Author Topic: Humor....I need Humor!  (Read 1369335 times)

Offline TheSoccerMom

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2160 on: June 30, 2009, 06:18:12 PM »
haa, well, this is the squeaky clean version....  I think maybe three words are the same as the Blue Navy version...    ;)

 ;)

Funny stuff!!   ::bow:: 
Don't make me come back there!!!!

Offline Rooster Cruiser

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2161 on: July 08, 2009, 02:34:51 AM »
Wooden Leg Insurance
 
A man and his wife, moved back home to West Virginia , from Ohio . The husband had a wooden leg, and to insure it back in  Ohio cost them $2000
 
When they arrived in West Virginia , they went to an insurance agency to see how much it would cost to insure his wooden leg.
 
The agent looked it up on the computer and said: '$39.'
 
The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in  West Virginia  to insure it because it cost him $2000 in Ohio !
 
The insurance agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, 'Well, here it is on the screen, it says: Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system above it, is $39... You just have to know how to describe it!'

 ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl::
"Me and Earl was haulin' chickens / On a flatbed outta Wiggins..."

Wolf Creek Pass, by CW McCall

Offline Ragwing

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2162 on: July 08, 2009, 11:48:53 AM »
A Hot Day

It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection.

Traffic quickly piled up in all directions, so a woman rushed to help him.

When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, "It's all right honey, I've had a course in first aid."

The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration.

At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said, "When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm already here."

Offline G-man

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2163 on: July 08, 2009, 04:23:20 PM »
Life may not be the party we hoped for---but while we're here--we might as well dance..........

Offline Mike

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2164 on: July 08, 2009, 10:06:17 PM »
Little Tony was 9 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days.   
He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her,
'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?'

She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. 'It's called sexual intercourse, darling.'

Little Tony said, 'Oh, okay,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.   
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,
'Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse.  It's called Bunk Beds.
And Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you.'


Dear IRS: Please cancel my subscription.

Offline mtnman

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2165 on: July 14, 2009, 08:51:52 PM »
A Powerful Message from Stevie Wonder On Michael Jackson's Death...





.. . . ... . . . . . .. . .. .... .. .. . ... ..
... ... .. ... .... ... ... .... ...... ... ... ... .... ..... .. .
.. . . ... .. . . . ..
... . .... ... .... .... ...
...... .... .... .... ..... ..... ..... .. . . .... ....
. .. .
. . .. . .. . ...
....... ... ... ... .. ... ....... ... .. .... ... ... .... ....
. .. .. .
.. ....
.. . . . . . .. .. ... ..
.. .... .. ... ... ....... ...... .....

Deep stuff, eh?
I nearly cried when he said
". .. . . . .. .. ... .. .. . . .... ...."

 ::whistle:: ::whistle:: ::whistle:: ;)
sunday, monday, tuesday, wednesday, thursday, friday, saturday....see, there is no "someday"!

Offline Rooster Cruiser

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2166 on: July 26, 2009, 08:18:40 PM »
OK, I fixed it....  REDNECK STYLE!!!   ::rofl:: ::drinking:: ::silly:: ::knockedout::
« Last Edit: July 26, 2009, 08:20:27 PM by Rooster Cruiser »
"Me and Earl was haulin' chickens / On a flatbed outta Wiggins..."

Wolf Creek Pass, by CW McCall

Offline Plthijnx

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2167 on: August 02, 2009, 05:56:32 PM »
Music


I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown

Offline Plthijnx

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2168 on: August 02, 2009, 05:58:40 PM »
10 Ways to say I love you from around the world.

English
I Love You


Spanish
Te Amo


French
Je T'aime


German
Ich Liebe Dich


Japanese
Ai Shite Imasu


Italian
Ti Amo


Chinese
Wo Ai Ni


Swedish
Jag Alskar Dig


Lithuanian
As Tave Meliu


Alabama, Arkansas, Oklahoma, Texas, Louisiana, South Carolina, Georgia,
Tennessee, Florida, Mississippi , Kentucky, North Carolina, West Virginia
Nice Boobs!
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown

Offline Plthijnx

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2169 on: August 02, 2009, 06:04:44 PM »
Please tell your friends, etc. shopping at Home Depot about this scam!

