Author Topic: Humor....I need Humor!  (Read 1369256 times)

Offline happylanding

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #720 on: December 30, 2006, 10:41:36 PM »
34. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
LOL that argument kind of backfires doesn't it?  ::rofl::

And....following your observation.........

Why does it take one million spermatozoon to fertilize one egg???
...........................they do NOT stop to ask direction........
I give that landing a 9 . . . on the Richter scale.

Offline happylanding

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #721 on: December 30, 2006, 10:48:43 PM »
ARN851:  "Halifax Terminal, Nova 851 with you out of 13,000 for 10,000, requesting runway 15."
Halifax Terminal (female): "Nova 851 Halifax, the last time I gave a pilot what he wanted I was on penicillin for three weeks. Expect runway 06."

I give that landing a 9 . . . on the Richter scale.

Offline AirtransRecon

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #722 on: December 31, 2006, 02:15:39 AM »
Quote
4. When the road is long and straight, you are tempted to drive the centerline.

Tempted more often than I like to admit.

KW

Offline Mike

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #723 on: December 31, 2006, 12:00:15 PM »
What Chuck says to Julio:

"The difference between you and me is that you see the gas tank as half-empty, but I see the gas tank as half-full!"

HA HA !!  ::rofl::
I just found this one! That's great!
I am sure we can use this somewhere......
Thanks man!


Dear IRS: Please cancel my subscription.

Offline Zaffex

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #724 on: December 31, 2006, 05:06:23 PM »
My pleasure, glad you liked it. :)
"You know you're a redneck pilot when you think avgas makes a good cologne."

Offline happylanding

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #725 on: January 01, 2007, 10:23:40 PM »
Aviation and a dictionary
Enjoy! :) :)

