer!   ::drinking:: ::drinking:: ::drinking:: ::drinking::

Works for me...   ::whistle:: ::whistle:: ::whistle::
Well let's see, the Democrats are trying to figure out which "do nothing lawyer" to finally put on the ballot while the Republicans have a genuine war hero who's married to a beautiful woman with large boobs who OWNS a beer distributorship----I call that divine intervention--- ::bow:: I'm afraid the choice was made for me...........
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: gibbo_335 on May 06, 2008, 05:15:33 AM
STRANGE BREW: BUSINESSMAN COMBINES AVIATION, BEER MAKING
Sometimes things in life come together in mysterious ways. Ben Cook of Redlands, Calif., managed to capitalize on flying and beer drinking, two typically incompatible endeavors, at least when done less than eight hours apart. Lately he's been working ridiculous hours, toiling away in a warehouse building near Redlands Municipal Airport. With all the plumbing, chemicals, and strange noises emanating from the 4,640-square-foot facility, you'd think he was building a spacecraft. Instead, welcome to the Hangar 24 Craft Brewery. Read more on AOPA Online.


A brewery at an airport??!?
Can this be?!
sounds too good to be true.....

http://www.hangar24brewery.com/ (http://www.hangar24brewery.com/)

WELL....looks like I have to add another place that I MUST  see and  ::drinking:: at before I die  ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on May 07, 2008, 12:40:39 AM
Reintarnation: definition
Coming back to life as a hillbilly 

Ah Resemble that remark!   >:D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: airtac on May 07, 2008, 04:00:06 PM
NOW I GET IT!!!--- :D

> I became confused when I heard these terms which reference the word 'service'.
>
> Internal Revenue 'Service'
> U.S. Postal 'Service'
> Telephone 'Service'
> T.V. 'Service'
> Civil 'Service'
> City & County Public 'Service'
> Customer 'Service'
>
> This is not what I thought 'service' meant.  But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'service' a few cows. BAM!!!  Then it all came into perspective. I now understand what all those 'service' agencies are doing to us.
>
> I hope you are as enlightened as I am.
>
>
>
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on May 09, 2008, 12:01:19 AM
A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said,
"I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards." 

The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?"

"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon."

"Oh, OK!" said the blonde.

She thought about it for a moment
and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.

The trucker asked, "What are the beans for Blondie?"

She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!"
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on May 09, 2008, 12:01:45 AM
The car gets a flat on the interstate one day. The blonde driver eases it over onto the shoulder of the road, carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk and she takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic. The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies and private parts to approaching drivers.

 
Not surprisingly, the traffic becomes snarled and backed up.

 
It isn't very long before a police car arrives. The officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What's going on here?"

 
"My car broke down, officer" says the woman calmly

 
"Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?" he asks.

 
"Helllooooooo!!!!" says the blonde. "Those are my emergency flashers!"
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on May 13, 2008, 02:34:03 AM
WHY SENTENCE STRUCTURE IS IMPORTANT

The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack.

It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The boss approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done this before but I have to lay you or Jack off."

"Could you jack off?" she says. "I feel like sh*t."

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on May 14, 2008, 10:19:03 PM
This reminds me of the FAA somehow....

A Department of Water representative stopped at a ranch and talked
with an old rancher.
He told the rancher, 'I need to inspect your ranch for your water
allocation.'
The old rancher said, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'
The Water representative said, 'Mister, I have the authority of the
Federal Government with me.
See this card? The card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on
any agricultural land.
No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you
understand?' The old rancher nodded politely and went about his
chores.
Later, the old rancher heard loud screams and saw the Water Rep
running  for the fence.....and close behind was the rancher's bull.
The bull was gaining on the
Water Rep with every step.The Rep was clearly terrified...... so the
old rancher immediately threw down his tools, ran to the fence and
shouted out.....
 
'Your card! Your card! Show him your card!'
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: gibbo_335 on May 14, 2008, 10:36:16 PM
HA HA HA HA HA Mike  ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on May 15, 2008, 03:40:27 AM
A lady walks into Tiffany's. She browses around and sees a beautiful diamond bracelet.
As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident.
As she turns around,her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing
right behind her .
Displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady, 'Good
day, Madam. How may we help you today?'
Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman didn't witness her little 'accident',
she asks, 'Sir,what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'
He answers, 'Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to shit when I tell you the price.'
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on May 15, 2008, 04:05:39 AM
LMFAO, G-Man!!!   ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl::

I'm gonna have to email that to all my rude buddies!   >:D >:D >:D |:)\ |:)\ |:)\

Yanno something, G?  You're a real "Gasser"!!!  <EG>

RC
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: PiperGirl on May 15, 2008, 12:23:37 PM
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in DC: 
One is from New York , another is from Tennessee and the third is from
Florida  .
All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.
The  Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.  "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run  about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for  my crew and $100 profit for me."
The  Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300  for materials, $300 for my crew and $100  profit for me." 
The New York contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the 
White House official and whispers,  "$2,700."
The official, incredulous,  says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"
The New York contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me,  $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."
"Done!" replies the  government official.

And that, my friends, is how government contracting works! 
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: PiperGirl on May 15, 2008, 12:34:06 PM
A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the
Pearly Gates,
  He saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.  He asked, 'What are all those
Clocks?'
 
  St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a
Lie-Clock.
  Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move.'
 
  'Oh,' said the man, 'whose clock is that?'
 
  'That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she
Never told a lie.'
 
  'Incredible,' said the man. 'And whose clock is that one?'
 
  St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved
Twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire Life.'
 
  'Where's  Hillary Clinton's  clock?' asked the man.
 
  'Hillary's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan.'
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on May 18, 2008, 01:28:14 PM
And now we all know:  ::whistle:: ::whistle:: ::whistle:: ::whistle::

(http://sjdrimages.com/Mb/UserUploads/aFVh8LKxw6Y726.jpg)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: airtac on May 18, 2008, 02:15:40 PM
Thanks Gordy, that sure cleared up a major issue for me-----revelation of such data makes me emotional :'(

*sigh* one less uncertainty..................
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on May 18, 2008, 02:52:50 PM
Dang, Gordy.  At this time of the morning on a Sunday, I'd expect you to be out fishing!   ::whistle:: ::whistle:: ::whistle:: ::whistle::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Oddball on May 18, 2008, 03:05:00 PM
rather be out flying.....and i was  ;D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on May 18, 2008, 04:49:54 PM
Found this in a bluebox

Foul ball(s)?  ::whistle:: ::whistle:: ::whistle::

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on May 18, 2008, 09:35:08 PM
http://www.evtv1.com/player.aspx?itemnum=11813&aid=
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: airtac on May 20, 2008, 03:12:58 PM





Subject: THE CHICKEN



BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The chicken wanted CHANGE!


JOHN McCAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.


HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure -- right from Day One! -- that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me...


GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.


COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road...


ANDERSON COOPER - CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.


JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it. DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE'of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems.


OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.


NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in hiseyes and the way he walks.


PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.


MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.


DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.


ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain. Alone.


JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth? That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.


GRANDPA AIRTAC:  In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.


BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.


ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.


JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.


BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of the Chicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra... #R&^*^(!.... Reboot.


ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?


BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?


AL GORE: I invented the chicken!


COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?


DICK CHENEY: Where 's my gun?


AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.


STEFAN & MIKE:  We'll just draw him on the other side.


ROOSTER CRUISER: I'll run over the little  b#*#!%d  if he tries crossing.




 

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Oddball on May 20, 2008, 04:41:55 PM
was Hilary Clinton under fire while she helped the chicken cross the road?
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on May 20, 2008, 07:13:25 PM
Yeah..Like this is really going to give me a reason to give up drinking.. ::whistle:: ::drinking:: ::drinking::

(http://i76.photobucket.com/albums/j35/helokat/untitled.jpg)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: TheSoccerMom on May 20, 2008, 07:26:11 PM
Aww, c'mon G-Man....

those wild ladies look to be just your type!!!!!!!!!   :D

 :D


 :D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: airtac on May 23, 2008, 02:32:03 PM
Once upon a time there was this scud running Bucker pilot caught by nightfall's rapid approach with commensurately dwindling visibility, better find a field FAST! Our intrepid aviator at the last minute gets a glimpse of a field of new mown hay thru a hole in the clouds.

Relieved at his good fortune, he lands and taxis up to the nearby Farmhouse. The farmer comes out onto the front porch and sez, "You can spend the nite in the barn, but stay away from my daughter." As he laid down, starting to doze off, said daughter brought him a plate of supper. The conversation led to romance and the farmer's number one rule was broken.

As dawn broke our hero got long gone. Some seven years later, the pilot passed over the farm and decided to land and pay a visit. However, as he approached the house he saw a six-year-old boy standing in the front yard with the object of his former passion. The daughter, sensing his question said, "Yes, this is your son."

"Why didn't you let me know, I would've done the right thing," he said.

The daughter then replied, "We discussed it, even prayed about it, but in the end we thought it was better to have a bastard in the family than a pilot."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on May 23, 2008, 11:33:18 PM
NICE!

I wonder now how my in-laws feel about me . . .  ::whistle::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: RagDragger on May 24, 2008, 02:23:44 AM
Ah, so that's why I can't get past the second date lately!  Now it all makes sense!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Oddball on May 24, 2008, 07:15:03 AM
this is a old email a friend of mine who lives some where in america sent me enjoy: Be sure to read to the end.

 

40 degrees- Californians shiver uncontrollably.

People in Scotland sunbathe.

 

35 degrees- Italian cars won't start.

People in Scotland drive with the windows down.

 

20 degrees- Floridians wear coats, gloves, and wool hats.

People in Scotland throw on a T-shirt.

 

15 degrees- Californians begin to evacuate the state.

People in Scotland go swimming.

 

Zero degrees- New York landlords finally turn up the heat.

People in Scotland have the last bbq before it gets cold.

 

10 degrees below zero- People in Miami cease to exist.

People in Scotland lick flagpoles.

 

20 degrees below zero- Californians fly away to Mexico.

People in Scotland throw on a light jacket.

 

80 degrees below zero- Polar bears begin to evacuate the Arctic.

Scottish Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets

cold enough.

 

100 degrees below zero- Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.

People in Scotland pull down their ear flaps.

 

173 degrees below zero- Ethyl alcohol freezes.

People in Scotland get frustrated when they can't thaw their kegs.

 

297 degrees below zero- Microbial life start to disappear.

Scottish cows complain of farmers with cold hands.

 

460 degrees below zero- ALL atomic motion stops.

People in Scotland start saying "chilly, you cald an aw?"

 

500 degrees below zero- Hell freezes over.

Scottish people support England in World Cup!!!!

 
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: airtac on May 24, 2008, 03:56:11 PM
The Average American
>   > A recent study conducted by Harvard University found that the average
>   > American walks about 900 miles a year.
>   >
>   > Another study by the American Medical Association found that
>   > Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.
>   >
>   > This means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon.
>   >
>   > Makes You Proud To Be An American.   |:)\
>
>   Want it to be known that pilots are not average in either catagory.   
>
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on May 27, 2008, 02:24:27 PM
Look at what I found--perfect for Soccermom and airtac ::whistle:: ::whistle::

(http://i76.photobucket.com/albums/j35/helokat/funnies/washaway.jpg)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on May 27, 2008, 02:38:34 PM
G-Man, where do you come up with this stuff???  LMAO!!!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on May 27, 2008, 03:07:53 PM
G-Man, where do you come up with this stuff???  LMAO!!!

Here--Been using the products for years.  ::whistle:: ::whistle:: ::drinking:: ::drinking::

http://washawayyoursins.com/

 ::whistle:: Purified and Moisturised ::whistle::

Actually I think this deserves its own thread..
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: TheSoccerMom on May 27, 2008, 04:53:19 PM
Here--Been using the products for years.  ::whistle:: ::whistle:: ::drinking:: ::drinking::

Hmmm.....    ::thinking::

Which means.....

they don't WORK.......    :D

 :D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Oddball on May 28, 2008, 11:47:21 AM
previous talk of rednecks got me thinking and looked  this one out from my Far side collection......
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: 4X-NTY on May 28, 2008, 12:11:36 PM
The new campaign of Israeli  Microsoft for recruiting new developers, and to think that some of those guys are the one who responsible for the most used operating system for PC...

(http://www.ynet.co.il/PicServer2/02012008/1492701/pnp_1_wh.jpg)

this sign is standing at the middle of the most known junctions in Israel,so,please tell me,dose p=np?
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Oddball on May 28, 2008, 03:27:23 PM
Is this the place  where your 'jumper's  learn S'Mom?
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: TheSoccerMom on May 29, 2008, 02:29:10 AM
Ha, I love that skydiving Far Side!!   ::rofl::

It might be better to learn next door to the Crocodile Farm....  talk about incentive.... 

Though, I dropped a bunch of little fires in Zion National Park one year, and THAT was some SERIOUS incentive not to miss....   ::unbelieveable::  They were landing on top of those incredible rock formations with the sheer cliffs on all sides.....  EEEEK!     ::eek::

 ::sweat::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on May 29, 2008, 03:15:46 AM
Ha, I love that skydiving Far Side!!   ::rofl::

It might be better to learn next door to the Crocodile Farm....  talk about incentive.... 

Though, I dropped a bunch of little fires in Zion National Park one year, and THAT was some SERIOUS incentive not to miss....   ::unbelieveable::  They were landing on top of those incredible rock formations with the sheer cliffs on all sides.....  EEEEK!     ::eek::

 ::sweat::

we should post the video about the icebear jumping in Region 8, huh?!  ;D
I'll see if I can find it on youtube...
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: TheSoccerMom on May 29, 2008, 03:37:29 AM
Mikey, what is that?   ???

I don't know what you are referring to....  but HEY!  Was I there?  Did I have FUN??    ::loony::

 :D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on May 29, 2008, 03:47:56 AM
Mikey, what is that?   ???

I don't know what you are referring to....  but HEY!  Was I there?  Did I have FUN??    ::loony::

 :D

here you go:

http://youtube.com/watch?v=CtL2EBM2qQU (http://youtube.com/watch?v=CtL2EBM2qQU)

always makes me think about your "kids"
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on May 29, 2008, 03:51:30 AM
Mikey, what is that?   ???

I don't know what you are referring to....  but HEY!  Was I there?  Did I have FUN??    ::loony::

 :D

here you go:

http://youtube.com/watch?v=CtL2EBM2qQU (http://youtube.com/watch?v=CtL2EBM2qQU)

always makes me think about your "kids"

That is friggin hilarious..  ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: TheSoccerMom on May 29, 2008, 04:04:03 AM
Ohhhh THAT one, YESSSS!  I remember that...  and you have NO idea how TRUE that is..... 

I'm sure I told you, but a few years ago we were real busy...  go - go - go, and we got a call to somewhere down by Vegas..  of course it was a zillion degrees in the shade, and there was one older, FUNNY guy on the load..  he just kills me, he is SO funny....  the guys all adore him because it can be the worst day in HELL, and he makes it fun.  I LOVE when he is on the load, then life is just fun...

Well, he was number 3 or 4 on the load, the fire was woofing away, and we went into jumping right off...  this guy was tightening up his gear to get ready when he realized he had shoved his glasses, his regular prescription glasses, down into his PG bag.  He thought "Aw, crap!" but then thought "Oh what the hell", that he could see good enough to jump onto a flat desert spot.

Well, the jump spot was FULL of cactus....  there was cactus, and cactus, and more cactus, like for a few hundred miles in every direction..  and a few days later on, this guy was laughing his loud, boisterous laugh back at the base and when I came up, it turned out he was telling his jump story from this fire:

"So!  I'm getting lower, maybe a few hundred feet up off the spot, and I KNOW that Joe and Bob are there already, so I'm looking for 'em, but then, HELL!  I see all these other people, all waving up at me..  I thought 'WHAT THE HELL'..?!?  Where did THEY all come from?  And of course I'm gettin' closer and these bozos are just STANDIN' there, WAVIN' at me, why the hell don't they get out of the WAY, when I get down and %$#%&$%$%, they're JOSHUA TREES!"

He barely made it through the biggest spiny obstacles and somehow only hit some smaller ones, but he thought those gnarly trees were PEOPLE, oh my gawwd, we laughed and laughed until we were sick, it was so damned funny....  of course for weeks after that, every time he walked by, the guys all stuck their arms out at odd angles and "waved" at him..... 

We laughed about that one for months...  well, obviously, we STILL are..... 

 ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Oddball on May 29, 2008, 06:59:42 AM
That vid was good mike  ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on May 29, 2008, 01:57:52 PM
Mikey, what is that?   ???

I don't know what you are referring to....  but HEY!  Was I there?  Did I have FUN??    ::loony::

 :D

here you go:

http://youtube.com/watch?v=CtL2EBM2qQU (http://youtube.com/watch?v=CtL2EBM2qQU)

always makes me think about your "kids"

BWAAAAAAAAAAAA  HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This video should be retitled, "Why there are no Skydiving Clubs in Baja California"!

 ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: TheSoccerMom on May 29, 2008, 06:35:41 PM
No lie!

Those cactus spines are IMPRESSIVE....  the guys even get impaled through their Kevlar suits...  one guy had polka-dotted hands and forearms after brushing a small cactus and he was digging out spine pieces for WEEKS afterward....  BUMMER!!!!   :o

 ::loony::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on May 29, 2008, 10:06:30 PM
Soccermom and Pipergirl -- never let it be said that I do not look after your very best interests.. ::whistle:: ::whistle::

(http://i76.photobucket.com/albums/j35/helokat/funnies/3rq28q1204672543.jpg)

Got a new on for ya'll..  ::whistle:: ::whistle::

Look closely:

(http://i76.photobucket.com/albums/j35/helokat/funnies/tanktop.jpg)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on May 30, 2008, 06:01:16 AM
Now that California is again allowing same-sex marriages:  The Latest scene at SFO City Hall...
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on May 30, 2008, 06:18:34 AM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on May 30, 2008, 01:46:43 PM
(http://i76.photobucket.com/albums/j35/helokat/funnies/Dictionary.jpg)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: TheSoccerMom on May 30, 2008, 06:36:32 PM
G-Man, we all just got a good laugh out of your personal ad dictionary....

So, c'mon, you can tell me...   how many of those lines have YOU used??

 ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on May 30, 2008, 07:35:48 PM
G-Man, we all just got a good laugh out of your personal ad dictionary....

So, c'mon, you can tell me...   how many of those lines have YOU used??

 ::rofl::

Ya know me--all but #11.  ::whistle:: ::whistle::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: TheSoccerMom on May 30, 2008, 08:37:48 PM
Haa haaaaaaaaaa,

I can't believe I had to CHECK TO SEE what #11 was..........  ach, mon!!!    ::bow::

Tee heeeeee.........

 :-*
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Oddball on May 31, 2008, 07:12:53 AM
was that S'Mom using a scot's phrase there?!!? (Ach Mon)  ::eek::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on June 01, 2008, 05:40:18 PM
TOP 25 Mom's have taught us

1. My mother taught me: TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
“If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.

2. My mother taught me: RELIGION.
“You better pray that will come out of the carpet.

3. My mother taught me: TIME TRAVEL.
“If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”

4. My mother taught me: LOGIC.
“ Because I said so, that’s why.

5. My mother taught me: MORE LOGIC.
“If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.

6. My mother taught me: FORESIGHT.
“Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.

7. My mother taught me: IRONY.
“Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
“Shut your mouth and eat your supper.

9. My mother taught me: CONTORTIONISM.
“Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
“You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.

11. My mother taught me: WEATHER.
“This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.

12. My mother taught me: HYPOCRISY.
“If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times, don’t exaggerate!”

13. My mother taught me: THE CIRCLE OF LIFE.
“I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .
“Stop acting like your father!”

15. My mother taught me: ENVY.
“There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do.

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
“Just wait until we get home.

17. My mother taught me: RECEIVING.
“You are going to get it when you get home!”

18. My mother taught me: MEDICAL SCIENCE.
“If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.

19. My mother taught me: ESP.
“Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?”

20. My mother taught me: HUMOUR.
“When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.

21. My mother taught me: HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
“If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.

22. My mother taught me: GENETICS.
“I swear to God you’re just like your father.

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
“Shut that door behind you, do you think you were born in a barn?”

24. My mother taught me: WISDOM.
“When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.

25. And my favorite: My MOTHER TAUGHT ME ABOUT JUSTICE.
“One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Frank N. O. on June 02, 2008, 02:26:22 AM
While surfing thrue my semi-unsorted collection of links to webcomics I found one posting pictures of a horse-riding trip she'd had and one of the pictures showed one of the others riding a very big horse and under the picture, the end of the caption read (speaking about the horse): She calls him Gordy because he's a pig, but he's such a sweetheart.
If I wasn't somewhat fatigued from sleeping in a 30C hot room under the covers then I would've laughed out loud :D

Frank
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on June 02, 2008, 02:35:38 AM
She calls him Gordy because he's a pig, but he's such a sweetheart.

Thats what all the girls say about me-- C'mon Franky--Post a link.. It'd be rude not to  ::whistle:: ::whistle::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: TheSoccerMom on June 02, 2008, 02:37:27 AM
Ha ha that's a good one...  I used to work with a pilot named Gordy, and the other guys called him Gordo, for 'the large one', and of course, he was the skinniest guy within 50 miles...!!!  Haaaa.....   :D

 :D

 :D
Title: Political Correctness
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on June 03, 2008, 04:28:41 AM
I believe this may have been posted before in here, but I had to share it with y'all anyway:

Quote
The following is the winning entry from an annual contest at Texas A&M University calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term. This year's term was "Political Correctness".

The winner wrote:

 "Political Correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Frank N. O. on June 03, 2008, 11:57:52 PM
She calls him Gordy because he's a pig, but he's such a sweetheart.

Thats what all the girls say about me-- C'mon Franky--Post a link.. It'd be rude not to  ::whistle:: ::whistle::

Ok, just over halfway down the page http://arienna.livejournal.com/66140.html#cutid1

Mary (and others): Does the name Gordy have a special meaning in english-speaking countries with regards to character/behaviour? I first thought it was just the comic-artist from the link that used it like that but with Mary's post it seems like it's a common known thing(?)

Frank
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on June 04, 2008, 02:29:58 AM
Does the name Gordy have a special meaning in english-speaking countries with regards to character/behaviour?

Why yes indeedy--I believe it means humourus, amourous, trustworthy, good looking, studly, be rude to not date if you are a blond buxom thang etc..  ::whistle:: ::whistle:: Thats why my parents gave me that name.. ::whistle:: ::whistle::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: TheSoccerMom on June 04, 2008, 02:51:42 AM
Hmmm....   ::thinking::

I always thought Gordo meant 'fat' or 'large', but I sure like G-Man's description better!!  Not REAL sure about that "trustworthy" part, though...

I mean, after all, you're in a HELICOPTER....   ::whistle::         ::whistle::

 ::whistle::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on June 04, 2008, 02:57:48 AM
Hmmm....   ::thinking::
I sure like G-Man's description better!!  ::whistle::     

See what IU mean Franky--Women drool over me and kids--well:

(http://i76.photobucket.com/albums/j35/helokat/funnies/Gordy.jpg)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: TheSoccerMom on June 04, 2008, 03:18:58 AM
And you don't have a decal of that plastered on your machine back by the N-number??!??!??! 

Shame on you, Squealy-Gordy!!    ::rofl::

 ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on June 04, 2008, 03:24:20 AM
And you don't have a decal of that plastered on your machine back by the N-number??!??!??! 


Well not yet--but that gives me an idea??  ::whistle:: ::thinking:: ::whistle::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: TheSoccerMom on June 04, 2008, 03:50:18 AM
I LIKE it!!!    ::rofl::

 ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on June 04, 2008, 04:45:48 AM
Ya just can't make this stuff up!!
 
When southern Florida resident Nathan Radlich's house was burglarized recently, thieves ignored his wide screen plasma TV, his VCR, and even left his Rolex watch. What they did take, however, was 'a generic white cardboard box filled with a grayish-white powder.' (That's at least the way the police report described it.)
 A spokesman for the Fort Lauderdale police said, 'that it looked similar to high grade cocaine and they'd probably thought they'd hit the big time.' Later, Nathan stood in front of the numerous TV cameras and pleaded with the burglars : 'Please return the cremated remains of my sister, Gertrude. She died three years ago.'
 
The next morning, the bullet-riddled corpse of a local drug dealer known as Hoochie Pevens was found on Nathan's doorstep. The cardboard box was there too; about half of Gertrude's ashes remained. Scotch taped to the box was this note which said: 'Hoochie sold us the bogus blow, so we wasted Hoochie. Sorry we snorted your sister. No hard feelings. Have a nice day

 ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: airtac on June 04, 2008, 06:06:29 AM
"Sorry we snorted your sister?"-------------------yep, just can't make up stuff like that.......................... ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on June 04, 2008, 06:49:54 AM
"...No hard feelings.  Have a nice day."  Now THAT'S the part that got to me!  What a nice way to end the note you tape to the body of the dope dealer that you just dropped off on the front porch after you whack him for selling you someone's ashes trying to pass it off as Coke!   ::loony:: ::eek:: ::unbelieveable:: ::rofl:: ::silly::

You can see just how nice a bunch of people are involved in the illegal Drug trade in the USA, can't you?   ::thinking::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: airtac on June 04, 2008, 02:08:56 PM
Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of
the night. Mick, the bartender, says 'You'll not be drinking any more
tonight, Paddy.'


Paddy replies 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then'. Paddy spins around on
his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. 'What the....' he
says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.


He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face again.
'Dang!' he says.


He looks to the doorway and thinks that if he can just get to the door
and get some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and
shimmies up the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a
deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto
the pavement and falls flat on his face.

'B'Jesus... I'm soused,' he says.


He can see his house just a few doors down, and decides to try for it.
He crawls down the street and shimmies up the door frame, opens the
door and looks inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says, 'No
flappin' way.'


But he somehow crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and thinks, 'I
think
I can make it to the bed.' He takes a step into the room and falls
flat on his face again. He says, 'This is awful. I gotta stop
drinking,' but manages to crawl to the bed and fall in.


The next morning, his wife comes into the room carrying a cup of
coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last
night?'

Paddy says, 'I did Jess. I was totally smashed. But how'd you know?'



 'Mick called.. You left your wheelchair at the pub.'
 

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: TheSoccerMom on June 04, 2008, 04:43:53 PM
Ohhh Daddy, you made me laugh!!!!!!!!!!!!

I wish my old Montana buddy (who as in a wheelchair for 45+ years) was still around...  he'd love this one!!!    ;)

 ;)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on June 06, 2008, 11:04:22 PM
    David  Bissonette 
    When  a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him  keep her. 


Sacha  Guitry
 After  marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just  can't face each other, but still they stay together. 

By  all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you  get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

     
>     Socrates
    Woman  inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. 

>      Dumas 
The great question... which I have not  been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want? 
   
>      Sigmund  Freud
>     I had some words with my wife, and  she had some paragraphs with me. 

>     Anonymous 
>     "Some  people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to  a restaurant two times a     week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft  music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." 

>       Sam  Kinison
>     "There's a way of transferring funds  that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called  marriage." 

 Holt McGavran
>     "I've  had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second  one didn't." 

>         Patrick  Murray
>     Two secrets to keep your marriage  brimming
>     1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
>     2. Whenever  you're right, shut up. 

>         Nash 
>     The most effective way to remember your  wife's birthday is to forget it once... 

>     Anonymous 
>     You  know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. 
 
>     Henny  Youngman
>     My  wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. 
 
>       Rodney  Dangerfield
>     A  good wife always forgives her husband when she's  wrong. 

>     Anonymous 
>     A  man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day  he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can  have mine." 

>         Anonymous 
>     First Guy (proudly): "My  wife's an angel!"
>     Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still  alive."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Frank N. O. on June 07, 2008, 03:02:48 AM
While talking with Soccermom in the chat last night where she made me feel better over all that's happening in my life, I came up with the line "The Sky's not the Limit, it's the start". After that then I thought of another modification of a classic line, or rather joke. Not sure if it's really funny but here goes (and for the record, this is strictly a joke and not intended to be offensive against people who help to make sure the skies are as safe as possible (a group that also include mechanics and controllers) |:)\ )
"If god had wanted man to fly, he wouldn't have invented the FAA"
How's that? I mean, I know it's not perfect but neither is the joke that goes "If god had wanted man to fly, he'd given us more money" because many people have enough money to fly, or to pay for a license to get paid to fly, oh yeah just when I wrote that I just remembered that I really want a poster of the line about it's priceless to fly even if pays less than flipping burgers, I wonder if that's in the print shop, I'll ask Stef about that, I also remember I had another idea I forgot to post.

Frank
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on June 07, 2008, 03:22:48 AM

"If god had wanted man to fly, he wouldn't have invented the FAA"


How's about this for a strip:

A: If god didn't want us to fly, why did he give us the Wright Brothers?
B: Yes, but why did he give us the FAA afterwards?
 ::rofl::

any more suggestions?
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on June 07, 2008, 05:33:41 AM

"If god had wanted man to fly, he wouldn't have invented the FAA"


How's about this for a strip:

A: If god didn't want us to fly, why did he give us the Wright Brothers?
B: Yes, but why did he give us the FAA afterwards?
 ::rofl::

any more suggestions?

OK, this one is over my head fer sure!   ::silly::  Maybe if I drink a few brewskis it'll begin to make sense.  Hehe.   ::drinking:: ::drinking:: ::drinking::

Meantime, here is a variant of an old English saying that I think is worth repeating here:

"I complained because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no Credit Cards."

Think about that one for a while, it actually makes sense!   ;D 8) |:)\
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: airtac on June 07, 2008, 02:47:18 PM
You should move this thread to "I ingested something weird and said something weirder"................... ::whistle::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: airtac on June 11, 2008, 09:03:03 PM
 teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home.
�She read ... 'and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'

The teacher paused then asked the class:

'And what do you think the man said?'

One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly

...'I think the man would have said - 'Well, f*ck me!! A talking pig!'

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on June 11, 2008, 09:34:37 PM

...'I think the man would have said - 'Well, f*ck me!! A talking pig!'

Like it  ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on June 13, 2008, 04:39:47 AM
(http://i76.photobucket.com/albums/j35/helokat/funnies/warmfront.jpg)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: TheSoccerMom on June 13, 2008, 04:09:21 PM
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAA, G-Man, we're all cracking up over the weatherman!!  TOO good. 
(P.S.  What station is that, by the way??)    ::whistle::

==========================================================
Just heard a good one from the ramp guys up here...  I just gotta share:


Question:    When you're talking about Pilots, what's a 120 IQ mean??


Answer:  A flight of Four.....     ::whistle::           ::whistle::            ::rofl::    ::rofl::

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on June 13, 2008, 10:56:18 PM
an old classic, but it makes me laugh every time...    ::rofl::

YOU'VE GOTTA LOVE DRUNK PEOPLE

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of you rself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed , and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on June 14, 2008, 09:35:42 PM
U.S. Special Forces

The Pentagon announced TODAY the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the
United States Redneck Special Forces (USRSF)
(http://i230.photobucket.com/albums/ee295/flyboygil/red.jpg)

These boys will be dropped off in  Iraq  and have been given  only the following facts about terrorists :

1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.   
3. They taste just like chicken. 
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.   
5. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt.

The Pentagon expects the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Oddball on June 14, 2008, 10:17:47 PM
and that was jsut his side arm!!  ::unbelieveable:: ::eek:: ::loony::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: airtac on June 16, 2008, 02:42:56 AM
Four old retired guys were walking down a street in Wickenburg , Arizona
They turned a corner and see a sign that says, 'Old Timers Bar - all drinks 10 cents.'

They look at each other, and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, 'Come on in and let me pour one for you!

What'll it be, Gentlemen?'

There seemed to be a fully-stocked bar, so each of the men ask for a
martini. In short order, the bartender serves up four iced martinis...
Shaken, not stirred, and says, 'That'll be 10 cents each, please.'

The four men stare at the bartender for a moment, then look at each other...
They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their
martinis, and order another round.

Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again saying 'That's 40 cents, please'

They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can stand.

They have each had two martinis, and so far they've spent less than a
dollar. Finally one of the men says, 'How can you afford to serve martinis
as good as these for a dime a piece?'

'I'm a retired tailor from Boston ,' the bartender said, 'and I always
wanted to own my own bar.  Last year I hit the Lottery for $25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime - wine, liquor, beer, it's all the same.'

Wow!!!! That's quite a story,' says one of the men.

The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice seven other people at the end of the bar who didn't have drinks in front of them, and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there. One man gestures at the seven men at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender, 'What's with them?'


The bartender says, 'Oh, they're retired airline pilots .  They're waiting for happy hour, when drinks are half price.'

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on June 17, 2008, 09:37:37 PM
AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. IF YOU'RE CHOKING ON AN ICE CUBE, SIMPLY POUR A CUP OF BOILING WATER DOWN YOUR THROAT. PRESTO! THE BLOCKAGE WILL INSTANTLY REMOVE ITSELF.

2. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

3. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.
 
4. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

5. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

6. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

7. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

8. REMEMBER - EVERYONE SEEMS NORMAL UNTIL YOU GET TO KNOW THEM.

9.  AND REMEMBER, IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

DAILY THOUGHT:   
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN THEY ARE PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on June 17, 2008, 10:13:19 PM

7. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.


HA HA!!  ::rofl::

This one must have come from an A&P mechanic!!  ;D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Oddball on June 17, 2008, 10:31:20 PM
aye gil i go by 7,8 and 9 and throw in cable ties as well, a job aint doing if you cant fix it wi cable ties.  you're right mike sounds like the last lot where made up  by a mechanic lol
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: airtac on June 18, 2008, 03:34:25 AM
aye gil i go by 7,8 and 9 and throw in cable ties as well, a job aint doing if you cant fix it wi cable ties.  you're right mike sounds like the last lot where made up  by a mechanic lol
HEY ACE, Speaking of mecanics---are you working as a mechanic (engineer?) yet ::cowboy::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Oddball on June 18, 2008, 09:35:05 AM
not yet chief im job hunting got a few leads that im picking up on and waiting to hear back from some others
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: airtac on June 18, 2008, 02:03:20 PM

The Korean War, in which the Marine Corps fought and won some of its most brutal battles, was not without its gallows humor.  During one particularly hard operation, a ROK commander, whose unit was fighting along with the Marines, called legendary Marine General Chesty Puller, to report a major Chinese attack in his sector. 

'How many Chinese are attacking you?' asked Puller.  'Many, many Chinese!' replied the excited Korean officer.  General Puller asked for another count and got the same answer, 'Many, many, many Chinese!' 

"Dammit!' swore Puller, 'Put my Marine liaison officer on the radio.'  In a minute, an American voice came over the air:  'Yes sir?' 

'Lieutenant,' growled Chesty, 'exactly how many Chinese you got up there?'  'General, we got a whole s**tload of Chinese up here!' 


'Thank God.' exclaimed Puller, 'At least there's someone up there who knows how to count.'
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on June 18, 2008, 02:20:48 PM
Quote
'General, we got a whole s**tload of Chinese up here!'

That's what us truck drivers call the Texas Measuring System.  Everything is measured in "s**tloads".   ::whistle::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Skid Kid on June 20, 2008, 01:31:24 AM
We in the USMC have gone to a more advanced measuring system than anything so crude as "s**tloads."
We use metric ass tons!  ::sulk::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: airtac on June 20, 2008, 04:01:53 AM
That's the Corp for ya---Always updating and improving--Semper Fi  |:)\
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on June 20, 2008, 04:20:29 AM
So nowadays instead of bringing Whup-azz to the battlefield by the s**tload, the USMC brings it by the metric-azz ton.   ::thinking::  Hmmmm... I approve!   |:)\
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: gibbo_335 on June 20, 2008, 05:05:53 AM
A stranger was seated next to a little boy on the airplane when the
stranger turned to him and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights
go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little boy, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly and said
to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and
he smiles.

'OK, ' he said. 'That could be an interesting topic.   But let me ask
you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff
- grass - . Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a
flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you
suppose that is?'

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little boy's intelligence,
thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little boy replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to
discuss nuclear power when you don't know crap?
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: PiperGirl on June 27, 2008, 02:52:22 AM
HOW TO SAVE THE AIRLINES

 Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.
Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell -- They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?
 The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a "party atmosphere" going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.
 Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money.
 Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues. This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.

Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely,
 Bill Clinton
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on July 01, 2008, 08:51:13 PM
> The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the mountains of
> Alaska for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the
> campground in the
> Pope-mobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the
> edge of the woods.
>
> A helpless environmental activist, wearing sandals, shorts,
> a 'Save the Whales' hat, and a 'To Hell with
> Bush' T-shirt, was screaming
> while struggling frantically, thrashing around trying to
> free himself from
> the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly bear.
>
> As the Pope watched horrified, a group of
> loggers came racing up. One quickly fired a .44
> magnum into the
> bear's chest. The other two reached up and pulled the
> bleeding,
> semi-conscious tree hugger from the bear's grasp. Then,
> using long clubs, the
> three loggers finished off the bear and two of them threw
> it into the bed of
> their truck while the third tenderly placed the injured
> tree hugger in the back
> seat.
>
> As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned
> them to come over. 'I give you my blessing for your
> brave actions!' he told
> them. 'I heard there was a bitter hatred between
> loggers and
> environmental activists, but now I've seen
> with my own eyes that
> this is not true.'
>
> As the Pope drove off, one of the loggers
> asked his buddies, 'Who was that guy?'
>
> 'It was the Pope,' another replied. 'He's
> in
> direct contact with heaven and has access to all
> wisdom.'
>
> 'Well,' the logger said, 'he may have access
> to all wisdom, but he sure don't know anything about
> bear hunting! Is the
> bait holding up, or do we need to go back to Massachusetts
> and get another
> one?

 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: gibbo_335 on July 02, 2008, 05:07:51 AM
3 engineers go on site to measure how high a communications pole is.  An arrival they discover that there is no crane, ladder or scaffolding to get up on to measure it. 

“Now what do we do?” asked one of the engineers

“Well I’ll phone the office and get someone to organize a crane to come out here” said the second engineer

Later a blonde was walking past, “Hey, for a laugh, why don’t we ask this blonde how we could measure it” one of the engineers said.

“Excuse me miss” asked the engineer

“Yes, can I help you “ the blonde inquired

“Yes, we need to measure the height of this pole is and there is no crane here, can you suggest how we might do it?”

After looking at the pole the blonde says,

“Well, why don’t undo the 4 nuts at the bottom and lay the pole down and measure the length of it and then put it back up and tighten the nuts back up”  with that the blonde walks off.

