Author Topic: Humor....I need Humor!  (Read 1403451 times)

Offline cotejy

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2190 on: August 28, 2009, 09:01:55 PM »
Quote
Wonderful English from Around the World

I see a lot of those in French. Everything sold here must have instructions in both French an English (except for computer software). Most companies would simply use an automatic translator and don't have it verified. So I always end up reading the instruction in English. Last one I saw was on my tent bag. The English reads: "do not drop poles". The French version would litteraly mean: "carefully drop Polish".

Are you a fellow Canucker as well? If so where bouts do you hail from?

Canucker? Is this how Canadians are called? If so, I'm a Canucker Frog! St-Hippolyte, QC (Laurentian region). You? where you from?

Offline FlyboyGil

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2191 on: August 28, 2009, 09:15:15 PM »
Quote
Wonderful English from Around the World

I see a lot of those in French. Everything sold here must have instructions in both French an English (except for computer software). Most companies would simply use an automatic translator and don't have it verified. So I always end up reading the instruction in English. Last one I saw was on my tent bag. The English reads: "do not drop poles". The French version would litteraly mean: "carefully drop Polish".

Are you a fellow Canucker as well? If so where bouts do you hail from?

Canucker? Is this how Canadians are called? If so, I'm a Canucker Frog! St-Hippolyte, QC (Laurentian region). You? where you from?

I hail from Southwestern Ontario. Sarnia. It's a border town with the U.S. I was close to QC last week when I went on Vacation to Ottawa to see the national Aviation Museum and War Museum. All the one-way streets in the city we somehow wound up in Quebec. Your english seems really good. I'm afraid I can only mumble a few French sentences.
IF YOU CAN'T SAY ANYTHING NICE, YOU'RE PROBABLY AT THE ICE CAPADES

Offline Rooster Cruiser

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2192 on: August 29, 2009, 06:19:31 PM »
Quote
Wonderful English from Around the World

I see a lot of those in French. Everything sold here must have instructions in both French an English (except for computer software). Most companies would simply use an automatic translator and don't have it verified. So I always end up reading the instruction in English. Last one I saw was on my tent bag. The English reads: "do not drop poles". The French version would litteraly mean: "carefully drop Polish".

Hmmmmm... When I was in Montreal last winter, the only signs I saw in English were the traffic signs along the freeway.  I know Canada is officially bi-lingual but you sure could have fooled me!   ::thinking::
"Me and Earl was haulin' chickens / On a flatbed outta Wiggins..."

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Offline cotejy

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2193 on: August 31, 2009, 12:27:10 PM »
Quote
Wonderful English from Around the World

I see a lot of those in French. Everything sold here must have instructions in both French an English (except for computer software). Most companies would simply use an automatic translator and don't have it verified. So I always end up reading the instruction in English. Last one I saw was on my tent bag. The English reads: "do not drop poles". The French version would litteraly mean: "carefully drop Polish".

Hmmmmm... When I was in Montreal last winter, the only signs I saw in English were the traffic signs along the freeway.  I know Canada is officially bi-lingual but you sure could have fooled me!   ::thinking::

Canada might be an officially a bilingual country but in fact, provinces are unilingual (8 unilingual English, 1 unilingual French (Québec) and only 1 bilingual (new-bruswick)). The bilingual thing is at the federal level. There are French, English and bilinguals in all provinces but the most canadians are unilingual. So you end up with federal politicians speaking 2 languages in a country where most are speaking only one.

I know we are off topic so...:
Did you hear about the French tanks?
It has 7 gears. 6 go in reverse, and one goes foreward incase the enemy attacks from behind.

Offline mtnman

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2194 on: August 31, 2009, 02:01:51 PM »
"Tanks", I needed that!

 ::banghead::   ::loony::

(the pun is the worst form of humor in the entire world.....except when you think of it first! ::whistle::)
sunday, monday, tuesday, wednesday, thursday, friday, saturday....see, there is no "someday"!

Offline FlyboyGil

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2195 on: September 01, 2009, 10:39:16 PM »
Quote
Wonderful English from Around the World

I see a lot of those in French. Everything sold here must have instructions in both French an English (except for computer software). Most companies would simply use an automatic translator and don't have it verified. So I always end up reading the instruction in English. Last one I saw was on my tent bag. The English reads: "do not drop poles". The French version would litteraly mean: "carefully drop Polish".

Hmmmmm... When I was in Montreal last winter, the only signs I saw in English were the traffic signs along the freeway.  I know Canada is officially bi-lingual but you sure could have fooled me!   ::thinking::

Canada might be an officially a bilingual country but in fact, provinces are unilingual (8 unilingual English, 1 unilingual French (Québec) and only 1 bilingual (new-bruswick)). The bilingual thing is at the federal level. There are French, English and bilinguals in all provinces but the most canadians are unilingual. So you end up with federal politicians speaking 2 languages in a country where most are speaking only one.



I can Parlez-vous a little francais. For example:

 Je ne parle pas le français =  I do not speak french
 Parlez-vous français?  =  do you speak french
Votre dix-huit fille encore inscrit? =  Is your daughter 18 yet?
Sont vos seins filles réel? =  are your daughters breasts real?

And so fourth.
IF YOU CAN'T SAY ANYTHING NICE, YOU'RE PROBABLY AT THE ICE CAPADES

Offline cotejy

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2196 on: September 02, 2009, 12:46:43 PM »
Quote
Je ne parle pas le français =  I do not speak french
Parlez-vous français?  =  do you speak french
Votre dix-huit fille encore inscrit? =  Is your daughter 18 yet?
Sont vos seins filles réel? =  are your daughters breasts real?

The first 2 are perfect but the last 2 need some corrections. As those are so important to survive, I prefer you got them straight.

Is your daughter 18 yet ===  Est-ce que votre fille a 18 ans?
Are your daughters breast real === Est-ce que les seins de votre fille sont réels?

If you feel lucky, you can simply use : "chez toi ou chez moi?" ==== your place or mine?

Offline madpilot44

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2197 on: September 02, 2009, 03:18:40 PM »
while we're in foreign languages, I'll say I've always believed you only need 4 phrases in any language to survive, I will willingly share my knowledge of these phrases in Spanish:

where is the bathroom: donde esta el baño
can I get a beer please?: me puede dar una cerveza por favor?
I need some food: necesito algo de comer.
where are all the pretty ladies?: donde estan todas las mujeres bonitas?

if you ever need more than these phrases, you should find some local who can help, as you are probably in quite some trouble.
To most people, the sky is the limit. To those who love aviation, the sky is home.

Offline cotejy

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2198 on: September 02, 2009, 09:27:08 PM »
If you have a few minutes for funny airplane stuff readings, I suggest:

http://www.happylanding.com/articles/15%20idiots%20guide%20to%20flying.htm


« Last Edit: September 03, 2009, 11:44:19 AM by cotejy »

Offline Rooster Cruiser

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2199 on: September 03, 2009, 03:47:53 AM »
while we're in foreign languages, I'll say I've always believed you only need 4 phrases in any language to survive, I will willingly share my knowledge of these phrases in Spanish:

where is the bathroom: donde esta el baño
can I get a beer please?: me puede dar una cerveza por favor?
I need some food: necesito algo de comer.
where are all the pretty ladies?: donde estan todas las mujeres bonitas?

if you ever need more than these phrases, you should find some local who can help, as you are probably in quite some trouble.

I only speak two languages... English and Bad English!!!   >:D ::drinking::


(Note:  Trucker trash CB talk is a dialect of Bad English)   ::whistle::
"Me and Earl was haulin' chickens / On a flatbed outta Wiggins..."

Wolf Creek Pass, by CW McCall

Offline Plthijnx

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2200 on: September 16, 2009, 02:00:55 AM »
WAL MART INTERVIEW


Jennifer, a manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes she found four people who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, Jennifer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'

The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's no warning.

'That's very good!' replied Jennifer. 'And, now you sir?', she asked the second man.

'Hmmm...let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'

'Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliche for speed.' She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.

'Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'.

Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man. 'It 's hard to beat the speed of light,' she said.

Turning to BUBBA, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question.

Old Bubba replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.'

'WHAT!?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response.

'Oh sure', said BUBBA. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already crapped my pants..'

BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown

Offline Plthijnx

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2201 on: September 20, 2009, 02:09:39 PM »
couple of these may be repeats, but it's a copy and paste job......

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.


I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing a gale, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'

And that's how the fight started ...

_______________________________________________________________________

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's how the fight started ...

_______________________________________________________________________


After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten Disability, too'

And that's how the fight started ...

_______________________________________________________________________


I rear-ended a car this morning.

So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and Little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it ... He was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And that's how the fight started ...

_______________________________________________________________________


I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. 'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'

He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

'Nah,' I said, 'she can order for herself.'

And that's how the fight started ...

_______________________________________________________________________


My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'she's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And that's how the fight started .....

_______________________________________________________________________


A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's darn near perfect.'

And that's how the fight started ........
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown

Offline Plthijnx

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2202 on: September 20, 2009, 02:12:25 PM »
Little Johnny

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me
Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Johnny, a bright Navajo Indian boy, who had his hand up: "Patrick
Henry, 1775," he said.

"Very good! Who said, "Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the
Earth?'"

Again, no response except from Little Johnny. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Little Johnny knows more about history than you
do."

She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Indians."

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Little Johnny put his hand up. "General Custer, 1862.."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glared around and asked, "All right!!! Now who said that!?"

Again, Little Johnny said, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Little Johnny jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, "You little @$#!. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."

Little Johnny frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying
against him, 2004."

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh @$#!, we're screwed!"

Little Johnny said quietly, "The American people, November 4, 2008"
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown

Offline vldflight

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2203 on: September 20, 2009, 11:40:29 PM »
LMAO and amen to that last one!!!!!!!!!!!! ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl::

Offline Mike

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2204 on: September 23, 2009, 11:23:58 PM »
reminds me of Chuck . . .     ;D


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