180-Degree Turn - A sometimes difficult maneuver to perform; the degree of difficulty is usually determined by the size of the pilot's ego.
A & P Rating - Enables you to fly grocery supplies.
Aero - That portion of the atmosphere that lies over Great Britain.
Aerodrome - British word for airport. Exactly what you'd expect from a country that gives its airplanes names like Gypsy Moth, Slingsby Dart, and Fairey Battle Bomber.
Aileron - A hinged control surface on the wing that scares the hell out of airline passengers when it moves.
Airfoils - Swords used for dueling in flight. Often used to settle disputes between crew members and passengers.
Airplane - The infernal machine invented by two bicycle mechanics from Dayton, Ohio and perfected on the sands of the Outer Banks of Kitty Hawk, North Carolina. Precursor of the Frisbee.
Airspeed - 1. The speed of an airplane through the air. 2. True airspeed plus 20% when talking with other pilots. Deduct 25% when listening to an Air Force Pilot. 3. Measured in furlongs-per-fortnight in student aircraft.
Air Traffic Control Center - A drafty, ill-kept, barn-like structure in which people congregate for dubious reasons.
Alternate Airport - The airport that no aircraft has sufficient fuel to proceed to if necessary.
Bail Out - Dipping the water out of the cabin after a heavy rainstorm.
Barrel Roll - Unloading the beer for a hangar party.
Caging the Gyro - Not too difficult with domestic species.
Carburetor Ice - Phrase used when reporting a forced landing caused by running out of fuel.
Cessna 310 - More than the sum of two Cessna 150's.
Chart - 1. Large piece of paper, useful for protecting cockpit surfaces from  food and beverage stains. 2. An aeronautical map that provides interesting patterns for the manufacturers of children's curtains.
Chock - 1. Sudden and usually unpleasant surprise suffered by Mexican pilots. 2. Piece of wood the line boy slips in front of wheel while pilot is not looking.
Cockpit - 1. A confined space in which two chickens fight each other, especially when they can't find the airport in a rainstorm. 2. Area in which the pilot sits while attempting to figure out where he is.
Collision - Unplanned contact between one aircraft and another. As a rule, collisions that result in the creation of several smaller and less airworthy aircraft from the original two are thought to be the most serious.
De-icer - De person dat puts de ice on de wing.
Dive - Pilots' lounge or airport caf�.
Engine Failure - A condition that occurs when all fuel tanks become filled with air.
Exceptional Flying Ability - Has equal number of takeoffs and landings.
Fast - Describes the speed of any high-performance aircraft. Lower-performance and training aircraft are described as "half-fast."
Final Approach - 1. Many a seasoned pilot's last landing. 2. Many a student pilot's first landing.
Flashlight - Tubular metal container kept in flight bag for storing dead batteries.
Flight Instructor - Individual of dubious reputation, paid vast sums of money to impart knowledge of questionable value and cast serious doubt on the coordination, intelligence, and ancestry of student pilots.
Flight Plan - Scheme to get away from home to go flying.
Glider - Formerly "airplane," prior to running out of fuel.
Gross Weight - 1. A 350-pound pilot (also see "Split S"). 2. Maximum permissible takeoff weight plus two suitcases, 10 cans of oil, four sleeping bags, four rifles, eight cases of beer, and the groceries.
Hangar - Home for anything that flies, mostly birds.
Heated Air Mass - Usually found near hangar, flight lounge, airport cafe, or attractive, non-flying members of the opposite sex.
Jet-assisted Takeoff - A rapid-takeoff procedure used by a general aviation pilot who suddenly finds himself taking off on a runway directly in front of a departing 747.
Junkers 52 - A collection of elderly airplanes that even the FAA can't make airworthy.
Lazy 8 - 1. Well-known fly-in resort ranch. 2. The airport operator, his four mechanics, and three lineboys.
Log - A small rectangular notebook used by pilots to record lies.
Motor - A word used by Englishmen and student pilots when referring to an aircraft engine. (also see "Aerodrome")
Navigation - The process by which a pilot finds his way from point A to point B while actually trying to get to point C.
Occupied - An airline term for lavatory.
Oshkosh - A town in Wisconsin that is the site of the annual Experimental Aircraft Association fly-in. It is believed to have been named after the sound that most experimental aircraft engines make.
Pilot - A poor, misguided soul who talks about women when he's flying and flying when he's with a woman.
Pitch - The story you give your wife about needing an airplane to use in your business.
Radar - An extremely realistic type of video game, often found at airports. Players try to send small game-pieces, called "blips," from one side of the screen to the other without colliding with each other. Player with the fewest collisions wins.
Roger - The most popular name in radio.
S-turn - Course flown by student pilot from point A to point B.
Short-field Takeoff - A takeoff from any field less than 10,000 feet long.
Split S - What happens to the pants of overweight pilots (also see "Gross Weight").
Trim Tab - 1. A device that can fly an airplane better than the pilot. 2. Popular diet beverage for fat pilots (also see "Gross Weight").
Useful Load - Volumetric capacity of the aircraft, without regard to cargo weight.
Wilco - Roger's brother, the nerd.
Wing strut - Peculiar, ritualistic walk performed by student pilots upon getting out of low-winged trainers following first flight performed without instructor yelling at them. Usually results in instructor yelling at them.
I give that landing a 9 . . . on the Richter scale.

Offline Frank N. O.

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #726 on: January 01, 2007, 10:39:09 PM »
Hehe, classics, now gathered in a great list, thanks :)

Reminds me of this one from Plane&Pilot magazine:
Landing Strip: What you do with your clothes after touching down in Phoenix.
Circle to Land: What a dog does before it lies down.
Missed Approach: Leaving the FBO Christmas party alone.


I wonder if there are any jokes about pilotes one can make for women since most of them are speficically referring to male pilots, for instance:
What does a pilot use for birthcontrol? His personality!
The later half of the pilot definition you wrote above might be true to women too, do you talk about flying when you're hanging out with your girlfriends?

Frank
« Last Edit: January 01, 2007, 10:41:31 PM by Frank N. O. »
"When once you have tasted flight, you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been, and there you will always long to return."
— Leonardo da Vinci

Offline happylanding

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #727 on: January 01, 2007, 11:13:12 PM »

The later half of the pilot definition you wrote above might be true to women too, do you talk about flying when you're hanging out with your girlfriends?
Frank

I almost never talk about it, since nobody, among my female friends, is interested.
But....now I see why they, on the contrary, keep telling the males. I'd never understood........

What does a pilot use for birthcontrol? His personality!

 ::banghead:: ::banghead:: ::banghead:: ::banghead:: ::banghead:: ::banghead:: ::banghead:: ::banghead::
 ;D ;) :D :)
« Last Edit: January 01, 2007, 11:14:44 PM by happylanding »
I give that landing a 9 . . . on the Richter scale.

Offline Baradium

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #728 on: January 01, 2007, 11:29:25 PM »

I almost never talk about it, since nobody, among my female friends, is interested.
But....now I see why they, on the contrary, keep telling the males. I'd never understood........

You lost me here,   they tell the males you'd never understand?   What?

Quote
What does a pilot use for birthcontrol? His personality!

 ::banghead:: ::banghead:: ::banghead:: ::banghead:: ::banghead:: ::banghead:: ::banghead:: ::banghead::
 ;D ;) :D :)

 :-\
"Well I know what's right, I got just one life
In a world that keeps on pushin' me around
But I stand my ground, and I won't back down"
  -Johnny Cash "I won't back Down"

Offline tundra_flier

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #729 on: January 03, 2007, 07:35:19 AM »
You know you are a pilot when..............

1. You turn on your car radio and expect to hear the ATIS.
2. Before you start your car, you reach for your checklist.
3. When you start going downhill in your car, you check the dash for the Attitude Indicator.
4. When the road is long and straight, you are tempted to drive the centerline.
5. When your normal talking voice starts sounding like an air traffic controller.
6. When you start looking for the lean knob on your car's instrument panel.

7.  You accelerate into right turns and slow down into left ones.  :D (actually caught myself doing this after an intense week of flight training).

Offline tundra_flier

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #730 on: January 03, 2007, 07:43:59 AM »
Quote
Flight Plan - Scheme to get away from home to go flying.

Very similar to the "Low Altitude sickness"  Something I frequently suffer from on sunny summer days.  The only treatment is spending time AGL.  ;)


Quote
Gross Weight - 1. A 350-pound pilot (also see "Split S"). 2. Maximum permissible takeoff weight plus two suitcases, 10 cans of oil, four sleeping bags, four rifles, eight cases of beer, and the groceries. 

2. is the normal operating state for most Super Cubs in Alaska.  ::loony::



Offline happylanding

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #731 on: January 03, 2007, 12:52:28 PM »
You lost me here,   they tell the males you'd never understand?   What?

It was quite subtile and the meaning probably went lost in translation!
I meant: my female friends usually introduce me by adding to any sentence...."oh, she is pilot, too".
Now I see why. Even if they are not interested in flying, they use my...personality to take me out of any game!
:)  ;D
I give that landing a 9 . . . on the Richter scale.

Offline happylanding

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #732 on: January 03, 2007, 01:14:05 PM »
Flight Plan - Scheme to get away from home to go flying.
Very similar to the "Low Altitude sickness"  Something I frequently suffer from on sunny summer days.  The only treatment is spending time AGL.  ;)

Ohoh, I was not told about it in the old time of theory, along with aeronautical medicine, but I completely agree about the existence of such a disease! that was lovely!  |:)\ |:)\
I give that landing a 9 . . . on the Richter scale.

Offline happylanding

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #733 on: January 03, 2007, 01:46:14 PM »
Approach: Beech 998, you're showing two thousand feet and intermittent Mode C. Say altitude.

Beech 998: Beech 998 is intermittently at two thousand feet.


----------------


Pilot coming in with his buddy who had never flown before:
Pilot: This is 1234 Delta five miles north for landing with Mike.
The tower clears him and he lands. When they shut down, the passenger, whosename is Mike, says, "Why'd you have to tell them that I was with you?"

I give that landing a 9 . . . on the Richter scale.

Offline happylanding

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #734 on: January 04, 2007, 11:11:58 AM »
A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big burly man, tossed his pants to his bride and said, "here put these on." She put them on, and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants," she said. "That's right!!" said the husband, "and don't you forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family!" With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. He said, "Hell, I can't get into your panties!" She said, "That's right, and that's the way it's going to be until you change your attitude......"
I give that landing a 9 . . . on the Richter scale.