“See” the first engineer says, “Typical blonde we need to know how high it is not how long!” ;D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: razz4367 on July 02, 2008, 04:29:13 PM
On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in
next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee whereupon the parrot
squawks, "And get me a coke, you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings
back a coke for the parrot and forgets the coffee.

When this omission is pointed out to her, the parrot drains its glass and
bawls, "And get me another coke, dogface!" Quite upset, the girl comes back
shaking with another coke but still no coffee.

Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach.  "I've
asked you twice for a coffee! Go and get it now, you old goat!"

The next moment both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out
of the emergency exit by two burly stewards.

Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says, "For someone who can't
fly, you've got guts!"
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on July 02, 2008, 04:33:19 PM
Ya know, I could actually see my old African Grey Parrot saying stuff like that!  He had Chutzpah!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on July 03, 2008, 06:28:15 AM
REASONS TO LIKE BEER BY 7 YEAR OLDS

A handful of 7 year old children were asked ' what they thought of beer.' Some interesting responses, but the last one is especially touching...

 ::drinking:: ::drinking:: ::drinking:: ::drinking:: ::drinking:: ::drinking:: ::drinking:: ::drinking:: ::drinking:: ::drinking::

7 year old Tim- ' I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mom gets.'

7 year old Melanie - ' Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on television when he is asleep, so beer is nice.

7 year old Grady - 'My Mom and Dad both like beer. My Mom gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn't think this is very funny.'

7 year old Toby - 'My Mom and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing.'

7 year old Sarah - 'My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes, so he shouldn't have too much.

7 year old Lilly - ' My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances.. One time he danced right into the pool.'

7 year old Ethan - ' I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbeque and they taste disgusting.'

7 year old Shirley - ' I give Dad's beer to the dog and he goes to sleep.'

7 year old Jack - ' My Mom drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my father. Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to go bury his bone down the street again, but that doesn't make any sense.'
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on July 09, 2008, 12:37:29 AM
this is an old classic but it cracks me up every time . . .   ::rofl:: ;D

 
> **The Brothel Parrot. . . ..**


> A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a
> large, beautiful
> parrot ..There was a sign on the cage that said
> $50.00..
>
> 'Why so little,' she asked the pet store owner.
>
> The owner looked at her and said, 'Look, I should
> tell you first that
> this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution
> and sometimes it says
> some pretty vulgar stuff.'
>
> The woman thought about this, but decided she had to
> have the bird any way.
>
> She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her
> living room and
> waited for it to say some thing.
>
> The bird looked around the room, then at her, and
> said,
> 'New house, new madam.'
>
> The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but
> then thought 'that's
> really not so bad.'
>
> When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school
> the bird saw and said,
> 'New house, new madam, new girls.'
>
> The girls and the woman were a bit offended, but
> then began to laugh
> about the situation, considering how and where the
> parrot had been raised.
>
> Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home
> from work.
>
> The bird looked at him and said,

>
> 'Hi Keith'
>
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on July 09, 2008, 02:34:54 AM
When Girls don't put out.

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for what I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing satisfaction from all of the excitement.  Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not getting any tonight either....but at least that b**** knows I'm smarter than her.   >:D >:D >:D >:D >:D >:D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: AirScorp on July 09, 2008, 08:42:09 AM
this is an old classic but it cracks me up every time . . .   ::rofl:: ;D

 
> **The Brothel Parrot. . . ..**
.....
> Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home
> from work.
>
> The bird looked at him and said,

>
> 'Hi Keith'
>


Talk about a classic there Mikey! That one was one of my standards when I was in high school  ::rofl::
"'New house, new madam, new girls.... But Keith sure is a regular!!!!' was my puchline..

Now to find the ones with the octapus and the other one with the penguin-job! Pity both are theatrical to post even if I could remember them right  ::banghead::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on July 10, 2008, 02:38:23 AM
Psychiatrists vs Bartenders

EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY
 BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM . . . 'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it.   I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'

 'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come
 talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of
those  fears.'

 'How much do you charge?'

 'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.

 'I'll sleep on it,' I said.

 Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you ever
 come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

 'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful
 lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10.  I was so happy to have
 saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'

 'Is that so?'with an attitude he asked, 'And how may I ask, did a
 bartender cure you?'

 'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there
now  ! ! ! '

FORGET THOSE SHRINKS. GO HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO YOUR BARTENDER!

 ::drinking:: ::drinking:: ::drinking:: ::drinking:: ::drinking:: ::drinking:: ::drinking:: ::drinking:: ::drinking:: ::drinking::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on July 14, 2008, 03:49:19 AM
PAY RAISE

A Mexican house maid asked her American employer for a pay increase.

The wife was very upset about this and asked: "Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"

Maria: "Well Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you." Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?" Maria: "Your husband said so." Wife: "Oh. "

Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you." Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?" Maria: "Your husband did." Wife: "Oh."

Maria: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you." Wife (really furious now): "Did my husband say that?" Maria: "No Señora, the gardener did."

SHE GOT THE RAISE

 ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on July 14, 2008, 03:54:02 AM
GUNSLINGER AND OLD PROSPECTOR

An old prospector walks his tired old mule into a western town one day He'd been out in the desert for  about six months without a drop of whiskey.

He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger wa l ked out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance. I just never wanted to."

A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said, "We ll , you old fool, you're gonna' dance now," and started shooting at the old man' s feet. The old prospector was hopping a round and everybody was laughing.

When the gunslinger fired his last bullet, he holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man reached up on the mule, drew his shotgun, and pulled both hammers back making a double clicking sound. The gunslinger heard the sound and everything got quiet. The crowd watched as the gunslinger slowly turned around looking down both barrels of the shotgun

The old man asked, "Did you ever French kiss a mule square in the ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No. But I've always wanted to."



The lessons from this story are:

1. Don't waste ammunition.

2. Don't mess with old people.

 ;D ::rambo:: ::rambo:: ;D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on July 15, 2008, 07:19:45 AM
Don't mess with old people, Part 2

George P..., an elderly man, from Meridian ,
  Mississippi , was going up to bed, when his wife told him
  that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which
  she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the
  back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were
  people in the shed stealing things.
 
  He phoned the police, who asked 'Is someone in your
  house?' He said 'No.' Then they said 'All
  patrols were busy. You should lock your doors and an
  officer will be along when one is available.'
 
  George said, 'Okay.' He hung up the phone and
  counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.
 
  'Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because
  there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you
  don't have to worry about them now because I just shot
  them.' and he hung up.
 
 
  Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a
  Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance
  showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the
  burglars red-handed.
 
  One of the Policemen said to George, 'I thought
  you said that you'd shot them!'
 
  George said, 'I thought you said there was nobody
  available!'
 
  (True Story) I LOVE IT! Don't mess with old
  people.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: rtrhead71 on July 15, 2008, 07:30:52 AM
UPS Air Cargo

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS ' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.



P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
*
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
*
P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit
*
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
*
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minutedescent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
*
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
*
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
*
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
*
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
*
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
*
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search
*
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
*
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
*
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
*
And the best one for last
*
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like amidget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget. .
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on July 21, 2008, 09:48:20 PM
I really hope that the sense doesn't get lost in translation!!!! :-)

A family is sitting around the table, having dinner. Suddenly, the son asks his dad:
"Dad, how many different types of tits there are?"
The father, surprised from the question, replies:
"Well, son, there are three types. at 20 the tits of a woman are like watermelon: round and firm. at 30 or 40 they are like pears: still beautiful, but somehow...falling. after 50 they are like onions."
"Like onions?" asks the son.
"Oh, well, yes. you look at them and you start....crying."

The wife and daughter aren't exactly happy to hear that kind of reply and so the daughter asks:
"Mom, how many types of penis there are?".
The mother smiles and then replies:
"Well, dearie, there are three kind of penis. At 20 a penis is like an oak: hard and strong. At 30 its like a beech tree: flexible but reliable. thereafter, it's like a christmas tree.
"Like a Xmas tree, Mom?"
"Oh well, yes my dear. It's death from the root onward and the balls are only for decoration......".

 >:D >:D >:D >:D

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on July 21, 2008, 10:12:01 PM
Ah Happy. We always love your dirty jokes  ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on July 21, 2008, 10:16:40 PM
Ah Happy. We always love your dirty jokes  ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

Sadly they aren't written in quite often! I would have never imagined that working means no time at all to spend enjoying the coop! :-( :-(
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on July 21, 2008, 10:20:05 PM
Ah Happy. We always love your dirty jokes  ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

Sadly they aren't written in quite often! I would have never imagined that working means no time at all to spend enjoying the coop! :-( :-(

Yeah work does get in the way alot :-( But how else can we afford to fly?  ;D ;D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on July 21, 2008, 10:20:59 PM
This is what happens when a local restaurant sits across the street from a redneck bar  ::cowboy:: ::cowboy:: ::cowboy:: ::cowboy::

(http://i230.photobucket.com/albums/ee295/flyboygil/IMG_0192.jpg)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on July 21, 2008, 10:32:52 PM
My Resimay

Deer Sir,

I waunt to apply for the secritary job what I saw in the paper. I can Type real quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting.

I think I am good on the phone and no I am a pepole person,  Pepole really seam to respond to me well.

Im lookin for a Jobb as a secritary but it musent be to complicaited

I no my spelling is not to good but find that I Offen can get a job thru my persinalety.  My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth,

I can start imeditely.  Thank you in advanse fore yore anser.

hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.

Sinseerly,
Peggy May Starlings

PS : Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me.

(http://sjdrimages.com/Mb/UserUploads/k5GRj77ih13f12.JPG)

Employer's response:......

Dear Peggy May,

It's OK honey, we've got spell check .
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on July 22, 2008, 02:12:58 AM
A small zoo near Glasgow acquired a very rare species of gorilla . Within a few weeks the gorilla , a female , became very difficult to handle .

Upon examination the veterinarian determined the problem . The gorilla was in season . To make matters worse there was no male gorilla available .

Thinking about the possible solutions to their problem , the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby McKay , a local lad and part time worker responsible for cleaning out the animal cages .

Bobby , like many Glasgow folk , had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species . The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution . Bobby was approached with a proposition . Would he be willing to mate with the Gorilla for 500 pounds ? Bobby showed some interest but said he would have to think the matter over carefully .

The following day Bobby said he would accept the Zoo Keeper’s offer but only under four conditions

1 “First “ , Bobby said “ Ah’m no gonnae kiss her on the lips” . The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition .

2 “ Second” , he said “ Ye cannae never tell naebody aboot this” . The Keeper again readily agreed to this condition .

3 . “Third” , Bobby said , “ I want all the weans raised as Celtic fans” . Once again it was agreed .

4 “ Forth “ , Bobby said “ it’ll take me a wee while to raise the five hunred punds” .
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on July 22, 2008, 06:30:00 AM
Dang, where is Oddball's reply to this one?   ::whistle:: ::drinking::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Oddball on July 22, 2008, 10:56:30 AM
My reply is this R/C:

 ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl::
folk from glasgow are like that. im all right since im on the East coast and not the west.
 
Hold on R/C what are you saying?  ::thinking:: ::unbelieveable:: ::eek:: ::loony:: ::complaining:
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Oddball on July 22, 2008, 11:05:53 AM
A man walks into a pub and orders a pint, he spots a large jar full of money sitting on the counter top and asks the bar man about it,
the barman replies:  "well see that horse in the corner? if you can make him laugh you win the cash"
the man orders another pint and walks over to the horse giving it the other pint, they talk for a while and then the horse burts out laughing. the man walks up the counter and walks off with the jar.
A few weeks later he goes back into the bar and sees another jar full of money.
"This time if you make him cry you win the cash" says the barman.
so the man orders two pints and walks over to the horse.  two minutes later they both head off into the toilets not long after the horse comes out crying and the man heads over to collect his winings.
"here you !" says the barman "i want to know a couple of things. one how did you make the horse laugh and two how did you make him cry?"
the man replies: "well to make him laugh i told him i had a bigger dick than him and to make him cry i showed him."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Oddball on July 22, 2008, 11:10:39 AM
Paddy and Murphy walk go into a pub and order two pints of guinness. they go off and sit down at a table and pull out a couple of sandwhiches, the barman sees this and storms over to them "here you two no eating your own food in here!" he shouts so paddy and murphy swop sandwhiches. (bad joke i know)

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on July 24, 2008, 08:28:47 PM
I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me…It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less.

She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view.. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her ‘little’ sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn’t say a word. She said, ”I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.” I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, “We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn’t ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.”

And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: TheSoccerMom on July 25, 2008, 03:13:52 AM
Which reminds me of.....

One day a mom is in the kitchen and happens to overhear her young pre-schooler talking to his little friend Mary outside the open window.  She's SHOCKED when her little angel son Gordy says:  "You know what I found yesterday?  There was a condom on the patio!"

She's even MORE shocked when little Mary replies:  "What's a patio??"

 ::rofl::

 ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on July 25, 2008, 04:16:43 PM
Which reminds me of.....
One day a mom is in the kitchen and happens to overhear her young pre-schooler talking to his little friend Mary outside the open window.  She's SHOCKED when her little angel son Gordy says:  "You know what I found yesterday?  There was a condom on the patio!"
She's even MORE shocked when little Mary replies:  "What's a patio??"
 ::rofl::
 ::rofl::

Ahhhhh I counter with this..

3 guys were talking about their daughters one day..

Guy 1 says "You know, I found a bottle of scotch in my daughters room the other night---I did not even know she drank"..  ::eek::

Guy 2 says "I got ya beat--last night I found a pack of cigarettes in my daughters room--I did not even know she smoked"..  ::unbelieveable::

Third guy says "I have one up on both of you--Last night I found a condom  ::unbelieveable:: in my daughters bag---all these years and I did not even know she had a dick"..  ::sick::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on July 25, 2008, 04:17:15 PM
A Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.

The wife was very upset about this and asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'

Maria: 'Well Senora, there are three reasons why I want an increase.
The first is that I iron better than you.'

Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband said so.'

Wife: 'Oh.

Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'

Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband did.'

Wife: 'Oh.

Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.'

Wife (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'

Maria: 'No Senora, Jose the gardener did.

SHE GOT THE RAISE.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on July 31, 2008, 07:24:05 AM
Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die. This is so priceless, and so, so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today.!!!

Now some people are really stupid!!!!

A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, now somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank. Here is the exchange:

Family Member: 'I am calling to tell you she died in
January.'

Citibank: 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member: 'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'

Citibank: 'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'

Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'

Citibank: 'Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!'

Family Member: 'Do you think God will be mad at her?' (I really liked this part!!!!)

Citibank: 'Excuse me?'

Family Member: 'Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?'

Citibank: 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.' (Duh!)

Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member: 'I'm calling to tell you, she died in January.'

Citibank : 'The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply.' (This must be a phrase taught by the bank!)

Family Member: 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'

Citibank: (Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'

Family Member: 'No, I'm her great nephew.' (Lawyer info given)

Citibank: 'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'

Family Member: 'Sure.' (Fax number is given )

After they get the fax:

Citibank: 'Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know
what more I can do to help.'

Family Member: 'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could
just keep billing her. I don't think she will care.'

Citibank: 'Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.'(What is wrong with these people?!?)

Family Member: 'Would you like her new billing address?'

Citibank: 'That might help.'

Family Member: ' Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway 129, Plot Number 69.'

Citibank: 'Sir, that's a cemetery!'

Family Member: 'What do you do with dead people on your planet???



(Priceless!!)

 ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on August 01, 2008, 09:32:22 PM
The bottle of Merlot:
 
 A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually
attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant. 

So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the
gentleman who is seated over there.' ..and indicated the sender with a
nod of his head. 

She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man,
then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was
lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it
to the gentleman. 

The note read:

'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your
garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants '

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in
return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him
to deliver it to the lady. 

It read:

'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I
have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in
my several garages;  I have beautiful homes in Aspen , Miami , and a
10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana   There is over twenty million dollars in
my bank account and portfolio.
But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you are, would I cut off three
inches.
Just send the bottle back.'
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: gibbo_335 on August 06, 2008, 12:42:28 AM
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
 Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for
 my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my
 pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
 
 I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
 to go home and come back later.
 
 The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
 
 So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She
 said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me'
 and she processed my Social Security application.
 
 When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my
 experience at the Social Security office.
 
 She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might
 have gotten disability, too'
 
 And then the fight started.....
 
 ********
 
 My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school
 reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging
 her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
 
 My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed,
 'She's my old girlfriend.
 
 I understand she took to drinking right after we split up
 those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
 
 'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go
 on celebrating that long?'
 
 And then the fight started.....
 
 ********
 
 I rear-ended a car this morning.
 So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other
 driver got out of his car.
 
 You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and
 little things just seem funny?
 Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!
 
 He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I
 AM NOT HAPPY!!!'
 
 So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one
 are you?'
   
 And then the fight started... .
 
 ********
 
 A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is
 not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I
 look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
 
 The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
 
 And then the fight started.....

 
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: gibbo_335 on August 07, 2008, 01:07:01 AM
Two blonde girls were working for the city public works
department.

One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the
hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down
the other, then moved on to the next street, working
furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the
other girl filling it in again. An onlooker was amazed at
their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were
doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort
you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it -- why do you
dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up
again?"


The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it
probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team.
But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick."  ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on August 10, 2008, 11:50:10 PM
Don't know if these were ever posted before:

      

33 Greatest lies in aviation

1. I'm from the FAA and I'm here to help you.

2. Me? I've never busted minimums.

3. We will be on time, maybe even early.

4. Pardon me, ma'am, I seem to have lost my jet keys.

5 .I have no interest in flying for the airlines.

6. I fixed it right the first time, it must have failed for other reasons.

7. All that turbulence spoiled my landing.

8. I'm a member of the mile high club.

9. I only need glasses for reading.

10. I broke out right at minimums.

11. The weather is gonna be alright; it's clearing to VFR.

12. Don't worry about the weight and balance -- it'll fly.

13. If we get a little lower I think we'll see the lights.

14. I'm 22, got 6000 hours, a four year degree & 3000 hours in a Lear.

15. We shipped the part yesterday.

16. I'd love to have a woman co-pilot.

17. All you have to do is follow the book.

18. This plane outperforms the book by 20 percent.

19. We in aviation are overpaid, underworked and well respected.

20. Oh sure, no problem, I've got over 2000 hours in that aircraft.

21. I have 5000 hours total time, 3200 are actual instrument.

22. No need to look that up, I've got it all memorized.

23. Sure I can fly it -- it has wings, doesn't it?

24. We'll be home by lunchtime.

25. Your plane will be ready by 2 o'clock.

26. I'm always glad to see the FAA.

27. We fly every day -- we don't need recurrent training.

28. It just came out of annual -- how could anything be wrong?

29. I thought YOU took care of that.

30. I've got the field in sight.

31. I've got the traffic in sight.

32. Of course I know where we are.

33. I'm SURE the gear was down.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: airtac on August 12, 2008, 02:56:12 AM
To which I'd like to add #34---"aw hell. I can fly the box it came in" ::)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: TheSoccerMom on August 12, 2008, 04:53:40 AM
To which I'd like to add #34---"aw hell. I can fly the box it came in" ::)

Uhh, Daddy Airtac, uh...  but that isn't FUNNY...  because, uhm, you...  CAN.

 :D                     :D                    :D                    :D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on August 12, 2008, 10:43:10 PM
Quickie In The Bushes
> >>
> >> There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and
> >> one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway
> >> for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky
> >> and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.
> >>
> >> The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a
> >> hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for
> >> thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.
> >>
> >> He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running
> >> behind the shrubbery.
> >>
> >> The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.
> >> After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.
> >> The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes
> >> left, would you care to do it again?'
> >> He asks her 'Shall we?'
> >>
> >> She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But
> >> let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you shit
> >> on its
> >> head.'
> >> ------------------------- AND JUST WHAT WERE YOU
> >> THINKING???--------------------------.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Oddball on August 12, 2008, 11:12:27 PM
well I dont know about the rest but I was thinking about the firing order of a Rolls Royce Merlin  ::whistle:: ::whistle::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: cotejy on August 13, 2008, 09:17:17 PM
35 ways to annoy people

1. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual service." 
2. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
3. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 18 inch paper, 54 copies. >:D
4. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
5. Name your dog "Dog."
6. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
7. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."
8. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."
9. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.
10. Practice making fax and modem noises.
11. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
12. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."
13. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy."
14. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
15. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
16. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.
17. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
18. Honk and wave to strangers.
19. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
20. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
21. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
22. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.
23. Ask people what gender they are.
24. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
25. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
26. Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book.
27. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
28. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
29. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."
30. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."
31. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something
about "psychological profiles."
32. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
33. Make appointments for the 31st of September.
34. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.
35. At work, call yourself on the speakers (don't change your voice).

--- Someone really done number 1 to me once. Trust me, I didn't went to the clerk to change it. The unpersonnal ATM machine got this one.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on August 14, 2008, 04:49:27 PM
"I can't see the Resemblance..."
 ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on August 17, 2008, 09:02:48 PM

(http://i230.photobucket.com/albums/ee295/flyboygil/190.jpg)

(http://i230.photobucket.com/albums/ee295/flyboygil/l_37d41c7eaf9d2c7297c603ec12026f91.jpg)

(http://i230.photobucket.com/albums/ee295/flyboygil/l_842b16bc2ebae703a888e434169b1fc1.jpg)

(http://i230.photobucket.com/albums/ee295/flyboygil/l_dca01bb7a4ae99f388352f39b7787a5e.jpg)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on August 18, 2008, 01:13:09 AM
Make sure you read this sign before going into the BC interior
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Oddball on August 18, 2008, 08:37:28 AM
So that confirms one of the oldest question in the world...............a bear does go to the potty in the woods  ::whistle::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on August 19, 2008, 08:31:29 AM
I saw this one over the weekend and I couldn't resist taking a pic of it!

Sorry about the size.  I don't have Microsoft Office so I don't know how to cut it down.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on August 21, 2008, 12:50:27 AM
I saw this one over the weekend and I couldn't resist taking a pic of it!

Sorry about the size.  I don't have Microsoft Office so I don't know how to cut it down.

To go with one of Gibbo's jokes: "And then the fight started"  ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on August 21, 2008, 01:14:59 AM
 >:D >:D >:D >:D >:D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on August 21, 2008, 04:44:37 AM
35 ways to annoy people

32. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.


We did this one 4 years back with the Ely crew in a little cowboy town called "Picoche".
The local folk was not amused and we barely escaped a serious barfight

(It was "Heard it through the Grapevine" by CCR . . . the only non-country song in their jukebox machine)

PS: I guess you gotta watch out in bars where the juke box only plays country songs . . .  ;)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on August 21, 2008, 08:27:34 PM
A redneck family from the hills of Arkansas was visiting the city, and they were in the mall for the first time in their lives.  The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart, and then slide back together again. 
The boy asked, 'Paw, what's at? 
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I dunno.  I ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life.  I ain't got no idea'r what it is.'
While the boy and his father were watching wit h amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.  The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.  The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.  Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year-old blonde stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, Boy........go gitcha momma.'

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: cotejy on August 22, 2008, 12:06:58 PM
old one but...

Anyone know the difference between an electric toy train and a women breast?













There's none, both are intented to be used by kids but most of the time, daddy is the one playing with them.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on August 23, 2008, 05:31:29 AM
old one but...

Anyone know the difference between an electric toy train and a women breast?













There's none, both are intented to be used by kids but most of the time, daddy is the one playing with them.

HEAR HEAR!!!   ::bow:: ::bow:: ::bow:: ::wave:: ::wave::

But you forgot to mention daddy's   ::drinking:: ::drinking:: ::drinking::  while he's playing with either!   >:D |:)\
Title: New Orleans Hurricane shoes for Women
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on August 24, 2008, 03:48:49 PM
These make quite a fashion statement while looting through flooded-out neighborhoods...   >:D >:D >:D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: TheSoccerMom on August 24, 2008, 05:58:40 PM
Haaaa!!!!   :D

Wow, those are NICE.  Reminds me of the smartass remark I got the other night, while stretching up on my tiptoes, to stuff the engine plugs in the Minivan...

"Hey!  That'd work a lot better for ya if you wore stiletto heels!!"         ::rofl::         ::)

Yeah, right.........    ::loony::      ::rofl::

 ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Oddball on August 24, 2008, 08:18:21 PM
aye that will be the new fashion in Dundee just now that got flooded the other day.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on August 27, 2008, 01:01:44 AM
Ed Zachary Disease

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese sex therapist Dr. Chang.
So she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room Dr. Chang said "OK take off all your crose". The woman did as she was told. "Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room". Again the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me". So she did.

Dr.Chang shook his head slowly and said "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates". Worried the woman asked anxiously "Oh my God Dr.Chang what is Ed Zachary Disease?"

Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass".
Title: Re: New Orleans Hurricane shoes for Women
Post by: G-man on August 27, 2008, 01:04:31 AM
These make quite a fashion statement while looting through flooded-out neighborhoods...   >:D >:D >:D

Those are classic--my house got 26 inches of rain from TS Fay, luckily the house did not flood, however, my yard and driveway are under 12" of water.  ::eek::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: cotejy on August 27, 2008, 02:15:35 PM
So there is a software company that organize a bear hunting weekend.

The software programmers looked for informations from other folks that already went bear hunting, they read a lot of documents put there findings together and finally decided together what weapon they will use, which ammunition, they knew how to find traces,...  ::thinking:: and the came back with 2 small bears. They were happy considering the fact this was there first time they went outside the city and had never saw a bear before.

The senior management team voted a special budget, rented an helicopter, bought bazookas and bombs from an illegal alien group.  ::rambo:: When they came back, the forest was a desert, they had killed 40 bears and a little collateral damage of 4 peoples that were camping. But they consider this as a victory because they had 20 times more bears then the programmers.

Finally, the vendor came a little late to the hunting. He was drinking for the last 3 days ::drinking:: so he didn't had time to prepare. Not a clue what a bear is, no guns, hands in his pockets, he went straight in the forest.  ::whistle:: We didn't heard about him for 2 days. Just when everyone were leaving, the vendor came back from the forest. RUNNING for his life with 50 angry bears behind him. He ran behind the project managers and howl: "I brought them now take care of them".
____________________________
Should I had it modify to:
Software programmer: FAA
Manager: Hans
Vendor: Chuck
Project managers: Spark
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Skid Kid on August 30, 2008, 06:14:35 AM
A recent pop quiz some knucklehead made up while bored here on deployment.

If a Huey and Cobra mech (such as myself) suddenly stands up and yells "The fat chick is mine!" he is either:

A. Recovering or launching aircraft

B. Drunk at a bar

-or-

C. Both A and B are correct

These are the jokes people...
Well, the one's that aren't horribly politically incorrect...
The correct answer is usually C, just in case you were curious...
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on August 31, 2008, 12:30:43 PM
CANADIAN JOKE # 1

After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, 'Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona .' The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him..

The guy from Budweiser says, 'I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser.' The bartender gives him one..

The guy from Coors says, 'I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors.' He gets it.

The guy from Molson Canadian sits down and says, 'Give me a Coke.'
The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, 'Why aren't you drinking a Molson's?'

The Molson Canadian president replies, 'Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I.'  ::whistle:: ::whistle::

CANADIAN JOKE #2
A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm. His friend Doug stops him and asks, 'Hey Bob! Whacha get the case of beer for?'

'I got it for my wife, eh.' answers Bob.

'Oh!' exclaims Doug, 'Good trade.'

CANADIAN JOKE #3
One day an Englishman, an American, and a Canadian walked into a pub together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Labatt Blue. Just as they were about to enjoy their beverages, three flies landed in each of their pints.

The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust. The American fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing happened. The Canadian picked the fly out of his drink and started shaking it over the pint, yelling, 'SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!'

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Oddball on August 31, 2008, 01:20:31 PM
I think the Canadian in the third joke must of had a Scottish relative  ::whistle::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on August 31, 2008, 05:16:33 PM

Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one
> engaged to be married and one a long-time wife, met for
> drinks after work. The conversation eventually drifted
> towards how best to spice up their sex lives. After much
> discussion, they decided to surprise their men by engaging
> in some S&M role playing. The following week they met up
> again to compare notes.
>
> Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said,
> 'Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my
> boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the
> other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on
> was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He
> was so aroused that we made mad passionate love on his desk
> right then and there!'
>
> The engaged woman giggled and said, 'That's pretty
> much my story! When my fiancé got home last Friday, he
> found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice,
> black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we
> not only messed around all night, he wants to move up our
> wedding date!
>
> The married woman put her glass down and said, 'I did a
> lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay
> over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and
> then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather
> bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch
> stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask. When my
> husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the
> remote,sat down and yelled, 'Hey, Batman, what's for
> dinner?

 ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on September 01, 2008, 04:41:51 PM
Here is the comeback for the letter to tech support Re: Wife 1.0

Husband 1.0

INSTALLING A HUSBAND

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
?        Romance 9.5 and
?        Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as
?        NBA 5.0,
?        NFL 3.0  and
?         Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

?        Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate.



DEAR DESPERATE,

First, keep in mind,
?        Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
?        Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the  Guilt 3.0 update.
?        If that application works as designed, Husband1.0  should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to  Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.
?        Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program.These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend
?        Cooking 3.0 and
?        Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck Babe!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on September 04, 2008, 08:41:11 PM
AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

 1. If you are choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.

 2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold while you chop.
 
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the shower.
 
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
 
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
 
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
 
7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
 
8. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
 
Daily Thought: 
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES. NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: tundra_flier on September 05, 2008, 12:25:24 AM
What Alaskans want to know if Sara Palin is Elected VP:

1. Will there be a TFR around her house in Wasilla? (there's about a hundred private airstrips in Wasilla)

2. How will the Secret service handle Caribou hunting? (Do they know how to defend against grizzlies?)

3. Will the family Super Cub use the Air Force 2 call sign when she's on board? (will it have to be repainted blue and white?)

4. Will she be taking foreign leaders hunting? (Worked for Teddy, and Tony Blair always looked like a Duck hunter to me)

5. Will she be BBQ'ing moose burgers at state functions? (you don't win allies with salad)

6. Will hockey finally be named the national passtime over baseball?

7. Will salmon replace turkey for the White house Thanksgiving meal?

8. Will the Terrorist prison camp be relocated to Adak island? (you don't want to try excaping from there!)

Now, Lets hear your questions!

Phil
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: 4X-NTY on September 05, 2008, 07:33:16 AM
Just bumped in this one,couldn't resist posting it here  :P

(http://img146.imageshack.us/img146/7517/slide12rq5.jpg)

By the way,can anybody confirm what's real and whats not on this page?
http://henic.livejournal.com/947721.html?style=mine#cutid1
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on September 05, 2008, 05:24:30 PM
Airtac--did you write this one  ::whistle:: ::whistle::


It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.


My name is Jim. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Terri. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Terri to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.


Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door.


She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.


Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think? For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.


When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.


I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Terri. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy.

Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.

However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.


Signed,

Jim


EDITOR'S NOTE:

Jim died suddenly on February 7 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Terri was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Jim, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on September 05, 2008, 09:35:23 PM
By now you've probably heard that Anheuser-Busch was sold to a Belgian company.

Help me in boycotting Anheuser-Busch since they are sellouts.

Drop your Budweiser off at my house & I will dispose of it.

We'll teach those bastards!   ::rambo:: ::rambo:: ::rambo:: ::rambo:: ::rambo:: ::rambo::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on September 06, 2008, 01:37:49 AM
Apple Announcement

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast
implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size.

This has been hailed as a major social breakthrough,
because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Fabo on September 06, 2008, 01:25:56 PM
R/C: Hmm... do you dispose of original Budweiser Budvar too?

Maybe you will need a helper with that amount you know... ;D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Frank N. O. on September 09, 2008, 10:24:17 PM
Very nice jokes :)

4X: Every single one except the silver flying manta are actual working aircraft. Even the flying barrel was tested I think, made after an old design and proved to work.
Other planes are Rutan designs, F-22 system's test aircraft, homebuilts, special cargo-transports, ecranoplans (aka wing-in-groundeffect craft) missing the outer wings. Oh yeah, the first one is at scalemodel testing stage I think. One was made in UK but lately an almost identical design was listed under a big US aicraft maker name, the round things are hoovercraft cushions that can both work conventionally to land on water or in reverse to keep the vehicle stable when unloading it's weight.

Frank
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: 4X-NTY on September 10, 2008, 02:18:14 PM
Frank even this one?

(http://img133.imageshack.us/img133/3332/slide24tb2.jpg)

I just can't see how this wing can produce lift...
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Frank N. O. on September 10, 2008, 03:07:05 PM
Uhm, are you by any chance mistaking the red winglet for the wing-profile itself? Here's a picture of the exact same aircraf airborne:
http://www.airliners.net/photo/Italy---Protezione/Canadair-CL-415/1288184&tbl=photo_info&photo_nr=5&sok=WHERE__%28reg_%3D_%27I-DPCH%27%29_&sort=_order_by_photo_id_DESC_&prev_id=1293862&next_id=1283525

Frank
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: cotejy on September 10, 2008, 06:00:21 PM
CL-415 water bomber. I saw those one in flight. They are very active in Canada during the forest fire season. They scoop water from small lakes without stoping. They are real flying boat. Once, I was flying up north and saw 5 of them flying in formation they pass a few thousen feets above me. Another story about those. I was preparing for a flight and saw one of them on final. Trust me these wings are very efficient. It was flying so slow I just couldn't believe how it could stay there without stalling. When a flight instructor came in he told me this:

He was doing takeoff and landings with a student on runway 24L with a Cessna 172. The CL-415 was landing on 24R. They were both final and this instructor just couldn't believe that he was faster on final then the 415. So he took control of the airplane, drop full flaps and slow down just above stall speed. I wouldn't had believe him if I haven't saw the 415 final approach but he said the 172 was still faster.

EDIT: i just find out this video. http://archives.radio-canada.ca/sciences_technologies/technologie/clips/5551/ (http://archives.radio-canada.ca/sciences_technologies/technologie/clips/5551/) You could see the airplane scooping water and drooping it.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: 4X-NTY on September 10, 2008, 06:36:13 PM
So it's a winglet...! Would've knew there was something like that that i couldn't see.... next time I'll do a little research...
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on September 13, 2008, 04:07:26 PM
Back to humor....

I just went home for 3 days..First morning I woke up with a killer hangover after going out with some friends. I did'nt remember how I got home. It's 8.30. What day is it? Thursday. My wife must have gone to work. As I struggled into consciousness through the fog of a pounding headache, my stomach plummets as I wondered what the hell I did last night.
 
I forced myself to open my eyes, and the first thing I see is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a little vase of sweet peas, freshly picked from the garden. I sat up. The bedroom is clean and tidy, there is no trail of drunkenly abandoned clothes, fresh air is coming in through the window and all is serene. I stumbled to the bathroom, also pristine, and, squinting gingerly into the mirror, I see that I have a black eye. This is not a good sign, but no memories are returning.

As I concentrate hard on getting the world into focus, I see a post-it note stuck on the corner of the mirror. It is written in red, with little hearts on it and a kiss from my wife. 'Breakfast is in the oven. Try to eat something and go back to bed for the morning. There's a helicopter show on TV this afternoon. Take it easy today; hope your eye doesn't hurt too much. See you tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Kat. xoxo ' I stumbled to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the newspaper. My teenage daughter is sitting at the table, eating. Bracing myself, I drum up the courage to ask what happened the previous night.
 
'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.'

Confused, I asked, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order, aspirins by the bed, a nice note, and breakfast waiting for me?'

She replies, 'Oh THAT!... Mom dragged your sorry ass to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your trousers off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone you whore, I'm married!!'

Broken Coffee Table $250
Hot Breakfast $3.50
Two Aspirins $0.25
Saying the right thing, at the right time......PRICELESS

And now I am back to work....

 


Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on September 14, 2008, 03:52:31 AM
Quote
and when she tried to take your trousers off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone you whore, I'm married!!'

<Gasp!>  G-man, do you mean to imply that all fling-wing drivers are this faithful?   :o
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on September 14, 2008, 10:41:34 PM
This must come from Alex or some of the other women Chuck is trying to date.....

 
>           Quote for the day: 
>   'Whatever you give a woman, she's going to multiply.
>   If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.
>   If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.
>   If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.
>   She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.' 
>   So - if you give her crap,
>   you will receive more shit than any one human being can handle!
 
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on September 14, 2008, 11:37:39 PM
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives her husband a big kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.
The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Merc and Lexus in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous lady on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier," she replies.

=============================================================================================================

A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet. "What's with that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked. "It's not a gong. It's a talking clock", the drunk replied.

"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.

"Yup", replied the drunk.

"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.

"Watch", the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed,

"You asshole. It's three-fifteen in the morning!"

===============================================================================================================

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
* Get your drunk ASS off the merry-go-round.

===============================================================================================================
Oldie but good

Helicopter Pilot Saves Life of Airplane Pilot in a Horse-Back Riding Mishap

An airplane pilot with the USFS narrowly escaped serious injury recently when he attempted horseback riding with no prior experience. He mounted the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately began moving. As it galloped along at a steady and rhythmic pace, the pilot began to slip sideways from the saddle.

Although attempting to grab for the horse's mane he could not get a firm grip. He then threw his arms around the horse's neck but continued to slide down the side of the horse. The horse galloped along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider. Finally, losing his grip, the pilot attempted to leap away from the horse and throw himself to safety. His foot became entangled in the stirrup, and he was at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as his head and upper body repeatedly struck the ground.

Moments away from unconsciousness and probable death, to his great fortune a Helicopter pilot, shopping at Wal-Mart, saw him and quickly unplugged the horse!   

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: airtac on September 15, 2008, 03:36:51 AM
Gordy, I'm really grateful about the horse thing but I thought you weren't going to tell anyone :-\
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on September 15, 2008, 03:43:18 AM
Gordy, I'm really grateful about the horse thing but I thought you weren't going to tell anyone :-\

Ahhh--couldn't help it..

Here is another oldie but goodie:

An old southern country preacher from Georgia had a teenage son named David and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.

Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:

- a Bible,

- a silver dollar,

- a bottle of whisky and

- a Playboy magazine

I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself, "and when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up.

If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be!

If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be OK.

But if picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, that a shame that would be.

And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine he's gonna be a skirt-chasin' bum."

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month's Centerfold.

"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered, "he's gonna be a helicopter pilot!"
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Oddball on September 15, 2008, 11:27:20 AM
 ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: thats a good one!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on September 18, 2008, 01:46:34 AM
Classic, G-Man!!!  CLASSIC!!!   ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on September 18, 2008, 01:47:17 AM
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.

 'You all have obsessions,' he observed.

  To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating.  You've even named your daughter Candy.' 

 He turned to the second Mom, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money.  Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'

 He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: 'Your obsession is alcohol.  This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.' 

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, 'Come on, Dick, we're leaving.  Your brothers Peter and Willy are waiting for us.''
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on September 20, 2008, 08:38:11 PM
By following simple advice heard on the Dr.Phil show, you too can find inner peace. Dr. Phil proclaimed,  'The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished.'

So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before the morning was over I finished off a bottle of Zinfandel, a bottle of vodka, tequila, a package of Oreo's, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, and a box of chocolates.


You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now.

Look Below:


(http://i76.photobucket.com/albums/j35/helokat/funnies/image005.jpg)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on September 20, 2008, 10:07:45 PM
Hurricane's a comin', be prepared!

 

Hurricane Survival Kit



Toilet Paper.............................check

Bud Light.............................check

Keystone Ice...............................check

Budweiser......................check 

Red Dog...............................check

Misc Other bottles of alcohol....check

Piece of plywood to float your old lady and booze on........................check

(http://i76.photobucket.com/albums/j35/helokat/funnies/downarrows.jpg)

(http://i76.photobucket.com/albums/j35/helokat/funnies/board.jpg)

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on September 20, 2008, 11:38:53 PM
A blond truck driver was eatin her meal at a truck stop
when 6 female motorcycle riders burst in.
They stole her food and taunted her,
but she just sat there and took it all meekly.
She paid her bill and left without sayin a word.
One of the bikers swaggered up to the cashier and said,
"She aint much of a fighter is she?"
The cashier glanced out the window and replied,
"Not much of a driver either.
She just backed her 18-wheeler over 6 motorcycles."


There was a blond truck driver who had to deliver 500
penguins to the state zoo.
As she was driving through the desert, she broke down.
After about 3 hours she waved down a female brunette
trucker and offered her driver $500 to take the penguins
to the state zoo for her.
The next day the blond trucker arrived in town and saw
the brunette trucker crossin the road with 500
penguins walkin in single file line behind her.
She jumped out of her truck and yelled, "WHATS GOIN ON?
I GAVE YOU $500 TO TAKE THESE PENGUINS TO THE ZOO!"
The brunette driver responded,.....
"I did take them to the zoo.
But I had some money left over so now we're goin to
the movies."



What did the egg say to the boiling water?
I just got laid and now you want me to get hard!!!!!


What's the difference between a woman and a computer?
A computer will accept a 3 1/2 inch floppy!


A litte girl walks into a pet shop and asks, "Excuthe me, Mithter, do you keep wittle wabbith?"
The shopkeeper smiles, gets down on one knee so he's at her level and asks, "Do you want a wittle white wabbit or a soft and furry black wabbit?"
She leans forward and replies, "I don't fink my pyfon gives a f–k!"


A fella appears in court requesting a divorce. After reviewing the papers, the judge asks, "Tell me why I should grant this."
"Because," the man replies, "we live in a two-storey house."
"What kind of reason is that? What's the big deal about a two-storey house?"
"Well, Your Honour, "one story is, 'I have a headache' and the other story is, 'It's that time of the month.'"
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on September 20, 2008, 11:41:42 PM
Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my Husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically Telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a Suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds"

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.
"How long will this take?" I asked.
"They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies.

I Stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?" Without missing a beat he says "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.



Successful Sons
Four men went to play golf one day. Three of them headed to the first tee and the fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill. The three men started talking and bragging about their sons.

The first man told the others "My son is a home builder, and he is so successful that he gave a friend a new home for free."

The second man said, "My son is a car salesman, and now owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend a new Mercedes, fully loaded.

The third man , not wanting to be outdone, bragged, "My son is a stockbroker, and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire portfolio."

The fourth man joined them at the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The fist man mentioned, "We are just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?"

The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay and a go-go dancer at a gay bar." The other three men grew silent as he continued, "I'm not totally thrilled about the dancing job, but he must be doing well. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, and brand new Mercedes, and a stock portfolio."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: 4X-NTY on September 30, 2008, 02:24:18 PM
The little and cute first graders had a show and tell in school,so the teacher called Tony to come up first.
Tony brought his dog and said "look at my dog doing awesome tricks!!" Tony let go of the leash and the dog start running over the ceiling,first on his legs, then on his tail and then on his eyes while singing the national anthem. The class was very impressed.
The teacher called Betty to come up next.
Betty brought her cat and said "look at my cat doing AMAZING tricks!!" Betty threw the cat in the air and the cat suddenly released gas from his behind and started flying around the class while singing the national anthem of THREE countries. the class was very impressed.
The teacher called Sam to come up next.
Sam brought his hedgehog, put it on the table so everybody could see,took one finger and stuck it in the hedgehog butt,the hedgehog was doing "SSSSSSSS",the teacher came up yelling "SAM! don't do it to animals! that not good!!!!" so Sam answered her "no no! don't worry!  it's going to be awesome!"
So little Sam took two fingers and stuck it up in the hedgehog but,again the hedgehog was doing "SSSSSSSS" and again the teacher came yelling "SAM!! what are you doing?! you really shouldn't this to your poor hedgehog!!" so,again Sam answered her "no no!! wait! it really will be awesome!! just one more try!!"
So Sam took three fingers and pushed it up the hedgehog butt and the hedgehog was doing "SSSSSSSSSTOP IT!!!!!!!"
(it's better when told face to face and in Hebrew)

One day a kid got in a candy store,and asked the seller "seller,seller, do you have MILLION candies?"
the seller replied to him "well, no, i have only around nine thousand candies..."
"oh..." the kid said, and went out of the store a bit disappointed.
The next,the little kid once again got in the candy store and asked the seller "seller, seller, do you have MILLION candies?"
and the seller replied to him "well, no, i have only around fifteen thousand,i got a new supply today..."
"oh..." the kid said and went out of the store a bit disappointed.
When the seller came back home he started thinking,that if that kid would buy a million candies,the he would be rich! so the seller sold his house,his dog,his toilet,his dust bunnies and pretty much everything.
The other day the little kid came to the candy store and asked the seller "seller, seller! do you have a MILLION candies??" so the seller told him with a big smile "yes! i have MILLION candies!!" so the little kid said "WWWWOOOOOWWWW!!!"
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on October 02, 2008, 03:43:01 AM
Steve stood over his tee shot on the 450 yard 18th hole for what seemed like an eternity.

He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn't start his back swing.

Finally his exasperated partner asked, 'What in the world is taking so long?'

'My wife is watching me from the clubhouse balcony,' Steve explained. 'I want to make a perfect shot.'

His companion exclaimed. 'You don't have a chance in hell of hitting that biatch from here!"
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on October 03, 2008, 11:39:22 PM
An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch.  Immediately, his wife began nagging him again. Complain, nag, complain, nag - it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.

This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it. So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said, 'Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement.'

'And what about the men?' the minister asked.

'They wanted to know if the mule was for sale', he said.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on October 07, 2008, 04:57:02 AM
JOB SATISFACTION

Repeat after me...  'I WILL NOT complain about my job EVER AGAIN!!!'   ::eek:: ::unbelieveable:: ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on October 09, 2008, 05:04:03 PM
FOOTBALL AND THE BLONDE…

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

'Oh, I really liked it,' she replied, 'especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.'

Dumbfounded, her date asked, 'What do you mean?'

'Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like.... Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: cotejy on October 10, 2008, 01:36:01 PM
LOL, this reminds me of what my wife told me about when she went to a football game a few years before we meet. To her excuse, we live in Québec where football was (at this time) as popular as hockey is in south Texas. She said that she waited for the game to start but it never did and the first thing she knew was that the game is over. During the whole game, she taught they were just warming up because they just practice a play and stop after 5 seconds. But she enjoyed the half time break which she taught was the pre game ceremony.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: TheSoccerMom on October 12, 2008, 12:37:50 AM
Haa haaaaaaaaaa, now THAT is funny!!   :D
Tell your wife I would go to a football game with her.....  and football ranks about as low as shopping, in my book.   ::sick::

 ::bow::

 ::bow::

 ::bow::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Oddball on October 12, 2008, 07:14:44 PM
that aint football all you are doing is throwing a ball around and having a seat every few minutes. ::loony:: ::complaining:  :P :D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on October 15, 2008, 04:34:13 PM
somebody sent this to me in an email....
....almost more sad than funny......


It said:  HALLOWEEN IS GOING TO SUCK THIS YEAR:
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Firegirl on October 16, 2008, 01:25:49 AM

some kind of reminded me of Chuck....

REDNECK PICK-UP LINES:

> 1) Did you fart?
>  cuz you blew me away.
>
>  2) Are yer parents retarded?
>  cuz ya sure are special.
>
>  3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea
>  I can't hold it in.
>
>  4) Do you have a library card?
>       cuz I'd like to sign you out
>
>  5) Is there a mirror in yer pants?
>  cuz I can see myself in em.
>
> 6) If you was a tree & I was a Squirrel,
>       I'd store my nuts in yer hole.
>
> 7) You might not be the best lookin girl here,
>       but beauty's only a light switch away.
>
> 8) Man - 'Fat Penguin!'
> Woman - 'WHAT?'
> Man - 'I just wanted to say something that would break the ice.'
>
> 9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.
>
> 10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him?
> I think he went inta this cheap motel room...
>
> 11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
>
> 12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon.
>
>
> AND.. the best for last!
>
>  13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it, my nuts
tighten up.
>
>

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on October 16, 2008, 07:40:32 AM
I prefer these two:

14)  Honey you look finer than a new set of snow tires.

15)  Well, ain't you cuter than two speckled puppies under a wagon!

 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: cotejy on October 17, 2008, 12:51:46 PM
ATC: 1
Pilot: 0
http://tac.tv/video.php?vid=771 (http://tac.tv/video.php?vid=771)

Fighter Pilot: 1
DC 132 Pilot: 0
http://tac.tv/video.php?vid=921 (http://tac.tv/video.php?vid=921)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on October 23, 2008, 05:11:15 AM
Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year,



And every year Morris would say,



'Esther,I'd like to ride in that helicopter.'



Esther always replied,



'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks,



And fifty bucks is fifty bucks'



One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said,



'Esther, I'm 85 years old.



If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'



To this, Esther replied,



'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty
bucks.'



The pilot overheard the couple and said,



'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If
you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't
charge you a penny!



But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'



Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.



The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.



He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,



But still not a word.



When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said,



'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you
didn't.



I'm impressed!'



Morris replied,



'Well, to tell you the truth,



I almost said something when Esther fell out,



But you know,



fifty bucks is fifty bucks!'

 ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on October 23, 2008, 09:49:27 PM
TRUE THIS!!! (especially the last one!!)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on October 24, 2008, 03:43:55 AM
Perils of a  Catholic Upbringing 

As I walked down the busy sidewalk, knowing I was late for Mass, my eye fell upon one of those unfortunate, homeless vagabonds that are found in every city these days.

Some people turned to stare. Others quickly looked away as if the sight would somehow contaminate them.

Recalling  my old pastor, Father Mike, who always admonished me to 'care for the sick, feed the hungry and clothe the naked,' I was moved by some powerful inner urge to reach out to this unfortunate person.

Wearing what can only be described as rags, carrying every worldly possession in two plastic bags, my heart was touched by this person's condition.

Yes, where some people saw only rags, I saw a true, hidden beauty.

A small voice inside my head called out, 'Reach out, reach out and touch this person!'








(http://i76.photobucket.com/albums/j35/helokat/funnies/vaga.jpg)



So, I did..


(http://i76.photobucket.com/albums/j35/helokat/funnies/bracecopy.jpg)

I wont be at mass this week.. ::whistle:: ::whistle::


Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Firegirl on October 25, 2008, 07:51:33 PM
has this already been posted before?
it's a classic:

 ;) ;D

Subject: Why men don't write advise columns

Dear Walter,

I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.

When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor girl. I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbor girl is 22. We have been married for ten years.

 When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.

 Can you please help?

 Sincerely,  Sheila

******************************

  Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.

 Walter
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Firegirl on October 26, 2008, 07:01:21 PM
That must be some damn fine paint:

 ;)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Oddball on October 26, 2008, 09:37:40 PM
 ::thinking:: I wonder if i can buy that paint on E-bay?
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on November 01, 2008, 03:56:02 AM
(http://i76.photobucket.com/albums/j35/helokat/funnies/ATT00011.jpg)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Firegirl on November 01, 2008, 05:42:21 PM
speaking of Blonde Jokes:


A Blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says 'Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident.'


The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing 'That's horrible!!! So many men dying that way!'

Confused, he says, 'Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved.'

After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, 'How many is a Brazilian?

 ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Fabo on November 03, 2008, 11:04:16 PM
Something worth confirmation of leiafee, I hope you guys dont mind I only put link:

http://www.jumbojoke.com/its_all_greek_to_us_1760.html?awt_l=CEOJV&awt_m=1aEkjtUfU7Onkr (http://www.jumbojoke.com/its_all_greek_to_us_1760.html?awt_l=CEOJV&awt_m=1aEkjtUfU7Onkr)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on November 06, 2008, 09:44:56 AM
This may have been posted before, but what the heck.  Worth a chuckle.   ;D


Rules of the Universe

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. Don't worry about what people think; they don't do it very often.

3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

6. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention! It never fails.)

7. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

8. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

9. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

10. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
 

11. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

12. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it. Embrace your differences.  Love each other.

13. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

14. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

 

15. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

16. Opportunities always look bigger after they have passed.

17. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

18. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

19. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

20. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

21. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

22. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.


23. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.

24. There is a very fine line between 'hobby' and 'mental illness.'

25. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

26. You should not confuse your career with your life.

27. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

28. Never lick a steak knife.

29. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

30. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

31. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

32. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

33. Your friends love you anyway.

34. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

35. How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: gibbo_335 on November 07, 2008, 10:23:18 PM
In a hurry to get some "action" shots and his request approved, the photographer used a cell phone to call the local airport
to charter a flight. He was told that due to the urgency, a twin engine plane would be ready and waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted the plane warming up outside a hangar.
He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted,
"Let's go".

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane down the runway and took off. 
Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot,
"Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides."

"Why?" asked the pilot.

"Because I'm the photographer for Fox Cable News," he responded.  "And I need to get some close up shots."

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered,
"So, what you're telling me is,  you're NOT my flight instructor"  :o
 
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on November 18, 2008, 06:21:52 AM
Re-post from another site---this is actually a group you can join on Facebook.. ::whistle:: ::whistle::

Have you ever met an idiot? Odds are you have.
In our society, more and more people are having to cope with being born with inferior genes. These people, being idiots breed with other idiots, and the problem gets worse. Our society, not having enough intelligent people to provide competent labor, is declining at an astonishing rate. Millions of idiots are flooding the gene-pool with inferior genes. Soon we will experience another severe depression like that of the thirties which will cripple the world.
I am offering a solution. Not everyone is an idiot, but pilots are naturally born with every advantage from being abnormally intelligent to being exceptionally good looking. These pilots, or super people, if you will, have genes that when mixed with other attractive "normal" people or other good looking pilots genes make model offspring that, if produced in large numbers, can completely fix our gene pool. The new society of superior people will be able to solve world hunger, make world peace, fix global warming, and will enter a new age of prosperity.
If you are an attractive person, it is your duty to your country and the world to sleep with a pilot today. Your children will thank you for it.
For anyone who is a pilot, good looking person or an idiot who supports this cause, join today.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: cotejy on November 18, 2008, 02:05:26 PM
Quote
If you are an attractive person, it is your duty to your country and the world to sleep with a pilot today.

LOL  ;D ::rofl:: Fair enough for me.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Oddball on November 18, 2008, 02:24:32 PM
pilot and normal? are they meant to be in the same sentence?  ::unbelieveable:: ::eek:: ::loony:: ::thinking::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on November 18, 2008, 08:10:04 PM
Uhmmm...  OK.  Sounds good to me!   8)

Now when do I tell this person I'm supposed to sleep with that I have been "fixed"?   ::knockedout::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on November 22, 2008, 07:20:37 PM
THE LAWS OF ULTIMATE REALITY

Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

Law of Gravity - Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters -The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of the Theater - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

The Starbucks Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.
 
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on November 22, 2008, 08:00:23 PM
Way cool, G-man!   |:)\  I had to forward that one on to friends and family!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: ZK Kiwi on November 23, 2008, 09:46:31 AM
They missed the law of Rain protection - Umbrellas prevent rain, carrrying one will guarantee that it will stay dry, leave it behind, rain will will come....
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Turbomallard on December 03, 2008, 10:26:41 PM
Checkrides are, apparently, a universal experience:

www.jimpitman.us/checkride.wmv

TM
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: gibbo_335 on December 04, 2008, 03:10:25 AM
A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve
and says, I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your
mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.

'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.

We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,' the father says.
'We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you
call your sister in Leeds and tell her.'

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
'Like hell they're getting divorced,' she shouts, 'I'll take care of this,'
       
She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father,
'You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there.
I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then,
don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?' and hangs up.
             
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Okay,'
he says, 'they're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way.'
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: cotejy on December 04, 2008, 02:42:39 PM
Checkrides are, apparently, a universal experience:

www.jimpitman.us/checkride.wmv

TM

Turbomallard, you made me look like a retard! I'm working in a university library and there is something like 20 students looking at me with puzzle look on their face. They probably think I'm a complete retard because I'm laughing with a stupid smile on my face since I looked at this video 10 minutes ago...
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Turbomallard on December 05, 2008, 03:36:38 AM
Checkrides are, apparently, a universal experience:

www.jimpitman.us/checkride.wmv

TM

Turbomallard, you made me look like a retard! I'm working in a university library and there is something like 20 students looking at me with puzzle look on their face. They probably think I'm a complete retard because I'm laughing with a stupid smile on my face since I looked at this video 10 minutes ago...

Hell, I've worked in academic libraries for 18 years and I gotta tell ya it takes a lot more than that to make students think that. Such as giving a lecture to a COM110 class on how to do research and trying to get them to understand that they actually WILL need to know the stuff you're trying to teach them, for example...

TM
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Oddball on December 05, 2008, 08:01:15 AM
TM that was goooooooooooddddddddd  ::rofl::  ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: cotejy on December 05, 2008, 04:06:26 PM
Quote
Hell, I've worked in academic libraries for 18 years and I gotta tell ya it takes a lot more than that to make students think that. Such as giving a lecture to a COM110 class on how to do research and trying to get them to understand that they actually WILL need to know the stuff you're trying to teach them, for example...

I know what your talking about. We found the way around this. I give each of them a remote control at the beginning of a class. I start my presentation with some basic questions and they use their remote control to vote for the correct answer. The result is automatically displayed on the screen when everyone had answered. I always have something like 90% failure. So they know right at the beginning that they need whatever I'll teach them.
Title: Checkride
Post by: Ragwing on December 08, 2008, 04:18:12 AM
They moved the checkride. ::complaining: ::banghead::

Now available at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ejnTG7d4DMo (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ejnTG7d4DMo)
 ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Ragwing on December 08, 2008, 04:21:32 AM
At work, occasionally a co-worker "accidentally" takes your lunch.
Has this happened to you?
http://www.jimpitman.us/PepsiCola.wmv (http://www.jimpitman.us/PepsiCola.wmv) ::silly::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on December 12, 2008, 09:46:25 PM
I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:

A half-gallon of  Skimmed  milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee, and
A 1 lb. package of bacon.

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single.'

I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said:  'Well, you know what, you're absolutely right.  But how on earth did you know that?'

The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.'

Title: Re: Checkride
Post by: Stef on December 13, 2008, 04:07:17 PM
They moved the checkride. ::complaining: ::banghead::

Now available at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ejnTG7d4DMo (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ejnTG7d4DMo)
 ::rofl::

Aww... no longer available! Thank you Disney Corporation!!  ::complaining:  >:(
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Stef on December 13, 2008, 04:08:11 PM
How to save the airlines from bankruptcy

Dump all the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.
Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers. What the hell -- they don't even serve food anymore, so what is the loss?
The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a party atmosphere going in the cabin. Also, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.
As the girls would receive good tips, they wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that the women could be charged for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and 'special services.'
Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.
This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right – a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.
Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?
Sincerely,

Bill Clinton

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on December 13, 2008, 05:45:30 PM
 ::) ::) ::)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on December 13, 2008, 06:43:11 PM
Word Definitions for Women

(1)Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2)Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3)Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4)Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5)Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6)That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7)Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' ... That will bring on a 'whatever').

(8)Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F**KYOU!

(9)Don't worry about it, I’ll do it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: TheSoccerMom on December 13, 2008, 07:45:29 PM
Ahh, Grasshopper!  You have done WELL to pay attention to these VERY important Rules...   ::bow::

 ::bow::

And, I know for a FACT that #2 sure has made an impression on SOME men.....   I had a relief pilot years back who, in a pleasant discovery for ole S'Mom, loved to drink beer.   ::drinking::

When he first arrived for work, of course, it was my 'Friday night', and at quitting time, we agreed to "Meet you at the rental car in 10 minutes!"  I told him I wanted to throw my bags in the room, and get a quick shower before we went out.  He had the car keys, and when I got back out to the car (in 8 or 9 minutes), he was NOWHERE to be found.

I waited...  and waited...  and WAITED...  and got annoyed..  and irritated...  and MORE annoyed.....  all the time having these luscious images of ice-cold beers flashing before my eyes.

He showed up 30 MINUTES after we'd agreed -- and then HE was mad at ME -- the first thing out of his mouth was "But, women NEVER are on time!"  He then proceeded to tell me how screwed-up I was, for being there in 10 minutes!     ::unbelieveable::

Let's just say I called him a few choice names, as I threw him bodily into the damned car, and never let him keep the car keys from that point on.  And, years later, he still tells other guys that there is something wrong with me genetically, because I thought "10 minutes" actually meant TEN MINUTES!

If anyone can ever figure all this Male-Female BS out, PLEASE come and explain it to me, okay??   ::silly::    ::banghead::

And that includes YOU, Grasshopper....     :D

 ::bow::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on December 13, 2008, 08:01:03 PM
Ahh, Grasshopper!  You have done WELL to pay attention to these VERY important Rules...   ::bow::
If anyone can ever figure all this Male-Female BS out, PLEASE come and explain it to me, okay??   ::silly::    ::banghead::

I think I got it:

(http://i76.photobucket.com/albums/j35/helokat/funnies/cbghs1148446666.jpg)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on December 13, 2008, 08:04:55 PM
Quote
If anyone can ever figure all this Male-Female BS out, PLEASE come and explain it to me, okay??

Don't even bother with me...  I am not genetically capable of figuring it out.  Just send me another beer please so I can cope by forgetting about it!  Hehe.   ::drinking:: ::drinking:: ::drinking::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on December 14, 2008, 06:31:24 AM
A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still In
their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers
strewn all around the front yard.

The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house
and there was no sign of the dog.

Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been
knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.   In the
front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family
room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.  In the
kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the
counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the
floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small  pile of  sand
was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of
clothes, looking for his wife.
He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened.


He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the
bathroom door.   As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap
and more 
toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and
toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls. As he rushed to
the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her
pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how
his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, 'What  happened
here today?'
She again smiled and answered, 'You know everyday when you come home
from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?'

'Yes,' was his incredulous reply.
She answered, 'Well, today I didn't do it.'

 ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on December 14, 2008, 05:11:25 PM
..this is what's gonna happen to me one day, I already see the onset of CRS in myself . . .


An elderly gent was invited to an old friends' home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 60 years, and clearly they were still very much in love.

While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, 'I think it's wonderful that after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names.'

The old man hung his head.   'I have to tell you the truth,' he said, 'Her name slipped my mind about ten years ago, and I'm scared to death to ask her what it is!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyvBoy on December 16, 2008, 09:36:51 PM
"Herlong traffic,Glider 2414R Left base rnwy 25, herlong"

This is more of a personal experience w/ my Flight instructor and a good joke. ::rofl::

Men are intuctual hunters, we go kill a buffalo for food and nothing else. When we get home, women are ALWAYS there to nag  ::complaining: that we got the wrong meat. ::banghead::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on December 19, 2008, 06:37:23 PM
Mom's Drivers License

A Mom is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date.
"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"
"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother warns. "It is not polite."
"Okay," the little girl says, "how much do you weigh?"
"Now really," the mother says, "these are personal questions and are really none of your business."
Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"
"That is enough questions, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.   
"My Mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend.   
"Well," said the friend, "all you need to do is look at her driver’s license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."   
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, “I know how old you are. You are 32."   
The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"   
"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."   
The mother is past surprise and shock now. "How in heavens name did you find that out?"   
"And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce."   
"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"   
"Because you got an F in sex."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on December 19, 2008, 07:19:33 PM
Ah... Wisdom from the mouths of babes...   ::thinking:: ::)
Title: Re: Checkride
Post by: Ragwing on December 22, 2008, 05:15:45 AM
They moved the checkride. ::complaining: ::banghead::

Now available at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ejnTG7d4DMo (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ejnTG7d4DMo)
 ::rofl::

Aww... no longer available! Thank you Disney Corporation!!  ::complaining:  >:(
Where there is a will, there is a way
http://www.metacafe.com/watch/810697/pixar_lifted/ (http://www.metacafe.com/watch/810697/pixar_lifted/)
Better hurry, Disney has more lawyers.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyvBoy on December 24, 2008, 01:00:48 AM
Merry Whatever you celebrate!

For me it's Christmas:
(http://micom.net/oops/No%20Xmas.jpg)

Chuck... Hw did they EVER let you fly that? ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on December 30, 2008, 08:29:48 PM
Wildest Christmas dinner

 
**This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinners. It won first prize.****
***

 
As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.
 
What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.
 
One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.
 
If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go.  **You'll** only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, ‘What does this do?' 'You're kidding me!' 'Who would buy that?' Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.
 
I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.
 
Finding what I wanted was difficult. 'Love Dolls' come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for 'Lovable Louise.' She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a 'doll' took a huge leap of imagination. On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.
 
My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray.  I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.
 
The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy, but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.
 
We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

 My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. 'What the hell is that?' she asked.


My brother quickly explained, 'It's a doll.'
 
'Who would play with something like that?' Granny snapped.
 
I kept my mouth shut.

 'Where are her clothes?' Granny continued.
 
'Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,' Jay said, to steer her into the dining room.
 
But Granny was relentless. 'Why doesn't she have any teeth?'

Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, ‘Hang on Granny, hang on!'

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, ' Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?' I told him she was Jay's friend.
 
A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise.
Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.

Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.
 
It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
 
Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.

 I can't wait until next Christmas!

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on January 05, 2009, 12:08:45 AM
4 Words, 2 Meanings

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female - Any part under a car's hood (bonnet).
Male - The strap fastener on a woman's bra.


2. VULNERABLE (vul -ne-ra-bull) adj.
Female - Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male - Playing football without a cup.


3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shun) n.
Female - The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male - Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.


4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female - A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male - Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on January 05, 2009, 06:33:38 AM
Redneck Reboot:
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Stef on January 05, 2009, 10:19:42 PM
How awesome is that?!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on January 06, 2009, 09:50:52 PM
A mother and her young inquisitive son were flying Singapore Airlines from Singapore to New York.
The son, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and asked, "If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?"
The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the pretty flight attendant.

So, the boy dutifully walked up the aisle and asked the flight attendant, "If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?"
"Did your mother tell you to ask me that?" the attendant asked the lad.

The little boy admitted that she did.

"Well, then, tell your mother there are no baby planes because Singapore Airlines always pulls out on time," said the pretty flight attendant. "I'm sure she won't have any trouble explaining that to you.
"
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Ragwing on January 13, 2009, 05:19:23 AM
You have not flown until you have flown SAFESEX AIRLINES
http://www.buzzhumor.com/videos/14686/Safe_Sex_Airlines (http://www.buzzhumor.com/videos/14686/Safe_Sex_Airlines)

This has been a public service announcement
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on January 19, 2009, 09:46:02 PM
The World's Shortest Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?'
The girl said, 'NO!' And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and left the toilet seat up.

The End

 >:D |:)\
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Oddball on January 19, 2009, 10:35:28 PM
The World's Shortest Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?'
The girl said, 'NO!' And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and left the toilet seat up.

The End

 >:D |:)\

Where do i sign up?
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: TheSoccerMom on January 19, 2009, 10:55:43 PM
The World's Happiest Fairy Tale:

Once upon a time, five guys asked a girl to marry them.  The girl said "NO, NO, NO, NO and NO!"

And she lived happily ever after, and rode horses and went camping and rode fast motorcyles and traveled everywhere she wanted whenever she wanted and flew airplanes all over the country down in the burning trees and drank great beers from all over and jumped out of airplanes with SEALs and fought fire all over and mapped tropical thunderstorms and raised wolves and flew floats and howled at the moon and wore makeup only on Halloween and left the toilet seat down and loved every minute of it.

The End.

 ;)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Turbomallard on January 20, 2009, 01:25:16 AM
The World's Happiest Fairy Tale:

Once upon a time, five guys asked a girl to marry them.  The girl said "NO, NO, NO, NO and NO!"

And she lived happily ever after, and rode horses and went camping and rode fast motorcyles and traveled everywhere she wanted whenever she wanted and flew airplanes all over the country down in the burning trees and drank great beers from all over and jumped out of airplanes with SEALs and fought fire all over and mapped tropical thunderstorms and raised wolves and flew floats and howled at the moon and wore makeup only on Halloween and left the toilet seat down and loved every minute of it.

The End.

 ;)

But what are you going to say when the sixth guy asks...? ::whistle::

TM
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: TheSoccerMom on January 20, 2009, 02:23:33 AM
BWAAAA HAAAA!    ::rofl::

Oh SILLY Turbo-Duck,

It's a FAIRY TALE!!!!!!!!!! 

You silly quacker..........!!!!!!!!!!!    ::rofl::

 ;)

 :D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Turbomallard on January 20, 2009, 03:37:24 AM
BWAAAA HAAAA!    ::rofl::

Oh SILLY Turbo-Duck,

It's a FAIRY TALE!!!!!!!!!! 

You silly quacker..........!!!!!!!!!!!    ::rofl::

 ;)

 :D

Why am I not convinced by that statement...?  ::angel::

TM

P.S. If anyone ever asks you to convert an entire ground school course from the Jep text to the [CENSORED] FAA texts... tell them to [CENSORED] their [CENSORED] while keeping the left leg of the stuffed goose [CENSORED] and the battery [CENSORED]. Mutter, mutter...
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: vldflight on January 20, 2009, 03:45:30 PM
I did it, took a little over a week since discovering this great site, but I have finnally read each and every page of this thread.  Loved it, thanks for making a South Georgia avaiation nut, a very happy nut.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: gibbo_335 on January 21, 2009, 02:09:45 AM
It was our pleasure  ;D ...WELCOME TO THE COOP  |:)\
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on January 21, 2009, 07:33:37 AM
Hey, welcome to da coop vldflight!   ::wave::  Would I be guessing correctly that you are based at Valdosta?  What are you flying there?

Please post an intro for yourself in the "Introduce Yourself" section of the Forum.  We'll be all ears!   |:)\

RC
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Skygal on January 22, 2009, 03:09:16 PM
The World's Happiest Fairy Tale:

Once upon a time, five guys asked a girl to marry them.  The girl said "NO, NO, NO, NO and NO!"

And she lived happily ever after, and rode horses and went camping and rode fast motorcyles and traveled everywhere she wanted whenever she wanted and flew airplanes all over the country down in the burning trees and drank great beers from all over and jumped out of airplanes with SEALs and fought fire all over and mapped tropical thunderstorms and raised wolves and flew floats and howled at the moon and wore makeup only on Halloween and left the toilet seat down and loved every minute of it.

The End.

 ;)


Some need to say "I DO" more than once before they realize "I DON'T" and that the only reason the toilet should be up is for cleaning  ::)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: vldflight on January 22, 2009, 05:33:45 PM
Women and marriage are a lot like airplanes:

1.  They both can leave you broke.
2.  Both are beautifull from a distance, its that closer inspection that can get you.
3.  You swear a thousand times to give em up, but always end up trying it again.
4.  Alchohol and either one don't mix.  You can end up with an ugly one or dead.  Not sure which is worse.

NOTE:  To the ladies you may just as easily substitute Man for women in this.  Please don't take offense and fly over my house droping heavy objects on my person.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: gibbo_335 on January 27, 2009, 09:53:08 PM
Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink by any woman.

Many females use a date-rape-drug on the market called 'Beer' .

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large kegs.

Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them.

A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several Beers , men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking Beer , men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that 'something bad' occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as 'a relationship'. In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as 'marriage'.

Men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

If you fall victim to this 'Beer' scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.

For the support group nearest you, just look up 'Golf Courses' in the phone book
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Oddball on January 27, 2009, 10:35:23 PM
looks like I was one of many to have fallen for this Gibbo......but the golf course help line wont help me since i hate golf....any other suggestions?  ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Frank N. O. on January 27, 2009, 10:37:15 PM
looks like I was one of many to have fallen for this Gibbo......but the golf course help line wont help me since i hate golf....any other suggestions?  ::rofl::
Uhm, how about a pilot bar? :D (ok I haven't even had a crush/date in my life so I'm really unqualified but still, I try :D)

Frank
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Oddball on January 27, 2009, 10:46:36 PM
are you kidding Frank? me a traine mech in the pilot's bar? they will probably put old newspapers down on  for me to walk on to stop any oil dripping onto the carpet lol
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on January 28, 2009, 07:09:44 AM
are you kidding Frank? me a traine mech in the pilot's bar? they will probably put old newspapers down on  for me to walk on to stop any oil dripping onto the carpet lol

Yup.  Gotta house train 'em... just like a puppy dog.  Hehe.   >:D

j/k
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Oddball on January 28, 2009, 11:59:50 AM
are you kidding Frank? me a traine mech in the pilot's bar? they will probably put old newspapers down on  for me to walk on to stop any oil dripping onto the carpet lol

Yup.  Gotta house train 'em... just like a puppy dog.  Hehe.   >:D

j/k

Carefull Rooster or i might put a bannana or a potatoe up the jet pipe on your PC12......
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: gibbo_335 on January 28, 2009, 07:00:11 PM
looks like I was one of many to have fallen for this Gibbo......but the golf course help line wont help me since i hate golf....any other suggestions?  ::rofl::

Oddy, the local aero club (even some R/C Model Aero Clubs) have members of the same help community mate :D  ::drinking::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Oddball on January 29, 2009, 08:49:53 AM
Been grounded for a while Gibbo so have not been out to the club site recently.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on January 30, 2009, 02:54:56 PM
It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a Chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared. But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Ragwing on February 01, 2009, 01:55:26 AM
At a recent software engineering management course in the US, the participants were given an awkward question to answer:

"If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software how many of you would disembark immediately?"

Among the ensuing forest of raised hands, only one man sat motionless.
When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay onboard.

With his team's software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off.
 ::loony:: ::loony:: ::loony::
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City:

The flight attendant came on the intercom and said,
"That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking,
I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault.....it was the asphalt!"
 ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on February 04, 2009, 01:16:11 AM
Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called in a
repairman.  Since she had to go to work the next day,
she told the repairman, I'll leave the key under the mat.
Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and
I'll mail you a cheque.'

'Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike.  He won't
bother you.

But, whatever you do, DO NOT, under ANY circumstances,
talk to my parrot!'

'I MUST STRESS TO YOU:  DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!'

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the
following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking
dog he had ever seen.  But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with
his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.

Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer
and yelled, 'Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!'

To which the parrot replied, 'Get him, Spike!'

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: TheSoccerMom on February 05, 2009, 06:51:47 PM
Long winters will do this to people.........


"Snorkeling in Northern Ontario":



Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on February 05, 2009, 06:57:21 PM
Long winters will do this to people.........


"Snorkeling in Northern Ontario":





 ::eek:: ::eek:: ::eek:: ::eek:: ::eek:: ::eek:: ::eek:: ::eek::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: cotejy on February 05, 2009, 08:07:58 PM
Quote
Long winters will do this to people.........

Long winters + a few guys getting drunk,... then someone will say the magic words: "I bet you can't do [insert_stupid_chalenge_here]".

Been there done that and had the chance not to be caught on camera... But once, I had the embarassing moment of explaining to a doctor that my 2 foots are burned because I won a bet.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on February 05, 2009, 10:28:13 PM
Long winters will do this to people.........
"Snorkeling in Northern Ontario":

What? No one in any other countries do that? Looks like us Canucks are the only ones who know how to have fun!! ;D ;D ;D ::) ::)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Oddball on February 06, 2009, 07:52:14 AM
that brings on a diffrent meaning of a "skin dive".
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on February 06, 2009, 07:58:37 PM
This comes from a search-and-rescue pilot at Canadian Forces Base, Bagotville, Québec. It allegedly happened late one night during bad weather, as heard over the tower radio:

First Voice (helicopter pilot):
"Roger, I'm holding at 3,000 over the beacon."

Second Voice (panicky):
"No, you can't be doing that — I'm holding at 3,000 over that beacon!"

[Brief pause.]

First Voice (again):
"You idiot — you're my co-pilot."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Oddball on February 07, 2009, 07:53:23 AM
Hmm  ::thinking:: 
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on February 07, 2009, 05:02:27 PM
This comes from a search-and-rescue pilot at Canadian Forces Base, Bagotville, Québec. It allegedly happened late one night during bad weather, as heard over the tower radio:

First Voice (helicopter pilot):
"Roger, I'm holding at 3,000 over the beacon."

Second Voice (panicky):
"No, you can't be doing that — I'm holding at 3,000 over that beacon!"

[Brief pause.]

First Voice (again):
"You idiot — you're my co-pilot."


A helicopter at 3000ft ??  ::eek::

.....must be a fake ....
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Oddball on February 07, 2009, 05:04:05 PM
Think you have too many 0's in there R/C  ::thinking::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on February 08, 2009, 08:52:02 AM
Think you have too many 0's in there R/C  ::thinking::

Perhaps the author of this little email to me put it in there, buddy.  I just did the ole' copy and paste routine.   ;) |:)\
Title: Low Flying Drunks
Post by: Ragwing on February 11, 2009, 04:35:59 AM
(1996, Canada) Sleeping residents of Chilliwack were awakened early one morning by the sound of a small aircraft flying lower than usual.
The engine noise was like a mosquito, zooming too close too quick, then veering away. What the bleep was going on?

In the wee hours of the night, during a bout of heavy drinking, two future Darwin Award nominees concluded that, with neither had a pilot's license nor flight training, they nevertheless knew enough to pilot an aircraft, knew all they needed to know to at a local dive.
They drew the obvious conclusion, and decided to take a plane from the small local airport for a drunken joyride over the city.
They invited two females along for the ride; fortunately, the level-headed ladies declined.

From idea to execution, the plan evolved quickly.
One of the gentlemen worked at the airport and had access to the tarmac.
The two men then managed to unlock a plane and get it off the ground and into the sky.
They went on to buzz around in the dark, skimming above the roofs of the houses.
This went on for an extended period of time.

Eventually they decided to land.
They attempted to land on the grassy median between east and west-bound lanes of the Trans Canada Highway.
They almost made it under the electrical wires that cross the median. Almost.
Where these wires were concerned, fate intervened.
Instead of making a soft landing on the grassy verge, the tail clipped the wires, sending the aircraft diving nose-first into the ground and killing both occupants.

Only then were the sleepy Chilliwack residents able to return to their REM sleep.
 ::silly:: ::sweat:: ::eek::
Ref:  http://www.darwinawards.com/darwin/darwin2008-23.html (http://www.darwinawards.com/darwin/darwin2008-23.html)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: TheSoccerMom on February 11, 2009, 04:53:37 AM
Holy cow!!    ::unbelieveable::

But -- they COULD have been aspiring airline pilots..  I just heard on the radio last week, that the PASSENGERS on an Aeroflot flight saw that the Captain was obviously impaired.  Upon bringing it to the attention of the flight attendants, they were threatened and told to sit down, or the flight would be late.  They insisted on speaking to the entire flight crew..  after some arguing, they finally did so...  they said the Captain couldn't even stand up, but the CREW argued with the passengers that it didn't matter!

My favorite line from the whole exchange was something along the lines of "What difference does it make -- don't you know this thing can fly itself anyway??!!??!"

They finally won out and got the new crew they demanded, but the airline was furious at THEM for holding everything up.  WOW.

 ::)

 :o

(I can't recall the flight's destination -- it may have been the States -- but it happened in Decmeber '08, I believe...)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Ragwing on February 11, 2009, 05:34:37 AM
Capt Cheplevsky emerged from the cockpit. Passengers alleged that he was red-faced, had bloodshot eyes and appeared unsteady on his feet.

Attempting to intercede in the dispute, he made passengers an offer, saying:
"I'll sit here quietly in a corner. We have three more pilots. I won't even touch the controls, I promise."

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/europe/russia/4448262/Aeroflot-says-drunk-pilot-no-big-deal.html (http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/europe/russia/4448262/Aeroflot-says-drunk-pilot-no-big-deal.html)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on February 11, 2009, 06:48:06 AM
Holy Smokes!!!   ::unbelieveable:: ::unbelieveable:: ::unbelieveable::  I'm glad that hasn't happened on the Aeroflot flights I've been on!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Oddball on February 11, 2009, 02:36:49 PM
Ive been on some scary internal Aeroflot flights in my time still to tramatised to talk about them  ::sweat:: ::sweat::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: ZK Kiwi on February 11, 2009, 07:35:36 PM
According to the report on Avweb, blood tests showed no alcohol, they suspect the Pilot suffered a stroke of some sort.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: TheSoccerMom on February 11, 2009, 09:11:02 PM
Well, whatever the hell was wrong with him, it shouldn't have taken a standoff to get a crew that was safe to fly.....  the flight attendants were quite angry and defensive, according to the interview with the passengers.

One passenger said the Captain fell against the side of the cabin while they were having their little "discussion".  He said the other crew members were propping him up.  That was before the crew fell upon their ultimate logical solution, of how the "airplane flies itself anyway".... 

Yeah, right......   ::loony::

 ::loony::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Ragwing on February 12, 2009, 05:42:51 AM
Holy Smokes!!!   I'm glad that hasn't happened on the Aeroflot flights I've been on!
Just a few months ago, an Aeroflot flight crashed killing 88 and they found alcohol in the captains body.
You just cannot separate the Russian from the Vodka.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on February 12, 2009, 06:10:09 AM
Holy Smokes!!!   I'm glad that hasn't happened on the Aeroflot flights I've been on!
Just a few months ago, an Aeroflot flight crashed killing 88 and they found alcohol in the captains body.
You just cannot separate the Russian from the Vodka.

 :o  I don't think I'm going to show this to my wife.  She'd be personally insulted.  Perhaps you mean Russian MEN from the Vodka?   ::thinking::

RC
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on February 16, 2009, 03:27:17 AM
Peep-Show for all you chick lovers!!  ;D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: gibbo_335 on February 16, 2009, 03:53:04 AM
BAH HA HA HA HA Mike!!!!
 ::) ummm new keyboard pleez this one has coffee all over it  :D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on February 17, 2009, 05:13:17 PM
Why parents should always check their children's homework before they hand it in:


A first grade girl handed in the drawing below for a homework assignment.

(http://i76.photobucket.com/albums/j35/helokat/funnies/schooldrawing.jpg)


After it was graded and the child brought it home, she returned to school the next day with the following note:
 

Dear Ms. Davis,
 
I want to be very clear on my child's illustration.  It is NOT of me on a dance pole on a stage in a strip joint.  I work at Home Depot and had commented to my daughter how much money we made in the recent snowstorm.  This photo is of me selling a shovel.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Oddball on February 17, 2009, 06:15:42 PM
Hmm that is one large "shovel".
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: cotejy on February 17, 2009, 10:29:34 PM
I feel sorry for the father of this kid...

If this man saw the drawing, for sure he start laughing very loud. No question about it. THEN: Kid was crying because her father was laughing at her drawing. Mother came to see what was going on and became angry at her husband for laughing at this... plus, she can't be angry at the kid who is inocent in this case so she focus her anger at the poor man.

And the man slept on the floor with the dog for 3 days. I drink for the poor man, a colateral damage in this situation... ::drinking::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Ragwing on February 18, 2009, 02:33:26 AM
It looks like you lost your picture.
This will make a lot more sense.
(http://mrserge.lv/wp-content/when-i-grow-up-i-want-to-be-like-mommy.jpg)



Maybe we should sneak this poster onto the minivan
(http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_3QqO8EXd-II/R9Vx9aQns7I/AAAAAAAAOk8/COJYXkkkrfo/s400/pole_dancing.jpg)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on February 19, 2009, 07:01:09 AM
A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, about 2 hours.'
A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?¢ The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.'
A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?¢ The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a half.'
The guy left.
The barber turned to a friend and said, 'Hey, Bill, do me a favor.'
Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back.'
A little while later Bill returned to the shop laughing hysterically.
The barber asked, 'So where does that guy go when he leaves?'
Bill looked up, tears in his eyes and said, 'Your house.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on February 24, 2009, 01:59:57 AM
Important facts

-Food takes 7 seconds to travel from mouth to stomach

-A human hair can support a 6 pound weight

-A man's penis is on average 3 times the size of his thumb

-The hip bone is denser than cement

-A woman's heart beats faster than a man's

-Women blink two times as often as men

-The human body uses 300 muscles just to maintain equilibrium while standing

-If your saliva can't dissolve food, you can't taste it

-Human skin is twice as dense as brain tissue

-Women reading this message finished reading it before the men. The men are still measuring their thumb
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: TheSoccerMom on February 24, 2009, 03:39:45 AM
BWAAA HAAAAA, now THAT if funny, Gil!!!!!!!!!!!!

 ::bow::

 ::bow::

 ::wave::

(You always come up with the good ones........  )

 :D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Oddball on February 24, 2009, 04:49:02 PM
ok who stole my ruler?
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on February 24, 2009, 09:51:28 PM
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem.  I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say just one thing!"
What do they say?" the priest inquired.

They say,   "Hi, we're hookers!  Do you want to have some fun?"

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed; then he thought for a moment.

"You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem! I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.  Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.  My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying . . . that phrase . . in no time!"

"Thank you," the woman responded,  "this may very well be the solution!"

The next day,  she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.

As he ushered her in,  she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.

Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

There was stunned silence.

Shocked,  one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed,  "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!"
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on March 01, 2009, 10:15:46 PM
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realise it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'

'Yes, I do.' said Bob

'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'.
 
'She just died and left me everything.'
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on March 05, 2009, 01:24:57 AM
Dear Tide,

I am writing to say what wonderful product you have! I've used it all my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best.


Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better!

In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck.


One thing led to another and, somehow, I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative and, to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out!

In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my lawyer called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.


What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product.


Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on March 10, 2009, 12:53:35 AM
Men, please pass this on to your wives/sweethearts.  I just know they'll appreciate it...



 Please be  aware!

You've heard about people who have been abducted and had  their kidneys
removed by black-market organ thieves.

My  thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. I went  to
sleep and woke up with someone else's thighs.
It was just  that quick.
The replacements had the texture of cooked oatmeal.  Whose thighs were these
and what happened to mine? I spent the  entire summer looking for my thighs.
Finally, hurt and angry, I  resigned myself to living out my life in jeans.
And then the  thieves struck again.

My butt was next. I knew it was the same  gang, because they took pains to
match my new rear-end to the  thighs they had stuck me with earlier.
But my new butt was attached  at least three inches lower than my original! I
realized I'd have  to give up my jeans in favor of long skirts.

Two years ago I  realized my arms had been switched. One morning I was fixing
my  hair and was horrified to see the flesh of my upper arm swing to and  fro
with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary  - my body
was being replaced one section at a time. What could they  do to me next?

When my poor neck suddenly disappeared and was  replaced with a turkey neck,
I decided to tell my story. Women of  the world, wake up and smell the
coffee! Those 'plastic' surgeons  are using REAL replacement body parts
-stolen from you and me! The  next time someone you know has something
'lifted', look again - was  it lifted from you?

THIS IS NOT A HOAX. This is happening to  women everywhere every night...
WARN YOUR FRIENDS!

PS. Last  year I thought someone had stolen my Boobs. I was lying in bed  and
they were gone! But when I jumped out of bed, I was relieved to  see that
they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept. Now I  keep them hidden
in my waistband.

Thought this was too  'important' not to pass on Have a wonderful day - with
a joy filled  heart These same thieves came into my closet and shrank my
clothes!  How do they do it???

 ::loony:: ::loony:: ::loony:: ::loony:: ::loony::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Ragwing on March 10, 2009, 02:29:47 AM
Sometimes taking a dog for a walk can be intimidating.

(http://usera.imagecave.com/r_crusoe/GRAFIKS/gatordog.jpg)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Firegirl on March 10, 2009, 03:44:21 PM
Men, please pass this on to your wives/sweethearts.  I just know they'll appreciate it...



 Please be  aware!

You've heard about people who have been abducted and had  their kidneys
removed by black-market organ thieves.

My  thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. I went  to
sleep and woke up with someone else's thighs.
It was just  that quick.
The replacements had the texture of cooked oatmeal.  Whose thighs were these
and what happened to mine? I spent the  entire summer looking for my thighs.
Finally, hurt and angry, I  resigned myself to living out my life in jeans.
And then the  thieves struck again.

My butt was next. I knew it was the same  gang, because they took pains to
match my new rear-end to the  thighs they had stuck me with earlier.
But my new butt was attached  at least three inches lower than my original! I
realized I'd have  to give up my jeans in favor of long skirts.

Two years ago I  realized my arms had been switched. One morning I was fixing
my  hair and was horrified to see the flesh of my upper arm swing to and  fro
with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary  - my body
was being replaced one section at a time. What could they  do to me next?

When my poor neck suddenly disappeared and was  replaced with a turkey neck,
I decided to tell my story. Women of  the world, wake up and smell the
coffee! Those 'plastic' surgeons  are using REAL replacement body parts
-stolen from you and me! The  next time someone you know has something
'lifted', look again - was  it lifted from you?

THIS IS NOT A HOAX. This is happening to  women everywhere every night...
WARN YOUR FRIENDS!

PS. Last  year I thought someone had stolen my Boobs. I was lying in bed  and
they were gone! But when I jumped out of bed, I was relieved to  see that
they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept. Now I  keep them hidden
in my waistband.

Thought this was too  'important' not to pass on Have a wonderful day - with
a joy filled  heart These same thieves came into my closet and shrank my
clothes!  How do they do it???

 ::loony:: ::loony:: ::loony:: ::loony:: ::loony::


I have NO IDEA what you're talking about RC ??  ::) ::) ::)
....not getting this joke (must be a blonde thing)  ;D ;)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on March 11, 2009, 05:14:37 AM
Bless you, Firegirl for not getting it!   ::bow:: ::bow:: ::bow::

This means you are still a lovely young thing that young boys are chasing everywhere they can whenever they aren't confused with what to do with their tool!  Hehe.

Someday, you may get it.  If, as, and when that happens... please give me a call.   >:D >:D >:D

I'll happily chase ya around my nursing home room in my wheelchair!  Hehe.   :P
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Oddball on March 11, 2009, 01:57:45 PM
Ill leave a room open fur ye where im working just now R/C  :P
Title: Sean O'Toole
Post by: Ragwing on March 14, 2009, 02:11:04 PM
Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in Monaghan's flat in Dungarvan when Sean O'Toole loses €700 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up. Michael Lennon looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone's got to tell Sean's wife. Who will it be?'

They draw straws.

Cavan Colquhoun picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet and gentle and not to make a bad situation any worse.' Discreet? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me.' announces Cavan.

He goes over to O'Toole's house and knocks on the door.

Brenda O'Toole answers and asks what he wants. Cavan declares: 'Your husband just lost €700 and is afraid to come home.'

'Tell him to drop dead!' snarls Brenda.

' I'll go tell him.' says Cavan.

Here's to our wives and girlfriends: May they never meet!

(http://i157.photobucket.com/albums/t49/utherpendragon4/g79.gif?t=1236463194)
Title: Divorce Irish Style
Post by: Ragwing on March 14, 2009, 02:13:26 PM
"Well, Mrs. O'Connor, so you want a divorce?" the solicitor questioned his client.

"Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?"

"Oh, no," replied Mrs. O'Connor. "Sure now, we only have a carport."

The solicitor tried again. "Well, does the man beat you up?"

"No, no," said Mrs. O'Connor, looking puzzled. "I'm always first out of bed."

Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again. "Well, does he go in for unnatural connubial practices?"

"Sure now, he plays the flute, but I don't think he knows anything about the connubial. "

Now desperate, the solicitor pushed on. "What I'm trying to find out are what grounds you have."

"Bless you, sir. We live in a flat -- not even a window box, let alone grounds."

"Mrs. O'Connor," the solicitor said in considerable exasperation, "you need a reason that the court can consider. What is the reason for you seeking this divorce?"

"Ah, well now," said the lady, "Sure it's because the man can't hold an intelligent conversation."

(http://s157.photobucket.com/albums/t49/utherpendragon4/th_irish.gif)
Title: Countdown to St. Patricks Day Continues
Post by: Ragwing on March 14, 2009, 02:16:12 PM
(http://i157.photobucket.com/albums/t49/utherpendragon4/StPaddy.jpg?t=1205686142)
Title: Irish Wedding Tale
Post by: Ragwing on March 14, 2009, 02:17:34 PM
A wedding occurred, just outside Cavan in Ireland. To keep tradition going,
everyone got drunk and the bride's and groom's families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the crap out of each other.

The Police get called in to break up the fight. The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the court room until the Judge finally brings calm with the use of his hammer, shouting "Silence in Court".

The court room goes silent and Paddy (the best man) stands up and says, "Judge.. I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened".

The Judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the Best Man gets the first dance with the Bride. The judge says "OK".

"Well", said Paddy, "After I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song.. when all of a sudden the Groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the Bride an unmerciful kick in her privates".

The Judge instantly responded... "God.. that must of hurt!"

Paddy replies "HURT!.. He broke three of my fingers."

(http://th168.photobucket.com/albums/u180/gothfreaks/th_shamrocks.gif)
Title: Three Brothers
Post by: Ragwing on March 14, 2009, 02:21:56 PM
Finnegan walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "what'll you have?"
He says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please."

So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more.

The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I'll bring you a fresh cold one."

Finnegan says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking together.

The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition. Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.

The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."

Finnegan said, "Oh, me brothers are fine - I just quit drinking."
(http://th132.photobucket.com/albums/q36/adam-gaucher/th_guinness.jpg)
Title: Two days until St. Patricks Day
Post by: Ragwing on March 15, 2009, 01:29:10 PM
Irish Whiskey is a whiskey made in Ireland. There are several types of whiskey common to Ireland: Single Malt, Single Grain, Pure Pot Still and Blended Whiskey.

The word whiskey is an Anglicisation of the ancient Gaelic term "uisce beatha" which translates as "water of life". (The Craythur is a modern Irish term for whiskey, from 'the creature', as in 'created'...) The Irish spell the drink "whiskey" while the Scottish drop the "e".

Although it is similar to Scotch whisky in many ways, the main difference is that most Irish whiskey is distilled three times, whereas most Scotch is distilled only twice. Another way Irish Whiskey differs is that peat is almost never used in the malting process, so the smoky, earthy overtones common to many Scotches are not present. There are notable exceptions to these "rules" in both countries; an example is Connemara Peated Irish Malt whiskey.

There are far fewer distilleries of Irish whiskey than there are of Scotch. Economic difficulties in the last couple of centuries have led to a great number of mergers and closures. Currently there are only three distilleries operating in Ireland (although each produces a number of different whiskeys): Midleton, Bushmills, and Cooley. Only Cooley's is Irish-owned.

Irish whiskey comes in several forms. There is single malt whiskey made from 100% malted barley distilled in a pot still, and grain whiskey made from grains distilled in a column still. Grain whiskey is much lighter and more neutral in flavour than single malt and is almost never bottled as a single grain. It is instead used to blend with single malt to produce a lighter blended whiskey.

Unique to Irish whiskey is pure pot still whiskey. While single malt whisk(e)y from both Scotland and Ireland is distilled only in a pot still, the designation "pure pot still" as used in Ireland generally refers to whiskey made of 100% barley, mixed malted and unmalted, and distilled in a pot still. The "green" unmalted barley gives the traditional pure pot still whiskey a spicy, uniquely Irish quality. Like single malt, pure pot still is sold as such or blended with grain whiskey. Usually no real distinction is made between whether a blended whiskey was made from single malt or pure pot still.

Irish whiskey is believed to be one of the earliest distilled beverages in Europe, dating to the mid-12th century. The Old Bushmills Distillery lays claim to being the oldest licensed distillery in the world since gaining a licence from James I in 1608.

Here's to the contributions of the Irish
 ::drinking:: ::drinking:: ::drinking::
Title: FATHER FLAHERTY
Post by: Ragwing on March 15, 2009, 01:36:43 PM
Mrs. Donovan was walking down O’Connell Street in Dublin when she met Father Flaherty.

The Father said, ‘Top o’ the mornin’ to ye! Aren’t ye Mrs. Donovan and didn’t I marry ye and yer hoosband 2 years ago?’

She replied, ‘Aye, that ye did, Fadder.’

The Father asked, ‘And be there any wee little ones yet?’

She replied, ‘No, not yet, Fadder.’

The Father said, ‘Well, now, I’m goin’ to Rome next week and I’ll light a candle for ye and yer hoosband.’

She replied, ‘Oh, thank ye , Fadder.’ They then parted ways.

Some years later they met again. The Father asked, ‘Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?’

She replied, ‘Oh, very well, Fadder!’

The Father asked, ‘And tell me, have ye any been blessed wit wee ones yet?’

She replied, ‘Oh yes, Fadder! T’ree sets o’twins and 4 singles, 10 in all!’

The Father said, ‘That’s wonderful! How is yer loving hoosband doing?’

She replied, ‘E’s gone to Rome to blow out yer stinking candle.’

(http://th216.photobucket.com/albums/cc117/asecretjournal/th_candle.gif)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on March 27, 2009, 04:20:44 AM
Latest  Florida State Budget Cut - K9s

 
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on April 06, 2009, 07:27:24 PM
The difference between teachers and educators:

According to a news report, Golden Grove high school was recently faced with a unique problem.

A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out along-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Priceless!

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers....and then there are educators!!!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on April 06, 2009, 11:25:36 PM
OH MY GOD!!  ::unbelieveable::

That's awesome!!

 ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on April 15, 2009, 02:20:58 PM
What do you call a helicopter pilot in a suit and tie?







Wait for it..And I can attest to this one.. ::whistle:: ::whistle::






" The defendant"..  ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::whistle:: ::whistle::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Chopper Doc on April 24, 2009, 03:42:37 AM
Nice, G-Man
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Stef on April 27, 2009, 10:25:49 AM
Try this:

Go to Google, type in "find chuck norris" and hit "I'm feeling lucky"  ;D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Oddball on April 27, 2009, 12:26:03 PM
I had to go by a diffrent route to find that one Stef  ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on April 29, 2009, 10:30:54 PM
 LIE  DETECTOR!
 John  was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual  gimmick.  His  wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to  change.
 One  day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases.
 It  was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

> It  was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy,
> their  11 year old son, returned home from school.
> Tommy  was over 2 hours late..
>   
> 'Where  have you been?
> Why  are you over 2 hours late getting home?' asked
> John.
>
> 'Several  of us went to the library to work on an extra
> credit project,' said
>  Tommy.
>   
> The  robot then walked around the table and slapped  Tommy,
>
> knocking  him completely out of his chair.
>   
> 'Son,'  said John,
> 'this  robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you
> really were after
> school..'
>   
> 'We  went to Bobby's house and watched a
> movie.' said Tommy.
>
> 'What  did you watch?' asked Marsha.
>   
> 'The  Ten Commandments.' answered Tommy.
>   
> The  robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped
> him,
> knocking  him off his chair once more.
>   
> With  his lip quivering, Tommy got up,
> sat  down and said, 'I am sorry I lied.
> We  really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'
>   
> 'I  am ashamed of you son,' said John.
> 'When  I was your age, I never lied to my parents.'
>
>   
> The  robot then walked around to John
> and  delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his
> chair.
>
> Marsha  doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and
> said,
> 'Boy,  did you ever ask for that one!
> You  can't be too mad at Tommy.
> After  all, he is your son!'
>   
> With  that the robot immediately walked around to  Marsha
> and  knocked her out of her chair, into the next room!


P.S. This is my 1300th post!!!  ::drinking:: ::drinking:: ::drinking::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on May 01, 2009, 05:09:33 PM
MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE
 
NICKNAMES:
   • If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and  Sarah.
   • If Mike , Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT:
   • When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50.  None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
   • When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY:
   • A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
   • A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need, but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS:
   • A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a  towel ...
   • The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.  A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS:

   • A woman has the last word in any argument.
   • Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE:

   • A woman worries about the future, until she gets a husband.
   • A man never worries about the future, until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS:

   • A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
   • A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE:

   • A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
   • A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP:

   • A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
   • A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL:

   • Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
   • Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING:

   • Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
   • A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: tundra_flier on May 01, 2009, 07:17:58 PM
The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically.
This virus is called Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (WORK).

If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT!!! This virus will wipe out your private life entirely. If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.

Take two good friends to the nearest liquor store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is, sadly, controlling your life. Get help immediately.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Fabo on May 02, 2009, 03:24:26 AM
   • The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.  A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

And that includes items which name is written in plain language on the box :)

Tundra Flier:

I am doing this all weekend now. Not forgeting Bothersome Oppresionist Oldman Zoidberg's Eliminator (BOOZE)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: TheSoccerMom on May 03, 2009, 05:40:48 PM
Speaking of BOOZE....

Even deer get thirsty.

 ;D

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: tundra_flier on May 04, 2009, 03:55:27 AM
Speaking of BOOZE....

Even deer get thirsty.

 ;D



Is that considered Baiting, or just a clever blind?   ::cowboy::

Phil
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: cotejy on May 04, 2009, 05:51:29 PM
Euh! Am I the only one here surprise that "drive in liquor" exist? Such think exist somewhere!

You can actually order like a bottle of burbon directly to your car. You will get it directly through the driver window and you can continue your way.




Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on May 04, 2009, 06:23:09 PM
Euh! Am I the only one here surprise that "drive in liquor" exist? Such think exist somewhere!

I'm guessing yes and yes.

They are a common sight in Louisiana---you can order drive through daiquiris. As long as it is a frozen drink with the lid on and a straw.

Louisiana Law States, (LSA 32:300---always best to carry a copy when drinking "smoothies" and driving down there ::whistle:: ::whistle:: ) : “Open alcoholic beverage container” means any bottle, can, or other receptacle that contains any amount of alcoholic beverage and to which any of the following is applicable: (i) It is open or has a broken seal. (ii) Its contents have been partially removed. “Open alcoholic beverage container” shall not mean any bottle, can, or other receptacle that contains any amount of frozen alcoholic beverage unless the lid is removed or a straw protrudes through the lid."

I know--I know--I am a welth of information..  ::drinking:: ::drinking:: ::whistle:: ::whistle::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: tundra_flier on May 04, 2009, 07:00:10 PM
Euh! Am I the only one here surprise that "drive in liquor" exist? Such think exist somewhere!

You can actually order like a bottle of burbon directly to your car. You will get it directly through the driver window and you can continue your way.






How is this any worse than walking out of the store and getting back into your car?   ???

Phil
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: cotejy on May 04, 2009, 09:59:37 PM
Euh! Am I the only one here surprise that "drive in liquor" exist? Such think exist somewhere!

You can actually order like a bottle of burbon directly to your car. You will get it directly through the driver window and you can continue your way.

How is this any worse than walking out of the store and getting back into your car?   ???

Phil

It's completly different. I'm not comfortable with the concept of drive in in general but I'm just stunt with the drive in liquor concept. Do we really need this? I mean, isn't it just great to be in front of a bottle rack and choosing them. When I go in a liquor store, I always have a general idea of what I want and I choose them on the spot with my feeling of the moment. If I need a bottle of Whisky; what interesting experience to stand there and look at the bottles. I eventually end up choosing the same bottles each time but I give myself the choice to be tempted by something else. Or I add a small 2 onces bottle of a random thing to taste.

For me, drive in are for "I need to be feed and I don't have time to sit and enjoy my meal. Give me something quick so I can hit the road again and kill some miles between here and my destination. This is not an eating experience, it's more stuffing stuff in my stomac.

I won't stop at drive in for liquor the same way I wouldn't for sushi. It's a produce that deserve the respect of choosing it carefully. Looking at him in the eye when you choose, decide to experience new things,... Scotch, Whisky, Cognac,... these guys can't be delivered the same way a burger is. But that's me...

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: BrianGMFS on May 08, 2009, 12:16:17 AM
Picture this... Interstate 93 Just south of Concord NH. The state run rest areas in both north and southbound lanes also have a state operated liquor store!!!!   ::loony::


Brian
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: tundra_flier on May 08, 2009, 12:27:13 AM
I'll have a big Mac with no pickles, a Bud and super size it please!   ::rofl::
Title: The Middle Wife
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on May 09, 2009, 12:17:58 AM
The 'Middle Wife' by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself,
but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade
classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few
sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually,
show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model
airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never,
ever place any
boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school
and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing
kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a
pillow stuffed under her sweater.

She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother,
and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.'

'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love,
and then Dad
put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for
nine months through an umbrella cord.'

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not
to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching
her in amazement.

'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh,
Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans.. 'She walked
around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is
doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)

' My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't
have a sign on the car like the domino's man. They got my Mom to lie
down in bed like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the
wall.)

'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in
case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed,
like psshhheew!' (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands
miming water flowing away.. It was too much!)

'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe,
breathe.
They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a
sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they
all said it was from Mom's play-center, (placenta) so there must be a
lot of
toys inside there. When he got o
ut, the middle wife spanked him for
crawling up in there.'

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her
seat.
I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's
show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another ' Middle
Wife' comes along.

 ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on May 27, 2009, 10:14:53 PM
People are more opposed to wearing fur than leather, because it's safer to heckle a rich lady wearing fur, then it is to heckle a motorcycle gang wearing leather!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: BrianGMFS on May 28, 2009, 01:16:22 AM
People are more opposed to wearing fur than leather, because it's safer to heckle a rich lady wearing fur, then it is to heckle a motorcycle gang wearing leather!

So very true  ::bow::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on June 01, 2009, 08:14:08 PM
A man feared his wife Gloria wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss. Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Peg, what's for dinner?'

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for dinner?' Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. 'Peg, what's for dinner?'

(I just love this)

'Frank , for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!'
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on June 03, 2009, 02:21:01 AM
man this thread is great! nice to know it's still flying after all this time! trust me! i could use the laughs!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Stef on June 03, 2009, 01:34:03 PM
Plthijnx!!!!! Wow! You're still out there somewhere!! Long time no see!!!   ::wave::  ::wave::  |:)\
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on June 03, 2009, 06:43:52 PM
man this thread is great! nice to know it's still flying after all this time! trust me! i could use the laughs!

It's the most viewed and frequented thread at CW, probably of any thread in any forum out there!!!

welcome back dude!!  ::wave::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on June 03, 2009, 09:23:58 PM
yeah, thanks guys, it's great to be back!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Fabo on June 04, 2009, 05:21:36 AM
Wow, this forum gets a lot of returns lately!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Oddball on June 04, 2009, 07:06:18 AM
Don't you know Fabo.......Once you join CW you CAN NEVER LEAVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on June 04, 2009, 02:42:39 PM
This just makes me so proud of the education our medical people
receive...




1 . She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was
very hot in bed last night.
2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it
disappeared.
4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be
depressed.
5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission..
7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but
forgetful.
8. The patient refused autopsy.
9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with
only 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. Between you and
me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
14. Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might
like to work her up.
15. She is numb from her toes down.
16. While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
17. The skin was moist and dry.
18. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
19. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
20. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid. (what?)
21. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life,
until she got a divorce.
22. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical
therapy.
23. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
24. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
25. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
26. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job
as a stockbroker  instead.
27. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
28. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
29. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should
sit on the abdomen I agree.
30. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
31. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: AirScorp on June 05, 2009, 02:38:51 PM
This one for SoccerMom
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: TheSoccerMom on June 05, 2009, 05:12:23 PM
Awww, looks just like the new jumpers we hire!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"C'mon, get IN the airplane, it's OKAY, really....!"    :P

How're things going with you Nick??  Great, I hope!!

Thanks for the great picture....   :D

 ;D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: mtnman on June 05, 2009, 06:13:13 PM
When I was a child, I read and listened to children's fairy tales,
which I learned always began with the phrase:
       "Once upon a time......".   :)

Now that I am an adult, I read and listen to grown-up fairy tales,
which I have learned always begin with the phrase:
       "When I am elected......".   ::banghead::

 ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: AirScorp on June 05, 2009, 06:26:05 PM
Awww, looks just like the new jumpers we hire!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"C'mon, get IN the airplane, it's OKAY, really....!"    :P

How're things going with you Nick??  Great, I hope!!

Thanks for the great picture....   :D

 ;D

Things are fine, only 65 days to go in the army.. Come august I'll hopefully be lining up some vacation time.

When I was a child, I read and listened to children's fairy tales,
which I learned always began with the phrase:
       "Once upon a time......".   :)

Now that I am an adult, I read and listen to grown-up fairy tales,
which I have learned always begin with the phrase:
       "When I am elected......".   ::banghead::

 ::rofl::


Hmmm, funny timing. Election day here on Sunday..
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Oddball on June 05, 2009, 09:36:10 PM
Just had a spate of local elections down in Englandshire and for the European Parliment.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: TheSoccerMom on June 06, 2009, 07:23:41 PM
Things are fine, only 65 days to go in the army.. Come august I'll hopefully be lining up some vacation time.

GREAT!  Wow, 65 days??  You're almost there!!    ;D     ::drinking::

 ::drinking::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on June 06, 2009, 09:11:32 PM
Good luck Nick.  Just a little over two months to go.  I know you must be suffering from what we used to call "Short Timer Fever".   |:)\

Lemme guess:  You are thinking of those watermelons and how much vodka you can pump into them as a means to celebrate your discharge, aren't you?   ;)  Sounds like good planning to me!  With luck, they'll be in season in Greece around that time.   ::drinking::

RC
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on June 10, 2009, 07:37:56 PM
Take away all the fun why dont you??

(http://i76.photobucket.com/albums/j35/helokat/funnies/4323_1073217306678_1113531662_30159.jpg)


Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on June 12, 2009, 04:22:11 PM
SOCIALISM You have two cows.
You give one to your neighbor.

COMMUNISM You have two cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM You have two cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM You have two cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM You have two cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM You have two cows.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has dropped dead.

ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND VENTURE CAPITALISM You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet is provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.

A FRENCH CORPORATION You have two cows.
You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A CHINESE CORPORATION You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the crap out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on June 12, 2009, 04:23:26 PM
While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennisball, and seeing no one around that it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts.

Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change. A blonde girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts. "What's that?" she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust. "Tennis ball," came the breathless reply. "Oh," said the girl sympathetically, "that must be painful... I had tennis elbow once."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on June 12, 2009, 04:27:48 PM
Skinny Dipping...

An elderly man in Georgia had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back.

It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with
picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees .

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he
hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a
five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond,
he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer,
he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He
made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep
end. One of the 20 women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until
you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come
down here to watch you ladies swim
naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'

....Some old men can still think fast.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on June 12, 2009, 04:34:21 PM
How To Stop A Church Gossip

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed
monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking
her nose into other people's business..
Several members did not approve of her
extra curricular activities , but feared her
Enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she
accused Frank, a new member, of being an
alcoholic after she saw his old pickup
parked in front of the town's
only bar one afternoon. .



She emphatically told Frank
(and several others)
that every one seeing it there
EVERYONE WOULD KNOW WHAT HE WAS DOING !

Frank , a man of few words,
stared at her for a moment and
just turned and walked away.
He didn't explain, defend, or deny.
He said nothing..



Later that evening,
Frank quietly parked his pickup
in front of Mildred's house ...
walked home
.... . .and left it there all night !!!
(You gotta love Frank !)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on June 12, 2009, 04:35:14 PM
A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family - but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand!"
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on June 12, 2009, 04:37:55 PM
A guy goes to the psychiatrist only wearing shorts made of Glad wrap.

The psychiatrist says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Gulfstream Driver on June 12, 2009, 05:59:05 PM
Glad you're back, man. 
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on June 12, 2009, 07:47:07 PM
thx! it's great to be back  ;D  ::cowboy::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: tundra_flier on June 12, 2009, 07:56:45 PM
You Forgot one!

THE RUSSIAN CORPORATION:  You have two cows, you drink a glass of vodka.  You count again and now have 4 cows!  you drink another glass of vodka to celebrate.  Now you have 8 cows!  You drink another glass of vodka and pass out.  The next morning you have 2 cows again and they're moooing far to loudly.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on June 12, 2009, 09:07:23 PM
lol! right!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Ragwing on June 14, 2009, 03:16:01 AM
ODE TO THE TAIL DRAGGER

Tail Dragger I hate your guts
I have the license, ratings and such,
but to make you go straight is driving me nuts.
With hours of teaching and controls in my clutch
It takes a little rudder -- easy, that's too much!

You see, I learned to fly in a tricycle gear
With one up front and two in the rear.
She was sleek and clean and easy to steer
But this miserable thing with tires and struts
Takes a little rudder -- easy, that's too much!

It demands your attention on the takeoff roll,
Or it heads towards the boonies as you pour on the coal
Gotta hang loose, don't over control

This wicked little plane is just too much
With a lot of zigzagging and words obscene
I think I've mastered this slippery machine.
It's not too bad if you have the touch
Just a little rudder -- easy, that's too much!

I relax for a second and from the corner of my eye
I suddenly realize, with a gasp and a cry
That's my own tail that's going by!
You ground looping wreck, I hate your guts
Give a little rudder -- Oh no, THAT'S TOO MUCH!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on June 18, 2009, 08:41:08 PM
i could use this:
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on June 18, 2009, 08:46:34 PM
HOW TO SAVE THE AIRLINES

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.

Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell -- They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?

The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a 'party atmosphere' going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.

Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and 'special services.'

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.

This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.

Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely,
Bill Clinton
__________________
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: mtnman on June 18, 2009, 09:23:43 PM
Rules for male aging:

1) never pass up an opportuity to empty your bladder.
2) never take an erection for granted.
3) never assume it is gas.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on June 20, 2009, 05:32:15 AM
Quote
I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and 'special services.'

Some years back, I worked part time as a DJ at a stripper bar.  My kickback from the girls was normally a mere 10%.  Please keep this in mind when you decide to re-launch Hooters Air!  Hehe.   ::whistle:: ::whistle:: ::whistle:: ::drinking::

RC
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on June 23, 2009, 04:31:54 AM
When Insults Had Class


There was a time when words were used beautifully. These glorious insults are from an era when cleverness with words was
 still valued, before a great portion of the English language was boiled down to four-letter words!


The exchange between Churchill and Lady Astor:
She said, "If you were my husband, I'd give you poison," and he said, "If you were my wife, I'd take it."

Gladstone, a Member of Parliament, to Benjamin Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, sir," said Disraeli, "On whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

"He had delusions of adequacy." -Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." - Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." - Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" - Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know." - Abraham Lincoln

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend . . . if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second . . . if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop

He is a self-made man and worships his creator." -  John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating

"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure." - Jack E. Leonard

"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt." -  Robert Redford

"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge." - Thomas Brackett Reed

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." -  Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts . .. . for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilde
 
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: mtnman on June 23, 2009, 01:15:19 PM
A college professor walks into the lecture hall carrying a large bag.  He takes from the bag, and sets on the counter, a glass beaker, which he fills with scotch.  He then drops a large nightcrawler into the beaker.  The nightcrawler dies instantly.  Looking up at the class the professor asks: "What conclusion can we draw from this experiment?"  ::thinking::
From the back of the room comes a male voice :  "I see if you drink scotch you will never have worms!"   ;D


Same college, the english prfessor makes the statement: "A double negative makes a positive, but a double positive is always positive."
Same student voice in the back of the room responds: "Yeah....Right."   ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Oddball on June 23, 2009, 01:36:02 PM
Beware of any emails warning you not to eat tinned pork due to swine flu ignore it.............................











It's just SPAM.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on June 23, 2009, 02:42:07 PM
I had SPAM burgers for lunch yesterday.   It's a vastly underrated delicacy!   ;D ::drinking::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on June 23, 2009, 05:07:00 PM
Beware of any emails warning you not to eat tinned pork due to swine flu ignore it.............................
It's just SPAM.

There has been a "rasher" of cases recently..
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on June 23, 2009, 10:32:21 PM
When Insults Had Class

Poor ol' Winnie gets blasted multiple times!   >:( >:(
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Oddball on June 24, 2009, 07:04:34 AM
I would nae say blasted my canadian friend more like he had a certain way with words and is much quoted  ;)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Ragwing on June 24, 2009, 01:23:05 PM
Cupid at Law

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.