A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Home Depot customers.

This one caught me by surprise.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned

out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex window cleaner, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts.

It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to McDonalds. You agree and they get into the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet!

I had my wallet stolen May 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th & 28th. Also April 2nd & 4th, twice on the 8th, 9th, and three times last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.So tell your friends to be careful.

P.S. Walmart has wallets on sale for 2.99 each~~ I found cheaper

ones for $1.99 at Big Lots and bought them out. Also, you never will get to eat

at McDonalds. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth to Home

Depot.....
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown

Offline Frank N. O.

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2170 on: August 05, 2009, 11:03:53 AM »
Hijnx, hehe good one (and the others were authentic too so it's both a laugh and learning at the same time  8))

I saw some of the redneck fixes in the email, oh man some of them made me shake of fear, like the repaired back-wheel on a car, and here I thought a picture from New Zealand with a Subaru running with 4 space-saver emergency tires were bad.

Frank
"When once you have tasted flight, you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been, and there you will always long to return."
— Leonardo da Vinci

Offline G-man

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2171 on: August 06, 2009, 10:14:14 PM »
A Helicopter Pilot Jim and his wife Joan were playing poker with friends - an airplane Pilot Bob and his wife Suzy.
 
As Suzy is dealing the cards, she overshoots a card to Jim, sending the card to the floor. Jim goes under the table to pick up the card and notices that Suzy is wearing a short skirt sans panties. Startled, he hits his head on the way back up.
 
While Jim is in the kitchen getting another cold one, Suzy walks in and asks Jim if he likes what he saw. Jim does a 360 scan then answers Suzy in the affirmative. Suzy smiles and tells him that for $100, he can have all he can handle. She tells him that since he's off on Friday and Bob works until 6pm, to come over Friday around 2pm.
 
Jim shows up at 2pm, hands Suzy the money and off they go. Jim scurries out the door around 5pm just in case Bob comes home early.
 
Bob come home at 6 pm, looks at Suzy and asks "Did Jim drop by the house this afternoon?" Suzy's heart skips a beat but she answers with her best poker face "Yes . . . ."
 
Bob then asks her "Did he happen to give you $100?" Suzy can barely believe what's happening but keeps the poker face on as she says "Yes . . ."
 
Bob then smiles and says "Great! He stopped by the office yesterday and borrowed $100. He said he'd drop it by the house today but, well, you know how those helicopter guys are with money!"
Life may not be the party we hoped for---but while we're here--we might as well dance..........

Offline vldflight

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2172 on: August 07, 2009, 01:49:20 PM »
LMAO.....G-man you should'nt have. ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl::

Offline G-man

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2173 on: August 18, 2009, 03:09:20 AM »
A redneck was stopped by a game warden in Central Mississippi recently with two ice chests full of fish. He was leavin ' a cove well-known for its fishing.

The game warden asked the man, ' Do you have a license to catch those fish? '

' Naw, sir ' , replied the redneck. ' I ain't got none of them there licenses. You must understand, these here are my pet fish. '

' Pet fish? '

' Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let ' em swim ' round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these here ice chests and I take ' em home. '

' That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that. '

The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, ' It's the truth Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works. '

' O. K.. ' , said the warden. ' I've got to see this! '

The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.

After several minutes, the warden says, ' Well? '

' Well, what? ' , says the redneck.

The warden says, ' When are you going to call them back? '

' Call who back? '

' The FISH ' , replied the warden!

' What fish? ' , replied the redneck.

Moral of the story: We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some government employees. You can say what you want about the South, but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving north.
Life may not be the party we hoped for---but while we're here--we might as well dance..........

Offline Plthijnx

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2174 on: August 18, 2009, 09:21:32 PM »
oh crap! loved that one G you da Man!

Bubba walked into a doctor’s office and the receptionist asked him what he had.
Bubba said: ‘Shingles.’
So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse’s aide came out and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, ‘Shingles.’
So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, ‘Shingles.’
So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, ‘Shingles.’
The doctor asked, ‘Where?’
Bubba said, ‘Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload ‘em??’
« Last Edit: August 18, 2009, 09:23:26 PM by plthijnx »
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown