Humor....I need Humor!

[happylanding]

Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Atlanta. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Bud said, "Man, I wish we had
something to drink!" Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?" So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed.

The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels, in fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! Then The phone rings...

It's Jim. Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"

Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?"

Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"

Bud says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often."

"Yeah, well there's just one thing..."

"What's that?"

"Have you farted yet?"

"No..."

"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in PHOENIX!

[Ted_Stryker]

LOL!!!  Great ones indeed, happy!!!!


You know in an aircraft why they called it the "Whiskey Compass".... because they used to fill the resevoir for the mag compass up with whiskey.  Trouble is the Air Force maintenance guys used to take a straw and suck it dry... then filled it up with kerosene instead!

The Marine maintenance guys found out there was kerosene in the compass resevoir.....so they sucked those dry!

I'm not sure I want to know what the Marines used instead of kerosene!



-----  And... a bit of trivia ----

In the days of the Soviet Union the state of the military moral was such that many units would be more concerned about the physical appearance of their equipment than it's utility just to satisfy the commanders.  They would literally paint leaves green, tires black, etc., all for the sake of appearances.  Contrary to western mythos, Vodka was not the common drink, but, rather, beer (in Russian called "piva").  However, in the military, even beer was scarce at times.  So, many took to drinking sterno, anti-freeze, etc., in search of getting a buzz to help forget their troubles!   I guess they must have heard about the Marines!!

 

[happylanding]

So, many took to drinking sterno, anti-freeze, etc., in search of getting a buzz to help forget their troubles!   I guess they must have heard about the Marines!!

Oh my! you made me remember that in Solzenitsyn's book Gulag (I hope it's the translation in English) he was writing about the fact that people did not have to eat in the gulag and once some people there found fossil and did everything was in their power to find a way to eat it 
But well, it surely isn't written in the right place here, since it's the humour thread so........
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Unknown landing signal officer to carrier pilot after his 6th unsuccessful landing: "You've got to land here, son. This is where the food is".
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Eggenfelden Info : D-EXXX please report persons aboard.
D-EXXX (C-172) : Pilot and two pax and one dog.
Eggenfelden Info (after Cessna finally bounced to stop): Assume the Pilot in Command was the dog ? 

Okay mates, I will catch some sleep now! Nite Nite!!

[happylanding]

A young man enters into a drugstore and ask the pharmacist for a condom. “You know…this evening I go to my fiancée home, for a dinner. She is so much horny I’m for sure going to lay her”. The pharmacist hands him a condom, he pays and go out. After some minutes he comes back and ask for another condom “you know, my fiancée’s sister is...well, ya know, she is horny too. So, tonight I’m going to lay her too…”. The pharmacist hands him a condom, he pays and go out. After some minutes he comes back and ask for another condom “you know, my fiancée’s mother is so much horny…that’s sure that tonight I’m going to have a gorgeous night, you know? I’ll actually get a full box of condom and enjoy this night, several times with my fiancée, every position, ohhhh she is so much oversexed, and then her sister, gosh, so titillating and then her mom…she is old, but you know, you see she is a provocative female”. The pharmacist nods, get him a package, the young man pays and goes away.

At evening, he is seated near his fiancée, at her parent’s house, waiting for dinner. “Who says the prayers tonight?”, ask the mother “oh, why don’t you say them for us?” looking at the young man. “Okay. Then…….Dear dear dear dear God, we thank you for this dinner, and we thank you for this home, and for the people around us. And we thank you for the sun, and the water and the world and for the fact blablablablablablablablablablablablabla….” Going on, eyes fixed to the table, for ten minutes and more straight.
After that the girlfriend ask him “Oh my dear, I did not know you were such a believer!” and she gets this reply: “I’m not usually, but you did not tell your dad is a pharmacist……..”   

 

[Stef]

Happy, among all the girls I know, you certainly are the one who knows the most dirty jokes!   

Here's another one, by the way:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $500 to drop that towel that you have on." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $500 and leaves. Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower, "Who was that?" "It was Bob, the next door neighbor," she replies. "Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the $500 he owes me?"

[happylanding]

Happy, among all the girls I know, you certainly are the one who knows the most dirty jokes!   

Oh my....I also know clean jokes, even if they are more difficult to remember  ....but here you go!
that's one of my favorite.....a really sweet one:

A camel approaches his mom and says (whining toddler’s voice).“Mummy, mummy! Look at us! Can you see how ugly we’re? Look, look at the hoofs!”. (reassuring voice) “Oh no my dear! What are you saying? We’re not ugly and these hoofs are one of the best ideas of Mother Nature. You know, in desert, we would not survive without these. We can walk for hours, we do not feel the heat of the sand, we do not suffer any broken leg. Any other animal would break a leg and – for that reason – die”. The little camel look at his hoofs with new eyes, smiles and goes away. “Uh oh!”.Some time passes, and he comes back to his mommy. “Mummy, mummy! Look at us! Can you see how ugly we’re? Look, look at our eyelashes, how long they are!”. The mom (again in a reassuring voice) answers to the small camel “Oh no my dear! What are you saying? We’re not ugly and these eyelashes are one of the best ideas of Mother Nature. You know, in desert, we would not survive without these. We can walk for hours, seeing where we are going. On the contrary, any other animal would not see anymore, should stop and – under the heat of the sun – die.”. the small camel seems convinced once again and goes away happily. Some time passes, and he comes back to his mommy. “Mummy, mummy! Look at us! Can’t you see how ugly we’re? Look, look at our backs, how long they are!”. The mom (again in a reassuring voice) answers to the small camel “Oh no my dear! What are you saying? We’re not ugly and these backs are one of the best ideas of Mother Nature. You know, in desert, we would not survive without these. We can walk for hours, without drinking and eating, thanks to these backs. On the contrary, any other animal would not survive, and under the heat of the sun, he would starve and die.”. the small camel seems convinced once again and goes away happily. Some time passes, and he comes back to his mommy. “Mummy, mu…” (urgency in the voice). “Don’t tell me we are ugly again, my dear!”…..He looks at her and says “No, Mom, no. but….if we have all these things…what the hell are we doing into a zoo?!?!”

[happylanding]

Tower to a Braniff Boeing 720: “Traffic twelve o’clock, three miles, several targets, possibly a flight of ducks.”
Braniff Boeing 720: “Do those ducks paint better if they’re banded?”
Tower: “No, but it’d sure help if they had a transponder.”
Braniff Boeing 720 “Well, they squawk, don’t they?”

Nite nite mates!

[fireflyr]

SQUAWK???
Sounds more like a seagull joke

[happylanding]

So, ducks do not squawk?!? 

Okay, I'll go with jokes about.........blondes today!


Day1:
A blonde comes home from school and says to her mum,"We learned how to count up to 5 today mummy. I got up to 10. Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?"
Mum replies: "yes dear"

Day 2:
"We learned how to do the alphabet today mummy. The others only got up to E and I got up to S. Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?"
Mum replies: "yes dear"

Day 3:
"We learned about breasts today mummy. All the other girls are flat chested and I'm a 36DD. Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?"
Mum replies: "No dear, it's because your 25.........

--------------------------------------

A bunch of blondes walk into a restaurant celebrating and chanting "28 days, 28 days, it only took us 28 days!!"

Everyone wonders what took them 28 days and why they are celebrating. Finally, when the blondes are about to leave, a waitor goes up and asks "What took you 28 days, why are you celebrating??"

All the blondes say "We just finished a puzzle in 28 days and on the box it said 3-6 years!!!"

Nite nite mates! 

[Mike]

TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN. AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL.

THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, "GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED. THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE."

THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS.

AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, "YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!"

"DEAD?" SAYS HIS FRIEND, "WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?"

"WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER."

HIS FRIEND SAYS, "COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH."

"A WITCH, WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?"


"WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW."

[kkrummy1]

I have a German Shepherd dog & I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart
and was in line to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.  What else would you do with Purina?

On impulse, I told her that no, I  was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so  I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned.

I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

[fireflyr]

A fireman is working outside the fire station when he notices a little girl with a red wagon that has a garden hose coiled inside and a small ladder. 

The little girl is wearing a firefighter's helmet and her wagon is being pulled by her dog and cat.

He walks over for a look and notices the wagon is tied to the dog's collar and the cat's testicles.

He then comments that she could go faster if the rope was tied to the cat's collar too and she replies " you're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren!

[Plthijnx]

What kind of accident did the proctologist have?
He was rear-ended!

[Plthijnx]

Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette. It started to rain, so the old lady reached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke.

Her friend saw this and said, "Hey that's a good idea! But, what is that thing you put over your cigarette?"

The other old lady said, "It's a condom."

"A condom? Where do you get those?"

The lady with the cigarette told her friend that you could purchase condoms at the pharmacy. When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the
questions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms. The pharmacist said yes, but looked a little surprised that this old woman was interested in condoms, so he asked her, "What size do you want?"

The old lady thought for a minute and said, "One that will fit a Camel."

[Plthijnx]

Your family is so poor, when I went to your house I stepped on a cigarette and your Daddy shouted, “Hey, who turned off the heater!”