He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on June 25, 2009, 06:21:39 PM
A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten knob...

We all looked at each other and asked, 'What is a seven-hundred-ten knob?'

She replied, 'You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one.'

She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there.

The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked 'is there a 710 on this car?'

She pointed and said, 'Of course, it's right there.' If you're not sure what a 710 knob is...

...


...


...


...


...


...




(http://i76.photobucket.com/albums/j35/helokat/funnies/710_0.jpg)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Frank N. O. on June 26, 2009, 12:53:31 PM
Hahaha, oh man, great insults! Such class |:)\

Frank
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on June 28, 2009, 04:05:20 AM
The American Medical Association has weighed in on the President’s health care proposals:

The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves..

The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.

Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, 'Oh, Grow up!'

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.

The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the 'end', the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the a-holes in Washington .
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on June 28, 2009, 04:48:15 AM
The most unusual alarm clock I've seen
whoa! sorry about that guys! guess i better check my system at home. it's my roommates computer and the knucklehead doesn't have virus software  ::loony::



[deleted link]
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on June 28, 2009, 05:04:28 AM
The most unusual alarm clock I've seen
http://www.biertijd.com/mediaplayer/?itemid=14456

DO NOT OPEN THE LINK

It locked up my computer and tried to install a virus
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: TheSoccerMom on June 28, 2009, 06:27:20 AM
DO NOT OPEN THE LINK
It locked up my computer and tried to install a virus

 >:(        Listen to the G!!

I already had opened this and I have NO idea what is going on with the computer now, but things are AFU........ 

Though I wish I could get an alarm clock JUST like that one....    ::whistle::

 :(

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on June 28, 2009, 07:14:17 AM
I already had opened this and I have NO idea what is going on with the computer now, but things are AFU........ 

Basically it installed a "system checker" that when you close comes up with a box that says "Confirm you are closing this progam and sending your credit card info"...etc

Use AVG and system restore and it will get rid of it. My system is now OK.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on June 28, 2009, 02:43:15 PM
a thousand apologies, gents!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: BrianGMFS on June 28, 2009, 10:30:09 PM
If you find a link that has an embedded Youtube video, click the video so it pops up the actual video on Youtube. then you can be fairly certain that no nasties will pop up.

I'm guessing it was a transient google ad that tried to upload something. I clicked the link and didn't have any problem.

Brian
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: TheSoccerMom on June 29, 2009, 01:39:05 AM
Thanks for the tip...  it didn't do that weird thing like it did to G-Man, but things just locked up...  over and over. 

It seems to be okay now, so no big deal..  and it also jogged me to download a newer version of AVG, so it was a productive evening after all!    ;D

 8)

 :)

P.S..  I really do wish I could find an alarm clock set-up like that guy has.....  I can sleep through most anything.  I never knew that the train ran right outside our hotel rooms in BAM until the jumpers complained about it waking them up every night...  of course I said, "WHAT train??" and never did live it down....

Not to mention the day a certain helicopter landed near the Minivan and I could have sworn he was in 'Quiet Stealth' mode....  as I snored away in my airplane......   ::loony::

 ::rofl::

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on June 29, 2009, 11:09:26 PM
Yeah, Soccermom sleeps pretty deep. . .

. . . but let this be a warning to all of you guys if you end up working with her: DO NOT WAKE HER UP ! ! ! unless it's a fire!!

I've seen how she gets. It's not pretty!

(hey mom, can I tell them about the sign the jumpers made for you last year in Ely?!?  ;D )
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: TheSoccerMom on June 29, 2009, 11:25:04 PM
HAAAAAA!!!!!!!

Listen to the Coop Master, O gentlemen....  Never awaken the sleeping Mom....  unless it's a FIRE....    ::eek::

And yeah, that sign actually started WAY BACK before the jumpers even caught on....  but, since it fits the fire program SO PERFECTLY, I make sure it is in the a/c every contract start.    :D

It's apparently caught on because of my shy, timid, demure, passive, lilywhite, milquetoast nature....   ::)

Every morning it gets a whirl by the jumpers, to tell me what MOOD to be in for that particular day.  It sure freaked out that helicopter pilot from Minn. who spied it in the middle of the morning briefing in Ely, and thought I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS THERE!!   All the blood drained out of his face...  HAAAAAA!!!!

It's in the Minivan as we speak, awaiting another year of dedicated duty.  Here she is:

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: TheSoccerMom on June 30, 2009, 05:48:01 AM
Uh oh....  it just occurred to me....    ::banghead::

Did you mean the sign they put above the little cargo closet where I always slept on the floor?    ::banghead::

Sheesh, I just can't keep all the bullshit and insults straight...   ::angel::

 :D

 ;D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on June 30, 2009, 06:23:01 AM
Uhhhmmm.....

After seeing the Weird-O-Meter, methinks I'll step extremely lightly around Ms S-Mom once I finally meet her in person!   ::eek::














...Crank up the Enola Gay!?!?!?  Wow!  Yer downright radioactive on some days, aren't ya?   :o
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Oddball on June 30, 2009, 02:53:57 PM
That's the best one of the lot "Crank up the Enola Gay" lol  dig through my old army bumph and see how you rate along the Bikini warning chart S'Mom.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: TheSoccerMom on June 30, 2009, 04:50:48 PM
No, no, guys, I guess you need the rest of the story to keep this in context!   

The "Enola Gay" line came from a crazy Navy helo pilot I knew.  He shared with us one night (while imbibing freely of many alcoholic items), the official "Ten Steps of Drunkenness".     ::whistle::

I still have the Ten Rules written on the same cardboard coaster that he autographed, somewhere at home, and I can't recall them all off the top of my head, but let's just say that I can't write them down here anyway because they're so obscene.    ::whistle::

BUT -- Step #10 was "CRANK UP THE ENOLA GAY, WE'RE GOIN' DOWNTOWN". 

And we laughed so hard that the barmaid just about had to call an ambulance....  and we've been using that line ever since.  Though, when I use it at the Nunnery, the sisters don't seem to get it, for some reason. 

And as for the METER....  well, that has hung in many a hangar, many a jump shack, many a government office, and yes, was even the centerpiece of one of the funniest goddamn FAA checkrides I've ever taken....  and that is just part of the story....

 ::whistle::                         ::whistle::                            ::whistle::                          ::whistle::                     ::whistle::

[Note:  If you don't have a sense of humor, this ain't the line of work you want to be in......]      ::drinking::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: mtnman on June 30, 2009, 05:26:41 PM
For you southern fans, Lewis Grizzard has a version...he claims his was first...

clearly a non-navy version! ;)


Stages of Drunkeness
The Ten Stages of Drunkenss
according to Lewis Grizzard

Witty and charming (part 1)
This is after one or two drinks. The tongue is loosened and can yet remain in step with the brain. In the witty and charming stage one is likely to use foriegn idioms and phrases such as au contraire in place of "No way, Jose" or "Bull -sheyet"

Rich and famous
By the third drink, you begin mentioning that the little 380SL you've had your eye on down at the Mercedes place.

Benevolent
You'll buy her a mercedes, too. It's only money.

Just one more and We'll eat
a stall tactic

To hell with Dinner
Grizzard: Just one more and then we'll eat!

Patriotic
The war stories Begin

Warm up the Enola Gay
"We would have won in 'Nam, but..."

Invisible
So this is what the inside of of ladies room looks like

Witty and charming (part 2)
You know, you don't sweat much for a fat girl.

Bulletproof
Bull-sheyet, gimme them keys, I can drive.

Cryin' about your daddy drunk.
Grizzard:You don't need to be able to make a lot of sense when you reach CAYDD, nor is it necessary to be able to make sound intelligible to other forms of life.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: TheSoccerMom on June 30, 2009, 06:18:12 PM
haa, well, this is the squeaky clean version....  I think maybe three words are the same as the Blue Navy version...    ;)

 ;)

Funny stuff!!   ::bow:: 
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on July 08, 2009, 02:34:51 AM
Wooden Leg Insurance
 
A man and his wife, moved back home to West Virginia , from Ohio . The husband had a wooden leg, and to insure it back in  Ohio cost them $2000
 
When they arrived in West Virginia , they went to an insurance agency to see how much it would cost to insure his wooden leg.
 
The agent looked it up on the computer and said: '$39.'
 
The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in  West Virginia  to insure it because it cost him $2000 in Ohio !
 
The insurance agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, 'Well, here it is on the screen, it says: Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system above it, is $39... You just have to know how to describe it!'

 ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Ragwing on July 08, 2009, 11:48:53 AM
A Hot Day

It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection.

Traffic quickly piled up in all directions, so a woman rushed to help him.

When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, "It's all right honey, I've had a course in first aid."

The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration.

At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said, "When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm already here."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on July 08, 2009, 04:23:20 PM
(http://i268.photobucket.com/albums/jj9/mustpost/zero.jpg)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on July 08, 2009, 10:06:17 PM
Little Tony was 9 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days.   
He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her,
'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?'

She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. 'It's called sexual intercourse, darling.'

Little Tony said, 'Oh, okay,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.   
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,
'Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse.  It's called Bunk Beds.
And Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you.'
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: mtnman on July 14, 2009, 08:51:52 PM
A Powerful Message from Stevie Wonder On Michael Jackson's Death...





.. . . ... . . . . . .. . .. .... .. .. . ... ..
... ... .. ... .... ... ... .... ...... ... ... ... .... ..... .. .
.. . . ... .. . . . ..
... . .... ... .... .... ...
...... .... .... .... ..... ..... ..... .. . . .... ....
. .. .
. . .. . .. . ...
....... ... ... ... .. ... ....... ... .. .... ... ... .... ....
. .. .. .
.. ....
.. . . . . . .. .. ... ..
.. .... .. ... ... ....... ...... .....

Deep stuff, eh?
I nearly cried when he said
". .. . . . .. .. ... .. .. . . .... ...."

 ::whistle:: ::whistle:: ::whistle:: ;)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on July 26, 2009, 08:18:40 PM
OK, I fixed it....  REDNECK STYLE!!!   ::rofl:: ::drinking:: ::silly:: ::knockedout::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on August 02, 2009, 05:56:32 PM
Music


I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on August 02, 2009, 05:58:40 PM
10 Ways to say I love you from around the world.

English
I Love You


Spanish
Te Amo


French
Je T'aime


German
Ich Liebe Dich


Japanese
Ai Shite Imasu


Italian
Ti Amo


Chinese
Wo Ai Ni


Swedish
Jag Alskar Dig


Lithuanian
As Tave Meliu


Alabama, Arkansas, Oklahoma, Texas, Louisiana, South Carolina, Georgia,
Tennessee, Florida, Mississippi , Kentucky, North Carolina, West Virginia
Nice Boobs!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on August 02, 2009, 06:04:44 PM
Please tell your friends, etc. shopping at Home Depot about this scam!

A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Home Depot customers.

This one caught me by surprise.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned

out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex window cleaner, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts.

It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to McDonalds. You agree and they get into the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet!

I had my wallet stolen May 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th & 28th. Also April 2nd & 4th, twice on the 8th, 9th, and three times last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.So tell your friends to be careful.

P.S. Walmart has wallets on sale for 2.99 each~~ I found cheaper

ones for $1.99 at Big Lots and bought them out. Also, you never will get to eat

at McDonalds. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth to Home

Depot.....
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Frank N. O. on August 05, 2009, 11:03:53 AM
Hijnx, hehe good one (and the others were authentic too so it's both a laugh and learning at the same time  8))

I saw some of the redneck fixes in the email, oh man some of them made me shake of fear, like the repaired back-wheel on a car, and here I thought a picture from New Zealand with a Subaru running with 4 space-saver emergency tires were bad.

Frank
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on August 06, 2009, 10:14:14 PM
A Helicopter Pilot Jim and his wife Joan were playing poker with friends - an airplane Pilot Bob and his wife Suzy.
 
As Suzy is dealing the cards, she overshoots a card to Jim, sending the card to the floor. Jim goes under the table to pick up the card and notices that Suzy is wearing a short skirt sans panties. Startled, he hits his head on the way back up.
 
While Jim is in the kitchen getting another cold one, Suzy walks in and asks Jim if he likes what he saw. Jim does a 360 scan then answers Suzy in the affirmative. Suzy smiles and tells him that for $100, he can have all he can handle. She tells him that since he's off on Friday and Bob works until 6pm, to come over Friday around 2pm.
 
Jim shows up at 2pm, hands Suzy the money and off they go. Jim scurries out the door around 5pm just in case Bob comes home early.
 
Bob come home at 6 pm, looks at Suzy and asks "Did Jim drop by the house this afternoon?" Suzy's heart skips a beat but she answers with her best poker face "Yes . . . ."
 
Bob then asks her "Did he happen to give you $100?" Suzy can barely believe what's happening but keeps the poker face on as she says "Yes . . ."
 
Bob then smiles and says "Great! He stopped by the office yesterday and borrowed $100. He said he'd drop it by the house today but, well, you know how those helicopter guys are with money!"
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: vldflight on August 07, 2009, 01:49:20 PM
LMAO.....G-man you should'nt have. ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on August 18, 2009, 03:09:20 AM
A redneck was stopped by a game warden in Central Mississippi recently with two ice chests full of fish. He was leavin ' a cove well-known for its fishing.

The game warden asked the man, ' Do you have a license to catch those fish? '

' Naw, sir ' , replied the redneck. ' I ain't got none of them there licenses. You must understand, these here are my pet fish. '

' Pet fish? '

' Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let ' em swim ' round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these here ice chests and I take ' em home. '

' That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that. '

The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, ' It's the truth Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works. '

' O. K.. ' , said the warden. ' I've got to see this! '

The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.

After several minutes, the warden says, ' Well? '

' Well, what? ' , says the redneck.

The warden says, ' When are you going to call them back? '

' Call who back? '

' The FISH ' , replied the warden!

' What fish? ' , replied the redneck.

Moral of the story: We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some government employees. You can say what you want about the South, but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving north.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on August 18, 2009, 09:21:32 PM
oh crap! loved that one G you da Man!

Bubba walked into a doctor’s office and the receptionist asked him what he had.
Bubba said: ‘Shingles.’
So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse’s aide came out and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, ‘Shingles.’
So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, ‘Shingles.’
So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, ‘Shingles.’
The doctor asked, ‘Where?’
Bubba said, ‘Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload ‘em??’
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on August 18, 2009, 09:32:36 PM
Kind of lengthy but worth it!

Random Thoughts of the Day:

I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can
think about is that I can’t wait for them to finish so that I can tell
my own story that’s not only better, but also more directly involves
me.

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you
realize you're wrong.

I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to
have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and
sticks when they've invented the lighter?

Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're
going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to
be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the
direction from which you came, you have to first do something like
check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to
yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're
crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This
recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never
be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.

Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't
work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically
fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all
know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards
or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.

There is a great need for sarcasm font.

Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and
suddenly realize I had no idea what the fuck was going on when I first
saw it.

I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually
becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting
90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's
laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little
bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the
only one who really, really gets it.

How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than
take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear
your computer history if you die.

The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.

A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the
spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.

Was learning cursive really necessary?

Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".

I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron
test is absolutely petrifying.

My brother's Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads.
Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired
about the name. He explained, "Cuz we beat you, and you hate us."
Classy, bro.

Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all
I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod
and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

I love the sense of camaraderie when a n entire line of cars teams up
to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!


While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and
instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.

MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I
know how to get out of my neighborhood.

Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the
shower first and THEN turn on the water.

Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty,
and you can wear them forever.

I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

Bad decisions make good stories

Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their
profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got
the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if
I do!

Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?

If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would
probably just be completely invisible.

Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go
around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly
nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be
a problem....

You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work
when you've made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything
productive for the rest of the day.

Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't
want to have to restart my collection.

There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are
going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me
if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I
swear I did not make any changes to.

"Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.

I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching
TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge
me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren’t watching
this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the
room. Will we still be friends after this?'

While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for China
and USA. No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly certain that
when Chinese athletes don’t win, they are executed.

I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello?
Damnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and
goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone
and run away?

I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing
anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she
hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light
internet stalking.

I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle,
then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising
speed for pedophiles...

As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers,
but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not
know what time it is.

It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to
answer when they call.

I think that if, years down the road when I’m trying to have a kid, I
find out that I’m sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from
the fact that I was not aware of my condition in college.

Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.

Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car
keys in a pocket, finding their cellphone, and Pinning the Tail on the
Donkey - but I’d bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze
button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time
every time...

My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would
happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?

It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the
link takes me to a video instead of text.

I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they
drive behind obeys the speed limit.

I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or
Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw
they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words,
someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think
about it, and then estimate d that there must be at least four people
eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by
myself. There’s nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard
before dinner.

-- source unknown -- (but pretty sure I wrote it when I wasn't looking)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on August 18, 2009, 09:41:26 PM
Catholic guy goes into the confessional box.
He notices on one side a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap.
On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest Cuban cigars.
Then the priest comes in.
"Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting these days."
The priest replies "Get out. You're on my side."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: AirScorp on August 19, 2009, 01:54:35 AM
I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

I actually heard only a couple of days ago that L.A. actually has this kind of service...
Timing is sometimes freaky :P

I laughed at more than half this whole post! Great share!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on August 21, 2009, 04:49:31 AM
One night, after a helicopter pilot and his wife had retired for the night, the woman
became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual
manner. He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the
small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them
very lightly. Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her
side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side
to a point below her waist. He continued on, gently feeling her hips,
first one side and then the other. His hand ran further down the
outside of her thighs. His gentle probing then started up the inside
of her left thigh, stopped and the returned to do the same to her
right thigh. By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she
squirmed a little to better position herself. The man stopped
abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.

"Why are you stopping darling?" she whispered.

He whispered back, " I found the remote!"
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on August 21, 2009, 05:02:08 AM
WOMAN'S POEM

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
This man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

MAN'S POEM
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs
who owns a liquor store and a golf course. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on August 21, 2009, 05:15:54 AM
A tough old cowboy once counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning. The grandson did this religiously and lived to the age of 110. He left behind 4 children, 20 grandchildren, 30 great-grandchildren, 10 great-great-grandchildren, and a fifty-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on August 21, 2009, 05:20:21 AM
stress relief

http://www.counterfeitmini.com/main.swf
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on August 21, 2009, 05:27:28 AM
k i'm on a joke overload tonight but who cares?
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on August 23, 2009, 11:15:40 PM
Sometimes English can be so complex to understand. Read the paragraph below....and try to understand the meaning.
 
Two individuals proceeded towards the apex of a natural geologic protuberance, the purpose of their expedition being the procurement of a sample of fluid hydride of oxygen in a large vessel, the exact size of which was unspecified. One member of the team precipitously descended, sustaining severe damage to the upper cranial portion of his anatomical structure; Subsequently the second member of the team performed a self-rotational translation oriented in the same direction taken by the first team member.

 
Scroll down to understand in simple English what does this translate to...









Jack and Jill went up the hill
to fetch a pail of water
Jack fell down and broke his crown
and Jill came tumbling after!!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on August 23, 2009, 11:17:39 PM


Wonderful English from Around the World

In a Bangkok temple:

IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.
 



Cocktail lounge , Norway :
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

Doctors office, Rome :

SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Dry cleaners, Bangkok :

DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS

In a Nairobi restaurant:

CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

On the main road to Mombassa, leaving Nairobi :

TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

On a poster at Kencom:

ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP.

In a City restaurant:

OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

In a cemetery:

PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES .

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:

GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:

OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

In a Tokyo bar:

SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

Hotel , Yugoslavia :

THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

Hotel , Japan :

YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:

YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.

A sign posted in Germany 's Black Forest :

IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Hotel, Zurich :

BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THEOPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand :

WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen :

WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

A laundry in Rome :

LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on August 23, 2009, 11:21:35 PM
Thoughts from Man's heart

Thought 1

When we are born, our mothers get the compliments and the flowers.
When we are married, our brides get the presents and the publicity.

 

When we die, our widows get the life insurance.
What do women want to be liberated from?


Thought 2

The average man's life consists of:
Twenty years of having his mother ask him where he is going,
 

 Forty years of having his wife ask the same question;
 and at the end, the mourners wondering too where he is going.


Thought 3

Everyone in the wedding ceremony was watching the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle to give away to the groom.
 They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand..
 Everyone in the room was wondering what was given to the father by the bride.

The father could feel the suspense in the air and all eyes were on him to divulge the secret and say something. So he announced :
'Ladies and Gentlemen.  Today is the luckiest day of my life ...'   Then he raised his hands with what his daughter gave him and continued, 
 
'My daughter finally,  finally returned my Credit Card to me.'

The whole audience including the priest started laughing . . . . . 
 

But not the poor Groom ! ! !


And  now  the  Best  one. . . . .


Thought 4

A Man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind,  'If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you.'

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him.

The man was astonished. 

He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted,  'Stop !  Stand still !  If you take one more step a car will run over you, and you will die.'

The man did as he was instructed,  just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.  The man asked. 'Who are you?'

'I am your guardian angel,' the voice answered.

'Oh, yeah?'  the man said  'And where on earth were you when I got married??
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: cotejy on August 24, 2009, 02:46:30 PM
Quote
Wonderful English from Around the World

I see a lot of those in French. Everything sold here must have instructions in both French an English (except for computer software). Most companies would simply use an automatic translator and don't have it verified. So I always end up reading the instruction in English. Last one I saw was on my tent bag. The English reads: "do not drop poles". The French version would litteraly mean: "carefully drop Polish".
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on August 25, 2009, 05:07:46 PM
    Praying
     for Leroy



"Anyone with needs to be prayed over, come
     forward, to the front at the altar," the Preacher says.

Leroy gets
      in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: "Leroy, what do you
     want me to pray about for you."

Leroy replies: "Preacher, I need
      you to pray for my hearing." The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear,
      and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays
     and prays, he prays a blue streak for Leroy.

After a few minutes,
      the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks,"Leroy, how is your
     hearing now?"

Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it ain't til
     next Wednesday!"
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on August 26, 2009, 06:15:57 PM
We all know that Uday & Qusay, Sadams sons are long dead. It seems a lot of the lesser-known family members are coming to the attention of American authorities.

Among the brothers:

Sooflay ............the restauranteur
Guday...............the half-Australian brother
Huray...............the sports fanatic
Sashay..............the gay brother
Kuntay & Kintay.....the twins from the African mother
Sayhay............the baseball player
Ojay..............the stalker/murderer
Gulay.............the singer/entertainer
Ebay..............the internet czar
Biliray.............the country music star
Ecksray...........the radiologist
Puray..............the blender factory owner
Regay.............the half-Jamaican brother
Tupay.............the one with bad hair

Among the sisters:

Pusay...............the loose 22 yr old
Lattay..............the coffee shop owner
Bufay...............the 300 pound sister
Sapheway.........the grocery store owner
Ollay.................the half-mexican sister
Gudlay..............the prostitute


Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on August 28, 2009, 12:39:36 AM
Quote
Wonderful English from Around the World

I see a lot of those in French. Everything sold here must have instructions in both French an English (except for computer software). Most companies would simply use an automatic translator and don't have it verified. So I always end up reading the instruction in English. Last one I saw was on my tent bag. The English reads: "do not drop poles". The French version would litteraly mean: "carefully drop Polish".

Are you a fellow Canucker as well? If so where bouts do you hail from?
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: cotejy on August 28, 2009, 09:01:55 PM
Quote
Wonderful English from Around the World

I see a lot of those in French. Everything sold here must have instructions in both French an English (except for computer software). Most companies would simply use an automatic translator and don't have it verified. So I always end up reading the instruction in English. Last one I saw was on my tent bag. The English reads: "do not drop poles". The French version would litteraly mean: "carefully drop Polish".

Are you a fellow Canucker as well? If so where bouts do you hail from?

Canucker? Is this how Canadians are called? If so, I'm a Canucker Frog! St-Hippolyte, QC (Laurentian region). You? where you from?
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on August 28, 2009, 09:15:15 PM
Quote
Wonderful English from Around the World

I see a lot of those in French. Everything sold here must have instructions in both French an English (except for computer software). Most companies would simply use an automatic translator and don't have it verified. So I always end up reading the instruction in English. Last one I saw was on my tent bag. The English reads: "do not drop poles". The French version would litteraly mean: "carefully drop Polish".

Are you a fellow Canucker as well? If so where bouts do you hail from?

Canucker? Is this how Canadians are called? If so, I'm a Canucker Frog! St-Hippolyte, QC (Laurentian region). You? where you from?

I hail from Southwestern Ontario. Sarnia. It's a border town with the U.S. I was close to QC last week when I went on Vacation to Ottawa to see the national Aviation Museum and War Museum. All the one-way streets in the city we somehow wound up in Quebec. Your english seems really good. I'm afraid I can only mumble a few French sentences.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on August 29, 2009, 06:19:31 PM
Quote
Wonderful English from Around the World

I see a lot of those in French. Everything sold here must have instructions in both French an English (except for computer software). Most companies would simply use an automatic translator and don't have it verified. So I always end up reading the instruction in English. Last one I saw was on my tent bag. The English reads: "do not drop poles". The French version would litteraly mean: "carefully drop Polish".

Hmmmmm... When I was in Montreal last winter, the only signs I saw in English were the traffic signs along the freeway.  I know Canada is officially bi-lingual but you sure could have fooled me!   ::thinking::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: cotejy on August 31, 2009, 12:27:10 PM
Quote
Wonderful English from Around the World

I see a lot of those in French. Everything sold here must have instructions in both French an English (except for computer software). Most companies would simply use an automatic translator and don't have it verified. So I always end up reading the instruction in English. Last one I saw was on my tent bag. The English reads: "do not drop poles". The French version would litteraly mean: "carefully drop Polish".

Hmmmmm... When I was in Montreal last winter, the only signs I saw in English were the traffic signs along the freeway.  I know Canada is officially bi-lingual but you sure could have fooled me!   ::thinking::

Canada might be an officially a bilingual country but in fact, provinces are unilingual (8 unilingual English, 1 unilingual French (Québec) and only 1 bilingual (new-bruswick)). The bilingual thing is at the federal level. There are French, English and bilinguals in all provinces but the most canadians are unilingual. So you end up with federal politicians speaking 2 languages in a country where most are speaking only one.

I know we are off topic so...:
Did you hear about the French tanks?
It has 7 gears. 6 go in reverse, and one goes foreward incase the enemy attacks from behind.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: mtnman on August 31, 2009, 02:01:51 PM
"Tanks", I needed that!

 ::banghead::   ::loony::

(the pun is the worst form of humor in the entire world.....except when you think of it first! ::whistle::)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on September 01, 2009, 10:39:16 PM
Quote
Wonderful English from Around the World

I see a lot of those in French. Everything sold here must have instructions in both French an English (except for computer software). Most companies would simply use an automatic translator and don't have it verified. So I always end up reading the instruction in English. Last one I saw was on my tent bag. The English reads: "do not drop poles". The French version would litteraly mean: "carefully drop Polish".

Hmmmmm... When I was in Montreal last winter, the only signs I saw in English were the traffic signs along the freeway.  I know Canada is officially bi-lingual but you sure could have fooled me!   ::thinking::

Canada might be an officially a bilingual country but in fact, provinces are unilingual (8 unilingual English, 1 unilingual French (Québec) and only 1 bilingual (new-bruswick)). The bilingual thing is at the federal level. There are French, English and bilinguals in all provinces but the most canadians are unilingual. So you end up with federal politicians speaking 2 languages in a country where most are speaking only one.



I can Parlez-vous a little francais. For example:

 Je ne parle pas le français =  I do not speak french
 Parlez-vous français?  =  do you speak french
Votre dix-huit fille encore inscrit? =  Is your daughter 18 yet?
Sont vos seins filles réel? =  are your daughters breasts real?

And so fourth.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: cotejy on September 02, 2009, 12:46:43 PM
Quote
Je ne parle pas le français =  I do not speak french
Parlez-vous français?  =  do you speak french
Votre dix-huit fille encore inscrit? =  Is your daughter 18 yet?
Sont vos seins filles réel? =  are your daughters breasts real?

The first 2 are perfect but the last 2 need some corrections. As those are so important to survive, I prefer you got them straight.

Is your daughter 18 yet ===  Est-ce que votre fille a 18 ans?
Are your daughters breast real === Est-ce que les seins de votre fille sont réels?

If you feel lucky, you can simply use : "chez toi ou chez moi?" ==== your place or mine?
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: madpilot44 on September 02, 2009, 03:18:40 PM
while we're in foreign languages, I'll say I've always believed you only need 4 phrases in any language to survive, I will willingly share my knowledge of these phrases in Spanish:

where is the bathroom: donde esta el baño
can I get a beer please?: me puede dar una cerveza por favor?
I need some food: necesito algo de comer.
where are all the pretty ladies?: donde estan todas las mujeres bonitas?

if you ever need more than these phrases, you should find some local who can help, as you are probably in quite some trouble.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: cotejy on September 02, 2009, 09:27:08 PM
If you have a few minutes for funny airplane stuff readings, I suggest:

http://www.happylanding.com/articles/15%20idiots%20guide%20to%20flying.htm (http://www.happylanding.com/articles/15%20idiots%20guide%20to%20flying.htm)


Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on September 03, 2009, 03:47:53 AM
while we're in foreign languages, I'll say I've always believed you only need 4 phrases in any language to survive, I will willingly share my knowledge of these phrases in Spanish:

where is the bathroom: donde esta el baño
can I get a beer please?: me puede dar una cerveza por favor?
I need some food: necesito algo de comer.
where are all the pretty ladies?: donde estan todas las mujeres bonitas?

if you ever need more than these phrases, you should find some local who can help, as you are probably in quite some trouble.

I only speak two languages... English and Bad English!!!   >:D ::drinking::


(Note:  Trucker trash CB talk is a dialect of Bad English)   ::whistle::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on September 16, 2009, 02:00:55 AM
WAL MART INTERVIEW


Jennifer, a manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes she found four people who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, Jennifer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'

The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's no warning.

'That's very good!' replied Jennifer. 'And, now you sir?', she asked the second man.

'Hmmm...let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'

'Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliche for speed.' She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.

'Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'.

Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man. 'It 's hard to beat the speed of light,' she said.

Turning to BUBBA, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question.

Old Bubba replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.'

'WHAT!?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response.

'Oh sure', said BUBBA. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already crapped my pants..'

BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on September 20, 2009, 02:09:39 PM
couple of these may be repeats, but it's a copy and paste job......

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.


I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing a gale, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'

And that's how the fight started ...

_______________________________________________________________________

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's how the fight started ...

_______________________________________________________________________


After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten Disability, too'

And that's how the fight started ...

_______________________________________________________________________


I rear-ended a car this morning.

So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and Little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it ... He was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And that's how the fight started ...

_______________________________________________________________________


I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. 'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'

He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

'Nah,' I said, 'she can order for herself.'

And that's how the fight started ...

_______________________________________________________________________


My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'she's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And that's how the fight started .....

_______________________________________________________________________


A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's darn near perfect.'

And that's how the fight started ........
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on September 20, 2009, 02:12:25 PM
Little Johnny

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me
Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Johnny, a bright Navajo Indian boy, who had his hand up: "Patrick
Henry, 1775," he said.

"Very good! Who said, "Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the
Earth?'"

Again, no response except from Little Johnny. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Little Johnny knows more about history than you
do."

She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Indians."

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Little Johnny put his hand up. "General Custer, 1862.."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glared around and asked, "All right!!! Now who said that!?"

Again, Little Johnny said, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Little Johnny jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, "You little @$#!. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."

Little Johnny frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying
against him, 2004."

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh @$#!, we're screwed!"

Little Johnny said quietly, "The American people, November 4, 2008"
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: vldflight on September 20, 2009, 11:40:29 PM
LMAO and amen to that last one!!!!!!!!!!!! ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on September 23, 2009, 11:23:58 PM
reminds me of Chuck . . .     ;D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: 4X-NTY on September 24, 2009, 11:15:21 PM
I once did it to my math teacher,she said "finally someone does that!"
scary part is,I know how to solve it...
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Jean Loup on September 26, 2009, 01:43:06 PM
reminds me of Chuck . . .     ;D
  ::thinking:: Well, that question is badly propoosed! The answer "here it is" is absolutly RIGHT!  ::sulk:: That ignoramus  ::unbelieveable:: teacher should have writed: CALCULATE "X" & not FIND "X"...  ::banghead::

 ::cowboy::  ::wave::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Firegirl on September 30, 2009, 09:37:14 PM


How I learned to mind my own business :


I was walking past the mental hospital the other day,
And all the patients were shouting, '13....13....13.'

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a
Little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see
What was going on.....

Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick!

Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'...
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on October 03, 2009, 04:19:19 PM
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.

Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.'

So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!'

The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'

The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million bucks would buy?'

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

The boy replied, 'Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars .

But 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a homo
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Ragwing on October 11, 2009, 01:22:10 PM
GI Insurance

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.

Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said, "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000."

"Now," he concluded, "which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Ragwing on October 11, 2009, 01:45:17 PM
This is a story by David McClure from the Dallas News Community Opinion page.

$5.37. That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bueno said to me. I
dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that
used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I
started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid with
the Emo hairdo said the harshest thing anyone has ever said to me. He said,
"It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."

I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change
hitting the counter in front of me. "Only $4.68" he said cheerfully. I stood
there stupefied. I am 48, not even 50 yet a mere child! Senior citizen?

I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with
Emo. Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil. Old? Me?

I'll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode
to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile.

Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of
me, like I could be that easily distracted! What am I now? A toddler?

"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?" I stared with utter
disdain at the keys. I began to rationalize in my mind. "Leaving keys behind
hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to anyone!"

I turned and headed back to the truck. I slipped the key into the ignition,
but it wouldn't turn. What now? I checked my keys and tried another. Still
nothing. That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rear view
mirror. I had no purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.

Then, a few other objects came into focus. The car seat in the back seat.
Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard. A partially eaten doughnut
on the dashboard.

Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.
Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be
leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. That is when I felt it, deep in
the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned, and I
reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found.

I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the
restaurant one final time. There Emo stood, draped in youth and black nail
polish. All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?" All I could
say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here?" At this point I was ready
to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, and then go straight home
and apply for Social Security benefits.

Emo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad
came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a
drink and a bag. His mother explained, "I think you left this in my truck by
mistake." I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly
apologized.

She offered these kind words: "It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this
all the time."

All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40. Yes, I was
racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius. And no, I told the officer, I'm not
too old to be driving this fast.

As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall. I
handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly sat in
my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blanky.

The good news was I had successfully found my way home.*
 ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Ragwing on October 24, 2009, 03:25:00 PM
(http://www.offthemarkcartoons.com/cartoons/2006-07-07.gif)  (http://www.offthemarkcartoons.com/cartoons/2005-09-01.gif)

(http://www.offthemarkcartoons.com/cartoons/2001-07-06.gif)  (http://www.offthemarkcartoons.com/cartoons/1996-03-19.gif)

(http://www.offthemarkcartoons.com/cartoons/1993-10-01.gif) 

And some adult humor
(http://www.offthemarkcartoons.com/cartoons/1999-02-12.gif)  (http://www.offthemarkcartoons.com/cartoons/1997-11-04.gif)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on October 24, 2009, 11:49:54 PM
Those are great!

We are actually in contact with Mark Parisi, he's a very nice guy. AND he likes Chicken Wings!

I LOVE the "Flight Simulator" joke!  ::rofl::
It's one of those where I am kicking myself for not thinking of it first......
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Ragwing on October 29, 2009, 11:21:46 AM
Computer Novices

Computer novices may feel like they're alone these days, but the following call to IBM's help center show there are plenty of people out there who still are inching onto the information superhighway.

After a caller gave a technician her PC's serial number, he scanned a database of registered users and responded, "I see you have an Aptiva" desktop unit.

Before he could say another word, the caller shrieked and said she'd be right back. When the customer returned, the technician asked if she was all right. The caller responded: "Had I realized you could see me, I never would have telephoned in my bathrobe."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Ragwing on November 01, 2009, 03:18:27 AM
Buying Fabric
Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked,
"I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"

"Only one kiss per yard, " replied the smirking male clerk.

"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face,
the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly.

The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her.
"Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.
-----------------------------------------------------
Italian Food
The customer in the Italian restaurant was so pleased that he asked to speak to the chef.
The owner proudly led him into the kitchen and introduced him to the chef.

"Your veal parmigiana was superb," the customer said.
"I just spent a month in Italy, and yours is better than any I ever had over there."

"Naturally," the chef said. "Over there, they use domestic cheese. Ours is imported."
------------------------------------------------------------
Weight Loss
My friend and I joined a weight-loss organization.
At one meeting the instructor held up an apple and a candy bar.

"What are the attributes of this apple," she asked, "and how do they relate to our diet?"

"Low in calories" and "lots of fiber," were among the answers.

She then detailed what was wrong with eating candy, and concluded,
"Apples are not only more healthful but also less expensive.
Do you know I paid fifty-five cents for this candy bar?"
We stared as she held aloft the forbidden treat.

From in back of the room a small voice spoke up.
"I'll give you seventy-five cents for it."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: TheSoccerMom on November 02, 2009, 03:43:39 AM
I never knew they had to train, too........    ::whistle::

 ::whistle::

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Oddball on November 02, 2009, 08:22:42 PM
SMART  KID
 

A young jackaroo from outback Queensland goes off to university, but
halfway through the semester he foolishly has squandered all of his money.


He calls home. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe what modern education is
developing. They actually have a program here in Brisbane that will teach
our dog Ol' Blue how to talk."


"That's amazing!" his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"


"Just send him down here with $2,000," the young jackaroo says, "I'll get
him in the course."


So his father sends the dog $2,000.


About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy
calls home. "So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?" his father wants to know.


"Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm. But you just won't believe this.
They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to teach the
animals how to read."


"Read?!" exclaims his father. "No kidding! How do we get Ol' Blue in that
program?"


"Just send $4,500. I'll get him in the class."


The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the
year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read. So he
shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is
all excited.


"Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read
something!"


"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before
we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the
recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal. Then he suddenly turned to me
and asked, 'So,is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead
barmaid at the pub?'"


The father groans and whispers, "I hope you shot that b*st*rd before he
talks to your Mother!"


"I sure did, Dad!"


"That's my boy!"
No need to tell you the kid went on to be a successful lawyer
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on November 06, 2009, 04:37:08 AM
A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.

After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, “Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?”

The rabbi responded, “Yes, that is still one of our laws.”

The priest then asked, “Have you ever eaten pork?”

To which the rabbi replied, “Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.”

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, “Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?”

The priest replied, “Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.”

The rabbi then asked him, “Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?”

The priest replied, “Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my Faith.”

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five Minutes.




Finally, the rabbi said, “Beats the crap out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?”
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on November 06, 2009, 04:40:23 AM
nice!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on November 06, 2009, 04:40:56 AM
rock on!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Ragwing on November 16, 2009, 04:10:40 AM
Genealogy

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?"
The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so all mankind was made."

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.
The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"

The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Ragwing on November 29, 2009, 04:41:47 PM
Oops...

Finishing up our work at a trade show in San Diego, my co- worker Maureen and I decided to go sightseeing across the border in Tijuana, Mexico. While there, we went shopping and bought a few pieces of clay kitchenware.

As we crossed back into the United States, a customs official asked if we had anything of value to report.

"Not really," Maureen replied, digging in her bag for the bean crock she had purchased.
Everyone around us froze as she continued, "I only bought a little pot."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Ragwing on December 03, 2009, 05:57:29 AM
Oddball 007,
This should be just up your alley!!!
Your mission is to protect the atomic briefcase from all enemies, domestic and fowl.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jEjUAnPc2VA&feature=player_embedded (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jEjUAnPc2VA&feature=player_embedded)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Oddball on December 03, 2009, 08:47:58 AM
i have to admit I always wondered what that monument was for now I know..................its  a secret missile silo  :) :) :) :) :) :) >:D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on December 06, 2009, 07:01:38 AM
BAD TIGER

What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards.


Tiger Woods wasn't seriously injured in the crash, but he's still below par.


What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2.30 in the morning? They went clubbing


Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn't decide between a wood and an iron.


Apparently the police asked Tiger's wife how many times she hit him. She said "I don't know exactly but put me down for a 5."


It was just reported that Phil Mickelson contacted Tiger's wife to pick up some tips on how to beat Tiger.


Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole in one.


Tiger Woods has been dropped by Gillette after admitting that his crash was the closest shave he had ever had.


A movie is being developed base on events, titled "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Hydrant".


EA Sports are releasing new Playstation game... "Tiger Woods 2010, Grand Theft Auto"


What does Tiger Woods have in common with baby seals? They both get clubbed by Norwegians.


After a wayward drive, Tiger Woods found water before nestling behind a tree.

 
Apparently, the only person who can beat Tiger Woods with a golf club is his wife.


Perhaps Tiger should be using a driver?

 ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: 4X-NTY on December 15, 2009, 01:20:59 PM
My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those
big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trayzy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said,
"In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one."

To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a
beat,


"Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank
you.
Tray - up, Bitch...."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Ragwing on December 18, 2009, 03:33:10 PM
Mistletoe At The Airport

It was slightly before Christmas. The trip went reasonably well, and he was ready to go back. The airport on the other end had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols.

Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, he was not in a particularly good mood.

As he approached the counter to check his luggage he saw hanging mistletoe.
Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and pointier parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way.

With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, he said to the attendant,

"Even if I were not married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe."

"Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is."

(pause)

"Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale, which is the place you'd have to step forward for a kiss."

"That's not why it's there."

(pause)

"Ok, I give up. Why is it there?"

"It's there so you can kiss your luggage goodbye."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: mtnman on December 18, 2009, 09:00:08 PM
Our local county courthouse had to cancel this years live nativity scene...they coudn't come up with either a virgin or three wise men....
they did however have plenty of asses for the stable.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Ragwing on January 03, 2010, 06:16:32 AM
Water Pistols

When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink.

I was not so pleased. I turned to mom and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?"

Mom smiled and then replied, "OH YES! I do remember."
-------------------

Twas the Internet Night Before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the Net,
There were hacker's a surfing. Nerds? Yeah, you bet.
The e-mails were stacked by the inbox with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.

The newbies were nestled all snug by their screens,
While visions of Java danced in their dreams.
My wife on the sofa and me with a snack,
We just settled down at my rig (it's a Mac).

When out in the Web there arose such a clatter,
I jumped to the site to see what was the matter.
To a new page my Mac flew like a flash,
Then made a slight gurgle. It started to crash!!

I gasped at the thought and started to grouse,
Then turned my head sideways and clicked on my mouse.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
My Mac jumped to a page that wasn't quite clear.

When the image resolved, so bright and so quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick!
More rapid than mainframes, more graphics they came,
Then Nick glanced toward my screen, my Mac called them by name;

"Now Compaq! Now Acer!", my speaker did reel;
"On Apple! On Gateway!" Santa started to squeal!
"Jump onto the circuits! And into the chip!
Now speed it up! Speed it up! Make this thing hip!"

The screen gave a flicker, he was into my "Ram",
Then into my room rose a full hologram!
He was dressed in all red, from his head to his shoes,
Which were black (the white socks he really should lose).

He pulled out some discs he had stored in his backpack.
Santa looked like a dude who was rarin' to hack!
His eyes, how they twinkled! His glasses, how techno!
This ain't the same Santa that I used to know!

With a wink of his eye and a nod of his head,
Santa soon let me know I had nothing to dread.
He spoke not a word, gave my Mac a quick poke,
And accessed my C drive with only a stroke.

He defragged my hard drive, and added a "Dimm",
Then threw in some cool games, just on a whim!
He worked without noise, his fingers they flew!
He distorted some pictures with Kai's Power Goo!

He updated Office, Excel and Quicken,
Then added a screensaver with a red clucking chicken!
My eyes widened a bit, my mouth stood agape,
As he added the latest version of Netscape.

The drive gave a whirl, as if it were pleased,
St. Nick coyly smiled, the computer appeased.
Then placing his finger on the bridge of his nose,
Santa turned into nothing but ones and zeros!

He flew back into my screen and through my uplink,
Back into the net with barely a blink.
But I heard his sweet voice as he flew from my sight,
"Happy surfing to all, and to all a good byte!"
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on January 04, 2010, 07:59:20 PM
no explanation needed....
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on January 12, 2010, 08:35:59 PM
Man, I'm glad I saw Eh-frica before that happaned!   ;D

RC
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Jean Loup on January 13, 2010, 08:07:51 PM
rock on!
(http://www.chickenwingscomics.com/forum/index.php?action=dlattach;topic=20.0;attach=3349;image)
I found a green carterpillar (very itchy carterpillar!) and released it in my garden. Later, it became this beauty and visted me all day...I am not trying to cacht it; my hand is for size comparison only! Flight is freedom...
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on January 14, 2010, 09:13:54 AM
Last Sex



Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live.

Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.

About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, 'Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live.
Could we please do it one more time?'

Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes  that he now has only 8 hours left.

He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, 'Honey, please... Just one more time before I die.'

She says, 'Of course, dear,' and they make love for the third time.
After this session, the wife rolls over and falls to sleep.

Morris, however, worried about his impending demise, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours.

He taps his wife, and says, 'Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could....'

At this point the wife sits up and says, 'Listen Morris, I have to get up in the morning... You don't.
Title: The honeymoon is over for Sully!
Post by: Mike on January 29, 2010, 02:25:14 AM
The Chicken Wings perspective:  ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Firegirl on February 01, 2010, 05:01:11 AM
   A Virginia State trooper pulled a car over on I-64 about 2 miles east of  the Virginia / West Virginia State line. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Beckley , WV to do a show at the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.
 
  The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a  ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him. While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunken good old boy from West Virginia got out, watched the performance briefly, then went over to the patrol car,  opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car and opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.
 
  The drunk replied, 'You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that test.'
Title: The Woman Marine Fighter Pilot
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on February 02, 2010, 08:28:06 PM
The Woman Marine Fighter Pilot

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:  Get their parents to
 tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.  The next day, the kids
 came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.
 
 There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved.
 But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.
 
 "Janie, do you have a story to share?' ''Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story
 about my Mommy.  She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got
 hit.  She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask
 of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
 
 She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then
 her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. 
 
 She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed
 four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last
 Iraqi with her bare hands.
 
 ''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher.  'What did your Daddy tell you
 was the moral to this horrible story?
 
 "Stay away from Mommy when she's been drinking."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: gibbo_335 on February 02, 2010, 09:21:09 PM
 ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: R/C  ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl::
 ::bow::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on February 05, 2010, 08:41:58 PM
Why are wedding dresses white?


Son asked his mother the following question:

"Mom, why are wedding dresses white?" The mother looks at her son and
replies,

"Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure."

The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.

"Dad why are wedding dresses white?"

The father looks at his son in surprise and says,


"Son, all household appliances come in white."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Oddball on February 05, 2010, 10:55:35 PM
And then the fight started...............again,

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place expensive... So, I took her to a petrol station.
 And then the fight started...

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds....'
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started....

My wife sat down on the seat next to me as I was flipping channels.. She asked,
'What's on TV?'
 I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...



Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Oddball on February 06, 2010, 01:10:54 PM
The Laws of Life:
Gumperson's Law:
The probability of anything happening is in inverse ratio to it's desirability.
Mohr's Law of restrained involvement:
Don't get any on you.
Firestone's Law of forecasting:
Chicken Little only has to be right once.
Sander's Rumination:
Life is a game, the object of which is to discover the object of the game.
Chesterton's observation:
I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
Grierson's Law of minimal self-delusion:
Every man nourishes within himself a secret plan for getting rich, that will not work.
Radar's Fundamental Truth:
The grass is brown on both sides of the fence.
O's Law:
No matter what stage of completion one reaches in a project, the cost of the remainder of the project remains the same.
Captain Risser's Law:
If it's in stock, we have it!
Nowlun's Truism:
An "acceptable level of employment" means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable, still has a job.
The Law of Xerox:
Anything important loses it's value soon after being copied.
The Golden Rule:
Whoever has the gold makes the rules.
The first Law of Management:
Kickbacks must always exceed bribes.
Jiminez' Maxim:
If they give you ruled paper, write the other way.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: gibbo_335 on February 27, 2010, 08:53:24 AM
SCHOOL -- then vs. now

Scenario :
Jack goes rabbit shooting before school,
pulls into school parking lot with rifle in gun rack.

Then - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's rifle,  goes to his car and gets his rifle & chats with Jack about guns.

Now - School goes into lock down, Team America  ;) called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his ute or gun again.. Counsellors called in for traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario:
Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.

Then - Crowd gathers. Mark wins.  Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.

Now - Police called, arrests Johnny and Mark.   Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it. Both children go to anger management programs for 3 months.
         School board hold meeting to impliment bullying prevention programs
 
Scenario:
Robbie won't be still in class, disrupts other students.

Then - Robbie sent to office and given 6 of the best by the Principal.  Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

Now - Robbie given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. Robbie's parents get fortnightly disability payments and School gets extra funding from state because Robbie has a disability.

 Scenario :
Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

Then - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

Now - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison.
         
Scenario :
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.

Then - Mark gets glass of water from Principal to take aspirin with.

Now - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons. 

Scenario :
Pedro fails high school English.

Then - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college.

Now - Pedro's cause is taken up by state.  Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist.   
         AFRE files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum.       
         Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English. 

Scenario :
Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a bullant nest.

Then - Ants die.

Now - Team America  ;) , Federal Police & Anti-terrorism Squad called.    Johnny charged with  domestic terrorism, Feds investigate parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated. 
Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario :
Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Miss Mooney.  Mary hugs him to comfort him.

Then - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing..

Now - Miss Mooney is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in Prison.  Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.
 ::loony:: ::loony:: ::loony:: ::loony:: ::loony:: ::loony:: ::loony:: ::loony:: ::loony:: ::loony:: ::loony:: ::loony::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Oddball on February 27, 2010, 12:45:37 PM
Scenario:
Robbie won't be still in class, disrupts other students.

Then - Robbie sent to office and given 6 of the best by the Principal.  Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

Now - Robbie given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. Robbie's parents get fortnightly disability payments and School gets extra funding from state because Robbie has a disability.
 
You forgot to put in Robbie becomes a pilot   ::whistle:: ::whistle::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: TheSoccerMom on February 28, 2010, 03:05:42 AM
...... Team America  ;) called....   

DAMN STRAIGHT Gibby!!!!!!!!

 ::rambo::

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: gibbo_335 on February 28, 2010, 05:57:28 AM
 ::whistle:: Mom I did change it a little to suit the forum  |:)\ |:)\ |:)\ ;D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Firegirl on March 12, 2010, 11:56:51 PM

> A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.

> 'Human beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says.

> A little girl raises her hand. 'I  had a kitty-cat who stuttered.'

> The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

> 'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running
> start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'

> 'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.

> 'It sure was,' said the little  girl. 'My kitty raised her back, went Sssss, Sssss,  Sssss' and before
> she could say 'S h i t,' the Rottweiler ate her!

> The teacher had to leave the room.
 
 ::rofl:: ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Jean Loup on April 01, 2010, 03:31:16 PM
ANN's Daily Aero-Term (04.01.10) (http://www.aero-news.net/index.cfm?ContentBlockID=000c971b-2180-476f-9d0a-c0879dd55eb2&)

Pilot |:)\

A TeleVison program that is produced as a "proof of concept" for potential series ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: TheSoccerMom on April 10, 2010, 08:54:56 PM
Aviation & Airplane put to Good Use:



Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on April 20, 2010, 10:11:23 PM
During a company's recent password audit, it was found that a blonde employee was using the following password:

"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"

When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: gibbo_335 on April 22, 2010, 06:34:27 AM
 Hey i just posted that on FB  ::silly::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on April 22, 2010, 06:38:04 AM
Hey i just posted that on FB  ::silly::

I saw that.  I emailed it to just about all my friends that don't routinely frequent CW.   |:)\

RC
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: cotejy on April 26, 2010, 08:17:45 PM
Geek joke to start the week:

(http://i.imgur.com/ztS7Y.jpg)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on April 26, 2010, 08:52:05 PM
Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter, the PRINCESS.

But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.

No matter what;

metal,

wood,

stone,

anything she touched would melt. Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.. The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?

He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king,

"If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured."

The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.

The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth.

THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.

The first brought a sword of the finest steel.

But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly.

The second prince brought diamonds. He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted. He too was sent away disappointed.

The third prince approached. He told the princess, "Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there." The princess did as she was told, though she turned red.

She felt something hard.. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!!

The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.

And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.

Question: What was in the prince's pants?
(Scroll down for the answer)










M&M's of course.
(http://webspace.webring.com/people/gm/marvpug4/mms.jpg)


They melt in your mouth, not in your hand. What were you thinking??  YOU PERVERT.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: cotejy on April 28, 2010, 03:28:17 PM
Not really humor because it's a real story but certainly a funny "only in Canada" story...

François Gravel priest in Immaculée-Conception district (Trois-Rivière QC) celebrated mass last Sunday wearing this suit:

(http://www.cyberpresse.ca/images/bizphotos/435x290/201004/28/166307-cure-paroisse-immaculee-conception-abbe.jpg)

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Gulfstream Driver on April 29, 2010, 05:36:23 PM
I like it...Too bad he's backing the wrong team!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Oddball on April 29, 2010, 05:41:39 PM
For those of us on the other side of the "Pond" what team is that?
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Fabo on April 29, 2010, 06:47:05 PM
For those of us on the other side of Channel who know how to use Teh Interwebz ::bow:: , Montreal Canadiens ::wave::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Oddball on April 29, 2010, 08:02:33 PM
Ok so call me old fashioned and lazy  :D ;D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on May 17, 2010, 09:47:18 PM
hey guys! been a while! here ya go!

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire engine with lights flashing and a wailing siren at full blast zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat next to the driver of the fire engine was a Dalmatian.
The children, never having seen a dog in a fire engine before, started to discuss what the dog might be for.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."
Several more ideas were put forward and an animated discussion soon ensued when a little girl who had sat quietly throughout the discussion and deep in thought finally brought the argument to a close...
"They use the dog," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on May 17, 2010, 09:49:43 PM
HAVE YOU EVER
BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD?

WELL...YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.
 
MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY
FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.
I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.
SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME
NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.
 
 
COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?
UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.
THIS BALDING, GREY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO
OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM
IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL .
 
'YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.
 
'WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED.
 
HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?'
 
'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED.
 
HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.
 
THEN, THAT
 
UGLY,
 
OLD,
 
BALD,
 
WRINKLED,
 
FAT ASS,
 
GREY-HAIRED,
 
DECREPIT,
 
SON-OF-A-BITCH ASKED ME :
 
 
'WHAT DID YOU TEACH?"
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on May 17, 2010, 09:50:14 PM
One afternoon, Harry Harrington walks into his supervisor's office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."
"We're short-handed, Harry," the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."
"Thanks, boss," says Harry. "I knew I could count on you!"
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Firegirl on May 18, 2010, 12:02:20 AM
One day a long, long time ago, there was this pilot who, surprisingly, was not full of bullshit...

But it was just one pilot and it was a long, long time ago...

And it was just for that one day...


heh heh . . . it reminded me of Chuck  ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on May 18, 2010, 05:15:29 AM
One day a long, long time ago, there was this pilot who, surprisingly, was not full of bullshit...

But it was just one pilot and it was a long, long time ago...

And it was just for that one day...


heh heh . . . it reminded me of Chuck  ::rofl::

HA HA!! this sounds like something Julio would say......  ;)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on May 19, 2010, 11:58:05 PM
A son asked his mother the following question: 'Mom, why are wedding dresses white?'

The mother looks at her son and replies: 'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure’

The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.  'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'

The father looks at his son in surprise and says: 'Son, all household appliances come in white.'

(They are still looking for dad!) 
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: 4X-NTY on June 10, 2010, 11:06:23 PM
A little thing I picked up from an Israeli aviators forum:
guy 1: "we pilots like everything twice-two seats,two engines,two sets of wings"
Guy 2 in reply: "just the opposite of the Migs in the Syrian airforce-one seat,one engine,one-time use"
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on June 13, 2010, 09:59:00 PM
Have any of these been posted yet?

The difference between a duck and a co-pilot?
The duck can fly.


A check ride ought to be like a skirt.
Short enough to be interesting, but long enough to cover everything.


Speed is life.  Altitude is life insurance.


It only takes two things to fly:
Airspeed, and money.


The three most dangerous things in aviation:
1. A Doctor or Dentist in a Cessna.
2. Two captains in a DC-9.

The difference between flight attendants and jet engines:
The engines usually quit whining when they get to the gate.

If something hasn't broken on your helicopter -- it's about to.

Basic Flying Rules:
1. Try to stay in the middle of the air.
2. Do not go near the edges of it.
3. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly in the edges.

Unknown landing signal officer (LSO) to carrier pilot after his 6th unsuccessful landing attempt:
"You've got to land here son.  This is where the food is."



Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Busdriver on June 17, 2010, 10:54:35 AM
It only takes two things to fly:
Airspeed, and money.

You forgot the third and most important: Paper
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on July 15, 2010, 07:07:58 AM
no Al Qaeda jokes please . . . I don't want nothing to do with that mess.
Hope you understand.

Mike
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Firegirl on July 24, 2010, 03:45:21 PM
Learn from your elders


A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easy.

So the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.

The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500, he says.

This catches the senior's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?'

The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?'

The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net.

He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.

He wakes the senior and hands him $500. The senior pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?'

The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

 ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Frank N. O. on July 27, 2010, 11:59:52 AM
Haha, old wisdom is tough to beat!

These two beauties were posted at Racerplanet (the only other forum I frequent):

---

A Chicagoan dies and is transported straight to Hell. He's greeted at the gates by Satan.

Satan says to the Chicagoan, "Hot enough for you?" HAHA!!

Chicagoan says, "Well, it makes me kind of nostalgic. It's kind of like Chicago in June."

Satan's irritated. He increases the heat by a factor of two. The ground is melting. The air begins to burn.

Chicago, "Well that really takes me back. It's almost like Chicago in July."

Satan's pissed. OK, fine, he thinks, can't burn 'em, we'll go the other way. Satan shakes his mighty fist and the fires go out, and are replaced by sub zero winds and ice. The flames freeze in air and shatter into bright red shards.

The Chicagoan's face brightens to big beaming smile and he begins to dance around in ecstasy. "Cubs win!" he screams, "Cubs win!!!!!"

---

Does anyone know how to change the clock on my VCR?

Unplug the VCR. Wait until 12:00am on Sunday and plug it back in.

---

Frank
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: 4X-NTY on July 29, 2010, 06:49:07 PM
(http://mthruf.files.wordpress.com/2010/07/d6b430c9-1516-4709-b990-b096959dc93e.jpg)

 ::whistle::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on July 30, 2010, 04:16:05 AM
It should read, "Low Manifold Pressure or Short Stacks."   ::rofl::

The airport manager at Gwinner North Dakota once hung a sign above the urinal that read, "Aim as if you were shooting an ILS to minimums with 10 minutes fuel onboard."   >:D ::drinking::

RC
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on July 30, 2010, 07:04:52 AM
It should read, "Low Manifold Pressure or Short Stacks."   ::rofl::
The airport manager at Gwinner North Dakota once hung a sign above the urinal that read, "Aim as if you were shooting an ILS to minimums with 10 minutes fuel onboard."   >:D ::drinking::
RC
The full quote reads...

"Low Manifold Pressure or Short Stacks, Please pull forward...

Spray pilots...helitack or jump pilots...Please sit down"

Tis on the bathroom at KRIF....(Richfield, UT).
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on August 04, 2010, 10:49:50 PM
A blonde walks into a doctors office. She tells her doctor that everywhere she touches, she feels pain. He asks her to show him.
She pokes her elbow with her finger, pain. She pokes her leg with her finger, searing pain. The doctor tells her that her finger is broken.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on August 17, 2010, 08:05:07 PM
oops sorry about that mike!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on August 17, 2010, 10:39:17 PM
1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
 
 2. A will is a dead giveaway.
 
 3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
 
 4. A backward poet writes inverse.
 
 5. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
 
 6. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
 
 7. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
 
 8. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
 
 9. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
 
 10. A calendar's days are numbered.
 
 11. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
 
 12. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
 
 13. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium
       At large.
 
 14. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
 
 15. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
 
 16. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
 
 17. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
 
 18. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
 
 19. Acupuncture: a jab well done.
 
 20. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.
 
 21. The roundest knight at king Arthur's round table was Sir
       Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
 
 22. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned
       Out to be an optical Aleutian.
 
 23. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
 
 24. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because
       It was a weapon of math disruption.
 
 25. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
 
 26. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for
      Littering.
 
 27. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
 
 28. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
 
 29. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
 
 30. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the
      Grass.'
 
 31. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital.
       When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse
       Said  'No change yet.'
 
 32. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a
       Seasoned veteran.
 
 33. Don't join dangerous cults: practice safe sects.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on August 19, 2010, 10:43:56 PM
A South American scientist from Argentina, after a
lengthy study, has discovered that people with "IBA" or insufficient brain
activity read the posts with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late …
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Stef on August 27, 2010, 03:32:20 PM
After all this time... we all thought it was impossible, but it seems they've found it:

The formula to understand women!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on August 27, 2010, 11:31:14 PM
After all this time... we all thought it was impossible, but it seems they've found it:

The formula to understand women!

Nah. There ain't enough chalkboards to explain them  ;) ;)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Oddball on August 29, 2010, 10:13:29 PM
That equation is wrong.......he forgot to carry the two  ::whistle::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: cj5_pilot on August 31, 2010, 03:16:50 PM
It should read, "Low Manifold Pressure or Short Stacks."   ::rofl::

The airport manager at Gwinner North Dakota once hung a sign above the urinal that read, "Aim as if you were shooting an ILS to minimums with 10 minutes fuel onboard."   >:D ::drinking::

RC

The one over at Wolfe Lake reads "Low manifold pressure or Short Props, stand close.  The next pilot may not be rated to fly with floats!"
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on September 02, 2010, 03:45:52 PM
I cannot believe they even printed it....
(http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/attachments/tilted-humor/23500d1283423591-camel-toads-joke-22.jpg)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: 4X-NTY on September 04, 2010, 09:42:23 AM
Facts about Fighter Pilots

 
•   Fighter pilots are excellent at picking up women.
•   Fighter pilots are absolutely irresistible to women, who will drop their panties if a fighter pilot so much as enters the room.
•   Fighter pilots are highly skilled and take pride in their ability to consume massive quantities of alcohol, and can speak in complete sentences consisting entirely of swear words.
•   All fighter pilots are men (the females ones are considered fighter goddesses, not just mere fighter pilots)
•   How do you tell if a fighter pilot is in the room? Just wait a minute ... he'll tell you!
•   Fighter pilots always wear large dark sunglasses.
•   Fighter pilots drive the fastest, most flashy car money can buy, and they always have the speedometer on the peg.
•   The secret ingredient in Red Bull is sweat from a fighter pilots ass crack, which explains the drinks peculiar taste, and its ability to "give you wings"
•   Fighter pilots wear a bigger watch than you. It's an easier target for when they shoot it with their hands.
•   Fighter pilots do not high-five.
•   Fighter pilots do not carry briefcases.
•   Most fighter pilots chase women with cute asses though women chase F/A-18 fighter pilots and AV-8A pilots chase each other.
•   Fighter pilots subsist on a diet consisting entirely of coffee, popcorn, cigarettes, microwaved burritos, chewing tobacco, beer, and whiskey.
•   Fighter pilots are better and cooler than you.
•   Fighter pilots each have their own "Verizon network" consisting entirely of bikini clad beer girls with loose morals. Can you beer me now? Good.
•   Fighter pilots usually are given testosterone-ridden call signs like "Jockstrap" or "Whiplash." However, those who try to name themselves are invariably given the call sign "Manbitch."
•   Fighter pilots are a dying breed: The last fighter pilot has been born. In 20 years, all fighters will be unmanned. The world will be a sadder place for it
•   You will NEVER be a fighter pilot.
•   If you ARE a fighter pilot and just read that, we beg for our lives.
•   Fighter pilots can fly ANYTHING, better than anyone else. They could even fly heavy transport aircraft, but they would certainly never want to, nor do they NEED to.
•   Fighter pilots are often seen as exceedingly arrogant and full of themselves. However, they have earned it, so do not scoff, remember that YOU will never get to fly that fighter jet!
•   If you wish to take down a fighter pilot, don't even think about it when he's anywhere within a hundred kilometers from his flying metal monster, wait till he's on the ground and you have an M1 Abrams at your disposal. Unless he's flying an A-10, in which case you're fucked.
•   They don't give a shit if the pattern is full. They WILL buzz the tower whenever they damn well please.
•   The Thunderbirds and Blue Angels are NOT fighter pilots. They are Movie Stars. They are usually re-admitted to the role of the fighter pilot when they move on to their next assignments.
•   Fighter pilots have a secret hand gesture and handshake. They will never tell you what they are, and you will never see them do it in public (unless you are a hot, slightly drunk, 25-year old nymphomaniac stripper attending the O-Club on a Friday night.)
•   No fighter pilot is drunk as long as he can hold onto a single blade of grass and not be flung from the face of the earth.

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on September 05, 2010, 02:33:39 PM
At dawn the telephone rings, "Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead."

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"

"Si, Senor, that's the one."

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"

"From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod."

"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."

"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"

"Yes, Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor."

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."

"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"

"Yes, Senor Rod."

"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Senor Rod."

"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"

"Your wife's, Senor Rod". She came home very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Ping G15 204g titanium head golf club with the TFC 149D graphite shaft."

SILENCE........... LONG SILENCE.........VERY LONG SILENCE.

"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit!!!"
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on September 15, 2010, 09:33:11 PM
Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to consider this:

My wife and I are traveling by car from Victoria to Prince George .
Being Seniors, after almost eleven hours on the road, we were too tired to continue,
and decided to take a room. But, we only planned to sleep for 4 hours and then get
back on the road.
When we checked out 4 hours later, the desk clerk handed us a bill for $350.00.

I exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high.
I told the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00 for 4 hours.
Then the clerk tells me that $350.00 is the "standard rate". I insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to me, and then explains that the hotel has an
Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for us to use.

"But we didn't use them," I said.

''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.

He went on to explain that we could also have taken in one of the shows
for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from New York ,
Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows," I said.

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, I replied, "But we didn't use it!"

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually I gave up and agreed to pay.

I wrote a check and gave it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the cheque. "But sir, this cheque is only made out for $50.00."


''That's correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife," I replied.

"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

I said, "Well, too bad, she was here, and you could have."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: vldflight on September 16, 2010, 10:06:49 PM
 ;DMust have been a nice wife.....I'd only deduct a dollar.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on October 13, 2010, 05:52:29 PM
 ::whistle:: ::whistle::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Jean Loup on October 13, 2010, 06:06:26 PM
She's so ugly......but I love her:
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on October 14, 2010, 08:28:31 PM
(http://i76.photobucket.com/albums/j35/helokat/funnies/image001.jpg)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Jean Loup on October 15, 2010, 05:02:56 PM
 ::type:: at a "certain" Immigration Office:

— Do you speak English?
— Yes.
— Name?
— Kader Abu Jalil.
— Sex?
— Three to five times a week.
— No, no… I mean male or female?
— Yes, male, female, sometimes camel.
— Holy cow!
— Yes, cow, sheep, animals in general.
— But isn"t it hostile?
— Horse style, doggy style, any style!
— Oh dear!
— No, no! Deer runs too fast.
 ::knockedout:: ::knockedout:: ::knockedout::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: 4X-NTY on October 21, 2010, 06:40:00 PM
Today one of the army's UAVs crashed, the pilot is OK.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Oddball on October 26, 2010, 08:46:24 PM
Does this belong to some one in here  ;D :
A flying students diary
Week 1

Monday: Rain

Tuesday: Rain

Wednesday: No rain; no visibility either

Thursday: Take instructor to lunch. Discover I don’t know enough
to take instructor to lunch.

Friday: Fly! Do first stall and second stall during same manoeuvre. Cover instructor with lunch.

Week 2

Monday: Learned not to scrape frost off Plexiglas with ice-scraper. Used big scratch as marker to set pitch.

Tuesday: Instructor wants me to stop calling throttle “THAT BIG KNOB THING.” Also hates when I call instruments “GADGETS”

Wednesday: Radios won’t pick up radio stations, so I turned them off. Instructor seems to think I missed something.

Thursday: Learned 10 degree bank is not a steep turn. Did stall again today. Lost 2000 feet. Instructor said that was some kind of record — my first compliment.

Friday: Did steep turn. Instructor said I was not ready for inverted flight yet.

Week 3

Monday: Instructor called in sick. New instructor told me to stop calling her “BABE”. Did steep turns. She said I had to have permission for inverted flight.

Tuesday: Instructor back. He told me to stop calling him “BABE”, too. He got mad when I pulled power back on takeoff because the engine was to loud.

Wednesday: Instructor said after the first 20 hours, most students have established a learning curve. He said there is a slight bend in mine. Aha–progress!

Thursday: Did stalls. Clean recovery. Instructor said I did good job. Also did turns around a point. Instructor warned me never to pick ex-fiancée’s house as point again.

Friday: Did circuit work. Instructor said that if downwind, base and final formed a triangle, I would be perfect. More praise!

Week 4

Monday: First landing at a controlled field. Did fine until I told the captain in the 747 ahead of us on the taxiway to move his bird. Instructor says we’ll have ground school all this week on radio procedures.

Tuesday: Asked instructor if everyone in his family had turned grey at such an early age. He smiled. We did takeoff stalls. He says I did just fine but to wait until we reached altitude next time. Three Niner Juliet will be out of the shop in three days when the new strut and tyre arrive. Instructor says his back bothers him only a little.

Wednesday: Flew through clouds. I thought those radio towers were a lot lower. I’m sure my instructor is going grey.

Thursday: Left flaps down for entire flight. Instructor asked way. I told him I wanted the extra lift as a safety margin. More ground school.

Friday: Asked instructor when I could solo. I have never seen anyone actually laugh until they cried before.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on October 27, 2010, 05:58:04 PM
SUMBICH!



 
 
A filthy rich Florida man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors.
He also invited Leroy, the only Redneck in the neighborhood. 
He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion 
Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women. 
At the height of the party, 
The host said, 'I have a 10 foot 
Man-eating gator in my pool 
And I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in.
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash. Everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool! 
Leroy was fighting the gator! Leroy was jabbing it in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and  flipping it through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. 
The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell. 
Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish. 
Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.   
Finally the host says, 'Well, 
Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.' 
'No, that's okay. I don't want It,' said Leroy. 
The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?' 
No thanks, I don't want it,' 
Answered Leroy. 
The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?' 
Again Leroy said no. 
Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well, Leroy, then what  do   you want?' 
Leroy said, 'I want the name of the sumbich who pushed me in the pool!'
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on October 30, 2010, 04:46:36 PM
I am not sure if you guys are familiar with the webcomic "Airforce Blues" but we work together quite a bit.

Right now they have a really funny strip, check it out:

http://www.afblues.com/wordpress/ (http://www.afblues.com/wordpress/)

Stef and I were laughing like this:  ::rofl::

(if you saw this after the end of Oct, then look up "smart drones" on Oct 29th or try clicking on this link: http://www.afblues.com/wordpress/2010/10/29/ (http://www.afblues.com/wordpress/2010/10/29/) )
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Jupiter on October 30, 2010, 05:48:39 PM
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

(You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)!


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed
was nicely made, and that everything was picked up and tidy.
Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed,

'Dad.'

With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the
letter, with trembling hands.

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing to you. I had to
elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with
Mum and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I
knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings',
tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much
older than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't, really
hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with
the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and
ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so
Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know
your many grandchildren.

Love, your son, Joshua.

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in
life than the School report that's on the kitchen table.



---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(http://www.avolites.org.uk/jokes/geniuses-1.jpg)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Franz on October 30, 2010, 08:39:59 PM
Find irresponsible behavior in the above picture.


a) Use of an electric barbecue
b) Beer way too close to (a)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Turbomallard on November 02, 2010, 12:10:55 PM
Chuck, is that you?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OZT9IvH5mC8
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on November 15, 2010, 11:24:02 PM
The Divorced Barbie Doll

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?' The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.

The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, and one of Ken's Friends.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on November 18, 2010, 12:08:46 AM

(Note:  Trucker trash CB talk is a dialect of Bad English)   ::whistle::

i am so going to use that excuse the next time i fly!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on November 18, 2010, 07:06:31 AM

(Note:  Trucker trash CB talk is a dialect of Bad English)   ::whistle::

i am so going to use that excuse the next time i fly!

You are most welcome to use it!   ::bow:: ::bow:: ::bow:: ::bow::

Feel free to check with me if you'd like help with any translations from one dialect to the other!    |:)\


RC
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Stef on November 18, 2010, 06:56:01 PM
Neologisms

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are the winners:

   1.   Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
   2.   Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
   3.   Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
   4.   Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
   5.   Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
   6.   Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
   7.   Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high
   8.   Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
   9.   Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
  10.   Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
  11.   Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer......like
  12.   Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
  13.   Glibido: All talk and no action.
  14.   Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
  15.   Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
  16.   Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
  17.   Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

And the winners are:

   1.   Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.
   2.   Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
   3.   Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
   4.   Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
   5.   Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.
   6.   Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
   7.   Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.
   8.   Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
   9.   Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
  10.   Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
  11.   Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.
  12.   Rectitude, n.The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
  13.   Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
  14.   Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
  15.   Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
  16.   Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Stef on November 20, 2010, 11:40:30 AM
Hahaha! Check this here out:  ;D

http://comics.com/pearls_before_swine/2010-11-14/ (http://comics.com/pearls_before_swine/2010-11-14/)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on November 20, 2010, 11:47:38 PM
Neologisms
   3.   Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

 ::rofl:: ::rofl::

that one is my favorite!
I don't know how many times I got "intaxicated" already......
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on November 21, 2010, 08:50:07 AM
You are most welcome to use it!   ::bow:: ::bow:: ::bow:: ::bow::

Feel free to check with me if you'd like help with any translations from one dialect to the other!    |:)\

RC

where i work now...i speak english, ghetto, hood rat, redneck and heck even some spanish!!

on a side note i remember one time i was flying somewhere here in texas and a guy said this: "(kxyz) unicom N12345 you got yer ears on?"
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on November 25, 2010, 06:19:57 PM
Men Are Just Happier People

NICKNAMES
· If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
· If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Numbnuts and S**** for Brains.

EATING OUT
· When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
· When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
· A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
· A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
· A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
· The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
· A woman has the last word in any argument.
· Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
· A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
· A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
· A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
· A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
· A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
· A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
· A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
· A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
· Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
· Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
· Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
· A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.


THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Oddball on November 29, 2010, 08:01:39 PM
Notice of Proposed Rulemaking (NPRM)

Part 0, Section 000 (a) 1(c)
Section I – No pilot or pilots, or person or persons acting on the direction or suggestion or supervision of a pilot or pilots may try, or attempt to try or make, or make attempt to try to comprehend or understand any or all, in whole or in part of the herein mentioned Aviation Regulations, except as authorized by the Administrator or an agent appointed by, or inspected by, the Administrator.

Section II – If a pilot, or group of associate pilots becomes aware of, or realizes, or detects, or discovers, or finds that he or she, or they, are or have been beginning to understand the Aviation Regulations, they must immediately, within three (3) days notify, in writing, the Administrator.

Section III – Upon receipt of the above-mentioned notice of impending comprehension, the Administrator shall immediately rewrite the Aviation Regulations in such a manner as to eliminate any further comprehension hazards.

Section IV – The Administrator may, at his or her discretion, require the offending pilot or pilots to attend remedial instruction in Aviation Regulations until such time that the pilot is too confused to be capable of understanding anything.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: cotejy on November 29, 2010, 09:00:09 PM
Notice of Proposed Rulemaking (NPRM)

Part 0, Section 000 (a) 1(c)
Section I – No pilot or pilots, or person or persons acting on the direction or suggestion or supervision of a pilot or pilots may try, or attempt to try or make, or make attempt to try to comprehend or understand any or all, in whole or in part of the herein mentioned Aviation Regulations, except as authorized by the Administrator or an agent appointed by, or inspected by, the Administrator.

Section II – If a pilot, or group of associate pilots becomes aware of, or realizes, or detects, or discovers, or finds that he or she, or they, are or have been beginning to understand the Aviation Regulations, they must immediately, within three (3) days notify, in writing, the Administrator.

Section III – Upon receipt of the above-mentioned notice of impending comprehension, the Administrator shall immediately rewrite the Aviation Regulations in such a manner as to eliminate any further comprehension hazards.

Section IV – The Administrator may, at his or her discretion, require the offending pilot or pilots to attend remedial instruction in Aviation Regulations until such time that the pilot is too confused to be capable of understanding anything.


Humor? This is more sad truth... LOL
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Franz on November 30, 2010, 08:17:16 AM
Did you find that on wikileaks?  ;)

Anyway, I need to forward that to a lot of people . . .
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Oddball on November 30, 2010, 06:14:02 PM
I found that on the next best thing at http://aviationhumor.net
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on December 03, 2010, 10:34:45 PM
Sometimes You Gotta Love Drunk People
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door, where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning! He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"J ust some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it's 3 o' clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes" comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?", calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk...
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on December 04, 2010, 08:46:24 AM
Sex and Good English

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.

The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, 'This is a powerful medicine, and
it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.' When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in
your life, and you can perform as long as you want."

The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him
in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"

Immediately, he was the manliest of men!

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"



And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Cpt. Blade on December 04, 2010, 07:49:38 PM
Somewhere in the middle of nowhere, there was a small town, right beside a small indigenous reserve, both of which surrounded by a large number of farms.

There was a small radio station in the town, which broadcasted music and weather information for the townspeople and for the farmers.

The winter was approaching, and the radio station's manager said to a newbie boy: "Kid, we need to know how is the winter going to be, to inform the farmers. I need you to go see the indians, these guys always know this kind of stuff."

The boy went to the tribe, where he saw three indians cutting and stockpiling timber. He kid then returned to the station, and told what he saw to the sation's manager. Later that day, the radio informed that the winter would be moderately cold.

The next day, the manager wasn't very confident in the forecast, and sent the boy to the tribe again - just to be sure.

The boy went to the tribe, where he saw nine indians cutting timber. He then returned to the station to tell his boss what he saw. That same day, the radio informed that the winter would be quite cold.

The manager still wasn't very confident, and two days later, sent the boy to investigate the tribesmen, again. When the boy returned, he informed his boss that he saw 20 men cutting timber. The boss nodded, and proceeded to inform the audience that the winter could be harsh that year.

Three or four days later the manager wanted to make sure that the indians were right, and sent the boy to the tribe - again. The boy departed, and arrived minutes later, to tell his boss that he saw all the adult men and women in the tribe cutting and stockpiling timber.

The manager was baffled, and decided to go talk to the indians himself. Once there he spoke to the shaman, and said: "I see that you guys are really busy stocking all this timber... tell me, how do you know the winter will be so harsh?"

The shaman readily replied: "Because radio guy told us so."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Cpt. Blade on December 04, 2010, 08:26:27 PM
An executive of a big international corporation was driving his sports car through the country side. At some point during his ride, something caught his attention: it was a shepherd, conducting his flock of sheep through a calm, unpaved road.

The executive then thought, "hey, I can easily fool this guy", and stopped his car. He stepped out, and went on to talk to the shepherd.

"Hello there, my good man. I see you have a beautiful herd here", said the guy. "I wanna make you a proposal. If I guess the right number of sheep you have, can I take one with me?" The shepherd thought about for a moment, and said, "alright, go ahead."

The executive then drew his laptop and his scientific calculator. He used data from a satellite to estimate the area occupied by the flock, then accessed a database to see the historic records of sheep proportions in that particular region. After minutes of frantic calculation and research, the man came up with a result: "you have 61 sheep, 23 males, 34 females and 10 lambs. 2 of the females are pregnant." The shepherd mumbled, "yeah, you are right...", and the man promptly grabbed an animal and headed for his car.

The shepherd then asked him, "hey pal, if I guess your profession right, would you give my sheep back?", to which the man replied, "why not, go ahead!", while thinking, "this redneck can not possibly get that right!"

The shepherd then said, "you are a statistical consultant, aren't you?"

The man was shocked. "How did you find out?"

The shepherd explained: "4 things, actually. First, you showed up without being requested. Second, you used the most complex and time consuming method possible. Third, you did all that to tell me something I already knew. And fourth, you don't understand a thing about the subject you are working with, please give me back my dog."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on December 07, 2010, 09:09:23 PM
Heavenly
Two old micks are replacing a roof on a whore house in Dublin. They break for lunch and sit to watch the crowd go by.

Pretty soon they see Rabbi Liebowitz from Temple Beth Israel coming down the street and he turns into the building beneath them.

"Oh and ain't that a shame Paddy? A good man of the pagan cloth takin' his pleasure in a house of sin?"

Pretty soon they see Reverend Thompson from the Church of England coming down the street and he goes into their building.

"Can you believe it Sean? Another fornicator! Just last week I saw him giving candy to children."

Finally they see Father O'Malley from St. John's Cathedral coming down the street and he goes in the front door.

"And ain't that a wonderful sight, Paddy? Some poor girl must be dying in there and the good father's come to give her his blessing!"
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on December 18, 2010, 08:29:11 AM
To Be 6 Again!

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was
looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not
far off he asked what she'd like to
have for her birthday.

'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror .

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall
of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was
reeling and her stomach felt upside
down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a
chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy,
M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed
exhausted.


He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six
again?'

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

'I meant my dress size, you freaking retard!!!!'

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna
get it wrong.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on December 22, 2010, 12:43:22 AM
Rick walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.  He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.

The 10 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Rick and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Rick said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Rick placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Rick. "Fair's fair. Here's your money", she said.

Rick replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news, So I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied, "I did, too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."

Rick took the money.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on December 24, 2010, 05:46:46 PM
I just finished talking with my friend in Buffalo, and he said that since early this morning, all his wife has done is look through the kitchen window and the snow is nearly waist high. He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in...
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Oddball on December 24, 2010, 07:31:47 PM
Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration, and the FAA examiner arrived last week for the pre-Christmas flight check.

In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order. He knew they would examine all his equipment and truly put Santa’s flying skills to the test…The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolph’s nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa’s weight and balance calculations for the sled’s enormous payload.

Finally, they were ready for the checkride. Santa got in and fastened his seatbelt and shoulder harness and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa’s surprise, a shotgun.

“What’s that for?!?” asked Santa incredulously.

The examiner winked and said, “I’m not supposed to tell you this ahead of time,” as he leaned over to whisper in Santa’s ear, “but you’re gonna lose an engine on takeoff.”
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Stef on January 04, 2011, 02:00:41 PM
Stole some really wise wisdoms for you:

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, why don't you just leave me the hell alone?

Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.

No one is listening until you fart.

Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of credit card payments.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.

Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass ... then things just keep getting worse.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on January 11, 2011, 04:54:32 AM
ty stef i needed that!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on January 14, 2011, 03:36:22 PM
(can't remember if this was posted already....if so whoops!)

PUNS FOR THOSE WITH A HIGHER IQ

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away.)
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted - Taint yours and taint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on January 15, 2011, 09:06:35 PM
Wise man say: "He who runs in front of car gets tired, he who runs behind, is exhausted."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: YawningMan on January 29, 2011, 10:34:33 PM
Why did the chicken cross the road?

To show the armadillo it can be done.

http://www.aaanimalcontrol.com/blog/roadkilledarmadillo.htm (http://www.aaanimalcontrol.com/blog/roadkilledarmadillo.htm)



Why did the traffic light turn red?

If you had to change in the middle of the street, you'd turn red, too!



A couple of Boy Scouts, Earl and Carlos, decided to plan to go to the movies on Saturday. They eagerly scooped up their allowances, got on their bikes, and were on their way. When they arrived, the theatre wasn't very full. Strangely, there was a man lying in the middle of the aisle. Having just learned First Aid, the Boy Scouts were eager to see if they could help.

Remembering that one should never move a victim without knowing what's wrong, Earl started by asking, "Hello, we're Boy Scouts and we're going to help you. Are you okay?" The man merely replied by groaning. Earl wondered, "Do you think he heard me? Maybe he doesn't know English." Carlos knew Spanish, so he thought he'd try his hand. He asked the same question in Spanish, but got the same response.

Carlos thought, "Well, that didn't work, Earl. Do you think he'd understand us if we asked him where he came from?" Earl didn't have any better ideas, so he slowly asked, "Sir, can you tell us where you came from?" At this, the man slowly and painfully raised his arm, pointing straight up. Under great strain, he answered, "The balcony".
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Stef on February 01, 2011, 07:30:43 PM
(http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3100/2655291694_ecffa55dde_z.jpg?zz=1)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Oddball on February 08, 2011, 10:37:06 PM
A fighter pilot goes to a bar after a good days flying. Whilst there he meets a young, attractive and available lady. She is charmed by his tales of aerial combat, high speed flight, and death defying feats. The inevitable happens and they slip away to somewhere more comfortable for an evenings intimate entertainment.

Much later that night the pilot drives home to his long suffering wife. On the way he puts on his oxygen mask and draws the straps up as tight as they will go. When he gets home he removes the mask and bravely enters the house. Immediately he tells the wife exactly and honestly what he has been up to that evening.

She replies: “Do not lie to me, I can see you have been flying that damned airplane yet again”.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on February 09, 2011, 02:16:38 AM
A fighter pilot goes to a bar after a good days flying. Whilst there he meets a young, attractive and available lady. She is charmed by his tales of aerial combat, high speed flight, and death defying feats. The inevitable happens and they slip away to somewhere more comfortable for an evenings intimate entertainment.

Much later that night the pilot drives home to his long suffering wife. On the way he puts on his oxygen mask and draws the straps up as tight as they will go. When he gets home he removes the mask and bravely enters the house. Immediately he tells the wife exactly and honestly what he has been up to that evening.

She replies: “Do not lie to me, I can see you have been flying that damned airplane yet again”.


this is great!! thanks for posting!   ::wave:: ::rofl:: ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Jean Loup on February 10, 2011, 08:49:01 PM
A fighter pilot goes to a bar after a good days flying. Whilst there he meets a young, attractive and available lady. She is charmed by his tales of aerial combat, high speed flight, and death defying feats. The inevitable happens and they slip away to somewhere more comfortable for an evenings intimate entertainment.

Much later that night the pilot drives home to his long suffering wife. On the way he puts on his oxygen mask and draws the straps up as tight as they will go. When he gets home he removes the mask and bravely enters the house. Immediately he tells the wife exactly and honestly what he has been up to that evening.

She replies: “Do not lie to me, I can see you have been flying that damned airplane yet again”.


this is great!! thanks for posting the tip!   ::wave:: ::rofl:: ::rofl::
Correction  ::wave::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on February 22, 2011, 09:26:34 AM
A new Middle East crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'. A spokesman for the channel said. "A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do".
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on March 06, 2011, 04:43:35 PM
Blondes Explaining Easter

This could be the ultimate blonde joke

Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter represented.

The first blonde, an American, said "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey."

St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and wouldn't let her in.

The second blonde, a Brit, said "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus's birth and exchange gifts."
St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he wouldn't let her in either.

The third blonde, a Canadian, said she knew what Easter was, and St.Peter said, "So, tell me."
She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with his disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him. The Romans hung him on the cross and eventually he died. Then they buried him in a tomb behind a very large boulder ... "

St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good."

Then the blonde continued, "Now, every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of hockey."

St. Peter fainted.


P.S. This is my 1500th post!!  ::drinking:: ::drinking::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on March 06, 2011, 09:04:15 PM
For  all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection  for the way
computers have enhanced our lives, read  on...

At  a recent computer expo (COMDEX) Bill  Gates reportedly compared the
computer industry with  the auto industry and stated, 'If GM had kept up
with  technology like the computer industry has, we would  all be driving
$25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the  gallon.'

In  response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a  press release
stating:

If  GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would  all be driving
cars with the following characteristics  (and I just love this part ):

1. For no  reason whatsoever, your car would  crash........twice  a day.

2. Every time they repainted the  lines in the road, you would have to buy a
new  car.

3.  Occasionally your car would die on the motorway for no  reason. You
would have to pull to the side of the  road, close all of the windows, shut
off the car,  restart it, and reopen the windows before you could  continue.
For some reason you would simply accept  this..

4. Occasionally, executing a  maneuver such as a left turn would cause your
car to  shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you  would have to
reinstall the  engine.

5.  Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the  sun, was reliable,
five times as fast and twice as  easy to drive - but would run on only five
per cent of  the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature,  and alternator warning lights would all be
replaced by  a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation'  warning
light.

I  love the next one!!!

7.  The airbag system would ask, 'Are you sure?' before  deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason  whatsoever, your car would lock you out and
refuse to  let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door  handle,
turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio  antenna.

9.  Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would  have to learn how
to drive all over again because none  of the controls would operate in the
same manner as  the old car.

10. You'd have to press the  'Start' button to turn the engine  off

PS  - when all else fails, you could call 'customer  service' in some
foreign country and be instructed in  some foreign language how to fix your
car  yourself!!!!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on March 07, 2011, 12:40:52 AM
A Tale of Two Prawns
Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea, one called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.

Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted." Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed (as it invariably does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn. He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail (the punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse). Looking around the Gathering at the reef he realised he couldn't see his old pal.

"Where's Christian?" he asked.

"He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark," came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, He set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted: "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."

Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."

Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed........."







(You're going to love this.....)





















"I found Cod.....I'm a Prawn again Christian."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on March 09, 2011, 04:52:09 PM
An Aussie poem:

Goodbye Granddad

Poor old Granddad's passed away, cut off in his prime,

He never had a day off crook - gone before his time,

We found him in the dunny, collapsed there on the seat,

A startled look upon his face, his trousers around his feet,

The doctor said his heart was good - fit as any trout,

The Constable he had his say, 'foul play' was not ruled out.

There were theories at the inquest of snakebite without trace,
Of redbacks quietly creeping and death from outer space,

No-one had a clue at all - the judge was in some doubt,

When Dad was called to have his say as to how it came about,

'I reckon I can clear it up,' said Dad with trembling breath,

'You see it's quite a story - but it could explain his death.'

'This here exploration mob had been looking at our soil,

And they reckoned that our farm was just the place to look for oil.

So they came and put a bore down and said they'd make some trials,

They drilled a hole as deep as hell, they said about three miles!

Well, they never found a trace of oil and off they went, post haste.

But I couldn't see a hole like that go to flamin' waste,

So I moved the dunny over it - a real smart move I thought -

I'd never have to dig again - I'd never be 'caught short'.

The day I moved the dunny, it looked a proper sight,

But I didn't dream poor Granddad would pass away that night,

Now I reckon what has happened - poor Granddad didn't know,

The dunny was re-located when that night he had to go.

And you'll probably be wondering how poor Granddad did his dash--

Well, he always used to hold his breath

Until he heard the splash!!

Footnote: Maybe needs to be more than 3 miles deep - he only had to hold his breath for 31.2 seconds for the crap to get to the bottom + 14.1 seconds for some kind of sound to return! Aside from that---cool poem.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Oddball on March 12, 2011, 11:47:40 PM
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD? ATTEMPT TWO!

F-111 Chicken:
Crosses the eight-lane highway both ways!
F/A-18E Chicken:
Crosses the road ahead of schedule and with less cost than expected
TSR.2 Chicken:
It tried hard to cross the road, but got beheaded before getting to the kerb
A-10 Chicken:
Tough enough to cross the road even when cars are about!
Rafale Chicken:
You see different colored feathers while it crosses, but cook it and it still tastes like… chicken.
F-15E Chicken:
Crosses the road fast, low, and very accurately, and wards off any cars that might want to knock it down.
F-16 Chicken:
Small, light, and agile, but seldom has enough fuel to reach the other side.
F-4 Chicken:
Getting elderly, but still in top form to take on tomorrows roads. Very ugly, but very effective.
Foxbat Chicken:
Crosses so fast it gets a speeding ticket!
E-3A Chicken:
Looks left, right, forward, back, up, down and all around, then directs all the other Chickens as to where is the safest place to cross.
F-117 Chicken:
Only crosses the road at night…
B-47 Chicken:
Tried to run, but got flattened by the B-52 Chicken
B-52 Chicken:
A rather elderly Chicken that crosses the road with noise, smoke, and a huge load, but can easily be knocked over by a car before it gets to the other side.
B-2 Chicken:
Nobody really knows…
SR-71 Chicken:
Can’t lay eggs, but if run on the correct JP-7 fodder can reach high enough speed to outrun any preying foxes, and can flap high enough to escape the clutches of their paws. Easily discernable by piping hot black feathers.
Stits SkyBaby Chicken:
Can’t cluck, and can’t lay eggs, but you can carry it across the road in your pocket
X-15 Chicken:
Crosses faster than any other chicken, but if you don’t dip it in liquid nitrogen first, it arrives on the other side fully cooked.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Oddball on March 12, 2011, 11:51:39 PM
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD? (First Attempt)

USAF reactions to this event follow:

Air Education and Training Command:
The purpose is to familiarize the chicken with road-crossing procedures. Road-crossing should be performed only between the hours of sunset and sunrise. Solo chickens must have at least three miles of visibility and a safety observer.

Special Ops:
The chicken crossed at a 90 degree angle to avoid prolonged exposure to a line of communication. To achieve maximum surprise, the chicken should have performed this maneuver at night using NVG’s, preferably near a road bend in a valley.

Air Combat Command:
The chicken should log this as a GCC sortie only if road-crossing qualified. The crossing updates the chicken’s 60-day road-crossing currency only if performed on a Monday or Thursday or during a full moon. Instructor chickens may update currency any time they observe another chicken cross the road.

Tanker Airlift Control Center:
We need the road-crossing time and the time the chicken becomes available for another crossing.

Command Post:
What chicken?

Tower:
The chicken was instructed to hold short of the road. This road-incursion incident was reported in a Hazardous Chicken Road-Crossing Report (HCRCR). Please re-emphasize that chickens are required to read back all hold short instructions.

C-130 crewmember:
Just put it in back and let’s go.

C-141 crewmember:
I ordered a no. 4 with Turkey and ham, NOT chicken. Besides, where the heck are my condiments?! We ain’t taking off til’ I get my condiments!!!

Fighter dude:
Look, dude, that was the frag, OK? I’ve flown my 1.0 for the day and I ain’t got time for anymore questions!

B-1 crew:
Missed the whole show–we had an IFE so we couldn’t get out to see it; you’ll have to ask the SOF.

Air Force Personnel Center:
Due to the needs of the Air Force, the chicken was involuntarily reassigned to the other side of the road. This will be a 3-year controlled tour and we promise to give the chicken a good-deal assignment afterwards. Every chicken will be required to do one road-crossing during its career, and this will not affect its opportunities for future promotion.

John Warden:
The chicken used its unique ability to operate in 2 dimensions to bypass the less important strategic rings on this side of the road and strike directly into the heart of the enemy, thereby destroying the will of the enemy to fight and thus ending the conflict on terms favorable to the chicken.

Congress:
The chicken will do anything to get the C-17 and the F-22.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on March 15, 2011, 01:52:51 AM
This is awesome ! !    ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::drinking::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Oddball on March 18, 2011, 04:32:09 PM
Perils of Road Testing:


Staffer Lance Holst recently set a record by claiming the largest confirmed road kill ever recorded during _Motorcyclist_ testing. In fact, due to the size of the bird and the circumstances surrounding its demise, Holst was required to submit to interrogation by the FAA, as well as the NTSB, AAA, the National Audubon Society and the Guinness Book of Records. We quote the official FAA report.
“During a routine evaluation session at _Motorcyclist’s_ desert test complex, staffer Holst was traveling at a necessarily elevated rate of speed whilst quantifying dynamic stability criteria of a test unit. Operating under Visual Riding Rules, Holst sighted an unauthorized buzzard on the road surface ahead, eating an unidentified dead thing (UDT). Apparently distracted by a particularly recalcitrant piece of viscera, said buzzard failed to initiate its take-off roll expeditiously and was still in the early phases of a full-power climb-out when Holst (traveling at approximately 200 ft./sec.) realized a collision was imminent. Holst’s helmet contacted the buzzard just aft of the right wing root, resulting in instantaneous and catastrophic failure of the bird’s flight-control system. Staffer Holst blacked out momentarily immediately after impact but maintained control of his vehicle. Later examination of his Kiwi helmet revealed substantial damage to its energy- absorbing liner, indicating the severity of the impact.

“Eyewitness accounts of the incident indicate the buzzard was not developing power after the initial collision and traveled in a ballistic arc of substantial height, eventually impacting the ground in a steep nose-down attitude. There was no fire after impact. The bird was not transponder equipped and had not filed a flight plan.

“CAUSE OF ACCIDENT: BUZZARD ERROR”

Taken from the Last Page, Motorcyclist, September 1991.The article is accompanied by a photo of a bike in the background. In the foreground we have a man in leathers w/ helmet holding a large bird from one wingtip. The wingspan is roughly as wide as he is tall…
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Jean Loup on March 22, 2011, 05:15:33 PM
 ::thinking:: If it doesn't go in, don't force it!  ::sulk::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on March 25, 2011, 11:24:51 PM
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $5 million.
His bookkeeper, a guy called Guido, is deaf and that was the reason he got the job in the
first place.It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in
any court, if it came to that.
 
When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $5 million, he takes along
his lawyer who knows sign language.
 
The Godfather tells the lawyer; "Ask him where's the money.”
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido; "Where's the money ?"
Guido signs back; "I don't know what you’re talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather; "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a gun, puts it to Guido's temple and says; "Ask him again !"
The lawyer signs to Guido; "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Guido signs back, "Ok ok ! You win !! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind
the shed at my cousin Bruno's house in the Bronx.."
The Godfather asks the lawyer; "What did he say ?"
The lawyer replies, " He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger….."


Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on April 05, 2011, 08:45:04 PM
West Virginia 

FARM KID in Marines (NOW AT  San Diego MARINE CORPS RECRUIT TRAINING)



Dear Ma and Pa,

I Am well.  Hope you are.  Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man  Minch  by a mile.  Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I Was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m.  But I am getting so I like to sleep late.  Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things.  No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay.  Practically nothing.

Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.
Breakfast Is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee.  Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again.  It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us up.  If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him
different.  A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home.  Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The Sergeant is like a school teacher.  He nags a lot.  The Captain is like the school board.  Majors and colonels just ride around and frown.  They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing.  I keep getting medals for shooting.  I don't know why.  The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home.  All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it.  You don't even load your own cartridges.  They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training.  You get to wrestle with them city boys.  I have to be real careful though, they break real easy.  It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home.  I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake .  I only beat him once.  He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6' and 130 pounds and he's 6'8' and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.


Your Loving daughter,

Alice

 

 
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Turbomallard on April 12, 2011, 08:17:30 PM
Yikes! Now I know how Chuck feels when he goes to the grocery store...

TM
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on April 13, 2011, 09:01:37 PM
RAY and TURBO ! ! !
Is that you?!?!

Oh no!

...I'm gonna be sick . . .  ::silly:: ::sweat:: ::sick::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on April 14, 2011, 09:21:27 PM
Two Minnesota mechanical engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A woman walks by and asks what they were doing. 'We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole,' said Sven, 'but we don't have a ladder. The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced, 'Eighteen feet, six inches, and walked away. Ollie shook his head and laughed. 'Ain't that just like a woman! We ask for the height and she gives us the length!' Sven and Ollie are currently working for the United States Forest Service.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Firegirl on April 23, 2011, 05:16:59 PM
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no
lessons, nor prior experience.
She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into
motion.
It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to
slide from the saddle.
In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm
grip.
She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck , but she slides
down the horse's side anyway
The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.
 Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from
the horse and throw herself to safety.
Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup; she is now
at the mercy of the horse's
pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.
As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away
from unconsciousness when to her great fortune.....
Frank, the Walmart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.


 And you thought all they did was say Hello.
 ;)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on May 07, 2011, 09:37:26 PM
You pick up a hitchhiker, a beautiful girl. Suddenly she faints inside your car and you take her to hospital.
Now that's stressful.

But at the hospital , they say she is pregnant & congratulate you that you're going to be a father.
You say that you are not the father, but the girl says you are.
This is getting very stressful

So then...... you request a DNA test to prove that you are not the father. After the tests are completed, the doctor says that you are infertile, and probably have been since birth.
You are extremely stressed but relieved...

On your way back home, you think about your 3 kids at home.
NOW THAT'S STRESS!!!!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Busdriver on May 09, 2011, 08:00:00 AM
If Eva had been chinese we still would live in paradise, she would have eaten the snake...
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on May 12, 2011, 11:06:14 PM
One day, while going to the shop, I passed by a retirement village.  On the front lawn were six old ladies, lying naked on the grass.

I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way.

On my return trip, I passed the same retirement village with the same six old ladies lying naked on the lawn.

This time my curiosity got the better of me and I went inside to talk to the retirement village Administrator, and asked her

Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front lawn?

Yes,' she said, "aren't they darlings?  They're retired prostitutes - they're having a garage sale.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on May 14, 2011, 01:29:49 PM
(http://i76.photobucket.com/albums/j35/helokat/funnies/helipilot.jpg)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on May 19, 2011, 03:13:30 AM
Awesome! I love it!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: tundra_flier on May 24, 2011, 04:56:03 AM
If Eva had been chinese we still would live in paradise, she would have eaten the snake...

Sorry, just made me think of this web comic  http://www.sandraandwoo.com/2008/12/18/0017-the-forbidden-fruit/
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Stef on May 24, 2011, 10:15:25 AM
They sure throw big weddings for helicopter pilots over there in Britain!  ::bow::

And here's an image of a cute cat:

(http://i.imgur.com/oR3dY.gif)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on May 26, 2011, 03:11:32 AM
man! that's one fat cat!  :o

Hey, that reminds me of my first English lessons . . . . The cat is fat.  ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Frank N. O. on May 26, 2011, 05:45:18 AM
Wow I didn't even notice the cat that much at first, I just looked at the guy getting a big booboo (flat-screens aren't really that much lighter than CRT's so still not something you want to get hit in the head with). There's actually a cat that walks around that looks a fair bit like that one with the same daded white/yellow fur although it's not quite as far and mostly looks like it's got very thick fur, especially on it's very long tail.

Frank
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Artoo on May 26, 2011, 05:37:50 PM
Why is nothing plugged into the display?  Makes me suspicious of staging.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on May 26, 2011, 07:21:59 PM
in the old days, the TV's were thicker and the cats were thinner . . .  ;D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Frank N. O. on May 28, 2011, 04:14:03 AM
Hmm now you mention it then it does look a little weird. Both the lack of cables and that, depending on how the cat moved it's head, then the cat's movements doesn't quite sync with the tv's leaning.

Frank
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on June 08, 2011, 12:52:31 PM
ATC Funnies

Tower Controller: “BA356, proceed to stand 69″
BA: “Yes, Sir, Nose in or Nose out?”

United cargo jet (with female pilot): “This is my secondary radio. Is my transmission still fuzzy?
Oakland ARTCC controller: “I don’t know. I’ve never seen it.” (Earned him two weeks on the beach)”

Pilot (after a long time in a holding pattern): Tower, could we get an EFC? (Translation: how much longer?)
Tower: Indefinite.
Pilot: I’m pretty sure we don’t have fuel for that.

Pilot: O’Hare Tower, Bonanza X, request landing. I can land on any runway and hold short of any other runway.
Tower (with an over-full load): Roger, we request you land at Chicago Executive and hold short of O’Hare.

Tower: Airliner X, it looks like you have a baggage door open.
Airliner: Thank you for the report, but that must be our APU door that’s open for cooling.
Tower: Airliner X, you have luggage falling out of your APU door.

Lost Student Pilot: Tower, Cessna X, Requesting help determining my location, I’m lost.
Tower: Can you fly over any identifiable man made objects like a highway or water tower?
Pilot: Affirmative, I just flew by a water tower, but all it said was “Class of ’09.”

Denver Tower: Gulfstream X, You’re cleared to 9,000 feet. For a vector to Hector, contact the sector director.

Tower: Airliner 757 vectored 310 at 145 knots behind traffic.
Pilot: Roger that, 310 at 145 to clean out the stall horn.

Approach: Airliner Heavy, report your airspeed for spacing.
Pilot: Approach, we’re really hauling ass.
Approach: Airliner Heavy, I couldn’t care less about your cargo, I need to know your airspeed.

Kids on a tour of the Tower: Have you ever had a real emergency?
Controller: There was that one time when we ran out of coffee.

Controller: Flight XYZ, can you climb to FL390?
XYZ: Standby (A few seconds pass)
XYZ: We can make it, but we’ll have to throw out a few passengers
Controller: That’s approved.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on June 15, 2011, 06:22:44 PM
A  BLONDE’S TRIP TO  ITALY

 

A young New York blonde woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean, but just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.

 

"You have so much to live for," said the man.  "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow.   I can stow you away on my ship.  I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

 

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy, the woman accepted.  That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small, but comfortable, compartment in the hold.  From that time on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn.  Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

 

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

 

"I have an arrangement with one of your sailors," she replied.  "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy."

 

"I see," said the captain.

 

Then her conscience got the best of her and she blurted out, "Plus, he's screwing me."

 

"He certainly is," replied the captain.  "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

 ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on June 16, 2011, 06:03:34 AM
Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment.
This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by
using a Q & A format:


Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ?

A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.


Q.. Where will the government get this money?

A. From taxpayers.


Q. So the government is giving me back my own
money?

A. Only a smidgen of it.


Q. What is the purpose of this payment?

A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a
high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.


Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?

A. Shut up.


Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.S. economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:



* If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China or Sri Lanka .


* If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.


* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India , Taiwan or China .



* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala ..



* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea .


* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .



* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go
to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.


Instead, keep the money in America by:


1) Spending it at yard sales, or

2) Going to ball games, or

3) Spending it on prostitutes, or

4) Beer or

5) Tattoos.


(These are the only American businesses still operating in the U.S.)
Conclusion:

Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you
met at a yard sale and drink beer all day!

No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: tundra_flier on June 16, 2011, 08:36:53 AM
Or airplane parts, most of those are still made in the US.  Explains the price.   ::cowboy::
Or better yet, flight instruction.   ::wave::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on June 16, 2011, 08:41:07 AM
Nix the Airplane Parts part.  As of June 1st, all Cessna Citation spare parts are being shipped from Toluca, Mexico.  I have no idea where they are being made, but the distribution point is now Toluca.  So even Cessna has outsourced its parts support!   ::banghead:: ::rambo::

RC
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Chopper Doc on June 25, 2011, 01:12:39 AM
Channelling Henny Youngman:

My wife has been missing for over a week now, and police have told me to prepare for the worst.  So I went to the thrift store and got all her clothes back.

A poor old lady slipped and fell on some ice today.  At least I think she was poor: she only had $5 in her purse.

My neighbour was pounding on my door last night at 3:30am; can you believe it, 3:30am?   Lucky for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.

I was explaining to my wife about reincarnation, and how after death you come back as a different creature.  When she said she'd like to return as a cow, I replied, "You're obviously not listening to me."

My girlfriend thinks I'm a stalker.  OK, she's not really my girlfriend.  Yet.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Stef on June 29, 2011, 09:59:44 AM
So my wife came up to me and said, "Take off my shirt." So I took off her shirt. Then she said, "Take off my skirt." I took off her skirt. "Take off my shoes." I took off her shoes. "Now my hose, bra, and panties." I took them off. Then she looked at me and said, "I don't want to catch you wearing my things ever again."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Stef on July 07, 2011, 09:46:40 AM
Newton, Pascal, and Einstein are playing hide-and-go-seek in heaven.

Einstein closes his eyes and starts counting.

Pascal goes and hides behind a cloud.

Newton stays where he is, and draws a 1mx1m square on the floor around him.

Einstein finishes counting and turns around.

"Ah ha, Newton! I found you!"

"No you haven't, you've found one Newton over 1m2 . . . You found Pascal."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Jupiter on July 07, 2011, 09:50:06 AM
hahaha, brilliant!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on July 07, 2011, 05:29:11 PM
....I don't get it..... ::thinking::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on July 07, 2011, 05:29:40 PM
haha! just kidding! good one! ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Stef on July 11, 2011, 07:50:29 AM
An old drunk wandered into a Catholic Church in Ireland in a zig zag fashion and disappeared into the confession booth. The priest on duty watched and when he did not appear for a while thought OK he must want to confess and went into the adjoining booth. After 10 minutes of no sound or movement he knocked on the wall, a voice replied “No use knocking here mate there is no paper on this side either.”
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Stef on July 13, 2011, 10:49:05 AM
(http://i.imgur.com/Qpzx7.jpg)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on July 13, 2011, 05:36:54 PM
This just happened to my on my flight home to LAS from ABQ.
The captain came on the PA after we arrived at the Gate early in Las Vegas and said:

Ladies and Gentlemen, I want you to go out and tell at least 3 people that Southwest Airlines got you to Las Vegas 23 minutes early.
Because I am sure if we were 23 minutes late you would tell everybody.


 ;D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Firegirl on July 14, 2011, 09:51:29 PM
Two blondes were flying to Miami from Cleveland. Fifteen minutes into the flight, the captain announced "One of the engines has failed and the flight will be an hour longer. But don't worry we have three engines left".

Thirty minutes later, the captain announced "One more engine has failed and the flight will be two hours longer. But don't worry we have two engines left".

An hour later the capain announced "One more engine has failed and the flight will be three hours longer. But don't worry we have one engine left".

One blonde looked at the other the other blonde and said "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day"

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: TheSoccerMom on July 14, 2011, 10:45:56 PM
HA HA HA, I LOVE that joke!   ::rofl::

It also reminds me of this -- why that pesky #1 engine keeps shutting down....

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on July 16, 2011, 05:12:01 AM
So...those who know me....know my significant other got a letter the other day......she insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, she is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday she received the following letter from the local Target.

Dear Ms. G-woman,

Over the past six months, your man has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your man, G-man are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9.September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11.October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13.October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but certainly not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on July 16, 2011, 03:37:51 PM
the first one and the last one have "G-Man" written all over it!  ;)

the whole thing reminded me about the fires in San Diego where you guys told every waitress in every restaurant we went for dinner EVERY night that it was my birthday just to see what each restaurant did.....
(kinda funny now, but back then I really hated it)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on July 16, 2011, 05:24:04 PM
the first one and the last one have "G-Man" written all over it!  ;)

the whole thing reminded me about the fires in San Diego where you guys told every waitress in every restaurant we went for dinner EVERY night that it was my birthday just to see what each restaurant did.....
(kinda funny now, but back then I really hated it)

Ha....I remember that now.... Gotta have fun on contract. Me and Pat often go and "test ride" the bicycles in Walmart. We even bought some in Michigan a few years back, rode them around town and then returned them on the 30 no questions asked return policy....
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Stef on August 15, 2011, 10:18:20 AM
Dear Hiring Manager,

Thank you  for your letter of March 1.  After careful consideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me a position in your department.

This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters.  With such a varied and promising field of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.

Despite your companies outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at this time.  Therefore, I will assume the position in your department this August.

I look forward to seeing you then.

Best of luck in rejecting future applicants.

Sincerely,
Interviewee
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: chuckar101 on August 15, 2011, 05:14:18 PM
nice pic, looks like a p3.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on August 22, 2011, 02:07:25 PM
The African Union today adopted a unilateral resolution to deploy army troops and care packages to England as looting and violence spread from London to other major cities. Spokesperson Charity Khumalo said “We can no longer stand by while these savages tear themselves apart.”

The AU, meeting today in an emergency session to discuss the on-going rioting in the UK, has declared that they will do “everything in their power to help bring civilisation to England”.

“It’s just so sad, you know?” said Khumalo, speaking from the organisation’s HQ in Addis Ababa. “Sitting here and watching them on TV while their society implodes. We cannot in good conscience remain idle and let it happen.”

The AU has announced a range of initiatives that Africans can get involved with to help alleviate the misery of the English.
“For instance, we have launched an ‘Adopt an English child’ programme,” Khumalo explained, showing journalists brochures featuring the faces of English kids. “If you donate a mere R50 a month, you can see to it that sweet little Johnny from Peckham receives a basic education, a pack of condoms and a pair of pimpin’ Nikes.”

Khumalo also said that the AU would be parachuting in dentists along with army troops as part of a ‘Feel better about yourselves, Brits!’ initiative.

“You can understand why they’re turning on each other,” the spokesperson told journalists. “You look in the mirror and you see teeth untouched by modern dentistry. It’s heart-breaking enough to make anyone put a brick through a Starbucks.”

The organization also plans to air-drop care packages on major UK cities.

“Vegetables, mainly,” Khumalo confirmed. “We’re sending them vegetables and toothpaste.”

The AU’s flagship event, however, will be a star-studded rock concert to be held in Johannesburg, with all proceeds going towards the establishment of mobile libraries around the UK. Artists ranging from Mafikizolo to Steve Hofmeyer have pledged to perform at the show.

“As a humanitarian, it’s the least I can do,” Hofmeyer said yesterday. “I look at those photos of the adorable little beasts knifing each other in fights over looted X-Boxes and I want to hug them and give them a nice hot cup of Milo.”

Meanwhile, the week’s events has seen terrified South Africans, Nigerians , Ugandans, Kenyans & Somali’s in London and Manchester packing their bags for home.

“This country is going to the dogs, dude,” said Werner du Preez, a gap-year student from Johannesburg. “I’ve been offered a nice little two-bed place in Hillbrow where I can feel safe again.”

The British Prime Minister, David Cameron, would neither confirm or deny that 5000 heavily armed AU Peace Keepers were right now en - route from Mogadishu to London by air to the UK, after decisively defeated the El – Shabab insurgents in recent days.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Oddball on August 22, 2011, 03:16:51 PM
 ::bow:: ::rofl::  Loved it G-Man  ;D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on August 23, 2011, 06:29:06 PM
Ouch!  Sad but very appropos.   ::)

RC
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Stef on August 25, 2011, 10:27:52 AM
Did you hear about Apple?

Apparently they're losing Jobs too.

Okay, here's another one:

Steve Jobs' text was meant to say "I reign as CEO of Apple." Curse you, auto correct!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on August 27, 2011, 12:24:24 AM
A dying granny tells her granddaughter, "I want to leave you my farm. That includes the villa, the tractor and other equipment, the farmhouse and $22,398,750.78 in cash." The granddaughter, about to be rich, says, "Oh my granny, you are so generous. I didn't even know you had a farm. Where is it?"
With her last breath, her granny whispered, "Facebook.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Stef on August 27, 2011, 11:53:56 AM
An old man was eating in a dinner one night when 3 bikers walked in.

The first biker approached the old man, threw his cigarette into the old man's food, and took a seat at the counter.

Then, the second biker walked over to the old man, spit into his glass of milk, and took a seat at the counter.

Finally, the third biker knocked the old man's plate of food into his lap, and took a seat at the counter.

Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers commented to the waitress, "Not much of a man, is he?"

The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on August 29, 2011, 03:18:13 AM
Stef, please don't ever repeat that story again!  I don't want to be prosecuted by them damn bikers!   ::drinking::

RC
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Stef on September 03, 2011, 02:07:18 PM
Don't worry, RC! My lips are sealed!

Now here come a couple of mediocre puns:

The first time I saw a dry-erase board I thought to myself "that's remarkable!"

Why is James Joyce so good at poker? Cause he is impossible to read.

My wife kicked me out so I've been living in a telephone box. I just wanted somewhere to call home.

Why do cigarette lighters float on water? Because it's lighter fluid.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Turbomallard on September 04, 2011, 04:41:01 AM
Chuck, is that you? (Caution-- language)


http://youtu.be/TzFtunP1ytc

http://youtu.be/8esS3h4hoAk

TM
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Stef on September 06, 2011, 12:03:35 PM
Ah... not bad! Too long to turn into a comic strip though!  ::)

(Gotta go look somewhere else to steal...)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on September 06, 2011, 03:40:15 PM
In the wake of Bin Laden's death, radical Muslims are planning to go on a rampage in Los Angeles, killing anyone who is a legal U.S. citizen.

Police fear the death toll could be as high as 23.

We will keep you posted on future developments.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: chuckar101 on September 07, 2011, 05:18:19 PM
In the wake of Bin Laden's death, radical Muslims are planning to go on a rampage in Los Angeles, killing anyone who is a legal U.S. citizen.

Police fear the death toll could be as high as 23.

We will keep you posted on future developments.
Wow I wouldnt expect to be even that high.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Stef on September 10, 2011, 12:05:41 PM
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Stef on September 15, 2011, 11:27:43 AM
Time to get a bit racist in here..

(http://funnygif.net/wp-content/uploads/2011/03/azn-supplies.gif)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Stef on September 15, 2011, 06:32:19 PM
What time does Sean Connery arrive at Wimbledon?

Tennish.


How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb?

Just Juan.


What is red and bad for your teeth?

A brick.


Do you know how much cocaine charlie sheen did last year?

Enough to kill 2 and 1/2 men.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on September 18, 2011, 09:00:51 PM
At a recent wedding party someone yelled, "All married men, please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth  living."

The bartender was crushed to death.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Stef on September 24, 2011, 03:17:06 PM
A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this, they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, he encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they arrived home, the postman was dead on their porch.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Stef on September 25, 2011, 11:55:37 AM
Why did the scarecrow get a raise?

Because he was outstanding in his field.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on September 27, 2011, 11:23:38 PM

Drafting Guys Over 60

This is funny & obviously written by a Former Soldier...

New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60!




I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to
track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to
join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards.
Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take
us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit
until you're at least 35.
For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about
sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about
sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000
additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a
cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for awhile..
An 18-year-old doesn't even liketo get up before 10am . Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.
If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number
would be a real brainteaser.
Boot camp would be easier for old guys.. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course however... I've
been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.
Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too... I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still
learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl.
He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to
shade his eyes, not the back of his head.
These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.
Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons, who know that their best years are already behind them.
HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50...in menopause!!!
You think MEN have attitudes??
Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!! If nothing else, put them on
border patrol. They'll have it secured the first night!





 

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Ragwing on September 30, 2011, 01:03:09 PM
Drafting Guys Over 60
(http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/thumb/e/e4/OldMansWar%281stEd%29.jpg/200px-OldMansWar%281stEd%29.jpg)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Stef on October 01, 2011, 11:09:20 AM
A new CEO takes over at a struggling company and decides to get rid of all the slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning against a wall. He can't believe this guy would just stand around on the job. The new CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "What are you doing here?"

"I'm just waiting to get paid," responds the man.

Furious, the CEO asks: "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young fellow replies: "I make about $300 a week. Why?"

The CEO quickly gets out his checkbook, hands the guy a check made out to cash for $1,200 and says: "Here's four weeks' pay. Now get out and don't come back."

The man puts the check in his pocket and promptly walks out.

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looks around the room and asks: "Does anyone want to tell me what just happened here?"

From across the room comes a voice: "Yeah, you just tipped the pizza delivery guy $1,200."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on October 04, 2011, 10:25:20 PM
After much research and debate, Psychologists have managed to publish an abridged book of Understanding women.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on October 04, 2011, 11:02:17 PM
After much research and debate, Psychologists have managed to publish an abridged book of Understanding women.

And that is the Condensed version!  Hehe.   ::drinking::

RC
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: YawningMan on October 05, 2011, 01:39:35 AM
That section he's holding in his hands so far?

Table of Contents.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Stef on October 24, 2011, 09:14:15 AM
How to build your own model helicopter:

(http://i.imgur.com/OLfSb.jpg)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on October 25, 2011, 12:09:33 AM
How to build your own model helicopter:



Golden!!  ::rofl:: ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Oddball on October 25, 2011, 03:52:34 PM
Only thing missing is the model getting stuck to a body part  ;D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Stef on October 29, 2011, 09:54:12 AM
I wish I could tell a good chemistry joke...

but all the good ones argon.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Franz on October 31, 2011, 07:48:30 AM
Don't bother telling chemistry jokes. I did that once but no reaction
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on November 01, 2011, 03:25:23 AM
I bet I've got a joke you've never xenon here before.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on November 01, 2011, 05:21:53 AM
How come dracula didn't have children?

 Because he has a halloweenie   ::drinking::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on November 15, 2011, 10:38:10 PM
A Chinese guy goes to a Jew to buy black bras, size 38. The Jew, known for his skills as a businessman, says that black bras are rare and that he is finding it very difficult to buy them from his suppliers. Therefore he has to charge £50.00 for them.

The Chinese guy buys 25.

He returns a few days later and this time orders fifty.

The Jew tells him that they have become even harder to get and charges him £60.00 each.

The Chinese guy returns a month later and buys the Jews remaining stock of 50, and this time for £75.00 each.

The Jew is somewhat puzzled by the large demand for black size 38 bras and asks the Chinese guy, "...please tell me - What do you do with all these black bras?"

The Chinese guy answers: "I cut them in half and sell them as skull caps to you Jews for £200.00 each."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on November 16, 2011, 01:14:48 AM
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values.
Bill said, 'I did not sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'
Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'

___________________________________________


'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week.'

‘That is very fair, your honour,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'

___________________________________________

A doctor was examining a woman who had been rushed into the Emergency Room. He took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'

'Me neither, doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'

___________________________________________

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'

The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'

___________________________________________

Two Reasons why it is so hard To Solve a Redneck Murder:

1. The DNA all matches.

2. There are no dental records.

___________________________________________

    Moe:  'My wife got me to believe in religion.'

    Joe; 'Really?'

    Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'

    ______________________________________________________________________________________

    Ask about how her husband was. The women started by saying; while shopping for vacation clothes the other day, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.

    'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'

    'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'

    He is still in intensive care.

    ___________________________________________

    The graveside service just barely  finished, when there was a massive clap of  thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of  lightning, accompanied by even more thunder  rumbling in the distance...

    The little old  man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well,  she's there.'

             
             
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Oddball on November 22, 2011, 05:27:18 PM
CHRISTMAS CAKE RECIPE.

Ingredients:

* 2 cups flour
* 1 stick butter
* 1 cup of water
* 1 tsp baking soda
* 1 cup of sugar
* 1 tsp salt
* 1 cup of brown sugar
* Lemon juice
* 4 large eggs
* Nuts
* 2 bottle wine
* 2 cups of dried fruit

Sample the wine to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the wine again. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point it's best to make sure the wine is still OK. Try another cup...
Just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 eggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

Pick the frigging fruit up off floor. Mix on the turner.. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the wine to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Check the wine. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or some fink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner.
Finally, throw the bowl through the window. Finish the wine and wipe counter with the cat.
Go to Tesco and buy cake.

Bingle Jells!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on November 22, 2011, 10:24:43 PM
I'm passing this on because it worked for me today... Dr Oz on TV said that to reach inner peace we should always finish things we start, and we all could use more calm in our lives. I looked around my house to find things I'd started and hadn't finished, so I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminun scriptins, an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how fablus I feel rite now. Sned this to all who need inner piss. An telum u luvum. Wuv U gies !
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on November 23, 2011, 02:28:51 AM
Amazing Amish Christmas Lights
I know it's not the season yet, but these are amazing!
Scroll down to see the Amish Christmas lights.





















(http://i76.photobucket.com/albums/j35/helokat/caption%20pics/Untitledattachment00189.jpg)

You know very well that the Amish don't use electricity. Messing  with you people is so easy... ::rofl:: ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: ViverGulia on November 25, 2011, 11:11:44 PM
Here is a music joke, but every time I tell it it somehow turns into a sports joke but anyway...

An orchestra is performing in a bar. They are playing the whole Beethoven's 9th symphony. There is a long section near the end when the basses don't play, so the bass players decide to get a few drinks.  ::drinking::  Pretty soon, the conductor of the orchestra has a problem: it's the bottom of the 9th, and the basses are loaded.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on November 28, 2011, 06:59:17 PM
almost not funny, because it's true......
(and probably the reason why nobody has built a new aircraft in the States in ages)   




NOAH in 2011    


In the year 2011 , the Lord came unto Noah and said:
Once again the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.

Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing
along with a few good humans.

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying:
You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start
the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.


- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.
Noah! He roared, I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark ?
Forgive me, Lord, begged Noah, 'but things have changed.



I needed a building permit.

 
I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler  system.


My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard, and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.


Then, the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark 's move to the sea.
I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.


Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl.

I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!


When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They
argued that accommodations were too restrictive, and that it is cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.


Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.


I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.


Immigration is checking the status of most of the people who want to work.


The Trades Unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.


To make matters worse, they seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.


So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark.





Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a double rainbow stretched across the sky..

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, 'You mean you're not going to destroy the world?'



'No,' said the Lord.
The government beat me to it.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Kilrah on November 28, 2011, 07:08:40 PM
Sad but very true... and I can tell you that's not only valid in the States :(
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on December 03, 2011, 10:35:03 PM
I was at Wal-Mart buying a bag of Purina dog chow for my dog ,
in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
Why else would I be buying dog chow, RIGHT ???
So on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog,
I was starting the Purina Diet again, and that I probably shouldn't
because I ended up ...in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds
before I awakened in intensive care, with tubes coming out of most of my
orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet
and all you do is load your pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one
or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it
works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that
practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's butt and a car hit me.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Plthijnx on December 03, 2011, 10:43:24 PM
merry christmas ya old schooler's  of the site. know i'm not around much except for the occasional joke. doing well. gave up career flying and am back in engineering but i still fly for fun!! hope everyone is doing well!!! here' s another:

Christmas carols for the disturbed
I'm not making fun by any means.....................



1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?

2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are

3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas

4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and
Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and... Trees and.....

6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me

7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm
Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look a Chicken - can
I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?

10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Stef on December 15, 2011, 12:16:33 PM
Sad but true:

(http://i.imgur.com/wUmjl.jpg)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on December 19, 2011, 11:46:18 PM
This could be Chuck if it was a plane......   ::rofl::


Letter to a men's helpline...

Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem:
I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot.
I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep.
Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.
It was at that moment crouched behind the boat that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket.

Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace the whole bracket??
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Oddball on December 19, 2011, 11:48:35 PM
I don't know Mike that's more Julio's thing?
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on December 22, 2011, 12:29:31 AM
Dead Penguins , I never knew this!

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica? Where do they go? Wonder no more ! ! ! It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

"Freeze a jolly good fellow""Freeze a jolly good fellow."
Then they kick him in the ice hole

You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you?

It's so easy to fool YOU people.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on December 24, 2011, 02:07:19 PM
1. If walking/cycling is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, and is fat.
3. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.
4. A tortoise doesn't run and does nothing, yet it lives for 450 years.
And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Stef on December 29, 2011, 12:43:42 PM
Gosh, I envy my brother! They have these kind of parties in Vegas and I wish I could go...

(http://lasvegasblog.harrahs.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/12/nye_funny_332w.jpg)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on December 30, 2011, 05:39:24 PM
they have these parties year round in Vegas, not just at new Years....
the most famous is the "Rx Hardrock" Pool Party.....

but now, another joke:

The Night Nurse

The more you think about this one, the funnier it gets.

A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 12-hour shift. Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it. When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller, and without missing a beat, she says, “Well, that's great....that's just great..........some ass hole's got my pen!”
 
 
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on December 31, 2011, 12:18:30 AM
A physician told this story about her then four-year-old daughter. On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it.

"Be still, my heart", thought the doctor, "my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!"

Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Stef on December 31, 2011, 12:04:26 PM
A physician told this story about her then four-year-old daughter. On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it.

"Be still, my heart", thought the doctor, "my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!"

Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"

It's sad how common this is!! I remember, years ago, when Mike, I and some extended family (including a few young kids) were shown around a fire station. When they let the kids sit in the fire truck and put on the headsets, the first thing this one little girl said was "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?" ...

--------------------

But on to some more serious stuff. Some advice on life:


Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

When everything seems to be coming your way, maybe you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not being smart enough to be lazy.

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Stef on January 03, 2012, 11:38:24 AM
A guy goes to the doctor, with a carrot up his nose. He's got a piece of celery in his other nostril, and a banana in his ear.

He says,"Doc, I don't feel so good."

The doctor says,"You're not eating right."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Stef on January 04, 2012, 11:26:58 PM
Watched the whole thing (although I don't like techno):

http://z0r.de/L/z0r-de_3714.swf (http://z0r.de/L/z0r-de_3714.swf)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Stef on January 04, 2012, 11:31:54 PM
(http://i.imgur.com/YOMYe.jpg)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on January 06, 2012, 11:05:33 PM
 :D :D

http://www.buzzfeed.com/burnred/the-25-funniest-autocorrects-of-2011-281t
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Kilrah on January 07, 2012, 09:30:15 AM
Same kind, I check it every day:
http://www.damnyouautocorrect.com/

Be careful though, I won't be held responsible for any dying of laughter :D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on January 07, 2012, 02:54:27 PM
George was out shopping at the mall when he met his friend Kevin outside the jewellers.   Kevin noticed that George had a small gift-wrapped box in his hand.

So what'd you just picked up, George?" Kevin asks.

Well, now that you've been asking, replies George, it's me and the missus' anniversary tomorrow. And when I asked her this morning what she wanted for our special day she said, Oh, I don't know dear, just give me something with a lot of diamonds.

"So what'd you get her?" Kevin asks.


George replied,  "I bought her a deck of cards."


Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Stef on January 10, 2012, 11:53:21 AM
A bear walks into a bar. The bartender asks him "What can I get for ya?" The bear says, " I'll take a ............... Beer." Bartender asks, "What's up with the pause?" The bear lifts up his arms to the bartenders face and says, " These old things?" "I've had'em for years!!!"




U2 guitarist The Edge walks into a bar and says to the bartender "I'll ......................................... have a pint of Guinness."

The bartender replies "What's with all the delay?"
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Stef on January 14, 2012, 12:32:56 PM
A bum asks a man for $2.

The man asked, “Will you buy booze?”

The bum said “No.”

The man asked, “Will you gamble it away?”

The bum said, “No.”

Then the man asked, “Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn’t drink or gamble?”
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Stef on January 14, 2012, 12:52:46 PM
Seems legit:

(http://i.imgur.com/pI2qj.jpg)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on January 14, 2012, 05:17:45 PM
Same kind, I check it every day:
http://www.damnyouautocorrect.com/

Be careful though, I won't be held responsible for any dying of laughter :D

Damn near died of laughter once I read this one:
Quote
My Grandma is crazy she is trying to get me to go bunghole jumping with her lol

I'm still trying to pick myself up off the floor...    ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on January 14, 2012, 11:31:31 PM
Same kind, I check it every day:
http://www.damnyouautocorrect.com/

Be careful though, I won't be held responsible for any dying of laughter :D

Damn near died of laughter once I read this one:
Quote
My Grandma is crazy she is trying to get me to go bunghole jumping with her lol

I'm still trying to pick myself up off the floor...    ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl::

I couldn't stop laughing about the Doctor Hitler one!!! ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Stef on January 16, 2012, 10:03:49 AM
These here are great... http://imgur.com/a/PqBbz (http://imgur.com/a/PqBbz)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Stef on January 17, 2012, 12:01:48 PM
How do you find Will Smith after a snowstorm?

Just look for the fresh prints.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Stef on January 30, 2012, 10:46:09 AM
This one is for Oddball:

An Arab Sheik was admitted to St Vincent ’s Hospital for heart surgery. Prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his blood in case the need arose. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn’t be found locally, so, the call went out to all the states. Finally a Scottish pilot was located who had a similar blood type. The pilot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.

After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, Diamonds & US dollars. A couple of weeks later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the Scottish pilot who was more than happy to donate his blood again. After the second surgery, the Arab sent the pilot a thank-you card & a jar of candies.

The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab this time did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated.

He phoned the Arab & asked him: “I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me a BMW, diamonds & money... But you only gave me a thank-you card & a jar of candies”.

To this the Arab replied: “Aye, but I now have Scottish blood in my veins”.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Oddball on January 31, 2012, 11:24:55 PM
Hey what are you trying to say?  ::loony:: ::complaining:   ;D :D ::bow::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on February 19, 2012, 10:00:15 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on February 20, 2012, 11:45:35 PM
Retirement Dinner
   
A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.  A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.

However, he was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited: 'I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here.  I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister.   I was appalled.
   
As the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.'...
   
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late.  He immediately began to make the presentation and  gave his talk:
   
'I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived,' said the politician. 'In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.'




Moral :  Never,   Never,  Never Be Late!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Stef on February 23, 2012, 03:46:06 PM
An Irish boy goes to confess at church.

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose Woman."

The Priest asks, "Is that you, little Timmy Shaughnessy?" "Yes, Father, it is. "

"And, who was the woman you were with," asked the Priest. "

"I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Timmy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Patricia Kelly?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Sheilah O'Brien?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Kathleen Morgan?"

"My lips are sealed. "

"Was it Fiona Grogan, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The Priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast Lad, Timmy ...And, I admire that. But, you have sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend Church Mass for three months. Be off with you now. "

Timmy walks back to his pew. His Friend, Sean, slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Three month's vacation and five good leads."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Oddball on March 29, 2012, 08:48:04 PM

OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!   
 

An 85-year-old man was  requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as  part of his physical
exam.

The doctor gave  the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a  semen sample tomorrow.' 

The  next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and  gave him the jar,

which was as clean and empty  as on the  previous day.   

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's  like this -- first I tried

with my right hand, but  nothing.  Then I tried with my left hand, but still  nothing. 

'Then I asked my wife for help.  She  tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. 

She tried with her mouth,  first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still  nothing. 

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an

armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still  nothing..'

The doctor was shocked!

'You asked your  neighbor?'   

The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get  the jar open.'

 
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Stef on April 12, 2012, 02:11:45 PM
A lovely engaged catholic couple are driving on a country road together one day, when the car veers off the road and into a ravine. They both die upon impact. They reach the pearly gates together and when they see St. Peter they ask, "St. Peter, we are so SAD! We are Catholic and were engaged in life and now we're dead. Since this is Heaven, is there any way we can be married here?" St. Peter thinks and says, "You know, that's a good question. But you'll have to wait here while I check to make sure." So St. Peter enters the gates to find the answer. Well, he's gone for quite a while, and the couple get to talking. "You know, marriage in Heaven isn't like marriage on Earth. There IS not DEATH do us part. This is eternal and that's a hella long time." So after this very long absence, St. Peter returns. He says, "Got your answer and good news! Yes! You can be married in Heaven." So then the couple asks, "What if it doesn't work out? Can we get divorced?" St. Peter looks at them and says, "Are you KIDDING ME?!? You SAW how long it took me to find a PRIEST up here. Now you want me to try to find a LAWYER?!?"
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Stef on April 17, 2012, 10:45:36 AM
A man was exploring the African jungle and came upon a tribe of natives, their presence underscored by the distinctive and monotonous beating of drums. The man spoke with the tribe and they allowed him to stay with them and sleep on their grounds.

The first night, the man didn't sleep a wink due to the ongoing drumming so he spoke to the chief. "Chief, I got no sleep last night. Could you maybe stop the drumming for a night so I could rest."

The chief replied, "The drums must not stop."

The man figured it was their culture and focused on enjoying the day, studying and spending time with the tribe.

That night, the drums again kept the man awake for the whole night and in the morning he spoke with the chief. "Chief, please! I need some sleep; couldn't the drums cease for just one night for my health?"

The chief replied, "The drums must not stop."

The man, exacerbated, let the issue drop and tried to focus on the day at hand, but could not focus due to lack of sleep and the incessant pounding of the drums.

That night, the beating of the drums left the man sleepless yet again in the morning he angrily approached the chief. "Chief, I've just about had it. The drums must stop; it is impossible to get and rest with them."

The chief replied, "The drums must not stop."

"Why! Why can the drums not stop? What happens when the drums stop?!"

The chief replied, "Bass solo."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on April 23, 2012, 05:03:06 PM
Stef, I noticed that the last joke I wrote disappeared. Sorry if it was too much "expressive"!  :-[
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Fabo on April 23, 2012, 05:15:30 PM
Happy, it is down in the "Fire Flyers" section... no worries  |:)\
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Stef on April 23, 2012, 10:37:00 PM
Hahaha! Happy is going at it with her naughty jokes again!  ;D Good to have you back!  ::cowboy::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Stef on May 14, 2012, 11:02:59 AM
Three men meet each other in a Soviet prison. They ask each other why they are in here. The first says 'I was always 5 minutes late for work, so I was accused of sabotage' The second says 'I was always 5 minutes early for work, so I was accused of espionage' But the third says 'I was always on time for work, so I was accused of having a Western watch'

----------------------

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling. The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, “Can you all see me now?”

“Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”

-----------------------

How does a Chinese chef get to work?

He woks.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on May 15, 2012, 08:43:32 PM
Three men meet each other in a Soviet prison. They ask each other why they are in here. The first says 'I was always 5 minutes late for work, so I was accused of sabotage' The second says 'I was always 5 minutes early for work, so I was accused of espionage' But the third says 'I was always on time for work, so I was accused of having a Western watch'


  ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rambo:: ::rambo::
Really good one Stef! :) I love it!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Stef on June 04, 2012, 03:24:27 PM
Alasdair, a fan of ours, made this and posted it on facebook. Thought I'd share it in here too!  ;D  |:)\

(http://a8.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/179772_4134999657489_1295724642_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Fabo on June 04, 2012, 06:45:55 PM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-snc7/393575_311524658875626_361536252_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on June 05, 2012, 12:07:09 AM
That's a good one, Fabo!

There were times where my budget didn't even allow me to fly the ride Chuck is in on Alsdair's poster . . .   ::sick::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on June 07, 2012, 04:20:42 AM
During my last physical, my new doctor asked me about my daily activity level, and so I described a typical day this way:
 
"Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake and took four "leaks" behind big trees."
 
Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoors man!"
 
"No," I replied, "I'm just a shitty golfer."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on June 16, 2012, 05:22:06 PM
A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO , WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN. 



THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.



SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.



THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."


THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN
ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.

THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.
                                                             
THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.



THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."

HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.

"I TOLD HER, "FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO.”

 ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl::


RC
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on June 16, 2012, 09:37:03 PM
The robot...

 
 
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps you when you lie.

He decides to test it out on his son at supper. "Where were you last night?"

"I was at the library."

The robot slaps the son.

"OK I was at a friend's house," the son admits.

"Doing what?" asked the father.

"Watching a movie: Toy Story."

The robot slaps the son.

"OK it was porn!" cried the son.

Father yells "What? When I was your age I didn't know what porn was!"

The robot slaps the father.

The mother laughs and says, "He certainly is your son!"

The robot slaps the mother.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Stef on June 26, 2012, 05:27:09 PM
A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said,"Hi. You know... I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job." The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.

You'll drive his 2011 Mercedes-Benz CL and he will supply all of your clothes. "Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say, but you will also as part of your job description have to satisfy her sexual urges. The daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive." The guy in wide-eyed amazement said, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker said: "Yeah, well... You started it".
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on June 28, 2012, 05:29:47 PM
> Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working
> in the family business.
>
> When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his
> sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share
> his fortune.
>
> One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most
> beautiful woman he had ever seen.
> Her natural beauty took his breath away. 'I may look like just
> an ordinary man,' he said to her, but in just a few years, my father
> will die, and I'll inherit $20 million.'
>
> Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days
> later, she became his stepmother.
>
> Women are so much better at financial planning than men...
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on June 29, 2012, 12:41:40 AM

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time.

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.

"He's a funeral director," she answered.

"Interesting," the newsman thought.

He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those
years.

After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

(wait for it)

She smiled and explained, "I married
one for the money,
two for the show,
three to get ready,
and four to go."

Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: happylanding on July 03, 2012, 08:07:23 PM
The robot...

 
 
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps you when you lie.

He decides to test it out on his son at supper. "Where were you last night?"

"I was at the library."

The robot slaps the son.

"OK I was at a friend's house," the son admits.

"Doing what?" asked the father.

"Watching a movie: Toy Story."

The robot slaps the son.

"OK it was porn!" cried the son.

Father yells "What? When I was your age I didn't know what porn was!"

The robot slaps the father.

The mother laughs and says, "He certainly is your son!"

The robot slaps the mother.


It's much better not to know the truth sometimes!!!! ;D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Stef on July 10, 2012, 10:15:00 AM
Two guys are walking down a dark alley, when they get mugged by a couple of thugs who demand their money.

They both grudgingly pull our their wallets and begin taking out their cash.

Just then, one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. "Hey, here's that twenty dollars I owe you."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Jupiter on July 24, 2012, 07:08:20 AM
Just ran into this yesterday. http://richardwiseman.files.wordpress.com/2011/09/jokes1.pdf
Quite the collection :P
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on August 27, 2012, 05:10:14 PM
A young ventriloquist is touring Norway and, one night, he's doing a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Norwegian blonde women that way? What does the colour of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? Its men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all Blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, pathetically all in the name of humour!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells: "You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little shit on your lap."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on September 03, 2012, 06:49:40 PM
can't verify that it's really true but it's a great story about a great man.....

Subject: Neil Armstrong
ON JULY 20, 1969, AS COMMANDER OF THE APOLLO 11 LUNAR MODULE, NEIL
ARMSTRONG WAS THE FIRST PERSON TO SET FOOT ON THE MOON.

HIS FIRST WORDS AFTER STEPPING ON THE MOON, "THAT'S ONE SMALL STEP FOR
MAN, ONE GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND," WERE TELEVISED TO EARTH AND HEARD BY
MILLIONS.

BUT JUST BEFORE HE RE-ENTERED THE LANDER, HE MADE THE ENIGMATIC REMARK
"GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY."

MANY PEOPLE AT NASA THOUGH IT WAS A CASUAL REMARK CONCERNING SOME
RIVAL SOVIET COSMONAUT.

HOWEVER, UPON CHECKING, THERE WAS NO GORSKY IN EITHER THE RUSSIAN OR
AMERICAN SPACE PROGRAMS.

OVER THE YEARS MANY PEOPLE QUESTIONED ARMSTRONG AS TO WHAT THE "GOOD
LUCK, MR. GORSKY" STATEMENT MEANT, BUT ARMSTRONG ALWAYS JUST SMILED.

ON JULY 5, 1995, IN  TAMPA BAY ,  FLORIDA WHILE ANSWERING QUESTIONS
FOLLOWING A SPEECH, A REPORTER BROUGHT UP THE 26-YEAR-OLD QUESTION TO
ARMSTRONG.

THIS TIME HE FINALLY RESPONDED. MR. GORSKY HAD DIED, SO NEIL ARMSTRONG
FELT HE COULD NOW ANSWER THE QUESTION.

IN 1938, WHEN HE WAS A KID IN A  SMALL  MID-WEST  TOWN , HE WAS
PLAYING BASEBALL WITH A FRIEND IN THE BACKYARD.

HIS FRIEND HIT THE BALL, WHICH LANDED IN HIS NEIGHBOUR'S YARD BY THEIR
BEDROOM WINDOW. HIS NEIGHBOURS WERE MR. AND MRS.. GORSKY.

AS HE LEANED DOWN TO PICK UP THE BALL, YOUNG ARMSTRONG HEARD MRS.
GORSKY SHOUTING AT MR. GORSKY:

"SEX! YOU WANT SEX?!  YOU'LL GET SEX WHEN THE KID NEXT DOOR WALKS ON THE MOON!"


TRUE STORY........
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on September 03, 2012, 11:17:14 PM
That's a good one, Mike!  However, the timing of the joke makes me question the truthfulness of the story.  I've never heard this story before today, and if it really were true I think it would have been passed around the internet long ago.

Still funny enough that I'm going to pass it around a bit...   ::drinking::

RC
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Stef on September 04, 2012, 10:29:56 AM
Two little kids were arguing over who's dad has a better job. First kid says,"My dads a doctor." Second kis say,"Yeah well my dad's lawyer." Astonished the first kid says," Honest?" The second kid replied "No, the usual kind."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Fabo on September 04, 2012, 04:03:49 PM
That's a good one, Mike!  However, the timing of the joke makes me question the truthfulness of the story.  I've never heard this story before today, and if it really were true I think it would have been passed around the internet long ago.

Still funny enough that I'm going to pass it around a bit...   ::drinking::

RC

It has been around for ages, at least since 1995. It did get a lot of circulation following recent unfortunate events. But I am off-topic here...
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on September 04, 2012, 04:57:08 PM
That's a good one, Mike!  However, the timing of the joke makes me question the truthfulness of the story.  I've never heard this story before today, and if it really were true I think it would have been passed around the internet long ago.

Still funny enough that I'm going to pass it around a bit...   ::drinking::

RC

It has been around for ages, at least since 1995. It did get a lot of circulation following recent unfortunate events. But I am off-topic here...

I thought it was around before also. Where would we find the facts?
I'd be kinda interesting to know....
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Fabo on September 04, 2012, 09:08:06 PM
Where would we find the facts?
I'd be kinda interesting to know....

snopes.com is almost always a very reputable source for similar internet stories credibility.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: cotejy on September 05, 2012, 01:32:18 PM
Where would we find the facts?
I'd be kinda interesting to know....

snopes.com is almost always a very reputable source for similar internet stories credibility.

And here is the link for Armstrong story  http://www.snopes.com/quotes/mrgorsky.asp (http://www.snopes.com/quotes/mrgorsky.asp)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Stef on September 13, 2012, 10:10:06 AM
What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?
Dr. Dre

-----

If you pour root beer into a square cup, does it become beer?

-----

A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

-----

Why did the scarecrow win an award?
He was outstanding in his field.

-----

What time does Sean Connery arrive at Wimbledon?
Tennish

 ;D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on September 17, 2012, 10:02:50 PM
During my last physical, my new doctor asked me about my daily activity level, and so I described a typical day this way:
 
"Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake and took four "leaks" behind big trees."
 
Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoors man!"
 
"No," I replied, "I'm just a shitty golfer."

 ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on September 19, 2012, 09:40:33 PM
Why didn't the rooster cross the road with the chicken?
Cause the chicken kicked it in the nuts.   ::knockedout::


Hey I'm tired!  ::loony::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Stef on October 02, 2012, 10:26:41 AM
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English". In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away. By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru. Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.


(As a citizen of the EU, it took me a while to recognize this as a joke, considering all the other laws and regulations they passed...)  ::whistle::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Oddball on October 02, 2012, 06:00:11 PM
Thanks Stef started to sound like Dr Stranglove while reading that.  ::banghead::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Stef on October 02, 2012, 06:27:52 PM
Haha! Dr. Strangelove! What a great movie! "Gentlemen, you can't fight in here! This is the War Room!!"  ::rofl::
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Oddball on October 02, 2012, 06:48:00 PM
"Mr President we can not allow a mine shaft gap!"
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on October 02, 2012, 07:52:35 PM
A lesson?

 
A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"

The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."

The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned," Then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.

"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

MORAL: Make sure you understand the question before offering the answer .
 
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on October 02, 2012, 11:42:31 PM

My girlfriend left a note on the fridge,
"It's not working! I can't take it anymore.
I am going to my moms place."

I opened the fridge.
The light came one. The beer was cold....

What the hell is she talking about? ? ?
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Fabo on October 06, 2012, 09:47:46 PM
This is funny AND educational!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Stef on October 16, 2012, 10:15:05 AM
It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens Center.

Claude the hypnotist explained: "I'm here to put you into a trance. I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.

"I want each of you to keep your eyes on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.

A hundred pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch until, suddenly, the chain broke, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"SHIT!" said the hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Citizens Center and Claude was never invited back.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: FlyboyGil on October 18, 2012, 06:57:39 PM
When I see a cute couple making out, I yell "I knew you were seeing somebody else!" and run away crying.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Busdriver on October 24, 2012, 08:05:06 AM
Just read this in another forum:

Quote
I told my Dad I wanted to be a pilot when I grew up. He said - Son, you can't do both.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on October 24, 2012, 04:04:04 PM
Just read this in another forum:

Quote
I told my Dad I wanted to be a pilot when I grew up. He said - Son, you can't do both.

This is great! a classic!
might have been partially behind the inspiration of strip one / page one, in our latest book  ;)

http://shopusa.chickenwingscomics.com/product/chicken-wings-4-gold-rush (http://shopusa.chickenwingscomics.com/product/chicken-wings-4-gold-rush)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Rooster Cruiser on October 24, 2012, 06:09:55 PM
Just read this in another forum:

Quote
I told my Dad I wanted to be a pilot when I grew up. He said - Son, you can't do both.

I just posted that to my Facebook page!  Hehe.  Thanks for the inspiration, Bus!

Mike you are correct...  its a classic!

RC
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Stef on October 27, 2012, 01:51:27 PM
I was wondering why that frisbee was getting bigger.

And then it hit me.

---

Why didn't the skeleton go to the party?

It had no body to go with.

---

Why didn't the skeleton ask their crush to the party?

It didn't have the guts to do it.

---

A photon walks into a hotel. The bellhop asks if he needs help with his bags. The photon says, "no, I'm travelling light. "
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on November 08, 2012, 10:25:36 PM
A drunk woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi at Fortitude Valley in Brisbane , Australia .
 
The Indian driver opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the Cab.

"What's wrong with you Luv, haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

"I'll not be staring at you lady, I am telling you, that would not be  proper, where I am coming from..."

"Well, if you're not bloody staring at me Luvie, what are you doing then?"

"Well, I am looking and looking, and I am thinking and thinking to myself, where is this lady keeping the money to be paying me?"   
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Stef on November 16, 2012, 02:20:31 PM
Time for some wordplays...

A will is a dead giveaway.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.

If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.

Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.

She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Stef on November 30, 2012, 11:55:13 AM
The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.

KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you, the old Muslim woman says."You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,

"I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago!!!!"
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Stef on January 19, 2013, 11:25:41 AM
A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked; “Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?”

The rabbi responded, “Yes, that is still one of our laws.”

The priest then asked, “Have you ever eaten pork?”

To which the rabbi replied, “Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.”

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, “Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?”

The priest replied, “Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith”

The rabbi then asked him, “Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?”

The priest replied, “Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my Faith.”

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, and sat thinking, for about five minutes.

Finally, the rabbi said, “Beats a ham sandwich, doesn’t it!”
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: G-man on February 20, 2013, 09:13:41 PM
Chuck----dat you?

(http://aviationhumor.net/wp-content/uploads/2010/09/AviationHumor-0077.jpg)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on February 21, 2013, 05:04:44 PM
HAHA! That's awesome!

(I do feel bad for the chicken though....)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: YawningMan on February 28, 2013, 09:13:44 AM
HAHA! That's awesome!

(I do feel bad for the chicken though....)
Why? I bet she's having the time of her life!

Also, "Gravity. Aye. That'll give you thrust!"
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on May 13, 2013, 04:23:33 PM

One day I accidentally overturned my golf buggy.


Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out, “Are you okay, what's your name?”


“Its Jack, and I’m Okay thanks,” I replied.

“Jack, forget your troubles.  Come to my villa, rest a while, and I'll help you get the cart up later.”

“That's mighty nice of you,” I answered, “But I don't  think my wife would like it.”

“Oh, come on,” Elizabeth insisted.

She was very pretty, very sexy and persuasive…I was weak.

“Well okay,” I finally agreed, and added, “But my wife won’t like it.”

After a restorative brandy, and some creative putting lessons, I thanked my host.


“I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset.”

“Don't be silly!” Elizabeth said with a smile, “She won't know anything.  By the way, where is she?”

“Under the cart!” I said…

 ::whistle::



Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on May 27, 2013, 11:22:13 PM
A man brings his best buddy home for dinner unannounced at 5:30 after work.

His wife screams at him as his friend listens in. "My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! What the hell did you bring him home for?

"Because he's thinking of getting married...."
 
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Busdriver on May 28, 2013, 09:07:44 AM
Kind of a classic:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CI8UPHMzZm8 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CI8UPHMzZm8)
Title: The sensitive male...
Post by: Mike on June 21, 2013, 08:54:49 PM
Subject: The sensitive male...


Picture a room full of pregnant women, with their husbands.

A nurse says, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial."

"It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself,
make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."

"Gentlemen, remember -- you're both in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her.  In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."

The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information. After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.

"Yes?" said the Nurse.

"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries the golf bag while we walk."

Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't  it?   This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught!!

 :D
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: MSM007 on September 09, 2013, 04:58:55 AM
Been a non aviator reader for awhile and when I saw this pic I knew I had to make an account on the forum and share it (hopefully not a repost):

(https://i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/7782448640/hC40CCD8E/)

Chuck, is that you?
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Stef on September 09, 2013, 09:21:50 AM
Hi! And welcome to the coop!  ::wave::

Are you on reddit, maybe?  :) I saw this pic there and recently posted it on our Facebook group... But it wasn't posted here in the forum yet, so, technically, you're the first!
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: MSM007 on September 09, 2013, 08:32:09 PM
Nope, caught it on my cheezeburger/memebase RSS Feed.
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: fastaviationdata on September 19, 2013, 02:20:09 AM
Since I am new here, I will read this thread. This is a very funny thread for sure and I will keep on smiling for sure.  :)
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on December 05, 2013, 05:07:49 PM
Very different approach (Cute)
 
 
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie" with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle, and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
"An ambulance just drove by!"
"Looks like the neighbors have company,"
"Matt's riding a new bike!"
"Looks like the Sanders are moving!"
"Jason is on his skate board!"
After a few moments he announced, "The Coopers are having sex!!"
Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out, "How do you know they're having sex?"
"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on January 24, 2014, 05:13:46 PM
Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning:  "Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it."
 
Wife texts back 5 minutes later: "Computer really fucked up now.”


Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Mike on September 10, 2014, 02:11:46 PM
I thought this was funny:
Title: Re: Humor....I need Humor!
Post by: Jean Loup on September 13, 2014, 02:27:36 AM
I thought this was funny:
8) HOLA, amigos!
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